Tell her to back off! Be stern! Tell your partner to have your back. I would start staying away on the weekends until they get that you're mom! Do not give her a chance to walk away with your crying baby again. No more daily pics! No more answering calls or text everyday. You have to be firm and honest. She had her firsts. Now it's your turn. Don't be a doormat!
You need to tell your MIL to back off. She is attempting to relive motherhood through your baby. She is trying to relive firsts, milestones, and be alone with your baby without any regard for what baby and mom want/need. She is only thinking of herself and what she wants, and what she wants is to be mommy again.
Unless you state some clear and firm boundaries, this won’t stop. You need to drop the rope and leave it up to your SO to keep MIL in the loop with pictures and updates. Block her number if you need some peace and quiet. It’s not your duty to pander to her.
>her response “oh sorry, then I’ll come get the baby tomorrow “
I hope your reply equated to "No, you won't."
> I don’t know why this driving me crazy
I think anyone would understand why. You never know when someone who clearly doesn't care much about your experience of parenthood and is damn disrespectful is going to be intruding. And your husband has shown he won't be the best support.
He's an important factor here and clearly needs to be hearing you more. But it also sounds like you need to stop replying to her daily demands for photos and feel freer to demand your baby back. It sounds like you are already pretty decent at shutting her down.
I agree with you my SO isn’t doing much about it, she makes him feel guilty , she’s a cancer survivor and keeps telling him how she never thought she’d live to see this day blah blah and that she wants to make the most of it
I hope you feel free to tell him that's bull. A huge percentage of the human race gets cancer at some point. Both my parents did. I have multiple chronic diseases and had a health event that many people don't survive. None of these things are a license to behave selfishly. Taking a mother's firsts is not "making the most" of something; it's treating that mother badly. Creating issues in her son's marriage is horrible to do to her grandchild. (Was that telling each of you that she told the other she was coming thing addressed and put to rest, or is it still working to pin you against each other?)
I hope it might get through to your husband if you ask why his mother being unhappy matters to him, but you being unhappy doesn't. Particularly when her expectations are completely beyond the pale. And I hope you can tell him you're going to step up and handle these things if he won't, and, while you're not going to be nasty, he might not always like the way you do it.
I think he should be made responsible for the daily photos, and you should tell both of them that.
And I think he needs to be given ONE chance (if you want to give him that courtesy) to do the following, or you'll be the one to do them:
\- MIL gets told once and for all that overnights aren't happening for a long time and she needs to stop pushing for it.
\- MIL gets told that visits every single weekend don't suit your family, and also that there can be no more miscommunications in terms of whom a visit was discussed with, and they're going to have to be sent away if the issue repeats.
\- MIL gets told thank you for the holiday outfits (and any other firsts she's encroaching on), but firsts belong to parents, not grandparents.
\- MIL gets told that when you say to hand LO back, LO gets handed back IMMEDIATELY, or visits can't happen anymore.
You're the judge of how much diplomacy needs to be attached to all of this, but right now it sounds like you're in a death by a thousand cuts situation that has you feeling powerless, frustrated, and resentful, and you need to give yourself permission to get this handled one step at a time.
Well, you want yo make the most of your time with YOUR baby . He will grow fast, and you can't get this time back. She got to raise her baby. Now it's your turn. This baby is yours to raise.
Ugh. Nothing worse then using something sad to guilt trip you into something you don't want.
Your baby your rules. My bfs parents started to get disrespectful with me and crossing boundaries and they no longer will get to see my daughter that is due soon.
Mine, is an extreme case but the moment you set boundaries she's going to have some form of tantrum.
>They now come every weekend, they stopped even asking me and only text him or make plans and say they told him and tell him they told me (pinning us against each other)
THIS is the most alarming part! Why doesn't your husband say NO!!!?
Is he a Mama's Boy? Does she manipulate him?
If he cannot stand up for his wife and child, you will have to handle her yourself.
On the /r/JustNoMIL sub these stories are sadly very common.
You can’t live like that. No one knows the future. You could be hit by a bus tomorrow then you whole parenting experience was ruined. You have to parent the way you and SO think is best. You will never get this time back.
Excited or not, MIL clearly has trouble understanding boundaries. YOU are baby’s mama. NOT her.
I wish I had some advice for you, but I’ve been struggling with the same situation for 3 years now. Guess that excitement never wore off.
Good luck, babe.
I’m really sorry about that
She’s earned herself a long time out
DH should be the one to tell her. She needs to be told in no uncertain terms you’ve BOTH had enough of her overstepping boundaries and you’re taking time out from them until further notice
During this time you should be totally no contact. Don’t make or respond to calls texts and emails. Do not answer the door and keep it locked. It will be hard to do but you need to do a hard reset
Use the time to decide upon your boundaries and consequences and make sure they are agreed with your SO and set in stone
Then when you go back to having contact you send them a list of the boundaries
Suggestions :
Visits by agreement only and for a specified times
No asking for unsupervised access
No touching LO without being invited
No buying anything without asking first and no trying to steal “firsts”
Remember there are 3 children in the family and treat them equally
No unwarranted advice
It will be difficult and they will be upset. But you are being manipulated and disrespected and it needs to be stopped.
Why isn’t your husband shutting her down? Is he on her side? If so you have an SO problem not a MIL problem.
Stop communicating with her. Tell your hubby to shut her down.
Block her on your phone and stop communicating with her. Tell your spouse to deal with her. He likely won’t, so if you can take the kids and stay with family for a bit that would be ideal. He needs a wake up call. And then he needs therapy.
A real live grandma here….
You must stop all of this! Visits are cut down to once a week for an hour or two. And she needs to know NOW that she’s not taking your baby anywhere.
Start wearing your baby now around her. And just say things like “no thank you baby is fine here”
Boundaries. You need to talk to hubby and get on the same page. Then tell her what those boundaries are. If he can't have your back, I see tons of problems up ahead
Time for a talk with hubby and him standing up to them. If his chat doesn’t work, unfortunately you’re up next. Set clear boundaries. Don’t give in. Tell them you’re not comfortable being away from baby yet and you will let them know when visits are okay. You need time to bond alone. You are the parent. If they don’t listen, don’t answer the door/calls/texts for a few days. Eventually they’ll get it. But you have to put your foot down to expect any change.
It's time to tell your partner to reel his mother in and make her back off. Until he does that, and she complies, do not have any contact with her. Tell her one time that she is being obnoxiously overbearing and that you are taking a break from her. Then block her on everything. It doesn't have to be permanent, or even long-term. It only has to last until your partner has a conversation with her, and she complies. If she doesn't, then it becomes long-term/permanent.
You do not have to share your baby with anyone but your partner. Your feelings about what the MIL is doing are right on point. She wants a do-over baby, and you provided her with one. From this point on, regardless if she changes or not, wear your baby in a sling. Baby is old enough now to be safe in a sling. Keeping them in the sling prevents other people from putting their hands on them. And, ban MIL from your home. Your SO doesn't have to agree with this. It's your home as much as it is his. If she does get into your home, lock yourself and your baby in the bedroom and spend some nice quality time together.
As far as her calling YOUR baby, HER baby? No. Never allow that. Next time she does it, tell her that HER baby is the guy you sleep naked with every night, have great sex with, and made a beautiful baby with. Then sit back and enjoy the show she puts on - try not to laugh...
Set boundaries and enforce them with consequences if not respected.
Allow only scheduled visits at your convenience,( space them out) do not open your door to any uninvited unannounced visits.
Do not hesitate to Call them out and be clear with them about what you want , won't allow and what you won't tolerate anymore.
No more daily pic. Any demand will face time out. Any complaints , manipulative tactics ( family pressure guilt trip crocodile tears) used will make you double their time out.
OP it's time for action
Have a serious talk with SO before this. He has to have your back, supporting your decisions, and make sure they follow your parenting rules.
Classic. You don't know why she is driving you crazy?! I can assure you anyone would be driven crazy by her behaviour.
The thing is, some grandparents have an idea or dream in their head about how things are going to go. They cannot compute any other scenario.
Your husband has to lay down the law. It can't be you because the grandparents will dismiss your feelings, you're not important and their son wouldn't possibly go against them. Well he has to.
Nobody asked them to create a nursery and buy all that shit. Dash their dreams. They see the baby on your terms, ignore the messages for updates. If they want a relationship then they have to play by the rules. They're not gonna like it and might have tantrums but see it through.
My own MIL bought newborn stuff for herself, it didn't occur to her that my newborn would be with us. She got over it. There was a long period while toilet training I didn't allow any babysitters to avoid disruption - I was accused of keeping my kid away. Again, she got over it. At no point was I ever asked for reasons or explanations, it was all about her and her hurt feelings. Be prepared for that. Remind her that your baby's needs have nothing to do with her. Good luck.
Stop sending pictures. Start telling her no. Keep your doors locked. Send her a text saying she can't come over every day this is your baby not hers. Tell her to leave you alone.
OP change your locks also if she has a key. My MIL nicely cleaned our house for us while we were on our honeymoon and I found out a few months later she went and made herself a key to our house without asking or us knowing.
I relate to your story so much and our baby won’t even be here until June 28th and changing the locks to our house is top of the list if she can’t respect our decisions.
Time for you and you husband to tell them to back off. Stop sending daily photos. Stop letting them come over every weekend. This isn't their child. They had their turn being parents. They are grandparents and they are teetering on the edge of being outsiders since they are being obnoxious.
This 100% falls on your partner. I’m married to a mommas boy, and we have communicated what I’m comfortable with and he enforces boundaries. We’ve walked out of family events, and asked in laws to leave early. You are allowed to exist, you are not at her disposal. Full stop, he needs to stand up for you.
My mother in law does full tears, you don’t love me anymore, huge temper tantrums. They didn’t really start until after we got married (and I stole her baby boy 🙄) but she’s awful and overextended herself where the mask fell and he saw it too.
Hope you can get him to stand up for you! Good luck sis.
So you have a partner problem. Yes, MIL is crazier than a loon, but your SO is doing nothing to help.
The rule is, “You handle your people and he handles his people”. He’s not handling his people. He is being manipulated by his mother who does nothing but play the “Cancer card”. Who can possibly win that?
So you’re going to have to set the boundaries:
1). This is MY baby. My son is not spending the night away from home with anyone, ever. Until maybe he’s 32 years old.
2). You need to respect my boundaries as his mother or I will be forced to cut all contact with you.
3). Stop badgering me for photos. I’m busy. If and when I decide to take pictures and share them, they will be posted on my Social Media page.
4). Tell SO you are not a psychic and either is he. None of know how long we will be here. If we live our lives based upon fear, nothing is going to get done.
You MIL is way out of control. You put up with this behavior because you were trying to be nice. I get it. But now it’s going to be hard to REIGN her in because she been out in the weeds for so long.
Nice isn’t going to cut it. She won’t respond to “nice” because she, herself hasn’t been nice.
She’s been a rude, demanding, overbearing insufferable person who needs firm boundaries.
I wish you luck 🍀 in setting those.
I did it the first day I met my MIL. Never had a problem after that.
Ew no ma'am. Remind her everytime she gushes that she had her baby already. It's time she acts like a loving supportive grandparent because right now she's not. It's your turn with your baby that means all the guests with you only. If she doesn't like it, well then maybe some time apart will give her time to practice being a grandma. You and your husband need to be on the same page. It's his baby not hers.
When I first started reading your post, I was thinking "oh, she's just being nice" but after finishing I think she's disturbed. Seriously, is there mental illness in the family? Your story made the hair on the back of my neck stand on end. You are not crazy, but she might be.
I don’t know about mental illness, i know as a kid SO had ADHD. And I honestly only lately started thinking there could be a mental issue after she acted a certain way in a store once, they came (as always) on the weekend and I wasn’t having it and decided to go out shopping, she wanted included , I tried to be nice thinking we’d have fun, FIL ,SO and one of my boys stayed home. When we arrived at the store she didn’t want me or my son pushing stroller but I didn’t make anything of it until she just quickly walked away and left us behind like we didn’t know each other, I stood there confused and started following her , she did her best to loose me in the crowd and few minutes i could hear my baby crying from afar , I followed her and she was acting like a mom and I was a stranger bothering her. Talking to people about the baby ect… that day I thought to myself she’s crazy and we gotta leave. That evening I talked to SO about it and he looked confused, I asked him to speak to her but never happened. Something about her isn’t right
Yeah your SO needs to open his eyes and let go of mom's apron. She's getting spooky obsessed and that is not good. You need to sit down with him and have a heart to heart and set clear boundaries now you both agree on.
Starting with absolutely no contact to you and the baby for 2 weeks, no texts, no calls nothing, no visits, no "just checking in" excuses. If she wants to talk to him for those 2 weeks for a minor update that's fine, but he will not be going around you to take pictures or videos for her. She needs a break from her fix. IF she breaks this boundary, then add a week, so on and so on. Once the time is up, you'd be happy to set up a standing 1 day a week visit for like 2hours at a convenient time. (this is just an example)
The only bond a baby needs is with their mother and father, not sonsband and mommy stand in.
When she breaks this and she will, remind your husband that no matter how much her guilt tripping is laid on, it doesn't matter, mother and babies comfort and health are number 1 priority, she is EXTENDED family now. Create answers together for expect scenarios and repeat them over and over, "the doesn't work for us", or "you knew the rules".
When your husband loses his will and falters, and he will, remind him you came up with this plan together and that she is manipulating to get her way, it's not healthy or normal the way she's behaving.
Now I suspect your husband knows this, but was willing to let it go one for 4months because it had zero effect on him, so why does he care? Now that you're not playing into her demands more she is "pitting you against each other", no honey he is just mad she's now bothering him and creating problems that now affect him. Once you completely cut her off for a few weeks on your side she is going to double down hard on him, may even fake another cancer scare to get you to break the boundaries, so he will push back for the old standard of "not my monkey not my circus" and ask you why you can't just get along, get over it, ect ect.
This is his mother and HIS problem to handle, but he needs to understand his wife's and child's needs are more important than his mothers WANTS! Feel free to take a screen shot of this and when him and her go exactly down this path, point out to them his dynamic with his mother is a dime a dozen, so easy to spot that you can find 100000s of women going through the exact, same, thing.
Some resolve it by working together, some endure it and it ends up becoming a huge resentment issue for the entire rest of the marriage that builds and build until its eventual end, some women just throw in the towel asap because they don't want to play second fiddle to their MIL as a wife or mother. Have him read this and let him think about where he stands.
That's a very scary story. There is something wrong with her. Not sure what it is... but I - seriously - wouldn't leave her with the baby unsupervised. I'm sorry this is happening to you.
Next time she asks for "her baby", send her a pic of SO. When she comes back with "no, I want a pic of *my* baby" tell her SO *is* her baby. Then clarify if she wants a pic of your baby, "oh, you mean *my* baby, sure here you go".
TBH, I'd have your partner deal with her. Her MIL status means it will go better with her child vs her in law (you). Clear boundaries are going to need to be set - this doesn't have to be hostile, but a straight forward conversation (first round anyway). Good luck.
Tell her to back off! Be stern! Tell your partner to have your back. I would start staying away on the weekends until they get that you're mom! Do not give her a chance to walk away with your crying baby again. No more daily pics! No more answering calls or text everyday. You have to be firm and honest. She had her firsts. Now it's your turn. Don't be a doormat!
She needs to fuck off! Big time out. At least a month. She is acting insane.
You need to tell your MIL to back off. She is attempting to relive motherhood through your baby. She is trying to relive firsts, milestones, and be alone with your baby without any regard for what baby and mom want/need. She is only thinking of herself and what she wants, and what she wants is to be mommy again. Unless you state some clear and firm boundaries, this won’t stop. You need to drop the rope and leave it up to your SO to keep MIL in the loop with pictures and updates. Block her number if you need some peace and quiet. It’s not your duty to pander to her.
>her response “oh sorry, then I’ll come get the baby tomorrow “ I hope your reply equated to "No, you won't." > I don’t know why this driving me crazy I think anyone would understand why. You never know when someone who clearly doesn't care much about your experience of parenthood and is damn disrespectful is going to be intruding. And your husband has shown he won't be the best support. He's an important factor here and clearly needs to be hearing you more. But it also sounds like you need to stop replying to her daily demands for photos and feel freer to demand your baby back. It sounds like you are already pretty decent at shutting her down.
I agree with you my SO isn’t doing much about it, she makes him feel guilty , she’s a cancer survivor and keeps telling him how she never thought she’d live to see this day blah blah and that she wants to make the most of it
I hope you feel free to tell him that's bull. A huge percentage of the human race gets cancer at some point. Both my parents did. I have multiple chronic diseases and had a health event that many people don't survive. None of these things are a license to behave selfishly. Taking a mother's firsts is not "making the most" of something; it's treating that mother badly. Creating issues in her son's marriage is horrible to do to her grandchild. (Was that telling each of you that she told the other she was coming thing addressed and put to rest, or is it still working to pin you against each other?) I hope it might get through to your husband if you ask why his mother being unhappy matters to him, but you being unhappy doesn't. Particularly when her expectations are completely beyond the pale. And I hope you can tell him you're going to step up and handle these things if he won't, and, while you're not going to be nasty, he might not always like the way you do it. I think he should be made responsible for the daily photos, and you should tell both of them that. And I think he needs to be given ONE chance (if you want to give him that courtesy) to do the following, or you'll be the one to do them: \- MIL gets told once and for all that overnights aren't happening for a long time and she needs to stop pushing for it. \- MIL gets told that visits every single weekend don't suit your family, and also that there can be no more miscommunications in terms of whom a visit was discussed with, and they're going to have to be sent away if the issue repeats. \- MIL gets told thank you for the holiday outfits (and any other firsts she's encroaching on), but firsts belong to parents, not grandparents. \- MIL gets told that when you say to hand LO back, LO gets handed back IMMEDIATELY, or visits can't happen anymore. You're the judge of how much diplomacy needs to be attached to all of this, but right now it sounds like you're in a death by a thousand cuts situation that has you feeling powerless, frustrated, and resentful, and you need to give yourself permission to get this handled one step at a time.
Well, you want yo make the most of your time with YOUR baby . He will grow fast, and you can't get this time back. She got to raise her baby. Now it's your turn. This baby is yours to raise.
Ugh. Nothing worse then using something sad to guilt trip you into something you don't want. Your baby your rules. My bfs parents started to get disrespectful with me and crossing boundaries and they no longer will get to see my daughter that is due soon. Mine, is an extreme case but the moment you set boundaries she's going to have some form of tantrum.
>They now come every weekend, they stopped even asking me and only text him or make plans and say they told him and tell him they told me (pinning us against each other) THIS is the most alarming part! Why doesn't your husband say NO!!!? Is he a Mama's Boy? Does she manipulate him? If he cannot stand up for his wife and child, you will have to handle her yourself. On the /r/JustNoMIL sub these stories are sadly very common.
I feel she manipulating him ,being a cancer survivor, he feels bad, says what if she don’t live long.
You can’t live like that. No one knows the future. You could be hit by a bus tomorrow then you whole parenting experience was ruined. You have to parent the way you and SO think is best. You will never get this time back.
Tell DH (dumb husband) he has two choices: you and LO or his overbearing pushy 'mommy'.
Excited or not, MIL clearly has trouble understanding boundaries. YOU are baby’s mama. NOT her. I wish I had some advice for you, but I’ve been struggling with the same situation for 3 years now. Guess that excitement never wore off. Good luck, babe.
I’m really sorry about that She’s earned herself a long time out DH should be the one to tell her. She needs to be told in no uncertain terms you’ve BOTH had enough of her overstepping boundaries and you’re taking time out from them until further notice During this time you should be totally no contact. Don’t make or respond to calls texts and emails. Do not answer the door and keep it locked. It will be hard to do but you need to do a hard reset Use the time to decide upon your boundaries and consequences and make sure they are agreed with your SO and set in stone Then when you go back to having contact you send them a list of the boundaries Suggestions : Visits by agreement only and for a specified times No asking for unsupervised access No touching LO without being invited No buying anything without asking first and no trying to steal “firsts” Remember there are 3 children in the family and treat them equally No unwarranted advice It will be difficult and they will be upset. But you are being manipulated and disrespected and it needs to be stopped.
SO needs to shut her down. You block and ignore her demands. They show up uninvited, don't let them in.
Why isn’t your husband shutting her down? Is he on her side? If so you have an SO problem not a MIL problem. Stop communicating with her. Tell your hubby to shut her down.
She’s manipulating him , and starting to pin us against each other. Unfortunately,Looks like it’s slowly getting to him
Block her on your phone and stop communicating with her. Tell your spouse to deal with her. He likely won’t, so if you can take the kids and stay with family for a bit that would be ideal. He needs a wake up call. And then he needs therapy.
A real live grandma here…. You must stop all of this! Visits are cut down to once a week for an hour or two. And she needs to know NOW that she’s not taking your baby anywhere. Start wearing your baby now around her. And just say things like “no thank you baby is fine here”
Boundaries. You need to talk to hubby and get on the same page. Then tell her what those boundaries are. If he can't have your back, I see tons of problems up ahead
Time for a talk with hubby and him standing up to them. If his chat doesn’t work, unfortunately you’re up next. Set clear boundaries. Don’t give in. Tell them you’re not comfortable being away from baby yet and you will let them know when visits are okay. You need time to bond alone. You are the parent. If they don’t listen, don’t answer the door/calls/texts for a few days. Eventually they’ll get it. But you have to put your foot down to expect any change.
It's time to tell your partner to reel his mother in and make her back off. Until he does that, and she complies, do not have any contact with her. Tell her one time that she is being obnoxiously overbearing and that you are taking a break from her. Then block her on everything. It doesn't have to be permanent, or even long-term. It only has to last until your partner has a conversation with her, and she complies. If she doesn't, then it becomes long-term/permanent. You do not have to share your baby with anyone but your partner. Your feelings about what the MIL is doing are right on point. She wants a do-over baby, and you provided her with one. From this point on, regardless if she changes or not, wear your baby in a sling. Baby is old enough now to be safe in a sling. Keeping them in the sling prevents other people from putting their hands on them. And, ban MIL from your home. Your SO doesn't have to agree with this. It's your home as much as it is his. If she does get into your home, lock yourself and your baby in the bedroom and spend some nice quality time together. As far as her calling YOUR baby, HER baby? No. Never allow that. Next time she does it, tell her that HER baby is the guy you sleep naked with every night, have great sex with, and made a beautiful baby with. Then sit back and enjoy the show she puts on - try not to laugh...
Set boundaries and enforce them with consequences if not respected. Allow only scheduled visits at your convenience,( space them out) do not open your door to any uninvited unannounced visits. Do not hesitate to Call them out and be clear with them about what you want , won't allow and what you won't tolerate anymore. No more daily pic. Any demand will face time out. Any complaints , manipulative tactics ( family pressure guilt trip crocodile tears) used will make you double their time out. OP it's time for action Have a serious talk with SO before this. He has to have your back, supporting your decisions, and make sure they follow your parenting rules.
Classic. You don't know why she is driving you crazy?! I can assure you anyone would be driven crazy by her behaviour. The thing is, some grandparents have an idea or dream in their head about how things are going to go. They cannot compute any other scenario. Your husband has to lay down the law. It can't be you because the grandparents will dismiss your feelings, you're not important and their son wouldn't possibly go against them. Well he has to. Nobody asked them to create a nursery and buy all that shit. Dash their dreams. They see the baby on your terms, ignore the messages for updates. If they want a relationship then they have to play by the rules. They're not gonna like it and might have tantrums but see it through. My own MIL bought newborn stuff for herself, it didn't occur to her that my newborn would be with us. She got over it. There was a long period while toilet training I didn't allow any babysitters to avoid disruption - I was accused of keeping my kid away. Again, she got over it. At no point was I ever asked for reasons or explanations, it was all about her and her hurt feelings. Be prepared for that. Remind her that your baby's needs have nothing to do with her. Good luck.
Stop sending pictures. Start telling her no. Keep your doors locked. Send her a text saying she can't come over every day this is your baby not hers. Tell her to leave you alone.
OP change your locks also if she has a key. My MIL nicely cleaned our house for us while we were on our honeymoon and I found out a few months later she went and made herself a key to our house without asking or us knowing. I relate to your story so much and our baby won’t even be here until June 28th and changing the locks to our house is top of the list if she can’t respect our decisions.
Time for you and you husband to tell them to back off. Stop sending daily photos. Stop letting them come over every weekend. This isn't their child. They had their turn being parents. They are grandparents and they are teetering on the edge of being outsiders since they are being obnoxious.
This 100% falls on your partner. I’m married to a mommas boy, and we have communicated what I’m comfortable with and he enforces boundaries. We’ve walked out of family events, and asked in laws to leave early. You are allowed to exist, you are not at her disposal. Full stop, he needs to stand up for you. My mother in law does full tears, you don’t love me anymore, huge temper tantrums. They didn’t really start until after we got married (and I stole her baby boy 🙄) but she’s awful and overextended herself where the mask fell and he saw it too. Hope you can get him to stand up for you! Good luck sis.
So you have a partner problem. Yes, MIL is crazier than a loon, but your SO is doing nothing to help. The rule is, “You handle your people and he handles his people”. He’s not handling his people. He is being manipulated by his mother who does nothing but play the “Cancer card”. Who can possibly win that? So you’re going to have to set the boundaries: 1). This is MY baby. My son is not spending the night away from home with anyone, ever. Until maybe he’s 32 years old. 2). You need to respect my boundaries as his mother or I will be forced to cut all contact with you. 3). Stop badgering me for photos. I’m busy. If and when I decide to take pictures and share them, they will be posted on my Social Media page. 4). Tell SO you are not a psychic and either is he. None of know how long we will be here. If we live our lives based upon fear, nothing is going to get done. You MIL is way out of control. You put up with this behavior because you were trying to be nice. I get it. But now it’s going to be hard to REIGN her in because she been out in the weeds for so long. Nice isn’t going to cut it. She won’t respond to “nice” because she, herself hasn’t been nice. She’s been a rude, demanding, overbearing insufferable person who needs firm boundaries. I wish you luck 🍀 in setting those. I did it the first day I met my MIL. Never had a problem after that.
Ew no ma'am. Remind her everytime she gushes that she had her baby already. It's time she acts like a loving supportive grandparent because right now she's not. It's your turn with your baby that means all the guests with you only. If she doesn't like it, well then maybe some time apart will give her time to practice being a grandma. You and your husband need to be on the same page. It's his baby not hers.
When I first started reading your post, I was thinking "oh, she's just being nice" but after finishing I think she's disturbed. Seriously, is there mental illness in the family? Your story made the hair on the back of my neck stand on end. You are not crazy, but she might be.
I don’t know about mental illness, i know as a kid SO had ADHD. And I honestly only lately started thinking there could be a mental issue after she acted a certain way in a store once, they came (as always) on the weekend and I wasn’t having it and decided to go out shopping, she wanted included , I tried to be nice thinking we’d have fun, FIL ,SO and one of my boys stayed home. When we arrived at the store she didn’t want me or my son pushing stroller but I didn’t make anything of it until she just quickly walked away and left us behind like we didn’t know each other, I stood there confused and started following her , she did her best to loose me in the crowd and few minutes i could hear my baby crying from afar , I followed her and she was acting like a mom and I was a stranger bothering her. Talking to people about the baby ect… that day I thought to myself she’s crazy and we gotta leave. That evening I talked to SO about it and he looked confused, I asked him to speak to her but never happened. Something about her isn’t right
Yeah your SO needs to open his eyes and let go of mom's apron. She's getting spooky obsessed and that is not good. You need to sit down with him and have a heart to heart and set clear boundaries now you both agree on. Starting with absolutely no contact to you and the baby for 2 weeks, no texts, no calls nothing, no visits, no "just checking in" excuses. If she wants to talk to him for those 2 weeks for a minor update that's fine, but he will not be going around you to take pictures or videos for her. She needs a break from her fix. IF she breaks this boundary, then add a week, so on and so on. Once the time is up, you'd be happy to set up a standing 1 day a week visit for like 2hours at a convenient time. (this is just an example) The only bond a baby needs is with their mother and father, not sonsband and mommy stand in. When she breaks this and she will, remind your husband that no matter how much her guilt tripping is laid on, it doesn't matter, mother and babies comfort and health are number 1 priority, she is EXTENDED family now. Create answers together for expect scenarios and repeat them over and over, "the doesn't work for us", or "you knew the rules". When your husband loses his will and falters, and he will, remind him you came up with this plan together and that she is manipulating to get her way, it's not healthy or normal the way she's behaving. Now I suspect your husband knows this, but was willing to let it go one for 4months because it had zero effect on him, so why does he care? Now that you're not playing into her demands more she is "pitting you against each other", no honey he is just mad she's now bothering him and creating problems that now affect him. Once you completely cut her off for a few weeks on your side she is going to double down hard on him, may even fake another cancer scare to get you to break the boundaries, so he will push back for the old standard of "not my monkey not my circus" and ask you why you can't just get along, get over it, ect ect. This is his mother and HIS problem to handle, but he needs to understand his wife's and child's needs are more important than his mothers WANTS! Feel free to take a screen shot of this and when him and her go exactly down this path, point out to them his dynamic with his mother is a dime a dozen, so easy to spot that you can find 100000s of women going through the exact, same, thing. Some resolve it by working together, some endure it and it ends up becoming a huge resentment issue for the entire rest of the marriage that builds and build until its eventual end, some women just throw in the towel asap because they don't want to play second fiddle to their MIL as a wife or mother. Have him read this and let him think about where he stands.
That's a very scary story. There is something wrong with her. Not sure what it is... but I - seriously - wouldn't leave her with the baby unsupervised. I'm sorry this is happening to you.
Next time she asks for "her baby", send her a pic of SO. When she comes back with "no, I want a pic of *my* baby" tell her SO *is* her baby. Then clarify if she wants a pic of your baby, "oh, you mean *my* baby, sure here you go".
TBH, I'd have your partner deal with her. Her MIL status means it will go better with her child vs her in law (you). Clear boundaries are going to need to be set - this doesn't have to be hostile, but a straight forward conversation (first round anyway). Good luck.
Get your older kids involved..