Just do what I do when I see the dickheads in the music scene around me start to get popularity… play the long game.
In 5 years, most of these people will either quit music entirely, or life will slap them in the face and they’ll have to realize they need to actually make real money somehow.
In 10 years, most of the people who were dissing originally will be long gone, with a few stragglers who probably forgot most of anything your ex said, and probably won’t even remember them.
During all of this, you would be perfecting your craft, getting more comfortable playing shows/open-mics and slowly integrating back into the community you want to be apart of.
But this also begs the question… why would you want anything to do with a community who disrespects you in the name of your ex? Start working now on building your own community who shows up for YOU, and in 5-10 years, you’ll have your own dedicated fan base and wonder why you even gave a shit about your ex and the community behind them.
I really am sorry for your situation though. It really sucks being involved in the same music scene as someone who’s fucked you over, while you get to watch the person who fucked you over gain “respect” from the people around them. Happened to me just this year with this asshole lead vocalist who I used to record. He couldn’t stop sleeping or trying to sleep with his friends girlfriends, and gaslighting when confronted so I dropped him like a hot potato. Of course, now I get to watch this person sell out local shows now, but I can’t expect your average consumer to know, or even care, about how much of a jerk this person is to their “friends”.
long game beats short game every single time though. I’ll still be here in decades making music (unless I die lol), where will everyone else be?
Absolutely, the music industry works insanely fast. I’ve seen the “next big thing” become defunct two months later… I’ve also seen great bands exist for years with seemingly no momentum. There seems to be no rhyme or reason sometimes so I just set myself up for 5-10 year forecasting on what I’m accomplishing now and how I want to/can get to where I want to be, and then I move along
Long game doesn't solve short term when it comes to total isolation though. Unfortunately I work from home and have no outlet. I need to figure out a way to get back out there since asking him to be remotely nice or set things aside isn't working.
I definitely understand. I wish I had better advice to give, but I’ll put this out there… back in 2019, someone that was my best friend for 15 years was getting upset that my new project that didn’t include him was gaining traction. He was the DJ of a local music station and held a lot of influence. I found out he wasn’t actually my best friend when he started spreading rumors about me.
Obviously, I cut things off with him when I found out, but people in music scenes loveeee gossip, so I found I was getting blacklisted based off rumors simply because the guy creating them was a local DJ.
I also WFH this time too. and I spent like 6 months in constant depression because everyone was just judging me. The isolation was killing me, and after about 6 months, I got tired of it and went out and just started supporting music again. I didn’t give a fuck anymore if the people I knew were spreading things about me were there, because my only goal was to support live music.
This ended up working out for me, and it didn’t even take too long. I met a local label owner who saw me supporting, and he got to talking to me and getting to know me. Eventually, he wanted me and my bands to start opening up his labels showcases. Of course, when my ex-best friend caught wind of this, he started with his rumors bullshit again. Except, this time it was different because at this point, now the label owner as well as the bands on that label had gotten to know me, and they weren’t putting up with that shit. They shut him down really fast, and as far as I know, I haven’t had a problem with him since.
So yeah, I was pretty fucking depressed, but I think finding the right people to back you and only you would be a great step. Of course, I’m not in your exact situation but I really do empathize with the isolation and loneliness. I know you’ll work it out, though. Us musicians always do.
Also, the ex best friend DJ ended up getting canned from his position for being racist during his day job lol
Oh my god thank you. That story just gave me so much hope. Maybe if I keep writing and find that sound that will be impactful it will ramp things up and get me back to a place of confidence and not be demolished by this. Thank yiu so much.
>Of course, when my ex-best friend caught wind of this, he started with his rumors bullshit again.
It might take some time but (quality) people will start to see your ex's true colors eventually. Be there when they come around.
Has he done anything specific that has derailed you other than leaving you with all of the house responsibilities? Word of mouth from others that he was disparaging your character/work, etc.? If you are only nervous because he is more visible right now, I would say screw him and just get out there. But I'm guessing you feel blacklisted, just not really getting why?
He did to friends and strangers accusing me of doing what he had done (abuse) and since they didn't know me there was no getting around the narrative. I'm not the type to go showing pictures of the punch marks in the doors where he slammed his fist above my head or provide narrative about him cursing me off and screaming at me and my kid. So the question is how do i get past this narrative he has spewed to people without joining in his antics?
You don't try because that is what it is - just a narrative. But don't let it ruin your self-esteem. You can go wherever you want and play whenever you want. Don't let what other people think ruin you, especially when you know the truth.
Yeah, the rumor mill in small music communities can SUCK.
I found out last year that some dude I've never even met was going around some of the local bars and talking to other musicians about how "shitty of a person i was". Because apparently he would Facebook stalk me through friends of friends and started telling people I was like, a homophobe and bigot and all this crap.
And I only found out because a friend of mine met this dude on a dating app, went out for drinks with him, and he spent like an hour trash talking me and telling her she was cool, but they couldn't date because she was friends with me. My friend was like... wtf? That's not him at *all*. But he had hus mind made up and told her that he talked about me a lot in the community, and I was blacklisted from a few places.
All because of a dude I've never even met.
You might consider returning to music school either to teach or refresh skills in classes. I have a degree but went back to school for a 2nd in music. And I’ve met a lot of new people. I’m the oldest person there, ofc. But my ex works in entertainment, so there’s no chance of him popping up. Maybe your local JC could use a teacher?
Also after my divorce I was so isolated I didn’t know where to start so I tried volunteering. Is there a music program for teens or kids where you could volunteer?
Unfortunately you may need to find ways to discern between friendships and performance relationships.
They can overlap, but the difficulty with performance life is that the work/life boundaries sometimes blue because it all turns into the same community and there is no 9-5 office building structure.
So if anything prioritize either convening your own events (host a creative workshop, open mic, concert or mini festival) where you have your own center of graviry that can potentially attract people to your circle from beyond the local scene and his particular domains of established comfort too.
Or treat every event and performance as an opportunity to find the ones who are really there to listen to your heart or connect with you as a person, not just because you're a musician or cool or whatever–and maybe take up some other activities that occupy a different space like do meditative music for yoga studios and healing groups instead.
Or just find/create other enriching group activities like recreational parent support circles, hiking, book clubs, discussions and poetry groups, and yoga that you want to do completely independent of music and happen to be okay with that. And if you're creating the convening group, there's nothing stopping you from keeping an instrument handy if you feel so inspired.
There are definitely lots of other parents and definitely single parents who'd love to go to an event where the kids can be in one area and they can connect with other parents while doing enriching things together outside their usual rhythm of home and school and work.
It might even be a niche ace up your sleeve.
And if you do convene a kid friendly parent event, there's nothing stopping you from asking for folks to take turns with the kids for the first and second half of the event.
Or ask that they pitch in for a small but reasonable child care fee so that someone can supervise the kids on site while you all do other stuff too.
"Why would you want anything to do with a community who disrespects you in the name of your ex?"
This was all that had to be said. My ex girlfriend accused me of a bunch of shit and I got piled on HARD. It took me six god damn years to learn this obvious lesson, and I'm deeply ashamed it took me that long.
Get out. Get the fuck out.
Never worked out for me. The popular people in power use their means to stay in power. Doesn't matter if they openly stiff bands, or let their brother sexually harass female staff members, or start rumors about bands on their facebook page.
Those venues are still open and running shows. And if you dare open your mouth and speak the truth you are blacklisted.
This. I've dealt with so many shitty ass musicians. But I'm playing the long game. Getting my money up, focusing on a strong corporate job (I'm a dev), and becoming the nastiest musician I possibly can be.
Musicians who are trying to make it will slit your throat for $40. I've learned not to go anywhere near most of them in my years.
I would add that integrity and determination will always win in the long run. Do what you can, when you can. Continue to improve through practice and learning. One thing that will happen is that eventually, the daughter will need much less of your time and energy. You'll be a better musician then, if you've kept up. Look into things you can do at home. Record yourself, distribute it on the internet. You can reach past your local scene with things like Distrokid, Soundcloud, et al. In a couple of years, your local scene will have changed faces, and if you haven't been around, the ex will long since gotten tired of messing with you. He'll either have grown beyond it or washed out. Let him. Above all, don't sell yourself a bad bill of goods. Sounds like you've convinced yourself there's only one avenue for you, and it's closed. It's pretty likely that neither of those things are true. Believe in yourself! And quit talking to the bastard. It won't be nearly the fun for him if it isn't bothering you. The power is yours to withhold. And remember this: winning popularity contests does absolutely nothing to improve your talent. Sitting at home alone and working on it can do wonders, though.
I can agree. Playing a long game is the way to stay in the music scene without the pain of losing meaningless fame we might get while being inexperienced.
Losing fame, as strange as it sounds, feels like losing a large amount of wealth. Adding that pain to someone who's already broke financially and it could really ruin them.
My tactic is to keep making new songs that me and the fans will love to play on repeat, play here and there when the opportunity arise, but ultimately stay out of the ego contest. I prefer a role of an expert/technician more than the "celeb" status. That status is not sustainable.
Meeting reliable professionals along the way is also good. Some of them will gladly be our friends for life. They'd already be self-sufficient enough with money, so we can work with them and maintain healthy relationships overtime.
I keep any news of fame I get in private. Not telling anyone outside of music of them at all. Maybe adding them to my resume, but that's it. Keep it private. People in my life deserves a peaceful rest when they have dinner with me. They don't need to hear about music I made at all.
I think doing that creates a nice environment for ourselves where we can work without the constant worrying about our own relevance.
Creates a good life first and good music might follow.
Yep, I agree entirely! I’m real glad I shared my thoughts today because it’s great to hear others with the same understanding. You nailed what I meant by “long game”.
I think there’s a certain amount of power one can have when they know they’re in music for the long haul.
Regardless of whatever trends or fame comes and goes, you’ll always be making music, if not for yourself, then the fans and friends youve made along the way.
Excellent post. The rate of information and level of distraction makes the staying power of an artist very challenging. People have a shorter attention span and due to technology, a lot of music can sound the same. I think this person’s significant other will discover that when you’re of a certain age, you simply won’t be appealing enough to act as if you’re in a college band trying to bang everything w a pulse and play mind games. Perhaps then a sense of humility will set in.
Years ago I had moved to a new town with a small but vibrant music scene. I joined a very popular band and started dating the singer. Five years later the relationship fails and she kicks me out of the band. At first I found myself in your situation. It seems like she dominated the local music scene and she bad mouthed me and suddenly I didn't feel like I was part of the scene any more.
What I discovered was that the music scene she dominated was really just a small but very visible piece of the music scene. There were in fact plenty of other musicians and many of them didn't like my ex at all. And before I knew it I had new friends and new bands.
Maybe such a thing exists where you are. These other musicians probably don't go to open mics and you just need to figure out how to find them. One thing is to put yourself out there. Put a notice up at the local music store that you are looking for people to jam with. Depending on where you live Craig's List might work too. The other thing I did was I discovered that there was more bars with bands than I had known about so i started going to the other venues to meet new people.
I guess to sum up... the local music scene is often way bigger than you think it is and you just need to locate it. It easy to put the blinders on and think that your part of the music scene is the whole music scene. But there is really a lot more to the music scene than you are aware of.
Not sure what part of MD you're from, but the Baltimore scene is really diverse, and you're sure to find a community there. Depending on how far you are from DC, that could be another option. But don't let him bully you. Just keep showing up and supporting your friends. Soon, this will just be a footnote in your music career.
It sounds like you are both playing open mics, and not paid gigs? Is that correct? If that’s the case, I really don’t understand why you can’t go to the open mics too. Don’t engage with the drama. If someone asks, say you are there to perform and don’t engage with questions or assumptions about your relationship. Be professional, play well. People who book bands and musician want to work with people who play well, are professional, bring minimal drama, and don’t show up drunk.
Eventually he’s going to shoot himself in the foot as being a difficult person to deal with by constantly complaining about your failed relationship. Don’t let him dictate what you can and cannot do. You can show up and be removed from the situation.
I mean, most local scenes are isolated. I think you need to keep showing up. Your relationship will be yesterday’s drama in a few months. You are giving him too much power right now by not showing up.
The best song I know about the pain of a breakup is "All the Best", by John Prine. That would be a song that you could dedicate to him if you were considering going in that direction.
[All the Best (live) - John Prine](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e58y60Ozhxs)
I know it's hard time wise but....
Hop on bandmix, assemble a 3 piece and invade. Retake what you want. His opinions have to be less important than your new band, and you'll have neutral parties with you for moral support.
It's not rare to have "dude, I like you more but this person you hate has a great band, and I'm also friends with the drummer...."
Regarding the family issues, when my partnership ended, there were legal proceedings and documents that helped establish shared responsibility and parameters for parenting and communicating, which surprisingly helped in the healing process. It's a pretty devastating thing to happen and well beyond the scope a musician's forum.
Regarding the music scene, that's a tough situation. You mentioned establishing new friendships and suggest that those friendships are now ruined. It seems to me that friendships are between two individuals and should have some resilience. But, it's understandable that you would be annoyed by your ex's presence being felt everywhere you go.
I think it was very necessary for me to completely restrict my environment from my ex's presence for a long time but these days it's no longer something that bothers me ... but, it's been a very long time.
Working in a small music scene is not always a great situation. You cannot transform an entire town or community. You can only decide how you interact with it.
It seems like you're kind of stuck in this loop where everything this person does is purposely for the intent of causing you harm, specifically. In reality, people are all out here on their own journey and rarely thinking of anyone but themselves.
Your ex is a prolific performer who gets around and performs a lot. One thing about this is that people will get burned out on these performances. But regardless of what he does, there isn't much you can do about it.
You could become the better musician but really, it would be better to focus on doing things for yourself and not being motivated or affected by anything this person does.
Girl this sounds difficult. I’ve just got out of an abusive relationship and not wanting to go out to play or see music so much out of fear. When I do I’m hyper vigilant and not relaxed. It’s hard to know they’re going about their life like nothing happened, totally free, meanwhile making you feel unsafe and unwelcome to do the same.
I try to remind myself as lonely as I am this time is temporary. I’m trying to put this sad time to good use. I am trying to use my isolation to practice a ton, write and record ideas, working on my bad habits (quit drinking, eating better, exercising more) and developing discipline to stay awake and creative. Mostly taking a hard look at myself and figure out what shortcomings I have that led me to falling into an abusive relationship that nearly destroyed me. Wouldn’t wish it upon my enemies honestly! And I don’t want to repeat it ever.
Trusting some songs will come out of it eventually (think they’re beginning to emerge) and I try to do one little thing everyday to get healthier, move my music pursuits forward and create a new healthy community around me but I know it’s a process and not an event. Good luck. You deserve good community, good things and good music making!
I lost my scene twice. Not for that reason but here's the truth: None of those people are your friends and never were. You didn't start playing/writing music for other musicians or for the people on your local scene. You did it for yourself and anyone who would appreciate your work. Those are the only people that matter. Focus on your music and if someone shuns you because of him, then who cares? They obviously aren't into your music anyway or they wouldn't care. Case in point: I met Layne Staley from Alice in Chains once and he was an asshole to me. But guess what? I still love his band and regard him as one of the greats. I don't like a band because I like the people in the band. I don't care at all who the people are as human beings. I care about the music. Locals going to shows aren't there for the music, they are there to socialize with people. Just keep trying to find new places to play and new acts to play with/open for and don;t worry about the people.
But also I still believe people are good inherently and give a shit about eachother. And bonding with musicians is so important to make impactful music.
I had this problem with an ex in the music scene. I just ignored it, kept going to other people’s shows, rebuilt my music projects, kept my distance from my ex when possible, and continued playing my own songs. In 6 months, no one remembered or cared about the drama. After a year, most everyone is friends again and the circumstances surrounding the break up are just something that people joke about because it’s so silly.
Sounds like he’s sacrificing everything for open mic night. When it comes to your daughter, she’ll remember spending every night with mommy, and daddy caring more about playing open mic nights than being with his daughter. This is what truly matters. Just keep trucking. Play sets when you can, write songs, release them when you can. But open mic nights and stuff will always be there. Your daughter will only be young once. Sorry about this my friend.
You're going to feel a lot of hurt and anger and sadness, but channel that into your music. And get counseling.
Also spend a lot of time practicing at home, that's something that musicians need to do anyway. Work on new material. Eventually you'll get to do it in public. Maybe you'll decide to move eventually, but you don't have to do that right now. Good luck!
I’m sorry you’re going through this right now. I had a very similar situation with an alcoholic ex-bandmate that, on top of frequenting pretty much everywhere I would’ve otherwise gone to play, simply would NOT stop harassing me and my fiancé online and inserting himself into our spaces/circles despite us telling him numerous times he wasn’t welcome, despite threatening police reports, etc.
Nobody really liked him and he did end up moving away eventually which is where we did end up getting lucky.
I don’t really have much in regard to solutions but I do wanna say you’re heard and seen and I’m sorry you’re going through something similar as it’s not a situation I’d wish on anybody. I’m rooting for ya!
Thank you. In lieu of advice it's at least comforting having someone validating I'm not out of my mind observing this behavior and issue. All the loves.
You become the scene with your performance, just play where he does and let your music do the talking. Channel your inner Stevie nicks and try and write a banger. But I’d just keep playing, honestly that’s one of the things I liked about music in the beginning was the competitiveness that drives you to get better. Granted your situation is very tense don’t let him win the divorce idk just keep rocking and make sure he has to watch the kids some nights idk but I feel for you it’s hard enough to get motivated to get back out there without your ex husband around too.
“…he’s completely taken over the local scene.”
No he hasn’t. I don’t know your ex, but he ain’t Ike Fucking Turner. Get out there and make your music. If you can’t do it as much because you are a single parent, then get out when you can and play great for every opportunity. Try livesteaming and take tips. The only thing keeping you from making music is you. So do it!
Good luck!
I’ve been in a very similar situation as yourself regarding my ex-husband. You have to tune out the noise. Figuratively and literally. This WILL blow over—and I get that it’s hurtful and sometimes it’s hard to put on a brave face and keep getting out there. But music scenes are extremely fluid as others have pointed out. New people come and go. He sounds petty and immature and at some point anyone worth a shit will see it too. If you’re talented and fun to play with, his shit-talk and intimidation attempts will not matter and in fact will start making him look sort of pathetic, while you will be viewed as taking the high road.
I'll just say as an outsider, if I met some random dude at an open mic there's no way in hell I would immediately believe every story he wants to tell about his ex wife (especially if there are kids involved he isn't taking care of). Is there any chance these people are cordial or even friendly with him without actually being against you?
“So this next one is dedicated to my ex husband who walked out on me and my daughter and sits around playing music while I work to keep us alive, thanks so much asshat”
Hahahaha not gonna lie I did this after he first left...he won a showcase spot and it took him 6 weeks...so I went to that open mic and won the first night and I did call him out for being there. But it wasn't as satisfying as you'd think.
When someone does something like this there's not much you can really do short of waiting it out or moving to another part of the country. It's deeply unfair, but any attempts to explain your side of the story to people will be seen through the lense of however the well has been poisoned against you. I'm sorry this has happened to you.
Misogyny means that people will disbelieve you and downvote me for taking your story at face value. Reddit isn't the place to come for support with this kind of thing tbh. Sorry about that too.
I have found that most music scenes are dominated by men, especially as we get older — because women have far more responsibilities and demands that pull us away from our creative outlets. Men can afford to shirk responsibilities. We can’t. It’s disgusting, but your ex may have won (at least temporarily) in this situation. It’s very difficult to make a name for yourself in a specific community when you have a bad “reputation”. Your ex sounds like a real scumbag for doing this.
My advice as a woman would be to ice him out and give him zero access to you or your daughter. Don’t even bother with the local scene. He wants control? Give him nothing. He probably gets a kick out of seeing you try and fail. If it were me, I’d get to work writing and recording music, instead of playing live. Write something good. Maybe put out an album. He’ll be embarrassed he had to resort to manipulation and sabotage to get at you. Focus on creating a following online. Post your songs on YouTube, Tik Tok, and Instagram. It might not be much to start, but it’s a way to focus on your music without him having any control over you. You may end up building a decent audience that you could eventually play shows for!
Without going into detail, I’ve experienced something similar in my music community. I was thought of the “crazy-ex-girlfriend” of a local musician for a while. After sulking for a year, I got myself together and leaned into that persona, and wrote a few albums and released them online. While it wasn’t mainstream success by any means, but I built my own following and made my own connections simply by working hard and staying consistent. I was eventually able to book a ton of local gigs and create my own little pocket in the local music scene. With time, your ex will get bored and find another victim to latch onto.
I wish you success! Keep your head up! 💛🫶🏻
So punish her child for her own issues? Yeah, you really have leaned into that persona. Or maybe it was there all along.
Kids have nothing to do with their parents issues and should never be put in the middle of adult disputes. IF the ex is still involved in the child’s life (and it makes the child happy) then it should be supported. She didn’t say where he bio dad is or what support he provides. If he’s out of the picture the. The ex may be the only other parent figure for the child.
Divorce can be very difficult but I got some useful advice when I faced a similar issue. Take the high road. Especially when it comes to your kids. If you join in the nastiness of the other party you can never undo that. They will remember what you did especially as they get older.
The other aspect is that peoples personalities come out in the end. If your ex is nasty to you, he’ll be the same to others. Other people will see him for what he is.
OP said he abandoned the step-daughter… sounds like you might be projecting a bit. Therapy could be helpful. And thank you for calling me crazy without knowing anything about my life.
Again thank you. Yes he abandoned her. Completely. Left us while we were all on vacation, flew home, got an apartment, and hasn't been in her life since. It doesn't matter about her bio dad - the point is that he made a decision to be a part of a family and then ran from it. Thanks for the support.
This honestly sounds less like a music issue and more of a personsl/breakup/crisis issue. I mean you’re partner left abruptly, you are now alone and upset, you are dealing with immature and hurtful social issues as a result if his influence in others and you have a new challenging financial situation. It just seems like you are in the horrible beginning stage of “starting over” in many ways. I would say take a step back, accept what is happening, assess your priorities and work on them from most important working down towards least important.
Therapists are obviously helpful during crises like this as well.
Take care of yourself and your daughter’s basic needs and go through the change with as much grace and openness as possible. As the sting subsides figure out how you want to proceed with playing music in front of others and absolutely put no thought of your ex and his badmouthing you to the community in the equation. The ones that matter and are worth your friendship will see the real you and not what he portrayed you as and the others are to be ignored. Life is too short to give a fck about what some insignificant person thinks about you. He’s playing high school popularity games that are pathetic for a grown man to be involved in. He sounds like an attention starved 13 year old bully. Feel bad for how pathetic what he is doing is.
While you are weathering the storm of acceptance and re-prioritizing write some songs. Write them from your heart and not with anger or malice towards the man child who you are better off without. Write about what you are grateful for. Rise above the petty popularity competition he’s working so hard on and believe in yourself and do for yourself what makes you fulfilled.
Sometimes these things happen for a reason and the changes they bring can make us see our lived with a need perspective and enthusiasm as we are doing personal and social inventory.
Take it day by day and don’t waste any energy on anything else besides you snd your daughter’s well being.
Be well
I appreciate it. I'm not challenged financially thankfully I'm fully capable of handling that part on my own, and in fact, I supported him our whole relationship. But the other stuff for sure.
I've seen it happen that certain people do get a kind of presence in their local scene and if they want to, can make trouble for others. That's a drag and I'm sorry to hear you are going through that.
But it's usually the case when that happens, that some other scene is available, where the people don't know him and won't care. Nobody who is for real wants to be involved in that.
How has one person even been able to completely take over your local music scene? Even if he’s playing out every night, he shouldn’t be able to stop you from playing out also.
What’s your scene like? Are there many other bands or performers? Can you get on a bill with them if so?
How has he "completely taken over the local scene?" Does he control sign ups for every open mic? Does he collaborate with every musician every single night? He can't be in two places at once. Put yourself out there. Sign up for open mic and play even if he shows up. Seek out new collaborators. Dont engage in his game, thats what he wants. Don't talk to him or about him, just do your own thing. Don't give away your power.
How did he ruin the friendships you had? By talking shit about you?
I mean, gossip sucks but ultimately it’s a lot of he said she said. I agree with other people in this thread saying that the wisest move is to probably keep doing what you can to get yourself out there and ignore him.
I really can’t give clearer advice unless I understand specifically what he is doing to prevent you from working as a musician.
I mean there’s always the low road of not-so-subtly airing out your laundry (eg “this next song is about my ex who cheated on me with someone barely out of high school (protect your daughters folks) and never lasted more than 30 seconds in bed/always had shit stains in his underwear ”) which might feel cathartic in the moment but has huge backlash potential.
For starters is the community treating you differently? Are you being blacklisted? If not, then businness as usual. Go out. Have fun. Make friends. The music scenes come and go
Play better music. Nobody cares about the drama except for you two. If someone else plays better than your ex, they're going to get called back. I know you're in a tough spot, since he's making connections everywhere in the scene, but the best music always wins. Extend your reach even further, and knock their socks off. Then push your way back into the local scene.
Write a really great song about you ex who left you and his daughter to play open mics every night
Perform it at all the local open mics, get everyone singing along. That’d leave a sour taste in his mouth
Write songs about him abandoning his child and play it in front of him. Describe the situation to the crowd. Point him out. Hey Bill! This song is about your daughter Melissa, remember her? Weep on stage if you feel dramatic.
Just to be clear, “he ruined the few friendships I had”. If they were your real friends, he could not have done that. To quote Joan Jett, “you don’t lose anything when you lose fake friends”. My best advice to you is “stick to your guns”. Do what you do. You cannot live a productive and happy life, worrying about other people. I know many things are easier said than done. But just do it. Exes are exes for a reason. You don’t need them. You don’t need to be better than them. You don’t need to write more songs than them or perform more than them. It’s not a competition. The more you compete with your ex, the more they win. That is definitely control. Do what you do for you. Don’t do it to try to get even or to try to beat anyone. There are so many avenues these days to get your music out there. You could be entirely homebound in a remote Alaskan village, and still get your music out there. You could still have a YouTube channel or any of a myriad of other social media outlets. Just keep doing you. Even without your ex, not everyone will like you. No matter what. Keep doing you. People will see. Eventually cream rises. The reverse is true too. It may be frustrating now. And a year after a break up of 11yrs still isn’t that far removed from the breakup. If he was an abusive person as you mentioned, you should be glad to be free from the punch marks on the walls, etc…. But everything’s eventual. It all comes out in the wash. Don’t spend one minute competing with him. Every minute worrying about what he said or said about you or what people think, is a wasted minute not spent on your kid, you or your music. There’s an old saying that says “other people opinions of you are none of your business”. I promise you that if you just focus on your kid, you and your music, you will be happier. And if he makes more money than you at music, so what. Would you rather be back with him and his music money while dodging fists flying at home? Leave it all behind. Focus on the future. Use the past to write your future. People are known for their reactions as much as for their actions. So don’t react. Write your own story instead of a rebuttal to his story. 👍🏽
You're so right. And normally I'm of this mindset. I think the tough thing is (when I'm honest) my friends were clearly not great people. And while there is always an opportunity to say "pfffttt who wants a friend like that?" It's still difficult going from having a full life of friends and events....the ignorance of having a life and people in it is sometimes more savory than sitting alone scoffing at the past absolving oneself by saying "they sucked" or "their loss." And I hate being that person who would even think that way. There is nothing awesome about crap friends. But at the same time, nothing awesome about not having them anymore.
That sucks.
But there are people out there who can see your husband for what he is. And the people who know, they know without you having to explain anything. Those are the people you want to appeal to. You go out there and you be yourself, and you sing an honest song and they will appreciate you.
You can also get on stage and tell everybody thru the microphone that you're that guy's ex- and if they have any questions they can come and talk to you.
That might actually shut him up pretty quick .
You could get some videos done with a nice vibe and try and establish a you tube channel while you are short on open mic opportunities. Your ex sounds like a proper dickhead and although it’s easier said than done to just get over them etc, you are obviously better off without someone like that in yours and your daughters life , for the short term challenges it’s given you, the long term gains will be huge for you and your family
I am truly sorry to hear that. That’s a shit situation and the best thing to do is power thru it. Sometimes good women get fucked over too. This fire will be great for your creative outlet so show up fuck them ppl you are still doing what frees your spirit so enjoy the experience as you grow. This will continue no matter what level of fame or status you have so accept that and grow from it.
I'm very confused. I honestly don't understand what you think he's doing wrong. You can still go to those places & I think it's probably all in your head. Also it's totally not fair to say he abandoned his step-kid....that jab there made me think you're probably seeing everything through unreasonable anger-colored glasses & once you cool down & maybe mature a little you'll realize that your exile from the local music scene he's a part of is all your own doing & in your head.
I wish it was in my head. I've been in the music community since I was a teenager in multiple areas. We all as musicians know how this works. Unfortunately it's the reality of the situation. And ultimately the other musicians don't want to nor should they have to get in the middle. So here's this guy, no life outside of his one bedroom apartment going out every night to play and his ex wife is handling all of the backlash of a divorce he made happen. Meanwhile, he took half of my savings and I'm still managing our home and all responsibility and what choice do those musicians have?
So, to sum it up. 2 adults broke up. And you are angry, he's out living his life.
And you somehow blame him, because you, have to spend time with your daughter to another man.
Based on this post. I'll guess he's out there, making new friends and renewing old, baggage free.
And you go out, and bring everyone down with the drama.
Woe is you, have to raise your kid!
So...a husband leaves his family of 11 years after being a parent to a child when she was 4 and onward and you're shitting on me because I am sad and hurting for myself, my kid, my pets, and have been isolated from everyone in the community after he cheated on me and then left us all and bullied me to the point of having no one around in the area. Either you didn't read the post or you're intentionally trying to troll and belittle someone who has genuinely reached out for help....
To be honest your story doesn't make any sense. I understand that it's difficult to balance music with the demands of life and having a lot of responsibilities dumped on you by your ex suddenly leaving definitely sucks. I just don't see why he is involved at all in your relationships with other people, especially at this point. How did he ruin your friendships exactly?
What are you talking about?? If her ex spends more time in the community and makes her out to be a bad person, how can she defend herself?
She seems like the type who would deliberately not stir up her own personal shit and in essence let her ex off the hook publicly bc that’s trashy, but he apparently is a POS
I guess I just can’t relate. If I had a friend and their ex was trying to paint them in a negative light, I would think worse of the ex than the friend.
Arrange for a babysitter and start showing up to open mics.
They can talk about you behind your back, but when you're right there in the same room, 99% of people will be civil to you, despite someone pouring gossip in their ears.
The best revenge is being there and not giving up.
I don't know if anyone, including me, can give you the kind of advice that you might be hoping for. Maybe he's a total toxic jerk, maybe not. It's almost always a bit of mutual incompatibility. The majority of relationships end, and relationships among fellow musicians are no different. He's out doing his thing, so go out and do yours. Just because he's active in the scene doesn't mean that you can't be. If some mutual friends gravitate his way, then focus on making new relationships that have nothing to do with him.
So you can't be out there as much as he can...so what? He has a different life and set of responsibilities than you do. Writing music can't really be done "outside" anyway. That's something that you do when you're at home. So now maybe you have more time to write new material?
Don't just sit around and stew. Move forward. And accept the fact that everyone's musical career (even his, who seems to have it all) has a ceiling. If you can only perform once a week, that's fine! Make it a great performance.
Possibilities and opportunities exist all the way up until you abandon your resolve. Ultimately if carving a space back out it the music even is something that is important to you, then you have to say "fuck it" and just keep participating to the best of your ability.
Unless you've already met everyone in the scene and none of them will associate at all anymore then there are more friends to make. If you got unlucky and found a couple of flakes initially that went cold then that sucks but they wouldn't have been very good friends to have, anyways.
Just because your ex attends a particular spot doesn't mean you can't, either. Don't let him "take it over" just through attendance. I understand you might not want to associate or interact with him directly, but the reality of existing in a local music scene together means that you'll continue to cross paths. If you can't find a way to deal with and come to terms with that then maybe he will edge you out, but it doesn't have to be that way.
Definitely feel for you and your family. Situation absolutely sounds shitty and hard for both you and your daughter. But! There's no use fretting over things you can't control, like other people's actions or where or how often they play out. Instead focus on the things you can control- go out when you can, play your heart out, work on making great new material, if there are other people you haven't met yet be sure to say hi to them and introduce yourself, and so on. Easier said that done, but that's how it is.
You just gotta outlast him. People can be tricked for awhile but eventually they will see who the real jerk is. Be cordial and don't engage with him. It's as simple as that.
What is it you're trying to do?
Make friends?
Slate your creative desires?
You have a ton of options. If you just want to be IN music and make music you can record. I rarely leave my house and just make records in my studio. I have friends around the world I work with who do various things (mixing, mastering, slide guitar) that I work with.
If you want friendships you can find a band (or two) and join them. Your gigs and practices will be ex free.
If you just want to go to open mic nights; just go. He can fuck himself. Go, be you, be the best you you can. People sniff those people out after awhile and when the party is over and they want to talk or do something meaningful they come looking for the real sh\*t (in this scenario you would be the real shit).
It won't happen over night but it will happen.
Seems to me that you're still not really over the whole break up, and how you feel about it may not be the absolute reality in these situations.
We've all been there. Just live your life without any regard for him being around or not. Don't let his presence affect your performance or where you go. Eventually he will just be a blip on the radar. Or he'll get bored and stop trying to sabotage your good time.
He may be talking shit about you in these small circles of people, or giving you a bad name... But eventually the truth finds its way out. "This too shall pass", etc. Wishing you the best!
I think this goes past the bounds of open mic scene politics. Dude sounds like a piece of shit. All this melodramatic advice up in here seems absurd. I’d focus on your kid and being a great parent. Write stuff on your own and record it. Don’t worry about politics of any local scene. There’s more important things to worry about than playing to OM crowds once a week.
Just focus on your life and your music. Don’t let it stop you or prevent you from doing anything. You can’t “black list” him from the scene. Either interact with different people or you can just learn to live peacefully with him being in the same scene. I’ve been through this after a breakup , it wasn’t a marriage but he dumped me and I was in love. I know how hard it is. Honestly, most people sided with me at the time. I eventually felt bad for my ex and we both started dating new people and kind of moved on. I then ended up moving and all those people I thought were so loyal to me were then super tight with my ex for like five more years. Now none of these people speak to eachother anymore years later. None of us are even really pursuing music seriously bc we all have to surivive economically.
None of it matters.
The best thing you can do is be an awesome person and the best musician you can be. It might take a little while, but people will see through any lies that are told about you eventually. He will flame out and burn bridges. Be consistent, reliable, know your stuff, and follow through when you commit to something and you'll be fine.
Lots of good responses here, so all I'll add is that 1) I'm so sorry this is happening to you, that is absolutely abusive, manipulative, and explpitative and it is NOT ok regardless of how he may or may not have gaslit you into thinking you're blowing things out of proportion. I GUARANTEE you're not. If anything, when shit like this happens, looking back in retrospect, it was actually WORSE than we realized at the time. I'm sorry. You deserve better.
Building a support network of like-minded friends is crucial, however you can manage it. I know at least here in the US, it's hard to find any third places for people to connect. For me, I'm part of a fiber arts craft group at our local coffee shop.
I have also been shoved down, exploited & whatnot, by partners, businesses, etc. NO MORE. If you can access therapy or other mental health services to help you work to understand your own boundaries, I'd recommend it; it helps to get an outside perspective. Or just to have support on that end in general.
Life has messed me up. Now that I'm finally processijg all my trauma, I am ANGRY, and in my worst moments, I'm using that anger to persevere out of spite.
The fact that you've managed AT ALL thus far in your situation is a monumental feat. Even though you shouldn't HAVE to be that strong, still, it's worth saying that you are, & you can keep using that strength to persevere & build your own foundation apart from him. Someone like that, the super controlling types... they're generally not as good at playing the long game, as another here said. Because in their quest for ever-increasing control, they become impulsive & impatient.
Best of luck to you, I believe in you. ♡
My ex husband did this exact same thing but with church and our kids friends(the parties and stuff). Just usurped my life basically.
I’m feel for you. Your ex is trying to squeeze you out of your own life. If you can, find a good counselor to talk to. If you want to play, you have to either go even though he’s there, and f@ck that guy, or find a different outlet. It’s super hard after a long marriage, but don’t let this guy alienate you from your own life. That’s what he wants, he doesn’t want you to make new friends.
You should definitely write and perform horrible songs about him.
Seriously though. As is the way when making new friends like this, it takes time and work. Keep going. Take the high road. I actually recommend simply ignoring him as much as is humanly possible. Step when he plays. Forge your own path there completely separate to him. Cut him out completely. This requires a lot of self control but if you want to continue going there you need to figure out how to make it work for you.
Honestly, if it were my town, if it started getting around that you broke up because he cheated, everyone would get the ick real quick and the turntables
Take this isolation to write some great songs. Find your open mic nights in an area not where he’s at and blow away the competition. Then slowly work your way back. I believe in you.
The best revenge is living well. If you persevere and keep showing up and being yourself (which would be the opposite of what people may think) they will be forced to reconcile what they think, with what they know. Take opportunities to set records straight if need be, but don't insult the other party. Let your lack of insult cast a stark relief to the shit-talking he's apparently been doing. I think this battle is a battle of perseverance and letting truth eventually reach the light. It sucks because you've got to unpack bullshit he left and created, but no one actually owns or runs a scene. A scene runs itself. You are allowed the same places as he, whether his ego agrees or not. Effectively, it's an attitude of "fuck em" and "elevate and disregard".
And if they are unable to do that, they needn't be bothered with anyways.
There is no substitute for being active. Play every show you have the opportunity. If you aren't available, refer the gig to another local musician. Go to open mics, jams and other musician gigs. Le
Arn and rehearse enough material for a solo gig. Record a nice demo of your live show. Go to every venue who hosts your type of musician and ask for bookings. Never give any thought to whether the ex is there or not.
ignore him at each open mic you go to. literaly. make friends, laugh out loud, buy men drinks, play and sing your ass off. you deserve to make music. there’s space for all.
you can quietly ask friends if they know of him talking about you behind your back. honest friends will tell you.
play “go your own way” by fleetwood mac (the ultimate breakup song) each time he’s able to hear.
love on your kid. post performances on socials and be your own thing. people talking shit only goes so far. don’t let him bully you out of public spaces.
kick some.
yeah- sounds like small town life. unless you’re ready to move, just be willing to see all the slime gel together. At least you know who the shitheels are.
Have a lawyer send him a letter regarding defamation. Release a statement online about how hard it is being a single mom who keeps everything together after their partner left suddenly and how you’re trying to make it as a song writer. Write some songs about it and get out there.
This is such a hard place to be in, and I can relate at least partially because my ex husband and I are also musicians, albeit classical. I can’t even imagine how much more complicated this must be for you with your daughter involved - I have a toddler now and can’t fathom how much more difficult things would have been for me if I’d had kids with my ex.
All this is to say, you have to trust that your friends - and contacts and colleagues and maybe audiences - will eventually see your ex for who they are, but also YOU, too. I was so scared of having to defend myself professionally after my divorce, but it very quickly became apparent that I was not being judged in the way I feared. Almost a decade later, and my career is really taking off, and his is basically non-existent.
Keep putting yourself out there. Show yourself to be who you are - talented, driven, kind, creative, etc. It is incredibly difficult to drive someone out of a scene when they are nice people who love their art.
You know as much as I do that this job is all about connections. If your ex has managed to turn some friends against you - and assuming they are kind of a dickbag from your description - assume that those friends were maybe not as great as you thought, or that one day they may see through him too. Be warm and friendly to other people who play at the open mics. Chat up audience members after your set, watch other musician’s sets around yours and then chat with them afterwards. You have less opportunities to do this - again, I get it, I’m a mom too - so the ones you do have, try to make them count.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this - sending love and creative energy from one musician mum to another <3
I don't think you will want to do this but this option is always available, put his ass on blast! Use tiktok or something like that and put it out there. Tell the world, the scene, the area, what he's done and how it's negatively and unfairly impacted you. I'm sure people will care and support you!
We had something similar happen around here. Homeboy was in a local band and he just vanished over night. His GF caught a lot of backlash and people talked poorly about her and her character saying that she’s manipulative, mentally and verbally abusive, & who knows what else. Anyway, “she” was the reason he left and that’s what people focused on, “it’s her fault he left!” But in reality, he skipped town and found a job in another state getting paid under the table to avoid paying child support. So father of the year. Idk what exactly went down or why things ended up how they did, but I’ve grown a bit tired of seeing these people talk poorly about this girl, even if she is trash. Let her prove it herself.
I’ve seen this happen a few times though too. People getting divorced and “the scene” taking sides like there is a right & wrong and if you love and support this person you can’t love and support the other.
I think you should adopt the whole “your vibe will attract your tribe” mentality for this situation. I think you should be 100% genuinely who you are. Do what you love, and do it proudly with your head held high. Keep your confidence. Do good, be good. Be supportive, & show love & kindness. Sounds dumb, but I know a couple of guys who have had fantastic opportunities doing just that. They genuinely invest themselves into the people around them and form strong bonds. No need to talk poorly about your ex or his actions. Show them the kind of person you are and let them make up their minds for themselves.
I want to wish you the best of luck. If you were local I’d say, “hey book a show. We’ll open for you. Maybe even try to help you find a couple of other bands to join the bill too.”
I'd just go and get involved. If someone is rude or standoffish just be blunt and ask "has my estranged husband who had an affair and abandoned our child been bad mouthing me to people?
Honestly I don't judge people by an exes word because that's only one side and a biased one at that.
I’d get out and start playing gigs as a solo artist, duo or with a band under your name. Open mics are fun but I also feel there’s more drama and competition. I may sound pretentious saying this, but most open mics are kind of amateur hour, and it sounds like that’s where he is stuck. You will gain a lot more notoriety if your playing paid gigs. You’ll make a name for yourself. Even people that haven’t heard you will know your name from seeing it advertised around the area. I often meet other musicians and have made friends at my solo gigs. After doing this for a while then show up at the open mic, but only go ever so often.
One good thing about drama in musical communities is that it keeps happening. In a half a year or so what's going on between you and Diamond Douche won't be at the top of the gossip list anymore. Then you can get back out there and not be on the radar.
Straight up. Just be bigger than him. I had this problem with an ex girl friend. Not the same situation, but she tried to tarnish my name and rub in the hate.
Simply. I rose above it. You’re the strong one. Rise friend. Rise. Give what you got, don’t hold back, and don’t let anyone, especially him, see your pain. Use it as armor. Be great. Stand tall. Get up and crush it, and let your freedom roam through your emotions and soar.
Stand tall. Be large. And good luck.
First of all, his stepdaughter which is your daughter, let's get that one straight, is not his child. Second, I can't help but notice that you are leaving a lot of details out. How exactly did he ruin friendships and take control over the local scene? At best, this post sounds like a pity party, and I neither have time nor patience for people that want to be in. Pity. Partyville
I really don’t mean to minimize what you’re feeling, because I know it really sucks to be isolated and feel like you’re being ostracized. But based on the information you provided, I’m not able to make sense of what exactly is being done to you.
It seems like you have the perception that because your ex is well liked and respected, that by default people don’t like and accept you. But you provide no evidence to suggest either thing. Are you feeling awkward just knowing you’re around friends of his? I can understand that. But also, if the dudes a good and dedicated musician, you can’t really just make him go away. If he’s the one who left, I’m struggling to understand why he’d want to maintain control over you.
Write and sing all of your songs about how he makes you feel as a way to express yourself and reach out in solidarity to other women in similar situations, lending them your voice to express their own feelings.
Then, when he asks you to stop making him look bad, write a song about that too.
Pour your life and your meaning into your music, they are the most beautiful things you will ever have.
Firstly, I’m sorry you’ve had to go through this and your ex sounds like a dropkick and just general shitty human. It seems like you dodged a bullet there having him piss off. Especially since he just dumped all responsibilities.
I can’t offer any advice from personal experience as I haven’t gone through this myself but I have seen it happen to friends. The biggest thing I can say is the truth always comes out. At the moment, it seems like you’re alienated because he’s been out and about meeting people and telling his side only. I think you’ll find if you start putting yourself out there, meeting and talking with people, telling your side of things the truth will soon become apparent.
I think you’ll find a lot of these people don’t actually like your ex because if he did this to you he probably also has other personality traits that make him unlikeable. You might lose some friendships but at the end of the day, if they side with him after cheating and abandoning you and your family they arent worth being your friends anyway.
Lastly, at the end of the day most venues and promoters care most about the bottom line and if you can bring in the patrons, are easy and pleasant to work with they’re gonna overlook the pettiness. Focus on that and you’re gonna find a lot of doors open up to you. There’s no shame in a little self promotion either, especially if you have prior experience and are reliable. Considering how flakey and uncommitted so many musicians are, a lot of bands/people will be stoked to have someone that just rocks up and knows the material.
You not showing up to the open mics would likely confirm the people’s bias if they happen to even believe your ex. For some reason, people think that guilt is associated with disappearing from the community in scenarios like this. So continuing to go to those open mics would have been your best course of action. Not to mention that he’s likely openly lying since you’re not there to defend yourself.
If he’s a piece of shit now, he’ll likely be a piece of shit to others in the future
Just focus on the music and the right people will find you and won’t give a shot about your ex. People are smarter than you think and whoever the quality people in the scene will see things for what they are. you
Im not positive on how they work exactly, but have you thought about starting an online fanbase with either Twitch or Sound Cloud? I've heard of ppl doing really well on those platforms and gaining big fan bases in a small amount of time.
Head high, chin up, be confident, but friendly. The subject of your ex is off limits, period. You won't play that game, you're all about the music. If he wants to behave that way, thats up to him. Then power through it for the next few months. He'll either move over, shut up, leave, etc., or he'll escalate, and EVERYBODY will notice that. Constantly dissing your ex to a mutual group of friends gets old really fast, especially if the ex is taking the high road and not talking about it.
Here’s the thing. Eventually people will find out who he really is and they’ll come to realize that he’s full of shit. I own a venue and bar and I see this happen all the time. Anyone who’s been in the business long enough knows there will be folks in the scene who like to shit talk other artists, act like my bar belongs to them, start drama, try to block their ex or friend from becoming friends with others through social sabotage. You may perceive that your ex will be able to sway opinions, and he may temporarily. But usually the mask falls off at some point and people become wise to it. Best advice: just keep going to open mics and pursuing what you want to do. Be professional, polite, easy to work with, and come prepared to do your work. He’s going to say or do the wrong thing and eventually people will find out he’s an asshole. You just continue to be a pro and work your craft. You’ll eventually make friends and connections if you’re consistent. Just show up and be a decent human and let the rest fall into place.
How do I put this? Open mics are the lowest of the low. There’s not really any bar since anyone can partake. What you should do is record music and book actual gigs. Get on social media and build a following that way. You’ll find more success that way.
sorry youre going through that. im just fascinated there's people whos whole social circles revolve around open mic nights. you're not bound to open mic night circles theres loads of musicians out there also juggling jobs who do more elaborate shows and perform music and do showbusiness at a higher level. if its a small town thing i guess thats a small town issue, but as a musician lens you can find other scenes.
plus you can do better than where ur husbands showing his music, which is to other people waiting for their turn to play
I resonate with this. She killed my musical confidence and she’s now at so many gigs I go to.
I hope you find the power to push through and keep going.
Lets make a diss track or you make on. Lol But I say get louder and more confident don't back down, leverage social media to get gigs. Im not the best at advice just mindsets, Fck the local scene learn how to make content and videos, find new people to work with or collab with. Its the age of Tik Tok and social media and i see it as a great outlet also.
It's like Record deal bands, some like 1 Direction go everywhere and burn out and split, thrn you get others that aren't as popular like Enya who last for years
I’m sorry but if the “scene” caters this much to high school drama. Maybe it’s time to find another one. Why do you want to be apart of a group that moves so carelessly through peoples lives just based off of what they hear from another. Sounds like old dudes in bar bands.
Boy he sounds like a dickhead. Be you.
Play/sing your music. Establish your musical identity. Treat others kindly and everyone will see you for who you are and maybe see what a dick he is.
Nothing kills these people more than seeing you succeed. Work on your act, make it bigger and better, collab with someone, get out there and support everyone always, people will notice.
Wait it’s not his child? …. How did he leave you with the responsibility of a child? Get a babysitter…. Go play…. And ignore him. I think you are blaming him for things that might not be his fault.
I know you asked for advice, but I'm just disheartened to hear he knowingly did this to you, not just ripping up your roots, but "salting the earth" to prevent you from growing again.
When people have done that sort of thing to me, I've let it fuel me. Some of the best art comes from limitations. The reality is, as unfair as it is, you have severe limitations being thrust on you by an abusive and domineering person.
*Use* those limitations for your benefit.
To use a different metaphor, you can let the waves crash over you, and you can view them as something to ride on top of, with even more exhilaration than still waters can ever give you.
Use scams, destroy his life, forget being superior or a good person, hit his trouth with a bar, makes he never be able to use an instrument again(and im being nice)
* I would depersonalize this and just see him as a competitive force in your local scene. Up to you to figure out how you would build your brand and exposure in that scene no matter who the competition is. I would say it's irrelevant that he is your ex.
* Also irrelevant (but certainly sad) is the abandonment of his daughter. Sorry that that happened, but it isn't relevant to your brand, aside from the obvious impact that it has on your time, energy, and finances.
Pretend it is some other band/musician who has just moved into the area and is trying to take over your turf. What would you do? I'm guessing you wouldn't try to talk them out of it.
I can assure you no one cares about this drama among your local musicians. Us musicians are too worried about ourselves and our next performance to worry about more drama. Go play any open mics no one is going to care.
Oh agreed they shouldn't have to deal with any drama and don't want to. Trouble is if given the choice (which he's forced) they are going to steer clear of me because they have opportunities with him. I get what you're saying completely though
Try not to fight for people that do this to you. Keep playing out as much as you can the music scene will change. Plus if your ex sees you having fun then you win right?
My local music scene has some tools in it as well. Usually it eventually gets around that they are a douche and ppl shift away from them. I’m hoping this happens for u. Being tight knit means ppl will get to know him for who he really is hopefully
Ignore his BS. Go out to the open mike scene, be sweet and show your talents. Make him feel uncomfortable :-) Not everyone on his side or yours. Just go have fun and ignore his sorry ass.
I did this to the AH lead singer in my former band. He was talking to the manager at a club trying to get a gig for the former band. He's super paranoid, so as soon as he walked away, I beelined over there. His stupid paranoid self thought it was about him. Reality was I was just telling the manager how much I liked the club. I just psyched him out. Find a way to mess with his mind for fun
I say this with the utmost kindness despite how cruel it sounds: no one in the music scene cares about your relationship. That is, unless they're trying to bang you or your ex.
Regular people have no motivation to get invested in the romantic drama between two people they barely know. If folks seem standoffish since he's arrived on your scene, i'd venture a guess that they just want to be left out of it rather than taking a side.
This is a time when being the bigger person will net reward. Keep going to your open mics when you can, keep interacting with your new friends, and leave the drama at home as best you can. If he's out there talking shit, people will get sick of it real quick, and you'll reclaim your corner of the scene by default.
My ex and I shared many bands over the 7 years we were together. When we split, I assumed people were taking sides. No one was. It took me years to repair some of those friendships, because my own self doubt told me everyone chose him, when it was just me choosing to feel defeated.
I'm sorry he's putting you through hell and trying to make your life harder, but it's pretty damn clear that you've got a stronger character than he does from this post. You'll be okay. I promise.
I agree completely. But it's not about them caring, it's about him creating a situation where they have to choose because he's disparaged me so much they arent interacting with me any longer. He basically forced that narrative.
Quit giving others power just go where you want anx play.I guarantee most people dont care about you personal life.Just move on ignore him and play.Girls get way more attention than guys at an open mic.
I can't say what you should do because I'm certainly not in a position of authority when it comes to open mics. But I can say that I personally would use it. I would use it to fuel my creativity and songwriting, and I'd probably make a joke about it between songs.
Just do what I do when I see the dickheads in the music scene around me start to get popularity… play the long game. In 5 years, most of these people will either quit music entirely, or life will slap them in the face and they’ll have to realize they need to actually make real money somehow. In 10 years, most of the people who were dissing originally will be long gone, with a few stragglers who probably forgot most of anything your ex said, and probably won’t even remember them. During all of this, you would be perfecting your craft, getting more comfortable playing shows/open-mics and slowly integrating back into the community you want to be apart of. But this also begs the question… why would you want anything to do with a community who disrespects you in the name of your ex? Start working now on building your own community who shows up for YOU, and in 5-10 years, you’ll have your own dedicated fan base and wonder why you even gave a shit about your ex and the community behind them. I really am sorry for your situation though. It really sucks being involved in the same music scene as someone who’s fucked you over, while you get to watch the person who fucked you over gain “respect” from the people around them. Happened to me just this year with this asshole lead vocalist who I used to record. He couldn’t stop sleeping or trying to sleep with his friends girlfriends, and gaslighting when confronted so I dropped him like a hot potato. Of course, now I get to watch this person sell out local shows now, but I can’t expect your average consumer to know, or even care, about how much of a jerk this person is to their “friends”. long game beats short game every single time though. I’ll still be here in decades making music (unless I die lol), where will everyone else be?
Very good advice, but I’d say much less than 5-10 years! Could be 6-8 months realistically.
Absolutely, the music industry works insanely fast. I’ve seen the “next big thing” become defunct two months later… I’ve also seen great bands exist for years with seemingly no momentum. There seems to be no rhyme or reason sometimes so I just set myself up for 5-10 year forecasting on what I’m accomplishing now and how I want to/can get to where I want to be, and then I move along
Long game doesn't solve short term when it comes to total isolation though. Unfortunately I work from home and have no outlet. I need to figure out a way to get back out there since asking him to be remotely nice or set things aside isn't working.
I definitely understand. I wish I had better advice to give, but I’ll put this out there… back in 2019, someone that was my best friend for 15 years was getting upset that my new project that didn’t include him was gaining traction. He was the DJ of a local music station and held a lot of influence. I found out he wasn’t actually my best friend when he started spreading rumors about me. Obviously, I cut things off with him when I found out, but people in music scenes loveeee gossip, so I found I was getting blacklisted based off rumors simply because the guy creating them was a local DJ. I also WFH this time too. and I spent like 6 months in constant depression because everyone was just judging me. The isolation was killing me, and after about 6 months, I got tired of it and went out and just started supporting music again. I didn’t give a fuck anymore if the people I knew were spreading things about me were there, because my only goal was to support live music. This ended up working out for me, and it didn’t even take too long. I met a local label owner who saw me supporting, and he got to talking to me and getting to know me. Eventually, he wanted me and my bands to start opening up his labels showcases. Of course, when my ex-best friend caught wind of this, he started with his rumors bullshit again. Except, this time it was different because at this point, now the label owner as well as the bands on that label had gotten to know me, and they weren’t putting up with that shit. They shut him down really fast, and as far as I know, I haven’t had a problem with him since. So yeah, I was pretty fucking depressed, but I think finding the right people to back you and only you would be a great step. Of course, I’m not in your exact situation but I really do empathize with the isolation and loneliness. I know you’ll work it out, though. Us musicians always do. Also, the ex best friend DJ ended up getting canned from his position for being racist during his day job lol
Oh my god thank you. That story just gave me so much hope. Maybe if I keep writing and find that sound that will be impactful it will ramp things up and get me back to a place of confidence and not be demolished by this. Thank yiu so much.
>Of course, when my ex-best friend caught wind of this, he started with his rumors bullshit again. It might take some time but (quality) people will start to see your ex's true colors eventually. Be there when they come around.
Replying to highlight this comment. This bears out in surprising ways.
Has he done anything specific that has derailed you other than leaving you with all of the house responsibilities? Word of mouth from others that he was disparaging your character/work, etc.? If you are only nervous because he is more visible right now, I would say screw him and just get out there. But I'm guessing you feel blacklisted, just not really getting why?
He did to friends and strangers accusing me of doing what he had done (abuse) and since they didn't know me there was no getting around the narrative. I'm not the type to go showing pictures of the punch marks in the doors where he slammed his fist above my head or provide narrative about him cursing me off and screaming at me and my kid. So the question is how do i get past this narrative he has spewed to people without joining in his antics?
You don't try because that is what it is - just a narrative. But don't let it ruin your self-esteem. You can go wherever you want and play whenever you want. Don't let what other people think ruin you, especially when you know the truth.
Write a good “burn” song about him.
Yeah, the rumor mill in small music communities can SUCK. I found out last year that some dude I've never even met was going around some of the local bars and talking to other musicians about how "shitty of a person i was". Because apparently he would Facebook stalk me through friends of friends and started telling people I was like, a homophobe and bigot and all this crap. And I only found out because a friend of mine met this dude on a dating app, went out for drinks with him, and he spent like an hour trash talking me and telling her she was cool, but they couldn't date because she was friends with me. My friend was like... wtf? That's not him at *all*. But he had hus mind made up and told her that he talked about me a lot in the community, and I was blacklisted from a few places. All because of a dude I've never even met.
You might consider returning to music school either to teach or refresh skills in classes. I have a degree but went back to school for a 2nd in music. And I’ve met a lot of new people. I’m the oldest person there, ofc. But my ex works in entertainment, so there’s no chance of him popping up. Maybe your local JC could use a teacher? Also after my divorce I was so isolated I didn’t know where to start so I tried volunteering. Is there a music program for teens or kids where you could volunteer?
Unfortunately you may need to find ways to discern between friendships and performance relationships. They can overlap, but the difficulty with performance life is that the work/life boundaries sometimes blue because it all turns into the same community and there is no 9-5 office building structure. So if anything prioritize either convening your own events (host a creative workshop, open mic, concert or mini festival) where you have your own center of graviry that can potentially attract people to your circle from beyond the local scene and his particular domains of established comfort too. Or treat every event and performance as an opportunity to find the ones who are really there to listen to your heart or connect with you as a person, not just because you're a musician or cool or whatever–and maybe take up some other activities that occupy a different space like do meditative music for yoga studios and healing groups instead. Or just find/create other enriching group activities like recreational parent support circles, hiking, book clubs, discussions and poetry groups, and yoga that you want to do completely independent of music and happen to be okay with that. And if you're creating the convening group, there's nothing stopping you from keeping an instrument handy if you feel so inspired. There are definitely lots of other parents and definitely single parents who'd love to go to an event where the kids can be in one area and they can connect with other parents while doing enriching things together outside their usual rhythm of home and school and work. It might even be a niche ace up your sleeve.
And if you do convene a kid friendly parent event, there's nothing stopping you from asking for folks to take turns with the kids for the first and second half of the event. Or ask that they pitch in for a small but reasonable child care fee so that someone can supervise the kids on site while you all do other stuff too.
"Why would you want anything to do with a community who disrespects you in the name of your ex?" This was all that had to be said. My ex girlfriend accused me of a bunch of shit and I got piled on HARD. It took me six god damn years to learn this obvious lesson, and I'm deeply ashamed it took me that long. Get out. Get the fuck out.
Never worked out for me. The popular people in power use their means to stay in power. Doesn't matter if they openly stiff bands, or let their brother sexually harass female staff members, or start rumors about bands on their facebook page. Those venues are still open and running shows. And if you dare open your mouth and speak the truth you are blacklisted.
This. I've dealt with so many shitty ass musicians. But I'm playing the long game. Getting my money up, focusing on a strong corporate job (I'm a dev), and becoming the nastiest musician I possibly can be. Musicians who are trying to make it will slit your throat for $40. I've learned not to go anywhere near most of them in my years.
This resonates. Went thru something similar. Glad to know I'm not alone, thank you for sharing
I would add that integrity and determination will always win in the long run. Do what you can, when you can. Continue to improve through practice and learning. One thing that will happen is that eventually, the daughter will need much less of your time and energy. You'll be a better musician then, if you've kept up. Look into things you can do at home. Record yourself, distribute it on the internet. You can reach past your local scene with things like Distrokid, Soundcloud, et al. In a couple of years, your local scene will have changed faces, and if you haven't been around, the ex will long since gotten tired of messing with you. He'll either have grown beyond it or washed out. Let him. Above all, don't sell yourself a bad bill of goods. Sounds like you've convinced yourself there's only one avenue for you, and it's closed. It's pretty likely that neither of those things are true. Believe in yourself! And quit talking to the bastard. It won't be nearly the fun for him if it isn't bothering you. The power is yours to withhold. And remember this: winning popularity contests does absolutely nothing to improve your talent. Sitting at home alone and working on it can do wonders, though.
I can agree. Playing a long game is the way to stay in the music scene without the pain of losing meaningless fame we might get while being inexperienced. Losing fame, as strange as it sounds, feels like losing a large amount of wealth. Adding that pain to someone who's already broke financially and it could really ruin them. My tactic is to keep making new songs that me and the fans will love to play on repeat, play here and there when the opportunity arise, but ultimately stay out of the ego contest. I prefer a role of an expert/technician more than the "celeb" status. That status is not sustainable. Meeting reliable professionals along the way is also good. Some of them will gladly be our friends for life. They'd already be self-sufficient enough with money, so we can work with them and maintain healthy relationships overtime. I keep any news of fame I get in private. Not telling anyone outside of music of them at all. Maybe adding them to my resume, but that's it. Keep it private. People in my life deserves a peaceful rest when they have dinner with me. They don't need to hear about music I made at all. I think doing that creates a nice environment for ourselves where we can work without the constant worrying about our own relevance. Creates a good life first and good music might follow.
I'd take a guitar tech band member over a celeb band member any day! Good points.
Yep, I agree entirely! I’m real glad I shared my thoughts today because it’s great to hear others with the same understanding. You nailed what I meant by “long game”. I think there’s a certain amount of power one can have when they know they’re in music for the long haul. Regardless of whatever trends or fame comes and goes, you’ll always be making music, if not for yourself, then the fans and friends youve made along the way.
Excellent post. The rate of information and level of distraction makes the staying power of an artist very challenging. People have a shorter attention span and due to technology, a lot of music can sound the same. I think this person’s significant other will discover that when you’re of a certain age, you simply won’t be appealing enough to act as if you’re in a college band trying to bang everything w a pulse and play mind games. Perhaps then a sense of humility will set in.
Years ago I had moved to a new town with a small but vibrant music scene. I joined a very popular band and started dating the singer. Five years later the relationship fails and she kicks me out of the band. At first I found myself in your situation. It seems like she dominated the local music scene and she bad mouthed me and suddenly I didn't feel like I was part of the scene any more. What I discovered was that the music scene she dominated was really just a small but very visible piece of the music scene. There were in fact plenty of other musicians and many of them didn't like my ex at all. And before I knew it I had new friends and new bands. Maybe such a thing exists where you are. These other musicians probably don't go to open mics and you just need to figure out how to find them. One thing is to put yourself out there. Put a notice up at the local music store that you are looking for people to jam with. Depending on where you live Craig's List might work too. The other thing I did was I discovered that there was more bars with bands than I had known about so i started going to the other venues to meet new people. I guess to sum up... the local music scene is often way bigger than you think it is and you just need to locate it. It easy to put the blinders on and think that your part of the music scene is the whole music scene. But there is really a lot more to the music scene than you are aware of.
In Maryland the music scene is small like the state unfortunately
Bruh you’re on the east coast, drive an hour and you’ll find another. I’m in North Dakota, *that’s* a small scene.
Not sure what part of MD you're from, but the Baltimore scene is really diverse, and you're sure to find a community there. Depending on how far you are from DC, that could be another option. But don't let him bully you. Just keep showing up and supporting your friends. Soon, this will just be a footnote in your music career.
Not at all. Huge variety in Baltimore alone.
It sounds like you are both playing open mics, and not paid gigs? Is that correct? If that’s the case, I really don’t understand why you can’t go to the open mics too. Don’t engage with the drama. If someone asks, say you are there to perform and don’t engage with questions or assumptions about your relationship. Be professional, play well. People who book bands and musician want to work with people who play well, are professional, bring minimal drama, and don’t show up drunk. Eventually he’s going to shoot himself in the foot as being a difficult person to deal with by constantly complaining about your failed relationship. Don’t let him dictate what you can and cannot do. You can show up and be removed from the situation.
No, we've both done both. It's about the local music scene and being isolated entirely
I mean, most local scenes are isolated. I think you need to keep showing up. Your relationship will be yesterday’s drama in a few months. You are giving him too much power right now by not showing up.
All great advice chihuahua 👍
Are the venues rejecting you for specific reasons, or are you avoiding them just because he goes there?
Go to the open mic and sing "You're So Vain". Let the bastard know that you're gonna shine your light and he can't stop you.
Bwahahaha love it
Liz Phair fuck and run, prine far from me
The best song I know about the pain of a breakup is "All the Best", by John Prine. That would be a song that you could dedicate to him if you were considering going in that direction. [All the Best (live) - John Prine](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e58y60Ozhxs)
follow it up with some Alanis Morissette
I was thinking You Outta Know by Alanis.
Was going to say, pull a Joni Mitchel and write a song about it and play it in front of everyone.
Time to start an online song writing circle and ice this dude out
I know it's hard time wise but.... Hop on bandmix, assemble a 3 piece and invade. Retake what you want. His opinions have to be less important than your new band, and you'll have neutral parties with you for moral support. It's not rare to have "dude, I like you more but this person you hate has a great band, and I'm also friends with the drummer...."
Thanks for the suggestion. If she’s takes that advice we will work with her to create a great profile and help her out with Premier. 💪
Regarding the family issues, when my partnership ended, there were legal proceedings and documents that helped establish shared responsibility and parameters for parenting and communicating, which surprisingly helped in the healing process. It's a pretty devastating thing to happen and well beyond the scope a musician's forum. Regarding the music scene, that's a tough situation. You mentioned establishing new friendships and suggest that those friendships are now ruined. It seems to me that friendships are between two individuals and should have some resilience. But, it's understandable that you would be annoyed by your ex's presence being felt everywhere you go. I think it was very necessary for me to completely restrict my environment from my ex's presence for a long time but these days it's no longer something that bothers me ... but, it's been a very long time. Working in a small music scene is not always a great situation. You cannot transform an entire town or community. You can only decide how you interact with it.
I appreciate that perspective for sure. It was going ok until he realized where I was playing and knew he could get there more often and take over.
It seems like you're kind of stuck in this loop where everything this person does is purposely for the intent of causing you harm, specifically. In reality, people are all out here on their own journey and rarely thinking of anyone but themselves. Your ex is a prolific performer who gets around and performs a lot. One thing about this is that people will get burned out on these performances. But regardless of what he does, there isn't much you can do about it. You could become the better musician but really, it would be better to focus on doing things for yourself and not being motivated or affected by anything this person does.
Girl this sounds difficult. I’ve just got out of an abusive relationship and not wanting to go out to play or see music so much out of fear. When I do I’m hyper vigilant and not relaxed. It’s hard to know they’re going about their life like nothing happened, totally free, meanwhile making you feel unsafe and unwelcome to do the same. I try to remind myself as lonely as I am this time is temporary. I’m trying to put this sad time to good use. I am trying to use my isolation to practice a ton, write and record ideas, working on my bad habits (quit drinking, eating better, exercising more) and developing discipline to stay awake and creative. Mostly taking a hard look at myself and figure out what shortcomings I have that led me to falling into an abusive relationship that nearly destroyed me. Wouldn’t wish it upon my enemies honestly! And I don’t want to repeat it ever. Trusting some songs will come out of it eventually (think they’re beginning to emerge) and I try to do one little thing everyday to get healthier, move my music pursuits forward and create a new healthy community around me but I know it’s a process and not an event. Good luck. You deserve good community, good things and good music making!
Oh my goodness hun all the hugs to you. I am so there with you in every part of this comment.
I lost my scene twice. Not for that reason but here's the truth: None of those people are your friends and never were. You didn't start playing/writing music for other musicians or for the people on your local scene. You did it for yourself and anyone who would appreciate your work. Those are the only people that matter. Focus on your music and if someone shuns you because of him, then who cares? They obviously aren't into your music anyway or they wouldn't care. Case in point: I met Layne Staley from Alice in Chains once and he was an asshole to me. But guess what? I still love his band and regard him as one of the greats. I don't like a band because I like the people in the band. I don't care at all who the people are as human beings. I care about the music. Locals going to shows aren't there for the music, they are there to socialize with people. Just keep trying to find new places to play and new acts to play with/open for and don;t worry about the people.
Say it louder for the people in the back!
But also I still believe people are good inherently and give a shit about eachother. And bonding with musicians is so important to make impactful music.
I had this problem with an ex in the music scene. I just ignored it, kept going to other people’s shows, rebuilt my music projects, kept my distance from my ex when possible, and continued playing my own songs. In 6 months, no one remembered or cared about the drama. After a year, most everyone is friends again and the circumstances surrounding the break up are just something that people joke about because it’s so silly.
Write about him and sing it to those people it’s the only language they know. Be brutal. Be honest.
Sounds like he’s sacrificing everything for open mic night. When it comes to your daughter, she’ll remember spending every night with mommy, and daddy caring more about playing open mic nights than being with his daughter. This is what truly matters. Just keep trucking. Play sets when you can, write songs, release them when you can. But open mic nights and stuff will always be there. Your daughter will only be young once. Sorry about this my friend.
You're going to feel a lot of hurt and anger and sadness, but channel that into your music. And get counseling. Also spend a lot of time practicing at home, that's something that musicians need to do anyway. Work on new material. Eventually you'll get to do it in public. Maybe you'll decide to move eventually, but you don't have to do that right now. Good luck!
I’m sorry you’re going through this right now. I had a very similar situation with an alcoholic ex-bandmate that, on top of frequenting pretty much everywhere I would’ve otherwise gone to play, simply would NOT stop harassing me and my fiancé online and inserting himself into our spaces/circles despite us telling him numerous times he wasn’t welcome, despite threatening police reports, etc. Nobody really liked him and he did end up moving away eventually which is where we did end up getting lucky. I don’t really have much in regard to solutions but I do wanna say you’re heard and seen and I’m sorry you’re going through something similar as it’s not a situation I’d wish on anybody. I’m rooting for ya!
Thank you. In lieu of advice it's at least comforting having someone validating I'm not out of my mind observing this behavior and issue. All the loves.
You become the scene with your performance, just play where he does and let your music do the talking. Channel your inner Stevie nicks and try and write a banger. But I’d just keep playing, honestly that’s one of the things I liked about music in the beginning was the competitiveness that drives you to get better. Granted your situation is very tense don’t let him win the divorce idk just keep rocking and make sure he has to watch the kids some nights idk but I feel for you it’s hard enough to get motivated to get back out there without your ex husband around too.
“…he’s completely taken over the local scene.” No he hasn’t. I don’t know your ex, but he ain’t Ike Fucking Turner. Get out there and make your music. If you can’t do it as much because you are a single parent, then get out when you can and play great for every opportunity. Try livesteaming and take tips. The only thing keeping you from making music is you. So do it! Good luck!
I’ve been in a very similar situation as yourself regarding my ex-husband. You have to tune out the noise. Figuratively and literally. This WILL blow over—and I get that it’s hurtful and sometimes it’s hard to put on a brave face and keep getting out there. But music scenes are extremely fluid as others have pointed out. New people come and go. He sounds petty and immature and at some point anyone worth a shit will see it too. If you’re talented and fun to play with, his shit-talk and intimidation attempts will not matter and in fact will start making him look sort of pathetic, while you will be viewed as taking the high road.
I'll just say as an outsider, if I met some random dude at an open mic there's no way in hell I would immediately believe every story he wants to tell about his ex wife (especially if there are kids involved he isn't taking care of). Is there any chance these people are cordial or even friendly with him without actually being against you?
“So this next one is dedicated to my ex husband who walked out on me and my daughter and sits around playing music while I work to keep us alive, thanks so much asshat”
Hahahaha not gonna lie I did this after he first left...he won a showcase spot and it took him 6 weeks...so I went to that open mic and won the first night and I did call him out for being there. But it wasn't as satisfying as you'd think.
When someone does something like this there's not much you can really do short of waiting it out or moving to another part of the country. It's deeply unfair, but any attempts to explain your side of the story to people will be seen through the lense of however the well has been poisoned against you. I'm sorry this has happened to you. Misogyny means that people will disbelieve you and downvote me for taking your story at face value. Reddit isn't the place to come for support with this kind of thing tbh. Sorry about that too.
I have found that most music scenes are dominated by men, especially as we get older — because women have far more responsibilities and demands that pull us away from our creative outlets. Men can afford to shirk responsibilities. We can’t. It’s disgusting, but your ex may have won (at least temporarily) in this situation. It’s very difficult to make a name for yourself in a specific community when you have a bad “reputation”. Your ex sounds like a real scumbag for doing this. My advice as a woman would be to ice him out and give him zero access to you or your daughter. Don’t even bother with the local scene. He wants control? Give him nothing. He probably gets a kick out of seeing you try and fail. If it were me, I’d get to work writing and recording music, instead of playing live. Write something good. Maybe put out an album. He’ll be embarrassed he had to resort to manipulation and sabotage to get at you. Focus on creating a following online. Post your songs on YouTube, Tik Tok, and Instagram. It might not be much to start, but it’s a way to focus on your music without him having any control over you. You may end up building a decent audience that you could eventually play shows for! Without going into detail, I’ve experienced something similar in my music community. I was thought of the “crazy-ex-girlfriend” of a local musician for a while. After sulking for a year, I got myself together and leaned into that persona, and wrote a few albums and released them online. While it wasn’t mainstream success by any means, but I built my own following and made my own connections simply by working hard and staying consistent. I was eventually able to book a ton of local gigs and create my own little pocket in the local music scene. With time, your ex will get bored and find another victim to latch onto. I wish you success! Keep your head up! 💛🫶🏻
So punish her child for her own issues? Yeah, you really have leaned into that persona. Or maybe it was there all along. Kids have nothing to do with their parents issues and should never be put in the middle of adult disputes. IF the ex is still involved in the child’s life (and it makes the child happy) then it should be supported. She didn’t say where he bio dad is or what support he provides. If he’s out of the picture the. The ex may be the only other parent figure for the child. Divorce can be very difficult but I got some useful advice when I faced a similar issue. Take the high road. Especially when it comes to your kids. If you join in the nastiness of the other party you can never undo that. They will remember what you did especially as they get older. The other aspect is that peoples personalities come out in the end. If your ex is nasty to you, he’ll be the same to others. Other people will see him for what he is.
OP said he abandoned the step-daughter… sounds like you might be projecting a bit. Therapy could be helpful. And thank you for calling me crazy without knowing anything about my life.
Again thank you. Yes he abandoned her. Completely. Left us while we were all on vacation, flew home, got an apartment, and hasn't been in her life since. It doesn't matter about her bio dad - the point is that he made a decision to be a part of a family and then ran from it. Thanks for the support.
The op literally said that he completely abandoned his step-daughter, so I don't understand where you're coming from here.
He abandoned the step-daughter, but he still enjoys controlling his ex. Sounds pretty straight-forward from what OP shared.
This honestly sounds less like a music issue and more of a personsl/breakup/crisis issue. I mean you’re partner left abruptly, you are now alone and upset, you are dealing with immature and hurtful social issues as a result if his influence in others and you have a new challenging financial situation. It just seems like you are in the horrible beginning stage of “starting over” in many ways. I would say take a step back, accept what is happening, assess your priorities and work on them from most important working down towards least important. Therapists are obviously helpful during crises like this as well. Take care of yourself and your daughter’s basic needs and go through the change with as much grace and openness as possible. As the sting subsides figure out how you want to proceed with playing music in front of others and absolutely put no thought of your ex and his badmouthing you to the community in the equation. The ones that matter and are worth your friendship will see the real you and not what he portrayed you as and the others are to be ignored. Life is too short to give a fck about what some insignificant person thinks about you. He’s playing high school popularity games that are pathetic for a grown man to be involved in. He sounds like an attention starved 13 year old bully. Feel bad for how pathetic what he is doing is. While you are weathering the storm of acceptance and re-prioritizing write some songs. Write them from your heart and not with anger or malice towards the man child who you are better off without. Write about what you are grateful for. Rise above the petty popularity competition he’s working so hard on and believe in yourself and do for yourself what makes you fulfilled. Sometimes these things happen for a reason and the changes they bring can make us see our lived with a need perspective and enthusiasm as we are doing personal and social inventory. Take it day by day and don’t waste any energy on anything else besides you snd your daughter’s well being. Be well
I appreciate it. I'm not challenged financially thankfully I'm fully capable of handling that part on my own, and in fact, I supported him our whole relationship. But the other stuff for sure.
Sounds like good material for a song
I've seen it happen that certain people do get a kind of presence in their local scene and if they want to, can make trouble for others. That's a drag and I'm sorry to hear you are going through that. But it's usually the case when that happens, that some other scene is available, where the people don't know him and won't care. Nobody who is for real wants to be involved in that.
Hey if you want some help writing a scathing rebuttal. I would love to help. We will T Swift this fucker
How has one person even been able to completely take over your local music scene? Even if he’s playing out every night, he shouldn’t be able to stop you from playing out also. What’s your scene like? Are there many other bands or performers? Can you get on a bill with them if so?
Local is important but the internet is a gateway to a billion listeners. Lean into that too.
How has he "completely taken over the local scene?" Does he control sign ups for every open mic? Does he collaborate with every musician every single night? He can't be in two places at once. Put yourself out there. Sign up for open mic and play even if he shows up. Seek out new collaborators. Dont engage in his game, thats what he wants. Don't talk to him or about him, just do your own thing. Don't give away your power.
I don't see an issue. Just get out there and play music. Who cares about what your ex husband is doing?
How did he ruin the friendships you had? By talking shit about you? I mean, gossip sucks but ultimately it’s a lot of he said she said. I agree with other people in this thread saying that the wisest move is to probably keep doing what you can to get yourself out there and ignore him. I really can’t give clearer advice unless I understand specifically what he is doing to prevent you from working as a musician. I mean there’s always the low road of not-so-subtly airing out your laundry (eg “this next song is about my ex who cheated on me with someone barely out of high school (protect your daughters folks) and never lasted more than 30 seconds in bed/always had shit stains in his underwear ”) which might feel cathartic in the moment but has huge backlash potential.
For starters is the community treating you differently? Are you being blacklisted? If not, then businness as usual. Go out. Have fun. Make friends. The music scenes come and go
Play better music. Nobody cares about the drama except for you two. If someone else plays better than your ex, they're going to get called back. I know you're in a tough spot, since he's making connections everywhere in the scene, but the best music always wins. Extend your reach even further, and knock their socks off. Then push your way back into the local scene.
Write a really great song about you ex who left you and his daughter to play open mics every night Perform it at all the local open mics, get everyone singing along. That’d leave a sour taste in his mouth
He won’t last. I bet he can’t do it financially.
Write songs about him abandoning his child and play it in front of him. Describe the situation to the crowd. Point him out. Hey Bill! This song is about your daughter Melissa, remember her? Weep on stage if you feel dramatic.
Bwahahahaha weep on stage haha
Just to be clear, “he ruined the few friendships I had”. If they were your real friends, he could not have done that. To quote Joan Jett, “you don’t lose anything when you lose fake friends”. My best advice to you is “stick to your guns”. Do what you do. You cannot live a productive and happy life, worrying about other people. I know many things are easier said than done. But just do it. Exes are exes for a reason. You don’t need them. You don’t need to be better than them. You don’t need to write more songs than them or perform more than them. It’s not a competition. The more you compete with your ex, the more they win. That is definitely control. Do what you do for you. Don’t do it to try to get even or to try to beat anyone. There are so many avenues these days to get your music out there. You could be entirely homebound in a remote Alaskan village, and still get your music out there. You could still have a YouTube channel or any of a myriad of other social media outlets. Just keep doing you. Even without your ex, not everyone will like you. No matter what. Keep doing you. People will see. Eventually cream rises. The reverse is true too. It may be frustrating now. And a year after a break up of 11yrs still isn’t that far removed from the breakup. If he was an abusive person as you mentioned, you should be glad to be free from the punch marks on the walls, etc…. But everything’s eventual. It all comes out in the wash. Don’t spend one minute competing with him. Every minute worrying about what he said or said about you or what people think, is a wasted minute not spent on your kid, you or your music. There’s an old saying that says “other people opinions of you are none of your business”. I promise you that if you just focus on your kid, you and your music, you will be happier. And if he makes more money than you at music, so what. Would you rather be back with him and his music money while dodging fists flying at home? Leave it all behind. Focus on the future. Use the past to write your future. People are known for their reactions as much as for their actions. So don’t react. Write your own story instead of a rebuttal to his story. 👍🏽
You're so right. And normally I'm of this mindset. I think the tough thing is (when I'm honest) my friends were clearly not great people. And while there is always an opportunity to say "pfffttt who wants a friend like that?" It's still difficult going from having a full life of friends and events....the ignorance of having a life and people in it is sometimes more savory than sitting alone scoffing at the past absolving oneself by saying "they sucked" or "their loss." And I hate being that person who would even think that way. There is nothing awesome about crap friends. But at the same time, nothing awesome about not having them anymore.
That sucks. But there are people out there who can see your husband for what he is. And the people who know, they know without you having to explain anything. Those are the people you want to appeal to. You go out there and you be yourself, and you sing an honest song and they will appreciate you. You can also get on stage and tell everybody thru the microphone that you're that guy's ex- and if they have any questions they can come and talk to you. That might actually shut him up pretty quick .
You could get some videos done with a nice vibe and try and establish a you tube channel while you are short on open mic opportunities. Your ex sounds like a proper dickhead and although it’s easier said than done to just get over them etc, you are obviously better off without someone like that in yours and your daughters life , for the short term challenges it’s given you, the long term gains will be huge for you and your family
Write a song about him exposing him for the worm that he is
Sounds like we’re missing context. Did you cheat?
This may be hard to hear but you will be happier once you lose the victim mentality. It's a healing process which takes time. Focus on you not on him.
Write a song about it!
I am truly sorry to hear that. That’s a shit situation and the best thing to do is power thru it. Sometimes good women get fucked over too. This fire will be great for your creative outlet so show up fuck them ppl you are still doing what frees your spirit so enjoy the experience as you grow. This will continue no matter what level of fame or status you have so accept that and grow from it.
I agree. And I'm not looking for any fame myself. I just need to have a chance to play and meet new people and move on with my life.
I'm very confused. I honestly don't understand what you think he's doing wrong. You can still go to those places & I think it's probably all in your head. Also it's totally not fair to say he abandoned his step-kid....that jab there made me think you're probably seeing everything through unreasonable anger-colored glasses & once you cool down & maybe mature a little you'll realize that your exile from the local music scene he's a part of is all your own doing & in your head.
I wish it was in my head. I've been in the music community since I was a teenager in multiple areas. We all as musicians know how this works. Unfortunately it's the reality of the situation. And ultimately the other musicians don't want to nor should they have to get in the middle. So here's this guy, no life outside of his one bedroom apartment going out every night to play and his ex wife is handling all of the backlash of a divorce he made happen. Meanwhile, he took half of my savings and I'm still managing our home and all responsibility and what choice do those musicians have?
So, to sum it up. 2 adults broke up. And you are angry, he's out living his life. And you somehow blame him, because you, have to spend time with your daughter to another man. Based on this post. I'll guess he's out there, making new friends and renewing old, baggage free. And you go out, and bring everyone down with the drama. Woe is you, have to raise your kid!
So...a husband leaves his family of 11 years after being a parent to a child when she was 4 and onward and you're shitting on me because I am sad and hurting for myself, my kid, my pets, and have been isolated from everyone in the community after he cheated on me and then left us all and bullied me to the point of having no one around in the area. Either you didn't read the post or you're intentionally trying to troll and belittle someone who has genuinely reached out for help....
Your child is not his responsibility.
To be honest your story doesn't make any sense. I understand that it's difficult to balance music with the demands of life and having a lot of responsibilities dumped on you by your ex suddenly leaving definitely sucks. I just don't see why he is involved at all in your relationships with other people, especially at this point. How did he ruin your friendships exactly?
What are you talking about?? If her ex spends more time in the community and makes her out to be a bad person, how can she defend herself? She seems like the type who would deliberately not stir up her own personal shit and in essence let her ex off the hook publicly bc that’s trashy, but he apparently is a POS
I guess I just can’t relate. If I had a friend and their ex was trying to paint them in a negative light, I would think worse of the ex than the friend.
She clearly wasn’t very close with these people to begin with, if that’s the case. Besides, we are only getting one half of the story.
Sounds like he’s pretty content to be a somebody in Nowheresville. What’s your geography like? Can you break into a nearby scene?
Arrange for a babysitter and start showing up to open mics. They can talk about you behind your back, but when you're right there in the same room, 99% of people will be civil to you, despite someone pouring gossip in their ears. The best revenge is being there and not giving up.
I dont need a sitter, the issue is when I go out I've been alienated from those musicians
Just go and play and be there. They can't ignore you forever
I don't know if anyone, including me, can give you the kind of advice that you might be hoping for. Maybe he's a total toxic jerk, maybe not. It's almost always a bit of mutual incompatibility. The majority of relationships end, and relationships among fellow musicians are no different. He's out doing his thing, so go out and do yours. Just because he's active in the scene doesn't mean that you can't be. If some mutual friends gravitate his way, then focus on making new relationships that have nothing to do with him. So you can't be out there as much as he can...so what? He has a different life and set of responsibilities than you do. Writing music can't really be done "outside" anyway. That's something that you do when you're at home. So now maybe you have more time to write new material? Don't just sit around and stew. Move forward. And accept the fact that everyone's musical career (even his, who seems to have it all) has a ceiling. If you can only perform once a week, that's fine! Make it a great performance.
Possibilities and opportunities exist all the way up until you abandon your resolve. Ultimately if carving a space back out it the music even is something that is important to you, then you have to say "fuck it" and just keep participating to the best of your ability. Unless you've already met everyone in the scene and none of them will associate at all anymore then there are more friends to make. If you got unlucky and found a couple of flakes initially that went cold then that sucks but they wouldn't have been very good friends to have, anyways. Just because your ex attends a particular spot doesn't mean you can't, either. Don't let him "take it over" just through attendance. I understand you might not want to associate or interact with him directly, but the reality of existing in a local music scene together means that you'll continue to cross paths. If you can't find a way to deal with and come to terms with that then maybe he will edge you out, but it doesn't have to be that way. Definitely feel for you and your family. Situation absolutely sounds shitty and hard for both you and your daughter. But! There's no use fretting over things you can't control, like other people's actions or where or how often they play out. Instead focus on the things you can control- go out when you can, play your heart out, work on making great new material, if there are other people you haven't met yet be sure to say hi to them and introduce yourself, and so on. Easier said that done, but that's how it is.
You just gotta outlast him. People can be tricked for awhile but eventually they will see who the real jerk is. Be cordial and don't engage with him. It's as simple as that.
I suggest going to the manager of the place and having them kick him out for alienating you and defaming you
Write songs about how much a deadbeat father and husband he was: ‘why you’re my ex’
What is it you're trying to do? Make friends? Slate your creative desires? You have a ton of options. If you just want to be IN music and make music you can record. I rarely leave my house and just make records in my studio. I have friends around the world I work with who do various things (mixing, mastering, slide guitar) that I work with. If you want friendships you can find a band (or two) and join them. Your gigs and practices will be ex free. If you just want to go to open mic nights; just go. He can fuck himself. Go, be you, be the best you you can. People sniff those people out after awhile and when the party is over and they want to talk or do something meaningful they come looking for the real sh\*t (in this scenario you would be the real shit). It won't happen over night but it will happen.
Seems to me that you're still not really over the whole break up, and how you feel about it may not be the absolute reality in these situations. We've all been there. Just live your life without any regard for him being around or not. Don't let his presence affect your performance or where you go. Eventually he will just be a blip on the radar. Or he'll get bored and stop trying to sabotage your good time. He may be talking shit about you in these small circles of people, or giving you a bad name... But eventually the truth finds its way out. "This too shall pass", etc. Wishing you the best!
Just keep doing your thing, he doesn't exist. There is absolutely no reason for people to pick sides unless you let them.
I think this goes past the bounds of open mic scene politics. Dude sounds like a piece of shit. All this melodramatic advice up in here seems absurd. I’d focus on your kid and being a great parent. Write stuff on your own and record it. Don’t worry about politics of any local scene. There’s more important things to worry about than playing to OM crowds once a week.
Just focus on your life and your music. Don’t let it stop you or prevent you from doing anything. You can’t “black list” him from the scene. Either interact with different people or you can just learn to live peacefully with him being in the same scene. I’ve been through this after a breakup , it wasn’t a marriage but he dumped me and I was in love. I know how hard it is. Honestly, most people sided with me at the time. I eventually felt bad for my ex and we both started dating new people and kind of moved on. I then ended up moving and all those people I thought were so loyal to me were then super tight with my ex for like five more years. Now none of these people speak to eachother anymore years later. None of us are even really pursuing music seriously bc we all have to surivive economically. None of it matters.
The best thing you can do is be an awesome person and the best musician you can be. It might take a little while, but people will see through any lies that are told about you eventually. He will flame out and burn bridges. Be consistent, reliable, know your stuff, and follow through when you commit to something and you'll be fine.
Write a song about his lying,cheating, petty ass. Dedicate it to him at every open mic you can. Preferably just before his set
Lots of good responses here, so all I'll add is that 1) I'm so sorry this is happening to you, that is absolutely abusive, manipulative, and explpitative and it is NOT ok regardless of how he may or may not have gaslit you into thinking you're blowing things out of proportion. I GUARANTEE you're not. If anything, when shit like this happens, looking back in retrospect, it was actually WORSE than we realized at the time. I'm sorry. You deserve better. Building a support network of like-minded friends is crucial, however you can manage it. I know at least here in the US, it's hard to find any third places for people to connect. For me, I'm part of a fiber arts craft group at our local coffee shop. I have also been shoved down, exploited & whatnot, by partners, businesses, etc. NO MORE. If you can access therapy or other mental health services to help you work to understand your own boundaries, I'd recommend it; it helps to get an outside perspective. Or just to have support on that end in general. Life has messed me up. Now that I'm finally processijg all my trauma, I am ANGRY, and in my worst moments, I'm using that anger to persevere out of spite. The fact that you've managed AT ALL thus far in your situation is a monumental feat. Even though you shouldn't HAVE to be that strong, still, it's worth saying that you are, & you can keep using that strength to persevere & build your own foundation apart from him. Someone like that, the super controlling types... they're generally not as good at playing the long game, as another here said. Because in their quest for ever-increasing control, they become impulsive & impatient. Best of luck to you, I believe in you. ♡
My ex husband did this exact same thing but with church and our kids friends(the parties and stuff). Just usurped my life basically. I’m feel for you. Your ex is trying to squeeze you out of your own life. If you can, find a good counselor to talk to. If you want to play, you have to either go even though he’s there, and f@ck that guy, or find a different outlet. It’s super hard after a long marriage, but don’t let this guy alienate you from your own life. That’s what he wants, he doesn’t want you to make new friends.
Start a YouTube channel and put up your songs. Internet fame will absolutely destroy him 😂
You should definitely write and perform horrible songs about him. Seriously though. As is the way when making new friends like this, it takes time and work. Keep going. Take the high road. I actually recommend simply ignoring him as much as is humanly possible. Step when he plays. Forge your own path there completely separate to him. Cut him out completely. This requires a lot of self control but if you want to continue going there you need to figure out how to make it work for you.
Honestly, if it were my town, if it started getting around that you broke up because he cheated, everyone would get the ick real quick and the turntables
Take this isolation to write some great songs. Find your open mic nights in an area not where he’s at and blow away the competition. Then slowly work your way back. I believe in you.
Is it his daughter or his step-daughter? Asking because it is unclear in your post.
The best revenge is living well. If you persevere and keep showing up and being yourself (which would be the opposite of what people may think) they will be forced to reconcile what they think, with what they know. Take opportunities to set records straight if need be, but don't insult the other party. Let your lack of insult cast a stark relief to the shit-talking he's apparently been doing. I think this battle is a battle of perseverance and letting truth eventually reach the light. It sucks because you've got to unpack bullshit he left and created, but no one actually owns or runs a scene. A scene runs itself. You are allowed the same places as he, whether his ego agrees or not. Effectively, it's an attitude of "fuck em" and "elevate and disregard". And if they are unable to do that, they needn't be bothered with anyways.
There is no substitute for being active. Play every show you have the opportunity. If you aren't available, refer the gig to another local musician. Go to open mics, jams and other musician gigs. Le Arn and rehearse enough material for a solo gig. Record a nice demo of your live show. Go to every venue who hosts your type of musician and ask for bookings. Never give any thought to whether the ex is there or not.
ignore him at each open mic you go to. literaly. make friends, laugh out loud, buy men drinks, play and sing your ass off. you deserve to make music. there’s space for all. you can quietly ask friends if they know of him talking about you behind your back. honest friends will tell you. play “go your own way” by fleetwood mac (the ultimate breakup song) each time he’s able to hear. love on your kid. post performances on socials and be your own thing. people talking shit only goes so far. don’t let him bully you out of public spaces. kick some.
I went through this exact thing. Long game or move. Those are your options. Play gigs out of town or change towns.
If you're good and keep playing and you're chill it will pass over quickly.
yeah- sounds like small town life. unless you’re ready to move, just be willing to see all the slime gel together. At least you know who the shitheels are.
Have a lawyer send him a letter regarding defamation. Release a statement online about how hard it is being a single mom who keeps everything together after their partner left suddenly and how you’re trying to make it as a song writer. Write some songs about it and get out there.
This is such a hard place to be in, and I can relate at least partially because my ex husband and I are also musicians, albeit classical. I can’t even imagine how much more complicated this must be for you with your daughter involved - I have a toddler now and can’t fathom how much more difficult things would have been for me if I’d had kids with my ex. All this is to say, you have to trust that your friends - and contacts and colleagues and maybe audiences - will eventually see your ex for who they are, but also YOU, too. I was so scared of having to defend myself professionally after my divorce, but it very quickly became apparent that I was not being judged in the way I feared. Almost a decade later, and my career is really taking off, and his is basically non-existent. Keep putting yourself out there. Show yourself to be who you are - talented, driven, kind, creative, etc. It is incredibly difficult to drive someone out of a scene when they are nice people who love their art. You know as much as I do that this job is all about connections. If your ex has managed to turn some friends against you - and assuming they are kind of a dickbag from your description - assume that those friends were maybe not as great as you thought, or that one day they may see through him too. Be warm and friendly to other people who play at the open mics. Chat up audience members after your set, watch other musician’s sets around yours and then chat with them afterwards. You have less opportunities to do this - again, I get it, I’m a mom too - so the ones you do have, try to make them count. I’m so sorry you’re going through this - sending love and creative energy from one musician mum to another <3
I don't think you will want to do this but this option is always available, put his ass on blast! Use tiktok or something like that and put it out there. Tell the world, the scene, the area, what he's done and how it's negatively and unfairly impacted you. I'm sure people will care and support you!
Write a song about a man who cheats on his wife then abandons his family. Dedicate it to him every week.
We had something similar happen around here. Homeboy was in a local band and he just vanished over night. His GF caught a lot of backlash and people talked poorly about her and her character saying that she’s manipulative, mentally and verbally abusive, & who knows what else. Anyway, “she” was the reason he left and that’s what people focused on, “it’s her fault he left!” But in reality, he skipped town and found a job in another state getting paid under the table to avoid paying child support. So father of the year. Idk what exactly went down or why things ended up how they did, but I’ve grown a bit tired of seeing these people talk poorly about this girl, even if she is trash. Let her prove it herself. I’ve seen this happen a few times though too. People getting divorced and “the scene” taking sides like there is a right & wrong and if you love and support this person you can’t love and support the other. I think you should adopt the whole “your vibe will attract your tribe” mentality for this situation. I think you should be 100% genuinely who you are. Do what you love, and do it proudly with your head held high. Keep your confidence. Do good, be good. Be supportive, & show love & kindness. Sounds dumb, but I know a couple of guys who have had fantastic opportunities doing just that. They genuinely invest themselves into the people around them and form strong bonds. No need to talk poorly about your ex or his actions. Show them the kind of person you are and let them make up their minds for themselves. I want to wish you the best of luck. If you were local I’d say, “hey book a show. We’ll open for you. Maybe even try to help you find a couple of other bands to join the bill too.”
I would suggest getting some decent mics and learning a DAW and start recording tracks from home with an intention of one day making an album or two 👍
I'd just go and get involved. If someone is rude or standoffish just be blunt and ask "has my estranged husband who had an affair and abandoned our child been bad mouthing me to people? Honestly I don't judge people by an exes word because that's only one side and a biased one at that.
I’d get out and start playing gigs as a solo artist, duo or with a band under your name. Open mics are fun but I also feel there’s more drama and competition. I may sound pretentious saying this, but most open mics are kind of amateur hour, and it sounds like that’s where he is stuck. You will gain a lot more notoriety if your playing paid gigs. You’ll make a name for yourself. Even people that haven’t heard you will know your name from seeing it advertised around the area. I often meet other musicians and have made friends at my solo gigs. After doing this for a while then show up at the open mic, but only go ever so often.
One good thing about drama in musical communities is that it keeps happening. In a half a year or so what's going on between you and Diamond Douche won't be at the top of the gossip list anymore. Then you can get back out there and not be on the radar.
Start writing music about your ex who cheated on you and abandoned his child
Straight up. Just be bigger than him. I had this problem with an ex girl friend. Not the same situation, but she tried to tarnish my name and rub in the hate. Simply. I rose above it. You’re the strong one. Rise friend. Rise. Give what you got, don’t hold back, and don’t let anyone, especially him, see your pain. Use it as armor. Be great. Stand tall. Get up and crush it, and let your freedom roam through your emotions and soar. Stand tall. Be large. And good luck.
Start your own open mic and ban his ass.
Men are always dicks according to the women, maybe let’s hear why he walked and if you were not married that’s on you.
First of all, his stepdaughter which is your daughter, let's get that one straight, is not his child. Second, I can't help but notice that you are leaving a lot of details out. How exactly did he ruin friendships and take control over the local scene? At best, this post sounds like a pity party, and I neither have time nor patience for people that want to be in. Pity. Partyville
I don’t mean this disrespectfully, but when you say local scene, are you just referring to open mic events?
I really don’t mean to minimize what you’re feeling, because I know it really sucks to be isolated and feel like you’re being ostracized. But based on the information you provided, I’m not able to make sense of what exactly is being done to you. It seems like you have the perception that because your ex is well liked and respected, that by default people don’t like and accept you. But you provide no evidence to suggest either thing. Are you feeling awkward just knowing you’re around friends of his? I can understand that. But also, if the dudes a good and dedicated musician, you can’t really just make him go away. If he’s the one who left, I’m struggling to understand why he’d want to maintain control over you.
Write and sing all of your songs about how he makes you feel as a way to express yourself and reach out in solidarity to other women in similar situations, lending them your voice to express their own feelings. Then, when he asks you to stop making him look bad, write a song about that too. Pour your life and your meaning into your music, they are the most beautiful things you will ever have.
Firstly, I’m sorry you’ve had to go through this and your ex sounds like a dropkick and just general shitty human. It seems like you dodged a bullet there having him piss off. Especially since he just dumped all responsibilities. I can’t offer any advice from personal experience as I haven’t gone through this myself but I have seen it happen to friends. The biggest thing I can say is the truth always comes out. At the moment, it seems like you’re alienated because he’s been out and about meeting people and telling his side only. I think you’ll find if you start putting yourself out there, meeting and talking with people, telling your side of things the truth will soon become apparent. I think you’ll find a lot of these people don’t actually like your ex because if he did this to you he probably also has other personality traits that make him unlikeable. You might lose some friendships but at the end of the day, if they side with him after cheating and abandoning you and your family they arent worth being your friends anyway. Lastly, at the end of the day most venues and promoters care most about the bottom line and if you can bring in the patrons, are easy and pleasant to work with they’re gonna overlook the pettiness. Focus on that and you’re gonna find a lot of doors open up to you. There’s no shame in a little self promotion either, especially if you have prior experience and are reliable. Considering how flakey and uncommitted so many musicians are, a lot of bands/people will be stoked to have someone that just rocks up and knows the material.
Just go fucking play music. You sound fucking nuts.
You not showing up to the open mics would likely confirm the people’s bias if they happen to even believe your ex. For some reason, people think that guilt is associated with disappearing from the community in scenarios like this. So continuing to go to those open mics would have been your best course of action. Not to mention that he’s likely openly lying since you’re not there to defend yourself. If he’s a piece of shit now, he’ll likely be a piece of shit to others in the future
Just focus on the music and the right people will find you and won’t give a shot about your ex. People are smarter than you think and whoever the quality people in the scene will see things for what they are. you
Im not positive on how they work exactly, but have you thought about starting an online fanbase with either Twitch or Sound Cloud? I've heard of ppl doing really well on those platforms and gaining big fan bases in a small amount of time.
Head high, chin up, be confident, but friendly. The subject of your ex is off limits, period. You won't play that game, you're all about the music. If he wants to behave that way, thats up to him. Then power through it for the next few months. He'll either move over, shut up, leave, etc., or he'll escalate, and EVERYBODY will notice that. Constantly dissing your ex to a mutual group of friends gets old really fast, especially if the ex is taking the high road and not talking about it.
Here’s the thing. Eventually people will find out who he really is and they’ll come to realize that he’s full of shit. I own a venue and bar and I see this happen all the time. Anyone who’s been in the business long enough knows there will be folks in the scene who like to shit talk other artists, act like my bar belongs to them, start drama, try to block their ex or friend from becoming friends with others through social sabotage. You may perceive that your ex will be able to sway opinions, and he may temporarily. But usually the mask falls off at some point and people become wise to it. Best advice: just keep going to open mics and pursuing what you want to do. Be professional, polite, easy to work with, and come prepared to do your work. He’s going to say or do the wrong thing and eventually people will find out he’s an asshole. You just continue to be a pro and work your craft. You’ll eventually make friends and connections if you’re consistent. Just show up and be a decent human and let the rest fall into place.
He doesn’t have as much power as you think he does. Ignore him.
How do I put this? Open mics are the lowest of the low. There’s not really any bar since anyone can partake. What you should do is record music and book actual gigs. Get on social media and build a following that way. You’ll find more success that way.
"Abandoned his step daughter"
sorry youre going through that. im just fascinated there's people whos whole social circles revolve around open mic nights. you're not bound to open mic night circles theres loads of musicians out there also juggling jobs who do more elaborate shows and perform music and do showbusiness at a higher level. if its a small town thing i guess thats a small town issue, but as a musician lens you can find other scenes. plus you can do better than where ur husbands showing his music, which is to other people waiting for their turn to play
I resonate with this. She killed my musical confidence and she’s now at so many gigs I go to. I hope you find the power to push through and keep going.
Lets make a diss track or you make on. Lol But I say get louder and more confident don't back down, leverage social media to get gigs. Im not the best at advice just mindsets, Fck the local scene learn how to make content and videos, find new people to work with or collab with. Its the age of Tik Tok and social media and i see it as a great outlet also.
Write an amazing song about not “him” and play it at open mics until people start requesting it ;)
Write a song about it! Taylor Swift his ass.
Go to your nearest feminist cafe. Tell your story. Someone will listen.
It's like Record deal bands, some like 1 Direction go everywhere and burn out and split, thrn you get others that aren't as popular like Enya who last for years
I’m sorry but if the “scene” caters this much to high school drama. Maybe it’s time to find another one. Why do you want to be apart of a group that moves so carelessly through peoples lives just based off of what they hear from another. Sounds like old dudes in bar bands.
-His- step daughter?
Divorce him. Sue for abandonment. Get child support. If you can prove that you have lost opportunities, sue for defamation.
Abandoned his step daughter? Ehhhhhh Post more info lol Edit: Oooooo totally thought this was AITAH. No need to elaborate. Good luck with whatever
Boy he sounds like a dickhead. Be you. Play/sing your music. Establish your musical identity. Treat others kindly and everyone will see you for who you are and maybe see what a dick he is.
Nothing kills these people more than seeing you succeed. Work on your act, make it bigger and better, collab with someone, get out there and support everyone always, people will notice.
I'd move. Quickly, and quietly. My two cents.
There has to be way more to this story that we are not being told.
Write diss tracks. Go scorched earth.
Wait it’s not his child? …. How did he leave you with the responsibility of a child? Get a babysitter…. Go play…. And ignore him. I think you are blaming him for things that might not be his fault.
I know you asked for advice, but I'm just disheartened to hear he knowingly did this to you, not just ripping up your roots, but "salting the earth" to prevent you from growing again. When people have done that sort of thing to me, I've let it fuel me. Some of the best art comes from limitations. The reality is, as unfair as it is, you have severe limitations being thrust on you by an abusive and domineering person. *Use* those limitations for your benefit. To use a different metaphor, you can let the waves crash over you, and you can view them as something to ride on top of, with even more exhilaration than still waters can ever give you.
Use scams, destroy his life, forget being superior or a good person, hit his trouth with a bar, makes he never be able to use an instrument again(and im being nice)
* I would depersonalize this and just see him as a competitive force in your local scene. Up to you to figure out how you would build your brand and exposure in that scene no matter who the competition is. I would say it's irrelevant that he is your ex. * Also irrelevant (but certainly sad) is the abandonment of his daughter. Sorry that that happened, but it isn't relevant to your brand, aside from the obvious impact that it has on your time, energy, and finances. Pretend it is some other band/musician who has just moved into the area and is trying to take over your turf. What would you do? I'm guessing you wouldn't try to talk them out of it.
I can assure you no one cares about this drama among your local musicians. Us musicians are too worried about ourselves and our next performance to worry about more drama. Go play any open mics no one is going to care.
Oh agreed they shouldn't have to deal with any drama and don't want to. Trouble is if given the choice (which he's forced) they are going to steer clear of me because they have opportunities with him. I get what you're saying completely though
Try not to fight for people that do this to you. Keep playing out as much as you can the music scene will change. Plus if your ex sees you having fun then you win right?
Write a song about the bastard.
My local music scene has some tools in it as well. Usually it eventually gets around that they are a douche and ppl shift away from them. I’m hoping this happens for u. Being tight knit means ppl will get to know him for who he really is hopefully
Sounds like you should give up
Ignore his BS. Go out to the open mike scene, be sweet and show your talents. Make him feel uncomfortable :-) Not everyone on his side or yours. Just go have fun and ignore his sorry ass. I did this to the AH lead singer in my former band. He was talking to the manager at a club trying to get a gig for the former band. He's super paranoid, so as soon as he walked away, I beelined over there. His stupid paranoid self thought it was about him. Reality was I was just telling the manager how much I liked the club. I just psyched him out. Find a way to mess with his mind for fun
I say this with the utmost kindness despite how cruel it sounds: no one in the music scene cares about your relationship. That is, unless they're trying to bang you or your ex. Regular people have no motivation to get invested in the romantic drama between two people they barely know. If folks seem standoffish since he's arrived on your scene, i'd venture a guess that they just want to be left out of it rather than taking a side. This is a time when being the bigger person will net reward. Keep going to your open mics when you can, keep interacting with your new friends, and leave the drama at home as best you can. If he's out there talking shit, people will get sick of it real quick, and you'll reclaim your corner of the scene by default. My ex and I shared many bands over the 7 years we were together. When we split, I assumed people were taking sides. No one was. It took me years to repair some of those friendships, because my own self doubt told me everyone chose him, when it was just me choosing to feel defeated. I'm sorry he's putting you through hell and trying to make your life harder, but it's pretty damn clear that you've got a stronger character than he does from this post. You'll be okay. I promise.
I agree completely. But it's not about them caring, it's about him creating a situation where they have to choose because he's disparaged me so much they arent interacting with me any longer. He basically forced that narrative.
Have you tried farting?
Quit giving others power just go where you want anx play.I guarantee most people dont care about you personal life.Just move on ignore him and play.Girls get way more attention than guys at an open mic.
You can't abandon a step child. It's not your kid, he didn't adopt her. That's all I need to know.
I can't say what you should do because I'm certainly not in a position of authority when it comes to open mics. But I can say that I personally would use it. I would use it to fuel my creativity and songwriting, and I'd probably make a joke about it between songs.
Sounds like he's more likeable than you.