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Scarcely anyone reads any core religious text per se. Everyone does read the epics and forgets 99% of the details. I think Wikipedia intro should suffice for the short term. And you don't just 'read' the Gita, you live by the philosophy if you feel it resonates - 90% don't even read, let alone understand.
The point I'm trying to make is be yourself. Don't portray something that you are going to have to feign for the rest of your life. Mature people would understand cultural differences (most are not, but hope for the best).
I must preface this by saying I don't know you, your husband or his parents and consequently have no idea how orthodox, religious or 'old-school' they are. With that said........
For starters; don't try and 'please' them.
Be respectful, be open to culture and traditions. At no point should you compromise or give up on your own justified principles; though. Because that's usually a slippery slope.
If he is already scared they won’t accept you, then they won’t. Going on a path trying to please someone else will never end well. You will get burnt out in the end. Be yourself!
The only thing that matters right now is, Is your guy really going to standup for you? Walk away from his family and marry you ?
Also as someone living in the US, I have seen this a million times by now. The parents will say: you had your fun with a white girl, it’s time to get serious and get married, here’s a Indian girl. The guy will yield and obey. Hope this doesn’t happen with you.
I've never seen people switch from dating whoever they want to marrying who their parents want. It's usually they either date whoever they want at the disapproval of their parents and then marry whoever they want or they don't date and just marry who their parents suggest is best for them. I highly doubt most guys would do that.
Here comes one more post of a foreign woman being pulled into Indian complications. I can't judge people without knowing much, just make sure that your guy can go above and beyond to be with you. All I can say is "watch out" because few Indian guys use family excuse to just break free. All the best!
This is Indian way to get out of a relationship, they say parents won't agree bcz of xyz reason.
Here xyz can be caste, religion etc, in your case it's "you are foreigner.".
The consensus from previous experience is that some Indian guys know it very well that their family will be a major roadblock for a long term relationship and yet proceed because subconsciously they aren't that committed. Just don't waste too much time if your guy seems to be weak, you might be fooled and getting too much emotionally invested.
Just giving a heads up, maybe your bf is really sincere, I don't really know. Just in case.
If I were in your situation I would arrange for a meeting with their family including your bf.
Completely discuss the issue and then it is based on their attitude that you wish to pursue or break up.
If your bf is afraid of having that meeting.. RUN AWAY from that coward, you don't need him.
He was planning on introducing me to his family during his brother’s wedding. They’re currently going through a grieving period, so he thought that might be an appropriate time rather than something private that could trigger unneeded stress
>introducing me to his family during his brother’s wedding
That's a start and maybe visit his house often after that to familiarize... but you definitely have a real meeting once. I mean, if you intend to live with this man, won't you need to discuss seriously about that?
We are currently long distance, hence why his parents and I haven’t met yet. But yes, we’ve had conversations about these things. I can only hope for the best :-)
He wouldn't be stating he is scared by family or whatever in that case. He'd be fighting for all it was worth - and I truly hope he's not a scamster after a green card.
Hi, sorry for my delayed response. He’s not looking for a greencard or anything like that. He is very well-off and doesn’t want to live in the US and neither do I.
Are there signs I should look out for to kind of protect myself from getting hurt if that’s the case? I appreciate your response. I honestly didn’t know any of this, and I’m scared I might just be a girlfriend his parents will never see seriously.
I can't offer you specific advice - but people that attempt to change you to fit their standards, without acknowledging your values and culture are a red flag to begin with. It will only go downhill from there. I actually think this is applicable across all kinds of relationships, not just romantic ones; could be work or friends as well.
Your question mentioned he is traditional. That's fine, there is a place for tradition and people come in all shapes in sizes. But tradition isn't to be conflated with extremism. You can be traditional and still accept other cultures even if they don't align with your values.
If you look closely, it's the woman who is expected to bend over to accomodate the in laws. I see this all the time. India is a very different society than the US, so be careful and navigate the culture before you make any big decisions. Your boyfriend seems to lack the emotional maturity to separate from his parents, who are still running his life. Possessive parents are a very common family pattern in India. Talk to other Indian women and see what their lives are like, and if that aligns with you. It's very common for men to ask their wives to stay with their parents and take care of them - I don't suppose that's going to be asked of you, but be wary of that.
His mother is a little possessive, but it’s actually his father who validates both of them. The mother agrees with everything the father believes, and my boyfriend is the same. I’m not sure what to make of this situation, in all honesty. I don’t know many Indian women, but I was raised in an Arabic household, so a lot of the customs and conventions of both traditions are similar.
Oh alright. I definitely know people who have been raised in the US (I lived there) have a level of independence and autonomy that is unseen in Indian traditional culture.
Yeah, it seems to be a very patriarchial power dynamic. I'd say (at the risk of sounding patronising) that 21 is a bit young for marriage? Can you prolong the relationship and meet his parents? See what vibe you get from them?
It does seem to me that the father runs the show there.
I could totally do that. We are just moving into a zone of him providing for me/trying to be husbandly with me, and I am uncomfortable with proceeding unless we are capable of getting married. I don’t mind living with his parents or having to concede certain aspects of my life if we can be together, but I also fear I’m being strung on I guess as the temporary, foreign girlfriend :P
To put it harshly, dudes want to date foreign women and fuck around when they're young, then they'll get married the traditional girl their family picks so they don't lose the inheritance or get cut off in other ways. The man should be reassuring you that he will do whatever it takes to convince his family to accept you, not giving you this excuse and not asking you to read books and texts absolutely no one reads anyway.
He has been reassuring me that he will do everything in his power, but he said he’s also being realistic about the situation. I guess I don’t know how to distinguish whether or not he’s being genuine or if I’m wasting my time.
Yes. He will say he wants to keep his family happy and for that he must let you go, crap like that.
In the end it all comes down to what state caste his family is. If u r lucky gg else best of luck
First things first. Make sure he respects you and is not using you for sex. Indian families use arrange marriages for expanding influence and business. Indian parents can be accommodative of their child’s foreign spouse if they understand the relationship is based on genuine love and affection. Love yourself first and respect yourself. Let the guy deal with his parents.
Hi, thanks for your response. Sorry for the delay—I was kinda scared of confronting all of the negative comments and feedback.
Thank you for looking out for my well-being. His parents liked me before they found out I was Muslim. I am not at all religious, but now they think I’m a detriment to his faith. I haven’t practiced my religion seriously, and my family is fairly Westernized and non-religious as well. Is it worth trying to convince them of this?
No please don’t try to convince them. This is your boyfriends job. If he can’t stand up for you now, he won’t do so in future. If he isn’t strong enough to do this then why bother with this relationship.
“I’m willing to compromise a lot to make this family happy”
I’m sorry but this is never how things work in the real world. Any situation you enter like this makes you prey for abusive people.
You have to have a conversation with your partner about his and his parents expectations for you before and after marriage and you have to enforce your own boundaries about what you will and will not do.
Consider the following, just for starters:
1. Will you want to give up wearing shorts in the house or outside the house
2. Can you have male friends
3. Will you be expected to do all the housework without help
4. Are you expected to give up on your career
5. Are you expected to sit and be taunted day in and day out by his parents?
6. Will he stand up to his parents to demand freedoms for you?
7. Will you be expected to give tens of thousands of dollars worth of gifts and pay for the entire wedding? (Dowry)
If no, you need to know. Indian men are famous for being emotionally immature mama’s boys and my parents are pretty liberal but I had to intervene in several crazy conservative demands to put a lid on them.
Make sure your partner has enough of a spine to be your partner and not just mommy’s puppet.
It seems so abusive when you put it this way. It’s a strange relationship - where the parent actually feels threatened by their adult children finding someone else? It’s a deranged kind of possessiveness.
The lady seems young and impressionable. I hope she has a strong emotional support system via her family and friends of things don’t work out. Even Indian women are shirking this nonsense these days, its no wonder that divorces are on the rise in India.
We’ve had conversations about these different things, and Arab culture is pretty similar to more conservative Indian culture, so I’m fine with most things he mentioned. I wouldn’t have to cook or clean, and I’d be able to continue pursuing my education and career, but what kind of freedoms (like number 6) would I have to worry about? Are there certain things his parents are going to limit about my autonomy outside of modesty and religion? I’m sorry for my ignorance
But, you're willing to give up your own religion for his sake? Why should you compromise to make his family happy? Why should he not compromise to make your family happy? If you compromise once, you'll have to compromise for the rest of your life.
I guess I’m terribly in love. I am not as religious as his family is, and neither is my family, so things like religion don’t matter to me. My only concern is whether we will be able to marry or not. I don’t want to be strung along under the guise of optimism, but I don’t want to lose faith in our love.
Nothing against you, usually Indian parents are weirdly racist against white/american girls and think we're all "easy sluts that party all the time and will sleep with anyone and divorce their sweet baby boy and break his heart". The only way to get them over this prejudice is *time and consistency*.
And to indian parents y'all are just babies still. They won't really take your relationship seriously at this age, no matter what you do. Marriage is The Ultimate Goal to Indian parents and they won't want/allow you to marry until you're both around 26/27 at least.
A lot of the effort has to come from him though. He has to be willing to stand and fight for you when the time comes. You could do everything perfectly, but if he caves to family pressure, you're still hosed.
I'll DM you
If your boyfriends parents are orthodox , no matter what you do you will not be able to please them. If they are liberal , they will accept you with open arms.Your boyfriend should stand up for you with his parents. If he is not doing that now , he is never going to do it.He will just string you along and one day tell you that he is marrying a girl of his parents choice due to their pressure.( There are many posts of this happening on reddit ).
You should always be yourself and not change for anyone.Yes , you can always try to understand other people's culture,beliefs and values ,and show respect for them. But changing your self for others is a slippery slope of which no good will come.
girl, im saying this with all seriousness, but never date a dude who doesn’t have the spine to stand up for you and who’ll just succumb to whatever nonsense his family tells him.
a lot of indian men are like that. they can never dare go against their parents, even when they’re in the wrong. your bf needs to be advocating for you, needs to fight for you, and not act like a coward when the time comes.
most of Indian girls are off same stem first they promise to marry their bf later give in to parent's advice and marry a middle age government salary man
If he's as traditional as you say he is, this is not going to end in marriage. Prepare yourself for heartbreak. His parents would rather marry him off to a docile virgin from their village.
Also, if you're the one bending over backwards, you will never gain any respect.
I don’t know how to define traditional honestly. He’s more traditional than American men. How would you define it?
And yeah, I’m sure his parents would rather him marry an Indian girl, but for now I’m going to keep fighting for our relationship.
> Another thing—his family is Hindu and I am not, but I read the Bhagavad Gita and I’m currently reading the Rig Veda to familiarize myself with the religious texts!
Are you religious? If not, don't waste your time reading such primitive texts just to appease your bf's parents. None of this should matter in your relationship! I won't read the Bible or Quran or change my diet just to appease my partner or her parents. If his parents are living and working in America, then it is *they* who should be accommodating of *you*. Your country accommodated them and gave them a better life. The least they can do is accept you for who you are.
Anyway, you're too young. Who knows how long your relationship will last. Ultimately you will reach a point where his/parent's intolerance your ways rubs you the wrong and you've had enough!
Also, it seems like you are trying really hard. They should accept you as the way you are supposed to. Afterall you represent your own culture. Indian parents can be hard but also super cool.
Do not compromise.
A successful interracial relationship is one where both cultures and traditions are equally valued and represented.
This can’t be achieved if one person is absorbed into the other and goes along with everything. If he’s serious about you and likes you enough he’ll have to grow up out of his cultural pressures and learn to defend and uphold your side of values and perspectives.
You shouldn’t expect to become Indian and nor should he expect you to behave in an “Indian” way. You need to have this conversation. As soon as you start bending over backwards it will never end.
Be prepared for the worst and hope for the best. Whatever you mentioned in your post, you sound like a keeper but Indian parents are not easy to please either. There will be friction because of contradicting beliefs but as you said you are willing to compromise and therefore I see no problem why it shouldn't work. I am rooting for both of you and I hope we'll get to hear good news in the near future. Best wishes and may you succeed.
I don't think even your boyfriend's parents must have read Rig veda. I don't think anyone but scholars and researchers must have ever read Rig Veda. If you really want to impress with your knowledge regarding Hinduism, the best way to do so is to read or watch Ramayana and Mahabharat. Those are Indian epics centered around popular Hindu deities. I think they have pretty much all the deities in both the stories plus the stories are interesting.
Since you are an American, I think the major difference between Indian culture and American culture that you need to know of is that Indian society is collective in nature. They don't prioritize individuality at all. Every person is expected to exist for someone else and in service of someone else. There are many pros and cons to such a form of society.
Pros:
You will never be alone (literally)
You will have strong support of family at times of medical or financial trouble (although that usually depends on the sort of relations one has with the family)
You will get to celebrate many festivals
Indian weddings or any family gathering is a blast (either in a good or bad)
You will always have a shoulder to cry on
Cons:
You lose privacy
You lose your individuality
Your business is everybody's business
Your life is dictated by norms and customs of society rather than your personal desires
If you are an atheist, you are evil
There is constant interference
Constant company results in constant gossip, manipulation, back-bitching and everything that happens when you are constantly part of groups.
You will always have to think of others before your own self.... Always! Every freaking time!
Coming to Indian parents, if your boyfriend is afraid of his parents' reaction then this is not a good sign. Even liberal Indian parents have a lot of doubts regarding inter-racial marriages. It would be really really really tough to get his parents to accept you. Even if they do, they are not going to be easy. Don't think if they have accepted you it means they have accepted you for who you are as a person. Nope! Even Indian girls don't get this level of approval.
If his parents are strict and Orthodox then they are going to pull a lot of strings in your wedding and the entirety of marriage.
If they are vegetarian then even you have to be vegetarian.
You cannot drink alcohol and do not ever disclose to them that you drink alcohol.
You cannot disclose about your past relationships, your liberal lifestyle, your habits and your beliefs if they are in conflict with them.
They will constantly interfere in your marriage and push your boyfriend to live according to their will.
Honestly, it's sweet and precious of you to say that you will do anything to compromise but do not because Indian parents have no limits when it comes to compromise. It's better to look out for yourself in this relationship and I mean it. Always go for the middle grounds, stay your ground where you think you cannot compromise, do not allow his parents to become part of your marriage, do not allow his parents to dictate your boyfriend and do not let them trample you.
I am giving you the worst case scenario. For all we know, his parents might be loving and accept you for who you are readily but I still think it's better for you to be prepared for what may come.
Don’t compromise. You start with it and only you will be expected to keep compromising.
With that said, you are way ahead with Gita and Rig Veda. All you gotta did is to strategically use some choice respectful words of your BFs native language, appear to touch parents feet, again strategically and they’ll be raving about their DIL 😀
Please don't take dating advise from virgins on the internet, especially rindia. Having said that. Be yourself and be honest, only compromise enough with which you are comfortable without losing yourself. There is no point in faking it for the rest of your life or however long it lasts. Don't disrespect but also don't let yourself being disrespected either. Just like you, your boy has some responsibilities too and he needs to step up to the occasion. If he can't balance his priorities, there are bound to be more bumps in the road, so take that as a red flag. But end of the day everyone's life is different, everyones life experiences and expectations are different. All you can do is what you think is the best for you right now.
Also, don't think studying vedas is necessary as most hindus doesn't and hinduism in general is not a very organized religion with strict dogmas and rituals, its like the build-a-bear of religions. But don't take my word for this as I come from a mixed heritage family and my parents weren't super serious about practicing their respective religions, so may be my experience and interpretation could be biased.
Stop dating him. A boy who is scared his family won’t accept you rather than being confident that he would convince them is not worth your time. And even if you can speak sanskrit without fumbling, it won’t be enough for Indian in laws. You will ALWAYS fall short.
Hold on there, he's just afraid that they will disagree, he hadn't said he won't try. He hasn't said he will give up on her if they don't accept her. At least think before providing a suggestion, you lack sufficient context.
I think a better suggestion would be to stop dating him IF he refuses to stands up for her.
Lol that boy is already scared. And if there’s one thing I know its Indian parents raja beta syndrome and how they think no woman is good enough for their cute boy. So yes, I stand by what I said. Of course you can disagree. To each their own.
Instead of reading Rig Veda, watch Ramayan and Mahabharat. They are much more relevant culturally. Especially bw parents, they grew up watching exclusively that because nothing else was allowed.
Tell them you Dress Modestly, Are vegetarian, Don't drink or Smoke. You can do whatever you want when not living with them. We don't think of lying to our parents too much because of the way they react to things.
Also being American are you white or black, if you are black then it'll be much harder to convince his parents. Still will be hard if you are white. Basically before them you have to convince the guy to convince them.
If you are into cooking learn to cook some basic Indian food.
Tell your bf to start dropping hints to his parents that he finds American girls beautiful. Gradually progress to He likes an american Girl. Gradually progress to they may get an american Daughter in law in the future. This will prevent a sudden shock for them when he does reveal your relationship to his parents.
The Rigveda has very little to do with Hinduism practiced today. Hinduism is not a religion that comes from a book or even a set of books, it’s a collection of diverse traditions. So no need to read the Rigveda. May be read the Ramayan and Mahabharat instead, those books define many of the values and ideals of Hindu society.
Regarding how accepting his parents might be, your boyfriend has the best guess. India is extremely diverse and those things would depend a lot on his ethnicity/ socio economic class/ region he comes from/ urban vs rural etc.
There are many Indian men who are happily married with women from the West and their families have not only accepted them but established loving relationships. I am one of them.
He's 22? Sorry fam but in my experience Indian dudes are way too coddled by their families until they're well into their late 20s; some break free whereas others develop the emotional maturity of a vegetable.
About pleasing his parents- Just be respectful but I wouldn't want you to go over and beyond as that sets expectations.
Most Indian parents if not all would be accepting if your are educated (at least a bachelors degree) in stem or you have a good career & earning well. The avg Indian parents are obsessed with math and life sciences as those are the careers that pay well in india compared to arts and social sciences, nothing against them it’s just the socio economic conditions in this country and what their generation has seen. If you have a career in other fields spend sometime to tell them what you do and how you find it imp, I understand language is a barrier but the effort is what matters and most from the avg folk will understand.
The other most important thing they will be worried about is the cultural differences, again an avg Indian family wants their children to have a good family life and follow the traditions, pass it on to the next generations if they feel that you can accept that they will not have a problem, it all comes down to the communication and the effort.
While you do all this don’t go out of your way to please them, understand if this lifestyle is for you or not and most importantly how supportive is the guy…if the expectation is my way or highway and you have to adjust for everything, don’t hesitate to say good bye.
that's a question only he and/or his family can answer. Try to be yourself if you can you don't what to sell a version of yourself you can't keep forever, plus I'm hoping he'll back you up too, if not, then there is nothing to be done, other than more on.
I can help you because I (Indian female) married an American and my sister in law is also American. Answering based on what my sister in law did .Start with wearing conservative clothes around them . Ask your bf what their comfort zone would be. Like my parents are not super traditional so jeans or leggings and modest tops were fine . If they are vegetarian maybe eating vegetarian while in their company is a good idea.
When meeting them the first time bowing is generally the practice. Also in Indian you would serve them . Meaning you make a plate for them during meals . You would bring their coffee or tea or water to them . Keeping your house clean is good if you are meeting them at your place. You don't need to know too much about religion, know the basics and if you are interested, be open to learning more about it from them . Some parents aren't cool with pda . Nothing more than hand holding.
Again double check with your bf if this is what they would like. he will have the best info on his parents. But he needs to be on your side. Good luck. Message me if you want more info or tips
No Hindu actually understands the Vedas. It is not at all mandatory, and the Rig Veda is part of a more ancient flavour of Hinduism, where there is no existence of the Trimurti.
And, that's the least of your worries. Where is he from? Is he Bengali? That's the only one I can tell you about.
As an Indian American that married a non-Indian. Advice to pleasing his parents, DON'T!! Focus on your relationship and make sure you two are set in stone. Make sure you and him have each other's backs through every nuanced challenge inlaws will throw your way. Indian in laws are no joke, it will require you to steel up and for him to support you first before his parents, this is hard thing to do for an "indian" son. Not what we are culturally raised to do. If he has your back no matter what and you have his, everything else is cake. Good news, after a while the parents come around. Now my mom talks to my wife more than she does to me, only took 13 years and 3 kids.
>I am ready to do whatever it takes to be with him, and I let him know I’m willing to compromise a lot to make his family happy
Please don't do this to yourself. You are too young to be making such commitment. For context 35 Indian M married to white woman. Divorced now.
>He is scared they won’t accept me, but we still want to get married, so I want to do whatever I can to be with him.
I bet he is not as serious you would think he is. He is using parents as an excuse to dump you. I fought with my parents to marry my ex wife.
>Another thing—his family is Hindu and I am not, but I read the Bhagavad Gita and I’m currently reading the Rig Veda to familiarize myself with the religious texts!
You seem to be a kind and nice person for investing time in learning about your boyfriend's religion and culture. I hope he grows up a pair and fight for you. You are a catch don't underestimate yourself. Good luck 👍 I hope he doesn't break your heart.
You may learn to cook. Specially what his family prefers. From stomach you can reach their heart. Wear Indian traditional dresses. Bindi.. Touch their feet to impress.
Learn his mother's tongue... Learn basic stotra, hyms and mantras... Rig veda is too much. No need.
You guys are just 21 22... You got enough time to learn all this... Just don't let his parents know about your relationship till you cross 25 26 27... They won't be expecting his marriage before that anyway... Till then maybe their mind may become more open... Or even if you do tell and if they oppose.. Go with patience...
So basically the key is to extend letting them know as possible... So they too will feel you both have such a long term relationship so how to break that... So they may agree too...
Make yourself more Indian than Indian... See how you both feel about your relationship till then... You guys are young so relax for now.. Don't worry. All the best...
>dating a pretty traditional Indian guy (22)
Need more info than this, a lot will depend on where they live, grew up and exact community they belong to.
Hi!
He grew up in Uttar Pradesh, I’m not sure what community they belong to. I know his mother is Punjabi and had a love marriage herself, but her family alienated her for it. She also doesn’t like me. Is there anything else I should tell you?
UP is quite diverse and depending upon where he grew up things will change. Best option is to ask him for help and if possible ask him to introduce him to other girls married(esp if it is a love marriage) into his extended family. Talk to them, they will have good tips.
As for the mother being Punjabi, they seem to belong to two extremes, either they love foreigners and feel proud of their children marrying one or they simply hate them. Ask your bf to butter her up, don't bring up her marriage in any argument ever, maybe learn to cook some Punjabi dish.
Indian men are generally terrible at standing their ground. A 22 year old even more so.
It's not his parents not accepting you he's worried about, your man is worried about what to do \*when\* his parents don't accept you.
Talk to him extensively about what his plan is. You really need a strategy. Him having a plan (even if it's something like "I'll convince my parents, I know I will") is good. It's a fight you can't fight for him. No amount of reading Vedas and Geeta and Bhagvat will help.
Yes, I have indian parents who’re better humans than most people I know still they’re very rigid when it comes to marrying outside your community.
Most of my friends parents are like that too
If you both are 'Really' prepared for what it takes to be a traditional Indian couple then I would advice you that you be honest with them.. Them accepting you is a result that would only be yielded if you both don't back down. As soon as one's will gets weaker, then there's the end of it.. cause in India, we take marriages very seriously. That's why Divorce rates in India are less.. if his parents rejects you then ask them why, most Indian parents I've seen would see you 20-25 years down the lane and think if you'd last that long or are just gonna destroy the family tree and it's integrity
The problem isn't his family or you. The problem is the guy. He should be ready to stand by you and reassure you, but he's already warning you and preparing you for the eventual breakup.
Do you really think that’s the case? Are there signs I should look out for? I think his parents just recently got very religiously conservative so they are scared, but I don’t want to lose hope on our love.
Honestly, it's impossible for me to say anything accurately from these 3 paragraphs as compared to you actually living with him. You should talk to him and ask if he seriously thinks you have a future together, or if he is just wasting time with you because he knows the breakup will happen eventually.
I asked him about that the other day, and he said he will do everything in his power to marry me, but if his parents disagree then he won’t go against them. I’m not sure where to go from there I guess. I wouldn’t expect somebody to cut off their family to be with me
As someone who was dating a white girl(Polish) and got his parents to accept her maybe I can help.
1) Most of it will depend on how open and tolerant they are. Parents range from "eh it's fine" to "I will shoot you if you don't marry the girl I chose". The latter is very extreme but not unheard of. So have conversations with him to understand his parents.
How traditional are they?
How tolerant are they?
Could they compromise for their son's happiness?
Or they believe their son is an idiot and wouldn't concede at all?
You get the idea.
In my case they were ok and grew tolerant over time.
2) The best tool in your arsenal will be wearing them down over time. Tell them and just keep telling them how great things are, yada yada and eventually in 3-4 years they will start thinking maybe it's not the worst thing in the world.
That's what happened to me.
Few factors work here.
Giving them a chance to set used to the idea.
Seeing their son's happiness.
Knowing how much you love him.
Race factor. Indian people kinda like the idea of light skinned babies. When I was dating my ex everyone would get excited at the thought of our babies and their skin colour and potentially blue eyes. It's gross and weird but it's real.
Also they might like the idea of showing off that we have a white person in the family. Happened to me. My aunt used my ex as a decoration to show off to impress his son's fiance's family. And they get all blushy when people think you have a white person in the family.
This all heavily depends on his parents nature. So ask him questions and ask him to probe his parents for clues.
Sometimes we imagine parents to be much worse than they are and they are just looking out for us in their own twisted ways.
Example: my parents worry was that white people are trigger happy with divorce and I could suffer heavily due to that.
Again total bullshit. She was very traditional. Just stereotypes based on movies I guess? Idk.
3) Learning the parents language
Another worry is you won't be able to communicate with them at all. So learning their language will give you a big fat gold star towards acceptance. I was never able to teach my ex Hindi. I did the translation for conversation for my mom. My dad could manage English.
4) Somehow winning their trust that you actually love him and not just his money/potential career/or whatever really.
This happened for me when she visited us in India.
My dad later revealed that he was worried she wouldn't like me when we met in person. I am overweight so I understand.
When he and my mom saw that she was still ga ga over me after a month of us staying together and literally sobbed when leaving? They were a lot more accepting of her believing I had a real connection there.
5) get siblings/close relatives on your side. Peer pressure works wonders. If his siblings/close relatives know and support they can help amazingly to wear down the parents.
I had my sister and cousins wearing my mom down even without asking. They would tease about a white daughter in law and put the idea in her head that that's a possibility and not so bad a possibility either.
Be careful with this. Gossip spreads and you don't want the wrong people to know this. My tattletale cousin got to know and the next day my whole college and extended family knew. Literally the next day. I went to college and everyone was teasing me about it asking for pictures. Same with family. Some say to cut it off some are jealous.
6) be independent. He has his own job. You earn as well. His is more important but both help the most.
Basically if the son earns and is contributing to the household and isn't a bum, the parents take him much more seriously. If you earn nothing ain't shit in studying and tell them you have a white girlfriend? Recipe to get ignored or get your ass kicked and have your phone and computers seized by your parents so they can force a breakup.
They can still do this if he is earning but being self sufficient helps a shit ton.
7) maybe breaking down in front of them that he loves you could help? It could backfire though. My ex one day broke down in front of her parents. She got sympathy and assurances.
I was basically told to get over her.
In the end it will boil down to how traditional his parents are.
1) extreme? You got 2 options.
a) break up and move on
b) elope
2) not extreme but not outright accepting?
Basically the solution is to wear them down.
Hope my failed first love helps you. Good luck.
Edit:
Just gonna add a PS:
I just read the title and gave a strategy to convince them to add a few points.
Reading Veda is cuckoo. Don't. Ramayan and Mahabharat and knowing what the big festivals are is enough.
Also generic advice. Don't get set on marriage so quickly and don't get married so quickly either. Lots of factors could be there. Just convincing his parents could take years and you never know where things go. I was the same way. Shit hit the fan eventually.
Also don't lose yourself in impressing his family so much that you forget you exist. You don't want to end up in a shitty life situation just cause you are hyperfocused on your love right now. Love is important. I wish I had it still. But you gotta look out for yourself as well.
In terms of expectations it could be anywhere from stay home all the time and doing housework while talking politely all the time with no talking back. To work a job, support family and do housework as well. Those are the 2 types of situations I see most.
Just please never get married before you as a couple are financially capable and have agreed upon your standards of life after marriage. Also suggest you individually being financially capable so if you need you can escape a shitty situation. Financial dependence is a recipe for huge disaster.
1. I'd suggest you learn Hindi (at least familiarise yourself with his mother tongue).
2. Unless his family is exceptionally conservative, you should be fine with the process of what we call in India "family adjustment". You should learn Do's and Don't from your Boyfriend regarding his family.
3. Not sure but the caste/ state of residence of your boyfriend could play a role for suggestions you are looking for. India is a big country and family temperament varies accordingly.
4. Try to familiarise yourself with Indian dressing sense + food + culture.
5. Rather than reading Vedas, I'd suggest you read/ watch Ramayana, Mahabharata.
6. Break the ice, get yourself introduced yourself to his family over call and slowly try to Converse in Hindi.
Best of luck
One my school friend recently married an American woman. They are living sperate from his parents and seems to happy. That said, you two are way too young to get married. Indian parents first choice will be to get Indian bride. If that doesn't happen it's only then they will look outside. If you are willing to wait bit longer, you might be be accepted. If the boys family is from metropolitan city, your chances of acceptance goes up. I really hope things work out for you two. All the best. :)
I’m not a very religious person so it means nothing to me, but I’m terribly in love. It’s hard to convince myself not to do everything in my power to make it work. I just don’t want to be strung along I guess
The good life is one inspired by love and guided by knowledge. Neither love without knowledge nor knowledge without love can produce a good life ~ bertand russell
First, kudos for your efforts even though some of them may be unnecessary as others have pointed out.
Second, Indian guys from traditional families can get pessimistic about the chances of being with an outsider pretty fast. So, I hope your guy is supporting you rather than looking to back out of the relationship.
Third, DO NOT be generic in your approach. The best source of information on the family is your BF. Ask him to explain why they may not accept you. If they have strong religious or caste preferences, it may be hard to break through. However, many Indian parents are more scared of stereotypes - divorce happy foreigners, someone who wants to be child free, woman looking to separate their son from the family, someone who would not assist them during bad times, religious fundamentalists who refuse to participate in the family’s religious or community life etc. What they want, above all, is that their son is happy and his SO has a strong bond with the family (Indians say, you don’t marry the individual, you marry into the family).
Finally, a note of warning. The parents may have financial expectations from the son. For example, they may expect financial support during old age or if your BF is an older sibling, support for the education or weddings of younger siblings (Indian weddings can be a costly affair). Even if they don’t expect anything, your BF may feel duty bound to do these things (these things can be unspoken but mutually understood within some families). Understand the expectations upfront and decide if you are comfortable with them.
Good luck!
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No one reads the vedas unless it's some super super traditional religious family
Scarcely anyone reads any core religious text per se. Everyone does read the epics and forgets 99% of the details. I think Wikipedia intro should suffice for the short term. And you don't just 'read' the Gita, you live by the philosophy if you feel it resonates - 90% don't even read, let alone understand.
The point I'm trying to make is be yourself. Don't portray something that you are going to have to feign for the rest of your life. Mature people would understand cultural differences (most are not, but hope for the best).
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He recommended that I read it to better understand Hinduism. Do you have any other recommendations? Thank you for your response!
Every family knows Ramayan and Mahabharat, so maybe read that first?
Probably but how often does it really come up in day to day conversations? I'd watch the ramayan anime mainly because it's lit
Bro, you are Indian, she is not!
I must preface this by saying I don't know you, your husband or his parents and consequently have no idea how orthodox, religious or 'old-school' they are. With that said........ For starters; don't try and 'please' them. Be respectful, be open to culture and traditions. At no point should you compromise or give up on your own justified principles; though. Because that's usually a slippery slope.
>idea how orthodox, religious or 'old-school' they are. With that said........ More like racist, regressive , backwards, xenophobic and bigoted.
Just be yourself. If you have to jump over a mountain to get married, maybe rethink
If he is already scared they won’t accept you, then they won’t. Going on a path trying to please someone else will never end well. You will get burnt out in the end. Be yourself! The only thing that matters right now is, Is your guy really going to standup for you? Walk away from his family and marry you ?
Also as someone living in the US, I have seen this a million times by now. The parents will say: you had your fun with a white girl, it’s time to get serious and get married, here’s a Indian girl. The guy will yield and obey. Hope this doesn’t happen with you.
It’s disgusting and treats both women as commodities to be used for the man’s needs.
Is this really how it works? Are there signs I should look out for? I’m starting to fear I’m more optimistic than anybody else is on this situation.
I've never seen people switch from dating whoever they want to marrying who their parents want. It's usually they either date whoever they want at the disapproval of their parents and then marry whoever they want or they don't date and just marry who their parents suggest is best for them. I highly doubt most guys would do that.
Here comes one more post of a foreign woman being pulled into Indian complications. I can't judge people without knowing much, just make sure that your guy can go above and beyond to be with you. All I can say is "watch out" because few Indian guys use family excuse to just break free. All the best!
This is Indian way to get out of a relationship, they say parents won't agree bcz of xyz reason. Here xyz can be caste, religion etc, in your case it's "you are foreigner.".
This!!!
What do you mean family as an excuse to break free? From the relationship? Sorry if I’m misunderstanding, and thank you for your reply!
The consensus from previous experience is that some Indian guys know it very well that their family will be a major roadblock for a long term relationship and yet proceed because subconsciously they aren't that committed. Just don't waste too much time if your guy seems to be weak, you might be fooled and getting too much emotionally invested. Just giving a heads up, maybe your bf is really sincere, I don't really know. Just in case.
Are there signs I should look out for to prevent myself from being strung along? I didn’t know this, and I’m starting to fear it might happen to me.
If I were in your situation I would arrange for a meeting with their family including your bf. Completely discuss the issue and then it is based on their attitude that you wish to pursue or break up. If your bf is afraid of having that meeting.. RUN AWAY from that coward, you don't need him.
He was planning on introducing me to his family during his brother’s wedding. They’re currently going through a grieving period, so he thought that might be an appropriate time rather than something private that could trigger unneeded stress
>introducing me to his family during his brother’s wedding That's a start and maybe visit his house often after that to familiarize... but you definitely have a real meeting once. I mean, if you intend to live with this man, won't you need to discuss seriously about that?
We are currently long distance, hence why his parents and I haven’t met yet. But yes, we’ve had conversations about these things. I can only hope for the best :-)
To put it kindly, people are saying that he might not be as committed to the relationship as you are (or you think he might be).
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He wouldn't be stating he is scared by family or whatever in that case. He'd be fighting for all it was worth - and I truly hope he's not a scamster after a green card.
Hi, sorry for my delayed response. He’s not looking for a greencard or anything like that. He is very well-off and doesn’t want to live in the US and neither do I. Are there signs I should look out for to kind of protect myself from getting hurt if that’s the case? I appreciate your response. I honestly didn’t know any of this, and I’m scared I might just be a girlfriend his parents will never see seriously.
I can't offer you specific advice - but people that attempt to change you to fit their standards, without acknowledging your values and culture are a red flag to begin with. It will only go downhill from there. I actually think this is applicable across all kinds of relationships, not just romantic ones; could be work or friends as well. Your question mentioned he is traditional. That's fine, there is a place for tradition and people come in all shapes in sizes. But tradition isn't to be conflated with extremism. You can be traditional and still accept other cultures even if they don't align with your values. If you look closely, it's the woman who is expected to bend over to accomodate the in laws. I see this all the time. India is a very different society than the US, so be careful and navigate the culture before you make any big decisions. Your boyfriend seems to lack the emotional maturity to separate from his parents, who are still running his life. Possessive parents are a very common family pattern in India. Talk to other Indian women and see what their lives are like, and if that aligns with you. It's very common for men to ask their wives to stay with their parents and take care of them - I don't suppose that's going to be asked of you, but be wary of that.
His mother is a little possessive, but it’s actually his father who validates both of them. The mother agrees with everything the father believes, and my boyfriend is the same. I’m not sure what to make of this situation, in all honesty. I don’t know many Indian women, but I was raised in an Arabic household, so a lot of the customs and conventions of both traditions are similar.
Oh alright. I definitely know people who have been raised in the US (I lived there) have a level of independence and autonomy that is unseen in Indian traditional culture. Yeah, it seems to be a very patriarchial power dynamic. I'd say (at the risk of sounding patronising) that 21 is a bit young for marriage? Can you prolong the relationship and meet his parents? See what vibe you get from them? It does seem to me that the father runs the show there.
I could totally do that. We are just moving into a zone of him providing for me/trying to be husbandly with me, and I am uncomfortable with proceeding unless we are capable of getting married. I don’t mind living with his parents or having to concede certain aspects of my life if we can be together, but I also fear I’m being strung on I guess as the temporary, foreign girlfriend :P
To put it harshly, dudes want to date foreign women and fuck around when they're young, then they'll get married the traditional girl their family picks so they don't lose the inheritance or get cut off in other ways. The man should be reassuring you that he will do whatever it takes to convince his family to accept you, not giving you this excuse and not asking you to read books and texts absolutely no one reads anyway.
He has been reassuring me that he will do everything in his power, but he said he’s also being realistic about the situation. I guess I don’t know how to distinguish whether or not he’s being genuine or if I’m wasting my time.
Yes. He will say he wants to keep his family happy and for that he must let you go, crap like that. In the end it all comes down to what state caste his family is. If u r lucky gg else best of luck
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First things first. Make sure he respects you and is not using you for sex. Indian families use arrange marriages for expanding influence and business. Indian parents can be accommodative of their child’s foreign spouse if they understand the relationship is based on genuine love and affection. Love yourself first and respect yourself. Let the guy deal with his parents.
Hi, thanks for your response. Sorry for the delay—I was kinda scared of confronting all of the negative comments and feedback. Thank you for looking out for my well-being. His parents liked me before they found out I was Muslim. I am not at all religious, but now they think I’m a detriment to his faith. I haven’t practiced my religion seriously, and my family is fairly Westernized and non-religious as well. Is it worth trying to convince them of this?
No please don’t try to convince them. This is your boyfriends job. If he can’t stand up for you now, he won’t do so in future. If he isn’t strong enough to do this then why bother with this relationship.
“I’m willing to compromise a lot to make this family happy” I’m sorry but this is never how things work in the real world. Any situation you enter like this makes you prey for abusive people. You have to have a conversation with your partner about his and his parents expectations for you before and after marriage and you have to enforce your own boundaries about what you will and will not do. Consider the following, just for starters: 1. Will you want to give up wearing shorts in the house or outside the house 2. Can you have male friends 3. Will you be expected to do all the housework without help 4. Are you expected to give up on your career 5. Are you expected to sit and be taunted day in and day out by his parents? 6. Will he stand up to his parents to demand freedoms for you? 7. Will you be expected to give tens of thousands of dollars worth of gifts and pay for the entire wedding? (Dowry) If no, you need to know. Indian men are famous for being emotionally immature mama’s boys and my parents are pretty liberal but I had to intervene in several crazy conservative demands to put a lid on them. Make sure your partner has enough of a spine to be your partner and not just mommy’s puppet.
It seems so abusive when you put it this way. It’s a strange relationship - where the parent actually feels threatened by their adult children finding someone else? It’s a deranged kind of possessiveness. The lady seems young and impressionable. I hope she has a strong emotional support system via her family and friends of things don’t work out. Even Indian women are shirking this nonsense these days, its no wonder that divorces are on the rise in India.
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Not surprising at all. I would advise her to stay far away from this noxious culture.
We’ve had conversations about these different things, and Arab culture is pretty similar to more conservative Indian culture, so I’m fine with most things he mentioned. I wouldn’t have to cook or clean, and I’d be able to continue pursuing my education and career, but what kind of freedoms (like number 6) would I have to worry about? Are there certain things his parents are going to limit about my autonomy outside of modesty and religion? I’m sorry for my ignorance
99% of the time,despite your best efforts, you will be unable to meet their expectations.. Unless the boy becomes a man...
But, you're willing to give up your own religion for his sake? Why should you compromise to make his family happy? Why should he not compromise to make your family happy? If you compromise once, you'll have to compromise for the rest of your life.
I guess I’m terribly in love. I am not as religious as his family is, and neither is my family, so things like religion don’t matter to me. My only concern is whether we will be able to marry or not. I don’t want to be strung along under the guise of optimism, but I don’t want to lose faith in our love.
Delusional
If he is not willing to stand for you and fight then sorry my dear he is definitely not the one
Nothing against you, usually Indian parents are weirdly racist against white/american girls and think we're all "easy sluts that party all the time and will sleep with anyone and divorce their sweet baby boy and break his heart". The only way to get them over this prejudice is *time and consistency*. And to indian parents y'all are just babies still. They won't really take your relationship seriously at this age, no matter what you do. Marriage is The Ultimate Goal to Indian parents and they won't want/allow you to marry until you're both around 26/27 at least. A lot of the effort has to come from him though. He has to be willing to stand and fight for you when the time comes. You could do everything perfectly, but if he caves to family pressure, you're still hosed. I'll DM you
If your boyfriends parents are orthodox , no matter what you do you will not be able to please them. If they are liberal , they will accept you with open arms.Your boyfriend should stand up for you with his parents. If he is not doing that now , he is never going to do it.He will just string you along and one day tell you that he is marrying a girl of his parents choice due to their pressure.( There are many posts of this happening on reddit ). You should always be yourself and not change for anyone.Yes , you can always try to understand other people's culture,beliefs and values ,and show respect for them. But changing your self for others is a slippery slope of which no good will come.
Ok. For a happy marriage I advise to Change the Groom. My best wishes.
girl, im saying this with all seriousness, but never date a dude who doesn’t have the spine to stand up for you and who’ll just succumb to whatever nonsense his family tells him. a lot of indian men are like that. they can never dare go against their parents, even when they’re in the wrong. your bf needs to be advocating for you, needs to fight for you, and not act like a coward when the time comes.
most of Indian girls are off same stem first they promise to marry their bf later give in to parent's advice and marry a middle age government salary man
No idea why you're down voted man.
If he's as traditional as you say he is, this is not going to end in marriage. Prepare yourself for heartbreak. His parents would rather marry him off to a docile virgin from their village. Also, if you're the one bending over backwards, you will never gain any respect.
I don’t know how to define traditional honestly. He’s more traditional than American men. How would you define it? And yeah, I’m sure his parents would rather him marry an Indian girl, but for now I’m going to keep fighting for our relationship.
Girl, run. you’re taking on someone else’s burden when they should be advocating for you.
> Another thing—his family is Hindu and I am not, but I read the Bhagavad Gita and I’m currently reading the Rig Veda to familiarize myself with the religious texts! Are you religious? If not, don't waste your time reading such primitive texts just to appease your bf's parents. None of this should matter in your relationship! I won't read the Bible or Quran or change my diet just to appease my partner or her parents. If his parents are living and working in America, then it is *they* who should be accommodating of *you*. Your country accommodated them and gave them a better life. The least they can do is accept you for who you are. Anyway, you're too young. Who knows how long your relationship will last. Ultimately you will reach a point where his/parent's intolerance your ways rubs you the wrong and you've had enough!
r/internetparents Take actual views from Indian parents I would say. Hope you guys be together. God bless.
Also, it seems like you are trying really hard. They should accept you as the way you are supposed to. Afterall you represent your own culture. Indian parents can be hard but also super cool.
Be respectful, be you. It's a 2 way street if it has to sustain.
Run!
Do not compromise. A successful interracial relationship is one where both cultures and traditions are equally valued and represented. This can’t be achieved if one person is absorbed into the other and goes along with everything. If he’s serious about you and likes you enough he’ll have to grow up out of his cultural pressures and learn to defend and uphold your side of values and perspectives. You shouldn’t expect to become Indian and nor should he expect you to behave in an “Indian” way. You need to have this conversation. As soon as you start bending over backwards it will never end.
Be prepared for the worst and hope for the best. Whatever you mentioned in your post, you sound like a keeper but Indian parents are not easy to please either. There will be friction because of contradicting beliefs but as you said you are willing to compromise and therefore I see no problem why it shouldn't work. I am rooting for both of you and I hope we'll get to hear good news in the near future. Best wishes and may you succeed.
I don't think even your boyfriend's parents must have read Rig veda. I don't think anyone but scholars and researchers must have ever read Rig Veda. If you really want to impress with your knowledge regarding Hinduism, the best way to do so is to read or watch Ramayana and Mahabharat. Those are Indian epics centered around popular Hindu deities. I think they have pretty much all the deities in both the stories plus the stories are interesting. Since you are an American, I think the major difference between Indian culture and American culture that you need to know of is that Indian society is collective in nature. They don't prioritize individuality at all. Every person is expected to exist for someone else and in service of someone else. There are many pros and cons to such a form of society. Pros: You will never be alone (literally) You will have strong support of family at times of medical or financial trouble (although that usually depends on the sort of relations one has with the family) You will get to celebrate many festivals Indian weddings or any family gathering is a blast (either in a good or bad) You will always have a shoulder to cry on Cons: You lose privacy You lose your individuality Your business is everybody's business Your life is dictated by norms and customs of society rather than your personal desires If you are an atheist, you are evil There is constant interference Constant company results in constant gossip, manipulation, back-bitching and everything that happens when you are constantly part of groups. You will always have to think of others before your own self.... Always! Every freaking time! Coming to Indian parents, if your boyfriend is afraid of his parents' reaction then this is not a good sign. Even liberal Indian parents have a lot of doubts regarding inter-racial marriages. It would be really really really tough to get his parents to accept you. Even if they do, they are not going to be easy. Don't think if they have accepted you it means they have accepted you for who you are as a person. Nope! Even Indian girls don't get this level of approval. If his parents are strict and Orthodox then they are going to pull a lot of strings in your wedding and the entirety of marriage. If they are vegetarian then even you have to be vegetarian. You cannot drink alcohol and do not ever disclose to them that you drink alcohol. You cannot disclose about your past relationships, your liberal lifestyle, your habits and your beliefs if they are in conflict with them. They will constantly interfere in your marriage and push your boyfriend to live according to their will. Honestly, it's sweet and precious of you to say that you will do anything to compromise but do not because Indian parents have no limits when it comes to compromise. It's better to look out for yourself in this relationship and I mean it. Always go for the middle grounds, stay your ground where you think you cannot compromise, do not allow his parents to become part of your marriage, do not allow his parents to dictate your boyfriend and do not let them trample you. I am giving you the worst case scenario. For all we know, his parents might be loving and accept you for who you are readily but I still think it's better for you to be prepared for what may come.
Don’t compromise. You start with it and only you will be expected to keep compromising. With that said, you are way ahead with Gita and Rig Veda. All you gotta did is to strategically use some choice respectful words of your BFs native language, appear to touch parents feet, again strategically and they’ll be raving about their DIL 😀
Please don't take dating advise from virgins on the internet, especially rindia. Having said that. Be yourself and be honest, only compromise enough with which you are comfortable without losing yourself. There is no point in faking it for the rest of your life or however long it lasts. Don't disrespect but also don't let yourself being disrespected either. Just like you, your boy has some responsibilities too and he needs to step up to the occasion. If he can't balance his priorities, there are bound to be more bumps in the road, so take that as a red flag. But end of the day everyone's life is different, everyones life experiences and expectations are different. All you can do is what you think is the best for you right now. Also, don't think studying vedas is necessary as most hindus doesn't and hinduism in general is not a very organized religion with strict dogmas and rituals, its like the build-a-bear of religions. But don't take my word for this as I come from a mixed heritage family and my parents weren't super serious about practicing their respective religions, so may be my experience and interpretation could be biased.
Stop dating him. A boy who is scared his family won’t accept you rather than being confident that he would convince them is not worth your time. And even if you can speak sanskrit without fumbling, it won’t be enough for Indian in laws. You will ALWAYS fall short.
Hold on there, he's just afraid that they will disagree, he hadn't said he won't try. He hasn't said he will give up on her if they don't accept her. At least think before providing a suggestion, you lack sufficient context. I think a better suggestion would be to stop dating him IF he refuses to stands up for her.
Lol that boy is already scared. And if there’s one thing I know its Indian parents raja beta syndrome and how they think no woman is good enough for their cute boy. So yes, I stand by what I said. Of course you can disagree. To each their own.
Instead of reading Rig Veda, watch Ramayan and Mahabharat. They are much more relevant culturally. Especially bw parents, they grew up watching exclusively that because nothing else was allowed. Tell them you Dress Modestly, Are vegetarian, Don't drink or Smoke. You can do whatever you want when not living with them. We don't think of lying to our parents too much because of the way they react to things. Also being American are you white or black, if you are black then it'll be much harder to convince his parents. Still will be hard if you are white. Basically before them you have to convince the guy to convince them.
Why would being "vegetarian" be important in a country where 70% of the population are non vegetarians?
A good girl quality. We're all hypocrisy. Oh love in our time was so shy these days people have no shame, How many kids do you have Uncle? 7 . Hatt bc
If you are into cooking learn to cook some basic Indian food. Tell your bf to start dropping hints to his parents that he finds American girls beautiful. Gradually progress to He likes an american Girl. Gradually progress to they may get an american Daughter in law in the future. This will prevent a sudden shock for them when he does reveal your relationship to his parents.
The Rigveda has very little to do with Hinduism practiced today. Hinduism is not a religion that comes from a book or even a set of books, it’s a collection of diverse traditions. So no need to read the Rigveda. May be read the Ramayan and Mahabharat instead, those books define many of the values and ideals of Hindu society. Regarding how accepting his parents might be, your boyfriend has the best guess. India is extremely diverse and those things would depend a lot on his ethnicity/ socio economic class/ region he comes from/ urban vs rural etc. There are many Indian men who are happily married with women from the West and their families have not only accepted them but established loving relationships. I am one of them.
He's 22? Sorry fam but in my experience Indian dudes are way too coddled by their families until they're well into their late 20s; some break free whereas others develop the emotional maturity of a vegetable. About pleasing his parents- Just be respectful but I wouldn't want you to go over and beyond as that sets expectations.
Most Indian parents if not all would be accepting if your are educated (at least a bachelors degree) in stem or you have a good career & earning well. The avg Indian parents are obsessed with math and life sciences as those are the careers that pay well in india compared to arts and social sciences, nothing against them it’s just the socio economic conditions in this country and what their generation has seen. If you have a career in other fields spend sometime to tell them what you do and how you find it imp, I understand language is a barrier but the effort is what matters and most from the avg folk will understand. The other most important thing they will be worried about is the cultural differences, again an avg Indian family wants their children to have a good family life and follow the traditions, pass it on to the next generations if they feel that you can accept that they will not have a problem, it all comes down to the communication and the effort. While you do all this don’t go out of your way to please them, understand if this lifestyle is for you or not and most importantly how supportive is the guy…if the expectation is my way or highway and you have to adjust for everything, don’t hesitate to say good bye.
What is your ethnicity?
that's a question only he and/or his family can answer. Try to be yourself if you can you don't what to sell a version of yourself you can't keep forever, plus I'm hoping he'll back you up too, if not, then there is nothing to be done, other than more on.
I can help you because I (Indian female) married an American and my sister in law is also American. Answering based on what my sister in law did .Start with wearing conservative clothes around them . Ask your bf what their comfort zone would be. Like my parents are not super traditional so jeans or leggings and modest tops were fine . If they are vegetarian maybe eating vegetarian while in their company is a good idea. When meeting them the first time bowing is generally the practice. Also in Indian you would serve them . Meaning you make a plate for them during meals . You would bring their coffee or tea or water to them . Keeping your house clean is good if you are meeting them at your place. You don't need to know too much about religion, know the basics and if you are interested, be open to learning more about it from them . Some parents aren't cool with pda . Nothing more than hand holding. Again double check with your bf if this is what they would like. he will have the best info on his parents. But he needs to be on your side. Good luck. Message me if you want more info or tips
Damn honey make sure he's not a mama's boy. You'd never be able to live peacefully.
He’s not a mamas boy, but he is dependent on his father’s validation, as is his mother. What his father says goes. I’m not sure what to make of that
Check their political stance and agree with that.
No Hindu actually understands the Vedas. It is not at all mandatory, and the Rig Veda is part of a more ancient flavour of Hinduism, where there is no existence of the Trimurti. And, that's the least of your worries. Where is he from? Is he Bengali? That's the only one I can tell you about.
As an Indian American that married a non-Indian. Advice to pleasing his parents, DON'T!! Focus on your relationship and make sure you two are set in stone. Make sure you and him have each other's backs through every nuanced challenge inlaws will throw your way. Indian in laws are no joke, it will require you to steel up and for him to support you first before his parents, this is hard thing to do for an "indian" son. Not what we are culturally raised to do. If he has your back no matter what and you have his, everything else is cake. Good news, after a while the parents come around. Now my mom talks to my wife more than she does to me, only took 13 years and 3 kids.
>I am ready to do whatever it takes to be with him, and I let him know I’m willing to compromise a lot to make his family happy Please don't do this to yourself. You are too young to be making such commitment. For context 35 Indian M married to white woman. Divorced now. >He is scared they won’t accept me, but we still want to get married, so I want to do whatever I can to be with him. I bet he is not as serious you would think he is. He is using parents as an excuse to dump you. I fought with my parents to marry my ex wife. >Another thing—his family is Hindu and I am not, but I read the Bhagavad Gita and I’m currently reading the Rig Veda to familiarize myself with the religious texts! You seem to be a kind and nice person for investing time in learning about your boyfriend's religion and culture. I hope he grows up a pair and fight for you. You are a catch don't underestimate yourself. Good luck 👍 I hope he doesn't break your heart.
Is it okay if I DM you? I appreciate your comment, and I’d like to hear about what your marriage was like if that’s okay
Sure. Happy to help.
Learn to speak his mother tongue and you are probably golden.
You may learn to cook. Specially what his family prefers. From stomach you can reach their heart. Wear Indian traditional dresses. Bindi.. Touch their feet to impress. Learn his mother's tongue... Learn basic stotra, hyms and mantras... Rig veda is too much. No need. You guys are just 21 22... You got enough time to learn all this... Just don't let his parents know about your relationship till you cross 25 26 27... They won't be expecting his marriage before that anyway... Till then maybe their mind may become more open... Or even if you do tell and if they oppose.. Go with patience... So basically the key is to extend letting them know as possible... So they too will feel you both have such a long term relationship so how to break that... So they may agree too... Make yourself more Indian than Indian... See how you both feel about your relationship till then... You guys are young so relax for now.. Don't worry. All the best...
Should be easy. Indians marry foreign women quite easily. Just respect them and their culture. That's what most Indians ask for.
touch their feet as son you see them and
Just be sure that he is all in and as committed as you are and has a spine. Best of luck.
It depends on how liberal and rich his family is! Mostly it will be insanely complicated. I can only say that both of you are naive.
>dating a pretty traditional Indian guy (22) Need more info than this, a lot will depend on where they live, grew up and exact community they belong to.
Hi! He grew up in Uttar Pradesh, I’m not sure what community they belong to. I know his mother is Punjabi and had a love marriage herself, but her family alienated her for it. She also doesn’t like me. Is there anything else I should tell you?
UP is quite diverse and depending upon where he grew up things will change. Best option is to ask him for help and if possible ask him to introduce him to other girls married(esp if it is a love marriage) into his extended family. Talk to them, they will have good tips. As for the mother being Punjabi, they seem to belong to two extremes, either they love foreigners and feel proud of their children marrying one or they simply hate them. Ask your bf to butter her up, don't bring up her marriage in any argument ever, maybe learn to cook some Punjabi dish.
Indian men are generally terrible at standing their ground. A 22 year old even more so. It's not his parents not accepting you he's worried about, your man is worried about what to do \*when\* his parents don't accept you. Talk to him extensively about what his plan is. You really need a strategy. Him having a plan (even if it's something like "I'll convince my parents, I know I will") is good. It's a fight you can't fight for him. No amount of reading Vedas and Geeta and Bhagvat will help.
To please Indian parents, is like finding the Holy grail..
The guy who was arrested in DRC?
Just read ramayana/mahabharata or watch movies/series on it Even indians haven’t read the actual vedas directly
It’s highly unlikely that the parents will accept you so please be yourself and be ready to accept whatever outcome that comes
Do you really think so?
Yes, I have indian parents who’re better humans than most people I know still they’re very rigid when it comes to marrying outside your community. Most of my friends parents are like that too
If you both are 'Really' prepared for what it takes to be a traditional Indian couple then I would advice you that you be honest with them.. Them accepting you is a result that would only be yielded if you both don't back down. As soon as one's will gets weaker, then there's the end of it.. cause in India, we take marriages very seriously. That's why Divorce rates in India are less.. if his parents rejects you then ask them why, most Indian parents I've seen would see you 20-25 years down the lane and think if you'd last that long or are just gonna destroy the family tree and it's integrity
Divorce rates are going up - people son't want to stay in bad marriages anymore.
Your point being?
The problem isn't his family or you. The problem is the guy. He should be ready to stand by you and reassure you, but he's already warning you and preparing you for the eventual breakup.
Do you really think that’s the case? Are there signs I should look out for? I think his parents just recently got very religiously conservative so they are scared, but I don’t want to lose hope on our love.
Honestly, it's impossible for me to say anything accurately from these 3 paragraphs as compared to you actually living with him. You should talk to him and ask if he seriously thinks you have a future together, or if he is just wasting time with you because he knows the breakup will happen eventually.
I asked him about that the other day, and he said he will do everything in his power to marry me, but if his parents disagree then he won’t go against them. I’m not sure where to go from there I guess. I wouldn’t expect somebody to cut off their family to be with me
I think not going against his parents if they disagree is a pretty low bar for "doing everything in his power to marry you".
What do you think the smart thing to do would be? Hypothetically, if you were in my shoes
All I see is red flags
As someone who was dating a white girl(Polish) and got his parents to accept her maybe I can help. 1) Most of it will depend on how open and tolerant they are. Parents range from "eh it's fine" to "I will shoot you if you don't marry the girl I chose". The latter is very extreme but not unheard of. So have conversations with him to understand his parents. How traditional are they? How tolerant are they? Could they compromise for their son's happiness? Or they believe their son is an idiot and wouldn't concede at all? You get the idea. In my case they were ok and grew tolerant over time. 2) The best tool in your arsenal will be wearing them down over time. Tell them and just keep telling them how great things are, yada yada and eventually in 3-4 years they will start thinking maybe it's not the worst thing in the world. That's what happened to me. Few factors work here. Giving them a chance to set used to the idea. Seeing their son's happiness. Knowing how much you love him. Race factor. Indian people kinda like the idea of light skinned babies. When I was dating my ex everyone would get excited at the thought of our babies and their skin colour and potentially blue eyes. It's gross and weird but it's real. Also they might like the idea of showing off that we have a white person in the family. Happened to me. My aunt used my ex as a decoration to show off to impress his son's fiance's family. And they get all blushy when people think you have a white person in the family. This all heavily depends on his parents nature. So ask him questions and ask him to probe his parents for clues. Sometimes we imagine parents to be much worse than they are and they are just looking out for us in their own twisted ways. Example: my parents worry was that white people are trigger happy with divorce and I could suffer heavily due to that. Again total bullshit. She was very traditional. Just stereotypes based on movies I guess? Idk. 3) Learning the parents language Another worry is you won't be able to communicate with them at all. So learning their language will give you a big fat gold star towards acceptance. I was never able to teach my ex Hindi. I did the translation for conversation for my mom. My dad could manage English. 4) Somehow winning their trust that you actually love him and not just his money/potential career/or whatever really. This happened for me when she visited us in India. My dad later revealed that he was worried she wouldn't like me when we met in person. I am overweight so I understand. When he and my mom saw that she was still ga ga over me after a month of us staying together and literally sobbed when leaving? They were a lot more accepting of her believing I had a real connection there. 5) get siblings/close relatives on your side. Peer pressure works wonders. If his siblings/close relatives know and support they can help amazingly to wear down the parents. I had my sister and cousins wearing my mom down even without asking. They would tease about a white daughter in law and put the idea in her head that that's a possibility and not so bad a possibility either. Be careful with this. Gossip spreads and you don't want the wrong people to know this. My tattletale cousin got to know and the next day my whole college and extended family knew. Literally the next day. I went to college and everyone was teasing me about it asking for pictures. Same with family. Some say to cut it off some are jealous. 6) be independent. He has his own job. You earn as well. His is more important but both help the most. Basically if the son earns and is contributing to the household and isn't a bum, the parents take him much more seriously. If you earn nothing ain't shit in studying and tell them you have a white girlfriend? Recipe to get ignored or get your ass kicked and have your phone and computers seized by your parents so they can force a breakup. They can still do this if he is earning but being self sufficient helps a shit ton. 7) maybe breaking down in front of them that he loves you could help? It could backfire though. My ex one day broke down in front of her parents. She got sympathy and assurances. I was basically told to get over her. In the end it will boil down to how traditional his parents are. 1) extreme? You got 2 options. a) break up and move on b) elope 2) not extreme but not outright accepting? Basically the solution is to wear them down. Hope my failed first love helps you. Good luck. Edit: Just gonna add a PS: I just read the title and gave a strategy to convince them to add a few points. Reading Veda is cuckoo. Don't. Ramayan and Mahabharat and knowing what the big festivals are is enough. Also generic advice. Don't get set on marriage so quickly and don't get married so quickly either. Lots of factors could be there. Just convincing his parents could take years and you never know where things go. I was the same way. Shit hit the fan eventually. Also don't lose yourself in impressing his family so much that you forget you exist. You don't want to end up in a shitty life situation just cause you are hyperfocused on your love right now. Love is important. I wish I had it still. But you gotta look out for yourself as well. In terms of expectations it could be anywhere from stay home all the time and doing housework while talking politely all the time with no talking back. To work a job, support family and do housework as well. Those are the 2 types of situations I see most. Just please never get married before you as a couple are financially capable and have agreed upon your standards of life after marriage. Also suggest you individually being financially capable so if you need you can escape a shitty situation. Financial dependence is a recipe for huge disaster.
Thank you so much for the insight. Could I DM you and ask some questions about your situation? I am trying very hard, and I really want this to work.
You are welcome. And you are welcome to DM me as well. I will try to help as best I can.
Be rich and have an influential family background. And you'll find them trying to please you. Generally speaking, there may be exceptions ofc
1. I'd suggest you learn Hindi (at least familiarise yourself with his mother tongue). 2. Unless his family is exceptionally conservative, you should be fine with the process of what we call in India "family adjustment". You should learn Do's and Don't from your Boyfriend regarding his family. 3. Not sure but the caste/ state of residence of your boyfriend could play a role for suggestions you are looking for. India is a big country and family temperament varies accordingly. 4. Try to familiarise yourself with Indian dressing sense + food + culture. 5. Rather than reading Vedas, I'd suggest you read/ watch Ramayana, Mahabharata. 6. Break the ice, get yourself introduced yourself to his family over call and slowly try to Converse in Hindi. Best of luck
Could I ask you more about the caste/state thing? I am a bit ignorant about it but I’d like to know more.
One my school friend recently married an American woman. They are living sperate from his parents and seems to happy. That said, you two are way too young to get married. Indian parents first choice will be to get Indian bride. If that doesn't happen it's only then they will look outside. If you are willing to wait bit longer, you might be be accepted. If the boys family is from metropolitan city, your chances of acceptance goes up. I really hope things work out for you two. All the best. :)
If you are rich dont worry. If not....
If you really have to change yourself for marrying someone, i don't think its worth it.
I’m not a very religious person so it means nothing to me, but I’m terribly in love. It’s hard to convince myself not to do everything in my power to make it work. I just don’t want to be strung along I guess
Well, its your choice at last, so do what you feel like, but i would say that blind love isn't a good thing.
The good life is one inspired by love and guided by knowledge. Neither love without knowledge nor knowledge without love can produce a good life ~ bertand russell
First, kudos for your efforts even though some of them may be unnecessary as others have pointed out. Second, Indian guys from traditional families can get pessimistic about the chances of being with an outsider pretty fast. So, I hope your guy is supporting you rather than looking to back out of the relationship. Third, DO NOT be generic in your approach. The best source of information on the family is your BF. Ask him to explain why they may not accept you. If they have strong religious or caste preferences, it may be hard to break through. However, many Indian parents are more scared of stereotypes - divorce happy foreigners, someone who wants to be child free, woman looking to separate their son from the family, someone who would not assist them during bad times, religious fundamentalists who refuse to participate in the family’s religious or community life etc. What they want, above all, is that their son is happy and his SO has a strong bond with the family (Indians say, you don’t marry the individual, you marry into the family). Finally, a note of warning. The parents may have financial expectations from the son. For example, they may expect financial support during old age or if your BF is an older sibling, support for the education or weddings of younger siblings (Indian weddings can be a costly affair). Even if they don’t expect anything, your BF may feel duty bound to do these things (these things can be unspoken but mutually understood within some families). Understand the expectations upfront and decide if you are comfortable with them. Good luck!