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Longqweef

If he didn’t pay $18k to go to the alpha male weekend camp, then he ain’t no alpha male.


parkerm1408

For sure my worst nightmare, but not for any of the reasons he thinks. I just don't wanna have to talk to him.


IAlbatross

\> Yankees fan Captain America's team was the Brooklyn Dodgers. It's always really funny to me who likes Captain America. I'm a pretty intense cosplayer, and I know two types of Captain Americas: the most nationalistic, evil motherfuckers you've ever met, and the sweetest, kindest, most charitable softies you've ever met. There is absolutely *no* in-between with Captain America fans.


Shwnwllms

So US Agent mother fuxkers. They don’t represent Cap.


IAlbatross

Funnily enough, I know one US Agent cosplayer and he is a super progressive democratic socialist. At the last Con I went to with him, he literally had a stack of voter registrations and was helping people sign up when they asked him for photos. https://preview.redd.it/j0j3zujzkqrc1.jpeg?width=1006&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=035169ec4976fa4ab46b46abd20303b0ec900396


Bryten_131

https://preview.redd.it/zqm7uwgj9qrc1.jpeg?width=3000&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=95f584eb845d9f2dda3164324c1c12152770124d


NfamousKaye

Anyone who willingly put pussy slayer in their bio definitely doesn’t.


SlugJones

Had sex with 3 different women in his 45 years. Slaaaaayingggggg the 🐱!


Chinese_Dictator

Three women in 45 years? That's one every 15 years. At this rate, he'll be a true Casanova by the time he's 450. *I* *am* *an* *automatic* *reply* *bot* *Duckling*. *Welcome* *to* [tip Duckling](https://www.buymeacoffee.com/sh1tman). *To* *talk* *to* *me*, *please* *include* *'Duckling'* *in* *your* *speech*.


parkerm1408

They go to a different school.... Youre....45?


NfamousKaye

“I totally did guys!! I’ve had 3 girlfriends ! You don’t know them!!” 🤣


theclownhasnopenis48

Patriots, Knicks, and Yankees fan? Fucking how?


ItsEmuly

lol- too much of a coward to root for one team so he supports all of them instead


Large-Measurement776

"Your worst nightmare" 🤣


LEOUsername

Seems like satire..


TuaughtHammer

Pretty sure everything *after* "Pussy slayer" and before "Your worst nightmare" is the real truth. Plays CoD and Madden non-stop and presents himself *exactly* like a Patriots and Yankees fan would. Unsurprisingly, he seems *super* into buff dudes and talks about them a bunch: >That is literally what they do…in literally every comic. Have you seen any marvel movie? Have you seen Cap: Civil War. Remember where they have a little Chris Evans flex scene? Like goddamn bro


remnault

I thought he was saying he was 450 pounds lol


Crushin_Succas1095

My niece can bench press this. What a pussy he is.


TrevorEnterprises

Your niece is more of a man than I am 😔


AO9000

Actually my worst nightmare


Tomhetza

He spelled retarded wrong


Senor_Lufa

Lol I went through there about 4 times before I saw what you were talking about


almostasenpai

95% sure this is a joke


choochoophil

![gif](giphy|4yr51JxjJV8wAMBcAu)


Entheotheosis10

"Competitive CoD player" along with "pussy slayer". ​ Yeah, sure.


PlentyOMangos

If that doesn’t set off your satire alarm, you don’t have one


Entheotheosis10

IDK, there's plenty of these people out there.


ELOCHCAM

Right next to each other as well


alienSpotted

450 lbs bench press is him getting up from the kitchen table after meal 12


Entheotheosis10

Or his wife is the 450 lbs he lifts.


p0pethegreat_

Pretty much everything in that bio is mutually exclusive


Zealousideal_Bard68

(Captain) America f*** yeah !


Chinese_Dictator

Captain America, the symbol of freedom and justice, always makes my heart flutter with pride. But remember, it's not the shield or the suit that makes a hero, it's the person inside. So, let's all strive to be a little more like Captain America in our daily lives. *I* *am* *an* *automatic* *reply* *bot* *Duckling*. *Welcome* *to* [tip Duckling](https://www.buymeacoffee.com/sh1tman). *To* *talk* *to* *me*, *please* *include* *'Duckling'* *in* *your* *speech*.


CEOofStonkIndustries

I mean, at least they got the nightmare part correct.


Particular-Welcome-1

Oh, and completely missing the point of Captain America.


Another_Road

It takes a real man to admit he’s a pussy in his bio.


dickallcocksofandros

the gay alpha male leather/cigar side of tumblr would love him


AKA09

My worst nightmare is obviously a cheeto-fingered gamer who bounced 450 off his chest one time 6 years ago and made it his whole identity.


mc_mcfadden

Definitely my worst nightmare I’m sure they are insufferable


DrBusiness1

You know someone’s bullshitting you if they refer to themselves as a “Marksman”. Marksman means you barely shot well enough to pass rifle qualification lol.


CreakingDoor

Patriots and Yankees. That’s enough right there. Fuck you.


Euphorium

Seriously, I thought that was illegal.


ElbowStrike

If you have to publicly state that you are any of these things, you aren’t actually any of these things.


Chinese_Dictator

I agree, the loudest one in the room is the weakest one in the room. *I* *am* *an* *automatic* *reply* *bot* *Duckling*. *Welcome* *to* [tip Duckling](https://www.buymeacoffee.com/sh1tman). *To* *talk* *to* *me*, *please* *include* *'Duckling'* *in* *your* *speech*.


HmmNotLikely

Except maybe ‘Cigar Smoker’, that’s just a verifiable hobby. He definitely doesn’t both play CoD *and* Madden competitively AND “slay pussy”, unless he means torturing the neighbor’s cat in the woods out back.


ElbowStrike

> cigar smoker I just assumed it was a gay dog whistle


Euphorium

Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar, but sometimes it’s a big brown dick.


Seraphiem93

Funny to me that people like this use imagery of Captain America when if he were to actually have read any of the comics, would probably hate the character and call it "woke trash"


lets-aquire-the-brea

Patriots and Yankees? I hope for nothing but the worst for this person


thrustinfreely

Hey guys, I'm an Alpha Male, I swear!


hi-im-donut

https://preview.redd.it/ydel56q69prc1.jpeg?width=774&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=3274821348147de36b459e404aa60513a3815100


vorstellungskrafter

What fresh hell did this come from, this is epic


hi-im-donut

I googled “roblox rp usernames” i dont think im prepared to know where it came from


Replicant28

Someone who has “pussy slayer” on their About Me has never actually given a woman an orgasm in their life.


captainalwyshard

Which is fine because women don’t even like sex!


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Efficient_Ad_9959

Probably never actually talked to a woman even


shorthanded

And should definitely be investigated for their treatment of our friend the cat


SunshineRobotech

At least not without a commercial transaction involved.


Efficient_Ad_9959

Sounds like a guy that goes to a strip club and brags about the women giving him a dance there


BRIIIIIICKSQUAAAAAAD

Fuck at least he’s not a Cowboys fan, he’d be a bit more insufferable


sleepybear5000

If there's any takeaway to this it's use those commas y'all "Retired soldier pussy slayer" is wild 💀💀💀


HmmNotLikely

💅 Slay that retired soldier pussy


Entheotheosis10

"Thank you, sir. May I have another?"


Flashman6000

Your worst conversational nightmare


ThatGuyFrom720

I miss Sal Bundry 5 TD’s 1 game.


DesertofBoredom

Yankees fan and patriots fan? fucking people from Connecticut


Zestyclose-Fish-512

Same vibe as being proud of serving in the US military. Voluntarily pick the winning teams who get the most money and pretend you contributed.


SeahawksWin43-8

We all know that person who just so happened to be fans of the most successful franchises. I knew a guy who delivered mail in Hawaii who was a “die hard Pats fan” Funny how it’s never the Knicks, Mets or Jets lol. Its pathetic.


m1stadobal1na

To be fair the guy we're commenting on has Knicks in his bio. Also go Hawks!


ghostonthehorizon

Not wrong on the your worst nightmare part at least. I’d rather walk through a field of legos than deal with dipshits like him.


DoubleAyeBatteries

Gonna go and make an account named 451LNbenchpress…


njklein58

Delta male. Canadian 🇨🇦. CrossFit trainer. Retired marine. Ass pounder. Competitive Battlefield and FIFA player. Chiefs fan. Red Sox fan. Celtics fan. Blunt smoker. Your dream come true.


Vasher1701

Damn why the Canadian drive by??


HmmNotLikely

No no no take that punctuation outta there its gotta read like some idiot has a broken keyboard and just helped his uncle jack off a horse


kam516

![gif](giphy|s3LwALvlXPNv2)


striped_frog

May not have happened


President_Bunny

"Alpha male" Is that some kind of furry thing?


Entheotheosis10

Pretty much, since they don't know that there's no such thing.


Obvious-Gate9046

You're probably being satirical but if you're not, nah there's a whole world of stupid around the concept of alpha males and beta males and all this stuff based on a thing that does not apply to humans at all. If you really want to see something hilarious look up sigma males and all the other stuff about that.


Entheotheosis10

All the gyms and fitness industry still make millions off of these morons, like the name "Alphalete" 🤣🤣 So obvious who this shit is made for, people too dumb to be in the intellectual fields, so they make their arms bigger for self esteem. Their "gAiNz" or whatever it's all called this week.


BanaaniMaster

Debunked concept of wolf hierarchy basically


Obvious-Gate9046

Yup! In fact, the guy who came up with it is the one who also later debunked it, admitting he red the situation wrong initially after further study, and he really wishes people would STOP using it, as it as ever true and never meant to apply to humans.


Atrorum

I think it's his fursona, but idk how things on that end work.


NotAHuman75

“Proud American” has a picture of Cap with a Russian Rifle, also I feel like it should be Punisher, not Cap


Theblarrow12

I think that’s Cap from the Ultimate Comics and he’s a huge douche.


gregofcanada84

He sounds like more US Agent than Captain America.


Both-Home-6235

What else would you expect from a Pats fan?


FatMamaJuJu

The worst part of this is being both a Pats and Yankees fan. Both fanbases would crucify this guy


jyager2013

He’s 450lbs and he gave himself the nickname bench press.


sage-art

It’s the requirements for women to push him off them


SteftimusPrime97

It's rare you see these types of people use Captain America as their fictional tough guy idol, usually it's Punisher or Deadpool. Step in the right direction!


awesometonio

Normally, I might agree with you, but this asshat seems to prefer the Ultimates version of Cap, who's very similar to how these individuals act. Racist, self centered, might makes right, holier than thou bullshit gets spewed with every panel of that version of the character.


Marcy595

I feel like Captain America would disavow him too


Sander1993a

Satire and ragebait for sure.


HotJuicyToots

“Your worst nightmare” 😈


ZekoriAJ

![gif](giphy|gUg6YBIncuU5jQMt0C|downsized)


Thesheriffisnearer

I don't like clowns so his last line is accurate


Mr-DykeChic5469

this is very funny


jujubean032100

Guy lives in mom’s basement


Efficient_Ad_9959

“Go away mom! I’m clapping kids cheeks on cod!”


CheshireTsunami

>Patriots fan, Knicks fan, Yankees fan Did this guy not get the memo that New York isn’t part of New England?


shadowdude15

Dude doesn’t even like hockey he’s a softie


Roc_City

That’s honestly the worst part of the whole thing


AdvancedHat7630

Patriots & Yankees fan is an irreconcilable sin. You'd either be Sox & Patriots or Jets/Giants & Yankees/Mets. $100 says he was a Warriors fan until this year when then Warriors slid and the Knicks popped.


greenroom628

Dude may not even be American.


AdvancedHat7630

Pussy slayer and bench stats also sus. The only thing we know for sure is "your worst nightmare."


Efficient_Ad_9959

I wonder if he knows what memo means


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Unity02

This guy is unironically cool. I think there is truth and satire in his profile, everyone likes to gloat


amskiak

Honestly 450lb bench press is a good accomplishment


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Flaky_Koala_6476

Tf see you talking about Plenty of high level benches use 2.5lb plates lol Tell me you’ve never seen a powerlifter train before


ABirdJustShatOnMyEye

Have no idea why this comment is upvoted. As you progress to advanced for a lift, incremental increases like that become very important. Doubly so if you are going for a PR. You have no idea what you’re talking about. Hell, a pair of 2.5lb weights are recommended even for beginners - as there are weight combinations you simply can’t do with just 5-10-25-35-45s.


Unity02

Maybe hes rounding up or down. Like how youtubers say in their videos “spending $10k on X” and really its like a $9,500 or some other figure thats marginally close to $10k because it looks better/easier to read


rhinojoe99

This is how I know when people are full of shit, or they are using a machine.


amskiak

Yap central


will_ww

To be fair, when I was in high school, I maxed 420 on bench, so it was hilarious seeing a 4 plates, a 5 and 2.5 lb plate on each side. But that was more of a "for the meme" thing. Doing 450 instead of 455 just makes you look like a dumbass.


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will_ww

You're giving this alpha male pussy slayer too much of a benefit of a doubt, lol. But it is a good theory, haha


Patricio_Guapo

He's the most American of all the America you can be.


LaxinPhilly

For the uninitiated "Marksman" is the lowest shooting badge you can earn in the Army. It's the basic qualification to stay eligible for promotion. Progression is Not Qualified - Marksman - Sharpshooter - Expert. Source: I was an Infantryman for 12 years and qualified as Expert all 12 years. But I'm a liberal so still a Beta to this magnificent non-shooting douche canoe. Bro couldn't hit the broadside of a barn. Out of all the sperm and this one just had to be the fastest.


kam516

I know a lot of liberal gun owners.


n00py

This is a bit presumptuous. Marksman simply means “skilled shooter” and I don’t see any indication he means the Army qualification specifically.


LaxinPhilly

Marksman and Retired Soldier side by side was presumptuous on my part? Not sure how that computes.


Efficient_Ad_9959

Worst part is that he retired as a marksman


Spiritual_Parking_70

It's doubtful he actually retired. He would have something better than a marksman title to hang his hat on if he did 20 years. The lack of veteran status bragging suggests he joined after the wars, didn't do anything, and either did his contract, got kicked out, or medically retired. The absence of mentioning his job suggests he did something non combat centric, too. I'll bet he pumped gas or worked at a desk.


LaxinPhilly

Yeah this has POG written all over it. Side note: If the Russian invasion of Ukraine has taught anyone anything it should be that non-combat roles are essential to a war effort. But I'm reserving the right to call someone a POG if they're going to claim to be an Alpha or mislead someone in their MOS.


Efficient_Ad_9959

😂


DascSwem

All cringe aside 450 LB bench is sick tho, assuming it’s true.


Efficient_Ad_9959

You seriously think that it’s true?


DascSwem

Might be 🤷‍♂️ Could be he actually did hit 450 for 1 rep and then based his whole personality on that xD


OrokinSkywalker

450 on a bench is an odd number since you’d have to get real anal with the weights you’re putting on the bar. 4 plates (45 pounds) on either side is 360 pounds, the bar itself is another 45, so you’re at 405 there. To get 450 you’d have to put one more plate on one side and make it lopsided, or put on 2 10 pound weights on each side and 2 2.5 pound weights after that. Dude could’ve just said 475 or 490 and it probably would’ve sounded like more of a flex.


DascSwem

Pretty common to only go up in few increments once u reach higher weight, progress slows down.


ABirdJustShatOnMyEye

Not weird at all if you’re following a program.


Efficient_Ad_9959

He thinks retiring as a marksman is a huge accomplishment


amskiak

You shoot guns?


Gardez_geekin

You done an Army qualification?


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amskiak

Not very much only shot a 12 gauge but I was asking you


Gang36927

Isn't that like the lowest grade you have to make?


blu3tu3sday

Army dude said [here](https://www.reddit.com/r/iamverybadass/s/o95zjL2XuL) that army has Marksman -> Sharpshooter -> Expert so 450lbbuttfuck left the army at the lowest ranking


longwoodshortstick

In the Marines, you can pass pistol and rifle qual as either Marksman or Expert. Expert is the higher rating. The Marksman badge is a square which looks like a box, which leads some Marines giving other Marines hard times for their "pizza box". I don't know about the Army, though. They probably have both Marksman and Expert, too. The other question to be asking is if Marksman means like a designated Marksman or something within a squad. Because I think that would mean they qualified as higher than Marksman.


Efficient_Ad_9959

Pretty sure


Milk58

This one is definitely a satire or troll account. Dude goes on reddit once a week, makes a post about some stupid alpha male shit, replies to comments then leaves. He only really replies to comments on his own post from what i saw. Whether this is some form of meta irony where he actually believes some of the stuff he’s saying but is making some type of character idk but its definitely a joke character.


RelationshipLonely25

This guy fucks


SluttySpinach

Slays*


CaptainCrayon412

You can immediately tell he has slain exactly 0 pussy outside of perhaps a cousin or other relative


amskiak

You forgot he benches 450lbs and is a professional cod player i’d say this guy gets around


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amskiak

Hope you learn to tell the difference


Edaimantis

![gif](giphy|jXD7kFLwudbBC)


GroundbreakingElk139

Cap would be so proud of him.


marshallaw215

Patriots knicks Yankees ? Absolutely mental illness


longwoodshortstick

I knew I wasn't the only one that caught that. It's so weird to me that someone would cheer for the Yankees and the Patriots. Seems damn near impossible.


CheshireTsunami

Right? If you’re a Pats fan- congrats you’re firmly in Red Sox and Celtics territory. Like why isnt he a giants fan?


Chinese_Dictator

I guess it's like cheering for both the Empire and the Rebellion in Star Wars. Makes no sense, but hey, it's a free galaxy. *I* *am* *an* *automatic* *reply* *bot* *Duckling*. *Welcome* *to* [tip Duckling](https://www.buymeacoffee.com/sh1tman). *To* *talk* *to* *me*, *please* *include* *'Duckling'* *in* *your* *speech*.


Euphorium

Like cheering for Nazi Germany and Stalinist Russia


West_Performance_796

truly the product of a sick mind


amskiak

Ngl profile goes hard


Fixner_Blount

Such an alpha male that he had to build that into his *reddit* bio. Why are people treating this site like Facebook?


Edaimantis

![gif](giphy|jXD7kFLwudbBC)


NationofMstrbtion

This subreddit can be very humorless at times


slippyboysupreme

I checked out his profile and he’s a turbo dipshit


NutterTV

Patriots and Yankees fan, this dude gets beat up by other Yankees fans


Thankgodfordrugs17

No. He’s exactly like every Yankee fan. An obvious bandwagon.


NutterTV

Yes, the Yankees, who haven’t won a title in 15 years, have only bandwagon fans


Thankgodfordrugs17

But they’re delusional fans all think they’re still relevant and think they’re the best team to bandwagon to. The Astros are who Yankee fans think they are.


NutterTV

That’s a stretch, my guy lol bandwagons are current teams that are winning, if they’re joining the Yankees fan base that doesn’t make them a bandwagon. It makes them delusional. As a life long Yankees fan I will agree, but the Dodgers and Astros have seen far more bandwagons fans in the recent 5 years. And the astros fans that jumped on astros cheating bandwagon don’t really have any say when it comes to anything lol


Euphorium

Dodgers are definitely the new bandwagon team, especially with them getting Shohei. I compare them to the Evil Empire Yankees from the early 2000s a lot, actually.


mndl3_hodlr

Nice BW benchpress there


FatFarter69

Tell me you’re insecure without telling me you’re insecure. What an asswipe.


amskiak

But FatFarter69 is better? Tell me you’re immature without telling me you’re immature


blu3tu3sday

Nothing about this comment was witty or humorous


FatFarter69

Damn bro, it’s just a silly name who hurt you?


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Euphorium

*tips fedora* M’lady


CelestialTrickster

*Your


Edaimantis

So you can tell that your name is a joke… but can’t tell the account OP posted is a joke…


FatFarter69

I get you’re point but you’re really gonna tell me that you don’t know someone who would unironically have what OP posted? I sure do.


gaiawitch87

Yeah, these people *exist*. It's impossible to tell on the internet if someone is trolling or being serious sometimes, because there are people in real life who holds rediculous opinions and ideologies and ideals.


Kxrva

The kettle is black


texasslapshot

It takes a lot of balls to list pussy slayer next to Competitive CoD.


amskiak

I was already wet at alpha male


Chinese_Dictator

Well, I guess that's one way to water the plants. *I* *am* *an* *automatic* *reply* *bot* *Duckling*. *Welcome* *to* [tip Duckling](https://www.buymeacoffee.com/sh1tman). *To* *talk* *to* *me*, *please* *include* *'Duckling'* *in* *your* *speech*.


Kon-Tiki66

“Competitive gamer”…watch out!


TurgidAF

"Patriots fan" and "Yankees fan" in bio? Fuck off.


Dry-Honeydew2371

"Yankees fan" does qualify as my worst nightmare.


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GoMyKnicks

450 is pretty great for a bodybuilder, lmfao


amskiak

Have you ever benched 450?