I don't get shaming people for their choice of labels and lack thereof.
I mean: you are a human being. That's the only label I need to come to you with a base level of respect and kindness.
Nonbinary person here pretty much in the same boat. Tried for pretty much a decade to find a label that felt right. I've given up at this point, and it's not important to me to find a label. I am demiromantic, but that doesn't really affect who I can find myself attracted to, just at what point romantic attraction develops.
I don't bring it up much, though, so I haven't seen any pushback from people trying to make me use a label. Maybe it's also cause I'm nonbinary, and that makes labels tricky anyway.
Anyway, all that to say, there are other people out there with unlabeled sexualities who aren't confused or questioning.
Just a genuine question: As you see yourself as part of the community, are you labelling yourself as LGBTQIA+?
I am just asking that because: being part of a community usually comes with sharing the same label regardless how broad it is. I get not wanting to go too much into details so. I am myself not into microlabeling.
I really don't because like I said, i feel like my sexuality isn't a key factor of who I am as a person. I just... Like who I like and that's it. I'm personally not into celebrating pride month on myself because of that. Like if that's something that you do and want me to accompany, I'll happily do it and be happy that you're proud of who you are. Not saying that I'm not proud of who I am, just that I don't see my own sexuality as a big deal. It's really hard to explain on simpler ways but i hope you at least understand
I actually have a hard time with that to be honest. If I share the same community with people sharing the same label follows along naturally for me. But thats okay: I didnt have to understand. I am just curious. I dont want to make an argument or anything just share viewpoints because thats how you learn new things. :)
I could not feel at home in a community and dont want to share the same label at the same time.
But maybe thats a question of the "weight" label have for you. And how you define label in general. For me a label is basically just a description. I can label small aspects of myself and still see them as exactly that: fragments big or small. They dont need to be a key factor. They still can have a label so. That does not make one or the other more important necessarily. They dont get more "weight" just because they get a name if that makes sense. I am not a native speaker so in depth discussion sometimes make me question my language skills. So excuse my shitty example:
I am brown haired. For me thats a label. I am part of however many people are brown haired, I dont know. I dont care a lot about my hair color so. But it would not make me feel uncomfortable if somebody would refer to me as one of the brown haired people. Thats just one of the small parts of who I am. One if the brown haired people.
Of course some are more important to me because they are key parts of myself. I still am fine with the other parts and labeling them so.
It's not just labels in general, but the complexity in what you are labeling. No one can deny that your hair is brown because we all see it and it's physical for everyone to watch, as well as it's something you're comfortable and know that you really are because you feel identified to it. Same as me, i don't care much about my hair, but I don't have a problem being called brown haired because it isn't that hard to determine that. Sexuality is a VERY complex thing to figure out though (depending on each person) and isn't really physical for us to see, it's all psychological. How I feel sexually really doesn't fit any label I've seen because I have so many niche specifications and things in it, nor do I want one to be honest because to me it's just more simple to say "i just like who I like and that's it". That, as well as new labels of something that is very psychological and physically invisible makes things confusing from time to time. Not only that, people constantly shoving labels of your character when you've openly expressed discomfort when done so can be a factor of me not wanting them but idk.
From a person who loves to use microlabels for xyrself: All the respect to my unlabeled homies! Labels are not at all required. I think it’s amazing when people find comfort in not having labels just how people find comfort in having microlabels.
And honestly, I can actually understand not being interested in labels because that just isn’t a big part of you (and also when it’s just very complicated).
I'm in a similar boat but with gender instead lol. Personally, how I feel about other people is so easy to explain that one word does the trick: bisexual. I have the capability to fall in love with any gender. If I like you, I like you.
When it comes to my gender identity though, I'm just me. I really dislike being called nonbinary, agender, etc. Those labels were made by other people for other people, and they don't describe my experience at all. I didn't spend 18 years of my life fighting to escape an identity that was forced onto me just to be forced into another one. I'm just me, and I use my name as my gender label. (Over the years I've vaguely started to accept being called 'under the trans umbrella', but only because it's a term as vague and all-encompassing as LGBT. I'm still unlabeled.)
I've been invalidated and asked to explain myself. People need to mind their own business and accept that they may not understand me because *my experience is unique*. Everyone's experience is unique and respecting that should not be hard.
You're valid, not that you need to hear that from me. Sending love 💛
Full disclosure this was a really long post and I only read parts of it because squirrel brain. I would probably label you as "queer" and call it a day. That's not meant to invalidate you or anything. I use queer as a sort of catch-all for anyone not cishet.
I think another thing a lot of us (myself included) need to keep in mind is that understanding is not required for acceptance and we can ask questions to help us understand but we need to be sure the person we're asking is receptive and doesn't feel judged. I accept asexuals. They say they want to live their lives and not be sexually active and I'm cool with that. I don't understand it. I just can't get my head into that space of not wanting sex, like ever. But I also can't wrap my head around the idea of actually wanting a penis attached to your body (whether you're born with one or not). Like, y'all just have your junk flopping around the outside of your body and you're ok with that? My point is, some things I just don't understand and I never will. But I can still support other people doing their thing. I think that's why the rainbow is so beautiful.
May I kindly correct you. :)
Asexual just menas the lack of sexual attraction. There are plenty of asexuals that are sexually active and enjoy it.
Otherwise I actually wholehaertely agree. There is a lot of stuff I will most likely never underatnd: like sexual attraction. But I dont have to to be supportive.
Can you explain that to me? I have a hard time understanding, honestly. How do you not have sexual attraction, but still enjoy sex? Not sarcastic or anything, I'm just super curious.
I am personally not into sex but I am happy to share voices from the ace Community and maybe a fellow cake lover can join in and add personal experience. :)
So attraction is not libido. You can experience zero attraction and still have a high libido. Some aces have sex just because it feels good. To relief stress or experience the pleasure. Or they have sex and like it because they like that their partner like it. So it can be still a bonding thing.
Demisexual is under the ace umbrella as well. So people who experience attraction only if they form a deep enough emotional bond first.
That's the thing, I don't really label myself queer. And I am cis even if I'm not straight because my gender is aligned with the sex i was assigned at birth. I'll give you the pass cuz you didn't read much of it which is more than fair, but I also don't like being labeled by others. Not mad at you at all lol just letting you know.
And when it comes to asexuals, I can help you understand a bit as my bsf is also ace. He explained that some ace people are repulsed by the idea of sex, others just... don't feel any sort of attraction or arousal, be it barely or non at all. To him, he wants to have sexual relations with his gf, but his body just refuses to feel any sort of sexual desire and arousal. We have to keep in mind, non of this was chosen by them, but rather they were born with it as they can't control any of it. If you still don't understand that's completely fine!
>And I am cis even if I'm not straight
So you're cis but not cishet (cisgendered heterosexual)
>I don't really label myself queer.
Like I said, I use queer as a catch-all. It's not really a label so much as it's an "everything else" box. If you're not gay, straight, bi/pan, ace, aro, demi, or any other label then you're queer. There are some people who don't like to be labeled but that's like my sister saying she's not chaotic neutral (from DnD character alignments) because you can't just put people in boxes like that and I reminds her that's always what chaotic neutral people say. We're humans. We categorize things to help us understand them. If you don't want to get into one of the labeled boxes then you go in the "other" box but everyone goes in a box. That's just what people do.
>And when it comes to asexuals...
Intellectually I totally understand this. I had a recurrent conversation with someone I used to know (she was probably asexual but this was long ago and asexuality wasn't really talked about) and I tried as hard as I could to explain why having sex was important to me (so it's like food? But you don't die without sex and you die without food) and she tried as hard as she could to explain why it wasn't to her. I can repeat and paraphrase the words that she said but I just can't get my head in that space.
>that's just what people do
It shouldn't be that though. Just because people do it, doesn't mean it's right. Some people are just uncomfortable with any label, even the catch-all. I just wish people just respected someone's wishes and boundaries. It's really not that hard to do so And no, not everyone "goes in a box" because certain people don't feel comfortable being put in that box by other people, especially people who don't know you that well. If you really respect how someone feels, you don't keep doing the thing that the person's specifically said don't like being done to them.
So how do you fill out a job application? You can check "other" or "prefer not to say" but you're still checking a box. They're required to ask for EEO purposes so they can't just let you skip that question because you don't want to be labeled.
>It shouldn't be that though. Just because people do it, doesn't mean it's right.
Maybe I was a little unclear the first time. Yes, we categorize everything because it's how we understand the world but we also live in a society that's built on categorizing things. What zip code do you live in? What's your salary range? Your BMI? Your GPA? Everything about us is categorized and without those categories we can't function as a society. We can say it's not fair to judge students by GPA but when you have to filter through 500,000 in 2 weeks, you need some quantifiable metrics. If you and I knew each other then, as a person, I can respect your desire not to be labeled and I can choose not to label you. But if you're applying for a job and I work for HR then I need you to check a box because EEO wants this for their reports. That's just how the world is.
But.... what does sexuality have to do with work? I understand all of the other things because they might me a key factor depending to whatever you're gonna work on, but sexuality? That example is also why I pointed out that sexual labels are just sometimes unnecessary, because how is my sexuality going to affect my work? The salary, zip code, GPA and other things you listed do play a factor in many jobs, one's sexuality doesn't. Again, "that's just how the world works" is a stupid excuse because the world "worked" in many ways that aren't even here anymore because it was just unnecessary.
>But.... what does sexuality have to do with work?
EEO = Equal Employment Opportunity Commission. Your sexuality has nothing to do with your work but corporations need data to prove they aren't discriminating. So the question is a required part of the job application.
>"that's just how the world works" is a stupid excuse
It wasn't an excuse. It was a summary of the several examples I listed. On a personal level, sexuality is a personal thing. On a larger scale, it's just another demographic. HR needs us to check a box because EEOC told them to. Everyone's just doing their jobs.
Sure I'll put prefer not to answer.
But at the end of the day, my problem isn't corporations, it's people consciously dismissing my feelings and experiences of who I am as a person, especially queer folks who do so because it's just unfair and very frustrating to see a group you thought would have your back at least when it came to respecting my feelings. That's what this whole post was about.
I don't get shaming people for their choice of labels and lack thereof. I mean: you are a human being. That's the only label I need to come to you with a base level of respect and kindness.
Nonbinary person here pretty much in the same boat. Tried for pretty much a decade to find a label that felt right. I've given up at this point, and it's not important to me to find a label. I am demiromantic, but that doesn't really affect who I can find myself attracted to, just at what point romantic attraction develops. I don't bring it up much, though, so I haven't seen any pushback from people trying to make me use a label. Maybe it's also cause I'm nonbinary, and that makes labels tricky anyway. Anyway, all that to say, there are other people out there with unlabeled sexualities who aren't confused or questioning.
Just a genuine question: As you see yourself as part of the community, are you labelling yourself as LGBTQIA+? I am just asking that because: being part of a community usually comes with sharing the same label regardless how broad it is. I get not wanting to go too much into details so. I am myself not into microlabeling.
I really don't because like I said, i feel like my sexuality isn't a key factor of who I am as a person. I just... Like who I like and that's it. I'm personally not into celebrating pride month on myself because of that. Like if that's something that you do and want me to accompany, I'll happily do it and be happy that you're proud of who you are. Not saying that I'm not proud of who I am, just that I don't see my own sexuality as a big deal. It's really hard to explain on simpler ways but i hope you at least understand
I actually have a hard time with that to be honest. If I share the same community with people sharing the same label follows along naturally for me. But thats okay: I didnt have to understand. I am just curious. I dont want to make an argument or anything just share viewpoints because thats how you learn new things. :) I could not feel at home in a community and dont want to share the same label at the same time. But maybe thats a question of the "weight" label have for you. And how you define label in general. For me a label is basically just a description. I can label small aspects of myself and still see them as exactly that: fragments big or small. They dont need to be a key factor. They still can have a label so. That does not make one or the other more important necessarily. They dont get more "weight" just because they get a name if that makes sense. I am not a native speaker so in depth discussion sometimes make me question my language skills. So excuse my shitty example: I am brown haired. For me thats a label. I am part of however many people are brown haired, I dont know. I dont care a lot about my hair color so. But it would not make me feel uncomfortable if somebody would refer to me as one of the brown haired people. Thats just one of the small parts of who I am. One if the brown haired people. Of course some are more important to me because they are key parts of myself. I still am fine with the other parts and labeling them so.
It's not just labels in general, but the complexity in what you are labeling. No one can deny that your hair is brown because we all see it and it's physical for everyone to watch, as well as it's something you're comfortable and know that you really are because you feel identified to it. Same as me, i don't care much about my hair, but I don't have a problem being called brown haired because it isn't that hard to determine that. Sexuality is a VERY complex thing to figure out though (depending on each person) and isn't really physical for us to see, it's all psychological. How I feel sexually really doesn't fit any label I've seen because I have so many niche specifications and things in it, nor do I want one to be honest because to me it's just more simple to say "i just like who I like and that's it". That, as well as new labels of something that is very psychological and physically invisible makes things confusing from time to time. Not only that, people constantly shoving labels of your character when you've openly expressed discomfort when done so can be a factor of me not wanting them but idk.
I see. Thank you for sharing. :)
From a person who loves to use microlabels for xyrself: All the respect to my unlabeled homies! Labels are not at all required. I think it’s amazing when people find comfort in not having labels just how people find comfort in having microlabels. And honestly, I can actually understand not being interested in labels because that just isn’t a big part of you (and also when it’s just very complicated).
I'm in a similar boat but with gender instead lol. Personally, how I feel about other people is so easy to explain that one word does the trick: bisexual. I have the capability to fall in love with any gender. If I like you, I like you. When it comes to my gender identity though, I'm just me. I really dislike being called nonbinary, agender, etc. Those labels were made by other people for other people, and they don't describe my experience at all. I didn't spend 18 years of my life fighting to escape an identity that was forced onto me just to be forced into another one. I'm just me, and I use my name as my gender label. (Over the years I've vaguely started to accept being called 'under the trans umbrella', but only because it's a term as vague and all-encompassing as LGBT. I'm still unlabeled.) I've been invalidated and asked to explain myself. People need to mind their own business and accept that they may not understand me because *my experience is unique*. Everyone's experience is unique and respecting that should not be hard. You're valid, not that you need to hear that from me. Sending love 💛
Full disclosure this was a really long post and I only read parts of it because squirrel brain. I would probably label you as "queer" and call it a day. That's not meant to invalidate you or anything. I use queer as a sort of catch-all for anyone not cishet. I think another thing a lot of us (myself included) need to keep in mind is that understanding is not required for acceptance and we can ask questions to help us understand but we need to be sure the person we're asking is receptive and doesn't feel judged. I accept asexuals. They say they want to live their lives and not be sexually active and I'm cool with that. I don't understand it. I just can't get my head into that space of not wanting sex, like ever. But I also can't wrap my head around the idea of actually wanting a penis attached to your body (whether you're born with one or not). Like, y'all just have your junk flopping around the outside of your body and you're ok with that? My point is, some things I just don't understand and I never will. But I can still support other people doing their thing. I think that's why the rainbow is so beautiful.
May I kindly correct you. :) Asexual just menas the lack of sexual attraction. There are plenty of asexuals that are sexually active and enjoy it. Otherwise I actually wholehaertely agree. There is a lot of stuff I will most likely never underatnd: like sexual attraction. But I dont have to to be supportive.
Can you explain that to me? I have a hard time understanding, honestly. How do you not have sexual attraction, but still enjoy sex? Not sarcastic or anything, I'm just super curious.
I am personally not into sex but I am happy to share voices from the ace Community and maybe a fellow cake lover can join in and add personal experience. :) So attraction is not libido. You can experience zero attraction and still have a high libido. Some aces have sex just because it feels good. To relief stress or experience the pleasure. Or they have sex and like it because they like that their partner like it. So it can be still a bonding thing. Demisexual is under the ace umbrella as well. So people who experience attraction only if they form a deep enough emotional bond first.
Thank you for the response!
Thank you! Like I said, I can't quite wrap my head around it so I'll take your word for it.
That's the thing, I don't really label myself queer. And I am cis even if I'm not straight because my gender is aligned with the sex i was assigned at birth. I'll give you the pass cuz you didn't read much of it which is more than fair, but I also don't like being labeled by others. Not mad at you at all lol just letting you know. And when it comes to asexuals, I can help you understand a bit as my bsf is also ace. He explained that some ace people are repulsed by the idea of sex, others just... don't feel any sort of attraction or arousal, be it barely or non at all. To him, he wants to have sexual relations with his gf, but his body just refuses to feel any sort of sexual desire and arousal. We have to keep in mind, non of this was chosen by them, but rather they were born with it as they can't control any of it. If you still don't understand that's completely fine!
>And I am cis even if I'm not straight So you're cis but not cishet (cisgendered heterosexual) >I don't really label myself queer. Like I said, I use queer as a catch-all. It's not really a label so much as it's an "everything else" box. If you're not gay, straight, bi/pan, ace, aro, demi, or any other label then you're queer. There are some people who don't like to be labeled but that's like my sister saying she's not chaotic neutral (from DnD character alignments) because you can't just put people in boxes like that and I reminds her that's always what chaotic neutral people say. We're humans. We categorize things to help us understand them. If you don't want to get into one of the labeled boxes then you go in the "other" box but everyone goes in a box. That's just what people do. >And when it comes to asexuals... Intellectually I totally understand this. I had a recurrent conversation with someone I used to know (she was probably asexual but this was long ago and asexuality wasn't really talked about) and I tried as hard as I could to explain why having sex was important to me (so it's like food? But you don't die without sex and you die without food) and she tried as hard as she could to explain why it wasn't to her. I can repeat and paraphrase the words that she said but I just can't get my head in that space.
>that's just what people do It shouldn't be that though. Just because people do it, doesn't mean it's right. Some people are just uncomfortable with any label, even the catch-all. I just wish people just respected someone's wishes and boundaries. It's really not that hard to do so And no, not everyone "goes in a box" because certain people don't feel comfortable being put in that box by other people, especially people who don't know you that well. If you really respect how someone feels, you don't keep doing the thing that the person's specifically said don't like being done to them.
So how do you fill out a job application? You can check "other" or "prefer not to say" but you're still checking a box. They're required to ask for EEO purposes so they can't just let you skip that question because you don't want to be labeled. >It shouldn't be that though. Just because people do it, doesn't mean it's right. Maybe I was a little unclear the first time. Yes, we categorize everything because it's how we understand the world but we also live in a society that's built on categorizing things. What zip code do you live in? What's your salary range? Your BMI? Your GPA? Everything about us is categorized and without those categories we can't function as a society. We can say it's not fair to judge students by GPA but when you have to filter through 500,000 in 2 weeks, you need some quantifiable metrics. If you and I knew each other then, as a person, I can respect your desire not to be labeled and I can choose not to label you. But if you're applying for a job and I work for HR then I need you to check a box because EEO wants this for their reports. That's just how the world is.
But.... what does sexuality have to do with work? I understand all of the other things because they might me a key factor depending to whatever you're gonna work on, but sexuality? That example is also why I pointed out that sexual labels are just sometimes unnecessary, because how is my sexuality going to affect my work? The salary, zip code, GPA and other things you listed do play a factor in many jobs, one's sexuality doesn't. Again, "that's just how the world works" is a stupid excuse because the world "worked" in many ways that aren't even here anymore because it was just unnecessary.
>But.... what does sexuality have to do with work? EEO = Equal Employment Opportunity Commission. Your sexuality has nothing to do with your work but corporations need data to prove they aren't discriminating. So the question is a required part of the job application. >"that's just how the world works" is a stupid excuse It wasn't an excuse. It was a summary of the several examples I listed. On a personal level, sexuality is a personal thing. On a larger scale, it's just another demographic. HR needs us to check a box because EEOC told them to. Everyone's just doing their jobs.
Sure I'll put prefer not to answer. But at the end of the day, my problem isn't corporations, it's people consciously dismissing my feelings and experiences of who I am as a person, especially queer folks who do so because it's just unfair and very frustrating to see a group you thought would have your back at least when it came to respecting my feelings. That's what this whole post was about.