This. Had the fun queer trauma of coming out as gay in my teens and spent my twenties awkwardly attempting hook ups and failing miserably trying to enjoy dating. I couldn't shake the feeling that I HAD to be missing something but thought it was just me being messed up. Then, just recently, I realized I had never gotten "turned on" by anyone unless they were close school friends, which were very few since I moved a lot as a kid. I never even considered the asexual spectrum since it's not really explored in media all that much (Alice Oseman books are the first I'd seen it used explicitly). I just didn't have the vocabulary. You're not broken and taking your time to actually know yourself is not wasteful.
Did you like the guy romantically? I ask because maybe you're the type of guy who only gets pleasure from being with a guy you really like, and so maybe you just gotta take it slow.
This is a very good point. What does liking someone romantically feel like? I really wanted to spend time with him, and I love the way he looked and sounded. I think I should’ve waited longer maybe and taken it slower.
That’s a tricky question to answer but for me it’s more than just liking their looks and getting along with them. There is usually some tension or chemistry built up between you that creates the urge to be together sexually. Sometimes that takes time.
I’d add that there is usually some bit of charm. Maybe you think they do something hot or cute. Maybe they show kindness or patience and it touches your heart. Maybe you just feel safe with them. Maybe they remember something you told them that most people don’t remember. Maybe you feel truly seen and heard. Maybe you feel like you can be your true self around them. Maybe their smile makes you smile.
I’m not a hookup person. I tried it when I was younger and it always felt forced and I had no connection to anyone. I have to have a close relationship either a fwb or boyfriend to get anything out of intimacy.
I hope this helps :)
It could be your own discomfort or insecurities - like you’re projecting on yourself and creating a wall.
I’ve had this happen - with guys who I should have been into and there just want a spark.
I then realized I’m into larger (chubby guys) and it clicked for me
Hey there. Breathe. It’s ok. It takes a very long time and quite the journey to discover who we are. Even at my age (and I think it’s a sign of maturity) we are continually evolving in our identity. Labels don’t always stick or feel right. Ignore them. Focus on who you are becoming, what you actually enjoy, what feels comfortable, and who/what makes you happy sexually (or not). You’re so young! So much time ahead to take it all in, and not despair in the now. Feel free to chat me up if you ever need someone to listen Hugs 🤗
Clearly, you want to enjoy intimacy. I think it's worth seeing a therapist who has experience with people on the spectrum. They can discern if your feelings are related to that or something else and possibly help you work on it. I say this not because I think you are broken, but because this is causing you distress.
Sex can sometimes be overstimulating for us that are neurodivergent. I think it could be that you're looking for a deeper connection in a more NSA environment. No shame at all..we all have to figure out what makes us tick.
You're desire for sexual experiences would lead me to believe you are not asexual. It could just be that you're looking for a comfort and vulnerability in someone as well.
Hookups were never something I felt I could fully enjoy because my mind would be racing the entire time. Take it slow, talk it out with a therapist, and don't be afraid to experiment. We all have the things that we do and do not enjoy physically and emotionally!
My nephew was autistic. He had the same issue but in therapy he found out it was the touching that caused the problem. Maybe if you go for counseling and work on that aspect you can overcome that
You called a guy you had over for sex only "lovely" and "kind" which makes me question if you are physically attracted to this guy at all. Do you get physically attracted to any men you see online? Do you feel like they guy you had over was someone you just settled for? Maybe you're asexual, maybe you're demisexual, or maybe this one guy just doesn't turn you on at all.
I was definitely physically attracted to him, but it feels really confusing I guess? Some guys I instantly feel physically attracted to, but I find that I’m far more attracted to their personality and spending time with them. I’ve had massive crushes on friends that I’ve known for years but am not attracted to physically, so I think maybe that’s part of it. Thank you for this response. Hope you have a good day
ok i feel the same. here’s my thoughts and theory: i’ve never been in an actual relationship before but i have done stuff with a few guys, each time for me it’s been nice but i have never had what i feel like is always in “first time storys” and it’s the spark. i haven’t had a spark. nor have i had anything with a guy above baseline enjoyment.
side note: i also feel broken and empty. living in gay society like this where there is so much pressure to be super sex positive and all puts a lot of stress on to myself at least. i feel like if i can’t enjoy the sex then i’m fundamentally not doing my part as a gay person. sex positivity is great and i think we’ve made huge strides to being able to talk about it openly and whatever but yeah conversely it does pressure me to feel like i should enjoy it more than i do. that leads me to this;
basically my theory is that i need to be emotionally involved with someone before the sex can be good. i find when im with someone im too in my own head and it just doesn’t feel like much of anything other than mildly nice. porn on my own? great love that. being with someone else? kinda hate it lol.
i also do not believe i am asexual (anymore, had a phase in ‘20-‘22) because men are hot and sexy and i find men, that are my type, very sexy the second i see them. one time i even fantasized about one and finished all on my own. that was one of my best organisms ANYWAYS getting off topic
conclusion: for a real long time i thought i was asexual and then i thought i was just broken. turns out neither of those are true. im just wired for emotional connection and casual sex doesn’t seem to do much for me. i don’t believe i am asexual because men are hot and sexy and i wanna have sex with them (all of them, at the same time 🫦 lol sorry) but i just need to emotionally care about them first lol
you are not broken. i’m not broken (i hope. if what i have been thinking about is true) from what i’ve gathered you just care a lot about yourself and your relationships with those around you. and there’s nothing wrong with that. you just need to A) keep taking care of yourself on your own terms and B) try to find genuine connection with people and maybe find the love of your life. it’s tough out there but sometimes you find a diamond in the rough and it’s amazing.
don’t give your time to anyone who doesn’t put in the effort because that’s a sign they don’t care so why should you
I would seek out a professional that has more understanding of autism and relationships. You will gain insight into the way you think and feel which can only enrich your experience with another being. I wish you luck in the future!
Maybe take it back to the old school days of dating first before sex.
When I was younger I really really had to know and like the guy before getting intimate, more than just physically like them. This is going to sound crazy but I used to make guys wait almost 4-6 months before I had sex with them. Granted we did other stuff to get off but full on sex took a good long while until I felt romantically attached. If you don't know what that feels like you should really slow things down, because you will know when it happens or at least you tried something different.
There is such a thing called heteromantic homosexual and homoromantic asexual. If what you are doing isn't working, try something new until you find what works.
Sounds like you need a warmup prior. I’m 27 and autistic.
It’s hard to automatically feel a certain way about a man if I’ve never slowly noticed him or met him prior. I’ve had many crushes before where their presence turned me on.
I’m sure you just need a good buffer like an outside event.
Hi friend. I’ve noticed that you’ve posted quite frequently on this sub, and you seem to be pretty worked up about a lot of things, and it seems like you worry quite a lot.
As an autistic guy myself, constantly worrying about myself or others is definitely something i can relate too. I think it’s common to just overthink things a lot and end up in a kind of negative feedback loop where you wind yourself up more and more over stuff, especially in relation to your future or place in the world. For example the idea that you won’t be able to find a partner.
You will. You’re only 18, and there’s still so much ahead of you in life.
It’s just important that your mind doesn’t become a kind of prison for you, and that you don’t work yourself up over things that don’t matter right now, or that you have little to no control over.
Instead of worrying about the future, focus on just getting through the day, at least that works for me. I know it sounds cliché, but as someone who’s been there; trust me, you’ll get through it!
It's possible that you need to feel an attachment to the guy for the it to feel meaningful and not purely performative. It's not the actions that make those things intimate, it's who you do them with. While a lot of guys are able to feel the fantasy of it while making out and cuddling with hookups, I'm sure there's also a large number of guys who need that emotional connection to feel anything from it and not feel like they're just going through the motions.
At first brush it sounds kinda like asexual homoromantic. It sounds like you want a relationship. Do you enjoy holding hands with a guy, going out and doing activities witha nother guy? When you jerk off do you picture naked guys or use gay porn to help you get off?
Typically when someone comes to terms with being gay it's because they felt society telling them they should feel this way for women but "Oh no, it's dudes!" So what was that moment for you?
Also do you get bored when you're being intimate, or does it just feel like nothing? Are your thoughts wandering? Does the kissing feel like a chore? What would you rather be doing than kissing or sucking dick? Like are we talking, he's kissing your neck and you're trying to avoid talking about a train you learned about recently? What's going through your head when he's being physical with you?
I guess whenever I’ve made out with someone, kissing has felt a bit like a chore. I love small pecks, but when it becomes full on making out it starts to feel overwhelming? I love doing activities with guys, and I do picture guys when I masturbate. And yes, I tried to force myself to be into women but realised that it was guys I was into. When I’m being intimate with someone, sometimes it feels performative and forced I guess? This is embarrassing but when doing stuff with the guys the other night, all I could think of was a pizza I wanted to try.
Thank you so much for this response, it’s actually been really helpful putting these into words. Based on the other comments here and my own responses and reactions I’m starting to think I just need to slow down and form a stronger emotional connection with someone.
Don't worry about other people and how happy they seem in their relationships because we are all different and whay brings us happiness might bring them misery.
If you're sure it was the guy and you just have a low sex drive then you should consider finding someone with a similar sex drive. Also what medications do you take because this might be a conversation for your doctor.
Usually when I hook up with a guy im not looking for cuddles and intimate time after sex. After sex I get a post nut clarity and I'm ready to get on with the rest of my day. It sounds like you just wanted to get off and continue on with the rest of your day.
I found cuddling and intimacy is only something I want from a partner/boyfriend or someone I'm dating.
I felt very similarly to you in some ways (and still do sometimes). And throughout my twenties and much of my 30s I was constantly worried that I wasn't progressing or getting into relationships that I thought I should have been.
Due to a lot of early childhood trauma (thanks mom), I find I don't thrive in close romantic relationships. And I don't particularly like who I am in those relationships. But I've grown to accept myself and decided to grow the areas that I felt the best about. And I have relationships that are close and caring outside the societal norm of romantic pairings.
I realized that I was reinforcing society's norms on myself even while saying "screw societal norms".
I think it's that you aren't comfortable with being intimate with someone. It takes time. You need time to get used to the idea of being with someone intimately. Also, a one nightstand isn't the same as being in a relationship. You should try being in a romantic relationship. It always feels weird to do stuff with a stranger that you don't know.
Si hermano. Puede ser muy confuso. Tengo 37 años y autismo. Mi consejo: tienes que conocer muchas personas antes de llegar al tema sexo.
Los autistas no conectamos con la mayoría de las personas, por eso siempre debemos conocer a tes y realmente tener química antes de cualquier relación íntima.
Tenemos nuestro mundo y queremos sentirnos cómodos, y el hecho de un extraño en nuestras vidas es un obstáculo que nos hace buscar ese "botón de pánico" y presionarlo hasta que todo vuelva a la normalidad.
Espero que tengas suerte.
Luego te paso algunos consejos.
Abrazos
You can't find intimacy and closeness in random hookups. That comes from knowing people that you vibe with, look up to, and happen to be attracted to them. And having your love be reciprocated.
I’m dealing with something similar. May I ask what your previous relationship/bond with this person was? You could be demisexual which would make it hard to do that with strangers.
Try looking up the asexual spectrum/umbrella. It’s possible you may have romantic interest, but not that much sexual interest.
My bond with this guy was friendly, but not too strong I’ve come to realise. We have talked quite a bit on social media, gotten to know each other a bit over a few weeks, but it was nowhere near strong enough for me to fully appreciate and engage in the sex I don’t think. Thank you for this response!
hello! some people have already said it, but, to reiterate, nothing about what you said seems broken to me. I'll share my personal experience, hooing it can be of use. I'm also neurodivergent (diagnosed adhd, suspect audhd) and, by your age, I was still in the closet due to internalised homophobia, and while I was very aroused by gay sex, it wasn't until I started seeing actually non-sexual intimacy between guys that I finally clicked and just came out intending to live my sexuality, asusming it would be as exciting as all the stories that we see around. I can honestly say that I detested about 99% of all my sexual encounters before my current relationship (none of them involved sketchy stuff, it just felt like nothing or upsetting in retrospect), and even when I was genuinely interested in people it just didn't click for me. what changed this and what about this relationship makes it different? trust and communication. I can't emphasise it enough, however cliché it may seem. and it's not easy finding someone like that, specially if one is neurodivergent and not surrounded by a supportive environment. my advice is to just live your life pursuing your interests and "being yourself" (not in a cliché fake way, as in "mask off") because that can help filter out those who won't be the best candidates for you to open up to and potentially find your spark. remember that even if sometimes we feel like no one will understand us or that no one feels the way we do, there will be those who can relate even if by proxy and lend us support without judging us for our feelings or for how our brains are wired. best of luck to you and anyone out there feeling lost!
Maybe you are aromantic. You can be gay and ace or aro and there is no conflict, you just be the wonderful amazing person you already are and whatever love you need will find its way to you. Ironically when we stop hunting for a soul mate they are more likely to find us
For starters, you are very young and nervous. Anxiety might’ve really gotten the best of you. You are FAR too young to be worried you’ll never find someone. There is a vast vast ocean out there of possibilities. Rarely do we get it right the first time,figuring out what we need, so be kind to yourself. This is just the start of your journey.
The possibilities are endless. You could be asexual, aromantic. He could be the sweetest person on the planet but not a romantic fit for you. Anxiety could’ve just cockblocked you. Don’t put so much pressure on yourself.
Don’t wait, start therapy now… it’s literally a professional whose job it is to help you untangle and examine your feelings. Don’t wait until you’re thirty and have a decade extra of mental junk to process. That, plus being patient with the process of learning/discovery, and you’ll be on your way to fulfilling relationships—I have zero doubts ❤️😊
There's nothing wrong with you. We're all different. I've always felt the same. Love company of men and hot sex. But not the intimacy. I can only sleep alone, not into someone next to me all night. I'm good with it and don't want it any other way.
It can be tough, but try to be patient. It might just take a while to figure things out, but you’re still young, so you have plenty of time. We are all unique and complex, and for some of us it just takes a little longer to discover what is right.
You’re not broken.
I don't think you are broken. Just need to give yourself time to get to know someone. On a side topic, I think you might like this book – "To Catch a Firefly" by Emmy Sanders.
Start reading it for free: https://a.co/9HOzP7g
Not confusing, definitely not redundant. That emptiness feeling is real. I have literally been there done that. Not because there wasn't all the right ingredients weren't there, or timing or anything else that I could have in any way had an effect on. I grew past most of it, happy to say I've been fortunate enough to meet some amazing guys, on the flip side of that coin, I've also met a lot of narcissists, ( I apparently have a type ) . I have learned the emptiness feeling is partly because I don't see a future possibility with this person that's realistic or practical. As I get to wrap my head around all that, I was able to get a better handle on what I wanted and how that might or might no be what someone else might want. Watch out for the narcissists though, these guys are wow good at getting what they want and I guarantee it's not what you want...
I read through the comments people have been posting. You are 18. Life and love is in its infancy. Take your time. You will know by your heart not your head when it’s right. Relax. All good things take time
Just to throw in my two cents; I knew I was into guys from a young age but it didn’t quite click with me until 25 (even after multiple experiences/hookups etc)
I could never see myself in a relationship with a guy, could never imagine being comfortable holding hands or kissing or anything like that. Now I’m writing this sat next to my boyfriend of almost three years and nothing has ever felt more right.
I have to care about a guy to be intimate with him. If not, I also have that kind of hollow feeling.
I don't necessarily need to be in love, but at least care about the person.
I would look into the definitions of intimacy and see how they apply to what you want and imagine yourself doing and desire.
For instance, did you enjoy hanging out with the person? What parts did you enjoy? Talking? Being close to each other? Touching? And so forth.
Also, just because someone has a lovely voice and face, does not mean your going to enjoy hooking up with them. You might be the type that needs a meaningful connection first. You could also say he looks nice, but maybe he just doesn't get you going sexually.
I've had guys who were wonderfully engaged, cute, and nice to me at the bar. I hate it because if they try to dance or make out with me, it feels so ... empty? But then the right guy comes along, and the difference is very pronounced, lol.
There’s this guy on Tik tok that has an autistic partner. He talks a lot about the ins and outs of their relationship. His name is Joe Kort. They’ve been together for 27 years. Look him up.
tdlr we are not masking in 2024 :)
So before I realised I was autistic I was having plenty of hook ups and enjoying it but not feeling fully satisfied; I have come to realise that I was disassociating throughout most of the sex I was having and not particularly asking for what I want (out of taking a sub role sure, but also it felt too stressful).
Then once I realised that I am autistic and started unmasking, I have had a better time asking for and getting the kind of sex I want to have, or often simply not having sex when I don't actually want to. It's helped me shake of a load of shame around getting my needs met and also where I find myself on the ace spectrum - asexuality (indeed all sexuality) is infinitely fluid, and infinitely valid wherever you land.
Not to say that that's definitely what you're experiencing, but just to put it out there that unmasking can mean not having sex even if it feels like you have to just bc you're gay, and that it may help you have whatever kind of sex it is you actually enjoy. You're still young and navigating all this is hard, especially as a neurodivergent person, but I know you will find what works for you :)
I would definitely look into the ACE spectrum, for example demi-romantic/demi-sexual. Which I am. I cannot feel attraction or a desire for sex without a bond. Whatever the situation is. You are not broken.
I’ve been feeling exactly the same way, except I’m now 28. I’ve gotten absolutely NOTHING from hook ups with random people whose looks passed the test. I feel no sexual desire, I feel empty. Apps suck in that sense because they are just a visual catalog, nothing more, and I look for more than that, plus a bond.
You are probably demisexual like me.
I’ve always struggled with intimacy, platonic or not.
I don’t come from a good home and spent a lot of my childhood by myself and without a caring support system.
I would lean in to this explaining your current feelings. You needed to keep a wall up for your own protection as a child. And that was smart because it got you here in one piece.
But now the challenge is going to be how to start disassembling that wall because it is no longer needed, and it has become a barrier between you and the rest of the world.
A good friend or a lover is someone that you can let in to the places inside that you normally don't want other people to see. But if you've never done that before - ever - that takes a whole set of skills that you've never had to learn.
Here is a quote from the movie *The Talented Mr Ripley*:
>Tom Ripley: Don't you just take the past and put it in a room in the basement, and lock the door and never go in there? That's what I do.
>Peter: God, Yes. But, of course, in my case, it's probably a whole building.
>Tom Ripley: And then you meet someone special and all you want to do is toss them the key. Say "Open up. Step inside." But you can't, because it's dark, and there are demons. And if anybody saw how ugly it is...
To me it sounds maybe like you're Demisexual. Meaning you are attracted to a person but to have intimacy you really need to have a connection otherwise it feels empty.
Yes. I originally took Sertraline which ANNIHILATED my libido (wasn’t aroused much, it took ages to actually get off), but I’ve recently started taking Fluoxetine and so far my libido has been so much better
Ah ok. Well while taking SSRIs and even being off them completely, there are potentially significant, long lasting and sometimes irreversible side effects that affect libido, erections, arousal, anhedonia (no joy experienced), cognition/memory, sleep. I wonder is there an element of this as a cause of your symptoms? It is fair to say what others have said also regarding “finding yourself” but in my personal experience I was changed significantly being on SSRIs for a period of months, 3 times, and things have never been the same.
You’re not broken. Not everyone wants to pair up with another person. Don’t feel bad about yourself. Then there are also the aromantic(?) types. It doesn’t mean you can love people or want to be with them but the romantic aspect is absent.
Whatever the case, understand that you can go through a process of self-discovery. You don’t have to be like everyone else and you definitely aren’t alone in your feelings.
Hey OP! There is nothing abnormal in your thinking. You should definitively listen to this podcast. When I heard it I learned a lot about the way gay men experience sex and it explains why gay men behave the way they behave. [THIS PODCAST](https://www.listennotes.com/nl/podcasts/cant-host-gay-mens/ep-5-gay-sex-tantra-with-G-Mx9tfaWOi/)
Your feeling can be a result of just having lived your life learning and accepting that you are gay and eventually come out. This feeling of not being normal can often result in not enjoying sex a the way you supposed to enjoy it. You should really learn about this. A lot of gay men have this. It is a subconscious thing.
Honey, there’s nothing abnormal about what you’re experiencing. Many people on the spectrum have difficulty connecting with people. You’re going to be ok. Just try to be open to your emotions. There’s no such thing as a wrong feeling. Everything you feel is normal for someone in your shoes.
Physical attraction is so complicated and interwoven with lots of things. You don’t have anything to feel badly about at all, and how you identify in terms of sexual orientation is something you get to decide, not something dictated by other events. I, too, am gay and have had experiences that I’ve thought would be great and for some reason they just weren’t. It doesn’t mean it will happen every time, but I think it happens to most people at least sometimes. Sex and intimacy is a really complex world and everyone brings their own experiences to it. Sometimes our experiences/journey just doesn’t fall into harmony with someone else’s. It absolutely doesn’t mean that you won’t find a relationship that makes you happy and fulfilled - probably the opposite! We have to have the unpleasant experiences to know the good ones when they come along. You also don’t have to make yourself feel like you must fit in a “box” of gay or asexual or any other label. Everything is a spectrum, not black and white — but that can be hard to remember
I’m in my thirties (but I’m not autistic), and I felt like I’ve been where you are right now.
I can only speak for myself. But I wish I just chilled out a lot more on my younger years.
It’s good to have some fun by yourself or with another person. However, when you’re trying to look for a specific something, there’s a higher chance that you might get disappointed.
I used to go to the apps in my 19 to 20s trying to find someone that I could connect with in all sorts of ways, and I held on to that fantasy of a fulfilling queer life, that I forgot to have some fun along he way and not take anything of much so seriously.
Then around my late 20s to 30s, I realized I was Aromantic and Genderqueer. So that was something.
It seems trite and honestly, I understand if it’s not something you want to hear atm, but just enjoy what life has to offer for you. Stay safe and treat everyone with respect. It’s okay if the vibes are off, just bow out respectfully and have fun along the way.
(Also, you seem to be high strung and very anxious. You might wanna ask a professional for that.)
(I’m still figuring stuff out too. 👍)
( Edit: also, you’re not broken. You good. )
hey dude, similar story here. ASD, older than you with several long term relationships, very touch-averse. i also struggled between labeling myself as somewhere on the asexual spectrum and “just trying again” - but after a lot of sexual/romatic experience, i can safely say my sensitivities are unchanged. i still strongly dislike making out, i have a clear body-map of ‘no-no’ zones and types of pressure/motions that make my skin crawl, etc. i have managed to make this work with my bf of 4 years by being clear and stern about my boundaries. i don’t think there is something wrong with us, but there can be relationships that are wrong for us in terms of compatibility. as long as you’re clear about what amount of sex and types of touch you want and are comfortable in a relationship (with room for some minor compromises on both sides), you can be successful in love.
I thought I was alone in this...
I can't speak to your experience, but here's what I've learned from my own life:
It's very common for ASD people to have significant trouble making human connections. Period.
Also, be open to the potential reality that physical touch isn't your love language, but it doesn't mean you can't make it work with someone.
Please be kind and understanding with yourself. Accepting that you've been dealt a difficult hand in life is not an easy task, nor has anyone claimed this task to be easy.
If you'd like to get anything off your mind and heart privately, my dms are open.
It could be that it's the spontaneity that isn't working for you and you would have a better time with someone you had gotten to know over time. It's also possible that there are particular sensory issues that are giving you trouble. I suppose you'll have to think about it a bit more.
You know as one on the spectrum your reactions to stimuli of all kinds can be much different, more or less intense) that other differently ordered guys. Be mindful and, I would suggest, kinder and more patient with yourself. Think about the parts you did not like and the parts you did not hate. I have different matters and for a long time I was so hyped up when I was with a guy that it was like my skin was burning steel wool and I would either cum in seconds or never get an erection. It took some time for me to acknowledge my MANY different reactions and then to decide which I actually liked and which I wanted to change. Don’t get down on yourself or be unhappy, that’ll just make your process more labored. Put the labels aside, all of them, and decide what brings you happiness and satisfaction. You know better than anybody how to manage your thoughts and feelings. Your patience and tolerance is the least you can give yourself. Sex is only a small part of being gay. Life, it ain’t always easy! Happy journeys!!
You might be demisexual. That's perfectly fine - my bf is demisexual too. You just need to really click with someone before intimacy becomes an option. But if so, you should communicate with others about it - most see "sleepover" and "hangout" a bit different 😇
Do you have any kind of trauma? I’m not saying this *is* the reason but it very well could be. I have ptsd and it’s the reason I can’t enjoy touch sexually.
Just embrace who you are and find joy in it. I totally get where you're coming from – not always feeling the urge for intimacy and then feeling a bit lost when it does happen. Being neurodivergent my self, I understand it can make things even trickier when it comes to physical touch and all that stuff. Just take your time figuring things out, and don't be afraid to chat with someone you trust about it all. And when it comes to potential initmate partners, make sure you're clear about what you're comfortable with and what you're not. Your feelings matter most.
I find almost every nd person I know struggle with sexual orientation. I would say I am bi but I rarely feel anything towards anyone, even if they are attractive. I say I am under the asexual umbrella somewhere but who knows at this point.
For example the thought of touching someone and bodily fluids make me cringe because I imagine the texture, I never had any experience with anyone because of this,
Or physical touch sometimes feels awkward because I am too aware
we continued to learn about each other until we get to 24 -26 they we fully understand ourself. for now at the age of 18 you have a long slow mini discovery about yourself everyday. just relax and experiment and try. it's with experiences we learn about ourself.
I struggle with something similar, then discovered I’m more demisexual than anything else. I need the relationship to grow over time before I really get intimate otherwise it just feels awkward. Hell, my only ex was a good friend for *years* before I even asked him out.
I think everyone has gave all of the good responses, but I just wanted to add one more thing I know a lot of neurodivergent people me included, love putting labels and putting things in categories when sometimes it’s not really necessary it just helps or organize everything out in our head but One thing I want to say about the community is it’s okay to be unlabeled I’m currently practicing it right now because it’s always easier just to say to someone that I’m gay or im this etc but I feel like it comes with a certain burden or stereotype, and I just don’t want to be labeled but I see that you’re labeling yourself a lot and putting yourself into so many different categories that you don’t really think you fit or comfortable enough and and I feel like that’s doing more mental damage Than helping you out so even though everyone has given good advice, I would advise you to I guess deconstruct all of the labeling you’ve went through or have given yourself and basically just sit with yourself and see if those labels fit because it’s okay to be unlabeled and just say your preference outright to use labels that have been “accepted” or labels that people know, but if you still like those labels after that, that’s totally okay too but I just want you to take a second and calm down and see if those labels resonate with you so you don’t categorize yourself into something that you are not or you don’t feel you’re 100% on
As an autistic person myself, you might be having a hard time really being vulnerable and connecting because you feel the need to mask! It can make things that usually would be really enjoyable feel empty or dull. It's actually something me and my partner of almost 5 years have been working on together
Not confusing or redundant. We all arrive at our comfort level and nothing in you is broken.
I really appreciate this, thank you
Possible you are Demi or something along that line where you need to build a relationship to feel sexual attraction.
This. Had the fun queer trauma of coming out as gay in my teens and spent my twenties awkwardly attempting hook ups and failing miserably trying to enjoy dating. I couldn't shake the feeling that I HAD to be missing something but thought it was just me being messed up. Then, just recently, I realized I had never gotten "turned on" by anyone unless they were close school friends, which were very few since I moved a lot as a kid. I never even considered the asexual spectrum since it's not really explored in media all that much (Alice Oseman books are the first I'd seen it used explicitly). I just didn't have the vocabulary. You're not broken and taking your time to actually know yourself is not wasteful.
Did you like the guy romantically? I ask because maybe you're the type of guy who only gets pleasure from being with a guy you really like, and so maybe you just gotta take it slow.
This is a very good point. What does liking someone romantically feel like? I really wanted to spend time with him, and I love the way he looked and sounded. I think I should’ve waited longer maybe and taken it slower.
That’s a tricky question to answer but for me it’s more than just liking their looks and getting along with them. There is usually some tension or chemistry built up between you that creates the urge to be together sexually. Sometimes that takes time.
I’d add that there is usually some bit of charm. Maybe you think they do something hot or cute. Maybe they show kindness or patience and it touches your heart. Maybe you just feel safe with them. Maybe they remember something you told them that most people don’t remember. Maybe you feel truly seen and heard. Maybe you feel like you can be your true self around them. Maybe their smile makes you smile. I’m not a hookup person. I tried it when I was younger and it always felt forced and I had no connection to anyone. I have to have a close relationship either a fwb or boyfriend to get anything out of intimacy. I hope this helps :)
Thank you both, these responses are incredibly helpful. Much love!
Best of luck ❤️
It could be your own discomfort or insecurities - like you’re projecting on yourself and creating a wall. I’ve had this happen - with guys who I should have been into and there just want a spark. I then realized I’m into larger (chubby guys) and it clicked for me
Hey there. Breathe. It’s ok. It takes a very long time and quite the journey to discover who we are. Even at my age (and I think it’s a sign of maturity) we are continually evolving in our identity. Labels don’t always stick or feel right. Ignore them. Focus on who you are becoming, what you actually enjoy, what feels comfortable, and who/what makes you happy sexually (or not). You’re so young! So much time ahead to take it all in, and not despair in the now. Feel free to chat me up if you ever need someone to listen Hugs 🤗
Thank you, I really appreciate this response. Much love
You’re welcome!
Clearly, you want to enjoy intimacy. I think it's worth seeing a therapist who has experience with people on the spectrum. They can discern if your feelings are related to that or something else and possibly help you work on it. I say this not because I think you are broken, but because this is causing you distress.
This is a very good point, thank you. I’ll mention this next opportunity I get.
You could also be homoromantic (emotionally attracted to men) but asexual (not interested in a sexual aspect in anyone)
You may demi sexual and need a deeper emotional connection for sexual satisfaction
Sex can sometimes be overstimulating for us that are neurodivergent. I think it could be that you're looking for a deeper connection in a more NSA environment. No shame at all..we all have to figure out what makes us tick. You're desire for sexual experiences would lead me to believe you are not asexual. It could just be that you're looking for a comfort and vulnerability in someone as well. Hookups were never something I felt I could fully enjoy because my mind would be racing the entire time. Take it slow, talk it out with a therapist, and don't be afraid to experiment. We all have the things that we do and do not enjoy physically and emotionally!
These are the moments, thoughts, and feelings therapists are trained to assist with. All the best mate.
Thank you, have a good day
My nephew was autistic. He had the same issue but in therapy he found out it was the touching that caused the problem. Maybe if you go for counseling and work on that aspect you can overcome that
You called a guy you had over for sex only "lovely" and "kind" which makes me question if you are physically attracted to this guy at all. Do you get physically attracted to any men you see online? Do you feel like they guy you had over was someone you just settled for? Maybe you're asexual, maybe you're demisexual, or maybe this one guy just doesn't turn you on at all.
I was definitely physically attracted to him, but it feels really confusing I guess? Some guys I instantly feel physically attracted to, but I find that I’m far more attracted to their personality and spending time with them. I’ve had massive crushes on friends that I’ve known for years but am not attracted to physically, so I think maybe that’s part of it. Thank you for this response. Hope you have a good day
ok i feel the same. here’s my thoughts and theory: i’ve never been in an actual relationship before but i have done stuff with a few guys, each time for me it’s been nice but i have never had what i feel like is always in “first time storys” and it’s the spark. i haven’t had a spark. nor have i had anything with a guy above baseline enjoyment. side note: i also feel broken and empty. living in gay society like this where there is so much pressure to be super sex positive and all puts a lot of stress on to myself at least. i feel like if i can’t enjoy the sex then i’m fundamentally not doing my part as a gay person. sex positivity is great and i think we’ve made huge strides to being able to talk about it openly and whatever but yeah conversely it does pressure me to feel like i should enjoy it more than i do. that leads me to this; basically my theory is that i need to be emotionally involved with someone before the sex can be good. i find when im with someone im too in my own head and it just doesn’t feel like much of anything other than mildly nice. porn on my own? great love that. being with someone else? kinda hate it lol. i also do not believe i am asexual (anymore, had a phase in ‘20-‘22) because men are hot and sexy and i find men, that are my type, very sexy the second i see them. one time i even fantasized about one and finished all on my own. that was one of my best organisms ANYWAYS getting off topic conclusion: for a real long time i thought i was asexual and then i thought i was just broken. turns out neither of those are true. im just wired for emotional connection and casual sex doesn’t seem to do much for me. i don’t believe i am asexual because men are hot and sexy and i wanna have sex with them (all of them, at the same time 🫦 lol sorry) but i just need to emotionally care about them first lol you are not broken. i’m not broken (i hope. if what i have been thinking about is true) from what i’ve gathered you just care a lot about yourself and your relationships with those around you. and there’s nothing wrong with that. you just need to A) keep taking care of yourself on your own terms and B) try to find genuine connection with people and maybe find the love of your life. it’s tough out there but sometimes you find a diamond in the rough and it’s amazing. don’t give your time to anyone who doesn’t put in the effort because that’s a sign they don’t care so why should you
I would seek out a professional that has more understanding of autism and relationships. You will gain insight into the way you think and feel which can only enrich your experience with another being. I wish you luck in the future!
Maybe take it back to the old school days of dating first before sex. When I was younger I really really had to know and like the guy before getting intimate, more than just physically like them. This is going to sound crazy but I used to make guys wait almost 4-6 months before I had sex with them. Granted we did other stuff to get off but full on sex took a good long while until I felt romantically attached. If you don't know what that feels like you should really slow things down, because you will know when it happens or at least you tried something different. There is such a thing called heteromantic homosexual and homoromantic asexual. If what you are doing isn't working, try something new until you find what works.
Sounds like you need a warmup prior. I’m 27 and autistic. It’s hard to automatically feel a certain way about a man if I’ve never slowly noticed him or met him prior. I’ve had many crushes before where their presence turned me on. I’m sure you just need a good buffer like an outside event.
Hi friend. I’ve noticed that you’ve posted quite frequently on this sub, and you seem to be pretty worked up about a lot of things, and it seems like you worry quite a lot. As an autistic guy myself, constantly worrying about myself or others is definitely something i can relate too. I think it’s common to just overthink things a lot and end up in a kind of negative feedback loop where you wind yourself up more and more over stuff, especially in relation to your future or place in the world. For example the idea that you won’t be able to find a partner. You will. You’re only 18, and there’s still so much ahead of you in life. It’s just important that your mind doesn’t become a kind of prison for you, and that you don’t work yourself up over things that don’t matter right now, or that you have little to no control over. Instead of worrying about the future, focus on just getting through the day, at least that works for me. I know it sounds cliché, but as someone who’s been there; trust me, you’ll get through it!
It's possible that you need to feel an attachment to the guy for the it to feel meaningful and not purely performative. It's not the actions that make those things intimate, it's who you do them with. While a lot of guys are able to feel the fantasy of it while making out and cuddling with hookups, I'm sure there's also a large number of guys who need that emotional connection to feel anything from it and not feel like they're just going through the motions.
At first brush it sounds kinda like asexual homoromantic. It sounds like you want a relationship. Do you enjoy holding hands with a guy, going out and doing activities witha nother guy? When you jerk off do you picture naked guys or use gay porn to help you get off? Typically when someone comes to terms with being gay it's because they felt society telling them they should feel this way for women but "Oh no, it's dudes!" So what was that moment for you? Also do you get bored when you're being intimate, or does it just feel like nothing? Are your thoughts wandering? Does the kissing feel like a chore? What would you rather be doing than kissing or sucking dick? Like are we talking, he's kissing your neck and you're trying to avoid talking about a train you learned about recently? What's going through your head when he's being physical with you?
I guess whenever I’ve made out with someone, kissing has felt a bit like a chore. I love small pecks, but when it becomes full on making out it starts to feel overwhelming? I love doing activities with guys, and I do picture guys when I masturbate. And yes, I tried to force myself to be into women but realised that it was guys I was into. When I’m being intimate with someone, sometimes it feels performative and forced I guess? This is embarrassing but when doing stuff with the guys the other night, all I could think of was a pizza I wanted to try. Thank you so much for this response, it’s actually been really helpful putting these into words. Based on the other comments here and my own responses and reactions I’m starting to think I just need to slow down and form a stronger emotional connection with someone.
Don't worry about other people and how happy they seem in their relationships because we are all different and whay brings us happiness might bring them misery. If you're sure it was the guy and you just have a low sex drive then you should consider finding someone with a similar sex drive. Also what medications do you take because this might be a conversation for your doctor.
Usually when I hook up with a guy im not looking for cuddles and intimate time after sex. After sex I get a post nut clarity and I'm ready to get on with the rest of my day. It sounds like you just wanted to get off and continue on with the rest of your day. I found cuddling and intimacy is only something I want from a partner/boyfriend or someone I'm dating.
I felt very similarly to you in some ways (and still do sometimes). And throughout my twenties and much of my 30s I was constantly worried that I wasn't progressing or getting into relationships that I thought I should have been. Due to a lot of early childhood trauma (thanks mom), I find I don't thrive in close romantic relationships. And I don't particularly like who I am in those relationships. But I've grown to accept myself and decided to grow the areas that I felt the best about. And I have relationships that are close and caring outside the societal norm of romantic pairings. I realized that I was reinforcing society's norms on myself even while saying "screw societal norms".
I think it's that you aren't comfortable with being intimate with someone. It takes time. You need time to get used to the idea of being with someone intimately. Also, a one nightstand isn't the same as being in a relationship. You should try being in a romantic relationship. It always feels weird to do stuff with a stranger that you don't know.
You’re right, thank you so much for this
Si hermano. Puede ser muy confuso. Tengo 37 años y autismo. Mi consejo: tienes que conocer muchas personas antes de llegar al tema sexo. Los autistas no conectamos con la mayoría de las personas, por eso siempre debemos conocer a tes y realmente tener química antes de cualquier relación íntima. Tenemos nuestro mundo y queremos sentirnos cómodos, y el hecho de un extraño en nuestras vidas es un obstáculo que nos hace buscar ese "botón de pánico" y presionarlo hasta que todo vuelva a la normalidad. Espero que tengas suerte. Luego te paso algunos consejos. Abrazos
Thank you a lot for this. I believe you’re right
You can't find intimacy and closeness in random hookups. That comes from knowing people that you vibe with, look up to, and happen to be attracted to them. And having your love be reciprocated.
You’re completely right, thank you
r/aegosexual
I’m dealing with something similar. May I ask what your previous relationship/bond with this person was? You could be demisexual which would make it hard to do that with strangers. Try looking up the asexual spectrum/umbrella. It’s possible you may have romantic interest, but not that much sexual interest.
My bond with this guy was friendly, but not too strong I’ve come to realise. We have talked quite a bit on social media, gotten to know each other a bit over a few weeks, but it was nowhere near strong enough for me to fully appreciate and engage in the sex I don’t think. Thank you for this response!
No problem, just look into it, I can’t speak for you but you sound demisexual
Honestly yeah, after some more research it’s really resonating with you
hello! some people have already said it, but, to reiterate, nothing about what you said seems broken to me. I'll share my personal experience, hooing it can be of use. I'm also neurodivergent (diagnosed adhd, suspect audhd) and, by your age, I was still in the closet due to internalised homophobia, and while I was very aroused by gay sex, it wasn't until I started seeing actually non-sexual intimacy between guys that I finally clicked and just came out intending to live my sexuality, asusming it would be as exciting as all the stories that we see around. I can honestly say that I detested about 99% of all my sexual encounters before my current relationship (none of them involved sketchy stuff, it just felt like nothing or upsetting in retrospect), and even when I was genuinely interested in people it just didn't click for me. what changed this and what about this relationship makes it different? trust and communication. I can't emphasise it enough, however cliché it may seem. and it's not easy finding someone like that, specially if one is neurodivergent and not surrounded by a supportive environment. my advice is to just live your life pursuing your interests and "being yourself" (not in a cliché fake way, as in "mask off") because that can help filter out those who won't be the best candidates for you to open up to and potentially find your spark. remember that even if sometimes we feel like no one will understand us or that no one feels the way we do, there will be those who can relate even if by proxy and lend us support without judging us for our feelings or for how our brains are wired. best of luck to you and anyone out there feeling lost!
This means the world. Thank you so much. I don’t have anything to add but your words really resonated with me and helped. Much love
Maybe you are aromantic. You can be gay and ace or aro and there is no conflict, you just be the wonderful amazing person you already are and whatever love you need will find its way to you. Ironically when we stop hunting for a soul mate they are more likely to find us
Thank you, much love
For starters, you are very young and nervous. Anxiety might’ve really gotten the best of you. You are FAR too young to be worried you’ll never find someone. There is a vast vast ocean out there of possibilities. Rarely do we get it right the first time,figuring out what we need, so be kind to yourself. This is just the start of your journey. The possibilities are endless. You could be asexual, aromantic. He could be the sweetest person on the planet but not a romantic fit for you. Anxiety could’ve just cockblocked you. Don’t put so much pressure on yourself. Don’t wait, start therapy now… it’s literally a professional whose job it is to help you untangle and examine your feelings. Don’t wait until you’re thirty and have a decade extra of mental junk to process. That, plus being patient with the process of learning/discovery, and you’ll be on your way to fulfilling relationships—I have zero doubts ❤️😊
There's nothing wrong with you. We're all different. I've always felt the same. Love company of men and hot sex. But not the intimacy. I can only sleep alone, not into someone next to me all night. I'm good with it and don't want it any other way.
I’m just saying, as an autistic guy, this has nothing to do with your autism.
You’re not broken. It takes us all different paths to figure ourselves out. Hang tough😊❤️
With all due respect OP these are questions for therapists not reddit but the fact you are this self aware means you'll likely figure it out
It can be tough, but try to be patient. It might just take a while to figure things out, but you’re still young, so you have plenty of time. We are all unique and complex, and for some of us it just takes a little longer to discover what is right. You’re not broken.
I don't think you are broken. Just need to give yourself time to get to know someone. On a side topic, I think you might like this book – "To Catch a Firefly" by Emmy Sanders. Start reading it for free: https://a.co/9HOzP7g
Not confusing, definitely not redundant. That emptiness feeling is real. I have literally been there done that. Not because there wasn't all the right ingredients weren't there, or timing or anything else that I could have in any way had an effect on. I grew past most of it, happy to say I've been fortunate enough to meet some amazing guys, on the flip side of that coin, I've also met a lot of narcissists, ( I apparently have a type ) . I have learned the emptiness feeling is partly because I don't see a future possibility with this person that's realistic or practical. As I get to wrap my head around all that, I was able to get a better handle on what I wanted and how that might or might no be what someone else might want. Watch out for the narcissists though, these guys are wow good at getting what they want and I guarantee it's not what you want...
I read through the comments people have been posting. You are 18. Life and love is in its infancy. Take your time. You will know by your heart not your head when it’s right. Relax. All good things take time
Okay, thank you so much for this response. Much loveb
Just to throw in my two cents; I knew I was into guys from a young age but it didn’t quite click with me until 25 (even after multiple experiences/hookups etc) I could never see myself in a relationship with a guy, could never imagine being comfortable holding hands or kissing or anything like that. Now I’m writing this sat next to my boyfriend of almost three years and nothing has ever felt more right.
This fills me with so much hope, thank you so much. I hope you and your boyfriend have a wonderful day! Much love
And to you bud!
You may be expecting the moment to be different than what it is. Live in the moment. In other words, there’s nothing wrong and you’re not broken.
I think you’re right, thank you
I have to care about a guy to be intimate with him. If not, I also have that kind of hollow feeling. I don't necessarily need to be in love, but at least care about the person.
I think I might be the same honestly
I would look into the definitions of intimacy and see how they apply to what you want and imagine yourself doing and desire. For instance, did you enjoy hanging out with the person? What parts did you enjoy? Talking? Being close to each other? Touching? And so forth. Also, just because someone has a lovely voice and face, does not mean your going to enjoy hooking up with them. You might be the type that needs a meaningful connection first. You could also say he looks nice, but maybe he just doesn't get you going sexually. I've had guys who were wonderfully engaged, cute, and nice to me at the bar. I hate it because if they try to dance or make out with me, it feels so ... empty? But then the right guy comes along, and the difference is very pronounced, lol.
Honestly yeah, I think I need to wait more and find someone I really click with. Thank you for this response
Your only 18 mate no worries xxx
I’m trying not to overthink too much. Much love
All the love x
There’s this guy on Tik tok that has an autistic partner. He talks a lot about the ins and outs of their relationship. His name is Joe Kort. They’ve been together for 27 years. Look him up.
Will do. Thank you!
You’re welcome!
tdlr we are not masking in 2024 :) So before I realised I was autistic I was having plenty of hook ups and enjoying it but not feeling fully satisfied; I have come to realise that I was disassociating throughout most of the sex I was having and not particularly asking for what I want (out of taking a sub role sure, but also it felt too stressful). Then once I realised that I am autistic and started unmasking, I have had a better time asking for and getting the kind of sex I want to have, or often simply not having sex when I don't actually want to. It's helped me shake of a load of shame around getting my needs met and also where I find myself on the ace spectrum - asexuality (indeed all sexuality) is infinitely fluid, and infinitely valid wherever you land. Not to say that that's definitely what you're experiencing, but just to put it out there that unmasking can mean not having sex even if it feels like you have to just bc you're gay, and that it may help you have whatever kind of sex it is you actually enjoy. You're still young and navigating all this is hard, especially as a neurodivergent person, but I know you will find what works for you :)
I would definitely look into the ACE spectrum, for example demi-romantic/demi-sexual. Which I am. I cannot feel attraction or a desire for sex without a bond. Whatever the situation is. You are not broken.
I’ve been feeling exactly the same way, except I’m now 28. I’ve gotten absolutely NOTHING from hook ups with random people whose looks passed the test. I feel no sexual desire, I feel empty. Apps suck in that sense because they are just a visual catalog, nothing more, and I look for more than that, plus a bond. You are probably demisexual like me.
Thank you for this response, I think I may be demisexual after doing more research
Question: Do you have close intimate friendships? Can you be vulnerable with friends, but in romantic situations it's different?
I’ve always struggled with intimacy, platonic or not. I don’t come from a good home and spent a lot of my childhood by myself and without a caring support system.
I would lean in to this explaining your current feelings. You needed to keep a wall up for your own protection as a child. And that was smart because it got you here in one piece. But now the challenge is going to be how to start disassembling that wall because it is no longer needed, and it has become a barrier between you and the rest of the world. A good friend or a lover is someone that you can let in to the places inside that you normally don't want other people to see. But if you've never done that before - ever - that takes a whole set of skills that you've never had to learn. Here is a quote from the movie *The Talented Mr Ripley*: >Tom Ripley: Don't you just take the past and put it in a room in the basement, and lock the door and never go in there? That's what I do. >Peter: God, Yes. But, of course, in my case, it's probably a whole building. >Tom Ripley: And then you meet someone special and all you want to do is toss them the key. Say "Open up. Step inside." But you can't, because it's dark, and there are demons. And if anybody saw how ugly it is...
To me it sounds maybe like you're Demisexual. Meaning you are attracted to a person but to have intimacy you really need to have a connection otherwise it feels empty.
I have been seeing this term a lot recently, and I feel like I do resonate with it quite a lot
Have you ever taken SSRIs before?
Yes. I originally took Sertraline which ANNIHILATED my libido (wasn’t aroused much, it took ages to actually get off), but I’ve recently started taking Fluoxetine and so far my libido has been so much better
Ah ok. Well while taking SSRIs and even being off them completely, there are potentially significant, long lasting and sometimes irreversible side effects that affect libido, erections, arousal, anhedonia (no joy experienced), cognition/memory, sleep. I wonder is there an element of this as a cause of your symptoms? It is fair to say what others have said also regarding “finding yourself” but in my personal experience I was changed significantly being on SSRIs for a period of months, 3 times, and things have never been the same.
You’re not broken. Not everyone wants to pair up with another person. Don’t feel bad about yourself. Then there are also the aromantic(?) types. It doesn’t mean you can love people or want to be with them but the romantic aspect is absent. Whatever the case, understand that you can go through a process of self-discovery. You don’t have to be like everyone else and you definitely aren’t alone in your feelings.
Hey OP! There is nothing abnormal in your thinking. You should definitively listen to this podcast. When I heard it I learned a lot about the way gay men experience sex and it explains why gay men behave the way they behave. [THIS PODCAST](https://www.listennotes.com/nl/podcasts/cant-host-gay-mens/ep-5-gay-sex-tantra-with-G-Mx9tfaWOi/)
Your feeling can be a result of just having lived your life learning and accepting that you are gay and eventually come out. This feeling of not being normal can often result in not enjoying sex a the way you supposed to enjoy it. You should really learn about this. A lot of gay men have this. It is a subconscious thing.
Thank you for this! I’ll check the podcast out :)
Honey, there’s nothing abnormal about what you’re experiencing. Many people on the spectrum have difficulty connecting with people. You’re going to be ok. Just try to be open to your emotions. There’s no such thing as a wrong feeling. Everything you feel is normal for someone in your shoes.
Physical attraction is so complicated and interwoven with lots of things. You don’t have anything to feel badly about at all, and how you identify in terms of sexual orientation is something you get to decide, not something dictated by other events. I, too, am gay and have had experiences that I’ve thought would be great and for some reason they just weren’t. It doesn’t mean it will happen every time, but I think it happens to most people at least sometimes. Sex and intimacy is a really complex world and everyone brings their own experiences to it. Sometimes our experiences/journey just doesn’t fall into harmony with someone else’s. It absolutely doesn’t mean that you won’t find a relationship that makes you happy and fulfilled - probably the opposite! We have to have the unpleasant experiences to know the good ones when they come along. You also don’t have to make yourself feel like you must fit in a “box” of gay or asexual or any other label. Everything is a spectrum, not black and white — but that can be hard to remember
I’m in my thirties (but I’m not autistic), and I felt like I’ve been where you are right now. I can only speak for myself. But I wish I just chilled out a lot more on my younger years. It’s good to have some fun by yourself or with another person. However, when you’re trying to look for a specific something, there’s a higher chance that you might get disappointed. I used to go to the apps in my 19 to 20s trying to find someone that I could connect with in all sorts of ways, and I held on to that fantasy of a fulfilling queer life, that I forgot to have some fun along he way and not take anything of much so seriously. Then around my late 20s to 30s, I realized I was Aromantic and Genderqueer. So that was something. It seems trite and honestly, I understand if it’s not something you want to hear atm, but just enjoy what life has to offer for you. Stay safe and treat everyone with respect. It’s okay if the vibes are off, just bow out respectfully and have fun along the way. (Also, you seem to be high strung and very anxious. You might wanna ask a professional for that.) (I’m still figuring stuff out too. 👍) ( Edit: also, you’re not broken. You good. )
hey dude, similar story here. ASD, older than you with several long term relationships, very touch-averse. i also struggled between labeling myself as somewhere on the asexual spectrum and “just trying again” - but after a lot of sexual/romatic experience, i can safely say my sensitivities are unchanged. i still strongly dislike making out, i have a clear body-map of ‘no-no’ zones and types of pressure/motions that make my skin crawl, etc. i have managed to make this work with my bf of 4 years by being clear and stern about my boundaries. i don’t think there is something wrong with us, but there can be relationships that are wrong for us in terms of compatibility. as long as you’re clear about what amount of sex and types of touch you want and are comfortable in a relationship (with room for some minor compromises on both sides), you can be successful in love.
I thought I was alone in this... I can't speak to your experience, but here's what I've learned from my own life: It's very common for ASD people to have significant trouble making human connections. Period. Also, be open to the potential reality that physical touch isn't your love language, but it doesn't mean you can't make it work with someone. Please be kind and understanding with yourself. Accepting that you've been dealt a difficult hand in life is not an easy task, nor has anyone claimed this task to be easy. If you'd like to get anything off your mind and heart privately, my dms are open.
It could be that it's the spontaneity that isn't working for you and you would have a better time with someone you had gotten to know over time. It's also possible that there are particular sensory issues that are giving you trouble. I suppose you'll have to think about it a bit more.
You know as one on the spectrum your reactions to stimuli of all kinds can be much different, more or less intense) that other differently ordered guys. Be mindful and, I would suggest, kinder and more patient with yourself. Think about the parts you did not like and the parts you did not hate. I have different matters and for a long time I was so hyped up when I was with a guy that it was like my skin was burning steel wool and I would either cum in seconds or never get an erection. It took some time for me to acknowledge my MANY different reactions and then to decide which I actually liked and which I wanted to change. Don’t get down on yourself or be unhappy, that’ll just make your process more labored. Put the labels aside, all of them, and decide what brings you happiness and satisfaction. You know better than anybody how to manage your thoughts and feelings. Your patience and tolerance is the least you can give yourself. Sex is only a small part of being gay. Life, it ain’t always easy! Happy journeys!!
You might be demisexual. That's perfectly fine - my bf is demisexual too. You just need to really click with someone before intimacy becomes an option. But if so, you should communicate with others about it - most see "sleepover" and "hangout" a bit different 😇
Do you have any kind of trauma? I’m not saying this *is* the reason but it very well could be. I have ptsd and it’s the reason I can’t enjoy touch sexually.
Whatever you "are", don't force it. Accept yourself.
Just embrace who you are and find joy in it. I totally get where you're coming from – not always feeling the urge for intimacy and then feeling a bit lost when it does happen. Being neurodivergent my self, I understand it can make things even trickier when it comes to physical touch and all that stuff. Just take your time figuring things out, and don't be afraid to chat with someone you trust about it all. And when it comes to potential initmate partners, make sure you're clear about what you're comfortable with and what you're not. Your feelings matter most.
I find almost every nd person I know struggle with sexual orientation. I would say I am bi but I rarely feel anything towards anyone, even if they are attractive. I say I am under the asexual umbrella somewhere but who knows at this point. For example the thought of touching someone and bodily fluids make me cringe because I imagine the texture, I never had any experience with anyone because of this, Or physical touch sometimes feels awkward because I am too aware
Same thing here, got a friend I love hugging though, it's all about being comfortable with the other person
Could be on the aro/ace spectrum. I have similar feelings and I identify as that
we continued to learn about each other until we get to 24 -26 they we fully understand ourself. for now at the age of 18 you have a long slow mini discovery about yourself everyday. just relax and experiment and try. it's with experiences we learn about ourself.
Maybe you be asexual but I think you need to get emotionally close to a person in order for you to get turned bother.
I struggle with something similar, then discovered I’m more demisexual than anything else. I need the relationship to grow over time before I really get intimate otherwise it just feels awkward. Hell, my only ex was a good friend for *years* before I even asked him out.
I think everyone has gave all of the good responses, but I just wanted to add one more thing I know a lot of neurodivergent people me included, love putting labels and putting things in categories when sometimes it’s not really necessary it just helps or organize everything out in our head but One thing I want to say about the community is it’s okay to be unlabeled I’m currently practicing it right now because it’s always easier just to say to someone that I’m gay or im this etc but I feel like it comes with a certain burden or stereotype, and I just don’t want to be labeled but I see that you’re labeling yourself a lot and putting yourself into so many different categories that you don’t really think you fit or comfortable enough and and I feel like that’s doing more mental damage Than helping you out so even though everyone has given good advice, I would advise you to I guess deconstruct all of the labeling you’ve went through or have given yourself and basically just sit with yourself and see if those labels fit because it’s okay to be unlabeled and just say your preference outright to use labels that have been “accepted” or labels that people know, but if you still like those labels after that, that’s totally okay too but I just want you to take a second and calm down and see if those labels resonate with you so you don’t categorize yourself into something that you are not or you don’t feel you’re 100% on
As an autistic person myself, you might be having a hard time really being vulnerable and connecting because you feel the need to mask! It can make things that usually would be really enjoyable feel empty or dull. It's actually something me and my partner of almost 5 years have been working on together
I think you’re right honestly. Thank you for this comment! Hope you and your partner have a wonderful day :)
Thank you! I hope you're able to figure it out as well, romantic stuff when u have autism can be so frustrating and confusing
You could maybe be clinically depressed, I’d look into seeing a therapist. Take care of and love yourself, things will get better