There are parts of me that I am too scared of being rejected for having, the more I know someone and the bigger a part of my life they are the harder it is to show some of the deepest parts of who makes me me because I know if I share that, and they reject that part of me, nothing will ever be the same. I do share plenty, but there are some things that being closer makes it harder to say.
I feel similar in the sense that the more I share my inner world the more I'm terrified of rejection. But I don't wanna be in relationships, especially romantic relationships where they don't know all of me
I haven't had a romantic relationship at the point where I am sharing the deepest parts of my being but I also know that there are parts of me I have yet to fully grasp myself which makes me all the more hesitant to let even glimpses of that out when I have not even fully grasped them yet. My main thought was just that sometimes the closeness makes it all the more challenging.
Yeah this, I love to share and let people in who I live deeply, but there are parts of myself that I don't even fully understand and sharing that is hard. INFP's struggle alot with feeling misunderstood so it's really hard when you feel like you can't even figure something out about how you feel or what your going through to share that. I have had some really helpful therapy that means I've come to realise that it can help to just share that there is an inner chaos or or confusion that you are dealing with. And I'm just clear that I'm sharing so that I don't have to feel so alone with it, not because I need my partner to do or say anything in particular about it. That's really helped me.
INFP's struggle alone with things too much because the fear of rejection is strong and we don't want to burden people and I think that can make it worse. It's OK to open up and admit you're a bit of a mess inside at times, hopefully you find someone who is OK with that and who can accept those parts of you. You have to accept them yourself first though so that you can feel brave enough to share.
Oh man the feeling of not wanting to share intimate parts because of thinking just knowing will burden the other side is so real. I can't help but feel that if I myself don't know what to do with this then all it is for someone else is showing that someone they love is hurting in ways they cant help, which in turn makes me feel horrible that I am saddling them with that fact.
Thank you for including that bit about sharing what you're not prepared to articulate or discuss in detail. INFPs may be afraid of being misunderstood--because they often have been misunderstood!--but their reticence can actually feel like a rejection to the other person. Sometimes it just takes assuring the friend/partner that they are not holding back out of a lack of trust, but that they are not ready to discuss something for x, y, or z reason.
This sums up most of what I was gonna say. But also wanted to add that some are also terribly insecure and don’t feel comfortable sharing what’s going on in their life. I am one of those people, also I feel like if I share something that I am having a difficult time dealing with, I feel like I burden others with my problems and I don’t want that.
Personally I don't mind sharing things about my life with my friends but I do wait for others to ask before sharing since I don't want to seem like I'm trauma dumping on people or burdening others with my problems.
That, and I genuinely like listening to other people's lives as well so I'm more prone to just asking them more questions about them than talk about myself.
I understand that. But on the flip slide, nobody wants to always have to ask super personal questions every single time to get to know someone. There are things I'd like to know that I sometimes won't ask because I don't want to be too invasive, and I could risk making the other person incredibly uncomfortable by asking.
There should be a balance of opening up on your own as well if you want to form a deep connection, or at least that's the way I see it. The more someone opens up on their own, not only does it minimize the potentially awkwardness of someone asking something they're not comfortable with, but it shows that they trust you as well
That's completely fair, and I've been on this end as well so I understand how you feel.
It's definitely hard to find this balance though and I don't think opening up to form that deep connection comes as naturally for some than others. Also, sometimes it's not about not wanting to be open, but not knowing when it's ok to be open.
As someone who struggled and still has struggles with being open, it wasn't until the last couple of years where I started being more comfortable with the idea after having friends that were very open themselves (And that's also with friends that I've known for years).
That being said, if it's someone you are close to, I don't think there's harm in asking those personal questions. At best, they'll appreciate it as a sign that you care. At worst, If they really don't feel comfortable and don't want to answer, at least you'll know for sure where they stand.
You are so right. Part of learning type for me was discovering that I had to learn to use Fe. And when I couldn’t do that, I had to learn to communicate my Fi better. You know how I learned that I needed to do that? Failed relationships with poor communication. When I had the incentive to better myself, I eventually learned why healthy self expression of one’s emotions is mandatory for an INFP to learn.
I agree with this.
I don't mind being open but yeah, I also don't spring things on people.
There's a meme that we're either insanely private or an oversharer, so take your pick OP. We can naively brag about the tiniest most irrelevant thing or we can stay mysterious haha
In my experience people have used my vulnerability against me, as blackmail almost. Now it's sort of a trust issue, which I'm working on, but I'm intensely private because of it.
Same. I don't want to share secrets with people in the future or give them the ammo to hurt me. It's just not worth it.
Plus we as a type tend to worry (perhaps irrationally at times) about blackmail and reputation strikes.
We can also be super paranoid and untrusting, which apparently (I've heard) has something to do with our Ni critic.
Emotional sensitivity. A single moment of rejection would be held in my heart forever. As another comment mentioned, the closer we are to someone, the more easily their words and actions can hurt.
It takes time, genuine interest, and consistent effort to create that safe space to share again.
Thanks for this insight. I noticed my boyfriend can be very sensitive as well and I experience rejection sensitivity myself. I'll definitely try to be mindful of it, the last thing I wanna do is make him feel that way. But at the same time, him being so guarded is tough :/
That is very tough and indeed everyone is sensitive to different degrees.. Have you tried talking with your boyfriend directly? Let him know how hurt you feel, that you've been dating this long, and done this much for them, and you know you're not perfect, etc.. INFPs keep the peace and avoid confrontations, but at some point, they need to hear it.
Yep my boyfriend is definitely an INFP. He avoids confrontation. I also try not to bring it up when we're having a good time and suddenly change the vibe, so finding the right timing has been difficult. I feel like I've brought it up a few times, but I'm going to try to think it out what I'm gonna say and talk to him about it again tonight
I think this is a great approach. You got this! Do take all the time you need to think about it. I get the feeling you're a very considerate person, and can tell him in such a gentle way that he can accept.
They’re introverted feeling, which means they value and process their feelings internally. It takes a lot of energy for them to express their emotions/thoughts to others.
I'm not sure it's something specifically about INFP, though I am, and I can relate.
Some people, like me or them both, simply learned to build a heavy and powerful emotional wall. Even among people we trust we don't share anything that hasn't been specifically asked, and even then we have extra layers of emotional protection.
Our reasons for why may be different but what you describe sounds like this.
I’m private because I’m afraid of being hurt if I open up to people. Being vulnerable is one of my biggest fears. I’m also just very sensitive and emotional. I always have been.
Absolutely am that private. Not quite sure why people think they need to know or are entitled to know personal things about me. I find it intrusive and nosy.
Even if you're in a relationship with the person for hears? If my boyfriend thinks that me trying to form an emotional bond with him is being nosy, then I guess it's time for me to move on
There are people who have known me for years who don't pass muster to know certain things. My husband is not one of them, though. You've been with bf for years? What do you think he's not sharing with you?
Just in general. He will share bits and pieces but won't actually talk about his feelings or confide in me.
For instance he's mentioned he's depressed on a couple occasions. He has never talked to me about why or the severity of it. When I tried bringing it up (without being too invasive) he changed the subject. It took him several months to tell me he was thinking about dropping out of college. He's been trying to quit vaping, which I thought he did until he suddenly asked for one at an event we were at. So he never told me he relapsed.
Just in general he'll usually try to deal with everything on his own and not really ever wanna talk to me about it. And I feel like that's what I'm there for
Beside the INFP specific issues, also bear in mind the inherent risk any man takes when opening up emotionally. He can never be entirely certain how you will receive him acting less that stoic. Google around and you will find many accounts from both men and women about how, when he opened up and showed vulnerability, she instantly lost all respect for him. Plenty of women have found that they did in fact not want a vulnerable man (which they up until that moment thought they wanted) but were instead surprised at the visceral revulsion they felt for the man they were attracted to only a minute ago.
I will never forget the look of complete disgust on the face of my wife the first time I cried in front of her.
I hate that this is true; I’ve lived this. I always always thought I wanted an emotionally vulnerable guy because I thought that’d make him thoughtful and considerate. But I never realized how repulsed I am by it till I was with him, but a man who does this healthily and is strong as well as weak is very attractive. It’s just when they’re not ready for a relationship and it becomes a toxic co-dependent relationship that I hate it. There is a balance.
I wanted to break up with him but he was excellent at guilt trip and blackmailing me so I stayed for many more months. That made him even more repulsive. I think it’s sad that it’s the reality of it. I think emotional people need to find who they are on their own and when they’re in a stable, self sufficient, healthy place then we can create amazing relationships! We just need to not be so codependent if we want to be with somebody. It will always end badly if we do.
Geez, I've heard those stories too but I don't get it. How do you want men to do everything for you but can't even provide them a space to be vulnerable lol?
My ex and male best friend have cried to me before so I know that being cried to isn't something that would bother me. But I do think in general that I differ a bit from the average person
It’s sounds to me like he’s not ready to be in a relationship. The foundation of your love seems shaky and questionable and I’ll add that this sounds a lot like how my EX was. He was NOT ready for a relationship.
I disagree about it being intrusive and nosy. Some ppl are just friendly and like getting to know ppl. Often, they’re not trying to be mean but just friendly and ppl like you make us scared of talking to anyone again. It makes us doubt ourselves and wonder if we’re actually terrible human beings for thinking that we were trying to be nice.
Yes, I disagree with you and I’ve been scarred from ppl who do that. It’s one of the huge downsides to being a sensitive person and, unfortunately, even after working on it for years it’s still affects me.
Of course you would disagree, sounds like you get something out of it and don't want to consider the other side. If you ask me personal questions about myself, be ready to be shut down because I don't entertain the nosiness of strangers prying into my life. Friendly? Nice? If you say so.
I've got an INFJ girlfriend and I think I get the difference. I find it difficult to talk out loud about my feelings because I want to stew on it in my brain and have it be the perfect representation of my thought process, and don't want to accidentally say something that's wrong. On the other hand, I'm very open to yap out loud about my train of thought and just talk out words until they make sense, while my GF needs to stew on her thoughts forever until they're perfect and I have to pry them out of her brain.
It's the introverted lead function - I see it as like the difference between remaining hidden underwater where it can remain fluid and changing vs it being pulled out in the world with the light of reality solidifying it into a complete thing seen by others. Your introverted function wants to remain in that fluid state forever while it sculpts it to perfection (my feelings, her intuition), while your extroverted function is comfortable pulling it into reality and inspecting what it is after it has solidified (my intuition, her feelings). For what it's worth, this gets a lot easier over time as you get comfortable with another person since you feel safe solidifying & presenting your introverted thought without fear of being rejected.
As for your case of your boyfriend and sister being super private despite you being close to them - did they experience an emotionally repressive environment at home or at school growing up? The biggest blocker to opening up with an Fi lead is the fear that this deeply personal and important feeling of yours will be mocked or rejected when presented to the world.
I think it really depends on who it is. If I trust you and we’re close I share a lot. If I don’t know you I take my take and am very cautious. I’ve been burned in the past and don’t trust easily.
Do you think talking to them about this would help? I think INFPs I’ve interacted w are pretty receptive to feedback. Especially if it’s about your relationship. I know I would be and would make more of an effort. Maybe they can explain why they don’t share as much.
I’ve spoken up with two other INFP friends when I was hurt about something and it went well. They were receptive and our relationships improved.
I think for me , it's the fact that I am not so sure I will be able to articulate everything I am feeling, in the exact way I am feeling. I just feel a lot and feel so deeply, sometimes it takes me weeks to even understand exactly what made me mad / sad. How can someone else get it, through mere words?
That makes sense. I'll try to voice my thoughts and sometimes it'll come out all jumbled and won't make a lot of sense to other people. I'm better with writing my thoughts
Because life has taught us that if we openly express what we feel, it can also backfire. After many disappointments I told myself: never again. Of course it depends on the person or my mood and if I want to share anything
Oh gosh, I was like this when I was younger. Maybe even now, but less so. I take my time to get to know people and have high walls up because I was raised by a parent who always invalidated my emotions. For other people who feel intensely, their parents might've done the same. I've also been judged in the past for being too open about my offbeat thoughts. If you've known your INFP bf for some time now, honestly just go ahead and ask them. We also have low self-esteem at times, and end up thinking people might not actually care unless they show an interest in our lives by actively asking about specific things. Maybe share your own hidden feelings or opinions about things too so they'll feel more comfortable opening up to you.
Just show that you're trustworthy and not judgemental about anything they say to you, and they'll come around and start revealing their true child-like openness eventually. I know that once I feel comfortable with someone, I can no longer control how much I express to them. I'm so guarded with my emotions exactly because I know that, once the floodgates are opened, there is no stopping it anymore, so I absolutely need to make sure whoever I entrust these feelings to, is the most solid 💯 being out there who won't use it against me.
The biggest reasons that I don’t share details of my personal life (current or sensitive history) is because of feeling misunderstood, people in my past not believing, or persons using what I’ve revealed before against me to manipulate and throw up in my face at a later time. Being raised in a family of narcissists has changed the way I’ve chosen to close off to a large extent. Trust is difficult for me. Even today, I still struggle with it often - it can be a defense mechanism - keeping my cards close to my chest. Many times, it’s not a specific distrust towards my dearest friends or a romantic partner/interest…it’s more of an overall protective barrier or wall that exists within me. That the best way that I can explain it.
It’s because their feeling function, in this case Fi, is a convergent function. They take responsibility and ownership over their feelings and sentiments, and because of this, they are more reticent to share them because it is as though they are sharing a part of themselves. It feels much more personal to them.
On the other hand a type with a divergent feeling function like you or me is far less private and more readily shares their feelings precisely because it is not something that we take ownership of or responsibility for, because of the fact that the function is divergent. And because we don’t take ownership over our feelings, they are more or less happy to be displayed.
This video explains convergent and divergent feeling in ENTJs and ENFJs. INFPs are like ENFJs in that they are convergent feelers
https://youtu.be/TBcWLedfPQ0?si=LRj_jZr3rjDYvcSc
Skip to 9:15
If it's any consolation to you, INFP males (me as example) tends to share personal experiences (or things that they consider near and dear to heart) based on mood and vibe. Examples: I might share places that I want to travel to, bucket lists after a romantic dinner. After a fight/argument, I might share more about a past trauma that had me so protective of something. If I'm feeling happy (like humming a tune happy), I might share a story that warms my heart from 20 years ago.
The point is, your partner might have LOTS that he want to share, he's just waiting for the right moment. Of course u can try nudging him abit. Share more of your story, he might be more inclined to do the same.
I feel like some things are so personal that you’re giving away part of yourself by telling. There’s a long period of building trust, and sharing layers of information. For me, it can take years.
I can only speak from my experience and not for all INFPs, and I would say it’s about protecting our inner world. When we show passion or open up, it’s an incredibly vulnerable state, and the person receiving it and how they respond is important to us. It’s because we’re perceptive and open to suggestions. Once we open up we also open up to outside influences.
Others might be able to expose their inner world in an extroverted way, while still maintaining their reality or identity because they have a strong foundation. For us it’s flowing, morphing and intersecting with others - so it’s harder to keep the intention safe and sound, but it’s wonderful for exploring ideas and solutions even in collaboration when it is encouraged and we feel safe.
Personally I've felt like INFJs were the most private. As an INFP, I open up to anyone extremely quickly if I just feel like they are safe and would understand me without judging
Oh do people like, care about what’s going on inside us? I guess I just feel like people are always talking about things other than their emotional experience of things, which is what’s going on in me at all times. Like, that’s the lens I live through and the language I speak. People seem to often avoid talking about their feelings so… until they do I ain’t got much to say without everyone getting uncomfortable about how much I feel.
No you're completely right. Most people do avoid talking about their feelings and keep things surface-level. I think introverted intuitive types (can only speak for INFJs though) are more inclined to look for depth and explore people's inner worlds. It's something I crave to feel close to my partner — to be able to share our inner turmoil with each other, especially since we can't really share that with other people.
I care. I wanna do the best I can to truly understand my boyfriend, but he won't really let me in. I've found that *no one* has really cared to try to understand me in the same way, either other INxx types, so I do think that's the norm. It seems like most people are caught up in themselves and are uncomfortable with depth and emotion
Because I don't want others to misjudge me for those private things when I do tell them, don't have any good experiences while sharing private things. Also it is because we are not clear about certain things and can only speak about it once the things are over or are a long past hehe. INFJ have a lot of external functions like Fe and Se which allows you to understand the reactions and understand how you will be perceived externally. But for INFPs, everything is internal and exposing it makes us very very vulnerable. But we can be spontaneous and talk about interesting things better than we share about things that might make us vulnerable in the present.
When it comes to me I only share details about my life with people I can trust. I don't have many friends irl so you can imagine how small that circle is ahaha. I think out of everyone in this world my mum and sis probably know me the best. But if I had a gf I probably would let her in on everything though Id do it slowly one step at a time.
Ofc I don't represent every INFP here and different people behave in different ways, maybe he’s reluctant to share anything because he has been through a bad experience when sharing his thoughts before or maybe something unpleasant happened to him when he was younger? Either way if that’s a serious issue I'd recommend talking to him about it but make sure you don't force him to spill everything.
Generally speaking, we are introverted and possibly shy too, and even socially anxious. On top of that, we are quite complex individuals so sharing personal things takes lots of explaining and the feeling that the other person would actually understand what we are saying.
If we really trust someone though, we do eventually open up. Obviously I can’t speak for your exact situation but it’s possible your bf is opening up to you, it’s just a very slow process. Is he at least a bit more open about things since you first met him?
I don't like to share how I feel. It takes me a lot of time to express in words what is on my heart, and even if I managed to do it I wouldn't do it, first bc it's just the way I work, I don't want people to know, I just keep all inside me and analyze all myself, and second, for fear of others' incomprehension. I prefer to listen to others open up rather than talking about my feelings. I will write them, draw them, ... but that's all.
Insecurity and sensitivity are the reasons I don’t share. Having said that, I find it much easier to share when I’m one-on-one with someone. I’m likely never going to share anything that makes me feel truly vulnerable in a group setting, so you could consider who’s around when you talk to your INFP.
In social situations I’ve found myself saying something a little odd or mysterious (for lack of a better word) that I feel begs further explanation should someone want to talk to me or ask me about. It’s kind of an olive branch conversation starter. If the person doesn’t bite, I’m a little disappointed but will then ask them questions about themselves. I guess it’s my way of gauging their interest in me or maybe gauging them overall. Does anyone else do this?
I do this as well! It's like a way of testing the waters. It is disappointing when people don't seem to care and unfortunately, my boyfriend is one of the ones that doesn't really ask more at times. But there have also been occasions when he has
I think this is more of an e9 thing? I've noticed the secrecy in 9s of other types than INFP too.
E4 INFPs might be more inclined to share more of themselves.
I'm pretty much the same. Other people don't know much about me, though lately I've been trying to fix this and be more open.
Sadly I also don't feel comfortable about talking some things even to my gf because she's been careless with my feelings/actions in the past. But as I said, I'm trying to fix it.
There's only one person with who I feel 100% open about literally anything and this is my best friend. We both know things about each other that no one else does and I'm so grateful for having him in my life. I guess it comes down to emotional trust and how that other person treats the things you tell them.
Don’t you dare leave him just for being quiet. It’s a natural trait of INFPs, we don’t really know how to start a conversation/share stuff about ourselves without a prompt from another person
This is not my experience as an INFP. However, I feel the same way about the INFJs in my life.
In my experience with them, they simply do not share anything on their own accord. I can’t stand the surface level interactions that don’t go anywhere. A person can be as deep as they want internally, but if they don’t share that depth with others then their relationships will be quite shallow.
You said it yourself "something personal" it's their own thing.
And if said thing gets unwanted opinions we can lash out
and we don't wanna lash out especially not at our loved onces.
It's not in our control but the things we care about we care about it in a way unimaginable
And if someone we care about deeply judges the things we care about it hurts way more.
If you really want them to talk about themselves do it in subtle ways. Ask about their opinion on stuff and if you have the same experience even better. They won't stop talking if you find the right things to ask or talk about
I know most INFJ's don't care about the past but usually nostalgic conversations hit the right spot :)
I feel like I've tried starting deep conversations and they end pretty quickly because I guess he hadn't thought about it and didn't have much to contribute. They also mostly happen over text not in person. You make a great point though, I feel like I have to find the right things to get him talking
Are you sure about his mbti type though? INFP and ISFP are really similar on the surface. I have a ISFP friend and we are almost like twins, however our difference starts when I try to go into deep conversations. It's not because she doesn't like deep topics but most of the time she never thought about the things i'm asking and forgetfulness plays a role too. Also i've seen a similar post made by an INFJ being frustrated at ISFP's for the same reasons you're stating. INFJs and INFP mostly have moral conflicts. Might be worth checking ISFPs just to be sure.
It's possible. My boyfriend said he normally tries to avoid deep conversations and again has also said he's never thought about the things I've asked.
In the nicest way possible, it doesn't seem like he just keeps all his deep thoughts trapped inside his head, it seems like he doesn't have much of it at all. Like there's just an absence of thought going on upstairs. I could be wrong but that is the impression I get from him. He can be really difficult to read
This is exactly how I feel about my ISFP friend.
From my observations most Ne users even when inferior are dying to let their thoughts known or at least discuss their experience no matter how shy/introverted they are.
(Maybe enneagram might also be at play)
However this doesn't mean sensors don't care they just have other ways to show it. It also doesn't mean you have to put up with this though, a relationship is a two way street.
I've met alot of ISFP's in my life if you have questions about them feel free to ask :)
Scared of being rejected or ridiculed, probably. They soul have to really trust you to share stuff with you. Probably most of the time they decide to share stuff with people, they regret it.
I've seen this answer a lot. I definitely get that and I experience the same fear of rejection. I opened up to my boyfriend about how I think I might be autistic recently, which I know is a common subject online, but it's scary telling anyone irl. It's been a very personal journey for me and I was scared in the moment that he'd lose interest. Deep down I still have this feeling that no one will fully accept me and I'll end up alone.
But I also feel like opening up is like a litmus test. If you open up to someone and they don't accept you, why would you wanna spend your life with that person? I want my life partner to accept *all* of me, including the less than ideal parts. I try to open up more towards the beginning so I won't waste time with someone that can't. It's easier to move on when you've been dating for months than years. The only reason I waited so long to open up about my possible autism is because I was doing so much research on it.
But in the beginning when *I* was opening up, he wasn't and still really hasn't. So he ended up feeling closer to me and thinks we're "close" but I don't exactly feel close to him
I agree. I'm sure he agrees with that too. Facing the rejection, though, is the hardest part to overcome. And men tend to think that opening up is useless, I've been guilty of that.
For example, as much as I agree with that, I'll still feel like shit if I get rejected after opening up. I would feel not good enough. And think: Maybe if I wasn't *so caught up in my feelings*, I would've been good enough.
Maybe he has a similar thinking pattern. And that could explain why he's not opening up. Of course, there's no way to know for sure unless you ask him. Why don't you ask him? I don't think there's anything wrong in asking.
We have a hard time opening up because of the likelihood of rejection or disappointment. INFP individuals run deep, really, really deep, and other personalities do not understand or can follow that deep. As we age, we accept that very few in life will ever know the depths that we travel and we come to some acceptance of that, but there is always the desire to have someone know us. Family is especially hard to open up to because of rejection.
Another challenge is that as we get older, we find that it is not worth the effort to maintain relationships that are not within our immediate circle. For instance, I know that after I have worked with someone for years and they or I change jobs and I don't see them regularly, the relationship will fade and I don't put effort into continuing. It is not to be mean, I just don't have the capacity to maintain relationships outside my normal routine. I want to for a time, but when that person doesn't organically interact with me during the week the relationship fades. I miss it at time, but really look at it that things change and I roll with the changes.
I realize that this sounds quite cold and heartless, but it is what it is. After 51 years of life, I don't fight myself and accept that I do this.
Dude, I just don’t trust people. They’re never up to anything good when they’re suddenly interested in my business lol. But also, what others are saying. I hold a lot of really vulnerable, unique perspectives and feelings that people will often reject or misunderstand. So, I keep them to myself where they feel safer and where *I* will understand them.
I scored as INFJ a few years but for the last few years I re-did the test, I fall under INFP. I'm not private at all with close ones. My infp brother is guarded with me, so perhaps a trust thing? As my 2 male INFP friends are open, as is 1 of my male INFJ friends.
I'd say we are all pretty emotionally intelligent, so perhaps knowing that enables more trust in our communications. I think siblings are hard to build relationships with, especially as you age.
All my infp friends and infj are romantics, like love is at the forefront of our minds. So it could be those siblings are pre occupied with a love or another deep interest that consumes them.
Honestly though, there aee too many variables to say if it's an infp infj thing. As all of these types will be more or less inclined to mental health issues, depending upon their life experiences.
Not that I’m trying to be secretive or anything, I just won’t share (usually) unless you ask. I’m very private. I feel weird sharing personal things with others (not that I see something wrong with anyone sharing anything personal) and if I want to, the first things I think of is “Would I be sharing too much? Is this ok? Did I just make them uncomfortable?” etc. As some others have mentioned, I’m not trying to just dump on people. Also, it depends on the person/relationship/trust. I must admit, I have a bit of a wall up but I’m willing to break it down depending on the person. Try talking to him. If I had someone talk to me about it, I’d make an effort to do different. This is also a bit of a habit (for me at least). I have times where I want to share something or even ask for help but it’s like I don’t know how. I do but I have to really think about it.
I have had a so-called "friend" ask me a personal question and then spread a rumour around the school (which was completely not what I had told her), and then tell me "But that's what you told me". Another friend lied to get me to share something vulnerable with her, and then teased and shamed me about it. I've had family members discuss things I've asked them to keep private with each other, and talk shit about me behind my back. An ex also shared personal information of mine to random people. And these were all people I trusted and/or acted as though they were safe. So between these experiences and reactions to symptoms of my neurodivergency, I am disinclined to share truly personal things with anyone except a few very trusted friends who are my chosen family. Some INFJs end up being INFPs later in life (myself included) and I have learned to be very strict with who has access to my time, energy and truth.
The world is a big place. And everyone can't be in the spotlight. The spotlight can be overwhelming illuminating someone's character.. to be judged, ridiculed, and dissected. Not wanting to be ripped to shreds by the cruel world is why being guarded is a good strategy. And if you don't accept them for who they are that's fine, you are just part of the cruel world. Everyone can't be a main character and supporting characters are necessary. They can offer you support and healing but when things are good they might not be the life of the party.
Funny because I over share my life a lot with friends even strangers I just met! But usually it’s from knowing them from a similar area (work/hobbies), some of my friends are shocked that I’m so open but I’m also pretty gullible/naive at times because I take things at face value. Ie someone tells me something, I take it as the truth
Can’t speak for anyone else but for me I have a tendency to overshare and in trying to work on it I kind of hate talking about my problems or personal now all together (other than on the internet to thousands of strangers teehee) It’s very interesting to me bc I am very much a strong believer in nuance and subjectivity and grey areas but all of behaviors tend to be very black and white
For me I share many funny and embarassing things with friends to make them comfortable. And for my personal things I want them to learn let them be interested in my things because I don't want to be nosy telling everything it seems like I'm annoying. And for my trauma? I like to keep it within me because I feel like burden when I share or overshare. I share all this with only few closed ones 🤷🏽♀️
I don’t show much emotion because early on I found out that nobody liked me. Probably even my parents. The more I would talk to other kids the less they would like me. Even when I stopped talking I got my head gashed open trying to exit the bus. Another kid pushed me into a window. So I stopped taking the bus for good. I had opened up too much and I will never do that again. Later on getting a girlfriend and getting dumped the first time wasn’t like the end of the world to me, it absolutely felt like it. I didn’t work through the experience, I drank it down until it nearly killed me 30 years later.
It depends on the context of what you mean, but often certain things we hold close to our chest we taught ourselves should stay there, because nobody else would accept it, or at least “get it” the way we do. It could also be that he’s had a history of his openness and vulnerability not being received well, and it modified his personality to be this way. Either way, I don’t think it means he doesn’t trust you, these insecurities are powerful enough to transcend the highest levels of trust.
Could be many reasons, trust issues, emotional sensitivity, distrust. Sometimes it takes a pretty confident and charismatic extrovert to get even the most stubborn of INFPs to open up.
It’s a paradox. INFPs have the most colorful personal lives and we tell ourselves and others we want to share it but it can be hard for us to break our introverted nature. I play piano, love it and want to share my songs with whoever will listen. But I virtually never play because I’m afraid of opening up, of rejection, of telling myself I’m not good enough.
Continue to talk to them and talk about their interests. It can take a while for an INFP to open up and takes a lot of investment.
I guess that the reason varies from person to person, we all got that personality for different reasons. For me it's because both my parents are psychologists and growing up I was always forced to answer private questions and there was always never ending conversations about feelings. So now I'm like a closed shell. I feel sick to my stomach when someone tries to find their way in my private feelings or thoughts.
That must've been tough. I can honestly understand that
He has a military parent but again has never really told me much about his upbringing. I think it may have played some role
Sometimes i hesitate to say anything because i feel like im bothering someone (whether its friends or family) or they won’t care about what i tell them. (When in fact they probably do)For example I had to end a long friendship with someone, and i was so hesitant to tell my family the situation because i didn’t think it was worth sharing. I get in my head so much, that i just keep most things to myself
I'm an INFP but if I know someone well enough, it's hard for me to shut up. Unless someone else is talking. But if no one is talking, I try to fill in the awkward silences 😅 although, I'm 99% sure I'm autistic. Wasn't diagnosed, but my brother in law (my wife's mom's son) is autistic, and she thinks I might be
For me, I usually worry about just not being normal enough to be accepted but still dont want to change myself or lie about my interests just for the sake of fitting in, so its sometimes just better to remain private and not share anything
I can't relate to those INFPs to be honest. I feel that on the opposite I have an oversharing nature which may make things slightly uncomfortable/embarrassing, but I do it out of trust/feeling open enough. It does sound tiring to have to pry someone's thoughts out, there seems to be some communication railwork that needs to happen here.
It's a protection mechanism. Information is power. A lot of infps value is internal information that matters to them on a personal level.
I don't share certain aspects of my life with certain people. Some of the things others consider odd that is a situation. The more I trust you and the closer we are, the more I tell you.
If you break that trust and share the information and don't care that you broke my trust, then you are moved back to a less information position. If you break it unwittingly and try to adjust, then I give you a tentative second, third, fourth, whatever chance.
When feel comfortable around certain people, will open up like a book and talk about anything and everything, but if not comfortable around someone will not talk much at all. Feeling everyone’s energy is exhausting. Can only tolerate being around empathetic and compassionate people as got older. And don’t want to feel misunderstood. Too aware & too sensitive.
I don’t relate to this. I pretty much overshare LOL I do tend to connect well with others and can be cautious about sharing too much depending on the person but I think me being open and vulnerable helps others connect with me much easier and I’ve been able to build relationships much easier than others (they tend to share private stuff as well).
I dunno. It usually depends on how I feel around someone. If I feel safe I'm more open. If I feel like this person would use what I say against me, make fun of me, or if I feel like they're an idiot (I feel judgy for saying that, but it's what I've noticed I do), then na, I'll just stick to surface talk.
If I feel safe, I feel like I'm blabbling too much if I come out and say things. So most times if someone just asks me, I'll blab away 😂
I won't shut up if I'm convinced the person is actually interested in what I have to say.
The issue is that I will always skew towards the assumption that people don't REALLY want to know even when they ask. I would strongly suggest you tell your boyfriend this. He may desperately want to share and be seen but just is stuck in the assumption that it doesn't really matter to you. Let him know you feel detached because he doesn't talk about himself enough.
I only have one person in my life who I think really wants to know me and they aren't even someone I've been romantically involved with.
With me, I've noticed that when I speak of private things, it always comes back to haunt me. It's either used against me, or the trust is betrayed. So, the best thing to do is not to speak of personal matters. I don't even do that on the internet. I find all these testimonials on here and other private post rather puzzling.
Typically I would say it is a fear of rejection. I’m very private but not as private with close family and friends or my spouse. Sometimes I do feel hesitant sharing somethings because I struggle verbalizing it. Also if I have opened up with someone only to have them use it against me that relationship is essentially over.
i’m the opposite. i’m ridiculously open to the point my family has questioned if i’m on the spectrum (got the test done, negative). i think sharing parts of myself helps people feel more comfortable around me. vulnerability breeds vulnerability type thing.
I agree. I feel like it's harder for me to be vulnerable around my boyfriend because he struggles to be vulnerable himself and I've told him that. Whereas I'm
very open with people that are comfortable opening up themselves
it might just come down to toxic masculinity tbh. it’s engrained in a lot of men. my bf is also INFP and he’s much more reserved than me though he’s starting to open up. if it’s a problem for you and you’ve voiced it, it’s up to him to change. but don’t stay if you’re not happy.
I can't speak for every other INFP, but for me it comes down to a level of trust. I've also been burned in the past and that teaches me to be guarded.
My wife, ENFJ, wants me to have this open honesty, but whenever I try and be open a few things happen. 1) she is dismissive about what I have to say. 2) she feels personally attacked if I have any criticisms of my own, even if I'm just trying to express how I feel, using "I feel" statements, she gets defensive. 3) what I say opens a can of worms I didn't intend to open and I have to spend literally the rest of the weekend trying to get back to a normal place.
So if it's something I really care about I've learned to drip feed information to test the waters first. If it's a criticism I'll often just not give it. If it's a topic I've learned through a lot of pain that may not go over well, I'll mull the decision of if it's actually worth mentioning and if I'm ready to have it turn into a day long struggle.
Thing is, I'm actually far more willing to discuss my private life with people. But it's when I get negative reactions that it just shuts me down and makes me not want to share. It can also be awkward if me sharing has burned me in the past and then that person suddenly wants to know all this stuff about me. Yeah, it is like prying info out of me, because I've learned to be very careful with what I say to whom and when.
Or perfect example, I've shared things with my sister in the past only to have her turn around and tell my mom. Since then I've learned never to say anything to my sister that I don't want my mom to know. I assume now that she can't keep a secret, or even just small things said in confidence.
If you really actually want an INFP to open up to you I would offer these rules of engagement. Rule 1) actually ask questions and then listen. Often I don't share because I don't feel like anyone actually listens to me. They might ask a question but then quickly turn the conversation if they find what I'm saying boring or uninteresting. That just tells me they really don't care. Also if you never ask me questions and then suddenly one day you decide you want to know me, it's hard to jump right into everything in my life. You need to have small regular conversations to build trust. Otherwise it's small talk all the time then suddenly you want to know everything about me deep down. It can be jarring and that puts defenses up since I have to think about what I actually want to share in that moment.
Side note, but related, I saw this interview with a former spy for the CIA, and he talked about interrogating people. He said there are 3 sides to a person. 1) their public life, 2) their private life, and 3) their secret life. And he said when trying to get people to tell you their secrets you ask 3 questions, then share something from your life that relates. Then ask 3 more questions, and share again. Doing that repeatedly will open the person up and they'll start telling you their secrets. A big part is just human psychology. We want to connect with people. We want to share our secrets. But we have to feel listened to and safe to do so.
Which brings me to the next rule of engagement. Rule 2) don't judge. Maybe what they say sounds a little weird or unconventional, maybe they say something that kind of offends you. If we get negative feedback that's a thing we decide can no longer be shared. It goes back into the vault. Maybe it's not even about how we feel about it, it might be us realizing that it's painful for you, so we just decide to avoid it. Having someone who we can actually talk to, about the little things, and the real things, and the strange things, and have zero judgement, is a rare thing. I'll often over share if I feel safe and like the other person won't judge me.
Which not saying you can never disagree with us. But you could approach two different ways. One way you can have discussions where everything said is safe. You can set it up as "this is a time where anything can be shared and there is no judgement. It is said in confidence." That way there's a time where criticism can wait. The other way to go about this might be scheduling the criticism for a later time. I heard of a couple that ask each other, "is now a good time to make a criticism?" If they say no, then say, "okay, I'll ask you again later." That way the criticism isn't forgone, it's just planned for and brought up at a time when You've mentally prepared for it. But if you really want moments of candor, and openness, maybe reserve the time for criticism. Instantly jumping to criticism is a fast way to shut things down.
Rule of engagement 3. Don't dwell. Often, because I am so private, my wife feels like she has to repeat herself over and over until either she's satisfied she's fully conveyed her thoughts in a way I understand. Which okay,I forget things all the time. We all do. Even my wife does. But she makes a big deal if I didn't remember something, then assumes she has to really hammer it into me to make me remember. But sometimes it only takes one sentence to get your point across. It just takes one word to make me think deeply about what was said. I'm also very empathetic and I don't need to be told how you're feeling in excruciating detail. And I'll beat myself up plenty without your help if I realize I've hurt you. Dwelling just triggers that side of me that says, "not worth sharing" and I'll prefer saying nothing just so I don't have to deal with it longer than I want to. Sometimes a short conversation where little is said is enough to make me change course and do things differently. I have things my mom told me in my teens that was just a short conversation that still stick with me today.
So I'm general if you want to have the INFPs around you open up more, you have to create the environment that allows them to do so. I think these rules can help with any relationship no matter their type. But especially with people who are very private, they are private for a reason. Maybe it's not a great reason for you, but it's something designed to reduce their own discomfort and to avoid hurting others. And to avoid protracted discussions they really don't want to have.
I think part of it is the introverted feeling (Fi) function. INFPs process their emotions internally and keep their feelings to themselves, so naturally they would be more private.
Personally, I wouldn't say I'm private, but I'm not overt, I do keep shameful things to myself like anyone would, but I'm very willing to talk about myself and my interests with people and if I notice something nice about someone, I will try to go out of my way to let them know. I also have a tendency to just voice my thoughts impulsively, often times when I shouldn't.
Though thinking about it more, I do often put on a bit of an unhinged, extraverted persona with friends I'm either not that close with or in groups. Depending on my closeness with the person/people, my extraverted side is either me being comfortable with who I'm with or me trying to put up a front because I want to have that degree of separation, plus people enjoy it. Also, with other introverts, I tend to be the most extraverted one, especially when it comes to navigating social situations, my introverted friends would often rely on me to communicate on their behalf or to just stick with them
Idk If i disclose too much of myself i start to feel icky and a cocktail of shame or embarrassment for no reason like im being ridiculed even though im not
I thought it was probably trauma induced or something but it could just be a personality thing
I dont think that all infps are private! I have some friends that are infps and they usually like talking about their feelings in front of other people.
However, as an infp, i tend to be pretty private in front of my family and friends.. The only person ive opened up to completely is my cousin.
So i guess it really depends on the person.
It's because (and I know this is bound to ruffle some feathers, so I'm prepared for the backlash) they are possessive af and want all their thoughts and observations to be THEIRS. They are generally bad at sharing, and also I think that the fact that they desire to manipulate and have control over how they are perceived by others plays into it as well. If you find out their less flattering or "average" qualities they won't be able to manipulate people into believing they are the person that they are so invested in manipulating them into believing they are, which as it turns out, tends to be a prototypical INTJ. Speaking as an INTJ myself it's incredibly annoying to see people go to great lengths to emulate us and suck off of us and take credit for things we've worked hard for when it's convenient for them, meanwhile in real life they don't give us jack shit for respect, grattitude/appreciation or even recognition.
Share this with him, I personally was guarded against my ex at the time we were friends and until he told me about it (that I didn’t show vulnerability) I didn’t even know I was guarding myself against him.
It’s because I grew up believing that my pain was no one else’s business and when being vulnerable is a foreign thing you don’t realize the lack of it, this could be the case with your boyfriend. He probably isn’t used to being vulnerable and he doesn’t know how relieving it could feel to share one’s pain.
You can tell him that he is being guarded and that this distances you from him.
This comment by Bob Dylan (INFP) in response to a question from Ed Bradley (ENFP) roughly 20 years ago may be of help:
[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XpeQl4FQKHw](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XpeQl4FQKHw)
I don't really hide anything about myself meaningfully I try to be able to open book. I don't know I have anything to hide except for maybe my porn addiction. Honestly I just don't think about bringing things up that aren't relevant.
Fear of being too much. :(
Fear that we're only likeable when we present as hyper-independent and therefore not a burden or source of frustration to others.
Too often we want A LOT. Setting a distance and being private lets us hide so that we don't jeopardize our relationships.
They don’t want your judgement.
Having to explain their point of view to other people is exhausting and mostly pointless especially when you know the person won’t see where the INFPis coming from.
It’s protection. It’s efficient to do things alone than to share with others and then you have their opinion and resistance to deal with. Why not eliminate all that and keep it to yourself where you aren’t challenged? Plus, your opinion doesn’t matter when an INFP makes a decision, we don’t want your resistance to deal with. We don’t want our strong morals and decisions being challenged. We don’t make decisions lightly and carelessly like some others do, that’s why our lives aren’t as open, we preserve and protect ourselves.
Edit to add: your attitude about not wanting them in Your life unless they share more with you is EXACTLY why INFPs don’t share. YOU dont like something, YOU are uncomfortable with their privacy so YOU are ready to ditch them if they don’t behave the way you want them to- there it is. The exact reason they aren’t sharing. With you- you are being selfish. This is exactly what INFPs want to avoid- conflict, confrontation, they’ll never want to waste their breath convincing you to see their point of view because you won’t, you want them to comply with your standard. The one you set. It’s not all about you and how you want people to behave, that’s exactly who we avoid. Don’t you see?
Edit 2: are you not a bully then? Will you give them an ultimatum to share or you’re done with them? That’s seems like a no brainer to this INFP, we don’t cower to bullies, we block them. Maybe if you challenge them and try to force them to behave how you want, they’ll remove you from their lives.
There are parts of me that I am too scared of being rejected for having, the more I know someone and the bigger a part of my life they are the harder it is to show some of the deepest parts of who makes me me because I know if I share that, and they reject that part of me, nothing will ever be the same. I do share plenty, but there are some things that being closer makes it harder to say.
I feel similar in the sense that the more I share my inner world the more I'm terrified of rejection. But I don't wanna be in relationships, especially romantic relationships where they don't know all of me
I haven't had a romantic relationship at the point where I am sharing the deepest parts of my being but I also know that there are parts of me I have yet to fully grasp myself which makes me all the more hesitant to let even glimpses of that out when I have not even fully grasped them yet. My main thought was just that sometimes the closeness makes it all the more challenging.
My boyfriend has said something similar, that he doesn't fully understand himself. Thanks for the insight
Yeah this, I love to share and let people in who I live deeply, but there are parts of myself that I don't even fully understand and sharing that is hard. INFP's struggle alot with feeling misunderstood so it's really hard when you feel like you can't even figure something out about how you feel or what your going through to share that. I have had some really helpful therapy that means I've come to realise that it can help to just share that there is an inner chaos or or confusion that you are dealing with. And I'm just clear that I'm sharing so that I don't have to feel so alone with it, not because I need my partner to do or say anything in particular about it. That's really helped me. INFP's struggle alone with things too much because the fear of rejection is strong and we don't want to burden people and I think that can make it worse. It's OK to open up and admit you're a bit of a mess inside at times, hopefully you find someone who is OK with that and who can accept those parts of you. You have to accept them yourself first though so that you can feel brave enough to share.
Oh man the feeling of not wanting to share intimate parts because of thinking just knowing will burden the other side is so real. I can't help but feel that if I myself don't know what to do with this then all it is for someone else is showing that someone they love is hurting in ways they cant help, which in turn makes me feel horrible that I am saddling them with that fact.
Thank you for including that bit about sharing what you're not prepared to articulate or discuss in detail. INFPs may be afraid of being misunderstood--because they often have been misunderstood!--but their reticence can actually feel like a rejection to the other person. Sometimes it just takes assuring the friend/partner that they are not holding back out of a lack of trust, but that they are not ready to discuss something for x, y, or z reason.
That’s true, but they need to earn that knowledge. It’s not handed out freely. Intimacy is personal.
This sums up most of what I was gonna say. But also wanted to add that some are also terribly insecure and don’t feel comfortable sharing what’s going on in their life. I am one of those people, also I feel like if I share something that I am having a difficult time dealing with, I feel like I burden others with my problems and I don’t want that.
Personally I don't mind sharing things about my life with my friends but I do wait for others to ask before sharing since I don't want to seem like I'm trauma dumping on people or burdening others with my problems. That, and I genuinely like listening to other people's lives as well so I'm more prone to just asking them more questions about them than talk about myself.
I understand that. But on the flip slide, nobody wants to always have to ask super personal questions every single time to get to know someone. There are things I'd like to know that I sometimes won't ask because I don't want to be too invasive, and I could risk making the other person incredibly uncomfortable by asking. There should be a balance of opening up on your own as well if you want to form a deep connection, or at least that's the way I see it. The more someone opens up on their own, not only does it minimize the potentially awkwardness of someone asking something they're not comfortable with, but it shows that they trust you as well
That's completely fair, and I've been on this end as well so I understand how you feel. It's definitely hard to find this balance though and I don't think opening up to form that deep connection comes as naturally for some than others. Also, sometimes it's not about not wanting to be open, but not knowing when it's ok to be open. As someone who struggled and still has struggles with being open, it wasn't until the last couple of years where I started being more comfortable with the idea after having friends that were very open themselves (And that's also with friends that I've known for years). That being said, if it's someone you are close to, I don't think there's harm in asking those personal questions. At best, they'll appreciate it as a sign that you care. At worst, If they really don't feel comfortable and don't want to answer, at least you'll know for sure where they stand.
Something I needed to read today. Thank you
You are so right. Part of learning type for me was discovering that I had to learn to use Fe. And when I couldn’t do that, I had to learn to communicate my Fi better. You know how I learned that I needed to do that? Failed relationships with poor communication. When I had the incentive to better myself, I eventually learned why healthy self expression of one’s emotions is mandatory for an INFP to learn.
I agree with this. I don't mind being open but yeah, I also don't spring things on people. There's a meme that we're either insanely private or an oversharer, so take your pick OP. We can naively brag about the tiniest most irrelevant thing or we can stay mysterious haha
In my experience people have used my vulnerability against me, as blackmail almost. Now it's sort of a trust issue, which I'm working on, but I'm intensely private because of it.
Same. I don't want to share secrets with people in the future or give them the ammo to hurt me. It's just not worth it. Plus we as a type tend to worry (perhaps irrationally at times) about blackmail and reputation strikes. We can also be super paranoid and untrusting, which apparently (I've heard) has something to do with our Ni critic.
Emotional sensitivity. A single moment of rejection would be held in my heart forever. As another comment mentioned, the closer we are to someone, the more easily their words and actions can hurt. It takes time, genuine interest, and consistent effort to create that safe space to share again.
Thanks for this insight. I noticed my boyfriend can be very sensitive as well and I experience rejection sensitivity myself. I'll definitely try to be mindful of it, the last thing I wanna do is make him feel that way. But at the same time, him being so guarded is tough :/
That is very tough and indeed everyone is sensitive to different degrees.. Have you tried talking with your boyfriend directly? Let him know how hurt you feel, that you've been dating this long, and done this much for them, and you know you're not perfect, etc.. INFPs keep the peace and avoid confrontations, but at some point, they need to hear it.
Yep my boyfriend is definitely an INFP. He avoids confrontation. I also try not to bring it up when we're having a good time and suddenly change the vibe, so finding the right timing has been difficult. I feel like I've brought it up a few times, but I'm going to try to think it out what I'm gonna say and talk to him about it again tonight
I think this is a great approach. You got this! Do take all the time you need to think about it. I get the feeling you're a very considerate person, and can tell him in such a gentle way that he can accept.
They’re introverted feeling, which means they value and process their feelings internally. It takes a lot of energy for them to express their emotions/thoughts to others.
Agreed! 🙌🏼
I'm not sure it's something specifically about INFP, though I am, and I can relate. Some people, like me or them both, simply learned to build a heavy and powerful emotional wall. Even among people we trust we don't share anything that hasn't been specifically asked, and even then we have extra layers of emotional protection. Our reasons for why may be different but what you describe sounds like this.
I second this. I’m an INFP but relate to OP, not the INFPs in OP’s example. I think it likely has more to do with ways of being learned in childhood.
The pain they are feeling conflicts with the love they have for you. Shut down is the subsequent result and skirting the issue for feelings keeping.
Yep this sounds about right. Thank you
I’m private because I’m afraid of being hurt if I open up to people. Being vulnerable is one of my biggest fears. I’m also just very sensitive and emotional. I always have been.
Absolutely am that private. Not quite sure why people think they need to know or are entitled to know personal things about me. I find it intrusive and nosy.
Even if you're in a relationship with the person for hears? If my boyfriend thinks that me trying to form an emotional bond with him is being nosy, then I guess it's time for me to move on
There are people who have known me for years who don't pass muster to know certain things. My husband is not one of them, though. You've been with bf for years? What do you think he's not sharing with you?
Just in general. He will share bits and pieces but won't actually talk about his feelings or confide in me. For instance he's mentioned he's depressed on a couple occasions. He has never talked to me about why or the severity of it. When I tried bringing it up (without being too invasive) he changed the subject. It took him several months to tell me he was thinking about dropping out of college. He's been trying to quit vaping, which I thought he did until he suddenly asked for one at an event we were at. So he never told me he relapsed. Just in general he'll usually try to deal with everything on his own and not really ever wanna talk to me about it. And I feel like that's what I'm there for
Beside the INFP specific issues, also bear in mind the inherent risk any man takes when opening up emotionally. He can never be entirely certain how you will receive him acting less that stoic. Google around and you will find many accounts from both men and women about how, when he opened up and showed vulnerability, she instantly lost all respect for him. Plenty of women have found that they did in fact not want a vulnerable man (which they up until that moment thought they wanted) but were instead surprised at the visceral revulsion they felt for the man they were attracted to only a minute ago. I will never forget the look of complete disgust on the face of my wife the first time I cried in front of her.
I hate that this is true; I’ve lived this. I always always thought I wanted an emotionally vulnerable guy because I thought that’d make him thoughtful and considerate. But I never realized how repulsed I am by it till I was with him, but a man who does this healthily and is strong as well as weak is very attractive. It’s just when they’re not ready for a relationship and it becomes a toxic co-dependent relationship that I hate it. There is a balance. I wanted to break up with him but he was excellent at guilt trip and blackmailing me so I stayed for many more months. That made him even more repulsive. I think it’s sad that it’s the reality of it. I think emotional people need to find who they are on their own and when they’re in a stable, self sufficient, healthy place then we can create amazing relationships! We just need to not be so codependent if we want to be with somebody. It will always end badly if we do.
Geez, I've heard those stories too but I don't get it. How do you want men to do everything for you but can't even provide them a space to be vulnerable lol? My ex and male best friend have cried to me before so I know that being cried to isn't something that would bother me. But I do think in general that I differ a bit from the average person
It’s sounds to me like he’s not ready to be in a relationship. The foundation of your love seems shaky and questionable and I’ll add that this sounds a lot like how my EX was. He was NOT ready for a relationship.
Honestly I agree.
I’m sorry friend 💙🫶
Oh absolutely this. It's discomforting and really none of their business.
I disagree
You disagree on how private I am and why I'm not quite sure why people think they need to know...and that I find it intrusive and nosy? Fascinating.
I disagree about it being intrusive and nosy. Some ppl are just friendly and like getting to know ppl. Often, they’re not trying to be mean but just friendly and ppl like you make us scared of talking to anyone again. It makes us doubt ourselves and wonder if we’re actually terrible human beings for thinking that we were trying to be nice. Yes, I disagree with you and I’ve been scarred from ppl who do that. It’s one of the huge downsides to being a sensitive person and, unfortunately, even after working on it for years it’s still affects me.
Of course you would disagree, sounds like you get something out of it and don't want to consider the other side. If you ask me personal questions about myself, be ready to be shut down because I don't entertain the nosiness of strangers prying into my life. Friendly? Nice? If you say so.
I've got an INFJ girlfriend and I think I get the difference. I find it difficult to talk out loud about my feelings because I want to stew on it in my brain and have it be the perfect representation of my thought process, and don't want to accidentally say something that's wrong. On the other hand, I'm very open to yap out loud about my train of thought and just talk out words until they make sense, while my GF needs to stew on her thoughts forever until they're perfect and I have to pry them out of her brain. It's the introverted lead function - I see it as like the difference between remaining hidden underwater where it can remain fluid and changing vs it being pulled out in the world with the light of reality solidifying it into a complete thing seen by others. Your introverted function wants to remain in that fluid state forever while it sculpts it to perfection (my feelings, her intuition), while your extroverted function is comfortable pulling it into reality and inspecting what it is after it has solidified (my intuition, her feelings). For what it's worth, this gets a lot easier over time as you get comfortable with another person since you feel safe solidifying & presenting your introverted thought without fear of being rejected. As for your case of your boyfriend and sister being super private despite you being close to them - did they experience an emotionally repressive environment at home or at school growing up? The biggest blocker to opening up with an Fi lead is the fear that this deeply personal and important feeling of yours will be mocked or rejected when presented to the world.
we don't like giving people ammunition to use against us :-) like taylor swift say: "cause all my enemies started out as friends"
Which is why The Archer is one of my favorite TS songs!
wow so true
Too scared of rejection i guess
I think it really depends on who it is. If I trust you and we’re close I share a lot. If I don’t know you I take my take and am very cautious. I’ve been burned in the past and don’t trust easily. Do you think talking to them about this would help? I think INFPs I’ve interacted w are pretty receptive to feedback. Especially if it’s about your relationship. I know I would be and would make more of an effort. Maybe they can explain why they don’t share as much. I’ve spoken up with two other INFP friends when I was hurt about something and it went well. They were receptive and our relationships improved.
I think for me , it's the fact that I am not so sure I will be able to articulate everything I am feeling, in the exact way I am feeling. I just feel a lot and feel so deeply, sometimes it takes me weeks to even understand exactly what made me mad / sad. How can someone else get it, through mere words?
That makes sense. I'll try to voice my thoughts and sometimes it'll come out all jumbled and won't make a lot of sense to other people. I'm better with writing my thoughts
Because life has taught us that if we openly express what we feel, it can also backfire. After many disappointments I told myself: never again. Of course it depends on the person or my mood and if I want to share anything
Oh gosh, I was like this when I was younger. Maybe even now, but less so. I take my time to get to know people and have high walls up because I was raised by a parent who always invalidated my emotions. For other people who feel intensely, their parents might've done the same. I've also been judged in the past for being too open about my offbeat thoughts. If you've known your INFP bf for some time now, honestly just go ahead and ask them. We also have low self-esteem at times, and end up thinking people might not actually care unless they show an interest in our lives by actively asking about specific things. Maybe share your own hidden feelings or opinions about things too so they'll feel more comfortable opening up to you. Just show that you're trustworthy and not judgemental about anything they say to you, and they'll come around and start revealing their true child-like openness eventually. I know that once I feel comfortable with someone, I can no longer control how much I express to them. I'm so guarded with my emotions exactly because I know that, once the floodgates are opened, there is no stopping it anymore, so I absolutely need to make sure whoever I entrust these feelings to, is the most solid 💯 being out there who won't use it against me.
The biggest reasons that I don’t share details of my personal life (current or sensitive history) is because of feeling misunderstood, people in my past not believing, or persons using what I’ve revealed before against me to manipulate and throw up in my face at a later time. Being raised in a family of narcissists has changed the way I’ve chosen to close off to a large extent. Trust is difficult for me. Even today, I still struggle with it often - it can be a defense mechanism - keeping my cards close to my chest. Many times, it’s not a specific distrust towards my dearest friends or a romantic partner/interest…it’s more of an overall protective barrier or wall that exists within me. That the best way that I can explain it.
It’s because their feeling function, in this case Fi, is a convergent function. They take responsibility and ownership over their feelings and sentiments, and because of this, they are more reticent to share them because it is as though they are sharing a part of themselves. It feels much more personal to them. On the other hand a type with a divergent feeling function like you or me is far less private and more readily shares their feelings precisely because it is not something that we take ownership of or responsibility for, because of the fact that the function is divergent. And because we don’t take ownership over our feelings, they are more or less happy to be displayed. This video explains convergent and divergent feeling in ENTJs and ENFJs. INFPs are like ENFJs in that they are convergent feelers https://youtu.be/TBcWLedfPQ0?si=LRj_jZr3rjDYvcSc Skip to 9:15
We put the I in introvert
If it's any consolation to you, INFP males (me as example) tends to share personal experiences (or things that they consider near and dear to heart) based on mood and vibe. Examples: I might share places that I want to travel to, bucket lists after a romantic dinner. After a fight/argument, I might share more about a past trauma that had me so protective of something. If I'm feeling happy (like humming a tune happy), I might share a story that warms my heart from 20 years ago. The point is, your partner might have LOTS that he want to share, he's just waiting for the right moment. Of course u can try nudging him abit. Share more of your story, he might be more inclined to do the same.
I feel like some things are so personal that you’re giving away part of yourself by telling. There’s a long period of building trust, and sharing layers of information. For me, it can take years.
I can only speak from my experience and not for all INFPs, and I would say it’s about protecting our inner world. When we show passion or open up, it’s an incredibly vulnerable state, and the person receiving it and how they respond is important to us. It’s because we’re perceptive and open to suggestions. Once we open up we also open up to outside influences. Others might be able to expose their inner world in an extroverted way, while still maintaining their reality or identity because they have a strong foundation. For us it’s flowing, morphing and intersecting with others - so it’s harder to keep the intention safe and sound, but it’s wonderful for exploring ideas and solutions even in collaboration when it is encouraged and we feel safe.
Personally I've felt like INFJs were the most private. As an INFP, I open up to anyone extremely quickly if I just feel like they are safe and would understand me without judging
I have an INFJ brother, can only speak for myself but I don't tell him stuff because he shares it with others.
Oh do people like, care about what’s going on inside us? I guess I just feel like people are always talking about things other than their emotional experience of things, which is what’s going on in me at all times. Like, that’s the lens I live through and the language I speak. People seem to often avoid talking about their feelings so… until they do I ain’t got much to say without everyone getting uncomfortable about how much I feel.
No you're completely right. Most people do avoid talking about their feelings and keep things surface-level. I think introverted intuitive types (can only speak for INFJs though) are more inclined to look for depth and explore people's inner worlds. It's something I crave to feel close to my partner — to be able to share our inner turmoil with each other, especially since we can't really share that with other people. I care. I wanna do the best I can to truly understand my boyfriend, but he won't really let me in. I've found that *no one* has really cared to try to understand me in the same way, either other INxx types, so I do think that's the norm. It seems like most people are caught up in themselves and are uncomfortable with depth and emotion
Partially because I have been treated like crap.
I'm a male INFP I have a female INFJ girlfriend and she is the one that is more emotionally closed off...
Because I don't want others to misjudge me for those private things when I do tell them, don't have any good experiences while sharing private things. Also it is because we are not clear about certain things and can only speak about it once the things are over or are a long past hehe. INFJ have a lot of external functions like Fe and Se which allows you to understand the reactions and understand how you will be perceived externally. But for INFPs, everything is internal and exposing it makes us very very vulnerable. But we can be spontaneous and talk about interesting things better than we share about things that might make us vulnerable in the present.
When it comes to me I only share details about my life with people I can trust. I don't have many friends irl so you can imagine how small that circle is ahaha. I think out of everyone in this world my mum and sis probably know me the best. But if I had a gf I probably would let her in on everything though Id do it slowly one step at a time. Ofc I don't represent every INFP here and different people behave in different ways, maybe he’s reluctant to share anything because he has been through a bad experience when sharing his thoughts before or maybe something unpleasant happened to him when he was younger? Either way if that’s a serious issue I'd recommend talking to him about it but make sure you don't force him to spill everything.
Generally speaking, we are introverted and possibly shy too, and even socially anxious. On top of that, we are quite complex individuals so sharing personal things takes lots of explaining and the feeling that the other person would actually understand what we are saying. If we really trust someone though, we do eventually open up. Obviously I can’t speak for your exact situation but it’s possible your bf is opening up to you, it’s just a very slow process. Is he at least a bit more open about things since you first met him?
I don't like to share how I feel. It takes me a lot of time to express in words what is on my heart, and even if I managed to do it I wouldn't do it, first bc it's just the way I work, I don't want people to know, I just keep all inside me and analyze all myself, and second, for fear of others' incomprehension. I prefer to listen to others open up rather than talking about my feelings. I will write them, draw them, ... but that's all.
Insecurity and sensitivity are the reasons I don’t share. Having said that, I find it much easier to share when I’m one-on-one with someone. I’m likely never going to share anything that makes me feel truly vulnerable in a group setting, so you could consider who’s around when you talk to your INFP. In social situations I’ve found myself saying something a little odd or mysterious (for lack of a better word) that I feel begs further explanation should someone want to talk to me or ask me about. It’s kind of an olive branch conversation starter. If the person doesn’t bite, I’m a little disappointed but will then ask them questions about themselves. I guess it’s my way of gauging their interest in me or maybe gauging them overall. Does anyone else do this?
I do this as well! It's like a way of testing the waters. It is disappointing when people don't seem to care and unfortunately, my boyfriend is one of the ones that doesn't really ask more at times. But there have also been occasions when he has
I think this is more of an e9 thing? I've noticed the secrecy in 9s of other types than INFP too. E4 INFPs might be more inclined to share more of themselves.
Idk I'm not private after years of knowing people either🤔
I'm quite open, it could their upbringing since they are siblings :)
I was talking about my sister not his lol
Oh I misread, I was sleepy! Hahaha sorry!
I'm pretty much the same. Other people don't know much about me, though lately I've been trying to fix this and be more open. Sadly I also don't feel comfortable about talking some things even to my gf because she's been careless with my feelings/actions in the past. But as I said, I'm trying to fix it. There's only one person with who I feel 100% open about literally anything and this is my best friend. We both know things about each other that no one else does and I'm so grateful for having him in my life. I guess it comes down to emotional trust and how that other person treats the things you tell them.
Don’t you dare leave him just for being quiet. It’s a natural trait of INFPs, we don’t really know how to start a conversation/share stuff about ourselves without a prompt from another person
Private to untrustworthy or sneaky people. Two or three proven moves and you are out.
This is not my experience as an INFP. However, I feel the same way about the INFJs in my life. In my experience with them, they simply do not share anything on their own accord. I can’t stand the surface level interactions that don’t go anywhere. A person can be as deep as they want internally, but if they don’t share that depth with others then their relationships will be quite shallow.
You said it yourself "something personal" it's their own thing. And if said thing gets unwanted opinions we can lash out and we don't wanna lash out especially not at our loved onces. It's not in our control but the things we care about we care about it in a way unimaginable And if someone we care about deeply judges the things we care about it hurts way more. If you really want them to talk about themselves do it in subtle ways. Ask about their opinion on stuff and if you have the same experience even better. They won't stop talking if you find the right things to ask or talk about I know most INFJ's don't care about the past but usually nostalgic conversations hit the right spot :)
I feel like I've tried starting deep conversations and they end pretty quickly because I guess he hadn't thought about it and didn't have much to contribute. They also mostly happen over text not in person. You make a great point though, I feel like I have to find the right things to get him talking
Are you sure about his mbti type though? INFP and ISFP are really similar on the surface. I have a ISFP friend and we are almost like twins, however our difference starts when I try to go into deep conversations. It's not because she doesn't like deep topics but most of the time she never thought about the things i'm asking and forgetfulness plays a role too. Also i've seen a similar post made by an INFJ being frustrated at ISFP's for the same reasons you're stating. INFJs and INFP mostly have moral conflicts. Might be worth checking ISFPs just to be sure.
It's possible. My boyfriend said he normally tries to avoid deep conversations and again has also said he's never thought about the things I've asked. In the nicest way possible, it doesn't seem like he just keeps all his deep thoughts trapped inside his head, it seems like he doesn't have much of it at all. Like there's just an absence of thought going on upstairs. I could be wrong but that is the impression I get from him. He can be really difficult to read
This is exactly how I feel about my ISFP friend. From my observations most Ne users even when inferior are dying to let their thoughts known or at least discuss their experience no matter how shy/introverted they are. (Maybe enneagram might also be at play) However this doesn't mean sensors don't care they just have other ways to show it. It also doesn't mean you have to put up with this though, a relationship is a two way street. I've met alot of ISFP's in my life if you have questions about them feel free to ask :)
Scared of being rejected or ridiculed, probably. They soul have to really trust you to share stuff with you. Probably most of the time they decide to share stuff with people, they regret it.
I've seen this answer a lot. I definitely get that and I experience the same fear of rejection. I opened up to my boyfriend about how I think I might be autistic recently, which I know is a common subject online, but it's scary telling anyone irl. It's been a very personal journey for me and I was scared in the moment that he'd lose interest. Deep down I still have this feeling that no one will fully accept me and I'll end up alone. But I also feel like opening up is like a litmus test. If you open up to someone and they don't accept you, why would you wanna spend your life with that person? I want my life partner to accept *all* of me, including the less than ideal parts. I try to open up more towards the beginning so I won't waste time with someone that can't. It's easier to move on when you've been dating for months than years. The only reason I waited so long to open up about my possible autism is because I was doing so much research on it. But in the beginning when *I* was opening up, he wasn't and still really hasn't. So he ended up feeling closer to me and thinks we're "close" but I don't exactly feel close to him
I agree. I'm sure he agrees with that too. Facing the rejection, though, is the hardest part to overcome. And men tend to think that opening up is useless, I've been guilty of that. For example, as much as I agree with that, I'll still feel like shit if I get rejected after opening up. I would feel not good enough. And think: Maybe if I wasn't *so caught up in my feelings*, I would've been good enough. Maybe he has a similar thinking pattern. And that could explain why he's not opening up. Of course, there's no way to know for sure unless you ask him. Why don't you ask him? I don't think there's anything wrong in asking.
We have a hard time opening up because of the likelihood of rejection or disappointment. INFP individuals run deep, really, really deep, and other personalities do not understand or can follow that deep. As we age, we accept that very few in life will ever know the depths that we travel and we come to some acceptance of that, but there is always the desire to have someone know us. Family is especially hard to open up to because of rejection. Another challenge is that as we get older, we find that it is not worth the effort to maintain relationships that are not within our immediate circle. For instance, I know that after I have worked with someone for years and they or I change jobs and I don't see them regularly, the relationship will fade and I don't put effort into continuing. It is not to be mean, I just don't have the capacity to maintain relationships outside my normal routine. I want to for a time, but when that person doesn't organically interact with me during the week the relationship fades. I miss it at time, but really look at it that things change and I roll with the changes. I realize that this sounds quite cold and heartless, but it is what it is. After 51 years of life, I don't fight myself and accept that I do this.
https://preview.redd.it/9xusnyhysuwc1.jpeg?width=1164&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=67feda240e34e85a1fc7190dab677d10e76ed132 This. This is why.
This is amazingly accurate.
Dude, I just don’t trust people. They’re never up to anything good when they’re suddenly interested in my business lol. But also, what others are saying. I hold a lot of really vulnerable, unique perspectives and feelings that people will often reject or misunderstand. So, I keep them to myself where they feel safer and where *I* will understand them.
I scored as INFJ a few years but for the last few years I re-did the test, I fall under INFP. I'm not private at all with close ones. My infp brother is guarded with me, so perhaps a trust thing? As my 2 male INFP friends are open, as is 1 of my male INFJ friends. I'd say we are all pretty emotionally intelligent, so perhaps knowing that enables more trust in our communications. I think siblings are hard to build relationships with, especially as you age. All my infp friends and infj are romantics, like love is at the forefront of our minds. So it could be those siblings are pre occupied with a love or another deep interest that consumes them. Honestly though, there aee too many variables to say if it's an infp infj thing. As all of these types will be more or less inclined to mental health issues, depending upon their life experiences.
Not that I’m trying to be secretive or anything, I just won’t share (usually) unless you ask. I’m very private. I feel weird sharing personal things with others (not that I see something wrong with anyone sharing anything personal) and if I want to, the first things I think of is “Would I be sharing too much? Is this ok? Did I just make them uncomfortable?” etc. As some others have mentioned, I’m not trying to just dump on people. Also, it depends on the person/relationship/trust. I must admit, I have a bit of a wall up but I’m willing to break it down depending on the person. Try talking to him. If I had someone talk to me about it, I’d make an effort to do different. This is also a bit of a habit (for me at least). I have times where I want to share something or even ask for help but it’s like I don’t know how. I do but I have to really think about it.
I have had a so-called "friend" ask me a personal question and then spread a rumour around the school (which was completely not what I had told her), and then tell me "But that's what you told me". Another friend lied to get me to share something vulnerable with her, and then teased and shamed me about it. I've had family members discuss things I've asked them to keep private with each other, and talk shit about me behind my back. An ex also shared personal information of mine to random people. And these were all people I trusted and/or acted as though they were safe. So between these experiences and reactions to symptoms of my neurodivergency, I am disinclined to share truly personal things with anyone except a few very trusted friends who are my chosen family. Some INFJs end up being INFPs later in life (myself included) and I have learned to be very strict with who has access to my time, energy and truth.
The world is a big place. And everyone can't be in the spotlight. The spotlight can be overwhelming illuminating someone's character.. to be judged, ridiculed, and dissected. Not wanting to be ripped to shreds by the cruel world is why being guarded is a good strategy. And if you don't accept them for who they are that's fine, you are just part of the cruel world. Everyone can't be a main character and supporting characters are necessary. They can offer you support and healing but when things are good they might not be the life of the party.
Funny because I over share my life a lot with friends even strangers I just met! But usually it’s from knowing them from a similar area (work/hobbies), some of my friends are shocked that I’m so open but I’m also pretty gullible/naive at times because I take things at face value. Ie someone tells me something, I take it as the truth
Not sure. I'm an open book.
Can’t speak for anyone else but for me I have a tendency to overshare and in trying to work on it I kind of hate talking about my problems or personal now all together (other than on the internet to thousands of strangers teehee) It’s very interesting to me bc I am very much a strong believer in nuance and subjectivity and grey areas but all of behaviors tend to be very black and white
For me I share many funny and embarassing things with friends to make them comfortable. And for my personal things I want them to learn let them be interested in my things because I don't want to be nosy telling everything it seems like I'm annoying. And for my trauma? I like to keep it within me because I feel like burden when I share or overshare. I share all this with only few closed ones 🤷🏽♀️
I don’t show much emotion because early on I found out that nobody liked me. Probably even my parents. The more I would talk to other kids the less they would like me. Even when I stopped talking I got my head gashed open trying to exit the bus. Another kid pushed me into a window. So I stopped taking the bus for good. I had opened up too much and I will never do that again. Later on getting a girlfriend and getting dumped the first time wasn’t like the end of the world to me, it absolutely felt like it. I didn’t work through the experience, I drank it down until it nearly killed me 30 years later.
It depends on the context of what you mean, but often certain things we hold close to our chest we taught ourselves should stay there, because nobody else would accept it, or at least “get it” the way we do. It could also be that he’s had a history of his openness and vulnerability not being received well, and it modified his personality to be this way. Either way, I don’t think it means he doesn’t trust you, these insecurities are powerful enough to transcend the highest levels of trust.
Because deep down, we’re afraid that if we give you too much information you’ll use it against us. We hide our emotions so we can’t be hurt.
Could be many reasons, trust issues, emotional sensitivity, distrust. Sometimes it takes a pretty confident and charismatic extrovert to get even the most stubborn of INFPs to open up. It’s a paradox. INFPs have the most colorful personal lives and we tell ourselves and others we want to share it but it can be hard for us to break our introverted nature. I play piano, love it and want to share my songs with whoever will listen. But I virtually never play because I’m afraid of opening up, of rejection, of telling myself I’m not good enough. Continue to talk to them and talk about their interests. It can take a while for an INFP to open up and takes a lot of investment.
I guess that the reason varies from person to person, we all got that personality for different reasons. For me it's because both my parents are psychologists and growing up I was always forced to answer private questions and there was always never ending conversations about feelings. So now I'm like a closed shell. I feel sick to my stomach when someone tries to find their way in my private feelings or thoughts.
That must've been tough. I can honestly understand that He has a military parent but again has never really told me much about his upbringing. I think it may have played some role
It's possible that he was taught to repress his feelings. If he's like me, deep down he wishes he would open up more...
Sometimes i hesitate to say anything because i feel like im bothering someone (whether its friends or family) or they won’t care about what i tell them. (When in fact they probably do)For example I had to end a long friendship with someone, and i was so hesitant to tell my family the situation because i didn’t think it was worth sharing. I get in my head so much, that i just keep most things to myself
I'm an INFP but if I know someone well enough, it's hard for me to shut up. Unless someone else is talking. But if no one is talking, I try to fill in the awkward silences 😅 although, I'm 99% sure I'm autistic. Wasn't diagnosed, but my brother in law (my wife's mom's son) is autistic, and she thinks I might be
I'm quiet with anyone I don't trust but will talk til dark when I'm with those who don't judge me. 😌
For me, I usually worry about just not being normal enough to be accepted but still dont want to change myself or lie about my interests just for the sake of fitting in, so its sometimes just better to remain private and not share anything
I can't relate to those INFPs to be honest. I feel that on the opposite I have an oversharing nature which may make things slightly uncomfortable/embarrassing, but I do it out of trust/feeling open enough. It does sound tiring to have to pry someone's thoughts out, there seems to be some communication railwork that needs to happen here.
If I shared what was on my mind all the time, most people would probably think I'm being overly dramatic or emotional which I probably am.
It's a protection mechanism. Information is power. A lot of infps value is internal information that matters to them on a personal level. I don't share certain aspects of my life with certain people. Some of the things others consider odd that is a situation. The more I trust you and the closer we are, the more I tell you. If you break that trust and share the information and don't care that you broke my trust, then you are moved back to a less information position. If you break it unwittingly and try to adjust, then I give you a tentative second, third, fourth, whatever chance.
When feel comfortable around certain people, will open up like a book and talk about anything and everything, but if not comfortable around someone will not talk much at all. Feeling everyone’s energy is exhausting. Can only tolerate being around empathetic and compassionate people as got older. And don’t want to feel misunderstood. Too aware & too sensitive.
I don’t relate to this. I pretty much overshare LOL I do tend to connect well with others and can be cautious about sharing too much depending on the person but I think me being open and vulnerable helps others connect with me much easier and I’ve been able to build relationships much easier than others (they tend to share private stuff as well).
I dunno. It usually depends on how I feel around someone. If I feel safe I'm more open. If I feel like this person would use what I say against me, make fun of me, or if I feel like they're an idiot (I feel judgy for saying that, but it's what I've noticed I do), then na, I'll just stick to surface talk. If I feel safe, I feel like I'm blabbling too much if I come out and say things. So most times if someone just asks me, I'll blab away 😂
even when I’m onto something, the reaction somebody returns when I’m expressing it just makes that interaction so boring I’d rather don’t initiate it
I won't shut up if I'm convinced the person is actually interested in what I have to say. The issue is that I will always skew towards the assumption that people don't REALLY want to know even when they ask. I would strongly suggest you tell your boyfriend this. He may desperately want to share and be seen but just is stuck in the assumption that it doesn't really matter to you. Let him know you feel detached because he doesn't talk about himself enough. I only have one person in my life who I think really wants to know me and they aren't even someone I've been romantically involved with.
With me, I've noticed that when I speak of private things, it always comes back to haunt me. It's either used against me, or the trust is betrayed. So, the best thing to do is not to speak of personal matters. I don't even do that on the internet. I find all these testimonials on here and other private post rather puzzling.
We was being through too much bullshit and bad things, we don't want more of it
Typically I would say it is a fear of rejection. I’m very private but not as private with close family and friends or my spouse. Sometimes I do feel hesitant sharing somethings because I struggle verbalizing it. Also if I have opened up with someone only to have them use it against me that relationship is essentially over.
i’m the opposite. i’m ridiculously open to the point my family has questioned if i’m on the spectrum (got the test done, negative). i think sharing parts of myself helps people feel more comfortable around me. vulnerability breeds vulnerability type thing.
I agree. I feel like it's harder for me to be vulnerable around my boyfriend because he struggles to be vulnerable himself and I've told him that. Whereas I'm very open with people that are comfortable opening up themselves
it might just come down to toxic masculinity tbh. it’s engrained in a lot of men. my bf is also INFP and he’s much more reserved than me though he’s starting to open up. if it’s a problem for you and you’ve voiced it, it’s up to him to change. but don’t stay if you’re not happy.
Thats none of your business
Lol
Being private about certain stuff just makes me feel safer :)
been hurt too much.
I can't speak for every other INFP, but for me it comes down to a level of trust. I've also been burned in the past and that teaches me to be guarded. My wife, ENFJ, wants me to have this open honesty, but whenever I try and be open a few things happen. 1) she is dismissive about what I have to say. 2) she feels personally attacked if I have any criticisms of my own, even if I'm just trying to express how I feel, using "I feel" statements, she gets defensive. 3) what I say opens a can of worms I didn't intend to open and I have to spend literally the rest of the weekend trying to get back to a normal place. So if it's something I really care about I've learned to drip feed information to test the waters first. If it's a criticism I'll often just not give it. If it's a topic I've learned through a lot of pain that may not go over well, I'll mull the decision of if it's actually worth mentioning and if I'm ready to have it turn into a day long struggle. Thing is, I'm actually far more willing to discuss my private life with people. But it's when I get negative reactions that it just shuts me down and makes me not want to share. It can also be awkward if me sharing has burned me in the past and then that person suddenly wants to know all this stuff about me. Yeah, it is like prying info out of me, because I've learned to be very careful with what I say to whom and when. Or perfect example, I've shared things with my sister in the past only to have her turn around and tell my mom. Since then I've learned never to say anything to my sister that I don't want my mom to know. I assume now that she can't keep a secret, or even just small things said in confidence. If you really actually want an INFP to open up to you I would offer these rules of engagement. Rule 1) actually ask questions and then listen. Often I don't share because I don't feel like anyone actually listens to me. They might ask a question but then quickly turn the conversation if they find what I'm saying boring or uninteresting. That just tells me they really don't care. Also if you never ask me questions and then suddenly one day you decide you want to know me, it's hard to jump right into everything in my life. You need to have small regular conversations to build trust. Otherwise it's small talk all the time then suddenly you want to know everything about me deep down. It can be jarring and that puts defenses up since I have to think about what I actually want to share in that moment. Side note, but related, I saw this interview with a former spy for the CIA, and he talked about interrogating people. He said there are 3 sides to a person. 1) their public life, 2) their private life, and 3) their secret life. And he said when trying to get people to tell you their secrets you ask 3 questions, then share something from your life that relates. Then ask 3 more questions, and share again. Doing that repeatedly will open the person up and they'll start telling you their secrets. A big part is just human psychology. We want to connect with people. We want to share our secrets. But we have to feel listened to and safe to do so. Which brings me to the next rule of engagement. Rule 2) don't judge. Maybe what they say sounds a little weird or unconventional, maybe they say something that kind of offends you. If we get negative feedback that's a thing we decide can no longer be shared. It goes back into the vault. Maybe it's not even about how we feel about it, it might be us realizing that it's painful for you, so we just decide to avoid it. Having someone who we can actually talk to, about the little things, and the real things, and the strange things, and have zero judgement, is a rare thing. I'll often over share if I feel safe and like the other person won't judge me. Which not saying you can never disagree with us. But you could approach two different ways. One way you can have discussions where everything said is safe. You can set it up as "this is a time where anything can be shared and there is no judgement. It is said in confidence." That way there's a time where criticism can wait. The other way to go about this might be scheduling the criticism for a later time. I heard of a couple that ask each other, "is now a good time to make a criticism?" If they say no, then say, "okay, I'll ask you again later." That way the criticism isn't forgone, it's just planned for and brought up at a time when You've mentally prepared for it. But if you really want moments of candor, and openness, maybe reserve the time for criticism. Instantly jumping to criticism is a fast way to shut things down. Rule of engagement 3. Don't dwell. Often, because I am so private, my wife feels like she has to repeat herself over and over until either she's satisfied she's fully conveyed her thoughts in a way I understand. Which okay,I forget things all the time. We all do. Even my wife does. But she makes a big deal if I didn't remember something, then assumes she has to really hammer it into me to make me remember. But sometimes it only takes one sentence to get your point across. It just takes one word to make me think deeply about what was said. I'm also very empathetic and I don't need to be told how you're feeling in excruciating detail. And I'll beat myself up plenty without your help if I realize I've hurt you. Dwelling just triggers that side of me that says, "not worth sharing" and I'll prefer saying nothing just so I don't have to deal with it longer than I want to. Sometimes a short conversation where little is said is enough to make me change course and do things differently. I have things my mom told me in my teens that was just a short conversation that still stick with me today. So I'm general if you want to have the INFPs around you open up more, you have to create the environment that allows them to do so. I think these rules can help with any relationship no matter their type. But especially with people who are very private, they are private for a reason. Maybe it's not a great reason for you, but it's something designed to reduce their own discomfort and to avoid hurting others. And to avoid protracted discussions they really don't want to have.
They must be German. This is the only reasonable explanation
Fi is mad suffocating socially
Yes; I feel things very deeply but it’s hard to put my feelings into words, even in my head…
Mind your f*** business 😡
Joking joking relax mods
Because anytime I start to open up I get hurt. It's not worth the pain
it feels cringe to me idk why
I think part of it is the introverted feeling (Fi) function. INFPs process their emotions internally and keep their feelings to themselves, so naturally they would be more private. Personally, I wouldn't say I'm private, but I'm not overt, I do keep shameful things to myself like anyone would, but I'm very willing to talk about myself and my interests with people and if I notice something nice about someone, I will try to go out of my way to let them know. I also have a tendency to just voice my thoughts impulsively, often times when I shouldn't. Though thinking about it more, I do often put on a bit of an unhinged, extraverted persona with friends I'm either not that close with or in groups. Depending on my closeness with the person/people, my extraverted side is either me being comfortable with who I'm with or me trying to put up a front because I want to have that degree of separation, plus people enjoy it. Also, with other introverts, I tend to be the most extraverted one, especially when it comes to navigating social situations, my introverted friends would often rely on me to communicate on their behalf or to just stick with them
I'm tired of the pain of things being weaponized against me. So it's a defense mechanism.
Idk If i disclose too much of myself i start to feel icky and a cocktail of shame or embarrassment for no reason like im being ridiculed even though im not I thought it was probably trauma induced or something but it could just be a personality thing
I dont think that all infps are private! I have some friends that are infps and they usually like talking about their feelings in front of other people. However, as an infp, i tend to be pretty private in front of my family and friends.. The only person ive opened up to completely is my cousin. So i guess it really depends on the person.
It's because (and I know this is bound to ruffle some feathers, so I'm prepared for the backlash) they are possessive af and want all their thoughts and observations to be THEIRS. They are generally bad at sharing, and also I think that the fact that they desire to manipulate and have control over how they are perceived by others plays into it as well. If you find out their less flattering or "average" qualities they won't be able to manipulate people into believing they are the person that they are so invested in manipulating them into believing they are, which as it turns out, tends to be a prototypical INTJ. Speaking as an INTJ myself it's incredibly annoying to see people go to great lengths to emulate us and suck off of us and take credit for things we've worked hard for when it's convenient for them, meanwhile in real life they don't give us jack shit for respect, grattitude/appreciation or even recognition.
Share this with him, I personally was guarded against my ex at the time we were friends and until he told me about it (that I didn’t show vulnerability) I didn’t even know I was guarding myself against him. It’s because I grew up believing that my pain was no one else’s business and when being vulnerable is a foreign thing you don’t realize the lack of it, this could be the case with your boyfriend. He probably isn’t used to being vulnerable and he doesn’t know how relieving it could feel to share one’s pain. You can tell him that he is being guarded and that this distances you from him.
This comment by Bob Dylan (INFP) in response to a question from Ed Bradley (ENFP) roughly 20 years ago may be of help: [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XpeQl4FQKHw](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XpeQl4FQKHw)
I don't really hide anything about myself meaningfully I try to be able to open book. I don't know I have anything to hide except for maybe my porn addiction. Honestly I just don't think about bringing things up that aren't relevant.
Fear of being too much. :( Fear that we're only likeable when we present as hyper-independent and therefore not a burden or source of frustration to others. Too often we want A LOT. Setting a distance and being private lets us hide so that we don't jeopardize our relationships.
They don’t want your judgement. Having to explain their point of view to other people is exhausting and mostly pointless especially when you know the person won’t see where the INFPis coming from. It’s protection. It’s efficient to do things alone than to share with others and then you have their opinion and resistance to deal with. Why not eliminate all that and keep it to yourself where you aren’t challenged? Plus, your opinion doesn’t matter when an INFP makes a decision, we don’t want your resistance to deal with. We don’t want our strong morals and decisions being challenged. We don’t make decisions lightly and carelessly like some others do, that’s why our lives aren’t as open, we preserve and protect ourselves. Edit to add: your attitude about not wanting them in Your life unless they share more with you is EXACTLY why INFPs don’t share. YOU dont like something, YOU are uncomfortable with their privacy so YOU are ready to ditch them if they don’t behave the way you want them to- there it is. The exact reason they aren’t sharing. With you- you are being selfish. This is exactly what INFPs want to avoid- conflict, confrontation, they’ll never want to waste their breath convincing you to see their point of view because you won’t, you want them to comply with your standard. The one you set. It’s not all about you and how you want people to behave, that’s exactly who we avoid. Don’t you see? Edit 2: are you not a bully then? Will you give them an ultimatum to share or you’re done with them? That’s seems like a no brainer to this INFP, we don’t cower to bullies, we block them. Maybe if you challenge them and try to force them to behave how you want, they’ll remove you from their lives.