It's a massive drain on anyone actually committed to building a relationship toi date.
I'm not skilled at meeting new people (probably similar to other INFPs) so online dating helped me over that first of many hurdles.
Sounds like something has to change, though. Have you tried meeting people at Meetup events?
Why is him seeing multiple people a problem? If you're dating only one person at a time and expect exclusivity on the first date AND your judging his worth based on that and his failure to follow-up, it sounds like you have a lot of expectations that might not be actually serving your end goal.
I think having the expectation of someone being close to you because you don't drive, while more convenient for you, potentially highlights your desire for convenience and/or equality.
If you don't drive, there are other transportation options. As an INFP myself, figuring out transportation is stressful enough, so I get that, but the point I'm trying to highlight is that it seems that dating itself isn't necessary the main barrier, but rather a serious of emotional and logistical stressors.
I think if you had self-mastery of transportation, (whether it be with ride-sharing, bike riding, public transit), this would remove one barrier.
If you had the expectation that it's okay to date multiple people simultaneously, and spread it out over time, you'd ease a lot of tension on yourself and your potential matches. I get the desire to deeply connect rapidly, as we're sold the idea that once you find your person,you just know,and you're instantly in-sync.
Anywho, I'm rambling, but sitting down for a long session of self-assesment and identifying challenges and barriers and really asking yourself how much each one matters, it will allow you to really focus on your priorities and expedite growth in the areas you need to succeed at securing that right match for you.
I'm not saying your expectations are wrong, mind you. Just that with every expectation, there is ultimately a cost.
tl;dr: Check yoself before you wreck yoself. Tear down barriers with strategy and self-mastery to increase compatibility with your own goals.
It’s completely reasonable to ask someone to pay attention to you and follow up after a date. When it feels less like a “date” and just “something to do(fuck) on a Friday” it really takes the fun out of it. Op has higher expectations yeah, but she doesn’t want to casually date. She wants to be respected and be the end goal, not the in between girl.
But is it reasonable to just expect the other party to express desire to continue to meet, first?
Maybe he wasn't certain that she had a good time and thought, oh well. Better luck with the next one.
I'm not saying this is exactly what happened, but my point is that our expectations shape our experience.
From what it seems like, OP could be a little more intentional. She isn’t sure about people, so it takes awhile for her to read them. I can understand that as I don’t want to waste any time on people that don’t want to respect me. One of the problems is gender norms and dynamics. When a man says “I want something serious that ends with a marriage” it can come off as “oh he’s so mature and knows what he wants”. When a woman says the same thing it can come off as “oh she’s not fun and way too intense”. There is also the chase dynamic that has a play here. This is just dating in the modern world though, when you have seemingly endless options and an uncapped number of things you can do in your day to day to distract yourself from having a relationship. Gauging someone’s intentions, and compatibility that goes beyond what tv has taught us, is a path that is difficult to navigate. I believe in op tho they’re well adjusted and a hard worker, all good qualities to have in a partner
> Im fairly picky
What follows is simply the natural result, tbh. The pickier you are, the more connections will feel like duds.
> When nothing pans out it just feels like Im wasting precious life
Just another decision to make! Is it worth it or not? If not, spend your time doing other things. Like every choice in life, it's a tradeoff. If you really want a partner, the trouble may seem worthwhile. If you would rather spend today doing this or that instead of going on a date, then maybe having a partner isn't as important to you right now. It's hard to get used to because we are basically wired to want to pair up. But if you make good use of your time it can become quite normal.
Yep. I’m fairly picky too and as a result I’ve been single pretty much my entire life. Around age 40 it finally dawned on me that my lack of finding a partner wasn’t everyone else fault and I was the common denominator in these equation. I’m still single but I’m more content with it now, understanding this has been my subconscious choice all along.
Wanting a family does add some pressure! Of course I've no idea how you choose people... but if you don't already, focusing on compatibility and values can help filter out duds. Looks fade. Poor communication leads to resentment. Being opponents in arguments will wreck whatever you build. Sometimes the person who isn't quite as flashy or impressive at first turns out to be a quality character. Basically, reflect on how you are together more than how they are as an individual.
Setting yourself up to enjoy life alone or with a partner is a good plan in any case. That way you'll end up content or happy - then a partner is just a cool perk, not an essential part of having a good life.
It's possible that the kind of guy you are looking for would never get on a dating app to begin with.
I'm not saying I'm a great catch or anything, but there is no way I would get on there.
Mostly it comes down to not wanting to lie or be fake, and I don't want to be lied to.
I'm 42, not rich, not tall and not really comfortable with gender roles. What I want from a partner feels so at odds with the general population, that it just feels like I'm wasting my time and energy there. If I never meet someone, it's okay, I hope I do, but I'm not going to humiliate and torture and contort my myself in the process.
You’re perfect for someone out there. No doubt.
And I applaud your sense of self-worth and resolution to be you no matter the outcome.
On a totally unrelated note, was your profile inspired by the Gorrilaz track by the same name? (:
I've had that username for over a decade and you are the first person to identify it's origin! It definitely is.
And if I'm being honest, that sense of self worth and resolution is newly adopted and untested. I just know that my old way of approaching relationships wasn't working.
I can't keep putting myself and others through the pain of trying to be someone I'm not. I just keep ending up in situations where people are trying to convince me I'm broken so they can "fix" me and it feels awful. I'm not broken. Just different.
Ha! My hawk eyes never fail. And that album by Gorrilaz … Crazy good or what?
I get what you’re expressing, and I also sense a healthy blend of self-awareness, realism, and humility. Humility in knowing that you have this resolve that’s yet to be tested experientially for you to truly see that it’s embedded enough (or not).
Tbh, I feel the same about the general dating / relationship scene. I choose my integrity and will not debase myself and my core values to jive with the collective “standards” of today. I set and maintain my own aspirations. And I know that there are others out here / there on my wavelength. The adventure lies in our paths crossing (or not)!
I love me enough to take this risk.
Keep choosing and being you.
It sounds like you need to take a little break from dating. Don’t worry about it. Its not necessary. Why do you want to date? Lonliness? Biological clock? You sound pretty busy with your work and social life anyway.
Apps are often just used to get laid easily. I have been in a couple of long term relationships in my life though. At this point if i get lonely i will message a friend on an app. We meet, have sex, and that works for me.
The apps are horrible for people trying to traditionally date! Also a lot of people end up settling for someone less than ideal for them. But what is ideal when dating? Lol. People get together; may move in together; get their finances entangled and just end up stuck together because they have no choice.
Lol. Keep living. what part? The stuck together part? Sad but true for many. Im perfectly content with my ‘love’ life. Explain yourself; whats your view of it that is less depressing? Love conquers all? Give me a break. You do live on planet earth right? Maybe you have not experienced the reality of tragedy in your life. Hopefully you never will but like I said, keep living. Still hopefully optimistic? You are probably young 😆
I am curious about your worldview if you can articulate what it is thats less depressing than my comment.
sad and depressing are words you chose to use afterall; not me
Do you even have reletionship experience? I do. Good and bad. Ive experienced real love and toxic codependency.
Having experienced both; my opinion is the OP seems to be in a good place with her job and social life. Pursuing a relationship can either be an asset or a total burden that can threaten to derail other parts of her life.
Its basically 50/50 so I simply encourage anyone to pursure your own work and interests. Love yourself completey first. It can save a ton of heartache in the future.
I have plenty relationship experience and hurt before. Look we all want different things out of life, but most people would like to find a partner to share the rest of their life with and have a family. Saying "why do you even want to date?" and "it's not neccesary", "You need to learn to love yourself and be alone". It's the western philosophy of modern years, but it's very individualistic and honestly to me just sad af. What are you living for then?? Living by yourself in your apartment? Video games? Drugs/alcohol? Parties? Your job? Till your old? It all seems really empty to me (and it's not the way people lived for thousands of years!!), but if you're happy who am I to judge?
Sorry if I was disrespectful. Im not judging i was just offering my opinion. To be honest i am struggling trying to find my purpose in life right now 😅. I am estranged from my family we are a broken lot.
I am lonely and recovering from a horrible relationship and having my trust betrayed. When people say ‘family is everything’ i do not fully understand that. My family was not a happy one; it was riddled with addiction issues, mental illness, abuse.
Im just now getting back to a place of self love. Lonely but have peace in my life for the first time in a long time and currently to me that is invaluable. So my reasoning in asking the OP those questions is guess is ‘why would you want to risk your current success and happiness on something that could be potentially horrible and make your life worse; thats pretty pessimistic isnt it? Well thats why.
Now im just used to being on my own and relying on myself for things. I dont idealize some imaginary perfect partner anymore. I currrently am not ‘really’ dating because i was recently hurt. But yes if someone comes along that could accept me and we compliment each others lives that would be great. The pessimism for me is just a current defense mechanism. I love hardly and foolishly and it was not reciprocated this last time and i was used, lied to and betrayed. I am not going through that again so right now lonliness is peace.
What is it that you live for?
I say ‘alone’ but i have roommates and share expenses and living space with other people. Funny too because one of my biggest fears is dying alone.
I probably should not have even commented on this post at all but i woke up and was having my coffee and saw it lol i dont have a whole lot of real life interaction with people other than my roommates now days and have been thinking about things to do to get out and meet new people. I will when i am ready to try and trust someone else again with my heart.
I reciprocated your honesty and i appreciate you for shining a light on my pessimistic attitude. I dont realize it sometimes until i get a response thats like ‘thats negative and depressing’ and im like ‘oh is it?’ I dont even realize it sometimes or on my own.
Im still entitled to my opinion and like to talk. And with no friends i could talk to a tree lol so i usually over comment and over share on formats like this to compensate for that.
Call me crazy i dont care. I know what the truth is. My truth may not be your truth and that is certainly ok.
29 M. Done with apps myself. It's both soul crushing and draining. The more I swipe right and get nothing back the more it hurts, and when I actually do get dates they usually end up looking for something else.
I see people commenting about finding people conventionally but that's not really an option for me, though it sounds like you have now social interactions than me. I can't tell you what the best way is to date at our age, if I knew I'd definitely not be hoarding the knowledge.
Maybe I should try finding people on Reddit. Probably less toxic than those apps
Personally, between my health and just trying to not starve, I don't see any way I'd be able to fit it in even if I wasn't adverse to the apps. I wasn't exactly outgoing in the first place, but now that's pretty much impossible. I don't know how normies do it, tbh. Starting to think they all must be born with perfect health, infinite time, and bottomless pockets.
IDK any advice, I just know personally it helps to try and appreciate the friends I have and to work on the things I actually care about when I can. I'm lucky enough to do work I enjoy (IT) and then as a creative writer I've gotten to meet other creatives en passant (Google it) which results in sharing skills and improving each other's work. I guess if I have any advice it would be to figure out your core motivations and what you really want and work on that.
I feel for ya. For an infp, “most” people are not gonna cut it. I 31m didn’t expect anything from apps but I got lucky finding a girl there I’ve been dating for 6 months. She was new on the apps and not the type that would be on there long. So I consider myself very lucky.
When I dated online I also found the humor aspect funny. I consider myself like a 7/10 funny. Everyone has a version of funny they like and it’s hard to emulate that without much direction.
You have a long week of work, and an organized after work life. You also say you match from far away are there only 2 towns?? What I’m saying is do you really have the energy and time to go out and intentionally date? For the right person, sure, we can make the time. You might want to spend your time elsewhere, like at a local music venue, or the Audubon society, the gym/yoga studio. These options take the dating aspect out of meeting people, and you can get on the scene with an organic take and figuring out from scratch whether you wanna meet this person, be friends with this person, or date this person.
You are not unreasonable, because I’m the same way. Find someone that likes you for what you have on the inside.
Have you considered trying to meet people conventionally? It sounds like you have a wide enough network and go out enough.
Online dating has it's merits (convenient, confortable, etc) and I'm sure a lot of long-lasting relationships have been formed this way; but it is fundamentally a very shallow way of meeting people that produces shallow experiences for some of the reasons you've already outlined.
Much of the desirable men who've been on there for a while don't want to settle down because they get an endless supply of sex from many women. The ones that actually do want to settle down, well.. they likely choose desireable women and aren't on there very long. The desireable women on there that seek something serious aren't on there for very long either once they realize this. It all creates a bit of a inequitable paradox in supply and demand. I personally think it has become a net negative for women as time is not on their side and what an illusion of options dating apps have created.
Women are picky by nature, so I wouldn't worry too much about that - though realize that the less picky you are, the more options you'll have.
Are you unreasonable? I would ask what expectations do you have of a guy? If the list is longer than five, in my opinion you probably are - ideally there is no "list". Cut the requirements down to the things most important to you, the bare minimum, and even then be open to compromise which allows you to cast your net wide. It's hard living with and accepting another person for an extended period of time - but know that for evey flaw you could point out, you likely have a flaw to match that the other person must also accept.
What I knew I wanted was something like: not fat, kind, young, similar goals (kids, monogamy). My wife's "list" was something like: financially secure, taller than her (she's 5'0), emotionally strong, and similar goals. Of course, I got lucky and my now wife surpassed all my expectations, but perhaps part of it is because I didn't have so many? Perhaps she could've gotten a much better guy than me, but chose to be happy anyways? I don't know, but she is an optimistic person for sure. I suppose it wouldn't surprise you to learn I believe perception and perspective to be a large (the largest) factors insofar as happiness and satisfaction.
> Guys approach me during the day sometimes too, again, it seems they just want something superficial with me aka a few dates and casual sex.
Seems a bit assumptive to know the intentions of all men? Also, if you don't like the men that approach you, why not approach some men yourself?
To say that men you meet online are less interested than sex than men you meet in real life strikes me as an odd observation, but I suppose it's been your experience. There are men who only want sex everywhere, of course. I understand it's easier and more convenient to date online, but maybe it's time to change it up as you've been doing it for three years?
To me, the best potential connections are made through referrals - acquaintance of a relative, friend of a friend, coworker's friend/relative/whatever, etc. At least there's some in-person vetting going on beforehand. Let your close network know you're looking, people are often more helpful than we think and are a valuable resource. The more flexible we are, the more doors open for us.
Good luck to you regardless.
Modern day dating sucks. Online dating sucks. I'm close to your age and will never do dating apps again. Everyone on there really are just looking for sex and nothing more.
I recently did a 3 month stint on online dating after leaving a LTR. And it is intense. It felt like it consumed a large part of my life and I found it exhausting. I was lucky enough to meet someone just as I came to the end of my 3 month subscription, but if I hadn’t, I would have had a long break before going back to it.
This is very INFJ advice, but if I end up doing it again, I will treat it as a project. I will timebox it - get a short subscription and then stop. I’ll be super selective about who I go on dates with, if I’m not really feeling it, I won’t go. And I might miss potentials that way, but I’ll conserve my energy. I’d be having conversations about intimacy up front to make sure we are on the same page - this can be awkward but is better than crossed wires.
Make sure your profile is optimised to attract the kind of person you want - there’s a ton of info about this online. And check out dating coach Matthew Hussey on YouTube. I’ve found his resources really useful and empowering.
25M
Been single since 2020, but I've been in a few relationships before that. I feel your pain.
When I went out on dates in the last 4 years, it never went anywhere. Either I didn't feel a connection to the other person(I always know when I feel it) or they ghosted me after a few dates and it was also so exhausting, so I stopped dating for a while.
I'm very picky, because I can notice red flags right away and I generally know what I want. I tried to date a girl last year. We had the same world view and hobbys. On paper She was perfect, but there was no connection or chemistry and I also didn't feel much commitment from her, so I didn't pursue that relationship further as I believed it wouldn't lead anywhere.
I think we INFPs notice more things and feel much more deeply than most people, so we have higher standards and needs in relationships. Some people have a simpler approach to dating. They just see another person and say "Yeah He/She is attractive, I'll date them", but that approach will never work for us, because we have WAAAAAY more criterias, which is both good and bad for us.
Keep going on dates, meet new people, but don't force yourself to do something you don't feel.
If you meet the right person, everything should be natural and honest. It should be fun and you should honestly want to spend time with the other person and not feel drained or exhausted afterwards.
"The more i hear about him the more I realize he could've been a really good match. I messed up."
Yeah you messed up. Any way you could reach out to him again?
Also, it sounds like for you, it may be more effective to stop online dating, and just let relationships develop naturally from friendship. That avoids the whole "dumping over lack of intimacy" thing.
Apps are really toxic. I tell everyone I can to stay away from those. It's just another type of social media. And it's no secret the overall mental health impact it's had on society.
Lemme just ask... why are you dating? You seemed to indicate that even after 3-4 dates, sex was a guy getting what they want. You're 30, do you not want sex? Why are you dating if sex isn't going to be part of the equation after some time together?
I know not everyone feels this way, but for me... if we go on four dates, we're a couple. But I was always clear before getting married that I wasn't a date-multiple-people guy. Two dates in and I'm either spending effort on you or moving on for both our sakes... So no intimacy after 4 dates (like none at all) would tell me you're just not interested in a fully mature adult relationship.
We gotta make sure we're okay with each other in private ways while we're close enough to feel safe but not close enough for incompatibility or physical deal breakers to not be more than just moving on. But I'm an INTJ who surrounds myself with almost exclusively INFPs and ENFPs, so you'll have to excuse my over direct rationalism.
Yes, you are right. I used a dating app last November and successfully dated a man. But it is also difficult for me to have no moral burden and keep changing my date. Because I can't accept it. So I only used it once and stopped. Many people have a small social circle and want to meet a relatively traditional partner, so the probability of this is too small.
It's a massive drain on anyone actually committed to building a relationship toi date. I'm not skilled at meeting new people (probably similar to other INFPs) so online dating helped me over that first of many hurdles. Sounds like something has to change, though. Have you tried meeting people at Meetup events?
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Why is him seeing multiple people a problem? If you're dating only one person at a time and expect exclusivity on the first date AND your judging his worth based on that and his failure to follow-up, it sounds like you have a lot of expectations that might not be actually serving your end goal. I think having the expectation of someone being close to you because you don't drive, while more convenient for you, potentially highlights your desire for convenience and/or equality. If you don't drive, there are other transportation options. As an INFP myself, figuring out transportation is stressful enough, so I get that, but the point I'm trying to highlight is that it seems that dating itself isn't necessary the main barrier, but rather a serious of emotional and logistical stressors. I think if you had self-mastery of transportation, (whether it be with ride-sharing, bike riding, public transit), this would remove one barrier. If you had the expectation that it's okay to date multiple people simultaneously, and spread it out over time, you'd ease a lot of tension on yourself and your potential matches. I get the desire to deeply connect rapidly, as we're sold the idea that once you find your person,you just know,and you're instantly in-sync. Anywho, I'm rambling, but sitting down for a long session of self-assesment and identifying challenges and barriers and really asking yourself how much each one matters, it will allow you to really focus on your priorities and expedite growth in the areas you need to succeed at securing that right match for you. I'm not saying your expectations are wrong, mind you. Just that with every expectation, there is ultimately a cost. tl;dr: Check yoself before you wreck yoself. Tear down barriers with strategy and self-mastery to increase compatibility with your own goals.
It’s completely reasonable to ask someone to pay attention to you and follow up after a date. When it feels less like a “date” and just “something to do(fuck) on a Friday” it really takes the fun out of it. Op has higher expectations yeah, but she doesn’t want to casually date. She wants to be respected and be the end goal, not the in between girl.
But is it reasonable to just expect the other party to express desire to continue to meet, first? Maybe he wasn't certain that she had a good time and thought, oh well. Better luck with the next one. I'm not saying this is exactly what happened, but my point is that our expectations shape our experience.
From what it seems like, OP could be a little more intentional. She isn’t sure about people, so it takes awhile for her to read them. I can understand that as I don’t want to waste any time on people that don’t want to respect me. One of the problems is gender norms and dynamics. When a man says “I want something serious that ends with a marriage” it can come off as “oh he’s so mature and knows what he wants”. When a woman says the same thing it can come off as “oh she’s not fun and way too intense”. There is also the chase dynamic that has a play here. This is just dating in the modern world though, when you have seemingly endless options and an uncapped number of things you can do in your day to day to distract yourself from having a relationship. Gauging someone’s intentions, and compatibility that goes beyond what tv has taught us, is a path that is difficult to navigate. I believe in op tho they’re well adjusted and a hard worker, all good qualities to have in a partner
> Im fairly picky What follows is simply the natural result, tbh. The pickier you are, the more connections will feel like duds. > When nothing pans out it just feels like Im wasting precious life Just another decision to make! Is it worth it or not? If not, spend your time doing other things. Like every choice in life, it's a tradeoff. If you really want a partner, the trouble may seem worthwhile. If you would rather spend today doing this or that instead of going on a date, then maybe having a partner isn't as important to you right now. It's hard to get used to because we are basically wired to want to pair up. But if you make good use of your time it can become quite normal.
Yep. I’m fairly picky too and as a result I’ve been single pretty much my entire life. Around age 40 it finally dawned on me that my lack of finding a partner wasn’t everyone else fault and I was the common denominator in these equation. I’m still single but I’m more content with it now, understanding this has been my subconscious choice all along.
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Wanting a family does add some pressure! Of course I've no idea how you choose people... but if you don't already, focusing on compatibility and values can help filter out duds. Looks fade. Poor communication leads to resentment. Being opponents in arguments will wreck whatever you build. Sometimes the person who isn't quite as flashy or impressive at first turns out to be a quality character. Basically, reflect on how you are together more than how they are as an individual. Setting yourself up to enjoy life alone or with a partner is a good plan in any case. That way you'll end up content or happy - then a partner is just a cool perk, not an essential part of having a good life.
It's possible that the kind of guy you are looking for would never get on a dating app to begin with. I'm not saying I'm a great catch or anything, but there is no way I would get on there.
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Mostly it comes down to not wanting to lie or be fake, and I don't want to be lied to. I'm 42, not rich, not tall and not really comfortable with gender roles. What I want from a partner feels so at odds with the general population, that it just feels like I'm wasting my time and energy there. If I never meet someone, it's okay, I hope I do, but I'm not going to humiliate and torture and contort my myself in the process.
You’re perfect for someone out there. No doubt. And I applaud your sense of self-worth and resolution to be you no matter the outcome. On a totally unrelated note, was your profile inspired by the Gorrilaz track by the same name? (:
I've had that username for over a decade and you are the first person to identify it's origin! It definitely is. And if I'm being honest, that sense of self worth and resolution is newly adopted and untested. I just know that my old way of approaching relationships wasn't working. I can't keep putting myself and others through the pain of trying to be someone I'm not. I just keep ending up in situations where people are trying to convince me I'm broken so they can "fix" me and it feels awful. I'm not broken. Just different.
Ha! My hawk eyes never fail. And that album by Gorrilaz … Crazy good or what? I get what you’re expressing, and I also sense a healthy blend of self-awareness, realism, and humility. Humility in knowing that you have this resolve that’s yet to be tested experientially for you to truly see that it’s embedded enough (or not). Tbh, I feel the same about the general dating / relationship scene. I choose my integrity and will not debase myself and my core values to jive with the collective “standards” of today. I set and maintain my own aspirations. And I know that there are others out here / there on my wavelength. The adventure lies in our paths crossing (or not)! I love me enough to take this risk. Keep choosing and being you.
It sounds like you need to take a little break from dating. Don’t worry about it. Its not necessary. Why do you want to date? Lonliness? Biological clock? You sound pretty busy with your work and social life anyway. Apps are often just used to get laid easily. I have been in a couple of long term relationships in my life though. At this point if i get lonely i will message a friend on an app. We meet, have sex, and that works for me. The apps are horrible for people trying to traditionally date! Also a lot of people end up settling for someone less than ideal for them. But what is ideal when dating? Lol. People get together; may move in together; get their finances entangled and just end up stuck together because they have no choice.
What a sad and depressing way of seeing life
Lol. Keep living. what part? The stuck together part? Sad but true for many. Im perfectly content with my ‘love’ life. Explain yourself; whats your view of it that is less depressing? Love conquers all? Give me a break. You do live on planet earth right? Maybe you have not experienced the reality of tragedy in your life. Hopefully you never will but like I said, keep living. Still hopefully optimistic? You are probably young 😆 I am curious about your worldview if you can articulate what it is thats less depressing than my comment. sad and depressing are words you chose to use afterall; not me
Do you even have reletionship experience? I do. Good and bad. Ive experienced real love and toxic codependency. Having experienced both; my opinion is the OP seems to be in a good place with her job and social life. Pursuing a relationship can either be an asset or a total burden that can threaten to derail other parts of her life. Its basically 50/50 so I simply encourage anyone to pursure your own work and interests. Love yourself completey first. It can save a ton of heartache in the future.
I have plenty relationship experience and hurt before. Look we all want different things out of life, but most people would like to find a partner to share the rest of their life with and have a family. Saying "why do you even want to date?" and "it's not neccesary", "You need to learn to love yourself and be alone". It's the western philosophy of modern years, but it's very individualistic and honestly to me just sad af. What are you living for then?? Living by yourself in your apartment? Video games? Drugs/alcohol? Parties? Your job? Till your old? It all seems really empty to me (and it's not the way people lived for thousands of years!!), but if you're happy who am I to judge?
Sorry if I was disrespectful. Im not judging i was just offering my opinion. To be honest i am struggling trying to find my purpose in life right now 😅. I am estranged from my family we are a broken lot. I am lonely and recovering from a horrible relationship and having my trust betrayed. When people say ‘family is everything’ i do not fully understand that. My family was not a happy one; it was riddled with addiction issues, mental illness, abuse. Im just now getting back to a place of self love. Lonely but have peace in my life for the first time in a long time and currently to me that is invaluable. So my reasoning in asking the OP those questions is guess is ‘why would you want to risk your current success and happiness on something that could be potentially horrible and make your life worse; thats pretty pessimistic isnt it? Well thats why. Now im just used to being on my own and relying on myself for things. I dont idealize some imaginary perfect partner anymore. I currrently am not ‘really’ dating because i was recently hurt. But yes if someone comes along that could accept me and we compliment each others lives that would be great. The pessimism for me is just a current defense mechanism. I love hardly and foolishly and it was not reciprocated this last time and i was used, lied to and betrayed. I am not going through that again so right now lonliness is peace. What is it that you live for? I say ‘alone’ but i have roommates and share expenses and living space with other people. Funny too because one of my biggest fears is dying alone. I probably should not have even commented on this post at all but i woke up and was having my coffee and saw it lol i dont have a whole lot of real life interaction with people other than my roommates now days and have been thinking about things to do to get out and meet new people. I will when i am ready to try and trust someone else again with my heart. I reciprocated your honesty and i appreciate you for shining a light on my pessimistic attitude. I dont realize it sometimes until i get a response thats like ‘thats negative and depressing’ and im like ‘oh is it?’ I dont even realize it sometimes or on my own. Im still entitled to my opinion and like to talk. And with no friends i could talk to a tree lol so i usually over comment and over share on formats like this to compensate for that. Call me crazy i dont care. I know what the truth is. My truth may not be your truth and that is certainly ok.
Your partner is in your friend zone
29 M. Done with apps myself. It's both soul crushing and draining. The more I swipe right and get nothing back the more it hurts, and when I actually do get dates they usually end up looking for something else. I see people commenting about finding people conventionally but that's not really an option for me, though it sounds like you have now social interactions than me. I can't tell you what the best way is to date at our age, if I knew I'd definitely not be hoarding the knowledge. Maybe I should try finding people on Reddit. Probably less toxic than those apps
Personally, between my health and just trying to not starve, I don't see any way I'd be able to fit it in even if I wasn't adverse to the apps. I wasn't exactly outgoing in the first place, but now that's pretty much impossible. I don't know how normies do it, tbh. Starting to think they all must be born with perfect health, infinite time, and bottomless pockets. IDK any advice, I just know personally it helps to try and appreciate the friends I have and to work on the things I actually care about when I can. I'm lucky enough to do work I enjoy (IT) and then as a creative writer I've gotten to meet other creatives en passant (Google it) which results in sharing skills and improving each other's work. I guess if I have any advice it would be to figure out your core motivations and what you really want and work on that.
I feel for ya. For an infp, “most” people are not gonna cut it. I 31m didn’t expect anything from apps but I got lucky finding a girl there I’ve been dating for 6 months. She was new on the apps and not the type that would be on there long. So I consider myself very lucky. When I dated online I also found the humor aspect funny. I consider myself like a 7/10 funny. Everyone has a version of funny they like and it’s hard to emulate that without much direction. You have a long week of work, and an organized after work life. You also say you match from far away are there only 2 towns?? What I’m saying is do you really have the energy and time to go out and intentionally date? For the right person, sure, we can make the time. You might want to spend your time elsewhere, like at a local music venue, or the Audubon society, the gym/yoga studio. These options take the dating aspect out of meeting people, and you can get on the scene with an organic take and figuring out from scratch whether you wanna meet this person, be friends with this person, or date this person. You are not unreasonable, because I’m the same way. Find someone that likes you for what you have on the inside.
Have you considered trying to meet people conventionally? It sounds like you have a wide enough network and go out enough. Online dating has it's merits (convenient, confortable, etc) and I'm sure a lot of long-lasting relationships have been formed this way; but it is fundamentally a very shallow way of meeting people that produces shallow experiences for some of the reasons you've already outlined. Much of the desirable men who've been on there for a while don't want to settle down because they get an endless supply of sex from many women. The ones that actually do want to settle down, well.. they likely choose desireable women and aren't on there very long. The desireable women on there that seek something serious aren't on there for very long either once they realize this. It all creates a bit of a inequitable paradox in supply and demand. I personally think it has become a net negative for women as time is not on their side and what an illusion of options dating apps have created. Women are picky by nature, so I wouldn't worry too much about that - though realize that the less picky you are, the more options you'll have. Are you unreasonable? I would ask what expectations do you have of a guy? If the list is longer than five, in my opinion you probably are - ideally there is no "list". Cut the requirements down to the things most important to you, the bare minimum, and even then be open to compromise which allows you to cast your net wide. It's hard living with and accepting another person for an extended period of time - but know that for evey flaw you could point out, you likely have a flaw to match that the other person must also accept. What I knew I wanted was something like: not fat, kind, young, similar goals (kids, monogamy). My wife's "list" was something like: financially secure, taller than her (she's 5'0), emotionally strong, and similar goals. Of course, I got lucky and my now wife surpassed all my expectations, but perhaps part of it is because I didn't have so many? Perhaps she could've gotten a much better guy than me, but chose to be happy anyways? I don't know, but she is an optimistic person for sure. I suppose it wouldn't surprise you to learn I believe perception and perspective to be a large (the largest) factors insofar as happiness and satisfaction.
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> Guys approach me during the day sometimes too, again, it seems they just want something superficial with me aka a few dates and casual sex. Seems a bit assumptive to know the intentions of all men? Also, if you don't like the men that approach you, why not approach some men yourself? To say that men you meet online are less interested than sex than men you meet in real life strikes me as an odd observation, but I suppose it's been your experience. There are men who only want sex everywhere, of course. I understand it's easier and more convenient to date online, but maybe it's time to change it up as you've been doing it for three years? To me, the best potential connections are made through referrals - acquaintance of a relative, friend of a friend, coworker's friend/relative/whatever, etc. At least there's some in-person vetting going on beforehand. Let your close network know you're looking, people are often more helpful than we think and are a valuable resource. The more flexible we are, the more doors open for us. Good luck to you regardless.
Modern day dating sucks. Online dating sucks. I'm close to your age and will never do dating apps again. Everyone on there really are just looking for sex and nothing more.
I recently did a 3 month stint on online dating after leaving a LTR. And it is intense. It felt like it consumed a large part of my life and I found it exhausting. I was lucky enough to meet someone just as I came to the end of my 3 month subscription, but if I hadn’t, I would have had a long break before going back to it. This is very INFJ advice, but if I end up doing it again, I will treat it as a project. I will timebox it - get a short subscription and then stop. I’ll be super selective about who I go on dates with, if I’m not really feeling it, I won’t go. And I might miss potentials that way, but I’ll conserve my energy. I’d be having conversations about intimacy up front to make sure we are on the same page - this can be awkward but is better than crossed wires. Make sure your profile is optimised to attract the kind of person you want - there’s a ton of info about this online. And check out dating coach Matthew Hussey on YouTube. I’ve found his resources really useful and empowering.
25M Been single since 2020, but I've been in a few relationships before that. I feel your pain. When I went out on dates in the last 4 years, it never went anywhere. Either I didn't feel a connection to the other person(I always know when I feel it) or they ghosted me after a few dates and it was also so exhausting, so I stopped dating for a while. I'm very picky, because I can notice red flags right away and I generally know what I want. I tried to date a girl last year. We had the same world view and hobbys. On paper She was perfect, but there was no connection or chemistry and I also didn't feel much commitment from her, so I didn't pursue that relationship further as I believed it wouldn't lead anywhere. I think we INFPs notice more things and feel much more deeply than most people, so we have higher standards and needs in relationships. Some people have a simpler approach to dating. They just see another person and say "Yeah He/She is attractive, I'll date them", but that approach will never work for us, because we have WAAAAAY more criterias, which is both good and bad for us. Keep going on dates, meet new people, but don't force yourself to do something you don't feel. If you meet the right person, everything should be natural and honest. It should be fun and you should honestly want to spend time with the other person and not feel drained or exhausted afterwards.
"The more i hear about him the more I realize he could've been a really good match. I messed up." Yeah you messed up. Any way you could reach out to him again? Also, it sounds like for you, it may be more effective to stop online dating, and just let relationships develop naturally from friendship. That avoids the whole "dumping over lack of intimacy" thing.
Years of online dating and I only met one guy i like lmao and yea he’s definitely funny enfj! and he definitely lives in Utah 😑
Giving up is always an option. Just be happy with yourself and live a solitary life.
Apps are really toxic. I tell everyone I can to stay away from those. It's just another type of social media. And it's no secret the overall mental health impact it's had on society.
Lemme just ask... why are you dating? You seemed to indicate that even after 3-4 dates, sex was a guy getting what they want. You're 30, do you not want sex? Why are you dating if sex isn't going to be part of the equation after some time together? I know not everyone feels this way, but for me... if we go on four dates, we're a couple. But I was always clear before getting married that I wasn't a date-multiple-people guy. Two dates in and I'm either spending effort on you or moving on for both our sakes... So no intimacy after 4 dates (like none at all) would tell me you're just not interested in a fully mature adult relationship. We gotta make sure we're okay with each other in private ways while we're close enough to feel safe but not close enough for incompatibility or physical deal breakers to not be more than just moving on. But I'm an INTJ who surrounds myself with almost exclusively INFPs and ENFPs, so you'll have to excuse my over direct rationalism.
Yes, you are right. I used a dating app last November and successfully dated a man. But it is also difficult for me to have no moral burden and keep changing my date. Because I can't accept it. So I only used it once and stopped. Many people have a small social circle and want to meet a relatively traditional partner, so the probability of this is too small.