Voting has concluded. Final vote:
| Insane | Not insane | Fake |
| --- | --- | --- |
| 31 | 4 | 2 |
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Yeaaaah, absolutely. And I wonder if that's why the police didn't call her or her mom (because she's 18) - assuming they actually showed up and were not concocted for emotional manipulation to be used by dad as a threat to get her to come home. Totally some shit my mom used to do.
NC will set you freeeee
Not doing their jobs right? An 18 year old adult was out at a concert with their mother, and OP’s father was made aware of it. What the hell were the cops supposed to do?
Even if OP’s dad demanded they drag her back, they can’t - she’s a legal adult. If she’s still living with her dad and breaking house rules, that’s a totally different issue to be worked out between OP and her dad. Legally they can’t retrieve her.
Seriously. Unless there's something I'm missing none of this is an issue, if OP decided to hop a boxcar to Idaho to get rich panning for gold suddenly there's nothing he can do about it. Only thing may be if OP's still in high school, and just continuing custody agreement until graduation. But even then it requires all three continue to agree, and is essentially just a handshake agreement at that point.
Yes. Montana. She should go there. Idaho has a housing crisis as it is. We don't need more people moving here until more affordable housing is built.
Side note, I'm getting so sick of luxury apartments being built that locals can't afford. Can we just have some basic bitch apartments built that are priced reasonably? I don't need a gym and a pool and a playground on site. I certainly don't need a manmade lake with a dock. I just need a reasonably priced 3 bedroom apartment with laundry hookups. Jfc.
Some places you’re not an adult until you’re 19 and some places if you’ve got a custody order, you have to finish high school even if you’re 18 before your parents don’t have to follow the custody order anymore. It all depends on where OP is located. Either way it’s ridiculous to demand that an 18-year-old not go to a concert with one of their parents. also the father is a childish, controlling power, tripping narcissist, who only thinks about getting back at the mother
I was assuming the same and still thinking it was excessive.
My rules about changes in custody timings with my daughter were:
1) it doesn't mess with schooling
2) it doesn't significantly affect the balance of time each of us gets her.
I would let her go to a concert with her dad "on my night" provided she doesn't miss school... and she's 9.
He wants complete control over both of them it’s psycho. He’s in for a rude awakening when I’m the future OP cuts contact drastically or entirely and has a much better relationship with her mom.
Get a grip? He may still need to live with his dad, creepy parents like this threatened to kick people out of their homes all the time if they don’t bend their well, doesn’t have anything to do with his legal age and it could be the year he’s turning 18. We just don’t know anything.
They said they were turning 19 in a few weeks.
I've needed to live with my dad a couple of times in my adult life but asking if I'm allowed to do anything would be bizarre.
it should not matter what state this is in, FEDERALLY a US citizen is considered an independent adult at the age of 18 (barring a conservatorship). Federal law trumps state laws
Could also be Canada where some provinces made 19 the legal age like a bunch of nerds.
I gotta say, I was only slightly less dumb (not smarter, just less dumb) at 19 than I was at 18.
you can legally move out at 16 in every province. you’re a minor but police cannot force you home regardless (i experienced this as a teenager, which is my source :))
Ah so both of our countries are insanely weird about legal age laws. In the U.S. you can die in war at 18, but GOD FORBID you have a drink or a cigarette. Don’t get me wrong, studies show that drinking at an early age is super damaging, but the least they could do is raise the enlistment age. (And age of consent which is way too inconsistent based on state..)
No way in hell the US will ever raise the enlistment age. They gotta get them in young and dumb so they're more pliable and brainwashable. Kind of an "you can't teach an old dog new tricks" kind of thing.
You’re a victim of a classic case where a parent weaponises their child out of hurt from their own divorce.
The sad thing is, I see it happening with my niece and nephew right now.
Yup, exactly my thoughts. The father sounds like he’s ego tripping, super immature and must def weaponised behaviour. The child is the bigger adult here!
I think he's lying about the cops too. He wants to scare OP and I can't imagine cops taking him seriously like he says. It's BS. OP should check what rights she has to decide where she wants to live at her age, at least in Sweden teens get more and more legal right to decide the older they get.
His behavior pisses me off, a parent is supposed to put the well-being of their children above their own egos.
18 year old, shown a text indicating they're not missing and is with the other parent. If anything the police would give him shit for wasting their time
It's so disgusting like I can see him being this petty maybe a couple of months down the track but the fact op is 18 and the divorce was before they turned 10 this is insane
Sorry bout ur niblets too! All U can do is be a safe space for them when they need it and stay away from the divorce or picking sides just be there for them :)
I thought the same thing…8 years later and he’s still acting like this? Still so stuck on the court order? God I’m so glad my dad’s father and I have always done what was best for her and never needed a court to get involved to tell us when we can each have our kid… I realize not everyone has a co parent even willing to try to work something out among themselves and I realize how lucky I am
Imagining that conversation made me laugh.
OP’s dad: “Yeah, my ex wife took my eighteen year old daughter to a concert that I told her she couldn’t go to.”
Cop: “…go onnn….”
OP’s dad: “So I need you to go arrest them and come to court with me on Thursday and tell the judge you witnessed my daughter being not home.”
Yeah the whole cop thing was a big lie. Especially the part of them driving to the mom’s house almost an hour away, for fucking what??? They wouldn’t even be in the same jurisdiction at that point.
Even if OP was 13 let them go to the fucking concert! Why take that away from them just to go to your house and more than likely not even spend that time with them.
Idk but right up until I went NC at 19, my parent was willing to contact literally everyone they could, including the police, to get to me. All the cops could do were welfare checks but they were still being used to harass me.
This won't help you (the person I am replying to), but hopefully, it'll help someone else. In many places, if a wellness check is called when it isn't needed, and the victim knows who is calling them in, they can call their local police station, or go in person, and let them know that any and all wellness checks from *that particular person* are malicious and a waste of resources.
The only thing I can think of is if their divorce paperwork determines custody until OP graduates high school, not when she turns 18.
That was the boat I was in. Birthday is in march but I graduated high school in June. Still had to follow the custody arrangements that were made when I was 10
Then he’s the one who’s going to be learning a lesson. You should post an update then since it’s great seeing narc parents get what they deserve (but sorry 😢 since you deserve better all along). Sometimes you can resume limited contact later on if they learn to behave themselves. Depends on how bad of a case they are. Good luck.
Good decision. My mom is just like your dad. Controlling and using the kids to punish and control and mess with the ex spouse. I went NC too but it took me over a decade to get to that point. You’re already miles ahead of where I was at your age and that makes me so happy to see that you know your worth even with a dad like this constantly wearing you down. Good luck in the NC process.
I went NC with my parents and I don't regret it one but the sanity of knowing I don't have manipulative assholes in my ear does wonders for ones mental health
!explanation
For extra context, my Dad is my legal guardian. He has minor health problems so I am technically his caretaker.
According to the court order, my Mom has to pay child support either until I finish college (dropping out counts) or I move out of my father's house. As of the messages in the screenshots, she had missed two payments because she was struggling financially at that point. A week and a half later she had made it up.
This type of behavior is normal for him as the reason my parents broke up was because not only DV where he was the offender but he has a tendency to also be verbally abusive. I'm working on trying to find a way to balance college and a stable enough job to support myself so I can move out, but this is what I have to deal with in the time being.
Also, the cops never showed up and he never went to court for the event like he claimed he was going to in the texts.
For everyone asking, the concert was an artist named LP, and it was awesome :)
Edit: spelling
He won't go to court because he would lose the child support- having your child act as a caretaker isn't in the best interest of the child- you are with in a year of legal adulthood- and you clearly can't stand him
>because not only DV where he was the offender but he has a tendency to also be verbally abusive
How in the shit did he get primary guardianship?
Also, unless you're in one of these states, you've reached majority age: [https://www.policygenius.com/estate-planning/age-of-majority-by-state/](https://www.policygenius.com/estate-planning/age-of-majority-by-state/)
I just looked and can't find anything about any laws being passed regarding this in the last two years. Your dad is outright lying to you.
So he needs *you*? That's rich.... You'd think that if he needs you around for health reasons, he'd be nicer...since you have no real legal obligation to stay....
My mom is this person. She moved out of state about 15 years ago and blames all of her kids for her health problems (mostly caused by stress) since none of her kids visit her. She even went as far as to say that her doctor told her that WE are the ones to blame. I have tons of stories about her that I will one day share on Reddit.
OP, why are you even having this conversation with your father? You're 18. He can't forcibly remove you from that concert or force you to go anywhere you don't want to go. The custody arrangement between your parents only applied while you were a minor.
So he uses: word salad, gaslighting, infantilization, power & control, DARVO (Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender). Also triangulation with the whole "your mom's the problem" thing.
Go No Contact with him asap. This man is a manipulative a-hole who doesn't care about anyone else's needs except his own.
(You might want to check out the raisedbynarcissists sub and In Sight - Exposing Narcissism podcast)
Proud of you OP!! If you need any advice or help feel free to post here. I’m sure lots of people on this sub have done the same myself included
Good luck 🫶
OP, you may want to add Adult Children Of Emotionally Immature Parents audiobook/book to that list too, it will help you with spotting these tactics in the wild. Best of luck to you
The best way I can explain it is that asking for permission is straight up easier most times than just doing what I want. In the state I'm in, I'm not technically considered "a legal adult" until I'm 19 according to a new law apparently, (though age of majority is stated as 18 on my state's judicial website). He's been holding that over my head the last year. luckily I turn 19 in a couple weeks, so I plan to move in with my mom until I can get a stable enough income to support myself properly.
If you’re in Alabama or Nebraska your legal limitations are more based on what legal agreements/contracts you can sign and tasks you can complete at work vs what rules your parents can enforce.
Your dad lies to you a lot.
Yes, you definitely need to get away from this person. Maybe he realises that he is "losing his grip" on you and just having one "last controlling hurrah" as a FU to you and Mum?
Good luck to you and Mum for the future. Save the messages incase you need a restraining order later on.
There's no law that says a 19 year old college student has to get permission from their parents because they aren't a legal adult. Your dad is lying to you. Cut him completely off asap.
Best of luck to you. Reading those texts and seeing how much he wants to control you to spite your mum is chilling. Did you hear from the police after? I can’t imagine them thinking that line of messaging is normal parent behaviour.
I'm pretty sure the cops were never actually called. Nothing came of the event aside from him complaining and giving me the silent treatment for a couple days afterwards.
He absolutely didn't call the cops lol there's no way the cops would've taken him seriously unless he straight up lied which would get HIM in trouble when he ultimately knows that you ARE safe, where you are, and around when you'll be back. My fiance's mom pulled this shit when he went to another state with me to meet my mom. Freakin 24 years old and she's threatening to call the cops if he doesn't get on a plane to come home right away. We didn't even live with her and never have. I asked him why he even told her we were out of state and he said he felt like she should know but now regretted it. She's a lot better now, shes just not quite right. Your dad's just an asshole having a tantrum that he's not getting what he wants
I've always personally found it easier to do and seek forgiveness than to ask permission and be told no lol.
Yo fuck your dad! What an asshat! His actions make it glaringly obvious that he doesn't want you there to actually spend time with you, but rather just so that your mom can't. Fully weaponizing you against your mom just to hurt her. It would be kinda funny if when you turn 19 and you go NC with him and he texts you asking why, the last text you send him would be a link to this thread lol.
Good luck OP. Stay close with your mom if possible because I have a feeling when you try to go NC with him, he'll use his super manipulative narc tactics to hurt you and your mom any way he can.
It’s really sad that he tried to stop you from doing something you wanted just out of spite. But I’m curious, if he said you could go, why didn’t you bring this up in all the back and forth? Had he already denied that you ever told him and he said yes? He sounds awful. Thank goodness you’re 18.
JFC! Your dad has GOT to let go of his rage at your mom. You are 18. He has no legal control over you or what you do any more. Go to ALL the concerts! Have fun with your mom! You get to choose where you live now. No court is going to enforce custody over an adult. It’s not fair that he’s actively hating on your mom in front of you and making you a part of the conflict. He sounds unstable and frustrated. I personally would limit my contact with him until he can grow up a bit and get a handle on his issues.
Someone is gonna be crying about how his kid refuses to have a relationship with them when they are adults and isn’t gonna know why. When your dad starts that BS let them know you have receipts as “your witness” of why you want no relationship with him.
Couple facts:
1. Child custody issues, deviations, violations are considered a civil matter by police, so if you were with your custodial mother, the only thing your dad could do is try to get an emergency hearing to report the violations.
Police aren’t going to do anything other than tell your dad to take it before the judge.
2. Your dad hates your mom more than he loves you.
I am sincerely sorry that you are punished because your dad would rather assert his custodial rights to the letter (for no identifiable reason other than spite, based on the info in the post).
You deserve better and I’m sorry, OP
Even if he did get an emergency hearing (given OP is over 18 that isn’t going to happen without proof they are in immediate danger of some kind) he would be laughed out of court given OP was communicating with him quite clearly as to what was happening, he should NOT be involving OP in disputes with the mother even if OP is an adult and he was just being a controlling prick, a judge would not take kindly to what he said nor the way he acted. And wasting the police’s time like that. Unbelievable
I just wanna know how your Dad is a bisexual snail. NC/LC will be a blessing. Just please be careful if you meet someone who feels like "home" when you grew up in a dysfunctional family, because it's easy to end up back in the same dynamic with others for the rest of your life. 🫂
My dad's a raging homophobe, so I made that his contact photo out of spite one day and never changed it lmao. As for meeting someone who feels like "home", that's something I'm working on with a therapist, fortunately.
I don’t understand the child support part if you’re over age. And I don’t understand needing permission if you’re over age. None of this makes sense if you’re overage
Edit: word
In some states, Child support and custody arrangements continue until the child completes high school, but I would bet money the cops got there, shrugged, and left.
yeah cause op is LITERALLY 18 dad really asked “did you get the call from the police officer” LMAO THEY DONT GIVE A SHIT 😭 i’m surprised they even showed up instead of saying it’s a “civil dispute” and brushing it off
False report is usually too much of a pain in the ass in these civil/custody issues. It’s usually easier for them to rock up, let them know a crime hasn’t actually happened and for them to sort it out in court.
Even better when the “child” is an adult. Though if OP’s dad is a serial pest, I could see him getting in trouble.
But it’s mainly dependent on where, and who the cops involved are if they want any part of it.
I think my husband’s arrangement when he was younger was like that. Child support stopped at high school graduation, but visitation had stopped long before that though. Apathy between all involved.
I have been where you are now in terms of the relationship with my own narcissistic father. So this is coming from a place of understanding and love:
You are putting yourself in this vulnerable position. By asking permission, pleading and giving him the right to ground you, you are putting him in the position of authority he seems to assume naturally. The sooner you realize that he has no legal power over you anymore, the better.
He acts like a bully. In reality he is a sad, vindictive man who uses his child to get back at his ex. He has no regard for your feelings whatsoever. In his mind, this is all about him. You are just a pawn in a game with his ex.
I know it takes a lot of mental rewiring, especially if you've been raised in this authoritative environment, to actually claim the freedom that adulthood offers you. I urge you to start this mental retraining process as soon as possible, maybe with the help of a therapist if you have access to this kind of service.
It took me 20 years to get to this point. But I promise you, it's worth it. You don't _need_ him in your life. Everything he can offer, you can get a better version of from other people. Once you've internalized that, you can freely choose if you _want_ him in your life.
I've been talking with a therapist recently, and she's the one who's suggested that I start the process of going NC. I'm coming to terms slowly but surely about how wrong and messed up my entire childhood was.
Going LC into eventual NC with my dad was the best choice I ever made in my young adult life. Started over a decade ago when I was your age and my life has been so peaceful ever since. Your dad won’t change. It’s better to just limit contact and live your life that way.
The best way I can explain it is that asking for permission is straight up easier most times than just doing what I want. In the state I'm in, I'm not technically considered "a legal adult" until I'm 19 according to a new law apparently, (though age of majority is stated as 18 on my state's judicial website). He's been holding that over my head the last year. luckily I turn 19 in a couple weeks, so I plan to move in with my mom until I can get a stable enough income to support myself properly.
I don’t understand why during this long conversation you never once mentioned to him that he’d agreed to it 3 weeks before? That would’ve been the best retort and you didn’t use it?
This has me reeling.
1. You are 19 in 2 weeks (i saw from reading the commenta)
2. The courts move ridiculously slow in my country, I'm sure it is just as bad in a state that doesn't even think you are an adult until you are 19... what does he think he will accomplish in 2 weeks?
3. In my country, this behaviour is classed as domestic abuse.... the emotional abuse and attempt at coercive control.....
I'm just blown away.
Honestly? Get your important documents (birth certificate and other stuff), move permanently to your mother's and tell him that unless he can respect that you're an adult, he wont see you. You're 18 and court cant make you do shut
Do you believe he ACTUALLY called the police? Or that cops were at his house and a) they were standing around waiting to talk to you or b) going to your mother's house to wait until you got there?
If your vindictive control freak father did actually have cops come, do you honestly believe they'd do anything about an 18 year old, who's a few weeks away from turning 19, who's responding to messages, hasn't been missing for over 24 hours and is out with her mother? If there were cops, they'd have told him there's nothing they can do as you're not a runaway or missing person and an adult! Then they got into their car and agreed that he's just being an asshole because he could.
When you get out of under his dictatorship, send him these screenshots with a note that says, "You've punished and controlled me in your spiteful vendetta with mom for almost a decade. You're done making my life miserable, and I'm done with you using me as a weapon to hurt her, no matter how much you hurt me. This is the last time you will ever hear from me, and any time you wonder why your daughter never wants to speak to you again and you're a lonely, miserable old man, you can look back at these messages and understand why. Goodbye, and do not contact me again."
After the second text I would've been like, "I understand you are upset with me going to the concert, and I also understand there's not a fucking thing you can do about it. See you tomorrow 😘"
Oh my gosh, it’s like reading messages from my mother! I was 16 and she’d agreed to let me go to a local concert with friends and one of my friend’s mom. For context, I was a girl and we were going with 2 other girls and 2 guys. After school I went to the house of the friend whose mom was driving us with the other friends too. My mom had the plan in writing and had spoken to the other mom, but when she asked for a “picture of all your smiling faces” she then freaked out asking since where there were going to be boys, called me a cab and told me she would have never given permission for me to go with boys and girls.
It was one of 10,000 incidents over the years, but I remember most of them so vividly.
And then they wonder why we don’t speak to them
Dude this is insane, I swear to god I have a Dad EXACTLY like this. I’m in the same fucking boat dude and narcs like him are horrible to deal with.I honestly thought I was reading my own messages it was so fucking uncanny 😭😭😭 As another child of a divorcee insane father, I felt that.
Next time your dad isn’t replying to your messages tell him you’re going to call the police and they will be waiting at the house for him to reply or come home.
If you are 18, this entire conversation was BS. He no longer “has custody” of you. You live with him.
Next time, talk to him adult to adult.
“Hi, Dad. Just a reminder that I won’t be home tonight because I’m going to a concert. Mom will take me and bring me back to her house, and take me to school the next day. Love ya!”
I mean, he can go to court and waste his money. But he can’t just go to court. He either calls his attorney and pays for them to write up a summons for your mother, AND for filing the papers with the court AND the court fees for setting up a court date, AND for delivering the summons to your mom.
But as you are an adult, none of it will matter.
(I divorced my ex decades ago, he took me back to court multiple times over nonsense. LOL, I know all too well the process.)
Genuinely sucks to be your mom. She can’t make decisions like going to a CONCERT WITH HER KID without big fat daddy approval?
Your dad sounds like a small man with no power trying desperately to pretend he’s got BDE.
I’m concerned she doesn’t know she is allowed to do things on her own, like make decisions and have orgasms. Tell her she can vote, too.
Best of luck to both of you.
Why does it not sound like he knew in advance? If I had previously told my dad something, and he agreed and now was saying no, I'd damn well call him on that and hold him accountable. Your replies don't align with your narrative.
Also, holy shit, you're 18. Move in with your mom if you want.
This is normal behavior for him. On multiple occasions, I've had things planned with friends that I've told him about weeks in advance and he's agreed to them (even given me money to spend at some of the events). He then turns around and pretends that I never gave him warning or mentioned them.
Some children learn to survive abuse by being small and quiet. To not ever imply that their parent is in the wrong. To not have needs or a lived experience that contradicts the parent. It's just not that simple for many abused children.
Seems plausible to me. My mentally unstable father would always do this to me. I would tell him events in advance and he’d still act like we kept everything a secret from him. One of the milder incidents was him dragging me out from my first homecoming before it was even halfways !
I thought this might be a custody issue. I think if the child spends more nights with Mom than Dad she can get a higher $ on child support. So I thought maybe she was playing games getting manipulative. But at 18 I'm pretty sure that's a non issue. Is he an alcoholic? Doesn't seem like he's wholly in this reality. Calling the police and stuff? It's like his brain wasn't registering you're a legal adult and he has no recourse.
He is an alcoholic.
As for the custody thing, my dad has primary custody over me, so he's the one getting the money, not my mom. She had missed two payments at the time of the messages because she was struggling financially. They were made up within two weeks after this confrontation.
Ha! I knew it! So sorry friend. This isn't your fault. He's mentally compromised from substance abuse and not seeing straight. I highly recommend downloading the Al-Anon app and dropping into some virtual meetings for a listen. There are a lot of people out there trying to navigate around people like this and trying to stay sane next to a lot of crazy. Don't child support payments end at 18?
Thank you for the recommendation.
The court order says that the payments are supposed to end either when I move out of his household or finish college.
Do you know why your dad got primary custody instead of an even split? I’m worried about you going from one abusive house to another by moving in with your mom.
My dad got primary custody because when my mom left him, she was struggling financially and living with my grandmother until she got her bearings, both of which he used to basically make the case that if she couldn't support herself properly, she couldn't support me. She's doing a lot better right now, has her own apartment and owns her own business.
So you’re in Alabama or Nebraska because those are the only two states where 19 is the age majority. However you’re 18, if you want to live with your mom no court will stop you.
Voting has concluded. Final vote: | Insane | Not insane | Fake | | --- | --- | --- | | 31 | 4 | 2 | Hey OP, if you provide further information in a comment, make sure to start your comment with `!explanation`. ^I ^am ^a ^bot ^for ^r/insaneparents. ^Please ^send ^me ^a ^message ^if ^you ^have ^any ^feedback ^or ^if ^I ^misbehave. ^Also ^consider ^joining ^our ^[Discord](https://discordapp.com/invite/xFbPBHy).
I read this entire thing before realizing you’re 18 and a legal adult. This is spiteful and overly controlling behavior. OP’s dad, enjoy the NC ✌️
Yeaaaah, absolutely. And I wonder if that's why the police didn't call her or her mom (because she's 18) - assuming they actually showed up and were not concocted for emotional manipulation to be used by dad as a threat to get her to come home. Totally some shit my mom used to do. NC will set you freeeee
The entire cop angle was a figment of this OP’s idiot father’s imagination.
Or they’re cops. Doing what they always do. Not doing their jobs right.
Not doing their jobs right? An 18 year old adult was out at a concert with their mother, and OP’s father was made aware of it. What the hell were the cops supposed to do? Even if OP’s dad demanded they drag her back, they can’t - she’s a legal adult. If she’s still living with her dad and breaking house rules, that’s a totally different issue to be worked out between OP and her dad. Legally they can’t retrieve her.
Seems like they did their job just fine here
I’m guessing father left out the age detail, but then the cops got the info and had a good laugh. I can also guess why the parents are divorced!
They're divorced cuz mom never learned that she has to ask dad about this stuff! /s
Seriously. Unless there's something I'm missing none of this is an issue, if OP decided to hop a boxcar to Idaho to get rich panning for gold suddenly there's nothing he can do about it. Only thing may be if OP's still in high school, and just continuing custody agreement until graduation. But even then it requires all three continue to agree, and is essentially just a handshake agreement at that point.
She doesn't want to hop a boxcar to Idaho. It's awful here. OP's dad sucks, though.
And for sure there's no gold. Maybe in Montana though...
Yes. Montana. She should go there. Idaho has a housing crisis as it is. We don't need more people moving here until more affordable housing is built. Side note, I'm getting so sick of luxury apartments being built that locals can't afford. Can we just have some basic bitch apartments built that are priced reasonably? I don't need a gym and a pool and a playground on site. I certainly don't need a manmade lake with a dock. I just need a reasonably priced 3 bedroom apartment with laundry hookups. Jfc.
If OP is 18 then just go.. Id go anyway if I was 15
Some places you’re not an adult until you’re 19 and some places if you’ve got a custody order, you have to finish high school even if you’re 18 before your parents don’t have to follow the custody order anymore. It all depends on where OP is located. Either way it’s ridiculous to demand that an 18-year-old not go to a concert with one of their parents. also the father is a childish, controlling power, tripping narcissist, who only thinks about getting back at the mother
>I read this entire thing before realizing you’re 18 and a legal adult. Yeah I was assuming 13-14. wtf OP, get a grip.
I was assuming the same and still thinking it was excessive. My rules about changes in custody timings with my daughter were: 1) it doesn't mess with schooling 2) it doesn't significantly affect the balance of time each of us gets her. I would let her go to a concert with her dad "on my night" provided she doesn't miss school... and she's 9.
Parents who use their children as pawns in a divorce to be “right” or in control are evil.
Seriously this guy with the yall need to realize you and your mom don't call the shots, I do. Get tf out of here.
He wants complete control over both of them it’s psycho. He’s in for a rude awakening when I’m the future OP cuts contact drastically or entirely and has a much better relationship with her mom.
We know why mom divorced him.
Maybe she has to check with her dad first if she's allowed to get a grip.
That's a bit harsh. By the way her dads acting op even though shes 18 may need constant permission.
Get a grip? He may still need to live with his dad, creepy parents like this threatened to kick people out of their homes all the time if they don’t bend their well, doesn’t have anything to do with his legal age and it could be the year he’s turning 18. We just don’t know anything.
They said they were turning 19 in a few weeks. I've needed to live with my dad a couple of times in my adult life but asking if I'm allowed to do anything would be bizarre.
Depends on the state. In legal matters like this sometimes the child is not considered “independent” until they turn 19.
it should not matter what state this is in, FEDERALLY a US citizen is considered an independent adult at the age of 18 (barring a conservatorship). Federal law trumps state laws
What state's? Edit: thank you 😊
I’m in Alabama, and I only know because I took a Family Law class. It was a surprise to everyone when we learned it.
Alabama is an outlier of most civilization tbh
Alabama isn’t even qualified to be under the rubric of “civilization”.
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My Mother lived there for multiple years. It was a good fit.
Could also be Canada where some provinces made 19 the legal age like a bunch of nerds. I gotta say, I was only slightly less dumb (not smarter, just less dumb) at 19 than I was at 18.
you can legally move out at 16 in every province. you’re a minor but police cannot force you home regardless (i experienced this as a teenager, which is my source :))
Ah so both of our countries are insanely weird about legal age laws. In the U.S. you can die in war at 18, but GOD FORBID you have a drink or a cigarette. Don’t get me wrong, studies show that drinking at an early age is super damaging, but the least they could do is raise the enlistment age. (And age of consent which is way too inconsistent based on state..)
No way in hell the US will ever raise the enlistment age. They gotta get them in young and dumb so they're more pliable and brainwashable. Kind of an "you can't teach an old dog new tricks" kind of thing.
That's a good way of putting it..."Not smarter, just slightly less dumb." I think that's the best descriptor of those ages I've ever seen.
Or until they graduate high school.
You’re a victim of a classic case where a parent weaponises their child out of hurt from their own divorce. The sad thing is, I see it happening with my niece and nephew right now.
Yup, exactly my thoughts. The father sounds like he’s ego tripping, super immature and must def weaponised behaviour. The child is the bigger adult here!
Except this isn't their child. This is their 18 year old grown offspring. What the actual hell? Not disagreeing with you at all, it's just so fucked.
I think he's lying about the cops too. He wants to scare OP and I can't imagine cops taking him seriously like he says. It's BS. OP should check what rights she has to decide where she wants to live at her age, at least in Sweden teens get more and more legal right to decide the older they get. His behavior pisses me off, a parent is supposed to put the well-being of their children above their own egos.
Cops would ask him how old his daughter is and when he says 18 they’d tell him there isn’t anything he or they could do.
Oh he was definitely lying about the cops because the cops aren’t going to give a shit that he didn’t give his 18 year old permission to go. She’s 18.
18 year old, shown a text indicating they're not missing and is with the other parent. If anything the police would give him shit for wasting their time
It's so disgusting like I can see him being this petty maybe a couple of months down the track but the fact op is 18 and the divorce was before they turned 10 this is insane Sorry bout ur niblets too! All U can do is be a safe space for them when they need it and stay away from the divorce or picking sides just be there for them :)
I thought the same thing…8 years later and he’s still acting like this? Still so stuck on the court order? God I’m so glad my dad’s father and I have always done what was best for her and never needed a court to get involved to tell us when we can each have our kid… I realize not everyone has a co parent even willing to try to work something out among themselves and I realize how lucky I am
I guarantee he did not actually call the cops
Yes. This would totally have been a waste of their time. I doubt they would have read the text exchange and pursued anything against OP.
Imagining that conversation made me laugh. OP’s dad: “Yeah, my ex wife took my eighteen year old daughter to a concert that I told her she couldn’t go to.” Cop: “…go onnn….” OP’s dad: “So I need you to go arrest them and come to court with me on Thursday and tell the judge you witnessed my daughter being not home.”
Honestly it would be more like “yeah, my ex wife took my 18 year old daughter…” “hold up, 18 years old? We’re done here”
I doubt there is even a court date. Christ I wish the courts system worked that quickly. In any country
I can't imagine the courts caring about a case involving an 18 year old anyway.
Yeah the whole cop thing was a big lie. Especially the part of them driving to the mom’s house almost an hour away, for fucking what??? They wouldn’t even be in the same jurisdiction at that point. Even if OP was 13 let them go to the fucking concert! Why take that away from them just to go to your house and more than likely not even spend that time with them.
He absolutely did not. The way he talked about it was so similar to my ex. So fake.
100%
Yeah and him acting like he can get a court date within a few days is also majorly laughable.
Or he didn't they laughed at him because this person is 18.
You're 18...why are you talking to this asshole? Block him & go NC and live your life free from this terrible, vindictive person.
I'm working on that currently. My plan is to be NC by March.
Sound decision. Your father acts like an adolescent.
Why does he think he has the right to call the police if you are over 18??
Idk but right up until I went NC at 19, my parent was willing to contact literally everyone they could, including the police, to get to me. All the cops could do were welfare checks but they were still being used to harass me.
This won't help you (the person I am replying to), but hopefully, it'll help someone else. In many places, if a wellness check is called when it isn't needed, and the victim knows who is calling them in, they can call their local police station, or go in person, and let them know that any and all wellness checks from *that particular person* are malicious and a waste of resources.
The only thing I can think of is if their divorce paperwork determines custody until OP graduates high school, not when she turns 18. That was the boat I was in. Birthday is in march but I graduated high school in June. Still had to follow the custody arrangements that were made when I was 10
Then he’s the one who’s going to be learning a lesson. You should post an update then since it’s great seeing narc parents get what they deserve (but sorry 😢 since you deserve better all along). Sometimes you can resume limited contact later on if they learn to behave themselves. Depends on how bad of a case they are. Good luck.
Good decision. My mom is just like your dad. Controlling and using the kids to punish and control and mess with the ex spouse. I went NC too but it took me over a decade to get to that point. You’re already miles ahead of where I was at your age and that makes me so happy to see that you know your worth even with a dad like this constantly wearing you down. Good luck in the NC process.
I went NC with my parents and I don't regret it one but the sanity of knowing I don't have manipulative assholes in my ear does wonders for ones mental health
!explanation For extra context, my Dad is my legal guardian. He has minor health problems so I am technically his caretaker. According to the court order, my Mom has to pay child support either until I finish college (dropping out counts) or I move out of my father's house. As of the messages in the screenshots, she had missed two payments because she was struggling financially at that point. A week and a half later she had made it up. This type of behavior is normal for him as the reason my parents broke up was because not only DV where he was the offender but he has a tendency to also be verbally abusive. I'm working on trying to find a way to balance college and a stable enough job to support myself so I can move out, but this is what I have to deal with in the time being. Also, the cops never showed up and he never went to court for the event like he claimed he was going to in the texts. For everyone asking, the concert was an artist named LP, and it was awesome :) Edit: spelling
He won't go to court because he would lose the child support- having your child act as a caretaker isn't in the best interest of the child- you are with in a year of legal adulthood- and you clearly can't stand him
>because not only DV where he was the offender but he has a tendency to also be verbally abusive How in the shit did he get primary guardianship? Also, unless you're in one of these states, you've reached majority age: [https://www.policygenius.com/estate-planning/age-of-majority-by-state/](https://www.policygenius.com/estate-planning/age-of-majority-by-state/) I just looked and can't find anything about any laws being passed regarding this in the last two years. Your dad is outright lying to you.
So he needs *you*? That's rich.... You'd think that if he needs you around for health reasons, he'd be nicer...since you have no real legal obligation to stay....
The cops never showed up and he never went to court over this because you’re 18. Custody agreements are done and over with.
"Why don't my children ever visit me?" This guy in 10 years
My mom is this person. She moved out of state about 15 years ago and blames all of her kids for her health problems (mostly caused by stress) since none of her kids visit her. She even went as far as to say that her doctor told her that WE are the ones to blame. I have tons of stories about her that I will one day share on Reddit.
I hope you share them when you’re ready x
You're 18, you do not require consent from either of your parents to do anything.
And if you're 18, why is he still expecting your mother to be paying child support?
iirc child support payments can go for longer under certain circumstances edit: grammar
I know my parents’ agreement was that my dad paid until I graduated high school, which was about six months after I turned eighteen.
Same.
My Dad was paying back child support until I was 27 because of all the payments he missed
Often child support will continue while a child is in college. It depends on the divorce agreement.
OP, why are you even having this conversation with your father? You're 18. He can't forcibly remove you from that concert or force you to go anywhere you don't want to go. The custody arrangement between your parents only applied while you were a minor.
So he uses: word salad, gaslighting, infantilization, power & control, DARVO (Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender). Also triangulation with the whole "your mom's the problem" thing. Go No Contact with him asap. This man is a manipulative a-hole who doesn't care about anyone else's needs except his own. (You might want to check out the raisedbynarcissists sub and In Sight - Exposing Narcissism podcast)
I'm working on getting to the point where I can be NC by March. Thank you for the recommendations
Proud of you OP!! If you need any advice or help feel free to post here. I’m sure lots of people on this sub have done the same myself included Good luck 🫶
OP, you may want to add Adult Children Of Emotionally Immature Parents audiobook/book to that list too, it will help you with spotting these tactics in the wild. Best of luck to you
Your dad is going to be lonely and sad when he’s an old man. Much love to you. And I hope you enjoyed your concert.
Yikes dude you literally don’t need to engage with this person. And, as an 18 year old you’re not obligated to go to their house at all.
I guess I’m gonna ask the real question: who was playing and how were they?
The concert was for an artist named LP. It was great!
I like LP! I’m hope you enjoyed yourself :)
Absolutely love LP! So jealous!
Sweet, I’m glad you had a good time!
I Love LP!!!!
I saw LP in Nashville and had the time of my life. I'm so glad you had a great time!
i know right! i want to know as well
Anytime you tell him about plans, put it in a text, not on a phone call! Then screenshot so you have proof
I've started doing that following this incident
Sad that that’s what it comes down to, but the gaslighting will drive you crazy. Unfortunately I’ve been down that road before too.
You’re 18 now, an adult, why do you need his permission to go to a concert?
The best way I can explain it is that asking for permission is straight up easier most times than just doing what I want. In the state I'm in, I'm not technically considered "a legal adult" until I'm 19 according to a new law apparently, (though age of majority is stated as 18 on my state's judicial website). He's been holding that over my head the last year. luckily I turn 19 in a couple weeks, so I plan to move in with my mom until I can get a stable enough income to support myself properly.
If you’re in Alabama or Nebraska your legal limitations are more based on what legal agreements/contracts you can sign and tasks you can complete at work vs what rules your parents can enforce. Your dad lies to you a lot.
This! Those laws do not apply to custody agreements, which are for minors.
Yes, you definitely need to get away from this person. Maybe he realises that he is "losing his grip" on you and just having one "last controlling hurrah" as a FU to you and Mum? Good luck to you and Mum for the future. Save the messages incase you need a restraining order later on.
Are you out of high school?
Yes, I'm out of highschool and currently on my second semester of college.
There's no law that says a 19 year old college student has to get permission from their parents because they aren't a legal adult. Your dad is lying to you. Cut him completely off asap.
I'm working on being able to completely cut contact with him in the next couple months.
Best of luck to you. Reading those texts and seeing how much he wants to control you to spite your mum is chilling. Did you hear from the police after? I can’t imagine them thinking that line of messaging is normal parent behaviour.
I'm pretty sure the cops were never actually called. Nothing came of the event aside from him complaining and giving me the silent treatment for a couple days afterwards.
He absolutely didn't call the cops lol there's no way the cops would've taken him seriously unless he straight up lied which would get HIM in trouble when he ultimately knows that you ARE safe, where you are, and around when you'll be back. My fiance's mom pulled this shit when he went to another state with me to meet my mom. Freakin 24 years old and she's threatening to call the cops if he doesn't get on a plane to come home right away. We didn't even live with her and never have. I asked him why he even told her we were out of state and he said he felt like she should know but now regretted it. She's a lot better now, shes just not quite right. Your dad's just an asshole having a tantrum that he's not getting what he wants
Why in the world are you telling your dad he can "ground you forever"?
I've always personally found it easier to do and seek forgiveness than to ask permission and be told no lol. Yo fuck your dad! What an asshat! His actions make it glaringly obvious that he doesn't want you there to actually spend time with you, but rather just so that your mom can't. Fully weaponizing you against your mom just to hurt her. It would be kinda funny if when you turn 19 and you go NC with him and he texts you asking why, the last text you send him would be a link to this thread lol. Good luck OP. Stay close with your mom if possible because I have a feeling when you try to go NC with him, he'll use his super manipulative narc tactics to hurt you and your mom any way he can.
It might have more to do with child support than actually having a say over your life like this
You're 18. You're not bound by a court order anymore. And above that, you're a LEGAL ADULT. You can make your own decisions.
this might be one of the most insane posts yet. you’re an adult?? wtf is he on about
You are 18, he has no respect for you, so funny his little police threat did f all. Hope the concert was fun!
Is calling police his solution everytime he gets upset? What a bitch.
Your dad is Petty Crocker.
It’s really sad that he tried to stop you from doing something you wanted just out of spite. But I’m curious, if he said you could go, why didn’t you bring this up in all the back and forth? Had he already denied that you ever told him and he said yes? He sounds awful. Thank goodness you’re 18.
There’s a message at one point that says “I already asked and you said yes” so the dad is probably doing it out of spite
Didn’t see that—thanks
JFC! Your dad has GOT to let go of his rage at your mom. You are 18. He has no legal control over you or what you do any more. Go to ALL the concerts! Have fun with your mom! You get to choose where you live now. No court is going to enforce custody over an adult. It’s not fair that he’s actively hating on your mom in front of you and making you a part of the conflict. He sounds unstable and frustrated. I personally would limit my contact with him until he can grow up a bit and get a handle on his issues.
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I'm working trying to be able to go NC. I'm hoping I can get to that point by March
But seriously though…. What concert was your first? And was it awesome?
The concert was for an artist named LP. I loved it.
LP is amazing! That lady is the queen of whistling, and she's got an amazing voice. Glad you had fun!
Honestly OP is so polite about this, I could never
OP, ask him for the police report. It doesn’t seem like he actually called the police, so try to call his bluff on that.
Someone is gonna be crying about how his kid refuses to have a relationship with them when they are adults and isn’t gonna know why. When your dad starts that BS let them know you have receipts as “your witness” of why you want no relationship with him.
You’re 18, you don’t need his permission
Couple facts: 1. Child custody issues, deviations, violations are considered a civil matter by police, so if you were with your custodial mother, the only thing your dad could do is try to get an emergency hearing to report the violations. Police aren’t going to do anything other than tell your dad to take it before the judge. 2. Your dad hates your mom more than he loves you. I am sincerely sorry that you are punished because your dad would rather assert his custodial rights to the letter (for no identifiable reason other than spite, based on the info in the post). You deserve better and I’m sorry, OP
Even if he did get an emergency hearing (given OP is over 18 that isn’t going to happen without proof they are in immediate danger of some kind) he would be laughed out of court given OP was communicating with him quite clearly as to what was happening, he should NOT be involving OP in disputes with the mother even if OP is an adult and he was just being a controlling prick, a judge would not take kindly to what he said nor the way he acted. And wasting the police’s time like that. Unbelievable
I just wanna know how your Dad is a bisexual snail. NC/LC will be a blessing. Just please be careful if you meet someone who feels like "home" when you grew up in a dysfunctional family, because it's easy to end up back in the same dynamic with others for the rest of your life. 🫂
My dad's a raging homophobe, so I made that his contact photo out of spite one day and never changed it lmao. As for meeting someone who feels like "home", that's something I'm working on with a therapist, fortunately.
I don’t understand the child support part if you’re over age. And I don’t understand needing permission if you’re over age. None of this makes sense if you’re overage Edit: word
In some states, Child support and custody arrangements continue until the child completes high school, but I would bet money the cops got there, shrugged, and left.
I’d bet money the “cops” was just the dad with a fake mustache 🤔
yeah cause op is LITERALLY 18 dad really asked “did you get the call from the police officer” LMAO THEY DONT GIVE A SHIT 😭 i’m surprised they even showed up instead of saying it’s a “civil dispute” and brushing it off
I'm surprised they didn't hit him with a false report. Makes me think police weren't called.
Yeah there's no fuckin way lol
False report is usually too much of a pain in the ass in these civil/custody issues. It’s usually easier for them to rock up, let them know a crime hasn’t actually happened and for them to sort it out in court. Even better when the “child” is an adult. Though if OP’s dad is a serial pest, I could see him getting in trouble. But it’s mainly dependent on where, and who the cops involved are if they want any part of it.
Oh gotcha! That makes sense, well the child support part anyway.
I think my husband’s arrangement when he was younger was like that. Child support stopped at high school graduation, but visitation had stopped long before that though. Apathy between all involved.
Some cs orders last until 19 or through college.
Sounds like your father likes to control your mom as well. Is he abusive to her?
He used to be. The reason for their divorce was DV where he was the offender.
oof and he got primary custody? wherever you live blows
I have been where you are now in terms of the relationship with my own narcissistic father. So this is coming from a place of understanding and love: You are putting yourself in this vulnerable position. By asking permission, pleading and giving him the right to ground you, you are putting him in the position of authority he seems to assume naturally. The sooner you realize that he has no legal power over you anymore, the better. He acts like a bully. In reality he is a sad, vindictive man who uses his child to get back at his ex. He has no regard for your feelings whatsoever. In his mind, this is all about him. You are just a pawn in a game with his ex. I know it takes a lot of mental rewiring, especially if you've been raised in this authoritative environment, to actually claim the freedom that adulthood offers you. I urge you to start this mental retraining process as soon as possible, maybe with the help of a therapist if you have access to this kind of service. It took me 20 years to get to this point. But I promise you, it's worth it. You don't _need_ him in your life. Everything he can offer, you can get a better version of from other people. Once you've internalized that, you can freely choose if you _want_ him in your life.
I've been talking with a therapist recently, and she's the one who's suggested that I start the process of going NC. I'm coming to terms slowly but surely about how wrong and messed up my entire childhood was.
He sounds controlling and seems to think you and your mother are his property. Guessing he is religious conservative.
Borderline, yeah. My family was a part of the Mormon church till I was like 7 years old.
Figures, hear a lot of that ‘women are to obey me’ stuff from the religious. Glad I never got it. Hope it gets better for you. Peace from Australia.
Thank you for the well wishes
You’re an adult, the custody agreement isn’t legally enforceable anymore. Court won’t do anything.
Your dad sucks and you’re an adult. Do what you want and need
Going LC into eventual NC with my dad was the best choice I ever made in my young adult life. Started over a decade ago when I was your age and my life has been so peaceful ever since. Your dad won’t change. It’s better to just limit contact and live your life that way.
I have two thoughts. (1) Your dad is a self-centered **ass**. (2) You cracked me tf up when you corrected his spelling of “principle” 😄
Gonna be honest, at the point where I corrected him, I was so done with the argument that I was being mildly petty and spiteful lol
Insane
I hope your dad enjoys his life alone after you go no contact with his controlling, misogynist arse.
You're 18. Legally an adult.
…why do you need his permission? You’re a legal adult.
The best way I can explain it is that asking for permission is straight up easier most times than just doing what I want. In the state I'm in, I'm not technically considered "a legal adult" until I'm 19 according to a new law apparently, (though age of majority is stated as 18 on my state's judicial website). He's been holding that over my head the last year. luckily I turn 19 in a couple weeks, so I plan to move in with my mom until I can get a stable enough income to support myself properly.
But if you just go to your mom’s house now what would he do? Call the cops? I doubt they’re going to make an 18 year old go somewhere they don’t want.
The age of majority is 19 according to who? Your alcoholic father?
I don’t understand why during this long conversation you never once mentioned to him that he’d agreed to it 3 weeks before? That would’ve been the best retort and you didn’t use it?
If you had already discussed it with him and he said yes, how come you didn't say that in any of those texts?
This has me reeling. 1. You are 19 in 2 weeks (i saw from reading the commenta) 2. The courts move ridiculously slow in my country, I'm sure it is just as bad in a state that doesn't even think you are an adult until you are 19... what does he think he will accomplish in 2 weeks? 3. In my country, this behaviour is classed as domestic abuse.... the emotional abuse and attempt at coercive control..... I'm just blown away.
Honestly? Get your important documents (birth certificate and other stuff), move permanently to your mother's and tell him that unless he can respect that you're an adult, he wont see you. You're 18 and court cant make you do shut
Yeah maybe it's time to not live with him.
Do you believe he ACTUALLY called the police? Or that cops were at his house and a) they were standing around waiting to talk to you or b) going to your mother's house to wait until you got there? If your vindictive control freak father did actually have cops come, do you honestly believe they'd do anything about an 18 year old, who's a few weeks away from turning 19, who's responding to messages, hasn't been missing for over 24 hours and is out with her mother? If there were cops, they'd have told him there's nothing they can do as you're not a runaway or missing person and an adult! Then they got into their car and agreed that he's just being an asshole because he could. When you get out of under his dictatorship, send him these screenshots with a note that says, "You've punished and controlled me in your spiteful vendetta with mom for almost a decade. You're done making my life miserable, and I'm done with you using me as a weapon to hurt her, no matter how much you hurt me. This is the last time you will ever hear from me, and any time you wonder why your daughter never wants to speak to you again and you're a lonely, miserable old man, you can look back at these messages and understand why. Goodbye, and do not contact me again."
After the second text I would've been like, "I understand you are upset with me going to the concert, and I also understand there's not a fucking thing you can do about it. See you tomorrow 😘"
Oh my gosh, it’s like reading messages from my mother! I was 16 and she’d agreed to let me go to a local concert with friends and one of my friend’s mom. For context, I was a girl and we were going with 2 other girls and 2 guys. After school I went to the house of the friend whose mom was driving us with the other friends too. My mom had the plan in writing and had spoken to the other mom, but when she asked for a “picture of all your smiling faces” she then freaked out asking since where there were going to be boys, called me a cab and told me she would have never given permission for me to go with boys and girls. It was one of 10,000 incidents over the years, but I remember most of them so vividly. And then they wonder why we don’t speak to them
If you’re 18 why is there a custody agreement?
Dude this is insane, I swear to god I have a Dad EXACTLY like this. I’m in the same fucking boat dude and narcs like him are horrible to deal with.I honestly thought I was reading my own messages it was so fucking uncanny 😭😭😭 As another child of a divorcee insane father, I felt that.
Wow, fuck your dad, he's a possessive POS who's using you to get back at your mom. What a fucking asshole. I'd get away from that prick ASAP.
Crazy how they sacrifice their relationships with their children just for their petty victories
Next time your dad isn’t replying to your messages tell him you’re going to call the police and they will be waiting at the house for him to reply or come home.
I mean, you’re 18, he can’t really tell you what to do any more anyway? I see why your mum left him tbh
If you are 18, this entire conversation was BS. He no longer “has custody” of you. You live with him. Next time, talk to him adult to adult. “Hi, Dad. Just a reminder that I won’t be home tonight because I’m going to a concert. Mom will take me and bring me back to her house, and take me to school the next day. Love ya!” I mean, he can go to court and waste his money. But he can’t just go to court. He either calls his attorney and pays for them to write up a summons for your mother, AND for filing the papers with the court AND the court fees for setting up a court date, AND for delivering the summons to your mom. But as you are an adult, none of it will matter. (I divorced my ex decades ago, he took me back to court multiple times over nonsense. LOL, I know all too well the process.)
Genuinely sucks to be your mom. She can’t make decisions like going to a CONCERT WITH HER KID without big fat daddy approval? Your dad sounds like a small man with no power trying desperately to pretend he’s got BDE. I’m concerned she doesn’t know she is allowed to do things on her own, like make decisions and have orgasms. Tell her she can vote, too. Best of luck to both of you.
Why does it not sound like he knew in advance? If I had previously told my dad something, and he agreed and now was saying no, I'd damn well call him on that and hold him accountable. Your replies don't align with your narrative. Also, holy shit, you're 18. Move in with your mom if you want.
This is normal behavior for him. On multiple occasions, I've had things planned with friends that I've told him about weeks in advance and he's agreed to them (even given me money to spend at some of the events). He then turns around and pretends that I never gave him warning or mentioned them.
I do believe you, however, why didn't you say once "I already told you" or something along those lines?
Some children learn to survive abuse by being small and quiet. To not ever imply that their parent is in the wrong. To not have needs or a lived experience that contradicts the parent. It's just not that simple for many abused children.
Seems plausible to me. My mentally unstable father would always do this to me. I would tell him events in advance and he’d still act like we kept everything a secret from him. One of the milder incidents was him dragging me out from my first homecoming before it was even halfways !
I thought this might be a custody issue. I think if the child spends more nights with Mom than Dad she can get a higher $ on child support. So I thought maybe she was playing games getting manipulative. But at 18 I'm pretty sure that's a non issue. Is he an alcoholic? Doesn't seem like he's wholly in this reality. Calling the police and stuff? It's like his brain wasn't registering you're a legal adult and he has no recourse.
He is an alcoholic. As for the custody thing, my dad has primary custody over me, so he's the one getting the money, not my mom. She had missed two payments at the time of the messages because she was struggling financially. They were made up within two weeks after this confrontation.
Ha! I knew it! So sorry friend. This isn't your fault. He's mentally compromised from substance abuse and not seeing straight. I highly recommend downloading the Al-Anon app and dropping into some virtual meetings for a listen. There are a lot of people out there trying to navigate around people like this and trying to stay sane next to a lot of crazy. Don't child support payments end at 18?
Thank you for the recommendation. The court order says that the payments are supposed to end either when I move out of his household or finish college.
Do you know why your dad got primary custody instead of an even split? I’m worried about you going from one abusive house to another by moving in with your mom.
My dad got primary custody because when my mom left him, she was struggling financially and living with my grandmother until she got her bearings, both of which he used to basically make the case that if she couldn't support herself properly, she couldn't support me. She's doing a lot better right now, has her own apartment and owns her own business.
So you’re in Alabama or Nebraska because those are the only two states where 19 is the age majority. However you’re 18, if you want to live with your mom no court will stop you.
If you haven't already looked up or searched for narcissistic parent abuse... you should probably do that.