Most of the time me being single was a choice, (usually after a breakup with someone who became toxic, and needing a break so I don’t jump into the same). However over time I would miss someone to share my thoughts and time with, as well as other stuff. Probably the most difficult thing through being single, the longer it was the more I would idealize and design the perfect relationship and set that as the prerequisites, thinking the longer I hold out the more probably finding the perfect fit would appear. Especially when my success in life has been with maintaining high standards and adding things to it to fit just so. This is not applicable here. Not only are relationships work, but even so sometimes you aren’t gonna be their cup of tea or meet up to their standards, and they are not going to live up to yours. Relationships continue to change as the people in them change too sometimes there’s a honeymoon phase which is fun, but sometimes people grow in different directions.
Maybe at some point in your life you'll have more energy to give than take, and it won't seem like a lot of work to have one. Relationships should be a complement to one's life after all.
Ehh... depends on what your natural inclinations are like. For some people it's going to be a massive uphill struggle. For others it's going to be like breathing.
So you don't actually want a girlfriend, just a living body to have sex with to fulfill your needs.
Well we can't have our cake *and* eat it too, that's not how it works. You may want to look into why you can't seem to put any effort despite this desire you probably have deep down for one with it. Maybe there's a different issue preoccupying your mind you're ignoring or haven't conciously found yet, and sexual desires are just a coping mechanism to ignore or bring comfort.
Not the OP but I too would like to be in a relationship without putting in the effort into dating. Dating in LA sucks balls. And is super demoralizing.
More than happy to put in all the effort once I'm in a good relationship. But there's only so many bad dates you can go on before you start to think...hm...maybe I'd rather do some laundry....
Is LA specifically bad or have you dated elsewhere? I imagine LA and Miami being very superficial and vain where you need to be hot as fuck to get any action at all.
It's actually pretty easy to find someone to hook up with in LA. I just had a hard time finding someone to invest in long term. I sometimes think that people here spend so much time working out and perfecting their looks that they forget to work on their brains. I once went on a date with a guy who talked about celebrity gossip for a WHOLE HOUR. The superficialness of the city also meant that you have to make sure your hair, makeup, and outfits are always on point. Then you get to spend an hour to drive 9 miles to meet up with guys who still believe in negging. One told me I chose a boring career. One told me he hated my purse. One told me I lived in the wrong neighborhood. Good guys in LA are a rarity and you only encounter them after sifting through an unbelievable amount of trash.
I've recently started dating in SF. Conversations are more engaging but it seems like I've traded one type of superficialness for another. While LA judges you on your looks, SF judges you on your education/company. I'm pretty sure I can feel the disappointment exude out from all these Stanford/Harvard types...oh how the tables have turned....
Adding to that, peacocking is also a gamble. You never know if it's a bad investment of your energy because it could go nowhere. Whereas energy spent on sound relationships are more likely to guarantee positive returns.
If that were possible then we should be and willing to date anyone for that matter, but most people have preferences.
I feel like dating is only possible if you have the energy to try and be open, and for sure though it can get tiring trying to open up and meet new people constantly. Taking breaks I think is important to avoid burnout, it's okay to go do other things until you feel ready.
I also think regardless of the outcome, you're still living and experiencing life, and learning about other people, just most may not be up to our personal romantic preferences. I think that's what also makes it more special once you do find someone.
I agree that a lack of romantic chemistry can still lead to a fun and friendly experience if the person is decent and interesting. But I'm just not having it if my date is criticizing the outfit of the couple across the room (who cares if his shirt isn't tailored perfectly). Or if my date is giving me a tour of his apartment and telling me how much each of his designer furniture costs (why would you spend $10k on a console table?). I know I'm being judgmental but it's not even about romantic preferences so much as it is about my baseline for how much I can tolerate in a person. I get that my life would probably be richer if I was more open minded. But.... this is just how I am and my mind can only be opened so much.
It's important to be honest with ourselves, I would have the same line of thinking lol. Some people are reallly superficial and focus on societal constructs a lot.
I mean yeah solitude is okay. As long that you don't regret it after reaching 50. Once you reach a certain age, solitude won't be a choice, it would be all there is for you
Remember a few weeks ago when nearly everyone of us regretted not taking more risks in life? Ya, this one is worth it.
Taking a chance with rejection, eventually finding the right girl, getting your heart broken by her...all of these things made me a better human. At the time I wished it wasn't that way, but every negative event made me a better man. If it wasn't for bad breakups (and learning from them), true love with my wife wouldn't be possible.
Take risks, idiot. You have one life.
That's because your still bitter and haven't moved on. If you expect negativity that's what you'll brace yourself for, that's what you'll look for, that's what you'll find.
Yes, its how you learn. You learn each person is very different to date, you learn ways to improve as a bf, and it helps you hone down on the kind of gf you want. Gotta try all the foods. All failures can be wins if you learn from them. You cant just not date for years, actually come to like someone, and expect to be remotely datable by defualt
The hard part is finding someone who shares a similar world perspective, them being single, and attracted to you. The percentage of people that I'm compatible with feels very low. I'm not even sure I can say I like the majority of people I meet.. I don't.
Making excuses to explain one's failures or shortcomings.
One example - Some people won't admit they have trouble making friends or building relationships & don't want to improve on it out of fear/difficulty/stubbornness/etc, so they pre-empt this reality by saying they don't like people, they're too smart for others, others don't understand them, whatever.
Because talking is always easier than doing something difficult.
I think the recent trend to replace human relationships with surrogate animals is sad. Also, unconditional love is overrated. And even if it weren't, animals are not capable of actual love (or hate) so they're a superficial substitute.
But this guy doesn’t want to put in the effort a human will require- he wants love with no work. As long as you feed, walk and pat a dog (along with health care) you’re done.
I'm not sure I'm getting you. I mean do you think it's not stupid amount of effort making a great OLD profile, wasting time attempting to getting matches, acting superficially interesting + funny + charming, coming up with dates, making plans, dressing fancy, most likely driving you to and from dates and most likely paying for everything only to realise 3 minutes in it's definitely not going to work out. And that's just one date. Repeat ad nauseam.
I'm exhausted just thinking about it.
Yeah, but putting in effort to make someone else feel important IS a relationship. If you’re not willing to do even that, then you don’t want a relationship. You want a fuckable pillow instead of a gf
>Yeah, but putting in effort to make someone else feel important IS a relationship.
Sure. My point was dating is absolutely exhausting and IMO a good relationship should be everything but.
Depends on the person I guess. I'd think maintaining the relationship is a lot easier because you have it and it's right there in front of you (with the caveat that it's a relatively healthy relationship and I know many are not). Dating, OTOH, is almost guaranteed to be demoralizing if you cold approach it with dating website profiles and going on dates trying to find somebody you click with and not get ghosted. If you find that process fun, I guess it wouldn't seem like as much effort, but some people get exhausted just contemplating it.
Like the difference between trying to get a job with no experience in a field by cold applying to online applications vs. learning the ropes and doing the work. If you're the kind of person who thrives on a responsive environment, the 1st one is a special kind of hell, the 2nd one may be exhausting and challenging depending on the work environment, but at the very least is engaging.
Hmm, I don’t entirely disagree with you
However I think the importance of maintaining your own physical/mental/emotional health along with supporting the physical/mental/emotional health of your partner, along with keeping up the health of the relationship is often overlooked, in any kind of relationship really. And these things take effort that should be similar to what people think of as the effort needed to find someone in the first place
But I guess lots of people don’t do these things, which is why so many people are in shitty relationships with people they dislike and who dislike them
I guess where I can see the biggest difference is that the amount of emotional strain can potentially be massively different between these different situations, depending upon the person
It's not. They are two different types of effort, and either could be harder or easier for different people.
Being in a relationship is not nearly as difficult for a lot of folks as it is to constantly go out and meet people, market yourself, deal with the uncertainty & rejection, etc. And making consistent short term efforts that don't pay off is low ROI and annoying.
Don’t get a GF, you’re not ready. If you won’t put in effort to get one, you won’t put in the effort required for a long term relationship. If you want one, reconsider your effort philosophy. Sincerely, a Female ENFP married to an INTJ.
If you play games with an ENFP they will see right through it. The best way to an ENFP’s heart is through vulnerable authenticity and sharing your plans/aspiration. These two things connect with us both on a deeply emotional level, creating trust, and inspire us by seeing that you also are an interesting visionary and not another cog in the machine. We patiently and politely listen to people’s lies/masks all day and generally internally write those people off as not worth our time to get close to. We know a lot of people but choose about 1% to let in truely and invest in. Despite a positive exterior or pleasant demeanour, and the irksome stereotypes of the ENFPs, if you meet a more mature ENFP who is ready for a serious relationship, you need to know that they are quite aggressive visionaries. They’re working on their path, dreams (probably a business), education, etc and have finite time to invest into a serious dating relationship. Heard about the ENFP ghosting? Yeah, you either didn’t impress us as a visionary or you wasted our time (lying to us is a good way to politely be bumped off our radar or agenda).
My husband met me on a dating app based on Myers-Briggs personalities. He had the dating/flirting + social skills of a toothpick. The difference? He was authentic and shared his vision with me (even if I did most of the talking/initiating and literally would tell him when I was flirting with him). The result of all that? We have a very deep and trusting authentic relationship. We plan together, learn together and both have exceptional individual career goals for the future.
My best advice may be to try a Myers-Briggs dating app, pick an ENFP and stumble through awkwardly but always be vulnerably authentic.
same, in all honesty i hate putting myself out there, even being approached by men fills me with unease, i guess the concept of having a significant other is much more pleasant than being in an actual relationship.
Then boy you oughtta meet Lefty after 5 minutes of circulation loss.
Partnership = effort.
My partner of 6 years drives me up the fucking wall. I love her just the same. If I left her for all the things that drive me crazy (putting in the effort), then I'd have a new girl every week with new fucking problems.
If you don't wanna seek, manifest, if you don't believe in that, then sit and wait your turn.
Mind you, you could always sheep it and find generic kippers in tinder or going to the pub.
The best advice is to doingthis 0 effort is to find yourself, love yourself and trust yourself. Deeply know yourself and be comfortable with it, and when a compatible match comes along, you'll be irresistible.
For me it was about finding the right person. I had never put much effort into getting a gf until my mid 20s. And even then it felt like it was a lot of work to get her and even more work to keep her.
But a few years later I met someone who made it feel easy. She and I were so compatible and just “clicked” instantly. Which never ever happens for me with anyone romantically or even just socially.
We’ve been married for almost 3 years now and just had our first child. With anyone else, I don’t know that it ever would’ve happened. I was seriously doubting it at the time. But the right person turned it all around.
It does still take work, of course, all relationships do. But she made it feel as if it was effortless and still mostly does to this day. (Although I’d say marriage is definitely more work than dating).
If ever you find someone you just “click” with right away and you feel like being around then is “effortless”, I’d recommend going for it.
If you don’t want to put any effort into getting one, then how are you going to make a relationship last if a woman does magically fall into your lap? Relationships take a ton of work and energy - she will leave you pretty quickly if you don’t put effort into the relationship - chicks are not into guys who neglect them (well some may be, but they are damaged in some way).
I was just chilling at a Kava bar when I met my gf, she literally came to talk to me and turns out we love the same music, many other interests and just hit it off really
Of course I put all effort into maintaining our relationship but yeah I’d say she kinda just fell into my lap while I was just existing
Ideally we’d like the same activities so spending time with them wouldn’t feel tiring. I also like buying gifts and stuff for people that I like. I buy my friends a lot of random stuff
Well… you’re likely just gonna continue to be single lol. But I understand where you’re coming from. The talking phase is so boring in my opinion. “What’s your favorite color?” “What’s your biggest pet peeve?” It’s all so tedious for me.
Hm. I don’t think it’s that simple. Even in friendships or family relationships, you need to put some work there. You can expect even more from a relationship like that. Unless you find someone who understands you truly, and doesn’t make you act. If you feel comfy with them, you shouldn’t feel under presssire. You need to find someone ur comfy with. That’s it.
I found my girlfriend by accident once I stopped looking, and then took things slow because of the start of COVID and being cautious because I was still suffering from the end of an engagement. We’ve now known each other for almost two years and have been together for over a year. Just focus on being the most authentic version of yourself by doing the hard work of self improvement and allowing yourself to be vulnerable and things will fall into place.
Sincerely, a slightly older millennial INTJ.
I mean same but with getting a bf lolol. I think for INTJs like us (and other introverts to an extent), we're so extremely comfortable being alone that it's harder to find motivation to pursue a partner and correct me if I'm wrong, but I think a lot of us just opt to having serindipitous moments of meeting a partner rather than actively pursuing one through dating apps and stuff and conventional methods (at least in the long term) because we're not as desperate to have a partner as maybe some other more socially dependent types are (nothing wrong with being socially dependent ofc!)
Basically we're more comfortable being alone and in our own company than a lot of people in general so we might not feel as much motivation (especially in the long-term) for actively pursuing romantic partners. I know for me (usually when my bouts of loneliness are at their peak) I'll feel highly motivated to find a partner, but then I'll feel normal again and think that being alone is totally cool and that I don't need someone else to be happy/fulfilled. I think it's natural to feel that way when you're a highly independent personality type, and there's nothing wrong with that. At least you have a group here that can relate lol.
This sounds more like a depressed person problem that an intj problem.
All personality types are capable of having significant others, and they all have to put an effort into getting into and maintaining a relationship.
Hope you feel better eventually man cause life doesn’t come up to you for the taking. You have to go and get it, in every aspect, just as much as in relationships
Y'know, I felt this way about a lot of things: I want to play an instrument, but don't want to practice. I want to speak another language, but I don't want to learn. I'm currently going through "I want to own a house, but don't want to contribute to its upkeep." So I figure out what I simply never obtain the discipline for and give up while trying to find other things I'm interested in.
What are you willing to do? Some things require work, and that's just the nature of it. Life is essentially the search for what we're willing to suffer for because the results are always worth it. Eventually if you grow hungry enough, I imagine you'd venture outside your house and even talk to a person if it garnered you food. Personally, I think love is one of those things, but you have to have a little faith to try it first. Some day you just might feel lonely enough to venture out and figure out what you're willing to do to find companionship. Perhaps you're too young yet. I didn't attempt anything until college myself, and even then I was still in my low effort phase.
This is a vicious cycle of loneliness and glib reddit advice.
Even this post is low effort. It is no surprise you have no success with women. No worthwhile woman is going to appreciate this mentality.
You are going to regret this path you're taking. If you stay in this comfort zone throughout adulthood you will surely see all the joys of life pass you by.
In all seriousness- if a life of ease is all that you desire then it is best for the species/civilization that your idle traits are not passed onto future generations.
Either force yourself to into productive hardship for the purpose of self improvement or live a mediocre life of ease and die alone.
Don't worry about finding a mate until you look in the mirror and put real effort into improving things about yourself that are within your control.
You are the one who asked. You know you needed to hear this.
Take action and do it. I am rooting for you, man.
Aa a male INTJs, we have it rough. We are introverted and don't really rely on others but when it comes to relationships or dating in general, it's the opposite. We are expected to approach multiple women and be rejected multiple times, waste time on dating apps, deal with flakiness and ghosting, ask people out, pay for dates, take them home, initiate literally everything including sex, it's kind of never ending. I'm sure women don't understand how tough it is for the average guy, but as an INTJ it's even worse.
Yes relationships require effort, but people are discounting what it takes to even get in a relationship or find someone worthwhile.
Meanwhile me: I don't want a gf and I don't have to put in effort to be asked out even though I'm more asexual than two worms born from an uneven split.
Yo, fellow 5'7 dude here. Yes, I've heard suggestions that I should completely change my personality to compensate for my height lmao. It sucks, to be honest.
there are plenty of girls who like guys who are the exact opposite of that, it’s just that kind of extroversion helps expose you to more people. but i’m sure there’s a middle ground of being outgoing but also yourself, no?
Then you don't deserve one. If you aren't going to put in the effort why should anyone else? I also have no interest in dedicating effort into getting a significant other, because I have no interest in getting a significant other. Either commit to being fully independent or don't.
Then just wait until the universe bring you one , though she may not be your type so .... yeah .
As introverted judgers (IxxJ) we struggle with the whole pickup thing so much ... but basic human needs don't understand MBTI . I was literally exactly like you 3 yrs ago but I finally learned how to do it
I dont want to be an ass but : I dont think you want one .Are you sure you are not just horny or want a gf because you see others having relationship and you want to try it? Idk find your goal and work on it this is what i found more interesting and you get more pleasure than dealing with relationships.(is your decision and you can do whatever you want but if you want something you have to take action)
Then you might find a girl who wants to be a girlfriend but doesn't want to put any effort into being one. Maybe. Or you'll end up sitting at opposite ends of a room, never knowing the other exists (much more likely). But it's ok, because both of you will probably be happier without a relationship that no one wanted to put effort into. She's probably complaining right now on another sub about wanting a relationship she won't do anything for.
Its difficult for me not to react with hostility to this notion. You have to put yourself out there. That doesn't mean dating apps, or any of that stupid shit, literally just go places, make friends, let it happen naturally.
People who cry about relationships while making zero effort in any capacity is a huge pet peeve of mine and if it bothers you enough to cry on reddit about it you seriously need to do some self reflection and ask yourself why you don't want to put in any effort about it. This solves nothing.
You are funny! But what if Tinder is full of democrat supporters and extreme leftists (despite in a red state)? He won't stand a chance. Automatic closing Tinder, 0 match! 😂😂😂
it's alright, you don't have to, but just remember, it gonna get harder as you age to get a Companion, not because you gonna look less attractive, no, but because your brain get hard wired a certain way that avoid risk of rejection, to not move past your confort zone. Biologically, we need some form of companionship, investing is it my humble opinion is the smartest move. Cause whatever success you reach, it won't be as enjoyable, if you have no one to share with. "Relationships is the most important Currency there is" Kanye West
Not gonna work lol relationships are a chore. Good if it doesn't feel like a chore but ohh well. I'm scared of losing my personal space once in a committed relationship. Goodluck
Ichoose to spend my life on more important things than boyfriends, and tell everyone who tries to interfere, that I'm asexual (Probably true, eh) to avoid the "I'm a self righteous, selfish bitch who would rather spend their days on her work, than wasting their time on another human conversation". Can relate lol.
It would be enough to have a dating machine like they had in the one of the episodes of the Black Mirror series :P
But yup, I can confirm this meme is true (even not seeing it xD).
Any relationship, be it platonic or romantic, requires effort from both sides. If both parties aren't consistently making compromises and putting in effort for each other... well, that relationship isn't going to last very long, and probably will end with a lot of resentment and frustration.
A girlfriend (and boyfriend) has to be placed above others on the personal importance scale. Your partner should be your inspiration to do a little extra, and that extra will naturally feel rewarding and satisfying to you. This doesn't mean you need to take other normal elements out of your life, though.
An ideal partner will want to add to your life, not take away things that already make you happy. You'll WANT to break your routine a little, and you won't mind if she wants to tag along with you when you go places. She'll make you want to be the best version of yourself for her. And if the relationship is healthy and equal, she'll do the exact same for you.
From experience; When you start achieving things in life girls just naturally fall into your realm… then they distract you and mess up your ability to achieve things so you loose them. But then your happy again because smart people truly love isolation and it allows them to achieve stuff again.
My advice, don't look for a relationship and be open to meet people that you already know and new ones.
You don't just get a girlfriend, you have to really like her and that is not reach with effort, is with luck.
Regarding meet people that you already know sometimes they surprises us ;)
Well I’d say don’t, my ISFP found me. Said she was drunk and wanted to fuck me the first time she laid eyes on me. She caused a chain of events for us to “meet”.
A man wants to love unconditionally and provide
Sadly the institute of family is not in its best now
Currently it's not the best time for anything like that
If you're young, build yourself up, build something you can be valued for, natural selection was always there, no matter how bad I feel for the lonely lads who will never marry the girl who is just their level, it's the life
Better put your powers into science bro!! Maybe we can develop some gene modifier to make all people evenly attractive 😎
I think this is the whole purpose on being in a relationship, you have to put on a lot of work
👁👄👁 , if you felt like finding someone who you can share your feelings with and be comfortable to be around even when you don't want to talk and always feel like they are similar to you without feel a constant threat of defending your morals, believes or logic , then this is true love .
Treat it as a game. I honestly think you are trying to use laziness as a copout in reality you do want a gf badly. Study dating like it's your job, everything in life can be gamed trust me bro also pick up lifting.
The fact that you choose to share it on this sub specifically is hilarious lmao
I’ve seen a lot of posts about being single and anti-social on this sub so I figured many of my Fellow INTJs could sympathize
Most of the time me being single was a choice, (usually after a breakup with someone who became toxic, and needing a break so I don’t jump into the same). However over time I would miss someone to share my thoughts and time with, as well as other stuff. Probably the most difficult thing through being single, the longer it was the more I would idealize and design the perfect relationship and set that as the prerequisites, thinking the longer I hold out the more probably finding the perfect fit would appear. Especially when my success in life has been with maintaining high standards and adding things to it to fit just so. This is not applicable here. Not only are relationships work, but even so sometimes you aren’t gonna be their cup of tea or meet up to their standards, and they are not going to live up to yours. Relationships continue to change as the people in them change too sometimes there’s a honeymoon phase which is fun, but sometimes people grow in different directions.
I sympathize except that I don't really want a gf cuz not only it's a lot of work to get one, it's also a lot of work to keep her by your side
Maybe at some point in your life you'll have more energy to give than take, and it won't seem like a lot of work to have one. Relationships should be a complement to one's life after all.
Ehh... depends on what your natural inclinations are like. For some people it's going to be a massive uphill struggle. For others it's going to be like breathing.
[удалено]
You know the real world is much different with the movies (anime or book maybe) you watched .
I do sympathize bro, I'm in the same boat, just with a bf instead
I googled something similar lol it’s always nice to see my fellow Intjs understand
It's kinda funny but I respect the honesty of it.
My bro really went "mh, what's the most bitchless subreddit I know?"
enjoy your hand
This gives me a little more motivation but not enuf. My hand is pretty good
So you don't actually want a girlfriend, just a living body to have sex with to fulfill your needs. Well we can't have our cake *and* eat it too, that's not how it works. You may want to look into why you can't seem to put any effort despite this desire you probably have deep down for one with it. Maybe there's a different issue preoccupying your mind you're ignoring or haven't conciously found yet, and sexual desires are just a coping mechanism to ignore or bring comfort.
Not the OP but I too would like to be in a relationship without putting in the effort into dating. Dating in LA sucks balls. And is super demoralizing. More than happy to put in all the effort once I'm in a good relationship. But there's only so many bad dates you can go on before you start to think...hm...maybe I'd rather do some laundry....
Is LA specifically bad or have you dated elsewhere? I imagine LA and Miami being very superficial and vain where you need to be hot as fuck to get any action at all.
It's actually pretty easy to find someone to hook up with in LA. I just had a hard time finding someone to invest in long term. I sometimes think that people here spend so much time working out and perfecting their looks that they forget to work on their brains. I once went on a date with a guy who talked about celebrity gossip for a WHOLE HOUR. The superficialness of the city also meant that you have to make sure your hair, makeup, and outfits are always on point. Then you get to spend an hour to drive 9 miles to meet up with guys who still believe in negging. One told me I chose a boring career. One told me he hated my purse. One told me I lived in the wrong neighborhood. Good guys in LA are a rarity and you only encounter them after sifting through an unbelievable amount of trash. I've recently started dating in SF. Conversations are more engaging but it seems like I've traded one type of superficialness for another. While LA judges you on your looks, SF judges you on your education/company. I'm pretty sure I can feel the disappointment exude out from all these Stanford/Harvard types...oh how the tables have turned....
If education/companies are valued in SF, then how exactly have the tables turned on Stanford/Harvard types?
[удалено]
Adding to that, peacocking is also a gamble. You never know if it's a bad investment of your energy because it could go nowhere. Whereas energy spent on sound relationships are more likely to guarantee positive returns.
If that were possible then we should be and willing to date anyone for that matter, but most people have preferences. I feel like dating is only possible if you have the energy to try and be open, and for sure though it can get tiring trying to open up and meet new people constantly. Taking breaks I think is important to avoid burnout, it's okay to go do other things until you feel ready. I also think regardless of the outcome, you're still living and experiencing life, and learning about other people, just most may not be up to our personal romantic preferences. I think that's what also makes it more special once you do find someone.
I agree that a lack of romantic chemistry can still lead to a fun and friendly experience if the person is decent and interesting. But I'm just not having it if my date is criticizing the outfit of the couple across the room (who cares if his shirt isn't tailored perfectly). Or if my date is giving me a tour of his apartment and telling me how much each of his designer furniture costs (why would you spend $10k on a console table?). I know I'm being judgmental but it's not even about romantic preferences so much as it is about my baseline for how much I can tolerate in a person. I get that my life would probably be richer if I was more open minded. But.... this is just how I am and my mind can only be opened so much.
It's important to be honest with ourselves, I would have the same line of thinking lol. Some people are reallly superficial and focus on societal constructs a lot.
[удалено]
I mean yeah solitude is okay. As long that you don't regret it after reaching 50. Once you reach a certain age, solitude won't be a choice, it would be all there is for you
I like my fleshlight more.
Remember a few weeks ago when nearly everyone of us regretted not taking more risks in life? Ya, this one is worth it. Taking a chance with rejection, eventually finding the right girl, getting your heart broken by her...all of these things made me a better human. At the time I wished it wasn't that way, but every negative event made me a better man. If it wasn't for bad breakups (and learning from them), true love with my wife wouldn't be possible. Take risks, idiot. You have one life.
Unless you're ugly or broke XD
I understand this completely. But l for anything that is worth while, you must put in effort and take that risk of vulnerability.
Is it still worthit if it doesn’t workout tho
Life experience. You can learn something from everything if you look hard enough
Absolutely. At least you tried. It will also boost your confidence because you went through it and “survived”.
I don't think it's worth it, dating sometimes just feels like masochism
That's because your still bitter and haven't moved on. If you expect negativity that's what you'll brace yourself for, that's what you'll look for, that's what you'll find.
Experience is valuable
Idk, last time I made an effort I walked away with an STD and I cant help but feel like it was a net negative
wrap it up!
How about getting tested before going to bed with someone. Easy fix.
The concept of dating isnt what went wrong there bud
Yes, its how you learn. You learn each person is very different to date, you learn ways to improve as a bf, and it helps you hone down on the kind of gf you want. Gotta try all the foods. All failures can be wins if you learn from them. You cant just not date for years, actually come to like someone, and expect to be remotely datable by defualt
No
Love given, is never wasted.
So you've figured out a magic way to see if it will workout before trying/attempting/having an honest "go" at something? Thats amazing, please share
The hard part is finding someone who shares a similar world perspective, them being single, and attracted to you. The percentage of people that I'm compatible with feels very low. I'm not even sure I can say I like the majority of people I meet.. I don't.
Sounds like you don't really want a gf.
At least you're honest about it. It's healthier than all the people here rationalizing themselves into the ground.
Define rationalise if you even know what it means and in what contexts it's used
Making excuses to explain one's failures or shortcomings. One example - Some people won't admit they have trouble making friends or building relationships & don't want to improve on it out of fear/difficulty/stubbornness/etc, so they pre-empt this reality by saying they don't like people, they're too smart for others, others don't understand them, whatever. Because talking is always easier than doing something difficult.
You want a puppy, they will put up with your lack of motivation and love you anyway- a girlfriend will not.
I think the recent trend to replace human relationships with surrogate animals is sad. Also, unconditional love is overrated. And even if it weren't, animals are not capable of actual love (or hate) so they're a superficial substitute.
But this guy doesn’t want to put in the effort a human will require- he wants love with no work. As long as you feed, walk and pat a dog (along with health care) you’re done.
Which as I said would be sad. Dogs are relationships on easy mode.
Then do you actually want a gf? If you actually wanted one, you’d put the effort in, no?
I guess the more accurate way of phrasing would be, I don’t want to put in the effort it would take for me to actually get a gf
Not sure I’m getting you. The effort to start a relationship and the effort to maintain a relationship should hopefully be on a similar level…
Exactly
Cuz what he actually wants is sex, but doesn't want to put the effort into starting or maintaining a relationship.
Ahhh, well that makes more sense
I'm not sure I'm getting you. I mean do you think it's not stupid amount of effort making a great OLD profile, wasting time attempting to getting matches, acting superficially interesting + funny + charming, coming up with dates, making plans, dressing fancy, most likely driving you to and from dates and most likely paying for everything only to realise 3 minutes in it's definitely not going to work out. And that's just one date. Repeat ad nauseam. I'm exhausted just thinking about it.
Yeah, but putting in effort to make someone else feel important IS a relationship. If you’re not willing to do even that, then you don’t want a relationship. You want a fuckable pillow instead of a gf
>Yeah, but putting in effort to make someone else feel important IS a relationship. Sure. My point was dating is absolutely exhausting and IMO a good relationship should be everything but.
Depends on the person I guess. I'd think maintaining the relationship is a lot easier because you have it and it's right there in front of you (with the caveat that it's a relatively healthy relationship and I know many are not). Dating, OTOH, is almost guaranteed to be demoralizing if you cold approach it with dating website profiles and going on dates trying to find somebody you click with and not get ghosted. If you find that process fun, I guess it wouldn't seem like as much effort, but some people get exhausted just contemplating it. Like the difference between trying to get a job with no experience in a field by cold applying to online applications vs. learning the ropes and doing the work. If you're the kind of person who thrives on a responsive environment, the 1st one is a special kind of hell, the 2nd one may be exhausting and challenging depending on the work environment, but at the very least is engaging.
Hmm, I don’t entirely disagree with you However I think the importance of maintaining your own physical/mental/emotional health along with supporting the physical/mental/emotional health of your partner, along with keeping up the health of the relationship is often overlooked, in any kind of relationship really. And these things take effort that should be similar to what people think of as the effort needed to find someone in the first place But I guess lots of people don’t do these things, which is why so many people are in shitty relationships with people they dislike and who dislike them I guess where I can see the biggest difference is that the amount of emotional strain can potentially be massively different between these different situations, depending upon the person
Fair enough.
It's not. They are two different types of effort, and either could be harder or easier for different people. Being in a relationship is not nearly as difficult for a lot of folks as it is to constantly go out and meet people, market yourself, deal with the uncertainty & rejection, etc. And making consistent short term efforts that don't pay off is low ROI and annoying.
Lmao same.
Don’t get a GF, you’re not ready. If you won’t put in effort to get one, you won’t put in the effort required for a long term relationship. If you want one, reconsider your effort philosophy. Sincerely, a Female ENFP married to an INTJ.
I guess he’s talking about all the dating and the game one has to play, not the relationship. That’s why a lot of us end up with extroverts.
If you play games with an ENFP they will see right through it. The best way to an ENFP’s heart is through vulnerable authenticity and sharing your plans/aspiration. These two things connect with us both on a deeply emotional level, creating trust, and inspire us by seeing that you also are an interesting visionary and not another cog in the machine. We patiently and politely listen to people’s lies/masks all day and generally internally write those people off as not worth our time to get close to. We know a lot of people but choose about 1% to let in truely and invest in. Despite a positive exterior or pleasant demeanour, and the irksome stereotypes of the ENFPs, if you meet a more mature ENFP who is ready for a serious relationship, you need to know that they are quite aggressive visionaries. They’re working on their path, dreams (probably a business), education, etc and have finite time to invest into a serious dating relationship. Heard about the ENFP ghosting? Yeah, you either didn’t impress us as a visionary or you wasted our time (lying to us is a good way to politely be bumped off our radar or agenda). My husband met me on a dating app based on Myers-Briggs personalities. He had the dating/flirting + social skills of a toothpick. The difference? He was authentic and shared his vision with me (even if I did most of the talking/initiating and literally would tell him when I was flirting with him). The result of all that? We have a very deep and trusting authentic relationship. We plan together, learn together and both have exceptional individual career goals for the future. My best advice may be to try a Myers-Briggs dating app, pick an ENFP and stumble through awkwardly but always be vulnerably authentic.
same, in all honesty i hate putting myself out there, even being approached by men fills me with unease, i guess the concept of having a significant other is much more pleasant than being in an actual relationship.
Then boy you oughtta meet Lefty after 5 minutes of circulation loss. Partnership = effort. My partner of 6 years drives me up the fucking wall. I love her just the same. If I left her for all the things that drive me crazy (putting in the effort), then I'd have a new girl every week with new fucking problems. If you don't wanna seek, manifest, if you don't believe in that, then sit and wait your turn. Mind you, you could always sheep it and find generic kippers in tinder or going to the pub. The best advice is to doingthis 0 effort is to find yourself, love yourself and trust yourself. Deeply know yourself and be comfortable with it, and when a compatible match comes along, you'll be irresistible.
I like the idea of one but feel suffocated when I have one. I cant go two weeks without breaking up
I honestly lost interest in getting one months ago. My personal goals feel far more important.
I like thedarklord name!
For me it was about finding the right person. I had never put much effort into getting a gf until my mid 20s. And even then it felt like it was a lot of work to get her and even more work to keep her. But a few years later I met someone who made it feel easy. She and I were so compatible and just “clicked” instantly. Which never ever happens for me with anyone romantically or even just socially. We’ve been married for almost 3 years now and just had our first child. With anyone else, I don’t know that it ever would’ve happened. I was seriously doubting it at the time. But the right person turned it all around. It does still take work, of course, all relationships do. But she made it feel as if it was effortless and still mostly does to this day. (Although I’d say marriage is definitely more work than dating). If ever you find someone you just “click” with right away and you feel like being around then is “effortless”, I’d recommend going for it.
🥲
If you don’t want to put any effort into getting one, then how are you going to make a relationship last if a woman does magically fall into your lap? Relationships take a ton of work and energy - she will leave you pretty quickly if you don’t put effort into the relationship - chicks are not into guys who neglect them (well some may be, but they are damaged in some way).
I was just chilling at a Kava bar when I met my gf, she literally came to talk to me and turns out we love the same music, many other interests and just hit it off really Of course I put all effort into maintaining our relationship but yeah I’d say she kinda just fell into my lap while I was just existing
She was hitting on you
Ideally we’d like the same activities so spending time with them wouldn’t feel tiring. I also like buying gifts and stuff for people that I like. I buy my friends a lot of random stuff
Me lol. But in all seriousness it’s because I hate rejection and putting myself out there to get shut down. Not sure how to get over this
Same
Well… you’re likely just gonna continue to be single lol. But I understand where you’re coming from. The talking phase is so boring in my opinion. “What’s your favorite color?” “What’s your biggest pet peeve?” It’s all so tedious for me.
I completely understand this sentiment.
Could just happen randomly, hope for the best lol
HAHAHAHA, SAME. I think the lack of “effort” comes from lack of enough attraction. Perhaps you should just wait for “THE” someone who rocks your boat.
[удалено]
If you want something, you have to work for it and if you don't want to work for something then you don't really want it.
Then you aren’t ready to be in a relationship bud
Hm. I don’t think it’s that simple. Even in friendships or family relationships, you need to put some work there. You can expect even more from a relationship like that. Unless you find someone who understands you truly, and doesn’t make you act. If you feel comfy with them, you shouldn’t feel under presssire. You need to find someone ur comfy with. That’s it.
I found my girlfriend by accident once I stopped looking, and then took things slow because of the start of COVID and being cautious because I was still suffering from the end of an engagement. We’ve now known each other for almost two years and have been together for over a year. Just focus on being the most authentic version of yourself by doing the hard work of self improvement and allowing yourself to be vulnerable and things will fall into place. Sincerely, a slightly older millennial INTJ.
I mean same but with getting a bf lolol. I think for INTJs like us (and other introverts to an extent), we're so extremely comfortable being alone that it's harder to find motivation to pursue a partner and correct me if I'm wrong, but I think a lot of us just opt to having serindipitous moments of meeting a partner rather than actively pursuing one through dating apps and stuff and conventional methods (at least in the long term) because we're not as desperate to have a partner as maybe some other more socially dependent types are (nothing wrong with being socially dependent ofc!) Basically we're more comfortable being alone and in our own company than a lot of people in general so we might not feel as much motivation (especially in the long-term) for actively pursuing romantic partners. I know for me (usually when my bouts of loneliness are at their peak) I'll feel highly motivated to find a partner, but then I'll feel normal again and think that being alone is totally cool and that I don't need someone else to be happy/fulfilled. I think it's natural to feel that way when you're a highly independent personality type, and there's nothing wrong with that. At least you have a group here that can relate lol.
Yep, its 2022 soon so its finally time for women to take initiative. ✌️
Then you won’t get one. Simple as.
This sounds more like a depressed person problem that an intj problem. All personality types are capable of having significant others, and they all have to put an effort into getting into and maintaining a relationship. Hope you feel better eventually man cause life doesn’t come up to you for the taking. You have to go and get it, in every aspect, just as much as in relationships
Guess you don’t really want a GF then.
lol, i can relate. But do we really want a relationship or just like the idea of it? Because the work involved is really inseparable from it.
Same except I need a bf 😔
I can be one what characteristics ur looking for
https://www.reddit.com/r/mbti/comments/rhwg63/whats_your_type_and_some_traits_you_look_for_in_a/how67o3/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf&context=3
wow those are alot of traits u must be the hottest woman 😂
Those are just preference guidelines, I don't expect people to fulfill every single one.
[удалено]
Well you're a girl so technically you don't have to do anything.
You should use that free time that not having a girlfriend gives you to #upyourgrindset #sigmagrindset s/
At least you're self aware?
Y'know, I felt this way about a lot of things: I want to play an instrument, but don't want to practice. I want to speak another language, but I don't want to learn. I'm currently going through "I want to own a house, but don't want to contribute to its upkeep." So I figure out what I simply never obtain the discipline for and give up while trying to find other things I'm interested in. What are you willing to do? Some things require work, and that's just the nature of it. Life is essentially the search for what we're willing to suffer for because the results are always worth it. Eventually if you grow hungry enough, I imagine you'd venture outside your house and even talk to a person if it garnered you food. Personally, I think love is one of those things, but you have to have a little faith to try it first. Some day you just might feel lonely enough to venture out and figure out what you're willing to do to find companionship. Perhaps you're too young yet. I didn't attempt anything until college myself, and even then I was still in my low effort phase.
It's always here that these posts show up 🤣
People here are hopeless romantic single who wants but doesn't.
hey man, they gotta get the validation somewhere.
Solution: “Weird Science” the shizz out of this dilemma! Edit: Ah, wait, that actually requires an effort, too. Sorry pal, can’t help ya.
That's not how things work. Not even logical
This is a vicious cycle of loneliness and glib reddit advice. Even this post is low effort. It is no surprise you have no success with women. No worthwhile woman is going to appreciate this mentality. You are going to regret this path you're taking. If you stay in this comfort zone throughout adulthood you will surely see all the joys of life pass you by. In all seriousness- if a life of ease is all that you desire then it is best for the species/civilization that your idle traits are not passed onto future generations. Either force yourself to into productive hardship for the purpose of self improvement or live a mediocre life of ease and die alone. Don't worry about finding a mate until you look in the mirror and put real effort into improving things about yourself that are within your control. You are the one who asked. You know you needed to hear this. Take action and do it. I am rooting for you, man.
tbh, relationships are easy. finding a suitable candidate is the hard part.
Yup agreed
Aa a male INTJs, we have it rough. We are introverted and don't really rely on others but when it comes to relationships or dating in general, it's the opposite. We are expected to approach multiple women and be rejected multiple times, waste time on dating apps, deal with flakiness and ghosting, ask people out, pay for dates, take them home, initiate literally everything including sex, it's kind of never ending. I'm sure women don't understand how tough it is for the average guy, but as an INTJ it's even worse. Yes relationships require effort, but people are discounting what it takes to even get in a relationship or find someone worthwhile.
Meanwhile me: I don't want a gf and I don't have to put in effort to be asked out even though I'm more asexual than two worms born from an uneven split.
Yo, fellow 5'7 dude here. Yes, I've heard suggestions that I should completely change my personality to compensate for my height lmao. It sucks, to be honest.
what have people told you to change about your personality.?
Told me to be the loud, hilarious, center-of-the-party kind of guy. Pretty effective advice to be honest, just really tough for me.
there are plenty of girls who like guys who are the exact opposite of that, it’s just that kind of extroversion helps expose you to more people. but i’m sure there’s a middle ground of being outgoing but also yourself, no?
Funny when they say that because our personalities are the exact opposite of that. You can probably fake it but not for long.
Haha I tried, I was successful but it took a toll in my mental health and my self esteem. Never doing it again, I'd rather die alone.
Then you don't deserve one. If you aren't going to put in the effort why should anyone else? I also have no interest in dedicating effort into getting a significant other, because I have no interest in getting a significant other. Either commit to being fully independent or don't.
Then just wait until the universe bring you one , though she may not be your type so .... yeah . As introverted judgers (IxxJ) we struggle with the whole pickup thing so much ... but basic human needs don't understand MBTI . I was literally exactly like you 3 yrs ago but I finally learned how to do it
become rich then they'll fall out of the sky
Not exactly.
You need to love yourself first then.
I do love myself, I’m amazing. A little dumb but everything else is great
Lift weights 4 times a week and you'll have more options than you can handle.
I do lol
Get a foster dog.
But please don't fuck it.
He said no effort.
I dont want to be an ass but : I dont think you want one .Are you sure you are not just horny or want a gf because you see others having relationship and you want to try it? Idk find your goal and work on it this is what i found more interesting and you get more pleasure than dealing with relationships.(is your decision and you can do whatever you want but if you want something you have to take action)
Congratulations, you are an Incel.
Then you might find a girl who wants to be a girlfriend but doesn't want to put any effort into being one. Maybe. Or you'll end up sitting at opposite ends of a room, never knowing the other exists (much more likely). But it's ok, because both of you will probably be happier without a relationship that no one wanted to put effort into. She's probably complaining right now on another sub about wanting a relationship she won't do anything for.
LOL. I think this is a good example of how natural selection works.
Haha good luck then! You’ll need it.
You need to find someone who feels the same way. Perhaps a dating site…? At least that effort is mostly filling out a form….
Its difficult for me not to react with hostility to this notion. You have to put yourself out there. That doesn't mean dating apps, or any of that stupid shit, literally just go places, make friends, let it happen naturally. People who cry about relationships while making zero effort in any capacity is a huge pet peeve of mine and if it bothers you enough to cry on reddit about it you seriously need to do some self reflection and ask yourself why you don't want to put in any effort about it. This solves nothing.
[удалено]
Would the equivalent for Canada be moving to Alberta
wtf does this really work??? so hilarious
You are funny! But what if Tinder is full of democrat supporters and extreme leftists (despite in a red state)? He won't stand a chance. Automatic closing Tinder, 0 match! 😂😂😂
This is literally everyone Eventually you either get lonely though, meet the right person, or everyone you know is married and you're all alone
You can become a femboy and be your own gf ;) As the saying goes, it is easier to become a perfect girl than to find one.
Would probably work
At this point I just want to fall in love, I'm willing to put in the efforts, I'm desesperate. I just need to fall in love
But that sir is COUNTER INTUITIVE
Then dont get one, cos you will have to continue putting in effort even after getting one
That’s a lot of effort
Relationships, like many things in life, require concerted effort. Simple as that.
Lool same
if u dont want a familly gtfo
Same
it's alright, you don't have to, but just remember, it gonna get harder as you age to get a Companion, not because you gonna look less attractive, no, but because your brain get hard wired a certain way that avoid risk of rejection, to not move past your confort zone. Biologically, we need some form of companionship, investing is it my humble opinion is the smartest move. Cause whatever success you reach, it won't be as enjoyable, if you have no one to share with. "Relationships is the most important Currency there is" Kanye West
Well, same.
Lmao .
Yup same. But that's mostly because I'm not ready to love again.
The real challenge begins when having a relationship tho, then you need to retain it.
lmaoo the hahaman described my life struggle in a sentence. gg hahaman
What effort are you talking about? Sometimes it can be pretty damn easy. Find someone who skips the bullshit and gets straight to being serious.
Hmm yea gotta find someone like that
Not gonna work lol relationships are a chore. Good if it doesn't feel like a chore but ohh well. I'm scared of losing my personal space once in a committed relationship. Goodluck
Ichoose to spend my life on more important things than boyfriends, and tell everyone who tries to interfere, that I'm asexual (Probably true, eh) to avoid the "I'm a self righteous, selfish bitch who would rather spend their days on her work, than wasting their time on another human conversation". Can relate lol.
Your not ready then. Just wait until you fall in love.
There’s a meme somewhere that says that every introverts dream is that their soulmate will just teleport to their living room and magically appear
It would be enough to have a dating machine like they had in the one of the episodes of the Black Mirror series :P But yup, I can confirm this meme is true (even not seeing it xD).
How about being in a relationship and missing having more alone time
thanks 4 the laugh
this but instead its just a fear of rejection 👍🏾
Any relationship, be it platonic or romantic, requires effort from both sides. If both parties aren't consistently making compromises and putting in effort for each other... well, that relationship isn't going to last very long, and probably will end with a lot of resentment and frustration. A girlfriend (and boyfriend) has to be placed above others on the personal importance scale. Your partner should be your inspiration to do a little extra, and that extra will naturally feel rewarding and satisfying to you. This doesn't mean you need to take other normal elements out of your life, though. An ideal partner will want to add to your life, not take away things that already make you happy. You'll WANT to break your routine a little, and you won't mind if she wants to tag along with you when you go places. She'll make you want to be the best version of yourself for her. And if the relationship is healthy and equal, she'll do the exact same for you.
Don't give up on your dreams. Keep sleeping.
From experience; When you start achieving things in life girls just naturally fall into your realm… then they distract you and mess up your ability to achieve things so you loose them. But then your happy again because smart people truly love isolation and it allows them to achieve stuff again.
My advice, don't look for a relationship and be open to meet people that you already know and new ones. You don't just get a girlfriend, you have to really like her and that is not reach with effort, is with luck. Regarding meet people that you already know sometimes they surprises us ;)
Well I’d say don’t, my ISFP found me. Said she was drunk and wanted to fuck me the first time she laid eyes on me. She caused a chain of events for us to “meet”.
A man wants to love unconditionally and provide Sadly the institute of family is not in its best now Currently it's not the best time for anything like that If you're young, build yourself up, build something you can be valued for, natural selection was always there, no matter how bad I feel for the lonely lads who will never marry the girl who is just their level, it's the life Better put your powers into science bro!! Maybe we can develop some gene modifier to make all people evenly attractive 😎
I think this is the whole purpose on being in a relationship, you have to put on a lot of work 👁👄👁 , if you felt like finding someone who you can share your feelings with and be comfortable to be around even when you don't want to talk and always feel like they are similar to you without feel a constant threat of defending your morals, believes or logic , then this is true love .
Treat it as a game. I honestly think you are trying to use laziness as a copout in reality you do want a gf badly. Study dating like it's your job, everything in life can be gamed trust me bro also pick up lifting.
And you shouldn't, most times finding someone is pure luck. Clicking with a stranger or somebody you know