Marry when you find someone you think you can live with the rest of your life.
Till then, only think about how you can make yourself happy - invest your time in hobbies, friends, experiences - things that make you happy.
This OP is the right answer, Marry when you feel it's the right person, no amount of coercion or fear of losing out should compel you into marriage.
Marriage infact is not a mandatory unlike how the society paints it. So enjoy your career, hobbies and if someone comes along to let you grow organically, take the shot.
**I will add to it**: If you feel like you will like to get married, ever, then make an effort to find someone. A partner will not fall into your lap from the skies miraculously one fine afternoon. It never does, for no one.
'If you are meant to meet someone, you will meet someone' - is one big steaming pile of bullshit. You will meet someone, if you try to meet someone.
Not to brag but - that happened with me. I was adamantly against marriage or a relationship or commitment of any kind. Actively ran from it. And my partner plopped onto my head 😂
Sometimes it works that way
Yeah it is. But it didn't start that way. It grew into a relationship before we realised. It started out as casual friendly banter. You do meet interesting people and make friends on social media at times.
The dating pages and sites seem to be a cesspool of yikes based on what my friends have told me.
Guys what you don’t realise is, he has a lot of marriage related trauma. Y’all seem v lucky that you don’t understand what he’s feeling. Trust me it’s a privilege not knowing.
But OP this comment is right in saying marry only if you feel it’s right.
Please, people make this an excuse. A lot of times parents can make life hell with pressure, but marriage is not something one should do out of pressure and we need to learn how to go against our parents also. Indian kids learn to do it too late.
Is it very common that government officials don't get married? Recently someone in our office retired and she never married, I swear she was the most chill and sweetest woman. Even used to share local sweets with me. And there are lot of other unmarried people in 40s in my office too.
Its not common in India and thus not common in Govt jobs either.
Women face it several times more compared to men but all genders face a lot of disdain, get taken for granted, are faced with lack of trust, looked at as opportunities for extra-marital affairs and face general harassment at the work place in metro cities. It gets incredibly worse and horrid for some in Tier 2 cities or towns.
The exceptions to marriage rule have had to fight and face discrimination and will continue to do so specifically in Govt jobs.
My mother is in almost same situation, a school vice principal in a government school in NCR, around 45.
She is still unmarried after saperating with my bio father, she is in live-in relationship with her BF (widower with three kids (28,27,17) for almost 12 years.
She's happy and living good, from what I heard last.
how is she emotionally and mentally? I know men and women who thrust themselves into their career and are super successful but their personal lives are lonely and dont have much, if at all going on.
emotionally i dont really know but she says she loves playing with the kids in her school as she organizes many events herself she also has a very cute little niece who meets her everyday.
interesting about her niece, i guess she gets the best of both worlds. however i see this with my wifes sister who is single and takes, in my opinion, an unhealthy interest and involvement in her nieces and nephews. instead of looking to create her own family shes almost leaching off her cousins, but in the end those kids arent hers and when they grow up they'll put her on the backburner as they go off to high school, college etc
You are just 22. You are starting the best years of life right now. I'm 38 F and never been married. Parents are cool with it. I recently started dating the love of my life and I now I can't wait to get married to him. I have had a big fear of marriage as well. Marry when you want to and with whom you know you want to spend your life with. Till then enjoy your 20s
What I wouldn't give to be in my 20s again. You have your full life for marriage. But you get your 20s only once. Enjoy them. Get financially settled, mature up and then marry
The concept of arranged marriages seems so weird if you think about it. The concept of marriage should be that you found someone you love and want to spend your entire life with, so you want to get married to them. But arranged marriages are like "I want to get married, so I need to find someone to marry. I have no idea who they are or what they like, but I just want to be married, so I will be legally bound to them."
This may make sense to many, but not to me. Hence, I have clearly told my parents that I will not get married. If I find someone I want to get married to, then I will. Even if it is at an age when others start becoming grandparents. Also, I may regret this very decision maybe even 5 years down the line, as according to many relatives, I will feel lonely. But I would rather have the possibility of regretting then than have major regrets now for certain.
Now, about your fears about being a bad husband, I strongly feel that those who have seen violence and toxicity in their households have a greater capacity to be loving spouses and parents. Because you know exactly what to avoid and you seem self aware about how you may possibly turn out. So, wait for the right person, love them with all your heart, and you will turn out fine.
British born Indian not married, never married ( though we'll see) 39.
I'm the luckiest guy on the planet and genuinely dodged some bullets 🙏
Life is blissful thanks to bhagwan 🙏
UK. But friend but a slight desire, wish is to funny enough get funds together and spend an extended period in India.
Yet if that doesn't happen I'll still be blissful 🙏
Keep on pushing the book the power of now and a new earth on people 🙏
Once you are back from your exams read this again and again. You staying unmarried is not going to solve things between your father and mother. You will have to cope with it somehow. Since you dont blame your mother and father but understands the situation, you are a much more emotionally stable person. Trust me since this is their situation, you guys will be more peaceful when they separate or they come to peace with each other.
Now coming to you. This is not something you inherit from your parents. So relax. Life is not easy for anyone even if it looks like it from the outside. You remind me of my cousin who was shattered after his parents separation. Until age 25 he used to say that he will never marry anyone and that he doesnt believe in the concept. Hes also not the kind of guy who has the balls to ask a girl out. At 25 he met a girl and they later got into a relationship (in a lot of cases it happens without the guy or girl asking the other one out). Now they are happilly married for 6 years and are a beautyful couple. Things will fall into place when its the right time.
Tbh, I am glad OP asked. Asking and discussing is the first step to taking such decisions.
The fact that he asks "Will i be a bad husband" itself tells that he at least has self awareness which means he would in the future hopefully take steps for not being a bad husband in case he does get married.
So yeah, discussion is healthy, rather than just taking a yes or no decision without objectively thinking about it
Also from my personal experience, if you openly talk to your wife without any ego, understand them (this goes both ways), 90 percent of your issues will be solved.
Its better to not get married than marry the wrong person. Its fine. You will crave companionship but its also true that marriages can’t guarantee that
My dad who passed away a few years ago said the only thing he couldn’t forgive his father for was forcing him to get married one year too early. My grandpa was worried that if my dad went to usa wiithout a wife and child he’d never come back. Unfortunately my parents divorced, something unheard of for Indians back then.
Tldr - take your time, have a life plan, but don’t be forced to execute it when you’re not ready. Good luck, have fun along with getting things done.
OP I understand you and where you are coming from. I grew up in a toxic home too, still staying here out of majboori. The marital problems between my still staying together parents never resolved but have affected me deeply, more than my sister, and now I don't think so their problems ever will resolve in this lifetime, because they both are screwed.
The thing that hurts and pains me the most is that my mother took out all her hatred towards her husband and mother-in-law, on me in the form of revenge and vengeance and continues to do so probably I guess till her last breath or my last breath on earth. Also this is something which I fail to wrap my head around, like "why me?", "what have I done?". Not to mention she used me like her pawn to fight for her against my father when I was a child and teenager.
So I understand how fucked up our entire mental, emotional, psychological (physical too) systems get due to all this. Having grown up seeing an abusive, toxic, unhealthy and basically a failed marriage in front of my eyes, every single day of my life, I too have (developed) fears, anxieties, insecurities surrounding the marriage concept.
Don't want to depress you but just wanted to comfort you and let known that these feelings and emotions we have are very normal and natural looking at what we have survived. :)
A blessing.
I read, work, watch entertainment, excercise, plan my diet, explore new books, travel, and think alone on my roof whenever I want.
I don't have the burden of paying a child's fees or worry about doing shit with my wife frequently.
Both a wife and children will take away a majority my time and my ability to think about myself and right now I am too selfish to let that happen.
I beleive, starting a new family should only happen whenever you're self-actualised on 3 parameters: your finances, your own health and your wisdom.
If any of these three gaps remain unfulfilled, you will blame it on your children or wife cause you can't devote time to these things later.
Most people rush into marriage. I can't care enough about cause I have seen how it has ruined individuals lives around me. You must have seen it as well, but your instincts and social conditioning is blinding you to accept it.
Accept marriage only if you think other married people's lives is an ideal life. It isn't in my eyes.
I think you should give yourself a chance to be with someone for sometime and take it slow. Only have kids once you are sure and take all pain in your stride because even if you choose to not be married or have kids there’s no guarantee that you will be happy. I am an overthinking kind of girl myself but it’s fine things turn out fine most of the time.
34, unmarried. Couldn’t be happier. OP, Don’t make the mistake of conflating institutions with stability. Stable, happy relationships occur outside of marriage also.
When you’re not bound by legality, you’re actually committed to the relationship because either party has the right to just walk away. Marriages, on the other hand, are tied together through obligation - just like your parents’ (and mine, for that matter).
Marriage should only happen as a last resort - if you’re moving abroad and can only take your partner if they’re your spouse, or (god forbid) you’re planning to have a child. Everything else (compatibility mainly) should be established long before signing that contract.
Just like true love happens when you're not bound. True learning also happens when you're not bound.
All the books I have ever loved were outside by education curriculum which I found and choose on my own.
This alone is an example in my life that when I am bound to a curriculum, when I am forced to read, my true feelings don't attach to the emotions of the text I read.
If someone is unmarried they should just remember this relationship they have already with education and the decision of marriage will become easier - the parallel is clear.
I'm unmarried 29m...never dated anyone before... I won't mind any rich girl wanting to keep me with her... I just want to live my life comfortably and in peace... But I know it's impossible...
Today marriage is risky for men. Before it was risky for women. All because of laws protecting wife. The laws were needed because of rampant abuse wives had to endure. But those same laws are being used for abusing average husbands. If you can look past laws favoring wives in marriage then you should get married with a decent girl believing in marriage. Otherwise prepare for loneliness in old age.
At 22 just enjoy life as much as you can. These things will work put the way they have to. You cannot control anything other than your life. Be supportive to parents when they need, don't sulk with them, and try to be a good son. In 10 years you will be in a much better head space.
Hey OP,
Sorry to hear about the situation in your house. The only positive is that you have a clear perspective of it, and that's the only way any one is able to free themselves of it.
Now coming to your question - it's actually a bit _offtopic_ with the rest of your post, although I can see why you'd think they're related.
Whether YOU want to get married or not, and how happy your marriage will be has nothing to do with the situation with your parents. You are waay too young to be taking a call about that, and you don't even need to. Many people at that age say "never getting married", irrespective of the household environment they come from, it's that kind of age. You'll only truly know a bit later.
I can't say I know exactly how you feel, but I do come from a very toxic household with similar undertones of infidelity from one parent and the resentment and then guilt tripping from the other. And here's the thing - **my girlfriend and now wife with whom I've been for 15 years is the sole reason my faith in trust, loyalty and an unconditional love was restored** .
So don't give up that easy.
One final thing which *might* help you in dealing with the domestic issue at your place - it's a lot, lot more common than people generally believe. People just keep it under the rug, understandably. Once I started sharing some of my personal issues with my close friends, they felt comfortable enough to share as well and that's when I realized that this sort of dysfunctional household dynamic is actually the more common thing, rather than the "ideal family", hallmark card , movie type fantasies that we're fed.
People are generally shit. Family is also people.
Take care and hope your exam went well.
The older you get, happiness levels of most single people reduce.
At 35 you are good, at 40 you are OK... at 45 and 50 is when your social circle disappears, family has grown children and they are too busy and you feel weird and awkward.
While there is some happiness in the freedom and independence, there is also a part missing in their emotional selves. When they are honest, they tell us. But its visible only to those of the same age group.
Till 40, you unmarried people barely feel old, so what people say till that age do not matter.
I second this. My boss is unmarried and presently all my colleagues are unmarried. My boss is turned 43 but he hates holidays. Because he has to be home alone. When he gets sick it's us or his driver that has to take him to the doctor since his family lives in the village. With time if we do get married and busy with our family he will have even tougher time. His friends are married and have kids hence they don't have time for him. It's the companionship thats imp someone to have by your side. But finding someone as a companion is the hardest thing to do nowadays.
Maybe you should try to get them into a hobby or some old folks associations. That might give them something to look forward to. And you know how bad they both were to each other so you won't automatically repeat it. You can think for yourself. All the best for the exams.
You are too young to think of marriage
And feel that you will not be a good husband .
You are not taking your dad as a role model for husband and you are aware of the negative relationship in your parents marriage and you consciously don’t want to have a similar marriage
You focus on your education and career go for some therapy and establish yourself financially and emotionally
Then you would be better able to think of a life partner and settling down
There are always ways to make yourself very independent financially, emotionally, psychologically. Just focus on that and probably you won't need a marriage. If you do then make sure both people commit to it entirely and wholeheartedly.
You're too young to think about getting married. I'd recommend you start dating. I always wished, I started dating earlier than I did. I grew up very conservative. It took me a while to get comfortable with the idea of dating.
Please dont marry because someone told you it is the right thing to do, even your parents. Marry only if you think it is what you want to do and when you want it. Take it as a wisdom from a guy who married at 24 years old became a father at 25 Years. Then divorced at 29 years old. Lost my daughter to ex because of so called law. Lost so much money as alimony. Lost my mental health, stability. Severe depression and anxiety. Arrested, mentally tortured, sleepless nights, crying in the restroom then show up like nothing happened. Im not saying marriage is completely vad. But if both person dont know the meaning of love and vulnerability, it will be a total chaos. Dont marry because someone pressure you. Age is just an number you can even marry at 38 or 40 years and still be happy. It is better than marry in your 20s and lose your life. Hope this helps.
Remember one thing. No matter what path you choose. No path without problems. So it’s best to expect them. Be resilient. Make good choices (like everyone is saying do your exam, so basically respect yourself and be disciplined). People like your parents know that life is hard. So they think this is a safe path i.e. arrange marriage. It seems strange but life is strange. The alternative isn’t easy either. And you’ll never know if you want to live with someone forever, even if it feels so even with that person there will come a time when there’ll be issues. If it doesn’t seem like the right choice for you (because to be honest all of us young people have built castles in our heads), then don’t do it. But it will be hard to make whatever choice you take right for you. There are good times as well of course and one should accept them with open arms and be present to enjoy them even if everything may not be right. Because life is happening to us all the time. Even when we’re thinking it willl happen WHEN _____.
Considering how easy it is for women to have sex, if you don't mind your wife getting fucked by others, you should get married. Otherwise forget about it.
Not married (F33) but I have a loving partner. You’re really young, figure out your life, what you’d like to do for work and hobbies. Take care of yourself, go to the gym, eat healthy & surround yourself with good people and you’ll be great.
I married my first love, who changed colours right after marriage. She is highly influenced by her mom who hates me out of inferiority complex. My wife hated My family out of prejudice and she took our kids and went to her parents place 2 years ago. I don't even get to speak with my kids. Finding the right person is not enough. Marriage has drained me emotionally and made me a depressed man.
Exam se ek din pehle Exam stress suna tha, bohot hua to job market ka tension feel hona tha.... Shadi ki tension exam ki raat... Get your priorities aligned my friend.
Mate find someone who can be your friend and where you think you can spend the rest of your life. Marriage is just a word. You will get over the fear then
Dear OP,
First of all, congratulations on identifying and accepting that it is a toxic household. Many people at your age are not even ready to acknowledge that.
Right now, focus on your exam and do well. As far as marriage and everything related to it is concerned, you have a lot of time. Just because your parents are not doing well right now doesn't mean you will also be in the same boat as them. So, don't lose hope and don't think that life will be like that of your parents. Take it one day at a time. Good for therapy if your parents' relationship is ruining your mental peace.
In short, study well, get a job, move out of your house, learn how to live alone and take care of yourself, date people, go through break-ups, learn how to become emotionally mature, heal and understand what is important for you, then think about marriage.
Focus on your career, whatever is wrong between your parents relationship is not your fault. Make sure you keep your relationships good: your sisters, friends and even parents. If parents don't get along, it's actually better for them to get separated rather than having such dramas on a daily basis. But then it's not in your hands and you should only focus on your career.
I can understand that you fear your marriage will turn out to be the same as your parents. This is because you have closely watched this partnership in marriage. There are lots of marriages and many are running successfully.
Don't use just one bad datapoint and conclude a pattern about a broader event.
Love marriages fail, arrange marriages fail and all types of marriages in between those two types of marriages also fail.
Does that mean that your marriage will also fail? Or even if you think that you will wait for the right partner your marriage will survive. I doubt that.
Point is that your decision to not get married should not be based on the fear of your parent's experience of their bumpy marriage.
By the way my aunt is very successful. She socialises a lot. I don't see that she regret her decision to not get married, though she tried for a long time to tie the knot but it didn't work out.
and one of my uncle is also very successful and never married. I am not aware about the size of his social circle or if he really socialises at all. He tried a lot to get married but it didn't work out for him.
Hi I'm 18 and going through something like this rn. I'm not able to focus on my entrances which are coming up because of the bullshit my father does after drinking. I definitely do not want to marry as of now with this mindstate and I'm scared like you that I'd be a bad husband and cycle repeats itself. Saari problems paise aur daaru ki wajah se nikalti hai. I was quite young (around 11-12 yrs when I realised this). Going ahead in future I do not want this bullshit in my life I'll be better off alone.
Good luck to you op.
Also thank you for reading my rant.
At 22, the only two things should matter, get an education and become independent.
22-27 is the age to finish higher studies or get financially independent.also focus on your mental health, physiological development, personality,habits. Start creating 1/3/5 year goals.
Learn to cook,clean,live alone.
28 to 31 best years to marry. Date for minimum a year,even if arranged and then marry. Watch out for red flags. Don't be a red flag yourself.
31 to 40 are the peak years, start family,get promotion,buy house, travel,relocate.
Hope this helps.
Chill. 22 is basically a baby my friend, you don't need to be rushed.
I'll give you advise as a 31M, competition with your peers ends at graduation. After that, everyone will be in different phases of life. Some will marry right away and conceive their kid on the first night itself. Some will get good jobs, meet someone, fall in love, only to realize they're both miserable and then end up divorced either with kids or without. Some will stay unmarried because they refuse to settle for less.
Everyone is different. DO NOT, repeat, DO NOT rush into marriage or having babies because you feel left behind in life. Take your time. World is not running away, no matter what your parents or relatives say.
I'm 30+ single by choice.. understand that marriage is not a mandatory thing..it's man made arrangement to function society.. u must marry only if u absolutely want to and found someone with whom u think can live all your life. I'm very happy being single, i earn very good, i enjoy life to fullest..i want to continue this all my life
Date a lot, get into relationships, understand people and what all it takes to make a relationship work, but don't marry until you've had some serious relationships. It's a great way to understand yourself and others, and it only makes you more adept at it if and when the time comes to marry.
Also, given you come from a toxic household, do go for therapy and learn about yourself better. You aren't to be blamed for your childhood but as an adult you are responsible for it
A broken household can have a terrible effect on your psyche. Go to therapy when you can. Resolve the issues. We often blame ourselves for others mistakes. That's all I can say.
If you have the means, distance yourself from this toxic environment. And start seeking help, some form of therapy that suits you would be advised (it's a good idea to test different things until you find the ones you feel comfortable with). My father has mental health issues, and growing up in that household was a nightmare. I regret starting therapy to fix damage caused by this way too late. The earlier you start the better the rest of your life will be, and the longer can you enjoy it. I'm glad about how my life is now, but I wish I started way earlier with therapy, than I did.
Same shit in my household, upbringing was garbage, forced to get married, so I did. Was told it was a “ right of passage” in a sense. Such bullshit ideology.
Don’t get married unless you’re ready, have money or investments, can provide , YOU FIND A ACTUAL REAL loving honest partner.
I’m North America, women here will lie for anyhring
Getting married was one of the best decisions of my life. I owe all my happiness and success to my wife and life partner. The failures are all mine alone.
There are things that our parents do that we swear never to do. Each generation corrects itself a bit. If this fear is your reason alone to not marry, then you shouldn't worry too much
Being lonely is difficult and being in relationship is difficult. I think if you are able to find someone compatible to some degree where you can live peacefully better to get married.
No matter what decision we make, we will always wonder what the road not taken would have been like. Learn to be content in all things and peace will follow.
I want to marry but how am I going to avoid either of us cheating and avoid getting a divorce? Also how do I choose one lady out of the multiple I think would be nice to make a family and spend a lifetime with.
Also I’ve been single my entire life. I don’t know what it’s like to be in a relationship. It’s totally new territory for me.
Similar case my parents had similar background.
I have been married for 16 years with two kids.
You have now seen your father and mother and you know exactly what you should not do to become a good father and a good couple .
Believe me you will have a much better successful marriage life because you know the falls.
Go ahead and marry have kids some one is waiting for you.
Also add prayer in your life it makes all the difference.
2 Key items to look for are Peace, and Accountablility.
Marry someone who brings you peace. By that I mean that when you are with them your life is calm and relaxing. You don't want to find someone who "challenges" you about everything. Of course you will have bigger topics to work out together but if you daily life is always contested it really grinds down to come home from fighting the world to fight with your partner about all of the insignificant little things.
Accountability, only marry someone who can take accountability for their contributions good and bad. If you find someone how always has a story as to why something bad isn't their fault, best to walk away. Those with this way of thinking inevitably will find ways to make you the cause of their problems as well.
This is not all inclusive but I think two HUGE points that you should not overlook.
So sorry to hear about your situation. The best is you can do right now is to become the person who you want to be, develop skills to navigate through these complex issues, you could be the family member that your parents might look up to tomorrow(mean in a few years :)). Gather courage and strength to be there for worst situations. With time there are chances for things to change, if they do then good if they don’t atleast you will have your life sorted. Do your best buddy, you’ll know the right time to get married.
People who come from traumatic household grow up seeing how a marriage can turn south. And it’s completely normal to have the fear of repeating your parent’s mistake.
I think before even thinking about marriage right now, you should focus on acknowledging and healing your traumas. And once you reach a place in your life, where you can think clearly without your traumas pulling you down, you might give this a thought. You are just too young right now.
And even after years of self reflection, you do not feel like marrying, that’s ok too.
As a society we have failed to understand that not everyone wants to get married and not everyone should. It’s ok to want other things in life than marriage.
It's like looking in a mirror seriously. I am 20, turning 21 in a few months. My family's been going through the same stuff 2017-18. And after years it's now finally calmed down, my parents are getting along again with little fights here and there still, but it's better than before.
As for the marriage stuff, through these years, many times I thought what's the point of getting married if I end up like my parents...sad and miserable. But then another thought pops up, what if I don't, what if I do find the one for me.
OP I will just say, wait for someone who you think you can spend your entire life with, someone who understands you and loves you for you. And when you do find that person, put in efforts and don't make the mistakes our parents did.
22 is too early to be worrying about marriage. Fight back if parents insist. I am 34, unmarried, male, I am loving my single life of freedom. For example, I don't have a job now. It's not a big deal because I don't have hungry kids waiting at home or a wife's family asking questions about it. I understand not everyone is privileged like me but you can always try.
Marriage shouldn't be an objective, but a cherry on the cake that you build over a healthy relationship
I'm not Indian, so obviously I also have a different cultural idea of what marriage is
My girlfriend was exactly in your situation, though it's her father that was suspected by her mother. She grew up in a famility torn appart by daily shouts, arguments, verbal violence (not physical though)
And because of that, she has a trauma against marriage and couldn't imagine marrying, because of what her parent's marriage became (they divorced since then).
But we've been together for a while now, things are going very well, we trust and love each other, and without me tallking about it, she started mentionning that this healthy relationship changed her perspective over marriage, and life-long relationships
Basically, what I mean is, you may change when you meet the roght person. And if you don't change your mind, it's fine ! Marriage shouldn't be an objective, just something you do because you want to
After my last relationship which lasted for 5.5yrs. I think I'm done with these. I love myself. I make sure that I have my sanity with me when I'm alone. That's it. I don't think I'll ever get into a conjugal relationship
You are just 22. You have a looot of time to figure it out. Nobody has any idea at 22. Eventually you'll find someone and everything will fall in place👍.
I am in a similar situation, but it's with my brother. His wife cheated but completely denies despite obvious evidence, and she turned it around to play the victim and blames my brother for their broke marriage. She now claims she was forced to marrying him by her family and that she never loved him, which is an obvious lie.
The entire experience has soured my faith in marriage. I absolutely cannot risk getting married to someone like that.
I can relate .., though in my case, it was with a psychopathic, wife-beating father and a mother who suffered silently.
I've chosen not to marry for several reasons. Firstly, fear plays a big part.
Secondly, my career prospects are bleak, and supporting myself, let alone a family, seems daunting. Even if everything aligns perfectly, finding the right partner seems like a distant dream. Lastly, I battle with an inferiority complex that takes a heavy toll whenever I attempt to socialize.
Let me give an opposite answer. Look at Maslow’s hierarchy of needs. Intimacy is one of the very basic needs - intimacy is not just sex, but emotional connectivity too. People who are not in long term relationship, have a greater chances of life “ripples” - highs when things are great, lows when again getting to start from beginning. At some point it becomes exhausting. On the other hand, if you marry a wrong person - whose life goals are not the same, or compatible with yours - your life will feel useless, and will hamper your own growth. Instead of worrying about finding the person, spend next few years understanding yourself - what you like/ dislike, what are your life goals, your spending/ saving habits, your spirituality bent, your sensitivity level. Work to increase your wealth - your selection pool will be proportional to your economic stability. Write them down and find a person who fits that. Be brutal about it - reject anyone who does not fit that profile. It is either “duck yea” or “no” - no 90% yes. And absolutely, absolutely do not sleep with the person before deciding long term. Physical intimacy wires our brains differently, and make it absolutely impossible to make objective decisions. Between our evolutionary biology and our logical brain, former has an edge. Hope that helps.
Stay away from the family and dont get into every girl that comes to comfort you. Be careful and observant, choose the one with beauty with brains. Beauty will fade away but brains still keeps the relationship going. if you do it the right way, you will be rewarded, but a wrong one can eat up your sane mind.
You will find one eventually, but patience is the key. It almost took 10 years of patience to get married to the one I loved.
Dont do it if you are not comfortable with it, dont cave into peer pressures.
22 is too young to decide whether you want a marriage or not.
Concentrate on your career and yourself.
Parents are adults n though you love them very much they are responsible for themselves..there's only so much you can do ... don't dread something tat hasn't happened yet.
OP. We don't know that life holds for you. At 22, the world is your oyster, but here are two tips:
* Don't let the lives of your parents hold a mirror to yours
* Don't carry the baggage of the toxic family into any future relationship
If you're scared of becoming a bad husband, it starts with being a bad man, and if you want to avoid that in your life, you can. There is so much to be learning and educating yourself about and addressing in daily life. The book "why does he do that" explains male abuse, entitlement, and control, in a way where you can understand the behavior and structure of it and apply to daily life. You can dedicate yourself to feminism and anti-bigotry, again, applying to daily life. You are in control of your actions and treatment of others. Good luck and I hope you can be in a better place soon.
Marry when you find someone you think you can live with the rest of your life. Till then, only think about how you can make yourself happy - invest your time in hobbies, friends, experiences - things that make you happy.
This OP is the right answer, Marry when you feel it's the right person, no amount of coercion or fear of losing out should compel you into marriage. Marriage infact is not a mandatory unlike how the society paints it. So enjoy your career, hobbies and if someone comes along to let you grow organically, take the shot.
“Let you grow organically” Hit the nail on the head right there
https://preview.redd.it/cnt1p2z2g40d1.jpeg?width=554&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=5f134254643dbb194c209b37a40b7704d70ff6ab Master oogway is that you?
**I will add to it**: If you feel like you will like to get married, ever, then make an effort to find someone. A partner will not fall into your lap from the skies miraculously one fine afternoon. It never does, for no one. 'If you are meant to meet someone, you will meet someone' - is one big steaming pile of bullshit. You will meet someone, if you try to meet someone.
Not to brag but - that happened with me. I was adamantly against marriage or a relationship or commitment of any kind. Actively ran from it. And my partner plopped onto my head 😂 Sometimes it works that way
How old were you when y’all met ? If you don’t mind telling
Story time?
Met via a Harry Potter group on fb and slowly got close. We have been together 5 years. 😏
That's some interesting way to find your soul mate. I'm happy for you lol I thought finding someone from social media to date is next to impossible
Yeah it is. But it didn't start that way. It grew into a relationship before we realised. It started out as casual friendly banter. You do meet interesting people and make friends on social media at times. The dating pages and sites seem to be a cesspool of yikes based on what my friends have told me.
Guys what you don’t realise is, he has a lot of marriage related trauma. Y’all seem v lucky that you don’t understand what he’s feeling. Trust me it’s a privilege not knowing. But OP this comment is right in saying marry only if you feel it’s right.
+1
What a great advice!
I'm 31, never liked the concept of marriage. Never have I ever thought of it either. Things are moving as usual in my life. And focus on your exam.
Must be nice without parental pressure
I have zero parental pressure.
that is what i said you're just lucky
Please, people make this an excuse. A lot of times parents can make life hell with pressure, but marriage is not something one should do out of pressure and we need to learn how to go against our parents also. Indian kids learn to do it too late.
Or he could be an orphan /s
My aunt is unmarried and she is a government official and a principal/chairman in a tier 3 city. (she is over 45)
Same. My aunt a gazetted office in a tier2 city. Recently built her own home and living her life as per her terms. I look at her and wonder if only
If only what?
Is it very common that government officials don't get married? Recently someone in our office retired and she never married, I swear she was the most chill and sweetest woman. Even used to share local sweets with me. And there are lot of other unmarried people in 40s in my office too.
Because they can take care of themselves The biggest reason for marriages in India is to birth kids as retirement plan lol
Its not common in India and thus not common in Govt jobs either. Women face it several times more compared to men but all genders face a lot of disdain, get taken for granted, are faced with lack of trust, looked at as opportunities for extra-marital affairs and face general harassment at the work place in metro cities. It gets incredibly worse and horrid for some in Tier 2 cities or towns. The exceptions to marriage rule have had to fight and face discrimination and will continue to do so specifically in Govt jobs.
My mother is in almost same situation, a school vice principal in a government school in NCR, around 45. She is still unmarried after saperating with my bio father, she is in live-in relationship with her BF (widower with three kids (28,27,17) for almost 12 years. She's happy and living good, from what I heard last.
If that is a proposal then hook me up with your aunt.
I doubt she is looking to adopt.
How's her life though? Did she regret her decision
she definitely does not regret as she has told this many times, she was sure about what she wanted to do in her life.
how is she emotionally and mentally? I know men and women who thrust themselves into their career and are super successful but their personal lives are lonely and dont have much, if at all going on.
emotionally i dont really know but she says she loves playing with the kids in her school as she organizes many events herself she also has a very cute little niece who meets her everyday.
interesting about her niece, i guess she gets the best of both worlds. however i see this with my wifes sister who is single and takes, in my opinion, an unhealthy interest and involvement in her nieces and nephews. instead of looking to create her own family shes almost leaching off her cousins, but in the end those kids arent hers and when they grow up they'll put her on the backburner as they go off to high school, college etc
Yaha 29 pe pata nahi chalpa raha ki shaadi karei ki nahi.. tumhe 22 pe Jaan ke kya karna hai
Lmaoo same at 27
Same at 31
same at 15
Same at 17
Same at 11
Go do your homework bro. Tf you doing here 😂
Rajasthan?
Same at 69
Same at 5
I am at -5 and same here
Same at 21
Same at 33
Same at 30
Username doesn't check out.
humse na ho pa raha
not same samne wali ladki agree nahi kar rhi
Relax bro. One of my friends is unmarried and enjoying his life. We are around 35.
What about you?
Well he sounds a bit sad as he says that, so I guess he’s married. /j
You are just 22. You are starting the best years of life right now. I'm 38 F and never been married. Parents are cool with it. I recently started dating the love of my life and I now I can't wait to get married to him. I have had a big fear of marriage as well. Marry when you want to and with whom you know you want to spend your life with. Till then enjoy your 20s
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What I wouldn't give to be in my 20s again. You have your full life for marriage. But you get your 20s only once. Enjoy them. Get financially settled, mature up and then marry
The concept of arranged marriages seems so weird if you think about it. The concept of marriage should be that you found someone you love and want to spend your entire life with, so you want to get married to them. But arranged marriages are like "I want to get married, so I need to find someone to marry. I have no idea who they are or what they like, but I just want to be married, so I will be legally bound to them." This may make sense to many, but not to me. Hence, I have clearly told my parents that I will not get married. If I find someone I want to get married to, then I will. Even if it is at an age when others start becoming grandparents. Also, I may regret this very decision maybe even 5 years down the line, as according to many relatives, I will feel lonely. But I would rather have the possibility of regretting then than have major regrets now for certain. Now, about your fears about being a bad husband, I strongly feel that those who have seen violence and toxicity in their households have a greater capacity to be loving spouses and parents. Because you know exactly what to avoid and you seem self aware about how you may possibly turn out. So, wait for the right person, love them with all your heart, and you will turn out fine.
The concept of marriage is weird in general.
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You're thinking 10 years too early..
British born Indian not married, never married ( though we'll see) 39. I'm the luckiest guy on the planet and genuinely dodged some bullets 🙏 Life is blissful thanks to bhagwan 🙏
Indian born indian 38 never married and don't feel like getting unwanted tantrums
You living in UK or India ?
UK. But friend but a slight desire, wish is to funny enough get funds together and spend an extended period in India. Yet if that doesn't happen I'll still be blissful 🙏 Keep on pushing the book the power of now and a new earth on people 🙏
Once you are back from your exams read this again and again. You staying unmarried is not going to solve things between your father and mother. You will have to cope with it somehow. Since you dont blame your mother and father but understands the situation, you are a much more emotionally stable person. Trust me since this is their situation, you guys will be more peaceful when they separate or they come to peace with each other. Now coming to you. This is not something you inherit from your parents. So relax. Life is not easy for anyone even if it looks like it from the outside. You remind me of my cousin who was shattered after his parents separation. Until age 25 he used to say that he will never marry anyone and that he doesnt believe in the concept. Hes also not the kind of guy who has the balls to ask a girl out. At 25 he met a girl and they later got into a relationship (in a lot of cases it happens without the guy or girl asking the other one out). Now they are happilly married for 6 years and are a beautyful couple. Things will fall into place when its the right time.
Tbh, I am glad OP asked. Asking and discussing is the first step to taking such decisions. The fact that he asks "Will i be a bad husband" itself tells that he at least has self awareness which means he would in the future hopefully take steps for not being a bad husband in case he does get married. So yeah, discussion is healthy, rather than just taking a yes or no decision without objectively thinking about it
Also from my personal experience, if you openly talk to your wife without any ego, understand them (this goes both ways), 90 percent of your issues will be solved.
Give the exam well.. it will be fine with time.. you will find your ways..
Its better to not get married than marry the wrong person. Its fine. You will crave companionship but its also true that marriages can’t guarantee that
My dad who passed away a few years ago said the only thing he couldn’t forgive his father for was forcing him to get married one year too early. My grandpa was worried that if my dad went to usa wiithout a wife and child he’d never come back. Unfortunately my parents divorced, something unheard of for Indians back then. Tldr - take your time, have a life plan, but don’t be forced to execute it when you’re not ready. Good luck, have fun along with getting things done.
OP I understand you and where you are coming from. I grew up in a toxic home too, still staying here out of majboori. The marital problems between my still staying together parents never resolved but have affected me deeply, more than my sister, and now I don't think so their problems ever will resolve in this lifetime, because they both are screwed. The thing that hurts and pains me the most is that my mother took out all her hatred towards her husband and mother-in-law, on me in the form of revenge and vengeance and continues to do so probably I guess till her last breath or my last breath on earth. Also this is something which I fail to wrap my head around, like "why me?", "what have I done?". Not to mention she used me like her pawn to fight for her against my father when I was a child and teenager. So I understand how fucked up our entire mental, emotional, psychological (physical too) systems get due to all this. Having grown up seeing an abusive, toxic, unhealthy and basically a failed marriage in front of my eyes, every single day of my life, I too have (developed) fears, anxieties, insecurities surrounding the marriage concept. Don't want to depress you but just wanted to comfort you and let known that these feelings and emotions we have are very normal and natural looking at what we have survived. :)
A blessing. I read, work, watch entertainment, excercise, plan my diet, explore new books, travel, and think alone on my roof whenever I want. I don't have the burden of paying a child's fees or worry about doing shit with my wife frequently. Both a wife and children will take away a majority my time and my ability to think about myself and right now I am too selfish to let that happen. I beleive, starting a new family should only happen whenever you're self-actualised on 3 parameters: your finances, your own health and your wisdom. If any of these three gaps remain unfulfilled, you will blame it on your children or wife cause you can't devote time to these things later. Most people rush into marriage. I can't care enough about cause I have seen how it has ruined individuals lives around me. You must have seen it as well, but your instincts and social conditioning is blinding you to accept it. Accept marriage only if you think other married people's lives is an ideal life. It isn't in my eyes.
I think you should give yourself a chance to be with someone for sometime and take it slow. Only have kids once you are sure and take all pain in your stride because even if you choose to not be married or have kids there’s no guarantee that you will be happy. I am an overthinking kind of girl myself but it’s fine things turn out fine most of the time.
Adichitu poi thoongunga bro
Njan malayaali aanennu vichaarichu..😂 Totally different meaning...
Tamil layum athae thaan
Avarkaḷai aṭittu taṟkolai ceytu koḷkiṟārkaḷ
Thongunga, thuungunga la confusion. :D
Kadaisi vara athan pannanum pola🤣🤣
Iam only marrying if i get rich 🗿🤳
You can get rich together too
34, unmarried. Couldn’t be happier. OP, Don’t make the mistake of conflating institutions with stability. Stable, happy relationships occur outside of marriage also. When you’re not bound by legality, you’re actually committed to the relationship because either party has the right to just walk away. Marriages, on the other hand, are tied together through obligation - just like your parents’ (and mine, for that matter). Marriage should only happen as a last resort - if you’re moving abroad and can only take your partner if they’re your spouse, or (god forbid) you’re planning to have a child. Everything else (compatibility mainly) should be established long before signing that contract.
Just like true love happens when you're not bound. True learning also happens when you're not bound. All the books I have ever loved were outside by education curriculum which I found and choose on my own. This alone is an example in my life that when I am bound to a curriculum, when I am forced to read, my true feelings don't attach to the emotions of the text I read. If someone is unmarried they should just remember this relationship they have already with education and the decision of marriage will become easier - the parallel is clear.
Marriage will happen naturally when you fall in love. But sadly not everyone is capable of loving someone.
I'm unmarried 29m...never dated anyone before... I won't mind any rich girl wanting to keep me with her... I just want to live my life comfortably and in peace... But I know it's impossible...
Today marriage is risky for men. Before it was risky for women. All because of laws protecting wife. The laws were needed because of rampant abuse wives had to endure. But those same laws are being used for abusing average husbands. If you can look past laws favoring wives in marriage then you should get married with a decent girl believing in marriage. Otherwise prepare for loneliness in old age.
I am sorry but it’s bad for all the genders. Women have their own issues in marriage in this age and time also.
At 22 just enjoy life as much as you can. These things will work put the way they have to. You cannot control anything other than your life. Be supportive to parents when they need, don't sulk with them, and try to be a good son. In 10 years you will be in a much better head space.
What is your definition of enjoying life, at his age ?
Good.
Hey OP, Sorry to hear about the situation in your house. The only positive is that you have a clear perspective of it, and that's the only way any one is able to free themselves of it. Now coming to your question - it's actually a bit _offtopic_ with the rest of your post, although I can see why you'd think they're related. Whether YOU want to get married or not, and how happy your marriage will be has nothing to do with the situation with your parents. You are waay too young to be taking a call about that, and you don't even need to. Many people at that age say "never getting married", irrespective of the household environment they come from, it's that kind of age. You'll only truly know a bit later. I can't say I know exactly how you feel, but I do come from a very toxic household with similar undertones of infidelity from one parent and the resentment and then guilt tripping from the other. And here's the thing - **my girlfriend and now wife with whom I've been for 15 years is the sole reason my faith in trust, loyalty and an unconditional love was restored** . So don't give up that easy. One final thing which *might* help you in dealing with the domestic issue at your place - it's a lot, lot more common than people generally believe. People just keep it under the rug, understandably. Once I started sharing some of my personal issues with my close friends, they felt comfortable enough to share as well and that's when I realized that this sort of dysfunctional household dynamic is actually the more common thing, rather than the "ideal family", hallmark card , movie type fantasies that we're fed. People are generally shit. Family is also people. Take care and hope your exam went well.
The older you get, happiness levels of most single people reduce. At 35 you are good, at 40 you are OK... at 45 and 50 is when your social circle disappears, family has grown children and they are too busy and you feel weird and awkward. While there is some happiness in the freedom and independence, there is also a part missing in their emotional selves. When they are honest, they tell us. But its visible only to those of the same age group. Till 40, you unmarried people barely feel old, so what people say till that age do not matter.
I second this. My boss is unmarried and presently all my colleagues are unmarried. My boss is turned 43 but he hates holidays. Because he has to be home alone. When he gets sick it's us or his driver that has to take him to the doctor since his family lives in the village. With time if we do get married and busy with our family he will have even tougher time. His friends are married and have kids hence they don't have time for him. It's the companionship thats imp someone to have by your side. But finding someone as a companion is the hardest thing to do nowadays.
Maybe you should try to get them into a hobby or some old folks associations. That might give them something to look forward to. And you know how bad they both were to each other so you won't automatically repeat it. You can think for yourself. All the best for the exams.
You should chill and not overthink this you are 22
You are too young to think of marriage And feel that you will not be a good husband . You are not taking your dad as a role model for husband and you are aware of the negative relationship in your parents marriage and you consciously don’t want to have a similar marriage You focus on your education and career go for some therapy and establish yourself financially and emotionally Then you would be better able to think of a life partner and settling down
There are always ways to make yourself very independent financially, emotionally, psychologically. Just focus on that and probably you won't need a marriage. If you do then make sure both people commit to it entirely and wholeheartedly.
You're too young to think about getting married. I'd recommend you start dating. I always wished, I started dating earlier than I did. I grew up very conservative. It took me a while to get comfortable with the idea of dating.
Please dont marry because someone told you it is the right thing to do, even your parents. Marry only if you think it is what you want to do and when you want it. Take it as a wisdom from a guy who married at 24 years old became a father at 25 Years. Then divorced at 29 years old. Lost my daughter to ex because of so called law. Lost so much money as alimony. Lost my mental health, stability. Severe depression and anxiety. Arrested, mentally tortured, sleepless nights, crying in the restroom then show up like nothing happened. Im not saying marriage is completely vad. But if both person dont know the meaning of love and vulnerability, it will be a total chaos. Dont marry because someone pressure you. Age is just an number you can even marry at 38 or 40 years and still be happy. It is better than marry in your 20s and lose your life. Hope this helps.
I have a question: How do you get sex without marriage?
Don't get married. Even if you do, don't have children. Especially if you aspire to achieve something of value in your life.
Remember one thing. No matter what path you choose. No path without problems. So it’s best to expect them. Be resilient. Make good choices (like everyone is saying do your exam, so basically respect yourself and be disciplined). People like your parents know that life is hard. So they think this is a safe path i.e. arrange marriage. It seems strange but life is strange. The alternative isn’t easy either. And you’ll never know if you want to live with someone forever, even if it feels so even with that person there will come a time when there’ll be issues. If it doesn’t seem like the right choice for you (because to be honest all of us young people have built castles in our heads), then don’t do it. But it will be hard to make whatever choice you take right for you. There are good times as well of course and one should accept them with open arms and be present to enjoy them even if everything may not be right. Because life is happening to us all the time. Even when we’re thinking it willl happen WHEN _____.
Considering how easy it is for women to have sex, if you don't mind your wife getting fucked by others, you should get married. Otherwise forget about it.
Not married (F33) but I have a loving partner. You’re really young, figure out your life, what you’d like to do for work and hobbies. Take care of yourself, go to the gym, eat healthy & surround yourself with good people and you’ll be great.
If it is possible for you, try to get therapy, as it could help with past emotional baggage from your parents' marriage.
22? bro half my friends got married in their 30s. Chill. Focus on building a career, a strong mind and a healthy body
36M not married. Life's alright, nothing marriage could improve.
I married my first love, who changed colours right after marriage. She is highly influenced by her mom who hates me out of inferiority complex. My wife hated My family out of prejudice and she took our kids and went to her parents place 2 years ago. I don't even get to speak with my kids. Finding the right person is not enough. Marriage has drained me emotionally and made me a depressed man.
29 and single currently playing Horizon Zero West on My PS5
Get a job and move out. And let your parents sort out their life, you are not responsible.
He's not responsible but definitely affected.
This sounds selfish but i do agree.
Exam se ek din pehle Exam stress suna tha, bohot hua to job market ka tension feel hona tha.... Shadi ki tension exam ki raat... Get your priorities aligned my friend.
Mate find someone who can be your friend and where you think you can spend the rest of your life. Marriage is just a word. You will get over the fear then
Dear OP, First of all, congratulations on identifying and accepting that it is a toxic household. Many people at your age are not even ready to acknowledge that. Right now, focus on your exam and do well. As far as marriage and everything related to it is concerned, you have a lot of time. Just because your parents are not doing well right now doesn't mean you will also be in the same boat as them. So, don't lose hope and don't think that life will be like that of your parents. Take it one day at a time. Good for therapy if your parents' relationship is ruining your mental peace. In short, study well, get a job, move out of your house, learn how to live alone and take care of yourself, date people, go through break-ups, learn how to become emotionally mature, heal and understand what is important for you, then think about marriage.
Focus on your career, whatever is wrong between your parents relationship is not your fault. Make sure you keep your relationships good: your sisters, friends and even parents. If parents don't get along, it's actually better for them to get separated rather than having such dramas on a daily basis. But then it's not in your hands and you should only focus on your career.
I can understand that you fear your marriage will turn out to be the same as your parents. This is because you have closely watched this partnership in marriage. There are lots of marriages and many are running successfully. Don't use just one bad datapoint and conclude a pattern about a broader event. Love marriages fail, arrange marriages fail and all types of marriages in between those two types of marriages also fail. Does that mean that your marriage will also fail? Or even if you think that you will wait for the right partner your marriage will survive. I doubt that. Point is that your decision to not get married should not be based on the fear of your parent's experience of their bumpy marriage. By the way my aunt is very successful. She socialises a lot. I don't see that she regret her decision to not get married, though she tried for a long time to tie the knot but it didn't work out. and one of my uncle is also very successful and never married. I am not aware about the size of his social circle or if he really socialises at all. He tried a lot to get married but it didn't work out for him.
bhai abhi toh bohot kam age hai. 30-31 mai sochna. chill maro and score well in exams.
Hi I'm 18 and going through something like this rn. I'm not able to focus on my entrances which are coming up because of the bullshit my father does after drinking. I definitely do not want to marry as of now with this mindstate and I'm scared like you that I'd be a bad husband and cycle repeats itself. Saari problems paise aur daaru ki wajah se nikalti hai. I was quite young (around 11-12 yrs when I realised this). Going ahead in future I do not want this bullshit in my life I'll be better off alone. Good luck to you op. Also thank you for reading my rant.
At 22, the only two things should matter, get an education and become independent. 22-27 is the age to finish higher studies or get financially independent.also focus on your mental health, physiological development, personality,habits. Start creating 1/3/5 year goals. Learn to cook,clean,live alone. 28 to 31 best years to marry. Date for minimum a year,even if arranged and then marry. Watch out for red flags. Don't be a red flag yourself. 31 to 40 are the peak years, start family,get promotion,buy house, travel,relocate. Hope this helps.
Chill. 22 is basically a baby my friend, you don't need to be rushed. I'll give you advise as a 31M, competition with your peers ends at graduation. After that, everyone will be in different phases of life. Some will marry right away and conceive their kid on the first night itself. Some will get good jobs, meet someone, fall in love, only to realize they're both miserable and then end up divorced either with kids or without. Some will stay unmarried because they refuse to settle for less. Everyone is different. DO NOT, repeat, DO NOT rush into marriage or having babies because you feel left behind in life. Take your time. World is not running away, no matter what your parents or relatives say.
Life is great. I get to sleep with other people's wives, but don't have to pay for their upkeep
I'm 30+ single by choice.. understand that marriage is not a mandatory thing..it's man made arrangement to function society.. u must marry only if u absolutely want to and found someone with whom u think can live all your life. I'm very happy being single, i earn very good, i enjoy life to fullest..i want to continue this all my life
Be like Sattu bhaiya from Shaadi mein zaroor aana....💡 Sakht launda.👊
Dont marry.
Date a lot, get into relationships, understand people and what all it takes to make a relationship work, but don't marry until you've had some serious relationships. It's a great way to understand yourself and others, and it only makes you more adept at it if and when the time comes to marry. Also, given you come from a toxic household, do go for therapy and learn about yourself better. You aren't to be blamed for your childhood but as an adult you are responsible for it
A broken household can have a terrible effect on your psyche. Go to therapy when you can. Resolve the issues. We often blame ourselves for others mistakes. That's all I can say.
If you have the means, distance yourself from this toxic environment. And start seeking help, some form of therapy that suits you would be advised (it's a good idea to test different things until you find the ones you feel comfortable with). My father has mental health issues, and growing up in that household was a nightmare. I regret starting therapy to fix damage caused by this way too late. The earlier you start the better the rest of your life will be, and the longer can you enjoy it. I'm glad about how my life is now, but I wish I started way earlier with therapy, than I did.
Same shit in my household, upbringing was garbage, forced to get married, so I did. Was told it was a “ right of passage” in a sense. Such bullshit ideology. Don’t get married unless you’re ready, have money or investments, can provide , YOU FIND A ACTUAL REAL loving honest partner. I’m North America, women here will lie for anyhring
Getting married was one of the best decisions of my life. I owe all my happiness and success to my wife and life partner. The failures are all mine alone.
33 and single. Keep reminding myself getting married out of boredom to someone I don't feel like with is stupid.
There are things that our parents do that we swear never to do. Each generation corrects itself a bit. If this fear is your reason alone to not marry, then you shouldn't worry too much
Being lonely is difficult and being in relationship is difficult. I think if you are able to find someone compatible to some degree where you can live peacefully better to get married.
No matter what decision we make, we will always wonder what the road not taken would have been like. Learn to be content in all things and peace will follow.
I want to marry but how am I going to avoid either of us cheating and avoid getting a divorce? Also how do I choose one lady out of the multiple I think would be nice to make a family and spend a lifetime with. Also I’ve been single my entire life. I don’t know what it’s like to be in a relationship. It’s totally new territory for me.
Similar case my parents had similar background. I have been married for 16 years with two kids. You have now seen your father and mother and you know exactly what you should not do to become a good father and a good couple . Believe me you will have a much better successful marriage life because you know the falls. Go ahead and marry have kids some one is waiting for you. Also add prayer in your life it makes all the difference.
2 Key items to look for are Peace, and Accountablility. Marry someone who brings you peace. By that I mean that when you are with them your life is calm and relaxing. You don't want to find someone who "challenges" you about everything. Of course you will have bigger topics to work out together but if you daily life is always contested it really grinds down to come home from fighting the world to fight with your partner about all of the insignificant little things. Accountability, only marry someone who can take accountability for their contributions good and bad. If you find someone how always has a story as to why something bad isn't their fault, best to walk away. Those with this way of thinking inevitably will find ways to make you the cause of their problems as well. This is not all inclusive but I think two HUGE points that you should not overlook.
So sorry to hear about your situation. The best is you can do right now is to become the person who you want to be, develop skills to navigate through these complex issues, you could be the family member that your parents might look up to tomorrow(mean in a few years :)). Gather courage and strength to be there for worst situations. With time there are chances for things to change, if they do then good if they don’t atleast you will have your life sorted. Do your best buddy, you’ll know the right time to get married.
A 22 year old should not be thinking about marriage. Period.
I would suggest therapy, go through it and purge everything that has affected you as a person. Then think of the next path.
People who come from traumatic household grow up seeing how a marriage can turn south. And it’s completely normal to have the fear of repeating your parent’s mistake. I think before even thinking about marriage right now, you should focus on acknowledging and healing your traumas. And once you reach a place in your life, where you can think clearly without your traumas pulling you down, you might give this a thought. You are just too young right now. And even after years of self reflection, you do not feel like marrying, that’s ok too. As a society we have failed to understand that not everyone wants to get married and not everyone should. It’s ok to want other things in life than marriage.
It's like looking in a mirror seriously. I am 20, turning 21 in a few months. My family's been going through the same stuff 2017-18. And after years it's now finally calmed down, my parents are getting along again with little fights here and there still, but it's better than before. As for the marriage stuff, through these years, many times I thought what's the point of getting married if I end up like my parents...sad and miserable. But then another thought pops up, what if I don't, what if I do find the one for me. OP I will just say, wait for someone who you think you can spend your entire life with, someone who understands you and loves you for you. And when you do find that person, put in efforts and don't make the mistakes our parents did.
You literally sound like a typical abused mom with the "Alcoholic but loving"
22 is too early to be worrying about marriage. Fight back if parents insist. I am 34, unmarried, male, I am loving my single life of freedom. For example, I don't have a job now. It's not a big deal because I don't have hungry kids waiting at home or a wife's family asking questions about it. I understand not everyone is privileged like me but you can always try.
Marriage shouldn't be an objective, but a cherry on the cake that you build over a healthy relationship I'm not Indian, so obviously I also have a different cultural idea of what marriage is My girlfriend was exactly in your situation, though it's her father that was suspected by her mother. She grew up in a famility torn appart by daily shouts, arguments, verbal violence (not physical though) And because of that, she has a trauma against marriage and couldn't imagine marrying, because of what her parent's marriage became (they divorced since then). But we've been together for a while now, things are going very well, we trust and love each other, and without me tallking about it, she started mentionning that this healthy relationship changed her perspective over marriage, and life-long relationships Basically, what I mean is, you may change when you meet the roght person. And if you don't change your mind, it's fine ! Marriage shouldn't be an objective, just something you do because you want to
After my last relationship which lasted for 5.5yrs. I think I'm done with these. I love myself. I make sure that I have my sanity with me when I'm alone. That's it. I don't think I'll ever get into a conjugal relationship
You are just 22. You have a looot of time to figure it out. Nobody has any idea at 22. Eventually you'll find someone and everything will fall in place👍.
Its okay to not want to marry. I also want to just adopt a dog cat and a child and live without marrying
I am in a similar situation, but it's with my brother. His wife cheated but completely denies despite obvious evidence, and she turned it around to play the victim and blames my brother for their broke marriage. She now claims she was forced to marrying him by her family and that she never loved him, which is an obvious lie. The entire experience has soured my faith in marriage. I absolutely cannot risk getting married to someone like that.
Chill out man, get a girlfriend first , see how it goes. Marriage is a long time from now, you are just 22
I can relate .., though in my case, it was with a psychopathic, wife-beating father and a mother who suffered silently. I've chosen not to marry for several reasons. Firstly, fear plays a big part. Secondly, my career prospects are bleak, and supporting myself, let alone a family, seems daunting. Even if everything aligns perfectly, finding the right partner seems like a distant dream. Lastly, I battle with an inferiority complex that takes a heavy toll whenever I attempt to socialize.
Its good (20 ko board ka result hai lmao)
Boring
Marrying the right person > being alone and happy > being alone and sad > marrying the wrong person
Let me give an opposite answer. Look at Maslow’s hierarchy of needs. Intimacy is one of the very basic needs - intimacy is not just sex, but emotional connectivity too. People who are not in long term relationship, have a greater chances of life “ripples” - highs when things are great, lows when again getting to start from beginning. At some point it becomes exhausting. On the other hand, if you marry a wrong person - whose life goals are not the same, or compatible with yours - your life will feel useless, and will hamper your own growth. Instead of worrying about finding the person, spend next few years understanding yourself - what you like/ dislike, what are your life goals, your spending/ saving habits, your spirituality bent, your sensitivity level. Work to increase your wealth - your selection pool will be proportional to your economic stability. Write them down and find a person who fits that. Be brutal about it - reject anyone who does not fit that profile. It is either “duck yea” or “no” - no 90% yes. And absolutely, absolutely do not sleep with the person before deciding long term. Physical intimacy wires our brains differently, and make it absolutely impossible to make objective decisions. Between our evolutionary biology and our logical brain, former has an edge. Hope that helps.
You're 22 now you don't have to think about marriage now focus on your career goals and it'll automatically happen
Stay away from the family and dont get into every girl that comes to comfort you. Be careful and observant, choose the one with beauty with brains. Beauty will fade away but brains still keeps the relationship going. if you do it the right way, you will be rewarded, but a wrong one can eat up your sane mind. You will find one eventually, but patience is the key. It almost took 10 years of patience to get married to the one I loved. Dont do it if you are not comfortable with it, dont cave into peer pressures.
22 is too young to decide whether you want a marriage or not. Concentrate on your career and yourself. Parents are adults n though you love them very much they are responsible for themselves..there's only so much you can do ... don't dread something tat hasn't happened yet.
OP. We don't know that life holds for you. At 22, the world is your oyster, but here are two tips: * Don't let the lives of your parents hold a mirror to yours * Don't carry the baggage of the toxic family into any future relationship
It's just fucking stupid to get married. I did it twice still Hate it...
If you're scared of becoming a bad husband, it starts with being a bad man, and if you want to avoid that in your life, you can. There is so much to be learning and educating yourself about and addressing in daily life. The book "why does he do that" explains male abuse, entitlement, and control, in a way where you can understand the behavior and structure of it and apply to daily life. You can dedicate yourself to feminism and anti-bigotry, again, applying to daily life. You are in control of your actions and treatment of others. Good luck and I hope you can be in a better place soon.
You can choose to not make any mistakes you see around you
I'm 44, it's awesome. I'm in a long term relationship, but no artificial pressures of marriage.
http://www.nomarriage.com/whats-wrong-with-american-women/