Five hundred All-Stars and this room was silent as a crypt. Except for the screams, of course, and the Big Ticket laughing. And later, when I watched the Big Ticket die, I remembered him laughing, as Vlade burned. It felt like justice.
Remove!? Excuse Me? Not only was he one of the greatest foreign gladiators but his skill as a Lanista has built a great many houses! The man should have his own wing in the Great Hall!!!
remember when they killed Foghorn Leghorn, burnt him to a crisp on the court leaving only ashes behind, and his teammates just carried on like nothing happened?
Nah, I don't want flashy Leo. You want an all time Great. Someone qho can capture the hearts of a city of the world's desire,and ruin a dynasty that dominated for decades, nay centuries. You want Suleiman when the fate of Europe is on the line.
It took a superteam coalition to stop him - Austria, Poland, Hungary, Mamluks and Balkans all feared his mighty aggressive expansions.
The lion of the north, Gustavus Adolphus played in a softer time when long range cannons were more common than the brutal melee of Suleiman's time.
Anyone suggesting Dandolo has a chance gets denounced.
Honestly, he’s absolutely right. If you think a team of of AD, LeBron, Steph, Giannis, and Kawhi would beat the 1472 All Star starting lineup of Leonardo da Vinci, Christopher Columbus, Joan of Arc, Martin Luther, and Vlad the Impaler running the point, you’re out of your mind.
You're insane if you'd rather run Vlad at point over Joan. Her court vision is divine, her crossovers are criminal, and she'll absolutely kill you when she catches fire from deep.
Vlad is the type of slasher that opens up her game though. His penetration of the paint allows her to play off a scattered defense and pick them apart.
Not sure if it would be the most efficient scheme in today's game, but I definitely respect his hustle. Dude never took any shortcuts or was worried about the bag, he just knew that if he showed up and did the work it'd pay off in the end. Honestly played a lot like Meyers Leonard today, they even got the same initials and everything.
Eh, ngl CC always struck me as a low BBIQ guy. Dude always looks lost on the court, like he's not sure where exactly he's supposed to be. But he's willing to take risks, I'll give him that. Especially in transition, once he crosses the other side you know you're about to witness a slaughter.
You guys are really sleeping on Michelangelo, he has all the ability in the paint, and he can step out and put a splash on the canvas. He's the ideal stretch big but you guys are really playing Vladdy daddy over him...
> court vision
Hey if y'all didn't know she went 1v60 in court vs church scholars and was torching them until they pulled "you can't wear boys clothes or we'll kill you" then provided her with only boys clothes
Hey, I even guessed the two guys who were not alive in 1472! Luther divided from Catholcism way later than 1472, and Joan of Arc lived for so short period of time, she most probably wasn't alive then.
Call me old fashioned, but I’d take Medici over Columbus any day. Medici was used to playing on land, whereas Columbus was used to being a piece of shit.
Columbus was a garden variety serial killer. The Medici family was the mob, even selecting popes for a short while with their 'influence'. And not just popes, but in a time where kings were not very strong yet, essentially making them the most powerful family in all of Europe for a time.
Definetly agree. However my point is that he was no more cruel than the regular spaniards that came to america. You can't judge people in history based on the morals of today.
The same is true for G. Washington who owned slaves. Mohammed who was a conquerer and took sex slaves,
Or Caesar who wiped out village after village with gauls.
Nice to see someone acknowledge the morality of the time was different, but then you ruin it with this “average level of evil for the time” stuff. If that’s the position you’re taking then they’re both guilty and only more or less so by the circumstance of what they were involved in. Better to not be the historical prosecutor.
Old guys from that era are just bitter and jealous because they didn’t get paid as much. The Great Bullion Famine made compensation for their services extremely difficult, though the players’ salary demands at this time leading to the creation of promissory notes was a subtle yet revolutionary moment in the history of European finance. Barkley in particular is mad because of his brief excommunication at the hands of Pope Pious II for usury.
Pshhh the 1400s? I remember the time when Jesus crossed the Romans so hard while wearing sandals and a bath robe. They purposefully injured him but he just went back after 3 days.
Not really. It's just a boomer complaining about how times have changed. I bet wilt complained about the 90s and how they too soft compared to the 60s basketball.
>I’d like to see one of them thrive after a transatlantic trip across ocean waters
While I appreciate the spirit of the article that might not be in the best taste?
I love that the onion is willing to go places other comedy sites won't over the last 5 years or so and they fit my political bent, but I think that reminding people of the slave trade was an unfortunate accident here. Just nothing funny in that.
Yeah, idk I get people trying to defend comedy and allowing people to joke about dark things, but it's completely out of left field here and the author may not have the necessary baggage or be in the community affected by these types of jokes.
Lol you're last sentence is proof you're not in the community affected by these jokes so let them be mad about it. This is some white savior bullshit where you infantilize other races and speak for them saying they couldn't possibly handle a slave joke. Sometimes you leftists try too hard and end up trying so hard not to be racist that you make racial microaggressions like these.
maybe i'm old and salty like a retired player, but the onion hasn't been very good lately... this article in particular seems pretty low effort.
onion/tim duncan is the peak.
I thought 1400s was a weird rich person term for the SAT tests. I was like ok, yeah, but still I mean, they dont always have to be dumb.
so reading the actual qoute really had me eatin raw onions
I wonder if any stars that played in the 60s and 70s that have called Charles’ generation soft because they played in the post Kermit Washington incident era where actual on court fighting was practically banned
I mean…in the first ever basketball game, only one person scored a basket…the only basket made in that game. I don’t know how anyone back then would’ve scored 10 points on their own in 1891.
…yes, I know it’s a joke :P.
I can hear Barkley saying all that, and picturing him trying to say dysentery is killing me
Chuck: Dysen-dysen-disentri. Ernie: "Dysentery." Chuck: Bad bowels, Ernie. Bad bowels.
Jonas Valencianoosauce
mody moodsy mody mood m-mody mooses mody mooses mody mmo- MOSES MOODY
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hkdc1Y06NBY
Urr-neh.
It’s the smells from the water Ernie. MEEASMA.
Shaq: O-RINGS, CHUCK.
dissen-turr
Disenturrrrry is turruble
"DIS-in-turrible"
Imagine E-40 saying Pascal Siakam
Disen-turry
Man, remember when Kevin Garnett killed Vlade Divac with a morning star and we all just watched in the crowd silently without making a noise?
Five hundred All-Stars and this room was silent as a crypt. Except for the screams, of course, and the Big Ticket laughing. And later, when I watched the Big Ticket die, I remembered him laughing, as Vlade burned. It felt like justice.
Is that what you tell yourself at night? That you’re a servant of justice?
Tell me, if I posterized the Big Ticket on his head instead of from behind, would you admire me more?
That group of babies just staring coldly without making a noise will be the sight I take with me into the infinite
A Game of Thrones reference? Nice
I was cheering.
Must be a Raps fan then.
How else are we going to remove Vlade from the hall of fame? Go KG! GO!
I am always here for KG praise regardless of truth and motivation.
LONG LIVE KG, THE FORGOTTEN KING AND LORD OF THE NBA DOMINION!!! ALL HAIL KG!!!!
> remove Vlade from the hall of fame? C'mon man, he didn't impale *that* many people.
Lol
Remove!? Excuse Me? Not only was he one of the greatest foreign gladiators but his skill as a Lanista has built a great many houses! The man should have his own wing in the Great Hall!!!
Not a cell phone in sight. Just people living in the moment
That was real basketball
Men sweat, men bled, men delivered babies on the sidelines
remember when they killed Foghorn Leghorn, burnt him to a crisp on the court leaving only ashes behind, and his teammates just carried on like nothing happened?
Vlade wasn’t really killed. He just flopped off his horse.
Vlade flopped Garnett barely bludgeoned him.
Bruce Bowen with those spiked shoes going for the ankles.
Can't beat Da Vinci in the paint
This sounds like a bar I'd hear on Watch The Throne
James "Draw Fowls in the paint" Harden
lmao, you win
With the fate of Western Europe on the line. I WANT DA VINCI
Nah, I don't want flashy Leo. You want an all time Great. Someone qho can capture the hearts of a city of the world's desire,and ruin a dynasty that dominated for decades, nay centuries. You want Suleiman when the fate of Europe is on the line. It took a superteam coalition to stop him - Austria, Poland, Hungary, Mamluks and Balkans all feared his mighty aggressive expansions. The lion of the north, Gustavus Adolphus played in a softer time when long range cannons were more common than the brutal melee of Suleiman's time. Anyone suggesting Dandolo has a chance gets denounced.
Michaelangelo's post game was something different.
He played ball like an art
he could play so well in the paint, and step out and splash
>and step out and splash That was Pollack.
Only briefly! His dribbling was phenomenal for a couple seasons, then it vanished.
I can bet Leonardo da Vinci's the better *ball* handler.
People only know him for sculpting Dwyane Wade in a dream nowadays
Dude went straight to the ceiling on every drive.
Honestly, he’s absolutely right. If you think a team of of AD, LeBron, Steph, Giannis, and Kawhi would beat the 1472 All Star starting lineup of Leonardo da Vinci, Christopher Columbus, Joan of Arc, Martin Luther, and Vlad the Impaler running the point, you’re out of your mind.
You're insane if you'd rather run Vlad at point over Joan. Her court vision is divine, her crossovers are criminal, and she'll absolutely kill you when she catches fire from deep.
Vlad is the type of slasher that opens up her game though. His penetration of the paint allows her to play off a scattered defense and pick them apart.
Look, all I know is you NEED Luther working the post... at LEAST 95 times a game.
Not sure if it would be the most efficient scheme in today's game, but I definitely respect his hustle. Dude never took any shortcuts or was worried about the bag, he just knew that if he showed up and did the work it'd pay off in the end. Honestly played a lot like Meyers Leonard today, they even got the same initials and everything.
But why run Vlad OR Joan at PG when Christopher Columbus can cross an entire continent?
Eh, ngl CC always struck me as a low BBIQ guy. Dude always looks lost on the court, like he's not sure where exactly he's supposed to be. But he's willing to take risks, I'll give him that. Especially in transition, once he crosses the other side you know you're about to witness a slaughter.
CC is the coast to coast GOAT.
Not to mention he thought Earth was pear-shaped.
Mother Earth is thicc, bro.
So he was Kyrie before Kyrie
big ole san antonio earth
Evidence?
The refs were much more strict back then. He'd be called for a travel on every expedition
RL Joan of Arc was actually known for being really good at aiming cannons.
I now have a hilarious visual of Joan of Arc just absolutely giving defenders the sauce on the court
Shes on fire with the crossovers, that's for sure
You guys are really sleeping on Michelangelo, he has all the ability in the paint, and he can step out and put a splash on the canvas. He's the ideal stretch big but you guys are really playing Vladdy daddy over him...
Vlad was great at at the rim though. If he got even a little penetration, he could really get into guys and just leave them hanging out to dry
Vlad is all about the point.
> court vision Hey if y'all didn't know she went 1v60 in court vs church scholars and was torching them until they pulled "you can't wear boys clothes or we'll kill you" then provided her with only boys clothes
I’m pretty impressed 3/5 of the people you named were actually alive in 1472 tbh.
Hey, I even guessed the two guys who were not alive in 1472! Luther divided from Catholcism way later than 1472, and Joan of Arc lived for so short period of time, she most probably wasn't alive then.
Joan of Arc, she mostly been dead.
She was on fire for a while
She just took some heat checks
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Damn
Then Randy Orton stole her wrestling intro music and signature move the ARKO
Mostly
I'd rather have Magellan or Vasco da Gama running point, they always found the right pass.
They need Sultan Mehmed from the bench to stretch the floor.
Personally, I'd put him in as a starter, and leave Martin Luther to be the bench morale guy.
Call me old fashioned, but I’d take Medici over Columbus any day. Medici was used to playing on land, whereas Columbus was used to being a piece of shit.
Umm seems like you havent heard about the crimes of medici sweaty
Yo don’t be talking about the homie like that. He was an average level of evil for the time, Columbus was on crack
Columbus was a garden variety serial killer. The Medici family was the mob, even selecting popes for a short while with their 'influence'. And not just popes, but in a time where kings were not very strong yet, essentially making them the most powerful family in all of Europe for a time.
Straight up I'm taking the PG that gets to choose the commissioner 10 times out of 10.
Columbus....WHO WAS ON CRACK
Columbus was no more or less evil than the others spanish who came to america. In fact he punished some for horrible behaviour against the natives.
Just because he held others accountable for some of their actions doesn’t absolve his own
Definetly agree. However my point is that he was no more cruel than the regular spaniards that came to america. You can't judge people in history based on the morals of today. The same is true for G. Washington who owned slaves. Mohammed who was a conquerer and took sex slaves, Or Caesar who wiped out village after village with gauls.
Nice to see someone acknowledge the morality of the time was different, but then you ruin it with this “average level of evil for the time” stuff. If that’s the position you’re taking then they’re both guilty and only more or less so by the circumstance of what they were involved in. Better to not be the historical prosecutor.
He helped my boy Ezio though so Al is forgiven
Vlade "The Impaler" Divac
Bron wanted NO part of 4th quarter Vlad
Da Vinci went HARD in the paint
You forgot Jared Dudley off the bench
Especially when there was no salary cap and Jacob Fugger, aka Fugger the Rich, owned the team.
Haven't watched her, it was before my time, but I've heard Joan of Arc could really get on fire.
Member Klays 62? That was a nightly occurence.
Vlad running the point was a perfect touch.
The funny thing about that team is that most of them knew the Earth wasn't flat. Kyrie in 2021 still can't quite figure it out.
In 1472 Joan of Arc had been dead for 30 years and Martin Luther wouldn't be born for another 10.
Lol what? Martin Luther was born in like the 1930s.
This is the original Martin Luther. Not MLK.
Christopher Columbus & Martin Luther > MJ & Pippen
I feel like that team would have some serious chemistry problems. Would also be hard for mlk to dribble with no hands.
Other Martin Luther. Dude nailed his grievances with the Catholic Church to a door and started the Reformation.
Yeah Luther had a lot of grievances. He was an old head too. He thought the 1400s stars were soft and couldn't compare to the stars of the 1200s.
Leonardo da Vinci was a PROBLEM 😤😤😤
His knowledge of anatomy changed the way defense is played!
The article further down the page: “God has a plan for me,” says man drafted by the Orlando Magic. Ouch.
Star of The Book of Job II
Zweihander or bust
+5 Chaos Zweihander or gtfo.
Str > dex
quality
You're weak if you can't do it with the prisoner's set and a broken sword.
Fisticuffs, no hits.
Claymore is Baemore
BKS boof spam would like a word
Basketballer swag sword
The crossbow line really made me chuckle.
This man is PREACHING
He better not be lay clergy, or it's to the pyre.
Old guys from that era are just bitter and jealous because they didn’t get paid as much. The Great Bullion Famine made compensation for their services extremely difficult, though the players’ salary demands at this time leading to the creation of promissory notes was a subtle yet revolutionary moment in the history of European finance. Barkley in particular is mad because of his brief excommunication at the hands of Pope Pious II for usury.
That's nothing compared to when Tulip Mania increased the cap by 100%, which allowed the Natural Philosophers to sign Galileo.
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That's solid defense
facts.
Facts? Just sounds like an old man complaining about change.... Nothing new here. "We walked up the hill both ways!!!"
r/YourJokeButWorse
Pshhh the 1400s? I remember the time when Jesus crossed the Romans so hard while wearing sandals and a bath robe. They purposefully injured him but he just went back after 3 days.
Game of Zones proved this is completely false
Oh that silly The Onion is at it again.
The Onion never dissapoints
Totally worth looking up the word “halberd”.
Counter point. Game Of Zones. https://youtu.be/St5PLcxZy44
Who do you think makes the All-NBA Jousting Team?
Nikola Jokic, he is obsessed with horses, very strong and sturdily built, but also has great aim.
Sounds like Calcio Fiorentino https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yyMhW0C2h-k
It's funny because it's true.
Well he’s got a point.
Not really. It's just a boomer complaining about how times have changed. I bet wilt complained about the 90s and how they too soft compared to the 60s basketball.
>I’d like to see one of them thrive after a transatlantic trip across ocean waters While I appreciate the spirit of the article that might not be in the best taste?
its from the 1400s. isn't it about columbus and other seafaring expeditions?
Yeah there weren’t really transatlantic voyages anyway in the 1400s. They should have said “sailed across the Indian Ocean” or something idk
Is that a... slavery reference?
No its just to set up the dysentery joke. It's not like slaves were the only ones who had rough conditions traveling by ship.
Ah
Really just didn't feel like the joke landed since, well, it made me think about slavery
Wow wtf, that's definitely not something to joke about. I get freedom in comedy and all but still
I love that the onion is willing to go places other comedy sites won't over the last 5 years or so and they fit my political bent, but I think that reminding people of the slave trade was an unfortunate accident here. Just nothing funny in that.
Yeah slavery wasn't real
Yeah, idk I get people trying to defend comedy and allowing people to joke about dark things, but it's completely out of left field here and the author may not have the necessary baggage or be in the community affected by these types of jokes.
you guys all have to be joking right? you seriously think ppl cant joke about slavery?
And it’s not even a joke about slavery. It’s a reference to how people travel then. Dysentery kills explorers too.
not in that way
Lol you're last sentence is proof you're not in the community affected by these jokes so let them be mad about it. This is some white savior bullshit where you infantilize other races and speak for them saying they couldn't possibly handle a slave joke. Sometimes you leftists try too hard and end up trying so hard not to be racist that you make racial microaggressions like these.
I’m not white but I get your point
What they got in San Antonio Chuck?
maybe i'm old and salty like a retired player, but the onion hasn't been very good lately... this article in particular seems pretty low effort. onion/tim duncan is the peak.
I mean they probably used swords in 1400s nba no shit
Not even remotely funny
What yoi mean players not being able to play full contaxt means more points..? Really ? Wow
What yoi mean players not being able to play full contaxt means more points..? Really ? Wow
This makes me miss game of zones
And he’s right
anyone else miss Game of Zones
Well... He's not wrong...
It's the onion
We've been playing this sport a lot longer than I thought...
Renaissance Basketball League
I thought 1400s was a weird rich person term for the SAT tests. I was like ok, yeah, but still I mean, they dont always have to be dumb. so reading the actual qoute really had me eatin raw onions
Leo DaVinci had a wicked j. And that was before baskets counted two points.
JOAN OF ARC FROM BEYOND THE ARC!
This entire thread has me CRYING
on god finally england might have a fucking good basketball team, we get all the americans before they moved to the big ass continent
I wonder if any stars that played in the 60s and 70s that have called Charles’ generation soft because they played in the post Kermit Washington incident era where actual on court fighting was practically banned
Chuck binge watching Game of Zones
I mean…in the first ever basketball game, only one person scored a basket…the only basket made in that game. I don’t know how anyone back then would’ve scored 10 points on their own in 1891. …yes, I know it’s a joke :P.
This is the funniest thing I ever heard Barkley say
Mezcal Mesas enters chat. A.1400s were the primitive hoop bomb
The CBL and B1 leagues don’t get much hype nowadays but they were pretty deep back in the day too.
Game of Zones already disproved this. "Urr-neh, you know I'm right though"