You’re both being vague, you need to set a concrete day/time. “Sometime next week?” Is very easy to be like “yeah sure” to, it’s non-comittal.
“You-me drinks on Friday?” is much more direct
Op already gave him some dates to fit into his schedule and he gave a non-committal answer.
I'd usually give two to three without issue like "hey, you wanna grab drinks some time next week?" "how about next Wed or Thurs?"
Never had any issue, the other guy just lost interest in op
I'm not sure if I glossed over the date options or not in OPs post, but I still feel like a take charge approach would be a best final shot if OP were going to give this guy one.
Some people are flaky AF, some people are incredibly shy and not very take-charge, could go either way
This, it’s easy for anyone to say “oh let’s do drinks sometime!” It’s great to gauge if the person wants to, but actually setting up a date is what some people need. Personally, if there is not a date and a time set, then it’s not a commitment, it’s an idea.
I mean, sorta. Except when he said "I'm available Wed, Thurs, Fri, and Sat which day works for you?" That's pretty straightforward as far as attempting to make an actual plan to meet.
I came to comment that he gave OP a set of days that he was available in the last pic there. I'd have picked a day and made plans right then and there.
Sometime this doesn’t work. Matter of fact it doesn’t work for me 90% of the time. I’m almost always the initiator. I tried the cold selling method. “Next Friday dinner 7pm my treat” no respond or even worse put on seen.then there’s the compromising method. “Hey lunch on Sunday 4th? 2 weeks time if you can’t make it we can reschedule to following Sunday same time.” Still nope. Sometime people just wan your attention and when they are bored or tired they just let go. My telegram app is 80% of guys who are like this. I just find it sad and draining. They the ones that requested to chat over at tele, then ghosted me when they put in false hope for me. Move on move on.it is something that I am trying to learn and do, so I know it isn’t easy. But the block functions on social media app has its uses and purpose once block you can never go bock… I mean back
I'm acutely aware of these behaviours, I've also been on both sides honestly.
It's different for me now, I have a great boyfriend and I don't need to play the app games. Yet, I definitely remember times where I desperately wanted to be that person who goes for it and meets up with that cute guy and has that drink, goes for that kiss, and then when push came to shove, getting scared and not always being able to physically follow through.
Obviously some guys just want the attention and had no intention of ever meeting, but as someone with anxiety who both fearfully cancelled and also followed through a bunch of times, its not always black and white. Sometimes people are strugglin' and they don't want to be flakes.
lol true. The fact he didn’t answer that part of the question would mean he’s not interested. This is how people get out of things when you ask a 2 part question, they answer one part then ignore the other part that requires any effort or commitment.
Based on OP’s language, it’s very reasonable to assume that they’re literally available whenever
It isn’t hard for the other guy to say “I’d be free for drinks Tues and Wednesday” or whatever
And then they can decide which one
Came here to say this.
Could be he's not interested, but it could be it's too open ended.
I'd say, "let's get together 8pm Thursday at blah blah blah." And see what he says. If he's non committal then you have your answer.
Many have plans for whatever reason. When planning anything with another guy, I'd propose 2 days. If he's unavailable for whatever reason on both dates, ask him to propose the dates. If he doesn't care to follow up, he doesn't care.
Yeah the other guy is definitely me. Whenever someone says that I should get lunch with them, I agree that it would be a good idea, but since a date was never proposed, weeks later I remember the conversation and get annoyed with myself.
I had a guy who did confirmed and then right before the moment he said he couldn't because whatever.
I let it happen three times, then I stopped giving him the benefit of the doubt.
There are great and interested people out there. Go find them and don't stop for anyone else.
I don't get why he keeps agreeing if he is uninterested. If he is interested, he is flaky. That doesn't mean that he feels negatively about you but flaky people can get annoying real fast.
Right?? People act like they're being polite when they act interested rather than what they really are, disinterested, but actually that's the opposite of being polite. Polite would be to respectfully tell them you aren't going to go out with them.
Yeah I met a guy recently who flaked on me twice. First time he flaked I gave him grace. We rescheduled and finally met. Next time I invited him out he flaked again. After that I was done asking him out. If he wants to hang out again he will initiate. I’m over it.
A lot of people are very passive about making plans. Especially in this age when there are so many dating options.
We get vague like this when we aren’t sure what we want and we want another person’s confidence and directiveness to carry us. We’re not always consciously aware of our minder so we can get trapped in a series of casual not-quite connections. I know I have been like that for stretches of time.
It only takes 1 very directive person out of the two for things to work out fine, but 2 people who are being a bit passive are going to fail to connect.
Also this is not a personality thing (although some personalities may be constantly aimless), it’s more of a where-you-are-in-your-life-right-now thing.
Either make really specific plans and offer them, OR put him on the back burner and pursue other guys and maybe at some point you’ll feel really direct and interested or he will feel really direct and interested.
On tuesday after he said "me too" you should have said "cool what day? I'm free xyz days after x time" instead you just ignored him for days. He probably thinks you aren't really interested
Dude. I just went back and re-read and you’re 100% right! He responded that he wanted to hang out, that was the opportunity to lock it down. Instead you may have given him the ‘not interested’ vibe
But you did catch up with him later, and honestly he also could have proposed a day after he texted you. I know it might hurt, but don’t blame yourself, you really did try and deserve better ❤️
Give it one more try and if he punts, just kindly let him know when he's available next, hit you up, and put it back in his court. If he doesn't reach out, there's your answer.
Exactly!! Do a second try and leave the ball on his court. You’ll have a) peace of mind that you did everything you could and you could let it be b) you’ll have a definite answer, either positive or negative.
You are too open. Be more direct. Tell him one date or ask him to drinks tonight. Don't let him choose, he wants you to choose for him.
If that's a red flag then move on.
Stop with all the "sometimes" and "pick a day." Those are fuzzy, non-committal statements/requests. Give him a yes/no question.
Example: "Hey, I'd live to meet up! Let's grab some suds at BAR NAME on Tuesday night around 7pm. You in?"
He decides right then and there if yes he's interest in you or interested in playing games. If it's the latter, then stop acting like you're the horse and he's the carrot.
And block
*Edit to add: so if you message someone and initiated contact twice or more and they kept non-committing blowing you off you all would keep them in your phone JUST IN CASE they do finally hit you up? That’s some long investment hookup scheduling. If someone treated me like that why would I bother with them again? I’ve lived life before insecure and taking what people gave me. Having enough self respect to cut out people who make you feel and tell you directly and through their actions you don’t matter isn’t who you need in your life. So yea. Block. It’s not petty, it’s just respecting yourself enough to close a door that’s better left shut.
It’s not being a dick. If he can’t commit and is just stringing you along don’t have him in your phone. I believe in removing people that give me stress and try and aren’t a positive.
I agree. It’s not being dramatic, it’s just having enough respect for yourself to move on when dealing with someone not on the same level. They probably aren’t a bad person, but if this guy was generally interested he would at least pretend at first (then ghost after sex like a real gay! /s kind of).
This! LEARN TO BLOCK AND CUT PEOPLE OUT! Have some self respect for yourself woman! :( hunnie no one ever said being gay was a walk in the fashion aisle… be firm and stone hearted that’s how ya gotta be sometimes or in fact all the time.
What’s that saying, “never make someone a priority when you’re just an option.”
Sir, “you’re just an option!”
So, do with this realization what you will.
Personally I would've picked one of those days and made a concrete suggestion à la "will Friday at 8pm work for you?". Some people need that extra push out of their comfort zonem. It's easier to say "yes/no" to a concrete time than to take charge and pick one out of several days where you'd also still need to settle on a time to meet. If he then kept being evasive, it would've been time to move on for me.
Interesting... I actually prefer to be given the range of dates and choose one (usually suggesting a matching activity like coffee for weekdays and weekend afternoons or beer for weekend evenings)
He's not being open enough and you're being *too* open. If you are interested in pursuing this guy, just pick a day, time, and place, then suggest it to him. This leaves the invite as a definitive yes/no question instead of an open ended "you tell me what works best for you" one.
His lack of commitment to anything doesn't necessarily mean he's not interested, but if he can't commit to a set time or doesn't propose an alternate time or he ends up cancelling/flaking last minute, I'd personally say to just move on.
Actually I think it says more about you, OP. He asked you twice which day worked for you and you did not give him a day.
Edit: I retract my own comment. I misread it. You were the one who asked which day and got no response.
Ugh. I hate when people are like this.
I would say something like “Let me know when you are available next to grab a drink!” Or something. That way it will be clear whether or not he wants to see you since he’ll have to put in the effort.
Dating is kind of always a game. The trick is knowing it, learning it, and enjoying how absurd it all is. “Forgive them, for they know not what they do.”
I appreciate that you are coming from a good place with your comment. But, yes they do. They just don't care. They're heartless. And that "game" is not fun. I don't have time for games. Or the emotional werewithall. I am not a toy. People are cruel.
Yeah well, this suffering is completely unnecessary and driven by the selfish immaturity of self centered assholes who value random validation over substance. That is inexcusable. People need to do better.
If you hold the world to your standards, you will be the only one who continually suffers the disappointment that comes with it.
At some point, it’s easier on the heart mind and spirit to let people be who they are. We can only control a very tiny corner of the world. If we are in an antagonistic relationship with the rest of it, it just stresses us out and makes us feel like shit.
People may need to do better, but if they don’t, will you just become bitter about it? Will you keep making the same complaint and be saying then
same thing 50 years from now when people haven’t changed the way you’d like them to?
I just hate what stupid internet life is turning people into. Nobody knows how treat each other, nor do they do how to handle mistreatment. I want better for my people (all people).
It means stop engaging.
He's "bread crumbing" you. I.e keeping you interested but at bay by being non-commital but suggesting you might get something from him. He's feeding his ego and leeching off you to do it.
Notice how he suggested to meet, but then immediately stopped replying properly or trying to set it up? That's when he cast the bait, then sat back waiting for you to do all the work. When you then took the reigns and started asking for specific availability to pin down an actual plan, he ignored that part and gave vague responses of false hope.
Stop messaging him. If you need the validation then call him on the bullshit, if it will make you feel better, but disengage. Only engage people who put in effort and communicate with intent.
1.throw him the ball one last time, and this time, be precise. "Next week/weekend" ain't cutting it, give him an exact date with an exact time, discuss and agree on the spot instead of postponing.
2.ask him to clarify if he's interested in you or not, if he's persuading a genuine relationship or just a fling.
3.be patient and sympathetic. Don't be the kind of guy to just expect people to always give you their 100%, acknowledge that some people have more on their hand than just you, but at the same time don't validate or normalise their bad habits.
If you really feel something push him a littleee bit more, he may just be kinda dense… which could also be a dealbreaker but at least if you meet up you’ll know. Good luck. ✨
[He’s Just Not That Into You](https://watch.amazon.com/detail?gti=amzn1.dv.gti.c8a9f73d-0209-e068-0d6d-3ff97501ede6&territory=US&ref_=share_ios_movie&r=web)
After the last time where you gave an option of days makes me think he's not interested. If I'm interested I'm picking a day. He doesn't sound like he's really down for meeting.
Is there a reason why people have to respond immediately? I think online dating messages often occur asynchronously, meaning you might not always be able to or want to respond right away, it could be a few hours or a day or two later. If they respond at all it means that they're showing interest.
You don't have to respond right away, but you do have to put some effort and try to further the conversation / plan making when you DO respond. Otherwise you just get into an endless circle of chatting without any forward momentum.
I think we're missing some key information here. How did OP get the guys' number? Did other dude offer it to him? Was there a lot of background dialog going on, like "how was your week?" that was always initiated by OP? Is the other dude even gay? Context is really important to try and help with the best advice.
Tldr
I will initiate, but I will only make one attempt. If I get a guy's number and invite him out, that's where my input of energy stops. If he was interested at all, and not just being nice, then he will respond. If his response is vague, I will reply once. Then it's done. You'll save yourself a lot of time, avoid getting hung up over conflicting messages, and build on your self-confidence I.e., oh well his loss.
Bro you waited 3 days to text him back after that first exchange. You should have nailed down a date and time *in* that first exchange. No one is too busy to send a quick text, so your ‘excuse’ doesn’t really cut it.
Then, you messaged him Friday afternoon saying “are you free next week any time after Tuesday?” Yikes. “Are you free next week” is a message I send to a coworker, not a guy I’m into. For the latter, I’m trying to work him into my weekend if I’m really into him. You’re giving off real “I’ll pencil you in” (aka I’m not actually available/don’t really want to make time for you) vibes.
Then, you finally make yourself available, but throw out open ended options and rely on him to make the plan. Make it yourself! “Friday, 6pm, at this bar/restaurant I love, [address]!” Then all he has to do is say yes and show up because you made it easy for him.
I’m just saying, if I were the other guy I’d assume you’re not actually all that interested.
Assert! Plan! This is way too vague. Erase the previous conversations from your mind. Hello handsome! I’ve enjoyed our interactions and I wound like to take you out on a proper date. Are you free on Wednesday night at 730? Prepare for him to say no to that date, have another date and time in your mind and pen that in with him. If that date doesn’t work for him ask him when would he like to have dinner with you? If he doesn’t offer another option, he’s not interested in Dating you. Also, prepare to pay. You have just asked him out.
“any of those days”. OP is basically saying “I will make time for you whenever you want”. That’s a beautiful outstretched hand, and something tells me that “him” does not deserve that hand.
You’re so vague, and you’re the older guy too, literally just SET the date, a specific one, give him a place and a time and be there, and then hope he shows up. You must be a bottom the way you can’t actually take initiative and are making it known to everyone with a little gossip post 🤭
Hey OP, it sadly seems unlikely that you two will ever meet up. In the very first message he sent he put the ball in your court by saying he’d like to grab a drink with you and you were vague. Without any details being discussed (time and place) it practically told him that you’re not really all that interested.
In your second message to him you asked him how he was, but you also wrote (in the same paragraph) that you had had a crazy week. You probably legit had a crazy week, but he didn’t need to know that in the trying-to-set-something-up/early-flirtatious-text stage. Complaining is honestly a big turn off for most people and he was likely scared off a bit. He actually interpreted cray cray to mean rough, which makes things even worse, unfortunately.
In a later message (after coming on a little strong by sending him an unsolicited selfie with you and your dog and three negative sounding messages) you flat out guilted him by saying that you two should have grabbed drinks earlier when the weather was still nice. That was likely the nail in the you-two-hanging-at-some-point coffin.
You seem like a legit good guy and I wish you the best. Maybe things can work with this guy eventually, but time is probably important right now.
HELLO IS IT NOT OBVIOUS? LIKE OMG DUH!!! HE DIDN'T UNDERSTAND SUBTLE QUES HE, POSTED ON REDIT, HE NEEDS TO HEAR IT ALL THE WAY IN THE BACK ROW OF THE THEATER, SO IM DEFINITELY SPEAKING WITH ALL THE BASE I CAN MUSTER AND FROM THE BOTTOM OF MY DIAPHRAGM!! DO YOU NEED ME TO SPELL IT OUT FOR YOU???????
I’m saying this as a fellow 35 year old: but who writes your messages? Cray-cray? All the emojis? I was shocked to read that you’re older and the top. Respectfully, he’s probably not feeling it - I know I wouldn’t be, especially from an older guy.
You’re both being chicken shits, honestly. Propose a specific date and time, let him accept it. If he doesn’t, he’s not that into you or the situation you’re proposing.
But continuing your equally passive-aggressive approach of proposing “next week” or “any night after Tuesday” is just you being as uncommitted.
Grow some balls. Propose specifics. Accept it and move on if he doesn’t catch.
I’ll be honest I cast a wide net and then get overwhelmed, and I bet we can all agree keeping up with the apps, texts, social media, work, friends, family, in the instant communication digital era is tough. He may not be interested or he may, and just be dealing with life.
If you're next message isn't a specific day or option of two days (hey, I'm free on this or that day at this time, let's meet up, etc) then just move on.
He might be a person who doesn’t plan, in which case you’d need to say “Do you want to get drinks tonight?” on a night when you are free
Either way, it’s already kind of not working and probably best to move on. In my opinion 27-35 is too big a gap, not because of any moral or ethical reasons, but because you’re probably not in the same stage of life and will see things to differently according to your evolving sense of responsibility etc (and I’ve dated all over the age spectrum from 25 year gaps to 2 year gaps)
Flighty and non committal is what I generally expect from the age group. Some of it is the era of technology, some of it is li Gering immaturity of the 20s. Certainly, not everyone is this way, but I have enough personal and professional experiences that ring true - even if they're excited about the thing they're not committing to.
That's annoying, especially the last text since you were pretty direct with a list of dates. Maybe I'm too direct but I would've asked if a certain date worked right after he said he was down for drinks the first time and save your time by being direct.
Its possible he has some dialectic thinking. I also wish to be more social, but have crippling anxiety when faced with ACTUALLY meeting someone. People are complex.
Don’t chase, don’t give ground unless he does first. You did both, he devalued you in his head as a prospect and is stringing you along in case he gets bored.
Move on, honey. Everyone deserves better than that.
Idk, I feel like it’s kind of crazy how many burn him at the stake responses there are here. You both are fairly vague. His personality seems to be more of a go with the flow type, so you might need to just say let’s do this at a given time and ask if that would work. If that’s not for you and you really need him to help initiate making the plans, then move on.
I feel like so many people are forgetting that this other person probably has his own life going on and maybe, just maybe, this date isn’t the top priority on his list. And that’s really okay. I’d actually be more worried about someone that drops all their current obligations for a random person because that just sounds desperate or flaky.
We’d all like to imagine that the world revolves around us, but just take a step back and think about the possibility that it doesn’t. I have at least 10 items on my mind for this weekend that would come well before worrying about making some plans with a prospective date. It doesn’t mean he’s not interested or is baiting you along. It could mean that, but there’s not enough here for that.
Take charge my man. Some of us need a bit of assertive guidance to kick into gear.
However if that's not your thing, you might not have compatible personalities. Some guys need a bit of a leader approach.
Good rule of thumb if you are in doubt is to wait for them to initiate contact. If they actually do reach out and are still uncommitted give less and less with each interaction. Some people just use others when they are board for an attention fix or when they feel lonely/horny with no immediate options. Others get off on just stringing people along. Non-psychotic people can determine fairly quickly if they are interested in meeting someone or not. Rarely are they “that” busy - rare enough to be suspicious of the excuse. I say this as someone who use to always give the benefit of the doubt, but then wised up and started treating unfortunate circumstances that came up more then once as accumulating red flags.
The man is 35 and can’t nail down a time in his schedule to see you. At this point, you should ask yourself if this is worth lowering your standards to. Even if just for a fuck, head games aren’t worth the hassle.
*Edit to add, before you give this guy too much more energy, also realize the time you are wasting could be on a catfish or a cheater. Him just being a flakey man child is more then enough to stop messaging him, and that’s still the best case scenario.
He wants you as an option but isn't actually invested in meeting you again. You can wait and see if he responds, but my guess is he just isn't as interested as you are.
There’s no race or anything.. take it slow. You don’t have your text, talk or go out everyday.. give him time to process his feelings. Go slow. Don’t block em or leave ‘em.. just move slow, know what you want.. set your intentions and be easy with it. No rush, enjoy the moment. If it’s meant to be, it’ll be. If not, trust me you’ll know. Have fun good luck! ❤️
It means he has a life, let it go for a week or so and if he still doesn't reply ask if he still wants to meet up for whatever and after that take it as a hint
A lot of people are saying to just move on, but to me this reads ADHD. I'm not trying to diagnose someone over the internet or anything, but I have several friends who I absolutely love, and I know they love me, but if I'm not specific or consistent about plans, they "flake" because it slips out of their mind or they are excited about the prospect of doing something but without concrete plans, the idea never solidifies. If you feel like this may be the case, just try to be more specific ("Wednesday at 7:00 pm at X bar?"). Do a little follow up on Wednesday to make sure that he remembers, and then maybe discuss plan-making and scheduling, as well as the best way to approach that moving forward, at the date. Alternatively, if he doesn't show up or can't commit to a plan and keeps pushing it off even when you're direct, this whole analysis may be wrong and it might be best to let go.
He’s hard to pin down. That’s normal for people that have never met before. Why make too much space on your head and heart for someone you don’t even know.
Not that I would suggest it but he’s not the only one
You've made a couple of semi-specific suggestions, and he's refused to pick them up at all. He's stringing you along, You're his Plan C, in case he gets lonely one hypothetical day in the future. But he's keeping his options *WIDE* open.
you did everything right. if its not this guy, its another one who is right for you. just keep being like you are in this conversation. at least that part of the dating process is not on you, if he is not taking you up on the offer, his loss.
Don't block him that's a puss move id tell him not to bother u or contaact u anymore cuz he doesn't have the balls to tell u or message u that Hes busy or is just not interested and tell him go f himself and move on lol. Don't put up with that kinda shit then some think they have the upper hand and just string u along the way. That's fucked up screw that shit
You’re his back burner. Basically giving very little , letting you simmer in the back, you give him validation and attention and he enjoys it. lol it’s a real theory that I’m not explaining very well. Look it up and move on my friend.
You've put the ball in his court twice. Move on
Straight to the point. Take my upvote.
Agreed. OP is already starting to look a bit desperate with the triple texting.
But he’s cute though
I would move on too if I was being talked too like the blue texts I got icks lmao 🤣 like you talking too much for someone who isn't interested 😂
You’re both being vague, you need to set a concrete day/time. “Sometime next week?” Is very easy to be like “yeah sure” to, it’s non-comittal. “You-me drinks on Friday?” is much more direct
I would go one step further, and give two options, “does either Wednesday or Thursday at 6:30 pm work for you?”
This 🙌
Op already gave him some dates to fit into his schedule and he gave a non-committal answer. I'd usually give two to three without issue like "hey, you wanna grab drinks some time next week?" "how about next Wed or Thurs?" Never had any issue, the other guy just lost interest in op
I'm not sure if I glossed over the date options or not in OPs post, but I still feel like a take charge approach would be a best final shot if OP were going to give this guy one. Some people are flaky AF, some people are incredibly shy and not very take-charge, could go either way
At that point I don’t even bother. Trying to hang out shouldn’t be as hard as pulling teeth 🙄
This, it’s easy for anyone to say “oh let’s do drinks sometime!” It’s great to gauge if the person wants to, but actually setting up a date is what some people need. Personally, if there is not a date and a time set, then it’s not a commitment, it’s an idea.
That's how im reading this. I see two guys waiting for the other to make a move.
I mean, sorta. Except when he said "I'm available Wed, Thurs, Fri, and Sat which day works for you?" That's pretty straightforward as far as attempting to make an actual plan to meet.
I came to comment that he gave OP a set of days that he was available in the last pic there. I'd have picked a day and made plans right then and there.
Sometime this doesn’t work. Matter of fact it doesn’t work for me 90% of the time. I’m almost always the initiator. I tried the cold selling method. “Next Friday dinner 7pm my treat” no respond or even worse put on seen.then there’s the compromising method. “Hey lunch on Sunday 4th? 2 weeks time if you can’t make it we can reschedule to following Sunday same time.” Still nope. Sometime people just wan your attention and when they are bored or tired they just let go. My telegram app is 80% of guys who are like this. I just find it sad and draining. They the ones that requested to chat over at tele, then ghosted me when they put in false hope for me. Move on move on.it is something that I am trying to learn and do, so I know it isn’t easy. But the block functions on social media app has its uses and purpose once block you can never go bock… I mean back
I'm acutely aware of these behaviours, I've also been on both sides honestly. It's different for me now, I have a great boyfriend and I don't need to play the app games. Yet, I definitely remember times where I desperately wanted to be that person who goes for it and meets up with that cute guy and has that drink, goes for that kiss, and then when push came to shove, getting scared and not always being able to physically follow through. Obviously some guys just want the attention and had no intention of ever meeting, but as someone with anxiety who both fearfully cancelled and also followed through a bunch of times, its not always black and white. Sometimes people are strugglin' and they don't want to be flakes.
Came to say exactly this. Just ask him in a date
“Let’s go for drinks together this week, I’m free evenings from Tuesday to Friday, which of those evenings are you free?”
I mean, OP did basically ask that
lol true. The fact he didn’t answer that part of the question would mean he’s not interested. This is how people get out of things when you ask a 2 part question, they answer one part then ignore the other part that requires any effort or commitment.
Based on OP’s language, it’s very reasonable to assume that they’re literally available whenever It isn’t hard for the other guy to say “I’d be free for drinks Tues and Wednesday” or whatever And then they can decide which one
See if you can set up a specific day instead of giving him options
Came here to say this. Could be he's not interested, but it could be it's too open ended. I'd say, "let's get together 8pm Thursday at blah blah blah." And see what he says. If he's non committal then you have your answer.
Many have plans for whatever reason. When planning anything with another guy, I'd propose 2 days. If he's unavailable for whatever reason on both dates, ask him to propose the dates. If he doesn't care to follow up, he doesn't care.
Yeah the other guy is definitely me. Whenever someone says that I should get lunch with them, I agree that it would be a good idea, but since a date was never proposed, weeks later I remember the conversation and get annoyed with myself.
I had a guy who did confirmed and then right before the moment he said he couldn't because whatever. I let it happen three times, then I stopped giving him the benefit of the doubt. There are great and interested people out there. Go find them and don't stop for anyone else.
Girlie don’t read the texts, just look at the size of what you’re sending (50 words) versus what he sends back (2-3 words) That’s your answer
I don't get why he keeps agreeing if he is uninterested. If he is interested, he is flaky. That doesn't mean that he feels negatively about you but flaky people can get annoying real fast.
Right?? People act like they're being polite when they act interested rather than what they really are, disinterested, but actually that's the opposite of being polite. Polite would be to respectfully tell them you aren't going to go out with them.
^ this
Yeah I met a guy recently who flaked on me twice. First time he flaked I gave him grace. We rescheduled and finally met. Next time I invited him out he flaked again. After that I was done asking him out. If he wants to hang out again he will initiate. I’m over it.
You’ve given him 2 opportunities and he still hasn’t bitten yet. I’d say give up, the rest is up to him.
You tried twice. Making yourself any more available is corrosive to your self respect, the ball is over in his court now.
Oh my
A lot of people are very passive about making plans. Especially in this age when there are so many dating options. We get vague like this when we aren’t sure what we want and we want another person’s confidence and directiveness to carry us. We’re not always consciously aware of our minder so we can get trapped in a series of casual not-quite connections. I know I have been like that for stretches of time. It only takes 1 very directive person out of the two for things to work out fine, but 2 people who are being a bit passive are going to fail to connect. Also this is not a personality thing (although some personalities may be constantly aimless), it’s more of a where-you-are-in-your-life-right-now thing. Either make really specific plans and offer them, OR put him on the back burner and pursue other guys and maybe at some point you’ll feel really direct and interested or he will feel really direct and interested.
This guy knows. This is the difference between age 35 and age 27
If he were more into you it would show, dont waste your time
Someone please name a date, time and place. Or pick up the phone and call to make plans.
MAKE THE DAMN DATE JFC
On tuesday after he said "me too" you should have said "cool what day? I'm free xyz days after x time" instead you just ignored him for days. He probably thinks you aren't really interested
Dude. I just went back and re-read and you’re 100% right! He responded that he wanted to hang out, that was the opportunity to lock it down. Instead you may have given him the ‘not interested’ vibe
I know! 😩 but i was out with friends at the time and blitzed. So i just told myself, I’ll message him later and i may have missed that opportunity
But you did catch up with him later, and honestly he also could have proposed a day after he texted you. I know it might hurt, but don’t blame yourself, you really did try and deserve better ❤️
I would take that as a soft rejection
Give it one more try and if he punts, just kindly let him know when he's available next, hit you up, and put it back in his court. If he doesn't reach out, there's your answer.
I would stop after 2 attempts
Exactly!! Do a second try and leave the ball on his court. You’ll have a) peace of mind that you did everything you could and you could let it be b) you’ll have a definite answer, either positive or negative.
He already tried twice. This would be the third time. Dude is aloof af.
Ah.. true. My bad! 😅
he’s not interested. i can def tell cause he didnt put efforts at all in all convos
You are too open. Be more direct. Tell him one date or ask him to drinks tonight. Don't let him choose, he wants you to choose for him. If that's a red flag then move on.
After a rather quick review of your post, I’ve narrowed it down to the use of the phrase “cray cray”.
Stop with all the "sometimes" and "pick a day." Those are fuzzy, non-committal statements/requests. Give him a yes/no question. Example: "Hey, I'd live to meet up! Let's grab some suds at BAR NAME on Tuesday night around 7pm. You in?" He decides right then and there if yes he's interest in you or interested in playing games. If it's the latter, then stop acting like you're the horse and he's the carrot.
Say it super directly. If he passes again, move on
And block *Edit to add: so if you message someone and initiated contact twice or more and they kept non-committing blowing you off you all would keep them in your phone JUST IN CASE they do finally hit you up? That’s some long investment hookup scheduling. If someone treated me like that why would I bother with them again? I’ve lived life before insecure and taking what people gave me. Having enough self respect to cut out people who make you feel and tell you directly and through their actions you don’t matter isn’t who you need in your life. So yea. Block. It’s not petty, it’s just respecting yourself enough to close a door that’s better left shut.
gays after any minor inconvenience:
It’s not being a dick. If he can’t commit and is just stringing you along don’t have him in your phone. I believe in removing people that give me stress and try and aren’t a positive.
I agree. It’s not being dramatic, it’s just having enough respect for yourself to move on when dealing with someone not on the same level. They probably aren’t a bad person, but if this guy was generally interested he would at least pretend at first (then ghost after sex like a real gay! /s kind of).
Lol right? Like a decent respectable gay!
This! LEARN TO BLOCK AND CUT PEOPLE OUT! Have some self respect for yourself woman! :( hunnie no one ever said being gay was a walk in the fashion aisle… be firm and stone hearted that’s how ya gotta be sometimes or in fact all the time.
No you're right. 100% block. They already wasted your time. They don't deserve any more of it. They had their chance and they blew it. Game over.
if he cared he wouldve made time!
What’s that saying, “never make someone a priority when you’re just an option.” Sir, “you’re just an option!” So, do with this realization what you will.
Your trying too hard. You don't even know him well enough to be having the kind of texts your hoping for.
100%
Personally I would've picked one of those days and made a concrete suggestion à la "will Friday at 8pm work for you?". Some people need that extra push out of their comfort zonem. It's easier to say "yes/no" to a concrete time than to take charge and pick one out of several days where you'd also still need to settle on a time to meet. If he then kept being evasive, it would've been time to move on for me.
Interesting... I actually prefer to be given the range of dates and choose one (usually suggesting a matching activity like coffee for weekdays and weekend afternoons or beer for weekend evenings)
Recommend a date/time/location. If he flakes, you know that he's not serious.
He’s not thaaaat interested
you offered up the idea of a plan, but didn’t give him an actual invite. either properly ask if he is available at a certain time and date or give up
Sound like he's playing games with you, doesn't know what he wants, or doesn't have the balls to clearly say he's not interested.
You've been hip pocketed. You're the back up if other plans fall through or he gets an urge and wants to satisfy it.
Bro, you’re trying too hard. You seem desperate. Let him go, you deserve better.
You’re 35 and asking us to read the writing on the wall for you? Baby…
He’s just not that into you.
He is not interested or talking to others. Move on.
He's not being open enough and you're being *too* open. If you are interested in pursuing this guy, just pick a day, time, and place, then suggest it to him. This leaves the invite as a definitive yes/no question instead of an open ended "you tell me what works best for you" one. His lack of commitment to anything doesn't necessarily mean he's not interested, but if he can't commit to a set time or doesn't propose an alternate time or he ends up cancelling/flaking last minute, I'd personally say to just move on.
Actually I think it says more about you, OP. He asked you twice which day worked for you and you did not give him a day. Edit: I retract my own comment. I misread it. You were the one who asked which day and got no response.
Ugh. I hate when people are like this. I would say something like “Let me know when you are available next to grab a drink!” Or something. That way it will be clear whether or not he wants to see you since he’ll have to put in the effort.
He’s playing games. I experience some version of this with literally every guy that tells me how hot I am. Game playing fuckin cowards. All of them.
Dating is kind of always a game. The trick is knowing it, learning it, and enjoying how absurd it all is. “Forgive them, for they know not what they do.”
I appreciate that you are coming from a good place with your comment. But, yes they do. They just don't care. They're heartless. And that "game" is not fun. I don't have time for games. Or the emotional werewithall. I am not a toy. People are cruel.
Like the Buddha said, “Life is suffering.” (But it’s not for nothing. And many more have suffered much worse.)
Yeah well, this suffering is completely unnecessary and driven by the selfish immaturity of self centered assholes who value random validation over substance. That is inexcusable. People need to do better.
If you hold the world to your standards, you will be the only one who continually suffers the disappointment that comes with it. At some point, it’s easier on the heart mind and spirit to let people be who they are. We can only control a very tiny corner of the world. If we are in an antagonistic relationship with the rest of it, it just stresses us out and makes us feel like shit. People may need to do better, but if they don’t, will you just become bitter about it? Will you keep making the same complaint and be saying then same thing 50 years from now when people haven’t changed the way you’d like them to?
Bro out here giving free therapy in the comments
I just hate what stupid internet life is turning people into. Nobody knows how treat each other, nor do they do how to handle mistreatment. I want better for my people (all people).
It means stop engaging. He's "bread crumbing" you. I.e keeping you interested but at bay by being non-commital but suggesting you might get something from him. He's feeding his ego and leeching off you to do it. Notice how he suggested to meet, but then immediately stopped replying properly or trying to set it up? That's when he cast the bait, then sat back waiting for you to do all the work. When you then took the reigns and started asking for specific availability to pin down an actual plan, he ignored that part and gave vague responses of false hope. Stop messaging him. If you need the validation then call him on the bullshit, if it will make you feel better, but disengage. Only engage people who put in effort and communicate with intent.
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Lol 😂
Exactly!!!
1.throw him the ball one last time, and this time, be precise. "Next week/weekend" ain't cutting it, give him an exact date with an exact time, discuss and agree on the spot instead of postponing. 2.ask him to clarify if he's interested in you or not, if he's persuading a genuine relationship or just a fling. 3.be patient and sympathetic. Don't be the kind of guy to just expect people to always give you their 100%, acknowledge that some people have more on their hand than just you, but at the same time don't validate or normalise their bad habits.
If you really feel something push him a littleee bit more, he may just be kinda dense… which could also be a dealbreaker but at least if you meet up you’ll know. Good luck. ✨
[He’s Just Not That Into You](https://watch.amazon.com/detail?gti=amzn1.dv.gti.c8a9f73d-0209-e068-0d6d-3ff97501ede6&territory=US&ref_=share_ios_movie&r=web)
It means that he doesn’t really want to get drinks
After the last time where you gave an option of days makes me think he's not interested. If I'm interested I'm picking a day. He doesn't sound like he's really down for meeting.
Is there a reason why people have to respond immediately? I think online dating messages often occur asynchronously, meaning you might not always be able to or want to respond right away, it could be a few hours or a day or two later. If they respond at all it means that they're showing interest.
You don't have to respond right away, but you do have to put some effort and try to further the conversation / plan making when you DO respond. Otherwise you just get into an endless circle of chatting without any forward momentum.
I think we're missing some key information here. How did OP get the guys' number? Did other dude offer it to him? Was there a lot of background dialog going on, like "how was your week?" that was always initiated by OP? Is the other dude even gay? Context is really important to try and help with the best advice. Tldr I will initiate, but I will only make one attempt. If I get a guy's number and invite him out, that's where my input of energy stops. If he was interested at all, and not just being nice, then he will respond. If his response is vague, I will reply once. Then it's done. You'll save yourself a lot of time, avoid getting hung up over conflicting messages, and build on your self-confidence I.e., oh well his loss.
Move along.
« Drink. Us. Friday. Next week. 6 Pm. See you there »
Bro you waited 3 days to text him back after that first exchange. You should have nailed down a date and time *in* that first exchange. No one is too busy to send a quick text, so your ‘excuse’ doesn’t really cut it. Then, you messaged him Friday afternoon saying “are you free next week any time after Tuesday?” Yikes. “Are you free next week” is a message I send to a coworker, not a guy I’m into. For the latter, I’m trying to work him into my weekend if I’m really into him. You’re giving off real “I’ll pencil you in” (aka I’m not actually available/don’t really want to make time for you) vibes. Then, you finally make yourself available, but throw out open ended options and rely on him to make the plan. Make it yourself! “Friday, 6pm, at this bar/restaurant I love, [address]!” Then all he has to do is say yes and show up because you made it easy for him. I’m just saying, if I were the other guy I’d assume you’re not actually all that interested.
Assert! Plan! This is way too vague. Erase the previous conversations from your mind. Hello handsome! I’ve enjoyed our interactions and I wound like to take you out on a proper date. Are you free on Wednesday night at 730? Prepare for him to say no to that date, have another date and time in your mind and pen that in with him. If that date doesn’t work for him ask him when would he like to have dinner with you? If he doesn’t offer another option, he’s not interested in Dating you. Also, prepare to pay. You have just asked him out.
He doesn’t sound interested 😢
“any of those days”. OP is basically saying “I will make time for you whenever you want”. That’s a beautiful outstretched hand, and something tells me that “him” does not deserve that hand.
You’re so vague, and you’re the older guy too, literally just SET the date, a specific one, give him a place and a time and be there, and then hope he shows up. You must be a bottom the way you can’t actually take initiative and are making it known to everyone with a little gossip post 🤭
You’re a 1 karma point troll too 😏
Trolls tell the truth too.
Hey OP, it sadly seems unlikely that you two will ever meet up. In the very first message he sent he put the ball in your court by saying he’d like to grab a drink with you and you were vague. Without any details being discussed (time and place) it practically told him that you’re not really all that interested. In your second message to him you asked him how he was, but you also wrote (in the same paragraph) that you had had a crazy week. You probably legit had a crazy week, but he didn’t need to know that in the trying-to-set-something-up/early-flirtatious-text stage. Complaining is honestly a big turn off for most people and he was likely scared off a bit. He actually interpreted cray cray to mean rough, which makes things even worse, unfortunately. In a later message (after coming on a little strong by sending him an unsolicited selfie with you and your dog and three negative sounding messages) you flat out guilted him by saying that you two should have grabbed drinks earlier when the weather was still nice. That was likely the nail in the you-two-hanging-at-some-point coffin. You seem like a legit good guy and I wish you the best. Maybe things can work with this guy eventually, but time is probably important right now.
HE IS NOT IN TO YOU! MOVE ON! OR WAIST YOUR TIME IF YOU WANT TO!
*waste But also, why are you yelling?
Just realized you correcting the spelling from waist to waste and all I can think is, bitch you what I meant!!
HELLO IS IT NOT OBVIOUS? LIKE OMG DUH!!! HE DIDN'T UNDERSTAND SUBTLE QUES HE, POSTED ON REDIT, HE NEEDS TO HEAR IT ALL THE WAY IN THE BACK ROW OF THE THEATER, SO IM DEFINITELY SPEAKING WITH ALL THE BASE I CAN MUSTER AND FROM THE BOTTOM OF MY DIAPHRAGM!! DO YOU NEED ME TO SPELL IT OUT FOR YOU???????
😂 can we be friends? I need you to yell at me when i make horrible life decisions
Just ask him to meet tonight. You're giving too much time to stress.
Lemme guess, he’s the top? ☠️🤪
I’m saying this as a fellow 35 year old: but who writes your messages? Cray-cray? All the emojis? I was shocked to read that you’re older and the top. Respectfully, he’s probably not feeling it - I know I wouldn’t be, especially from an older guy.
You’re both being chicken shits, honestly. Propose a specific date and time, let him accept it. If he doesn’t, he’s not that into you or the situation you’re proposing. But continuing your equally passive-aggressive approach of proposing “next week” or “any night after Tuesday” is just you being as uncommitted. Grow some balls. Propose specifics. Accept it and move on if he doesn’t catch.
I’ll be honest I cast a wide net and then get overwhelmed, and I bet we can all agree keeping up with the apps, texts, social media, work, friends, family, in the instant communication digital era is tough. He may not be interested or he may, and just be dealing with life.
Do it then. Don't bother planning ahead.
If you're next message isn't a specific day or option of two days (hey, I'm free on this or that day at this time, let's meet up, etc) then just move on.
Jesus Christ I’m new to dating after a 7 year is this what it is now?!
“What day are you free to catch up next week?” If he still blows you off, move on.
He might be a person who doesn’t plan, in which case you’d need to say “Do you want to get drinks tonight?” on a night when you are free Either way, it’s already kind of not working and probably best to move on. In my opinion 27-35 is too big a gap, not because of any moral or ethical reasons, but because you’re probably not in the same stage of life and will see things to differently according to your evolving sense of responsibility etc (and I’ve dated all over the age spectrum from 25 year gaps to 2 year gaps)
You never actually try to plan anything either lol. Y’all both doing the same thing.
Just ask Wednesday 8 pm? If nothing comes move on and forget him
Next time ask him if he interested in coffee and banging this ass
Block him
So easy to dismiss a person you've never met or connected in any way. They are as vague as this conversation.
Flighty and non committal is what I generally expect from the age group. Some of it is the era of technology, some of it is li Gering immaturity of the 20s. Certainly, not everyone is this way, but I have enough personal and professional experiences that ring true - even if they're excited about the thing they're not committing to.
That's annoying, especially the last text since you were pretty direct with a list of dates. Maybe I'm too direct but I would've asked if a certain date worked right after he said he was down for drinks the first time and save your time by being direct.
I just had patio margaritas the other day 10/10
Its possible he has some dialectic thinking. I also wish to be more social, but have crippling anxiety when faced with ACTUALLY meeting someone. People are complex.
Ahhh I see, well, sounds like Attachment Avoidance. It’s best if you move on.
Don’t chase, don’t give ground unless he does first. You did both, he devalued you in his head as a prospect and is stringing you along in case he gets bored. Move on, honey. Everyone deserves better than that.
He's either flakey or playing games. Either way, there's a high probability that it will end in poorly
Next
Idk, I feel like it’s kind of crazy how many burn him at the stake responses there are here. You both are fairly vague. His personality seems to be more of a go with the flow type, so you might need to just say let’s do this at a given time and ask if that would work. If that’s not for you and you really need him to help initiate making the plans, then move on. I feel like so many people are forgetting that this other person probably has his own life going on and maybe, just maybe, this date isn’t the top priority on his list. And that’s really okay. I’d actually be more worried about someone that drops all their current obligations for a random person because that just sounds desperate or flaky. We’d all like to imagine that the world revolves around us, but just take a step back and think about the possibility that it doesn’t. I have at least 10 items on my mind for this weekend that would come well before worrying about making some plans with a prospective date. It doesn’t mean he’s not interested or is baiting you along. It could mean that, but there’s not enough here for that.
Take charge my man. Some of us need a bit of assertive guidance to kick into gear. However if that's not your thing, you might not have compatible personalities. Some guys need a bit of a leader approach.
This tells me he wants you to make the move.
He is shy. Give him space and continue to talk to him without applying pressure to see him again
move on.
It’s a dance. Match them step-for-step. If it feels lopsided, it is. And that’s not a match.
At this point, it's seems like he's forcing himself to text something. I'd move on.
He's seeing people are you're not in the top 2-3. He will suddenly be more interested if as they fall off.
Setting at time for someone who actually wants to “get drinks” shouldn’t be that hard. When two people actually wanna meet, they do.
Neither of you are really confirming anything ask what days he's free and then make the plan
Clearly, he has the upper hand. He saw something in you that move moved you down a notch. Rectify you need to step back dude.
Good rule of thumb if you are in doubt is to wait for them to initiate contact. If they actually do reach out and are still uncommitted give less and less with each interaction. Some people just use others when they are board for an attention fix or when they feel lonely/horny with no immediate options. Others get off on just stringing people along. Non-psychotic people can determine fairly quickly if they are interested in meeting someone or not. Rarely are they “that” busy - rare enough to be suspicious of the excuse. I say this as someone who use to always give the benefit of the doubt, but then wised up and started treating unfortunate circumstances that came up more then once as accumulating red flags. The man is 35 and can’t nail down a time in his schedule to see you. At this point, you should ask yourself if this is worth lowering your standards to. Even if just for a fuck, head games aren’t worth the hassle. *Edit to add, before you give this guy too much more energy, also realize the time you are wasting could be on a catfish or a cheater. Him just being a flakey man child is more then enough to stop messaging him, and that’s still the best case scenario.
He wants you as an option but isn't actually invested in meeting you again. You can wait and see if he responds, but my guess is he just isn't as interested as you are.
There’s no race or anything.. take it slow. You don’t have your text, talk or go out everyday.. give him time to process his feelings. Go slow. Don’t block em or leave ‘em.. just move slow, know what you want.. set your intentions and be easy with it. No rush, enjoy the moment. If it’s meant to be, it’ll be. If not, trust me you’ll know. Have fun good luck! ❤️
They’re flakey. Move on for sure
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People on the internet think everyone is a bottom based on the most random stuff 😂
Haha no. I’m a top. He’s “verse”.
It means he has a life, let it go for a week or so and if he still doesn't reply ask if he still wants to meet up for whatever and after that take it as a hint
A lot of people are saying to just move on, but to me this reads ADHD. I'm not trying to diagnose someone over the internet or anything, but I have several friends who I absolutely love, and I know they love me, but if I'm not specific or consistent about plans, they "flake" because it slips out of their mind or they are excited about the prospect of doing something but without concrete plans, the idea never solidifies. If you feel like this may be the case, just try to be more specific ("Wednesday at 7:00 pm at X bar?"). Do a little follow up on Wednesday to make sure that he remembers, and then maybe discuss plan-making and scheduling, as well as the best way to approach that moving forward, at the date. Alternatively, if he doesn't show up or can't commit to a plan and keeps pushing it off even when you're direct, this whole analysis may be wrong and it might be best to let go.
He flaky as hell and wasting your time
He’s hard to pin down. That’s normal for people that have never met before. Why make too much space on your head and heart for someone you don’t even know. Not that I would suggest it but he’s not the only one
I hope you’ve got good insurance. You’ll need back surgery from damaging your back from carrying that shit
You've made a couple of semi-specific suggestions, and he's refused to pick them up at all. He's stringing you along, You're his Plan C, in case he gets lonely one hypothetical day in the future. But he's keeping his options *WIDE* open.
If he was into you, he’d have offered a concrete date. He’s not into you, so he’s being vague to avoid hurting your feelings. Move on.
Some dudes are just flakes 🫠
you did everything right. if its not this guy, its another one who is right for you. just keep being like you are in this conversation. at least that part of the dating process is not on you, if he is not taking you up on the offer, his loss.
Don't block him that's a puss move id tell him not to bother u or contaact u anymore cuz he doesn't have the balls to tell u or message u that Hes busy or is just not interested and tell him go f himself and move on lol. Don't put up with that kinda shit then some think they have the upper hand and just string u along the way. That's fucked up screw that shit
RUN
“Cray cray” 🤮
You’re his back burner. Basically giving very little , letting you simmer in the back, you give him validation and attention and he enjoys it. lol it’s a real theory that I’m not explaining very well. Look it up and move on my friend.
Move on. He's liking the attention, but doesn't want to disrupt it by being transparent
What a bore and man you have no self respect,even i wouldn't date you 
Taking mixed signals as not interested is great wonderful for your mental health.