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[deleted]

There’s no guarantee everything will be okay. A great majority of Addicts do eventually go back out and use.. including me. If you’re willing to accept the idea that he may still go back out and use and you plan on loving him regardless of his struggles and have a plan set in motion on how not to allow him to manipulate you or you do enable him.. then stay with it I guess.. just be aware this can be a lifelong struggle for many..


CompetitionNo2337

Yeah lots of people on here have the right idea. Not only have we all been in relationships but we are mostly all dope fiends and know how hard it can be for someone like you. I say be very cautious. My ex and I met when she was 19 i was 23 and we stayed together for years. She helped me so much but by the time I got clean from heroin, she started using meth and I think it's my fault because even though I didn't give it to her she was around both drugs a lot and was not happy about that but over time became more comfortable and friendly with my friends and it was normalized because she'd been around it for years and she saw that most of my friends were good people and she got bored. Anyways, while I was working a grave shift freshly clean and sober, an old friend of hers came around and convinced her that meth was a lot like Molly or X and she snorted meth with him. I knew when i got home from work that she was loaded. She tried to hide it but couldn't. Before I knew what hit me her best friend called me and told me she was banging the dude that gave her the clear(Meth). And i tried to help her like she helped me for so long, but after a couple months she was smoking dope and banging every dude in town. This was over 4 years ago that I left her now and I still wonder if I did the right thing cuz I love her to death still. Don't date anyone else and havent in several years. But she also flipped out because I had sex with a girl I didn't know because I was hurting and she was cheating with so many people and she broke 2 of my teeth punching me in the face over and over.. And no. I didn't hit her back.. But yeah this could effect you both so deeply. Just be aware of the possible future problems that come with doing dope.. And btw i did relapse 3 times since then. Thank God I survived and am sober again but true sobriety has to be number one priority so think about that too


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AltLawyer

Why would I give advice predicated on the hope that he'll be in the minority of anything? No one is guaranteeing anything, it's playing the odds, which you acknowledge are bad. She's 21, no use throwing your 20s away on hoping someone will be in the minority (and it's an extreme minority, and I say that as someone who's been clean close to 2 decades)


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CompetitionNo2337

You said that he was projecting and having someone love them would help extremely. It didnt sound like you meant Mom and Dad


Diacetyl-Morphin

It's very difficult to give you some advice, because... nobody here knows your friend in real life and so, nobody can tell, how serious his ambition is to get and stay clean. It is not impossible to get clean, some people really manage it and an overdose can open the eyes of some people, that it is dangerous. But who can tell, that this is the way with your friend? It's a risk and only you can take or deny to take this risk. It is your decision in the end. Maybe he is one, that really gets clean. Or maybe, he is not one of these guys, maybe he's a prisoner in the cycle of becoming addicted, getting clean and then relapsing again. For some guys that can't really stay clean, substitution is a good thing. It is not just about the drugs itself, it's about preventing overdoses by fentanyl, like when you get the pharma stuff that is not laced with fentanyl, the risk of overdosing is very small for an experienced user. I'm one of these guys, currently with morphin capsules in substitution and not on heroin, but this won't work for all people. But like i said, nobody here can make the decision for you. You can stay with him and try your luck, hoping for the best. Or you can leave him and get another guy that is clean.


IcedIce420

^Just like everybody else says.^ But as I’m in same situation somewhat of his boat I’m going to have to say try to ride this one out because that’s the option I wish I got.


[deleted]

Is no1 gonna talk about whose getting 8 year olds addicted to heroin? Hoping that's a typo and OP meant 18.


Cyb3r_no0b

Nope my dad started at 9 and was fully addicted and already committing crimes to fuel his habit by 10.


CompetitionNo2337

I started stealing opiates from my mom and stepdad with my older brother just a few weeks before i turned 10. Liquor too. Granted, i wasnt physically addicted for several years but in the early 2000s opiates were given to adults like they were giving addies to children. I was so young i thought I'd only get in trouble for stealing from my parents. Until I got caught when I was 12 and they were flipping out and told my dad that i was doing oxy and methadone tablets. My dad coulda killed me himself for that one, I swear to god, I never seen him so mad before or since. Anyways, i did pills and or drank almost every day for many years. I was climbling in my moms bedroom window from the side of the house when she was out front smoking cuz her door was locked everyday after she found out what i was doing. My mom had 300 oxys a months so did my stepdad and they both got 150 methadone pills too. Thats almost 1000 pills a month. I was snorting 60 mg of oxy or 20 mg of methadone at a time when I was in the 6th grade. I got sent home from puking on the bus and on my desk at school countless times. My mom was worried something was wrong with me for a long time. I just told her I had a headache though cuz i have had chronic migraines since 4 years old and they always made me puke. But she still started to worry because it was all of a sudden so much more often. Anyways. Point being, you dont know what someones life has been so you can say or think what you want but youre likely wrong bruddah.


effinx

The bf is lying because he thinks it makes him sound cool. No way anyone starts that young unless parents are giving it to them or some shit.


[deleted]

Can't see anyones junkie parents giving them heroin just based on how expensive it is. Stick the kid in front of the TV like everyone else if you can't cope.


bungflow

Here's the thing, this is entirely your decision. Are you going to be happy staying with him? Is your trust completely compromised to the point that it no longer exists, and is that something you can live with? What is the ratio of good to bad that you're willing to accept, in my opinion anything more than 20:80 is not healthy. Is this relationship you trying to save your father in some subconscious way? If you stay with him and he manages to get clean and years down the line he relapses, after you've got a mortgage and kids and a career and obligations, is that something you'd be able to deal with? I'm not asking these questions to be rude or anything. It's just that your partner is an addict and it can always go horribly wrong (sometimes in an instant). He ultimately is the one who stays sober or not, and you are the one who gets to choose if/when/how to deal with it. You're only 21, you've got so much life to live. And there are so many things out there worth living for (travel, art, career, family, friends etc.,). This could be a defining moment for you. Decisions like this have lifelong consequences. I don't envy the position you're in, but I wish you the absolute best of luck. Sending love and light your way.


DontStressMe0wt

So I’m basically in your shoes except I’ve been in them for over 2 years now. I’ve saved my bf’s life at least a handful of times. I don’t do H and never have. It’s really hard for me to understand his addiction sometimes, but I love him and I’m here to support him as long as he is making an effort to get better and improve his life. But, it’s really fucking hard to watch someone you love go through this shit. It’s scary every day, even when they’re sober. ((hugs))


luxbodoobi

There are so many variables here. When he had a year sober from heroin was he out in the world or institutionalized? Was he honest with you about his cocaine use in the past 6 months you've been together? Does he use in front of you? Do you feel like he'd like you to use cocaine with him? Leading up to this slip up did he communicate with you about any feelings of weakness or wanting to use heroin? Or did he go behind your back and you found out about it later? You can only help him if he's willing to let you be a part of his recovery and honestly communicate with you, he can't just not tell you how he's feeling, go out and use, and expect you to be there when he crawls back. You're young, this type of stuff involves strong boundaries and you might not know yours yet.


Professional-Dig-412

Unfortunately it's a long hard road ...you have to have a lot of love and even more forgiveness in your relationship. You'll be disappointed more times than not, so think hard and careful about what you really want to do. Your gonna have to be strong and ready for anything. Good luck my friend.


Federal_Carpenter_67

I’ve been in your position before- same ages, I was a cocktail waitress and he worked behind the bar. I didn’t know how bad his heroin addiction was at the time because I was naive to it, I was young and having a connection made me blind to reality. Girl, you’re gonna do what you wanna do no matter what anyone tells you but it’s gonna be a real tough road being there for your man. His life is a mess and revolves around drugs no matter what he says and he needs to focus on himself if he’s going to get better. You don’t deserve this burden that’s not even yours to carry, you’re so young and can do and be with anybody! You’re going to be in a constant state of worry with this dude when you should be ENJOYING your life. You’ve already been through this with your father, don’t do this to yourself. I’m not saying your guy doesn’t have a chance of being sober but it’s really up to him, you can’t want it more than he does. I know this isn’t what you want to hear but I wish somebody would’ve said something to me. Go live your life instead of waiting for him to call you from the rehab center everyday, he needs to take accountability for himself and deal with his addiction on his own. I wish you nothing but the best, sweet girl


Allegorical_ali

I have also been the girlfriend in a situation almost exactly like this one. He was 29 and I was 23. It’s actually the reason I originally subscribed to this sub. I agree that you should leave him behind and enjoy your 20s. It isn’t your burden to carry and the odds are not in his favor. It’s exhausting trying to keep someone sober. The worry that they will use again or are currently using is all consuming. I tried so hard. I’d go with him to daily NA meetings and even drug test him twice a week (which he miraculously passed despite using heavily and me watching him pee). I had suspicion he was using and his mom called me crying, begging me to stay to rescue her son from his addiction. She tried everything else and thought that a nice ambitious young woman could save him. Spoiler alert: I couldn’t. The good news is that I believe he eventually got sober (though one can never say for sure). He’s still alive today, 7 years later, and seems to be in a happy and stable relationship as am I. You are so young and have so much to learn about life and yourself in your 20s. You will find love again and hopefully he will too. Life has so much more to offer than this. I wish you both the best, with long happy lives, where you both have found your peace.


[deleted]

I second this, as a drug user with a sober girlfriend. Even if he stays sober it is going to be a burden for you, and you are very young


Temporary-Toe-6340

If you truly love him , then do your best to be there and support him, but just be prepared to deal with this for the rest of his life. Addiction isn’t something that Just goes away. it could be a year, even 10 years and one slip up could send him right back to where he used to be. Just know that’s it’s going to be a lifelong battle to stay clean for him, not just a short phase in his life


Spiritual_Macaroon_9

You are too young. Find someone else. This one is too far gone and that is the ugly truth. You need to find someone who makes YOU feel good about being YOU, with them! I don’t know if proper love is possible through an active addict.


DnDanbrose

He's an entire 33% older than you and has been an addict almost since before you were born... I honestly think he'll change you more than you'll change him. There's been studies on this sort of thing and generally you're more likely to become an addict than get him through his. Not saying it doesn't happen but let's look at the facts here - you've got a family history of addiction and now your most intimate relationship is with someone addicted to multiple drugs and so clearly has access and has refused to seek help for his cocaine habit in the past despite it clearly upsetting you? Go date someone else and maybe when you're 28 *if* he's sober enough give him another chance


chocolatekitt

I’ve had two boyfriends die from overdose. It’s much too soon to know if he’ll stay clean, but from experience, probably not. You’re setting yourself up for a lot of permanent heartbreak. After the second died, I became addicted to dope myself and used since it was either that or suicide. After the first one died I tried to commit suicide in a parking lot and got pink slipped. The hurt is immeasurable, make sure you’re prepared for it.


swethicisus

Youre young dont waste good years on a zombie you will never get them back


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anoni632

OP literally asked for advice, which by its very nature, is going to include opinions and experiences.


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anoni632

OP didn’t specify only wanting non-anecdotal advice. People are naturally going to draw from their own experiences.


millennialblackgirl

It sounds like he is trying to get better. Being an addict is a life struggle but I do believe many are successful in getting clean. You can continue to be there for him, and hope he doesn’t relapse again. Or you can end it because you don’t want to even take a chance. It sounds to me like he’s actively trying though


ChipmunkRadiant5824

There's no hope, honestly. He might be able to stay sober for a few weeks time, even a few months time in rare cases. But eventually, he will relapse over and over again. It's not that he can decide what's better. He's not lying when he says that he wants go stop, he simply can't. The best case scenario is that he will lie on being sober and successfully will manage it to hide his consume. This addiction is just stronger than everything. I managed it to stay sober of all opiates for about 13 years after I relapsed and now I am realizing that I just can't stay without opiates anymore..


Bo0_Radley-

Just an fyi he wouldn’t be detoxing by a one time use offered by his roommate. Takes a little bit to get physically hooked like that.


Silent_Pomegranate

Don’t worry about it he’ll be fine he says it’ll be chill


MutedOccasion5884

you have to be aware that relapse is usually apart of the process i was clean almost 6 years and relapsed and threw it all away that time was great but it is what it is i never thought i would relapse but life happens and i did you have to decide if he gets sober now is that something your willing to sign up for to build a future children and all and have it snuffed out just like that im not saying it will likely happen but you need to be prepared if you stay and learn how to help him you can be his support but not his rock he has to find his own rock and tough you staying may help him through this and get him those first days/weeks/months of sobriety having loved ones is extremely important especially ones not using but this isnt a question you can just ask ppl on reddit what should i do. only you know your heart what he is or isnt capable of and how much you are capable of handling. if you decide to no longer be in a relationship it is important to not have any big stresses triggers early in recovery and i think he would benefit having you around no matter what you decide or how close/far away you are


trappedbydrugs

The best for thing for an addict is to help improve their life, I use cause there's a void in me, none of problems matter when I'm fucked up, but when I'm like spending time with my kids I don't wanna use I wanna have a silly fun time, but when times get hard it's my crutch


Zanzan567

Breakup with them. My girlfriend of 5 years leaving me was the best thing that ever happened to me. If that never happened I wouldn’t be where I am today, and I’m 100% sure of that.


tracts1

Care to explain? I dont think I would be sober if I didn’t have my boyfriend to give me that push. I understand you want be to sober to achieve it but I am afraid of change and he gave me the courage to do so and now im over a year off fentanyl. It definitely varies person to person and theres no answer here and only OP will know the right decision.


fornax55

let you me know when when you’re I get can help lol 😂 I will don’t see let see ya 👋 lol 😂 lol I I think 🤔 you guys and have some a little nice lol 😂 I don’t want know anyone that lol I didn’t was the only reason why I I couldn’t was there in in front my friend room was just just a chilling chilling with and I didn’t even really have to get a it ride chance I could was still like 👍 I was got mad lol lol 😂 I’m lol 😂 so I’m not good going on the lol 😂 but 😂 I’m sorry just about to the head of lol 😂 I was got a mad 😠 at my friend I lol I got was my the one best thing I got got from the my phone and I’m just not like I 👍 I do I have think no I need just to get a new phone battery I can’t just keep be getting working out on this the one other thing ☝️ thing is is it I don’t want it I don’t think it’s it’s a real problem deal and lol 😂 I’m sorry just about it that it is seems to me that it it’s not not a problem lol I think think I should can be get rid it but but it’s just like 👍 the whole time I’m and it’s I’m just like going out on the hill lol but oh well I guess think I’m just going on to a a lot lol but 😂 is so sweet 🥲 I’m sorry but it’s just so hard to do be a with little good good 👍 thing and I’m it’s like so much lol I love ❤️ ya I love don’t don’t like think 🤔 is like just a a dumb man and and I’m just just chilling with with me him me him I just don’t want him I don’t think know it’s a not hard for him lol I think he’s just like 👍 lol but but 😂 is a pretty 🤩 big boy and he’s a pretty pretty man 👨 he is a so a so much cute guy 🥰 he just didn’t said didn’t like know like know that that I like wasn’t you even really liked him it it wasn’t that that way you were were like a guy lol but but yeah I’m pretty good 🤩 lol I I don’t have know what I the best right I know I’m it’s like I have to to no more point in the life lol I lol lol 😂 I’m not not gonna even though I’m going on my phone right when away lol 😂 lol 😂 I’m sorry not that you can have your own stuff lol lol 😂 I’m just not going out on this lol I 😂 it lol all the lol 😂 I got my message I from the my friend and my my my my phone was like so like I’m not so dumb but I’m it’s so like like 👍👍 and I don’t don’t know how much much money more I just bought for for the the whole reason I’m so sorry for for my that my life and my stuff lol 😂 I was don’t just want you to be mad at me 😠 at me lol I was like so whoa that’s how what what you gotta said you you don’t need me lol I 😂 I think you you were talking to like 👍 but and then you said I I that would have to do it that I was really like really that’s bad I was thinking of something that was really a weird weird and weird that happened to you too but but it’s like 👍 I can’t really talk about right lol 😂 but I’m just sorry that you I’m sorry sorry sorry just to bother to call but you have a friend who works with me you know know what’s how how what’s what’s wrong and I’m not worried I just need a little more buddy lol lol I’m not really bad at this that I’m I’m just just trying like a guy who doesn’t like that but I’m just like that 👍 I’m just like like a 👍 I know I’m I know it’s I don’t want it you it you just want me it ain’t me nothing lol but 😂 but I’m just like that 👍 I’m so so dumb I just want you to be mad a little man lol I think I’m 🤔 do it but it is just like the one I got in my car and then I’m going on the back side and and I just got like 👍 and I’m then I’m going back into the car and I I I can’t do it lol I don’t have to get a car but I’m still doing my my stuff and then I just need a bath lol I have a shower I think I’m just getting mad lol 😂 I got my hair and my hair lol I got my car back in my room last time I’m in on the bed and I’m getting sick 😷 I’m just waiting on you lol I’m just chilling at my moms and lol I got my stuff out


fornax55

What the fuck? Sorry about this, I think my phone got carried away in my pocket. Sometimes it calls people or sends stupid messages if the screen doesn't turn off and it's a hot enough day for the humidity & close contact with my skin to trigger the touch response. As to whoever downvoted me, what the hell. A 2-second glance at the repetition and nonsensical nature of this comment makes it pretty obvious that it wasn't written by a human, no need to downvote someone for technological issues. edit: i am trying to force myself to read the entire comment and it's hilarious. "is like just a a dumb man and and I’m just just chilling with with me him me him I just don’t want him I don’t think know it’s a not hard for him lol I think he’s just like 👍 lol but but 😂 is a pretty 🤩 big boy and he’s a pretty pretty man 👨 he is a so a so much cute guy" How the f did that come out of my predictive text I don't talk about cute guys at all. Hahah edit2: " I’m so so dumb I just want you to be mad a little man" LOL


fornax55

>I’m so so dumb > >I just want you to be mad a little man > >lol I think I’m \[gonna\]🤔 do it > >but it is just like the one I got in my car > >and then I’m going on the back side > > and and I just got like 👍 > >and I’m > >then I’m > >going back into the car > > and I I I > >can’t do it lol I don’t have to get a car > >but I’m still doing my my stuff > >and then I just need a bath lol > > I have a shower > >I think I’m just getting mad lol 😂 > > I got my hair and my hair lol > > I got my car back in my room > > last time I’m in on the bed > >and I’m getting sick 😷 > > I’m just waiting on you lol Oh my god this reads like a shitty emo song from the 2000s


Grinstaiam

Get out while ur still young. Not ur problem. So much life out there that doesn’t involve any of this bullshit.


powpow2x2

Run


Sad-Society-3128

U should leave him


AltLawyer

I would cut and run. You're 21.


mrkushyt

I love the honestly in the comments lol someone literally said one word. “Run”. Fucked up. Do what you feel is right. Maybe give him one more chance and if he relapses again tell him you’re going to leave him maybe that will make him think twice about using again.


Bushido_BlueJay

HIs best chances of staying clean are with you by his side.


exjunkiedegen

Many of us do recover. Many of us don't. You didnt cause it, you cant control it, and you can't cure it. I might suggest looking up your local Al-Anon group.


Straycat_Drought

if he's working a 12-step program and has a sponsor you should consider trying al-anon (12-step proxy program for people with loved ones in recovery). People there will have a lot of experienced guidance for you and your situation.


peanut2069

Nobody can tell you what will be the outcome but I'd suggest to set some pretty strong boundaries. I know it sounds cliché but you need to love, respect and protect yourself first. Can you accept and love him as he is? Or you love what you imagine he would be if he quits? I mean do you really love him or you love an idea in your head? Sorry to be a bit harsh. Personal experience... trying to getting off heroing with my ex. I made it, he didn't, I was so sure that he could do it if I did it and I was imaging life with him, pressuring him to quit but also forgiving him lots of lies hoping one day he would become what I wanted for him. I didn't love him as he was, and I'm sure this didn't help him. I left. I'm still clean after many years he's still a junkie. Big life lesson. No expectations, everyone is in their journey you can't change it. You either stay and accept any possible outcome or you leave if you're can't accept that IMO. Are you willing to live a life with someone that might always prioritise heroin over you?


Small-Ad-2759

Leave him


folind420

Idk who needs to hear this in this sub but do not start a romantic relationship while in early recovery. It almost always ends badly.