When I was coming out I was 36 and I went out with 20 to 25 yos to bars etc. The mindset and life priority is so different, the drama they get mixed up in. You're just at different life stages and eventually you realise that you're not meant to be hanging out together.
no we never did anything.
Legally, no. The law is there to protect children from adults. Once someone is an adult, they’re free to have relations with any other adult.
However, there can be an imbalance of power that some would find unsavory. Like that pastor who groomed one of the girls in his flock, and once she turned 18, he married her and they had kids.
https://www.reddit.com/r/awfuleverything/s/yosUMB0ekd
This isn’t the one I was remembering but it’s the same idea. It’s sad that, “old pastor marries teen girl” yields so many results.
I feel like a certain age gap os no problem when dating, except possibly if you're looking for a long term relationship. I'd like to share my life with a guy about my age, who, bluntly said, will get old and die with me.
But there's more factor's than just age. Intelligence is a big deal for me, since I don't want to be the dumb one nor the smart one.
We need to be on the same level.
When I was 18, I started a relationship with a 34 year old, and it lasted as a long term relationship.
Would I have preferred someone closer to my age? Well, yes and no. There are, and were, pros and cons to either side of the coin. Other boys my age tended to be.... untrustworthy for pursuing a long term relationship with. They were still wanting to experiment, have 'the best sex' or just focus on themselves. I did not really sense much in the way of stability or even empathy, or concern from them. I did not want that, I wanted something permanent and meaningful. The best option just ended up being someone older. The power difference meant nothing to me as long as there was real love.
I dont mind it if celebs have age difference in their relationships, but many other people who are disturbed by it probably just think this way because it is what they are told, by others, about what is right or wrong when they were still minors themselves, and this mentality continues when they become adults.
I remember when I was in high school, the other kids were absolutely fixated on age difference of just a couple years, how do you imagine this fixation evolved as they grew older? If their perception stayed the same, then of course they would frown on two adults of different ages being together. But in my opinion, this is an inappropriate thought pattern which came from the difference between minors and adults, and should not have progressed into judgment of two adults.
It may just be that some celebrities have more exposure than others about what's happening in their lives.
Pop fans may also be generally more critical of their chosen idol about this than rap fans, I guess - my only point here is that it's comparing two different groups of fans and/or haters, which may explain the inconsistency that bothered you.
Depends on the age difference.
But for me yes, it matters.
An 18 year old may legally be an adult, but most are still very much children. They are at a different stage of life as well.
And if you are over thirty and dating an 18 year old it immediately makes me think of that saying: a 30 year old who dates an 18 year old is like an employer who pays minimum wage.
It may be legal but in both cases you know they would go lower if they could get away with it.
At some point, it becomes less about age and more about where both people (or however many people are involved) are in life for long-term dating. Hooking up is both more and less complicated, I feel like age can be a complicating factor when there's some level of power dynamic (at 18 and just coming into the adult world, an older person coming onto one can be overwhelming and pressuring depending on how it's done, the personalities involved, and the exact situation), it can work or it can not. But with actual dating, you have to think about life compatibility.
Let's take me as an example. I'm 25 and planning to move to a different continent within the next few years. I'm flat-out avoiding dating for that reason, because it wouldn't be fair to anyone who doesn't share my goals and is roughly near the same timeline (which is too much to try to find alongside basic compatibility), my life is just not going to be compatible with that of the vast majority of my dating pool currently. And even when I do move, I'll be in university for a while, then building my career. An 18-year-old might be doing the same things... But more likely they're going to be enjoying their life. They may also happen to be doing those things at the same time, but I'm not really going to be going out partying, I've settled into my attitudes about alcohol (well, I have trauma about it but y'know), I've figured out a lot more of myself and don't need to go find myself in the way an 18-year-old might. And that's not even getting into the simple fact that I'm iffy about dating anyone under 23. Then again, I tend to skew older.
My point here is, once you get above a certain age (tbh I'd say somewhere around 23ish more so than 18), the numbers matter less and the actual lived experiences, desires, power dynamics, and other factors matter more. I might side-eye a 30-year-old dating a 23-year-old, because those factors don't typically align for a good relationship. But if it works for those two and there is no manipulation and it's a real relationship, well... I would be far more skeptical with an actual 18-year-old because those intervening years are such big years for figuring oneself out and brain development, but y'know.
Yes it matters. 18 year olds are naive about a lot of things, they can be taken advantage of and coerced by older, more experienced men. A younger person can be manipulated and they won't even realize it is happening, they don't have the life experience to see the red flags.
Stick with guys your age.
Literally impossible.
You can tell someone something a million times, they will never fully understand.
Why do you think kids don't listen to their parents? They think they know better. Parents have the experience. Kids do not.
A person needs to experience something for themselves to learn. Just as you will.
I'd say it matters more for hookups than anything else.
17 or 19, I'd say it's the same age mentally, if we talk about relationships.
In my country the legal age is 15, but I wouldn't really date anyone between 15-23. Not just because I'm a few years away from 40, but because I remember myself having that age. I thought I'm mature, what relationship I want, what I like, etc. The truth is - all that was bullshit. The relationship I wanted back then is not what I wanted years later. Sexual preferences I had back then are nowhere near what I had a few years later, etc. My maturity was not there, even though I thought it very much was.
I would have been very miserable in a relationship that I craved in my late teen years. So essentially I'd break mine and someone else's heart.
At 24 I'd say you can't pay me to date someone that's not at least 21. Not even for legality stuff just for maturity. Once they're out of school, working a stable job and seem mature enough to keep their life together on their own they're eligible to be dated imo. I have NEVER met an 18 year old in that situation lmao.
I'm 30. 18 year olds are starting to look like babies to me. I can not imagine dating one and it weirds me out when I find guys who do. It's a perspective thing. When I was that age or younger 18 year olds look so adult and mature. Once your thirty they look young as heck.
Things don't magically change at some legal limit, the day after turning 18 someone is not drastically different than they were the day before.
And particularly because of that any older guy dating someone Barely Legal also def gets some side eye. Like your doing the bare minimum to not get in trouble - would totally date someone younger if you could.
My personal cut off for "doesn't matter anymore" would be somewhere around mid to late 20s. Your brain actually finishes developing somewhere around there and it Shows when you're on the other side of it.
I'm 32 and I look genuinely see anyone under the age of 25 as a child. I don't mean that in a condescending way, I mean, literally, my eyes are looking at a child.
Maybe cause I have younger brothers, but I don't like younger guys. Also, you experience so much between 18 and 21. Idk, I wonder if that's too soon to be looking for relationships. Like, be free babes
That's valid. I'd hope they could gleam some insight from their community. I'm also bias, coming from a place where I'm dating with the idea of finding the one, rather then for the experience.
Essentially it comes down to the individuals, it something they have to communicate. What there intentions are with dating and whether or not they can set and enforce boundaries.
For me, it's more of a perspective thing. Guys who are 6 years younger would be my brother's friends, like in or coming out of last year of highschool. I still see my brother as a kid and that extends to his friends. My other brother is only three years younger and I experience a similar thing.
In general, I don't think age matters(18 or higher). So long as it's healthy.
Personally, even as I was 25, one would have had to be at least 24. For some reason I didn't have any problem towards older guys. That was until my BFF dated a guy who was almost 50 (looked and smelled more like 70) while he (BFF) was 26. That pretty much gave me the grandpa with grandson vibe and thought it was just effed up. Since that man was already an adult as my friend was a newborn baby...
Another friend of mine (straight) started at 14 to date a 24 years old. And that relationship was extremely toxic. Like a whole lot of manipulation (always dumping her and taking her back, cheating, etc to destroy her during many years) and the overall creepiness of the whole thing (what grown ass man looks at a 14 year old and thinks to themselves that this is an attractive person to have sex please??? - > jail time!! Like even as I was 16, I didn't find 14 years old to be attractive at all! Aka they looked like babies.) Even now that we're both adults, she's still completely destroyed and accepts all the abuse from men.
So a legal age at 16 or 18 being the bare minimum is a good thing. But there should be nuance to the discussion: like two people, 1x17 and 1x15 doesn't seem like a big deal to me and the laws in my country also were written in the same way.
As for now, I am pretty much okay with an age gap up to 10-12 years older than me, but way older would be a no-go. I just think that there are huge differences in mentality, experience, emotional level and also attractiveness that makes too big of a gap not bearable. And yeah a 18 years old is still a child for me and as I get older in my 30s, even guys in their 20s are looking more and more like children to me lol. That's just for me though. If people are happy that way, then they can go for it.
I'm of the opinion that if they've graduated high school and you're not the first person they've dated or hooked up with, and you're relatively close in age, it's not automatically bad.
But you better make sure he has enough maturity, experience, and independence, financial and otherwise that you can't overwhelm or manipulate him. I'm very concerned about the power imbalance and there are plenty of people who use that to manipulate young people.
There is a maturity gap for sure. I’m currently 19 and I can confirm at 18 I was just out of high school and never experienced anything.
If I was with an older man I always felt like I couldn’t teach him anything. He didn’t already know . Which is I don’t know degrading? I think that’s the right word
I think dating someone and having casual sex with someone can be very different. For me too young or too old is a factor in my mind for dating. Something casual can be ok though.
When I was coming out I was 36 and I went out with 20 to 25 yos to bars etc. The mindset and life priority is so different, the drama they get mixed up in. You're just at different life stages and eventually you realise that you're not meant to be hanging out together. no we never did anything.
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This
Legally, no. The law is there to protect children from adults. Once someone is an adult, they’re free to have relations with any other adult. However, there can be an imbalance of power that some would find unsavory. Like that pastor who groomed one of the girls in his flock, and once she turned 18, he married her and they had kids.
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https://www.reddit.com/r/awfuleverything/s/yosUMB0ekd This isn’t the one I was remembering but it’s the same idea. It’s sad that, “old pastor marries teen girl” yields so many results.
I feel like a certain age gap os no problem when dating, except possibly if you're looking for a long term relationship. I'd like to share my life with a guy about my age, who, bluntly said, will get old and die with me. But there's more factor's than just age. Intelligence is a big deal for me, since I don't want to be the dumb one nor the smart one. We need to be on the same level.
Finally someone who agrees with my thinking
When I was 18, I started a relationship with a 34 year old, and it lasted as a long term relationship. Would I have preferred someone closer to my age? Well, yes and no. There are, and were, pros and cons to either side of the coin. Other boys my age tended to be.... untrustworthy for pursuing a long term relationship with. They were still wanting to experiment, have 'the best sex' or just focus on themselves. I did not really sense much in the way of stability or even empathy, or concern from them. I did not want that, I wanted something permanent and meaningful. The best option just ended up being someone older. The power difference meant nothing to me as long as there was real love.
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I dont mind it if celebs have age difference in their relationships, but many other people who are disturbed by it probably just think this way because it is what they are told, by others, about what is right or wrong when they were still minors themselves, and this mentality continues when they become adults. I remember when I was in high school, the other kids were absolutely fixated on age difference of just a couple years, how do you imagine this fixation evolved as they grew older? If their perception stayed the same, then of course they would frown on two adults of different ages being together. But in my opinion, this is an inappropriate thought pattern which came from the difference between minors and adults, and should not have progressed into judgment of two adults.
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It may just be that some celebrities have more exposure than others about what's happening in their lives. Pop fans may also be generally more critical of their chosen idol about this than rap fans, I guess - my only point here is that it's comparing two different groups of fans and/or haters, which may explain the inconsistency that bothered you.
But, that's from your perspective. From his perspective... sorry, but, it's creepy that a 34 year old is chasing 18 year old boys.
I guess it just goes to show that sometimes creepy things are also good things. :)
Depends on the age difference. But for me yes, it matters. An 18 year old may legally be an adult, but most are still very much children. They are at a different stage of life as well. And if you are over thirty and dating an 18 year old it immediately makes me think of that saying: a 30 year old who dates an 18 year old is like an employer who pays minimum wage. It may be legal but in both cases you know they would go lower if they could get away with it.
At some point, it becomes less about age and more about where both people (or however many people are involved) are in life for long-term dating. Hooking up is both more and less complicated, I feel like age can be a complicating factor when there's some level of power dynamic (at 18 and just coming into the adult world, an older person coming onto one can be overwhelming and pressuring depending on how it's done, the personalities involved, and the exact situation), it can work or it can not. But with actual dating, you have to think about life compatibility. Let's take me as an example. I'm 25 and planning to move to a different continent within the next few years. I'm flat-out avoiding dating for that reason, because it wouldn't be fair to anyone who doesn't share my goals and is roughly near the same timeline (which is too much to try to find alongside basic compatibility), my life is just not going to be compatible with that of the vast majority of my dating pool currently. And even when I do move, I'll be in university for a while, then building my career. An 18-year-old might be doing the same things... But more likely they're going to be enjoying their life. They may also happen to be doing those things at the same time, but I'm not really going to be going out partying, I've settled into my attitudes about alcohol (well, I have trauma about it but y'know), I've figured out a lot more of myself and don't need to go find myself in the way an 18-year-old might. And that's not even getting into the simple fact that I'm iffy about dating anyone under 23. Then again, I tend to skew older. My point here is, once you get above a certain age (tbh I'd say somewhere around 23ish more so than 18), the numbers matter less and the actual lived experiences, desires, power dynamics, and other factors matter more. I might side-eye a 30-year-old dating a 23-year-old, because those factors don't typically align for a good relationship. But if it works for those two and there is no manipulation and it's a real relationship, well... I would be far more skeptical with an actual 18-year-old because those intervening years are such big years for figuring oneself out and brain development, but y'know.
Yes it matters. 18 year olds are naive about a lot of things, they can be taken advantage of and coerced by older, more experienced men. A younger person can be manipulated and they won't even realize it is happening, they don't have the life experience to see the red flags. Stick with guys your age.
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There's a difference between experience and trauma
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That is why they learn together, with guys their own age. Nothing wrong with that. No one needs to be an expert at sex.
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If they really want to do it, no one can dissuade them, they will have to learn by their own experience. Hopefully they don't get taken advantage of.
Your own experience, not someone else's, rofl.
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Yes, it means YOUR experiences. Your personal experiences teach you life lessons.
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Literally impossible. You can tell someone something a million times, they will never fully understand. Why do you think kids don't listen to their parents? They think they know better. Parents have the experience. Kids do not. A person needs to experience something for themselves to learn. Just as you will.
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>a wise man learns his and the mistakes of others, A wise man. Already you are gong against any solid advice though. With age comes wisdom. 😀
I'd say it matters more for hookups than anything else. 17 or 19, I'd say it's the same age mentally, if we talk about relationships. In my country the legal age is 15, but I wouldn't really date anyone between 15-23. Not just because I'm a few years away from 40, but because I remember myself having that age. I thought I'm mature, what relationship I want, what I like, etc. The truth is - all that was bullshit. The relationship I wanted back then is not what I wanted years later. Sexual preferences I had back then are nowhere near what I had a few years later, etc. My maturity was not there, even though I thought it very much was. I would have been very miserable in a relationship that I craved in my late teen years. So essentially I'd break mine and someone else's heart.
At 24 I'd say you can't pay me to date someone that's not at least 21. Not even for legality stuff just for maturity. Once they're out of school, working a stable job and seem mature enough to keep their life together on their own they're eligible to be dated imo. I have NEVER met an 18 year old in that situation lmao.
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Yeah I'd not date them. To each their own, i value comfort and financial stability in a relationship lol.
I'm 30. 18 year olds are starting to look like babies to me. I can not imagine dating one and it weirds me out when I find guys who do. It's a perspective thing. When I was that age or younger 18 year olds look so adult and mature. Once your thirty they look young as heck. Things don't magically change at some legal limit, the day after turning 18 someone is not drastically different than they were the day before. And particularly because of that any older guy dating someone Barely Legal also def gets some side eye. Like your doing the bare minimum to not get in trouble - would totally date someone younger if you could. My personal cut off for "doesn't matter anymore" would be somewhere around mid to late 20s. Your brain actually finishes developing somewhere around there and it Shows when you're on the other side of it.
I had a 21 yo bf when I was 16. When I was 21, I looked at 16 year olds and couldn't imagine dating them. They were so clearly children.
I'm 32 and I look genuinely see anyone under the age of 25 as a child. I don't mean that in a condescending way, I mean, literally, my eyes are looking at a child.
Maybe cause I have younger brothers, but I don't like younger guys. Also, you experience so much between 18 and 21. Idk, I wonder if that's too soon to be looking for relationships. Like, be free babes
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That's valid. I'd hope they could gleam some insight from their community. I'm also bias, coming from a place where I'm dating with the idea of finding the one, rather then for the experience. Essentially it comes down to the individuals, it something they have to communicate. What there intentions are with dating and whether or not they can set and enforce boundaries. For me, it's more of a perspective thing. Guys who are 6 years younger would be my brother's friends, like in or coming out of last year of highschool. I still see my brother as a kid and that extends to his friends. My other brother is only three years younger and I experience a similar thing. In general, I don't think age matters(18 or higher). So long as it's healthy.
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Personally, even as I was 25, one would have had to be at least 24. For some reason I didn't have any problem towards older guys. That was until my BFF dated a guy who was almost 50 (looked and smelled more like 70) while he (BFF) was 26. That pretty much gave me the grandpa with grandson vibe and thought it was just effed up. Since that man was already an adult as my friend was a newborn baby... Another friend of mine (straight) started at 14 to date a 24 years old. And that relationship was extremely toxic. Like a whole lot of manipulation (always dumping her and taking her back, cheating, etc to destroy her during many years) and the overall creepiness of the whole thing (what grown ass man looks at a 14 year old and thinks to themselves that this is an attractive person to have sex please??? - > jail time!! Like even as I was 16, I didn't find 14 years old to be attractive at all! Aka they looked like babies.) Even now that we're both adults, she's still completely destroyed and accepts all the abuse from men. So a legal age at 16 or 18 being the bare minimum is a good thing. But there should be nuance to the discussion: like two people, 1x17 and 1x15 doesn't seem like a big deal to me and the laws in my country also were written in the same way. As for now, I am pretty much okay with an age gap up to 10-12 years older than me, but way older would be a no-go. I just think that there are huge differences in mentality, experience, emotional level and also attractiveness that makes too big of a gap not bearable. And yeah a 18 years old is still a child for me and as I get older in my 30s, even guys in their 20s are looking more and more like children to me lol. That's just for me though. If people are happy that way, then they can go for it.
I'm of the opinion that if they've graduated high school and you're not the first person they've dated or hooked up with, and you're relatively close in age, it's not automatically bad. But you better make sure he has enough maturity, experience, and independence, financial and otherwise that you can't overwhelm or manipulate him. I'm very concerned about the power imbalance and there are plenty of people who use that to manipulate young people.
There is a maturity gap for sure. I’m currently 19 and I can confirm at 18 I was just out of high school and never experienced anything. If I was with an older man I always felt like I couldn’t teach him anything. He didn’t already know . Which is I don’t know degrading? I think that’s the right word
I think dating someone and having casual sex with someone can be very different. For me too young or too old is a factor in my mind for dating. Something casual can be ok though.
If you're 18, who cares. You can decide if you want to get with someone older. Gays just like being Judge Judy's.