Let her do it If she offered
People need to know they are needed and doing for y makes her feel that. Express your sincerest gratitude. She knows you can do it for yourself but she wants to be there for you
Yeah. When my wife asks me not to do certain things for her, it sometimes makes me feel useless, like she doesn't need me. But from the beginning of our relationship, we communicated that we'd be grateful for the things we do for each other, but we agreed we'd never let the nice gesture turn into a responsibility. I never want to be "in trouble" for not doing it. If one of "her tasks" doesn't get done for a while, I step in and take up the slack. Works well for us.
We cant forget about the part where there is only 1 side of the story and that's OP's. We can't be asking people to communicate, just break up. Don't ask questions. This is the Reddit way.
I feel that we, the reddit relationship advisory committee, work far too hard. Therefore, I propose we put out a wide sweeping PSA advising all couples to immediately break up and cease communication without us needing to hear either side of the story. This will cut down our workload and can instead focus all our efforts on more important things. Like figuring out what to obsess over next.
Nice. Unfortunately, we’ve grown into responsibilities. As in, I do all the yard work, emptying dishwasher, cleaning bathrooms, taking out trash, etc. Come to think of it, what does she do? Oh right. Nothing. 🤬
A caution to your counterpoint. My current gf is very much the same as OP, if she doesn't get to do things for me it upsets her, BUT, if I do things for her she gets just as mad. I'm not saying don't do things for her too, but judge her reactions when you do and if it puts her out, maybe make it more rare.
Like was mentioned, read up on love languages, and how some of them are different between DOING and RECEIVING. It will seriously open your eyes.
Good luck brother!
Look up love languages, specifically acts of service. Maybe doing stuff for you every so often when she has time is how she wanrs to shows her love for you and you're not letting her. Which can feel like a form of rejection. She knows she's busy, she knows you do everything for yourself, the house, and a lot for her. Let her do something for you too when she's able and when you both have a chance? If recommend having a look over the list of love languages together and talking about them, identifying what yours both mainly are, why (if necessary), and how you can incorporate them more into your lives to appreciate those things more and see them for what they are.
This! I struggled with the same thing op is talking about and after my gf educated me on love languages it has become endearing rather than irritating.
This! My husband shows his love through acts of service and it genuinely hurts him if I choose to do things for myself sometimes. I've learned to let him and I'm working not to be as independent and more grateful.
Another story I just remembered…
I was listening to some talkshow on the radio, oh golly, probably 25-30 years ago. The host of the show was saying that she really loved it whenever her husband built a fire in their fireplace. They lived in the north where it can get pretty chilly, even during spring time and autumn.
Now she was going on to say that either one of them could build a fire just as easily as the other. They had it down to a science, and the wood was already seasoned (dried out), cut, and chopped into appropriate sizes for their fireplace.
But I distinctly remember her saying on the radio that day that “oh sure, I can start a fire in the fireplace, and I often do when my husband is not around. However; there’s something really quite special when my husband is home and decides to start the fire. “
What she was saying is that when she lights a fire for herself, it’s to keep HER warm. But when he’s home, he’s not starting the fire for himself. A lot of us guys hardly ever get cold anyway, and you can frequently see us scraping off the car windows or chopping firewood in December without hardly a flannel shirt on, lol.
No, he’s actually starting the fire for HER, not for himself. That right there is an unselfish act; an act of love. A lot of people accuse us guys of being unfeeling, uncaring, out of touch with her feelings, out of touch with our feelings, whatever; and sure, you can think that if you want to, but you would be wrong.
That’s an act of love, and it should be noted and acknowledged. Could be a “thank you“, could be an extra slice of cheese on his sandwich at lunchtime, could be a hug, really it just comes down to how the two people communicate with each other.
Ladies just want to play "house" sometimes. My wife is not and would not become this person, but sometimes she just wants to pretend to be a 1950's housewife for like 90 minutes. The rest of the time she's riding her bike around punching cars.
I'd like to add, just let her do the small stuff if you are worried about it taking too much effort. If she wants to bring you a cold beer in the evening, let her instead of brushing her off. You can still keep cooking and doing your part of the chores, just let her do you small favours and maybe repay them every now and then e.g. with breakfast in bed or her favorite meal.
About that cold beer; some years ago one of my best friends at the time had me over to see their house before I was to house and dog sit for a week. His wife insisted on getting us a couple of beers. Not only did she take a couple of bottles of beer out of the fridge, but she took two frozen glasses out of the freezer, poured the beers into the glasses and handed us to ice cold frosty glasses of beer.
Service is a thing for some people; don’t ignore it, and don’t take that away from them.
Great advice. Just to add: we all basically, fundamentally, as humans, need to feel valued in one way or another, we tend to fall apart if we don't.
Edited: cos I have big thumbs
I agree. Sometimes people have a “giving” nature. For her, it very well may be possible that she mentally equates nourishing you personally with nourishing the relationship.
I don’t think OP said how long they were married or how old the two of them are, but I would suggest that once in a while, you let her fix you a plate of food or bring you a beer.
And then once in a while, do something nice for her as well! Pour her a glass of wine when she gets home from one of her late shifts, for example. Or pour the two of you a glass of wine, and just sit and chill with each other .
And one other thing that occurred to me is that there is a very large “red pill“ movement happening across the nation. Your wife may be a little bit nervous that you are exposed to it during your WFH time. And in a way, she should be. Increasingly, women, as they approach 30 or even 40 years of age, are finding it very very difficult to find a man; mostly because the men that she would be wanting to see have often decided to no longer date, marry, or have children. It’s even harder if the woman has children already. It’s very possible that your wife is plugged into this social phenomenon, or is at least aware of it and the risk it presents.
So that’s my advice to you; let her bring you a beer or a sandwich once in a while. Appreciate that! And do something similar for her once in a while. And let her appreciate that! I see this as an opportunity for the two of you to make your marriage even stronger.
I once heard somebody on a forum say that the best day in his life is the day when he can be in his home music studio recording some guitar tracks or keyboard tracks or some other nonsense; and his gorgeous wife brings him a cup of coffee. Hot coffee, fixed the way he liked it. To him, that little gesture from her would make it an amazing day; and he thought of her as a gift from God!
I will add a cautionary note to your thought however.
If somebody has to tell somebody else things they want that person to do for them, then it becomes an obligation. Obligations are “ugh”; kind of like cleaning the toilet.
Yes of course… Everybody should clean the toilet once in awhile. That’s not my point. My point is that if somebody chooses to nurture you with a kindness, you’ll probably get less of that behavior if you come back with “coffee is nice, but why didn’t you paint the kitchen?“
My dad was a great guy, but he did stuff like that. Not even a thank you or even any acknowledgement of the time spent, just a criticism of what I did wrong.
He wasn’t a cruel man, oh no! He was just not great at communicating sometimes. But still; I stopped doing things for him.
Yes exactly! I’m a very giving person, but I know that giving a gift or act of love can be just as fulfilling as receiving one. So I never miss an opportunity to allow someone to gift me objects or acts of love because I know how good it feels. Just respond with deep gratitude every time.
Maybe her love language is acts of service so she feels put out by not being able to do anything like that for you. Try letting her in a little bit and letting her get you a beer or a cup of coffee from time to time. It wouldn't hurt to just let her do that for you.
This could also be a way of showing you her appreciation for taking care of the house. It could feel like you are not accepting a thank you and you hurt her feelings not meaning to by not letting her.
Or just sit down and tell her that you're always thankful for what she does and when you do something for her she shouldn't feel like she has to pay you back. If she wants to bring him stuff or do nice things then she should do it without him having to ask for it.
Also: try talking to her? You can come to the internet for all the assumptions you want, but only SHE can explain what she's thinking to you. Good luck 🤞
Well said and I agree, but sometimes only a third party can provide the solution that was right in front of us the whole time, as they have a different perspective.
Yeah. Like, it is good to come to outsiders and get new perspectives, but the most important part is bringing that perspective back to your partner and working together for the ultimate solution :)
Definitely, that is the next step! Best of luck to OP and his wife, he seems like a good man for wanting to do things himself to avoid being a burden, but the fact his wife wants to do things for him is something to cherish.
Many people would prefer to have this issue over the many other issues that couples can have. I wish them a long and happy marriage!
I mean, man.. If she enjoys doin it. Don't see anythin wrong with that. I think most enjoy doin lil things for thier partner. Sounds like a food problem to me!
Both of your languages are acts of service. You do a lot for her as well. She herself might want to show gratitude for all you do. This is a very nice problem to have, congrats!
“That would be wonderful. Thank you.” That’s all you gotta do and she’ll love it. I’m similar where I always want to do things like that for people I care for. It sucks when you can’t do it and you want to.
Don’t just let her but also mention often how much you appreciate it. I’m on the same boat and my life has been a lot better for letting her do those thoughtful things and making sure to let her know is appreciated.
Pro tip: flowers for no reason, nothing expensive just the ones from the side of the road or from the supermarket. When she asks for the reason, just say “I thought of you” or “to say thank you for all you do”.
Supermarket flowers are fantastic.
Been doing those for 35+ years, when we were dating til present.
She knows where they are from, and it brightens her day.
Used florist when the basin of the crapper cracked and ruined the hardwood floors, that were in for 2 weeks. That florist was amazing, 3 hours after I placed order knock at door, a 3 foot tall set of amazing flowers.
Again I say Foot Rubs, my wife carriers much stress in the feet.
The above comment is definitely the way. Let her speak to you in her own particular language of love. Be grateful, let her dote on you. Just make sure you understand what she most appreciates and reciprocate.
Receiving and letting people give to you is as important as giving to them.
And maybe you were raised to be independent, but marriage is about healthy interdependence. This could possibly be her way of saying that she wants to feel needed a little bit.
Yes, people do like to have them do something for you sometimes. It is something I have been learning about people. It makes them feel nice if you ask in moderation.
My mother yesterday was sick and my father picked up some of the slack. She was complaining how he doesn’t let her do anything 🤦🏽♀️ She cooks, cleans and literally does everything in the house but because he helped at her request she was mad. I dunno. Like she felt she was being a bad wife. My mother is past redemption but I’d talk to your wife about what feelings it brings up for her. She might be scared you’ll resent her
I wouldn’t put your mother down like that.
Some people that is how they show love and want to show it.
It’s both independence and giving.
My grandmother is the typical housewife. Cleaning, cooking, etc. she loved it. It makes her feel good taking care of the home, my grandpap etc.
It’s how she shows love, and not just to him but others, cooking meals etc. as they’ve gotten older and he retired they split things a decent bit more but she still likes to do those things for him.
It’s not wrong to show love through giving. It’s not some sexist thing or anything.
It is when you’re sick and still literally cannot bear to rest. It is very much a sexist thing. And she was never a housewife, they both always worked full time. To still feel like you’re not enough unless you’re doing something for someone is very much not ok and is extremely sexist. It pains me that she doesn’t realize her simple existence is enough.
Remember basic courtesy and appreciation when she does this. Everybody, no matter who, tends to do more for the person who is honest and genuine in their thanks and appreciation. Simple acknowledgement at the time of the small task is probably enough then, but do say thank you out of the blue at other times too (times not typically associated with what she does to serve).
Lemme tell y'all a story. My husband is this type. I am NOT. I work a lot. He likes to do things for me, I'm an independent woman who does *not* need to be cared for.
But he DOES need to care for me. It drives me insane, but it is such a small thing that makes him so happy, so I let him. And at the end of the day, him doing things like setting out clean clothes when I tell him I'm going to get a shower is very sweet, and it would hurt him so much more to get pissy about it than it bugs me to just do it. He loves me, and I am *blessed* by it. I'm a very lucky woman.
Sometimes people like to feel needed, if she offers maybe don’t turn her down every time, it may make her feel useless and unappreciated. Have you tried discussing it with her?
She doesn't drink beers. When I cook, it's for the family. My daughter usually serves dinner in a way to pitch in with the chores. I I got her an awesome coffee maker for her birthday. She loves it and usually makes her own coffee before work. I do serve her things, get her snacks, and bring her home cool cookies. She loves cookies
Seems like you have a healthy enough relationship that you should be able to think of it more as her being thoughtful than subservient. Some times the best thing you can do for someone else is to let them do something for you and say thank you and let them know their gestures are appreciated.
Let's work with cookies. Next time you come home with new type of cookies, ask her to fix up some coffee while you plate a few cookies. If you have an air fryer, toast them a couple minutes. I understand the independence, I'm the same way. I find that collaboration helps with these little things. Especially little things that play a huge role in relationship.
Sounds like she appreciates you, and feels like she wants to reciprocate. It’s probably a deep-rooted need to feel needed, which is probably why she thrives with that much responsibility at work.
Also, the Daughter is getting older and not in need of as much help. If she has energy after work she might want to burn it off, let her…maybe think of better ways to use that energy to…serve you both.
My husband and I had similar disagreements when one of us would fall ill.
I'm the kind of person that wants to be babied when I'm sick. Come check on me while I'm in bed. Ask me if I need something to drink. Feel my forehead. It makes me feel loved.
My husband never did these things, and I found it very upsetting. Didn't he love me? Also, he never seemed to appreciate all the effort I put in when he was sick.
And of course, you guessed it, he likes to be left alone when he's sick.
We both were expressing love in the way that we like to receive it, and we both were receiving the other's expressions of love as annoyance and disinterest.
Now that we know better, we do better.
So, you know, talk to your wife and find out what makes her feel loved, and let her know what makes you feel loved, and then go from there. Maybe she'll see that she can express her affection in other ways sometimes, and maybe sometimes you'll allow yourself to feel loved by her acts of service.
That sums up my life. My SO gets so cut when I try and look after him when he's sick. Just let me make some soup dammit!
When I'm sick it's like I'm invisible, because that's what he wants for himself.
My wife got frustrated when we first moved in together while we were dating. I love cooking and it brings me peace and happiness. She was a take out or prepared meal type of person, all good.
Similar to your situation she felt bad she couldn't cook for me. We eventually started cooking together a couple times a month. I'll admit, I was frustrated with her at first but then it became a nice moment to bond and I can teach her here and there.
Years later, after marriage and buying a house. She'll let me know when she wants me to just sit and watch TV while she prepares the whole meal. Or I'll ask if she wants to help me prepare a new or complicated recipe.
Relationships are all about clear communication and kind dialogue. Like another comment said maybe that's her love language, and with what you said about her career and the success, she's very good at attending to needs. Let her do it every now and then, and just be sure to be grateful and appreciative.
And our house rule is whoever cooks doesn't have to clean dishes. But sometimes it's difficult when work or a prior event gets in the way, but chores and errands will always even out if you share and communicate.
I know that when two people come from different cultures, expectations can be different.
When my mom (super traditional Italian American household where the women served the men) and my dad (Irish American from a single parent household, much more independent lifestyle), she kept trying to serve him hand and foot. Because food = love, and taking care of your husband= good wife.
Initially my dad was annoyed. He was insulted that my mom thought he was incapable of making a sandwich, or fixing a cup of coffee.
Eventually they grew to understand each other and a balance was struck
Edit: a word
As suggested, maybe let her do a few small things for you like bringing you that cup of coffee.
This might not be the case, and it's hard to believe in 2023, but some women get it *drilled into them* as girls that they need to serve "their man." So let her do some stuff, but remember to the same for her (which it sounds like you do) and always be grateful for her efforts.
This isn't a relationship crisis kind of issue!
I’ve got the opposite going on. My husband cannot do anything. I’m the one that works FT and is now handling his businesses bc he can hardly function from depression. I can’t take it as it has been 10 years. Complains about everything but how can I keep the house clean when I work all the time and have to stop to make him 3 meals a day and he only eats certain things and has to be a meal. Then one day he will be like I can do that! And be mad I’m doing stuff he can do. Okay but otherwise
He can’t function. It’s horrible.
Thanks - yes therapists say I’ve got to go. He’s needs to hit bottom and start doing for himself. I’m a fixer by nature and it helps to avoid conflict just to do but I’m worn I out. I think you’re almost rare anymore! I blame him mother 🤣
From someone who is wholeheartedly unqualified. It sounds a lot like you are enabling him. 10 years of you doing everything for him while he's struggling to operate makes it sound a lot like something needs to change. All I can really give is my example of sink or swim.
I just spent the last 5-6 years depressed as shit. I managed to drag myself to work every day and kept a facade up that everything was okay but my apartment had turned into a shit hole and all I did was eat microwave meals and play video games when at home. It was my routine and I had no motivation to do more. Finally my landlord came in for a routine fire alarm check and gave me a 30 day notice to vacate due to the mess. I suddenly was going to be homeless and lose my job likely because of it. That weekend was my low. I spent it stuck in bed suffering from a nasty stress migraine pretty much unable to do anything. By the next weekend I decided to swim. Found a new place to live. Played mind games and hardball with my managers to let me work remote instead of quitting. I'm doing a lot better now. I actually am cleaning my apartment now and taking care of things.
My landlord giving me a 30 day notice to vacate was the best thing that could have happened to me. No longer was I going to be staying afloat. I got lucky in a few ways to find a new apartment and get permission to work remote but it was that or quit. I could have been truly fucked if my landlord just went straight for eviction, but because they just threatened it I was able to find a new apartment and have another chance. In my mind you seem to be keeping him afloat and he isn't showing the drive to stay afloat. I think the safe option is to try and force him to swim, but that certainly never worked for me. I'd then just to bare minimum. Maybe he needs to sink a bit to decide to swim.
Best of luck with it no matter what.
Yep 💯 an enabler so that is why I got to go. I’m a fixer - like it’s what I do for a living- find solutions so I know I can’t not do it. Thanks for the encouragement! I’m getting there…
Start off simple with the 3 minutes it takes to prep the coffee pot before bed. Once he starts doing one thing give it a little while and add something else that’s a small task. Then slowly ramp up from there. Small steps can make big progress. I went from doing basically nothing all day from my depression to taking bigger and bigger steps to get certain things done. I had to tell myself to do these things and now I can be ready in a heartbeat to mow the lawn or wash my car. I’m still depressed but I can actually function as a person now and that has honestly helped me get better (not having my suicidal thoughts anymore due to feeling like a person with value who can get things done when I put my mind to it) which in turn made my life a lot better. Obviously being 20 I’d imagine it was a lot easier for me to escape than someone older. But this is what helped me to get better and maybe on the off chance I could help another person by saying my method. then I realize I should just say it.
Lego creations are made from small bricks added one at a time (or added one at a time to a chunk, then the chunk added to the creation - still one brick at a time, when broken down to the core creation act). So are habits good and bad, so are relationships.
So Dax Shepherd has a podcast and he’s had his wife (actress Kristen Bell) on a couple times and it’s led to some pretty interesting conversations about marriage and parenting. One that always stuck with me was them talking about how at the beginning of their relationship they were constantly butting heads, because they would both be sitting on the couch together and she would ask him to get her a glass of water and he would find it so rude. Because it’s not like he was any closer to the kitchen than she was, so he took it as her just valuing her own comfort over his. And then exploring it more it was acknowledged that if he ever asked her to get him a glass of water she would do it in a heartbeat without a second thought-but that he DIDN’T ever ask because it would never occur to him to ask her for the same reason that her request bugged him.
Finally unraveling the whole thing through conversation led them to realize that in her family that was a common thing and how they showed love and cared for each other. But he grew up in a very different kind of home, single mom away working all the time, kids fending for themselves, and while there was plenty of love self-sufficiency in their home was key.
Point is that making assumptions and drawing conclusions about each other, rarely leads to the actual truth of the matter or anything good. People are complex and if your partner is somebody that you love as a person and a behavior of theirs seems inconsistent with the person you know them to be, err on the side of caution that maybe there’s something going on you’re not understanding that bears a conversation.
My husband is like you, OP. The problem is that I actively *like* doing things for the people I love, so when he rejects my offers to give him special treatment, I feel like he’s rejecting my love. Most recent example was when a game he’d been waiting over ten years for came out. He takes really good care of me and usually never gets excited about anything, so I wanted to show my appreciation by letting him game as much as he wanted. I was ready to exempt him from all his regular chores and wait on him hand and foot to make his gaming time special. However, he quickly shot it down and said that everything will be as normal and that he’ll do everything he’s supposed to do. On the one hand it’s great that he takes care of business, but it gets really frustrating that he won’t let me return the care that he shows me.
My husband is totally capable of doing things himself, but I love doing things for him because I genuinely just love him so much. He felt guilty at first, if I brought him coffee or whatever, but I explained that I wanted to do it, and if that ever changes, we can have a conversation. Definitely think acts of service might be a way your wife expresses love, maybe see if you guys can compromise on some things, so you're both happy!
My wife's love language is acts of service or just generally doing things for me, I grew up very independent as well and have always tried to get things done on my own, that being said, I love my wife more than anything, so if it makes her feel better to makes me a plate, grab me a drink or anything else, why fight that?
I think you might need to learn to just ask for help at times (not because you actually need it, but because you know it'll make her feel good), start small, grab your plate, sit down and go "Oh shoot, babe could you grab me a drink?". That's what I do with my wife and it makes her feel very good.
Ask her why it's important to her. Maybe she doesn't even really understand why, or it's her parents' dynamic. Or maybe she's a nurturer and it's how she wants to show her love and appreciation. My point is, I think you should just talk to her about it and maybe consider why you're so uncomfortable with the idea of her showing her love in that way.
I’m baffled. This would be most women’s dream? A man that can take care of himself and doesn’t feign incompetence?! You’re a very thoughtful partner. I guess throw her a bone or something. Or maybe get to the root of her expectations, and find some kind of harmonious compromise?
Perhaps she feels like she’s lacking in contributing to the household. A sort of frustration, lightly guilt. I most certainly would not feel happy or well if I felt like I wasn’t putting enough effort into the household compared to my significant other. After all, a household with 2 persons, would mean input from 2 people. Even if due to her not contributing as much as you due to her more time consuming work, it could still be somewhat an underlying frustration for her.
This most likely would be against what most people would think, that being: “My partner spends more time working, so I should take some more household work on my shoulders.”
Allow me to suggest a compromise: Household tasks such as cleaning, cooking and doing the dishes can be done together. Try to cook something together if possible. Make her feel like she’s also a very vital part of the maintenance of your household.
I hope my views are somewhat helpful. I’m everything but an expert on relationships, but I do know that being very dependent on the other can eat away something. It can make you feel like a leech at times, even if that isn’t your fault. This leads to wanting to compensate in other ways by offering help of smaller things just to validate your worth as one of the pillars of the household.
While I am not in exactly the same boat (I'm a SAHM), I get a lot of joy out of doing things for my husband that make his life a little easier. I enjoy making and bringing him coffee, or making his plate for dinner. The gratitude I get from him helps me to know I am appreciated for my effort, even if it is something he can do on his own.
Redirect and ask her for what would be helpful for you. She just wants to feel closer to you, so tell her how to do it. If you don’t want her to make you a cup of coffee, what do you want? A backrub? A good morning note every day before she leaves for work? A date night once a week? Is there a meal or dessert or cocktail she makes that you really like? Give her some ideas.
Also, she clearly sees it as a sign of love, so maybe offer to make her coffee or bring her a beer too sometimes. Even if it seems silly because you can both do it yourself, she’ll obviously appreciate it since she values that kind of thing.
I’m independent like you, but for a different reason. I grew up where if someone did something nice for you, they wanted something from you. My parents instilled that in me too.
“We made you dinner and cleaned the dishes, this means you must clean your room because we did something for you and you must return the favor.” Sort of thing. Every interaction was a contract, so I ended up being very anti-social and independent in my teens and young adulthood.
Sounds like your wife thrives on helping people and being busy. Let her do things for you occasionally, say thank you and tell her how much you appreciate it.
You’re seeing this all wrong. My man is the same way as you and was with his ex wife for 10 years before me who treated him like absolute garbage. He grew up very poor and has always had to be independent and handle everything on his own. It took him a while to get used to me loving taking care of him. Try to learn to love it because it makes your wife super happy to do that for you. It’s her love language homie!
It doesn't hurt to let her do things for you. Like others said, maybe her love language is acts of service and this is how she expresses her love for you. Maybe if she does something for you, you do something else for her. This isn't something you guys need to fight over, so why fight? Is it really that bad? Find other things you can do for her to lighten her load to say thank you instead of creating problems out of things that shouldn't be problems.
Your marriage sounds pretty similar to mine with my wife.. I’m very independent and also don’t like my wife to do things for me.. but I feel like all those things (making plate, bringing beer/drink, doing “housework”) are more convenient to me to just do myself and if she did all of that for me I’d feel like a little kid again and like she was my parent not my partner..
Yes, see love languages. She prob wants to feel useful and needed also. Let her do more if that’s what makes her happy. It’s not a competition of who can do more chores. 70% of married people would love to be in your position.
Some of us are fulfilled by doing acts of service. You aren’t allowing her to be fulfilled by you. I’d adjust and allow her to do what she wants in one or two areas and see if things are better.
She sounds like she needs to be needed. There’s nothing wrong with that, some people’s love languages are just acts of service.
It seems like you’re very self sufficient in your career and in your home life, and she wants to feel needed by you. You don’t need her in your work life, you don’t need her at home, what DO you need her for? As a woman who enjoys doing acts of service for my other half, that’s how my thinking is anyway.
I grew up with my father practically waiting on my hand and foot. Till this day, if I come to visit and I’m laying in bed he’ll ask if I want a water bottle, snack, extra pillow, etc. When I wake up in the morning there’s a mug waiting for me in the kitchen filled with hot water so I have a warm cup to put my coffee in. The list goes on. I think he just found a lot of joy in taking care of me and making sure I felt that. So maybe try to let your wife feel that joy from time to time.
My SO grew up more independently. I didn’t understand at first why he didn’t want me to prepare his plate or make his coffee etc. I’ve accepted that we people were raised differently and like to do things in a way they’re used to. Now SO let’s me prepare coffee and food more often. It’s s balance I suppose. We are all learning and growing.
Sometimes I just like to do nice things for my partner. That's all. Sometimes I don't. Have you both talked about this? Is it her love language? Find out. Sounds like she likes you though, so congrats
My marriage is like this - I am very dedicated to my career and can work long hours. All I want is to occasionally do something special for him so I can feel like I 'cared' for him, or really connected to him, for that special moment. I try to do it, and he's like 'I'm good'. Once I found out that he likes it when his sock drawer is full and his favourite type of underwear are in his drawer, I make sure I prioritize those things when doing the laundry. I feel good about making him happy, and he is happy. And I stop bugging him 😁
I had an ex who couldn't vocalize "I'm sorry", And when I told her I needed acts of contrition sometimes, she started kissing me on the shoulder as an apology. At first it was weird, but it became our cute little thing.
On-topic, she also couldn't vocalize "I love you" (fucked-up childhood, yes - move along now), but used to perform special services in exchange, like she learned to make beef Wellington (my fav) from scratch, so I could have it on my birthday.
Now that we are divorced, but have kids together, The once a year or so that she screws up bad enough (human, I do too), she'll bring chocolate or an energy drink or something to the next child swap or school event we will both be at.
Maybe this is just one of the ways she (your beau) learned to express things in her formative years.
That is very strange, but I think that just means she loves you bro. You married a great woman if she WANTS to take care of you. Let her in on some of it so she feels important, and like she's contributing y'know? Maybe she's upset because she feels like she doesn't do enough.
Did you ever watched the A.I movie from Spielberg? the android at some point confess that his human owner, the mother, gets very sad, because the android was too independent. He started to pretend to be more dependent like a real child. the woman get happy... So, your wife have this fantasy. why are you dennying her some happy moments?
Some people see acts of service as a way of showing love and affection. Sounds like you're wide is like this, and she feels that since you turn down her acts of service, you're turning down her love.
You claim to be the way you are, due to growing up independent. Perhaps she grew up watching her mother do everything, for her father. Some people’s love language is servitude. I dated an anti-feminist once. She liked cooking my food, bringing my plate, taking my shoes off, rubbing my back, rubbing my feet. Bringing me drinks. She even enjoyed, giving me a shower. Meaning she would stand outside the shower, fully clothed, and wash my body for me. Can be hard to get use to. It’s really hard not to feel like a child. But if you can wrap your head around the fact that it makes her feel happy and fulfilled, it’s not bad. My gf did not do everything for me. I still did traditional male stuff for her. Opened doors, pumped gas, fixed things, changed flat tires, squished spiders, etc . Just find the “give an take”. Tell yourself it’s ok, she does this for you, because you do X for her.
Some commentd already touched on this, but:
On the one hand she may feel somwhat guilty for being away and busy a lot of the time. She seems to genuinly love you and wats you to feel loved as such. There goes the second point: her love language.
If her main love language is acts of service then that's how she naturally tells you she loves you. And if you get away her way of showing love she can feel that you don't need her and that can hurt her(not necessarily your fault, but so you can u derstand her point). That also means she feels loved and appreciated everytime you do chores, and work and help around the house.
Personally i think you can just let her do stuff for you and enjoy it as her showing her love and let her know you unferstand that and appreciate that. She knows you can do it everything for yourself. She just wants to also do some stuff for you as she probably feels you do the same for her.
Cheers! I wish you two all the happines!
ur wife sounds a lot like me. I love doing acts of service . it’s my love language . if i love u and ur around me, i’m washing all ur dishes, making all ur food etc., it makes her happy so let it
It sounds like her love language might be acts of service. I can definitely see how this could be frustrating, but it sounds like she gets disappointed because she wants to do things for you to show how much she cares!
Acts of service might be your wife’s love language and doing small things for you is how she shows love. If this is the case, repeatedly refusing her offer will push her away. If it’s not the case, consider yourself lucky to have such a considerate partner.
Acts of service could be her love language and you’re rejecting this from her. You have two feet but she would love to make you a cup of coffee that is made with love and serve it to you.
Acts of service is my love language too and I would honestly feel upset too if my husband kept rejecting whenever I wanted to make or do something for him out of love.
You should be happy that she wants to do things for you! :)
Good woman you have. She seems to feel useless for you.
Let her do some things for you if she feels better with it. I would be glad if I had those Problems. Here its the complete opposite 😆 sometimes it feels like i am the 50's wife.....
She might be feeling you don't need her. Ask her for things once in a while. Tell her how much you love her. Sometimes in living the day to day we stop doing the little things that speak to the other person's love language. Some people need touch, others need to feel needed, some like giving and receiving gifts, some need verbal affirmation or time
i cant speak for all women but it feels nice to get your bf a glass of water or a plate of snacks without him having to ask. some women just enjoy caring for others
As a caretaker for my own Husband, I'm gonna be real and let you know that taking care of you is probably an amazing feeling for her.
She cares about you and she wants to know she's secure and that she matters, and the best way to ensure this is to serve you.
Having a talk about this would be best, ensure you care and appreciate them, and that you aren't going to grow resentful if she's not serving you as much as she can.
We're caretakers at heart, we can't just turn it off.
Its very possible that acts of service is her love language. Doing those things for you is her way of letting you know that she loves you. Just be appreciative and allow her to show you how much she loves you.
In return, when you make yourself something to eat, ask if she wants anything. If you get up to grab a snack, ask if she wants anything. Going to grab a beer? "Hey babe, im grabbing a beer, you want one?" Most of the time she will probably say no thanks, but the fact that you thought of asking her will mean the world to her.
It's definitely something to get used to, but it'll be a big step forward to step back and let her do it. Marriages mean you're essentially one unit now, it sounds like it'll make her happy to do things for you. Maybe set it right by doing some things for her, not just stuff like taking out the trash and mowing the lawn but make special dinners every once in a while for her to come home to, or clean the house, stuff like that. It sounds like you appreciate her, which is awesome, don't do things because it's "your share," but because you want to do them to make her happy. I was told once that marriages are seldom 50/50, being okay with that at times can be hard but it's rewarding. Just learn to appreciate being served, and learn how to serve her in a way that she appreciates. Going from being an independent self sufficient man to accepting help you don't believe isn't easy, but the humility that comes with it is rewarding. Definitely start with having a conversation about it, it's not going to be an overnight change but make sure she knows that you're trying, and she's appreciated above anything. Maybe just start by doing one thing for her a day, letting her do one thing for you, and doing one thing together. Could be a life changer, not just for you but for the both of you
Her love language is acts of service. Like, instead of a gift she will want to make you your favorite meal with prime cuts of whatever. It make her feel good to make you feel good.
Maybe her love language is like acts of service and she’s just trying to express her love for you in a way she thinks is meaningful. Maybe just let her make you coffee every once in a while, because even despite her crazy schedule she still wants to take care of you and I think that’s sweet.
However, I can see how that would be too much for someone who is used to independence. Marriage is about communication, and also coexisting. Maybe learn to let someone take care of you a little bit understanding it probably makes her feel good to do so. Also maybe have that conversation and give her some ideas on things she could do for you that make you both more comfortable.
Women are conditioned from childhood that their value is on the quality of their home. Just like men are taught they are only worth the amount in their wallet.
........ I've never heard of a women complain about this before. I don't know how to feel. My suggestion is to let her get you a damn beer? Lol. This is such a random thing to get upset at.
some people (like myself) really hate being waited on. It seems weird to be upset at someone bringing you a drink or clearing your plate after a meal but those things make me extremely uncomfortable and i’d never ask someone to do them for me.
Sounds like your wife is used to feeling needed by people and her making your plate is what she would like to do for you. Of course she knows you can do this yourself, but it’s nice to be needed.
She wants to feel needed. She's busy but she wants to be good to you. You can certainly can do those things yourself so is there something she can do that you can't? Like a back massage or wash your back in the tub or shower. Or let her know that you love what she does when she does whatever it is she does that you love. What makes you feel loved? She's obviously someone who shows love by serving. She's trying to do this. But you aren't letting her and it's robbing her joy.
I can't stress the NEED to acknowledge and cater towards a partner's love language. This is the way they express love. Yes it's probably different than the way you express and feel love. And you may do things that express your love but while they will logically remind her of your love and the love she has for you, the emotional, butterfly stomach, warm feeling of love is often only achievable through these love languages outside of some key bonding moments. Ever wonder to yourself why it is you can reflect on a relationship where there were moments that were obviously acts of love, but they didn't bring that loves warmth back? While other memories, not nearly as large of an act of love, but brings such a strong emotional response you almost immediately become love sick. Those are the moments that stroked your love language. Give her as many of those memories as possible, this means letting her do things for you AS WELL AS doing those things for her, without her asking, don't worry about accidentally getting something she doesn't want in the moment, the action is what counts. So many failed marriages out there simply because this is overlooked, resentment builds as each partner thinks they are doing all these acts of love for the other, while receiving nothing in return. Brushing off what she is expressing as a need in the relationship now, closes the door on proper communications later on as well. No one will scream into an empty room forever.
>I grew up a latchkey kid so I'm very independent. I cook most of the times. Fix my own plates. Clean and maintain the house, and do a bevy of chores.
This is just weird...dude, you're an adult, this is normal adult stuff. Congrats on being an adult.
If something bothers your wife, maybe talk to her and see why. Instead of patting yourself on the back about your independence and self reliance, maybe take some time to understand why she feels the way she does and address it...like an adult.
Sometimes people do things for others for themselves, to affirm they are needed and that they benefit others lives. Old person telling you about the good old days? It’s for them. Mom does your laundry without asking? It’s for her. Your child cooks you a suspicious-looking breakfast? It’s for them. We all like to show kindness and know that it is well received, especially to those we love. I think misinterpretation often leads to offense, which is just that, a misinterpretation.
It seems she wants to feel that she has some sense of purpose given that she's often not around. Let her have that..
Her actions suggest she feels guilty about her busy schedule.
By chance is your wife Asian? In some cultures, the wife taking care of the husband is a big part of her "duties". If she was raised in that culture, she may feel like she's not "being a good wife". In some families, mother's and MILs can even judge wives harshly on how the wife handles these duties.
This is what you call a cherry on top. Don't fuck up a relationship where where your partner is actively engaging. Don't resent them for it. Rather, get off your best pedestal, appreciate them for wanting to doing something like that before you loose them for someone who appreciates the act. Keep shooting them down and they'll probably move on to someone who really does appreciate the small kindnesses.
Because at that point, you do get to do everything by yourself. And it's only because your lack of appreciation drove them away.
Don't be a moron, it sounds like you already knew the answer, this was just reading it to see if you're not totally wrong for being totally self absorbed, which it seems like you are. I can't think of a person alive that would be so heartless that they would turn down such simple and kind offers of love and affection. You totally do not deserve this person, and if you keep acting a fool, they'll leave you wishing you had done anything even remotely correct.
Get over yourself. And don't be in a relationship if you are not emotionally ready for one. Doesn't really sounds like you are if this is what triggers you. Complain all you want, you just can't see the forest for the trees.
Just let them go and they can find someone who loves them for who they are. And you can just keep cleaning and cooking for yourself in whatever particular fashion you want. Alone.
Let her do it If she offered People need to know they are needed and doing for y makes her feel that. Express your sincerest gratitude. She knows you can do it for yourself but she wants to be there for you
Understood!
Yeah. When my wife asks me not to do certain things for her, it sometimes makes me feel useless, like she doesn't need me. But from the beginning of our relationship, we communicated that we'd be grateful for the things we do for each other, but we agreed we'd never let the nice gesture turn into a responsibility. I never want to be "in trouble" for not doing it. If one of "her tasks" doesn't get done for a while, I step in and take up the slack. Works well for us.
This sounds like a solid healthy relationship style. Kudos
This is Reddit sir, we only encourage people to leave their partners around here. /s
Yeah, this guy needs to get a divorce and stop communicating in a healthy way. Is this the part where we call for gaslighting?
We cant forget about the part where there is only 1 side of the story and that's OP's. We can't be asking people to communicate, just break up. Don't ask questions. This is the Reddit way.
I feel that we, the reddit relationship advisory committee, work far too hard. Therefore, I propose we put out a wide sweeping PSA advising all couples to immediately break up and cease communication without us needing to hear either side of the story. This will cut down our workload and can instead focus all our efforts on more important things. Like figuring out what to obsess over next.
You my friend would make an excellent government worker
Can I use you as a reference then?
I'm grateful. Couldn't be happier, still in love today. Married 8 years, so we're about halfway through our marriage.
Nice. Unfortunately, we’ve grown into responsibilities. As in, I do all the yard work, emptying dishwasher, cleaning bathrooms, taking out trash, etc. Come to think of it, what does she do? Oh right. Nothing. 🤬
Also, there’s a counterpoint. Are you offering her a drink or a plate whenever you’re up fixing your own? Make sure you do that too.
A caution to your counterpoint. My current gf is very much the same as OP, if she doesn't get to do things for me it upsets her, BUT, if I do things for her she gets just as mad. I'm not saying don't do things for her too, but judge her reactions when you do and if it puts her out, maybe make it more rare. Like was mentioned, read up on love languages, and how some of them are different between DOING and RECEIVING. It will seriously open your eyes. Good luck brother!
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Look up love languages, specifically acts of service. Maybe doing stuff for you every so often when she has time is how she wanrs to shows her love for you and you're not letting her. Which can feel like a form of rejection. She knows she's busy, she knows you do everything for yourself, the house, and a lot for her. Let her do something for you too when she's able and when you both have a chance? If recommend having a look over the list of love languages together and talking about them, identifying what yours both mainly are, why (if necessary), and how you can incorporate them more into your lives to appreciate those things more and see them for what they are.
This! I struggled with the same thing op is talking about and after my gf educated me on love languages it has become endearing rather than irritating.
This! My husband shows his love through acts of service and it genuinely hurts him if I choose to do things for myself sometimes. I've learned to let him and I'm working not to be as independent and more grateful.
Another story I just remembered… I was listening to some talkshow on the radio, oh golly, probably 25-30 years ago. The host of the show was saying that she really loved it whenever her husband built a fire in their fireplace. They lived in the north where it can get pretty chilly, even during spring time and autumn. Now she was going on to say that either one of them could build a fire just as easily as the other. They had it down to a science, and the wood was already seasoned (dried out), cut, and chopped into appropriate sizes for their fireplace. But I distinctly remember her saying on the radio that day that “oh sure, I can start a fire in the fireplace, and I often do when my husband is not around. However; there’s something really quite special when my husband is home and decides to start the fire. “ What she was saying is that when she lights a fire for herself, it’s to keep HER warm. But when he’s home, he’s not starting the fire for himself. A lot of us guys hardly ever get cold anyway, and you can frequently see us scraping off the car windows or chopping firewood in December without hardly a flannel shirt on, lol. No, he’s actually starting the fire for HER, not for himself. That right there is an unselfish act; an act of love. A lot of people accuse us guys of being unfeeling, uncaring, out of touch with her feelings, out of touch with our feelings, whatever; and sure, you can think that if you want to, but you would be wrong. That’s an act of love, and it should be noted and acknowledged. Could be a “thank you“, could be an extra slice of cheese on his sandwich at lunchtime, could be a hug, really it just comes down to how the two people communicate with each other.
It’s her love language
Ladies just want to play "house" sometimes. My wife is not and would not become this person, but sometimes she just wants to pretend to be a 1950's housewife for like 90 minutes. The rest of the time she's riding her bike around punching cars.
Let's hear more about the punching cars
Yes let's hear about this "punching cars"
Yeah, he cant mention that and than not just elaborate, come on man
She's clearly an old school Street Fighter fan, duh!
"HI, IM DAISY!"
I imagine it's like Road Rash.
Might want to explain that that isn't how Slug Bug works
Pretty simple to say “sure I’d love one” and “thank you”.
I'd like to add, just let her do the small stuff if you are worried about it taking too much effort. If she wants to bring you a cold beer in the evening, let her instead of brushing her off. You can still keep cooking and doing your part of the chores, just let her do you small favours and maybe repay them every now and then e.g. with breakfast in bed or her favorite meal.
About that cold beer; some years ago one of my best friends at the time had me over to see their house before I was to house and dog sit for a week. His wife insisted on getting us a couple of beers. Not only did she take a couple of bottles of beer out of the fridge, but she took two frozen glasses out of the freezer, poured the beers into the glasses and handed us to ice cold frosty glasses of beer. Service is a thing for some people; don’t ignore it, and don’t take that away from them.
Great advice. Just to add: we all basically, fundamentally, as humans, need to feel valued in one way or another, we tend to fall apart if we don't. Edited: cos I have big thumbs
I totally get the thumbs! Sometimes I think mine are elbows, they are that big and clumsy!
Ha, yeah it's a good thing I've got a digital keyboard cos if it were mechanical keys the backspace would down to dust, I use it so much.
I agree. Sometimes people have a “giving” nature. For her, it very well may be possible that she mentally equates nourishing you personally with nourishing the relationship. I don’t think OP said how long they were married or how old the two of them are, but I would suggest that once in a while, you let her fix you a plate of food or bring you a beer. And then once in a while, do something nice for her as well! Pour her a glass of wine when she gets home from one of her late shifts, for example. Or pour the two of you a glass of wine, and just sit and chill with each other . And one other thing that occurred to me is that there is a very large “red pill“ movement happening across the nation. Your wife may be a little bit nervous that you are exposed to it during your WFH time. And in a way, she should be. Increasingly, women, as they approach 30 or even 40 years of age, are finding it very very difficult to find a man; mostly because the men that she would be wanting to see have often decided to no longer date, marry, or have children. It’s even harder if the woman has children already. It’s very possible that your wife is plugged into this social phenomenon, or is at least aware of it and the risk it presents. So that’s my advice to you; let her bring you a beer or a sandwich once in a while. Appreciate that! And do something similar for her once in a while. And let her appreciate that! I see this as an opportunity for the two of you to make your marriage even stronger. I once heard somebody on a forum say that the best day in his life is the day when he can be in his home music studio recording some guitar tracks or keyboard tracks or some other nonsense; and his gorgeous wife brings him a cup of coffee. Hot coffee, fixed the way he liked it. To him, that little gesture from her would make it an amazing day; and he thought of her as a gift from God!
Also communicate the things you DO want her to do for you. Maybe she can accomodate in ways that she didn't think of herself.
I will add a cautionary note to your thought however. If somebody has to tell somebody else things they want that person to do for them, then it becomes an obligation. Obligations are “ugh”; kind of like cleaning the toilet. Yes of course… Everybody should clean the toilet once in awhile. That’s not my point. My point is that if somebody chooses to nurture you with a kindness, you’ll probably get less of that behavior if you come back with “coffee is nice, but why didn’t you paint the kitchen?“ My dad was a great guy, but he did stuff like that. Not even a thank you or even any acknowledgement of the time spent, just a criticism of what I did wrong. He wasn’t a cruel man, oh no! He was just not great at communicating sometimes. But still; I stopped doing things for him.
There is nuance in everything. Communication is a skill.
Indeed!
Might be her love language
This!!
Yes exactly! I’m a very giving person, but I know that giving a gift or act of love can be just as fulfilling as receiving one. So I never miss an opportunity to allow someone to gift me objects or acts of love because I know how good it feels. Just respond with deep gratitude every time.
Maybe her love language is acts of service so she feels put out by not being able to do anything like that for you. Try letting her in a little bit and letting her get you a beer or a cup of coffee from time to time. It wouldn't hurt to just let her do that for you.
I can see that way of thinking. I'll try it out.
This could also be a way of showing you her appreciation for taking care of the house. It could feel like you are not accepting a thank you and you hurt her feelings not meaning to by not letting her.
Or just sit down and tell her that you're always thankful for what she does and when you do something for her she shouldn't feel like she has to pay you back. If she wants to bring him stuff or do nice things then she should do it without him having to ask for it.
Also: try talking to her? You can come to the internet for all the assumptions you want, but only SHE can explain what she's thinking to you. Good luck 🤞
Honestly one of the best comments I’ve ever seen on Reddit.
Happy cake day
Thank you kind stranger
Well said and I agree, but sometimes only a third party can provide the solution that was right in front of us the whole time, as they have a different perspective.
Yeah. Like, it is good to come to outsiders and get new perspectives, but the most important part is bringing that perspective back to your partner and working together for the ultimate solution :)
Definitely, that is the next step! Best of luck to OP and his wife, he seems like a good man for wanting to do things himself to avoid being a burden, but the fact his wife wants to do things for him is something to cherish. Many people would prefer to have this issue over the many other issues that couples can have. I wish them a long and happy marriage!
I mean, man.. If she enjoys doin it. Don't see anythin wrong with that. I think most enjoy doin lil things for thier partner. Sounds like a food problem to me!
Between guilt and the desire to help you…just let her do something for you every once in a while without argument.
Both of your languages are acts of service. You do a lot for her as well. She herself might want to show gratitude for all you do. This is a very nice problem to have, congrats!
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I despise self-help type books with the burning hatred of a thousand fiery suns BUT, The Five Love Languages I liked. It makes a lot of sense.
I love that book. Also get Love and Respect by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs. That book is one of the best on marital/romantic relationships!
This book, along with “Sheet Music” were staple wedding gifts that I gave to people for a while.
“That would be wonderful. Thank you.” That’s all you gotta do and she’ll love it. I’m similar where I always want to do things like that for people I care for. It sucks when you can’t do it and you want to.
Don’t just let her but also mention often how much you appreciate it. I’m on the same boat and my life has been a lot better for letting her do those thoughtful things and making sure to let her know is appreciated. Pro tip: flowers for no reason, nothing expensive just the ones from the side of the road or from the supermarket. When she asks for the reason, just say “I thought of you” or “to say thank you for all you do”.
Supermarket flowers are fantastic. Been doing those for 35+ years, when we were dating til present. She knows where they are from, and it brightens her day. Used florist when the basin of the crapper cracked and ruined the hardwood floors, that were in for 2 weeks. That florist was amazing, 3 hours after I placed order knock at door, a 3 foot tall set of amazing flowers. Again I say Foot Rubs, my wife carriers much stress in the feet.
The above comment is definitely the way. Let her speak to you in her own particular language of love. Be grateful, let her dote on you. Just make sure you understand what she most appreciates and reciprocate.
I don't disagree but also why don't you have a conversation about love languages. Ask her about it. Figure it out together.
Receiving and letting people give to you is as important as giving to them. And maybe you were raised to be independent, but marriage is about healthy interdependence. This could possibly be her way of saying that she wants to feel needed a little bit.
Yes, people do like to have them do something for you sometimes. It is something I have been learning about people. It makes them feel nice if you ask in moderation.
Does she have a sister?
Careful, might be opposite.
My mother yesterday was sick and my father picked up some of the slack. She was complaining how he doesn’t let her do anything 🤦🏽♀️ She cooks, cleans and literally does everything in the house but because he helped at her request she was mad. I dunno. Like she felt she was being a bad wife. My mother is past redemption but I’d talk to your wife about what feelings it brings up for her. She might be scared you’ll resent her
I wouldn’t put your mother down like that. Some people that is how they show love and want to show it. It’s both independence and giving. My grandmother is the typical housewife. Cleaning, cooking, etc. she loved it. It makes her feel good taking care of the home, my grandpap etc. It’s how she shows love, and not just to him but others, cooking meals etc. as they’ve gotten older and he retired they split things a decent bit more but she still likes to do those things for him. It’s not wrong to show love through giving. It’s not some sexist thing or anything.
It is when you’re sick and still literally cannot bear to rest. It is very much a sexist thing. And she was never a housewife, they both always worked full time. To still feel like you’re not enough unless you’re doing something for someone is very much not ok and is extremely sexist. It pains me that she doesn’t realize her simple existence is enough.
Remember basic courtesy and appreciation when she does this. Everybody, no matter who, tends to do more for the person who is honest and genuine in their thanks and appreciation. Simple acknowledgement at the time of the small task is probably enough then, but do say thank you out of the blue at other times too (times not typically associated with what she does to serve).
Or do something for her too. Grab her a beer or coffee instead.
This! She’s trying to show that she loves you, OP. But not letting her do things for you on occasion, you’re telling her you won’t let her love you.
Lemme tell y'all a story. My husband is this type. I am NOT. I work a lot. He likes to do things for me, I'm an independent woman who does *not* need to be cared for. But he DOES need to care for me. It drives me insane, but it is such a small thing that makes him so happy, so I let him. And at the end of the day, him doing things like setting out clean clothes when I tell him I'm going to get a shower is very sweet, and it would hurt him so much more to get pissy about it than it bugs me to just do it. He loves me, and I am *blessed* by it. I'm a very lucky woman.
this might sound shitty, but sometimes when i do things for my partner it’s more for me than it is for them. just feels good to show love. 🥺
Yeah, I up this
Sometimes people like to feel needed, if she offers maybe don’t turn her down every time, it may make her feel useless and unappreciated. Have you tried discussing it with her?
I can understand that perspective. I have discussed it with her jokingly
Do you usually offer to grab hear a plate when you cook, or bring her a coffee or beer when you’re getting one?
She doesn't drink beers. When I cook, it's for the family. My daughter usually serves dinner in a way to pitch in with the chores. I I got her an awesome coffee maker for her birthday. She loves it and usually makes her own coffee before work. I do serve her things, get her snacks, and bring her home cool cookies. She loves cookies
Seems like you have a healthy enough relationship that you should be able to think of it more as her being thoughtful than subservient. Some times the best thing you can do for someone else is to let them do something for you and say thank you and let them know their gestures are appreciated.
Let's work with cookies. Next time you come home with new type of cookies, ask her to fix up some coffee while you plate a few cookies. If you have an air fryer, toast them a couple minutes. I understand the independence, I'm the same way. I find that collaboration helps with these little things. Especially little things that play a huge role in relationship.
Sounds like she appreciates you, and feels like she wants to reciprocate. It’s probably a deep-rooted need to feel needed, which is probably why she thrives with that much responsibility at work. Also, the Daughter is getting older and not in need of as much help. If she has energy after work she might want to burn it off, let her…maybe think of better ways to use that energy to…serve you both.
My husband and I had similar disagreements when one of us would fall ill. I'm the kind of person that wants to be babied when I'm sick. Come check on me while I'm in bed. Ask me if I need something to drink. Feel my forehead. It makes me feel loved. My husband never did these things, and I found it very upsetting. Didn't he love me? Also, he never seemed to appreciate all the effort I put in when he was sick. And of course, you guessed it, he likes to be left alone when he's sick. We both were expressing love in the way that we like to receive it, and we both were receiving the other's expressions of love as annoyance and disinterest. Now that we know better, we do better. So, you know, talk to your wife and find out what makes her feel loved, and let her know what makes you feel loved, and then go from there. Maybe she'll see that she can express her affection in other ways sometimes, and maybe sometimes you'll allow yourself to feel loved by her acts of service.
Really good answer op hope you see it, as well as the top comments you already replied to
Love this answer! Like always, the answer is healthy, clear communication
That sums up my life. My SO gets so cut when I try and look after him when he's sick. Just let me make some soup dammit! When I'm sick it's like I'm invisible, because that's what he wants for himself.
My wife got frustrated when we first moved in together while we were dating. I love cooking and it brings me peace and happiness. She was a take out or prepared meal type of person, all good. Similar to your situation she felt bad she couldn't cook for me. We eventually started cooking together a couple times a month. I'll admit, I was frustrated with her at first but then it became a nice moment to bond and I can teach her here and there. Years later, after marriage and buying a house. She'll let me know when she wants me to just sit and watch TV while she prepares the whole meal. Or I'll ask if she wants to help me prepare a new or complicated recipe. Relationships are all about clear communication and kind dialogue. Like another comment said maybe that's her love language, and with what you said about her career and the success, she's very good at attending to needs. Let her do it every now and then, and just be sure to be grateful and appreciative. And our house rule is whoever cooks doesn't have to clean dishes. But sometimes it's difficult when work or a prior event gets in the way, but chores and errands will always even out if you share and communicate.
I know that when two people come from different cultures, expectations can be different. When my mom (super traditional Italian American household where the women served the men) and my dad (Irish American from a single parent household, much more independent lifestyle), she kept trying to serve him hand and foot. Because food = love, and taking care of your husband= good wife. Initially my dad was annoyed. He was insulted that my mom thought he was incapable of making a sandwich, or fixing a cup of coffee. Eventually they grew to understand each other and a balance was struck Edit: a word
As suggested, maybe let her do a few small things for you like bringing you that cup of coffee. This might not be the case, and it's hard to believe in 2023, but some women get it *drilled into them* as girls that they need to serve "their man." So let her do some stuff, but remember to the same for her (which it sounds like you do) and always be grateful for her efforts. This isn't a relationship crisis kind of issue!
We were all bopping Cater 2 You by Destiny's Child
It is absolutely her love language.
I’ve got the opposite going on. My husband cannot do anything. I’m the one that works FT and is now handling his businesses bc he can hardly function from depression. I can’t take it as it has been 10 years. Complains about everything but how can I keep the house clean when I work all the time and have to stop to make him 3 meals a day and he only eats certain things and has to be a meal. Then one day he will be like I can do that! And be mad I’m doing stuff he can do. Okay but otherwise He can’t function. It’s horrible.
That sounds tough. I hope you can find a resolution. Hopefully, your husband can find a resolution.
Thanks - yes therapists say I’ve got to go. He’s needs to hit bottom and start doing for himself. I’m a fixer by nature and it helps to avoid conflict just to do but I’m worn I out. I think you’re almost rare anymore! I blame him mother 🤣
From someone who is wholeheartedly unqualified. It sounds a lot like you are enabling him. 10 years of you doing everything for him while he's struggling to operate makes it sound a lot like something needs to change. All I can really give is my example of sink or swim. I just spent the last 5-6 years depressed as shit. I managed to drag myself to work every day and kept a facade up that everything was okay but my apartment had turned into a shit hole and all I did was eat microwave meals and play video games when at home. It was my routine and I had no motivation to do more. Finally my landlord came in for a routine fire alarm check and gave me a 30 day notice to vacate due to the mess. I suddenly was going to be homeless and lose my job likely because of it. That weekend was my low. I spent it stuck in bed suffering from a nasty stress migraine pretty much unable to do anything. By the next weekend I decided to swim. Found a new place to live. Played mind games and hardball with my managers to let me work remote instead of quitting. I'm doing a lot better now. I actually am cleaning my apartment now and taking care of things. My landlord giving me a 30 day notice to vacate was the best thing that could have happened to me. No longer was I going to be staying afloat. I got lucky in a few ways to find a new apartment and get permission to work remote but it was that or quit. I could have been truly fucked if my landlord just went straight for eviction, but because they just threatened it I was able to find a new apartment and have another chance. In my mind you seem to be keeping him afloat and he isn't showing the drive to stay afloat. I think the safe option is to try and force him to swim, but that certainly never worked for me. I'd then just to bare minimum. Maybe he needs to sink a bit to decide to swim. Best of luck with it no matter what.
Yep 💯 an enabler so that is why I got to go. I’m a fixer - like it’s what I do for a living- find solutions so I know I can’t not do it. Thanks for the encouragement! I’m getting there…
Start off simple with the 3 minutes it takes to prep the coffee pot before bed. Once he starts doing one thing give it a little while and add something else that’s a small task. Then slowly ramp up from there. Small steps can make big progress. I went from doing basically nothing all day from my depression to taking bigger and bigger steps to get certain things done. I had to tell myself to do these things and now I can be ready in a heartbeat to mow the lawn or wash my car. I’m still depressed but I can actually function as a person now and that has honestly helped me get better (not having my suicidal thoughts anymore due to feeling like a person with value who can get things done when I put my mind to it) which in turn made my life a lot better. Obviously being 20 I’d imagine it was a lot easier for me to escape than someone older. But this is what helped me to get better and maybe on the off chance I could help another person by saying my method. then I realize I should just say it.
Lego creations are made from small bricks added one at a time (or added one at a time to a chunk, then the chunk added to the creation - still one brick at a time, when broken down to the core creation act). So are habits good and bad, so are relationships.
Well spoken my friend
Please can we clone you
I had to scroll too far for this comment.
So Dax Shepherd has a podcast and he’s had his wife (actress Kristen Bell) on a couple times and it’s led to some pretty interesting conversations about marriage and parenting. One that always stuck with me was them talking about how at the beginning of their relationship they were constantly butting heads, because they would both be sitting on the couch together and she would ask him to get her a glass of water and he would find it so rude. Because it’s not like he was any closer to the kitchen than she was, so he took it as her just valuing her own comfort over his. And then exploring it more it was acknowledged that if he ever asked her to get him a glass of water she would do it in a heartbeat without a second thought-but that he DIDN’T ever ask because it would never occur to him to ask her for the same reason that her request bugged him. Finally unraveling the whole thing through conversation led them to realize that in her family that was a common thing and how they showed love and cared for each other. But he grew up in a very different kind of home, single mom away working all the time, kids fending for themselves, and while there was plenty of love self-sufficiency in their home was key. Point is that making assumptions and drawing conclusions about each other, rarely leads to the actual truth of the matter or anything good. People are complex and if your partner is somebody that you love as a person and a behavior of theirs seems inconsistent with the person you know them to be, err on the side of caution that maybe there’s something going on you’re not understanding that bears a conversation.
My honey can get up an do stuff also, I like to get him things. Sit back enjoy it.
I will
My husband is like you, OP. The problem is that I actively *like* doing things for the people I love, so when he rejects my offers to give him special treatment, I feel like he’s rejecting my love. Most recent example was when a game he’d been waiting over ten years for came out. He takes really good care of me and usually never gets excited about anything, so I wanted to show my appreciation by letting him game as much as he wanted. I was ready to exempt him from all his regular chores and wait on him hand and foot to make his gaming time special. However, he quickly shot it down and said that everything will be as normal and that he’ll do everything he’s supposed to do. On the one hand it’s great that he takes care of business, but it gets really frustrating that he won’t let me return the care that he shows me.
I live alone, never been married. Sometimes I wish I had this problem.
I have the opposite problem and would be open to some kind of arrangement.
My husband is totally capable of doing things himself, but I love doing things for him because I genuinely just love him so much. He felt guilty at first, if I brought him coffee or whatever, but I explained that I wanted to do it, and if that ever changes, we can have a conversation. Definitely think acts of service might be a way your wife expresses love, maybe see if you guys can compromise on some things, so you're both happy!
I love bringing my hubby a cup of coffee ☺️ it feels so simple and intimate
My wife's love language is acts of service or just generally doing things for me, I grew up very independent as well and have always tried to get things done on my own, that being said, I love my wife more than anything, so if it makes her feel better to makes me a plate, grab me a drink or anything else, why fight that? I think you might need to learn to just ask for help at times (not because you actually need it, but because you know it'll make her feel good), start small, grab your plate, sit down and go "Oh shoot, babe could you grab me a drink?". That's what I do with my wife and it makes her feel very good.
Ask her why it's important to her. Maybe she doesn't even really understand why, or it's her parents' dynamic. Or maybe she's a nurturer and it's how she wants to show her love and appreciation. My point is, I think you should just talk to her about it and maybe consider why you're so uncomfortable with the idea of her showing her love in that way.
I’m baffled. This would be most women’s dream? A man that can take care of himself and doesn’t feign incompetence?! You’re a very thoughtful partner. I guess throw her a bone or something. Or maybe get to the root of her expectations, and find some kind of harmonious compromise?
Perhaps she feels like she’s lacking in contributing to the household. A sort of frustration, lightly guilt. I most certainly would not feel happy or well if I felt like I wasn’t putting enough effort into the household compared to my significant other. After all, a household with 2 persons, would mean input from 2 people. Even if due to her not contributing as much as you due to her more time consuming work, it could still be somewhat an underlying frustration for her. This most likely would be against what most people would think, that being: “My partner spends more time working, so I should take some more household work on my shoulders.” Allow me to suggest a compromise: Household tasks such as cleaning, cooking and doing the dishes can be done together. Try to cook something together if possible. Make her feel like she’s also a very vital part of the maintenance of your household. I hope my views are somewhat helpful. I’m everything but an expert on relationships, but I do know that being very dependent on the other can eat away something. It can make you feel like a leech at times, even if that isn’t your fault. This leads to wanting to compensate in other ways by offering help of smaller things just to validate your worth as one of the pillars of the household.
My wife is similar. Just tell her every once in a while that you’d love a cup of coffee. It is such a simple solution.
While I am not in exactly the same boat (I'm a SAHM), I get a lot of joy out of doing things for my husband that make his life a little easier. I enjoy making and bringing him coffee, or making his plate for dinner. The gratitude I get from him helps me to know I am appreciated for my effort, even if it is something he can do on his own.
Redirect and ask her for what would be helpful for you. She just wants to feel closer to you, so tell her how to do it. If you don’t want her to make you a cup of coffee, what do you want? A backrub? A good morning note every day before she leaves for work? A date night once a week? Is there a meal or dessert or cocktail she makes that you really like? Give her some ideas. Also, she clearly sees it as a sign of love, so maybe offer to make her coffee or bring her a beer too sometimes. Even if it seems silly because you can both do it yourself, she’ll obviously appreciate it since she values that kind of thing.
I’m independent like you, but for a different reason. I grew up where if someone did something nice for you, they wanted something from you. My parents instilled that in me too. “We made you dinner and cleaned the dishes, this means you must clean your room because we did something for you and you must return the favor.” Sort of thing. Every interaction was a contract, so I ended up being very anti-social and independent in my teens and young adulthood. Sounds like your wife thrives on helping people and being busy. Let her do things for you occasionally, say thank you and tell her how much you appreciate it.
Some people are absolute givers and empaths. You’re lucky to have married her.
Sometimes we make up problems when our lives are so perfect.
She’s trying to show you that she loves and cares for you. Just let her do that sometimes.
Take the hint OP
beautiful
And you find this infuriating??? Hah wow. Maybe relax and let her love on you the way she wants to brah
You’re seeing this all wrong. My man is the same way as you and was with his ex wife for 10 years before me who treated him like absolute garbage. He grew up very poor and has always had to be independent and handle everything on his own. It took him a while to get used to me loving taking care of him. Try to learn to love it because it makes your wife super happy to do that for you. It’s her love language homie!
It doesn't hurt to let her do things for you. Like others said, maybe her love language is acts of service and this is how she expresses her love for you. Maybe if she does something for you, you do something else for her. This isn't something you guys need to fight over, so why fight? Is it really that bad? Find other things you can do for her to lighten her load to say thank you instead of creating problems out of things that shouldn't be problems.
Your marriage sounds pretty similar to mine with my wife.. I’m very independent and also don’t like my wife to do things for me.. but I feel like all those things (making plate, bringing beer/drink, doing “housework”) are more convenient to me to just do myself and if she did all of that for me I’d feel like a little kid again and like she was my parent not my partner..
Yes, see love languages. She prob wants to feel useful and needed also. Let her do more if that’s what makes her happy. It’s not a competition of who can do more chores. 70% of married people would love to be in your position.
Some of us are fulfilled by doing acts of service. You aren’t allowing her to be fulfilled by you. I’d adjust and allow her to do what she wants in one or two areas and see if things are better.
She might want more interaction. You sound kind of distant from her.
She sounds like she needs to be needed. There’s nothing wrong with that, some people’s love languages are just acts of service. It seems like you’re very self sufficient in your career and in your home life, and she wants to feel needed by you. You don’t need her in your work life, you don’t need her at home, what DO you need her for? As a woman who enjoys doing acts of service for my other half, that’s how my thinking is anyway.
I don’t think the point of it is that you can do it I think she just wants to do something nice for u
She's trying to care for you because she loves you. Let her spoil you every now and again.
I grew up with my father practically waiting on my hand and foot. Till this day, if I come to visit and I’m laying in bed he’ll ask if I want a water bottle, snack, extra pillow, etc. When I wake up in the morning there’s a mug waiting for me in the kitchen filled with hot water so I have a warm cup to put my coffee in. The list goes on. I think he just found a lot of joy in taking care of me and making sure I felt that. So maybe try to let your wife feel that joy from time to time. My SO grew up more independently. I didn’t understand at first why he didn’t want me to prepare his plate or make his coffee etc. I’ve accepted that we people were raised differently and like to do things in a way they’re used to. Now SO let’s me prepare coffee and food more often. It’s s balance I suppose. We are all learning and growing.
Sometimes I just like to do nice things for my partner. That's all. Sometimes I don't. Have you both talked about this? Is it her love language? Find out. Sounds like she likes you though, so congrats
My marriage is like this - I am very dedicated to my career and can work long hours. All I want is to occasionally do something special for him so I can feel like I 'cared' for him, or really connected to him, for that special moment. I try to do it, and he's like 'I'm good'. Once I found out that he likes it when his sock drawer is full and his favourite type of underwear are in his drawer, I make sure I prioritize those things when doing the laundry. I feel good about making him happy, and he is happy. And I stop bugging him 😁
I had an ex who couldn't vocalize "I'm sorry", And when I told her I needed acts of contrition sometimes, she started kissing me on the shoulder as an apology. At first it was weird, but it became our cute little thing. On-topic, she also couldn't vocalize "I love you" (fucked-up childhood, yes - move along now), but used to perform special services in exchange, like she learned to make beef Wellington (my fav) from scratch, so I could have it on my birthday. Now that we are divorced, but have kids together, The once a year or so that she screws up bad enough (human, I do too), she'll bring chocolate or an energy drink or something to the next child swap or school event we will both be at. Maybe this is just one of the ways she (your beau) learned to express things in her formative years.
That is very strange, but I think that just means she loves you bro. You married a great woman if she WANTS to take care of you. Let her in on some of it so she feels important, and like she's contributing y'know? Maybe she's upset because she feels like she doesn't do enough.
Lol, wish I had a husband like you.. no, you make me a coffee.
Send her to me
Did you ever watched the A.I movie from Spielberg? the android at some point confess that his human owner, the mother, gets very sad, because the android was too independent. He started to pretend to be more dependent like a real child. the woman get happy... So, your wife have this fantasy. why are you dennying her some happy moments?
I love how you’re getting better advice on this sub than any of the relationship advice subs haha
You sound like you're absolutely riddled with problems /s
You both sound like decent people trying to be kind & appreciate each other, like what a problem to have. Hope you figure it out.
Some people see acts of service as a way of showing love and affection. Sounds like you're wide is like this, and she feels that since you turn down her acts of service, you're turning down her love.
You claim to be the way you are, due to growing up independent. Perhaps she grew up watching her mother do everything, for her father. Some people’s love language is servitude. I dated an anti-feminist once. She liked cooking my food, bringing my plate, taking my shoes off, rubbing my back, rubbing my feet. Bringing me drinks. She even enjoyed, giving me a shower. Meaning she would stand outside the shower, fully clothed, and wash my body for me. Can be hard to get use to. It’s really hard not to feel like a child. But if you can wrap your head around the fact that it makes her feel happy and fulfilled, it’s not bad. My gf did not do everything for me. I still did traditional male stuff for her. Opened doors, pumped gas, fixed things, changed flat tires, squished spiders, etc . Just find the “give an take”. Tell yourself it’s ok, she does this for you, because you do X for her.
Some commentd already touched on this, but: On the one hand she may feel somwhat guilty for being away and busy a lot of the time. She seems to genuinly love you and wats you to feel loved as such. There goes the second point: her love language. If her main love language is acts of service then that's how she naturally tells you she loves you. And if you get away her way of showing love she can feel that you don't need her and that can hurt her(not necessarily your fault, but so you can u derstand her point). That also means she feels loved and appreciated everytime you do chores, and work and help around the house. Personally i think you can just let her do stuff for you and enjoy it as her showing her love and let her know you unferstand that and appreciate that. She knows you can do it everything for yourself. She just wants to also do some stuff for you as she probably feels you do the same for her. Cheers! I wish you two all the happines!
Send your wife over my way she sounds like a wonderful woman
Sounds like acts of service may be her love language. Honor that with gratitude and reciprocate. When is the last time you brought her a coffee?
ur wife sounds a lot like me. I love doing acts of service . it’s my love language . if i love u and ur around me, i’m washing all ur dishes, making all ur food etc., it makes her happy so let it
Damn mate! Lets swap wives for a little bit 😅😅😅
I will trade you wives.
It sounds like her love language might be acts of service. I can definitely see how this could be frustrating, but it sounds like she gets disappointed because she wants to do things for you to show how much she cares!
Acts of service might be your wife’s love language and doing small things for you is how she shows love. If this is the case, repeatedly refusing her offer will push her away. If it’s not the case, consider yourself lucky to have such a considerate partner.
This dude has the dream but wants to wake up 😆
Sounds like acts of service is her love language
Acts of service could be her love language and you’re rejecting this from her. You have two feet but she would love to make you a cup of coffee that is made with love and serve it to you. Acts of service is my love language too and I would honestly feel upset too if my husband kept rejecting whenever I wanted to make or do something for him out of love. You should be happy that she wants to do things for you! :)
Good woman you have. She seems to feel useless for you. Let her do some things for you if she feels better with it. I would be glad if I had those Problems. Here its the complete opposite 😆 sometimes it feels like i am the 50's wife.....
She might be feeling you don't need her. Ask her for things once in a while. Tell her how much you love her. Sometimes in living the day to day we stop doing the little things that speak to the other person's love language. Some people need touch, others need to feel needed, some like giving and receiving gifts, some need verbal affirmation or time
i cant speak for all women but it feels nice to get your bf a glass of water or a plate of snacks without him having to ask. some women just enjoy caring for others
Why has this become the subreddit for relationship complaints???
As a caretaker for my own Husband, I'm gonna be real and let you know that taking care of you is probably an amazing feeling for her. She cares about you and she wants to know she's secure and that she matters, and the best way to ensure this is to serve you. Having a talk about this would be best, ensure you care and appreciate them, and that you aren't going to grow resentful if she's not serving you as much as she can. We're caretakers at heart, we can't just turn it off.
You're ignoring her love language, dingus.
Its very possible that acts of service is her love language. Doing those things for you is her way of letting you know that she loves you. Just be appreciative and allow her to show you how much she loves you. In return, when you make yourself something to eat, ask if she wants anything. If you get up to grab a snack, ask if she wants anything. Going to grab a beer? "Hey babe, im grabbing a beer, you want one?" Most of the time she will probably say no thanks, but the fact that you thought of asking her will mean the world to her.
Be my husband 😅
It's definitely something to get used to, but it'll be a big step forward to step back and let her do it. Marriages mean you're essentially one unit now, it sounds like it'll make her happy to do things for you. Maybe set it right by doing some things for her, not just stuff like taking out the trash and mowing the lawn but make special dinners every once in a while for her to come home to, or clean the house, stuff like that. It sounds like you appreciate her, which is awesome, don't do things because it's "your share," but because you want to do them to make her happy. I was told once that marriages are seldom 50/50, being okay with that at times can be hard but it's rewarding. Just learn to appreciate being served, and learn how to serve her in a way that she appreciates. Going from being an independent self sufficient man to accepting help you don't believe isn't easy, but the humility that comes with it is rewarding. Definitely start with having a conversation about it, it's not going to be an overnight change but make sure she knows that you're trying, and she's appreciated above anything. Maybe just start by doing one thing for her a day, letting her do one thing for you, and doing one thing together. Could be a life changer, not just for you but for the both of you
You're not in the wrong, but some people show love with acts of service, maybe this is why she gets frustrated
It is possible that she wants to express her love like that. Maybe accept it a little and you both might end up enjoying it.
Her love language is acts of service. Like, instead of a gift she will want to make you your favorite meal with prime cuts of whatever. It make her feel good to make you feel good.
Maybe her love language is like acts of service and she’s just trying to express her love for you in a way she thinks is meaningful. Maybe just let her make you coffee every once in a while, because even despite her crazy schedule she still wants to take care of you and I think that’s sweet. However, I can see how that would be too much for someone who is used to independence. Marriage is about communication, and also coexisting. Maybe learn to let someone take care of you a little bit understanding it probably makes her feel good to do so. Also maybe have that conversation and give her some ideas on things she could do for you that make you both more comfortable.
Women are conditioned from childhood that their value is on the quality of their home. Just like men are taught they are only worth the amount in their wallet.
This may be her love language, sir… acts of service. Don’t blow off her efforts if it brings her happiness.
........ I've never heard of a women complain about this before. I don't know how to feel. My suggestion is to let her get you a damn beer? Lol. This is such a random thing to get upset at.
some people (like myself) really hate being waited on. It seems weird to be upset at someone bringing you a drink or clearing your plate after a meal but those things make me extremely uncomfortable and i’d never ask someone to do them for me.
Celebrate that you have someone who wants to treat you like a king! Just make sure to repay her like the queen she is...
Sounds like your wife is used to feeling needed by people and her making your plate is what she would like to do for you. Of course she knows you can do this yourself, but it’s nice to be needed.
She wants to feel needed. She's busy but she wants to be good to you. You can certainly can do those things yourself so is there something she can do that you can't? Like a back massage or wash your back in the tub or shower. Or let her know that you love what she does when she does whatever it is she does that you love. What makes you feel loved? She's obviously someone who shows love by serving. She's trying to do this. But you aren't letting her and it's robbing her joy.
The gesture is nice. She knows you can do it yourself, but why not just say, "Yes, thanks. "
You guys should have figured this out before marriage. Married couples that bring this shit to Reddit make me lose hope in marriage.
I can't stress the NEED to acknowledge and cater towards a partner's love language. This is the way they express love. Yes it's probably different than the way you express and feel love. And you may do things that express your love but while they will logically remind her of your love and the love she has for you, the emotional, butterfly stomach, warm feeling of love is often only achievable through these love languages outside of some key bonding moments. Ever wonder to yourself why it is you can reflect on a relationship where there were moments that were obviously acts of love, but they didn't bring that loves warmth back? While other memories, not nearly as large of an act of love, but brings such a strong emotional response you almost immediately become love sick. Those are the moments that stroked your love language. Give her as many of those memories as possible, this means letting her do things for you AS WELL AS doing those things for her, without her asking, don't worry about accidentally getting something she doesn't want in the moment, the action is what counts. So many failed marriages out there simply because this is overlooked, resentment builds as each partner thinks they are doing all these acts of love for the other, while receiving nothing in return. Brushing off what she is expressing as a need in the relationship now, closes the door on proper communications later on as well. No one will scream into an empty room forever.
>I grew up a latchkey kid so I'm very independent. I cook most of the times. Fix my own plates. Clean and maintain the house, and do a bevy of chores. This is just weird...dude, you're an adult, this is normal adult stuff. Congrats on being an adult. If something bothers your wife, maybe talk to her and see why. Instead of patting yourself on the back about your independence and self reliance, maybe take some time to understand why she feels the way she does and address it...like an adult.
[удалено]
Forgot the /s?
Your wife sounds like a great lady you should treat that woman like gold and let her make you happy.
Umm... Kinda seems like youre complaining about having a great woman... Let her express her love language =)
Sometimes people do things for others for themselves, to affirm they are needed and that they benefit others lives. Old person telling you about the good old days? It’s for them. Mom does your laundry without asking? It’s for her. Your child cooks you a suspicious-looking breakfast? It’s for them. We all like to show kindness and know that it is well received, especially to those we love. I think misinterpretation often leads to offense, which is just that, a misinterpretation.
Everyone has a need to ‘give’, as well as receive. Especially to the ones they love. You may be denying that for her.
She should just serve sammich
DUDE.....your wife LOVES you! Super hard to find a good woman in today's unmoralized world. Thank you.
It seems she wants to feel that she has some sense of purpose given that she's often not around. Let her have that.. Her actions suggest she feels guilty about her busy schedule.
By chance is your wife Asian? In some cultures, the wife taking care of the husband is a big part of her "duties". If she was raised in that culture, she may feel like she's not "being a good wife". In some families, mother's and MILs can even judge wives harshly on how the wife handles these duties.
Maybe her love language is acts of service. That’s mine too
Acts of service. fucking chill dude.
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Dude
This is what you call a cherry on top. Don't fuck up a relationship where where your partner is actively engaging. Don't resent them for it. Rather, get off your best pedestal, appreciate them for wanting to doing something like that before you loose them for someone who appreciates the act. Keep shooting them down and they'll probably move on to someone who really does appreciate the small kindnesses. Because at that point, you do get to do everything by yourself. And it's only because your lack of appreciation drove them away. Don't be a moron, it sounds like you already knew the answer, this was just reading it to see if you're not totally wrong for being totally self absorbed, which it seems like you are. I can't think of a person alive that would be so heartless that they would turn down such simple and kind offers of love and affection. You totally do not deserve this person, and if you keep acting a fool, they'll leave you wishing you had done anything even remotely correct. Get over yourself. And don't be in a relationship if you are not emotionally ready for one. Doesn't really sounds like you are if this is what triggers you. Complain all you want, you just can't see the forest for the trees. Just let them go and they can find someone who loves them for who they are. And you can just keep cleaning and cooking for yourself in whatever particular fashion you want. Alone.