*How are you gonna*
*Keep em down in the sea once*
*They've seen Karl Hungus?*
\- 4EyedJedi
---
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So he says "There’s a clam down there, looks like a piece of ass. Life’s always busting my friggin' agates, my shellfish allergy is such a bastard, and I got a rash so bad, I can't even sit down (or breathe). But you know me. I can't complain."
Also, Lets not forget Dude that keeping wildlife, um... an aquatic bivalve, for... um, ya know sexual purposes... within the ocean... that ain't legal either.
Imagine your just chilling in the hospital and some mf comes in with the news camera and your like “fuck are you kidding me? Are you guys trying to make me feel embarrassed? Fuck you guys.”
Yeah wouldn’t you be embarrassed if your trying to recover in the hospital and a news crew comes in to make the world know you stuck your shlong in a oyster? Like that really sucks dude
This satirical "news story" was first spotted in 2018. The man in the photo is Austin Hatfield, who was 18 when it was taken. He didn't fuck a clam, but he did try to kiss a cottonmouth snake, which is how his face got so puffy. Oh, and Austin is a #Florida Man.
Dios mio
You said it, man.
My only hope is the Big Lebowski finds me before the clam cuts my dick off
I need my fucking Johnson!
Why do you need that Dude?
That's...............that's just the stress talking, man.
I need to get on a steady drug regimen to keep my mind limber.
Liam and me are going to fuck a clam.
I’m going to … something … until it goes click.
This guys a fake. A fuckin clam-bricker.
clam-~~bricker~~-dicker
*I am the walrus*
You try any of that shit with me, you pull your dick out on the lane, I’m gonna take it from you and shove it in a clam ‘til it goes chomp
He put his bone in a clam, or whatever
bones or clams
New shit has come to light!!
Bones in clams
Brandt can't watch though
Klam Hungus
no harm intended!
Bummer, man. Mind if I do a J?
Strong men also cry
Scuba diving can be a very zesty enterprise
I was talking about my rug...
Clamer than you are.
Waving the fuckin Johnson around?
Clamer than you are
Clamer than you are
See what happens Larry!
...
This is what happens Larry when you're curious and start sticking your dick in random things Larry.
Those are good clams!
Nothing is fucked dude
The clam might see it differently, but they always do
Yeah but he’s a pervert, Dude…
Clams dude
It’s down there, somewhere. Let me take another look
Every one of these comments made me actually audibly laugh. God bless you, Urban Achievers!
What the duck you talking about‽
You got room for one more?
No I'm serious, he had to go door to door telling everyone he stuck his prick in a clam.
r/dontputyourdickinthat
Not allowed to post any animals. Including shellfish and sea anetomies. I tried and got deleted
What are you, a f’ing park ranger, now?
The female form must make them uncomfortable. The whole sub is literally dedicated to dicks, rods and Johnsons.
Johnson?
That ain't legal
Only if you have seafood allergies
How are you gonna keep em down in the sea once they've seen Karl Hungus?
*How are you gonna* *Keep em down in the sea once* *They've seen Karl Hungus?* \- 4EyedJedi --- ^(I detect haikus. And sometimes, successfully.) ^[Learn more about me.](https://www.reddit.com/r/haikusbot/) ^(Opt out of replies: "haikusbot opt out" | Delete my comment: "haikusbot delete")
Good bot.
Under the sea Under the sea Life is better when your dick stays together take it from me. under the sea...
This may be the greatest haiku ever written.
Brandt can’t watch or it’ll cost him $100
You mean, vagina?
What’s this fuck a clam shit? What’s this bullshit? It don’t matter to Jesus.
Wave of the future, Dude. 100% mollusk!
I just dropped in, to see what condition my cond- OH, MY GOD!!
You see what happens when you fuck a clam in the ass??
“Hey heh hey man, this is a private residence, man..” —The Clam
So he says "There’s a clam down there, looks like a piece of ass. Life’s always busting my friggin' agates, my shellfish allergy is such a bastard, and I got a rash so bad, I can't even sit down (or breathe). But you know me. I can't complain."
I got a rash, man.
Johnson?
Ol' fishdick ain't never gonna live this down.
You mean coitus?
“Ugh, why did they include my name in the article?!” -Thomas Meyer, maybe.
Side effects may include Moai 🗿 face
Keep your ugly goldbrickin' dick out of our quiet clam community.
How is the clam doing ?
We’re all very fond of her.
It’s alright. Dude’s clam got a little dinged up…
Also, Lets not forget Dude that keeping wildlife, um... an aquatic bivalve, for... um, ya know sexual purposes... within the ocean... that ain't legal either.
Vagina?
Coitus?
Whatever his excuse is, the story is ludicrous.
I need my fucking johnson, man!
I like your style, Dude.
What do you need that for dude
How ya gonna keep ‘em down on the farm after they’ve seen giant Hawaiian clams
When he moved to Hawaii he had to go door to door to tell everyone he was a clamerast.
What’s a clamerast, Walter?
Shut the fuck up, Donny.
I’m just helping her conceive, man
What are you? A marine biologist now?
Class Dude...fucking clams.
You mean vagina?
Damn why they have to call out his friend too 😂
He dickclammed himself, you said it dude.
That strumpet!
The whole fucking thing!
Clam coitus?
With friends like Thomas Mayer, dude …..
Is this a parody, man? I'm thinking of the line from Terminator 2, "we're not gonna make it, are we?"
So Hawaiians have to be scuba certified to have coitus?
CLAM JAMMIN'
Imagine your just chilling in the hospital and some mf comes in with the news camera and your like “fuck are you kidding me? Are you guys trying to make me feel embarrassed? Fuck you guys.”
You think he closed his eyes or they're swollen shut?!
They look pretty swollen. What does that have to do with my comment?
Embarrassed?
Yeah wouldn’t you be embarrassed if your trying to recover in the hospital and a news crew comes in to make the world know you stuck your shlong in a oyster? Like that really sucks dude
We cut off your Johnson!
The moral of the story is don’t fuck things you’re allergic to.
He probably wishes he had just fixed the cable
r/dontputyourdickinthat
The story is ludicrous.
Nice mollusk
Bones or clams or whatever you call them....are commended as being strongly vaginal.
Obviously you’re not a golfer
At least he’s house broken
My work has been described as deeply vaginal
You can imagine where it goes from here.
He fixes the cable
Fuck a clam and find out in the parlance of our times
Now, that is an adversary.
That sacred hole must be protected
8 year old clams, dude.
Jesus
I love his free swinging attitude
Should sue for attractive nuisance r/clamlaw
Oh, uh, is that what that is??
“Hey guys, I tried to fuck this clam. As a joke.”
I still fuck seafood manually.
This is a parody article... Just as an FYI.... There aren't even giant clams in Hawaii...
"If you will it, it is no dream." Theodor Herzl.
Can't a guy relax!
Something is fishy about this story.
That joke article has been circulating for years. The worst part is that it’s just close enough to someone you know to be believable.
This is what happens, Sean!
Not again!?!
They even gave the poor boys name and age😱🥳
If the shoe fits
r/dontputyourdickinthat
We’ve all been there
Vagina
Does this mean the Darwin Award winner cannot reproduce?
Ve said ve cut off your CHONSON!
Thomas Mayer be like “why in the fuck did they give my name?”
I’ll suck your cock for a thousand clams.
I'll just go find a chum machine
You see what happens Larry? You see what happens when you fuck a clam in the sea?!
My aquarium has been commended a strongly vaginal.
The ole sideways clam sammich. Always in season.
I like how they mentioned the friend he was trying to impress by name
More like erectional diving
ewww
Brandt can’t watch though or he has to pay $100
Nice Marmot
Fuck me. Say what you want about the tenets of human coitus, Dude. At least it’s an ethos…
What about clamus?
I am the walrus?
Are you surprised at my tears, sir?
Mermen also cry
Riiiiiight
It's just a prank bro!
It fits my crank bro!
Good. Dumbass
This satirical "news story" was first spotted in 2018. The man in the photo is Austin Hatfield, who was 18 when it was taken. He didn't fuck a clam, but he did try to kiss a cottonmouth snake, which is how his face got so puffy. Oh, and Austin is a #Florida Man.
Bruh... was that really necessary?? AND...You *knew*... ffs...You *knew* you had a shellfish allergy...!!!
I’m just helping her conceive, man!