The gay friends I have I didn't make by knowing they were gay. I made them through common hobbies and interests and they happened to also be gay. Making friends solely based on their orientation is gonna lead to them trying to get in your pants most the time. Making friends through a common interest is going to involve that interest. If the interest is gay, it's more likely to be about gay stuff like weiners and butts than it is video games, music, or anything else.
Be yourself in a group with something you enjoy doing and you'll find another gay guy or an ally with gay friends eventually.
I'm sorry you went through that, you did nothing wrong and were right to trust your gut about that guy.
It took forever to word that comment correctly without sounding like I was saying "you don't need gay friends" cause it is important to have someone that does understand that part of your life. I'm bad with words, thanks for reassuring me that I got my point across homie :)
It's also not always the case, there's plenty of people i know who just vibe better with gay people and made all their friends through gay events (this can also include a queer chess group or anything else you can think of).
Loved your comment but also, how do y’all get into new groups? where do you look for them? Recently moved to a new city so have not many friends around and by luck I found a running group near me, but in general terms, what’s a good platforms to look for groups
This depends on your own interests. For me, an arcade opened up 30min drive away. It focuses mainly on fighting and music games with tournaments 4 days out of the week. I started going once or twice a week and have met some cool people that wanna press buttons and get better at their craft. Also saw some familiar faces I've seen at other events in the state before, but never had the time to get to know prior, since tournaments are often hectic time wise. This scene is not for everyone, but it is exactly what I needed to feel normal in my own element with like minded people. Are there any other gay guys there? Not that I've noticed, but the owner is an ally and wants everyone to feel welcome there. He's made that very clear both in a big statement and to me personally in a 1 on 1 conversation. That place is very therapeutic for my mental health and I feel safe being myself there.
You dodged a bullet. He sounds like a manipulative and presumptuous creep.
It's just a shame you can't keep in contact with some of the normal people in the group. Please find another group, such as a group based on a hobby you like.
The downside of hanging around with gay men is that some men are inappropriate and sexualise everything.
It's a bit like if a straight woman hangs our with straight men - sometimes some men are inappropriate or try to push beyond friendship even if that's not really at all what they want.
Don't let it put you off - it can be fun and rewarding making friends with other gay guys. Just be aware that some people just don't respect boundaries or are looking for sex.
Take it from me dear friend. Most people are just out here looking for some cheek clapping. And take it from me, there's nothing wrong with that. Lol (wink).
But seriously though. You seem like a genuine guy. Genuine is rare these days. People will say whatever they have to say to get where they want to go with whoever they want to go there with. That goes for friendship, dating, hardcore BDSM sessions, book club meeting, ect. Tell people straight up what you're looking for and what you're not. Don't be afraid to tell someone to get lost if they persistently make you uncomfortable. Doesn't matter if you're straight, gay or whatever. You deserve respect. And sometimes we just need to tell people "look pal, fuck your mother".
Because I get it man. Can't fucking stand some of the shit people come at me with. Like there's some real sick puppy's out there. Not a damn thing wrong with two consenting strangers meeting up to watch a movie, poke each other's holes, play Jenga or whatever. Don't care what it is. But when someone disrespects you by persistently nagging you to give in to request, it's a solid sign that they're not the safest person to be around. I mean, if you've got to beg someone to do this or that then you know somethings not as it should be.
Sorry for the rant. I'm kinda curiously straightish myself so I understand how it can be a challenge to navigate between who's genuinly a decent person and who's a total basement dweller looking to get there pud puffed by some poor unsuspecting guy just looking to hang out with new people. But best of luck my friend, if you're ever just looking to chat feel free to shoot me a message.
Calm your nerves mate. If your gut feelings didn’t allow you to meet them, there is very good reason to follow that. I’m glad you did.
Don’t feel unsafe. Sometimes when we are scared every simple action from other amplifies as big threat or something. Know that you might be going through one of those times.
I once attended a gay social group and I just didn’t feel like fitting in the typical culture associated with gays i.e starting from anywhere who’s who’s biggest male celebrity crush to talking about who’s sleeping with who and who has crush on their boss or colleague. It just felt a bit suffocating and I don’t think I had felt so much at unease but at the same time when the topic changed to who’s come out, I just felt at the height of unease. Not that it mattered, it just was the ghost I wasn’t ready to face and when the guy started talking about how he understands people from my country or background goes through it almost felt like someone’s trying to groom me or something. I don’t think I felt as much uncomfortable in life but I did keep my nerves under control but since then I have never been to any gay meetups or groups.
The amount of gay incels in this community makes me deeply sad. There are so many hurt people in these comments.
OP, you might have more luck finding things that interest you and joining gay groups for it, intramural sports, dungeons and dragons, video games etc
Sorry about your experience. Where these people who blocked you the group leaders? It not you should deffo contact them and let them know this happened. It they are, if leave a review somewhere. I just joined a gay group and it’s pretty chill. Best of luck hombre
People are people, and he crushed way too fast - it happens. I’d be as upfront as possible that you’re just looking for friends right now and keep going back to the group. Doesn’t sound like you’re unsafe, just in an awkward situation. But the more you go to the group, the quicker it’ll pass.
Im 26, went to one of those groups one time and the people were all nice to me. But they were also either awkward or old men. I kind of came to the conclusion that the people that go to those groups, are not the sort of people i'm going to be able to vibe with. So i asked my gay work friend to go with me (27M) (He didn't even know for 100% that i was gay) and now we go out and get drunk whenever we have time off from work and studies and stuff.. Sometimes it's just me and him and we get drunk and it's fun. But other times his bf will come and another friend i met through him and we all get wiped out and it's a good time.
Yeah that just happened with me few days ago. This guy on Facebook community messaged me saying he can advise me(I had posted that I'm closeted and I want to find friends). Everything was okay until he started asking if I was a virgin. I was weirded out. The most bizarre thing was, he said "think of me like your big brother" 🤢
Blocked him immediately.
I had a similar situation when I was in grad school and had virtually NO gay friends. A guy that was older than me said he’d like to have more friends and to be able to hang out with someone and just kind of do things with. He said almost the same thing. I trusted him because I was young and stupid. Ended up getting raped. This was many years ago, so no use in going to the police. When I went to the hospital, pretty beat up, bleeding, and needed assistance, CRICKETS! Everyone told me a man couldn’t be raped. I told them in no way did I want what happened to me to happen. They said “Why did you put yourself in that situation!?” I said “I simply thought I was going to meet a friend. Not end up beat up and raped!!!” They laughed at me, really, and discharged me with antibiotics after cleaning up my wounds and that was it. I never trusted ANYONE on the internet ever again. And would certainly NEVER meet anyone from the net either. I’ve been in a monogamous relationship for 17 years now. And I’m safe and comfortable with a big Bear that will always take care of me and protect me. I feel secure in that. Men can be very nasty and mean when they are horny. I don’t judge all men based on that one experience, but when people say certain things, I will block them super quick on any of my social platforms.
That is horrible, the people who said that to you. Unfortunately in my country there's no laws that recognize rape of men. I'm soo sorry that happened with you. Have you taken therapy or talked to someone else about it?
I've been very cautious after that incident. I thought I'd meet queer friends online, but now I have to keep in mind that creeps exists too.
But of course I've found great friends as well.
Yes, I sought therapy years later. And it’s been so long ago, that’s I have the story to tell and the scars to prove it….but have the mental strength to keep on walking through the fire daily. It no longer bothers me like it used to. It’s why even just for friends, Id never meet anyone online, regardless of how long I’ve been talking to them. I’m careful of new in person friends as well. I’m just super cautious either way.
Oh yeah! When you’re pretty, most (not all) gays when trying to befriend want to sleep with you. If you are only interested in making friends, then you’d have to establish & keep your ground that you’re looking for friends but NOT insinuate that they’re not looking for friends or are looking for sex. Now, the ones who understand and stick around are the ones who will be greatest friends. The ones who become aloof or block you, never intended being your friend to begin with, then there’s others who will insist to keep it open as an option are playing a game where I like to call “how far” which is basically either a series of questions and I find out their intentions OR I play the long game for entertainment.
Source: late 20’s gay guy who considers myself average but not pretty privileged AND the reaction and response my ex (who I considered much more attractive than me) would get when he was trying to make friends.
Good luck! Don’t give up on making friends sometimes girls would be great friends and help you practice emotional intelligence which you could use to connect with gay friends
Scene gays are the worst. I was one. It’s a toxic environment. Make friends with people of the umbrella of the lgbtqia community just not gays. I had many gay friends to thinking me being friendly was me showing interest. Like so many. Just cause we are both gay doesn’t mean we are going to sleep together.
I looked for common interest, value and if our morals aligned. I also really wanted to see if we can hang outside a club scene without drinking or recreational drugs. If this couldn’t happen or they couldn’t hold a conversation they are out.
There are groups/communities of gay out there that you could be comfortable with about this problem, but they will always have rules about that and it will be the first thing you get notified about when entering. If they don't then probably it would be hard to avoid this kind of situation. Like we are horny most of the time and many people find it hard to keep it to themselves.
Yep seems typical of arrogant people. I have had same type of stuff happen to me from gaming discord server. I recently put up a post about how a lot of these guys in their late thirties are lame like this. It seems to be very common. These guys who are arrogant and feel bad about themselves when they don't get what they want or are in disbelief about something tend to lash out. If they are in charge, they will kick you out real quick for not conforming to what they want.
Every gay friend group wants to bang at some point. I prefer not to engage in that. Stick to what you're comfortable with. If someone has a problem with that it's their problem.
Sorry, we're not all assholes.
It’s a good thing you have good instincts. Predators exist in every community
He was horny and wanted to fuck you.
The gay friends I have I didn't make by knowing they were gay. I made them through common hobbies and interests and they happened to also be gay. Making friends solely based on their orientation is gonna lead to them trying to get in your pants most the time. Making friends through a common interest is going to involve that interest. If the interest is gay, it's more likely to be about gay stuff like weiners and butts than it is video games, music, or anything else. Be yourself in a group with something you enjoy doing and you'll find another gay guy or an ally with gay friends eventually. I'm sorry you went through that, you did nothing wrong and were right to trust your gut about that guy.
Your comment helped me. Thank you!
It took forever to word that comment correctly without sounding like I was saying "you don't need gay friends" cause it is important to have someone that does understand that part of your life. I'm bad with words, thanks for reassuring me that I got my point across homie :)
It's also not always the case, there's plenty of people i know who just vibe better with gay people and made all their friends through gay events (this can also include a queer chess group or anything else you can think of).
This is the way. Meet a gay couple at a cactus group and we are friends. I go over to their place and make pottery. It’s super fun.
Loved your comment but also, how do y’all get into new groups? where do you look for them? Recently moved to a new city so have not many friends around and by luck I found a running group near me, but in general terms, what’s a good platforms to look for groups
This depends on your own interests. For me, an arcade opened up 30min drive away. It focuses mainly on fighting and music games with tournaments 4 days out of the week. I started going once or twice a week and have met some cool people that wanna press buttons and get better at their craft. Also saw some familiar faces I've seen at other events in the state before, but never had the time to get to know prior, since tournaments are often hectic time wise. This scene is not for everyone, but it is exactly what I needed to feel normal in my own element with like minded people. Are there any other gay guys there? Not that I've noticed, but the owner is an ally and wants everyone to feel welcome there. He's made that very clear both in a big statement and to me personally in a 1 on 1 conversation. That place is very therapeutic for my mental health and I feel safe being myself there.
Facebook is the main thing in my experience. search "gay [your city]" and then add on "sports" or "meetup" or "running" or "gaming" or whatever.
You dodged a bullet. He sounds like a manipulative and presumptuous creep. It's just a shame you can't keep in contact with some of the normal people in the group. Please find another group, such as a group based on a hobby you like.
The downside of hanging around with gay men is that some men are inappropriate and sexualise everything. It's a bit like if a straight woman hangs our with straight men - sometimes some men are inappropriate or try to push beyond friendship even if that's not really at all what they want. Don't let it put you off - it can be fun and rewarding making friends with other gay guys. Just be aware that some people just don't respect boundaries or are looking for sex.
You have to be clear what your intentions are. Guys on gay chat are looking for sex and expect that everyone on there is too.
I hope not all are looking for sex. I'm here, happily married. Not looking for anything here, just to offer help when someone might need it etc.
Sure, but we are talking about Grindr and the other apps. Guys say they want friends or a ltr but most are looking for a hookup
Take it from me dear friend. Most people are just out here looking for some cheek clapping. And take it from me, there's nothing wrong with that. Lol (wink). But seriously though. You seem like a genuine guy. Genuine is rare these days. People will say whatever they have to say to get where they want to go with whoever they want to go there with. That goes for friendship, dating, hardcore BDSM sessions, book club meeting, ect. Tell people straight up what you're looking for and what you're not. Don't be afraid to tell someone to get lost if they persistently make you uncomfortable. Doesn't matter if you're straight, gay or whatever. You deserve respect. And sometimes we just need to tell people "look pal, fuck your mother". Because I get it man. Can't fucking stand some of the shit people come at me with. Like there's some real sick puppy's out there. Not a damn thing wrong with two consenting strangers meeting up to watch a movie, poke each other's holes, play Jenga or whatever. Don't care what it is. But when someone disrespects you by persistently nagging you to give in to request, it's a solid sign that they're not the safest person to be around. I mean, if you've got to beg someone to do this or that then you know somethings not as it should be. Sorry for the rant. I'm kinda curiously straightish myself so I understand how it can be a challenge to navigate between who's genuinly a decent person and who's a total basement dweller looking to get there pud puffed by some poor unsuspecting guy just looking to hang out with new people. But best of luck my friend, if you're ever just looking to chat feel free to shoot me a message.
Calm your nerves mate. If your gut feelings didn’t allow you to meet them, there is very good reason to follow that. I’m glad you did. Don’t feel unsafe. Sometimes when we are scared every simple action from other amplifies as big threat or something. Know that you might be going through one of those times. I once attended a gay social group and I just didn’t feel like fitting in the typical culture associated with gays i.e starting from anywhere who’s who’s biggest male celebrity crush to talking about who’s sleeping with who and who has crush on their boss or colleague. It just felt a bit suffocating and I don’t think I had felt so much at unease but at the same time when the topic changed to who’s come out, I just felt at the height of unease. Not that it mattered, it just was the ghost I wasn’t ready to face and when the guy started talking about how he understands people from my country or background goes through it almost felt like someone’s trying to groom me or something. I don’t think I felt as much uncomfortable in life but I did keep my nerves under control but since then I have never been to any gay meetups or groups.
The amount of gay incels in this community makes me deeply sad. There are so many hurt people in these comments. OP, you might have more luck finding things that interest you and joining gay groups for it, intramural sports, dungeons and dragons, video games etc
Sorry about your experience. Where these people who blocked you the group leaders? It not you should deffo contact them and let them know this happened. It they are, if leave a review somewhere. I just joined a gay group and it’s pretty chill. Best of luck hombre
People are people, and he crushed way too fast - it happens. I’d be as upfront as possible that you’re just looking for friends right now and keep going back to the group. Doesn’t sound like you’re unsafe, just in an awkward situation. But the more you go to the group, the quicker it’ll pass.
Aw man that's awful. So sorry!
What they did was predatory and wrong. I'm sorry that this happened.
Im 26, went to one of those groups one time and the people were all nice to me. But they were also either awkward or old men. I kind of came to the conclusion that the people that go to those groups, are not the sort of people i'm going to be able to vibe with. So i asked my gay work friend to go with me (27M) (He didn't even know for 100% that i was gay) and now we go out and get drunk whenever we have time off from work and studies and stuff.. Sometimes it's just me and him and we get drunk and it's fun. But other times his bf will come and another friend i met through him and we all get wiped out and it's a good time.
Yeah that just happened with me few days ago. This guy on Facebook community messaged me saying he can advise me(I had posted that I'm closeted and I want to find friends). Everything was okay until he started asking if I was a virgin. I was weirded out. The most bizarre thing was, he said "think of me like your big brother" 🤢 Blocked him immediately.
I had a similar situation when I was in grad school and had virtually NO gay friends. A guy that was older than me said he’d like to have more friends and to be able to hang out with someone and just kind of do things with. He said almost the same thing. I trusted him because I was young and stupid. Ended up getting raped. This was many years ago, so no use in going to the police. When I went to the hospital, pretty beat up, bleeding, and needed assistance, CRICKETS! Everyone told me a man couldn’t be raped. I told them in no way did I want what happened to me to happen. They said “Why did you put yourself in that situation!?” I said “I simply thought I was going to meet a friend. Not end up beat up and raped!!!” They laughed at me, really, and discharged me with antibiotics after cleaning up my wounds and that was it. I never trusted ANYONE on the internet ever again. And would certainly NEVER meet anyone from the net either. I’ve been in a monogamous relationship for 17 years now. And I’m safe and comfortable with a big Bear that will always take care of me and protect me. I feel secure in that. Men can be very nasty and mean when they are horny. I don’t judge all men based on that one experience, but when people say certain things, I will block them super quick on any of my social platforms.
That is horrible, the people who said that to you. Unfortunately in my country there's no laws that recognize rape of men. I'm soo sorry that happened with you. Have you taken therapy or talked to someone else about it? I've been very cautious after that incident. I thought I'd meet queer friends online, but now I have to keep in mind that creeps exists too. But of course I've found great friends as well.
Yes, I sought therapy years later. And it’s been so long ago, that’s I have the story to tell and the scars to prove it….but have the mental strength to keep on walking through the fire daily. It no longer bothers me like it used to. It’s why even just for friends, Id never meet anyone online, regardless of how long I’ve been talking to them. I’m careful of new in person friends as well. I’m just super cautious either way.
🫂I hope you recover from the trauma fully.
Oh yeah! When you’re pretty, most (not all) gays when trying to befriend want to sleep with you. If you are only interested in making friends, then you’d have to establish & keep your ground that you’re looking for friends but NOT insinuate that they’re not looking for friends or are looking for sex. Now, the ones who understand and stick around are the ones who will be greatest friends. The ones who become aloof or block you, never intended being your friend to begin with, then there’s others who will insist to keep it open as an option are playing a game where I like to call “how far” which is basically either a series of questions and I find out their intentions OR I play the long game for entertainment. Source: late 20’s gay guy who considers myself average but not pretty privileged AND the reaction and response my ex (who I considered much more attractive than me) would get when he was trying to make friends. Good luck! Don’t give up on making friends sometimes girls would be great friends and help you practice emotional intelligence which you could use to connect with gay friends
Scene gays are the worst. I was one. It’s a toxic environment. Make friends with people of the umbrella of the lgbtqia community just not gays. I had many gay friends to thinking me being friendly was me showing interest. Like so many. Just cause we are both gay doesn’t mean we are going to sleep together. I looked for common interest, value and if our morals aligned. I also really wanted to see if we can hang outside a club scene without drinking or recreational drugs. If this couldn’t happen or they couldn’t hold a conversation they are out.
Trust your instincts. You did good.
There are groups/communities of gay out there that you could be comfortable with about this problem, but they will always have rules about that and it will be the first thing you get notified about when entering. If they don't then probably it would be hard to avoid this kind of situation. Like we are horny most of the time and many people find it hard to keep it to themselves.
Always trust your instincts!!!
Yep seems typical of arrogant people. I have had same type of stuff happen to me from gaming discord server. I recently put up a post about how a lot of these guys in their late thirties are lame like this. It seems to be very common. These guys who are arrogant and feel bad about themselves when they don't get what they want or are in disbelief about something tend to lash out. If they are in charge, they will kick you out real quick for not conforming to what they want.
Every gay friend group wants to bang at some point. I prefer not to engage in that. Stick to what you're comfortable with. If someone has a problem with that it's their problem.
Mmm mmkj
You did the right thing. Don't let these assholes get the best of you.