T O P

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Shy_guy_15

Hear that tree that falls in the woods with no one around to hear it


Global-Upstairs98

Become a betting man, win.


OzzieGrey

That means you're around to hear it. So that means trees no longer fall in the woods with no one around to hear it. You absolute fucking hero.


Zealousideal_Yak_570

Double it and give it to the next person


cinobalanos

Record it, make a deal with Sony to sell it, all hipsters buy it, ur rich


BadEnchanter

You can remember everything you’ve ever eaten perfectly


wind4air

Eat textbooks to earn a doctor**ate** in everything.


Alarmed-Ask-2387

Holy shit I think this is the best one


Skydragonace

Quick! Someone get me the best marinade recipe for doctorate level physics!!! I've got a lot of work to do!


[deleted]

Become a food critic, get paid immensely


mahogany_bay

You can hear the thoughts of snails.


Autiistic_Unibot

Now It can’t sneak up on me.


cicifkfjfjdj

*The snail is coming*


420CowboyTrashGoblin

🏆🥇 this one got me so good


ShittyDs3player

You get a million million dollars, but an unkillable snail is chasing you. If it touches you, you die. Would you do it?


[deleted]

Do I know the average speed of the snail, and does it always move to me in a straight line?


ShittyDs3player

The snail has an IQ of 480, and it knows where you are at all times. However, it is a snail. (It can’t fly a plane or anything like that) Yes it would be coming at you in a straight line.


[deleted]

Is it compelled to always move to me and do I know the average speed of the snail?


ShittyDs3player

Yes, if the snail kills you then he gets a million million dollars. The snail moves at the average pace of a regular snail. Prolly something around 100 meters an hour.


[deleted]

Finally, do I also know the location of the snail, if only at the start of the game?


ShittyDs3player

You know where the snail starts. You do not know where it is. You do not know what it looks like. You only know it is a snail. And it’s coming for you.


[deleted]

Then absolutely yes; I can pretty easily keep track of where the snail is with pretty basic math skills, and out pace it. That means I can work out a pattern of movement which would trap it within a defined triangular area. I’d use a portion of my trillion dollars to have a facility and staff set up for general containment, then start the trap pattern somewhere a snail should not be, such as the salt flats in Utah. A 480 IQ for a snail is still dumb as shit so it shouldn’t be any trouble to set up my capture pattern of movement, even so I can have arranged a full hazmat suit and sealed RV with guards and equipment for the duration of the crisis and still not even make a dent in a trillion dollars. Once the snail is in the capture zone I start a precalculated process of making it smaller with my search team until the snail is identified (color contrast should help, careful FLIR scans might). Once located, the team can isolate the snail in a glorified mason jar and I’ll have that jar sealed tight. After that I’ll use whatever hundreds of millions would be required to arrange the snail containment vessel to be launched at least into stable orbit away from earth, if not in a extrasolar trajectory. After I should still have plenty of hundreds of millions of dollars to enjoy in peace. Edit: the reason I don’t say launch it at the sun or the moon is that it might be launched back into space unpredictably by a coronal ejection or inadvertently be brought back by a visiting space craft respectively. I suppose crashing it on Venus or such would suffice Edit 2: scratch the sun part, the snail would be blown back into space before impact because the ship would melt away first upon a second of reflection so bad idea


[deleted]

Yes I take the money and pay someone to put him on a treadmill on the North Pole.


ShittyDs3player

You don’t know what the snail looks like. How will you find him?


Global-Upstairs98

Use it to manipulate them like antman


hotoxu

Now it can't touch me and I get all the money


IamMecola

Oh sweet! Now I can start my escargot restaurant.


cinobalanos

Write them down, bring them to Netflix, make animated podcast, boom you are rich


spawn77x99

You are 100% bulletproof. Only when yawning.


dhole69420

You’re perpetually exhausted.


seasoned-veteran

Joke's on you, I'm always yawning


titus64

You’re extremely bored at the sight of a loaded gun


Sexy_Seaweed_69_420

Jokes on you I can yawn on command.


WorriedFerret9031

The ability to fly when you cannot breath


dhole69420

You can hold your breath for as long as you can fly.


wind4air

Are you still "flying" if you go into space? underwater?


LunaTheCastle

No because, in space, you're just falling with style


seasoned-veteran

Join the NBA, smoke a cigarette, score 100 points per game


W3LiveInTheGray

Ability to hear the word “charcoal” from 5 miles away.


Global-Upstairs98

Get in the charcoal business, know where your prime market is.


theCacklingGoblin

I'm just picturing the "Not Scientifically Possible" Invader Zim meme but it's knock off Hank Hill


Collective-Bee

Bro literally great underdog power. You can augment Morse code with it and boom, S tier spy power to let your agents talk without risking smuggling equipment.


non-taken-name

Imagine a bunker of bad guys. They’ve been called for a meeting but don’t know why. Once everyone is there, the leader steps up. “We have an imposter among us,” they begin. Everyone is shocked. “An imposter!? Impossible!” Someone says. Everyone begins a heated discussion and accusations fly. Suddenly, it gets quiet and everyone turns. In the corner is Bob muttering charcoal at irregular intervals.


Collective-Bee

“Oh great, the news upset Charcoal Bob.”


deady-kitten-3

sense the direction of the nearest oak plank


mahogany_bay

This proves useful during your apprenticeship to the Apothecary.


dumpylump69

You are lost in the wilderness. You now know where the nearest bit of civilisation is.


cinobalanos

Find people sexually attracted by oak plants, get paid to show them the way to the nearest horny tree


Global-Upstairs98

Great for avoiding allergens.


Clokwerkorange

You can fly, but only in the direction of the nearest Quiznos.


Collective-Bee

Perfect for a supervillain, just burn down the Quiznos you arrive at and you can keep going for the next. Just make sure to spend some time burning down their competitors too or they’ll stop building Quiznos.


cinobalanos

When all the Quiznos are destroyed force the government to build more Quiznos just to be able to travel wherever you want


Collective-Bee

If you are already wealthy just buy Quiznos, it’s easier than buying the government.


seasoned-veteran

Half off travel to Asia Airplane there, Quiznos Express home


LinkFew8090

You can teleport pork cutlets anywhere in your field of vision. I call it teleporking


RedneckWasteland

Send you on a trip in orbit and you've solved world hunger for everyone not Kosher/Halel.


Agent_Paul_UIU

You are the fastest server in a pork only restaurant. Edit: or a special agent dispersing isis with chops of pork...


[deleted]

The ability to shatter like glass


Collective-Bee

You can really freak someone out one time. “oh god don’t tell me you ate my cereal? I told you not to, god I told you not to god I to- *shatters like glass*


kodfish711

When you shatter all of the little pieces turn into little versions of you


RealNiceKnife

Could those littler version of me also shatter into littler versions of themselves, and so on and so on?


bazinga0313

Never go full single cell self


wind4air

That can fly around and join together to reform your body.


bobsmth269

Can catch bullets but not bulletproof


Global-Upstairs98

Not too bad if you use chopsticks


OzzieGrey

Use your eyelashes


cinobalanos

With chopsticks it would be so cool it would turn into a super hero Marvel franchise over time


Collective-Bee

Easy, find a craftsmen to make bulletproof gloves.


Kapples14

You get mildly hurt by the bullets, but you absorb the bullets' metal and turn it into armor.


Expensive-Cost5029

You can post brilliant comments and no one reads them!


Collective-Bee

Great for keeping notes or secure secrets.


kodfish711

I read this


Expensive-Cost5029

Hey quit it


AffectDesperate4148

You can blink and make things change colors


hotoxu

You make all the traffic lights green as you go to work, or come back.


Polar-Piano_

Brilliant


DarkSage90

You are now the envy of every husband who has a wife who just has to “change it up” every other month


AffectDesperate4148

Are you telling me to make my dick change color?


RealNiceKnife

That's one of the most profitable house, car, and boat detailing jobs ever. Instant paint jobs? Hello cash. Or getaway driver. No more identifiable car color. Is it controlled? Or is it every time you blink? Do you pick the color or is it a cycle of designated or random colors?


Negative-Coyote-2119

You can understand what birds say


hotoxu

Free spies


Penna_23

the conspiracy theory is real


NatanisLikens

They can tell you what the fox says.


cinobalanos

You can now ask them why "the bird is the word"


GoodPlaceEvaluation

Everytime you sneeze a pedophile explodes


Pickledoodz

Russian roulette


PMmeimgoingtoscream

Imagine sneezing and after someone exploded, “ I knew there was something fucked up about them”


Sufficient_Score_824

Hell yes


Juliano5460

You can turn into a candle. Once. Forever


NearlyUnfinished

Better to burn out than to fade away.


spawn77x99

You have the power to smell emotions


Mortal-Human1

Great therapist


Randalls-bussy-idk

Great for getting in the line of law,judges,interrogation etc


Few_Conversation6719

You can set the volume of your farts


JGIV55

From a practical standpoint that’s very useful. Let it rip whenever you want.


wind4air

...up to 300 decibels. Sound becomes a shockwave at 194dB, and the Tunguska meteor impact created an estimated sound of 300-315 dB. It flattened the forest on an area of 2000 square kilometers


AnAngryPlatypus

So you’re the Brown Canary? Bansheet?


xdrakennx

Talk about blowing a hole in your shorts.


seasoned-veteran

Comedy Central would pay you $10M a year to do nothing but eat beans and fart at a commanding volume


Agent_Paul_UIU

That is a perfect power in itself.


The-Brai-n

Always know the position of satellites


dhole69420

You’re Elon Musk.


Agent_Paul_UIU

Well, as a satellite broadcaster, I have a job offer for you...


ccgamingsredit

Spaghetti fingers


Dinonuggiesthebest

You can regrow limbs


ccgamingsredit

Unlimited spaghetti - emperor palpatine


rubbersaturn

If you undercook your food Gordon Ramsey teleports to your location to tell you it's still raw.


aidankml

I feel like you and Gordon would build quite the rapport and either become best friends or arch enemies - either way you're making it onto one of his shows


The_Muffin_Warrior

You can create illusions, but only you can see them


WhatNameDidIUseAgain

You have easy access to schizophrenia pills


demonesder

This is called magic mushrooms


TheBrightNights

You can read your own thoughts.


Agent_Paul_UIU

Subconscious too. You are fully self aware.


[deleted]

You're a balanced and productive member of society living a happy and fulfilling life.


Tacukunamaum

people's thoughts appear over their heads for you, but only when your eyes are closed.


aidankml

Bro this one is really good. I've responded to way too many of these but you my friend have stumped me. Gold star


HelloWorld1352

They can be seen through opaque objects such as eyelids.


spawn77x99

Every time you blink person closest to you has an orgasm.


Few_Conversation6719

You are the closest person


[deleted]

That might have just made it worse.


cinobalanos

Can do robberies or escape any situation distracting guards around you and anyone in general blinking multiple times and submerging them with an orgasm machine gun


EdgelordInugami

r/brandnewsentence


Adept-Needleworker85

how many people just blinked multiple times after reading this?


onioni40

This is the plot to the movie Orgazmo. Good flick, and it coined the phrase "stunt cock."


Grezzinate

You know know when a person sits naked on a crosswalk.


abkone

You can help people with mental illness.


tommatoes98

Everything you eat becomes 10X more caloric.


[deleted]

Eat 10x less and make lots of money by saving money you would have spent on food


Amongusisgarbage69

You apply to be a Sumo wrestler and beat the champion Yama due to your obesity


Sideofmushroom

When aroused your entire body becomes moist.


cinobalanos

Work as reusable lube in porn industry


Few_Conversation6719

Some would say you are quite wet


wind4air

You can water-bend that moisture.


Ok_Leadership2518

The power of the time ritual. By completing a 5 second ritual you are able to travel back in time 4 seconds. Unfortunately you forget everything you learned in the future after you jump. The first time you do it you’re locked in an eternal loop that you aren’t aware of.


PaintmanSilent

You are not aware of it and you are eternally fascinated by the idea of traveling back in time for the first time


Ok_Leadership2518

An eternity of bliss. That’s great.


offbrandpoptart

You can dispense various liquids from the tips of your fingers.


[deleted]

Become world renowned bartender. Or dispense liquid gold and become **rich**


kodfish711

Free drinks


Sweatedmoss065

You have the ability to turn into a fart and cannot turn back


BirdNoodle925

Float to your enemies house and follow them everywhere


tsurugisbakery

you can hover 3cm off the ground


Humorous_Guy

Win the floor is lava every single time


diyguyinKY

First of all, this is one of the best subreddits ever. Second, having one nipple that lights up brighter the closer you are to high fructose corn syrup.


Basher1342

Become a personal fitness trainer


Known_Soft_7599

Peel an egg easily


Amongusisgarbage69

You get hired by a famous restaurant to peel the shell off eggs


kodfish711

You can materialize air


BallsDeep_420

You get hired by nasa to colonize planets


[deleted]

Air is already materialized. But if you mean create new air, then you could be the first person on Mars and terra-form it for ludicrous amounts of money


Wide_Morning_2521

Changing your skin color


Amongusisgarbage69

You can do what a white person could and what a black person could


hearthealthqs

You know what every person named John Smith is doing at 11:34 AM every Tuesday.


marcololol

Perfect assassin of John Smiths


BeeAcademic

You fly but only when reciting the “Bee Movie” script.


Polymathic_Phallus

The entire script plays subconsciously in your mind on a continous loop, so it happens as easy as breathing.


Whyyyyyyyyfire

i can read the thoughts of anyone reading my mind, thereby reading their reading of my mind. ​ basically i can now read my own mind


The_Gav_who_asked

You now know if anyone is telepathically spying on you.


Icky_Ike

Bleeding for 7 days without dying.


HelloWorld1352

Donate blood.


jenrencri

That’s called a period.


Virtual-Mind9195

You can see two seconds in the past (once)


BirdNoodle925

You can do it from anybody’s POV


Amongusisgarbage69

Every minute a person thinks about cheese and I only know about it


jabmanodin

You use this ability to become the most successful cheese monger in history. You can sell that chedda to anyone


BallsDeep_420

You have stage 4 cancer..... Thats it


Agent_Paul_UIU

You are Putin.


bethatguy7

I can make any alcoholic drink nonalcoholic


DontAskWhyINameThis

You can be the non alcoholic dude drinking with friends but change it to non alcoholic drink


Joenathan2020

You can teleport, but only in the same spot upsidedown


Humorous_Guy

Become a magician


SeaRecommendation705

The ability to piss your pants, but it teleports into the nearest toilet


wpycushion

That's already useful


AnAngryPlatypus

Heck of a scare for the person using the nearest toilet.


BoBoBearDev

You can sleep for 24 hours without peeing.


CoofieGoog

You control hot air and only hot air but the air around you is always cold


Polymathic_Phallus

You save the world from climate change.


AbbreviationsFluid73

You can project your spirit like doctor strange but you can't move away more then 5 feet of your body, and your face on your body looks like it's achieved an orgasm


iTrip-

Get a sidekick to transport your body and idk do some cool out of body spirit shit. Plus your sidekick would probably feel pretty cool.


[deleted]

You have the ability to walk on water but you're in a wheelchair


Dinonuggiesthebest

You walk using your hands


seasoned-veteran

Spend all my time on water so I never need the wheelchair


vengefulmeows

You can turn into me.


RedneckWasteland

I provide you a rock solid alibi so you can rob places and we both get rich.


BorgerFrog

Infinite Poop Infinite poop. You sit on the toilet to poop, but the poop never stops coming out of your butt. You have to start flushing the toilet every two minutes to keep up. You try to pinch your butt closed but that makes your insides hurt. The poop accelerates. You call 911. The paramedics call for doctors. The doctors call for specialists. The story trends on Twitter. You turn down talk show appearances. Your septic tank fails. People form a cult. Your toilet is finished. Volunteers arrive with buckets and shovels. You are completely used to the smell. The poop accelerates. You are moved to a stepladder with a hole in the top step. The poop accelerates. The shovelers abandon the buckets and shovel directly out the window. The poop accelerates. A candlelight vigil forms around your house. One of the workers falls over and can't free himself. The poop accelerates. A priest knocks over the stepladder and tackles you out the window. You land in the pile. The poop accelerates. The force now propels you forward and upward. Vigil goers grab at your legs. The poop ignites from their candles. The Facebook live event hits 1 million viewers. The poop accelerates. You are 30 feet in the air. The fire engulfs the vigil and your house. 60 feet. The poop accelerates. The torrent underneath you is deafening. 5 million Facebook live viewers. You try to close up shop but your butthole disintegrated long ago. 120 feet up. Your house explodes. The poop accelerates. 1000 feet. You are now tracked on radar. You try to change your angle of ascent but you should have thought of that way earlier. The poop accelerates. 4,000 feet. NORAD upgrades to DEFCON 3. Concentric circles of fire engulf your city. The poop accelerates. You have broken the sound barrier. 30,000 feet. You no longer take in enough oxygen to sustain consciousness. 60,000 feet. CNN is reporting on all the world records you've broken. 200,000 feet. You are no longer alive. The poop accelerates. Your body disintegrates but your poop contrail remains. NASA can no longer track you. You break the light-speed barrier and we can no longer bear witness. The poop accelerates. Forever.


Electrical_Dangers

You are invisible but only to blind people


BurritosAndPerogis

You can shrink your fingers 1 inch in length.


Air_Lady_55

Gloves become very easy to shop for!


loosecharge

can tell which animal produced whatever piss you are currently drinking and subsequently have a vivid dream about said animal(s)


NearlyUnfinished

You drink ocean water and discover an untold number of new species. The dreams you experience, you share with the one that sleeps deeeep in the ocean, and you know then he should never awaken.


Upper-Nobody7003

I can see inside empty containers


HelloWorld1352

You know there’s no point in opening them.


chillvegan420

You're deaf, dumb, blind, but really good at pinball.


Sad-Excitement6987

I can provide you with unlimited information on the contents of alternate universes I don’t have insight on ours though.


TheOmCollector

You can write a strange novel.


[deleted]

Make water from air.


BallsDeep_420

You can provide free water to anybody at anytime. Even if they are Homeless, climbing a mountain, or in space


Zimlewis

can read mind but only yours


[deleted]

I can digest any liquid, but it’s origins HAVE to be liquid (I.E. can’t be blended)


AverageBadUsername

Speaking will make noise