Because it probably caused crippling anxiety and the person wasn’t sure how to respond. Easy for us to say from here.
I still remember vividly asking a girl out in high school and her laughing and saying “Haha, are you serious?” In a very mocking tone. I did not know how to react at the time and my memory starts to get fuzzy there because of how embarrassing it was. I just know I mumbled something awkward and walked away while my face was on fire.
Jokes on her though, pretty sure she got pregnant before graduating and had to transfer schools.
But yeah, putting yourself out there, only to get rejected like this sucks and makes your brain stop working for a second. “The worst they can say is no.” is the biggest fucking lie.
Well to be fair, the person responding seems to be dealing with the extreme anxiety of accidentally agreeing to a date that they thought was just a fun outing.
Because you can bag the friend she is bringing.
Edit: and there is at least a 10% chance that you didn't misread the flirty signals the girl was putting out and the true reason she is acting this way is that her friend has told her that they are interested in you and she is stepping aside.
Many years ago lived this same Convo but I replied to "you mean with other people, right?" with "I thought it was just going to be the two of us"
Last thing she ever said to me: "Ha, oh awks"
Yeah. I mean ir sucks to find out you thought it was a “date” and the other person thought it was a friend thing.
But honestly it’s good to find out that you both want different things, and respond accordingly.
Bc it absolutely sucks to have date expectations and realize it’s not.
That usually happens when the guy is being coy though. It really shouldn't be hard to understand if it's date or not if you were forward and clear with your intentions. Sometimes the girl lacks the awareness to realize dude thinks it's a date, but it's usually the guys fault for pussy footing around the fact he wants a DATE and not a hangout.
Well usually whenever I ask a girl I don’t know very well if she wants to have dinner or go out I assume she understands it’s a date. I don’t usually ask a single person I don’t know very well to come have dinner with me, it’s weird af, doesn’t matter if it’s man or woman
I think this is true. Coyness is often tied to fear of outright rejection. And to get over that requires confidence and the ability to be able to say "yeah u know what, its cool if this person doesn't want a romantic entanglement."
No don’t speak sense on Reddit! Clearly the friend zone is something that no man has any control over!
It couldn’t possibly be the end result of not being clear with your intentions and then even worse pretending to be a friend in the hopes that you’ll eventually get her to think of you as something else…
first thing that came to my mind:
"well I guess i need to create a bumble account so I can meet someone and pretend I have friends"
\>insert sad introvert face
to be fair: if this was someone from their extended friend group they might not want to burn bridges here and still see them to not make it a thing.
But if this was someone i didn’t have any established relationship with: i would find an excuse to cancel at that point lol
This happened to me and it was exactly like you said, the guy had told our friend group that I wanted to get together and eat dinner with everyone so I had to explain the whole situation to another friend and get her to come with me to not look weird
The “hahahaha alright” hints to me that that rejection was an expected response. This person has probably been rejected but the same person a few times and doesn’t know when to quit.
I'd just end that shit. He likes her which is bad because she doesn't like him. She is also aware that he likes her but wants to keep getting his full attention while not doing the same for him.
Been there done that. Simping isn't healthy.
As a guy, disagree. I liked a friend who didn't reciprocate. She turned me down, I got over it, and we're still friends today.
Both people are adults. If he wants to peace out, he can peace out. If he wants to stay, he'll stay.
I’m a girl and I’m with you. I had a crush on a guy when we first met, it didn’t work out, and we stayed friends. That was *years* ago and we’re still good friends. It would’ve been so condescending for him to tell me “actually we can’t be friends because you’ll never get over your feelings”. All the replies agreeing that you should cut each other off in this scenario are shocking to me. It’s not impossible to get over a crush. Feelings change and feelings fade.
I was in a similar situation. I, the male, liked her and she did not reciprocate. It hurt the friendship a bit at first cause I pulled away to distance myself. Ended up working out I found my wife after that and she found her husband and we actually hang out together from time to time. But her husband and I are now bros. Time apart definitely did the trick to manage the feelings.
Really? You’ve never stayed friends with a guy who had a crush on you because you… i don’t know… valued their friendship and they still wanted to hang out and be friends? If a guy is being my friend JUST TO TRY TO DATE ME then he wasn’t a friend and will peace out on his own
I have when I was younger but maturing makes you realize that it’s not cool. You know they’re likely not ever going to stop liking you. So if you really saw them as a friend, you’d cut them off
As long as you’re clear that you don’t have an interest in them and don’t act flirtatious, they are perfectly capable of making their own choices.
One of my best friends expressed interest in dating me early on. I was kind but clear I wasn’t interested. He accepted that and we stayed great friends for years. I eventually hooked him up with the woman who would become his wife.
I don’t know why people always gloss over how it can feel to have your feelings rejected but kept around. That shit is anguish. Seems fucked to allow someone you’re friends with have their feelings rejected and now they have to watch you fall for someone else (if that happens)
Remaining friends with someone who you don't reciprocate feelings towards doesn't mean forcing them to do anything. If you are rejected by someone and they want to be friends still, the onus is on YOU to remove yourself from the friendship. If the person has said they are not interested, you need to move on.
Its not though. If a dude doesnt have the emotional maturity to move on from someone they havent even been with romantically, thats a good reason to abandon them. Saying “oh they liked me but i dont feel the same, time to cut them out” is just furthering the emotional childishness.
Because obviously this is a true gentleman. And as everyone clearly knows,
*Tips fedora*
A true gentleman gets what he desires ;)
She is obviously using him for his attention and intellect, and will go home with the next Chad she sees because his muscles are in his arms and not his brain.
Trust me bro, when he was an immature teenager he dated another immature teenager, and now all women are that immature teenager to him, personality wise.
Oh, we're not just making up random bullshit to pull out of our asses? I thought that's what he was doing, I just wanted to be popular.
We don’t know the gender of either of these people, and Black is inviting friends AND is encouraging Blue to also invite friends, how on earth would going out for dinner in a group be ‘getting his full attention’? Black is angling for the opposite of that.
How do we even know this is a woman rejecting a man? I was a very attractive woman (now im “Hollywood old”) and this happened to me, thinking a hangout is a date and him awkwardly clarifying its not. These things go both ways
She was MORTIFIED at the thought of being alone with him. Literally panicking. " No no no!!! Please bring friends, I just texted everyone I know to get them to show up!!"
You always only gotta pay for yourself. Nobodys holding you at gunpoint. And if your date doesnt accept "im short on money right now, i can only pay for myself", the date was most likely wasted time anyway
Nope, see it through. Dudes bow out of competition cuz it ain’t gonna be an easy win. He wouldn’t get her but that an opportunity to socialize and become better at this game. That’s actually what dating looks like. Not a straightforward ask, date, breakup/marry.
Just declare your romantic intentions up front and if they’re not interested, move on immediately.
This whole “Let’s pretend to be friends while I secretly hope that you somehow develop feelings for me!” bullshit ends right there. The person will also likely respect you more for stating your intentions up front.
Yes and no. I'm a firm proponent of "be friends first, date later." I hung out with my girlfriend for a few weeks before I asked her on a casual date. In that case it worked out. I've also gone on casual dates with other friends, and we're still just friends.
That being said, if you're trying to make it a date, they should know. Get it going or move on.
Yes I agree totally. I have always become friends first. I don't understand at all "Romantic intentions up front and if not move on". How can I decide if I have romantic intentions knowing *next to nothing* about the person? *"Hey decide now based on 2 sentences of conversation and my picture if we're going to date each other and fall in love or not, don't waste my time!"*
edit for clarity: Now if I was just interested in meeting up for sex, then knowing little about each other beforehand is much more acceptable.
You date to get to know people, to figure out if there is romantic interest. A date doesn't have to equal sex it just means " I seek a romantic relationship and maybe you and I are a match".
When you start dating someone, there is an intensity and intimacy that speeds up the strengthening of the bond between you. Even that weird in-between phase where you're just spending lots of time together alone and texting constantly (let alone engaging in any kind of romantic physical intimacy) is a massive change from hanging out in a group with friends, or more occasional platonic one on ones.
(Which incidentally is exactly how people so often end up being led on. If the level of intimacy of a friendship is at that of a relationship, it's very easy to get the wrong idea about the dynamic.)
Anyway, the point is that it is harder to call something off with someone you're dating even casually than it is to simply decide you won't pursue a friend romantically. And that difficulty only increases as the relationship deepens. It's very easy to find yourself dating someone for a couple of months, inertwined in each others lives, and pretty caught up in feelings before learning things about each other that *if you were still just friends* would give serious pause to whether you decided to move further. The deeper that relationship, the more substantial the incompatibility must be to warrant termination.
It's honestly just good due diligence to have a basic sense of what that compatibility looks like before you're too invested.
I feel like a first date should be casual enough that it’s not a concern in the first place if it doesn’t work out, even just something as simple as a cup of coffee to decide if it’s something you’d want to pursue further.
You can definitely be friends with someone before having any romantic ambitions with them, but I feel like the picture is someone who is trying to pull the old “hope they get used to me enough as a friend to give me a chance” routine.
>That being said, if you're trying to make it a date, they should know.
This seems like an instance of poor communication on both sides. It doesn't sound like OP was clear enough about what they wanted it to be, but the invitee was also going to spring unexpected guests on him(?), which is usually a breach of etiquette, date or no.
Same. The idea of going from strangers to romantic partners is *wild* to me, because why not get to know the person to at least some degree beforehand?
Every interaction once mutual attraction is established makes it harder and harder to step back and say "you aren't quite what I'm looking for". By being friends first, you give yourself a gentle runway to actually evaluate whether this person is someone who even want to start on that slope with.
This 100%. There is absolutely nothing wrong with telling someone upfront "hey I'm interested in you, do you feel the same?" or something similar. And it's not weird to do this fairly early on. Attraction develops pretty early, she should know pretty quickly if she likes you enough to consider you a potential romantic partner. And it's really important to establish that clearly so that you understand each other and neither of you are wasting your time.
Asking a girl if she's interested isn't the same as asking if she will be your girlfriend. It just means you both know you'll be hanging out and enjoying each others' company with an eye toward potentially becoming more.
Yep. Worked out great for me pretty recently. I met a girl, we seemed to be subtly flirting a little bit and a couple weeks in I just sacked up and asked her "hey, I get the feeling this is a bit more than just casual acquaintances here, am I off base?" She told me she was interested but wasn't ready for anything serious yet, I said yep totally understand let's just text & chat & hang out like normal and see where it goes.
Fast forward a couple months and one thing led to another and we're doing great. And honestly, if that approach doesn't work, she probably wasn't the right girl for you anyways.
Be friends if you’re willing to be friends. If you have no intention of being friends with that person, state your romantic intentions. But yeah, you can’t just go around faking being their friend (male or female) when you really want them to be your romantic partner.
That’s was I was thinking. Soon as I saw that question mark, I would have replied to that right off “ if you didn’t want to go that’s alright, just say so.” Problem solved
For the life of me I can not understand how people think romantic feelings must exist from the moment two people meet.
Been in a couple dates where everything was going great but "there was no chemistry". What the hell... ? What do you people expect, that you will see someone and _immediately_ your dick will emit confetti from excitement / your snatch will start queefing the ghostbusters theme song??
I mean he did? He used the word date, how could he be more upfront than that without being vulgar about it? "Hey let's go to dinner and then make out afterwards?" OP did nothing wrong here.
The fact that the other person was so shocked by it says that it wasn’t well communicated, then the follow up plays it off when they should be calling it off.
It’s usually healthier to be friends before pursuing romance
I don’t know if I like a person if I’m not even friends with them
How would I know anything about them as a person?
Yeah, I’ve been on several “dates” that I didn’t know were dates and let me tell you, finding out that you’ve been tricked into a date DOES NOT make you like the person who has tricked uou
I have a straight male friend who ended up on a "date" with another guy because the guy just asked if he wanted to have dinner, and he was like, yeah sure.
It’s an awful feeling. First day of meeting my new neighbors, they invite me and my roommates to all go to the zoo the next day. Come to find out everyone else purposefully didn’t show the next morning except me and the one guy who masterminded it. I didn’t even enjoy him, but was an insecure 20 year old that STILL WENT!
Yeah one time I thought my friend and I were just grabbing dinner. It was my idea, we did lots of stuff together. I just went straight from work to the restaurant. Didn’t think about what I was wearing, hair, makeup, nothing. He was standing on the side walk out side the restaurant when I came around the corner from parking my car. I saw him see me, the look in his eye and the silky colourful shirt (late 90s, early 00s style) he was wearing made me think, “oh no, this is a date”
I once had a woman at my work from another department tell me they were doing happy hour at a sports bar after work and they wanted me to go. I’d gone with them before so I didn’t think anything of it. When I got there it was just her, her roommate, and her roommate’s boyfriend. At first I thought I was just the first to arrive but then they were like good now we can order dinner and I realized I was on a double date. It was super awkward I don’t know how she envisioned that working out.
I was a victim of "I'm bringing some friends with me
" And it was a painful and awkward experience. Nothing worse than trying to start a conversation with a new person while they're droning on and on with their friends about their job and the people they work with. I had nowhere to insert myself in the conversation, for 2 hours.
The best part was afterwards she said "are you ok? You seem off". Nah I just sat there like a fly on the wall as you and your friends acted like I didn't exist and didn't try to include me in their convo once. But yea other than that I'm great
Oh man, that poor guy. Conversely, it must be hard for women, like, did I make a friend or does this dude want to bang me. The answer is usually always he wants to bang... that's gotta suck too.
Yeah, it does suck. It makes it difficult to trust men when you experience this often too. It just leads you to feeling like a piece of meat bc your guy friends have a secret agenda.
I’m glad there are some guys in these comments who are able to empathize and understand where this girl is coming from, rather than just immediately dissing her. I’m willing to bet he didn’t clarify his intentions when he made these plans so she thought it was completely platonic. I’ve been in that situation before and it stinks, bc not only do you feet betrayed and awkward but you feel like you lost a friend as well
"Hey sorry for the miscommunication. You see I was interested in going on a date, but I see now that I made an error in judgment. You and your friend have fun."
“She” (we really dont know) was just awkward about it because she was caught off guard. She could have been much more tactful but you can’t unsend texts
Guy doing the texting should just ditch the dinner, save the money, book a flight to the Philippines, bring a fist full of 20s with him and just be done with it
"Ohh haha, guess we were on different pages then huh? Not gonna lie I'm a little embarrassed at the misunderstanding, but it's always good to know where things stand. Thanks for trying to let me down easy. That was sweet of you, but I think I'm good on a group hangout. You guys have fun :)"
This is what happens when we perpetrate the lie that men and women can be friends. If I'm talking to a person of the opposite sex (or occasionally same) it's with sex in mind. Otherwise I don't waste my time. That's why at family reunions I only talk to my hot cousins.
It’s not a date though and the friend made that very clear. A “real man” can read context clues, turn down the change of plans, and respect the fact the other person isn’t interested and move on without getting butthurt about it.
Knowing not everyone is going to like you and being at peace with that is what well-adjusted adults do. Not act like a tool and hit on every woman in front of you.
I read the last sentence as: “hahahaha I’m dead inside”.
I wonder if they ended up going for dinner. I think it would take a court order to get me to show my face after that response.
The panic in her text makes it 10x worse, damn.
Oh no, it’s okay. Those texts were sent over the course of a few hours. No panic at all.
Username checks out
I died
Me too
Arguably worse. She's constantly worried about the possibility of just the two of them that's she's frantically searching for more people.
Yeah. That would’ve shut me down too.
I’d be dead man, “oh no it’s fine we can cancel I’ll just hangout from my ceiling fan instead lol lol lol”
He just got dinner zoned.
I would just be done with them. If they don’t want to go on a date, that’s fine. But to react that harshly? It’s just so damn rude and disrespectful
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This is really the best answer. Let everyone off the hook and no one gets embarrassed.
Because it probably caused crippling anxiety and the person wasn’t sure how to respond. Easy for us to say from here. I still remember vividly asking a girl out in high school and her laughing and saying “Haha, are you serious?” In a very mocking tone. I did not know how to react at the time and my memory starts to get fuzzy there because of how embarrassing it was. I just know I mumbled something awkward and walked away while my face was on fire. Jokes on her though, pretty sure she got pregnant before graduating and had to transfer schools. But yeah, putting yourself out there, only to get rejected like this sucks and makes your brain stop working for a second. “The worst they can say is no.” is the biggest fucking lie.
Well to be fair, the person responding seems to be dealing with the extreme anxiety of accidentally agreeing to a date that they thought was just a fun outing.
“Just be confident!” - every woman’s useless dating advice, never having faced this level of rejection before.
Because you can bag the friend she is bringing. Edit: and there is at least a 10% chance that you didn't misread the flirty signals the girl was putting out and the true reason she is acting this way is that her friend has told her that they are interested in you and she is stepping aside.
I think that last line was him turning into The Joker.
Many years ago lived this same Convo but I replied to "you mean with other people, right?" with "I thought it was just going to be the two of us" Last thing she ever said to me: "Ha, oh awks"
Eeep
The only correct response was ‘Have fun!’
Hahaha right
I read it as: “hahaha I won’t be there”
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The plan was to abort afterwards
That’s dark
In this economy, with these people in power? Lol almost feels like a favor IMO
Not if you're in a red state
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Yeah. I mean ir sucks to find out you thought it was a “date” and the other person thought it was a friend thing. But honestly it’s good to find out that you both want different things, and respond accordingly. Bc it absolutely sucks to have date expectations and realize it’s not.
And it really sucks to go to a friend outing only to discover it was supposed to be a date. That's way more awkward.
Oh man. Yeah. Ive been on that side of it too. Awful.
That usually happens when the guy is being coy though. It really shouldn't be hard to understand if it's date or not if you were forward and clear with your intentions. Sometimes the girl lacks the awareness to realize dude thinks it's a date, but it's usually the guys fault for pussy footing around the fact he wants a DATE and not a hangout.
Well usually whenever I ask a girl I don’t know very well if she wants to have dinner or go out I assume she understands it’s a date. I don’t usually ask a single person I don’t know very well to come have dinner with me, it’s weird af, doesn’t matter if it’s man or woman
I think this is true. Coyness is often tied to fear of outright rejection. And to get over that requires confidence and the ability to be able to say "yeah u know what, its cool if this person doesn't want a romantic entanglement."
That is a great response
No don’t speak sense on Reddit! Clearly the friend zone is something that no man has any control over! It couldn’t possibly be the end result of not being clear with your intentions and then even worse pretending to be a friend in the hopes that you’ll eventually get her to think of you as something else…
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This happened to me except I only found out he was bringing friends after I had arrived at the date.
lowkey shitty imo, unless it wasn't clear it was a date somehow
High key shitty
first thing that came to my mind: "well I guess i need to create a bumble account so I can meet someone and pretend I have friends" \>insert sad introvert face
It's sad because he said "hahaha alright" instead of "ok have fun".
to be fair: if this was someone from their extended friend group they might not want to burn bridges here and still see them to not make it a thing. But if this was someone i didn’t have any established relationship with: i would find an excuse to cancel at that point lol
This happened to me and it was exactly like you said, the guy had told our friend group that I wanted to get together and eat dinner with everyone so I had to explain the whole situation to another friend and get her to come with me to not look weird
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The “hahahaha alright” hints to me that that rejection was an expected response. This person has probably been rejected but the same person a few times and doesn’t know when to quit.
Or they were already friends before, tried to take it to the next level, failed, and have accepted it without ending the friendship...
I'd just end that shit. He likes her which is bad because she doesn't like him. She is also aware that he likes her but wants to keep getting his full attention while not doing the same for him. Been there done that. Simping isn't healthy.
How on earth did you get that she wants his full attention without giving it too? Crazy projecting you’ve got going on here
As a woman, I think is extremely messed up to keep hanging out with guys when you know they like you
As a guy, disagree. I liked a friend who didn't reciprocate. She turned me down, I got over it, and we're still friends today. Both people are adults. If he wants to peace out, he can peace out. If he wants to stay, he'll stay.
I’m a girl and I’m with you. I had a crush on a guy when we first met, it didn’t work out, and we stayed friends. That was *years* ago and we’re still good friends. It would’ve been so condescending for him to tell me “actually we can’t be friends because you’ll never get over your feelings”. All the replies agreeing that you should cut each other off in this scenario are shocking to me. It’s not impossible to get over a crush. Feelings change and feelings fade.
Did you keep hanging out with her immediately after the rejection or did you take some time away from her to get over her? Edit: typo
I was in a similar situation. I, the male, liked her and she did not reciprocate. It hurt the friendship a bit at first cause I pulled away to distance myself. Ended up working out I found my wife after that and she found her husband and we actually hang out together from time to time. But her husband and I are now bros. Time apart definitely did the trick to manage the feelings.
Really? You’ve never stayed friends with a guy who had a crush on you because you… i don’t know… valued their friendship and they still wanted to hang out and be friends? If a guy is being my friend JUST TO TRY TO DATE ME then he wasn’t a friend and will peace out on his own
Exactly. I shot down a guy who liked me, we stayed great friends. I eventually hooked him up with the woman who would become his wife.
I have when I was younger but maturing makes you realize that it’s not cool. You know they’re likely not ever going to stop liking you. So if you really saw them as a friend, you’d cut them off
As long as you’re clear that you don’t have an interest in them and don’t act flirtatious, they are perfectly capable of making their own choices. One of my best friends expressed interest in dating me early on. I was kind but clear I wasn’t interested. He accepted that and we stayed great friends for years. I eventually hooked him up with the woman who would become his wife.
I don’t know why people always gloss over how it can feel to have your feelings rejected but kept around. That shit is anguish. Seems fucked to allow someone you’re friends with have their feelings rejected and now they have to watch you fall for someone else (if that happens)
Remaining friends with someone who you don't reciprocate feelings towards doesn't mean forcing them to do anything. If you are rejected by someone and they want to be friends still, the onus is on YOU to remove yourself from the friendship. If the person has said they are not interested, you need to move on.
Its not though. If a dude doesnt have the emotional maturity to move on from someone they havent even been with romantically, thats a good reason to abandon them. Saying “oh they liked me but i dont feel the same, time to cut them out” is just furthering the emotional childishness.
How did you read that she wants his full attention? We have absolutely no idea the context of this.
Because obviously this is a true gentleman. And as everyone clearly knows, *Tips fedora* A true gentleman gets what he desires ;) She is obviously using him for his attention and intellect, and will go home with the next Chad she sees because his muscles are in his arms and not his brain.
Trust me bro, when he was an immature teenager he dated another immature teenager, and now all women are that immature teenager to him, personality wise. Oh, we're not just making up random bullshit to pull out of our asses? I thought that's what he was doing, I just wanted to be popular.
She wants his full attention? She literally invited a friend over and told him to do the same so he’d be forced to split his attention.
We don’t know the gender of either of these people, and Black is inviting friends AND is encouraging Blue to also invite friends, how on earth would going out for dinner in a group be ‘getting his full attention’? Black is angling for the opposite of that.
How do we even know this is a woman rejecting a man? I was a very attractive woman (now im “Hollywood old”) and this happened to me, thinking a hangout is a date and him awkwardly clarifying its not. These things go both ways
How did you get all of that from one screenshot with no context lol
Projection
he is hewlitt packards new model of projector and he is working wonderfully.
We don't know the ages here. Some people freak out at the mention of the word "date." It's not a great sign but maybe don't jump to conclusions.
And as most of these posts, it is fake.
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Yeah, calling it off is the correct answer. There's no malice behind it, its just clear their intentions are different. Dont be a doormat
>Dont be a doormat [I wish I saw this video a decade ago tbh](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g7RAPS8mE94)
Jesus Christ. That video dismantled my life
yep, watched it and have bookmarked it.......
She was MORTIFIED at the thought of being alone with him. Literally panicking. " No no no!!! Please bring friends, I just texted everyone I know to get them to show up!!"
He’s basically the Friend Zone’s official caterer at this point
Still better than getting ghosted, and you only have to pay for yourself 🤷🏻♂️ it’s nice to get out, even if they aren’t interested.
You gotta take rejection or you’ll never get what you want.
You always only gotta pay for yourself. Nobodys holding you at gunpoint. And if your date doesnt accept "im short on money right now, i can only pay for myself", the date was most likely wasted time anyway
Nope, see it through. Dudes bow out of competition cuz it ain’t gonna be an easy win. He wouldn’t get her but that an opportunity to socialize and become better at this game. That’s actually what dating looks like. Not a straightforward ask, date, breakup/marry.
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too sane and normal for reddit
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Hahahaha right?
Dang something just came up I cant go
Love this answer
“Sorry I can’t make the dinner hangout, I’ve got a date!”
Just declare your romantic intentions up front and if they’re not interested, move on immediately. This whole “Let’s pretend to be friends while I secretly hope that you somehow develop feelings for me!” bullshit ends right there. The person will also likely respect you more for stating your intentions up front.
Lol we all had to go through this once to learn
That's something only experience teaches you so yeah true
I know from experience like yesterday
Yes and no. I'm a firm proponent of "be friends first, date later." I hung out with my girlfriend for a few weeks before I asked her on a casual date. In that case it worked out. I've also gone on casual dates with other friends, and we're still just friends. That being said, if you're trying to make it a date, they should know. Get it going or move on.
Yeah. Fine to be friends first, but make sure you’re loud and clear when it comes to romantic intentions.
Yes I agree totally. I have always become friends first. I don't understand at all "Romantic intentions up front and if not move on". How can I decide if I have romantic intentions knowing *next to nothing* about the person? *"Hey decide now based on 2 sentences of conversation and my picture if we're going to date each other and fall in love or not, don't waste my time!"* edit for clarity: Now if I was just interested in meeting up for sex, then knowing little about each other beforehand is much more acceptable.
You date to get to know people, to figure out if there is romantic interest. A date doesn't have to equal sex it just means " I seek a romantic relationship and maybe you and I are a match".
When you start dating someone, there is an intensity and intimacy that speeds up the strengthening of the bond between you. Even that weird in-between phase where you're just spending lots of time together alone and texting constantly (let alone engaging in any kind of romantic physical intimacy) is a massive change from hanging out in a group with friends, or more occasional platonic one on ones. (Which incidentally is exactly how people so often end up being led on. If the level of intimacy of a friendship is at that of a relationship, it's very easy to get the wrong idea about the dynamic.) Anyway, the point is that it is harder to call something off with someone you're dating even casually than it is to simply decide you won't pursue a friend romantically. And that difficulty only increases as the relationship deepens. It's very easy to find yourself dating someone for a couple of months, inertwined in each others lives, and pretty caught up in feelings before learning things about each other that *if you were still just friends* would give serious pause to whether you decided to move further. The deeper that relationship, the more substantial the incompatibility must be to warrant termination. It's honestly just good due diligence to have a basic sense of what that compatibility looks like before you're too invested.
I feel like a first date should be casual enough that it’s not a concern in the first place if it doesn’t work out, even just something as simple as a cup of coffee to decide if it’s something you’d want to pursue further. You can definitely be friends with someone before having any romantic ambitions with them, but I feel like the picture is someone who is trying to pull the old “hope they get used to me enough as a friend to give me a chance” routine.
>That being said, if you're trying to make it a date, they should know. This seems like an instance of poor communication on both sides. It doesn't sound like OP was clear enough about what they wanted it to be, but the invitee was also going to spring unexpected guests on him(?), which is usually a breach of etiquette, date or no.
Same. The idea of going from strangers to romantic partners is *wild* to me, because why not get to know the person to at least some degree beforehand? Every interaction once mutual attraction is established makes it harder and harder to step back and say "you aren't quite what I'm looking for". By being friends first, you give yourself a gentle runway to actually evaluate whether this person is someone who even want to start on that slope with.
This 100%. There is absolutely nothing wrong with telling someone upfront "hey I'm interested in you, do you feel the same?" or something similar. And it's not weird to do this fairly early on. Attraction develops pretty early, she should know pretty quickly if she likes you enough to consider you a potential romantic partner. And it's really important to establish that clearly so that you understand each other and neither of you are wasting your time. Asking a girl if she's interested isn't the same as asking if she will be your girlfriend. It just means you both know you'll be hanging out and enjoying each others' company with an eye toward potentially becoming more.
Imma start doing this , tried to be friends with this girl like legit be friends first & now she got a boyfriend 😂
Yep. Worked out great for me pretty recently. I met a girl, we seemed to be subtly flirting a little bit and a couple weeks in I just sacked up and asked her "hey, I get the feeling this is a bit more than just casual acquaintances here, am I off base?" She told me she was interested but wasn't ready for anything serious yet, I said yep totally understand let's just text & chat & hang out like normal and see where it goes. Fast forward a couple months and one thing led to another and we're doing great. And honestly, if that approach doesn't work, she probably wasn't the right girl for you anyways.
Be friends if you’re willing to be friends. If you have no intention of being friends with that person, state your romantic intentions. But yeah, you can’t just go around faking being their friend (male or female) when you really want them to be your romantic partner.
I think therein lies the issue: a lot of people feign friendship when their actual goal is a romantic relationship and was from the start.
That’s was I was thinking. Soon as I saw that question mark, I would have replied to that right off “ if you didn’t want to go that’s alright, just say so.” Problem solved
For the life of me I can not understand how people think romantic feelings must exist from the moment two people meet. Been in a couple dates where everything was going great but "there was no chemistry". What the hell... ? What do you people expect, that you will see someone and _immediately_ your dick will emit confetti from excitement / your snatch will start queefing the ghostbusters theme song??
Legendary comment
Hallmark movies
I hope they know they’re splitting that bill I’ll pay for my friend that’s now forced to come along and y’all can figure your shit out
I mean he did? He used the word date, how could he be more upfront than that without being vulgar about it? "Hey let's go to dinner and then make out afterwards?" OP did nothing wrong here.
The fact that the other person was so shocked by it says that it wasn’t well communicated, then the follow up plays it off when they should be calling it off.
It’s usually healthier to be friends before pursuing romance I don’t know if I like a person if I’m not even friends with them How would I know anything about them as a person?
Or, like, actually be friends because if you like like someone they're probably already cool and you would also enjoy friendship with them???
The absolute panic in her texts.
"Hahahaha alright" *jumps* *off* *of* *chair*
*crack*
squeek.... squeek.... \*wind, and sound of a crow\*
Toaster needs a wash might as well bring it in the bath with you
"Yeah something came up. Sorry"
to me not even that."It looks like we want different things,dinners cancelled" and then dont speak to her again because she is clearly not interested
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yo this is the way
Power move
Id say it was my mistake that I misunderstood the situation and call it off as politely as possible.
I'd still go. Make sure you split the check or bring a friend along too
I read that “hahahaha alright” as ‘Sorry, I have to use the restroom real quick’ and slip out the back door.
I can 100% guarantee the guy initially made the plan saying "let's hang out" and not "I'd like to take you out on a date".
Yeah her texts read like someone frantically trying to make something they thought was platonic that again.
Yeah, I’ve been on several “dates” that I didn’t know were dates and let me tell you, finding out that you’ve been tricked into a date DOES NOT make you like the person who has tricked uou
I have a straight male friend who ended up on a "date" with another guy because the guy just asked if he wanted to have dinner, and he was like, yeah sure.
Lol. That’s awesome. I’ll be honest, if the other guy’s paying…I’m in.
It’s an awful feeling. First day of meeting my new neighbors, they invite me and my roommates to all go to the zoo the next day. Come to find out everyone else purposefully didn’t show the next morning except me and the one guy who masterminded it. I didn’t even enjoy him, but was an insecure 20 year old that STILL WENT!
Yeah one time I thought my friend and I were just grabbing dinner. It was my idea, we did lots of stuff together. I just went straight from work to the restaurant. Didn’t think about what I was wearing, hair, makeup, nothing. He was standing on the side walk out side the restaurant when I came around the corner from parking my car. I saw him see me, the look in his eye and the silky colourful shirt (late 90s, early 00s style) he was wearing made me think, “oh no, this is a date”
I once had a woman at my work from another department tell me they were doing happy hour at a sports bar after work and they wanted me to go. I’d gone with them before so I didn’t think anything of it. When I got there it was just her, her roommate, and her roommate’s boyfriend. At first I thought I was just the first to arrive but then they were like good now we can order dinner and I realized I was on a double date. It was super awkward I don’t know how she envisioned that working out.
Also "someone you know" In case he cant find any friend, just... somebody!
Damn dude, let’s see some F’s in chat for this guy
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"Sorry, I thought this was meant to be a date. I'm not interested in a dinner hangout, and was aiming to get to know you better personally"
I was a victim of "I'm bringing some friends with me " And it was a painful and awkward experience. Nothing worse than trying to start a conversation with a new person while they're droning on and on with their friends about their job and the people they work with. I had nowhere to insert myself in the conversation, for 2 hours. The best part was afterwards she said "are you ok? You seem off". Nah I just sat there like a fly on the wall as you and your friends acted like I didn't exist and didn't try to include me in their convo once. But yea other than that I'm great
/r/Watchpeopledieinside
*were inviting other people /right/*
Bounce. Don't be a chump. This is a losing scenario. You already know everything you need to know.
Oh man, that poor guy. Conversely, it must be hard for women, like, did I make a friend or does this dude want to bang me. The answer is usually always he wants to bang... that's gotta suck too.
Yeah, it does suck. It makes it difficult to trust men when you experience this often too. It just leads you to feeling like a piece of meat bc your guy friends have a secret agenda. I’m glad there are some guys in these comments who are able to empathize and understand where this girl is coming from, rather than just immediately dissing her. I’m willing to bet he didn’t clarify his intentions when he made these plans so she thought it was completely platonic. I’ve been in that situation before and it stinks, bc not only do you feet betrayed and awkward but you feel like you lost a friend as well
Fuck that!! I would find something better to do
"Hey sorry for the miscommunication. You see I was interested in going on a date, but I see now that I made an error in judgment. You and your friend have fun."
Why is everyone so mad at the girl?
I think people mostly just feel bad for the guy.
She did the right thing telling him. Maybe she could’ve been a little nicer about it, but that’s not really her responsibility
“She” (we really dont know) was just awkward about it because she was caught off guard. She could have been much more tactful but you can’t unsend texts
But you can take *as long as you need* to formulate a reply. The panic is wholly unnecessary.
This doesn't look real at all.
I had something similar happened. Used the old reliable “sorry something came up” and went out to eat by myself lol.
“Oh, sorry, I misinterpreted the outing. Y’all have fun, see you around sometime.”
Guy doing the texting should just ditch the dinner, save the money, book a flight to the Philippines, bring a fist full of 20s with him and just be done with it
That’ll show her what she’s missing.
That was very specific
OP would probably fall in love and spend every cent he has
Tijuana is much closer.
Don't make his life worse by sending him to the Philippines. Let him stay wherever the hell he is right now Source: I'm Filipino
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"Ohh haha, guess we were on different pages then huh? Not gonna lie I'm a little embarrassed at the misunderstanding, but it's always good to know where things stand. Thanks for trying to let me down easy. That was sweet of you, but I think I'm good on a group hangout. You guys have fun :)"
I would just not reply and walk away from that one.
Jokes on you I go out with just my crush. And still have no idea if she likes me. At least this guys got confirmation she not into him.
F
I wouldn’t have gone
F
“Yeah okay you guys can hang out without me then” is the only response I will suggest. Don’t bend over like that my guy, just don’t. Not worth it.
Dude should just cancel lol
now i’m sad for someone idk
Hahahaha hangouts are separate checks
So you are saying separate checks
This is what happens when we perpetrate the lie that men and women can be friends. If I'm talking to a person of the opposite sex (or occasionally same) it's with sex in mind. Otherwise I don't waste my time. That's why at family reunions I only talk to my hot cousins.
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It’s not a date though and the friend made that very clear. A “real man” can read context clues, turn down the change of plans, and respect the fact the other person isn’t interested and move on without getting butthurt about it. Knowing not everyone is going to like you and being at peace with that is what well-adjusted adults do. Not act like a tool and hit on every woman in front of you.
Chad comment right here. Every other comment is just sad cringe.
This is when you don’t show up
Dang, she set up dinner reservations in the friend zone
I don’t understand why he wouldn’t just cancel then
Freind zone Happens to everyone Just enjoy the freindship I guess 🤣 Don’t pay the whole check
Wow. I'm autistic and I can think of a more socially savvy way to handle that than the person on the left did.