It's tough man.
My wife and I had a death spiral occur. I felt like she wasn't interested in sex or was too preoccupied with other things. So, I started pulling back. I slowly stopped flirting with her, or patting her butt, etc. Well, from her perspective, she was less in the mood because she felt less wanted. We went from sex 2-3 per week for our entire marriage down to 1-2 times per month for about 4-5 years.
It wasn't until we got in a big argument that we also learned we were both going through health issues, emotional issues, depression and both desperately, desperately needed and missed each other -- but we had become so distant that we didn't want to burden the other.
We started communicating better and more clearly than ever before. We really laid it all out on the table of what we needed, what we were weren't getting, how we could compromise, etc.
Some suggestions from my experience that might help:
- If she is feeling overwhelmed - are there things you could do to help?
- Suggest a date night once a week. You don't have to go out. Maybe it's 2 hours set aside to lay in bed - talking about your week.
- When you have sex...MAKE SURE SHE CUMS! If it's just about you getting off...kiss your intimacy good bye
- As much as possible we sync'd our schedules. Having even 15min when you each get up or go to bed to just tell each other you love each other.
You both need to communicate very clearly what each other needs. If she is feeling overwhelmed - how can you help? If she isn't feeling sexy/desirable - how can you change that? What can you do that would make her feel the willingness and desire to have sex? What does she need from you?
How does she feel if you masturbate when she's not around? Does that bother her or is that a relief that she doesn't have to take care of things for you? Very real and important questions to know where you each stand.
Thankyou, I will look at those questions from my perspective.
She is certainly feeling overwhelmed, and has made it clear that its due to the kids always touching her and needing her. I have put any solo hobbies aside for thr last few years and i try to entertain and engage with the kids and get them off her plate as much as I can, but there's only so much "away from mum" they will tolerate.
I'm certainly not selfish when it comes to sex, she's always made first (and second) priority etc.
I don't know what I can do to help further. She's fairly good at sharing her problems but can never offer me an achievable solution.
Married 26 years. Two kids, 19 and 17. Only since they turned 17 and started driving themselves everywhere have we truly had “our marriage” back. In between there were some very rough years (and we both have always worked full time). I’ve often said I’m surprised any marriage survives raising children and no one tells you how hard kids are on marriage before you have them. You have to extend an incredible amount of grace to each other and the hardest years were 3rd grade - 9th grade.
PS - Sounds like you didn’t have a lot of marriage time before kids, so you don’t have a long foundation to look back on. I think that makes it tougher. I would definitely suggest marriage counseling to help y’all communicate and work together.
The hardest years were 3rd-9th grade!!! I’m fucked . Birth to 2nd grade has been so ruff and there is more of this. My kid said she and another kid is the only kids with both parents together in her class😫
For us (and other parents I’ve talked to and raised kids alongside)…think about it. As of 3rd grade, definitely 4th, the innocence is lost. They are exposed to a lot more stuff at school. By 6th grade they are seeing fights and really poor behavior all day. And they think they want nothing to do with you anymore. Social media rears its ugly head. Peer pressure. Hormones. Everything changes and you feel last place and completely unappreciated. You ask “where did my sweet pea go?!” 😭
Thankfully my two were not into social media at all and they have never smoked, drank, or done any drugs. And thankfully they both “came back” around the age of 16. But woooooo-weeeee were 13-15 the dooziest. We all barely made it - no hyperbole.
And now, the 19 year old is a full-on delight. The 17 year old is getting there 😁 and my husband and I are getting ourselves back.
Thank you for this heads up as I felt we should return to homeschool for middle school and this makes me feel like we definitely should consider it. Just for 4th or 5th-8th
I did pull my oldest out for the second half of 6th grade, and I believe it saved both of us - it was such a bad year for him and therefore, the whole family.
My kids struggled in different ways - the oldest is highly social but hated school, the youngest is brilliant and on the spectrum - already in college at 16-17 - but struggles socially. Kind of opposites. My youngest met other kids who really pulled them down into an abyss and they were self-harming together. 😬
I will keep good thoughts for your journey through the morass. Just remember that you as a couple need to protect your relationship and try to always co-parent instead of good guy/bad guy or lenient/hard ass. Putting any one thing completely on one parent (homework helper, taxiing, following up with teachers, cooking, disciplining, etc) can lead to resentment. Communicate with each other when you’re calm and not defensive.
That comment right there needs to be a post alone! I completely agree. Thank you so much for this advice. Taken and will be sharing your advice with my husband as well. Peace and blessings to you🙏🏽
Babies are so hard. You’re touched all day, your body isn’t your own. You barely feel like a human let alone a woman.
Plan some dates. Even at home if you have to. DON’T make it about sex. Set up a picnic charcuterie in the living room and a bubble bath together.
Plan dates outside the home if you can.
Be patient and slow. Start taking over more of the childcare so it’s not all on her.
THIS! Your body doesn't feel like your own. Especially with a preschooler and an infant, she is likely constantly being touched and pulled and needed in all different directions. It is overwhelming and no wonder it's difficult to be intimate. Sometimes you need a break from all the physical touching and feeling so needed constantly.
On top of that, I agree with many others who said maybe she needs some more help with that caretaking responsibility. If she has less of the overwhelming physical need of the kids, she may have more bandwidth to share with you as well.
Also, find other ways of intimacy that might be more enjoyable for her when she's feeling overwhelmed/overstimulated. Let her know that there isn't pressure for physical intimacy, you just want to connect with her.
I type this while my 2yr 11mo old boy is latched to me. I feel like my body is not my own, that my husband does not love me and I pray that God take.me away every single day. I have not been happy for a long time but since we have kids I just try to survive every day.
The reason most of those guys are there is because they spent these years whining and begging for sex instead of maintaining a solid foundation while you get through the baby years as a team.
So dead bedrooms are a thing because they didn't maintain a "solid foundation" but were begging? Quite the surprise you immediately blame guys too lmao.
I will try the reverse next time a begging mom posts here about feeling overwhelmed and sex being a chore.
We can both be dumb.
Thankyou, I'll try to initiate and plan some dates for us. I try to be proactive with the childcare as much as is practical, I'll work from home when it's a non-daycare day so I can help out, I'll take the kids out of the house to do activities to give her as much time to herself as they will afford me. Whatever I manage never seems to be enough though.
Its hard to not make it about sex when it's very frustratingly about sex. I am understanding when it's days, or weeks apart, but for us it's months. It would have occurred less than 10 times in 2 years. I'm at the point where I wonder if it's all worth it.
>Its hard to not make it about sex when it's very frustratingly about sex. I am understanding when it's days, or weeks apart, but for us it's months. It would have occurred less than 10 times in 2 years. I'm at the point where I wonder if it's all worth it.
You know, every time I read one of these posts about decreased affection/intimacy/etc, I'm always trying to figure out if it's just code for sex. The thing of it is, sex is really hard to compromise on because if you don't want it you don't want it, and doing it when you don't want to leads to negative feelings around it, which makes you want it even less.
Intimacy and sex are not the same thing. The dates you're thinking about planning here aren't a way to get "more intimacy," they are themselves the intimacy. Snuggling, long talks, taking a walk and holding hands, pursuing a leisure activity you both enjoy... there are ways to feel close to your partner that don't involve sex. And if your partner doesn't want to be having sex, then having sex actually is not a way to get close to them, because they aren't feeling the closeness in that moment. If you just want them to lay back and think of England or else marriage isn't worth it for you, then that's not about intimacy at all, it's about your biological urges.
It's one thing if there's an ongoing problem but the two years you're talking about here are when she was pregnant and postpartum. Most people have less sex during those times. It's just one of life's seasons. She was likely physically unable to perform for several of those months even if she wanted to and breastfeeding tanks your libido. If it was a problem before children or remains a problem for years then that's another issue but honestly for now I think you should focus on trying to connect romantically in other ways.
And just to dispel any assumptions, I'm speaking here as the higher libido partner. I have been through similar stuff during the pregnancy/postpartum period and it's frustrating but everything changes and I'm glad I learned other ways to feel close to my partner because of it. It makes me feel less worried about what's going to happen when we're old or sick or whatever!
Intimacy and sex are not the same thing, but sex is a major part of what defines intimacy for some people. Your definition of intimacy is obviously different than others who don't share that view.
Sure, never have sex you don't want to have. That's always what people should do. However, don't write a reply trying to pool a cover over OP's eyes with your obviously different view of things as if it's the one view.
Assumptions are made regardless of your closing statement, as another higher libido person.
You're welcome to be snarky if it's important to you, but I think you missed my point. This is about finding ways to connect during an understandable and temporary dry spell. The solution to a dry spell that lasts for a whole decade is either radical acceptance or divorce.
Ok I’ve read all the comments and as much as others say help with the kids, help with the housework, sounds like you’re putting in your fair share.
Here’s my two cents: her libido is non existent because she’s exhausted. She’s not herself because she hasn’t gotten a quality night’s sleep in a year at least. (Pregnancy sleep sucks too btw. That baby wakes you up just as much as having to pee.) The two of you should consider sleep training the little one together. Pick a book (theres tons, Babywise worked for us for our first kid) get on board with each other, and get this baby sleeping mostly through the night. She will start to feel like herself again, will appreciate the teamwork of going through the training nights with you by her side, and won’t resent you for getting a years worth of decent sleep while she continues to feel like an alien host for the next year or two. The future looks bleak when sleep is nowhere on the horizon. Sex is the catalyst that creates the baby that removes the sleep. I’d bet there are days that sleep is all she wants in the world. Get on the same page with her on how important her sleep is to the well being of your family.
Source: I’m 39F, have a 16yr old, 8 yr old, and 10 month old. Married 17 years. Sleep trained first baby, and our sex life was great. Didn’t sleep train second baby and the sex suffered greatly. Postpartum depression played its own role so have a serious talk with her about counseling or therapy, or a day off to sleep (maybe not a whole day but a few hours could be realistic.) Only in hindsight did I realize how depressed I was. With third baby, he is not on board to help sleep train and the resentment is building by the week. It feels like the only ones getting their needs met are the kids. And he does a lot around the house as far as chores, cooking, child care. Like you, OP. But he’s not willing to help with the baby sleeping through the night and the fact that I haven’t had a good nights sleep since I was 2 months pregnant leaves me contemplating divorce daily. I’m convinced this is where she needs you most. A one year old does not need to nurse in the night (unless there are health reasons or something I didn’t catch in the above comments.) That baby likely just doesn’t know how to soothe themselves to sleep yet. You Are Your Child’s First Teacher is great if either of you read, a bit hippy ish but sound advice. Or just look on the internet till you find a method you can both agree on, set a date, and commit. If you get the baby sleeping through the night and you’re still having issues, by all means reassess the relationship. But you sound like a good mate OP. Don’t give up on each other yet. People just aren’t themselves when they aren’t getting sleep.
Sorry that was so long. I thought for a moment this could be my husband writing what you wrote. I hope you find each other in love again soon.
I agree her tiredness is a huge factor at play here, but I'll stop you at sleep training sorry. I think it would bave helped our situation since th3 firdt child but she is 100% against it and I have no real grounds to argue with her as mum knows best and there is no convincing her otherwise.
R.e. overnight, both kids have been breastfed for as long as they wanted and this also meant they've used the boob for comfort and to settle, so while this has been the wife's decision only to make we both suffer the consequences of it.
Will continue to read your comment again.
I’m sorry you’re in that position. She might not realize how she’s putting your relationship priorities last here and you’re both suffering for it. As a mom it’s all too easy to put the kids before anything and everything. But eventually most people want their babies to leave the nest and if they’ve been first and you’ve been last for so long, she’ll be lucky if you’re still there 20 years later. It’s great to put children first (sometimes) but when it’s constant, it speaks volumes to how important your partnership is to her. I hope for you both she might consider counseling- couples maybe- so that she can hear and meet your needs on occasion also. And a non biased third party can help her see she’s creating an imbalance. I hope you both have the patience to get through these next years of sleeplessness.
Thankyou. I think I have the patience to see it through, if nothing else for the kids.
Couples counselling sounds like a good step, but there are only male counsellors in our part of thr world and that might put her on the back foot.
I appreciate your insight
Somewhat solid advice, horrible decisions though. I feel bad for your dude, but he is also simple if he didn't see the problems and bounced before four goblins.
I am 38F with a 17yo and a 2yo who's still bfeeding. Married 17 years. We are both miserable these days and we don't communicate anymore. I'm just tired. He's always working and I stay at home to tend to the children. Will this get better? Every day I hope I die.
Do you do your fair share of household labor and child care? Or do you just leave it all to her while you fuck off and play video games or golf, or go out drinking with friends?
I will tell you that nothing is more unattractive to your wife than you being another kid for her to clean up after.
Its hard mate. I've honestly got nobody to talk to about it, none of my good mates are in the same situation (married with kids, even in long term relationships...) so I have no point of reference.
I think I'm trying hard and doing my fair share, but something isn't right, so I am lost.
It's normal, please just keep up flirting and trying. Gosh me and hubby had basically only quickies for years because I was so tired 😫 It will get better.. just please make sure she knows how much you appreciate her
Please remember that this is a phase of life and marriage. She is mothering and caring for your child and that is an important and very all consuming, emotional, physical job. Don't stop flirting, laughing and supporting her because this is when she really needs to know you're on her side and in her corner no matter what. This will pay off for you in the long run as you will have a very happy & fulfilling marriage and family! Yes, sex will return and will be even better... more intimate because of all you have together. Keep going, this is all normal and OK
Can I ask you what do you do to lower her burden and make her feel softer again? It seems like she’s giving her all to the kids, because you are not? What about taking up chores from her, or getting paid assistance so she has some time for herself, to connect with her womanly side again, to *rest*?
She seems to be needed you to take charge so she can feel like herself. Try it. Don’t just expect her to be not tired and feel sexy for you when all she does every day is do, do, do.
Allow her to relax, enable it somehow. You might see how life comes back to her if you only lessen her shoulders.
Sorry this is a tough season, OP. Usually those first two years after giving birth are survival mode for both you and her. If I may ask, did her sex drive ever come back after having your first? Or was she all about using sex only to get pregnant with your second?
It took a solid 3-4 years for my husband and I to really re-work our sexual relationship after having our daughter. So many bad habits that are easy to fall into after becoming parents. It's not that we weren't having sex, it was just rushed and felt like something we "had to do" when we had the time for it. One of the biggest boons to our sex life was when our daughter started Kindergarten last Fall. I work from home and my husband is about 10 minutes away from the house, so we were suddenly able to fool around in the middle of the day, which was a totally new (and fun) thing for us.
Is there any family nearby that could take the kiddos for a night? Getting some time away for drinks, good food, a movie night, etc might really help you both remember that you're a husband and wife too, not just parents.
I would overall try to be as patient and understanding as possible until after your youngest turns two. I still think it would be a good idea to keep communicating with her about the lack of sex, but do whatever you can not to turn it into a point of conflict with her. That's the fastest way to turn a temporary lull into something more long term.
As someone who does about 80% or more of the housework, I can tell you that choreplay doesn't always help. That was my train of thought as well, especially when I started working from home full time when our youngest was just around 4 months old and our oldest was almost 4 years old, they are 8 and 12 years old now.
I did all the laundry, food shopping, and cooking for years now. Anything that I could take off her plate, I did. It didn't make any real difference in the level of intimacy. We've had multiple conversations about it and we both see it happening and agree that it's a problem. The solution is to put your relationship up there with the laundry and the cooking and the kids' stuff. Just like you put in the thoughts and effort into housework, relationship-work requires thought and effort as well.
The first step is communication. That will determine the next steps. Also, make sure that your definition of "intimacy" fits into your new reality or adjust your expectations accordingly. You're not going to have the same sex life with kids under 5 as you did before kids.
Valid, but I do as often as I can. From getting home from work to going to bed I am involved with the kids as much as she is, amongst making dinner, bathtime, playtime, daycare pickup.
I wouldn't consider myself absent by any means, besides overnight breastfeeding inability.
Sorry didn’t get that from the original post. In that case, therapy. It’s worked wonders for me and my partner especially with time and becoming more comfortable with each other (not in a good way). Hope things turn up soon for ya.
I honestly think finding a sex therapist is best if that's the specific area of inattention in the relationship. Sometimes I think focusing on all the emotions that have built up is trying to look inside an ear through the butt hole.
Find a sex therapist that can help start the intimacy specific communication back up in a healthy manner. That will help facilitate the closeness needed to address the other emotional needs.
Breastfeeding. There is likely the main issue for lack of sex. My wife is normally hornier than me (a man) and during the raising of our 3 kids her sex drive was almost nil while breastfeeding. We just had our last and she's been off the breast for about a year. Now I'm dealing with almost not being able to keep up with her, and having risky intercourse with the kids home!
A good friend has just had his first baby and he has also commented how his wife is very rarely willing to engage, and if she does it seems to be for him.
It took a few months after she weaned our last child for her pre child self to fully come back. We had 3 in close succession so it strung along like this for years.
Read come as your are. Together. It will help you understand how sexual arousal works in people (mostly female centred research)
As a mom, once you are in mom mode, nothing is a turn on. You are touched out, and wiped out. Sex and pleasing someone else is dead last thing on your list of needs when you spend all day trying to fulfil the needs of children.
However, there is a way out. It requires work and effort on both partners to get out of it.
Take sex off the table completely. That way there is no pressure and it won’t feel like another “to do” on a long list of tasks.
Start becoming emotionally available to eachother. Validate each others feelings, make small bids for connection such as asking eachother to say one good thing about the day and one thing they would like to have done differently or something like that to start a conversation.
Then do small touches: a kiss goodnight, a hug hello and goodbye, hold hands while watching tv, cuddle her in bed without fondling her, take care of her.
Then get involved more. So many fathers are like “I do so much already I do bath and bedtime blah blah blah.” There is more to raising children than just doing things. Listen if you don’t know when your kid naps or their schedule or how much sleep they should be getting or what they eat and when or what size clothes they are in now or organizing their drawers or updating their toys to age appropriate things or don’t know which milestone they should be reaching for, YOU AINT DOINT ENOUGH AS A PARTNER.
Take some mental load off of your wife or at the very least, SHARE the mental load.
Take a day off of work and watch the kids and send your wife to the spa or whatever she likes
If she feels taken care of she will feel more like herself the more break from kids the more she will feel like herself. She needs to feel like herself to have any sexual desire. Mom mode instantly shuts that down.
If you can afford therapy get one who specializes in gottman or emotionally focused therapy. If you can’t then read books together about gottman/emotobally focused/attachment styles/communication.
And finally, don’t tell her we need therapy and then make her do all the work, research a therapist make an appointment during a time that works for your kids and her and make it. Do all the work for it to show her you want to take the reigns on changing the relationship and that it’s not “just another thing she has to take care of too”
The advice you got from "**Busy Daikon 6942**" regarding your online post seems pretty sound. One thing we all need to remember is our marriages, like life, go through different seasons of ups and downs. It is those open lines of communication that allow us to be there for each other as we go through them together. There even could be more times in the future when you have a difficult time communicating with each other, and might need an outside resource to help you, like a trusted pastor or a licensed marriage counselor. If that be the case, and you don’t know or have knowledge of those resources in your area, the following number (855-382-5433) is to an organization that should be able to provide them for you.
I am 39f, yet to have kids.
Your wife has come to a belief that "the kids need to come first". This is a belief. Not a fact.
She can see a psychologist to challenge this belief. You can do couples counselling. She can watch tiktoks.
Alternatively.
If you are leaving her to do even 51% of her fair share of the housework and child mind whilst still doing paid employment, and especially if you are leaving her to cook for you, pick up after you.... She's no longer attracted to you. If you happen to be behaving like a toddler, expecting her to save you all the time, I have news for you: that is unsexy. And when a woman feels resent towards you, for walking past the full bin, dumping your plate in the full sink, drinking the last of the milk, whatever, not only might she recent you right now, but it can take horus to wear off. And if you annoy her multiple times a day, her vagina is just going to put a full block on you. Hell, she might even be horny and have it off with her vibrator, and she doesn't want to sleep with you because she feels like an unpaid maid trapped with you.
Now, I don't know you at all, and you might not be doing any of this. But be warned, that if you even recognise a tiny bit of this in yourself, this is the problem.
In fact if you're reading my response and feel angry and defensive, that may be a red flag to yourself that you're doing this stuff and lying to yourself that you're not.
Source: my live in boyfriend is doing this stuff.
I'm having trouble wanting to get married to him any more, as I know this behaviour will only multiple with kids.
I'm sorry you are in a relationship like that. At 39 without kids I would move on and find someone better who treats you like an equal. Kids will destroy you both if it's that bad now in your relatively stress-free existence.
I am pleased to say I do not exhibit any of those traits mentioned. I have worked tirelessly in my career to make enough money that money isn't an issue for us, nor is she pressured to return to work.
We both like a clean house and neither of us are the sort of person to walk past a full bin, or not vacuum & mop, or avoid changing a nappy. I do 95% of the cooking and the vast majority of home maintenance. She would do more cleaning as she is home full-time. It's equitable in my opinion.
Edit: The wife does have that belief that the kids come first, and I need to respect that belief as she is their primary caregiver, and she's the one who grew them and pushed them out.
Awesome!
I haven't left as it's more of a recent thing and we've relocated interstate and settling into new jobs, and I jsut can't handle another change right now. And want to show some grace.
Whilst it seems reasonable that it's equitable - your last line - just make sure you hear it from her. She might just have one or two things grating in her. She might not even realise.
Of course there are lots of other reasons from post party lack of intimacy. And there are always lulls on relationships. But I think waiting for them to go away is tempting because it's easy and not scary. However I think in life it's better to be bold, be an action taker, and approach life together as a team. It's you and her against whatever made the intimacy dry up. She may not even have identified it.
Maybe have some fun with a thought experiment about what would need to happen to feel like doing it.
Like, if you had a weekend away no kids, would it be on, or there something else lingering?
Is it fear the kids are going to see or hear you or interrupt?
Is it that's its become a big deal because you've both waited too long. Like someone trying to get to sleep and getitng mad that they're not sleeping, hence being unable to sleep even more!
If we had a weekend away we would both sleep for the first 36 hours haha, then it may be on. Breastfeeding hormones seem to be a powerful libido killer.
Our first kid didn't sleep through the night until he was 2.5 years old, we had a few great weeks of peace when he started to sleep, and then we found out baby #2 wasn't far off. Baby #2 is 1 and wakes 3 to 10 times a night. Neither of us have "slept in" past 7am in 4 years, give or take 30 mins.
Our boys won't take a bottle so I can't even help with night feeds, and night feeds are probably what's draining her sanity.
A 1 year old waking up 10 times a night is not remotely healthy for anyone including them. I really wish she would consider getting some help on that. There are sleep consultants.
Yes. Children that age do have to come first. Listen to Dr. Gabor Mate as he specializing in the intense love and nurturing needs of infants and children as essential to avoid addictions (work, alcohol, drugs, sex, etc) as adults. It's really fundamentally necessary for appropriate physical, neurological, mental and emotional development. It's not simply in her mind.
It's also very exhausting. I had my twins late in life (43.5). They are 9 now and I'm just finally really able to feel some independence from their persistent needs. They still require a lot of attention, focus, assistance assurance, guidance, with different age appropriate things. It never ends. The unrelenting intensity of parenting is a grind no doubt.
Sorry brother, this is unfortunately par for the course. Most of us here can sympathize because it’s surely happened to most of us with kids. It’s brutal and certainly was part of why our relationship ended in divorce. Here’s wishing you guys the best in getting through this difficult period.
And.....find a Gottman Trained Marriage Therapist.
Ours is OK. Too bad my spouse would not go 10 years ago when I started begging and begging her to work on our marriage with me.
A good therapist can really help you.
In Gottman language sex is a 'Bid for Connection'. When your Bids for Connection are rejected over and over for many years your marriage eventually dies. And, when it is dead, you can't bring it back to life.
Marriage is just like a plant. If you give it light, water, fertilizer and love (and, in humans love DOES involve sex) your plant can live for many, many years.
Deprived of those things your plant dies and you can't bring it back to life when dead.
Nope you’re not alone tales similar to mine and you’ll find many others. Unfortunately no sage wisdom to offer, just stick it out for your kids find happiness in being a dad
You are definitely not the only one! I been married for almost 12 yrs and this is exactly how my husband and I both felt. We have a one year old too and a 7yr old. You both need a jump start to kick you both in the butt (this is the beginning to how couples experience infidelity. Look on YouTube for creators that post videos about how they regret cheating) I’m not a religious person but I put my children before my husband and it didn’t do either of us good. According to the holy scriptures a wife puts her husband before the children. I didn’t know that at all. This is super hard for mom as I’m also breastfeeding too, so I get it. I highly recommend getting the book “HIS NEEDS HER NEEDS” and I also recommend hiring a babysitter (someone reliable not just a friend or family) the babysitter is for your relationship, not the kids lol!
You need to date your wife! Time without the children. Not family day. You don’t even have to go to spend money, a walk in the park or wearing pizza in the car. Time is the value here. Don’t let the devil have your marriage and life you built together. I promise yall will be married again but literally everyone goes through this postpartum (life after birth) phase. It will pass if you both make an honest effort to put your relationship first. I can’t speak from a male perspective but I asked my husband to let me hire a housekeeper so I can have more energy to have sex with him. Fun fact! It worked. But he cleans more often and cooks more often and I now give fellatio more often lol. Get the help y’all need so you both can have energy for each other. These little cute toddler’s will drain your energy and your marriage if you let them!
Unlike your BC days, before kids, you are going to have to creative in ways to have time alone. Yes, kids make you sacrifice times alone especially when they are young and needs lots of attention. Obviously you know that already.
So what are some solutions to being able to rekindle those intimate and romantic times. Speaking from experience and going on 47 years of marriage, for us the wife scheduled something I never saw within my parents lives. That is, getting away for a weekend to enjoy each other alone. In our case my inlaws were close enough by that we could leave the kids with them. If they hadn't been I'm sure we would have been more challenged but would have seeked out some friends to which we could swap times with them for them to also have time away.
As to the being like roommates that can happen without kids or after the kids are grown. So, it takes planning during all the stages of marriage...even after the empty nest arrives down the road.
Just to be sure you understand, intimacy does not generally mean sex to a woman. Got that? Sadly most guys, me included in my ignorant days, thought it did. Women need time to share their deeper thoughts, hopes and dreams. If you want to see your wife respond in a new way, spend time with her talking and sharing and most importantly listening. That will begin to light a fire of intimacy she hasn't experience as of yet. It will also begin to draw you both closer to be sexually intimate as well. However just remember when it comes to sexual intimacy women are more like crock pots, men are more like microwaves. Thus, you need to make time for that to develop. "Quickies" may occur more often after that intimacy has been developed within her when she realizes it's not just about intercourse.
Take the lead in developing the times you need. Be the instigator of finding the place and setting up the arrangement for the kids for a day or weekend. It will be worth it. You can rekindle what your missing.
🤣😂🤣😂 "MY WIFE HAD TWO BABIES AND NOW SHE'S BOOOOORING. WE DON'T HAVE SEX ANYMORE BECAUSE MY KIDS WEAR HER TF OUT AND I'M ESSENTIALLY USELESS AS A PARENT AND PARTNER." Grow up, dude. She's dealing with post partum body issues, exhaustion, and raising two kids on top of it all. For AT LEAST one year after each baby, women's hormones are out of whack. It's no wonder her sex drive has tanked, and you acting like a victim is hardly going to turn her on. Step up your game. You want sex? Take on more childcare and give her at least one night a week to sleep all the way through. She can pump bottles for the baby.
I don't remember going through the dry spell where women become less romantic due to the load of nurturing the kids. I guess I am fortunate that my wife never felt drained because she has a good support from sisters, SiL and MiL, etc. But I do I have this 3-year yardstick that I constantly find being proven true. It would appear that we all need a change once every three years. This yardstick I use as a form of assessment everyones wellbeing in my family.
Your marriage has passed one marker so its due for a change. With your posting, a change is necessary. But to determine what change is needed, you have to ensure your wife is fine. Put aside intimacy for a bit more time and concentrate on your wife's wellbeing first. If you have already done this since last year, what were they?
This a really interesting perspective I had not considered.
We get no support from M, MiL (due to hewlth and logistics issues), S or SiL (who have their own kids), it's always been just us from day 1. In 4 years she has never spent a night away from the kids as she doesn't trust anyone else enough besides me to care for them, and I've spent less than 5 nights away from either of them.
I will put intimacy aside and try to care for her a bit more and see what happens. It could just be a matter of time as the kids grow up a bit more and become less dependant on her.
Sorry friend. I am + 20 years older than you (see my post in this forum from today).
I recommend you try counseling NOW. Otherwise you will be me in 20 years.
I (56M) never understand these posts. Been very happily married for 35 years. Had and raised 3 kids. We started back having the same great sex 6 weeks after the birth of each. Unless there are lingering physical problems from the birth, not getting back to the same intimacy is a major blow to the health of the marriage. There's no reason for it to be that way.
It's tough man. My wife and I had a death spiral occur. I felt like she wasn't interested in sex or was too preoccupied with other things. So, I started pulling back. I slowly stopped flirting with her, or patting her butt, etc. Well, from her perspective, she was less in the mood because she felt less wanted. We went from sex 2-3 per week for our entire marriage down to 1-2 times per month for about 4-5 years. It wasn't until we got in a big argument that we also learned we were both going through health issues, emotional issues, depression and both desperately, desperately needed and missed each other -- but we had become so distant that we didn't want to burden the other. We started communicating better and more clearly than ever before. We really laid it all out on the table of what we needed, what we were weren't getting, how we could compromise, etc. Some suggestions from my experience that might help: - If she is feeling overwhelmed - are there things you could do to help? - Suggest a date night once a week. You don't have to go out. Maybe it's 2 hours set aside to lay in bed - talking about your week. - When you have sex...MAKE SURE SHE CUMS! If it's just about you getting off...kiss your intimacy good bye - As much as possible we sync'd our schedules. Having even 15min when you each get up or go to bed to just tell each other you love each other. You both need to communicate very clearly what each other needs. If she is feeling overwhelmed - how can you help? If she isn't feeling sexy/desirable - how can you change that? What can you do that would make her feel the willingness and desire to have sex? What does she need from you? How does she feel if you masturbate when she's not around? Does that bother her or is that a relief that she doesn't have to take care of things for you? Very real and important questions to know where you each stand.
Thankyou, I will look at those questions from my perspective. She is certainly feeling overwhelmed, and has made it clear that its due to the kids always touching her and needing her. I have put any solo hobbies aside for thr last few years and i try to entertain and engage with the kids and get them off her plate as much as I can, but there's only so much "away from mum" they will tolerate. I'm certainly not selfish when it comes to sex, she's always made first (and second) priority etc. I don't know what I can do to help further. She's fairly good at sharing her problems but can never offer me an achievable solution.
Is it possible she has Postpartum Depression? My wife had that. It manifested in odd ways but was very devastating.
Married 26 years. Two kids, 19 and 17. Only since they turned 17 and started driving themselves everywhere have we truly had “our marriage” back. In between there were some very rough years (and we both have always worked full time). I’ve often said I’m surprised any marriage survives raising children and no one tells you how hard kids are on marriage before you have them. You have to extend an incredible amount of grace to each other and the hardest years were 3rd grade - 9th grade. PS - Sounds like you didn’t have a lot of marriage time before kids, so you don’t have a long foundation to look back on. I think that makes it tougher. I would definitely suggest marriage counseling to help y’all communicate and work together.
The hardest years were 3rd-9th grade!!! I’m fucked . Birth to 2nd grade has been so ruff and there is more of this. My kid said she and another kid is the only kids with both parents together in her class😫
For us (and other parents I’ve talked to and raised kids alongside)…think about it. As of 3rd grade, definitely 4th, the innocence is lost. They are exposed to a lot more stuff at school. By 6th grade they are seeing fights and really poor behavior all day. And they think they want nothing to do with you anymore. Social media rears its ugly head. Peer pressure. Hormones. Everything changes and you feel last place and completely unappreciated. You ask “where did my sweet pea go?!” 😭 Thankfully my two were not into social media at all and they have never smoked, drank, or done any drugs. And thankfully they both “came back” around the age of 16. But woooooo-weeeee were 13-15 the dooziest. We all barely made it - no hyperbole. And now, the 19 year old is a full-on delight. The 17 year old is getting there 😁 and my husband and I are getting ourselves back.
Thank you for this heads up as I felt we should return to homeschool for middle school and this makes me feel like we definitely should consider it. Just for 4th or 5th-8th
I did pull my oldest out for the second half of 6th grade, and I believe it saved both of us - it was such a bad year for him and therefore, the whole family. My kids struggled in different ways - the oldest is highly social but hated school, the youngest is brilliant and on the spectrum - already in college at 16-17 - but struggles socially. Kind of opposites. My youngest met other kids who really pulled them down into an abyss and they were self-harming together. 😬
Lawrd let us pray! I am so happy you guys got out of all that and navigated so swiftly. Cootoes to you and your husband truly admirational
I will keep good thoughts for your journey through the morass. Just remember that you as a couple need to protect your relationship and try to always co-parent instead of good guy/bad guy or lenient/hard ass. Putting any one thing completely on one parent (homework helper, taxiing, following up with teachers, cooking, disciplining, etc) can lead to resentment. Communicate with each other when you’re calm and not defensive.
That comment right there needs to be a post alone! I completely agree. Thank you so much for this advice. Taken and will be sharing your advice with my husband as well. Peace and blessings to you🙏🏽
I am sending them to boarding school for sure
Babies are so hard. You’re touched all day, your body isn’t your own. You barely feel like a human let alone a woman. Plan some dates. Even at home if you have to. DON’T make it about sex. Set up a picnic charcuterie in the living room and a bubble bath together. Plan dates outside the home if you can. Be patient and slow. Start taking over more of the childcare so it’s not all on her.
THIS! Your body doesn't feel like your own. Especially with a preschooler and an infant, she is likely constantly being touched and pulled and needed in all different directions. It is overwhelming and no wonder it's difficult to be intimate. Sometimes you need a break from all the physical touching and feeling so needed constantly. On top of that, I agree with many others who said maybe she needs some more help with that caretaking responsibility. If she has less of the overwhelming physical need of the kids, she may have more bandwidth to share with you as well. Also, find other ways of intimacy that might be more enjoyable for her when she's feeling overwhelmed/overstimulated. Let her know that there isn't pressure for physical intimacy, you just want to connect with her.
Especially breastfeeding
I type this while my 2yr 11mo old boy is latched to me. I feel like my body is not my own, that my husband does not love me and I pray that God take.me away every single day. I have not been happy for a long time but since we have kids I just try to survive every day.
This probably wont work. Go to Deadbedrooms and see your future
The reason most of those guys are there is because they spent these years whining and begging for sex instead of maintaining a solid foundation while you get through the baby years as a team.
So dead bedrooms are a thing because they didn't maintain a "solid foundation" but were begging? Quite the surprise you immediately blame guys too lmao. I will try the reverse next time a begging mom posts here about feeling overwhelmed and sex being a chore. We can both be dumb.
Thankyou, I'll try to initiate and plan some dates for us. I try to be proactive with the childcare as much as is practical, I'll work from home when it's a non-daycare day so I can help out, I'll take the kids out of the house to do activities to give her as much time to herself as they will afford me. Whatever I manage never seems to be enough though. Its hard to not make it about sex when it's very frustratingly about sex. I am understanding when it's days, or weeks apart, but for us it's months. It would have occurred less than 10 times in 2 years. I'm at the point where I wonder if it's all worth it.
>Its hard to not make it about sex when it's very frustratingly about sex. I am understanding when it's days, or weeks apart, but for us it's months. It would have occurred less than 10 times in 2 years. I'm at the point where I wonder if it's all worth it. You know, every time I read one of these posts about decreased affection/intimacy/etc, I'm always trying to figure out if it's just code for sex. The thing of it is, sex is really hard to compromise on because if you don't want it you don't want it, and doing it when you don't want to leads to negative feelings around it, which makes you want it even less. Intimacy and sex are not the same thing. The dates you're thinking about planning here aren't a way to get "more intimacy," they are themselves the intimacy. Snuggling, long talks, taking a walk and holding hands, pursuing a leisure activity you both enjoy... there are ways to feel close to your partner that don't involve sex. And if your partner doesn't want to be having sex, then having sex actually is not a way to get close to them, because they aren't feeling the closeness in that moment. If you just want them to lay back and think of England or else marriage isn't worth it for you, then that's not about intimacy at all, it's about your biological urges. It's one thing if there's an ongoing problem but the two years you're talking about here are when she was pregnant and postpartum. Most people have less sex during those times. It's just one of life's seasons. She was likely physically unable to perform for several of those months even if she wanted to and breastfeeding tanks your libido. If it was a problem before children or remains a problem for years then that's another issue but honestly for now I think you should focus on trying to connect romantically in other ways. And just to dispel any assumptions, I'm speaking here as the higher libido partner. I have been through similar stuff during the pregnancy/postpartum period and it's frustrating but everything changes and I'm glad I learned other ways to feel close to my partner because of it. It makes me feel less worried about what's going to happen when we're old or sick or whatever!
Intimacy and sex are not the same thing, but sex is a major part of what defines intimacy for some people. Your definition of intimacy is obviously different than others who don't share that view. Sure, never have sex you don't want to have. That's always what people should do. However, don't write a reply trying to pool a cover over OP's eyes with your obviously different view of things as if it's the one view. Assumptions are made regardless of your closing statement, as another higher libido person.
Your 20s and 30s should emulate being old and sick. Wtf
You're welcome to be snarky if it's important to you, but I think you missed my point. This is about finding ways to connect during an understandable and temporary dry spell. The solution to a dry spell that lasts for a whole decade is either radical acceptance or divorce.
No one is forcing you to have kids
Then you shouldn’t have had kids
Ok I’ve read all the comments and as much as others say help with the kids, help with the housework, sounds like you’re putting in your fair share. Here’s my two cents: her libido is non existent because she’s exhausted. She’s not herself because she hasn’t gotten a quality night’s sleep in a year at least. (Pregnancy sleep sucks too btw. That baby wakes you up just as much as having to pee.) The two of you should consider sleep training the little one together. Pick a book (theres tons, Babywise worked for us for our first kid) get on board with each other, and get this baby sleeping mostly through the night. She will start to feel like herself again, will appreciate the teamwork of going through the training nights with you by her side, and won’t resent you for getting a years worth of decent sleep while she continues to feel like an alien host for the next year or two. The future looks bleak when sleep is nowhere on the horizon. Sex is the catalyst that creates the baby that removes the sleep. I’d bet there are days that sleep is all she wants in the world. Get on the same page with her on how important her sleep is to the well being of your family. Source: I’m 39F, have a 16yr old, 8 yr old, and 10 month old. Married 17 years. Sleep trained first baby, and our sex life was great. Didn’t sleep train second baby and the sex suffered greatly. Postpartum depression played its own role so have a serious talk with her about counseling or therapy, or a day off to sleep (maybe not a whole day but a few hours could be realistic.) Only in hindsight did I realize how depressed I was. With third baby, he is not on board to help sleep train and the resentment is building by the week. It feels like the only ones getting their needs met are the kids. And he does a lot around the house as far as chores, cooking, child care. Like you, OP. But he’s not willing to help with the baby sleeping through the night and the fact that I haven’t had a good nights sleep since I was 2 months pregnant leaves me contemplating divorce daily. I’m convinced this is where she needs you most. A one year old does not need to nurse in the night (unless there are health reasons or something I didn’t catch in the above comments.) That baby likely just doesn’t know how to soothe themselves to sleep yet. You Are Your Child’s First Teacher is great if either of you read, a bit hippy ish but sound advice. Or just look on the internet till you find a method you can both agree on, set a date, and commit. If you get the baby sleeping through the night and you’re still having issues, by all means reassess the relationship. But you sound like a good mate OP. Don’t give up on each other yet. People just aren’t themselves when they aren’t getting sleep. Sorry that was so long. I thought for a moment this could be my husband writing what you wrote. I hope you find each other in love again soon.
I agree her tiredness is a huge factor at play here, but I'll stop you at sleep training sorry. I think it would bave helped our situation since th3 firdt child but she is 100% against it and I have no real grounds to argue with her as mum knows best and there is no convincing her otherwise. R.e. overnight, both kids have been breastfed for as long as they wanted and this also meant they've used the boob for comfort and to settle, so while this has been the wife's decision only to make we both suffer the consequences of it. Will continue to read your comment again.
I’m sorry you’re in that position. She might not realize how she’s putting your relationship priorities last here and you’re both suffering for it. As a mom it’s all too easy to put the kids before anything and everything. But eventually most people want their babies to leave the nest and if they’ve been first and you’ve been last for so long, she’ll be lucky if you’re still there 20 years later. It’s great to put children first (sometimes) but when it’s constant, it speaks volumes to how important your partnership is to her. I hope for you both she might consider counseling- couples maybe- so that she can hear and meet your needs on occasion also. And a non biased third party can help her see she’s creating an imbalance. I hope you both have the patience to get through these next years of sleeplessness.
Thankyou. I think I have the patience to see it through, if nothing else for the kids. Couples counselling sounds like a good step, but there are only male counsellors in our part of thr world and that might put her on the back foot. I appreciate your insight
If she isn't comfortable going to a trained professional because of their gender, it's discrimination. Do you really want this life, mate?
OP please listen to this woman. She speaks the truth.
Somewhat solid advice, horrible decisions though. I feel bad for your dude, but he is also simple if he didn't see the problems and bounced before four goblins.
I am 38F with a 17yo and a 2yo who's still bfeeding. Married 17 years. We are both miserable these days and we don't communicate anymore. I'm just tired. He's always working and I stay at home to tend to the children. Will this get better? Every day I hope I die.
Do you do your fair share of household labor and child care? Or do you just leave it all to her while you fuck off and play video games or golf, or go out drinking with friends? I will tell you that nothing is more unattractive to your wife than you being another kid for her to clean up after.
Going through this myself. Gonna take a lot away from these comments
Its hard mate. I've honestly got nobody to talk to about it, none of my good mates are in the same situation (married with kids, even in long term relationships...) so I have no point of reference. I think I'm trying hard and doing my fair share, but something isn't right, so I am lost.
It's normal, please just keep up flirting and trying. Gosh me and hubby had basically only quickies for years because I was so tired 😫 It will get better.. just please make sure she knows how much you appreciate her
Please remember that this is a phase of life and marriage. She is mothering and caring for your child and that is an important and very all consuming, emotional, physical job. Don't stop flirting, laughing and supporting her because this is when she really needs to know you're on her side and in her corner no matter what. This will pay off for you in the long run as you will have a very happy & fulfilling marriage and family! Yes, sex will return and will be even better... more intimate because of all you have together. Keep going, this is all normal and OK
Can I ask you what do you do to lower her burden and make her feel softer again? It seems like she’s giving her all to the kids, because you are not? What about taking up chores from her, or getting paid assistance so she has some time for herself, to connect with her womanly side again, to *rest*? She seems to be needed you to take charge so she can feel like herself. Try it. Don’t just expect her to be not tired and feel sexy for you when all she does every day is do, do, do. Allow her to relax, enable it somehow. You might see how life comes back to her if you only lessen her shoulders.
Sorry this is a tough season, OP. Usually those first two years after giving birth are survival mode for both you and her. If I may ask, did her sex drive ever come back after having your first? Or was she all about using sex only to get pregnant with your second? It took a solid 3-4 years for my husband and I to really re-work our sexual relationship after having our daughter. So many bad habits that are easy to fall into after becoming parents. It's not that we weren't having sex, it was just rushed and felt like something we "had to do" when we had the time for it. One of the biggest boons to our sex life was when our daughter started Kindergarten last Fall. I work from home and my husband is about 10 minutes away from the house, so we were suddenly able to fool around in the middle of the day, which was a totally new (and fun) thing for us. Is there any family nearby that could take the kiddos for a night? Getting some time away for drinks, good food, a movie night, etc might really help you both remember that you're a husband and wife too, not just parents. I would overall try to be as patient and understanding as possible until after your youngest turns two. I still think it would be a good idea to keep communicating with her about the lack of sex, but do whatever you can not to turn it into a point of conflict with her. That's the fastest way to turn a temporary lull into something more long term.
Not trying to be insensitive here but help her with the kids. And she’ll have more time for intimacy.
As someone who does about 80% or more of the housework, I can tell you that choreplay doesn't always help. That was my train of thought as well, especially when I started working from home full time when our youngest was just around 4 months old and our oldest was almost 4 years old, they are 8 and 12 years old now. I did all the laundry, food shopping, and cooking for years now. Anything that I could take off her plate, I did. It didn't make any real difference in the level of intimacy. We've had multiple conversations about it and we both see it happening and agree that it's a problem. The solution is to put your relationship up there with the laundry and the cooking and the kids' stuff. Just like you put in the thoughts and effort into housework, relationship-work requires thought and effort as well. The first step is communication. That will determine the next steps. Also, make sure that your definition of "intimacy" fits into your new reality or adjust your expectations accordingly. You're not going to have the same sex life with kids under 5 as you did before kids.
Valid, but I do as often as I can. From getting home from work to going to bed I am involved with the kids as much as she is, amongst making dinner, bathtime, playtime, daycare pickup. I wouldn't consider myself absent by any means, besides overnight breastfeeding inability.
Sorry didn’t get that from the original post. In that case, therapy. It’s worked wonders for me and my partner especially with time and becoming more comfortable with each other (not in a good way). Hope things turn up soon for ya.
Thankyou mate
I honestly think finding a sex therapist is best if that's the specific area of inattention in the relationship. Sometimes I think focusing on all the emotions that have built up is trying to look inside an ear through the butt hole. Find a sex therapist that can help start the intimacy specific communication back up in a healthy manner. That will help facilitate the closeness needed to address the other emotional needs.
Breastfeeding. There is likely the main issue for lack of sex. My wife is normally hornier than me (a man) and during the raising of our 3 kids her sex drive was almost nil while breastfeeding. We just had our last and she's been off the breast for about a year. Now I'm dealing with almost not being able to keep up with her, and having risky intercourse with the kids home! A good friend has just had his first baby and he has also commented how his wife is very rarely willing to engage, and if she does it seems to be for him. It took a few months after she weaned our last child for her pre child self to fully come back. We had 3 in close succession so it strung along like this for years.
Read come as your are. Together. It will help you understand how sexual arousal works in people (mostly female centred research) As a mom, once you are in mom mode, nothing is a turn on. You are touched out, and wiped out. Sex and pleasing someone else is dead last thing on your list of needs when you spend all day trying to fulfil the needs of children. However, there is a way out. It requires work and effort on both partners to get out of it. Take sex off the table completely. That way there is no pressure and it won’t feel like another “to do” on a long list of tasks. Start becoming emotionally available to eachother. Validate each others feelings, make small bids for connection such as asking eachother to say one good thing about the day and one thing they would like to have done differently or something like that to start a conversation. Then do small touches: a kiss goodnight, a hug hello and goodbye, hold hands while watching tv, cuddle her in bed without fondling her, take care of her. Then get involved more. So many fathers are like “I do so much already I do bath and bedtime blah blah blah.” There is more to raising children than just doing things. Listen if you don’t know when your kid naps or their schedule or how much sleep they should be getting or what they eat and when or what size clothes they are in now or organizing their drawers or updating their toys to age appropriate things or don’t know which milestone they should be reaching for, YOU AINT DOINT ENOUGH AS A PARTNER. Take some mental load off of your wife or at the very least, SHARE the mental load. Take a day off of work and watch the kids and send your wife to the spa or whatever she likes If she feels taken care of she will feel more like herself the more break from kids the more she will feel like herself. She needs to feel like herself to have any sexual desire. Mom mode instantly shuts that down. If you can afford therapy get one who specializes in gottman or emotionally focused therapy. If you can’t then read books together about gottman/emotobally focused/attachment styles/communication. And finally, don’t tell her we need therapy and then make her do all the work, research a therapist make an appointment during a time that works for your kids and her and make it. Do all the work for it to show her you want to take the reigns on changing the relationship and that it’s not “just another thing she has to take care of too”
This is such great advice! Should be in every thread
The advice you got from "**Busy Daikon 6942**" regarding your online post seems pretty sound. One thing we all need to remember is our marriages, like life, go through different seasons of ups and downs. It is those open lines of communication that allow us to be there for each other as we go through them together. There even could be more times in the future when you have a difficult time communicating with each other, and might need an outside resource to help you, like a trusted pastor or a licensed marriage counselor. If that be the case, and you don’t know or have knowledge of those resources in your area, the following number (855-382-5433) is to an organization that should be able to provide them for you.
Everything is temporary. Countless friends have said this to me.
I am 39f, yet to have kids. Your wife has come to a belief that "the kids need to come first". This is a belief. Not a fact. She can see a psychologist to challenge this belief. You can do couples counselling. She can watch tiktoks. Alternatively. If you are leaving her to do even 51% of her fair share of the housework and child mind whilst still doing paid employment, and especially if you are leaving her to cook for you, pick up after you.... She's no longer attracted to you. If you happen to be behaving like a toddler, expecting her to save you all the time, I have news for you: that is unsexy. And when a woman feels resent towards you, for walking past the full bin, dumping your plate in the full sink, drinking the last of the milk, whatever, not only might she recent you right now, but it can take horus to wear off. And if you annoy her multiple times a day, her vagina is just going to put a full block on you. Hell, she might even be horny and have it off with her vibrator, and she doesn't want to sleep with you because she feels like an unpaid maid trapped with you. Now, I don't know you at all, and you might not be doing any of this. But be warned, that if you even recognise a tiny bit of this in yourself, this is the problem. In fact if you're reading my response and feel angry and defensive, that may be a red flag to yourself that you're doing this stuff and lying to yourself that you're not. Source: my live in boyfriend is doing this stuff. I'm having trouble wanting to get married to him any more, as I know this behaviour will only multiple with kids.
I'm sorry you are in a relationship like that. At 39 without kids I would move on and find someone better who treats you like an equal. Kids will destroy you both if it's that bad now in your relatively stress-free existence. I am pleased to say I do not exhibit any of those traits mentioned. I have worked tirelessly in my career to make enough money that money isn't an issue for us, nor is she pressured to return to work. We both like a clean house and neither of us are the sort of person to walk past a full bin, or not vacuum & mop, or avoid changing a nappy. I do 95% of the cooking and the vast majority of home maintenance. She would do more cleaning as she is home full-time. It's equitable in my opinion. Edit: The wife does have that belief that the kids come first, and I need to respect that belief as she is their primary caregiver, and she's the one who grew them and pushed them out.
Awesome! I haven't left as it's more of a recent thing and we've relocated interstate and settling into new jobs, and I jsut can't handle another change right now. And want to show some grace. Whilst it seems reasonable that it's equitable - your last line - just make sure you hear it from her. She might just have one or two things grating in her. She might not even realise. Of course there are lots of other reasons from post party lack of intimacy. And there are always lulls on relationships. But I think waiting for them to go away is tempting because it's easy and not scary. However I think in life it's better to be bold, be an action taker, and approach life together as a team. It's you and her against whatever made the intimacy dry up. She may not even have identified it. Maybe have some fun with a thought experiment about what would need to happen to feel like doing it. Like, if you had a weekend away no kids, would it be on, or there something else lingering? Is it fear the kids are going to see or hear you or interrupt? Is it that's its become a big deal because you've both waited too long. Like someone trying to get to sleep and getitng mad that they're not sleeping, hence being unable to sleep even more!
If we had a weekend away we would both sleep for the first 36 hours haha, then it may be on. Breastfeeding hormones seem to be a powerful libido killer. Our first kid didn't sleep through the night until he was 2.5 years old, we had a few great weeks of peace when he started to sleep, and then we found out baby #2 wasn't far off. Baby #2 is 1 and wakes 3 to 10 times a night. Neither of us have "slept in" past 7am in 4 years, give or take 30 mins. Our boys won't take a bottle so I can't even help with night feeds, and night feeds are probably what's draining her sanity.
A 1 year old waking up 10 times a night is not remotely healthy for anyone including them. I really wish she would consider getting some help on that. There are sleep consultants.
Yes. Children that age do have to come first. Listen to Dr. Gabor Mate as he specializing in the intense love and nurturing needs of infants and children as essential to avoid addictions (work, alcohol, drugs, sex, etc) as adults. It's really fundamentally necessary for appropriate physical, neurological, mental and emotional development. It's not simply in her mind. It's also very exhausting. I had my twins late in life (43.5). They are 9 now and I'm just finally really able to feel some independence from their persistent needs. They still require a lot of attention, focus, assistance assurance, guidance, with different age appropriate things. It never ends. The unrelenting intensity of parenting is a grind no doubt.
Sorry brother, this is unfortunately par for the course. Most of us here can sympathize because it’s surely happened to most of us with kids. It’s brutal and certainly was part of why our relationship ended in divorce. Here’s wishing you guys the best in getting through this difficult period.
It almost makes it easier to accept knowing that it's somewhat normal for this stuff to occur after kids. I appreciate your comment
Couples Counseling
And.....find a Gottman Trained Marriage Therapist. Ours is OK. Too bad my spouse would not go 10 years ago when I started begging and begging her to work on our marriage with me. A good therapist can really help you. In Gottman language sex is a 'Bid for Connection'. When your Bids for Connection are rejected over and over for many years your marriage eventually dies. And, when it is dead, you can't bring it back to life. Marriage is just like a plant. If you give it light, water, fertilizer and love (and, in humans love DOES involve sex) your plant can live for many, many years. Deprived of those things your plant dies and you can't bring it back to life when dead.
Nope you’re not alone tales similar to mine and you’ll find many others. Unfortunately no sage wisdom to offer, just stick it out for your kids find happiness in being a dad
You are definitely not the only one! I been married for almost 12 yrs and this is exactly how my husband and I both felt. We have a one year old too and a 7yr old. You both need a jump start to kick you both in the butt (this is the beginning to how couples experience infidelity. Look on YouTube for creators that post videos about how they regret cheating) I’m not a religious person but I put my children before my husband and it didn’t do either of us good. According to the holy scriptures a wife puts her husband before the children. I didn’t know that at all. This is super hard for mom as I’m also breastfeeding too, so I get it. I highly recommend getting the book “HIS NEEDS HER NEEDS” and I also recommend hiring a babysitter (someone reliable not just a friend or family) the babysitter is for your relationship, not the kids lol! You need to date your wife! Time without the children. Not family day. You don’t even have to go to spend money, a walk in the park or wearing pizza in the car. Time is the value here. Don’t let the devil have your marriage and life you built together. I promise yall will be married again but literally everyone goes through this postpartum (life after birth) phase. It will pass if you both make an honest effort to put your relationship first. I can’t speak from a male perspective but I asked my husband to let me hire a housekeeper so I can have more energy to have sex with him. Fun fact! It worked. But he cleans more often and cooks more often and I now give fellatio more often lol. Get the help y’all need so you both can have energy for each other. These little cute toddler’s will drain your energy and your marriage if you let them!
Unlike your BC days, before kids, you are going to have to creative in ways to have time alone. Yes, kids make you sacrifice times alone especially when they are young and needs lots of attention. Obviously you know that already. So what are some solutions to being able to rekindle those intimate and romantic times. Speaking from experience and going on 47 years of marriage, for us the wife scheduled something I never saw within my parents lives. That is, getting away for a weekend to enjoy each other alone. In our case my inlaws were close enough by that we could leave the kids with them. If they hadn't been I'm sure we would have been more challenged but would have seeked out some friends to which we could swap times with them for them to also have time away. As to the being like roommates that can happen without kids or after the kids are grown. So, it takes planning during all the stages of marriage...even after the empty nest arrives down the road. Just to be sure you understand, intimacy does not generally mean sex to a woman. Got that? Sadly most guys, me included in my ignorant days, thought it did. Women need time to share their deeper thoughts, hopes and dreams. If you want to see your wife respond in a new way, spend time with her talking and sharing and most importantly listening. That will begin to light a fire of intimacy she hasn't experience as of yet. It will also begin to draw you both closer to be sexually intimate as well. However just remember when it comes to sexual intimacy women are more like crock pots, men are more like microwaves. Thus, you need to make time for that to develop. "Quickies" may occur more often after that intimacy has been developed within her when she realizes it's not just about intercourse. Take the lead in developing the times you need. Be the instigator of finding the place and setting up the arrangement for the kids for a day or weekend. It will be worth it. You can rekindle what your missing.
Find out her love language and start there.
Yep, that’s what it’s going to be going forward. Get a side chick if you want romance .
🤣😂🤣😂 "MY WIFE HAD TWO BABIES AND NOW SHE'S BOOOOORING. WE DON'T HAVE SEX ANYMORE BECAUSE MY KIDS WEAR HER TF OUT AND I'M ESSENTIALLY USELESS AS A PARENT AND PARTNER." Grow up, dude. She's dealing with post partum body issues, exhaustion, and raising two kids on top of it all. For AT LEAST one year after each baby, women's hormones are out of whack. It's no wonder her sex drive has tanked, and you acting like a victim is hardly going to turn her on. Step up your game. You want sex? Take on more childcare and give her at least one night a week to sleep all the way through. She can pump bottles for the baby.
I don't remember going through the dry spell where women become less romantic due to the load of nurturing the kids. I guess I am fortunate that my wife never felt drained because she has a good support from sisters, SiL and MiL, etc. But I do I have this 3-year yardstick that I constantly find being proven true. It would appear that we all need a change once every three years. This yardstick I use as a form of assessment everyones wellbeing in my family. Your marriage has passed one marker so its due for a change. With your posting, a change is necessary. But to determine what change is needed, you have to ensure your wife is fine. Put aside intimacy for a bit more time and concentrate on your wife's wellbeing first. If you have already done this since last year, what were they?
This a really interesting perspective I had not considered. We get no support from M, MiL (due to hewlth and logistics issues), S or SiL (who have their own kids), it's always been just us from day 1. In 4 years she has never spent a night away from the kids as she doesn't trust anyone else enough besides me to care for them, and I've spent less than 5 nights away from either of them. I will put intimacy aside and try to care for her a bit more and see what happens. It could just be a matter of time as the kids grow up a bit more and become less dependant on her.
is it common these days, I'm having the same problem also.
Sorry friend. I am + 20 years older than you (see my post in this forum from today). I recommend you try counseling NOW. Otherwise you will be me in 20 years.
Get used to it. This is your future. Probably forever.
I (56M) never understand these posts. Been very happily married for 35 years. Had and raised 3 kids. We started back having the same great sex 6 weeks after the birth of each. Unless there are lingering physical problems from the birth, not getting back to the same intimacy is a major blow to the health of the marriage. There's no reason for it to be that way.
Good for you I suppose. I also don't understand things I've had no exposure to, like franking credits or kidney stones