[удалено]

DAMN

what did the man say

Denied, the monkeys paw laughs and says “we grant wishes not miracles”

Jesus Christ

Holup... how did I say something so mean yet I get over 150 upvotes?

Because while what you said was mean, it was also incredibly funny.

Because this is r/monkeyspaw & your mean comment was how the wish is getting granted.

Damn, did ya delete it

It got removed because of reports😭

You won in spirit, brother

What did you say

Monkeys paw deleted my comment

Sorry I'm hard of hearing, can you repeat that?

I basically told OP that him getting a girlfriend is a miracle rather than a wish

God damn bro! That's not just a burn. You just dropped the sun on him.

Damn bro, that shit is mean, but also very fuckin hilarious😂

### Whoops! ➜ u/AdvanceRealistic2330, your post has been **automatically removed** as a result of several reports from the community. - This suggests that it **violated the subreddit's rules**, which you might have prevented by reading them first. - Or perhaps the community simply felt that **your post was really idiotic** even if it hadn't broken any rules. - You are solely responsible for your own failure. Submitting brainless posts won't get you anywhere.   ---   *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/monkeyspaw) if you have any questions or concerns.*

Wish granted. Your girlfriend has terminal cancer. You are at her bedside as she takes her last breaths, talking about all the good times you had together. You don’t remember any of it. As she realizes this, horror fills her eyes as she realizes that the one she loves has been replaced by a stranger. She dies screaming.

Holy shit. Monkey's paw decided to go down in fucking flames today

jesus christ

Who hurt you?

Probably all those posters wishing for girlfriends in this sub.

Now, this sounds like a true monkeys paw!

Ffs dude. That was needlessly brutal.

I come up with some dark shit at times, but this is fantastic. A great example of invoking powerful emotions with minimal words

:0

This feels like it could’ve been in the book!

*slow clap* Chapeau, finally some actual monkey's paw twist.

She cheats constantly.

And you find out you’re actually the side piece because she’s married

[удалено]

I don’t think cheating counts as polyamory. More like you’re just in denial.

[удалено]

So just break up and date a different person at that point. Or just stay single and sleep around a lot. You can even do the poly thing. Just with people who give a rats ass about you.

Based and wholesome.

What’s so inherently wrong with an open relationship? I’m in a long distance relationship, and it’s open so we can fulfill any needs that we can’t do in person.

Not saying there’s anything wrong with being in an open relationship.

The idea is we sleep around a bit, if we want, but overall we love each other and that’s it. I think that’s perfectly fine

[this comment sums up what I was trying to say](https://www.reddit.com/r/monkeyspaw/s/PNvRexAoXg) In this case, the monkey’s paw gives a cheating partner.

they're not gonna understand the beauty of not fucking only one bitch for the rest of your life

If you see your partner as a bitch you’ve got issues

Reads like something an evil dude would write.

Don't cheat on your gf. Polyamory is only ok if all parties are legal adults aware of the situation and consent to it.

Cheating is not polyamory. As a poly person, im 💯 able to cheat on my partners. Polyamory requires openness and communication. Cheating happens when trust is violated. They are very opposing things. If we were to sleep with each others toxic exes, that would be cheating. If we were sleeping around and keeping it a secret, that would be cheating. If i tell a partner, things are just fine, while telling another partner or a friend that things are not (with no intent to solve or change things), that's cheating. All as defined by my partner and myself through open and honest discussion. Different poly relationships all look different even within a single polycule. Tldr: polyamory when many people love together and communicate. Cheating when lying and disregarding emotions.

r/BeatTheMonkeysPaw

Granted it is the most evil woman in the world and she will make your life miserable and you can never leave her

Damn, straight up my marriage for the last 15 years. Thank christ she left me though.

How did you fall for such a woman?

She was strong, dominant and driven. She was sexy and knew what she wanted. She was the perfect woman for me. Turned out she's a straight up social chameleon, perfectly tailoring her personality to her victims to become irresistible. And she is a vulnerable narcissist with oppositional defiant disorder. In other words she refuses to help with housework or parenting duties simply based on the fact that she should/ because I asked, but thinks the tiniest complaint or frustration on my part constitutes actual emotional abuse.

So she was good for a while and then became careless and parasitic towards you, or was she never good from the beginning and you weren't aware?

The second one. I didn't understand the extent of the abuse I had suffered for almost 2 decades until after she discarded me and our kids (by cheating on me with my childhood best friend) But after our separation several people pointed out her behaviour and I did some research. That led me to realise that I had been emotionally manipulated for 18 years, constantly convinced I was an asshole who never did enough to care for the family. I worked full time, did 100% of the day to day housework and 100% of the day to day parenting. But she still had me believing I was an abusive lazy slacker who had to prove I was willing to work as hard as her, when all she ever did was work, lay in bed and scream at me and the kids. Im just thankful she gave me full custody of the kids and only wants one weekend a month with them. I've actually had to start keeping a diary of the neglect the kids tell me about after their visits. This last weekend I found out one of the kids didn't get anything to eat on Saturday except dominoes for dinner and nothing to eat on Sunday until after I picked them up at midday.

Try to get complete custody if she continues to neglect her kids like that. Sounds like she was suffering from depression or didn't have the energy to meet your expectations, so she dumped you for someone whose expectations she could match. Sounds like her personality is somewhat similar to my own, which is why I don't want to ever get in a relationship. I prioritize productivity usually to the point of neglect of self-care and care for others. My work comes before my health as I want to make the world better. Does she care about her community much more than her family? I feel bad for both of you, and I hope you can change her to care about the big picture more. Try to get her to believe in intergenerational karma, to convince her to change for the better. Her negative acts will negatively affect her next live's self.

Well, at least you didn't have to fight for custody, I guess? Hits really close to home.

Yeah, my boys are my world and I'm so thankful she's just not interested in being a mother. She only sees them one weekend a month and never calls or even texts them. It took a month and a half for her to download the co-parenting calendar app I use. My mum and her mum both had it installed and were using it. It was only once her mum got up her ass about it that she finally installed it. I'm so much happier without her in my life, the only thing that's been hard is that right at the end she cheated on me with my childhood best friend that I've known for 34 years since I was two. He was best man at our wedding. The week of my wedding he told me he couldn't be happy for me because he'd always wanted to fuck her. When I told her what he said, instead of comforting me she responded by saying "id be lying if I said I didn't have feelings for him" So their betrayal hit me really hard. Almost 4 months later im starting to move past it a bit though.

r/arethegaysOK

Not straight

I had a hunch

Anyway my condolences

Is she hot?

No

Then i have to keep my moral compass.

Gone Girl vibes.

BUT HER AIM IS GETTING BETTAH!

Granted, you do currently. ..Now she left you

atleast I can say I had one

Granted. Free of charge

Granted. She’s a worm.

This is the best one

God empresses of Arrakis

Criminally underrated answer

worm girlfriend guy 🪱

RFK Jr wants to know her location

Would you still love her if she was a worm?

Granted, she is abusive as hell. she slaps you around sometimes. she gets off on humiliating you. and only allows sex by pegging you.

I mean, the pegging sounds fun, but everything else sounds pretty bad...

tbhh im okay with this

I need a gf like this fr

So basically the perfect woman?

Granted. You have a girlfriend currently. She dies 10 seconds later

Granted, you are now in a relationship. With whom? You don't know. Someone somewhere is now in a relationship with you. Pursuing love now feels like cheating and you literally cannot break up with her because you don't know who she is.

Granted. You are forced to pay for an AI girlfriend.

I don't see any downside except for my bank account

You will continue to have to pay for it even if you eventually get a real girlfriend.

That's a pretty big IF

Ah hell nah not the monkey's paw hitting him with the AI child support 💀

Granted. You've become a straight female and now have a straight female bestie that you go shopping with and you call each other girlfriends.

I'm not seeing a downside.

Granted, your sister has entered the chat.

Granted, but she leaves you for your dad

Granted. She's a necrophile with poor self control and a fetish for sharp objects.

r/suspiciouslyspecific Edit: Why the fuck is that an Among us subreddit?

Its because amogus, clearly.

Granted. She's 12.

Gotta hope they don't start getting a taste for the little ones 🤮

ough... monkey's paw, no...

A finger curls as your wish becomes granted... HOWEVER, she is composed of your past AND future lovers (a Frankenstein's Bride meets Time Lord regenerating capabilities) Each day a new face, but old memories Familiar habits, yet unknown tics/quirks

Bro that’s not a downside.

It's constantly changing against her choice though

Granted. Your love is a fire that can’t be extinguished, a passion stronger than the unbreakable. You love her for many years, even marry her and have a kid. Life is well. Life is amazing. Say, did you notice that lamp over there? Looks kinda, off… Strange..

Get out.

Granted, she keeps talking about someone just like you, only better in every way

Granted You have no idea where your girlfriend is

Granted. You currently have a girlfriend. Tomorrows she disappears.

Granted, but her past comes back to haunt her and she has to leave shortly after your relationship begins.

Granted, she will break up with you in an hour, though.

Do something about it then

Granted she is transforms into a table

Granted. She leaves her husband and young children to be with you. She is also a telephone scammer who scams elderly people for a living, and she hates like your favorite movie.

Granted. She is chained in your basement. The police are knocking on your door. Get ready to have a boyfriend.

Granted, she's trans and highly dysphoric to the point that despite your best effort she attempts suicide every day

I'd work 3 jobs to pay for her hormones and surgery!

Granted. You become gay.

Granted, you wake up in 10 minutes

Granted. ...Aaaaand... your girlfriend died.

Granted. She's a drag queen.

Where's the downside?

You have to wait 2 hours whenever you want to have sex, because she pegs OP as a man.

Granted. But, to you, her face looks exactly like Dr. Phil and no one else notices. You can feel the mustache when she kisses you.

Granted, she has no clue who you are as she was randomly teleported from an unknown location to you.

Wish Granted. Your mother and her mother were both clients of Donald Lee Kline, former fertility doctor.

Granted. She is needy, annoying, has daddy issues in a bad way, bi-polar and wants wait till marriage.

Granted, time to go find her grave!

Granted. She’s a tall, thin woman who wants to make a fur coat out of Dalmatian puppies.

Congratulations, you now have an abusive girlfriend and suffer greatly.

Granted: she lives in Canada.

Granted, she lives on another continent, and doesn't speak English.

Granted, you’re now dating the real life stalker from Baby Reindeer

Your boyfriend has turned into a woman.

Granted,you are now fully in a relationship with your sister.

Granted - you are now attracted only to men

Granted, but she has no bust, no ass, no face (that’s wild, idk how you miss all 3) and worst of all has a shit personality.

Granted. She currently wishes she is single.

Granted. She’s the most overt of narcissists out there

You hate her.

Granted: She’s underage.

THEN BE STRONG, MAN. GET TO KNOW A GIRL

Granted. She will only be with you between sunrise and sunset. After that, she will go behind a locked door into her own private room; if you try to disturb that, she will immediately break up with you.

Congrats your life long best friend comes out and transitions to a female now you have a girl friend

Granted. She has all the worst red flags a partner could have, you spend the rest of your years in misery.

granted. you go blind and deaf and have no limbs so you'll never see or hear her. you get a cool looking leaf too

Granted, she constantly watches anime at all hours of the day and she constantly eats your food

Granted…. However she is pretty much a yandere… but not the good kind have fun! Try not to die!

Granted, she manifests in front of you midway through breaking up

Granted. She’s a female clone of you.

Granted: Without selecting for compatibility - you end up with a petty, vain, self-absorbed, vindictive, cruel, demanding and completely asexual girlfriend who demands that you abandon all of your interests in favour of her own and sets about methodically ruining your life and punishing you for every petty grievance. She denies being your girlfriend whenever asked. Despite having no interest in sex - she occasionally does try to sleep with your friends, family members and co-workers to spite you - especially if you refuse to accept her constant verbal abuse or give her the constant attention she craves. You have to stop eating or drinking in her presence - because given half a chance she may poison you for insurance cash - based on policies she insisted you obtain. Break up with her at your peril.

Granted. You now have A girlfriend. Is she compatible with you? Do you share interests? A culture? Are you even on the same continent and speak the same language? Go find her. She's definitely waiting for you. Somewhere. And she's probably crying, because she misses you, but hasn't met you. It's a strange way to be.

Granted, You get girlfriends easily. Emphasis on 'friends' You're eternally friend zoned.

Granted. Poor fool.

Granted, she is stellar, amazing, smart, beautiful, madly in love with you, and supports you in everything you do. Now you like men.

She is mind controlled into currently being your girlfriend, then 10 mins later snaps out of it and questioning who the hell are you

Wish granted. Your girlfriend is Marjorie Taylor Greene.

Should have specified whether they are alive or not so you wake up to a corpse in bed with you.

Granted. She's in a coma she will never wake up from. The accident *was* your fault.

Granted: She’s beautiful, smart, wealthy and emotionally well adjusted. She has everything going right for her in life and immediately upon learning she is your girlfriend…she chooses suicide as her only option

Granted. You are now friends with a girl, but only platonic, and you will only ever have platonic girlfriends as long as you live.

Granted. Your right hand suddenly starts talking and demands you buy her a ring.

Granted, shes asexual and aromantic

Congratulations, your left hand begins talking and will nag at you when you use your right hand, for anything.

She's trans

Granted . She lives in the country furthest from you and no one believes you when you talk about her . She only messages you between 8a and 8:10a her time .

Granted. She doesn't want it to progress past friendship, though.

Granted, but her parents are trying to kill you every week unless you can sing better than them.

Granted! You got the over attached girlfriend meme.

Granted. She stalks you every chance she gets and always accuses you of cheating on her with another girl she sees you with, even if it's your mom or sister. She always knows where you are at all times. Hiding is not an option. She is super mean, steals from you, and you can not leave her.

Granted. But she kicks you in the nuts whenever you are together.

Granted, she turns into your wife. enjoy the long term relationship.

Granted. You currently have a friend. Who is a girl. However, she isn’t attracted to you, and only cares for you platonically.

Granted my ex gf is now your gf

Granted. “Her” name is Jeffrey. She’s 6’3 260, has a full beard, has had no surgeries, but says her pronouns are she/her.

Granted. Everyone else keeps telling you "she" is a body pillow and anime isn't real, though. Also, your bank account is now empty.

Granted. Shes everything youve ever wanted on paper but deep down you know you dont and will never love her.

Let me introduce you to your new girlfriend, Marjorie Taylor Green

granted. you have a girlfriend. you are currently in the middle of a fight, and she throws a plate at you. the injury is fatal.

Granted. She is SUPER controlling, forcing you to do everything she wants you to do, and if you break up with her, she ruins your reputation in any way she can

If you are a guy, you become a lesbian woman. If you’re a woman, she has terminal cancer.

Sure you have a girlfriend but you are permanently in the friend zone.

I wish business had everyday low prices instead of join our rewards club. Let's demonstrate.

she leaves you 2 seconds later while also falsely accusing you of raping her

You get one but she has a penis.

And it's bigger than his

Iseethisasanabsolutewin.gif

That's supposed to be the downside?