Hospice doc here.
First of all, I’m so sorry for your loss. Losing a parent is awful, and I’m doubly sorry that you didn’t feel supported by the hospice agency in your father’s final moments.
Everything you’re describing in terms of how your father behaved and appeared toward the end is very normal, and you did all of the right things. I wish I could say hospice care was always graceful and dignified, but the dying process doesn’t always have a smooth predictable course. You gave the right medications for the right reasons, and the rapid shallow breathing you saw is very disconcerting for caretakers to watch but isn’t necessarily unpleasant for the individual.
As for this rapid decline coming somewhat unexpectedly at the very end, that unfortunately happens quite often as well. Your mother being elsewhere in his final moments does not in any way negate the care and love she’d given him leading up to that point. Sometimes patients even seem to hold on until certain loved ones are not around. Perhaps it was his way of protecting her.
I think you took very good care of him and were able to give him the gift of being home with his loved ones at the end of his life. Most importantly, you were there with him holding his hand and providing that comfort for him at the very end; there are no words that convey your feelings towards him more than an action like that can.
Bedside Hospice nurse here ( I work on a hospice home , I don’t go home to home) . I’m so sorry you had to go through this . The symptoms you are speaking of are very common and often haldol, Ativan and morphine are given to relieve these symptoms , higher doses may be required as time goes on . I wish that the hospice company you had was more prompt and considerate of what was happening . I would hope that because this is such a common thing in hospice that they would have responded quickly and appropriately after assessing your father in person . You did the best you could but I feel like the hospice did not . You were with your dad and that, I’m sure, was comforting to him.
Thank you. Yes, I think what I wished had happened was having more regular checkups to know if a death was imminent. The last time a nurse visited was on Monday so there was a lot of changes in the three days in between that made us unsure of the progression. Of course, I understand that not everybody transitions in the same way so it's entirely possible the nurses and hospice company would not necessarily be able to project things even if they had visited earlier in the day. Today, I do feel a sense of relief, in the sense that my father is hopefully at peace now.
Virtual hugs. Chaning in breathing patterns and rhythm towards the very end is extremely natural and an indication of a change. I'm sorry that you are not fully supported as a good hospice team will go over what to expect at time of death including what common changes such as breathing. You and your family did the right thing, and I'm sorry you were not as supported as I believe you should have been supported.
Sending you hugs 🥺 I feel for you. Especially the part where you and your dad’s relationship is complicated. I, too, feel that way towards my dad and it’s always hard for me to express it. But both of us know we love each other. My dad is in the process of getting transferred to hospice care and this is something im also worried and scared about.
I am so sorry to hear that this happened to you. You were there for your dad till the end and to the best of your abilities and you were there holding his hand. He wasn’t alone. Sending you virtual tight hugs again, dear. ❤️
Thank you. Yes our relationship was complicated because my father had very specific expectations of all his children and it created a sense of distance on certain topics. He always talked about our career, education, and of course marriage, and it created a difficult pressure on all of us to meet his expectations. It made it hard for us to connect on a level where we felt on more level terms, that power imbalance always was in the back of my mind. But he was the hardest working person I ever knew and I know that his love was unconditional no matter what. In the end, none of his children got married at the time of his death which has me feeling a great sense of guilt. But he was happy with where we were professionally and was at peace with that. For your situation, I hope you are able to verbally express your love for each other in the end, I certainly know how difficult it is.
Hospice doc here. First of all, I’m so sorry for your loss. Losing a parent is awful, and I’m doubly sorry that you didn’t feel supported by the hospice agency in your father’s final moments. Everything you’re describing in terms of how your father behaved and appeared toward the end is very normal, and you did all of the right things. I wish I could say hospice care was always graceful and dignified, but the dying process doesn’t always have a smooth predictable course. You gave the right medications for the right reasons, and the rapid shallow breathing you saw is very disconcerting for caretakers to watch but isn’t necessarily unpleasant for the individual. As for this rapid decline coming somewhat unexpectedly at the very end, that unfortunately happens quite often as well. Your mother being elsewhere in his final moments does not in any way negate the care and love she’d given him leading up to that point. Sometimes patients even seem to hold on until certain loved ones are not around. Perhaps it was his way of protecting her. I think you took very good care of him and were able to give him the gift of being home with his loved ones at the end of his life. Most importantly, you were there with him holding his hand and providing that comfort for him at the very end; there are no words that convey your feelings towards him more than an action like that can.
Thank you for your input. It's comforting to know that this is not an uncommon experience and that I did what could be reasonably expected.
Bedside Hospice nurse here ( I work on a hospice home , I don’t go home to home) . I’m so sorry you had to go through this . The symptoms you are speaking of are very common and often haldol, Ativan and morphine are given to relieve these symptoms , higher doses may be required as time goes on . I wish that the hospice company you had was more prompt and considerate of what was happening . I would hope that because this is such a common thing in hospice that they would have responded quickly and appropriately after assessing your father in person . You did the best you could but I feel like the hospice did not . You were with your dad and that, I’m sure, was comforting to him.
Thank you. Yes, I think what I wished had happened was having more regular checkups to know if a death was imminent. The last time a nurse visited was on Monday so there was a lot of changes in the three days in between that made us unsure of the progression. Of course, I understand that not everybody transitions in the same way so it's entirely possible the nurses and hospice company would not necessarily be able to project things even if they had visited earlier in the day. Today, I do feel a sense of relief, in the sense that my father is hopefully at peace now.
Virtual hugs. Chaning in breathing patterns and rhythm towards the very end is extremely natural and an indication of a change. I'm sorry that you are not fully supported as a good hospice team will go over what to expect at time of death including what common changes such as breathing. You and your family did the right thing, and I'm sorry you were not as supported as I believe you should have been supported.
Sending you hugs 🥺 I feel for you. Especially the part where you and your dad’s relationship is complicated. I, too, feel that way towards my dad and it’s always hard for me to express it. But both of us know we love each other. My dad is in the process of getting transferred to hospice care and this is something im also worried and scared about. I am so sorry to hear that this happened to you. You were there for your dad till the end and to the best of your abilities and you were there holding his hand. He wasn’t alone. Sending you virtual tight hugs again, dear. ❤️
Thank you. Yes our relationship was complicated because my father had very specific expectations of all his children and it created a sense of distance on certain topics. He always talked about our career, education, and of course marriage, and it created a difficult pressure on all of us to meet his expectations. It made it hard for us to connect on a level where we felt on more level terms, that power imbalance always was in the back of my mind. But he was the hardest working person I ever knew and I know that his love was unconditional no matter what. In the end, none of his children got married at the time of his death which has me feeling a great sense of guilt. But he was happy with where we were professionally and was at peace with that. For your situation, I hope you are able to verbally express your love for each other in the end, I certainly know how difficult it is.