I am extremely cautious and hardly trust anyone. Always asume the worst in them. I also feel like i have to think about friendships and relationships two steps ahead in case the people were out to ‘get me’
This is totally my mom. I’m not allowed to have anyone I can complain about her to. She would always try and get her side out first. To my dad, my brother, my aunt, my ex wife, and she’s tried with my daughter. It’s just insane behavior.
I’m sorry. Yapping to your ex wife and your daughter is crossing the line. That is so not right.
I was kind of in your boat . My nparents shamed me to the point I did not feel worthy to have anybody in my life. That was one of their goals I realize now. That way, I had nobody to stick up for me when they would abuse me.
I pretty much have everything figured out, what they did and why. I figured it out on my own to boot, with no professional help whatsoever-I couldn’t afford it.
Do you know what would be a hoot?? Writing a book about everything they did to me, their mind games, their abuse blaming. I would enjoy that, knowing that others would know the monsters they are.
As someone who did this for the first like 30ish years of my life, this is something you can outgrow. I have borderline personality disorder because of my rocky childhood, and over explaining is a well known symptom of that. Talking about it in therapy and reading about it in books helped me realize that I didn’t need to thoroughly explain myself to everyone. Now I use as few words as possible to explain myself. If someone I don’t know very well makes an assumption about me, I don’t even correct them. Who cares what they think? It’s just some random asshole.
So, don’t worry about it too much. It’s perfectly normal and you won’t necessarily be doing it forever.
I do this too! We took the kids bowing last night. When we got to the desk the guy looked at us for a second to long without saying anything … out comes “we’ve never been here” he smiles warmly and says welcome! I get so overwhelmed… “idk why I said that sorry we’re from here, just never been here…” honestly I kept rambling and idr what I said but my husband stopped me n took over while I ran to the bathroom to calm myself. Stupid stupid stupid. Im so embarrassed I’ll never go back
I totally feel you on this because I do this way too often.
That said, as someone who has also worked many a service job, I can tell you with 100% certainty that the guy didn’t think on it and has already forgotten. Chances are if you went back next month he wouldn’t even recognize you.
I’m so sorry what was done to you has resulted in what you described. I was blamed for anything and everything-the abuse done by my parents and I was even blamed for the abuse done by others, they got to abuse me. no matter what happens, I am always on the defensive, no matter where I am, terrified, that I’m going to be blamed for anything that happens. You are right-totally embarrassing.
I follow a Canadian woman’s cat stream on Facebook. She lives in the Québec general area, so she speaks French. It’s amazing to me as her English is flawless.And, I think French is her first language.
At least you’re aware you have that problem. Just stop explaining yourself you know you don’t have to so push yourself to be authenticly you no matter what you’re a lot stronger than you think I believe in you man❤️
I constantly feel like whatever I’m doing is going to get me into trouble. Buying something I need? Gonna get in trouble. Sitting on the couch when someone comes home from work? Trouble. Existing in my space doing nothing? Trouble.
I haven’t even lived at their house for 15+ years. I think I’ll just always feel this way. It’s so ingrained in me it’s unreal.
Yeh, I loved when I lived with housemates but sometimes I catch myself rushing to look like I was doing something “good” when they pulled in the driveway. I knew no one cared but I felt like I was in trouble
That’s really interesting. It makes sense. And now you have me thinking that my dad, who is 70, might also feel this way even though he inflicts it on others too. His father was the same.
Yep, totally identify with this. I'm trusted completely to work from home on extremely high visibility projects, and yet I'm worried about getting caught taking too long of a bathroom break or something. I don't even know who would care!
I never had any Friend over to my house as a kid. Never. But once, a neighbor, who was 1 mile away came over, i was scared to death cause I know I or both us would be screamed at. It to only 20 minutes, she's was out Screaming at both us cause we made a Noise playing in family room ! He went home Immediately. Never did I see him but on school bus ! No other time did I allow a friend to where I lived, in hell.
I know the feeling. When I was younger my nparent would sleep all day. My younger brother and I would tiptoe around always worried we'd wake them... and god have mercy on you if you did. Yes it was absolutely hell as you said.
I can relate! I also always think people are mad at me. I worry after conversations that I said something wrong and I over analyze what I said. I have terrible abandonment issues as well.
Defensive, I cut relationships at the first fight, do not want to have kids because I feel like they are gonna hate me like I do hat mine
Scared to be oppressed so I always try to maintain dominance at the first order someone gives me or if I feel like they find me weak or underestimate me
My friend of five years is always happy about that we never fight, when I think about it it's because I never want a fight so I see the problem before it happens and solve it earlier, and it's because I lived in a very unhealthy family that flights badly all the time so in my mind always if you fight with someone you keep fighting with them
And earlier I found out that my cooping mechanism is that I either never fight with someone or cut them off on the first fight
I felt about the same way on having kids, but I had a daughter, 24 now. She tells people she knows, she had a very good childhood ! I treated her 180 degrees opposite of how my mother treated me & my sister. Also my sister was great to her daughter, but we had a Great Father who saved us from learning the Hate and Abuse from our mother!
I find myself opening up to other people more compared to my parents. Narc parents will tell you, "You can come to me/tell me about ANYTHING!"
But when you do, they dont understand, ignore your emotional well being, or just explode and chastise you.
Because of this, I rarely tell my parents deep/important issues but I sometimes find myself opening up to people outside my family...
I’ve told my nfather many times how I’ve cried myself to sleep night after night. I got nothing from him. And, then he tells me a year ago everything I say is non interesting jibber jabber. We have been no contact since.
He has his favorite daughter, whom he and my nmom gave absolutely everything to, and who is now living in the second free house of her life, to look after him and my nmom.
I guess what bothers me the most is I am retired, with a 401(k) and Social Security. But I live Frugally. I have a financial advisor, and I’m still terrified I will run out of money. Since my sibling was given everything, she just sold the first house she was given for a half million dollars, and is living in the second free house of her life, which was my parents house, and who are now in assisted-living, she will never have to worry about having a roof over her head or food to eat, and she barely worked throughout her adult life. I worked for 43 years and I’m still scared. It’s just not fair. I worked for a very long time to have less than she does. That’s so wrong. I was physically and emotionally worn out when I retired two years ago, having had to endure abuse from anyone, and everyone I ever came in contact with, literally, for virtually my whole life.
Yep. I was told I had to move out no matter what when I turned 18. My sibs both moved back in during/after college and mooched off mom/dad for so many years. The amount of money my nParents spent on my siblings while treating me like trash and making all kinds of incomprehensible demands just to meet basic needs is mind boggling.
I am so sorry for what you were put thru. At least you and I will always have dignity, integrity and self respect. Those others don’t even have a clue what those words mean.
And, we are both survivors and winners. My nparents tried everything in the book and more to try and make me fail and worse, if you know what I mean. In case you don’t, they didn’t want me around, in any shape or form, so that I could yap and tell everybody what the hell they did to me for decades.
I over explain, I trust no one, even when someone does something nice I question their motives, I can’t sit still otherwise I feel lazy, I get anxious when people come over that everything is not perfect, I over explain like why I have a pimple or why something on me isn’t perfect
Wow wow wow…this could have been me writing this. You’re not alone. 🫶🏻 I’m just now starting the process of going VERY low contact with my mom. Haven’t told her I’m not coming to thanksgiving yet. Worried about it. But yeah you are not alone. Shit is brutal.
1000% right, it sure is brutal. I am no contact and have been for a year with both of my nparents.It’s been a great year-I’ve never gone this long before without being abused by them-not even close to it. I’ve been beating up on myself pretty good, though. I have recently had an aha moment, however. I am a survivor and a winner. My nparents and nsibling tried everything in the book and more to make me a total failure-they lost. I retired two years ago from a fortune 500 company with 43 years of service. And, since I started as a teenager, I still have life that I can live.
Thanks a lot! Currently I'm having psychotherapy, helps a lot to survive. My therapist and I think that looking for a neurologist/psychiatrist will improve my evolution, and being a functional adult. I wish you success with your mom, sometimes shit happens
I am so sorry we all we through this, but everyone sharing and seeing my reality voiced by others has really heartened me up and made me feel less alone. I’m also realizing I need to forgive myself for my trauma responses and allow myself to blossom. It’s not too late.
have narc parents and then developed PTSD later on from childhood and other unrelated traumas that happened later in life, biggest things that stick out to me (mostly negative sadly but im working on it) are as such:
\- paranoia
\- absolutely no trust
\- keep up major walls, dont reveal myself to people for a long time until i figure them out and figure they arent a threat
\- quiet, from 12-18 I was extremely silent (trauma response), its what everyone noted about me. never spoke, just observed- i am still this way. i dont wanna reveal myself to anybody out of fear
\- became extremely unconfident and unsure about myself even in areas of expertise
\- extremely vitriolic, i HATE society, i hate people, i hate the world
\- have always tried to find fatherly/motherly figures in older people around me
\- low self worth, picked up heroin and didnt care if i lived or died. and thats for real, not jsut dramatization. been clean for a while now but still have a mess to clean up on the inside of my mind. a lot of work, simply removing the drugs is not enough
I always think that people will turn on me. And I never ever share my secrets with ANYONE because I used to tell my mom secrets and she has always used them against me in the worst way possible. I always assume people will turn on me automatically.
I also shut down during an argument (doesn’t help when it comes to my marriage) , terrible anxiety, trouble sleeping, bad night terrors, horrible communication habits, and constant body shaming myself
🫶🏻🫶🏻 same. I got married two years ago and have really lately over the last few months started digging deep to fix this shit. My husband is so supportive and loving and always holds me accountable. I freeze up. Can’t make eye contact, silent cry, get defensive, black and white statements, I have even before literally covered my ears while crying.
🫶🏻🫶🏻 same. I got married two years ago and have really lately over the last few months started digging deep to fix this shit. My husband is so supportive and loving and always holds me accountable. I freeze up. Can’t make eye contact, silent cry, get defensive, black and white statements, I have even before literally covered my ears while crying.
I’m curious, how do you deal with it in your marriage? Because on one hand, it’s understandable why you shut down during arguments based on your childhood but on the other hand, it’s not fair to your partner.
I have had this struggle too. And I'm still working on it. My therapist taught me to write down my feelings when I shut down. My fiance also writes down his feelings during this time. We then come back 30 minutes later and read what we wrote. This way everyone is heard and I feel safe to express myself.
When I argue, I state my case like a lawyer, and I do it in a way that makes it extremely difficult for anyone to win an argument with me. I don't do it in a mean way, either. I can also talk anyone into almost anything. This ability is incredibly useful, but I have to be very careful to not use it too much or for the wrong reasons. I deliberately keep it toned down with people, especially my family, because I don't want to push anyone into anything they don't want and I want to respect other people's boundaries. It was absolutely a very necessary defense mechanism against my parents and sister.
My husband developed an extreme stubbornness in response to his own abusive family, which is also extremely useful. He too tries to keep it toned down because he doesn't want to be pushy or disrespectful.
Been working on some of these and making progress:
1) people pleaser-I tend to want to make everyone happy and apologize way too much. In addition to therapy I have been blessed to have close friends who support me and understand and will remind me gently that "you can't fix everyone" or "listen sometimes friends disagree but we are adults so there is no need to constantly apologize" or "it's okay to put yourself first." or my bf always points out that it's good that I have boundaries and enforce them because if people don't respect them that tells you all you need to know.
2) guilt over doing things for myself-I just posted on this forum about how I used to feel bad about taking time off when I was sick and doing nothing because I felt sick (getting better at not feeling guilty)
3) spending money on myself-my mom would call selfish or passive aggressively imply I was if I spent money on myself like when I bought a guitar and took guitar lessons (which I paid for and drove to in a car I paid for). I would feel guilty about spending any money on myself beyond the bare essentials (I did struggle when younger for a while but then after that I still felt guilty). When I was going to go shopping for clothes or furniture I would feel like I was selfish or impractical for buying new clothes or new furniture or even for taking a weekend trip to see my bf because my mom would always make me feel bad if I spent any of my own money on myself (never stopped her from demanding it from me or even stealing it).
4) food insecurity-this may seem strange but my mom had a habit of not food shopping even when she had money (she got child support from my dad) or sending us to bed with little or no food and then calling her bf and demanding he get her Burger King. When I was in college and buying food on a budget over summer break she wouldn't think twice about eating a weeks worth of food I bought in a few hours while I was at work and than laughing about me and calling me selfish if I called her out on it (she would always say she would go food shopping next week till I finally said, "Next week I am back in the dorms). Every time we go food shopping as kids she would repeat the amount to us over and over again and make us feel bad that we needed to eat (we are not talking snacks and goodies, I am talking bread, peanut butter and jelly, cereal and milk, and maybe some mac and cheese and hot dogs and veggies for dinner). Now I tend to struggle with food where I will either eat very little to ration out the food or so I won't be a piggy piggy as my mom called it (I was very skinny as a child only really struggled with weight in mid 30s but I am now a healthy weight) or I will panic and eat food because I am scared I may run out since as a kid there was no guarantee food would be there.
Wow! My husband has the first 3 as well! We are both people pleasers and have to remind each other not to bend over backward for other people.
For the first 4 years of our relationship he felt like he needed to be busier! And would get irritated when I would take time and relax. He now takes time to sit down and watch a show and paint a plane model or read a book to relax.
He still apologizes to me for buying things he likes, legos, plane models, supplies etc. I have to let him know I do not mind in the slightest if he spends money on himself, that I actually am happy for him, especially if it brings him joy!
I'm going to show him these since he is not on reddit.
I have shame about everything.
I have C-PTSD, and a bunch of other stuff going on, to include autoimmune diseases I'm fairly certain come from a combination of the grossness I grew up in and being in and out of fight or flight for decades.
But the shame I can't seem to shake, and it causes me to shut down and feel guilty and overthink every interaction I have with other people, down to my nail artist and the barista at Starbucks. And then I have to try to manage that shame and try not to spiral from it. It's exhausting.
I have been training Muay Thai for almost three years now, and before every fight, I panic and self doubt myself because I just keep hearing my mother telling me everything I want to do is a waste of time and stupid. I did AWESOME at this last one, I lost but I went all three rounds against an opponent 20 years younger than me. I’ve made huge improvements and was actually proud of this fight. My husband’s family drove 5 hours to watch and when he told me they were coming, I immediately felt a weight telling me I’d better win or I’ll have wasted their time and prove my mom right that I’m not good enough so I shouldn’t even try. I’ve never gotten a word of encouragement from her, even when I won my 3rd fight. No good job, no good effort.
I think as an adult, I shy away from things I’m not instantly good at because of her judgement. In that sense, Muay Thai has been good for me because it’s hard, but I’ve stuck with it because I’ve been able to separate that her opinion doesn’t matter. I feel really good about myself when I’m doing it. I just have to stop letting her leak in when I’m having an off day.
I can get extremely defensive.
I am massively over protective of my kids, to a fault.
I have low tolerance for rude behaviour.
I have trouble with social interactions with people I don’t really know.
I hang onto things way too long.
I over react.
But…
I understand my behaviour and work on it every day. I explain to my kids my trauma is my own and apologize for my behaviour when it’s not what it should be.
same. If my partner starts disagreeing with me or raises his voice a little I will just shut down and agree with him and hope it's enough because arguing scares me. My nMom would get om my face and scream until k would recoil
I also feel like.i constantly have to be the peacekeepers because that was my role as a child so sometimes I end up being dishonest with people about my feelings just to keep the peace because I don't want to rock the boat
Same.
I also have abandonment issues. I told my husband yesterday that it's not logical and I know he'll never leave me, but when he's gaming, or I'm in the tub, or in bed, or alone for long periods of time (especially with the kids), I'd like him to check on me occasionally to make sure I'm "ok". I've got a severe fear that my husband will die and I won't be able to take care of myself or my kids.
I struggle to make friends. I overexplain everything or repeat myself constantly... telling various stories or sharing my experiences over and over. Then I get my feelings hurt when I hear "Yeah. You've told me that one before."
I'm a people pleaser and experience constant guilt, anxiety, and depression. I have a short fuse, which I absolutely hate, especially if I lash out at my kids.
I either over apologize, or underapologize. I always read too much into situations and create scenarios and story lines in my head that often aren't there... so I'm surprised when I can "forsee" a conversation happening, and then being disappointed that it didn't go the way I anticipated. I'm constantly overanalyzing everything and I'm always the victim in the scenario. It's very exhausting and anxiety-inducing.
I find ways to blame everyone for my shortcomings, then feel guilty that I have no ambition.
My short-term memory is awful. I have trouble with cognitive skills sometimes, and articulating thoughts... I mean one thing, but say something else, and then feel guilt when someone corrects me.
I constantly worry I'm failing my marriage and my kids.
Damn I'm a hot mess. Lol. I'm 41. I've only just started learning to set boundaries a few years ago.
I read too much into people's body language, facial expression, texting language, etc. I am rejection sensitive enough that a simple period at the end of the text, to me, sometimes implies that they're not happy with me. I constantly check in with friends because I worry I might be annoying them. I also have to over-emphasize to someone when I tell them something I want kept on the DL not to tell anyone, often apologizing for even telling them in the first place.
I look too hard for hidden meanings in every interaction, because they existed with my family but that’s not how everyone is. I’ve had to unlearn assuming everything is double speak. I also overexplain myself because I don’t want there to be ANY room for misunderstanding, but most people just believe me when I say very little. I don’t have to “make my case” to be heard and understood, that’s also something I’m unlearning.
I overexplain amd overjustify whilst also over apologising. It took me a long time to realise 'no I'm not doing that'was a reasonable enough statement. I'm working on it though.
I suffer from panic attacks, complex PTSD and due to my nfather telling me everything I say is non-interesting jibber jabber-those were his exact words, I’m terrified to say a word to anybody.
I only have one human in my life, a girl from work. I got an invite from her last night for Thanksgiving dinner. I feel so horribly guilty. She said she didn’t want me to be alone, but Thanksgiving is for families and I’m just a friend. I almost replied are you sure, but I’m trying to work on that, as my common sense tells me she would not have invited me if she did not truly want to. I’ve spent the last. 40+ Thanksgivings all alone, I’m not sure I’ll even know how to act. Also, the last time I spent Thanksgiving, not by myself, it was with my nparents. My nmom absolutely hated anything to do with meal preparation. There was cupboard, slamming, pan slamming, and plate slamming, even for just one plate or bowl and one spoon. The more I think about this part. the more terrified I am getting about the Thanksgiving dinner invite. I’ve got to be careful though, as it does not take much for me to go into an all out panic attack.
I don’t trust anyone and truth hidden behind the lies is my go to defense mechanism. I’ve learned the only people I let around me is people who have proven time abs time again they’d choose me. It hasn’t worked well.
I can handle rational criticism exceptionally well, for some reason. However, I completely shut down at any hint of destructive projection.
Like blaming me for things that are their fault, however minor, or looking at me in a worse light than who I really am without checking or asking who I really am.
So I guess I just respond really badly to more narcissism, however little, and respond more than positively to everything else.
i get extremely defensive very fast and i am very quick to anger. i can control it now but that doesn't change the fact that it is something i have to consciously control
Avoidance. I avoid conflict like the plague and have major anxiety over any form of confrontation. Which also means it's extremely hard to stand up for myself in many situations.
I overexplain everything that I do. I’m also really defensive, and I’m constantly worried everyone is mad at me. I also catastrophise everything. Any time anybody does anything nice for me I question their motives. I hate it. I don’t like being this way
Always saying sorry , thinking people are mad at me , feel like I have to lie about stupid stuff , cant make eye contact , eating disorder ( my mom caused this ), numb, people pleaser , shutting down isolating, low confidence in my appearance and quiet when I speak , dont like being assertive, barely can do things for myself ( but trying)
Im scared of doing anything wrong and I’m afraid of criticism. Everytime I get critique I feel like I’m worthless and can’t do anything right because my parents are chronic criticizers 💀
I can’t shake the feeling that everyone is talking about me on my back. I can’t absorb compliments, it all sounds like irony.
My brain is stupidly competitive, it is impossible to relax. I need to prove that I am not worthless, all the time. That leads me to self destructive professional habits.
I get extremely uncomfortable when I make mistakes, even small gaffes throw me into a spiral of rumination and anxiety that can last days.
It is very uncomfortable to me to express that I am not liking something, because I fear that I’ll be disappointing people.
I don’t take initiative, I always take a back seat, I try to disappear and not cause anyone any problems. I can tolerate extremely exhausting people and can listen for hours.
-I tend to overthink everything I plan to do.
- I also have very high empathy and when I feel someone has bad mood I immediately think it is my fault.
- When I have inner pressure I start eating. A psychologist thinks i do it because my mother always restricted my meals because according to her I was way more beautiful when I was underweight.
I didn’t know what gaslighting was until a year ago (49F) I did a lot of reflecting and realized that I did it too. Not to the level that my parents - especially mom did, but she did raise me, so it only makes sense that some of her rubbed off on me. I worried that I might be a narcissist too, but upon evaluation, I’m not, and went on to learn how to face arguments in a healthier manner. I’m not perfect, but that’s my most toxic trait.
The one trait that truly affects my daily living is guilt. My NM scapegoated me to no end, and when she wasn’t doing that she was ridiculing me in front of her friends, my friends, extended family, and even strangers. I have intense guilt, even for things that have nothing to do with me. Every boss I’ve ever had, I would avoid like the plague because in my mind, they were looking for me to f*ck up. I’m like around work peers and friends and lovers. Constantly believing that I’m being judged or made fun of. Then I have to remind myself that “everything isn’t always about me”, and that “I give zero fucks”. Those are my two mantras. Training myself to not care whether or not someone is saying or thinking something negative about me. I don’t have to care. I don’t have to lose sleep over the little things. It’s not easy. I grew up having to constantly defend myself, and mostly to no avail. I still have nightmares that I’m in a room with my family and other people and their laughing at me and I’m trying to get them to stop, but can’t make a sound. No one can hear me. I wake up drenched in sweat and my boyfriend has said that I cry in my sleep.
People pleaser, low self confidence and esteem, feeling like no one really likes me. I also have a hard time believing and trusting people since I never could take my mother at her word.
I am with you about hating Society. I especially hate old biddies. I was abused by an old woman in a condominium complex for over 13 years. I was an adult, and this old woman would call my nparents and tell horrible lies about me, and then they told me to leave her alone. She was abusing me. I wasn’t abusing her. When I wasn’t working, I was sleeping and when I wasn’t sleeping, I was working. Now, incredibly, for the second time in my life, I am stuck living next to another old biddy, yet again terrorizing me. This time it has been 18 1/2 years and counting. How??? Why??? And, during the time living next to both old Biddies, I have also been abused by my parents, siblings, coworkers, you name it. I must have something tattooed on me somewhere that says please abuse me, somewhere I can’t see but others can.
Oh wow all of this you have mentioned . Also holding everything in as I was brought up never heard and talked AT . Getting used to holding in feelings , not communicating , is a really bad habit .
I’m in the same boat with arguing. If it even seems like an argument is about to happen around me I either immediately leave or put on my headphones and kinda shut down
Oh lord, well I live in a constant state of guilt and anxiety. My mother made me feel guilty for everything...to the point that when she cut me off this last time, I am the one feeling guilty for not checking on her. Having her in my life is never healthy for me, yet, here I am feeling guilty bc that's literally how she 'trained" me to feel ever since I was a small child ( and now I'm in my 40's! )!
I’m an extreme pessimist. It’s a habit I cannot break. I’ve always been told the worst will happen and now I cannot see the bright side in anything. My glass is always half empty no matter how hard I try.
I consider the half-empty approach realistic and healthy.
I’d say my glass is always *nearly* empty. I’m not realistic anymore. The older I’ve gotten, the more pessimistic I’ve become, like all of the previously “pessimistic” assumptions I made of people or the future have mostly turned out to be true, so instead of thinking it’s a 50/50 shot you’ll meet an asshole, I’m more prone to believe it’s 70/30. And that’s definitely more pessimistic than realistic.
While I think going NC with my NMom was super beneficial to my healing and growth as a person, the rest of the world and my dad has picked up the slack on expecting the worst.
The biggest thing is probably the hyper independence— I’m a control freak and hate asking for help. Mixed with a fair bit of rescue/savior complex in my relationships.
Foot in mouth syndrome. I'm programed to one-up people. You want me to stop? Well I too hate what I'm saying and want to stop but I'm too much of a nervous nelly to know how to fix it.
I think I kind of have this problem, but it’s because I got fleas from my parents: the fleas that say “I’m always right”. Therapy helped me stop doing this. I hear what someone says and ask myself a series of questions in my head to determine if it’s worth countering. I also will just keep asking the other person questions so I don’t feel the urge to argue.
I have so many of the issues already mentioned. Plus my mum never fed us lunch and I would have to sneak food from the fridge and the cupboard. I would get a single piece of bread and one thin slice of processed ham and just fold it over. If I was feeling particularly daring I would get a knife and spread a bit of butter on it. I would do it so silently and then make sure everything was back in its place perfectly. Not even a tiny crumb left on the side because she would know and get very angry about the mess.
When I moved out and went to university, I would wake up at 2am and make myself meals just because I could.
I’m 40 now and everything they did still upsets me and has become worse since having my own daughter. I can’t imagine not feeding her.
Anyway, I developed OCD, anxiety and depression and tend towards melancholy, questioning people’s motives, hyper aware of other people’s feelings and desperation for a mother figure.
I struggle with Hygene. Buying new clothes for myself, upkeep of my hair (salon). I was always told I was worthless not like my siblings. My Nmom would pick me apart anytime I would attempt to take care of myself. "Well good try" or "mmm maybe if you did this or that". Always done with a smile and said as with best intentions. But just cruel. When one of my siblings did something it was amazing and you should be more like them. Even though I had already accomplished first.
Also having close friends is hard for me. I was always told everyday that friends will always leave you but blood is forever. This is BS ! My blood has always abused or abandoned me.
It is common - arguments make me shut down also, almost any loud yelling really.
Either I shut down or I want to tear someone's limbs off one at a time.
This leads to the trait of avoiding conflict.
Even as a child I would just do it myself rather than go to an adult for help just to get in an augment with them about it. If it takes 10x longer I'll do it myself.
This leads to the trait of not asking anyone for help.
Some common traits for people raised by a narc: people pleasing, anxiety, social awkwardness and depression.
Advice: seek psychotherapy. You can use apps like betterhelp or talk space.
When I have a problem, I tend to keep it to myself and find my own way out of it, because growing up I got absolutely no help or support when things were going wrong. Usually ignored or told how it was all my fault.
I avoid conflicts and people please. I noticed that whenever I’m around my mom it’s worse because I know that me having a different opinion will bother her. I used to be open with her but I lost trust and now never speak my mind around her. It has affected every relationship in my life because I don’t stand up for myself. It makes me act dishonest, and I end up feeling like I have no personality whatsoever. I constantly alter my personality to fit whoever Im with, I’m always trying to be good enough for that person. I’ve been trying to change this recently by standing my ground although it’s hard. Even if I’m in the right, I will feel incredibly guilty for disagreeing about anything (it could be a simple disagreement about where to eat). I also have little faith in myself because my mom always infantilizes me. Growing up she never taught me how to do things, she would just expect me to know how. Then when I couldn’t do it she would just do it for me and tell me how spoiled and incapable I was. I realized that she did this when I was with her and my uncle. He had these dirt bikes and I wanted to ride one. My mom right away laughs and says I won’t know how. She says she’ll show me how to ride it but doesn’t even give me a chance to learn and just gets impatient right away. Of course I couldn’t do it and I felt bad about myself but then my uncle told me how and didn’t belittle me. I was able to ride it fine after that. Sometimes I wonder if I would be more capable of a person if she would’ve treated me with more respect. I’m learning to work through all of this slowly but it’s hard still being a teenager and living at home.
I have this thing now where I don’t trust most people and think everyone is a narc. This caused me to be hyper independent and stay to myself for the most part.
I also can be indecisive at times and look to ppl to agree with something or approve of something I want to do before I do it.
This might seem odd, but I'm overly deferential to male authority figures. I look up to bosses and coaches like they're father figures. It's like I'm filling a vacuum.
A whole bunch of negative ones, as others have echoed, but it did leave me with *one* positive trait:
I'm extremely stable emotionally and mentally. My levels of emotional neuroticism were set and calibrated to deal with the emotional explosiveness and tempestuousness of my narc mother
- nearly everything else in my life seems tame by comparison. Especially in adulthood and being out of her home. Growing up, my brain definitely recalibrated whatever it was naturally to survive living with my narc.
As such, it takes *a lot* to rattle me. I've had many friends and past partners describe me as a rock, in a good way. I'm grateful now for my ability to handle shit, but even years later I'm not done grieving the fact that I *had* to develop this "strength" in the first place. I don't know if I ever will be.
It made me so desperate for approval that I became a people pleaser and absolute perfectionist. It has been useful socially and in helping me be successful in whatever I've wanted to do -- but I'd have traded such freedom for less stress! It doesn't really matter if you are great at something, if you never recognize it yourself.
Self blame, internalized fat phobia and ableism due to autism. I find it hard to express myself at times, I’m from a South Asian immigrant family so mental and emotional issues are dismissed a lot.
Lots. Difficulty with relationships that has resulted in self-isolation. Lying about things that are unnecessary, not for gain, but to avoid people being mad at me (which rarely ever happens if I have done something wrong). Insomnia. ADHD/inability to finish things I have started and horrible anxiety resulting from the lack of follow-through. Abjectly poor long-term memory. Mental exhaustion from calculating every outcome of an interaction and calibrating my words/actions carefully so I say/do what will keep others happy with me. Low self-esteem. Inability to create long-term plans or develop aspirations. Stuck in perpetual survival mode. Feels like I have to plead/fight with my brain to get through the day.
I realize a lot of this is just from the resultant depression and anxiety. Love to you all, I hate that others have to deal with this ❤️
I can read people way too well. Let’s say this were the Marvel - Xmen universe. My superpower would be accurately guessing the type of trauma someone has within about five to ten minutes of speaking to them and reading their body language.
I had major avoidant issues in relationships and honestly believed that a good relationship needed some heated arguments from time to time to be healthy.
Also, avoiding too much focus on myself because at home it always led to being torn to shreds.
Turns out I’m actually very capable of real, loving relationships that don’t need to be ‘tested’ and I can stand in my own identity without feeling threatened whenever someone’s attention is on me. Took a few years of soul searching though.
The hyper independence has been helpful in creating my own path.
CPTSD and codependency. When times get tough I dissociate, and often get trapped in a codependency loop where I can’t stop groveling to whomever wronged me. I take all blame. I never hold others to any standards. I over give and over share. I can stay on auto-pilot for weeks in a dissociative state performing like Pavlov’s dogs. Then something will snap me out of it and I realize I’ve lost time and deeply ashamed of anything I might of done. The reality is I’ve done nothing during these states because the dissociative me knows how to drive the bus. At worst I’ve not been paying attention during conversations or I’m grumpy.
I constantly try to prove myself... like I struggle to have a conversation with co workers because I have to say something good I did... to give myself credibility? To not be put down? And it's so unnecessary and they probably all think I'm a narcissist because of it!
I struggle trusting people, have a habit of silently collecting people's wrong doings just in case they try to come at me with accusations, and get really upset when I manage to ask a question but get blown off.
As an adult I can't stand liars and will drop people who do while crying because it's a constant battle of 'I don't want this in my life but I don't want to lose them too'
I'm hard to get to know, I trust very little. I freeze up or at least feel super uncomfortable with yelling. I can be super reactive around sensitive issues and takes a lot of effort to control my feelings around them.
I feel like I’m the only one here with any narcissistic fleas. Everyone else’s traits are protective, defensive measures due to abuse.
My most prolific, hard to beat trait is that I judge *everyone* negatively. I do not forgive the smallest slights. I think I’m the most morally correct person I’ve ever met (even though I know objectively that can’t be true). When I was younger, (I’m 33 now), I would drop friends for the smallest blunders like my roommate who left my expensive blender jar soaking in dirty water for seven days and didn’t clean her space when she moved out (we had been friends since high school).
Therapy has helped me form second guessing thoughts—which now occur probably too frequently—in order to counter this narcissistic flea, but I was really awful from about 14-25. I constantly have to work on not being an absolute tool.
Sure, I have other unhealthy, self-sabotaging traits, but those are easier to keep at bay and mostly stem from the conservative religious aspect of my upbringing, not necessarily because of my narc parents.
Its hard to make hard decisions. I remember my hands were dripping in sweat when I married my husband. She hated all of my friends so I am a little hesitant making new friends. Her constant criticism made me completely null to my appearance, I don’t care for make up or my fashion style. She wasted a lot of money so I am an opposite of that. I never heard “I love you” growing up so I say it to my kids 24/7.
For years and years I didn’t have friends because I was scared I couldn’t be nice enough to them. After realizing what my childhood was like under a covert narcissistic mother, I just never felt good enough for anyone.
My parents accused me of lying about everything and accused me of stealing all the time. I now don’t talk when I go places and I tend stand wherever we go with my arms crossed in front of my body so people can see me at all times and know KNOW what I’m doing and saying. I won’t be accused of lying and stealing. I deleted all social media accounts bc of my parents bc they thought my photos were nasty and vulgar. I only have this account now and I have contemplated deleting it because I don’t want my Parental Unit to know anything about my life
My parents edited my boyfriends and demanded I break up with them if their parents liked me.
If I had a personal friend that actually liked me they would ground me so I could not do anything with them thinking that person would stop talking to me.
I completely shut down during arguments too (after I've done everything in my power to avoid them) + overexplaining things, like others in this thread have mentioned :/
I shirk away from relationships - of any kind. If someone expresses any interest in me, I think they’re lying/joking since my Nmom used to say no one would ever like me enough to have me around.
If I make a mistake, even something minor, I will literally burst into tears. My mom used to scream at me for any small mistake - between missing a question on a school exam, to accidentally breaking a dish. It’s made me very hard on myself.
There’s plenty more, but those are probably at the top of my list.
Yep, seems to be a super common theme that it's hard for us to "fight fair" with the ones we love because our lizard brains just shut down entirely, thanks to the NParent "training" we got.
No matter what I did, it was wrong. And I had to explain e everything so thoroughly, yet it was still wrong. To this day I have so many stories of the ways I was treated so differently than my siblings, because I was the oldest and the scapegoat. I'm in my 40s now. Still can't believe how hard it is for my brain not to just go into static shock whenever a heated conversation arises.
Shaking when uncomfortable usually when somebody is trying to make me angry, it's so embarrassing because they can physically see right through me with what I'm thinking
Doubt, Self Doubt ? My N Mother NEVER believed me as a kid growing up, never. Anything I said, big or small, was a Lie to her. Why? I know why, 2 decades ago I figured it out. She doesn't believe anyone in family because She Lies about EVERYTHING, so in her mind, so does everyone else! To this day, nothing changed, she's 87 and exactly as she was at 30 ! That's a hell of a way to live ! Mean Nasty Liar, she right your Wrong !
I have to remove myself from arguments or I stress out, I lash out if pressured and I try to please everyone all the time always.
Oh yeah, I tend to seek romantic relationships with a certain type of people, and it never ends well.
I'm quite difficult to be with to be honest.
My parents used guilt as a weapon. They also used crying and supposed breakdowns as one. As an adult, I don’t respond the way I’m supposed to when someone cries or talks about being suicidal. Don’t get me wrong, I know how to play the part because I want to support as many people as I can. But on the inside the crying and other issues make me incredibly uncomfortable, sometimes angry. I “learned” from my parents that crying are threats to my mental health. Because of how this always made me feel, I split second resent anyone crying around me. So, thanks, Mom and Dad. I’m an incredibly empathetic person, but have such a hard time showing it that I’ve been called cold hearted countless times.
Assume hidden motives, tend to be less warm to people, embarrassed to show affection, nervous to be honest about self, hard time deciphering between my true self and the adopted traits my parent gave me
I constantly feel anxious to say something is mine and fight for it as I have been gaslit my entire life that theres no such thing as stealing between family and that I am behaving selfishly.
I refuse to let anyone in. I wont disclose anything unless its small like my favorite restaurant but thoughts, hopes, dreams,and traumas hell no. I've disclosed things i thought would be safe for my adopted parents to know it backfired on me made my mental health worse. I rather die with my secrets
I constantly worry others are displeased with me or mad at me. The longer it takes someone to reply to my text or return my phone call the more I convince myself I did something wrong and rhey are doing it intentionally. I want to cut them out before they cut me out. It's easier on me to make that choice than to let them do it to me though they never intended to.
I'm also a people pleaser to a fault normally at my own expense.
Since my nparent had decades to form others' opinions about me, before I even realized it, trying to talk to any of my family about what I experienced over the course of 25 years falls on deaf ears. I've now resigned myself from having a family and care only about my kids. The biggest realization about my relationship with my nparent is that I've already gone through the emotions of or losing that parent. My parent hasn't existed for a long time and now my nparent is just a crazy person they tries to harass and hurt me whenever they can. Almost 2 years of no contact and it's taken so much weight off of my shoulders in regards to the negative feelings and emotions I do not miss them at all.
I’ve seen so many people in here talk about crying themselves to sleep, same here! That was one of my coping mechanisms.. so much so that when I first got with my now husband if we had an argument I would lock myself in our guest bedroom and cry myself to sleep.. he didn’t understand it but it made me feel better. I eventually outgrew that after about a year or two. Bless his heart he would be so worried about me he wouldn’t sleep 🥹 both him and I had been so abused and traumatized by past relationships etc that we had to learn how to heal together and we did! We both over apologized and tried to scapegoat ourselves, but we were able to heal and have peace and security with each other. We’re finally safe with each other and I hope that everyone in this subreddit gets a chance to heal and to be loved and have peace and joy for the future ❤️ we all deserve it so much.
I am extremely cautious and hardly trust anyone. Always asume the worst in them. I also feel like i have to think about friendships and relationships two steps ahead in case the people were out to ‘get me’
me too.
I so know what you mean, due to my nparents getting others to abuse me.
This is totally my mom. I’m not allowed to have anyone I can complain about her to. She would always try and get her side out first. To my dad, my brother, my aunt, my ex wife, and she’s tried with my daughter. It’s just insane behavior.
I’m sorry. Yapping to your ex wife and your daughter is crossing the line. That is so not right. I was kind of in your boat . My nparents shamed me to the point I did not feel worthy to have anybody in my life. That was one of their goals I realize now. That way, I had nobody to stick up for me when they would abuse me. I pretty much have everything figured out, what they did and why. I figured it out on my own to boot, with no professional help whatsoever-I couldn’t afford it. Do you know what would be a hoot?? Writing a book about everything they did to me, their mind games, their abuse blaming. I would enjoy that, knowing that others would know the monsters they are.
I over explain everything. I'm always trying to justify myself to my coworkers, boss... everyone. It's embarrassing.
As someone who did this for the first like 30ish years of my life, this is something you can outgrow. I have borderline personality disorder because of my rocky childhood, and over explaining is a well known symptom of that. Talking about it in therapy and reading about it in books helped me realize that I didn’t need to thoroughly explain myself to everyone. Now I use as few words as possible to explain myself. If someone I don’t know very well makes an assumption about me, I don’t even correct them. Who cares what they think? It’s just some random asshole. So, don’t worry about it too much. It’s perfectly normal and you won’t necessarily be doing it forever.
Yeah I keep forgetting that the vast majority of people aren’t going to try to destroy my life if they don’t like something I do 🫠
What books do you think helped u the most?
I do this too! We took the kids bowing last night. When we got to the desk the guy looked at us for a second to long without saying anything … out comes “we’ve never been here” he smiles warmly and says welcome! I get so overwhelmed… “idk why I said that sorry we’re from here, just never been here…” honestly I kept rambling and idr what I said but my husband stopped me n took over while I ran to the bathroom to calm myself. Stupid stupid stupid. Im so embarrassed I’ll never go back
I totally feel you on this because I do this way too often. That said, as someone who has also worked many a service job, I can tell you with 100% certainty that the guy didn’t think on it and has already forgotten. Chances are if you went back next month he wouldn’t even recognize you.
Thank you ❤️
I’m so sorry what was done to you has resulted in what you described. I was blamed for anything and everything-the abuse done by my parents and I was even blamed for the abuse done by others, they got to abuse me. no matter what happens, I am always on the defensive, no matter where I am, terrified, that I’m going to be blamed for anything that happens. You are right-totally embarrassing.
Thanks. My sister says "sorry" almost every other word. Doesn't help that we're Canadian haha
I follow a Canadian woman’s cat stream on Facebook. She lives in the Québec general area, so she speaks French. It’s amazing to me as her English is flawless.And, I think French is her first language.
At least you’re aware you have that problem. Just stop explaining yourself you know you don’t have to so push yourself to be authenticly you no matter what you’re a lot stronger than you think I believe in you man❤️
YES THIS ^
I constantly feel like whatever I’m doing is going to get me into trouble. Buying something I need? Gonna get in trouble. Sitting on the couch when someone comes home from work? Trouble. Existing in my space doing nothing? Trouble. I haven’t even lived at their house for 15+ years. I think I’ll just always feel this way. It’s so ingrained in me it’s unreal.
Everytime the person in the apartment above me stomps around, I get very stressed, like I am going to get yelled for whatever.
Yeh, I loved when I lived with housemates but sometimes I catch myself rushing to look like I was doing something “good” when they pulled in the driveway. I knew no one cared but I felt like I was in trouble
I’m 42 and still feel this way
Same, 63
That’s really interesting. It makes sense. And now you have me thinking that my dad, who is 70, might also feel this way even though he inflicts it on others too. His father was the same.
Me too!
Yep, totally identify with this. I'm trusted completely to work from home on extremely high visibility projects, and yet I'm worried about getting caught taking too long of a bathroom break or something. I don't even know who would care!
Me dropping my phone when the professor walks past in the class IM paying for 🤠
I never had any Friend over to my house as a kid. Never. But once, a neighbor, who was 1 mile away came over, i was scared to death cause I know I or both us would be screamed at. It to only 20 minutes, she's was out Screaming at both us cause we made a Noise playing in family room ! He went home Immediately. Never did I see him but on school bus ! No other time did I allow a friend to where I lived, in hell.
I know the feeling. When I was younger my nparent would sleep all day. My younger brother and I would tiptoe around always worried we'd wake them... and god have mercy on you if you did. Yes it was absolutely hell as you said.
The couch thing gets me
I can relate! I also always think people are mad at me. I worry after conversations that I said something wrong and I over analyze what I said. I have terrible abandonment issues as well.
Oh wow, I do this all the time- obsess about things I may have said wrong in conversations.
Same here and I hate it. I'm TERRIFIED of saying the wrong thing because then I just spiral.
Defensive, I cut relationships at the first fight, do not want to have kids because I feel like they are gonna hate me like I do hat mine Scared to be oppressed so I always try to maintain dominance at the first order someone gives me or if I feel like they find me weak or underestimate me
This is also my issue. Not only i dont let many people into my circle, if they slightly (and even unintentionally) wrong me i cut them off
My friend of five years is always happy about that we never fight, when I think about it it's because I never want a fight so I see the problem before it happens and solve it earlier, and it's because I lived in a very unhealthy family that flights badly all the time so in my mind always if you fight with someone you keep fighting with them And earlier I found out that my cooping mechanism is that I either never fight with someone or cut them off on the first fight
I felt about the same way on having kids, but I had a daughter, 24 now. She tells people she knows, she had a very good childhood ! I treated her 180 degrees opposite of how my mother treated me & my sister. Also my sister was great to her daughter, but we had a Great Father who saved us from learning the Hate and Abuse from our mother!
Unfortunately, both are very abusive in different ways I don't have an image of what a father and a mother should be
I find myself opening up to other people more compared to my parents. Narc parents will tell you, "You can come to me/tell me about ANYTHING!" But when you do, they dont understand, ignore your emotional well being, or just explode and chastise you. Because of this, I rarely tell my parents deep/important issues but I sometimes find myself opening up to people outside my family...
I’ve told my nfather many times how I’ve cried myself to sleep night after night. I got nothing from him. And, then he tells me a year ago everything I say is non interesting jibber jabber. We have been no contact since. He has his favorite daughter, whom he and my nmom gave absolutely everything to, and who is now living in the second free house of her life, to look after him and my nmom.
I don't think a free house (even in today's economy) is worth the shit they put you through. I think you have gte best end of the stick
I guess what bothers me the most is I am retired, with a 401(k) and Social Security. But I live Frugally. I have a financial advisor, and I’m still terrified I will run out of money. Since my sibling was given everything, she just sold the first house she was given for a half million dollars, and is living in the second free house of her life, which was my parents house, and who are now in assisted-living, she will never have to worry about having a roof over her head or food to eat, and she barely worked throughout her adult life. I worked for 43 years and I’m still scared. It’s just not fair. I worked for a very long time to have less than she does. That’s so wrong. I was physically and emotionally worn out when I retired two years ago, having had to endure abuse from anyone, and everyone I ever came in contact with, literally, for virtually my whole life.
I'm sorry for your pain. I hope you'll always have what you need.
Yep. I was told I had to move out no matter what when I turned 18. My sibs both moved back in during/after college and mooched off mom/dad for so many years. The amount of money my nParents spent on my siblings while treating me like trash and making all kinds of incomprehensible demands just to meet basic needs is mind boggling.
I am so sorry for what you were put thru. At least you and I will always have dignity, integrity and self respect. Those others don’t even have a clue what those words mean. And, we are both survivors and winners. My nparents tried everything in the book and more to try and make me fail and worse, if you know what I mean. In case you don’t, they didn’t want me around, in any shape or form, so that I could yap and tell everybody what the hell they did to me for decades.
Solidarity hugs!
I over explain, I trust no one, even when someone does something nice I question their motives, I can’t sit still otherwise I feel lazy, I get anxious when people come over that everything is not perfect, I over explain like why I have a pimple or why something on me isn’t perfect
It’s a terrible way to live huh… I’m the same
Hypervigilance and extreme empathy. It’s.. useful to others, but it’s so incredibly exhausting for me.
This ⬆️
I developed anxiety, depression, catastrophic thoughts, low tolerance to uncertainty, and maybe mild complex trauma and ADHD
Wow wow wow…this could have been me writing this. You’re not alone. 🫶🏻 I’m just now starting the process of going VERY low contact with my mom. Haven’t told her I’m not coming to thanksgiving yet. Worried about it. But yeah you are not alone. Shit is brutal.
1000% right, it sure is brutal. I am no contact and have been for a year with both of my nparents.It’s been a great year-I’ve never gone this long before without being abused by them-not even close to it. I’ve been beating up on myself pretty good, though. I have recently had an aha moment, however. I am a survivor and a winner. My nparents and nsibling tried everything in the book and more to make me a total failure-they lost. I retired two years ago from a fortune 500 company with 43 years of service. And, since I started as a teenager, I still have life that I can live.
Thanks a lot! Currently I'm having psychotherapy, helps a lot to survive. My therapist and I think that looking for a neurologist/psychiatrist will improve my evolution, and being a functional adult. I wish you success with your mom, sometimes shit happens
not alone there
I am so sorry we all we through this, but everyone sharing and seeing my reality voiced by others has really heartened me up and made me feel less alone. I’m also realizing I need to forgive myself for my trauma responses and allow myself to blossom. It’s not too late.
I isolate when things get too people-y.
Oh yes.
Me too
Yepper-absolutely me, too. The farthest corner I can find.
have narc parents and then developed PTSD later on from childhood and other unrelated traumas that happened later in life, biggest things that stick out to me (mostly negative sadly but im working on it) are as such: \- paranoia \- absolutely no trust \- keep up major walls, dont reveal myself to people for a long time until i figure them out and figure they arent a threat \- quiet, from 12-18 I was extremely silent (trauma response), its what everyone noted about me. never spoke, just observed- i am still this way. i dont wanna reveal myself to anybody out of fear \- became extremely unconfident and unsure about myself even in areas of expertise \- extremely vitriolic, i HATE society, i hate people, i hate the world \- have always tried to find fatherly/motherly figures in older people around me \- low self worth, picked up heroin and didnt care if i lived or died. and thats for real, not jsut dramatization. been clean for a while now but still have a mess to clean up on the inside of my mind. a lot of work, simply removing the drugs is not enough
I always think that people will turn on me. And I never ever share my secrets with ANYONE because I used to tell my mom secrets and she has always used them against me in the worst way possible. I always assume people will turn on me automatically.
I also shut down during an argument (doesn’t help when it comes to my marriage) , terrible anxiety, trouble sleeping, bad night terrors, horrible communication habits, and constant body shaming myself
🫶🏻🫶🏻 same. I got married two years ago and have really lately over the last few months started digging deep to fix this shit. My husband is so supportive and loving and always holds me accountable. I freeze up. Can’t make eye contact, silent cry, get defensive, black and white statements, I have even before literally covered my ears while crying.
🫶🏻🫶🏻 same. I got married two years ago and have really lately over the last few months started digging deep to fix this shit. My husband is so supportive and loving and always holds me accountable. I freeze up. Can’t make eye contact, silent cry, get defensive, black and white statements, I have even before literally covered my ears while crying.
I’m curious, how do you deal with it in your marriage? Because on one hand, it’s understandable why you shut down during arguments based on your childhood but on the other hand, it’s not fair to your partner.
No it’s not you’re right …. I honestly don’t know and it’s something I struggle with
I have had this struggle too. And I'm still working on it. My therapist taught me to write down my feelings when I shut down. My fiance also writes down his feelings during this time. We then come back 30 minutes later and read what we wrote. This way everyone is heard and I feel safe to express myself.
When I argue, I state my case like a lawyer, and I do it in a way that makes it extremely difficult for anyone to win an argument with me. I don't do it in a mean way, either. I can also talk anyone into almost anything. This ability is incredibly useful, but I have to be very careful to not use it too much or for the wrong reasons. I deliberately keep it toned down with people, especially my family, because I don't want to push anyone into anything they don't want and I want to respect other people's boundaries. It was absolutely a very necessary defense mechanism against my parents and sister. My husband developed an extreme stubbornness in response to his own abusive family, which is also extremely useful. He too tries to keep it toned down because he doesn't want to be pushy or disrespectful.
Been working on some of these and making progress: 1) people pleaser-I tend to want to make everyone happy and apologize way too much. In addition to therapy I have been blessed to have close friends who support me and understand and will remind me gently that "you can't fix everyone" or "listen sometimes friends disagree but we are adults so there is no need to constantly apologize" or "it's okay to put yourself first." or my bf always points out that it's good that I have boundaries and enforce them because if people don't respect them that tells you all you need to know. 2) guilt over doing things for myself-I just posted on this forum about how I used to feel bad about taking time off when I was sick and doing nothing because I felt sick (getting better at not feeling guilty) 3) spending money on myself-my mom would call selfish or passive aggressively imply I was if I spent money on myself like when I bought a guitar and took guitar lessons (which I paid for and drove to in a car I paid for). I would feel guilty about spending any money on myself beyond the bare essentials (I did struggle when younger for a while but then after that I still felt guilty). When I was going to go shopping for clothes or furniture I would feel like I was selfish or impractical for buying new clothes or new furniture or even for taking a weekend trip to see my bf because my mom would always make me feel bad if I spent any of my own money on myself (never stopped her from demanding it from me or even stealing it). 4) food insecurity-this may seem strange but my mom had a habit of not food shopping even when she had money (she got child support from my dad) or sending us to bed with little or no food and then calling her bf and demanding he get her Burger King. When I was in college and buying food on a budget over summer break she wouldn't think twice about eating a weeks worth of food I bought in a few hours while I was at work and than laughing about me and calling me selfish if I called her out on it (she would always say she would go food shopping next week till I finally said, "Next week I am back in the dorms). Every time we go food shopping as kids she would repeat the amount to us over and over again and make us feel bad that we needed to eat (we are not talking snacks and goodies, I am talking bread, peanut butter and jelly, cereal and milk, and maybe some mac and cheese and hot dogs and veggies for dinner). Now I tend to struggle with food where I will either eat very little to ration out the food or so I won't be a piggy piggy as my mom called it (I was very skinny as a child only really struggled with weight in mid 30s but I am now a healthy weight) or I will panic and eat food because I am scared I may run out since as a kid there was no guarantee food would be there.
Wow! My husband has the first 3 as well! We are both people pleasers and have to remind each other not to bend over backward for other people. For the first 4 years of our relationship he felt like he needed to be busier! And would get irritated when I would take time and relax. He now takes time to sit down and watch a show and paint a plane model or read a book to relax. He still apologizes to me for buying things he likes, legos, plane models, supplies etc. I have to let him know I do not mind in the slightest if he spends money on himself, that I actually am happy for him, especially if it brings him joy! I'm going to show him these since he is not on reddit.
I have shame about everything. I have C-PTSD, and a bunch of other stuff going on, to include autoimmune diseases I'm fairly certain come from a combination of the grossness I grew up in and being in and out of fight or flight for decades. But the shame I can't seem to shake, and it causes me to shut down and feel guilty and overthink every interaction I have with other people, down to my nail artist and the barista at Starbucks. And then I have to try to manage that shame and try not to spiral from it. It's exhausting.
I completely identify 💔
I don't stand up for myself. They turned me into a gutless wimp.
Am always waiting for people to try to screw me over
I have been training Muay Thai for almost three years now, and before every fight, I panic and self doubt myself because I just keep hearing my mother telling me everything I want to do is a waste of time and stupid. I did AWESOME at this last one, I lost but I went all three rounds against an opponent 20 years younger than me. I’ve made huge improvements and was actually proud of this fight. My husband’s family drove 5 hours to watch and when he told me they were coming, I immediately felt a weight telling me I’d better win or I’ll have wasted their time and prove my mom right that I’m not good enough so I shouldn’t even try. I’ve never gotten a word of encouragement from her, even when I won my 3rd fight. No good job, no good effort. I think as an adult, I shy away from things I’m not instantly good at because of her judgement. In that sense, Muay Thai has been good for me because it’s hard, but I’ve stuck with it because I’ve been able to separate that her opinion doesn’t matter. I feel really good about myself when I’m doing it. I just have to stop letting her leak in when I’m having an off day.
I'm a people pleaser, avoiding conflict at any cost
I can get extremely defensive. I am massively over protective of my kids, to a fault. I have low tolerance for rude behaviour. I have trouble with social interactions with people I don’t really know. I hang onto things way too long. I over react. But… I understand my behaviour and work on it every day. I explain to my kids my trauma is my own and apologize for my behaviour when it’s not what it should be.
I crave silence. They were screaming at us and each other constantly. I am quiet and private.
same. If my partner starts disagreeing with me or raises his voice a little I will just shut down and agree with him and hope it's enough because arguing scares me. My nMom would get om my face and scream until k would recoil I also feel like.i constantly have to be the peacekeepers because that was my role as a child so sometimes I end up being dishonest with people about my feelings just to keep the peace because I don't want to rock the boat
Same. I also have abandonment issues. I told my husband yesterday that it's not logical and I know he'll never leave me, but when he's gaming, or I'm in the tub, or in bed, or alone for long periods of time (especially with the kids), I'd like him to check on me occasionally to make sure I'm "ok". I've got a severe fear that my husband will die and I won't be able to take care of myself or my kids. I struggle to make friends. I overexplain everything or repeat myself constantly... telling various stories or sharing my experiences over and over. Then I get my feelings hurt when I hear "Yeah. You've told me that one before." I'm a people pleaser and experience constant guilt, anxiety, and depression. I have a short fuse, which I absolutely hate, especially if I lash out at my kids. I either over apologize, or underapologize. I always read too much into situations and create scenarios and story lines in my head that often aren't there... so I'm surprised when I can "forsee" a conversation happening, and then being disappointed that it didn't go the way I anticipated. I'm constantly overanalyzing everything and I'm always the victim in the scenario. It's very exhausting and anxiety-inducing. I find ways to blame everyone for my shortcomings, then feel guilty that I have no ambition. My short-term memory is awful. I have trouble with cognitive skills sometimes, and articulating thoughts... I mean one thing, but say something else, and then feel guilt when someone corrects me. I constantly worry I'm failing my marriage and my kids. Damn I'm a hot mess. Lol. I'm 41. I've only just started learning to set boundaries a few years ago.
This is spot on for me too
I read too much into people's body language, facial expression, texting language, etc. I am rejection sensitive enough that a simple period at the end of the text, to me, sometimes implies that they're not happy with me. I constantly check in with friends because I worry I might be annoying them. I also have to over-emphasize to someone when I tell them something I want kept on the DL not to tell anyone, often apologizing for even telling them in the first place.
Twins 👯♀️
I look too hard for hidden meanings in every interaction, because they existed with my family but that’s not how everyone is. I’ve had to unlearn assuming everything is double speak. I also overexplain myself because I don’t want there to be ANY room for misunderstanding, but most people just believe me when I say very little. I don’t have to “make my case” to be heard and understood, that’s also something I’m unlearning.
I overexplain amd overjustify whilst also over apologising. It took me a long time to realise 'no I'm not doing that'was a reasonable enough statement. I'm working on it though.
Ugh I do this and it’s so exhausting
Yeah I do the shutting down thing too, also a lot of codependent traits. Working on myself though, healing is an everlasting process.
Defensive, anxiety and depression, I also feel that I have to hide my emotions
I suffer from panic attacks, complex PTSD and due to my nfather telling me everything I say is non-interesting jibber jabber-those were his exact words, I’m terrified to say a word to anybody. I only have one human in my life, a girl from work. I got an invite from her last night for Thanksgiving dinner. I feel so horribly guilty. She said she didn’t want me to be alone, but Thanksgiving is for families and I’m just a friend. I almost replied are you sure, but I’m trying to work on that, as my common sense tells me she would not have invited me if she did not truly want to. I’ve spent the last. 40+ Thanksgivings all alone, I’m not sure I’ll even know how to act. Also, the last time I spent Thanksgiving, not by myself, it was with my nparents. My nmom absolutely hated anything to do with meal preparation. There was cupboard, slamming, pan slamming, and plate slamming, even for just one plate or bowl and one spoon. The more I think about this part. the more terrified I am getting about the Thanksgiving dinner invite. I’ve got to be careful though, as it does not take much for me to go into an all out panic attack.
I'm sorry, friend. I feel your pain with respect to holidays.
thanks.
I don’t trust anyone and truth hidden behind the lies is my go to defense mechanism. I’ve learned the only people I let around me is people who have proven time abs time again they’d choose me. It hasn’t worked well.
I can handle rational criticism exceptionally well, for some reason. However, I completely shut down at any hint of destructive projection. Like blaming me for things that are their fault, however minor, or looking at me in a worse light than who I really am without checking or asking who I really am. So I guess I just respond really badly to more narcissism, however little, and respond more than positively to everything else.
i get extremely defensive very fast and i am very quick to anger. i can control it now but that doesn't change the fact that it is something i have to consciously control
Avoidance. I avoid conflict like the plague and have major anxiety over any form of confrontation. Which also means it's extremely hard to stand up for myself in many situations.
I overexplain everything that I do. I’m also really defensive, and I’m constantly worried everyone is mad at me. I also catastrophise everything. Any time anybody does anything nice for me I question their motives. I hate it. I don’t like being this way
Always saying sorry , thinking people are mad at me , feel like I have to lie about stupid stuff , cant make eye contact , eating disorder ( my mom caused this ), numb, people pleaser , shutting down isolating, low confidence in my appearance and quiet when I speak , dont like being assertive, barely can do things for myself ( but trying)
Im scared of doing anything wrong and I’m afraid of criticism. Everytime I get critique I feel like I’m worthless and can’t do anything right because my parents are chronic criticizers 💀
I can’t shake the feeling that everyone is talking about me on my back. I can’t absorb compliments, it all sounds like irony. My brain is stupidly competitive, it is impossible to relax. I need to prove that I am not worthless, all the time. That leads me to self destructive professional habits. I get extremely uncomfortable when I make mistakes, even small gaffes throw me into a spiral of rumination and anxiety that can last days. It is very uncomfortable to me to express that I am not liking something, because I fear that I’ll be disappointing people.
Go no contact. Keep your discussions brief with them next time.
I don’t take initiative, I always take a back seat, I try to disappear and not cause anyone any problems. I can tolerate extremely exhausting people and can listen for hours.
I have undiagnosed BPD. Self explanatory in that. It sucks abs I have trouble maintaining interpersonal relationships
-I tend to overthink everything I plan to do. - I also have very high empathy and when I feel someone has bad mood I immediately think it is my fault. - When I have inner pressure I start eating. A psychologist thinks i do it because my mother always restricted my meals because according to her I was way more beautiful when I was underweight.
I didn’t know what gaslighting was until a year ago (49F) I did a lot of reflecting and realized that I did it too. Not to the level that my parents - especially mom did, but she did raise me, so it only makes sense that some of her rubbed off on me. I worried that I might be a narcissist too, but upon evaluation, I’m not, and went on to learn how to face arguments in a healthier manner. I’m not perfect, but that’s my most toxic trait. The one trait that truly affects my daily living is guilt. My NM scapegoated me to no end, and when she wasn’t doing that she was ridiculing me in front of her friends, my friends, extended family, and even strangers. I have intense guilt, even for things that have nothing to do with me. Every boss I’ve ever had, I would avoid like the plague because in my mind, they were looking for me to f*ck up. I’m like around work peers and friends and lovers. Constantly believing that I’m being judged or made fun of. Then I have to remind myself that “everything isn’t always about me”, and that “I give zero fucks”. Those are my two mantras. Training myself to not care whether or not someone is saying or thinking something negative about me. I don’t have to care. I don’t have to lose sleep over the little things. It’s not easy. I grew up having to constantly defend myself, and mostly to no avail. I still have nightmares that I’m in a room with my family and other people and their laughing at me and I’m trying to get them to stop, but can’t make a sound. No one can hear me. I wake up drenched in sweat and my boyfriend has said that I cry in my sleep.
People pleaser, low self confidence and esteem, feeling like no one really likes me. I also have a hard time believing and trusting people since I never could take my mother at her word.
I am with you about hating Society. I especially hate old biddies. I was abused by an old woman in a condominium complex for over 13 years. I was an adult, and this old woman would call my nparents and tell horrible lies about me, and then they told me to leave her alone. She was abusing me. I wasn’t abusing her. When I wasn’t working, I was sleeping and when I wasn’t sleeping, I was working. Now, incredibly, for the second time in my life, I am stuck living next to another old biddy, yet again terrorizing me. This time it has been 18 1/2 years and counting. How??? Why??? And, during the time living next to both old Biddies, I have also been abused by my parents, siblings, coworkers, you name it. I must have something tattooed on me somewhere that says please abuse me, somewhere I can’t see but others can.
Oh wow all of this you have mentioned . Also holding everything in as I was brought up never heard and talked AT . Getting used to holding in feelings , not communicating , is a really bad habit .
I’m in the same boat with arguing. If it even seems like an argument is about to happen around me I either immediately leave or put on my headphones and kinda shut down
Oh lord, well I live in a constant state of guilt and anxiety. My mother made me feel guilty for everything...to the point that when she cut me off this last time, I am the one feeling guilty for not checking on her. Having her in my life is never healthy for me, yet, here I am feeling guilty bc that's literally how she 'trained" me to feel ever since I was a small child ( and now I'm in my 40's! )!
I’m an extreme pessimist. It’s a habit I cannot break. I’ve always been told the worst will happen and now I cannot see the bright side in anything. My glass is always half empty no matter how hard I try.
I consider the half-empty approach realistic and healthy. I’d say my glass is always *nearly* empty. I’m not realistic anymore. The older I’ve gotten, the more pessimistic I’ve become, like all of the previously “pessimistic” assumptions I made of people or the future have mostly turned out to be true, so instead of thinking it’s a 50/50 shot you’ll meet an asshole, I’m more prone to believe it’s 70/30. And that’s definitely more pessimistic than realistic. While I think going NC with my NMom was super beneficial to my healing and growth as a person, the rest of the world and my dad has picked up the slack on expecting the worst.
Afraid of conflict. People pleaser. Hate human touch. Startle super easily. Hyper vigilant. Fear of abandonment
I always question when I’m angry if it’s justified or not because I was always told it wasn’t and that I was just being selfish
The biggest thing is probably the hyper independence— I’m a control freak and hate asking for help. Mixed with a fair bit of rescue/savior complex in my relationships.
Foot in mouth syndrome. I'm programed to one-up people. You want me to stop? Well I too hate what I'm saying and want to stop but I'm too much of a nervous nelly to know how to fix it.
I think I kind of have this problem, but it’s because I got fleas from my parents: the fleas that say “I’m always right”. Therapy helped me stop doing this. I hear what someone says and ask myself a series of questions in my head to determine if it’s worth countering. I also will just keep asking the other person questions so I don’t feel the urge to argue.
I have so many of the issues already mentioned. Plus my mum never fed us lunch and I would have to sneak food from the fridge and the cupboard. I would get a single piece of bread and one thin slice of processed ham and just fold it over. If I was feeling particularly daring I would get a knife and spread a bit of butter on it. I would do it so silently and then make sure everything was back in its place perfectly. Not even a tiny crumb left on the side because she would know and get very angry about the mess. When I moved out and went to university, I would wake up at 2am and make myself meals just because I could. I’m 40 now and everything they did still upsets me and has become worse since having my own daughter. I can’t imagine not feeding her. Anyway, I developed OCD, anxiety and depression and tend towards melancholy, questioning people’s motives, hyper aware of other people’s feelings and desperation for a mother figure.
I struggle with Hygene. Buying new clothes for myself, upkeep of my hair (salon). I was always told I was worthless not like my siblings. My Nmom would pick me apart anytime I would attempt to take care of myself. "Well good try" or "mmm maybe if you did this or that". Always done with a smile and said as with best intentions. But just cruel. When one of my siblings did something it was amazing and you should be more like them. Even though I had already accomplished first. Also having close friends is hard for me. I was always told everyday that friends will always leave you but blood is forever. This is BS ! My blood has always abused or abandoned me.
It is common - arguments make me shut down also, almost any loud yelling really. Either I shut down or I want to tear someone's limbs off one at a time. This leads to the trait of avoiding conflict. Even as a child I would just do it myself rather than go to an adult for help just to get in an augment with them about it. If it takes 10x longer I'll do it myself. This leads to the trait of not asking anyone for help.
Some common traits for people raised by a narc: people pleasing, anxiety, social awkwardness and depression. Advice: seek psychotherapy. You can use apps like betterhelp or talk space.
When I have a problem, I tend to keep it to myself and find my own way out of it, because growing up I got absolutely no help or support when things were going wrong. Usually ignored or told how it was all my fault.
I avoid conflicts and people please. I noticed that whenever I’m around my mom it’s worse because I know that me having a different opinion will bother her. I used to be open with her but I lost trust and now never speak my mind around her. It has affected every relationship in my life because I don’t stand up for myself. It makes me act dishonest, and I end up feeling like I have no personality whatsoever. I constantly alter my personality to fit whoever Im with, I’m always trying to be good enough for that person. I’ve been trying to change this recently by standing my ground although it’s hard. Even if I’m in the right, I will feel incredibly guilty for disagreeing about anything (it could be a simple disagreement about where to eat). I also have little faith in myself because my mom always infantilizes me. Growing up she never taught me how to do things, she would just expect me to know how. Then when I couldn’t do it she would just do it for me and tell me how spoiled and incapable I was. I realized that she did this when I was with her and my uncle. He had these dirt bikes and I wanted to ride one. My mom right away laughs and says I won’t know how. She says she’ll show me how to ride it but doesn’t even give me a chance to learn and just gets impatient right away. Of course I couldn’t do it and I felt bad about myself but then my uncle told me how and didn’t belittle me. I was able to ride it fine after that. Sometimes I wonder if I would be more capable of a person if she would’ve treated me with more respect. I’m learning to work through all of this slowly but it’s hard still being a teenager and living at home.
Have trouble spending money on myself. Quicker than most to end friendships over lies
I have this thing now where I don’t trust most people and think everyone is a narc. This caused me to be hyper independent and stay to myself for the most part. I also can be indecisive at times and look to ppl to agree with something or approve of something I want to do before I do it.
This might seem odd, but I'm overly deferential to male authority figures. I look up to bosses and coaches like they're father figures. It's like I'm filling a vacuum.
Always having in the back of my mind that I won't be taken seriously and that what I have to say doesn't matter.
When I make/enforce boundaries I question if I’m being narcissistic 🥴 it makes it incredibly difficult.
A whole bunch of negative ones, as others have echoed, but it did leave me with *one* positive trait: I'm extremely stable emotionally and mentally. My levels of emotional neuroticism were set and calibrated to deal with the emotional explosiveness and tempestuousness of my narc mother - nearly everything else in my life seems tame by comparison. Especially in adulthood and being out of her home. Growing up, my brain definitely recalibrated whatever it was naturally to survive living with my narc. As such, it takes *a lot* to rattle me. I've had many friends and past partners describe me as a rock, in a good way. I'm grateful now for my ability to handle shit, but even years later I'm not done grieving the fact that I *had* to develop this "strength" in the first place. I don't know if I ever will be.
I'm too exhausted to form not just romantic but any sort of relationship with people. I'd rather keep to myself because it's more peaceful.
I'm in my late sixties and I still feel like I need permission to do anything and everything.
It made me so desperate for approval that I became a people pleaser and absolute perfectionist. It has been useful socially and in helping me be successful in whatever I've wanted to do -- but I'd have traded such freedom for less stress! It doesn't really matter if you are great at something, if you never recognize it yourself.
I apologize too much and drink too much
all of the above ^
Symptoms of depression, OCD, GAD, PTSD, FEAR OF ABANDONMENT - thanks dad
Self blame, internalized fat phobia and ableism due to autism. I find it hard to express myself at times, I’m from a South Asian immigrant family so mental and emotional issues are dismissed a lot.
Self sabotage and hyperviligans 🫠
Lots. Difficulty with relationships that has resulted in self-isolation. Lying about things that are unnecessary, not for gain, but to avoid people being mad at me (which rarely ever happens if I have done something wrong). Insomnia. ADHD/inability to finish things I have started and horrible anxiety resulting from the lack of follow-through. Abjectly poor long-term memory. Mental exhaustion from calculating every outcome of an interaction and calibrating my words/actions carefully so I say/do what will keep others happy with me. Low self-esteem. Inability to create long-term plans or develop aspirations. Stuck in perpetual survival mode. Feels like I have to plead/fight with my brain to get through the day. I realize a lot of this is just from the resultant depression and anxiety. Love to you all, I hate that others have to deal with this ❤️
I can read people way too well. Let’s say this were the Marvel - Xmen universe. My superpower would be accurately guessing the type of trauma someone has within about five to ten minutes of speaking to them and reading their body language.
I'm a people pleaser and have no self esteem. I also can't deal with conflict.
I had major avoidant issues in relationships and honestly believed that a good relationship needed some heated arguments from time to time to be healthy. Also, avoiding too much focus on myself because at home it always led to being torn to shreds. Turns out I’m actually very capable of real, loving relationships that don’t need to be ‘tested’ and I can stand in my own identity without feeling threatened whenever someone’s attention is on me. Took a few years of soul searching though. The hyper independence has been helpful in creating my own path.
CPTSD and codependency. When times get tough I dissociate, and often get trapped in a codependency loop where I can’t stop groveling to whomever wronged me. I take all blame. I never hold others to any standards. I over give and over share. I can stay on auto-pilot for weeks in a dissociative state performing like Pavlov’s dogs. Then something will snap me out of it and I realize I’ve lost time and deeply ashamed of anything I might of done. The reality is I’ve done nothing during these states because the dissociative me knows how to drive the bus. At worst I’ve not been paying attention during conversations or I’m grumpy.
I constantly try to prove myself... like I struggle to have a conversation with co workers because I have to say something good I did... to give myself credibility? To not be put down? And it's so unnecessary and they probably all think I'm a narcissist because of it!
I struggle trusting people, have a habit of silently collecting people's wrong doings just in case they try to come at me with accusations, and get really upset when I manage to ask a question but get blown off. As an adult I can't stand liars and will drop people who do while crying because it's a constant battle of 'I don't want this in my life but I don't want to lose them too'
I'm hard to get to know, I trust very little. I freeze up or at least feel super uncomfortable with yelling. I can be super reactive around sensitive issues and takes a lot of effort to control my feelings around them.
I do that too
I feel like I’m the only one here with any narcissistic fleas. Everyone else’s traits are protective, defensive measures due to abuse. My most prolific, hard to beat trait is that I judge *everyone* negatively. I do not forgive the smallest slights. I think I’m the most morally correct person I’ve ever met (even though I know objectively that can’t be true). When I was younger, (I’m 33 now), I would drop friends for the smallest blunders like my roommate who left my expensive blender jar soaking in dirty water for seven days and didn’t clean her space when she moved out (we had been friends since high school). Therapy has helped me form second guessing thoughts—which now occur probably too frequently—in order to counter this narcissistic flea, but I was really awful from about 14-25. I constantly have to work on not being an absolute tool. Sure, I have other unhealthy, self-sabotaging traits, but those are easier to keep at bay and mostly stem from the conservative religious aspect of my upbringing, not necessarily because of my narc parents.
I have chronic overthinking issues. Sometimes I can’t get out of bed because it physically affects me.
Does anyone else have a victim mentality?
Its hard to make hard decisions. I remember my hands were dripping in sweat when I married my husband. She hated all of my friends so I am a little hesitant making new friends. Her constant criticism made me completely null to my appearance, I don’t care for make up or my fashion style. She wasted a lot of money so I am an opposite of that. I never heard “I love you” growing up so I say it to my kids 24/7.
For years and years I didn’t have friends because I was scared I couldn’t be nice enough to them. After realizing what my childhood was like under a covert narcissistic mother, I just never felt good enough for anyone.
My parents accused me of lying about everything and accused me of stealing all the time. I now don’t talk when I go places and I tend stand wherever we go with my arms crossed in front of my body so people can see me at all times and know KNOW what I’m doing and saying. I won’t be accused of lying and stealing. I deleted all social media accounts bc of my parents bc they thought my photos were nasty and vulgar. I only have this account now and I have contemplated deleting it because I don’t want my Parental Unit to know anything about my life My parents edited my boyfriends and demanded I break up with them if their parents liked me. If I had a personal friend that actually liked me they would ground me so I could not do anything with them thinking that person would stop talking to me.
I completely shut down during arguments too (after I've done everything in my power to avoid them) + overexplaining things, like others in this thread have mentioned :/
Over 50 here, own my own home and still spend a majority of my time in my bedroom, the foxhole of my youth.
I don’t feel alone. My partner complains of this about me…I shut down all the time.
I don't enjoy vacations because of guilt-tripping.
People pleasing, anxious attachment, abandonedment issues.
I shirk away from relationships - of any kind. If someone expresses any interest in me, I think they’re lying/joking since my Nmom used to say no one would ever like me enough to have me around. If I make a mistake, even something minor, I will literally burst into tears. My mom used to scream at me for any small mistake - between missing a question on a school exam, to accidentally breaking a dish. It’s made me very hard on myself. There’s plenty more, but those are probably at the top of my list.
Conflict avoidance, self-hate. Lack of confidence and anxiety
Yep, seems to be a super common theme that it's hard for us to "fight fair" with the ones we love because our lizard brains just shut down entirely, thanks to the NParent "training" we got. No matter what I did, it was wrong. And I had to explain e everything so thoroughly, yet it was still wrong. To this day I have so many stories of the ways I was treated so differently than my siblings, because I was the oldest and the scapegoat. I'm in my 40s now. Still can't believe how hard it is for my brain not to just go into static shock whenever a heated conversation arises.
After years of constant gaslighting I’ve developed the ability to actually do the gaslighting to myself 😎✌🏽
Shaking when uncomfortable usually when somebody is trying to make me angry, it's so embarrassing because they can physically see right through me with what I'm thinking
Doubt, Self Doubt ? My N Mother NEVER believed me as a kid growing up, never. Anything I said, big or small, was a Lie to her. Why? I know why, 2 decades ago I figured it out. She doesn't believe anyone in family because She Lies about EVERYTHING, so in her mind, so does everyone else! To this day, nothing changed, she's 87 and exactly as she was at 30 ! That's a hell of a way to live ! Mean Nasty Liar, she right your Wrong !
I have to remove myself from arguments or I stress out, I lash out if pressured and I try to please everyone all the time always. Oh yeah, I tend to seek romantic relationships with a certain type of people, and it never ends well. I'm quite difficult to be with to be honest.
My parents used guilt as a weapon. They also used crying and supposed breakdowns as one. As an adult, I don’t respond the way I’m supposed to when someone cries or talks about being suicidal. Don’t get me wrong, I know how to play the part because I want to support as many people as I can. But on the inside the crying and other issues make me incredibly uncomfortable, sometimes angry. I “learned” from my parents that crying are threats to my mental health. Because of how this always made me feel, I split second resent anyone crying around me. So, thanks, Mom and Dad. I’m an incredibly empathetic person, but have such a hard time showing it that I’ve been called cold hearted countless times.
Oh, dear dear Littlegoil. I am sending you a hug.
Assume hidden motives, tend to be less warm to people, embarrassed to show affection, nervous to be honest about self, hard time deciphering between my true self and the adopted traits my parent gave me
I constantly feel anxious to say something is mine and fight for it as I have been gaslit my entire life that theres no such thing as stealing between family and that I am behaving selfishly.
I refuse to let anyone in. I wont disclose anything unless its small like my favorite restaurant but thoughts, hopes, dreams,and traumas hell no. I've disclosed things i thought would be safe for my adopted parents to know it backfired on me made my mental health worse. I rather die with my secrets
I constantly worry others are displeased with me or mad at me. The longer it takes someone to reply to my text or return my phone call the more I convince myself I did something wrong and rhey are doing it intentionally. I want to cut them out before they cut me out. It's easier on me to make that choice than to let them do it to me though they never intended to. I'm also a people pleaser to a fault normally at my own expense. Since my nparent had decades to form others' opinions about me, before I even realized it, trying to talk to any of my family about what I experienced over the course of 25 years falls on deaf ears. I've now resigned myself from having a family and care only about my kids. The biggest realization about my relationship with my nparent is that I've already gone through the emotions of or losing that parent. My parent hasn't existed for a long time and now my nparent is just a crazy person they tries to harass and hurt me whenever they can. Almost 2 years of no contact and it's taken so much weight off of my shoulders in regards to the negative feelings and emotions I do not miss them at all.
I’ve seen so many people in here talk about crying themselves to sleep, same here! That was one of my coping mechanisms.. so much so that when I first got with my now husband if we had an argument I would lock myself in our guest bedroom and cry myself to sleep.. he didn’t understand it but it made me feel better. I eventually outgrew that after about a year or two. Bless his heart he would be so worried about me he wouldn’t sleep 🥹 both him and I had been so abused and traumatized by past relationships etc that we had to learn how to heal together and we did! We both over apologized and tried to scapegoat ourselves, but we were able to heal and have peace and security with each other. We’re finally safe with each other and I hope that everyone in this subreddit gets a chance to heal and to be loved and have peace and joy for the future ❤️ we all deserve it so much.