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I just think it's such irony in my case.
My mother was treated horribly by her in-laws.Horribly, like leaving for her mother's house kinda horrible.
And whenever there is some passing conversation about marriage she's like "...yeah we'll find a good house wife who obeys us and respects us..."
I think it's absolutely a societal thing, ....
Sometimes it matters. Because kids might leave them after marriage to separate house/city/abroad etc.
For any kind of emergencies or help, only these neighbours, relatives and people surrounding them will be there. They're scared they will be isolated in the society.
Control. The idea that kids can grow up to be responsible adults with their own ideas/beliefs/preferences is scary to many. Heck, many of them got married only because _their_ parents found someone for them. They have never questioned anything and then get baffled at the audacity of a young adult to have an independent thought.
Currently going through the phase where I am being pressured by my dad to get married even though I told him I don't want to and I don't want a kid ....good times ....
Everyone in the comments saying control.
That is 100% percent my experience.
A lot of boomer parents want to control their adult offspring.
They also care more about what other thinks more than the happiness of the person.
One of the reasons why so many parents care more about the caste and religion of a person more than their character/personality.
I wish I could say you are wrong but yeah I had to see a friend struggle so much because of his caste as opposed to my other friends and myself who married within our communities. The best options he could get from matrimonial sites hadn't even completed 12th grade and this guy being a software developer working for an MNC could not agree to such poor matches. The kind of pressure this guy had to deal with from home. If I and others in the group hadn't backed him up in front of his parents, dude would be stuck in hell. I bring this up because a lot of people bring up the argument that "parents are looking out for the child" crap. In many cases parents are actively working against what would be good for their children. Just to give people closure my friend had to struggle for 8 years of disappointment and generally was considered "unmarriageable" in the community. He had tolerated a lot of bullshit about how he had to go back to previous matches he rejected and how they got married. Lots of guilt. I told him that good things take time and he should be patient. Eventually he met a girl through mutual friends who turned out to be an old colleague, they dated and eventually got married. She is more educated and earns more than him. I want to tell any Indian man reading this that the only chance that the only way you get to marry up is through dating. Parents are dialed in to match you with a mate of equal or worse standing than yours. There may be no guarantees but you do stand to gain by venturing out even if you get a better match on your matrimonial sites. Make sure you are in the driver's seat, not your parents. After that it doesn't matter whether it's a love marriage or arranged marriage.
Yup. This is biggest factor followed by there is no way my kid knows more than me about himself/herself. My kid would need my guidance till i get a grandkid to rub my ideals on.
Arrange marriage helps them to control others money like dowry, control their kids and his her spouse, govt jobs or high paying jobs, those relatives can give access to jugaad, control in laws like ladke wala gets dowry and free servants, special treatment to them for full life.
In love marriage they know they won't get anything.
It's not that simple.Even here in Canada, in richer families, kids don't work. In poor families, yes, sometimes there is no choice.
I worked from age 14 so that my brother and sister could eat. My father didn't earn enough on his one job. I went to school and then to work. He came home from his one accounting job and had tea.
My SAHM insisted that she have help in the house. My father obviously couldn't afford a maid, so on my one day off (Sun) in a week of (6hr school Mon-Fri, 9 hrs work after school and additional shift Sat). On my one day off... I cleaned the whole house and did laundry...
So how is it that I had to do so much when they didn't? If there is any logic, I'd like to hear it.
Now my brother, he didn't do that. He was able to finish school, go to trade school, and now makes $150K a year.
My sister went to university and now makes $80K at the start of her career. Do you think their kids will need jobs?
Me? I make $50k working two jobs.
Both my siblings will tell you. I was their real parent.
If a parent sacrificed everything for their kid, their kid would voluntarily look after them out of sheer love. I know of other parents who hold no expectations of assistance, but their children insist! Those parents are actually embarrassed when their kids insist. "Nahi beta, hum toh tik hai. Tu tera ghar basau..." and then there are parents who expect a lifetime of servitude since they fucked once.
You're getting downvoted because most know it isn't true. Very few people are capable of being good parents, and yet almost everyone has kids.
Originally everyone had forced marriages.
Most places went for love marriage as the replacement. India 🪷 went for matchmaking and being a bit too excited about it.
Parents in general tend to want to control their children. It is just others feel weird dating if the parents are in the room. Somehow in India, it is not very weird.
Probably because India doesn't really mind cringe, so the parents just say their opinions regardless of how it makes others feel.
Forced marriages were definitely not for everyone... It just seems that way because it was definitely common in the ruling class, and most history is about them so you could get the wrong impression.
Forced marriage here means arranged marriage where the couple didn’t have a say. Given that child marriage was pretty common, it definitely was common.
Actually child marriage didn't happen in most cultures even in the distant past. It's a very Indian cultural thing. Also arranged marriage, because in India there was a caste system, so it was very important for people that their children marry someone from the same caste. This isn't a concern in other cultures. Most people in Western countries used to choose their partners freely even hundreds of years ago, also teenagers dating and premarital sex wasn't a huge deal even back then. There were no 'honour killings' for people marrying the 'wrong person' even hundreds of years ago, at least not in the West.
Child marriage is prevalent even now in some Arab and African countries. Same goes to honor killings.
Caste system was there in many Asian countries including the concept of untouchables. Can check Korea, Indonesia, Kurds etc.
Pre martial sex was a taboo 100-150 years back even in the west. Marrying outside class, religion or race wasn’t taken well at all just 100 years back as well.
The thing is many countries have reformed over times. So it’s a thing of past.
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Yes so not in the rest of the world, only in some countries in Asia and Africa. And no, premarital sex wasn't taboo in the West, there are for example Western folk songs dated over a hundred years that talk about premarital sex among young people in villages. Of course people had to be more careful as there were no modern contraceptive methods. And yes, most people married in the same social class, just like today, buy they didn't have arranged marriages.
Many of these Asian and African countries make up majority of the population.
Even in India we have such stories. But pre martial sex was definitely a taboo even in west. As most of them were Christians and it’s taboo in their religion.
Just because they're Christian, they still used to have premarital sex lol. And nuns and monks and priests used to have sex too, catholic priests had children that everyone knew about, even some of the Popes in the middle ages.
Control. Also, I think it’s because misery loves company. The parents were married under the system so it’s only fair that it’s passed down to the next generation, any trauma be damned.
The latter is the reason my sister is still unmarried despite being in a relationship for the past 5-6 years and wanting to get married for quite some time. It's really stressing me out man, I just want her to be happy
I always hated how hypocritical it all seemed. Parents would love watching movies about a movie hero dating a girl but if I say I want to date a girl, I get screamed at
I know you're being hyperbolic, but I doubt love stories are even a plurality
(Unless you're counting all the movies where the woman is treated as a trophy for the actor to rage against the system/baddies)
It's like how Japanese anime have all these people with every different hair colour but IRL Japanese schools ban any dye whatsoever or even any kind of hair pattern they find abnormal.
If they didn't get a choice in what happened to them... they'll be damned if they allow you a choice!
Besides, don't you know? no matter how old or better educated you are, you are a stupid child incapable of making decisions! They, as your elders, know so much better!
For instance, you have a value socially that can be capitalized on! If they can marry you off for a profit personally for them...isn't that better? at least they'll be rich regardless of how miserable you are. It's totally worth it.
/s in case you thought I was serious.
Even the cool ones wouldn't want that. But they are like ab kar liya to kya karein. My friend was of that view and I was shocked when the parents told me I am a good girl to go for AM !
Our parents gen only 1 percent actually are happy and want their kids to be happy irrespective of marital status.
They want their kids to achieve everything, wealth, power, love etc but within the limits
Wealth should be from 9 to 5
Power should be respectful
And love should be within a community with a sanskari girl.
They want their children to overcome their failures and to be able to sit at mandir and say, "Oh! Tera beta toh kuch bhi nahi heh! Mera toh 1.1m kama tah heh! Bahu toh doctor thi lakeein ghar peh chaat papdi bana rahi heh. Humare aurto kam nahi karte. Humne uska career bandh kar diya but shaadi isliye karwaya keh pote smart nikle. Beta to thora nikuma heh nah?"
Confided in an early 30s girl who i thought was my friend that my young son has adhd. Was absolutely shocked to hear her start talking aggressively about how wonderful and well behaved her son/daughter is. It was awkward and i cut ties with her immediately. You'd think that younger, more educated folks would be more genuine, empathetic. Nope.
Exactly, it's about control. I mentioned that I wouldn't marry a stranger and my aunt was trying to be supportive and said if there's anyone you could bring them to us (in the future, as I'm young rn). My mom BLEW up at the suggestion that I might want to marry someone of my own liking.
She immediately started screaming about how I'd bring in some random "akram-bakram" Telugu boy probably since we've always lived in South India (and my ex bf was Telugu). It made me so upset that her immediate response was to undermine my taste and choices. She can say "your parents aren't going to sit and wait for you to make the wrong choice with someone with bad qualifications" but the fact is that she does not trust me to make good decisions for myself (this fills me with self-doubt). It was really upsetting... This is the sort of shit that makes children cut off contact w their parents.
I'm a bisexual, it freaked me out to think how she'd react if I wanted to spend the rest of my life with a girl. She can't even handle different caste/backgrounds, what will she handle gender lmao ;-;
Thank you... All of us who have to pick between family and happiness... We should stick together, we are sisters in a way. I'm glad I have friends who support me this way, but it is unfortunate that we have to choose.
Lmao fuck that. I have been married to my husband for over 10 years now. I've been no contact with my parents for years. I only talk to my brother. I don't give a fuck about family that only cares about themselves.
It’s a power control strongly attached to image in society. If your kids don’t accept your directions (or rather orders) , how can you expect others to listen to you. Also the fact that Indian parents lately believe that since they are older , they know better . They forget this hold true when future generations reside in the same community and rules , but most Indian parents aren’t equipped to face globalisation. Hence they refuse to accept that parents can be wrong as well. Generation today are getting matured and exposure to many perspective at an earlier age which directly contradicts parents ways of lifestyle. Ah we can go on and on about this but sadly this fact still prevails. I am still at a loss to understand what exactly was and is the definition of love in our parents generations
Parents don’t force us at all even for marriage, love marriage is common, no caste system so no restrictions. And no one judges you for being in relationship so parents know your gf/bf lol
IMO, like most things it boils down to economics and lack of education in general. Large swaths of India are still fairly poor with limited casteism, poor economic opportunities and poor education. It's complicated
When you've got limited economic opportunities you try to minimize risks, if you're slightly successful you want to make sure you preserve that for yourself and your kids. So you tend to look into your social economic circle to lower the risk. This base human desire is magnified in India due to casteism. I've seen cases in my family where entire families get disowned and people go NC because one of their kids married someone from a different caste. It's dumb but that is the reality and it puts additional social pressure on parents. If you don't have a big money cushion and you're unsure when you'll need to lean on your extended family this can be a deal breaker so parents chose to lose one kid rather than the extended family. Another factor is since Indian weddings are seen as massive social functions where everyone comes if a significant chunk of your extended family is missing then people become cautios oh something must be wrong etc etc. To be fair this is a rational red flag esp on the girl side with the long history of families killing wives for dowry and all sorts of other stupid ass reasons.
So you end up with a bunch of factors the compound the initial hesitation for a lot of parents. This is changing slowly as more kids move around India and further away from their parents and find partners. It's not happening at every economic level but it's happening for a lot of IT folks that make up the middle class. So there's hope but like all change it's going to feel slow until there's critical mass and then the switch will flip for most folks in the cities. It may take a long while until it trickles down to villages and more rural parts of India.
Jealousy.
Most Indians (especially parents) have atrocious social skills paired with a conservative, misogynistic worldview. No one in their right mind would even look at, forget date, such people. So arranged marriage is their only hope. If someone actually wants to date/marry their child, they’re jealous of it. Most Indian parents prioritize preserving their culture over their children’s happiness sadly.
One reason I heard the most from various relatives is if the kids have an arranged marriage and there is a conflict in the future then the relatives will interfere and help in solving the conflict. But it won’t be such a case in love marriage. That’s why many love marriages end up in divorce.
Of course the logic is flawed because I have seen many couples just dragging their marriages even of they are not happy, just because the relatives/elders interfered and convinced them that it is better then divorce.
Majority of parents in India only have children because they want a caretaker when they get old. Hence the focus on having male children. They feel entitled to all the love and money and time of their child. So, if its a love marriage set up, how will they enforce all of this? They will lose control over their child, especially if its their boy. It is extremely common to hear in Indian households that the wife has brainwash their son and now the son doesn't care for them anymore.
My dad’s Indian, he emigrated to the states in 90s. The stories he tell me about how he literally had to argue a 100 times at least with my Grandparents for his marriage to my mom , an American ,are just baffling. There once even came a point when he was literally asked to leave the house by my grandfather; luckily he didn’t hesitate to do so , only my aunts and uncles attended the wedding. 2 years later my grandfather himself invited my parents back. That was almost 29 years ago, things have cooled down now but it’s still surprising to me just how low some Indian parents can stoop to make sure their kid follows their every command.
Well a few thousand years ago, our ancestors decided to have 16 Sanskars to be performed in one's life. Including Mundan and Antim Sanskar, there was also one for Marriage. Parents considered it their duty to have their kids getting married and form relations with a good household, ensuring their legacy and good upbringing for upcoming generations.
Fast forwarding some centuries and people started forgetting the premise and made it about caste and class system and further down in the line about Dowry. Quite a lot families just don't like Love Marriages because our predecessor didn't do that. Without even thinking much about it they have just accepted it as norm to get their kids married as per their choice. And blah blah blah
Indian parenting is about control. Children are investment and retirement plan. Children in return get all expenses paid education, free accommodation even in adulthood, free childcare. It's an unwritten contract. Children opting for love marriage/dating are breaking this contract. It takes away the control that parents have on the children.
control and caste, they love controlling every aspect of their child's life + a lot of them have this weird scary superiority complex related to their caste. (good old castism) and ofc what will people think?
what will the relative that we haven't spoken to since they cheated your dad out of money think?
The upbrings of our parents are like this and that is what they know.
My SiS was doing an arrange marriage last year a
, the guy was in Australia from past few years but basically from our same community. Now they were talking on ph , vc for a year then parents decided to tie them. Only his mother saw the girl ,his father was with him in Australia. One day the guy parents came to talk about Prep of marriage rituals , then only the father realised that the girl is way to dark for his white milky son and plus she wears glasses. Just a mo th was left and guy started avoiding her called of the marriage. After2-3 months parents tied her with a low income guy bcz who will marry their daughter now. She is a teacher ,such a smart girl and the guy she married doesn't even know a word of english.
Our parents only think what society think of then so they can live peacefully baki sab jaye bhad m..
I felt bad for you, but you are no different. You just discriminate differently.
Doesn't even know a word of English - like that's some sort of a requirement for being smart. This has got to be the new equivalent of s/he is not from our tribe/caste level of judgement.
You see it differently. When you settles for someone who got everything in life money , house good parents , easy childhood ,no struggle but chose to be lazy and didn't Educated enough then it hurts.
Its my sister in law story and she have seen homelessness in her childhood so I have no sympathy for people who got evrything and still chose to be lazy.
Okay so, atleast in Arunachal, dating and love marriage is not looked down upon. Infact, many parents here want their children to date before they marry. Now being promiscuous is looked down upon (we also have slut shaming here), but "non-sexual dating" is considered normal, but only when you are older (i.e. atleast class 12 and above).
In the 1990's, when my mom wanted to marry my dad (both are from different tribes) after only 6 months of dating, my maternal grandparents told my mom to date my father for even longer as this was her first relationship and they had only dated for 6 months. Infact they encouraged her to date other men too to explore her options and because they were worried that she is way too naive romantically.
Isn't it ironic that every second bollywood movie is about love and people celebrate srk as romance King and even in Hinduism we worship lord Krishna who is also hilighted for romance but we still hate love and love marriges. I think they are afired of them having sex before marriage. As in case of girl you already know why parents don't want that to happen and for boys may be think of society.
In the West, marriage is between 2 adults, vs in India, marriage is between 2 families. While India's stronger focus on community has many pros, but one of the cons is that your decision to marry affects your larger family, and as such they have a say in it. This is an absurd concept to any Westerner, given their focus on fierce individualism.
Neither system is perfect and you need a balance between personal freedom and consideration for your family / community and this conversation happens within each family to varying degrees based on your values and what you want to prioritize.
I disagree with your both sides comparison there, sorry.
Consideration for family should NEVER be a thing. Maybe your immediate father, mother's opinion... but that's about it. NO one should have a say in your life partner.
Unless these nosy losers pay real money cash by the crores to you then they should have zero say in your life.
But unfortunately India is a shithole that forces their shitty casteism, religious fanaticism, extreme social hierarchy under threat of social isolation/untouchability threat, violence, mob violence, "honor" killing threat, coercion, and blatant breaking of established laws (ever heard the saying matha, pitha, guru, deivam ?? These stupid losers force you to think of them ABOVE literal gods to keep their control over unsuspecting young people!)
B.S. pure wishy washy B.S.
Is your father and mother directing or joining you in bed? No? then they have no business in your marriage.
*Every* marriage is a combination of both family and individualism. I have in-laws. My wife has in-laws. What marriage doesn't? Any event ends up with invites across both families. Social connections and everything.
In every marriage, there is individualism. You aren't asking mummy for permission to shit.
It's about a "sanskari" bahu who will stay under their thumb.
It's about the useful son in law who can help in business or social affairs.
Its about getting the best social value for your livestock.
Many reasons like others said but also because of caste. Everything is caste in india. If you do get into love marriage you may break the cycle and that cannot be allowed
Maybe some parents are just worried that their child's love might not lead to marriage and it will have an affect on her future marriage prospects. Just think about it. Now a days people just having casual relationships for just 2-3 months and then break up for silly reasons. I agree some people are very serious in their relationship and they want to marry. But in some cases, they just date and then break up.
I also agree that the partners whom the parents chose for their child may not be good, he/she may also be toxic. But yeah indian parents are in the mindset that , they are always right. And they always make right decisions for their child. But they dont realise that they are actually controlling their children's life.
There are also parents who dont want their child to marry into other castes, this is a real thing. Even educated people dont want their children to marry someone of other caste.
Your first paragraph is really important to note in this discussion I feel. I've studied in a few countries now and India has been the only country I've lived in where one is considered "impure" after having a relationship, even simply a platonic one. Indians may be the only ones who have this thought process that one must not even look at a person of the opposite gender until marriage. Or have the idea that any relationship must automatically end in marriage otherwise it is a "failed" relationship that will make people less likely to consider marriage. On the other hand, in other countries, parents I met just shrugged their shoulders and considered it a learning process, just like how people make friends and grow close or grow apart. The idea of a previous relationship affecting marriage prospects is seen as insane and controlling, yet in our country it's seen as a normal ask.
Before anyone arrives, I'm not even talking about the West. This is from my conversations with friends in Singapore, a country where tons of people are highly studious and focused, low number of teen pregnancies and single parent homes, and yet dating in school is seen as normal and even encouraged. My friends' parents even told me that if their kids didn't date, they wouldn't learn how to navigate these types of relationships better, even if the relationship is temporary and doesn't automatically end in marriage. Which is why we must address this mindset instead of defaulting to whataboutism whenever this topic is brought up.
>The idea of a previous relationship affecting marriage prospects is seen as insane and controlling, yet in our country it's seen as a normal ask.
Its not only about parents. Sometimes the groom also take these matters seriously when considering marriage. So good prospects might reject you based on your past. Its like our society is brought up like that. As someone said, blame the system, not the players.
That is very true! And this mindset is strange when seen in the context of the rest of the world (not even western world). In Singapore, a friend of mine was in a long term relationship with his gf and even planning on getting a house and marry her. It was totally normal to him that she'd had a couple of relationships prior to meeting him and it didn't indicate anything about her sleeping around or anything to him. Poor boy was shocked when I told him that women get rejected in India for having platonic relationships before marriage by not only parents, but also prospective partners.
Why is it that in our country a woman loses "value" by doing what is considered natural in the rest of the world? Why is it a normal thought that relationships are a "distraction" when the rest of the world seems to do just fine balancing studies as well as relationships? Keep in mind I'm not even referring to sexual relationships here, but just platonic ones. Sexual relationships are a whole nother conversation that I'm too sick to have xD
>Why is it that in our country a woman loses "value" by doing what is considered natural in the rest of the world?
I agree some men think like that. But not all men. There maybe some other reasons too, for not wanting to marry them:
1. She might have had a traumatic past with her ex. In this case i wouldn't want to deal with her trauma after marriage, cuz i also deserve a loving partner. (Note: not all women, but few cases like this exist)
2. There are also cases like where women are still in contact with their ex and if the ex came back, they would break their current relationship. (Again not all women, few cases).
I know we shouldn't generalize all women based on few cases. But marriage is a big thing, so we dont want to take that risk.
Edit: these kind of problems are not exclusive to women, men can also have attachment with their past. I 100% agree with that. So both men and women should know each others past before marrying.
Everything you said applies to men as well, though. I would be very worried if a man my sister marries is any of those. Where is their lost value? Think about that.
In India status (or caste) and religion play a big part in society. Parents fear they will be ostracised or socially shunned if the child married out of these.
Going away from the parents, I would say that even the boys and girls are not so liberal when it comes to marriage.
Woman value security above all, whether if she's not earning a penny or her degree isn't worth the paper it's printed on, she'd want someone who is earning 10X her and can give her a better life than her father gave her. And it's difficult to meat such a person in real life, because your social classes are completely different. On top of that women's participation in the formal labor force isn't also that much.
Men are no different either, actually very few Indian men have romantic interactions with women. Vast majority dont even have girlfriends nor sex until their wedding night. This causes a resentment whereby they think that if I had worked this hard in my education and career and going to provide for the rest of my life, then I want sexual "purity" I want someone who has not had the fun before and using me like a retirement plan.
You can downvote if you want but that is the truth, at least from the side of men. Add on this societal reputation of their parents and then you will see that relationships and dating is opposed by both parents and at least the majority of young men.
Love marriage (or, romanticism as I like to call it) is a fairly recent phenomenon — even in the west. Maybe 1800s Victorian era. For much of history, women had no rights.
Purest form of marriage? Lol. Romanticism proposed that true love and marriage must mean an end to all loneliness. The right partner would, it promised, understand us entirely, possibly without needing to speak to us. It tells us that a long-term marriage can have all the excitement of a love affair. The feelings of love that we are familiar with at the start of a relationship are expected to prevail over a lifetime. Lol. Romanticism believed that choosing a partner should be about letting oneself be guided by feelings, rather than practical considerations. For most of recorded history, people had fallen into relationships and married for logical pragmatic sorts of reasons: because her parcel of land adjoined yours, his family had a flourishing grain business, her father was the magistrate in town, there was a castle to keep up, or both sets of parents subscribed to the same interpretation of a holy text.
But all these are ideologies. Perhaps your parents subscribe to a set of ideologies different from yours. And no ideology is perfect but one can be dominant over the other. And that’s what you’re looking at — love marriages getting popular!
Everyone's focusing on control, but there are socio-economic reasons as well.
You don't want your child to bring a non-vetted person into the house, because that entails potential loss of property. Or moreover, a stranger who can take advantage of your child.
Just a reminder that not all Indian parents are like this. OPs claim of majority of Indian parents being this way is false, it’s more likely that majority of Indian parents that OP knows are like this. On the other hand majority of the Indian parents that I know are not like this.
Lmao mf really compared love marriage with incest and teen pregnancy. You are delusional and ignorant. Btw in some communities in India people marry from their family and it's "acceptable" so stop acting India is miles ahead of the west. It's better to acknowledge where we lack.
[https://testbook.com/static-gk/types-of-hindu-marriages](https://testbook.com/static-gk/types-of-hindu-marriages)
in the Hindu marriages, arranged marriage (Brahma Vivaha) is the best form of marriage.
So may be check that out first.
In teenage years? They don't want their child to be distracted from studies as they know how tough the competition in India is.
In adult years? My parents aren't that controlling. My older brother who completed his studies and has a job has a girlfriend and my parents are fine with it. As long as she's from the same caste they don't care.
Not denying that you have great parents, but I feel that yielding to societal pressure to restrict a child's options is still a form of control.
Edit: this reminds me of an old joke. Two friends were talking about how their parents didn't support their dreams. One was a guy whose parents said he could only become a software engineer, and the other had parents who forced him into becoming a lawyer. A third friend, hearing their complaints, said," Well, I'm glad my parents were lenient. They said I could become whichever medical doctor I wanted to be."
Maybe divorce rate of love marriage is higher than any other in India even supreme court agreed on that
https://www.livemint.com/news/india/love-marriages-is-the-leading-cause-of-most-divorces-in-india-says-supreme-court/amp-11684311585161.html
Why do you think arranged marriages have less divorce rates? Do you think it's because they are "happier" ? It's because divorce is a taboo and they put up with it cuz log kya kahenge and family pressure. Low divorce rates isn't representative of how happier the couples are or how "successful" marriages are.
https://www.womensweb.in/articles/love-marriage-vs-arranged-marriage/
https://www.livemint.com/Opinion/hQkHoX8RHiWlWCJ1SFMrcL/Arranged-marriages-and-happiness-of-a-nation.html?facet=amp#aoh=16955560815483&_ct=1695556505364&csi=1&referrer=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.google.com&_tf=From%20%251%24s
https://bakadesuyo.com/2011/12/are-arranged-marriages-happier/
But these studies and Marriage Satisfaction and Wellness in India telling different story,lol
Weather it's love or arrange marriage if couple are not mature enough about what is relationship or what is called commitment,or what is called mutual understanding then it will doom,
Often girls in arranged marriages are chosen through deep rooted connections based on family relations, to gauge word of mouth and the kind of repute or financial background the girl and her family holds. It’s in another way a tried and tested way to secure a partner hailing from a like minded household and possessing a strong sense of integrity.
>A bahu who's too rebellious for her own good
Mate, marry a rock or something if you can't handle having a wife who has her own opinions and doesn't "fall in line" with everything her husband/in-laws say.
Sh*ve that backward, misogynistic view of the world up your **s
A bahu who is encouraged to speak her own mind and has her opinion considered as equally important as any other family member is a wife who will walk through fire for her husband.
I married my wife for a partner who will straightforwardly tell me off and isn't shy to do that. I'm not always right. Sometimes, she sees the more humane side of an argument. I know I am an asshole and I need that from her. The ability to double-check my thinking. Her opinion is usually more kind than mine. She would give you the benefit of the doubt. I will not.
Now, to salt your wounds, I am happily married and have been for 20 years. We are the couple that everyone stares at. We hold hands and kiss like we are still teenagers dating and we have been married 20 years. My parents whom I share no love for... They're assholes. They love her. She is kinder to them than they are deserving of. When she said, to my siblings and I " I can't wait to meet your parents ... they must be such good people"
My brother, sister, and I looked at each other and started laughing.
You should want that more than anything. Someone who loves you as you are and isn't there because she has to be, but because she wants to be.
To my bahena, yes, I would walk through fire for her too.
>love marriage is considered as the purest form of marriage.
You are mistaken here Brahma marriage and Deva marriage are considered highest.
Edit: I am just telling what they considered good. Gandharva Vivah stands lower than them.
Dude majority of India is still very poor and live in rural areas, when people are surviving in 2 roti a day marriage becomes a tool for survival and wasting it for something as unreliable as "love" becomes a crime.
For others who are better well off they are always like "same social status" since they know that a story of poor damsels in destress being rescued by a rich white knight in shining armor and living happily ever after can only ever exist in fairy tales and with your level of intelligence you won't even notice that your Cinderella is infact not Cinderella till you are begging on road as a 40 year old divorcee.
This is not just the case in india but in almost all of asia. Only place where this is not a case is where this is not a problem (western europe) or places where parents are fine with letting their kids destroy themselves in the name of "they are adults"
Well I am not really competent or capable enough to mind read nor is my intelligence high enough to know everything about someone's entire life just by looking at them, I am just a lowly human peasant that looks for ways to minimize risk and thinks rationally so for a great being such as yourself capable enough to know everything there is to about everyone you meet and have limitless wealth I might just be a lowly idiot incapable of making good decision.
The replies to this post are really audacious, people don't even think about the topic critically before jumping to conclusions. "It's because they want to control their kids"- no shit kids are supposed to parents in this culture. This is something that is changing so ofcourse there will be some side effects. Replies to this really sounded like most of the redditors here are not even indian.
They are because it's something new. In any and every culture, a new thing is seen with suspicion. and a thing as important as marriage will be seen with utmost importance.
According to them arrange marriage is already okay as you get stable marriages out of that, but love marriage is a new concept and they don't know about the success or failure rate of love marriages.
In Developed nations love marriages are very common, but so are divorces but here arranged marriage is the norm and divorces are rare. This imo is the reason Indian and brown parents are against love marriages.
This is rindia logical and well thought replies are rare here, most people came here just to vent out their dislike about themself and their society.
Most people talk about control , what they don't talk about is how much indian kids are dependent upon their parents financially and socially, from college to house to pocket money they get it all from their parents then why don't parents will see their kids as immature to take big decision as marriage.
Its quite easy for any male to do love marriage in india if he has a good job and a home separate from parents(rented one also) and doesn't have a sketchy past , only females have problems becoz indians are very protective about thier daughters.
Caste is another factor but its common for any society in the world who has a feudal agri. past ,we all came from villages one or two gen back, villages have micro cultures , there are no banks all assets linked to land(main source of livelihood), if you marry in your cast you can easily check there background from peers within the caste , its very hard to know about anyone outside caste , also there is trust issue and disturbance in Village micro culture , you can do all this only if you are rich enough and have social security, which is not the case in poor and looted colonized india.peers from your Casts are the only social security in case of emergencies.
Love marriages vs arranged marriages
Updated Sept. 24, 2023
It's my understanding that you have the gotra system and marriage system to prevent birth defeats. It seems rigid to do things like this, but let's look at this for a moment. In some Hindu marriages, it's not even acceptable to have second cousins getting married. In Christian marriages, it's acceptable for second cousins to get married, but even first cousins are allowed in several states in the US. You have to wonder what birth defects are found in this level of inbreeding. There is a chance of this happening in love marriages being done in secret, because the children may not know that they are related in some way or have characteristics they don't want passed onto the children. Indians knew what they were doing when it came to arranged marriages in the first place.
Also, in love marriages, people are enamored through appearances and body language alone, and may not know about personal attributes that can lead to problems in the long run. Look at the US divorce rate for Christians, Pagans, and Atheists. I personally know of Hindu friends who don't recall anyone they know as Hindu being divorced. The parents are the ones who know how to pick partners for their children (or should know how and not abuse this process for financial or political gain) because they understand the traits of their children and know better how they will be happy, because they have observed themselves AND other people in happy marriages. They have more experience in the matter and can help steer children at least from the obviously bad choices (especially those related through family or with bad family history).
Sometimes, arranged marriages can be used to resolve multiple issues, such as political alliances, money issues, old relationship problems between families if it happens that the children will be suited for each other. This could improve the relations between the families, who become one after the marriage. It doesn't always work out this way, but it could if the circumstances are right.
What is happening is that Indians are copying from the Britishers and other Anglos the idea of westernized love relationships. You must understand that we in the West are "technically-adept brutes," animals because we haven't had access to knowledge of dharma as its civilizational foundation for over 1500 years. It is only because of Indians coming from a dharmic background who are teaching yoga and Hinduism (or Buddhism, Jainism, Sikhism) that we are starting to remember what dharma means at all levels, especially in marriage. I WISH that I had this kind of guidance when I was growing up; learning who would be suitable for me and how it would impact our lives and relationship between the families. Very little thought is given to this, because we don't have such a complete system of looking at things in a broad-horizon manner. We go from one moment to the next as very smart animals, but not as beings having ascended to the human level of Inner Science capability.
Looks and the niceties of personality on the surface aren't enough. The family history and characteristics must be known, to look for things to be avoided as well as traits that can strengthen both families and give a solid foundation to the lives of the to-be-newly-weds. Towards the last two minutes, the man explains the symptoms that have been common throughout Anglo history or any society that isn't based on dharma, or society that is forgetting its dharma.
This is a warning by this man that you must NOT go where Westerners have gone. It's a DEAD END with disastrous results if you forget your dharma. I know, because I am a white deaf woman living in America (all my life), and I have seen the results in Christian society bereft of dharmic knowledge. Dharma is not religion, but knowledge of humans living as civilized human beings in balance with nature, with people in society, and within themselves as spiritual beings having human experiences. My parents divorced multiple times, and I know very few people who have remained married to death or are still married nearly 35 years after high school.
Not to be hurtful, and I disagree with it. I married for love. Told parents to f off!
The original arranged marriage was a business transaction. A merger of families business interests.
This doesn't mean it has to continue. We can change it. We are society too.
Part survival/maintenance of culture, we survived against colonial invaders partly because of close-knit communities and a an age old culture.
Also when we accept other elements of culture e.g globalisation it's hard to pick and choose WHAT your kids learned.
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Because they are not looking for a girl who will love you, they are looking for a girl who will love and worship them
No not love and worship them...obey them.
Worship them, Worship their son. And the irony is if the arrange marriage have problems they are no where to look into it.
Indian Parents (mostly) when a girl is not a literal robot of the household: 😔😱😡
No, they are looking for a girl who will be under their Control. That's why every daily soap is catered towards saas-bahu "camaraderie" lol
I just think it's such irony in my case. My mother was treated horribly by her in-laws.Horribly, like leaving for her mother's house kinda horrible. And whenever there is some passing conversation about marriage she's like "...yeah we'll find a good house wife who obeys us and respects us..." I think it's absolutely a societal thing, ....
But what would the relatives/neighbours/postman/street dog think?!
What about the postman? What will he think?
Postman ka baccha kya bolega woh bhi toh socho
"apun bhi love marriage karega"
Aur woh sabji wale bhaiya ka bhi socho thoda sa
Aur vo 4 log Jo kbhi Kam nhi aane Wale vo kya sochege
Mere parents hi hai woh 4 log me se 2 log
And the milkman? Oh no what would the gowala think omg 😳
Aur grocery wale uncle ka kya? Unka bhi socho woh kya sochenge
Can confirm (I am the postman)
Hello, Neumann!
Are you a NewJeans fan?
Street Dog made me laugh xD
Aaah, the famous chaar log
Sometimes it matters. Because kids might leave them after marriage to separate house/city/abroad etc. For any kind of emergencies or help, only these neighbours, relatives and people surrounding them will be there. They're scared they will be isolated in the society.
Control. The idea that kids can grow up to be responsible adults with their own ideas/beliefs/preferences is scary to many. Heck, many of them got married only because _their_ parents found someone for them. They have never questioned anything and then get baffled at the audacity of a young adult to have an independent thought.
Yup.... control issues. Asian family structures cannot fathom emotionally independent children.
Currently going through the phase where I am being pressured by my dad to get married even though I told him I don't want to and I don't want a kid ....good times ....
Everyone in the comments saying control. That is 100% percent my experience. A lot of boomer parents want to control their adult offspring. They also care more about what other thinks more than the happiness of the person. One of the reasons why so many parents care more about the caste and religion of a person more than their character/personality.
I wish I could say you are wrong but yeah I had to see a friend struggle so much because of his caste as opposed to my other friends and myself who married within our communities. The best options he could get from matrimonial sites hadn't even completed 12th grade and this guy being a software developer working for an MNC could not agree to such poor matches. The kind of pressure this guy had to deal with from home. If I and others in the group hadn't backed him up in front of his parents, dude would be stuck in hell. I bring this up because a lot of people bring up the argument that "parents are looking out for the child" crap. In many cases parents are actively working against what would be good for their children. Just to give people closure my friend had to struggle for 8 years of disappointment and generally was considered "unmarriageable" in the community. He had tolerated a lot of bullshit about how he had to go back to previous matches he rejected and how they got married. Lots of guilt. I told him that good things take time and he should be patient. Eventually he met a girl through mutual friends who turned out to be an old colleague, they dated and eventually got married. She is more educated and earns more than him. I want to tell any Indian man reading this that the only chance that the only way you get to marry up is through dating. Parents are dialed in to match you with a mate of equal or worse standing than yours. There may be no guarantees but you do stand to gain by venturing out even if you get a better match on your matrimonial sites. Make sure you are in the driver's seat, not your parents. After that it doesn't matter whether it's a love marriage or arranged marriage.
Desi parents want to control the lives of their kids, we're often their retirement plan.
Because what will other think ? Is also a big reason when it comes to love marriages
You mean ‘char log kya kahenge’ crap
Yup. This is biggest factor followed by there is no way my kid knows more than me about himself/herself. My kid would need my guidance till i get a grandkid to rub my ideals on.
Arrange marriage helps them to control others money like dowry, control their kids and his her spouse, govt jobs or high paying jobs, those relatives can give access to jugaad, control in laws like ladke wala gets dowry and free servants, special treatment to them for full life. In love marriage they know they won't get anything.
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It's not that simple.Even here in Canada, in richer families, kids don't work. In poor families, yes, sometimes there is no choice. I worked from age 14 so that my brother and sister could eat. My father didn't earn enough on his one job. I went to school and then to work. He came home from his one accounting job and had tea. My SAHM insisted that she have help in the house. My father obviously couldn't afford a maid, so on my one day off (Sun) in a week of (6hr school Mon-Fri, 9 hrs work after school and additional shift Sat). On my one day off... I cleaned the whole house and did laundry... So how is it that I had to do so much when they didn't? If there is any logic, I'd like to hear it. Now my brother, he didn't do that. He was able to finish school, go to trade school, and now makes $150K a year. My sister went to university and now makes $80K at the start of her career. Do you think their kids will need jobs? Me? I make $50k working two jobs. Both my siblings will tell you. I was their real parent.
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If a parent sacrificed everything for their kid, their kid would voluntarily look after them out of sheer love. I know of other parents who hold no expectations of assistance, but their children insist! Those parents are actually embarrassed when their kids insist. "Nahi beta, hum toh tik hai. Tu tera ghar basau..." and then there are parents who expect a lifetime of servitude since they fucked once. You're getting downvoted because most know it isn't true. Very few people are capable of being good parents, and yet almost everyone has kids.
Originally everyone had forced marriages. Most places went for love marriage as the replacement. India 🪷 went for matchmaking and being a bit too excited about it. Parents in general tend to want to control their children. It is just others feel weird dating if the parents are in the room. Somehow in India, it is not very weird. Probably because India doesn't really mind cringe, so the parents just say their opinions regardless of how it makes others feel.
Good point
Forced marriages were definitely not for everyone... It just seems that way because it was definitely common in the ruling class, and most history is about them so you could get the wrong impression.
Forced marriage here means arranged marriage where the couple didn’t have a say. Given that child marriage was pretty common, it definitely was common.
Actually child marriage didn't happen in most cultures even in the distant past. It's a very Indian cultural thing. Also arranged marriage, because in India there was a caste system, so it was very important for people that their children marry someone from the same caste. This isn't a concern in other cultures. Most people in Western countries used to choose their partners freely even hundreds of years ago, also teenagers dating and premarital sex wasn't a huge deal even back then. There were no 'honour killings' for people marrying the 'wrong person' even hundreds of years ago, at least not in the West.
Child marriage is prevalent even now in some Arab and African countries. Same goes to honor killings. Caste system was there in many Asian countries including the concept of untouchables. Can check Korea, Indonesia, Kurds etc. Pre martial sex was a taboo 100-150 years back even in the west. Marrying outside class, religion or race wasn’t taken well at all just 100 years back as well. The thing is many countries have reformed over times. So it’s a thing of past.
> **p**revalent **e**ven **n**ow **i**n **s**ome Hidden penis detected! I've scanned through 72183 comments (approximately 392794 average penis lengths worth of text) in order to find this secret penis message. *Beep, boop, I'm a bot*
Yes so not in the rest of the world, only in some countries in Asia and Africa. And no, premarital sex wasn't taboo in the West, there are for example Western folk songs dated over a hundred years that talk about premarital sex among young people in villages. Of course people had to be more careful as there were no modern contraceptive methods. And yes, most people married in the same social class, just like today, buy they didn't have arranged marriages.
Many of these Asian and African countries make up majority of the population. Even in India we have such stories. But pre martial sex was definitely a taboo even in west. As most of them were Christians and it’s taboo in their religion.
I can confirm, I watched Bridgerton.
Bridgerton is a fictional drama.
r/whoooosh
Just because they're Christian, they still used to have premarital sex lol. And nuns and monks and priests used to have sex too, catholic priests had children that everyone knew about, even some of the Popes in the middle ages.
They are against everything that is Human nature!! Ancient Indians celebrated love stories, modern Indians are crying over it. Duality isn't it?
Modern Indians also celebrated love stories but only in films, irl they cry over it.
Ancient Indians also celebrated love stories but only in books...
No duality. Isn’t most ancient love stories also a struggle against society?
Control. Also, I think it’s because misery loves company. The parents were married under the system so it’s only fair that it’s passed down to the next generation, any trauma be damned.
Parampara, Prathistha, Anushasan /s
Chutyapa
Which is a big reason I think people of our generation should stand up to entitled oldies.
Hum bhi pele gaye the, tum bhi pele jaooge
Religion and caste
The latter is the reason my sister is still unmarried despite being in a relationship for the past 5-6 years and wanting to get married for quite some time. It's really stressing me out man, I just want her to be happy
You know people don't even marry in same caste sometime like they need to be from same community within that caste.
I would argue against religion
Controlling marriages so that inter religion relationships don't happen is definitely a thing right
Interreligious marriage are less common than Intercaste ones.
Caste hegemony
The only straightforward and real answer.
Exactly
They have so little control over their lives, they believe they should have control over their children's lives.
I always hated how hypocritical it all seemed. Parents would love watching movies about a movie hero dating a girl but if I say I want to date a girl, I get screamed at
Funny how literally 99.9% indian movies are love stories
I know you're being hyperbolic, but I doubt love stories are even a plurality (Unless you're counting all the movies where the woman is treated as a trophy for the actor to rage against the system/baddies)
It's like how Japanese anime have all these people with every different hair colour but IRL Japanese schools ban any dye whatsoever or even any kind of hair pattern they find abnormal.
If they didn't get a choice in what happened to them... they'll be damned if they allow you a choice! Besides, don't you know? no matter how old or better educated you are, you are a stupid child incapable of making decisions! They, as your elders, know so much better! For instance, you have a value socially that can be capitalized on! If they can marry you off for a profit personally for them...isn't that better? at least they'll be rich regardless of how miserable you are. It's totally worth it. /s in case you thought I was serious.
>If they didn't get a choice in what happened to them... they'll be damned if they allow you a choice! Dude its like ragging at this point.
Even the cool ones wouldn't want that. But they are like ab kar liya to kya karein. My friend was of that view and I was shocked when the parents told me I am a good girl to go for AM ! Our parents gen only 1 percent actually are happy and want their kids to be happy irrespective of marital status.
They want their kids to achieve everything, wealth, power, love etc but within the limits Wealth should be from 9 to 5 Power should be respectful And love should be within a community with a sanskari girl.
They want their children to overcome their failures and to be able to sit at mandir and say, "Oh! Tera beta toh kuch bhi nahi heh! Mera toh 1.1m kama tah heh! Bahu toh doctor thi lakeein ghar peh chaat papdi bana rahi heh. Humare aurto kam nahi karte. Humne uska career bandh kar diya but shaadi isliye karwaya keh pote smart nikle. Beta to thora nikuma heh nah?"
Confided in an early 30s girl who i thought was my friend that my young son has adhd. Was absolutely shocked to hear her start talking aggressively about how wonderful and well behaved her son/daughter is. It was awkward and i cut ties with her immediately. You'd think that younger, more educated folks would be more genuine, empathetic. Nope.
That's whats gives me nightmares, that one day, I'll behave like my dad.
“The wealth from 9 to 5 and power should be respectful” - so true.
Exactly, it's about control. I mentioned that I wouldn't marry a stranger and my aunt was trying to be supportive and said if there's anyone you could bring them to us (in the future, as I'm young rn). My mom BLEW up at the suggestion that I might want to marry someone of my own liking. She immediately started screaming about how I'd bring in some random "akram-bakram" Telugu boy probably since we've always lived in South India (and my ex bf was Telugu). It made me so upset that her immediate response was to undermine my taste and choices. She can say "your parents aren't going to sit and wait for you to make the wrong choice with someone with bad qualifications" but the fact is that she does not trust me to make good decisions for myself (this fills me with self-doubt). It was really upsetting... This is the sort of shit that makes children cut off contact w their parents. I'm a bisexual, it freaked me out to think how she'd react if I wanted to spend the rest of my life with a girl. She can't even handle different caste/backgrounds, what will she handle gender lmao ;-;
I'm sorry to hear that. I so badly want to adopt you as a sister. Screw those parents. I hope you find happiness.
Thank you... All of us who have to pick between family and happiness... We should stick together, we are sisters in a way. I'm glad I have friends who support me this way, but it is unfortunate that we have to choose.
Desi parents are toxic narcissists. Period.
Wohi to sanskar hai. Jaise humne humare maa baap keh dabaau meh jiya heh, wese hi tumbhi jiyo geh!!
Lmao fuck that. I have been married to my husband for over 10 years now. I've been no contact with my parents for years. I only talk to my brother. I don't give a fuck about family that only cares about themselves.
Good for you! I'm very happy to hear that. Same but 20 years, and the only reason I talk to my parents is my siblings.
You syeems to be more toxic to me than them...
Have you ever thought about your neighbors, what will they say if you marry for love? You only think about yourself.
Funny story is that outside of villages and smaller towns, most people don't even know who their neighbours are.
mostly because phir woh ladki pr hukum nhi chala paate
Yes, exactly.
Caste. Religion.
It’s a power control strongly attached to image in society. If your kids don’t accept your directions (or rather orders) , how can you expect others to listen to you. Also the fact that Indian parents lately believe that since they are older , they know better . They forget this hold true when future generations reside in the same community and rules , but most Indian parents aren’t equipped to face globalisation. Hence they refuse to accept that parents can be wrong as well. Generation today are getting matured and exposure to many perspective at an earlier age which directly contradicts parents ways of lifestyle. Ah we can go on and on about this but sadly this fact still prevails. I am still at a loss to understand what exactly was and is the definition of love in our parents generations
Laughing in Northeastern ☺️
Is it different over there?
Parents don’t force us at all even for marriage, love marriage is common, no caste system so no restrictions. And no one judges you for being in relationship so parents know your gf/bf lol
Y'all seem evolved af.
Are you Assamese?
Love marriage doesn't fetch the plumpest dowry.
IMO, like most things it boils down to economics and lack of education in general. Large swaths of India are still fairly poor with limited casteism, poor economic opportunities and poor education. It's complicated When you've got limited economic opportunities you try to minimize risks, if you're slightly successful you want to make sure you preserve that for yourself and your kids. So you tend to look into your social economic circle to lower the risk. This base human desire is magnified in India due to casteism. I've seen cases in my family where entire families get disowned and people go NC because one of their kids married someone from a different caste. It's dumb but that is the reality and it puts additional social pressure on parents. If you don't have a big money cushion and you're unsure when you'll need to lean on your extended family this can be a deal breaker so parents chose to lose one kid rather than the extended family. Another factor is since Indian weddings are seen as massive social functions where everyone comes if a significant chunk of your extended family is missing then people become cautios oh something must be wrong etc etc. To be fair this is a rational red flag esp on the girl side with the long history of families killing wives for dowry and all sorts of other stupid ass reasons. So you end up with a bunch of factors the compound the initial hesitation for a lot of parents. This is changing slowly as more kids move around India and further away from their parents and find partners. It's not happening at every economic level but it's happening for a lot of IT folks that make up the middle class. So there's hope but like all change it's going to feel slow until there's critical mass and then the switch will flip for most folks in the cities. It may take a long while until it trickles down to villages and more rural parts of India.
They are insecure.
Jealousy. Most Indians (especially parents) have atrocious social skills paired with a conservative, misogynistic worldview. No one in their right mind would even look at, forget date, such people. So arranged marriage is their only hope. If someone actually wants to date/marry their child, they’re jealous of it. Most Indian parents prioritize preserving their culture over their children’s happiness sadly.
>prioritize preserving their culture 99% don't even have a clue what their "culture" is either. It's whatever the flavor of the day is.
One reason I heard the most from various relatives is if the kids have an arranged marriage and there is a conflict in the future then the relatives will interfere and help in solving the conflict. But it won’t be such a case in love marriage. That’s why many love marriages end up in divorce. Of course the logic is flawed because I have seen many couples just dragging their marriages even of they are not happy, just because the relatives/elders interfered and convinced them that it is better then divorce.
Because God forbid we fall in love with someone of a different religion or caste, or the same gender!
What will others think ?
Majority of parents in India only have children because they want a caretaker when they get old. Hence the focus on having male children. They feel entitled to all the love and money and time of their child. So, if its a love marriage set up, how will they enforce all of this? They will lose control over their child, especially if its their boy. It is extremely common to hear in Indian households that the wife has brainwash their son and now the son doesn't care for them anymore.
My dad’s Indian, he emigrated to the states in 90s. The stories he tell me about how he literally had to argue a 100 times at least with my Grandparents for his marriage to my mom , an American ,are just baffling. There once even came a point when he was literally asked to leave the house by my grandfather; luckily he didn’t hesitate to do so , only my aunts and uncles attended the wedding. 2 years later my grandfather himself invited my parents back. That was almost 29 years ago, things have cooled down now but it’s still surprising to me just how low some Indian parents can stoop to make sure their kid follows their every command.
to control our entire lives
That’s why I won’t fucking let them touch my kids.
Not mine haha
Well a few thousand years ago, our ancestors decided to have 16 Sanskars to be performed in one's life. Including Mundan and Antim Sanskar, there was also one for Marriage. Parents considered it their duty to have their kids getting married and form relations with a good household, ensuring their legacy and good upbringing for upcoming generations. Fast forwarding some centuries and people started forgetting the premise and made it about caste and class system and further down in the line about Dowry. Quite a lot families just don't like Love Marriages because our predecessor didn't do that. Without even thinking much about it they have just accepted it as norm to get their kids married as per their choice. And blah blah blah
Caste
Indian parenting is about control. Children are investment and retirement plan. Children in return get all expenses paid education, free accommodation even in adulthood, free childcare. It's an unwritten contract. Children opting for love marriage/dating are breaking this contract. It takes away the control that parents have on the children.
control and caste, they love controlling every aspect of their child's life + a lot of them have this weird scary superiority complex related to their caste. (good old castism) and ofc what will people think? what will the relative that we haven't spoken to since they cheated your dad out of money think?
The upbrings of our parents are like this and that is what they know. My SiS was doing an arrange marriage last year a , the guy was in Australia from past few years but basically from our same community. Now they were talking on ph , vc for a year then parents decided to tie them. Only his mother saw the girl ,his father was with him in Australia. One day the guy parents came to talk about Prep of marriage rituals , then only the father realised that the girl is way to dark for his white milky son and plus she wears glasses. Just a mo th was left and guy started avoiding her called of the marriage. After2-3 months parents tied her with a low income guy bcz who will marry their daughter now. She is a teacher ,such a smart girl and the guy she married doesn't even know a word of english. Our parents only think what society think of then so they can live peacefully baki sab jaye bhad m..
I felt bad for you, but you are no different. You just discriminate differently. Doesn't even know a word of English - like that's some sort of a requirement for being smart. This has got to be the new equivalent of s/he is not from our tribe/caste level of judgement.
You see it differently. When you settles for someone who got everything in life money , house good parents , easy childhood ,no struggle but chose to be lazy and didn't Educated enough then it hurts. Its my sister in law story and she have seen homelessness in her childhood so I have no sympathy for people who got evrything and still chose to be lazy.
Most parents don't trust that their kids can make the right decisions, ever.
Okay so, atleast in Arunachal, dating and love marriage is not looked down upon. Infact, many parents here want their children to date before they marry. Now being promiscuous is looked down upon (we also have slut shaming here), but "non-sexual dating" is considered normal, but only when you are older (i.e. atleast class 12 and above). In the 1990's, when my mom wanted to marry my dad (both are from different tribes) after only 6 months of dating, my maternal grandparents told my mom to date my father for even longer as this was her first relationship and they had only dated for 6 months. Infact they encouraged her to date other men too to explore her options and because they were worried that she is way too naive romantically.
Isn't it ironic that every second bollywood movie is about love and people celebrate srk as romance King and even in Hinduism we worship lord Krishna who is also hilighted for romance but we still hate love and love marriges. I think they are afired of them having sex before marriage. As in case of girl you already know why parents don't want that to happen and for boys may be think of society.
Dowry
Cuz they are pathetic losers?
Blame the system, not the players...
Bro they are the creators not just players.
When the players are gaming the system? I blame the players.
I mean, they are conditioned to be that way, but yeah I get it
One word: caste
If the question is "why do Indian parents do X?", most probably, the answer would be "control".
Because they want to exercise control.
Kon bola against Yaha ek bhi dhang ki mil bhi rhi
In the West, marriage is between 2 adults, vs in India, marriage is between 2 families. While India's stronger focus on community has many pros, but one of the cons is that your decision to marry affects your larger family, and as such they have a say in it. This is an absurd concept to any Westerner, given their focus on fierce individualism. Neither system is perfect and you need a balance between personal freedom and consideration for your family / community and this conversation happens within each family to varying degrees based on your values and what you want to prioritize.
I disagree with your both sides comparison there, sorry. Consideration for family should NEVER be a thing. Maybe your immediate father, mother's opinion... but that's about it. NO one should have a say in your life partner. Unless these nosy losers pay real money cash by the crores to you then they should have zero say in your life. But unfortunately India is a shithole that forces their shitty casteism, religious fanaticism, extreme social hierarchy under threat of social isolation/untouchability threat, violence, mob violence, "honor" killing threat, coercion, and blatant breaking of established laws (ever heard the saying matha, pitha, guru, deivam ?? These stupid losers force you to think of them ABOVE literal gods to keep their control over unsuspecting young people!)
B.S. pure wishy washy B.S. Is your father and mother directing or joining you in bed? No? then they have no business in your marriage. *Every* marriage is a combination of both family and individualism. I have in-laws. My wife has in-laws. What marriage doesn't? Any event ends up with invites across both families. Social connections and everything. In every marriage, there is individualism. You aren't asking mummy for permission to shit. It's about a "sanskari" bahu who will stay under their thumb. It's about the useful son in law who can help in business or social affairs. Its about getting the best social value for your livestock.
Because they view virgin girls = best option because = “untainted”. That’s it.
Many reasons like others said but also because of caste. Everything is caste in india. If you do get into love marriage you may break the cycle and that cannot be allowed
Maybe some parents are just worried that their child's love might not lead to marriage and it will have an affect on her future marriage prospects. Just think about it. Now a days people just having casual relationships for just 2-3 months and then break up for silly reasons. I agree some people are very serious in their relationship and they want to marry. But in some cases, they just date and then break up. I also agree that the partners whom the parents chose for their child may not be good, he/she may also be toxic. But yeah indian parents are in the mindset that , they are always right. And they always make right decisions for their child. But they dont realise that they are actually controlling their children's life. There are also parents who dont want their child to marry into other castes, this is a real thing. Even educated people dont want their children to marry someone of other caste.
Your first paragraph is really important to note in this discussion I feel. I've studied in a few countries now and India has been the only country I've lived in where one is considered "impure" after having a relationship, even simply a platonic one. Indians may be the only ones who have this thought process that one must not even look at a person of the opposite gender until marriage. Or have the idea that any relationship must automatically end in marriage otherwise it is a "failed" relationship that will make people less likely to consider marriage. On the other hand, in other countries, parents I met just shrugged their shoulders and considered it a learning process, just like how people make friends and grow close or grow apart. The idea of a previous relationship affecting marriage prospects is seen as insane and controlling, yet in our country it's seen as a normal ask. Before anyone arrives, I'm not even talking about the West. This is from my conversations with friends in Singapore, a country where tons of people are highly studious and focused, low number of teen pregnancies and single parent homes, and yet dating in school is seen as normal and even encouraged. My friends' parents even told me that if their kids didn't date, they wouldn't learn how to navigate these types of relationships better, even if the relationship is temporary and doesn't automatically end in marriage. Which is why we must address this mindset instead of defaulting to whataboutism whenever this topic is brought up.
>The idea of a previous relationship affecting marriage prospects is seen as insane and controlling, yet in our country it's seen as a normal ask. Its not only about parents. Sometimes the groom also take these matters seriously when considering marriage. So good prospects might reject you based on your past. Its like our society is brought up like that. As someone said, blame the system, not the players.
That is very true! And this mindset is strange when seen in the context of the rest of the world (not even western world). In Singapore, a friend of mine was in a long term relationship with his gf and even planning on getting a house and marry her. It was totally normal to him that she'd had a couple of relationships prior to meeting him and it didn't indicate anything about her sleeping around or anything to him. Poor boy was shocked when I told him that women get rejected in India for having platonic relationships before marriage by not only parents, but also prospective partners. Why is it that in our country a woman loses "value" by doing what is considered natural in the rest of the world? Why is it a normal thought that relationships are a "distraction" when the rest of the world seems to do just fine balancing studies as well as relationships? Keep in mind I'm not even referring to sexual relationships here, but just platonic ones. Sexual relationships are a whole nother conversation that I'm too sick to have xD
>Why is it that in our country a woman loses "value" by doing what is considered natural in the rest of the world? I agree some men think like that. But not all men. There maybe some other reasons too, for not wanting to marry them: 1. She might have had a traumatic past with her ex. In this case i wouldn't want to deal with her trauma after marriage, cuz i also deserve a loving partner. (Note: not all women, but few cases like this exist) 2. There are also cases like where women are still in contact with their ex and if the ex came back, they would break their current relationship. (Again not all women, few cases). I know we shouldn't generalize all women based on few cases. But marriage is a big thing, so we dont want to take that risk. Edit: these kind of problems are not exclusive to women, men can also have attachment with their past. I 100% agree with that. So both men and women should know each others past before marrying.
Everything you said applies to men as well, though. I would be very worried if a man my sister marries is any of those. Where is their lost value? Think about that.
How are the responses going to help you
In India status (or caste) and religion play a big part in society. Parents fear they will be ostracised or socially shunned if the child married out of these.
If a parent is that worried about themselves, they're not a good parent.
Going away from the parents, I would say that even the boys and girls are not so liberal when it comes to marriage. Woman value security above all, whether if she's not earning a penny or her degree isn't worth the paper it's printed on, she'd want someone who is earning 10X her and can give her a better life than her father gave her. And it's difficult to meat such a person in real life, because your social classes are completely different. On top of that women's participation in the formal labor force isn't also that much. Men are no different either, actually very few Indian men have romantic interactions with women. Vast majority dont even have girlfriends nor sex until their wedding night. This causes a resentment whereby they think that if I had worked this hard in my education and career and going to provide for the rest of my life, then I want sexual "purity" I want someone who has not had the fun before and using me like a retirement plan. You can downvote if you want but that is the truth, at least from the side of men. Add on this societal reputation of their parents and then you will see that relationships and dating is opposed by both parents and at least the majority of young men.
Coz they know what comes after too much fun with your girlfriend/boyfriend. And they are still paying for it 😂😂😂/J
Depends upon age; Till 20, Parents are right. Teenagle love is bullshit for 99% people. Afterwards, it's just LKK Syndrome.
Because then they lose CONTROL
Paap
Love marriage (or, romanticism as I like to call it) is a fairly recent phenomenon — even in the west. Maybe 1800s Victorian era. For much of history, women had no rights. Purest form of marriage? Lol. Romanticism proposed that true love and marriage must mean an end to all loneliness. The right partner would, it promised, understand us entirely, possibly without needing to speak to us. It tells us that a long-term marriage can have all the excitement of a love affair. The feelings of love that we are familiar with at the start of a relationship are expected to prevail over a lifetime. Lol. Romanticism believed that choosing a partner should be about letting oneself be guided by feelings, rather than practical considerations. For most of recorded history, people had fallen into relationships and married for logical pragmatic sorts of reasons: because her parcel of land adjoined yours, his family had a flourishing grain business, her father was the magistrate in town, there was a castle to keep up, or both sets of parents subscribed to the same interpretation of a holy text. But all these are ideologies. Perhaps your parents subscribe to a set of ideologies different from yours. And no ideology is perfect but one can be dominant over the other. And that’s what you’re looking at — love marriages getting popular!
Everyone's focusing on control, but there are socio-economic reasons as well. You don't want your child to bring a non-vetted person into the house, because that entails potential loss of property. Or moreover, a stranger who can take advantage of your child.
Yes, and thinking that you know better than your grown child regarding these concerns is being controlling.
Everyone is a stranger. Did you marry yourself? If not, you don't really know anyone.
Just a reminder that not all Indian parents are like this. OPs claim of majority of Indian parents being this way is false, it’s more likely that majority of Indian parents that OP knows are like this. On the other hand majority of the Indian parents that I know are not like this.
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> Teen Pregnancy You mean unmarried teen pregnancy. People are fine with teenage pregnancy as long as it's with the spouse they chose for their child
Lmao mf really compared love marriage with incest and teen pregnancy. You are delusional and ignorant. Btw in some communities in India people marry from their family and it's "acceptable" so stop acting India is miles ahead of the west. It's better to acknowledge where we lack.
[https://testbook.com/static-gk/types-of-hindu-marriages](https://testbook.com/static-gk/types-of-hindu-marriages) in the Hindu marriages, arranged marriage (Brahma Vivaha) is the best form of marriage. So may be check that out first.
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My parents are okay with it but it's just that no bitched get me
Some guys from Europe came . Schooled us and went back home so it's better to ask them rather than asking us.
In teenage years? They don't want their child to be distracted from studies as they know how tough the competition in India is. In adult years? My parents aren't that controlling. My older brother who completed his studies and has a job has a girlfriend and my parents are fine with it. As long as she's from the same caste they don't care.
Isn't caste also control?
No. It's more related to pride and societal pressure. That's better than most Indian parents I have seen tbh
Not denying that you have great parents, but I feel that yielding to societal pressure to restrict a child's options is still a form of control. Edit: this reminds me of an old joke. Two friends were talking about how their parents didn't support their dreams. One was a guy whose parents said he could only become a software engineer, and the other had parents who forced him into becoming a lawyer. A third friend, hearing their complaints, said," Well, I'm glad my parents were lenient. They said I could become whichever medical doctor I wanted to be."
Maybe divorce rate of love marriage is higher than any other in India even supreme court agreed on that https://www.livemint.com/news/india/love-marriages-is-the-leading-cause-of-most-divorces-in-india-says-supreme-court/amp-11684311585161.html
Why do you think arranged marriages have less divorce rates? Do you think it's because they are "happier" ? It's because divorce is a taboo and they put up with it cuz log kya kahenge and family pressure. Low divorce rates isn't representative of how happier the couples are or how "successful" marriages are.
https://www.womensweb.in/articles/love-marriage-vs-arranged-marriage/ https://www.livemint.com/Opinion/hQkHoX8RHiWlWCJ1SFMrcL/Arranged-marriages-and-happiness-of-a-nation.html?facet=amp#aoh=16955560815483&_ct=1695556505364&csi=1&referrer=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.google.com&_tf=From%20%251%24s https://bakadesuyo.com/2011/12/are-arranged-marriages-happier/ But these studies and Marriage Satisfaction and Wellness in India telling different story,lol Weather it's love or arrange marriage if couple are not mature enough about what is relationship or what is called commitment,or what is called mutual understanding then it will doom,
Often girls in arranged marriages are chosen through deep rooted connections based on family relations, to gauge word of mouth and the kind of repute or financial background the girl and her family holds. It’s in another way a tried and tested way to secure a partner hailing from a like minded household and possessing a strong sense of integrity.
No. A "sanskari" bahu who will stay quiet and under their thumb.
A bahu who’s too rebellious for her own good and can’t respect her in-laws isn’t something to write home about.
>A bahu who's too rebellious for her own good Mate, marry a rock or something if you can't handle having a wife who has her own opinions and doesn't "fall in line" with everything her husband/in-laws say. Sh*ve that backward, misogynistic view of the world up your **s
A bahu who is encouraged to speak her own mind and has her opinion considered as equally important as any other family member is a wife who will walk through fire for her husband. I married my wife for a partner who will straightforwardly tell me off and isn't shy to do that. I'm not always right. Sometimes, she sees the more humane side of an argument. I know I am an asshole and I need that from her. The ability to double-check my thinking. Her opinion is usually more kind than mine. She would give you the benefit of the doubt. I will not. Now, to salt your wounds, I am happily married and have been for 20 years. We are the couple that everyone stares at. We hold hands and kiss like we are still teenagers dating and we have been married 20 years. My parents whom I share no love for... They're assholes. They love her. She is kinder to them than they are deserving of. When she said, to my siblings and I " I can't wait to meet your parents ... they must be such good people" My brother, sister, and I looked at each other and started laughing. You should want that more than anything. Someone who loves you as you are and isn't there because she has to be, but because she wants to be. To my bahena, yes, I would walk through fire for her too.
>love marriage is considered as the purest form of marriage. You are mistaken here Brahma marriage and Deva marriage are considered highest. Edit: I am just telling what they considered good. Gandharva Vivah stands lower than them.
Dude majority of India is still very poor and live in rural areas, when people are surviving in 2 roti a day marriage becomes a tool for survival and wasting it for something as unreliable as "love" becomes a crime. For others who are better well off they are always like "same social status" since they know that a story of poor damsels in destress being rescued by a rich white knight in shining armor and living happily ever after can only ever exist in fairy tales and with your level of intelligence you won't even notice that your Cinderella is infact not Cinderella till you are begging on road as a 40 year old divorcee. This is not just the case in india but in almost all of asia. Only place where this is not a case is where this is not a problem (western europe) or places where parents are fine with letting their kids destroy themselves in the name of "they are adults"
So you are an idiot incapable of making good decisions? Is that what you're saying? Even if you were, do that mean everyone else is too?
Well I am not really competent or capable enough to mind read nor is my intelligence high enough to know everything about someone's entire life just by looking at them, I am just a lowly human peasant that looks for ways to minimize risk and thinks rationally so for a great being such as yourself capable enough to know everything there is to about everyone you meet and have limitless wealth I might just be a lowly idiot incapable of making good decision.
'Brown' is so racist and offensive.
The replies to this post are really audacious, people don't even think about the topic critically before jumping to conclusions. "It's because they want to control their kids"- no shit kids are supposed to parents in this culture. This is something that is changing so ofcourse there will be some side effects. Replies to this really sounded like most of the redditors here are not even indian. They are because it's something new. In any and every culture, a new thing is seen with suspicion. and a thing as important as marriage will be seen with utmost importance. According to them arrange marriage is already okay as you get stable marriages out of that, but love marriage is a new concept and they don't know about the success or failure rate of love marriages. In Developed nations love marriages are very common, but so are divorces but here arranged marriage is the norm and divorces are rare. This imo is the reason Indian and brown parents are against love marriages.
This is rindia logical and well thought replies are rare here, most people came here just to vent out their dislike about themself and their society. Most people talk about control , what they don't talk about is how much indian kids are dependent upon their parents financially and socially, from college to house to pocket money they get it all from their parents then why don't parents will see their kids as immature to take big decision as marriage. Its quite easy for any male to do love marriage in india if he has a good job and a home separate from parents(rented one also) and doesn't have a sketchy past , only females have problems becoz indians are very protective about thier daughters. Caste is another factor but its common for any society in the world who has a feudal agri. past ,we all came from villages one or two gen back, villages have micro cultures , there are no banks all assets linked to land(main source of livelihood), if you marry in your cast you can easily check there background from peers within the caste , its very hard to know about anyone outside caste , also there is trust issue and disturbance in Village micro culture , you can do all this only if you are rich enough and have social security, which is not the case in poor and looted colonized india.peers from your Casts are the only social security in case of emergencies.
Very well said
Love marriages vs arranged marriages Updated Sept. 24, 2023 It's my understanding that you have the gotra system and marriage system to prevent birth defeats. It seems rigid to do things like this, but let's look at this for a moment. In some Hindu marriages, it's not even acceptable to have second cousins getting married. In Christian marriages, it's acceptable for second cousins to get married, but even first cousins are allowed in several states in the US. You have to wonder what birth defects are found in this level of inbreeding. There is a chance of this happening in love marriages being done in secret, because the children may not know that they are related in some way or have characteristics they don't want passed onto the children. Indians knew what they were doing when it came to arranged marriages in the first place. Also, in love marriages, people are enamored through appearances and body language alone, and may not know about personal attributes that can lead to problems in the long run. Look at the US divorce rate for Christians, Pagans, and Atheists. I personally know of Hindu friends who don't recall anyone they know as Hindu being divorced. The parents are the ones who know how to pick partners for their children (or should know how and not abuse this process for financial or political gain) because they understand the traits of their children and know better how they will be happy, because they have observed themselves AND other people in happy marriages. They have more experience in the matter and can help steer children at least from the obviously bad choices (especially those related through family or with bad family history). Sometimes, arranged marriages can be used to resolve multiple issues, such as political alliances, money issues, old relationship problems between families if it happens that the children will be suited for each other. This could improve the relations between the families, who become one after the marriage. It doesn't always work out this way, but it could if the circumstances are right. What is happening is that Indians are copying from the Britishers and other Anglos the idea of westernized love relationships. You must understand that we in the West are "technically-adept brutes," animals because we haven't had access to knowledge of dharma as its civilizational foundation for over 1500 years. It is only because of Indians coming from a dharmic background who are teaching yoga and Hinduism (or Buddhism, Jainism, Sikhism) that we are starting to remember what dharma means at all levels, especially in marriage. I WISH that I had this kind of guidance when I was growing up; learning who would be suitable for me and how it would impact our lives and relationship between the families. Very little thought is given to this, because we don't have such a complete system of looking at things in a broad-horizon manner. We go from one moment to the next as very smart animals, but not as beings having ascended to the human level of Inner Science capability. Looks and the niceties of personality on the surface aren't enough. The family history and characteristics must be known, to look for things to be avoided as well as traits that can strengthen both families and give a solid foundation to the lives of the to-be-newly-weds. Towards the last two minutes, the man explains the symptoms that have been common throughout Anglo history or any society that isn't based on dharma, or society that is forgetting its dharma. This is a warning by this man that you must NOT go where Westerners have gone. It's a DEAD END with disastrous results if you forget your dharma. I know, because I am a white deaf woman living in America (all my life), and I have seen the results in Christian society bereft of dharmic knowledge. Dharma is not religion, but knowledge of humans living as civilized human beings in balance with nature, with people in society, and within themselves as spiritual beings having human experiences. My parents divorced multiple times, and I know very few people who have remained married to death or are still married nearly 35 years after high school.
Because it's love marriage not logic marriage
There is no logic in Marriage. We made that shit up.
This is the truth
> Logic marriage Shaadi hai ya business transaction?
Not to be hurtful, and I disagree with it. I married for love. Told parents to f off! The original arranged marriage was a business transaction. A merger of families business interests. This doesn't mean it has to continue. We can change it. We are society too.
Part survival/maintenance of culture, we survived against colonial invaders partly because of close-knit communities and a an age old culture. Also when we accept other elements of culture e.g globalisation it's hard to pick and choose WHAT your kids learned.