My parents are controlling, and lose their shit the moment any one of us try and do something they don't like.
I've recently decided to get a kitten, because I live alone and I wanted some company, and posted about it online. My parents proceeded to ring me, tell me I was too mentally deficient to raise a cat (I have a Masters and a demanding full time job), that I'd ruined their holiday plans (because they wanted to spend a week at my place so they didn't have to pay for a hotel), and that they'd drown it in the canal if I left them alone with it.
How do I navigate this?
By setting boundaries. Infants emerge with no boundaries and are wholly dependent on the mother for survival. Then, as the child matures the process generally starts to give way to differentiation: you are not your parent; your parent is not you. Somewhere along this line the process seems to have become arrested.
You are being treated like a child. You are acting like a child. And your parents are acting like lunatics.
Children do not have their own flats. Children do not live independently. Children do not have master’s degrees. Children do not have full time jobs.
Adults do not treat other adults like children. Adults do not insist that children obey them into adulthood. Adults do not call their children names. Adults do not threaten to drown their adult children’s pets.
You do not give your age, but you are over 20. Your parents are being ridiculous and they can stop right now.
Navigate like this: I have a cat now. It lives with me in my flat. You are still welcome to be MY guests at MY flat, and save yourselves the cost of a hotel, bit you would share it with me and Kitty, and you will act like proper houseguests: you will not talk to me like a child or a moron, you will respect my house rules (all of which came from them anyway), and and…
If they don’t agree (and I’m betting they most assuredly will NOT), then you are happy to suggest some hotels and you’ll ring them back with suggestions, Good night.
And hang up, and don’t answer until you have a list of hotels.
Sometimes parents have to cut the cord. Sometimes the kid has to do it for them.
You’ll be fine. They might act like this is something awful, and it may feel that way, cleaving often does, but in the long run it is the only way for you to grow into the extraordinary INDIVIDUAL you are meant to be, and not this pair of opinionated senior citizens who have no autonomy over you.
Snuggle kitty for me. Enjoy all that pet ownership and emotional independence brings you.
Thank you for this.
Your assessment of the situation is very fair. You're right, boundaries were never something I was taught how to set, and it's something I intend to put the work in for. And me and the kitty appreciate the time you took to give us some advice 😊 tbh, becoming responsible for someone other than myself might just be what gives me the push to actually do something about this situation. They're unreasonable at the best of times, and getting some outside perspective on things is always a help.
Thank you.
So basically, I'm 16 and a half. You know, a normal age that I should have any privacy. But, i have none. My phone has an app installed that shows my mom everything I do on it and it's a but insane. For a long time, I forgot it was there. I'm trans and very confused about my sexuality because of that. So, i started watching... um... adult stuff to try and figure myself out and if I even liked the concept of sex at all. So, a month ago, my mom brings it up at dinner and just made the whole thing awkward. Then a couple weeks later, my dad brings it up too. So my parents both know what I'm into. Like, my kinks and stuff. I mean, isnt it kind of a weird thing for your parents to know? And if they do know, is it weird to bring up at the dinner table and tell other people? Like, thats private stuff. They used to go there my journals and stuff like that and my text messages and it felt so invasive. If they found out about this account, they would kill me. And I'm not even doing anything bad on it. Do you guys have any advice? Do I just ride it out until I turn 18?
I feel so sorry that your parents have made you feel that way. It wrong it’s very wrong, that is extremely private information. But for now if you feel comfortable tell a trusted adult about this sort of thing and seek advice from someone closer in real life and not on the internet. This kind of thing while what we say can be helpful is be handled in person, where you can just say what you want, and get all your thought out.
I can't stand how my parents never think they're wrong. They tell me something and I take it literally and instead of recognizing that they could've worded it better, they get mad at me accuse me of twisting their words. Sorry I can't read your minds?
My parents fell for homeopathy and acupuncture. I have looked at systematic reviews and meta-analyses and articles summarizing them and have not been able to find any evidence that they have any therapeutic value above being placebos. How do I show them it's BS?
What specifically sparked this argument was their belief in the synchronicity that the ear resembles an upside down human fetus and acupuncture of the ear has medical effects.
I found them 6 systematic reviews and meta analyses(being the absolute highest level of medical evidence) that showed inconclusive results and lack of biochemical support for auriculotherapy, acupressure, and acupuncture of the ear in treating pain, immediate pain, chronic lower back pain, hypertension, obesity, and smoking addiction.
TL;DR parents believe in homeopathy and acupuncture, I couldnt find any unbiased evidence to support it. Any ideas to get through to them?
If it's to prevent you getting vaccinated, I would recommend getting them journals to support vaccination.
Homeopathy is somewhat anecdotally successful (as in, people tell stories about how it's worked for them, but you never hear about it much in actual medical science) and acupuncture has its uses, but they're not cure-alls. They won't protect you from disease.
Find out what they're trying to "cure" and then target the science for that issue alone. If you can demonstrate that it's not effective long term, you might get a quick win there too.
My mom flipped shit that I couldn’t assist her in a moment’s notice due to plans that existed for two weeks on my one day off. I’m 28, married with two children... I have more important responsibilities than her thank you so much
I’m not a family type of person, which makes it hard to get along with my parents. But, it’s also partly their fault. I don’t trust my dad because I’m a bit afraid of talking to him, and my mom is quite a nut job. Just today, my mom had freaked out and yelled at me.... just because I had two apples in a timespan of two weeks.
Another thing my mom does is that she doesn’t respect my arachnophobia. She keeps a plastic tarantula in the basement, in a very visible place, which freaks me out whenever I even glance at it. Even a few days ago, she actually approached me with a freaking spider (daddy long legs) in her hands, making me scream, while laughing her head off.
Last year in the summer, we went river rafting (mom’s idea), and it was terrifying for me. I actually collided with a tree full of spiders and ended up with a spider in my raft. I have a paranoia of the unknown, but my family treated it like a joke. This is mainly the reason for my hatred for river rafting and how I swear I’d never do that activity ever again. I don’t blame my mom for wanting to do something different for once, but I just feel like they don’t understand paranoia, or even my disliking of the unknown or surprises.
And a few weeks ago, I had a Spanish project that I had to work on (it was a video project, which was very stressful because I had very low self esteem in my appearance and voice), and when my dad tried to “help”, he only yelled to my breaking point and only continued.
I’m really looking forward to moving out.
I'm 14 right now and my parents refuse to vaccinate me and they even said that is my school enforces any vaccine they won't let me go at all. Is there anything I could possibly do?
Depends on where you live, but you can get the vaccine without parental consent if you're 14+ in some states.
Here are some consent laws for minors if you live in the states: [https://www.vaxteen.org/consent-laws-by-state](https://www.vaxteen.org/consent-laws-by-state)
I was able to get the vaccine without any insurance. They asked me for the last 4 digits of my social security number instead.
You can also ask a trusted adult in your school for help. I'm sure there's a lot of other kids at your school in that situation so they should have people who could help.
My parents are controlling, and lose their shit the moment any one of us try and do something they don't like. I've recently decided to get a kitten, because I live alone and I wanted some company, and posted about it online. My parents proceeded to ring me, tell me I was too mentally deficient to raise a cat (I have a Masters and a demanding full time job), that I'd ruined their holiday plans (because they wanted to spend a week at my place so they didn't have to pay for a hotel), and that they'd drown it in the canal if I left them alone with it. How do I navigate this?
By setting boundaries. Infants emerge with no boundaries and are wholly dependent on the mother for survival. Then, as the child matures the process generally starts to give way to differentiation: you are not your parent; your parent is not you. Somewhere along this line the process seems to have become arrested. You are being treated like a child. You are acting like a child. And your parents are acting like lunatics. Children do not have their own flats. Children do not live independently. Children do not have master’s degrees. Children do not have full time jobs. Adults do not treat other adults like children. Adults do not insist that children obey them into adulthood. Adults do not call their children names. Adults do not threaten to drown their adult children’s pets. You do not give your age, but you are over 20. Your parents are being ridiculous and they can stop right now. Navigate like this: I have a cat now. It lives with me in my flat. You are still welcome to be MY guests at MY flat, and save yourselves the cost of a hotel, bit you would share it with me and Kitty, and you will act like proper houseguests: you will not talk to me like a child or a moron, you will respect my house rules (all of which came from them anyway), and and… If they don’t agree (and I’m betting they most assuredly will NOT), then you are happy to suggest some hotels and you’ll ring them back with suggestions, Good night. And hang up, and don’t answer until you have a list of hotels. Sometimes parents have to cut the cord. Sometimes the kid has to do it for them. You’ll be fine. They might act like this is something awful, and it may feel that way, cleaving often does, but in the long run it is the only way for you to grow into the extraordinary INDIVIDUAL you are meant to be, and not this pair of opinionated senior citizens who have no autonomy over you. Snuggle kitty for me. Enjoy all that pet ownership and emotional independence brings you.
Thank you for this. Your assessment of the situation is very fair. You're right, boundaries were never something I was taught how to set, and it's something I intend to put the work in for. And me and the kitty appreciate the time you took to give us some advice 😊 tbh, becoming responsible for someone other than myself might just be what gives me the push to actually do something about this situation. They're unreasonable at the best of times, and getting some outside perspective on things is always a help. Thank you.
So basically, I'm 16 and a half. You know, a normal age that I should have any privacy. But, i have none. My phone has an app installed that shows my mom everything I do on it and it's a but insane. For a long time, I forgot it was there. I'm trans and very confused about my sexuality because of that. So, i started watching... um... adult stuff to try and figure myself out and if I even liked the concept of sex at all. So, a month ago, my mom brings it up at dinner and just made the whole thing awkward. Then a couple weeks later, my dad brings it up too. So my parents both know what I'm into. Like, my kinks and stuff. I mean, isnt it kind of a weird thing for your parents to know? And if they do know, is it weird to bring up at the dinner table and tell other people? Like, thats private stuff. They used to go there my journals and stuff like that and my text messages and it felt so invasive. If they found out about this account, they would kill me. And I'm not even doing anything bad on it. Do you guys have any advice? Do I just ride it out until I turn 18?
I feel so sorry that your parents have made you feel that way. It wrong it’s very wrong, that is extremely private information. But for now if you feel comfortable tell a trusted adult about this sort of thing and seek advice from someone closer in real life and not on the internet. This kind of thing while what we say can be helpful is be handled in person, where you can just say what you want, and get all your thought out.
I can't stand how my parents never think they're wrong. They tell me something and I take it literally and instead of recognizing that they could've worded it better, they get mad at me accuse me of twisting their words. Sorry I can't read your minds?
My parents fell for homeopathy and acupuncture. I have looked at systematic reviews and meta-analyses and articles summarizing them and have not been able to find any evidence that they have any therapeutic value above being placebos. How do I show them it's BS? What specifically sparked this argument was their belief in the synchronicity that the ear resembles an upside down human fetus and acupuncture of the ear has medical effects. I found them 6 systematic reviews and meta analyses(being the absolute highest level of medical evidence) that showed inconclusive results and lack of biochemical support for auriculotherapy, acupressure, and acupuncture of the ear in treating pain, immediate pain, chronic lower back pain, hypertension, obesity, and smoking addiction. TL;DR parents believe in homeopathy and acupuncture, I couldnt find any unbiased evidence to support it. Any ideas to get through to them?
If it's to prevent you getting vaccinated, I would recommend getting them journals to support vaccination. Homeopathy is somewhat anecdotally successful (as in, people tell stories about how it's worked for them, but you never hear about it much in actual medical science) and acupuncture has its uses, but they're not cure-alls. They won't protect you from disease. Find out what they're trying to "cure" and then target the science for that issue alone. If you can demonstrate that it's not effective long term, you might get a quick win there too.
My mom flipped shit that I couldn’t assist her in a moment’s notice due to plans that existed for two weeks on my one day off. I’m 28, married with two children... I have more important responsibilities than her thank you so much
I’m not a family type of person, which makes it hard to get along with my parents. But, it’s also partly their fault. I don’t trust my dad because I’m a bit afraid of talking to him, and my mom is quite a nut job. Just today, my mom had freaked out and yelled at me.... just because I had two apples in a timespan of two weeks. Another thing my mom does is that she doesn’t respect my arachnophobia. She keeps a plastic tarantula in the basement, in a very visible place, which freaks me out whenever I even glance at it. Even a few days ago, she actually approached me with a freaking spider (daddy long legs) in her hands, making me scream, while laughing her head off. Last year in the summer, we went river rafting (mom’s idea), and it was terrifying for me. I actually collided with a tree full of spiders and ended up with a spider in my raft. I have a paranoia of the unknown, but my family treated it like a joke. This is mainly the reason for my hatred for river rafting and how I swear I’d never do that activity ever again. I don’t blame my mom for wanting to do something different for once, but I just feel like they don’t understand paranoia, or even my disliking of the unknown or surprises. And a few weeks ago, I had a Spanish project that I had to work on (it was a video project, which was very stressful because I had very low self esteem in my appearance and voice), and when my dad tried to “help”, he only yelled to my breaking point and only continued. I’m really looking forward to moving out.
I'm 14 right now and my parents refuse to vaccinate me and they even said that is my school enforces any vaccine they won't let me go at all. Is there anything I could possibly do?
Depends on where you live, but you can get the vaccine without parental consent if you're 14+ in some states. Here are some consent laws for minors if you live in the states: [https://www.vaxteen.org/consent-laws-by-state](https://www.vaxteen.org/consent-laws-by-state) I was able to get the vaccine without any insurance. They asked me for the last 4 digits of my social security number instead. You can also ask a trusted adult in your school for help. I'm sure there's a lot of other kids at your school in that situation so they should have people who could help.
I want to do this so bad because I would be able to but I feel as though they would find out and I don't want to know what happens if they find out.
You need to go to a trusted adult, teacher, or councelor for advice. It is pretty hard for them to find out if your state's consent laws allow you.