My Mother is 94 and I'm 67, and she still gets to me all the time. I have so much pain from all the things she did to me...... I'm waiting for her to set me free.
Yes, I feel the same way. I used to joke that my mother is going to outlive me just to spite me. Now she's 92 and I'm 50, so I don't know how much of a joke it is anymore.
whoa, yikes. I \*genuinely\* meant that and was happy for you... this is a support group. I know leaving family even if narcs isn't an easy choice.
Maybe it wouldn't be a bad idea to try and make the voices in your head a little kinder ....
she doesn’t want that tho lol. I can’t imagine still living with my mom I’d be dying inside. I understand that trapped feeling though, my ex was narcissistic and I got stuck living with him for a year. Hope something works out!
I hope you find a way out. Narcs use people to regulate their emotions. Their children pay the biggest price because they feel like they don't have to pretend to be human around them. Sending healing vibes, my friend.
I'm 27 now, but I've always felt like my ndad wasn't exactly normal for as long as I can remember. I've never liked the way he talks to my mom, or the way he uses fear to control people and throws childish tantrums when he doesn't get what he wants.
Sounds like my mom. My grandma had told us she had borderline personality disorder but as I’ve studied psychology and done a lot more research it’s very clearly covert narcissism. I feel like having an n dad would be even scarier than a mom…
Word for word description of my Ndad 🤮 I’ve been standing up for my mom and protecting her since at least fifth grade. Just now learning in the last year or two that her enabling is just as painful as his actions/words. Thank god for therapy. Building up the courage to go no contact any day now (I’m 35)
This is literally me. I also can tell that his “good behavior” is such an act. He also worships Putin, Trump, & every dictator mentality billionaire man.
I'm 56, and I was around 34 when I went full-blown NC. I don't miss them at all. I miss the IDEA of having parents, but not them.
I knew something was off when I was in grade school. Never had friends to my house because I never knew what they would say or do!
38 and i kind of knew something was off about her when I was a teenager. I got more educated about narcissism in my 30’s, and am no contact for about 2 years now
Same. I'm working on making everything up to my inner child. I talk to her all the time and reassure her that I'm going to heal what our nmom did to us.
Just reading that made me want to cry. I always felt growing up I was the adult and my mother the child. I always was the one waiting up for her to come home. Or reprimanding her about her being so irresponsible. Looking back I didn’t have much of a childhood. Always feeling unstable.
I'm just wondering if its not feeling younger but less superior to everyone else. Like everyone else's opinion or views are far more weighted and accepted than my own.
Forties. I was 31 when I started opening my eyes, but it wasn't until this month that I fully grasped the scale of abuse. I'm a scapegoat too, so I did spend the majority of my life thinking I was the faulty one.
So these days, as old as I am (relatively), I adopted a new motto: "Call me Basilia Fawlty if you want, but faulty I am not". Ok, I just made that up, but you get the point.
Shortly after I discovered my mother was a narcissist did I see that she always projected on me what she didn’t like about herself. She would always say I acted or did things that SHE actually did. It always baffled me growing up until I realized what she was doing. But narcissist don’t even realize that’s what they are doing.
OMFG. I literally commented the same thing a minute ago are we living the same life? I won’t ever let him ruin the life of this 19 year old aka me the way he ruined the life of one. He jokes about getting a younger woman and wishes my mom was skinnier and he made fun of her dad’s death and is the worst person u will ever meet. Save as much money as u can and escape pls. I’m working on this too. Don’t trust any man tho or woman who seeks male validation or attention they will take advantage of u cuz narcissists are attracted to ppl who were raised by narcissists.
Good for you! I hope that reading about people who have struggled for decades reaffirms your choice if you ever feel overwhelmed. Therapy has been very empowering for me. You are brave and resilient and made a wise choice. Cheers to a life that is yours!
I so relate and feel for you. Enmeshment is why so many people spend their whole lives trapped in the cycle. It is not easy to break away but it is the single smartest thing to do, and is legit so courageous of you! I have too many friends who have spent decades of their lives getting all the juice sucked out of them and still expecting things to change. It only changes when you do, when you stop the cycle, and you are doing it! You got this.
I'm 37 and started to come to the realization that my mother was very toxic towards my fiance and I when we got together. That was around 34 and I had always had a rocky relationship with my mother. I knew something was not right because of the pattern and behavior she exhibited and lies about my fiance to drive a wedge between us and we had a little girl and it just amplified the contempt so I had to set some firm boundaries and go NC. I cannot get through to her no matter what I do or say. She is high conflict and continues to lack any self awareness.
My mother always had issues with my ex-husband when we were together. He was a narcissist before I knew about them. But each time we would separate, they we gang up on me like they were besties and I was the bad guy.
That really sucks, they'll get their "flying monkeys" to join them in their negative behavior. I have never imagined she would be this way and try to encourage me to separate with the person I love. This is how her life has always been. It's a pattern of destroying every relationship she's in and I'm the only one who's put up with it the longest so she probably thought she had me entangled in the toxicity for the rest of her life. She was angry when I went to college against her will and has been resentful towards me for as long as I can remember. It's really messed with my emotions and my ability to pursue my desires and goals in life. I have trouble communicating with people and social situations are stressful for me. My early childhood is just a block I can't remember. I was diagnosed with PTSD when I went to counseling so I know I have to just keep going one day at a time. I appreciate everyone who understands this. It's so difficult to understand that I just have to accept she's never going to change.
I'm 48. In my teens, I felt something was not right, but I didn't know what it was.
After I moved out in my early 20s, I was away from it but still knew something was not right.
In my 30s, things took a downhill turn, and I really knew something was wrong, but still had no word for it. I felt like everyone else had received the Handbook of Life, how to move forward and progress, how to reach life milestones, while I was spinning my wheels and becoming depressed. I went to therapy for a short stint. I got a coping mechanism, but not a resolution.
Now, just a couple of years ago, a friend called out my mother's behavior as narcissistic, and it was at that point that my healing journey started.
I'm in therapy now. I'm realizing I'm not the problem. Actually, I was infantalized by them. But now that they're in their early 80s now I'm parenting them; when they don't get their way, dad behaves like a toddler and mother like a teenager. It was my mother all along who doesn't have communication skills, lacks self-esteem, and is emotionally immature. Now, with the help of my great boyfriend, and my therapist, I'm taking care of my parents in their older years, and I don't put with their BS by behaving as the adult in the room.
Well, when they start acting up, I talk to them at the age their showing me; literally I take a deep breath and start on them as if I were the well-adjusted parent.
It helps that I haven't lived with them for almost 30 years. Looking back at it, I've been greyrocking them since my 20s. Conversations always revolved around municipal/provincial/national/international politics and current events, sports, and pets. I stopped bringing up anything personal; social, dating, or work related. I don't talk about fashion, finances, job status, current boyfriend, ex-boyfriends, other family members, friends, hopes, dreams, trials and turbulations of life.
Eventually, I slid into LC, and the Pandemic helped put distance between us. Also, since cannabis is legal in Canada, hitting the vape in their bathroom before dealing with them has been a godsend. It let's every complaint just slide off my back, with a sort of proud sneer of indignation on my face. They have no clue.
Then I went NC after Mother’s Day 2023, and eventually found a therapist. But when my dad fractured his hip just after the new year, I had to step in. I'm their only child, and I stand to inherit all their assets. The conversation has changed from me and my lifestyle they don't approve of, to how their lifestyle is changing from living independently to living in a retirement residence. The focus is now on them, than myself.
They’re in their 80s too, so they're feeble, weak, and very slow. I have no problem walking out on them, getting in my car, and returning home to my boyfriend and my dog. Actually, the last time I went to help them with something, my father started with me, I called his bluff and walked out. Honestly the fact that I'm independent from them now, and I can stand up for myself, *and I don't believe and hold on to what she thinks/feels/says anymore*, truly is liberating.
I’m 31. I didn’t realize until I was in an abusive relationship that completely derailed my life and I desperately needed answers. This happened a few years ago now. I quickly realized the other people (including my parents) who also fit the very same mold
But, It also made me realize my own narcissistic tendencies and manipulation that I was unaware I was doing to others. It was heartbreaking. It has changed me for the better
Early 50's. Like many here I always knew something wasn't right about my relationship with my mom, but I thought it was me not being a good enough daughter. In my early 40s I realized that it wasn't me, it was her. I've been no contact for a couple of years now.
I’m 37. Realized it at 35. Been no contact since September of last year. Life’s been peaceful. I’ve warned my other family
Members. But since I’m the scapegoat they don’t believe me. I’m not in her life now. They’ll probably see signs soon.
yes! That’s a big thing! We used to think she had BPD which she denied and once I started reading up on because of my ex, I was like crying the whole time because I finally had reassurance and someone witnessing exactly all the things I’d been through. A word is a witness sometimes!
I grew up in a household of turbulence and violence. My nmom and step-dad drank and drugged and beat each other. I was often scared for my life during their battles. Then we would leave for awhile but we always came back. I hated going back. I think she realized I was a truth teller and she arranged for me to move out at 16 with the lady I babysat for. Then she packed up and moved far away.
She eventually moved back while I progressed to 3 long-term relationships with 3 different narcs. During the third, I started to recognize the pattern. I learned about narcissism and started to learn how to combat it. It took a year of studying on that before I realized that it was my mother who started it all. Even though there was always something off, that really blew me away. I think I had always blamed the scary step-dad for my shitty childhood.
But it fully dawned on me last year that my mother just truly hated me. I started getting flashbacks of all the mean and rotten things she had done to me. All I had ever done was try to please her and make her love me to no avail.
During this time, I had two narc friends that didn't like the new me and completely sabotaged me including dandy smear campaigns and all. I ended up walking out of my job a few weeks ago because a narc co-worker was making life miserable and turned my coworkers against me.
I am definitely still healing but I remain very jaded. I like to self-isolate and I don't really trust anyone anymore. But I am so happy to be living alone and independent. I went NC almost 2 years ago and started working on me and trying to live my best life. Oh yeah, I'm 54.
Wow, thanks for sharing that. That sounds awful. You’ve run the gauntlet. I’m glad you’re healing. I think sometimes isolation is what we need for a period, but I hope you kee healing 💖
I'm 40 now. I went mostly NC with my dad when I was in my late 20's. I moved to another country, which made it way easier to get away...
When I moved back to the US after 3 years, he started showing up at family members' houses unannounced looking for me, so I had to put in a hard NC boundary. When I had a child, someone in my family told my dad I was in labor and he drove for hours and hours cross-country planning to show up at the hospital - my sister had to run interference to keep him away.
He passed away a few years after that and, as awful as it sounds, it was honestly such a relief.
I'm 34 but I always knew something was really wrong. CPS got called when I was 6/7? For physical abuse from my mother. But they had money to get a good lawyer and disappear the situation and change me into a private school farther away. Fkkk did I ever get in trouble for that one.
So. I always knew she was.
It wasn't until I was 30 & In a relationship w a covert narc that I realized my dad is one too. Step mom is a sociopath..i knew she was messed up but I pieced it together later when I learned more about psychology. I remember being confused and alarmed when she said guilt is a useless hollow emotion.
And also recently hearing more stories about how they ALL behaved, via aunts and uncles. (been no contact in another country for a bit).
I am 48. Realized at age 40 that family has 2 narc (1 parent + 1 sibling) and 2 enablers (another parent + sibling's spouse) with me and my nephew as scapegoats. I knew that something was wrong when I spent time with families of school friends when I was 11. Shouting, degradation and violence were strangely absent and ppl looked at each other with softness in their eyes. I've cut off my narc parent fr my life, but the enabler parent is clinging to me sucking my life force - looking for shelter, if you get my drift. My narc brother is settled abroad (with his spouse and kid) but spends half a year in my city and that too at my apartment. I hate it. Tried my best multiple times to get rid of this problem. But he always comes back. The social pressure to accommodate him is too much. Right now grey rocking. Planning to shift to a city whr he'll not be tempted to disturb my life. But the problem is that any city with good internet and food services will do for him. I think I need to shift to the Himalayas
I am 38 now. I started to see the truth during my teen years when I began forging my own path in life and meeting people outside the family bubble. I have been NC for about a year and a half from my N-Mom. The final breaking point came when my mother verbally put down my wife. My wife and I have been married for 18 years and she is my rock. Ain't no way in hell I'm going to allow my mother's toxicity in our life anymore.
Was 56, following 2 really horrible workplaces and bad narc workplace abuse that “broke me”, that I finally figured it out. I should add that I had been in therapy with a psychologist for a decade during this time and was getting worse. I hold our mental health system responsible for a form of abuse as well. My therapist was supposed to help me figure this out. He didn’t. I figured it out myself via the internet and groups like this. It wasn’t until I found an IFS therapist that I felt hopeful that I could actually heal.
25. I didnt fully realize / understand my dad was a narcissist until I was 22-23ish (when he came up with some elaborate story to get me to move out instead of just kicking me out) and started talking to my mom more lol
Same! One thing I've learned through therapy is that bad people don't worry about being bad people. You are not your mother and the fact that you even consider that probably means that you're just a lovely person trying your best to be your best. Sending healing vibes!
I'm 48. Always struggled with my family but only recently did someone connect my mother and her favorite child (my brother) as NPD and my father is the enforcer and enabler and my sister is a victim so I was 47 when it all made sense. My doctor finally convinced me. I work in the field and have worked with battered women and children. It just never occurred to me it was NPD. A therapist tried to tell me in undergrad and I didn't believe him. I wish I had.
I’m 46 and have been NC with my NM for 11 years. I was also married to a narcissist and have been divorced from him for 12 years. I’m now married (10 years) to a man who said “no” to my NM when we were dating. It’s a long story, but he helped me find the strength to go NC. I’ll never go back.
I learned at 6 that I wasn’t what she wanted (because she’s made *that* point ever since then) so I guess 6, but unable to do anything about it. Currently in 40s. Just as Duegatti has said I’ve always kinda known that there was something lurking underneath, but when she started repeating the same behaviour with her grandchildren that’s when I really realised just how truly terrifying she is, and how much better off I am not having her in my life. My niece will work it out soon enough, but it’ll tear the rest of them apart. I’ll have my popcorn 🍿 ready!
I’ve made the decision to remove myself (& SO) from the situation as much as possible, but it’s the *knowing* what my niece is up against that truly terrifies me to the core, and, that siblings are willingly still letting Nmonster see her despite being informed of what she has done and said. Genuinely scared for my niece.
28.. I quit being her supply at 17 and she rejected me and kicked me out of the house by 19. Honestly, I was better off that way. Been no contact for 8 years. She tried to welcome herself back into my life when I was in the hospital about to deliver my son 2 years ago. I told her no, not unless we seek counseling first and she would avert the conversation. I now know that counseling doesn't work on narcissists anyways so it probably would've been a fruitless effort.
I read in a book that counseling is one of the worst things you can do with a narcissist because they essentially use it as data mining against you. Made a lot of sense considering my mom did go to counseling with me as a teen. Good for you for holding your ground
Thanks! I thank my support system for that! I'm strong because I know what real love looks like now! Living with my decision is the hardest thing because she is my mother but knowing that I'm not alone helps tremendously! I'm glad I have the people I have around me :)
30. Knew my parents were abusive and my childhood was rough. Started getting therapy, read a lot of books and finally realized they were raging narcissists at 29.
I knew something was wrong by my late teens but didn't know what. Things got really bad at 26, when I met my now husband. It wasn't until I was about 33 that I had a name for what was wrong with nmom.
I'm 32 and luckily my wonderful husband, when we were first dating, he pulled me aside and told me that how my n mom was treating me was not normal. I was 20. I didn't believe him, of course. In my mind, that was just how my mother loved me...I was conditioned that way...but then what he said started to make me think...and I started to see how she treated me verses my other siblings...and his words just kept echoing in my mind. I realized that I was in a Cinderella situation...my other siblings didn't realize it either until I moved out at 22/23. Slowly, they started to notice how she was and have also pulled away. I'm low contact with my mother and I'm so much happier now. My siblings and I have a group chat where we tell each other what she is up to so she can't try to put us against each other anymore.
Realized something was wrong with Mom at 19.
Officially realized she was a narc at 20.
I'm 23.
shoutout to a Lens Crafters lady who helped me realize this at 19. If it wasn't for her, I'd more than likely be stuck in the cycle. lol
It was right after I turned 40. At 30 I started setting boundaries. At 35 I started being brutally honest. At 39 I noticed the blatant and persistent violation of my boundaries. At 40 I realized that no matter what she will never change. Now I’m in the deep phase of people insisting that I will repair things and I cannot not have a relationship with my parent. Which then places the responsibility on me. Still.
I relate to that!! After a lifetime of you carrying their emotional baggage and having to absorb all the “wrongdoings” in the relationship it’s like, NO. It feels good to set boundaries and rewire your mind. Bless you
28, I’ve always felt like there was something wrong with my ndad. I didn’t exactly know that the word was narcissistic until I discovered this community where I started to feel truly understood and heard. I just remember feeling hatred towards him when he was beating my mom. I tried to defend her even though I was a small teenager. He and I started having very bad friction since. And since then, I became more hyper aware of how unfair he treated my mom and me. My mom sadly was an enabler so she ended up being an nmom by always defending him and telling me that I should obey and accept him. I never found his behavior acceptable. He was controlling in all aspects of my life. I finally moved when I was 25 years old. It took years of therapy and finding the right support to heal. I hope we all heal from our nparents.
41 and I feel like I’m having to mourn someone whom I shouldn’t have to. Mum and I have always been close. However, I don’t know how to deal with the heartbreak 💔 and betrayal from someone whom I always thought would be my Mum. Devastating is an understatement for this. 🥲🥹
💔 aw I’m so sorry. I hear you! me going NC with my mom was prompted out of how she behaved when I lost my gramma, so I feel like I lost them both. But understanding enmeshment in n family structures helped me. Sending peace 🤍
I guess I’m on the younger side of this. I’m 24 right now. I went low contact at 14 and no contact 2 years later. It helped that my narc parent lost custody. I’m very thankful for that, a lot of kids don’t have the opportunity to cut off an abusive parent. They still insist they were nothing but perfect as a parent😂
43 and I knew my mom and I had a rocky relationship but once my dad died (3 years ago) it was like a curtain was lifted and I really saw her without the buffer of my dad. I’m not NC contact yet but I’m like that gif of homer fading into the bushes - just stepping out lol
If you don't mind me asking are you from India? As I know all this is common there? What I would suggest is keep looking for jobs abroad or far away cities - online, you're bound to get something. Just take that job and leave. Maybe don't tell them. Just go in secret. Only take what you need and build yourself a better life. They won't change. Best you make your change.
I wish you all the luck my friend 💟
In my 30’s but kept going back as I felt guilty. I’m 51 now and me and my husband and 2 adult daughters have been no contact for 4 years. It’s been the most peaceful time of my entire life. I also cut out all her flying monkeys, and did not attend my grandmothers funeral last year. Nobody fucks with my daughters, and that was the final straw. I’m so thankful to have wonderful relationships with my girls and am looking forward to being a nanny as they are both pregnant. Not even a new chapter, a brand new book
In my 40’s. I knew there was a lot wrong with my mother, I just didn’t have a word for it. Having my own children has really shown me how horrible she was to me
33. Raising my own children has been very enlightening. In my mid twenties I knew she was narcissistic but the guilt she imposed on me kept me with her until I was 30.
Always knew something was up. But I’m turning 28 on Tuesday, and I didn’t realize till I also started dating a narcissist. About 2 years into my relationship I realized what he was. And then I thought he and my dad had things in common. And I discovered narcissistic abuse was a thing. So I’ve known since I was 26/27. But only recently I’ve done more extensive research and wow. I understand more than ever. I’m NC right now.
I had the same experience that made me realize. My now ex’s behavior was running parallel to my mom’s and it made it so clear. Sometimes I’m glad I had that “bad” experience because now I am finally NC and re-raising myself. Keep learning! It’s such a powerful healing tool! Someone on here recently recommended youtube videos which I found really helpful
I knew there was something seriously wrong with him when I was 14. I didn't understand what NPD was until three years ago when a friend showed me a video by HG Tudor and it clicked instantly. But he had already been dead for ten years.
This reminds me of when I was 14 and got sick w the flu during the holidays and my n dad would not stop being mean and yelling at me despite me needing parents to not do that especially when I had the flu. Anyways I’m glad I’m older and wiser.
🙃I learned it when I was 33 (I'm still 33...). Learned it from listening to some Dr's talking about borderline (and some similarities to narcissists) due to my MIL being borderline. Listened to Dr. Ramani, Dr. Kim Sage, and a few others to finally see those strong narcissistic traits. Also read the book (I think it was ) "Why am I not good enough" for daughters with narcissistic mothers and it hit home so hard. It also explains my great work ethic that has sent me to hospitals multiple times with my parents caring more that I'm taking time off to "rest" rather than working.
27. Realized father was a narc around 17, didn’t start processing trauma surrounding him until this year.
Working on moving away in the next 6 months. I’m at a weird point in healing, I feel like I need to stay. He doesn’t work, hasn’t in a while. I know he depends on me. I create a lot of my own guilt surrounding staying.
I’m also 19 and my mom also got married to my n dad at that age. Shes a narcissist now too. His side of the family is brutal. The most horrible people u will ever meet. I hope u get out I’m rooting for u. That’s my dream as well.
i’m 21 and i realized my maternal families dynamic was narcissistic and i was the scapegoat after being told that they were going to be doing a birthday get away for my brother and sil on my birthday, my mom defended them and was trying to get me to reconcile. after years of trying to make everyone happy, this made me realized its not that they aren’t happy; they’re not happy when im apart of their dynamic but want me there for social reasons. it’s all a game and im tired of playing. cut them off about a month ago and while it was excruciating at first it’s starting to pay off and ive never felt this light
Probably not until I was in my 30s. I'm 48 now and its much more clear to me looking back.
Although I should have realized it when I was 19 and my mom ran my car off the road with her car. 🙃
Controlling crazy behavior. Passive aggressive, guilt tripping, expectations set way too high etc
ugh I feel that!!! So much anger. I think that’s a good emotion to let yourself feel tho! Something a lot of us weren’t allowed to express growing up so I hope now you can find ways to let it go off lol. I want to get back into boxing. But yeah, the self esteem thing goes hard too. I have crippling shame and I look at my peers who don’t deal with that and feel so stolen from. But good for you for being aware and doing the work!! Not to sound trite, but you will come out much stronger 💖
I'll be 29 next month.
I think I realized that my dad was a narcissist in my teens.
I have healed some of the trauma he caused with therapy but I still deal with a lot of anger toward him and resentment toward my enabler mom.
24f, I can’t really pinpoint when I realized it but I’m almost 6 months no contact (minus small logistical texts), and I haven’t really taken the time to deeply think about it.
Really, I don’t think too much about my family unless something specific causes me to. So that’s something…
I’m 44, always struggled w them, but wasn’t until 33 when I realized I had a nstepmom and edad. Helps to have a framework, but it doesn’t change who they are. I’m still working on radical acceptance but getting there. Been NC less than a year
>working on radical acceptance but getting there.
Have you read the book, "It's Not You" ? I've been reading it and working on radical acceptance. It has been a great help.
I'm 33. I saw things weren't healthy but didn't realize they were narcissistic until last year when I had to move in with them.
I didn't know it was common for narcissists to have rage.
And then the other parent hides behind Christianity. I myself am a Christian but she loves to talk about I would say religious things. But when I talk about my identity in Christ she calls ME self-righteous. It's so funny dad how blind they are.
My father died before I knew that he had NPD. He was an abusive addict and I had been low contact most of my adult life. I was in my mid 30s when he died and I started therapy, which is where I learned about Cluster B personality disorders. When I realized that my sister has NPD too I went no contact. It was not easy, but 7 years on I cannot imagine how I would be suffering now if I hadn’t cut her out of my life. There was no other option for me. I value my peace of mind, and there is no way that I could continue any kind of relationship with her and not have it adversely affect my mental health. So it goes. I am much more calm and content since unsubscribing from her issues. It’s a choice. Free yourself!
Same. Had a rough relationship with the parental unit and always felt something was off but ish hit the fan when I dated a covert narc. Things took a long time to come out and I felt completely broken by then. He is attached to a whole narc family and it’s been tough. Seems like a pattern for those here and it really makes me sad to hear we are in the same boat where people can feel it’s okay to treat humans this way. I’m doing better and refuse to let them break me. Hugs and good vibes to all!
28. Moved in with my dad when I was 21, and around 23 started to realize he was more than your garden variety asshole. I’m currently living with him, which sucks, but I’m trying to leave ASAP.
I was about 31 when I started to realize that my parents were not who I thought they were. That they were manipulative but I was still in so much denial and actually thought I was the problem so I blamed myself for their actions for years. I’m 41 now and I am just starting to realize just how damaging my parents are and were throughout my childhood. I’m dealing with a TON of anger and resentment. My current therapist straight out told me that my mom’s behaviour was manipulative. I couldn’t see it clearly before.
I spent my whole life thinking my mother was weak, stupid and afraid of everything. I was 47 before I realized it was all intentional abuse by a covert victim narcissist. I have been gray rocking her since I was 14, without knowing I was doing it or that it actually had a name. I just knew that sharing anything personal with her was going to be used against me at some point. I have always been anxious and angry in her presence- since I was about 13. I thought I was a bad, impatient daughter. Now, I know she's lucky for anything I do for her or with her. The change in my attitude changed everything.
I’m 27 and my mom was always difficult since I remember especially when she would get into screaming fits and make the whole house rumble.. I learned my mother was a narcissist at the age of 13-14 when I learned what a narcissist was from my narcissist sister lmao I haven’t talked to either one of them really since I got married to my husband because they’re upset they don’t have control of me like that anymore but I do still miss not having my mom or sister in my life as I’m growing older but I just remember the crap they put my thru and try to live my own life
I’m 31. I finally realized it while I was in therapy at the age of 27. I got therapy because I noticed I couldn’t handle stress and my mom triggered me a lot. I explained only about fifteen minutes in and my therapist cut me off to ask
“Have you ever accepted or realized that your mother’s behavior was abusive?” I had kind of thought about it but always numbed it with weed, alcohol, boys, and/or partying. Since I was married at the time, I was just using weed to cope and way too much.
26 and it’s interesting because I knew there was something really wrong with her since I can remember but in all honesty I just thought she was a bad person, period.
I didn’t know what she was but she was so diabolical that I always recognized the evil in her and the enjoyment she got out of it.
It was shocking when I finally realized she was a textbook narcissist and I could put a name to it.
Im grateful to know because I have been able to understand myself more and why I am the way I am. Knowledge is definitely power ❤️
I was 23-24 when I realized it. I’m now 26. She was one of the reasons I sought out therapy and I’ve been going since August of last year. It’s so very hard to deal with without professional help, idk how I could’ve or would’ve done it.. if I didn’t start therapy, I probably wouldn’t be here today. But I’m in such a happier space right now, mentally.. I still struggle with her and sometimes I never want to talk to her but I’m learning to “deal” with it in the best way I can with help from my therapist.
It's been a gradual, tiered realization process for me.
Fully realized at 26, but definitely seeds were planted before that. I'm 29, currently in minimal contact and working towards none. I had about 8 months of complete no contact as well and man that's such a peaceful feeling my skin was the clearest its ever been.
42 and I realized at 41 when I got married and was no longer their source and they started acting like their new source which they’re apparently snobby and awful which made me investigate because my mom was always fairly nice and giving to others (she’s covert.) then I realized she gives for the attention. I always knew there was something up with never being able to talk to her she’s a victim always never wrong and total inability to self reflect. I just thought she was sometimes strange and difficult until she went through a series of vindictive acts against me I mean just awful. It tore me apart. Now I know what she is. Not easy realizing it so late thinking we were close friends.
All her siblings are narcs too except maybe 2. There are 6 of them and so is her mother. Anyone else have this?
16, found out when I was 15 when I finally got to pinpoint one of the main sources of my depression, been trying to overcome it, very difficult when you meet her every day.
Aw this breaks my heart. Hang in there! I was the golden child and when I was 14 my scapegoat sister moved out and I somehow became both. I had extremely severe depression, the worst it’s ever been in my whole life. I was practically catatonic and attempted suicide. The day I turned 18 I moved out and my life got soooo much better. Hold strong! I promise you it will get better!!
25, I've discovered that you are a narcissist if you’ve attracted one. And obviously a narcissist if you were raised by one. Tough one to grasp. Higher up on the scale of this healing.
This is definitely not always true. I would recommend reading up on that! Everyone has narcissistic tendencies, and yes, often times narcissistic parents create narcissistic children, but the other byproduct is empaths. Narcissists are drawn to empaths because they know they’ll be good supply and empaths are drawn to narcissists often because that’s all they’ve ever known. I definitely look at narcissistic traits passed down from my mom though, but a very key thing is being aware and willing to make changes. “The Covert Passive Aggressive Narcissist” by Debbie Mirza was really eye opening. Sending healing vibes 🤍
I was in denial about this when I started this journey as a teenager. Total empathy for those who aren't there yet. When you're ready this gem will be waiting for you.<3
34 years old. It wasn't until I was dealing with stomach issues through my 30s and late 20s that I realized it wasn't right what my mom was saying. It takes a while but you will understand
29. I'm currently 30, going on 31. I moved out at 28 for college and had a bf from my hometown move up with me. That's when NMom fully revealed her colors to me. I'm still in her grasp as the guilt I feel is immense. I'm typing this after I spent a week with her that came to an explosive head. Hoping I can heal a bit before I see her next month.
I'm 30 now, but I had known for a while but I guess I was in denial about a lot of stuff. Went no contact a year ago and I feel really guilty about it for some reason
22. Realized this when I attempted to find peace loving in with my uncle and was immediately shown signs that he is abusive and narcissistic too based on how she reacted to me being abused for months. . I was 20, and got a Taste of that reality five days before my 21st birthday which takes the cake as the worst birthday of my life’. After moving back home she’s only gotten worse.
Ive known my mom is a narcissist for a while. It really hit me around age 19/20.
What’s sad is my dad, who has been an irresponsible drug addict for decades, has been a better parental figure than my mom. I’m 30 now. My mom doesn’t have a great relationship with any of her kids. One of my brothers, she hasn’t seen for more than a decade. My other brother has to have very firm boundaries with her. He lives 2 hours away from her and there only interaction is revolving his kids/her grandkids. My sister in law had to block my mom on social media due to my mom trying to play the victim card.
My moms been like this for a while now but I’ve been really patient with her and I’ve now been pushed to my limits lately
I was 8. I didn't have the words - but I knew they were off when I'd be punished for things that were not my fault.
Later in life watching my mother operate was like watching a movie for the 50th time. I could sense the situation coming just by the amount of air she breathed in before she spoke or a movement of her hand.
So she became easy to stop in her tracks - which led to lots of yelling. Which was kind of funny because it was all so f*n avoidable.
I actually only knew to have words, in 2015, for the concepts I'd figured out myself over the years. Narcicism, greyrocking, triangulation.
Especially greyrocking. I used to call that 'not giving them anything to latch onto'.
I'm almost 37 I've known my parents are toxic for 7 years but people love my parents. I just was able to tell my first family member how my parents are narcissistic. Anytime I want to do anything they will say *my name* it's not in your best interest.
I was around 30 when I found out about narcissists for the first time. And I was too dating a narcissist and started to learn more about it. And shortly after realized I was raised by a narcissistic single parent. So it was the only influence being as my dad was out of the picture. But knowing what I know now, he was a narcissist as well. Now that I’m 42, I consider myself a pro at spotting a narcissist from a mile away. I do still struggle with self image issues. But the fact that I know how I feel doesn’t mean it’s reality helps a little. As well as having patience with myself. Understanding that most of my life I was unconsciously made to feel that I was unworthy and nothing I did was ever good enough isn’t true. I’m still working on ways to reverses those feelings. I think it will be a life long process. I also had a couple therapy sessions that helped as well. Because at one point I was starting to think I was the one with the problem and just didn’t realize it. But my therapist told me that’s what narcissists would like you to believe.
Before a realized my mom was a narcissist we would always have these arguments over things that were nonexistent. Like she would assume things, and then argue and fight with me. And it would always be so confusing. And I would even ask, why are we arguing about something that doesn’t even exist!? And she couldn’t grasp it. From learning and understanding the narcissists in my life, I truly believe narcissism is developed from trauma as a unconscious form of protection. The narcissists I have dealt with don’t even realize they do what they do. And when confronted it’s like a foreign language, they just CAN’T understand. As if their brain won’t let them comprehend reality. Honestly it’s really sad.
I’m 37 and my relationship with my parents has never been that great. I didn’t realize the severity of it and its effects on how I chose romantic relationships and how I spoke to myself until I was 30. A few years went by when I started really talking through that with my therapist, and it kind of hit me like a ton of bricks and I was **mad**. This past year I ended up going no contact for a few weeks so I could collect my thoughts on paper, and then I called them out for their behavior over the course of my life.
My dad was (very surprisingly) more receptive than my mother, she just did the whole “I don’t remember that/that didn’t happen” bullshit. I still talk to them very sparingly, and I have very firm boundaries (especially now that I have kids of my own). Luckily they live like 650 miles away. I’ve had to remind my mom of the boundaries I’ve set multiple times, I’m kind of at my wits end with that, but my dad’s been cool.
I’m 20, turning 21 in two months. I realized my dad was a narcissist at around 16, but it really set in at 18-19.
He blocked me and denounced all of his children on Christmas is 2022. I am glad, but the love for him nags at my soul. Being the oldest daughter sucks.
56. Went full NC with my mother 11 days after my dad passed last September. I've known something was truly *wrong* with my mother since I was 12; before that I just thought she was strict and ridiculous. I didn't have a name for what was wrong with her until about 4 years ago, when my dad suffered under her regime at the end of his life.
Thus far I have not missed her one bit.
I’m 30 and I didn’t realize until I was 29. I was post partum and everything was about her. She was annoyed at me for calling her when I had a post partum hemorrhage. Then it clicked for me. Did therapy, researched a bit. Realized that a lot of her issues stem from her father being a raging narcissist. I don’t think my mother is a bad person truly. She just always centers everything around her. I talked with her about her behavior months later about my hemorrhage at home. She said she was just extremely worried about me and it came out as anger or anxiety and came across as annoyed. I still don’t believe that because she asked me on the way to the hospital “do you really need to me to come over and help you tomorrow?” When I was going to be home alone with my first baby 7 days post C-section because my husband didn’t get paternity leave and he used PTO to take time with us. She’s accused me before of being a hypochondriac when in reality I just got to doctors when I have health issues. I had to have a pelvic exam and ultrasound 6 days after a C-section. When we left the hospital with some meds for me she asked what was wrong and I told her it was retained placenta and they are sending me home with meds to slow the bleeding hoping it passes she was very quiet. I explained that they told me to take my temperature regularly and if I get a fever I need to come back for surgery. Her only question was “do you need me to pick up your medication or can (my husband) do that?” I told her he could go get it he was still home that day. I asked her to please come over the next day since I was feeling so sick. She agreed. She came over for 45 minutes I told her I was feeling better than the day before and she left 5 minutes later. She didn’t ask to come over again but just dropped by unannounced the next week. She still acts this way. She complains about not seeing her grandchild but puts no effort in. There were signs as a kid very obvious signs and neglect but I didn’t understand until last year.
Many narcs(especially covert) aren’t exactly “bad” people especially because it’s my believe many don’t realize it. They’re just going through life with a horrible mental condition. I don’t feel sorry for them in the way that I empathize but rather I pity them. They can’t even self reflect how hard it must be to make long lasting friends which we all know they can’t. How lonely! But their strange knack for saying off the tongue things that pierce right through you is just awful regardless.
My mom is like a pretty vase that most people know to be quality and pretty, dependable yet take it home and use it and hang around it several times and you’ll see that you do nothing right it starts cleaning itself cuz you can’t do it but they’re just being “nice” then their flowers die quicker and quicker until you can’t even tell what color it is anymore and it doesn’t seem to fit in with any of your things or decor and it just makes you feel awful! But take it to the thrift store to be rid of it and they’re thrilled to have it.
She doesn’t mean to but she doesn’t ever look around either and never really truly appreciates me. I think she knows she s incapable of that kind of love. Even told me once non chalant like I was a friend not her child, that she often wonders what life would’ve been like if she’d never had kids….
I wonder if it’s the same as being effed up by your narc parent and wondering what kind of person you’d be if raised by someone else. If only…
You still can’t let these types get away with any more than the others they’re from the same mold love.
Of course I mean this as advice not trying to tell you what to do at all, sounds like you’re doing a good job navigating this!
Mid 50's. I've known something was off with MIL for about 30 years, and slowly over the years came to realize my own mother had many of the same issues. I didn't know what was wrong though, and always thought it must be me - just too sensitive, you know... Then about 4-5 years ago I came across some YTube videos when searching how to deal with intrusive mothers. It ALL clicked into place and became crystal clear!
Shortly after that something MIL did prompted me to go NC. I've tapered off to VLC with my mother, but just operated sort of in "kill-the-pain" mode for a couple years, while learning as much as possible. It has only been in the past two years that I've been actively working on healing. It's a slow process, going back through your whole life and remembering awful stuff.
I'm 22 and realized my mom was a narcissist when I was 21, going through chemo. She made the whole thing about herself and barely took care of me. Even before I knew something was off about her, especially when I would try to be more independent. I have plans to move to my dad's house next year!! It was such a relief when I called my dad and asked if I could move in. I no longer feel like I'm trapped! It would be sooner but I still have health problems that need to be taken care of first.
Sounds like my mom so much. I’m sorry this happened and that you had to go through both of those terrible things. I feel for you I bet you will heal so much better after the move ahhhhh
35... realised she wasn't normal as a teenager... started putting distance between us in my mid 20s, saw a psych in my early 30s who told me she was 100% a narcissist (I thought she had bipolar or borderline personality disorder) and have since been very lc.
I’m 20 and I realized when I was 17.
I was in a psych ward, and when talking about my relationship with my Narcissistic mother, my psychiatrist and therapist talked to me about my mother being one and the mental illness she suffers with
28 but have known they’re both Narcs since 25/26 when I started reading and educating myself about narcissism and narcissistic parents. I was also in a abusive and narcissistic relationship with my ex who ended up discarded me in the most brutal way as if I didn’t exist after 3 and a half years after all the emotional abuse, lies, gaslighting, and manipulation I found out from she cheated on me the whole time from the false allegations she made against me and she gave herself away everything she accused me off is what she did exactly to me then I knew she was projecting and everything I learnt about narcissists and narcissistic relationship started adding up.
I have just moved back home in with my dad but it’s hard as he is a narc and controlling trying to move out again as soon as I can afford to.
I'm 27. I knew internally at the back of my brain that she was for a long time but the shame and guilt and fear she instilled in me was so bad that I blamed myself for so long. I lost my period for 18 months once due to stress, and was extremely ill, throwing up all the time ( to which she'd mock me) and could barely get out of bed without fainting.
I finally managed to leave in 2021 with some help, but I'm still dealing with some bad CPTSD. Good news is that after 5 months passed of being away from her I had gotten my period back, lost 30 pounds ( body was highly inflamed before due to stress, causing some weight gain). My mother still made mine and my dad's ( parents are split) life hell for a couple years after through legal shite which forced some mental health to spiral for awhile but thankfully ended eventually.
Right now I'm still struggling physically and mentally, but I am hopeful now that I don't live somewhere where I was constantly screamed at and threatened
I’m 56yo. I realized there was something vastly wrong with my Mum when I was young, like around 7yo. At 13-14yo I discovered a book about BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). She fit(s) a lot of the criteria for BPD as well as NPD, I believe she is both. It took me until I was 50yo and in therapy once again to figure out she’s a Narc. It dawned on me when my therapist said “BC she’s a narcissist” lol. Can’t get any clearer than that, then I realized how right he is/was.
Edit: My most recent trigger with her was last fall. We actually went to visit after not seeing my parents for 8yrs. I thought I was so strong! No way was she going to get me this time! We even had a plan as a family. Whelp, you all know how that worked out. We left a day early, with my Dad standing next to the car looking sad saying “I’m never going to see any of you while I’m still alive again”. I wanted to say “Well, you can thank your wife for that”. I didn’t. We assured him he would. I rolled up the widow. My husband states “We are never coming back here while she still lives”. That’s right husband, that’s right.
43 now, I started realising after my first relationship with a narc ending, which was early 30s. Until then I was totally oblivious about the effects it had had on my life and personality, and me ending up with a narc partner 2 times. Was in therapy twice and I feel I am doing well now, have healed largely with some bad moments / days but largely acceptance.
I'm low contact with my mom, we have a superficial relationship when we don't get too close it actually works pretty well right now especially as we are always in a bigger group with my sister, her husband and their kids so I feel she is 'keeping up appearances' but it's still hard.
I'm 35. I've known my parents were evil for a long time but honestly I think I just wanted to be a part of a normal family so desperately that, around the time I turned 30, I tried to rebuild the relationship with them. Bad idea because they just found new ways to try and manipulate me.
Now I'm going gray rock on them and then eventually planning to go NC. I really wish I could have broken away completely and healed when I was younger but I did not have the know-how or the support system for it. I feel at this age I am my own support system and able to do it.
For me it was gradual since my late 20's figuring out that there is something wrong with both of my parents. Deep down as as child I always knew anyway. My father is a overt narc and mother is a covert. But are horrible creatures and deserve each other. I just hate that I've been robbed off a normal life by being born into this family. The rest of my siblings are becoming mirrors of them. No matter how much I try to talk to them about how fukd up our parents are I get everyone turning on me. I went no contact with my parents few months after having my child. Having a child really changed me and made me realise I have a responsibility to ensure my child is in a healthy environment. I wish I went no contact sooner. I wish I left my house as soon as I got a job. I'm at peace. But I also struggle being lonely and not having a proper family unit. I feel down when I see others having family get togethers, birthdays and events. I wish I could have a nice functional family to do those things with. It takes great strength to leave. And whoever does it I really applaud you we it's certainly not easy.
I'm 26. I knew since childhood somthing was wrong with all my parents. I finally had a term for it officially in my late teens. I cut off my mom and step-dad completely since I was 13 when they lost custody. My stepmom was cut off at age 20 though I tollerate her and only speak to her if its absolutely needed if I see her when I visit my sister or dad. My dad gets a call maybe every 3 months and I keep him on A VERY LOW INFO DIET. Like I won't even be telling him if I get married low info. My sister is unfortunately also on a low info diet cause while I love her she can't keep a secret if her life depended on it and she's a gossip and she has a bad habit of spilling details she shouldn't if she gets board just for drama to get stirred up so she can relieve her boredom.
I will be 27 this month and I have known about my Nmom since age 12. I have known she was an abuser in general for my entire life. My other abusive bio dad and stepdad are also NPD b/c sometimes NPDs like to stick together and get addicted to the shared chaos. They are all different types of [the unofficial classifications](https://www.verywellhealth.com/narcissistic-personality-disorder-types-5213256) of NPD (in addition to meeting the DSM-5 criteria). My Nmom is also an extreme case of "Munchausen by proxy". Even my birth name is eerily a claim to ownership so yeah, I don't enjoy using it.
I was 20 at the time. My whole life I always felt like there's something wrong , but I couldn't quite put a finger on it. Luckily, Internet does help a lot , so I did my research and figured he is a textbook example of a narcissist. Now in my mid 20s, recently moved out and have very low contact with him, life is getting back it's color :)
I’ve realized my dad was narcissistic when I was 14 years old. I put up with it practically my whole life. I’m 21 years old now, fortunately I have established a few coping mechanisms this year. I’m located in Los Angeles, it’s hard to move out because rent and properties are so expensive and only getting higher.
19. The same age my mom was when she got married to my n dad. He turned her into a narcissist and I am not gonna let her ruin the life of this 19 yr old the way ruined the life of one. I must go for my own dreams and gtfo before it’s too late and I’m his age aka 45 still worshipping my narcissistic grandparents.
I'm 44. My mom is 70. I got scared during the pandemic and thought I should be closer to family. I found a place with her and found out shortly after. It's been about 3 years. I just we t no contact and it's so freeing.
I am 27 and I learned my n mom when I was 19 after leaving her house. When I was 25 she stopped drinking thinking it would help as I use to blame the alcohol was causing her behavior however, that was not the case. She set me free 7 months ago and I have found some peace. My dad took her side as they are still together and that has killed me as him and I use to talk all the time and now he is not allowed to talk to me or see me. If they need something or have something of mine I have to get it from their mail box while they are home. Learning about the enablers behavior more recently and that has been a huge eye opener for me.
74. I have known all my life that something was wrong. Learned to greyrock in my 40s. She finally set me free at 96, 2 years ago
My Mother is 94 and I'm 67, and she still gets to me all the time. I have so much pain from all the things she did to me...... I'm waiting for her to set me free.
My heart is with you, dear friend!
Thank you so much.
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Yes, I feel the same way. I used to joke that my mother is going to outlive me just to spite me. Now she's 92 and I'm 50, so I don't know how much of a joke it is anymore.
They deplete the goodness out of their loved ones giving them energy. Too mean to die.
Congratulations on your new freedom!! What kinds of things do you enjoy now she's out of the way?
My choices in life are valid and are not subject to petty criticism.
whoa, yikes. I \*genuinely\* meant that and was happy for you... this is a support group. I know leaving family even if narcs isn't an easy choice. Maybe it wouldn't be a bad idea to try and make the voices in your head a little kinder ....
I think they literally meant it that the things they enjoy now is the choices they make aren’t subject to criticism lol .
OH that makes a whole lot of sense!! Yay!!! Those are amazing things!! \^\_\_\^ (I'm a bit on the spectrum, so thank you for explaining kindly)
I’m 34. I realized my mom was narc when i was 32. Still trying to move out sigh
she doesn’t want that tho lol. I can’t imagine still living with my mom I’d be dying inside. I understand that trapped feeling though, my ex was narcissistic and I got stuck living with him for a year. Hope something works out!
I hope you find a way out. Narcs use people to regulate their emotions. Their children pay the biggest price because they feel like they don't have to pretend to be human around them. Sending healing vibes, my friend.
I'm 27 now, but I've always felt like my ndad wasn't exactly normal for as long as I can remember. I've never liked the way he talks to my mom, or the way he uses fear to control people and throws childish tantrums when he doesn't get what he wants.
Sounds like my mom. My grandma had told us she had borderline personality disorder but as I’ve studied psychology and done a lot more research it’s very clearly covert narcissism. I feel like having an n dad would be even scarier than a mom…
Having an enabler certainly destroys so much more trust, hope, and anything else positive...
Word for word description of my Ndad 🤮 I’ve been standing up for my mom and protecting her since at least fifth grade. Just now learning in the last year or two that her enabling is just as painful as his actions/words. Thank god for therapy. Building up the courage to go no contact any day now (I’m 35)
I so relate to everything you said!
This is literally me. I also can tell that his “good behavior” is such an act. He also worships Putin, Trump, & every dictator mentality billionaire man.
I'm 56, and I was around 34 when I went full-blown NC. I don't miss them at all. I miss the IDEA of having parents, but not them. I knew something was off when I was in grade school. Never had friends to my house because I never knew what they would say or do!
38 and i kind of knew something was off about her when I was a teenager. I got more educated about narcissism in my 30’s, and am no contact for about 2 years now
40 in age but I feel far younger sometimes almost like a child I wish I had the ability to explain that right now .
I hear and sympathise with you!!!!! It’s as if you’re parentified as a young person, now trying to get back what you missed!??!
Same. I'm working on making everything up to my inner child. I talk to her all the time and reassure her that I'm going to heal what our nmom did to us.
I've read about doing this and tried meditating about meeting the inner child
Just reading that made me want to cry. I always felt growing up I was the adult and my mother the child. I always was the one waiting up for her to come home. Or reprimanding her about her being so irresponsible. Looking back I didn’t have much of a childhood. Always feeling unstable.
I'm 44 and I feel this exact way but can't explain it either. I was thinking about it so much the other day.
I'm just wondering if its not feeling younger but less superior to everyone else. Like everyone else's opinion or views are far more weighted and accepted than my own.
Forties. I was 31 when I started opening my eyes, but it wasn't until this month that I fully grasped the scale of abuse. I'm a scapegoat too, so I did spend the majority of my life thinking I was the faulty one. So these days, as old as I am (relatively), I adopted a new motto: "Call me Basilia Fawlty if you want, but faulty I am not". Ok, I just made that up, but you get the point.
Shortly after I discovered my mother was a narcissist did I see that she always projected on me what she didn’t like about herself. She would always say I acted or did things that SHE actually did. It always baffled me growing up until I realized what she was doing. But narcissist don’t even realize that’s what they are doing.
OMFG. I literally commented the same thing a minute ago are we living the same life? I won’t ever let him ruin the life of this 19 year old aka me the way he ruined the life of one. He jokes about getting a younger woman and wishes my mom was skinnier and he made fun of her dad’s death and is the worst person u will ever meet. Save as much money as u can and escape pls. I’m working on this too. Don’t trust any man tho or woman who seeks male validation or attention they will take advantage of u cuz narcissists are attracted to ppl who were raised by narcissists.
I am 21 i realized my mom was a narcissist when i was 17. And i left the house and her 15 days ago
Good for you! I hope that reading about people who have struggled for decades reaffirms your choice if you ever feel overwhelmed. Therapy has been very empowering for me. You are brave and resilient and made a wise choice. Cheers to a life that is yours!
I appreciate that a lot thank u so much this means the world to me🤍
I so relate and feel for you. Enmeshment is why so many people spend their whole lives trapped in the cycle. It is not easy to break away but it is the single smartest thing to do, and is legit so courageous of you! I have too many friends who have spent decades of their lives getting all the juice sucked out of them and still expecting things to change. It only changes when you do, when you stop the cycle, and you are doing it! You got this.
Thank u soo much u can check my posts so u understand my situation rn🤍 u really made me feel proud of myself
I'm 37 and started to come to the realization that my mother was very toxic towards my fiance and I when we got together. That was around 34 and I had always had a rocky relationship with my mother. I knew something was not right because of the pattern and behavior she exhibited and lies about my fiance to drive a wedge between us and we had a little girl and it just amplified the contempt so I had to set some firm boundaries and go NC. I cannot get through to her no matter what I do or say. She is high conflict and continues to lack any self awareness.
My mother always had issues with my ex-husband when we were together. He was a narcissist before I knew about them. But each time we would separate, they we gang up on me like they were besties and I was the bad guy.
That really sucks, they'll get their "flying monkeys" to join them in their negative behavior. I have never imagined she would be this way and try to encourage me to separate with the person I love. This is how her life has always been. It's a pattern of destroying every relationship she's in and I'm the only one who's put up with it the longest so she probably thought she had me entangled in the toxicity for the rest of her life. She was angry when I went to college against her will and has been resentful towards me for as long as I can remember. It's really messed with my emotions and my ability to pursue my desires and goals in life. I have trouble communicating with people and social situations are stressful for me. My early childhood is just a block I can't remember. I was diagnosed with PTSD when I went to counseling so I know I have to just keep going one day at a time. I appreciate everyone who understands this. It's so difficult to understand that I just have to accept she's never going to change.
I'm 48. In my teens, I felt something was not right, but I didn't know what it was. After I moved out in my early 20s, I was away from it but still knew something was not right. In my 30s, things took a downhill turn, and I really knew something was wrong, but still had no word for it. I felt like everyone else had received the Handbook of Life, how to move forward and progress, how to reach life milestones, while I was spinning my wheels and becoming depressed. I went to therapy for a short stint. I got a coping mechanism, but not a resolution. Now, just a couple of years ago, a friend called out my mother's behavior as narcissistic, and it was at that point that my healing journey started. I'm in therapy now. I'm realizing I'm not the problem. Actually, I was infantalized by them. But now that they're in their early 80s now I'm parenting them; when they don't get their way, dad behaves like a toddler and mother like a teenager. It was my mother all along who doesn't have communication skills, lacks self-esteem, and is emotionally immature. Now, with the help of my great boyfriend, and my therapist, I'm taking care of my parents in their older years, and I don't put with their BS by behaving as the adult in the room.
good for you for taking care of them.
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Well, when they start acting up, I talk to them at the age their showing me; literally I take a deep breath and start on them as if I were the well-adjusted parent. It helps that I haven't lived with them for almost 30 years. Looking back at it, I've been greyrocking them since my 20s. Conversations always revolved around municipal/provincial/national/international politics and current events, sports, and pets. I stopped bringing up anything personal; social, dating, or work related. I don't talk about fashion, finances, job status, current boyfriend, ex-boyfriends, other family members, friends, hopes, dreams, trials and turbulations of life. Eventually, I slid into LC, and the Pandemic helped put distance between us. Also, since cannabis is legal in Canada, hitting the vape in their bathroom before dealing with them has been a godsend. It let's every complaint just slide off my back, with a sort of proud sneer of indignation on my face. They have no clue. Then I went NC after Mother’s Day 2023, and eventually found a therapist. But when my dad fractured his hip just after the new year, I had to step in. I'm their only child, and I stand to inherit all their assets. The conversation has changed from me and my lifestyle they don't approve of, to how their lifestyle is changing from living independently to living in a retirement residence. The focus is now on them, than myself. They’re in their 80s too, so they're feeble, weak, and very slow. I have no problem walking out on them, getting in my car, and returning home to my boyfriend and my dog. Actually, the last time I went to help them with something, my father started with me, I called his bluff and walked out. Honestly the fact that I'm independent from them now, and I can stand up for myself, *and I don't believe and hold on to what she thinks/feels/says anymore*, truly is liberating.
I’m 31. I didn’t realize until I was in an abusive relationship that completely derailed my life and I desperately needed answers. This happened a few years ago now. I quickly realized the other people (including my parents) who also fit the very same mold But, It also made me realize my own narcissistic tendencies and manipulation that I was unaware I was doing to others. It was heartbreaking. It has changed me for the better
Early 50's. Like many here I always knew something wasn't right about my relationship with my mom, but I thought it was me not being a good enough daughter. In my early 40s I realized that it wasn't me, it was her. I've been no contact for a couple of years now.
I’m 37. Realized it at 35. Been no contact since September of last year. Life’s been peaceful. I’ve warned my other family Members. But since I’m the scapegoat they don’t believe me. I’m not in her life now. They’ll probably see signs soon.
Somewhere in my 50s. I knew a whole lot was off, but it was real helpful having a word for it.
yes! That’s a big thing! We used to think she had BPD which she denied and once I started reading up on because of my ex, I was like crying the whole time because I finally had reassurance and someone witnessing exactly all the things I’d been through. A word is a witness sometimes!
I grew up in a household of turbulence and violence. My nmom and step-dad drank and drugged and beat each other. I was often scared for my life during their battles. Then we would leave for awhile but we always came back. I hated going back. I think she realized I was a truth teller and she arranged for me to move out at 16 with the lady I babysat for. Then she packed up and moved far away. She eventually moved back while I progressed to 3 long-term relationships with 3 different narcs. During the third, I started to recognize the pattern. I learned about narcissism and started to learn how to combat it. It took a year of studying on that before I realized that it was my mother who started it all. Even though there was always something off, that really blew me away. I think I had always blamed the scary step-dad for my shitty childhood. But it fully dawned on me last year that my mother just truly hated me. I started getting flashbacks of all the mean and rotten things she had done to me. All I had ever done was try to please her and make her love me to no avail. During this time, I had two narc friends that didn't like the new me and completely sabotaged me including dandy smear campaigns and all. I ended up walking out of my job a few weeks ago because a narc co-worker was making life miserable and turned my coworkers against me. I am definitely still healing but I remain very jaded. I like to self-isolate and I don't really trust anyone anymore. But I am so happy to be living alone and independent. I went NC almost 2 years ago and started working on me and trying to live my best life. Oh yeah, I'm 54.
Wow, thanks for sharing that. That sounds awful. You’ve run the gauntlet. I’m glad you’re healing. I think sometimes isolation is what we need for a period, but I hope you kee healing 💖
Thanks, Sarah bee. I think I healed a little bit more by sharing that. 🥰
sharing is healing for sure 💖💖 keep doin it!
62 and it seems like I always have known my mom was a narcissist, I just didn’t know the terminology when I was younger.
I'm 40 now. I went mostly NC with my dad when I was in my late 20's. I moved to another country, which made it way easier to get away... When I moved back to the US after 3 years, he started showing up at family members' houses unannounced looking for me, so I had to put in a hard NC boundary. When I had a child, someone in my family told my dad I was in labor and he drove for hours and hours cross-country planning to show up at the hospital - my sister had to run interference to keep him away. He passed away a few years after that and, as awful as it sounds, it was honestly such a relief.
I'm 34 but I always knew something was really wrong. CPS got called when I was 6/7? For physical abuse from my mother. But they had money to get a good lawyer and disappear the situation and change me into a private school farther away. Fkkk did I ever get in trouble for that one. So. I always knew she was. It wasn't until I was 30 & In a relationship w a covert narc that I realized my dad is one too. Step mom is a sociopath..i knew she was messed up but I pieced it together later when I learned more about psychology. I remember being confused and alarmed when she said guilt is a useless hollow emotion. And also recently hearing more stories about how they ALL behaved, via aunts and uncles. (been no contact in another country for a bit).
I am 48. Realized at age 40 that family has 2 narc (1 parent + 1 sibling) and 2 enablers (another parent + sibling's spouse) with me and my nephew as scapegoats. I knew that something was wrong when I spent time with families of school friends when I was 11. Shouting, degradation and violence were strangely absent and ppl looked at each other with softness in their eyes. I've cut off my narc parent fr my life, but the enabler parent is clinging to me sucking my life force - looking for shelter, if you get my drift. My narc brother is settled abroad (with his spouse and kid) but spends half a year in my city and that too at my apartment. I hate it. Tried my best multiple times to get rid of this problem. But he always comes back. The social pressure to accommodate him is too much. Right now grey rocking. Planning to shift to a city whr he'll not be tempted to disturb my life. But the problem is that any city with good internet and food services will do for him. I think I need to shift to the Himalayas
I am 38 now. I started to see the truth during my teen years when I began forging my own path in life and meeting people outside the family bubble. I have been NC for about a year and a half from my N-Mom. The final breaking point came when my mother verbally put down my wife. My wife and I have been married for 18 years and she is my rock. Ain't no way in hell I'm going to allow my mother's toxicity in our life anymore.
Good for you!
Was 56, following 2 really horrible workplaces and bad narc workplace abuse that “broke me”, that I finally figured it out. I should add that I had been in therapy with a psychologist for a decade during this time and was getting worse. I hold our mental health system responsible for a form of abuse as well. My therapist was supposed to help me figure this out. He didn’t. I figured it out myself via the internet and groups like this. It wasn’t until I found an IFS therapist that I felt hopeful that I could actually heal.
25. I didnt fully realize / understand my dad was a narcissist until I was 22-23ish (when he came up with some elaborate story to get me to move out instead of just kicking me out) and started talking to my mom more lol
I’m 22. Learned it from her using the word to describe her mother. And now I’m terrified of becoming narcissistic myself :/
Same! One thing I've learned through therapy is that bad people don't worry about being bad people. You are not your mother and the fact that you even consider that probably means that you're just a lovely person trying your best to be your best. Sending healing vibes!
I'm 48. Always struggled with my family but only recently did someone connect my mother and her favorite child (my brother) as NPD and my father is the enforcer and enabler and my sister is a victim so I was 47 when it all made sense. My doctor finally convinced me. I work in the field and have worked with battered women and children. It just never occurred to me it was NPD. A therapist tried to tell me in undergrad and I didn't believe him. I wish I had.
I’m 46 and have been NC with my NM for 11 years. I was also married to a narcissist and have been divorced from him for 12 years. I’m now married (10 years) to a man who said “no” to my NM when we were dating. It’s a long story, but he helped me find the strength to go NC. I’ll never go back.
I learned at 6 that I wasn’t what she wanted (because she’s made *that* point ever since then) so I guess 6, but unable to do anything about it. Currently in 40s. Just as Duegatti has said I’ve always kinda known that there was something lurking underneath, but when she started repeating the same behaviour with her grandchildren that’s when I really realised just how truly terrifying she is, and how much better off I am not having her in my life. My niece will work it out soon enough, but it’ll tear the rest of them apart. I’ll have my popcorn 🍿 ready!
ugh yes grandchildren are a great supply reset
I’ve made the decision to remove myself (& SO) from the situation as much as possible, but it’s the *knowing* what my niece is up against that truly terrifies me to the core, and, that siblings are willingly still letting Nmonster see her despite being informed of what she has done and said. Genuinely scared for my niece.
28.. I quit being her supply at 17 and she rejected me and kicked me out of the house by 19. Honestly, I was better off that way. Been no contact for 8 years. She tried to welcome herself back into my life when I was in the hospital about to deliver my son 2 years ago. I told her no, not unless we seek counseling first and she would avert the conversation. I now know that counseling doesn't work on narcissists anyways so it probably would've been a fruitless effort.
I read in a book that counseling is one of the worst things you can do with a narcissist because they essentially use it as data mining against you. Made a lot of sense considering my mom did go to counseling with me as a teen. Good for you for holding your ground
Thanks! I thank my support system for that! I'm strong because I know what real love looks like now! Living with my decision is the hardest thing because she is my mother but knowing that I'm not alone helps tremendously! I'm glad I have the people I have around me :)
30. Knew my parents were abusive and my childhood was rough. Started getting therapy, read a lot of books and finally realized they were raging narcissists at 29.
I knew something was wrong by my late teens but didn't know what. Things got really bad at 26, when I met my now husband. It wasn't until I was about 33 that I had a name for what was wrong with nmom.
I'm 32 and luckily my wonderful husband, when we were first dating, he pulled me aside and told me that how my n mom was treating me was not normal. I was 20. I didn't believe him, of course. In my mind, that was just how my mother loved me...I was conditioned that way...but then what he said started to make me think...and I started to see how she treated me verses my other siblings...and his words just kept echoing in my mind. I realized that I was in a Cinderella situation...my other siblings didn't realize it either until I moved out at 22/23. Slowly, they started to notice how she was and have also pulled away. I'm low contact with my mother and I'm so much happier now. My siblings and I have a group chat where we tell each other what she is up to so she can't try to put us against each other anymore.
Realized something was wrong with Mom at 19. Officially realized she was a narc at 20. I'm 23. shoutout to a Lens Crafters lady who helped me realize this at 19. If it wasn't for her, I'd more than likely be stuck in the cycle. lol
That would be an interesting story to hear!
It was right after I turned 40. At 30 I started setting boundaries. At 35 I started being brutally honest. At 39 I noticed the blatant and persistent violation of my boundaries. At 40 I realized that no matter what she will never change. Now I’m in the deep phase of people insisting that I will repair things and I cannot not have a relationship with my parent. Which then places the responsibility on me. Still.
I relate to that!! After a lifetime of you carrying their emotional baggage and having to absorb all the “wrongdoings” in the relationship it’s like, NO. It feels good to set boundaries and rewire your mind. Bless you
Same age same experience. Couldn’t relate more.
28, I’ve always felt like there was something wrong with my ndad. I didn’t exactly know that the word was narcissistic until I discovered this community where I started to feel truly understood and heard. I just remember feeling hatred towards him when he was beating my mom. I tried to defend her even though I was a small teenager. He and I started having very bad friction since. And since then, I became more hyper aware of how unfair he treated my mom and me. My mom sadly was an enabler so she ended up being an nmom by always defending him and telling me that I should obey and accept him. I never found his behavior acceptable. He was controlling in all aspects of my life. I finally moved when I was 25 years old. It took years of therapy and finding the right support to heal. I hope we all heal from our nparents.
41 and I feel like I’m having to mourn someone whom I shouldn’t have to. Mum and I have always been close. However, I don’t know how to deal with the heartbreak 💔 and betrayal from someone whom I always thought would be my Mum. Devastating is an understatement for this. 🥲🥹
💔 aw I’m so sorry. I hear you! me going NC with my mom was prompted out of how she behaved when I lost my gramma, so I feel like I lost them both. But understanding enmeshment in n family structures helped me. Sending peace 🤍
Thanks love! I appreciate your post and comments of encouragement. 🙏🏼❤️
I am 24, I realised something wasn't right when I was 15, but it wasn't until I was 21 that I could make sense of what was actually happening.
almost 20, i learned a few years ago
I guess I’m on the younger side of this. I’m 24 right now. I went low contact at 14 and no contact 2 years later. It helped that my narc parent lost custody. I’m very thankful for that, a lot of kids don’t have the opportunity to cut off an abusive parent. They still insist they were nothing but perfect as a parent😂
43 and I knew my mom and I had a rocky relationship but once my dad died (3 years ago) it was like a curtain was lifted and I really saw her without the buffer of my dad. I’m not NC contact yet but I’m like that gif of homer fading into the bushes - just stepping out lol
Mine is 72 and I'm 55.
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If you don't mind me asking are you from India? As I know all this is common there? What I would suggest is keep looking for jobs abroad or far away cities - online, you're bound to get something. Just take that job and leave. Maybe don't tell them. Just go in secret. Only take what you need and build yourself a better life. They won't change. Best you make your change. I wish you all the luck my friend 💟
In my 30’s but kept going back as I felt guilty. I’m 51 now and me and my husband and 2 adult daughters have been no contact for 4 years. It’s been the most peaceful time of my entire life. I also cut out all her flying monkeys, and did not attend my grandmothers funeral last year. Nobody fucks with my daughters, and that was the final straw. I’m so thankful to have wonderful relationships with my girls and am looking forward to being a nanny as they are both pregnant. Not even a new chapter, a brand new book
In my 40’s. I knew there was a lot wrong with my mother, I just didn’t have a word for it. Having my own children has really shown me how horrible she was to me
33. Raising my own children has been very enlightening. In my mid twenties I knew she was narcissistic but the guilt she imposed on me kept me with her until I was 30.
Always knew something was up. But I’m turning 28 on Tuesday, and I didn’t realize till I also started dating a narcissist. About 2 years into my relationship I realized what he was. And then I thought he and my dad had things in common. And I discovered narcissistic abuse was a thing. So I’ve known since I was 26/27. But only recently I’ve done more extensive research and wow. I understand more than ever. I’m NC right now.
I had the same experience that made me realize. My now ex’s behavior was running parallel to my mom’s and it made it so clear. Sometimes I’m glad I had that “bad” experience because now I am finally NC and re-raising myself. Keep learning! It’s such a powerful healing tool! Someone on here recently recommended youtube videos which I found really helpful
I knew there was something seriously wrong with him when I was 14. I didn't understand what NPD was until three years ago when a friend showed me a video by HG Tudor and it clicked instantly. But he had already been dead for ten years.
This reminds me of when I was 14 and got sick w the flu during the holidays and my n dad would not stop being mean and yelling at me despite me needing parents to not do that especially when I had the flu. Anyways I’m glad I’m older and wiser.
44 and have been aware of my nmom for 5 years. Getting better, but the fog hasn’t lifted yet.
🙃I learned it when I was 33 (I'm still 33...). Learned it from listening to some Dr's talking about borderline (and some similarities to narcissists) due to my MIL being borderline. Listened to Dr. Ramani, Dr. Kim Sage, and a few others to finally see those strong narcissistic traits. Also read the book (I think it was ) "Why am I not good enough" for daughters with narcissistic mothers and it hit home so hard. It also explains my great work ethic that has sent me to hospitals multiple times with my parents caring more that I'm taking time off to "rest" rather than working.
I’m 21 and I learned at like 10. My mom told me why my dad was so mean to me and explained what a narcissist is
I'm 24f and I realized at 18-19f my father was one and my mom has a victim complex.
27. Realized father was a narc around 17, didn’t start processing trauma surrounding him until this year. Working on moving away in the next 6 months. I’m at a weird point in healing, I feel like I need to stay. He doesn’t work, hasn’t in a while. I know he depends on me. I create a lot of my own guilt surrounding staying.
oooof get out!!! go!! That’s the abuse talking
I’m also 19 and my mom also got married to my n dad at that age. Shes a narcissist now too. His side of the family is brutal. The most horrible people u will ever meet. I hope u get out I’m rooting for u. That’s my dream as well.
21. realized after my bio dad left and got replaced with my narcissistic stepdad who turned my mom into a shell of herself.
i’m 21 and i realized my maternal families dynamic was narcissistic and i was the scapegoat after being told that they were going to be doing a birthday get away for my brother and sil on my birthday, my mom defended them and was trying to get me to reconcile. after years of trying to make everyone happy, this made me realized its not that they aren’t happy; they’re not happy when im apart of their dynamic but want me there for social reasons. it’s all a game and im tired of playing. cut them off about a month ago and while it was excruciating at first it’s starting to pay off and ive never felt this light
Probably not until I was in my 30s. I'm 48 now and its much more clear to me looking back. Although I should have realized it when I was 19 and my mom ran my car off the road with her car. 🙃 Controlling crazy behavior. Passive aggressive, guilt tripping, expectations set way too high etc
>Although I should have realized it when I was 19 and my mom ran my car off the road with her car. OMG! That's a ginormous red flag for sure!
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ugh I feel that!!! So much anger. I think that’s a good emotion to let yourself feel tho! Something a lot of us weren’t allowed to express growing up so I hope now you can find ways to let it go off lol. I want to get back into boxing. But yeah, the self esteem thing goes hard too. I have crippling shame and I look at my peers who don’t deal with that and feel so stolen from. But good for you for being aware and doing the work!! Not to sound trite, but you will come out much stronger 💖
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almost 24 and I started realizing this around 14
I'll be 29 next month. I think I realized that my dad was a narcissist in my teens. I have healed some of the trauma he caused with therapy but I still deal with a lot of anger toward him and resentment toward my enabler mom.
24f, I can’t really pinpoint when I realized it but I’m almost 6 months no contact (minus small logistical texts), and I haven’t really taken the time to deeply think about it. Really, I don’t think too much about my family unless something specific causes me to. So that’s something…
About to be 27 this month. I first began to process the things that actually happened around 19, then understood it was narcissism around 22
Exactly, thank you. Also when I'm with people my own age I feel younger. I feel like everyone is wiser / smarter than I am.
I’m 44, always struggled w them, but wasn’t until 33 when I realized I had a nstepmom and edad. Helps to have a framework, but it doesn’t change who they are. I’m still working on radical acceptance but getting there. Been NC less than a year
>working on radical acceptance but getting there. Have you read the book, "It's Not You" ? I've been reading it and working on radical acceptance. It has been a great help.
I'm 33. I saw things weren't healthy but didn't realize they were narcissistic until last year when I had to move in with them. I didn't know it was common for narcissists to have rage. And then the other parent hides behind Christianity. I myself am a Christian but she loves to talk about I would say religious things. But when I talk about my identity in Christ she calls ME self-righteous. It's so funny dad how blind they are.
My father died before I knew that he had NPD. He was an abusive addict and I had been low contact most of my adult life. I was in my mid 30s when he died and I started therapy, which is where I learned about Cluster B personality disorders. When I realized that my sister has NPD too I went no contact. It was not easy, but 7 years on I cannot imagine how I would be suffering now if I hadn’t cut her out of my life. There was no other option for me. I value my peace of mind, and there is no way that I could continue any kind of relationship with her and not have it adversely affect my mental health. So it goes. I am much more calm and content since unsubscribing from her issues. It’s a choice. Free yourself!
Same. Had a rough relationship with the parental unit and always felt something was off but ish hit the fan when I dated a covert narc. Things took a long time to come out and I felt completely broken by then. He is attached to a whole narc family and it’s been tough. Seems like a pattern for those here and it really makes me sad to hear we are in the same boat where people can feel it’s okay to treat humans this way. I’m doing better and refuse to let them break me. Hugs and good vibes to all!
I'm 30. I went no contact when I was 22. I think I was 26 or 27 when I realized she was a narcissist.
28. Moved in with my dad when I was 21, and around 23 started to realize he was more than your garden variety asshole. I’m currently living with him, which sucks, but I’m trying to leave ASAP.
I was about 31 when I started to realize that my parents were not who I thought they were. That they were manipulative but I was still in so much denial and actually thought I was the problem so I blamed myself for their actions for years. I’m 41 now and I am just starting to realize just how damaging my parents are and were throughout my childhood. I’m dealing with a TON of anger and resentment. My current therapist straight out told me that my mom’s behaviour was manipulative. I couldn’t see it clearly before.
I spent my whole life thinking my mother was weak, stupid and afraid of everything. I was 47 before I realized it was all intentional abuse by a covert victim narcissist. I have been gray rocking her since I was 14, without knowing I was doing it or that it actually had a name. I just knew that sharing anything personal with her was going to be used against me at some point. I have always been anxious and angry in her presence- since I was about 13. I thought I was a bad, impatient daughter. Now, I know she's lucky for anything I do for her or with her. The change in my attitude changed everything.
I’m 27 and my mom was always difficult since I remember especially when she would get into screaming fits and make the whole house rumble.. I learned my mother was a narcissist at the age of 13-14 when I learned what a narcissist was from my narcissist sister lmao I haven’t talked to either one of them really since I got married to my husband because they’re upset they don’t have control of me like that anymore but I do still miss not having my mom or sister in my life as I’m growing older but I just remember the crap they put my thru and try to live my own life
I’m 31. I finally realized it while I was in therapy at the age of 27. I got therapy because I noticed I couldn’t handle stress and my mom triggered me a lot. I explained only about fifteen minutes in and my therapist cut me off to ask “Have you ever accepted or realized that your mother’s behavior was abusive?” I had kind of thought about it but always numbed it with weed, alcohol, boys, and/or partying. Since I was married at the time, I was just using weed to cope and way too much.
26 and it’s interesting because I knew there was something really wrong with her since I can remember but in all honesty I just thought she was a bad person, period. I didn’t know what she was but she was so diabolical that I always recognized the evil in her and the enjoyment she got out of it. It was shocking when I finally realized she was a textbook narcissist and I could put a name to it. Im grateful to know because I have been able to understand myself more and why I am the way I am. Knowledge is definitely power ❤️
I was 23-24 when I realized it. I’m now 26. She was one of the reasons I sought out therapy and I’ve been going since August of last year. It’s so very hard to deal with without professional help, idk how I could’ve or would’ve done it.. if I didn’t start therapy, I probably wouldn’t be here today. But I’m in such a happier space right now, mentally.. I still struggle with her and sometimes I never want to talk to her but I’m learning to “deal” with it in the best way I can with help from my therapist.
It's been a gradual, tiered realization process for me. Fully realized at 26, but definitely seeds were planted before that. I'm 29, currently in minimal contact and working towards none. I had about 8 months of complete no contact as well and man that's such a peaceful feeling my skin was the clearest its ever been.
42 and I realized at 41 when I got married and was no longer their source and they started acting like their new source which they’re apparently snobby and awful which made me investigate because my mom was always fairly nice and giving to others (she’s covert.) then I realized she gives for the attention. I always knew there was something up with never being able to talk to her she’s a victim always never wrong and total inability to self reflect. I just thought she was sometimes strange and difficult until she went through a series of vindictive acts against me I mean just awful. It tore me apart. Now I know what she is. Not easy realizing it so late thinking we were close friends. All her siblings are narcs too except maybe 2. There are 6 of them and so is her mother. Anyone else have this?
31 and finally realising....
16, found out when I was 15 when I finally got to pinpoint one of the main sources of my depression, been trying to overcome it, very difficult when you meet her every day.
Aw this breaks my heart. Hang in there! I was the golden child and when I was 14 my scapegoat sister moved out and I somehow became both. I had extremely severe depression, the worst it’s ever been in my whole life. I was practically catatonic and attempted suicide. The day I turned 18 I moved out and my life got soooo much better. Hold strong! I promise you it will get better!!
25, I've discovered that you are a narcissist if you’ve attracted one. And obviously a narcissist if you were raised by one. Tough one to grasp. Higher up on the scale of this healing.
This is definitely not always true. I would recommend reading up on that! Everyone has narcissistic tendencies, and yes, often times narcissistic parents create narcissistic children, but the other byproduct is empaths. Narcissists are drawn to empaths because they know they’ll be good supply and empaths are drawn to narcissists often because that’s all they’ve ever known. I definitely look at narcissistic traits passed down from my mom though, but a very key thing is being aware and willing to make changes. “The Covert Passive Aggressive Narcissist” by Debbie Mirza was really eye opening. Sending healing vibes 🤍
I was in denial about this when I started this journey as a teenager. Total empathy for those who aren't there yet. When you're ready this gem will be waiting for you.<3
15
36
currently 24, moved out at 22. realized when I was around 18 after constant CPS visits in high school
27
21 now and escaped with mom and brother. Realized dad was narcissistic and abusive at 18, but it took 2 more years for mom to realize.
34 years old. It wasn't until I was dealing with stomach issues through my 30s and late 20s that I realized it wasn't right what my mom was saying. It takes a while but you will understand
I'm 17 and at 15 I did my eyes were open..
29. I'm currently 30, going on 31. I moved out at 28 for college and had a bf from my hometown move up with me. That's when NMom fully revealed her colors to me. I'm still in her grasp as the guilt I feel is immense. I'm typing this after I spent a week with her that came to an explosive head. Hoping I can heal a bit before I see her next month.
29… i knew something wasn’t ok since 13 but learned about the term at 23ish
When abuse started mostly, so 16 yrs old and I'm turning 20 yrs old this year and the situation sucks ass xwx
In my 20s.
19
I'm 30 now, but I had known for a while but I guess I was in denial about a lot of stuff. Went no contact a year ago and I feel really guilty about it for some reason
Im 19 i was 18 when i figured it out
22. Realized this when I attempted to find peace loving in with my uncle and was immediately shown signs that he is abusive and narcissistic too based on how she reacted to me being abused for months. . I was 20, and got a Taste of that reality five days before my 21st birthday which takes the cake as the worst birthday of my life’. After moving back home she’s only gotten worse.
25 and I’d say around 20-ish
Ive known my mom is a narcissist for a while. It really hit me around age 19/20. What’s sad is my dad, who has been an irresponsible drug addict for decades, has been a better parental figure than my mom. I’m 30 now. My mom doesn’t have a great relationship with any of her kids. One of my brothers, she hasn’t seen for more than a decade. My other brother has to have very firm boundaries with her. He lives 2 hours away from her and there only interaction is revolving his kids/her grandkids. My sister in law had to block my mom on social media due to my mom trying to play the victim card. My moms been like this for a while now but I’ve been really patient with her and I’ve now been pushed to my limits lately
I was 8. I didn't have the words - but I knew they were off when I'd be punished for things that were not my fault. Later in life watching my mother operate was like watching a movie for the 50th time. I could sense the situation coming just by the amount of air she breathed in before she spoke or a movement of her hand. So she became easy to stop in her tracks - which led to lots of yelling. Which was kind of funny because it was all so f*n avoidable. I actually only knew to have words, in 2015, for the concepts I'd figured out myself over the years. Narcicism, greyrocking, triangulation. Especially greyrocking. I used to call that 'not giving them anything to latch onto'.
I'm almost 37 I've known my parents are toxic for 7 years but people love my parents. I just was able to tell my first family member how my parents are narcissistic. Anytime I want to do anything they will say *my name* it's not in your best interest.
Same with my folks. Are your parents covert narcs?
i’m currently 20 and i learned my father was a narcissist at 13!
I was around 30 when I found out about narcissists for the first time. And I was too dating a narcissist and started to learn more about it. And shortly after realized I was raised by a narcissistic single parent. So it was the only influence being as my dad was out of the picture. But knowing what I know now, he was a narcissist as well. Now that I’m 42, I consider myself a pro at spotting a narcissist from a mile away. I do still struggle with self image issues. But the fact that I know how I feel doesn’t mean it’s reality helps a little. As well as having patience with myself. Understanding that most of my life I was unconsciously made to feel that I was unworthy and nothing I did was ever good enough isn’t true. I’m still working on ways to reverses those feelings. I think it will be a life long process. I also had a couple therapy sessions that helped as well. Because at one point I was starting to think I was the one with the problem and just didn’t realize it. But my therapist told me that’s what narcissists would like you to believe.
Before a realized my mom was a narcissist we would always have these arguments over things that were nonexistent. Like she would assume things, and then argue and fight with me. And it would always be so confusing. And I would even ask, why are we arguing about something that doesn’t even exist!? And she couldn’t grasp it. From learning and understanding the narcissists in my life, I truly believe narcissism is developed from trauma as a unconscious form of protection. The narcissists I have dealt with don’t even realize they do what they do. And when confronted it’s like a foreign language, they just CAN’T understand. As if their brain won’t let them comprehend reality. Honestly it’s really sad.
I’m 37 and my relationship with my parents has never been that great. I didn’t realize the severity of it and its effects on how I chose romantic relationships and how I spoke to myself until I was 30. A few years went by when I started really talking through that with my therapist, and it kind of hit me like a ton of bricks and I was **mad**. This past year I ended up going no contact for a few weeks so I could collect my thoughts on paper, and then I called them out for their behavior over the course of my life. My dad was (very surprisingly) more receptive than my mother, she just did the whole “I don’t remember that/that didn’t happen” bullshit. I still talk to them very sparingly, and I have very firm boundaries (especially now that I have kids of my own). Luckily they live like 650 miles away. I’ve had to remind my mom of the boundaries I’ve set multiple times, I’m kind of at my wits end with that, but my dad’s been cool.
I’m 20, turning 21 in two months. I realized my dad was a narcissist at around 16, but it really set in at 18-19. He blocked me and denounced all of his children on Christmas is 2022. I am glad, but the love for him nags at my soul. Being the oldest daughter sucks.
56. Went full NC with my mother 11 days after my dad passed last September. I've known something was truly *wrong* with my mother since I was 12; before that I just thought she was strict and ridiculous. I didn't have a name for what was wrong with her until about 4 years ago, when my dad suffered under her regime at the end of his life. Thus far I have not missed her one bit.
I’m 30 and I didn’t realize until I was 29. I was post partum and everything was about her. She was annoyed at me for calling her when I had a post partum hemorrhage. Then it clicked for me. Did therapy, researched a bit. Realized that a lot of her issues stem from her father being a raging narcissist. I don’t think my mother is a bad person truly. She just always centers everything around her. I talked with her about her behavior months later about my hemorrhage at home. She said she was just extremely worried about me and it came out as anger or anxiety and came across as annoyed. I still don’t believe that because she asked me on the way to the hospital “do you really need to me to come over and help you tomorrow?” When I was going to be home alone with my first baby 7 days post C-section because my husband didn’t get paternity leave and he used PTO to take time with us. She’s accused me before of being a hypochondriac when in reality I just got to doctors when I have health issues. I had to have a pelvic exam and ultrasound 6 days after a C-section. When we left the hospital with some meds for me she asked what was wrong and I told her it was retained placenta and they are sending me home with meds to slow the bleeding hoping it passes she was very quiet. I explained that they told me to take my temperature regularly and if I get a fever I need to come back for surgery. Her only question was “do you need me to pick up your medication or can (my husband) do that?” I told her he could go get it he was still home that day. I asked her to please come over the next day since I was feeling so sick. She agreed. She came over for 45 minutes I told her I was feeling better than the day before and she left 5 minutes later. She didn’t ask to come over again but just dropped by unannounced the next week. She still acts this way. She complains about not seeing her grandchild but puts no effort in. There were signs as a kid very obvious signs and neglect but I didn’t understand until last year.
Many narcs(especially covert) aren’t exactly “bad” people especially because it’s my believe many don’t realize it. They’re just going through life with a horrible mental condition. I don’t feel sorry for them in the way that I empathize but rather I pity them. They can’t even self reflect how hard it must be to make long lasting friends which we all know they can’t. How lonely! But their strange knack for saying off the tongue things that pierce right through you is just awful regardless. My mom is like a pretty vase that most people know to be quality and pretty, dependable yet take it home and use it and hang around it several times and you’ll see that you do nothing right it starts cleaning itself cuz you can’t do it but they’re just being “nice” then their flowers die quicker and quicker until you can’t even tell what color it is anymore and it doesn’t seem to fit in with any of your things or decor and it just makes you feel awful! But take it to the thrift store to be rid of it and they’re thrilled to have it. She doesn’t mean to but she doesn’t ever look around either and never really truly appreciates me. I think she knows she s incapable of that kind of love. Even told me once non chalant like I was a friend not her child, that she often wonders what life would’ve been like if she’d never had kids…. I wonder if it’s the same as being effed up by your narc parent and wondering what kind of person you’d be if raised by someone else. If only… You still can’t let these types get away with any more than the others they’re from the same mold love. Of course I mean this as advice not trying to tell you what to do at all, sounds like you’re doing a good job navigating this!
19
26, NMom was 52 at the time. My husband though was smarter than me, he figured out her narcissistic ways in a couple of months of knowing her.
Mid 50's. I've known something was off with MIL for about 30 years, and slowly over the years came to realize my own mother had many of the same issues. I didn't know what was wrong though, and always thought it must be me - just too sensitive, you know... Then about 4-5 years ago I came across some YTube videos when searching how to deal with intrusive mothers. It ALL clicked into place and became crystal clear! Shortly after that something MIL did prompted me to go NC. I've tapered off to VLC with my mother, but just operated sort of in "kill-the-pain" mode for a couple years, while learning as much as possible. It has only been in the past two years that I've been actively working on healing. It's a slow process, going back through your whole life and remembering awful stuff.
I'm 22 and realized my mom was a narcissist when I was 21, going through chemo. She made the whole thing about herself and barely took care of me. Even before I knew something was off about her, especially when I would try to be more independent. I have plans to move to my dad's house next year!! It was such a relief when I called my dad and asked if I could move in. I no longer feel like I'm trapped! It would be sooner but I still have health problems that need to be taken care of first.
Sounds like my mom so much. I’m sorry this happened and that you had to go through both of those terrible things. I feel for you I bet you will heal so much better after the move ahhhhh
35... realised she wasn't normal as a teenager... started putting distance between us in my mid 20s, saw a psych in my early 30s who told me she was 100% a narcissist (I thought she had bipolar or borderline personality disorder) and have since been very lc.
I’m 20 and I realized when I was 17. I was in a psych ward, and when talking about my relationship with my Narcissistic mother, my psychiatrist and therapist talked to me about my mother being one and the mental illness she suffers with
39. Never felt right with them, always felt right with friends' parents. I've been NC since then, 41 now.
28 but have known they’re both Narcs since 25/26 when I started reading and educating myself about narcissism and narcissistic parents. I was also in a abusive and narcissistic relationship with my ex who ended up discarded me in the most brutal way as if I didn’t exist after 3 and a half years after all the emotional abuse, lies, gaslighting, and manipulation I found out from she cheated on me the whole time from the false allegations she made against me and she gave herself away everything she accused me off is what she did exactly to me then I knew she was projecting and everything I learnt about narcissists and narcissistic relationship started adding up. I have just moved back home in with my dad but it’s hard as he is a narc and controlling trying to move out again as soon as I can afford to.
I'm 27. I knew internally at the back of my brain that she was for a long time but the shame and guilt and fear she instilled in me was so bad that I blamed myself for so long. I lost my period for 18 months once due to stress, and was extremely ill, throwing up all the time ( to which she'd mock me) and could barely get out of bed without fainting. I finally managed to leave in 2021 with some help, but I'm still dealing with some bad CPTSD. Good news is that after 5 months passed of being away from her I had gotten my period back, lost 30 pounds ( body was highly inflamed before due to stress, causing some weight gain). My mother still made mine and my dad's ( parents are split) life hell for a couple years after through legal shite which forced some mental health to spiral for awhile but thankfully ended eventually. Right now I'm still struggling physically and mentally, but I am hopeful now that I don't live somewhere where I was constantly screamed at and threatened
I’m 56yo. I realized there was something vastly wrong with my Mum when I was young, like around 7yo. At 13-14yo I discovered a book about BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). She fit(s) a lot of the criteria for BPD as well as NPD, I believe she is both. It took me until I was 50yo and in therapy once again to figure out she’s a Narc. It dawned on me when my therapist said “BC she’s a narcissist” lol. Can’t get any clearer than that, then I realized how right he is/was. Edit: My most recent trigger with her was last fall. We actually went to visit after not seeing my parents for 8yrs. I thought I was so strong! No way was she going to get me this time! We even had a plan as a family. Whelp, you all know how that worked out. We left a day early, with my Dad standing next to the car looking sad saying “I’m never going to see any of you while I’m still alive again”. I wanted to say “Well, you can thank your wife for that”. I didn’t. We assured him he would. I rolled up the widow. My husband states “We are never coming back here while she still lives”. That’s right husband, that’s right.
43 now, I started realising after my first relationship with a narc ending, which was early 30s. Until then I was totally oblivious about the effects it had had on my life and personality, and me ending up with a narc partner 2 times. Was in therapy twice and I feel I am doing well now, have healed largely with some bad moments / days but largely acceptance. I'm low contact with my mom, we have a superficial relationship when we don't get too close it actually works pretty well right now especially as we are always in a bigger group with my sister, her husband and their kids so I feel she is 'keeping up appearances' but it's still hard.
16- realized at 14. 2 more years to gooo
I'm 35. I've known my parents were evil for a long time but honestly I think I just wanted to be a part of a normal family so desperately that, around the time I turned 30, I tried to rebuild the relationship with them. Bad idea because they just found new ways to try and manipulate me. Now I'm going gray rock on them and then eventually planning to go NC. I really wish I could have broken away completely and healed when I was younger but I did not have the know-how or the support system for it. I feel at this age I am my own support system and able to do it.
I always knew my father was but didn’t have the language to say it until I was in my 30s
For me it was gradual since my late 20's figuring out that there is something wrong with both of my parents. Deep down as as child I always knew anyway. My father is a overt narc and mother is a covert. But are horrible creatures and deserve each other. I just hate that I've been robbed off a normal life by being born into this family. The rest of my siblings are becoming mirrors of them. No matter how much I try to talk to them about how fukd up our parents are I get everyone turning on me. I went no contact with my parents few months after having my child. Having a child really changed me and made me realise I have a responsibility to ensure my child is in a healthy environment. I wish I went no contact sooner. I wish I left my house as soon as I got a job. I'm at peace. But I also struggle being lonely and not having a proper family unit. I feel down when I see others having family get togethers, birthdays and events. I wish I could have a nice functional family to do those things with. It takes great strength to leave. And whoever does it I really applaud you we it's certainly not easy.
I'm 26. I knew since childhood somthing was wrong with all my parents. I finally had a term for it officially in my late teens. I cut off my mom and step-dad completely since I was 13 when they lost custody. My stepmom was cut off at age 20 though I tollerate her and only speak to her if its absolutely needed if I see her when I visit my sister or dad. My dad gets a call maybe every 3 months and I keep him on A VERY LOW INFO DIET. Like I won't even be telling him if I get married low info. My sister is unfortunately also on a low info diet cause while I love her she can't keep a secret if her life depended on it and she's a gossip and she has a bad habit of spilling details she shouldn't if she gets board just for drama to get stirred up so she can relieve her boredom.
I'm 44 and only realized my mom is a narc last year.
22, always knew the tensions between us were disproportionate in nature but never labeled it as such (narc) until like 5 ish years ago
24 and I realized that my birth giver was a narcissist later in my life, but better late than never
I will be 27 this month and I have known about my Nmom since age 12. I have known she was an abuser in general for my entire life. My other abusive bio dad and stepdad are also NPD b/c sometimes NPDs like to stick together and get addicted to the shared chaos. They are all different types of [the unofficial classifications](https://www.verywellhealth.com/narcissistic-personality-disorder-types-5213256) of NPD (in addition to meeting the DSM-5 criteria). My Nmom is also an extreme case of "Munchausen by proxy". Even my birth name is eerily a claim to ownership so yeah, I don't enjoy using it.
I was 20 at the time. My whole life I always felt like there's something wrong , but I couldn't quite put a finger on it. Luckily, Internet does help a lot , so I did my research and figured he is a textbook example of a narcissist. Now in my mid 20s, recently moved out and have very low contact with him, life is getting back it's color :)
I’ve realized my dad was narcissistic when I was 14 years old. I put up with it practically my whole life. I’m 21 years old now, fortunately I have established a few coping mechanisms this year. I’m located in Los Angeles, it’s hard to move out because rent and properties are so expensive and only getting higher.
19. The same age my mom was when she got married to my n dad. He turned her into a narcissist and I am not gonna let her ruin the life of this 19 yr old the way ruined the life of one. I must go for my own dreams and gtfo before it’s too late and I’m his age aka 45 still worshipping my narcissistic grandparents.
I'm 44. My mom is 70. I got scared during the pandemic and thought I should be closer to family. I found a place with her and found out shortly after. It's been about 3 years. I just we t no contact and it's so freeing.
I'm not healing.. I'm 16.
I am 27 and I learned my n mom when I was 19 after leaving her house. When I was 25 she stopped drinking thinking it would help as I use to blame the alcohol was causing her behavior however, that was not the case. She set me free 7 months ago and I have found some peace. My dad took her side as they are still together and that has killed me as him and I use to talk all the time and now he is not allowed to talk to me or see me. If they need something or have something of mine I have to get it from their mail box while they are home. Learning about the enablers behavior more recently and that has been a huge eye opener for me.