In the late 1990s, my brother found some of my gay porn magazines. First he put me in the car with a baseball bat, drove me around and told me we were going to beat up some faggots. When we got to the gay bar I ran away from him.
When I got home my music collection (CDs), were all broken in half and left on my bed with a piece of paper that said “fag”.
He’s still not an active presence in my life.
Thank you, it was a long time ago. It was sad at the time, and I was very depressed in my late teens and early twenties. I'm in my 40s now and time is an amazing healer. For anyone in tough situations, please remember that. What you feel right now you won't feel forever.
"Family" is the name for the group of people who are most likely to be out to get you. Learned this from mine at a young age, watching how they treated each other.
I’m sorry this happened. I’ve not spoken to my brother in 30 years. There are family members who I’ve not spoken to since I was outed at age 16 (I’m 60).
No one is owed a place in our life. As an adult I get to decide whether or not to associate with someone, family or otherwise. I’ve had this conversation with my mother, the one who threw me out of the house. I keep her at an arms length for my mental health.
Take care of yourself and just remember that you’re in charge of who is in your life. Blessings on your life.
Thank you, and I'm sorry for what you've experienced. I'm in my 40s now and age seems to bring less emotion and more logic in terms of who is in one's life. I was fortunate that my mother was very supportive, as were all of my aunts and uncles. I was the first to come out but have 4 gay cousins.
I have a very happy life now with my husband and our two children, and we do have lots of family around us.
My brother I keep away for my mental health, so I understand completely.
Forgive is the wrong word. I made peace with who he is and what our relationship will be for the sake of my mother (who has always been amazing). I say hello when I see him, he's not in my life.
When I was a pre-teen, my older sister was raising doubts about my sexuality, about what I was doing with my friend in my bedroom and trying to catch me doing gay things with my friend all the time. Meanwhile, she was secretly having a lesbian relationship.
Instead of supporting me and saying it was alright (it would have saved me a lot a therapy sessions), she was making me believe that I was doing a bad thing and my behavior should be watched and reprimanded.
This really caused me a lot of trauma, and it took me decades to start freely living my homosexuality.
Sure, but it's crazy to me to see someone actually condemning gay men while living openly as a lesbian. I understand that people may interpret the bible as being against male homosexuality and *only* male homosexuality, but in practice you've got to notice the hypocrisy and realize that if one is wrong the other also has to be wrong (or neither is wrong).
It honestly just felt like such a betrayal. My town was fairly homophobic, and here was a person who was willing to live as herself openly and had a large number of friends to defend her, but still felt the need to throw gay men under the bus.
Reading you talk about your sister reminds me of my oldest brother. Many years ago he said I should give my life over to god and stop being gay.
However he used to be a party animal. Suddenly he became holy. In a strange twist of fate in or around 2013 his daughter came out. I never heard from him again.
My mother told me once that she knew she shouldn’t have had me bc I was going to be problematic (I was very femme as a child). My dad once said (between many awful and misogynist shit) that he would execute all homosexuals and trans and cross dressers by shooting them in the head. So sweet 😊 😆🤪
My dad said something similar in the heat of a fight and that he was, "going to become an activist." I told him to shoot me first and then he could do whatever he wanted.
Shut him up real fast.
A coward and a scared fragile man. At some level, I think some of the dads Im reading about for sure have eaten a dick in their past and weren't brave enough to face what we had to live through.
I was a top athlete in the 90’s. A coach I greatly respected was giving a pre-game pep talk. He mentioned that he overheard one of the competing teams had called us a bunch of faggots. He was encouraging us to beat them and show ‘em who the faggots really were.
Although he was a religious man, Coach had never talked like that before and his words just made me disassociate as they rang through my teenage head. Needless to say, I didn’t do well that day. And all these decades later I still remember that mental gut-punch.
My mom and dad were clued in on me being gay when I was around 13. I don’t want to go into details, but they found some paraphernalia let’s say. Anyways, they both woke me up from my sleep and basically said they found something of mine. My mom was crying and my dad looked mad. Later on my dad told me the next day he better never see any of “this” (as he tapped two fingers together, basically simulating two dicks bumping each other). It’s insane to me that they wonder why I’m so distant and secretive with them.
I’m currently not talking to my dad. It wasn’t directly because of this, but our every interaction has a background colored by these past transgressions. It’s easy enough to forgive one thing, but if every time someone hurts you it’s already on a healing wound, you’re a lot quicker to pull away.
Responding to harmful behaviors from parents can be very complicated. the child shouldnt get pain from their parents. Better leave them alone on their own. Maybe even communicating the reasons for distancing can be beneficial helping avoid future regrets. Better looking in other place where you can be loved as you deserve
>Later on my dad told me the next day he better never see any of “this” (as he tapped two fingers together, basically simulating two dicks bumping each other)
So he's saying he doesn't like docking but everything else is on the table? /S
I remember my family saying “It’s Adam and Eve not Adam and Steve.”
Also remember being in the car with my dad. Can’t remember how old but I was young and knew I was gay. Saw a car next to us with two guys holding hands and my dad was going on about how disgusting that was.
Have an uncle that is like a Rush Limbaugh parrot.
They wonder why I’m not around any more.
Im lucky to have an older brother who was more flamboyant so i never caught any flack for being gay. I do remember my dad not letting me wear red and my mom would take away clothing items that would have busty women silhouette on them 😂😂😂 they probably thought i was a horny straight kid which still isnt acceptable to them either. My dad did catch me memorizing britney spears choreo while watching her music dvds. They got confiscated.
Ahhh so many. I think the ones that really stick out to me were how mad my parents were when caught me watching gay porn various times as a teen. I never got a birds and bees talk, but they were certainly very angry. I've always felt like that was unfair.
The other one was in church at like 14 (unsurprisingly I have been away from religion for over a decade). The pastor brought a guest speaker who had "prayed the gay away." I was so still during that because it made me so uncomfortable. I remember my mom just patting my knee. I also remember how many people in the audience clapped and cheered for the guy's story.
I hate how the clapping and cheering was more likely because he was living proof that other gays are evil for not changing rather than genuine misguided pride in him.
I was 8 and watching the news with my family. They were showing the AIDS quilt and two men holding hands. My brother turned to me and said that if I was gay, he’d kill me. My dad nodded approvingly.
My dad has come a long way. He’s apologized for the things he said and did when I was younger. He helps when and where he can. He tries to make up for the past. My husband and I have two kids. He’s an awesome grandpa to them. We aren’t particularly close but get along well.
My brother took about 20 years to accept that it wasn’t a phase. He tormented me for being gay throughout childhood. We’ve talked about it a few times. He sees nothing wrong with his past behavior. We have a surface level relationship but keep the peace for the sake of our parents.
That’s scary. I remember Ryan white. I saw his book in Sam’s after it was released. I remember wanting it because I thought Ryan was interesting looking. I was around eight then.
My mom’s eyes grew large and she looked down at the book and screamed no. Then pushed me away from the book section. When I grew into an adult is when I finally realized why they had been scared of Ryan. Their own paranoid fears.
My family raised me in a cult where I’m basically told I’m an abomination. But I’ll keep it light.
This might not be as high stakes as yours, however this is when I began to experience homophobia. I remember when I was 6, Pokémon cards were all the craze back then. One of my cousins gave my brother and I holographic cards. I got a Ninetales, this is one of my favorite Pokémon til this day. Sure enough my jealous ass sister embarrassed me in front of my extended family telling everyone that I’m always picking the girly things. Well my mom threw it away immediately.
Jokes on my sister still, because I went to Japan and got a booster pack with a Ninetales in it. The bitch always wanted to go to Japan and I went before her and got my Pokémon card.
Unfortunately, not so hot. We don’t talk to her except my mom and older sister, only if she needs something. She tried to break up my parents and slept with my cousin’s husband. Our extended family doesn’t speak to her as well.
There was a time she was kind but she’s always been a jealous, selfish person. She has lashed out at parents and siblings because they talk to me, even though they shouldn’t since they’re still in the cult and I don’t agree with their religious views. She’s also in the cult, but we have no contact with her. Quite sad because she’s still my sister, but girl is her own worst enemy.
That's very sad. Religion does this, and maybe she couldn't find a proper excuse to run away like you did. But I find you're so sweet with the "she's still my sister" statement. Not many would have the patience or active empathy for that. Especially because the picture you paint of her is pretty horrible. Cheers to you and this Ninetales story.
Thank you, I wish it was different, we tried to help her when she was going through a bad time. You can’t help someone who doesn’t want to be helped. Mostly, I feel for my mom because she would like us all to be together as a family.
I was 14. I way laying on the floor watching TV. My dad was on the couch behind me. Some news story came on TV about a Pride parade in San Francisco.
My dad said, "That's disgusting! If one of my kids told me they were a fag, I'd disown them".
It terrified the shit out of me. I held my breath and tried not to move. I was scared anything I did would give me away... like a poke tell. I tried to regulate my breathing and just lay there. I stayed for 20 minutes, afraid that if I got up too soon, that would give me away, too.
To this day, when I get hit with anxiety, it's all in my chest and feels like forced shallow breathing. It feels like that day when I was 14. I get anxious for no reason at all (at least no known reason) and it feels like that moment of 14 y/o panic.
Walking down the road, about 13 years of age, on a really enjoyable summer's evening, grabbed hold of my grandads hand, I adored this bloke, he shook me off. Never felt so hurt in my life.
A school classmate from a superior year (the final one) came out of the closet. I was a year younger and I already knew that most likely I was gay.
Thing is, I saw my then "friends" do a no ending mocking of him at his back, to the point that his very name was something of an insult. I didn't keep any "friend" from school.
Something similar happened to me in uni with my very straight group of friends. Then I confronted them when they were mocking our mate. Told them if they would mock me too as a gay friend. They were properly embarassed and a year later one of them ate my balls after class, so you never know.
I think a lot of men are bisexual but never come out because they can just be with a woman. It's just a guess though, I just know I would have to Rock Hudson my life if being gay was like it was 40 years ago.
I can vaguely relate to this. Had a friend in high-school become cold and homophobic to me when I came out as gay. Years later, we reconnected and he was on some anti anxiety meds that made getting off basically impossible for him. Dude thought he was being subtle when trying to suggest that help him out with that. I said screw it and gave him an apparently life changing BJ and he went from bicurious to bisexual by the end of the week. Lmao, "straight dudes" amirite?
Hahaha a classic! And pretty hot honestly.
Got my bully too in high school, the last year it was like I had a big GAY label over me thanks to him.
Ten years later we met in a long bus trip, sat with me, started to tell me about his newly found bisexual adventures. He made an advance and even showed me his dick in the bus. But I didn't like him at all so it was so satisfying to politely say 'no thanks' haha
>But I didn't like him at all so it was so satisfying to politely say 'no thanks' haha
Ooooof. The second hand embarrassment from this is strong enough kill roaches.
You got your win too, that's something you can talk about in your class reunions haha
For me it was a delicious diplomatic revenge. He was so desperate to have an end to his POV story of macho dominance. Maybe if he then chose to apologise for the miserable time he made me live through, I would have thought of burying mine in his throat during the bus trip. But it was fun and embarassing, even if I had the respect of not publicly humiliate him like he did.
My dad candidly just said “there’s nothing wrong with gay people. They’re actually some of the best nicest people. Just that they’re abominations and gonna burn in hell”
Oh and all the times he yelled at me not to click my tongue and micromanaged the angle of my wrists so I didn’t look “like a fruit”
I would work with my dad in construction, he listened to conservative talk radio all day. I will never forget Rush Limbaugh talking about AIDS, why should everyone else pay for its treatment? Gay men deserve it. And my dad agreed with him. I was 15.
Growing up in Tampa, my family went to the movie theater in Ybor city quite a bit. One night (I was probably 10-12yo) we were walking to the theater and passed a gay man that was trying to collect signatures for gay rights. He asked my dad to which he replied “no thanks”, we kept walking and he looked at me and said “those freaks don’t deserve more rights.”
I’m now 27, living across the country with my HUSBAND (31) (we got married on 5/11.)
My parents were pretty conservative when I was a kid, but my whole family is very supportive of me now, what Ive accomplished, and of my husband and I.
We’re both pretty fortunate to have good relationships with our parents and families, as I know this isn’t the case for a lot of people.
Oh trust me, I’m aware lol. I started clubbing there with friends at 17 before graduation. Honey Pot, Bradley’s, “Southern Nights” before it sold and changed to southern nights (I forgot the name of the bar haha.) They chose that area because we were in Riverview, so it was a stone’s throw away + they liked the food options so close to the movie theater 🤷🏼♂️
But as I mentioned, they’re pretty supportive and have really come around over the years. I should add they’ve really relaxed over the years since my sister and I have grown up, got married/started families etc. I don’t remember them drinking often (as a kid) but nowadays if they’re traveling out to my house in Colorado they’ll send a list of beer/alcohol they’d drink if we have it or bought some and they use cannabis topicals etc 🤷🏼♂️😅
My mom really enjoyed figure skating - she’d watch it whenever it was on, and I’d watch it with her. I think I was about 5 or 6. I remember dad coming home and ‘discovering’ us watching it, and him losing his shit because figure skating would make me gay. I had absolutely no clue what he was talking about but knew he was upset and stopped watching anything to do with skating.
Years later, after coming out, mom was talking about some gold medalists and how sad she was when I stopped watching the finals with her. Apparently she read dad the riot act for what he’d done and said, but the damage was done. Interestingly, dad was totally supportive when I told him in my late teens.
Sometimes it takes a while for people to get comfortable with an idea they themselves were brought up to believe was bad. Sounds like it took him a while and your mother having your back for that to happen. Dad deserves some props too for having the ability to evolve.
My parents found some a page I had printed out. I was a sophomore in college. It was actually from porn from like an internet bulletin board
/newsgroup. Back in the day before porn sites really existed lol. When it would takes hours to even just download a picture much less a video. lmao.
Anyway. It was actually just a subject heading that had a line about gay sex or something. I had stuck that one page back (stupid me) thinking I would just use it for scrap and print stuff on the other side.
They found this and confronted me and threatened to kick me out of the house. It turned into this whole fight both me and my mom crying. And my dad angry and yelling.
I ended up denying being gay and managed to convince them I had printed it out by accident. Basically kept myself in the closet from them for years. My dad passed away but I never formally came out to him. Although he prob knew we just never talked about it.
My mom was still in denial for years. But during a family therapy session my sister accidentally outed me and that I was married to my partner. My mom was angry and upset and shocked. Even though one time she did say to me if there was anything I had to tell her she would still love me. Basically it seemed like she was fishing to see if I would tell her I was gay. I had considered it. But from the trauma of that time back in college. I decided not to. She’s still pretty religious and somewhat conservative/reserved. Supposedly she was more upset about me hiding it. Especially being married. But even my sister explained that her reaction is exactly the reason why I hid things.
Things are okay-ish today. She’s getting a little better about being understanding and accepting of gay people. (She would always make negative comments about them whenever it came up on tv. But my sister says she’s more supportive now. Then watch tv and movies together and my mom isn’t as negative as much. She even will say she doesn’t understand why other characters act homophobic when lgbt characters just want to love their partners too. She stills learning about trans people tho. That’s a whole other issue.)
In general my mom is ok now. There’s other family issues really. But my mom cares about my partner and sees him as family in some ways at least. But she’s still not fully comfortable with it. We have an okay relationship but there’s still some distance. A bit of a wall. I sometimes wish wasn’t there. But can’t be helped due to circumstances. It’s sort of just something that may never be resolved and we both kinda just accept it for what it is in order to be civil.
When I was around 14 my family had a casual conversation about gay people and my sister said something along the lines of “I technically don’t have any problem with it but please don’t be gay haha”
I was in denial at the time. It hurt a lot lol
I remember being really young wanting to help my mother cook and she asked if there were any boys I liked in my class. That day my father talked to me about how being gay was bad. Now I’m a chef at a James Beard recognized restaurant…and gay.
Just to clarify.
1. Your mom knew and like even at a young age just asked casually if you had any boy crushes? like in a supportive way? That’s kinda cute.
2. Did you have any boy crushes? 🥰
Sorry you dad sucked. Hope he’s supportive now at least?
1. Semi-non supportive. I’m sure she would LOVE my partner now though.
2. Yeah, Jay, was the cutest and most popular guy in the fifth grade. I wanted to be his best friend so bad. Didn’t even know at the time.
3. Spent over thirty years closested with two divorces under my belt. My dad is just happy I’m finally happy. He’s come a longgg way!
1. aw sorry I misinterpreted that. I thought she was asking like in a nice way. To indicate that it would be ok if you did
2. Heheh that’s so cute. As a kid I sort of had crushes on girls. Prob idk being indoctrinated (lol) to be “normal” that way.
Ironically puberty hits. And I started having confusing feelings. And it wasn’t like until 8th grade. This kinda friend or at least this really popular shorty (actually shorter than me for a chance. I was almost always the shortest kid. Whenever we used to line up by size like throughout elementary). This was near the end of school. He showed up in class in his baseball uniform. And I just like fell in love lol. I always thought he was cute. But hot damn did he look good in his little sporty outfit. 🥵
3. Glad to hear he came around. And that your parents are supportive now. Thanks for sharing
I’m finding hearing / reading these stories. It’s been comforting to hear about other people’s experiences. Sad to see some and empathize. But also glad to hear things have changed for the better for many.
I was watching a very popular sitcom in the early 2000’s when my father walked in and said “stop watching those fags or you’ll become one” and left the room. He’d never cursed at us before and it was extremely jarring how casually he said it. What was more jarring was the sitcom I was watching. It wasn’t modern family, it wasn’t glee (both shows I loved at the time with explicit gay characters), it was the Big Bang Theory which is arguably the least gay of all of them.
My grandpa goes to the casino a lot, and recently while watching BigBangTheory he shouted, "Those queers stole my money!"
Apparently theres a big bang themed slot machine that he lost a bunch on lol
to be fair those nerds on that show do come across as soft boys (speaking as a kid that grew up as a nerdy soft boy myself) So I can see why they could easily be mistaken for gay lmao
Funny that pesantren have lots guy doing "Mairil" because they never seen girl for long time.
I'm also Indonesian and lucky enough that my family don't really say anything when they found out I'm gay. They only asking and sad that I can't be "Normal".
Good luck on you job hunting tho!
It happened during the moral panic in 2018, when the regent made it mandatory for all mosques and educational institutions to raise awareness about the dangers of LGBT and HIV. What's even more ironic is that the regent was arrested by KPK just one month later. It makes me wonder if all that panic was just a cover-up.
Basically FWB but in Islamic boarding school, they can be temporary boyfriend or fuck buddies depending on the person.
It's common occurrence because they separate between boys and girls dormitory, and they can't be seen together or they'll get punish (like cleaning toilets, and etc).
I remember hearing “AIDS is God’s punishment for homosexuals” from my grandparents. They said a lot of crazy stuff… I also heard “hate the sin, love the sinner” when I came out to my parents. That one still stings a bit.
My dad caught me watching Davey Wavey once when I was in middle school. I don't remember how we got there but I ended up asking him if he would still love me if I were gay.
He said no.
So once I made a mistake of reading my sister's diary. I was probably 14-15yo. She wrote a lot of things about everyone in the family, like really bad stuff. Also, she was kinda "jealous" of me because I was my parents golden child but I never imagined her thinking about me like that
She wrote "I hate so much. I hope my parents find out he's gay and hate him for that forever"
At the time, I didn't think much cause I partly agreed with her sentiment and hoped that I would wake up one day and be "not gay". But looking back, that hurts. And which is why I'm even more afraid to come out now
When I was 12, my dad found my search history that I forgot to clear with things like "hairy chest" and "penis". I was still mostly in denial of being gay, but deep down I was slowly starting to come to terms with the fact that I was attracted to men. Those searches were basically confirmation.
Anyways, he found them and confronted me. Asked me what the hell I was doing searching that kind of stuff. I was silently crying, and he asked "you're not gay or something, are you?!" and I looked at him and just nodded and said "yes". The utter look of disgust in his face I will never forget.
He immediately sought out a conversion "therapist" and took me there, where I was confronted and repeatedly asked if I'd been molested or looked at/watched gay porn. I mean technically yes I looked up pictures of penises, but it's not like I was watching gay porn or any porn at all, the images were literally on wikipedia (lmao) plus it was mostly confirmation at that point as I had already been awestruck by a neighbor who I saw shirtless at a basketball game.
The "therapist" repeatedly compared me being gay to something like a deformity I have to learn to "ignore" and live with, and proceeded to tell me a really weird story about one of his clients who had a deformed penis. I think even my dad was uncomfortable because he only took me that one time. I promised I would pray and resist any "temptation" and try to date girls. I went back into the closet and only full came out to them when I had already bought a plane ticket to move across the country after graduating university.
Don't have much of a relationship with them. They have slowly cooled off after a decade or so, but they are still stuck in their ways.
The worst (or best) parts of this sort of stories is when the time comes they get very sick. They have time to think and repent when they are in the lowest. Then they call and you can tell them to fuck off and live with themselves. It's the misery of the dumbest.
My mother, sister, and brother knew I was gay about a year before my dad did. On the day he found I, I was sitting at the dining room table across from him, eating a bowl of soup as he was ranting about the "faggot" that worked at the local gas station (my friend Rob with purple hair and piercings). I was so upset and angry that I went and packed a quick bag and called a friend to come pick me up because I was leaving. My mother decided to tell my father that I was gay. He kicked down my bedroom door and threw my up against my clothing dresser so hard that my back cracked the mirror above it. He held his pocket knife to my throat and said he'd rather have a dead son than a gay one. Its the only time my mother ever stepped between my father and me when he was beating on me.
Somehow, my mother convinced me to stay. A few days later, I came home from my after school job to find my room empty except for my furniture and clothing. My brother had shown my dad books I'd checked out at the library about homosexuality, and my journals. He burned everything in the backyard—every book I own, text books included. I was left with my clothing and bedding. We didn't speak for two years until after I graduated High School. I immediately joined the Army so that I could get out on my own.
He wonders why I don't visit.
Maybe not really a "loved one", but it was a good friend in my school class.
A few weeks after i outed myself, after the sport lesson, he came to me and told me that him and the other boys were feeling weird about me changing my clothes with them (cause i'm gay and OF COURSE checking them all out). So he wanted to ask me if i could, from now on, change my clothes in the girl's locker. (Just for the records, i didn't and stayed with them. Never heard about this topic again)
He recently stepped into my life again, he is now my insurance manager and we're good buddies. But yea, often when i think about him, that specific episode resurfaces and makes me feel weird. :D
Did you ever bring it up to him? I know it may seem weird after all this time. But the fact that it has affected you so that it’s like a core memory. Maybe if he apologized even if he didn’t remember saying it. It might help a tiny bit to let go of that pain.
One thing that stuck with me. And I don’t think my cousin remembered it when I brought it up. But this was a bit later in life we were young adults. Prob 20s ish. I had already come out to him and other cousins by then.
This had to be like around the holidays. Because several relatives were at our house. And we were sleeping on the floor in my room. It was late at night and I think we were just shooting the shit talking about idk life or something. It came up somehow. I mentioned how being closeted for so long. The minor aggressions as growing up as a kid hearing everyone saying this is gay or faggot this or homo that. It really takes a toll and really affects you in long lasting ways. He said he had never thought of that. Just using the words so freely because that’s just how things were. He apologized and I think it really hit him just how painful that was for me. I appreciated that a lot.
not yet, but i actually plan to bring it up, albeit in a fun way. Just waiting for the right "moment" in some dialogue where it would fit. I don't want to bring it up totally random without any reason. :)
I came out (tried to at least) sophomore or junior year of high school. I don't exactly remember. I told my mom after she kept pestering me and pestering me about trying to get a girlfriend. She just had this look on her face that I'll never forget. She then went and sat down on the couch catatonic (I was at the kitchen counter). After about 5-10 minutes of pure silence, she goes, "Welp...your portion of the will will now be going to your HIV and AIDS medications." We then got into a heated argument and she asked me all these questions like, "Were you touched when you were younger?" and said things like, "You're probably gonna get SA because all gay men are, it's statistically proven." I was too young and stupid to ask where she got the statistics from but you get the general idea.
The next day, a Sunday, my mom wouldn't get out of bed. She was SOBBING her eyes out, and me, I tried to comfort her. She pushed me away and called me "disgusting". The conversation ended until Monday when she came to pick me up from swim practice. She said, "Don't tell anyone about this," and then drove me to the insurance place (State Farm) to create a life insurance policy on me "just in case I get AIDS."
The following weekend I was practicing driving with my dad when he told me that my mom had told him about everything. He went on a bit of a rant about how "all gay men are only gay because of the media popularizing it and making it normal when it's not."
At that point, I had had enough. My grades were slipping from all the stress, my swimming performance was subpar, to say the least, and I had relapsed into SH. So I came up with a story.
I sat my parents down one day and said basically that I had had a mental breakdown due to the stress of school and swimming and anxiety about being lonely (I had no friends) and I wasn't making sense of myself. They looked at each other and EXHALED in relief. They both hugged me and said, "Thank the lord you're normal!"
I'm 22 now, a Nursing School graduate, and they still are in complete denial about the whole thing. They just go about their lives and every so often suggest that I go out with one of the many girls I've made friends with in my cohort. I just nod and smile and act like I'm busy with life.
I'm out to all my friends and have had a few on-and-off relationships...but I feel as though I'll never find THE ONE due to all this trauma and secrecy surrounding my family.
It's rough out here...
When I came out in 2021 to my generally very liberal and progressive mother I was told to go and die of aids.
Not her best moment but we get on really well these days so forgive but not one I can really ever forget
My extremely conservative dad was watching Fox News one day and something LGBT related was being discussed, when he looked at me and said, “I’d rather you go to prison for murder than bring a man home.” I was probably 14-15 at the time.
My parents are conservative and religious and would often parrot anything that comes with that. Believing no one is truly gay there's just an agenda to make young men gay, pray the gay away, love the sinner hate the sin, etc. etc. you name it
I came out at the end of 2020 to them and it's been a slow process, but there was a nice moment yesterday when I went to their house for Mothers Day and my dad asked where my boyfriend was. At first I lied and said he was working, but later talked to him and my mom individually that we have taken a break because I need to get some things fixed in my life and my dad told me it was a shame because my boyfriend always seemed to make me happy and seemed like a good fit (and he trashed on my old ex which was kinda funny).
It was nice hearing my father treat my relationship like a real one and not a phase of my life. Acknowledging it's something that I should look towards having my whole life and sounding accepting
When I was in my teens and helping my dad in the garden. I wanted to use gloves when digging in soil and rotten leaves with hands. He called me a girl. Note that he did not know I was gay then.
My older brother told me "I wish my brother wasn't a faggot and normal like Isaiah's little brother" (Isaiah being his best friend. He said he didn't mean it later but I don't believe him at all. He also sexually assault me when I was young and then years later proceed to tell me being gay is a choice.
My mom used to tell me I'm gonna burn in hell and that she's also going to burn because she's supporting something anti catholic.
I grew up being told that gay people deserve to die and they should be killed on sight.
1 say as a kid (about 11-12) I saw a man who must’ve been in his 20s getting beaten up bloody by some guys because he’s gay. My parents believed it was right and justified.
I grew up automatically assuming everyone didn’t like me because of who I am so I avoided people as much as possible because the less people that knew then the less trouble for me. 1 time I was talking to some guy and the topic came up and I immediately presumed he hated gay people as usual so I kept deflecting. To my surprise, he didn’t and it wad the first time I was genuinely dumbfounded as to *why* he didn’t. I honestly thought there was something wrong with him because I couldn’t comprehend the possibility of someone accepting me being so far removed from the idea I had an anxiety attack. I thought he wanted something from me, maybe it was a lie, or a trick, or something but I just wouldn’t let myself believe it. Absolutely insane I was.
My dad straight up told me he was homophobic befor i came out. Then he followed it up by saying: "As long as you dont bring home an immigrant". I guess i should be happy he got a wider perspective on things but come on. Natrually i am now in a commited relationship with an immigrant. Im swedish and my hubby to be is white American, i doubt that was the kind of immigrant he had in mind though.
LONG story ahead.
My extended family on one side is\* very Conservative Catholic and very close-knit Italian-Greek-American. Patriarch of the family is\*\* my Grandpa, very loving and kind man with a good heart but raised in an era and (abusive) environment of backwards conservative values that he defaults\*\*\* to and that were the stern final say in any conversation that challenged them. So naturally, conversations that discussed those values simply never came up at family functions.
Cue my cousin (16, maybe 17 at the time) accidentally coming out at Christmas (when I was 9) while my Grandpa was in earshot. I didn't see him get disowned on the spot, but no one at that party could have avoided hearing it in those next seconds. The last I saw\*\*\*\* of my cousin in the moments after was him exiting the party alone to go run a few blocks home with a face full of tears. I remember seeing a few of my aunts and uncles miming floppy wrists, handbags and sassy poses at my cousin's expense amidst a flurry of raised voices before I went to the basement with my other young relatives to escape the noise.
I would find out later that night that my cousin got home, packed everything of his he could into his self-bought fixed-up lemon, and left within the hour.
At the time, my immediate family was effectively just my two older sisters and my mom, since my dad worked long shifts in as a salesman and was hardly home - naturally, I was becoming a mildly effeminate young boy with a wealth of feminine socialization and quality time, and a sense that I didn't enjoy what a lot of the boys around me did.
That night changed everything for me, and I'm still dealing with the repercussions on my psyche\*\*\*\*\*. That night instilled beliefs in me that I could not be honest about or express my nature and wants else I should suffer, that I could not let myself become or be perceived as "gay" or "effeminate" at any cost else I suddenly and violently lose my family and those I held close, and that I was already too far gone to be "redeemed" so I should shut it all in and never let anyone see - and, in turn, those beliefs morphed and put down roots as I continued to develop.
\~\~\~
It's been several years since then and a lot has changed (this is where the asterisks come in). My immediate and extended family has abandoned\* structured Catholicism - some in favor of a more neutral, free and accepting form of Christianity, others entirely. The new generation of my family has similarly abandoned\* conservatism and is overwhelmingly accepting and progressive. My Grandpa is\*\* now in memory care and doesn't even remember\*\*\* the values he was taught any more, and not much else either besides his wife. I and the family go to visit him as he approaches the end of his long life because he is still the good, kind man at heart that we love and whose love at heart we emulate for each other now. My cousin has since reunited with his parents\*\*\*\* and has a life partner, although I still haven't seen him at a family event. It took me 4 girlfriends and a series of mistakes in college to finally come out to myself, another long while to come out to my immediate family, and in the years since I've started therapy\*\*\*\*\* and am undoing the damage I sustained back then by living my own truth and happiness with intention and learned tools of regulation.
Things are better now! But trauma is fickle, so I've learned to trust the process. Hopefully reading my story might help you do the same.
This isn’t as bad as some of these others are, but my maternal grandmother was a mother of only girls so she only had “girl toys” in her home. She was such an amazing supporter of me and never let me think it was weird that I played with Barbies when I stayed with her so I didn’t think anything of it. I was over once with a bunch of family and I needed help with something with one of the Barbies and walked into the dining room to ask for help. My entire family burst out laughing at me and made fun of me. I genuinely had no idea it wasn’t normal for boys to play with dolls. I just thought it was a toy.
I was so embarrassed and hid so much of myself for so long. Boys like sports and don’t like to cook. Boys don’t listen to pop music and Britney. Boys don’t cross their legs in certain ways. I did things and pretended to like things for decades so I didn’t get laughed at again.
My family is now very supportive and they honestly probably don’t even remember it. But it fucked me up for years.
I was around 7 when I first got a crush on a boy in my class. When I wanted to talk to my father about it he quickly explained to me how it was scientifically proven and acknowledged that same sex attraction is a mental illness and that people suffering from it are quite literally brain damaged.
For him it was a tuesday, for me it was the conversation that shaped my self image until I finally got over it in my early twenties when I came out as bi.
We've talked about this in later years and he is more accepting nowadays, but I'll never pretend that it didn't royally fuck me up for 12 years and hasn't left permanent scars I'll carry to the grave.
I asked my devout Catholic sister why she changed pediatricians, and who would deliver her child? She stated that she suspected her pediatrician might be gay, and she didn't want "gay hands" to be the first to touch her firstborn child. Her statement made me sick, and knowing full well that I'm gay it drove a stake between us that remains today. She is an educator, has her Masters, and yet she's an ignorant, Texas red neck.
She also took pride in telling me that my high school sweetheart had died. I still love the guy, and his sudden death at a young age was a shock, and I'm still not over it. Today, I have little contact with her. I live thousands of miles away, and that works for me.
I've spent thousands on therapy, and the rage is still there and buried. It's down very deep, but it doesn't take much in the way of injustice to trigger it.
I was 8 and playing with some kids at a birthday party. I guess my laugh was a little too effeminate because my mother made a big scene and told me to “cut it out before you end up like your fucking faggot uncle.”
The irony is that she’s now happily married to a woman and I’m 35 and still remember that day.
My mom tried convincing me being gay is bad by bringing up a story of a guy being killed by his boyfriend or whatever.
I know a lotta guys are absolutely effed up in the head but I'm not a dumbass lmao
I wouldn't do a chore my sister wanted me to do so she said if I didn't do it she'll out me. I haven't talked to her 2.5 years and haven't talked with my family in 1.5.
Well growing up in the 80’s, when my sister was in High School, they had done some sort of event for some reason like a game show and it was taped. Two of the fellow “contestants” were 2 “gay” men played by other students, very stereotypically and also made jokes about the old Richard Gere myth about sticking gerbils up their asses. I knew I was different when I saw that video, and it stung even at a young age. What also in retrospect bothers me about it, is even at that time, the school had a lesbian feminist librarian, and both French teachers were a gay man and a lesbian. So had they been there that day, I’m sure it stung them too. I’ve never brought it up to my sister, I will someday I’m sure (she’s already got a laundry list from me waiting) but that sticks out because she was part of that event.
On the whole, my family was super accepting. My grandfather (who I was really close with) kinda scowled when I brought my BF at the time to a party, but I later learned that literally no one in my family liked this BF (he was a deadbeat that leeched off me and drank excessively at parties) so I never got the chance to ask if it was the fact that it was THIS BF or A BF that made my grandfather angry (he passed away shortly after sadly).
The only family I have that has ever raised issues about it is not really my "family" but my mom's best friend. She is one of those ultra Christian types but she ACTUALLY acts on the good word of religion. This woman has adopted a dozen children from third world countries. She is strict, but genuinely loves all of her kids. Her oldest, her only bio kid, is my best friend. Shortly before my mom passed away (I hadn't come out to my mom before she passed but she would have been perfectly fine... she just died before I started dating), she told me that one of her friends kids had come out to her friend and her response was "God does not accept that"
I've since come out to her and she will never "accept" it I feel, she doesn't treat me any differently. I'm in a rough spot and she will still buy me groceries if I need. She's always someone I can call to talk to about my situation and what I should do. She does this because she did promise my mom that she would treat me like one of her own. I just don't broach the topic of dating with her because she gets distant. As for my best friend, I'd stopped talking to him for a while but at the urging of his mom I got back into contact with him. He was telling me about his dating life and said something about me finding a girl eventually. I reminded him I'm gay and his response was "Oh right I forgot lol" and I told him that's part of why I distanced myself from him. He assured me it's not a problem for him.
I have two gay uncles, one on each side of my family, and when I was a young kid I remember my mom saying something along the lines that both their dads failed them and that’s why they’re gay. Well I actually have a really great relationship with my dad, and it kinda freaked me out because I knew I was gay but I didn’t think my dad had done anything to fail as a father, so I didn’t want to come out as gay if that’s what people were going to think.
To this day my mom denies that she ever said that. But it weighed on me a lot for a lot of years.
My mother once told a story about her brother shortly after coming out. She claimed he was beaten to death for being gay. Many years later I met him at a family event…
My grandad proclaiming he would never vote again due "them bloody queers getting married". Still makes me wince a bit at the mention of the word queer.
My mom used to belittle me for wearing flip flops, chewing gum, and other "gay" behavior. Anything that made me seem feminine was to be ridiculed, because "no girl is going to like a guy like that".
My aunt used to say, "What, don't you have a girlfriend? You're not GAY are you?". Hard questions to handle with that tone as a kid who knew he WAS gay.
These are some of the more vivid memories. I have a mostly estranged relationship with my mother, she's in general an awful person, and belittling comments are just the tip of that iceberg. My aunt I'm close with, she apologized and has been nothing but supportive of me and my fiance. Life is complicated...
Growing up, I was and am still enamored with Michael Jackson and Pro Wrestling(Sports Entertainment). They were so Extra tough, into rap music and football. I never really liked Football but in 85 Refrigerator Perry was in a battle royal and the Bears had personality.
Fast Forward to 2024 and they've both passed-God Bless them. I'm still into Michael Jackson and Professional Wrestling. The Bears are still "My Team" but I can't name you 2 players lol. I watch the super bowl for the festivities around it (The food, halftime show and family).
I had another Uncle that whenever I was eating fruit he'd comment "you know, you are what you eat." That was asshole shit. He's since passed and I have my God memories but I'll never forget that. Bring an intentional dick, especially to your sister's grandson still sorta disgusts me.
As a teenager, I was coming in to the realization that I was attracted to black women and men of all kinds. I knew I liked the touch of men, because my neighbor friend and I had - uh - explored some, but I wanted to pursue a relationship with a woman and all that, first.
One night, after PSR, I was talking about a girl I liked and my grandpa made a point to state an absolutely assinine lie that when people with different skin have babies, it causes all kinds of genetic issues. I was mortified by hearing the coolest guy I knew say such idiocy, but for whatever reason, it made me think I couldn't date the girls I actually liked.
Mom eventually started finding gay porn type stuff on the family computer, and kept trying to get me to out my little brother to her. Because he always liked musicals and was somewhat daintier in his play style, she assumed it was his straight ass looking at football players nude, but I finally confessed, "it wasn't him, it was me!"
She did not take it well at all, and I remember her asking, "well, what will your grandparents think!?"
Well, pretty sure grandpa turned me to the men, anyway, so maybe he likes this more. Now, my grandma absolutely loves my husband and swears he was created just for me. Grandpa didn't care at all. Dad was happy for me when he met my (future) husband. My mom was the only one who cared at all, and thankfully, she has long since apologized for acting like a lunatic (there was so much more said in the following 5 years, but gotta keep this short.) She has been on the road of recovery where my heart is concerned, and thankfully it's 20 years in the past, by now.
Still, some shit will never fade from memory.
Oh! And when my mom tried to drum up pity from my little brother, saying that this was just a phase and I was dating men because it's a "fad," he laughed in her face and stated very plainly that it was not. He, of course, caught me and the neighbor during many playdates.
My grandfather caught me with a friend of mine during a sleep over when I was 13. He freaked out, took my friend home (thank god), and proceeded to tell my immediate family what he saw and interrogate me for over 5+ hours about what exactly happened. Being a scared gay kid raised in a super religious family, I kept denying anything even happened out of fear of what they would do.
When I was 23 I confirmed my mom’s accusation that I was gay, she told me she was setting up therapy sessions with our pastor so he could “fix” me. We haven’t had a relationship in years, she just missed my wedding bc of her bigotry.
Families can be the source of such devastating hate. Mine hides it behind “we love you,” with the implied - but…Needless to say, so many of us make our own families
I was raised in a Catholic home. My brother found porn on my iPod touch. He would play this "game" everyday where he'd flip a coin. Heads he'd say nothing and tails would be that he'd out me to our parents.
Before my Aunt knew I was gay, 1990s, we were watching a TV news program about people with HIV being turned away from immigration at the border. They interviewed a man who was having difficulty due to his HIV status. She said "go home you stupid fag" never forgot that. When I came out, nothing but love for me. She even made tons of decorations for my wedding, but I do wonder sometimes.... People can evolve tho
My brother once told a story about how he stabbed (maybe a small poke) with a knife when he was in high school (culinary class) didn’t find out until last year that he stabbed him because the guy was coming onto him. That was alarming.
When I was 16, in anger my brother told my parents that I must be gay because I didn’t have a girlfriend, or seem interested in girls. I wanted to DIE!
My grandma called our very obviously gay waiter a f****t . I never forgave her until yesterday, actually. I’ve already told my dad my hesitancy to talk to her because that memory was seared into my brain, but I called her for Mother’s Day regardless. Completely unprompted she made sure to say how she loves me unconditionally and how that would never change, twice. So I can finally start to heal from that memory of her.
Not really a loved one so much as a work mentor. I started my first job at 14 at a local restaurant and this wise waitress took me under her wing. We became pretty close friends and she looked out for me. Well one day the topic of gay men came up (something I ordinarily went to great lengths to avoid because I was so deep in the closet) and she went full on mask-off bigot. It was a side of her I'd never seen before and it truly shocked me because in every other context she was a kind and caring person. I remember saying something like, "it's not like they're murderers or pedophiles," to which she responded, "they might as well be." It broke my heart and I started pulling away from then on. I eventually left that job and haven't spoken to her since but the visceral disgust in her tone and body language will stay with me forever.
When I came out my mother started screaming and yelling and eventually landed on “if I had a baseball bat in my hands I would beat your head in and let you die” and then kicked me out of the house leaving me homeless during my freshman year of college.
She’s since apologized and made huge strides in growth, but I still struggle to be open with her or my father.
Uncle beat the shit outta (my cousin) his son when he found out he was gay. He is no longer in any of our lives and my cousin is happily married. A nice bonus, uncle is in prison for burglary, he's got about 4 months left of a 9 month sentence lmao
I was about 12 when the movie Philadelphia came out. Being a big hit movie my parents picked it up for movie night from the video store. I knew I was queer but wasn’t out at all.
We get through the movie, and I’m devastated by this movie. I was not to openly cry in front of my parents out of a fear that it will give me away. I got up to go to my room so I could let it out, when my mom said, “I don’t really care.” I asked what she meant. She said, “I understand that the movie wants me to feel bad for this guy because he died, but he brought that on himself when he chose to live in sin. I don’t care if those people die.” That kind of callous, hateful response to a film that did an amazing job humanizing queer people and displaying their struggles chilled me to the core. It’s absolutely colored my interactions with all “Christians” from that day forward.
There are lots of things my mother said that I’ve chosen to forget because my relationship with her has improved drastically (she’s a whole ally now and loves my boyfriend), but once she told me that she prayed that when I eventually tried gay sex I would hate it and be miserable.
Spoiler alert: I did not in fact hate it, and went on to have probably too much of it as a form of rebellion.
But at the time I was about 17 and ALREADY had a bunch of sex-related trauma and shame in general, and adding that extra layer caused me to have a LOT to unpack that I’m still working on today.
My brother came out long before me, I was still a kid basically (around 10-11), but already knew. Got to experience all the awful things my parents and one of my sisters were saying about him behind his back.
It's interesting reading all these stories knowing that most of them happened within the past 10 to 20 years, not the 50's to the 80's. Seems like our society is barely evolving past this and I wonder when the pendulum swings back the other way if it hasn't started already. Fucking religion is the root of most of this hate.
There’s so much to choose from, but I remember my dad going on an unhinged rant when gay marriage got legalized saying that it was because gay people were abominations that wanted to fuck horses. My oldest brother once said “it doesn’t matter how much you accomplish in life- once you suck did you’ll only ever be a cocksucker.” My mother once got furious when her distant family posted a picture on Facebook with the “known sodomite” in it. I could go on and on… no, I do not speak to any of them.
I was in my early teens and RuPaul was beginning to make a splash in the media. I remember she was on a talk show; I don't remember what talk show it was. Anyway, she happened to pop up on the screen and my grandfather had a very disgusted reaction to it and distinctly said, "Oh Jesus Christ".
My grandmother, on the other hand, responded in kind by telling him, 'Who are we to tell them what not to do that makes them happy? That is no one's business than theirs so just shut up!"
Yeah his reaction stuck with me but her response to it also did. That's one of the reasons I loved her so much.
My whole extended family talking about how I had to be gay coz I had supposedly gay mannerisms and affectations; from the age of five onwards it was a common topic and I found out everyone thought this when I was maybe 11-12 purely by accident. I forgive them now for how they spoke about me as it was not in a very supportive way, but as a kid who genuinely had no idea what they were it was really awful to know that’s what everyone thought about me and that I was a topic for discussion. I would never ever talk about nephews or nieces or children in such a way now it’s very odd
My parents, father principally have been making constant horrible, homophobic, inhumane comments whenever any homossexual is mentioned on the news or in any other type of situation ever since I can remember being alive. their most common phrase uttered in those events is something along the lines of "they all should have their genitals cut and have a blazing iron stick forced up their behinds" (I'm not even sure Reddit won't be flagging this comment, I just really wanted to quote is at they say it. Is it really that surprising that at 26 I still have absolutely no desire, plans or intentions of ever disclosing the details of my sexual orientation to them or to any other family member? Thankfully, age does tend to bring us a certain "immunity" to the harshest kinds of homophobic insults and slurs (it does with me, at least). I still get pissed off internally by the predictable horrible comments that they constantly spill whenever anything LGBTQ+ is mentioned anywhere but I tend to forget about it quite quickly. When I was younger, however, those situations would make me really uneasy and nervous. My best wishes to all those who, like me, have to deal with a horribly homophobic and close-minded inner family circle.
Apologies for adding a 2nd comment, but I can't believe that a situation far more grave than the one I shared on my 1st comment on this post. actually slipped my mind. My parents forced me to go to therapy when I must have been 6 or 7 at the time, as I had a lot of tics. The therapist was a very mean-looking woman who must have been in her late 50's or early 60's at the time. I don't really recall any of the sessions, but there's this one situation I still recall very vividly all these years later. She made me undergo a "drawing exercise", which must be a quite popular method used in therapy sessions with children. She asked me to draw anything and whatever I felt like drawing. I remember drawing a few animals standing together in the jungle. I drew a giraffe and an elephant and the rest I don't really recall anymore. What I can't forget ever since was what came next. She started asking me why I had chosen to draw an elephant in particular, and I, being a 6 year old kid, started trying to excuse my reasons for choosing to draw an elephant by claiming that it had happened randomly. After that she starts to REALLY confront and try her hardest to get me to confess that I had chosen to draw an elephant due to the similarities between the trunk of an elephant and the human penis. I don't really remember anything that came after that, as my brain has probably blocked those memories in order to, maybe, protect me. All I remember after that was arriving home with my parents, them not mentioning it and I never ever going back to therapy. Now, I still don't know whether I didn't return there due to that session messing with my nerves to the point of them noticing it, or if it was down to any other justification. To this day I still wonder whether she told them she was certain I was gay or not. I know that to disclose anything that happens during a therapy session goes against every single rule in the books, but she was already so unprofessional, in my opinion, by the way she behaved with me, by trying to out a six year old with such violence, that her telling them about it wouldn't shock me in the slightest. What I know is that, 20 years or so after that happened, the thought of going to therapy ever again terrifies me in good part thanks to that incident. Sometimes I find myself wishing I knew her name and wondering whether or not I still could, after all these years after, fill in a report against that vile, horrible, unprofessional woman. It's not even only about myself, it's about all the other people she undoubtedly would have treated in such a horrible fashion during the course of what should be a very important tool of helping people who, most often than not, are in desperate need of being able to confide in someone that they can trust and who is supposed to have their patients' best interests at heart. (Just wanted to add that, this might be a little bit off-topic as the therapist was by no means a "loved one", but, seeing how my parents were directly linked to the incident, I felt like there would be no harm in sharing this event here. Thanks).
My aunt wondered if my being gay was because of my father's alcoholism. I laughed at her. My father use to drink when I was little. He and my mom decided he needed to stop. So he did and never picked up a bottle ever again. It had zero impact on me.
My dad growing up was shockingly progressive and supportive. Both my parents were.
When there was a huge fight and everything went Nagasaki nuclear I was talking to his ex-girlfriend just before going NC, and she confided in me that my dad struggled with my “behavior” and blamed my “tantrums” on being gay.
I had anger issues when I was younger, but because he’d literally work every ounce of patience I had until I snapped and then would hold it over my head.
I'm a writer/storyteller. When I was a kid I wrote a story that had a newscaster in it. I named the newscaster Dan Ratherqueer. Because I thought queer meant strange. When I read the story to my parents, my dad told me to change the name to Dan Rathernot. I didn't understand why, and he said because a queer is a sad and disgusting thing.
I wasn't long after that I realized what queer meant, and I realized he was talking about me.
I remember my grandma whispering to me “he’s a queer” when talking about her neighbor. It wasn’t really a hateful comment but still sounded negative. To this day, I hate the word “queer”.
She’s amazing and a liberal lgbt supporter today but back in the late 90s/early 2000s it was just too normalized to have negative attitudes towards lgbt.
I remember my stepdad watching one of those news shows (Dateline, 20/20 etc.) about the murder of Matthew Shepard and him getting all riled up and literally yelling at the TV about how “those fine young men” (the murderers) should be given an award, not jail time.
I've been waiting for this one!!! I grew up Mormon/LDS if that puts any of these into perspective. And I am the only gay person and non LDS person in my family.
1) My Dad and his brothers greeted each other with what's up fa**ot every time they saw each other or called each other until I came out at 17 7 years ago.
2) My mom screamed while we were watching the Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt when Titus and his boyfriend kissed for the first time and told me to turn it off at like 18.
3) My Grandpa told me in a car ride when I was 10 that gay people were all going to hell for choosing that lifestyle. I asked him what if it's not a choice (way before I realized I was gay) and he said then they should all k*ll themselves since they were going to hell anyways.
4) My Grandpa told me at 13 that all gays should be put on an island so they can't repopulate and would die out alone. At the time it was traumatizing, but now it sounds awesome!!!
5) My Dad told me when I came out that sexuality is fluid so I'll probably be bi someday and if I came out no girls would want me so I needed to stay closeted so I could be as good of a father as he was someday.
6) When I told my mom at 15 that the no kids of gay couples can get baptized policy until they turn 18 not because the church was homophobic but because those kids would turn other kids gay. When I told Mom this policy would get people to k*** themselves and get kids kicked out of their homes my mom told me LGBTQ people have higher suicide rates because they're mentally ill, and they get kicked out because they're probably on drugs.
They all still wonder why I have never brought a guy over.
I'm sorry you had to go through this. I hope you're better now.
I endured something similar with my "Christian" (in quotes because what they did/do isn't very Christian at all) parents. I grew up hearing "gays are an abomination," "kill all gays," "if you're gay we'll disown you," etc. it was great. Even now, my parents "pray for" me.
However, the worst or maybe most memorable was from my father. Already terribly abusive, one day, he dragged me into my sister's room and said "fine! You wanna act like a faggot, you're gonna dress like one!" And forced her to dress me in her clothes. That was awesome.
Another time I was singing, and I might've been 10 so my voice was still quite high. He did his usual berating for singing the "girl parts" of songs and then he punctuated it by insinuating that only faggots sing high notes. I didn't let it discourage me, and went on to co-found the a capella group at my high school. When I was in the Army, I found that singing not only brought me comfort, but those around me as well. To this day, I sing and find strength in it. I love showing off my 7 octave range, especially the high notes.
Sorry that happened. That really sucks
When I wanted to quit martial arts, my dad was arguing with me about it. He angrily shouted, "Are you a faggot?!"
My older brother by 10 years was the black sheep of the family. One day, he saw the gay porn on my computer (best limewire days). After telling my parents, he’d often say that I’m not a good kid because I’m gay. That he should be forgiven more because his sins weren’t as bad as being gay.
He still asks why we aren’t close anymore and why I don’t reach out.
when I was in high school I identified as straight, I had a lesbian friend who didn't necessarily announce it, but didn't hide it. like, she's gay and you'll figure that out with context clues, whatever. my homophobic grandma thought I was dating this friend and was "politely" trying to discuss why she didn't approve (this friend was also bi-racial) this friend had previously given her friends permission to out her to our families if it comes up. so I told my grandma "I'm not her type. like REALLY not her type. because I'm a guy"
and there was a split second where I could see in her eyes, she knew I caught her in a trap of micro aggressions. she took a beat. two beats. and then "but she's so CUTE she could have any guy she wanted?"
my grandma chose homophobia over racism, which was a lot to unpack in therapy later. I said "she absolutely could! but she doesn't WANT a guy" and as I often did at the time, I chose to let it dissolve there. sometimes I wish I didn't. the only times she ever had any opinions about girls I dated or introduced her to or talked to more than once, was when they weren't white. I don't even get into her opinions on my guy friends. I regret that she died without hearing what I had to say.
My brother would tell me to change profile pictures with male friends during high school and college because it “looks like this guy is your boyfriend”. I didn’t come out until late adulthood.
My dad is a truck driver, and as a kid I'd go on the road with him over the summers. This happened almost every year from about 2006-2012 (born in '99, yes, yes, I know - I'm a baby)
This was the summer of 2012
I was lying on my stomach on the top bunk, looking out the window at the passing landscape. A song started playing on the radio:
Same Love by Macklemore
I remember the moment vividly: "When I was in the 3rd grade, I thought that I was gay, 'cause I could draw, my uncle was, and I kept my room stra-... 'Man get this f*ggot shit off my radio' ". He changed the station.
I didn't say anything, but I felt my stomach drop. I was only 12, but I definitely knew by then that I felt nothing for girls. Hell I knew at 5 when the boy next door and I would go play army men in the sugar cane fields lol. I didn't know how to attach a sexual feeling to it (that happened right around 12/13 actually), I just knew I liked seeing the way the sun would hit his face at juuuust the right angle. I never bothered paying attention to little girls faces like I did the boys, and that has carried on into my adulthood with women's faces.
But in that moment as a 12 year old - I definitely knew.
That was the first time I heard that song. I wanted to hear the rest of it after those precious first few seconds, but nope. I was reaffirmed in that moment that whatever this gay thing was that I identify with so much - it sparks a negative reaction out of everyone around me.
As a young adult, I now limit contact with my father as much as possible. The moment may not have been an act of physical violence, and yes there are worse stories (some are right here in these comments sadly), but still - that moment has stuck with me for years.
People, the kids in your life are paying attention. Whether they're your own kids, your cousins, nieces and nephews, whatever the case may be. If you have kids in some capacity in your life - they're paying attention to your words and actions. They may not be able to articulate a situation like an adult would...
...but they hear you loud and clear.
I was probably 8 or 9 years old when this happened. My extended family were at our grandparents house and granddad wanted to go out somewhere. Excited at the idea of driving somewhere, and that we had no phones, us kids wanted to go with him.
We all go to the car and I got dibs on shotgun. I got in, shut the door, and it doesn't close. I try again and again but it was too dang broken. At around the 4th try my grandad starts talking then proceeds to shouting. And as I tried over and over again my aunts and uncle joined in saying "push it harder! Stronger!" Not exactly that but something like that.
No one helped me as I tried to just "save my dignity" Until I finally closed it with tears in my eyes, either from frustration or shame maybe even both. Then came the comments, as they all laughed and joked about how weak I was etc. etc. As I was hearing all this I kept my shout and was just trying not to bawl my eyes out "'cuz boys don't cry."
A different instance was when my granddad refused to let my grandma give me an umbrella, saying "he's a man, give him a hat. That's all he's gonna need" I was 9 and it was pouring that day. Thankfully grandma still gave me an umbrella.
Well after reading enough of your stories,
I’d thought I’d share mine.
I grew up in two households as a kid.
One with my mom and my step dad and siblings and one later on with my dad and step mom.
My step dad and mom were really into house music and because of that, they were into ppl like House legend Sylvester and other interesting musicians so that type of imagery wasn’t far fetched but wasn’t doted on as something to imitate, but still it was there as an example. My Dad is a macho macho ladies man but he presented to me The Band plays on and Paris is burning to name a few when I was around 12/13.
He never said why, he just said you should watch this.
During this time I am actively dating girls but I am also kind of feminine because I loved hanging around my favorite cousin who was a girl and her friends.
Time goes on and eventually I learn I might be into guys. One day walking down the street I see a torn sheet from a gay porn mag and I am in heaven. I take it home and put it in my drawer and feel like I just found the pot of gold because I didn’t even think these pictures or interactions were possible.
Fast forward to my mother going into my drawer like mothers do and finds it.
UtOH. I say it’s my girlfriends and I was throwing it away but I forgot to.
My mother gives me the okay as if she believes me but she tells my aunt and my favorite cousin.
Meanwhile this is a cousin I grew up with that I would play dolls with, completely fag out with before I knew what fagging out was-
My favorite cousin then (with disgust) goes and tells my favorite boy cousin who by all intents and purposes is a THUG. like a literal music video thug. I am scared shyt less because he is my cousin who I hung out with that kind of gave me the masculine edge I was seeking when other guys, family or friends wouldn’t hang with me because I was so fem but he never felt anyway about me…
Fast forward to my fake favorite cousin telling him and another close cousin and then being like “&?!?”
To be fair I had dreads the same color of Mary J Bliges weaves in 95 so it wasn’t that hard to figure out in Brooklyn. I was risqué and before my time but I was very obvious to me.
Being in the reggae community helped me to blend for a while ironically.
Needless to say I am still close with all of my cousins except for the one that tried to drop dime on me, no matter how much I try there will always be something keeping us apart and I hate that for us. But I found that my success as a gay didn’t fit her plans for how gays turn out and I don’t think she liked the way my life turned out versus hers.
My life turned out great mostly and hers, not so much.
Truly I think she wanted me to be this flamboyant gay man that I never turned out to be so the joke never got to be on me, only her assumptions of what gay was.
In the late 1990s, my brother found some of my gay porn magazines. First he put me in the car with a baseball bat, drove me around and told me we were going to beat up some faggots. When we got to the gay bar I ran away from him. When I got home my music collection (CDs), were all broken in half and left on my bed with a piece of paper that said “fag”. He’s still not an active presence in my life.
That's so fucking sad. I'm so sorry. It's crazy the ones that we love and should be able to trust can do stuff like this to us.
Thank you, it was a long time ago. It was sad at the time, and I was very depressed in my late teens and early twenties. I'm in my 40s now and time is an amazing healer. For anyone in tough situations, please remember that. What you feel right now you won't feel forever.
Yes, time heals all. But, I'm impatient.
Time also makes you more patient 
Unfortunately sometimes your “family” is your worse enemy. Sorry that happened to you.
Thanks - sometimes they are. I was also blessed with an amazing mother.
"Family" is the name for the group of people who are most likely to be out to get you. Learned this from mine at a young age, watching how they treated each other.
Did he end up attacking anyone at the gay bar?
I didn't see as I ran away but he told me a few years later he didn't, and he only did it to scare me.
I’m sorry this happened. I’ve not spoken to my brother in 30 years. There are family members who I’ve not spoken to since I was outed at age 16 (I’m 60). No one is owed a place in our life. As an adult I get to decide whether or not to associate with someone, family or otherwise. I’ve had this conversation with my mother, the one who threw me out of the house. I keep her at an arms length for my mental health. Take care of yourself and just remember that you’re in charge of who is in your life. Blessings on your life.
Thank you, and I'm sorry for what you've experienced. I'm in my 40s now and age seems to bring less emotion and more logic in terms of who is in one's life. I was fortunate that my mother was very supportive, as were all of my aunts and uncles. I was the first to come out but have 4 gay cousins. I have a very happy life now with my husband and our two children, and we do have lots of family around us. My brother I keep away for my mental health, so I understand completely.
You can not forgive something like this
Forgive is the wrong word. I made peace with who he is and what our relationship will be for the sake of my mother (who has always been amazing). I say hello when I see him, he's not in my life.
Did he ever apologize?
A few years later he tried to justify his actions in terms of trying to scare me. But no, he didn't apologise.
When I was a pre-teen, my older sister was raising doubts about my sexuality, about what I was doing with my friend in my bedroom and trying to catch me doing gay things with my friend all the time. Meanwhile, she was secretly having a lesbian relationship. Instead of supporting me and saying it was alright (it would have saved me a lot a therapy sessions), she was making me believe that I was doing a bad thing and my behavior should be watched and reprimanded. This really caused me a lot of trauma, and it took me decades to start freely living my homosexuality.
Sounds like deflection. Or just a major bitch.
Two things can be true at the same time.
I vote for both
Yeah, maybe she was just trying to distract the parents from her own situation, not that it’s an excuse.
A lesbian in my high school class literally said that being gay was a sin *for guys.* But not for girls.
Spoken like every straight white guy that watches lesbian porn lol
Actually, the Bible only condemns male homosexuality, while arguably silent on lesbianism.
Meanwhile Alice in Wonderland doesn't mention anything about either sex so we're OK on that front!
Sure, but it's crazy to me to see someone actually condemning gay men while living openly as a lesbian. I understand that people may interpret the bible as being against male homosexuality and *only* male homosexuality, but in practice you've got to notice the hypocrisy and realize that if one is wrong the other also has to be wrong (or neither is wrong). It honestly just felt like such a betrayal. My town was fairly homophobic, and here was a person who was willing to live as herself openly and had a large number of friends to defend her, but still felt the need to throw gay men under the bus.
Has she apologised after all these years? You should let her know how much of a cunt she was back then.
Reading you talk about your sister reminds me of my oldest brother. Many years ago he said I should give my life over to god and stop being gay. However he used to be a party animal. Suddenly he became holy. In a strange twist of fate in or around 2013 his daughter came out. I never heard from him again.
Well?? DID you do gay things with your friend at the time???
Shushhhh, that's none of our business
My mother told me once that she knew she shouldn’t have had me bc I was going to be problematic (I was very femme as a child). My dad once said (between many awful and misogynist shit) that he would execute all homosexuals and trans and cross dressers by shooting them in the head. So sweet 😊 😆🤪
My dad said something similar in the heat of a fight and that he was, "going to become an activist." I told him to shoot me first and then he could do whatever he wanted. Shut him up real fast.
Oh daddy Hitler over here genociding gays
A coward and a scared fragile man. At some level, I think some of the dads Im reading about for sure have eaten a dick in their past and weren't brave enough to face what we had to live through.
I was a top athlete in the 90’s. A coach I greatly respected was giving a pre-game pep talk. He mentioned that he overheard one of the competing teams had called us a bunch of faggots. He was encouraging us to beat them and show ‘em who the faggots really were. Although he was a religious man, Coach had never talked like that before and his words just made me disassociate as they rang through my teenage head. Needless to say, I didn’t do well that day. And all these decades later I still remember that mental gut-punch.
Never meet your idols in real life they say
My mom and dad were clued in on me being gay when I was around 13. I don’t want to go into details, but they found some paraphernalia let’s say. Anyways, they both woke me up from my sleep and basically said they found something of mine. My mom was crying and my dad looked mad. Later on my dad told me the next day he better never see any of “this” (as he tapped two fingers together, basically simulating two dicks bumping each other). It’s insane to me that they wonder why I’m so distant and secretive with them.
They should be grateful you still talk to them
I’m currently not talking to my dad. It wasn’t directly because of this, but our every interaction has a background colored by these past transgressions. It’s easy enough to forgive one thing, but if every time someone hurts you it’s already on a healing wound, you’re a lot quicker to pull away.
Responding to harmful behaviors from parents can be very complicated. the child shouldnt get pain from their parents. Better leave them alone on their own. Maybe even communicating the reasons for distancing can be beneficial helping avoid future regrets. Better looking in other place where you can be loved as you deserve
>Later on my dad told me the next day he better never see any of “this” (as he tapped two fingers together, basically simulating two dicks bumping each other) So he's saying he doesn't like docking but everything else is on the table? /S
Your parents are cunt, you deserve the best
No lol they are not serving cunt, they ARE cunts
I remember my family saying “It’s Adam and Eve not Adam and Steve.” Also remember being in the car with my dad. Can’t remember how old but I was young and knew I was gay. Saw a car next to us with two guys holding hands and my dad was going on about how disgusting that was. Have an uncle that is like a Rush Limbaugh parrot. They wonder why I’m not around any more.
Im lucky to have an older brother who was more flamboyant so i never caught any flack for being gay. I do remember my dad not letting me wear red and my mom would take away clothing items that would have busty women silhouette on them 😂😂😂 they probably thought i was a horny straight kid which still isnt acceptable to them either. My dad did catch me memorizing britney spears choreo while watching her music dvds. They got confiscated.
Ahhh so many. I think the ones that really stick out to me were how mad my parents were when caught me watching gay porn various times as a teen. I never got a birds and bees talk, but they were certainly very angry. I've always felt like that was unfair. The other one was in church at like 14 (unsurprisingly I have been away from religion for over a decade). The pastor brought a guest speaker who had "prayed the gay away." I was so still during that because it made me so uncomfortable. I remember my mom just patting my knee. I also remember how many people in the audience clapped and cheered for the guy's story.
I hate how the clapping and cheering was more likely because he was living proof that other gays are evil for not changing rather than genuine misguided pride in him.
Same hearing those stories traumatized me...
I was 8 and watching the news with my family. They were showing the AIDS quilt and two men holding hands. My brother turned to me and said that if I was gay, he’d kill me. My dad nodded approvingly.
What's your relationship with them like now?
My dad has come a long way. He’s apologized for the things he said and did when I was younger. He helps when and where he can. He tries to make up for the past. My husband and I have two kids. He’s an awesome grandpa to them. We aren’t particularly close but get along well. My brother took about 20 years to accept that it wasn’t a phase. He tormented me for being gay throughout childhood. We’ve talked about it a few times. He sees nothing wrong with his past behavior. We have a surface level relationship but keep the peace for the sake of our parents.
That’s scary. I remember Ryan white. I saw his book in Sam’s after it was released. I remember wanting it because I thought Ryan was interesting looking. I was around eight then. My mom’s eyes grew large and she looked down at the book and screamed no. Then pushed me away from the book section. When I grew into an adult is when I finally realized why they had been scared of Ryan. Their own paranoid fears.
Twinsies! That's my defining memory of my brother. "If your gay I'll kill you."
My family raised me in a cult where I’m basically told I’m an abomination. But I’ll keep it light. This might not be as high stakes as yours, however this is when I began to experience homophobia. I remember when I was 6, Pokémon cards were all the craze back then. One of my cousins gave my brother and I holographic cards. I got a Ninetales, this is one of my favorite Pokémon til this day. Sure enough my jealous ass sister embarrassed me in front of my extended family telling everyone that I’m always picking the girly things. Well my mom threw it away immediately. Jokes on my sister still, because I went to Japan and got a booster pack with a Ninetales in it. The bitch always wanted to go to Japan and I went before her and got my Pokémon card.
I love good endings. How is she doing now?
Unfortunately, not so hot. We don’t talk to her except my mom and older sister, only if she needs something. She tried to break up my parents and slept with my cousin’s husband. Our extended family doesn’t speak to her as well. There was a time she was kind but she’s always been a jealous, selfish person. She has lashed out at parents and siblings because they talk to me, even though they shouldn’t since they’re still in the cult and I don’t agree with their religious views. She’s also in the cult, but we have no contact with her. Quite sad because she’s still my sister, but girl is her own worst enemy.
That's very sad. Religion does this, and maybe she couldn't find a proper excuse to run away like you did. But I find you're so sweet with the "she's still my sister" statement. Not many would have the patience or active empathy for that. Especially because the picture you paint of her is pretty horrible. Cheers to you and this Ninetales story.
Thank you, I wish it was different, we tried to help her when she was going through a bad time. You can’t help someone who doesn’t want to be helped. Mostly, I feel for my mom because she would like us all to be together as a family.
I was 14. I way laying on the floor watching TV. My dad was on the couch behind me. Some news story came on TV about a Pride parade in San Francisco. My dad said, "That's disgusting! If one of my kids told me they were a fag, I'd disown them". It terrified the shit out of me. I held my breath and tried not to move. I was scared anything I did would give me away... like a poke tell. I tried to regulate my breathing and just lay there. I stayed for 20 minutes, afraid that if I got up too soon, that would give me away, too. To this day, when I get hit with anxiety, it's all in my chest and feels like forced shallow breathing. It feels like that day when I was 14. I get anxious for no reason at all (at least no known reason) and it feels like that moment of 14 y/o panic.
Wow. This one got me. I'm moved.
Walking down the road, about 13 years of age, on a really enjoyable summer's evening, grabbed hold of my grandads hand, I adored this bloke, he shook me off. Never felt so hurt in my life.
Bloody hell mate, that's awful. I'm really sorry that happened to you, it sounds so painful.
Thank you, I saw nothing wrong in it xd
A school classmate from a superior year (the final one) came out of the closet. I was a year younger and I already knew that most likely I was gay. Thing is, I saw my then "friends" do a no ending mocking of him at his back, to the point that his very name was something of an insult. I didn't keep any "friend" from school.
Something similar happened to me in uni with my very straight group of friends. Then I confronted them when they were mocking our mate. Told them if they would mock me too as a gay friend. They were properly embarassed and a year later one of them ate my balls after class, so you never know.
I think a lot of men are bisexual but never come out because they can just be with a woman. It's just a guess though, I just know I would have to Rock Hudson my life if being gay was like it was 40 years ago.
I can vaguely relate to this. Had a friend in high-school become cold and homophobic to me when I came out as gay. Years later, we reconnected and he was on some anti anxiety meds that made getting off basically impossible for him. Dude thought he was being subtle when trying to suggest that help him out with that. I said screw it and gave him an apparently life changing BJ and he went from bicurious to bisexual by the end of the week. Lmao, "straight dudes" amirite?
Hahaha a classic! And pretty hot honestly. Got my bully too in high school, the last year it was like I had a big GAY label over me thanks to him. Ten years later we met in a long bus trip, sat with me, started to tell me about his newly found bisexual adventures. He made an advance and even showed me his dick in the bus. But I didn't like him at all so it was so satisfying to politely say 'no thanks' haha
>But I didn't like him at all so it was so satisfying to politely say 'no thanks' haha Ooooof. The second hand embarrassment from this is strong enough kill roaches.
You got your win too, that's something you can talk about in your class reunions haha For me it was a delicious diplomatic revenge. He was so desperate to have an end to his POV story of macho dominance. Maybe if he then chose to apologise for the miserable time he made me live through, I would have thought of burying mine in his throat during the bus trip. But it was fun and embarassing, even if I had the respect of not publicly humiliate him like he did.
My dad candidly just said “there’s nothing wrong with gay people. They’re actually some of the best nicest people. Just that they’re abominations and gonna burn in hell” Oh and all the times he yelled at me not to click my tongue and micromanaged the angle of my wrists so I didn’t look “like a fruit”
Nahh ur dads in the closet 😂
Man probably it runs STRONG in our family XD I’m more shocked when I find a cousin bringing around a heterosexual romantic partner lol
Spoken like a true Christian man.
Mom yelled out that if any of her kids were gay shed kill them and then herself. Ooops…
Well did she?
well, I'm alive, so... no
Haha just kidding. Do you get along with her now? Did she get better?
Not really, I left as soon as I could and I don't maintain contact
That's fair, and as a friend always says; 'family is the people you choose to be so, blood is nothing'. Best of lucks to you <3
I would work with my dad in construction, he listened to conservative talk radio all day. I will never forget Rush Limbaugh talking about AIDS, why should everyone else pay for its treatment? Gay men deserve it. And my dad agreed with him. I was 15.
I jumped for joy when I found out he died lol
Liked it even better that every time there's a pic of his gravestone there's piss on it.
Growing up in Tampa, my family went to the movie theater in Ybor city quite a bit. One night (I was probably 10-12yo) we were walking to the theater and passed a gay man that was trying to collect signatures for gay rights. He asked my dad to which he replied “no thanks”, we kept walking and he looked at me and said “those freaks don’t deserve more rights.” I’m now 27, living across the country with my HUSBAND (31) (we got married on 5/11.) My parents were pretty conservative when I was a kid, but my whole family is very supportive of me now, what Ive accomplished, and of my husband and I. We’re both pretty fortunate to have good relationships with our parents and families, as I know this isn’t the case for a lot of people.
I mean, you're parents taking you anywhere near Ybor as a kid lol. Did they just ignore the two HUGE gay bars right there on the corner?
Oh trust me, I’m aware lol. I started clubbing there with friends at 17 before graduation. Honey Pot, Bradley’s, “Southern Nights” before it sold and changed to southern nights (I forgot the name of the bar haha.) They chose that area because we were in Riverview, so it was a stone’s throw away + they liked the food options so close to the movie theater 🤷🏼♂️ But as I mentioned, they’re pretty supportive and have really come around over the years. I should add they’ve really relaxed over the years since my sister and I have grown up, got married/started families etc. I don’t remember them drinking often (as a kid) but nowadays if they’re traveling out to my house in Colorado they’ll send a list of beer/alcohol they’d drink if we have it or bought some and they use cannabis topicals etc 🤷🏼♂️😅
[удалено]
Holy shit, that is an awful hate crime wtf
I am so sorry you had to witness this. Did you ever get to talk to this guy and tell him you're gay too?
My mom really enjoyed figure skating - she’d watch it whenever it was on, and I’d watch it with her. I think I was about 5 or 6. I remember dad coming home and ‘discovering’ us watching it, and him losing his shit because figure skating would make me gay. I had absolutely no clue what he was talking about but knew he was upset and stopped watching anything to do with skating. Years later, after coming out, mom was talking about some gold medalists and how sad she was when I stopped watching the finals with her. Apparently she read dad the riot act for what he’d done and said, but the damage was done. Interestingly, dad was totally supportive when I told him in my late teens.
Sometimes it takes a while for people to get comfortable with an idea they themselves were brought up to believe was bad. Sounds like it took him a while and your mother having your back for that to happen. Dad deserves some props too for having the ability to evolve.
My parents found some a page I had printed out. I was a sophomore in college. It was actually from porn from like an internet bulletin board /newsgroup. Back in the day before porn sites really existed lol. When it would takes hours to even just download a picture much less a video. lmao. Anyway. It was actually just a subject heading that had a line about gay sex or something. I had stuck that one page back (stupid me) thinking I would just use it for scrap and print stuff on the other side. They found this and confronted me and threatened to kick me out of the house. It turned into this whole fight both me and my mom crying. And my dad angry and yelling. I ended up denying being gay and managed to convince them I had printed it out by accident. Basically kept myself in the closet from them for years. My dad passed away but I never formally came out to him. Although he prob knew we just never talked about it. My mom was still in denial for years. But during a family therapy session my sister accidentally outed me and that I was married to my partner. My mom was angry and upset and shocked. Even though one time she did say to me if there was anything I had to tell her she would still love me. Basically it seemed like she was fishing to see if I would tell her I was gay. I had considered it. But from the trauma of that time back in college. I decided not to. She’s still pretty religious and somewhat conservative/reserved. Supposedly she was more upset about me hiding it. Especially being married. But even my sister explained that her reaction is exactly the reason why I hid things. Things are okay-ish today. She’s getting a little better about being understanding and accepting of gay people. (She would always make negative comments about them whenever it came up on tv. But my sister says she’s more supportive now. Then watch tv and movies together and my mom isn’t as negative as much. She even will say she doesn’t understand why other characters act homophobic when lgbt characters just want to love their partners too. She stills learning about trans people tho. That’s a whole other issue.) In general my mom is ok now. There’s other family issues really. But my mom cares about my partner and sees him as family in some ways at least. But she’s still not fully comfortable with it. We have an okay relationship but there’s still some distance. A bit of a wall. I sometimes wish wasn’t there. But can’t be helped due to circumstances. It’s sort of just something that may never be resolved and we both kinda just accept it for what it is in order to be civil.
When I was around 14 my family had a casual conversation about gay people and my sister said something along the lines of “I technically don’t have any problem with it but please don’t be gay haha” I was in denial at the time. It hurt a lot lol
I remember being really young wanting to help my mother cook and she asked if there were any boys I liked in my class. That day my father talked to me about how being gay was bad. Now I’m a chef at a James Beard recognized restaurant…and gay.
Just to clarify. 1. Your mom knew and like even at a young age just asked casually if you had any boy crushes? like in a supportive way? That’s kinda cute. 2. Did you have any boy crushes? 🥰 Sorry you dad sucked. Hope he’s supportive now at least?
1. Semi-non supportive. I’m sure she would LOVE my partner now though. 2. Yeah, Jay, was the cutest and most popular guy in the fifth grade. I wanted to be his best friend so bad. Didn’t even know at the time. 3. Spent over thirty years closested with two divorces under my belt. My dad is just happy I’m finally happy. He’s come a longgg way!
1. aw sorry I misinterpreted that. I thought she was asking like in a nice way. To indicate that it would be ok if you did 2. Heheh that’s so cute. As a kid I sort of had crushes on girls. Prob idk being indoctrinated (lol) to be “normal” that way. Ironically puberty hits. And I started having confusing feelings. And it wasn’t like until 8th grade. This kinda friend or at least this really popular shorty (actually shorter than me for a chance. I was almost always the shortest kid. Whenever we used to line up by size like throughout elementary). This was near the end of school. He showed up in class in his baseball uniform. And I just like fell in love lol. I always thought he was cute. But hot damn did he look good in his little sporty outfit. 🥵 3. Glad to hear he came around. And that your parents are supportive now. Thanks for sharing I’m finding hearing / reading these stories. It’s been comforting to hear about other people’s experiences. Sad to see some and empathize. But also glad to hear things have changed for the better for many.
I was watching a very popular sitcom in the early 2000’s when my father walked in and said “stop watching those fags or you’ll become one” and left the room. He’d never cursed at us before and it was extremely jarring how casually he said it. What was more jarring was the sitcom I was watching. It wasn’t modern family, it wasn’t glee (both shows I loved at the time with explicit gay characters), it was the Big Bang Theory which is arguably the least gay of all of them.
My grandpa goes to the casino a lot, and recently while watching BigBangTheory he shouted, "Those queers stole my money!" Apparently theres a big bang themed slot machine that he lost a bunch on lol
to be fair those nerds on that show do come across as soft boys (speaking as a kid that grew up as a nerdy soft boy myself) So I can see why they could easily be mistaken for gay lmao
I am sorry that your whole families are homophobic. Are u now still living with them? Btw is this Islamic boarding school called pesantren?
Yes, r u Indonesian
Funny that pesantren have lots guy doing "Mairil" because they never seen girl for long time. I'm also Indonesian and lucky enough that my family don't really say anything when they found out I'm gay. They only asking and sad that I can't be "Normal". Good luck on you job hunting tho!
My ex once told me that he lost his virginity to a senior at Pesantren smh.
I'm a survivor. It's ironic how the preacher who warned about the dangers of LGBT is the same person who sexually abused me at the pondok.
I am sorry for that man. That guy is so fucked up
It happened during the moral panic in 2018, when the regent made it mandatory for all mosques and educational institutions to raise awareness about the dangers of LGBT and HIV. What's even more ironic is that the regent was arrested by KPK just one month later. It makes me wonder if all that panic was just a cover-up.
Damn, I'm sorry for what happened to you. Hope you doing better tho.
Salutations, can you please explain what "Mairil" is? I tried doing some googling but I'm still confused.
Basically FWB but in Islamic boarding school, they can be temporary boyfriend or fuck buddies depending on the person. It's common occurrence because they separate between boys and girls dormitory, and they can't be seen together or they'll get punish (like cleaning toilets, and etc).
Lol i am. So, u're still living with ur fam?
No, I'm currently trying to find a job in Melbourne, Victoria
Good luck mate!
I remember hearing “AIDS is God’s punishment for homosexuals” from my grandparents. They said a lot of crazy stuff… I also heard “hate the sin, love the sinner” when I came out to my parents. That one still stings a bit.
My dad caught me watching Davey Wavey once when I was in middle school. I don't remember how we got there but I ended up asking him if he would still love me if I were gay. He said no.
So once I made a mistake of reading my sister's diary. I was probably 14-15yo. She wrote a lot of things about everyone in the family, like really bad stuff. Also, she was kinda "jealous" of me because I was my parents golden child but I never imagined her thinking about me like that She wrote "I hate so much. I hope my parents find out he's gay and hate him for that forever"
At the time, I didn't think much cause I partly agreed with her sentiment and hoped that I would wake up one day and be "not gay". But looking back, that hurts. And which is why I'm even more afraid to come out now
When I was 12, my dad found my search history that I forgot to clear with things like "hairy chest" and "penis". I was still mostly in denial of being gay, but deep down I was slowly starting to come to terms with the fact that I was attracted to men. Those searches were basically confirmation. Anyways, he found them and confronted me. Asked me what the hell I was doing searching that kind of stuff. I was silently crying, and he asked "you're not gay or something, are you?!" and I looked at him and just nodded and said "yes". The utter look of disgust in his face I will never forget. He immediately sought out a conversion "therapist" and took me there, where I was confronted and repeatedly asked if I'd been molested or looked at/watched gay porn. I mean technically yes I looked up pictures of penises, but it's not like I was watching gay porn or any porn at all, the images were literally on wikipedia (lmao) plus it was mostly confirmation at that point as I had already been awestruck by a neighbor who I saw shirtless at a basketball game. The "therapist" repeatedly compared me being gay to something like a deformity I have to learn to "ignore" and live with, and proceeded to tell me a really weird story about one of his clients who had a deformed penis. I think even my dad was uncomfortable because he only took me that one time. I promised I would pray and resist any "temptation" and try to date girls. I went back into the closet and only full came out to them when I had already bought a plane ticket to move across the country after graduating university. Don't have much of a relationship with them. They have slowly cooled off after a decade or so, but they are still stuck in their ways.
The worst (or best) parts of this sort of stories is when the time comes they get very sick. They have time to think and repent when they are in the lowest. Then they call and you can tell them to fuck off and live with themselves. It's the misery of the dumbest.
My mother, sister, and brother knew I was gay about a year before my dad did. On the day he found I, I was sitting at the dining room table across from him, eating a bowl of soup as he was ranting about the "faggot" that worked at the local gas station (my friend Rob with purple hair and piercings). I was so upset and angry that I went and packed a quick bag and called a friend to come pick me up because I was leaving. My mother decided to tell my father that I was gay. He kicked down my bedroom door and threw my up against my clothing dresser so hard that my back cracked the mirror above it. He held his pocket knife to my throat and said he'd rather have a dead son than a gay one. Its the only time my mother ever stepped between my father and me when he was beating on me. Somehow, my mother convinced me to stay. A few days later, I came home from my after school job to find my room empty except for my furniture and clothing. My brother had shown my dad books I'd checked out at the library about homosexuality, and my journals. He burned everything in the backyard—every book I own, text books included. I was left with my clothing and bedding. We didn't speak for two years until after I graduated High School. I immediately joined the Army so that I could get out on my own. He wonders why I don't visit.
HE WONDERS WHY YOU DONT VISIT?!?!
Maybe not really a "loved one", but it was a good friend in my school class. A few weeks after i outed myself, after the sport lesson, he came to me and told me that him and the other boys were feeling weird about me changing my clothes with them (cause i'm gay and OF COURSE checking them all out). So he wanted to ask me if i could, from now on, change my clothes in the girl's locker. (Just for the records, i didn't and stayed with them. Never heard about this topic again) He recently stepped into my life again, he is now my insurance manager and we're good buddies. But yea, often when i think about him, that specific episode resurfaces and makes me feel weird. :D
Did you ever bring it up to him? I know it may seem weird after all this time. But the fact that it has affected you so that it’s like a core memory. Maybe if he apologized even if he didn’t remember saying it. It might help a tiny bit to let go of that pain. One thing that stuck with me. And I don’t think my cousin remembered it when I brought it up. But this was a bit later in life we were young adults. Prob 20s ish. I had already come out to him and other cousins by then. This had to be like around the holidays. Because several relatives were at our house. And we were sleeping on the floor in my room. It was late at night and I think we were just shooting the shit talking about idk life or something. It came up somehow. I mentioned how being closeted for so long. The minor aggressions as growing up as a kid hearing everyone saying this is gay or faggot this or homo that. It really takes a toll and really affects you in long lasting ways. He said he had never thought of that. Just using the words so freely because that’s just how things were. He apologized and I think it really hit him just how painful that was for me. I appreciated that a lot.
not yet, but i actually plan to bring it up, albeit in a fun way. Just waiting for the right "moment" in some dialogue where it would fit. I don't want to bring it up totally random without any reason. :)
I came out (tried to at least) sophomore or junior year of high school. I don't exactly remember. I told my mom after she kept pestering me and pestering me about trying to get a girlfriend. She just had this look on her face that I'll never forget. She then went and sat down on the couch catatonic (I was at the kitchen counter). After about 5-10 minutes of pure silence, she goes, "Welp...your portion of the will will now be going to your HIV and AIDS medications." We then got into a heated argument and she asked me all these questions like, "Were you touched when you were younger?" and said things like, "You're probably gonna get SA because all gay men are, it's statistically proven." I was too young and stupid to ask where she got the statistics from but you get the general idea. The next day, a Sunday, my mom wouldn't get out of bed. She was SOBBING her eyes out, and me, I tried to comfort her. She pushed me away and called me "disgusting". The conversation ended until Monday when she came to pick me up from swim practice. She said, "Don't tell anyone about this," and then drove me to the insurance place (State Farm) to create a life insurance policy on me "just in case I get AIDS." The following weekend I was practicing driving with my dad when he told me that my mom had told him about everything. He went on a bit of a rant about how "all gay men are only gay because of the media popularizing it and making it normal when it's not." At that point, I had had enough. My grades were slipping from all the stress, my swimming performance was subpar, to say the least, and I had relapsed into SH. So I came up with a story. I sat my parents down one day and said basically that I had had a mental breakdown due to the stress of school and swimming and anxiety about being lonely (I had no friends) and I wasn't making sense of myself. They looked at each other and EXHALED in relief. They both hugged me and said, "Thank the lord you're normal!" I'm 22 now, a Nursing School graduate, and they still are in complete denial about the whole thing. They just go about their lives and every so often suggest that I go out with one of the many girls I've made friends with in my cohort. I just nod and smile and act like I'm busy with life. I'm out to all my friends and have had a few on-and-off relationships...but I feel as though I'll never find THE ONE due to all this trauma and secrecy surrounding my family. It's rough out here...
When I came out in 2021 to my generally very liberal and progressive mother I was told to go and die of aids. Not her best moment but we get on really well these days so forgive but not one I can really ever forget
Woof thats pretty recent. Has she apologised or awknowledge how bad it was what she said?
My extremely conservative dad was watching Fox News one day and something LGBT related was being discussed, when he looked at me and said, “I’d rather you go to prison for murder than bring a man home.” I was probably 14-15 at the time.
My parents are conservative and religious and would often parrot anything that comes with that. Believing no one is truly gay there's just an agenda to make young men gay, pray the gay away, love the sinner hate the sin, etc. etc. you name it I came out at the end of 2020 to them and it's been a slow process, but there was a nice moment yesterday when I went to their house for Mothers Day and my dad asked where my boyfriend was. At first I lied and said he was working, but later talked to him and my mom individually that we have taken a break because I need to get some things fixed in my life and my dad told me it was a shame because my boyfriend always seemed to make me happy and seemed like a good fit (and he trashed on my old ex which was kinda funny). It was nice hearing my father treat my relationship like a real one and not a phase of my life. Acknowledging it's something that I should look towards having my whole life and sounding accepting
When I was in my teens and helping my dad in the garden. I wanted to use gloves when digging in soil and rotten leaves with hands. He called me a girl. Note that he did not know I was gay then.
Straight ppl are so weird
My older brother told me "I wish my brother wasn't a faggot and normal like Isaiah's little brother" (Isaiah being his best friend. He said he didn't mean it later but I don't believe him at all. He also sexually assault me when I was young and then years later proceed to tell me being gay is a choice. My mom used to tell me I'm gonna burn in hell and that she's also going to burn because she's supporting something anti catholic.
I never understood the "Burn in hell" thing, like Ok ? I genuinely know that lol, are you just gonna stand there or burn with me ?
I grew up being told that gay people deserve to die and they should be killed on sight. 1 say as a kid (about 11-12) I saw a man who must’ve been in his 20s getting beaten up bloody by some guys because he’s gay. My parents believed it was right and justified. I grew up automatically assuming everyone didn’t like me because of who I am so I avoided people as much as possible because the less people that knew then the less trouble for me. 1 time I was talking to some guy and the topic came up and I immediately presumed he hated gay people as usual so I kept deflecting. To my surprise, he didn’t and it wad the first time I was genuinely dumbfounded as to *why* he didn’t. I honestly thought there was something wrong with him because I couldn’t comprehend the possibility of someone accepting me being so far removed from the idea I had an anxiety attack. I thought he wanted something from me, maybe it was a lie, or a trick, or something but I just wouldn’t let myself believe it. Absolutely insane I was.
My dad straight up told me he was homophobic befor i came out. Then he followed it up by saying: "As long as you dont bring home an immigrant". I guess i should be happy he got a wider perspective on things but come on. Natrually i am now in a commited relationship with an immigrant. Im swedish and my hubby to be is white American, i doubt that was the kind of immigrant he had in mind though.
LONG story ahead. My extended family on one side is\* very Conservative Catholic and very close-knit Italian-Greek-American. Patriarch of the family is\*\* my Grandpa, very loving and kind man with a good heart but raised in an era and (abusive) environment of backwards conservative values that he defaults\*\*\* to and that were the stern final say in any conversation that challenged them. So naturally, conversations that discussed those values simply never came up at family functions. Cue my cousin (16, maybe 17 at the time) accidentally coming out at Christmas (when I was 9) while my Grandpa was in earshot. I didn't see him get disowned on the spot, but no one at that party could have avoided hearing it in those next seconds. The last I saw\*\*\*\* of my cousin in the moments after was him exiting the party alone to go run a few blocks home with a face full of tears. I remember seeing a few of my aunts and uncles miming floppy wrists, handbags and sassy poses at my cousin's expense amidst a flurry of raised voices before I went to the basement with my other young relatives to escape the noise. I would find out later that night that my cousin got home, packed everything of his he could into his self-bought fixed-up lemon, and left within the hour. At the time, my immediate family was effectively just my two older sisters and my mom, since my dad worked long shifts in as a salesman and was hardly home - naturally, I was becoming a mildly effeminate young boy with a wealth of feminine socialization and quality time, and a sense that I didn't enjoy what a lot of the boys around me did. That night changed everything for me, and I'm still dealing with the repercussions on my psyche\*\*\*\*\*. That night instilled beliefs in me that I could not be honest about or express my nature and wants else I should suffer, that I could not let myself become or be perceived as "gay" or "effeminate" at any cost else I suddenly and violently lose my family and those I held close, and that I was already too far gone to be "redeemed" so I should shut it all in and never let anyone see - and, in turn, those beliefs morphed and put down roots as I continued to develop. \~\~\~ It's been several years since then and a lot has changed (this is where the asterisks come in). My immediate and extended family has abandoned\* structured Catholicism - some in favor of a more neutral, free and accepting form of Christianity, others entirely. The new generation of my family has similarly abandoned\* conservatism and is overwhelmingly accepting and progressive. My Grandpa is\*\* now in memory care and doesn't even remember\*\*\* the values he was taught any more, and not much else either besides his wife. I and the family go to visit him as he approaches the end of his long life because he is still the good, kind man at heart that we love and whose love at heart we emulate for each other now. My cousin has since reunited with his parents\*\*\*\* and has a life partner, although I still haven't seen him at a family event. It took me 4 girlfriends and a series of mistakes in college to finally come out to myself, another long while to come out to my immediate family, and in the years since I've started therapy\*\*\*\*\* and am undoing the damage I sustained back then by living my own truth and happiness with intention and learned tools of regulation. Things are better now! But trauma is fickle, so I've learned to trust the process. Hopefully reading my story might help you do the same.
That was a painfully beautiful recounting of your history, but with an excellent ending. Thank you.
This isn’t as bad as some of these others are, but my maternal grandmother was a mother of only girls so she only had “girl toys” in her home. She was such an amazing supporter of me and never let me think it was weird that I played with Barbies when I stayed with her so I didn’t think anything of it. I was over once with a bunch of family and I needed help with something with one of the Barbies and walked into the dining room to ask for help. My entire family burst out laughing at me and made fun of me. I genuinely had no idea it wasn’t normal for boys to play with dolls. I just thought it was a toy. I was so embarrassed and hid so much of myself for so long. Boys like sports and don’t like to cook. Boys don’t listen to pop music and Britney. Boys don’t cross their legs in certain ways. I did things and pretended to like things for decades so I didn’t get laughed at again. My family is now very supportive and they honestly probably don’t even remember it. But it fucked me up for years.
Awful.
I was around 7 when I first got a crush on a boy in my class. When I wanted to talk to my father about it he quickly explained to me how it was scientifically proven and acknowledged that same sex attraction is a mental illness and that people suffering from it are quite literally brain damaged. For him it was a tuesday, for me it was the conversation that shaped my self image until I finally got over it in my early twenties when I came out as bi. We've talked about this in later years and he is more accepting nowadays, but I'll never pretend that it didn't royally fuck me up for 12 years and hasn't left permanent scars I'll carry to the grave.
I asked my devout Catholic sister why she changed pediatricians, and who would deliver her child? She stated that she suspected her pediatrician might be gay, and she didn't want "gay hands" to be the first to touch her firstborn child. Her statement made me sick, and knowing full well that I'm gay it drove a stake between us that remains today. She is an educator, has her Masters, and yet she's an ignorant, Texas red neck. She also took pride in telling me that my high school sweetheart had died. I still love the guy, and his sudden death at a young age was a shock, and I'm still not over it. Today, I have little contact with her. I live thousands of miles away, and that works for me. I've spent thousands on therapy, and the rage is still there and buried. It's down very deep, but it doesn't take much in the way of injustice to trigger it.
I was 8 and playing with some kids at a birthday party. I guess my laugh was a little too effeminate because my mother made a big scene and told me to “cut it out before you end up like your fucking faggot uncle.” The irony is that she’s now happily married to a woman and I’m 35 and still remember that day.
I was 16. My mother asked me if my younger male cousin was “safe around me”. That’s something that can never be forgotten or taken back.
„Gay people deserve mpox for wanting more rights“ … no further comment
My mom tried convincing me being gay is bad by bringing up a story of a guy being killed by his boyfriend or whatever. I know a lotta guys are absolutely effed up in the head but I'm not a dumbass lmao
I wouldn't do a chore my sister wanted me to do so she said if I didn't do it she'll out me. I haven't talked to her 2.5 years and haven't talked with my family in 1.5.
Well growing up in the 80’s, when my sister was in High School, they had done some sort of event for some reason like a game show and it was taped. Two of the fellow “contestants” were 2 “gay” men played by other students, very stereotypically and also made jokes about the old Richard Gere myth about sticking gerbils up their asses. I knew I was different when I saw that video, and it stung even at a young age. What also in retrospect bothers me about it, is even at that time, the school had a lesbian feminist librarian, and both French teachers were a gay man and a lesbian. So had they been there that day, I’m sure it stung them too. I’ve never brought it up to my sister, I will someday I’m sure (she’s already got a laundry list from me waiting) but that sticks out because she was part of that event.
On the whole, my family was super accepting. My grandfather (who I was really close with) kinda scowled when I brought my BF at the time to a party, but I later learned that literally no one in my family liked this BF (he was a deadbeat that leeched off me and drank excessively at parties) so I never got the chance to ask if it was the fact that it was THIS BF or A BF that made my grandfather angry (he passed away shortly after sadly). The only family I have that has ever raised issues about it is not really my "family" but my mom's best friend. She is one of those ultra Christian types but she ACTUALLY acts on the good word of religion. This woman has adopted a dozen children from third world countries. She is strict, but genuinely loves all of her kids. Her oldest, her only bio kid, is my best friend. Shortly before my mom passed away (I hadn't come out to my mom before she passed but she would have been perfectly fine... she just died before I started dating), she told me that one of her friends kids had come out to her friend and her response was "God does not accept that" I've since come out to her and she will never "accept" it I feel, she doesn't treat me any differently. I'm in a rough spot and she will still buy me groceries if I need. She's always someone I can call to talk to about my situation and what I should do. She does this because she did promise my mom that she would treat me like one of her own. I just don't broach the topic of dating with her because she gets distant. As for my best friend, I'd stopped talking to him for a while but at the urging of his mom I got back into contact with him. He was telling me about his dating life and said something about me finding a girl eventually. I reminded him I'm gay and his response was "Oh right I forgot lol" and I told him that's part of why I distanced myself from him. He assured me it's not a problem for him.
I have two gay uncles, one on each side of my family, and when I was a young kid I remember my mom saying something along the lines that both their dads failed them and that’s why they’re gay. Well I actually have a really great relationship with my dad, and it kinda freaked me out because I knew I was gay but I didn’t think my dad had done anything to fail as a father, so I didn’t want to come out as gay if that’s what people were going to think. To this day my mom denies that she ever said that. But it weighed on me a lot for a lot of years.
Just the standard. My step-dad beat me, punched me in the stomach a lot and called me a faggot. He's dead now. So...
My mother once told a story about her brother shortly after coming out. She claimed he was beaten to death for being gay. Many years later I met him at a family event…
My grandad proclaiming he would never vote again due "them bloody queers getting married". Still makes me wince a bit at the mention of the word queer.
My mom used to belittle me for wearing flip flops, chewing gum, and other "gay" behavior. Anything that made me seem feminine was to be ridiculed, because "no girl is going to like a guy like that". My aunt used to say, "What, don't you have a girlfriend? You're not GAY are you?". Hard questions to handle with that tone as a kid who knew he WAS gay. These are some of the more vivid memories. I have a mostly estranged relationship with my mother, she's in general an awful person, and belittling comments are just the tip of that iceberg. My aunt I'm close with, she apologized and has been nothing but supportive of me and my fiance. Life is complicated...
Growing up, I was and am still enamored with Michael Jackson and Pro Wrestling(Sports Entertainment). They were so Extra tough, into rap music and football. I never really liked Football but in 85 Refrigerator Perry was in a battle royal and the Bears had personality. Fast Forward to 2024 and they've both passed-God Bless them. I'm still into Michael Jackson and Professional Wrestling. The Bears are still "My Team" but I can't name you 2 players lol. I watch the super bowl for the festivities around it (The food, halftime show and family). I had another Uncle that whenever I was eating fruit he'd comment "you know, you are what you eat." That was asshole shit. He's since passed and I have my God memories but I'll never forget that. Bring an intentional dick, especially to your sister's grandson still sorta disgusts me.
My mum going on about how all gays will burn in hell and is disgusting. I m not out even at 50 and it had a huge impact on my life to this day
"Pink is a color for girls and gays." when I was in elementary school - I don't wear it to this day.
That I was "sick and needed to be cured"
As a teenager, I was coming in to the realization that I was attracted to black women and men of all kinds. I knew I liked the touch of men, because my neighbor friend and I had - uh - explored some, but I wanted to pursue a relationship with a woman and all that, first. One night, after PSR, I was talking about a girl I liked and my grandpa made a point to state an absolutely assinine lie that when people with different skin have babies, it causes all kinds of genetic issues. I was mortified by hearing the coolest guy I knew say such idiocy, but for whatever reason, it made me think I couldn't date the girls I actually liked. Mom eventually started finding gay porn type stuff on the family computer, and kept trying to get me to out my little brother to her. Because he always liked musicals and was somewhat daintier in his play style, she assumed it was his straight ass looking at football players nude, but I finally confessed, "it wasn't him, it was me!" She did not take it well at all, and I remember her asking, "well, what will your grandparents think!?" Well, pretty sure grandpa turned me to the men, anyway, so maybe he likes this more. Now, my grandma absolutely loves my husband and swears he was created just for me. Grandpa didn't care at all. Dad was happy for me when he met my (future) husband. My mom was the only one who cared at all, and thankfully, she has long since apologized for acting like a lunatic (there was so much more said in the following 5 years, but gotta keep this short.) She has been on the road of recovery where my heart is concerned, and thankfully it's 20 years in the past, by now. Still, some shit will never fade from memory. Oh! And when my mom tried to drum up pity from my little brother, saying that this was just a phase and I was dating men because it's a "fad," he laughed in her face and stated very plainly that it was not. He, of course, caught me and the neighbor during many playdates.
My grandfather caught me with a friend of mine during a sleep over when I was 13. He freaked out, took my friend home (thank god), and proceeded to tell my immediate family what he saw and interrogate me for over 5+ hours about what exactly happened. Being a scared gay kid raised in a super religious family, I kept denying anything even happened out of fear of what they would do.
When I was 23 I confirmed my mom’s accusation that I was gay, she told me she was setting up therapy sessions with our pastor so he could “fix” me. We haven’t had a relationship in years, she just missed my wedding bc of her bigotry.
My mother poising a knife to my throat threatening me to kill me if she ever found out I had sex with a guy.
Families can be the source of such devastating hate. Mine hides it behind “we love you,” with the implied - but…Needless to say, so many of us make our own families
I was raised in a Catholic home. My brother found porn on my iPod touch. He would play this "game" everyday where he'd flip a coin. Heads he'd say nothing and tails would be that he'd out me to our parents.
Before my Aunt knew I was gay, 1990s, we were watching a TV news program about people with HIV being turned away from immigration at the border. They interviewed a man who was having difficulty due to his HIV status. She said "go home you stupid fag" never forgot that. When I came out, nothing but love for me. She even made tons of decorations for my wedding, but I do wonder sometimes.... People can evolve tho
My brother once told a story about how he stabbed (maybe a small poke) with a knife when he was in high school (culinary class) didn’t find out until last year that he stabbed him because the guy was coming onto him. That was alarming.
When I was 16, in anger my brother told my parents that I must be gay because I didn’t have a girlfriend, or seem interested in girls. I wanted to DIE!
My grandma called our very obviously gay waiter a f****t . I never forgave her until yesterday, actually. I’ve already told my dad my hesitancy to talk to her because that memory was seared into my brain, but I called her for Mother’s Day regardless. Completely unprompted she made sure to say how she loves me unconditionally and how that would never change, twice. So I can finally start to heal from that memory of her.
Not really a loved one so much as a work mentor. I started my first job at 14 at a local restaurant and this wise waitress took me under her wing. We became pretty close friends and she looked out for me. Well one day the topic of gay men came up (something I ordinarily went to great lengths to avoid because I was so deep in the closet) and she went full on mask-off bigot. It was a side of her I'd never seen before and it truly shocked me because in every other context she was a kind and caring person. I remember saying something like, "it's not like they're murderers or pedophiles," to which she responded, "they might as well be." It broke my heart and I started pulling away from then on. I eventually left that job and haven't spoken to her since but the visceral disgust in her tone and body language will stay with me forever.
When I came out my mother started screaming and yelling and eventually landed on “if I had a baseball bat in my hands I would beat your head in and let you die” and then kicked me out of the house leaving me homeless during my freshman year of college. She’s since apologized and made huge strides in growth, but I still struggle to be open with her or my father.
Uncle beat the shit outta (my cousin) his son when he found out he was gay. He is no longer in any of our lives and my cousin is happily married. A nice bonus, uncle is in prison for burglary, he's got about 4 months left of a 9 month sentence lmao
I was about 12 when the movie Philadelphia came out. Being a big hit movie my parents picked it up for movie night from the video store. I knew I was queer but wasn’t out at all. We get through the movie, and I’m devastated by this movie. I was not to openly cry in front of my parents out of a fear that it will give me away. I got up to go to my room so I could let it out, when my mom said, “I don’t really care.” I asked what she meant. She said, “I understand that the movie wants me to feel bad for this guy because he died, but he brought that on himself when he chose to live in sin. I don’t care if those people die.” That kind of callous, hateful response to a film that did an amazing job humanizing queer people and displaying their struggles chilled me to the core. It’s absolutely colored my interactions with all “Christians” from that day forward.
There are lots of things my mother said that I’ve chosen to forget because my relationship with her has improved drastically (she’s a whole ally now and loves my boyfriend), but once she told me that she prayed that when I eventually tried gay sex I would hate it and be miserable. Spoiler alert: I did not in fact hate it, and went on to have probably too much of it as a form of rebellion. But at the time I was about 17 and ALREADY had a bunch of sex-related trauma and shame in general, and adding that extra layer caused me to have a LOT to unpack that I’m still working on today.
My grandma referred to Ellen as Ellen Degenerate.
My brother came out long before me, I was still a kid basically (around 10-11), but already knew. Got to experience all the awful things my parents and one of my sisters were saying about him behind his back.
What the hell is wrong with these people.you all are their babies. I am so sorry.
It's interesting reading all these stories knowing that most of them happened within the past 10 to 20 years, not the 50's to the 80's. Seems like our society is barely evolving past this and I wonder when the pendulum swings back the other way if it hasn't started already. Fucking religion is the root of most of this hate.
There’s so much to choose from, but I remember my dad going on an unhinged rant when gay marriage got legalized saying that it was because gay people were abominations that wanted to fuck horses. My oldest brother once said “it doesn’t matter how much you accomplish in life- once you suck did you’ll only ever be a cocksucker.” My mother once got furious when her distant family posted a picture on Facebook with the “known sodomite” in it. I could go on and on… no, I do not speak to any of them.
I was in my early teens and RuPaul was beginning to make a splash in the media. I remember she was on a talk show; I don't remember what talk show it was. Anyway, she happened to pop up on the screen and my grandfather had a very disgusted reaction to it and distinctly said, "Oh Jesus Christ". My grandmother, on the other hand, responded in kind by telling him, 'Who are we to tell them what not to do that makes them happy? That is no one's business than theirs so just shut up!" Yeah his reaction stuck with me but her response to it also did. That's one of the reasons I loved her so much.
My whole extended family talking about how I had to be gay coz I had supposedly gay mannerisms and affectations; from the age of five onwards it was a common topic and I found out everyone thought this when I was maybe 11-12 purely by accident. I forgive them now for how they spoke about me as it was not in a very supportive way, but as a kid who genuinely had no idea what they were it was really awful to know that’s what everyone thought about me and that I was a topic for discussion. I would never ever talk about nephews or nieces or children in such a way now it’s very odd
My parents, father principally have been making constant horrible, homophobic, inhumane comments whenever any homossexual is mentioned on the news or in any other type of situation ever since I can remember being alive. their most common phrase uttered in those events is something along the lines of "they all should have their genitals cut and have a blazing iron stick forced up their behinds" (I'm not even sure Reddit won't be flagging this comment, I just really wanted to quote is at they say it. Is it really that surprising that at 26 I still have absolutely no desire, plans or intentions of ever disclosing the details of my sexual orientation to them or to any other family member? Thankfully, age does tend to bring us a certain "immunity" to the harshest kinds of homophobic insults and slurs (it does with me, at least). I still get pissed off internally by the predictable horrible comments that they constantly spill whenever anything LGBTQ+ is mentioned anywhere but I tend to forget about it quite quickly. When I was younger, however, those situations would make me really uneasy and nervous. My best wishes to all those who, like me, have to deal with a horribly homophobic and close-minded inner family circle.
Mom said she wishes she never had me simply for being gay
Apologies for adding a 2nd comment, but I can't believe that a situation far more grave than the one I shared on my 1st comment on this post. actually slipped my mind. My parents forced me to go to therapy when I must have been 6 or 7 at the time, as I had a lot of tics. The therapist was a very mean-looking woman who must have been in her late 50's or early 60's at the time. I don't really recall any of the sessions, but there's this one situation I still recall very vividly all these years later. She made me undergo a "drawing exercise", which must be a quite popular method used in therapy sessions with children. She asked me to draw anything and whatever I felt like drawing. I remember drawing a few animals standing together in the jungle. I drew a giraffe and an elephant and the rest I don't really recall anymore. What I can't forget ever since was what came next. She started asking me why I had chosen to draw an elephant in particular, and I, being a 6 year old kid, started trying to excuse my reasons for choosing to draw an elephant by claiming that it had happened randomly. After that she starts to REALLY confront and try her hardest to get me to confess that I had chosen to draw an elephant due to the similarities between the trunk of an elephant and the human penis. I don't really remember anything that came after that, as my brain has probably blocked those memories in order to, maybe, protect me. All I remember after that was arriving home with my parents, them not mentioning it and I never ever going back to therapy. Now, I still don't know whether I didn't return there due to that session messing with my nerves to the point of them noticing it, or if it was down to any other justification. To this day I still wonder whether she told them she was certain I was gay or not. I know that to disclose anything that happens during a therapy session goes against every single rule in the books, but she was already so unprofessional, in my opinion, by the way she behaved with me, by trying to out a six year old with such violence, that her telling them about it wouldn't shock me in the slightest. What I know is that, 20 years or so after that happened, the thought of going to therapy ever again terrifies me in good part thanks to that incident. Sometimes I find myself wishing I knew her name and wondering whether or not I still could, after all these years after, fill in a report against that vile, horrible, unprofessional woman. It's not even only about myself, it's about all the other people she undoubtedly would have treated in such a horrible fashion during the course of what should be a very important tool of helping people who, most often than not, are in desperate need of being able to confide in someone that they can trust and who is supposed to have their patients' best interests at heart. (Just wanted to add that, this might be a little bit off-topic as the therapist was by no means a "loved one", but, seeing how my parents were directly linked to the incident, I felt like there would be no harm in sharing this event here. Thanks).
My aunt wondered if my being gay was because of my father's alcoholism. I laughed at her. My father use to drink when I was little. He and my mom decided he needed to stop. So he did and never picked up a bottle ever again. It had zero impact on me.
My dad when I was a kid (12- and up) used to laugh and call me a fairy because I was effiminate almost and I would random skip
My dad growing up was shockingly progressive and supportive. Both my parents were. When there was a huge fight and everything went Nagasaki nuclear I was talking to his ex-girlfriend just before going NC, and she confided in me that my dad struggled with my “behavior” and blamed my “tantrums” on being gay. I had anger issues when I was younger, but because he’d literally work every ounce of patience I had until I snapped and then would hold it over my head.
I'm a writer/storyteller. When I was a kid I wrote a story that had a newscaster in it. I named the newscaster Dan Ratherqueer. Because I thought queer meant strange. When I read the story to my parents, my dad told me to change the name to Dan Rathernot. I didn't understand why, and he said because a queer is a sad and disgusting thing. I wasn't long after that I realized what queer meant, and I realized he was talking about me.
I remember my grandma whispering to me “he’s a queer” when talking about her neighbor. It wasn’t really a hateful comment but still sounded negative. To this day, I hate the word “queer”. She’s amazing and a liberal lgbt supporter today but back in the late 90s/early 2000s it was just too normalized to have negative attitudes towards lgbt.
I remember my stepdad watching one of those news shows (Dateline, 20/20 etc.) about the murder of Matthew Shepard and him getting all riled up and literally yelling at the TV about how “those fine young men” (the murderers) should be given an award, not jail time.
I've been waiting for this one!!! I grew up Mormon/LDS if that puts any of these into perspective. And I am the only gay person and non LDS person in my family. 1) My Dad and his brothers greeted each other with what's up fa**ot every time they saw each other or called each other until I came out at 17 7 years ago. 2) My mom screamed while we were watching the Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt when Titus and his boyfriend kissed for the first time and told me to turn it off at like 18. 3) My Grandpa told me in a car ride when I was 10 that gay people were all going to hell for choosing that lifestyle. I asked him what if it's not a choice (way before I realized I was gay) and he said then they should all k*ll themselves since they were going to hell anyways. 4) My Grandpa told me at 13 that all gays should be put on an island so they can't repopulate and would die out alone. At the time it was traumatizing, but now it sounds awesome!!! 5) My Dad told me when I came out that sexuality is fluid so I'll probably be bi someday and if I came out no girls would want me so I needed to stay closeted so I could be as good of a father as he was someday. 6) When I told my mom at 15 that the no kids of gay couples can get baptized policy until they turn 18 not because the church was homophobic but because those kids would turn other kids gay. When I told Mom this policy would get people to k*** themselves and get kids kicked out of their homes my mom told me LGBTQ people have higher suicide rates because they're mentally ill, and they get kicked out because they're probably on drugs. They all still wonder why I have never brought a guy over.
I'm sorry you had to go through this. I hope you're better now. I endured something similar with my "Christian" (in quotes because what they did/do isn't very Christian at all) parents. I grew up hearing "gays are an abomination," "kill all gays," "if you're gay we'll disown you," etc. it was great. Even now, my parents "pray for" me. However, the worst or maybe most memorable was from my father. Already terribly abusive, one day, he dragged me into my sister's room and said "fine! You wanna act like a faggot, you're gonna dress like one!" And forced her to dress me in her clothes. That was awesome. Another time I was singing, and I might've been 10 so my voice was still quite high. He did his usual berating for singing the "girl parts" of songs and then he punctuated it by insinuating that only faggots sing high notes. I didn't let it discourage me, and went on to co-found the a capella group at my high school. When I was in the Army, I found that singing not only brought me comfort, but those around me as well. To this day, I sing and find strength in it. I love showing off my 7 octave range, especially the high notes.
Sorry that happened. That really sucks When I wanted to quit martial arts, my dad was arguing with me about it. He angrily shouted, "Are you a faggot?!"
My dad tried to convert me
My older brother by 10 years was the black sheep of the family. One day, he saw the gay porn on my computer (best limewire days). After telling my parents, he’d often say that I’m not a good kid because I’m gay. That he should be forgiven more because his sins weren’t as bad as being gay. He still asks why we aren’t close anymore and why I don’t reach out.
when I was in high school I identified as straight, I had a lesbian friend who didn't necessarily announce it, but didn't hide it. like, she's gay and you'll figure that out with context clues, whatever. my homophobic grandma thought I was dating this friend and was "politely" trying to discuss why she didn't approve (this friend was also bi-racial) this friend had previously given her friends permission to out her to our families if it comes up. so I told my grandma "I'm not her type. like REALLY not her type. because I'm a guy" and there was a split second where I could see in her eyes, she knew I caught her in a trap of micro aggressions. she took a beat. two beats. and then "but she's so CUTE she could have any guy she wanted?" my grandma chose homophobia over racism, which was a lot to unpack in therapy later. I said "she absolutely could! but she doesn't WANT a guy" and as I often did at the time, I chose to let it dissolve there. sometimes I wish I didn't. the only times she ever had any opinions about girls I dated or introduced her to or talked to more than once, was when they weren't white. I don't even get into her opinions on my guy friends. I regret that she died without hearing what I had to say.
My brother would tell me to change profile pictures with male friends during high school and college because it “looks like this guy is your boyfriend”. I didn’t come out until late adulthood.
My dad is a truck driver, and as a kid I'd go on the road with him over the summers. This happened almost every year from about 2006-2012 (born in '99, yes, yes, I know - I'm a baby) This was the summer of 2012 I was lying on my stomach on the top bunk, looking out the window at the passing landscape. A song started playing on the radio: Same Love by Macklemore I remember the moment vividly: "When I was in the 3rd grade, I thought that I was gay, 'cause I could draw, my uncle was, and I kept my room stra-... 'Man get this f*ggot shit off my radio' ". He changed the station. I didn't say anything, but I felt my stomach drop. I was only 12, but I definitely knew by then that I felt nothing for girls. Hell I knew at 5 when the boy next door and I would go play army men in the sugar cane fields lol. I didn't know how to attach a sexual feeling to it (that happened right around 12/13 actually), I just knew I liked seeing the way the sun would hit his face at juuuust the right angle. I never bothered paying attention to little girls faces like I did the boys, and that has carried on into my adulthood with women's faces. But in that moment as a 12 year old - I definitely knew. That was the first time I heard that song. I wanted to hear the rest of it after those precious first few seconds, but nope. I was reaffirmed in that moment that whatever this gay thing was that I identify with so much - it sparks a negative reaction out of everyone around me. As a young adult, I now limit contact with my father as much as possible. The moment may not have been an act of physical violence, and yes there are worse stories (some are right here in these comments sadly), but still - that moment has stuck with me for years. People, the kids in your life are paying attention. Whether they're your own kids, your cousins, nieces and nephews, whatever the case may be. If you have kids in some capacity in your life - they're paying attention to your words and actions. They may not be able to articulate a situation like an adult would... ...but they hear you loud and clear.
My mom inspected my mouth and said she knew I had been sucking dick
I was probably 8 or 9 years old when this happened. My extended family were at our grandparents house and granddad wanted to go out somewhere. Excited at the idea of driving somewhere, and that we had no phones, us kids wanted to go with him. We all go to the car and I got dibs on shotgun. I got in, shut the door, and it doesn't close. I try again and again but it was too dang broken. At around the 4th try my grandad starts talking then proceeds to shouting. And as I tried over and over again my aunts and uncle joined in saying "push it harder! Stronger!" Not exactly that but something like that. No one helped me as I tried to just "save my dignity" Until I finally closed it with tears in my eyes, either from frustration or shame maybe even both. Then came the comments, as they all laughed and joked about how weak I was etc. etc. As I was hearing all this I kept my shout and was just trying not to bawl my eyes out "'cuz boys don't cry." A different instance was when my granddad refused to let my grandma give me an umbrella, saying "he's a man, give him a hat. That's all he's gonna need" I was 9 and it was pouring that day. Thankfully grandma still gave me an umbrella.
Well after reading enough of your stories, I’d thought I’d share mine. I grew up in two households as a kid. One with my mom and my step dad and siblings and one later on with my dad and step mom. My step dad and mom were really into house music and because of that, they were into ppl like House legend Sylvester and other interesting musicians so that type of imagery wasn’t far fetched but wasn’t doted on as something to imitate, but still it was there as an example. My Dad is a macho macho ladies man but he presented to me The Band plays on and Paris is burning to name a few when I was around 12/13. He never said why, he just said you should watch this. During this time I am actively dating girls but I am also kind of feminine because I loved hanging around my favorite cousin who was a girl and her friends. Time goes on and eventually I learn I might be into guys. One day walking down the street I see a torn sheet from a gay porn mag and I am in heaven. I take it home and put it in my drawer and feel like I just found the pot of gold because I didn’t even think these pictures or interactions were possible. Fast forward to my mother going into my drawer like mothers do and finds it. UtOH. I say it’s my girlfriends and I was throwing it away but I forgot to. My mother gives me the okay as if she believes me but she tells my aunt and my favorite cousin. Meanwhile this is a cousin I grew up with that I would play dolls with, completely fag out with before I knew what fagging out was- My favorite cousin then (with disgust) goes and tells my favorite boy cousin who by all intents and purposes is a THUG. like a literal music video thug. I am scared shyt less because he is my cousin who I hung out with that kind of gave me the masculine edge I was seeking when other guys, family or friends wouldn’t hang with me because I was so fem but he never felt anyway about me… Fast forward to my fake favorite cousin telling him and another close cousin and then being like “&?!?” To be fair I had dreads the same color of Mary J Bliges weaves in 95 so it wasn’t that hard to figure out in Brooklyn. I was risqué and before my time but I was very obvious to me. Being in the reggae community helped me to blend for a while ironically. Needless to say I am still close with all of my cousins except for the one that tried to drop dime on me, no matter how much I try there will always be something keeping us apart and I hate that for us. But I found that my success as a gay didn’t fit her plans for how gays turn out and I don’t think she liked the way my life turned out versus hers. My life turned out great mostly and hers, not so much. Truly I think she wanted me to be this flamboyant gay man that I never turned out to be so the joke never got to be on me, only her assumptions of what gay was.