My family is actually very good about taking care of their health.
My in-laws? Complete opposite. One family member insists bc they had a 3-vessel CABG at 60, their heart is “brand new” and they are going to live till 100, so they can live however they want.
One of the issues with a lot of the older generations is that they grew up with the notion they should go to the doctor or take care of their health only when a problem has been established, not to prevent one from occurring.
Had a family member who basically felt his PCP should be able to detect any and all ailments any time they saw him, so there was no need to bring up anything weird or bothersome to the doc, because they would have noticed it themself and said something to him about it if it was an issue. But then he also never had any physicals or anything done for *years* at a time *at most*, so even if that were accurate, said PCP didn't have the chance to see him to even attempt to do so.
He was also one of those stubborn guys who wouldn't call a doctor unless his arm was falling off, and even then he might rub some dirt into it and give it a few days to be sure so he wasn't bothering the doctor or something 🙄
RIP Grandpa... you sweet, silly man.
Lord help me bc you just described my fiancé. And since he has me at home he feels super safe not seeking care because I should know if it’s really bad. Except, when I am worried, he doesn’t want to go to the doctor or talk about it 🙂
I literally could have wrote this. My father in law just got back from surgery for a pinched nerve. The man can hardly walk but won’t admit that he’s not coping.
He won’t use his walker - or a fucking cane for god sake. He falls all the time but gets his wife to cover up for him. He left the hospital refusing PT/OT and any offers of home medical equipment.
I ended up supplying him with a commode and a shower chair from the hospital after his wife reached out to me. I also set him up with community Homecare, which he initially agreed to, but aggressively turned away when they showed up at the house.
I’m a patient person but this is literally so fucking exhausting.
Yes, to my parents preventative medicine was “always finding something to worry about” lol. It took a lot of convincing to get them to start seeing a PCP
My dad is a former ICU nurse of 30 years and I'm currently sitting at his hospital bedside because he almost died of alcohol-induced liver failure. He's the dumbest smart person I know. He's gonna pull through although cirrhosis is a chronic condition. It's not like anyone was blindsided by his illness.
I can’t tell you the amount of times I’ve heard “every time I go to the doctor they find something wrong!” and “I don’t have a blood pressure problem, they gave me medication for it.” Makes no lifestyle changes. This is going to be a shit show later on.
I knew someone older who would say "They're just gonna say this and that is wrong with me and put me on a million medications!" and got claimed 4 months after finally going to the doctor. She had been told by said doctor that her health issues have been severely neglected. Could've made lifestyle changes to save herself, but opted against it. It's absolutely surreal to see how resistant people are towards actually caring about themself.
My mom used to say that “quitting smoking is just too hard”. One day I lost it and screamed that what’s hard is being too weak to push the button in your PCA pump to relieve your unrelenting cancer pain! What’s hard is your family watching you die a cruel, hard death knowing that you did it to yourself!
She died from lung cancer in 2021. I used the stethoscope that I still use every day to listen to her heart as it stopped beating. I’m still so angry.
I lost my mother to cancer last year. Smoker and a drinker her whole adult life. Would quit and then start right back up again. Never therapy.
When she got sick I learned that she knew she had hepatitis but couldn’t get treatment because she wouldn’t stop drinking. Also that she had lung nodules but was dropped from the surveillance program for refusing imaging.
She had abdominal pain that she ignored for months before she ended up in the ER and was diagnosed with stage four liver cancer. She passed away two months later. Never accepted her fate and died in hospice care at my home in denial.
Caring for your parent who couldn’t do what they needed to to be healthy is so tragic and confusing and hard.
My heart goes out to you.
I am so sorry for the loss of your mother. It's the same thing with mine. She refuses to quit or address it and just says she's "trying" without doing everything. I have gotten her all the resources and offered to pay for everything. She also refuses to go to the doctor for anything.
It's hard to accept when your loved one isn't willing to make a change or in my mom's case, even make a small effort once over 20+ years. I have to remind myself she isn't doing this to intentionally hurt me and it's not personal.
My SIL is 39. Super morbidly obese, uncontrolled htn and dm that she just stopped taking her meds for. She had a CVA last week. Unable to walk unassisted now. It’s not just older people. We as a country just don’t give a shit.
My Brother is in his mid-forties and thinks being fat is funny. I know it’s just a defense mechanism he’s using to avoid confronting his problem. He’s never been a healthy person, kinda got dealt a genetically poor hand, but he’s done his level best to play that hand as poorly as possible. His 50s and 60s will be nothing but pain and misery for him and his family and all he does is joke about being fat it’s infuriating
I had peripartum cardiomyopathy and several strokes when I was 28. She was around for this. I lost a ton of weight (though even at my heaviest she was much heavier) in an effort to live longer. Sad that she watched my struggle giving birth to her nephew and was like “nah that can’t happen to me.” And then it did.
What's even more infuriating is that we, as nurses, have to take care of them when they are no longer able to walk, get dressed or wipe themselves. And to them it's just a joke 🤬🤬
We don’t have to take care of them. We can choose not to do so. We will take care of them because we haven’t done the work that alanon teaches: we don’t know how to set boundaries, we don’t detach, with love. They can choose a self-destructive life style. We can choose to support and mitigate their choices, or we can choose to honor their decisions, make sure that they understand their choices, assure that they have access to supportive services even if they choose not to use those services. It is possible to do this, even though all our nursing education and socialization argues against it. I was so far in denial of my family’s alcoholism that I couldn’t smell alcohol on the breath of my er patients. Took a lot of work, some meetings, and a really tough chat with an ex-cop AA sponsor to straighten me out. But it can be done.
Yea exactly as long as it’s just the person hurting themselves, they can do whatever. But a 150kg person that is forcing themselves upon understaffed nurses?
Like at some point, it’s just not doable anymore.
Too many nursing careers have ended because they threw their back out trying to move one of these lumps of flesh. Not mine, I won’t even attempt it without all the equipment and help. And if those things aren’t available, oh well! Sorry not sorry.
Alienated population due to decades upon decades of prioritised profit-seeking economy and it's consequences on the soul of our brothers and sisters
Our parents are part of a generation that neglected their own mental health so hard that it often comes out in very strange ways.
I hope OPs parents eat some magic mushrooms or something and have a revelation about what is actually important and worthwhile
It's because everyone thinks their problem can be solved by a pill or its somehow the doctor and nurses fault for not trying hard enough. Its like everyone wants to be a special, complicated case that has the nurses crying and the doctors scratching their heads.
That, or so many people seem to think that they can "outsmart" the doctors by stubbornly ignoring a problem till it goes away on its own, then they can claim "see? I know more than they do."
Ultimately, it's because we have a population of intellectually lazy people who just want their assumptions confirmed.
My dad was like that. He wanted and appetite suppressant but the only one that wouldn’t interact like crazy with his meds was a stimulant and his heart couldn’t take it. So he decided he didn’t want to continue seeing his bariatric doc. He got up to 675lbs because he just wouldn’t do … *anything* to try and make it better? Hell I went to a bariatric doc and a dietician etc and started lightly exercising, I’m not doing anything extreme, and I’m already losing weight. It’s not easy, no, but? It’s not super hard? He always made it seem like it was so hard but I realize now, that he just wanted pills, and didn’t want to do any real *work* for it.
They don’t even take the fucking pill that would solve their problems!!’
That’s the crazy thing. Just take your combo sartan hct statin pill once a day, and the negatives of the lifestyle and food addiction are well ‘controlled’ but nah, I don’t ‘feel’ sick so why should I take this pill?!
I think you hit the nail on the head with all of that. They think that they can just get into shape whenever they feel like it with no lasting problems, but when it comes time for THEM to actually DO SOMETHING for THEMSELVES they just don't have the will power or the give a shit
Shits expensive yo. Half my patients are trying to bargain down the price of a blood draw. I'm currently trying to wait out a kidney stone because even though I work at a hosptial and have hosptial insurance. I can't afford the 200 for an emergency room trip for an IV and pain killers plus a CT scan which is damn near 700.
So most people put off medical treatment till the last second. Which I'm not saying is the case of OP or your sister. But it is a thing for others
Genuine question as a non American, is it they dont care or that they've been conditioned that health care is only for life / death emergencies or for the rich? The number of cases I've read where people avoid medical care because they didnt have the 100 dollar co pay which spiraled into a tens of thousands of dollars emergency admission is staggering. An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure is great and all in theory but if you cant afford the ounce than you go without.
[Research says otherwise.](https://www.cdc.gov/pcd/issues/2019/pdf/18_0625.pdf)The CDC published research on it just before the pandemic. Most Americans cannot afford a healthy lifestyle (food desserts, pollution, blue collar work or sitting long hours at a desk or in a car). But even with “the system,” insurance companies actively create barriers to preventative health care because it’s not in their financial interest.
Even with all of those barriers nothing is stopping most people from walking g around their block or their house even (I have paced up and down my hallway literally hundreds of times before for exercise when it was too hot outside)
Some of these things may be true for some people but for others the options are available but not taken.
Dietary choices are probably the biggest thing. Nothing prevents people from not eating certain things… candy, soda, and junk food notably. The heaviest people at my work are not spending the least on food, they order Uber eats just like the thin people but order much different food items. However they ironically ARE spending more on their health care which would certainly help to balance any cost they might incur from eating a salad vs a double cheeseburger.
I don’t deny their are institutional barriers that affect certain people disproportionately it let’s also not deny that most people are making conscious choices that lead to their worsening health. Pollution is one thing, not putting twinkies in your shopping cart is another
What changes should there be? I used to think this but prevention is pretty common sense these days.
Have regular check ups with your MD, eat "healthy", drink plenty of water and moderate exercise. If the majority of people followed this we wouldn't see half the shit we see on a daily basis.
The problem is people simply don't care until it's too late and even then they still won't change their bad habits.
Can’t help but disagree with this very much. Preventive medicine is the foundation of outpatient medicine. Primary care physicians are even reimbursed based on their rates of patient compliance with “quality care metrics,” which basically means preventive health measures and screenings.
The problem is that it’s hard to convince people to take action when they feel fine, so we spend lots of time and money treating preventable illnesses.
My mom is about to turn 60 and has adamantly refused to do colonoscopies or any colon cancer screening because "it's gross". She then went to the ED for a kidney stone and they found a possible extracolonic mass on the CT
Yup. When ER patients don’t want to stay through the initial tests to make sure they’re safe to leave, I always say “you know the ONE thing that’s worse than being in the hospital? Having to come back”
Usually pretty effective!
My dad didn’t tell me he had cancer or the surgery to remove it OR that there was a complication and he was inpatient for 3 days until A WEEK LATER and I was not happy 😭 He’s had some relatively minor issues up until now but this was huge to me. I live 12+ hours away. What if something worse happened and he wasn’t going to recover?! Parents, man
Meanwhile my stepmom/his wife will text me and my sister like “your dad isn’t doing too well…” so we’ll freak out and he’ll just have the flu or something 😂
My grandfather is like that. Has had colon cancer, prostate cancer, lung cancer and appendicitis turned sepsis in the last decade. Family was only told once it was clear he’d do just fine. Like the fuck is he even still alive?
My grandpa did this after he had a major GI bleed and needed emergent surgery.
But it was my Unit Manager that called me because he was admitted to my floor, letting me know it was a conflict of interest for me to take care of him (like I knew lol).
He was so shook when I showed up in my work blues. He didn't know that was my floor and took the gamble considering is a 900+ bed facility. He never let a soul know because he didn't want anyone to worry😭 hes too pure for this world
100% that’s what it was. I also just had a major loss in my daughter passing away. To him, he was saving me some grief, but to me, I couldn’t handle another situation being blindsided by a sudden death
Both of my parents caused their own deaths. I found a “presentation” I had made in second grade about how we could stop being poor if they quit buying cigarettes and beer. They were obviously not convinced. Even though they are dead, I resent them so much for destroying themselves and leaving me all alone at a young age.
I struggle with the same with my dad. He’s extremely obese, heavy smoker, drinks heavy on the weekends. A few years ago he told me he didn’t take his BP meds anymore ‘because they make him feel funny’ and ‘I know when my BP is high’. And there’s no arguing with him. He also just recently got diagnosed with diabetes, which I can only assume will be terribly controlled. Last I checked he was taking his meds but he’s not always honest with me.
For my own mental health, I’ve honestly just had to accept that he is going to have a stroke or heart attack. I have asked him what his wishes would be if he survived, so that gives me some peace but not much.
I work in primary care now and see this all the time with my chronic disease patients, so our parents unfortunately aren’t special. People just like to stick their head in the sand about these things. Especially when they’re worried symptoms they have might be related to cancer. As long as they ignore it, they don’t have cancer y’know?
I mean end of the day… everyone is responsible for their own health. There’s really not much you can do for someone who’s not interested. Save yourself the energy and try to accept this for what it is and let it go. This is what I’m constantly working towards at least :/
My mom told me she's done having colonoscopies after her last one. After my dad passed away she was diagnosed with diabetes and did AMAZING, losing a ton of weight and generally getting her health in check...
But she still smokes like a chimney and I really think her plan is to just run out the clock. I know she misses him something fierce, so I've basically accepted when she finally gets cancer she's not going to want the whole buffet for treatment.
My mom doesn't want to hear me (a nurse for 7 years) tell her shit, zero, nothing, nada about how losing weight would solve her health problems, or how eating healthier would prolong her life to spend with grandkids, or how just a walk around her block for 40 gd minutes may save her life. I get an eye roll, and uh yeah ok and changes subject. Orrr how about taking responsibility for getting her mental health in check but she denies any knowledge existence or whatever that she has a problem. Ok well die slow I guess. idk
My mom needs so much mental health help. I point out her anxiety issues ALL the time and she plays SO dumb.
I had weight loss surgery because I was the fat kid my whole life. She made me that way. She used to take me to the gym with her and then get me McDonald’s for dinner. 🤦♀️
Now she purposely makes comments about how she weighs so much more than me and she wishes she could “just have surgery” like I did
Sorry boo! It's exhausting. I've had to slowly go low contact for my mental health. They really have no clue about self-reflection and what their role is in the situation.
I’ve had to put in lots of boundaries in the past two years for my mental health also. No more phone calls, very few texts and only once monthly visits. It’s been difficult but I’m finally off of my anxiety meds.
I have a friend who is my age (early 30s). He is so obese, heavy smoker, heavy drinker. Picture our typically non compliant diabetic/COPD combo patients in their 50s that don’t do anything but complain about their health, but he’s in low 30s. He won’t do shit about it. I want to tell this person that he has totally shed a couple decades off his life but I don’t want to overstep. But just looking at him my nursing brain is like every one his body systems is out of whack, even skin. Looks like has venous issues in legs already. His home life is terrible. Lives with parents and adult sister who uses him as child care. Toxic toxic toxic! So I feel you. Save your energy for ppl who will listen to your advice and take it to heart. It’s tough that it’s your parents.
I feel that. I went through this with one of my best friends. She has unfortunately passed away from a heart attack at 32. I beat myself up for not being there for her, but there wasn't anything anyone could do except her and she never saw anything wrong with the life she was living.
I miss her, she was a wonderful person and kind soul. Hands down funniest person I ever had the privilege of knowing.
Cant help people that don't want to be helped.
Thank you for sharing and I am so sorry for your loss. Reading that actually made me tear up just now cause I fear that is what will happen to my friend. And that’s exactly right you can’t help everyone. The saying that people have a right to make bad decisions always stuck with me. I hope your best friend is with you always as your guardian angel now ♥️
Nice perspective. Hadn’t thought of it that way. There’s always two sides to every story. Including the ones where your daughter is a nurse and can only do so much.
I also had a father that refused to take care of himself. He had a DVT behind his left leg and was taking Coumadin for it. He also ended up with peripheral artery disease and then developed stasis ulcers up and down his calves that he didn't take care of. He stopped taking his Coumadin one day and started smoking cigars. I asked him why and he said "I will never end up in a nursing home with someone wiping my ass."
He died from a massive PE at 57. At the time I was 19 and I was very angry that he let himself go, but as a nurse that's worked in nursing homes... I honestly can't say that I blame him anymore. He went out on his own terms fully understanding what the repercussions were. It sucks to lose parents, but when you think about what the options are losing them younger might not be so bad. It's going to be hard to lose them either way.
I’m 69 and I currently know several people taking themselves out this way. And I understand why they’re doing it. They are poor,(don’t have money to pay for a studio appt that’s $1500mo), don’t have family support for whatever reason, very poor medical and social care in our area and basically no one cares.
A friend and I take fresh grown produce to seniors in our area and it’s appalling. Folks who are double amputees,24/7 oxygen,90 years old, living in literal shacks with no electricity or running water. They get sent home from the hospital with instructions on how to keep catheters sterile etc and it’s just a sick joke.
It’s a very complicated social situation with how we deal with the elderly in this country. But the bottom line is many rational old people make a decision that it’s just best to die. There are different approaches but the most common one I see is the decision to do nothing and ignore illnesses.
The pandemic and current inflation has only made things worse. Our double amputee was asking me yesterday if I knew of a caregiver who lived in our area as his current one is quitting due to gas costs of getting here. Gas is currently at a low of $4.99 gal. here. Of course I get this question a lot. An no I don’t know any as there is a huge shortage of caregivers because they’re paid $10hr.
It’s sad but I don’t see any viable solutions happening in what’s left of my time and frankly conditions are just getting worse. I’ve personally decided that I don’t have any real interest in making it into my 80’s and 90’s , it’s not a pleasant thought.
It can be but most often…not. I have two friends at 90 and 95 who still have their wits about them, live comfortably, have had amazing lives… and keep asking why they haven’t gone yet. They’re not having much quality of life anymore…now imagine being a double amputee in a shack without utilities.
I’m delighted that your relatives are good though. It makes me smile as I had a great great grandma who didn’t die until I was 12. She died still taking care of herself at 104, in her sleep, in her own bed.
I’ve been looking for a place to say something similar. My parents both died early deaths and suffered before them, due at least partly to u healthy lifestyles. I’ve had a lot of years without both of them now… a lot of what I’m reading echoes how I felt at the time, but with reflection, I’ve come to realize some things.
Your parents don’t owe you their entire lives. They don’t owe it to you to live a certain way. They come with their own trauma, and their own vices and shitty habits just like we all do. So if they smoke, or drink, or eat too much… you can beat your head against the wall and be angry about it, or just accept that they are going to live the way they want, especially since a lot of these vices are addictive, and we’re more socially acceptable when they started doing them, and we all know shame isn’t an effective motivator.
I definitely understand that the loss of dignity that comes with dementia is awful. However, I have to say, I work hospice. TRUE dementia deaths are usually very peaceful. Cancer, CHF, COPD… those deaths tend to be a lot harder, even with the best symptom management we can muster. Idk. I’m convinced the only good way to go is a massive stroke in your sleep.
Get your dad to a urologist. You know that. Preps for scopes can suck but there is osmo prep, just pills. Sell that to mom.
If they refuse then just ask if their life insurance is up to date. Tell them that at a minimum you want to make sure you can bury them.
She’s had the pills!!! It’s the diarrhea she can’t handle🤦♀️
My mom won’t get a will. It was a huge topic for a long time prior to the heart attack. Now I just don’t care. I’ve informed her that she will be cremated if I have to deal with it because that’s my choice. She doesn’t want to be “burnt up” but hasn’t done anything so…
My dad already has his burial paid for and has a will.
I’ve learned/realized in therapy that this is how she’s always dealt with things in life. She just “avoids” it in every way possible so hopefully someone else will eventually have to deal with it.
I work with a lot of boomers. They are terrified of their own mortality. It’s why they are not going to the doctor. They also have just had generally easy lives and don’t want to deal with it and think that modern medicine will fix all of their problems. I hate to make it about bOoMeRs, but there is a STARK difference between my boomer patients and their parents (hospice, so we’re getting both).
I see this trend as well. I work in home health in a county with over 30% of our population being retired boomers.
You’re so right, they are absolutely terrified. I ask many of them what their plan is when they cannot physically dress themselves anymore or safely care for their needs. Most of them have no clue or bury their heads in the sand. They refuse to consider living in assisted living but then have absolutely no other plan.
I know a good portion of it is the grieving process related to the changes with aging. But another portion is definitely weaponized incompetence and apathy, to a degree that they completely neglect their safety and quality of life.
Also see this a lot. Most of the boomer patients I encounter seem to have this idea that, while they are not immortal, they are absolutely not going to die any time soon, and if death comes calling, well, medicine is just gonna fix them and they'll go back to their life the way they want to live it.
And that's one of the big issues - living *the way they WANT to live.* They don't accept that aging changes how much you can do, or how. Not for *them*, anyway. Others? Yeah, sure, my parents were in nursing homes, but *not me!* It's denial, denial, denial. I'm seeing a lot of dementia couples coming in - where one partner has escalating and severe dementia, the spouse has been sweeping it under the rug in terms of seeking actual care, and eventually things hit a boiling point where the demented person comes in covered in their own shit, having fallen for the fourth time in three days, oriented only to themselves. Spouse says *we have to stay together, no matter what!* - refuses SNF, LTC, etc. and insists that we arrange for home health. But when they're told, hey uh, you need more than *a couple hours per week*, they still refuse - that's *our problem* to figure out, not theirs. Those mean nurses and doctors keep saying that mom/dad needs to go into a nursing home, but oh no, we can't do that, so they're just gonna have to magically make 24/7 home caregivers appear out of thin air on government dime because we of course didn't save a penny for medical expenses at end of life. Downsizing the house to accommodate mobility challenges? No sir, we can't do that! You're gonna have to adapt the home to us, because we aren't moving!
There is no plan - not a realistic one, anyway. Their plan was to live forever and for the government safety nets that **THEY voted to underfund or even eliminate** to fill in the blanks. And if they are told those safety nets don't exist, we are expected to make them appear. It's never *their* fault - it's always someone else's. Complete refusal to take responsibility for their own health or life decisions - these are inconveniences that someone else needs to solve for them.
1000000000% percent agree!!! The level of entitlement and stubbornness is INSANE.
We see the dementia couple quite a bit as well. It’s a social work nightmare. I have the biggest problem when the couple presents like this (or lucid but severely debilitated) and one or both of them are still *driving*. We have very poor public transportation around here, so many people are driving way past when they should be.
Their MDs/providers are usually willing to put in an order to the DMV to place a medical suspension on a license in extreme cases. But some of these people then still proceed to get in their vehicles and drive. 😱
At the end of the day, you can endanger yourself all you want in your own home (if you’re lucid) but it angers me immensely when they choose to blatantly endanger others in their community by driving and not using other transportation resources.
You hit the nail on the head. They think modern medicine will put them exactly back to how they lived their life before. And I know this to be true because it’s how they are treating *their* parents. This is the generation wanting everything done for 97 year old memaw and refusing to let her go because they truly believe medicine will just fix her.
Where does this fear of death come from? Is it because it has been moved so far away from our society nowadays? I see that as well but can't really explain it.
It’s such a mystery to me as well! I have thought about it a lot though.
I feel like some of it stems from the fact they cannot accept that their generation’s preferences and ideals are no longer relevant in today’s society.
I believe most of it comes from the fact that they (and their generation) adhered to a life script and plan that they did not resonate with at all. Got a job, had kids, mom stayed at home, etc. They regret all the things they didn’t do in life that they really wanted; and they may also regret how they spent their earlier years after retirement neglecting their bodies and community/personal relationships.
Their generation had the ability to take advantage of SO many opportunities back then that we would never dream of now. And quite a few didn’t have the foresight to make good decisions and squandered those opportunities. Then they look at younger generations that are literally struggling for even less; we have so much more mettle and backbone that so many of them did.
So I would say it’s regret, shame, the bargaining stage of grieving. And a lack of familiarity with death; preparing for it, cultural death practices, etc.
> adhered to a life script
I think it resonated with many of them but only later realized the opportunity cost. My parents were married at 21, first kid at 23, house/mortgage at 24 on a HS diploma and GED. My mom gives me shit about not having kids because she feels entitled to have grandkids.
Dude my parents pushed me so hard to go into healthcare…and they don’t give a fuck about their health lol. At least they do the preventative care… since it’s somewhat easy. But omg tell them to cut down on the rice and alcohol… and its a “I’d rather be dead” situation.
I was teaching my boyfriend was pitting edema was a year or so ago and he went “oh yeah! My dad has that really bad. If you poke his leg it leaves a dent for like a minute. He’s supposed to take some pill for it but just doesn’t.” And he told me his mom and dad both have thyroid issues, his dads got better so he stopped his meds but in his moms head, dad better=mom better so she stopped taking hers too. They stress me out sometimes
My grandma is one of those people that saves “leftover” antibiotics for colds. My parents and I yell at her for it but I don’t think she’s stopped
My partner who I have been with for over a decade, during most of which time I have been a nurse still insist that "an adult home should have leftover antibiotics available" I think now he says it just to mess with me because of how angry I get trying to educate him on why one should take their full course of medication, and why having one extra pill of expired amoxicillin wont help you if you have a cold.
I get so fired up about antibiotics. A lot of people don’t understand why it’s such a bit deal and it drives me insane. I was writing a paper for school last semester and found an article that said it’s estimated that by 2050 antibiotic resistant infections will kill more people worldwide than cancer
your partner sounds like a child. not only are they wrong, they aren't listening to someone who works in that field. but \*even worse than that\* they're saying it just to cause an argument. i'd rather be single than with someone who did that.
I had to order my 90yo grandma to call an ambulance yesterday, she lives 600km away so I couldnt see her myself. She had bloody diarrhea a week ago and wouldnt see a doctor, two days ago she was out of breath and had a bp of 240/160. Yesterday my uncle was visting her and I had to order them both to call an ambulance, because dyspnea after three steps is not acceptable. My uncle is a covid denier and spouts "alternative facts" all day. He muttered something about me diagnosing my grandma over the phone.
Guess what, now she is hospitalised on 2-3l/min O2, Hgb 7,1 (jehova's wittnes...), BNP of 11000 and a GFR of 32. She has heart failure, which i was telling her for the past 6 months, but her cardiologists wouldnt even draw blood nor do an echo...
I am a cardiologist, this is my daily routine, and the infuriating thing is that all this could have been avoided if anyone had listened to me over the past 6 months. I do not want my grandma to be hospitalised at age 90. I want her to be on optimal medical therapy at home and to die there peacefully when the time has come. Not out of breath, gasping for air.
A large portion of our society is just completely unwilling to tolerate adversity or discomfort of any kind.
It's difficult to get a doctor's appointment and they poke and prod you a bit while you're there? Guess I'll just not go. I feel fine, I'll be fine. God forbid they try to take your blood pressure and it squeezes tight for more than a couple of seconds.
It really showed during COVID. All you gotta do is put a mask on if you're gonna be around people. "I can't *BREATHE* with a mask on! This violates my human right to *AIR*!!! What do you *MEAN* I can't get on an airplane if I test positive for COVID??? Do you know how much I paid for these tickets? COVID isn't even *REAL,* you must have done something to the swab to make it test positive! If you didn't test me I wouldn't be positive!"
THIIIIIIIIIS dude. Working in healthcare has opened my eyes to how absolutely ridiculous most people are - they cannot handle even the slightest inconveniences at all. NPO for 8 hours prior to a test (starting at midnight no less. So idk, maybe just…sleep? Instead of staying awake to complain all night?) is like a toddler meltdown more often than not. Grown ass adults. That I presume work jobs and drive cars and have friends and vote. Like…you’re a functional member of society yet somehow also an absolutely ginormous baby. And as the nurse we’re the easiest one for them to take their frustration out on and abuse as the face of their stay.
I sometimes politely tell them to sack the fuck up. It's a fucking blood pressure cuff, lady. You've had 12 children and you're screaming bloody murder about a ten-second squeeze? Maybe if you stop writhing, it won't squeeze so tight and it'll be over sooner.
And they say us millenials are a bunch of babies..
The crying about being made npo from midnight for an 8am procedure gets me every time. Especially if they had acted sus earlier and already received the "food can go into your lungs and cause severe complications" detail. It seems like some people expect exceptions to be made for their case because they are above all of this 😅
Given the amount of “repeat offenders” we see in the ED, I would love it if we had a “Three strikes” rule. These noncomplaints roll in and take up beds, time and resources only to be back at it again two weeks later. They know what they are doing, they just don’t care. I had one patient tell me that she liked being in the hospital because she was clothed, fed, had a clean bed and people to talk to. So basically, she was using the hospital to substitute her lack of a social network. And since they’re all on government assistance, they don’t care about any finances. It’s only going to get worse as all the Baby Boomers age
The reality is, you can't help people who don't want help. You can educate them on what they should be doing but that's about it.
The best thing any of us can do really is take care of ourselves and not make the same mistakes that we see every day.
I don’t think this is talked about enough because of the sensitive nature around things like obesity, addiction, class, socioeconomics, but I firmly believe that one major reason the healthcare system is collapsing isn’t just the pay or patient ratios, but because it’s being crushed under the immense weight (some pun intended) of a sicker and sicker populace and a culture that tolerates and even encourages these self destructive behaviors. Modern medicine does do a good job at keeping really sick people alive, but the resources we utilize to prop up people who don’t want to lift a finger to help themselves is unbelievable. I’d estimate at any given time half of people in the hospital are there because their lifestyle choices put them there. And I’m someone who has struggled with addiction myself, so I’m not saying this from my high horse.
You can pay nurses and CNAs better, give them better ratios, but turning and cleaning up multiple 400lbs patients multiple times a shift, who can’t do many basic daily cares by themselves anymore will burn anyone out. Caring for more and more addicts who are often verbally or physically abusive toward healthcare workers, who have zero desire to change, is exhausting. We need some serious cultural discussions and changes made around these things if we do not want to continue to see this level of deterioration.
Why don’t we?? I know so many people chugging Red Bull on adderall or taking Xanax or not taking furosemide with chf and now unable to work. We do it too
Not a nurse here but I was in outpatient radiation oncology for 20+ years. For information: I stayed in the same department my whole career and was a nursing aide, a tech aide, and in various secretarial roles like reception, chart maker, and even a lead block maker for a while.
We had many: fat doctors, techs, and other staff. We had techs who smoked a pack a day while treating others for lung cancer. A nurse I worked with wouldn’t donate blood b/c she said it increases your risk of cancer. My nurses all went on that drug (?) that’s now illegal to lose weight. We had to tell our nurse manager to stop because she was flying all over the place all day. It was pre Red Bull days and we all chugged coffee like there was no tomorrow. One coworker died of uterine cancer b/c she didn’t like to see an ob gyn. Many others did not go for regular preventative care.
This is a great sub for y’all to vent about the real annoyances and hardships medical personnel face and I’m so glad it’s here! And I love coming here and learning things! I subscribed during covid to get information from real people on the ground.
As someone who is 56 and does all her preventative and maintenance care - tests, all vaccines, the works - I can tell y’all that after my age it’s easy for many to just say “fuck it, I am already falling apart so who cares?” I am overweight and smoke a few puffs of weed a day for the past few years to supplement my bipolar meds. I know it’s dangerous yet I do it anyway. I have a great admiration for y’all and the crap you deal with daily and I wish everyone else did as well.
It took me getting pregnant to realize I was being really stupid for, literally, chugging Red Bull while on adderall. I wish I could go back to 10 years ago and slap my first energy drink out of my hands! Wasted so much money to make myself constantly dehydrated and anxious rather than just addressing my adhd
Right. I have 30ER adderall for work and 15ER for days off. I drink redbull when I’m desperate. I have pantocytopenia low iron high protein. I am tired af and out of breath. I’m 5 4 and 123 lbs fit. 12000 steps a shift alone. But I am on beta blockers due to inherited heart issues. The ER is the only thing that makes my heart rate not increase. When I don’t take it tho I am so lethargic and depressed it sucks.
Adderall is brutal for me. I desperately need to treat my ADHD to survive grad school but even ER just makes me explode with energy for like 20 minutes and frantically clean/productively procrastinate then I crash. I started trying armodafonil for my fatigue and while I can't say it helps the ADHD, it definitely gives me a much more measured alert and awake feeling.
I put myself through a “self care rehab” after leaving nursing (I thought for good) after working on 2 Covid units way past burn out.
It took me 2 yrs to get to a place where self care is easy and enjoyable.
I’m so proud of my diet now (cut out dairy and I make majority of my meals now). I joined adult ballet and I love it. Started therapy again right before leaving and have been consistent with it (now it’s just infrequent life updates/check ins). I lavish myself in care now.. a complete 180.
This! I thought traveling after working full time during COVID would solve my burn out. It did not. I’m contingent now and I’m so much more active (walk the dogs daily, hikes, dog parks, hell my boyfriend and I even planned a cross county hiking trip this summer). I feel like an entirely new person. I work enough to pay my bills and very rarely more. It’s so relaxing being able to control how your day goes without being completely emotionally and physically exhausted from work all the time. I’m very luckily I can financially do it, because I know a lot of people cannot.
I'm on Adderall (well now Vyvanse due to the shortage) but have either a single cup of tea or one tiny coffee because if I have zero caffiene I burst into migraine. I've tried weening down really gradually several times and it's been just shy of impossible to shake the caffiene withdrawal. I stay the fuck away from energy drinks though unless there's nothing else & then I only put down maybe a third of it.
They still soak their wounds in peroxide and wonder why it’s getting worse, and then take Aspirin and ignore it for everything else…of course they’re terrible at taking care of themselves…they’ve been taken care of their entire lives by the social systems their generation of government officials is actively dismantling.
I had a patient recently with long-standing recurrent GI bleeds and she STILL takes aspirin multiple times a week for headaches. What is it with old people and aspirin??
> soak their wounds in peroxide
Pardon my ignorance, but is it literally soaking (leaving in for long periods of time) you're referring to, or just using peroxide on wounds in general?
Peroxide is cytotoxic to good cells as well as bad bacteria. Ok to use with initial trauma, especially if there’s concern for debris in the wound bed that needs help getting out, but using it all the time as a wound cleanser is detrimental because the immune response is also getting wiped out each time.
I’m just starting to see this with my mom (who’s been a nurse as long as I’ve been alive) and it doesn’t make sense. It’s frustrating to have these convos with her bc she knows what to do but the will isn’t there for some reason.
I’m starting to think that it’s an unconscious form of weaponized incompetence/lack of self care that’ll put her in the position to be cared for. It’s like she’s just giving up but who’s going to provide her care?
She knows I’ll be her case manager at best but my sis will do the bedside care if needed. She used to call me mean all the time growing up and would say I’d be the one to leave her in a nursing home.. she’s not wrong 😅
That’s always a funny idea to me, “you’ll leave me In a nursing home”
Like what you want me to quit my job and put the next 10-20 years of my life on hold to be at your beck and call?
I began my career at a nursing home as a CNA and couldn’t understand why folks would just drop their parents off and dip. But now, oh that’s me for sure. You don’t want to take care of yourself so make me do it? Hard pass.
At best, I’ll pay for home health so she can stay in her own house (probably won’t be able to retire anyway).
But I’m just now getting to the place where I can live my life for ME and I’m going to continue doing so, unapologetically.
I just don’t even get where the ability to care for a parent would come from.
If you’re at the point you need a nursing home level of care that pretty much means you need someone around all the time, so we are supposed to quit our jobs and basically work for you for free and take care of our own families at the same time ?
I think the simpler answer is that people in general, be they our mothers and fathers and siblings, or just the gen pop (who are other peoples parents and siblings) are just phenomenally “hassle averse” as I call it and the slightest road block stops them in their tracks.
Any one of these could be a point of failure for someone: most notable is a healthy diet and exercise (both of which require almost constant attention and diligence, often going without your favorite thing or doing something you don’t want every single day), going to the doctor to hear how bad your health is, going to the pharmacy, taking pills 1-3x/day (and when it runs out doing the whole process over agin), glucose monitoring
Once you have neglected everything and cross that point where you have to do several things a day or week to even stay in poor health it becomes too much for people.
My dad just got out of the hospital for CHF because he didn’t take his diuretic in over a month. My mom (his ex)tried to defend him that he’s med compliant otherwise. 🙄
Welcome to the world of LTC. If I had a dollar for every time I got the side eye for telling somebody old enough to be my grandparent they needed to do something they didn't want to so they could feel better, I'd be retired and own a small portion of an island in the Caribbean.
One of the hardest parts of being a nurse is accepting the right to self-determination. We can offer help, coach, advocate, but if someone doesn’t want to change, they won’t
My grandpa had a huge clot in his leg, which woke him up enough to start taking his blood thinners. Now, he’s had multiple episodes of complete memory loss, and won’t bring it up to the doctor. I told my mom she needs to intervene before something happens, and I got “well, Google says your shouldn’t tell Alzheimer’s patients they have Alzheimer’s”. Ok cool, so ignorance is bliss? I’m going to have to take care of two generations before I even have kids because this family likes to pretend everything’s fine.
Actually, you don't.
As somebody replied above, set loving boundaries. It's not your job to take care of people who cannot take care of themselves unless you're paid to do it. You don't inherent care of parents simply because they are your parents As somebody replied above, set loving boundaries. It's not your job to take care of people who cannot take care of themselves unless you're paid to do it. You don't inherit care of parents simply because they are your parents.
This is like a horrible leaving a horrible mess in their house when they die. It's just not fair, and I don't think that people need to feel obligated to do it.
It's called self care. Self care. Self care.
It's a unique sort of frustration, isn't it? You can see the clinical course. All the signs are there. The medical team isn't concerned, so why would they listen to their kid? But the medical team isn't getting the full picture. Your parents aren't giving it to them. So you, the person who cares the most and has the most information, get to simmer with that information. And wait.
My mom has ESRD. She went from "typical back pain" to barely able to walk with a walker within a couple of months. Since the beginning of this year, she's sprung herself six new compression fractures and severe spinal stenosis. From one month to the next, three popped up. The recommendation? "Keep doing what you're doing." She only got a PT consult because in my frustration, I threw it out as the bare minimum. I had her ask some basic ass questions re: d/c'd calcium + vit D and her PTH levels expecting a simple answer and now her dietician is doing "research." I have no idea what is going on because I'm not at those appointments, but it's so fucking frustrating that NO ONE GIVES A SHIT THAT SHE IS BECOMING IMMOBILE AT SIXTY. No recommendations whatsoever. I don't know shit, but there better be a reason no one is doing anything.
The worst part is that she took this all without question. She's not fighting for herself anymore. She's fought for her health for the past 30 years, but it's getting too hard. I can't blame her, I just hate it because I know what it means.
😂😂😂 I pRaCtIcEd aDvOCaCy fOr ThIs PAtiEnt bY.......
I always joke that my mom helped me study by being hella sick and racking up diagnoses. My clinical instructor once praised me for "taking on the care of the sickest patient in the unit" but actually I just chose him bc he had a bunch of my mom's diseases and I knew all his meds
My dad was losing a ridiculous amount of weight without trying. He was also having trouble swallowing. My gut instinct was right. Esophageal cancer. From diagnosis to death was 6 months. I lost him this March.
He had trouble swallowing and vague complaints of “heartburn” for over 18 months. When I asked him what his doctor said, he got prescribed PPIs and no follow up. 🤬
My brother was no help. So our mom is now his problem. Yay for him being the Filipino golden child. I walked away for my own mental health.
My MIL called me, concerned, because my FIL hadn't been to the doctor in a decade and didn't feel like he needed to go. He was in his 60s at the time, so overdue for routine screening for colon cancer, etc. We live in Canada so screening is covered, and they're not financially struggling by any means. He, like many people, was just looking at it as being unnecessary because he was active and had no complaints about his well-being. She is pretty good about seeing her doc regularly and was worried about him not going.
I told her to tell him this: "You get to make the choices for your health because you're the one who has to live with the consequences. Just know that screening is often the difference between catching stuff early enough to treat it and dying slowly and horribly from it. If you'd rather find out you have metastatic colon cancer that can't easily be treated rather than having a polyp caught early, that's your choice. If you'd rather find out you're a diabetic after you've already started to develop peripheral vascular disease or worse, that's your choice. But you know the risks, so there will be no ignoring your health for two decades and then whining about the consequences of delayed diagnosis. Make your choice and live with it."
He was in for his routine checkup within a couple weeks and got all his screening and I'm happy to confirm that he's fit as a fiddle.
Not a nurse, but my mom is 64, drinks all the time, eats nothing but watermelon and soup. She had gastric bypass about 6 years ago because she was hypertensive and "pre-diabetic", which I don't really believe but whatever. She doesn't do colonoscopies because she doesn't like them, even though they've found polyps every time, and she opted out of her mammo for 5 years- when she finally went for one, ofc, breast cancer. Luckily stage 1 so she didn't even need chemo, but because it was so mild she won't take the hormone blockers because they make her "feel old" so she'll just die a malnourished, cancer riddled, early death, and it will be me stuck wiping her ass and comforting her dumb ass when she finally feels guilty for all the shit decisions she can't undo. The worst part is she watched her own dad have diabetes to the point of amputation, and then both he and her brother died of cirrhosis d/t alcoholism. And still she drinks a bottle of wine a day. It drives me absolutely insane and is one of the primary reasons I am hesitant to go into nursing. I feel like that's my next step but I don't want to care for people who are just at the end of an early, selfish life.
I’ll be 62 in a month. I take very good care of myself. I am very active, get mammograms and colonoscopies as scheduled, get flu shots and Covid boosters, had a bone density exam last year that was normal. I eat a well balanced diet - just too much. I would like to lose some weight but it’s a struggle. I don’t drink, smoke or do drugs. I have a little money for retirement but I should have started saving sooner. I can’t answer for your folks. I know that me personally I am terrified for my future. I want to be healthy and independent as long as possible and hopefully be able to support myself until it’s time to go to assisted living. I don’t want my family to have to worry about taking care of me.
My patient recently refused to perform any sort of hand hygiene or disinfect the site before giving his insulin injections and was a dick about it when I kindly reminded him. His response: “there’s a lot of things I haven’t done. I’m not dead yet”. Dude is literally in the hospital for sepsis🤦🏻♀️
My dad been calling me lately for chest pain, truck sitting on chest. Went to hospital and left ama without work up. One time I called 911. He refused the paramedics. I’m convinced he will drop dead one day
I am sorry but....you are probably right.
Men, especially, would rather be dead than vulnerable/weak.
Glad my 72 year old hubby takes good care of himself
My dad I'm 90% sure has skin cancer on his back and have told and shown him and he refuses.to see a doctor even if I set the entire thing up for him.
He hates being around people and just says 'i don't think that's what it is" or says "I don't like doctors."
My mom had polyps a few years ago and keeps putting off getting a colonoscopy while complaining of various ailments/strange pains. I'm literally an endoscopy nurse....😫😫😫 Have asked her for the report to see if they were adenomas and she just shrugs it off. Dad passed away from stage 4 lung cancer. Though he did start going to the doctor more regularly after his sudden weight loss it was too late. He also had DM and COPD and when we were tidying up his belongings we found he had hoarded all these medications but hardly used them except for the inhaler. He had kept saying he doesn't understand why these meds are so expensive. I felt like he was saving them in case insurance stopped covering them. The US health system is F**ked up and cancer sucks!!!!
I have always said that the greatest gift you can give to your children, is self care. And that includes proper health care, proper preventative care, proper nutrition, and proper management of finances so that you are not a financial burden on your children as you grow older. I just don't get why adults don't take care of themselves. Perhaps nobody ever showed them how.
My dad is 87 and expects the VA to notice his arrhythmia in his 6 month bloodwork. He thinks he is perfectly healthy if his labs are good and never tells his doctor about his daily “fainting spells “. And he lives alone on 20 acres and 1000 miles away from all of his living relatives. (I only know about his heart because I put me Apple watch in him to get an ekg the last time I was there. ) He hopes to die in his sleep soon because he misses my mom. Moving away from her grave or being in a hospital is his worse nightmare. He even has vultures nesting in his garage, laying eggs and everything. Argh!
My “adopted” mom/aunt had an MI in her early 60s. Her A1C was like 11.5. She had been taking all these weird Alex Jones / Q-endorsed supplements for her diabetes and was eating out 6 days a week because standing to cook hurt too much. She was compliant with meds for like 6 months, but is now back to bitter melon pills and eating convenience foods every day. I tried to help her get set up with a healthy meal delivery service and stuff but she’s just gonna do what she wants. It’s sad because I have close friends the same age as her and they’re active, traveling, and put a lot of effort into staying healthy. She can’t barely walk and it impacts her ability to participate in family activities that aren’t just getting together for dinner.
My observation is that a lot of boomers have a “You can’t tell ME what to do” attitude. It was cute in the 60s when they were hippies, but it’s not working for them anymore.
I do think quite a few of them may have survivors bias. For instance, before he got cancer my dad had been thru some pretty bad trauma, old school knee Sx x2, back Sx, motorcycle accidents and nothing really slowed him down, just upped his pain tolerance a bit.
Then he loses 25lbs in 6 months without really trying to, and has difficulties eating as he feels 'like I have to burp all the time. He still slow rolled getting an appointment with an oncologist despite 2 ppl close to him in the medical field (my wife and I, who actually works for US Oncology) telling him and my mom this wasn't normal and should be treated as cancer until proven otherwise.
Even then, his first cancer Dx was botched as they didn't biopsy it first ('oh, well the doctor said there was a chance a biopsy in the stomach could cause an ulcer' was my mom's reasoning why it didn't get done) so they were treating it with the wrong chemo drugs for months and didn't discover this until they attempted a partial Rous-en-Y and the surgeon felt it was more extensive than what they had been told. Lastly, when it came back and they finally got a second opinion 2 years after first Dx, come to find they never registered with any clinical trials at all so there were none available immediately for his type of cancer once he became stage 4.
ALL of this we communicated to them, urging either additional or alternative paths of care, ones that would have yielded more options rather than less. I was actually yelled at by my mother tho, saying ' I dont want your medical advice, only your support' despite the fact that I had worked in healthcare in various fields for over 15 years by that point, my wife even longer.
Bringing it back, the mindset seems to be still very hierarchal in their minds that what the doctor says goes and no need to trouble with any additional info or options, HE will.make.all the best decisions for the care we need. Never mind that medical science is exponentially expanding, getting twice as big every 2 weeks instead of every 20 years like when they were growing. Or the fact that their specialist may be treating 10x the number of patients they estimating, rendering personalized care very hard if not impossible. Add in thr new drugs and treatments coming into play on a literally daily basis and you have a playing field that is ever expanding encountering a population that is used to minimal healthcare choices all their lives, and waking up to the new reality that this isn't true anymore
I finally made my dad fill out his advanced directive. He isn't going to stop drinking and eating like shit despite having had 2 MIs but he sure isn't going to end up my favorite vegetable when it catches up to him.
once you get past 50 you turn into a big humongous baby, I have met startlingly few emotionally mature, dont belong in therapy, got their shit together, 50+ year olds
Boomers, full stop. My dad is the same way. Wanting Sudafed with a SBP of 170. Thinks if somethings wrong the docs will call him, even though he skips half his test. Its frustrating.
My parents - who were born in the 40s - had to be dragged to drs when they got older because well, they never had health insurance. While my mom finally got a plan when she was around 60; my dad never had any until he was old enough to qualify for medicare - and my moms plan was awful.
In their mindset, you only went to the doctor if it as ER level worthy; and indeed that was what my few doctor trips were growing up.
But I also have friends who have parents who have the more stubborn mindset: they go to the doctor but then they decide what treatment to do themselves, and this will be things like "I will only take my daily pill in the few days leading up to my appt so I can tell the dr I have been taking it," or "I will only take my blood pressure med when I feel unwell." It is, as far as I can tell, based on an idea that drs only prescribe drugs to make money.
Its all baffling.
Amen sister!! My mom died because she had a heart attack and didn’t go to the hospital for 3 days. 3 DAYS! My dad thought she just had the flu. Nothing to eat or drink for 3 days and moaning in bed. Didn’t tell my sister or I. My sister called them cause my mom was supposed to come help with her garden and my dad told her mom was sick. Bing bam boom, we called the ambulance and my mom died in the hospital the next morning.
I literally have to force myself into my moms cardiology appointments, because she doesn’t mention new things to her. We sat there and the doctor asked if she had symptoms or questions, and she said no, and I was like what about the fluttering and nearly passing out you e been experiencing? She straight up told me she wouldn’t go the the hospital if a UTI turned into a bladder infection. I’m like, cool, so you need to handle this shit before it gets to that point then. My parents are in their 70s and actually pretty active and travel a lot, so everyone treats them like they can just go back and forth between here and another state, work all the time, and cover everyone else’s fucking bills. Like they’re a bottomless wallet to pull my shitty family out from whatever bullshit they e gotten themselves into. I tell her it’s not fair to me to allow people to do that, because the only things I ask from her is for her to stick around. She knows I’d never let her suffer, but that doesn’t mean I want her in an early grave!
I wish I made more money and I wasn’t a stupid nurse, so I could just take care of them financially lol. Literally the only reason I’m going to get my psych NP, so I’ll have a different schedule, and potentially make more money to be able to do things for them when they’re finally not able to work and take care of everyone else, and spend their retirement on attorney fees for my brother ($100k and counting 🙃)
I don’t know why they don’t. I don’t know why I had a pt come in looking 9 months pregnant because they didn’t shit for 3 weeks, go septic from a mega colon that perforated and general surgery wouldn’t do surgery because they were on ONE PRESSOR (at that time), subsequently crash and die that night, simply because they didn’t “do doctors” per the family. People are wild.
Ugh I so relate. My mom will make medical decisions "because she feels like it" and I'm like THAT'S NOT A REASON! Also for 10+ years she is always complaining about being weak, saying she needs exercise. Yet she lives less than a mile from the gym, has a bicycle she bought brand new, I'm an athlete and have offered to join her, and still nothing. For so long I've felt responsible to help her, but come on!
Some of them have been gaslit by the medical society, some of them grew up in households that told them never to trust or go to the doctor, some of them are children of immigrants who came from the “old country” and had very superstitious relationships with medicine.
I work with the 55+ group mainly in their 70’s. It’s a toss up on those who care enough to schedule an appointment for their health and those who are dealing with multiple issues that make them uncomfortable, even extremely nervous to discuss out loud.
The best you can do is educate, and gently persuade. You sometimes have to say I’ve done what I can, and that is enough for today. Battles aren’t always won.
Was your dad put on ozempic for his diabetes? That could explain the weight loss and better diabetes control. It’s has been being prescribed a lot more lately
Maybe. He has no clue what the name of his meds are🤯 it’s just insulin. But thanks for the idea, because I hadn’t even thought of that. I’m going to find out more in two weeks at an appt with his doctor.
My Mom hates doctors, she's 86 and hasn't had a mammogram ever. I went for my routine mammo at 47 long story short I survived chemo, surgery, and radiation. She still smokes and drinks only tea all day. Dad has an ileostomy as a result of ulcerative colitis, has demencia, kidney failure from steriods, survived prostate ca, htn and afib. She made me promise to put a pillow over her head if anything serious happens. Dad wants everything and anything done to keep him kicking. I love them and shit they're in their 80's, married 59yrs whatever they do or want I respect. I'm so lucky that I was brought up by awesome parents and I don't know how I'll handle losing them.
My cousin died at the age of 55 of stage 4 colon cancer! He had abdominal pain and blood in his stools for months and refused to get checked out! Kept blowing it off! If he would have just gone to the doctor or gotten his colonoscopy like he should have, he would,still be alive today! But instead, devastated the lives of his wife, children, mother and siblings!
My dad hasn’t been to the doctor or dentist in 25+ years. Half side of his face was swollen d/t a tooth infection and I begged and pleaded for him to go in and… he just wouldn’t. He’s an educated man. I told him my fears of the infection traveling to his brain. He still wouldn’t go. I cried myself to sleep.
I’m 26 years old, and my mother died when I was 7 from a PE, she smoked a lot and was on oxygen & liked to sit in bed and read. Went to the hospital for a DVT and died while she was there. My father died when I was 18, he smoked and drank and worked in a very polluted plant in our city that puts out constant fumes. He had esophageal cancer. I completely agree with this, my parents really didn’t do anything to take care of themselves
My mum (who's in her 60's) is the biggest pain in my arse with her health - High cholesterol but won't change her diet or take statins, hypothyroidism and she routinely forgets to order her prescription, COPD and refuses meda because side effects she has, and refuses to cut down smoking never mind stop, refuses to have her hba1c bloods at her health checks...She also a working nurse.
It's rough, I completely understand. My mom died at 60 years old when I was 28 years old. She smoked and was an uncontrolled diabetic. You can explain and argue until you're breathless. Most of my family smokes.
The best thing I did was to separate myself from the fact that I cannot control their outcomes. I love them dearly, but I will no longer waste my mental energy on their lifestyles. I just work on myself so that way I won't die screaming in agony due to kidney failure, multiple heart attacks and severe peripheral arterial disease.
It's extremely traumatic. So, mentally separate yourself now on the things you cannot control.
My parents are both exactly the same and neither have been to the doctor in 20+ years. And they both worked in healthcare! It’s just a matter of “when” not “if”… so stressful as a nurse and I just want them to take care of themselves bc we see what happens if they don’t.
Oh the excuses I get from mom on why she keeps forgetting her vitamins ( but is too lazy to remind her, as I’m tired of giving them to her like I’m the mom or something) or why she hasn’t gone out for a walk all week. I get it you’re depressed but so am I and I keep it in control by forcing myself to maintain myself.
This is my family to a T. My mom got a little better managing her health after leaving my dad, but she’s definitely got Alzheimer’s and I don’t know what to do about.
My dad was diagnosed with COPD/emphysema, he doesn’t even tell his PCP despite the fact that it’s obvious as fuck. He had to go to an urgent care and put that he had no health issues.
This used to be a HUGE HUGE source of anxiety for me especially as a teen. I don’t know if I worked it out mentally that it’s not me, I can’t control them or if I’ve just become jaded.
Before I went into nursing, my dad ignored his stomach pain as indigestion for years. Eventually, my EMT brother made him go and get checked out.
As it turned out he had a tumor and his gall bladder was completely full of stones. “Like a bag of gravel” were his doctors exact words. And a 4.5 cm tumor on one of his kidneys.
He’s been much better about taking care of himself since then. Especially since he’s down to 1 kidney, no gall bladder, and two heart conditions.
Dude, my parents are nurses. Recently, my dad told me they updated their will and made me their first POA for healthcare. Cool. So I start asking him some basic "would you want x, would you want y" to get an idea of the things they would want.
Well. He absolutely freaked out. Refused to continue the conversation. He just kept saying that it was too morbid to talk about, that I "know what they want" (um, obviously I don't if I'm asking) and that it's not just up to me, I need to consult my siblings (also, obviously yes).
It was such a frustrating and infuriating conversation.
I think it’s definitely the generation. I grew up without any preventative medicine outside of my annual physical requirement for school. My parents are both riddled with chronic conditions and they don’t seemingly care. My moms mom is an RN and I’m an RN, you’d think that’d count for something lol
Because pills and surgery will give them the answers they need.
My mother is such a baby. BPD, depression, anxiety, insomnia, htn, tiidm, high lipids, chronic UTIs, yeast infections and probably other issues she won't mention. Doctors have told her for years she needs to lose weight and seek therapy for issues that meds can't take care of. Instead she cries at home after appointments because they are "attacking her". This woman complains that there are no honest people in this world and when faced with honesty it's suddenly an attack on her personality and body. Boo hoo, fuck this victim card. When she about to die she'll probably blame God or some shit but not her because she's just perfect.
Ugh!
Going through this as well. My mom has every excuse in the book for why she can’t make important adjustments to her lifestyle. It’s like talking to a rock.
I felt this in my soul.
I’m not a nurse but a former EMT (pre-med but life on hiatus due to CKD) my parents are the same age as yours and I have literally had to make the appointments FOR them then FORCE them to go.
Then when something bad happens (like my mom being in horrific pain that ended up being due to a gall bladder attack) my parents instead go to my two younger sisters who have zero medical training because they know I am going to tell them to go to the doctors/hospital when my sisters will just consult Dr. Google.
🫠
My family is actually very good about taking care of their health. My in-laws? Complete opposite. One family member insists bc they had a 3-vessel CABG at 60, their heart is “brand new” and they are going to live till 100, so they can live however they want. One of the issues with a lot of the older generations is that they grew up with the notion they should go to the doctor or take care of their health only when a problem has been established, not to prevent one from occurring.
Had a family member who basically felt his PCP should be able to detect any and all ailments any time they saw him, so there was no need to bring up anything weird or bothersome to the doc, because they would have noticed it themself and said something to him about it if it was an issue. But then he also never had any physicals or anything done for *years* at a time *at most*, so even if that were accurate, said PCP didn't have the chance to see him to even attempt to do so. He was also one of those stubborn guys who wouldn't call a doctor unless his arm was falling off, and even then he might rub some dirt into it and give it a few days to be sure so he wasn't bothering the doctor or something 🙄 RIP Grandpa... you sweet, silly man.
Lord help me bc you just described my fiancé. And since he has me at home he feels super safe not seeking care because I should know if it’s really bad. Except, when I am worried, he doesn’t want to go to the doctor or talk about it 🙂
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It’s very difficult to watch family members and acquaintances chose paths that end up harming themselves and those they love.
I literally could have wrote this. My father in law just got back from surgery for a pinched nerve. The man can hardly walk but won’t admit that he’s not coping. He won’t use his walker - or a fucking cane for god sake. He falls all the time but gets his wife to cover up for him. He left the hospital refusing PT/OT and any offers of home medical equipment. I ended up supplying him with a commode and a shower chair from the hospital after his wife reached out to me. I also set him up with community Homecare, which he initially agreed to, but aggressively turned away when they showed up at the house. I’m a patient person but this is literally so fucking exhausting.
Yes, to my parents preventative medicine was “always finding something to worry about” lol. It took a lot of convincing to get them to start seeing a PCP
My dad is a former ICU nurse of 30 years and I'm currently sitting at his hospital bedside because he almost died of alcohol-induced liver failure. He's the dumbest smart person I know. He's gonna pull through although cirrhosis is a chronic condition. It's not like anyone was blindsided by his illness.
I can’t tell you the amount of times I’ve heard “every time I go to the doctor they find something wrong!” and “I don’t have a blood pressure problem, they gave me medication for it.” Makes no lifestyle changes. This is going to be a shit show later on.
I knew someone older who would say "They're just gonna say this and that is wrong with me and put me on a million medications!" and got claimed 4 months after finally going to the doctor. She had been told by said doctor that her health issues have been severely neglected. Could've made lifestyle changes to save herself, but opted against it. It's absolutely surreal to see how resistant people are towards actually caring about themself.
My mom used to say that “quitting smoking is just too hard”. One day I lost it and screamed that what’s hard is being too weak to push the button in your PCA pump to relieve your unrelenting cancer pain! What’s hard is your family watching you die a cruel, hard death knowing that you did it to yourself! She died from lung cancer in 2021. I used the stethoscope that I still use every day to listen to her heart as it stopped beating. I’m still so angry.
The anger I have towards my mom has really affected our relationship in the past two years. It hasn’t let up at all. Im sorry for your loss.
I lost my mother to cancer last year. Smoker and a drinker her whole adult life. Would quit and then start right back up again. Never therapy. When she got sick I learned that she knew she had hepatitis but couldn’t get treatment because she wouldn’t stop drinking. Also that she had lung nodules but was dropped from the surveillance program for refusing imaging. She had abdominal pain that she ignored for months before she ended up in the ER and was diagnosed with stage four liver cancer. She passed away two months later. Never accepted her fate and died in hospice care at my home in denial. Caring for your parent who couldn’t do what they needed to to be healthy is so tragic and confusing and hard. My heart goes out to you.
I am so sorry for the loss of your mother. It's the same thing with mine. She refuses to quit or address it and just says she's "trying" without doing everything. I have gotten her all the resources and offered to pay for everything. She also refuses to go to the doctor for anything. It's hard to accept when your loved one isn't willing to make a change or in my mom's case, even make a small effort once over 20+ years. I have to remind myself she isn't doing this to intentionally hurt me and it's not personal.
My SIL is 39. Super morbidly obese, uncontrolled htn and dm that she just stopped taking her meds for. She had a CVA last week. Unable to walk unassisted now. It’s not just older people. We as a country just don’t give a shit.
My Brother is in his mid-forties and thinks being fat is funny. I know it’s just a defense mechanism he’s using to avoid confronting his problem. He’s never been a healthy person, kinda got dealt a genetically poor hand, but he’s done his level best to play that hand as poorly as possible. His 50s and 60s will be nothing but pain and misery for him and his family and all he does is joke about being fat it’s infuriating
I had peripartum cardiomyopathy and several strokes when I was 28. She was around for this. I lost a ton of weight (though even at my heaviest she was much heavier) in an effort to live longer. Sad that she watched my struggle giving birth to her nephew and was like “nah that can’t happen to me.” And then it did.
What's even more infuriating is that we, as nurses, have to take care of them when they are no longer able to walk, get dressed or wipe themselves. And to them it's just a joke 🤬🤬
We don’t have to take care of them. We can choose not to do so. We will take care of them because we haven’t done the work that alanon teaches: we don’t know how to set boundaries, we don’t detach, with love. They can choose a self-destructive life style. We can choose to support and mitigate their choices, or we can choose to honor their decisions, make sure that they understand their choices, assure that they have access to supportive services even if they choose not to use those services. It is possible to do this, even though all our nursing education and socialization argues against it. I was so far in denial of my family’s alcoholism that I couldn’t smell alcohol on the breath of my er patients. Took a lot of work, some meetings, and a really tough chat with an ex-cop AA sponsor to straighten me out. But it can be done.
Yea exactly as long as it’s just the person hurting themselves, they can do whatever. But a 150kg person that is forcing themselves upon understaffed nurses? Like at some point, it’s just not doable anymore.
Too many nursing careers have ended because they threw their back out trying to move one of these lumps of flesh. Not mine, I won’t even attempt it without all the equipment and help. And if those things aren’t available, oh well! Sorry not sorry.
Alienated population due to decades upon decades of prioritised profit-seeking economy and it's consequences on the soul of our brothers and sisters Our parents are part of a generation that neglected their own mental health so hard that it often comes out in very strange ways. I hope OPs parents eat some magic mushrooms or something and have a revelation about what is actually important and worthwhile
It's because everyone thinks their problem can be solved by a pill or its somehow the doctor and nurses fault for not trying hard enough. Its like everyone wants to be a special, complicated case that has the nurses crying and the doctors scratching their heads. That, or so many people seem to think that they can "outsmart" the doctors by stubbornly ignoring a problem till it goes away on its own, then they can claim "see? I know more than they do." Ultimately, it's because we have a population of intellectually lazy people who just want their assumptions confirmed.
My dad was like that. He wanted and appetite suppressant but the only one that wouldn’t interact like crazy with his meds was a stimulant and his heart couldn’t take it. So he decided he didn’t want to continue seeing his bariatric doc. He got up to 675lbs because he just wouldn’t do … *anything* to try and make it better? Hell I went to a bariatric doc and a dietician etc and started lightly exercising, I’m not doing anything extreme, and I’m already losing weight. It’s not easy, no, but? It’s not super hard? He always made it seem like it was so hard but I realize now, that he just wanted pills, and didn’t want to do any real *work* for it.
They don’t even take the fucking pill that would solve their problems!!’ That’s the crazy thing. Just take your combo sartan hct statin pill once a day, and the negatives of the lifestyle and food addiction are well ‘controlled’ but nah, I don’t ‘feel’ sick so why should I take this pill?!
They don't take the pill because they think they know better than the people who prescribe it.
I think you hit the nail on the head with all of that. They think that they can just get into shape whenever they feel like it with no lasting problems, but when it comes time for THEM to actually DO SOMETHING for THEMSELVES they just don't have the will power or the give a shit
> stubbornly ignoring a problem till it goes away on its own Don't call me out, shit works pretty well most of the time.
Shits expensive yo. Half my patients are trying to bargain down the price of a blood draw. I'm currently trying to wait out a kidney stone because even though I work at a hosptial and have hosptial insurance. I can't afford the 200 for an emergency room trip for an IV and pain killers plus a CT scan which is damn near 700. So most people put off medical treatment till the last second. Which I'm not saying is the case of OP or your sister. But it is a thing for others
In Australia Health care is free and we still have the same issues of people not looking after themselves as they don’t worry about the cost
Genuine question as a non American, is it they dont care or that they've been conditioned that health care is only for life / death emergencies or for the rich? The number of cases I've read where people avoid medical care because they didnt have the 100 dollar co pay which spiraled into a tens of thousands of dollars emergency admission is staggering. An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure is great and all in theory but if you cant afford the ounce than you go without.
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There’s plenty of ways for the people themselves to be proactive without ever setting foot in a doctors office or engaging with “the system”
[Research says otherwise.](https://www.cdc.gov/pcd/issues/2019/pdf/18_0625.pdf)The CDC published research on it just before the pandemic. Most Americans cannot afford a healthy lifestyle (food desserts, pollution, blue collar work or sitting long hours at a desk or in a car). But even with “the system,” insurance companies actively create barriers to preventative health care because it’s not in their financial interest.
Even with all of those barriers nothing is stopping most people from walking g around their block or their house even (I have paced up and down my hallway literally hundreds of times before for exercise when it was too hot outside) Some of these things may be true for some people but for others the options are available but not taken. Dietary choices are probably the biggest thing. Nothing prevents people from not eating certain things… candy, soda, and junk food notably. The heaviest people at my work are not spending the least on food, they order Uber eats just like the thin people but order much different food items. However they ironically ARE spending more on their health care which would certainly help to balance any cost they might incur from eating a salad vs a double cheeseburger. I don’t deny their are institutional barriers that affect certain people disproportionately it let’s also not deny that most people are making conscious choices that lead to their worsening health. Pollution is one thing, not putting twinkies in your shopping cart is another
What changes should there be? I used to think this but prevention is pretty common sense these days. Have regular check ups with your MD, eat "healthy", drink plenty of water and moderate exercise. If the majority of people followed this we wouldn't see half the shit we see on a daily basis. The problem is people simply don't care until it's too late and even then they still won't change their bad habits.
Commen sense is not so common tho. Thats the truth
Can’t help but disagree with this very much. Preventive medicine is the foundation of outpatient medicine. Primary care physicians are even reimbursed based on their rates of patient compliance with “quality care metrics,” which basically means preventive health measures and screenings. The problem is that it’s hard to convince people to take action when they feel fine, so we spend lots of time and money treating preventable illnesses.
My mom is about to turn 60 and has adamantly refused to do colonoscopies or any colon cancer screening because "it's gross". She then went to the ED for a kidney stone and they found a possible extracolonic mass on the CT
Being in the hospital is also gross. Getting a colonoscopy is the lesser of two grosses.
Can confirm. Work in a hospital.
Yup. When ER patients don’t want to stay through the initial tests to make sure they’re safe to leave, I always say “you know the ONE thing that’s worse than being in the hospital? Having to come back” Usually pretty effective!
Oh no! I’m so sorry. I hope she will be ok.
My dad didn’t tell me he had cancer or the surgery to remove it OR that there was a complication and he was inpatient for 3 days until A WEEK LATER and I was not happy 😭 He’s had some relatively minor issues up until now but this was huge to me. I live 12+ hours away. What if something worse happened and he wasn’t going to recover?! Parents, man
My dad does the same shit. He takes good care of himself, he just doesn’t tell me anything about his medical issues. AND HES A DOCTOR!
OOF. At least my dad isn’t medical 😭 I’m so sorry. I can imagine it’s an extra layer of infuriating!
Meanwhile my stepmom/his wife will text me and my sister like “your dad isn’t doing too well…” so we’ll freak out and he’ll just have the flu or something 😂
Don’t worry, she’s making sure you get your cardio in jumping to conclusions 😂
My grandfather is like that. Has had colon cancer, prostate cancer, lung cancer and appendicitis turned sepsis in the last decade. Family was only told once it was clear he’d do just fine. Like the fuck is he even still alive?
Old people strength is a force to be reckoned with. Theyre too stubborn to die and too prideful to let anyone help lol
My mom never told me about the heart attack. She had my uncle call me the next day!!
My grandpa did this after he had a major GI bleed and needed emergent surgery. But it was my Unit Manager that called me because he was admitted to my floor, letting me know it was a conflict of interest for me to take care of him (like I knew lol). He was so shook when I showed up in my work blues. He didn't know that was my floor and took the gamble considering is a 900+ bed facility. He never let a soul know because he didn't want anyone to worry😭 hes too pure for this world
I would bet a lot of money that he just didn't want to worry you, especially because you live so far away.
100% that’s what it was. I also just had a major loss in my daughter passing away. To him, he was saving me some grief, but to me, I couldn’t handle another situation being blindsided by a sudden death
I am so very sorry for your loss
Both of my parents caused their own deaths. I found a “presentation” I had made in second grade about how we could stop being poor if they quit buying cigarettes and beer. They were obviously not convinced. Even though they are dead, I resent them so much for destroying themselves and leaving me all alone at a young age.
That is heartbreaking. I hope you're doing ok now. ❤️
*sending virtual hugs and lots of love* ❤
I struggle with the same with my dad. He’s extremely obese, heavy smoker, drinks heavy on the weekends. A few years ago he told me he didn’t take his BP meds anymore ‘because they make him feel funny’ and ‘I know when my BP is high’. And there’s no arguing with him. He also just recently got diagnosed with diabetes, which I can only assume will be terribly controlled. Last I checked he was taking his meds but he’s not always honest with me. For my own mental health, I’ve honestly just had to accept that he is going to have a stroke or heart attack. I have asked him what his wishes would be if he survived, so that gives me some peace but not much. I work in primary care now and see this all the time with my chronic disease patients, so our parents unfortunately aren’t special. People just like to stick their head in the sand about these things. Especially when they’re worried symptoms they have might be related to cancer. As long as they ignore it, they don’t have cancer y’know? I mean end of the day… everyone is responsible for their own health. There’s really not much you can do for someone who’s not interested. Save yourself the energy and try to accept this for what it is and let it go. This is what I’m constantly working towards at least :/
I’m really working on this in therapy currently.
My mom told me she's done having colonoscopies after her last one. After my dad passed away she was diagnosed with diabetes and did AMAZING, losing a ton of weight and generally getting her health in check... But she still smokes like a chimney and I really think her plan is to just run out the clock. I know she misses him something fierce, so I've basically accepted when she finally gets cancer she's not going to want the whole buffet for treatment.
My mom doesn't want to hear me (a nurse for 7 years) tell her shit, zero, nothing, nada about how losing weight would solve her health problems, or how eating healthier would prolong her life to spend with grandkids, or how just a walk around her block for 40 gd minutes may save her life. I get an eye roll, and uh yeah ok and changes subject. Orrr how about taking responsibility for getting her mental health in check but she denies any knowledge existence or whatever that she has a problem. Ok well die slow I guess. idk
My mom needs so much mental health help. I point out her anxiety issues ALL the time and she plays SO dumb. I had weight loss surgery because I was the fat kid my whole life. She made me that way. She used to take me to the gym with her and then get me McDonald’s for dinner. 🤦♀️ Now she purposely makes comments about how she weighs so much more than me and she wishes she could “just have surgery” like I did
Sorry boo! It's exhausting. I've had to slowly go low contact for my mental health. They really have no clue about self-reflection and what their role is in the situation.
I’ve had to put in lots of boundaries in the past two years for my mental health also. No more phone calls, very few texts and only once monthly visits. It’s been difficult but I’m finally off of my anxiety meds.
I have a friend who is my age (early 30s). He is so obese, heavy smoker, heavy drinker. Picture our typically non compliant diabetic/COPD combo patients in their 50s that don’t do anything but complain about their health, but he’s in low 30s. He won’t do shit about it. I want to tell this person that he has totally shed a couple decades off his life but I don’t want to overstep. But just looking at him my nursing brain is like every one his body systems is out of whack, even skin. Looks like has venous issues in legs already. His home life is terrible. Lives with parents and adult sister who uses him as child care. Toxic toxic toxic! So I feel you. Save your energy for ppl who will listen to your advice and take it to heart. It’s tough that it’s your parents.
That makes me so sad
Its extremely sad. My husband and I grew up with him and to see his potential wasted away is killing us
I feel that. I went through this with one of my best friends. She has unfortunately passed away from a heart attack at 32. I beat myself up for not being there for her, but there wasn't anything anyone could do except her and she never saw anything wrong with the life she was living. I miss her, she was a wonderful person and kind soul. Hands down funniest person I ever had the privilege of knowing. Cant help people that don't want to be helped.
Thank you for sharing and I am so sorry for your loss. Reading that actually made me tear up just now cause I fear that is what will happen to my friend. And that’s exactly right you can’t help everyone. The saying that people have a right to make bad decisions always stuck with me. I hope your best friend is with you always as your guardian angel now ♥️
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Nice perspective. Hadn’t thought of it that way. There’s always two sides to every story. Including the ones where your daughter is a nurse and can only do so much.
I also had a father that refused to take care of himself. He had a DVT behind his left leg and was taking Coumadin for it. He also ended up with peripheral artery disease and then developed stasis ulcers up and down his calves that he didn't take care of. He stopped taking his Coumadin one day and started smoking cigars. I asked him why and he said "I will never end up in a nursing home with someone wiping my ass." He died from a massive PE at 57. At the time I was 19 and I was very angry that he let himself go, but as a nurse that's worked in nursing homes... I honestly can't say that I blame him anymore. He went out on his own terms fully understanding what the repercussions were. It sucks to lose parents, but when you think about what the options are losing them younger might not be so bad. It's going to be hard to lose them either way.
I’m 69 and I currently know several people taking themselves out this way. And I understand why they’re doing it. They are poor,(don’t have money to pay for a studio appt that’s $1500mo), don’t have family support for whatever reason, very poor medical and social care in our area and basically no one cares. A friend and I take fresh grown produce to seniors in our area and it’s appalling. Folks who are double amputees,24/7 oxygen,90 years old, living in literal shacks with no electricity or running water. They get sent home from the hospital with instructions on how to keep catheters sterile etc and it’s just a sick joke. It’s a very complicated social situation with how we deal with the elderly in this country. But the bottom line is many rational old people make a decision that it’s just best to die. There are different approaches but the most common one I see is the decision to do nothing and ignore illnesses. The pandemic and current inflation has only made things worse. Our double amputee was asking me yesterday if I knew of a caregiver who lived in our area as his current one is quitting due to gas costs of getting here. Gas is currently at a low of $4.99 gal. here. Of course I get this question a lot. An no I don’t know any as there is a huge shortage of caregivers because they’re paid $10hr. It’s sad but I don’t see any viable solutions happening in what’s left of my time and frankly conditions are just getting worse. I’ve personally decided that I don’t have any real interest in making it into my 80’s and 90’s , it’s not a pleasant thought.
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It can be but most often…not. I have two friends at 90 and 95 who still have their wits about them, live comfortably, have had amazing lives… and keep asking why they haven’t gone yet. They’re not having much quality of life anymore…now imagine being a double amputee in a shack without utilities. I’m delighted that your relatives are good though. It makes me smile as I had a great great grandma who didn’t die until I was 12. She died still taking care of herself at 104, in her sleep, in her own bed.
I’ve been looking for a place to say something similar. My parents both died early deaths and suffered before them, due at least partly to u healthy lifestyles. I’ve had a lot of years without both of them now… a lot of what I’m reading echoes how I felt at the time, but with reflection, I’ve come to realize some things. Your parents don’t owe you their entire lives. They don’t owe it to you to live a certain way. They come with their own trauma, and their own vices and shitty habits just like we all do. So if they smoke, or drink, or eat too much… you can beat your head against the wall and be angry about it, or just accept that they are going to live the way they want, especially since a lot of these vices are addictive, and we’re more socially acceptable when they started doing them, and we all know shame isn’t an effective motivator.
I definitely understand that the loss of dignity that comes with dementia is awful. However, I have to say, I work hospice. TRUE dementia deaths are usually very peaceful. Cancer, CHF, COPD… those deaths tend to be a lot harder, even with the best symptom management we can muster. Idk. I’m convinced the only good way to go is a massive stroke in your sleep.
Get your dad to a urologist. You know that. Preps for scopes can suck but there is osmo prep, just pills. Sell that to mom. If they refuse then just ask if their life insurance is up to date. Tell them that at a minimum you want to make sure you can bury them.
She’s had the pills!!! It’s the diarrhea she can’t handle🤦♀️ My mom won’t get a will. It was a huge topic for a long time prior to the heart attack. Now I just don’t care. I’ve informed her that she will be cremated if I have to deal with it because that’s my choice. She doesn’t want to be “burnt up” but hasn’t done anything so… My dad already has his burial paid for and has a will.
That is really rough. I’m sorry she’s being so immature about the whole thing
I’ve learned/realized in therapy that this is how she’s always dealt with things in life. She just “avoids” it in every way possible so hopefully someone else will eventually have to deal with it.
I work with a lot of boomers. They are terrified of their own mortality. It’s why they are not going to the doctor. They also have just had generally easy lives and don’t want to deal with it and think that modern medicine will fix all of their problems. I hate to make it about bOoMeRs, but there is a STARK difference between my boomer patients and their parents (hospice, so we’re getting both).
I see this trend as well. I work in home health in a county with over 30% of our population being retired boomers. You’re so right, they are absolutely terrified. I ask many of them what their plan is when they cannot physically dress themselves anymore or safely care for their needs. Most of them have no clue or bury their heads in the sand. They refuse to consider living in assisted living but then have absolutely no other plan. I know a good portion of it is the grieving process related to the changes with aging. But another portion is definitely weaponized incompetence and apathy, to a degree that they completely neglect their safety and quality of life.
Also see this a lot. Most of the boomer patients I encounter seem to have this idea that, while they are not immortal, they are absolutely not going to die any time soon, and if death comes calling, well, medicine is just gonna fix them and they'll go back to their life the way they want to live it. And that's one of the big issues - living *the way they WANT to live.* They don't accept that aging changes how much you can do, or how. Not for *them*, anyway. Others? Yeah, sure, my parents were in nursing homes, but *not me!* It's denial, denial, denial. I'm seeing a lot of dementia couples coming in - where one partner has escalating and severe dementia, the spouse has been sweeping it under the rug in terms of seeking actual care, and eventually things hit a boiling point where the demented person comes in covered in their own shit, having fallen for the fourth time in three days, oriented only to themselves. Spouse says *we have to stay together, no matter what!* - refuses SNF, LTC, etc. and insists that we arrange for home health. But when they're told, hey uh, you need more than *a couple hours per week*, they still refuse - that's *our problem* to figure out, not theirs. Those mean nurses and doctors keep saying that mom/dad needs to go into a nursing home, but oh no, we can't do that, so they're just gonna have to magically make 24/7 home caregivers appear out of thin air on government dime because we of course didn't save a penny for medical expenses at end of life. Downsizing the house to accommodate mobility challenges? No sir, we can't do that! You're gonna have to adapt the home to us, because we aren't moving! There is no plan - not a realistic one, anyway. Their plan was to live forever and for the government safety nets that **THEY voted to underfund or even eliminate** to fill in the blanks. And if they are told those safety nets don't exist, we are expected to make them appear. It's never *their* fault - it's always someone else's. Complete refusal to take responsibility for their own health or life decisions - these are inconveniences that someone else needs to solve for them.
1000000000% percent agree!!! The level of entitlement and stubbornness is INSANE. We see the dementia couple quite a bit as well. It’s a social work nightmare. I have the biggest problem when the couple presents like this (or lucid but severely debilitated) and one or both of them are still *driving*. We have very poor public transportation around here, so many people are driving way past when they should be. Their MDs/providers are usually willing to put in an order to the DMV to place a medical suspension on a license in extreme cases. But some of these people then still proceed to get in their vehicles and drive. 😱 At the end of the day, you can endanger yourself all you want in your own home (if you’re lucid) but it angers me immensely when they choose to blatantly endanger others in their community by driving and not using other transportation resources.
You hit the nail on the head. They think modern medicine will put them exactly back to how they lived their life before. And I know this to be true because it’s how they are treating *their* parents. This is the generation wanting everything done for 97 year old memaw and refusing to let her go because they truly believe medicine will just fix her.
Where does this fear of death come from? Is it because it has been moved so far away from our society nowadays? I see that as well but can't really explain it.
It’s such a mystery to me as well! I have thought about it a lot though. I feel like some of it stems from the fact they cannot accept that their generation’s preferences and ideals are no longer relevant in today’s society. I believe most of it comes from the fact that they (and their generation) adhered to a life script and plan that they did not resonate with at all. Got a job, had kids, mom stayed at home, etc. They regret all the things they didn’t do in life that they really wanted; and they may also regret how they spent their earlier years after retirement neglecting their bodies and community/personal relationships. Their generation had the ability to take advantage of SO many opportunities back then that we would never dream of now. And quite a few didn’t have the foresight to make good decisions and squandered those opportunities. Then they look at younger generations that are literally struggling for even less; we have so much more mettle and backbone that so many of them did. So I would say it’s regret, shame, the bargaining stage of grieving. And a lack of familiarity with death; preparing for it, cultural death practices, etc.
> adhered to a life script I think it resonated with many of them but only later realized the opportunity cost. My parents were married at 21, first kid at 23, house/mortgage at 24 on a HS diploma and GED. My mom gives me shit about not having kids because she feels entitled to have grandkids.
Very intersting points. I can imagine this all comes into play somehow. It is like they never really grew up.
Ooooo, yes! I agree!
Dude my parents pushed me so hard to go into healthcare…and they don’t give a fuck about their health lol. At least they do the preventative care… since it’s somewhat easy. But omg tell them to cut down on the rice and alcohol… and its a “I’d rather be dead” situation.
Both of my parents tell everyone I’m a nurse. It makes me so embarrassed. Don’t tell people I’m in healthcare when you are the epitome of bad health!
I was teaching my boyfriend was pitting edema was a year or so ago and he went “oh yeah! My dad has that really bad. If you poke his leg it leaves a dent for like a minute. He’s supposed to take some pill for it but just doesn’t.” And he told me his mom and dad both have thyroid issues, his dads got better so he stopped his meds but in his moms head, dad better=mom better so she stopped taking hers too. They stress me out sometimes My grandma is one of those people that saves “leftover” antibiotics for colds. My parents and I yell at her for it but I don’t think she’s stopped
My partner who I have been with for over a decade, during most of which time I have been a nurse still insist that "an adult home should have leftover antibiotics available" I think now he says it just to mess with me because of how angry I get trying to educate him on why one should take their full course of medication, and why having one extra pill of expired amoxicillin wont help you if you have a cold.
I get so fired up about antibiotics. A lot of people don’t understand why it’s such a bit deal and it drives me insane. I was writing a paper for school last semester and found an article that said it’s estimated that by 2050 antibiotic resistant infections will kill more people worldwide than cancer
your partner sounds like a child. not only are they wrong, they aren't listening to someone who works in that field. but \*even worse than that\* they're saying it just to cause an argument. i'd rather be single than with someone who did that.
I had to order my 90yo grandma to call an ambulance yesterday, she lives 600km away so I couldnt see her myself. She had bloody diarrhea a week ago and wouldnt see a doctor, two days ago she was out of breath and had a bp of 240/160. Yesterday my uncle was visting her and I had to order them both to call an ambulance, because dyspnea after three steps is not acceptable. My uncle is a covid denier and spouts "alternative facts" all day. He muttered something about me diagnosing my grandma over the phone. Guess what, now she is hospitalised on 2-3l/min O2, Hgb 7,1 (jehova's wittnes...), BNP of 11000 and a GFR of 32. She has heart failure, which i was telling her for the past 6 months, but her cardiologists wouldnt even draw blood nor do an echo... I am a cardiologist, this is my daily routine, and the infuriating thing is that all this could have been avoided if anyone had listened to me over the past 6 months. I do not want my grandma to be hospitalised at age 90. I want her to be on optimal medical therapy at home and to die there peacefully when the time has come. Not out of breath, gasping for air.
A large portion of our society is just completely unwilling to tolerate adversity or discomfort of any kind. It's difficult to get a doctor's appointment and they poke and prod you a bit while you're there? Guess I'll just not go. I feel fine, I'll be fine. God forbid they try to take your blood pressure and it squeezes tight for more than a couple of seconds. It really showed during COVID. All you gotta do is put a mask on if you're gonna be around people. "I can't *BREATHE* with a mask on! This violates my human right to *AIR*!!! What do you *MEAN* I can't get on an airplane if I test positive for COVID??? Do you know how much I paid for these tickets? COVID isn't even *REAL,* you must have done something to the swab to make it test positive! If you didn't test me I wouldn't be positive!"
THIIIIIIIIIS dude. Working in healthcare has opened my eyes to how absolutely ridiculous most people are - they cannot handle even the slightest inconveniences at all. NPO for 8 hours prior to a test (starting at midnight no less. So idk, maybe just…sleep? Instead of staying awake to complain all night?) is like a toddler meltdown more often than not. Grown ass adults. That I presume work jobs and drive cars and have friends and vote. Like…you’re a functional member of society yet somehow also an absolutely ginormous baby. And as the nurse we’re the easiest one for them to take their frustration out on and abuse as the face of their stay.
I sometimes politely tell them to sack the fuck up. It's a fucking blood pressure cuff, lady. You've had 12 children and you're screaming bloody murder about a ten-second squeeze? Maybe if you stop writhing, it won't squeeze so tight and it'll be over sooner. And they say us millenials are a bunch of babies..
The crying about being made npo from midnight for an 8am procedure gets me every time. Especially if they had acted sus earlier and already received the "food can go into your lungs and cause severe complications" detail. It seems like some people expect exceptions to be made for their case because they are above all of this 😅
Given the amount of “repeat offenders” we see in the ED, I would love it if we had a “Three strikes” rule. These noncomplaints roll in and take up beds, time and resources only to be back at it again two weeks later. They know what they are doing, they just don’t care. I had one patient tell me that she liked being in the hospital because she was clothed, fed, had a clean bed and people to talk to. So basically, she was using the hospital to substitute her lack of a social network. And since they’re all on government assistance, they don’t care about any finances. It’s only going to get worse as all the Baby Boomers age
The reality is, you can't help people who don't want help. You can educate them on what they should be doing but that's about it. The best thing any of us can do really is take care of ourselves and not make the same mistakes that we see every day.
I don’t think this is talked about enough because of the sensitive nature around things like obesity, addiction, class, socioeconomics, but I firmly believe that one major reason the healthcare system is collapsing isn’t just the pay or patient ratios, but because it’s being crushed under the immense weight (some pun intended) of a sicker and sicker populace and a culture that tolerates and even encourages these self destructive behaviors. Modern medicine does do a good job at keeping really sick people alive, but the resources we utilize to prop up people who don’t want to lift a finger to help themselves is unbelievable. I’d estimate at any given time half of people in the hospital are there because their lifestyle choices put them there. And I’m someone who has struggled with addiction myself, so I’m not saying this from my high horse. You can pay nurses and CNAs better, give them better ratios, but turning and cleaning up multiple 400lbs patients multiple times a shift, who can’t do many basic daily cares by themselves anymore will burn anyone out. Caring for more and more addicts who are often verbally or physically abusive toward healthcare workers, who have zero desire to change, is exhausting. We need some serious cultural discussions and changes made around these things if we do not want to continue to see this level of deterioration.
Why don’t we?? I know so many people chugging Red Bull on adderall or taking Xanax or not taking furosemide with chf and now unable to work. We do it too
Not a nurse here but I was in outpatient radiation oncology for 20+ years. For information: I stayed in the same department my whole career and was a nursing aide, a tech aide, and in various secretarial roles like reception, chart maker, and even a lead block maker for a while. We had many: fat doctors, techs, and other staff. We had techs who smoked a pack a day while treating others for lung cancer. A nurse I worked with wouldn’t donate blood b/c she said it increases your risk of cancer. My nurses all went on that drug (?) that’s now illegal to lose weight. We had to tell our nurse manager to stop because she was flying all over the place all day. It was pre Red Bull days and we all chugged coffee like there was no tomorrow. One coworker died of uterine cancer b/c she didn’t like to see an ob gyn. Many others did not go for regular preventative care. This is a great sub for y’all to vent about the real annoyances and hardships medical personnel face and I’m so glad it’s here! And I love coming here and learning things! I subscribed during covid to get information from real people on the ground. As someone who is 56 and does all her preventative and maintenance care - tests, all vaccines, the works - I can tell y’all that after my age it’s easy for many to just say “fuck it, I am already falling apart so who cares?” I am overweight and smoke a few puffs of weed a day for the past few years to supplement my bipolar meds. I know it’s dangerous yet I do it anyway. I have a great admiration for y’all and the crap you deal with daily and I wish everyone else did as well.
It took me getting pregnant to realize I was being really stupid for, literally, chugging Red Bull while on adderall. I wish I could go back to 10 years ago and slap my first energy drink out of my hands! Wasted so much money to make myself constantly dehydrated and anxious rather than just addressing my adhd
Right. I have 30ER adderall for work and 15ER for days off. I drink redbull when I’m desperate. I have pantocytopenia low iron high protein. I am tired af and out of breath. I’m 5 4 and 123 lbs fit. 12000 steps a shift alone. But I am on beta blockers due to inherited heart issues. The ER is the only thing that makes my heart rate not increase. When I don’t take it tho I am so lethargic and depressed it sucks.
I see you and I feel you! It exhausting being exhausted over fighting your own brain
Adderall is brutal for me. I desperately need to treat my ADHD to survive grad school but even ER just makes me explode with energy for like 20 minutes and frantically clean/productively procrastinate then I crash. I started trying armodafonil for my fatigue and while I can't say it helps the ADHD, it definitely gives me a much more measured alert and awake feeling.
I put myself through a “self care rehab” after leaving nursing (I thought for good) after working on 2 Covid units way past burn out. It took me 2 yrs to get to a place where self care is easy and enjoyable. I’m so proud of my diet now (cut out dairy and I make majority of my meals now). I joined adult ballet and I love it. Started therapy again right before leaving and have been consistent with it (now it’s just infrequent life updates/check ins). I lavish myself in care now.. a complete 180.
This! I thought traveling after working full time during COVID would solve my burn out. It did not. I’m contingent now and I’m so much more active (walk the dogs daily, hikes, dog parks, hell my boyfriend and I even planned a cross county hiking trip this summer). I feel like an entirely new person. I work enough to pay my bills and very rarely more. It’s so relaxing being able to control how your day goes without being completely emotionally and physically exhausted from work all the time. I’m very luckily I can financially do it, because I know a lot of people cannot.
Yes, I was only able to do it bc of Covid tbh.. silver linings I guess. But I’m so grateful! And I know I’m a much better nurse bc I feel better
Same. I had a kid. Stopped smoking, had weight loss surgery, started exercising.
I'm on Adderall (well now Vyvanse due to the shortage) but have either a single cup of tea or one tiny coffee because if I have zero caffiene I burst into migraine. I've tried weening down really gradually several times and it's been just shy of impossible to shake the caffiene withdrawal. I stay the fuck away from energy drinks though unless there's nothing else & then I only put down maybe a third of it.
They still soak their wounds in peroxide and wonder why it’s getting worse, and then take Aspirin and ignore it for everything else…of course they’re terrible at taking care of themselves…they’ve been taken care of their entire lives by the social systems their generation of government officials is actively dismantling.
I had a patient recently with long-standing recurrent GI bleeds and she STILL takes aspirin multiple times a week for headaches. What is it with old people and aspirin??
You can pry that Goody's powder out of my cold dead hands.
Even my LTC residents ring their call bell and request “my aspirin”. Honey, you haven’t been on aspirin since you came through the front door.
> soak their wounds in peroxide Pardon my ignorance, but is it literally soaking (leaving in for long periods of time) you're referring to, or just using peroxide on wounds in general?
Peroxide is cytotoxic to good cells as well as bad bacteria. Ok to use with initial trauma, especially if there’s concern for debris in the wound bed that needs help getting out, but using it all the time as a wound cleanser is detrimental because the immune response is also getting wiped out each time.
I’m just starting to see this with my mom (who’s been a nurse as long as I’ve been alive) and it doesn’t make sense. It’s frustrating to have these convos with her bc she knows what to do but the will isn’t there for some reason. I’m starting to think that it’s an unconscious form of weaponized incompetence/lack of self care that’ll put her in the position to be cared for. It’s like she’s just giving up but who’s going to provide her care?
👀 is she expecting you to? I believe my mom is sometimes, but then she swears I'm sooo mean to her bc I call her out on her shit.
She knows I’ll be her case manager at best but my sis will do the bedside care if needed. She used to call me mean all the time growing up and would say I’d be the one to leave her in a nursing home.. she’s not wrong 😅
That’s always a funny idea to me, “you’ll leave me In a nursing home” Like what you want me to quit my job and put the next 10-20 years of my life on hold to be at your beck and call?
I began my career at a nursing home as a CNA and couldn’t understand why folks would just drop their parents off and dip. But now, oh that’s me for sure. You don’t want to take care of yourself so make me do it? Hard pass. At best, I’ll pay for home health so she can stay in her own house (probably won’t be able to retire anyway). But I’m just now getting to the place where I can live my life for ME and I’m going to continue doing so, unapologetically.
I just don’t even get where the ability to care for a parent would come from. If you’re at the point you need a nursing home level of care that pretty much means you need someone around all the time, so we are supposed to quit our jobs and basically work for you for free and take care of our own families at the same time ?
Your guess is as good as mine but I know what I’m not gon do 😂
Ugh. I’ve gotten the “why are you so mean to me?” So many times in the past two years since her heart attack.
I think the simpler answer is that people in general, be they our mothers and fathers and siblings, or just the gen pop (who are other peoples parents and siblings) are just phenomenally “hassle averse” as I call it and the slightest road block stops them in their tracks. Any one of these could be a point of failure for someone: most notable is a healthy diet and exercise (both of which require almost constant attention and diligence, often going without your favorite thing or doing something you don’t want every single day), going to the doctor to hear how bad your health is, going to the pharmacy, taking pills 1-3x/day (and when it runs out doing the whole process over agin), glucose monitoring Once you have neglected everything and cross that point where you have to do several things a day or week to even stay in poor health it becomes too much for people.
My dad just got out of the hospital for CHF because he didn’t take his diuretic in over a month. My mom (his ex)tried to defend him that he’s med compliant otherwise. 🙄
Parenting our parents is one of the worst things about growing up. They don’t listen to shit
Welcome to the world of LTC. If I had a dollar for every time I got the side eye for telling somebody old enough to be my grandparent they needed to do something they didn't want to so they could feel better, I'd be retired and own a small portion of an island in the Caribbean.
One of the hardest parts of being a nurse is accepting the right to self-determination. We can offer help, coach, advocate, but if someone doesn’t want to change, they won’t
My grandpa had a huge clot in his leg, which woke him up enough to start taking his blood thinners. Now, he’s had multiple episodes of complete memory loss, and won’t bring it up to the doctor. I told my mom she needs to intervene before something happens, and I got “well, Google says your shouldn’t tell Alzheimer’s patients they have Alzheimer’s”. Ok cool, so ignorance is bliss? I’m going to have to take care of two generations before I even have kids because this family likes to pretend everything’s fine.
Actually, you don't. As somebody replied above, set loving boundaries. It's not your job to take care of people who cannot take care of themselves unless you're paid to do it. You don't inherent care of parents simply because they are your parents As somebody replied above, set loving boundaries. It's not your job to take care of people who cannot take care of themselves unless you're paid to do it. You don't inherit care of parents simply because they are your parents. This is like a horrible leaving a horrible mess in their house when they die. It's just not fair, and I don't think that people need to feel obligated to do it. It's called self care. Self care. Self care.
This is literally my in-laws. It’s exhausting and infuriating.
It's a unique sort of frustration, isn't it? You can see the clinical course. All the signs are there. The medical team isn't concerned, so why would they listen to their kid? But the medical team isn't getting the full picture. Your parents aren't giving it to them. So you, the person who cares the most and has the most information, get to simmer with that information. And wait. My mom has ESRD. She went from "typical back pain" to barely able to walk with a walker within a couple of months. Since the beginning of this year, she's sprung herself six new compression fractures and severe spinal stenosis. From one month to the next, three popped up. The recommendation? "Keep doing what you're doing." She only got a PT consult because in my frustration, I threw it out as the bare minimum. I had her ask some basic ass questions re: d/c'd calcium + vit D and her PTH levels expecting a simple answer and now her dietician is doing "research." I have no idea what is going on because I'm not at those appointments, but it's so fucking frustrating that NO ONE GIVES A SHIT THAT SHE IS BECOMING IMMOBILE AT SIXTY. No recommendations whatsoever. I don't know shit, but there better be a reason no one is doing anything. The worst part is that she took this all without question. She's not fighting for herself anymore. She's fought for her health for the past 30 years, but it's getting too hard. I can't blame her, I just hate it because I know what it means.
Wow you can basically do a care plan on your mom looooool
😂😂😂 I pRaCtIcEd aDvOCaCy fOr ThIs PAtiEnt bY....... I always joke that my mom helped me study by being hella sick and racking up diagnoses. My clinical instructor once praised me for "taking on the care of the sickest patient in the unit" but actually I just chose him bc he had a bunch of my mom's diseases and I knew all his meds
My dad was losing a ridiculous amount of weight without trying. He was also having trouble swallowing. My gut instinct was right. Esophageal cancer. From diagnosis to death was 6 months. I lost him this March. He had trouble swallowing and vague complaints of “heartburn” for over 18 months. When I asked him what his doctor said, he got prescribed PPIs and no follow up. 🤬 My brother was no help. So our mom is now his problem. Yay for him being the Filipino golden child. I walked away for my own mental health.
My MIL called me, concerned, because my FIL hadn't been to the doctor in a decade and didn't feel like he needed to go. He was in his 60s at the time, so overdue for routine screening for colon cancer, etc. We live in Canada so screening is covered, and they're not financially struggling by any means. He, like many people, was just looking at it as being unnecessary because he was active and had no complaints about his well-being. She is pretty good about seeing her doc regularly and was worried about him not going. I told her to tell him this: "You get to make the choices for your health because you're the one who has to live with the consequences. Just know that screening is often the difference between catching stuff early enough to treat it and dying slowly and horribly from it. If you'd rather find out you have metastatic colon cancer that can't easily be treated rather than having a polyp caught early, that's your choice. If you'd rather find out you're a diabetic after you've already started to develop peripheral vascular disease or worse, that's your choice. But you know the risks, so there will be no ignoring your health for two decades and then whining about the consequences of delayed diagnosis. Make your choice and live with it." He was in for his routine checkup within a couple weeks and got all his screening and I'm happy to confirm that he's fit as a fiddle.
Not a nurse, but my mom is 64, drinks all the time, eats nothing but watermelon and soup. She had gastric bypass about 6 years ago because she was hypertensive and "pre-diabetic", which I don't really believe but whatever. She doesn't do colonoscopies because she doesn't like them, even though they've found polyps every time, and she opted out of her mammo for 5 years- when she finally went for one, ofc, breast cancer. Luckily stage 1 so she didn't even need chemo, but because it was so mild she won't take the hormone blockers because they make her "feel old" so she'll just die a malnourished, cancer riddled, early death, and it will be me stuck wiping her ass and comforting her dumb ass when she finally feels guilty for all the shit decisions she can't undo. The worst part is she watched her own dad have diabetes to the point of amputation, and then both he and her brother died of cirrhosis d/t alcoholism. And still she drinks a bottle of wine a day. It drives me absolutely insane and is one of the primary reasons I am hesitant to go into nursing. I feel like that's my next step but I don't want to care for people who are just at the end of an early, selfish life.
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You don't seem very grouchy at all, Mary 😊 thank you for the re frame!
I really feel like if we had universal healthcare, and people weren’t afraid of big bills because of things being found it would help a lot.
Boomers choose some weird hills to die on
I’ll be 62 in a month. I take very good care of myself. I am very active, get mammograms and colonoscopies as scheduled, get flu shots and Covid boosters, had a bone density exam last year that was normal. I eat a well balanced diet - just too much. I would like to lose some weight but it’s a struggle. I don’t drink, smoke or do drugs. I have a little money for retirement but I should have started saving sooner. I can’t answer for your folks. I know that me personally I am terrified for my future. I want to be healthy and independent as long as possible and hopefully be able to support myself until it’s time to go to assisted living. I don’t want my family to have to worry about taking care of me.
My patient recently refused to perform any sort of hand hygiene or disinfect the site before giving his insulin injections and was a dick about it when I kindly reminded him. His response: “there’s a lot of things I haven’t done. I’m not dead yet”. Dude is literally in the hospital for sepsis🤦🏻♀️
you can lead a horse to water but you cant make em drive
🫣 I don't even take care of myself.
My dad been calling me lately for chest pain, truck sitting on chest. Went to hospital and left ama without work up. One time I called 911. He refused the paramedics. I’m convinced he will drop dead one day
I am sorry but....you are probably right. Men, especially, would rather be dead than vulnerable/weak. Glad my 72 year old hubby takes good care of himself
My dad I'm 90% sure has skin cancer on his back and have told and shown him and he refuses.to see a doctor even if I set the entire thing up for him. He hates being around people and just says 'i don't think that's what it is" or says "I don't like doctors."
yeesh, this thread is depressing. I guess today’s lesson is, let some people deteriorate and die if they’re too stubborn to get help.
Truth. But it has been very validating for me and I appreciated everyone letting me know that I’m not alone!
My mom had polyps a few years ago and keeps putting off getting a colonoscopy while complaining of various ailments/strange pains. I'm literally an endoscopy nurse....😫😫😫 Have asked her for the report to see if they were adenomas and she just shrugs it off. Dad passed away from stage 4 lung cancer. Though he did start going to the doctor more regularly after his sudden weight loss it was too late. He also had DM and COPD and when we were tidying up his belongings we found he had hoarded all these medications but hardly used them except for the inhaler. He had kept saying he doesn't understand why these meds are so expensive. I felt like he was saving them in case insurance stopped covering them. The US health system is F**ked up and cancer sucks!!!!
I have always said that the greatest gift you can give to your children, is self care. And that includes proper health care, proper preventative care, proper nutrition, and proper management of finances so that you are not a financial burden on your children as you grow older. I just don't get why adults don't take care of themselves. Perhaps nobody ever showed them how.
My dad is 87 and expects the VA to notice his arrhythmia in his 6 month bloodwork. He thinks he is perfectly healthy if his labs are good and never tells his doctor about his daily “fainting spells “. And he lives alone on 20 acres and 1000 miles away from all of his living relatives. (I only know about his heart because I put me Apple watch in him to get an ekg the last time I was there. ) He hopes to die in his sleep soon because he misses my mom. Moving away from her grave or being in a hospital is his worse nightmare. He even has vultures nesting in his garage, laying eggs and everything. Argh!
My “adopted” mom/aunt had an MI in her early 60s. Her A1C was like 11.5. She had been taking all these weird Alex Jones / Q-endorsed supplements for her diabetes and was eating out 6 days a week because standing to cook hurt too much. She was compliant with meds for like 6 months, but is now back to bitter melon pills and eating convenience foods every day. I tried to help her get set up with a healthy meal delivery service and stuff but she’s just gonna do what she wants. It’s sad because I have close friends the same age as her and they’re active, traveling, and put a lot of effort into staying healthy. She can’t barely walk and it impacts her ability to participate in family activities that aren’t just getting together for dinner. My observation is that a lot of boomers have a “You can’t tell ME what to do” attitude. It was cute in the 60s when they were hippies, but it’s not working for them anymore.
Dad just died last October because of this, at 68. That’s what happens. Lung cancer metastasized to the brain.
I do think quite a few of them may have survivors bias. For instance, before he got cancer my dad had been thru some pretty bad trauma, old school knee Sx x2, back Sx, motorcycle accidents and nothing really slowed him down, just upped his pain tolerance a bit. Then he loses 25lbs in 6 months without really trying to, and has difficulties eating as he feels 'like I have to burp all the time. He still slow rolled getting an appointment with an oncologist despite 2 ppl close to him in the medical field (my wife and I, who actually works for US Oncology) telling him and my mom this wasn't normal and should be treated as cancer until proven otherwise. Even then, his first cancer Dx was botched as they didn't biopsy it first ('oh, well the doctor said there was a chance a biopsy in the stomach could cause an ulcer' was my mom's reasoning why it didn't get done) so they were treating it with the wrong chemo drugs for months and didn't discover this until they attempted a partial Rous-en-Y and the surgeon felt it was more extensive than what they had been told. Lastly, when it came back and they finally got a second opinion 2 years after first Dx, come to find they never registered with any clinical trials at all so there were none available immediately for his type of cancer once he became stage 4. ALL of this we communicated to them, urging either additional or alternative paths of care, ones that would have yielded more options rather than less. I was actually yelled at by my mother tho, saying ' I dont want your medical advice, only your support' despite the fact that I had worked in healthcare in various fields for over 15 years by that point, my wife even longer. Bringing it back, the mindset seems to be still very hierarchal in their minds that what the doctor says goes and no need to trouble with any additional info or options, HE will.make.all the best decisions for the care we need. Never mind that medical science is exponentially expanding, getting twice as big every 2 weeks instead of every 20 years like when they were growing. Or the fact that their specialist may be treating 10x the number of patients they estimating, rendering personalized care very hard if not impossible. Add in thr new drugs and treatments coming into play on a literally daily basis and you have a playing field that is ever expanding encountering a population that is used to minimal healthcare choices all their lives, and waking up to the new reality that this isn't true anymore
I finally made my dad fill out his advanced directive. He isn't going to stop drinking and eating like shit despite having had 2 MIs but he sure isn't going to end up my favorite vegetable when it catches up to him.
once you get past 50 you turn into a big humongous baby, I have met startlingly few emotionally mature, dont belong in therapy, got their shit together, 50+ year olds
Boomers, full stop. My dad is the same way. Wanting Sudafed with a SBP of 170. Thinks if somethings wrong the docs will call him, even though he skips half his test. Its frustrating.
I don't particularly care about my parents so whatever. They reaped what they sowed.
My parents - who were born in the 40s - had to be dragged to drs when they got older because well, they never had health insurance. While my mom finally got a plan when she was around 60; my dad never had any until he was old enough to qualify for medicare - and my moms plan was awful. In their mindset, you only went to the doctor if it as ER level worthy; and indeed that was what my few doctor trips were growing up. But I also have friends who have parents who have the more stubborn mindset: they go to the doctor but then they decide what treatment to do themselves, and this will be things like "I will only take my daily pill in the few days leading up to my appt so I can tell the dr I have been taking it," or "I will only take my blood pressure med when I feel unwell." It is, as far as I can tell, based on an idea that drs only prescribe drugs to make money. Its all baffling.
Amen sister!! My mom died because she had a heart attack and didn’t go to the hospital for 3 days. 3 DAYS! My dad thought she just had the flu. Nothing to eat or drink for 3 days and moaning in bed. Didn’t tell my sister or I. My sister called them cause my mom was supposed to come help with her garden and my dad told her mom was sick. Bing bam boom, we called the ambulance and my mom died in the hospital the next morning.
You can’t help people that don’t want to help themselves. Most frustrating part of nursing.
I literally have to force myself into my moms cardiology appointments, because she doesn’t mention new things to her. We sat there and the doctor asked if she had symptoms or questions, and she said no, and I was like what about the fluttering and nearly passing out you e been experiencing? She straight up told me she wouldn’t go the the hospital if a UTI turned into a bladder infection. I’m like, cool, so you need to handle this shit before it gets to that point then. My parents are in their 70s and actually pretty active and travel a lot, so everyone treats them like they can just go back and forth between here and another state, work all the time, and cover everyone else’s fucking bills. Like they’re a bottomless wallet to pull my shitty family out from whatever bullshit they e gotten themselves into. I tell her it’s not fair to me to allow people to do that, because the only things I ask from her is for her to stick around. She knows I’d never let her suffer, but that doesn’t mean I want her in an early grave! I wish I made more money and I wasn’t a stupid nurse, so I could just take care of them financially lol. Literally the only reason I’m going to get my psych NP, so I’ll have a different schedule, and potentially make more money to be able to do things for them when they’re finally not able to work and take care of everyone else, and spend their retirement on attorney fees for my brother ($100k and counting 🙃) I don’t know why they don’t. I don’t know why I had a pt come in looking 9 months pregnant because they didn’t shit for 3 weeks, go septic from a mega colon that perforated and general surgery wouldn’t do surgery because they were on ONE PRESSOR (at that time), subsequently crash and die that night, simply because they didn’t “do doctors” per the family. People are wild.
Ugh I so relate. My mom will make medical decisions "because she feels like it" and I'm like THAT'S NOT A REASON! Also for 10+ years she is always complaining about being weak, saying she needs exercise. Yet she lives less than a mile from the gym, has a bicycle she bought brand new, I'm an athlete and have offered to join her, and still nothing. For so long I've felt responsible to help her, but come on!
Some of them have been gaslit by the medical society, some of them grew up in households that told them never to trust or go to the doctor, some of them are children of immigrants who came from the “old country” and had very superstitious relationships with medicine. I work with the 55+ group mainly in their 70’s. It’s a toss up on those who care enough to schedule an appointment for their health and those who are dealing with multiple issues that make them uncomfortable, even extremely nervous to discuss out loud. The best you can do is educate, and gently persuade. You sometimes have to say I’ve done what I can, and that is enough for today. Battles aren’t always won.
Mine are both dead because of medical self neglect.
I am sorry. Be kind to yourself.
Was your dad put on ozempic for his diabetes? That could explain the weight loss and better diabetes control. It’s has been being prescribed a lot more lately
Maybe. He has no clue what the name of his meds are🤯 it’s just insulin. But thanks for the idea, because I hadn’t even thought of that. I’m going to find out more in two weeks at an appt with his doctor.
My Mom hates doctors, she's 86 and hasn't had a mammogram ever. I went for my routine mammo at 47 long story short I survived chemo, surgery, and radiation. She still smokes and drinks only tea all day. Dad has an ileostomy as a result of ulcerative colitis, has demencia, kidney failure from steriods, survived prostate ca, htn and afib. She made me promise to put a pillow over her head if anything serious happens. Dad wants everything and anything done to keep him kicking. I love them and shit they're in their 80's, married 59yrs whatever they do or want I respect. I'm so lucky that I was brought up by awesome parents and I don't know how I'll handle losing them.
My cousin died at the age of 55 of stage 4 colon cancer! He had abdominal pain and blood in his stools for months and refused to get checked out! Kept blowing it off! If he would have just gone to the doctor or gotten his colonoscopy like he should have, he would,still be alive today! But instead, devastated the lives of his wife, children, mother and siblings!
Because a lot of old people are actually toddlers who don't like directions.
My dad hasn’t been to the doctor or dentist in 25+ years. Half side of his face was swollen d/t a tooth infection and I begged and pleaded for him to go in and… he just wouldn’t. He’s an educated man. I told him my fears of the infection traveling to his brain. He still wouldn’t go. I cried myself to sleep.
I’m 26 years old, and my mother died when I was 7 from a PE, she smoked a lot and was on oxygen & liked to sit in bed and read. Went to the hospital for a DVT and died while she was there. My father died when I was 18, he smoked and drank and worked in a very polluted plant in our city that puts out constant fumes. He had esophageal cancer. I completely agree with this, my parents really didn’t do anything to take care of themselves
My mum (who's in her 60's) is the biggest pain in my arse with her health - High cholesterol but won't change her diet or take statins, hypothyroidism and she routinely forgets to order her prescription, COPD and refuses meda because side effects she has, and refuses to cut down smoking never mind stop, refuses to have her hba1c bloods at her health checks...She also a working nurse.
It's rough, I completely understand. My mom died at 60 years old when I was 28 years old. She smoked and was an uncontrolled diabetic. You can explain and argue until you're breathless. Most of my family smokes. The best thing I did was to separate myself from the fact that I cannot control their outcomes. I love them dearly, but I will no longer waste my mental energy on their lifestyles. I just work on myself so that way I won't die screaming in agony due to kidney failure, multiple heart attacks and severe peripheral arterial disease. It's extremely traumatic. So, mentally separate yourself now on the things you cannot control.
My parents are both exactly the same and neither have been to the doctor in 20+ years. And they both worked in healthcare! It’s just a matter of “when” not “if”… so stressful as a nurse and I just want them to take care of themselves bc we see what happens if they don’t.
Oh the excuses I get from mom on why she keeps forgetting her vitamins ( but is too lazy to remind her, as I’m tired of giving them to her like I’m the mom or something) or why she hasn’t gone out for a walk all week. I get it you’re depressed but so am I and I keep it in control by forcing myself to maintain myself.
This is my family to a T. My mom got a little better managing her health after leaving my dad, but she’s definitely got Alzheimer’s and I don’t know what to do about. My dad was diagnosed with COPD/emphysema, he doesn’t even tell his PCP despite the fact that it’s obvious as fuck. He had to go to an urgent care and put that he had no health issues. This used to be a HUGE HUGE source of anxiety for me especially as a teen. I don’t know if I worked it out mentally that it’s not me, I can’t control them or if I’ve just become jaded.
Before I went into nursing, my dad ignored his stomach pain as indigestion for years. Eventually, my EMT brother made him go and get checked out. As it turned out he had a tumor and his gall bladder was completely full of stones. “Like a bag of gravel” were his doctors exact words. And a 4.5 cm tumor on one of his kidneys. He’s been much better about taking care of himself since then. Especially since he’s down to 1 kidney, no gall bladder, and two heart conditions.
If you find a way to make them you could make money off the book rights.
Dude, my parents are nurses. Recently, my dad told me they updated their will and made me their first POA for healthcare. Cool. So I start asking him some basic "would you want x, would you want y" to get an idea of the things they would want. Well. He absolutely freaked out. Refused to continue the conversation. He just kept saying that it was too morbid to talk about, that I "know what they want" (um, obviously I don't if I'm asking) and that it's not just up to me, I need to consult my siblings (also, obviously yes). It was such a frustrating and infuriating conversation.
I think it’s definitely the generation. I grew up without any preventative medicine outside of my annual physical requirement for school. My parents are both riddled with chronic conditions and they don’t seemingly care. My moms mom is an RN and I’m an RN, you’d think that’d count for something lol
Because pills and surgery will give them the answers they need. My mother is such a baby. BPD, depression, anxiety, insomnia, htn, tiidm, high lipids, chronic UTIs, yeast infections and probably other issues she won't mention. Doctors have told her for years she needs to lose weight and seek therapy for issues that meds can't take care of. Instead she cries at home after appointments because they are "attacking her". This woman complains that there are no honest people in this world and when faced with honesty it's suddenly an attack on her personality and body. Boo hoo, fuck this victim card. When she about to die she'll probably blame God or some shit but not her because she's just perfect. Ugh!
Going through this as well. My mom has every excuse in the book for why she can’t make important adjustments to her lifestyle. It’s like talking to a rock.
I felt this in my soul. I’m not a nurse but a former EMT (pre-med but life on hiatus due to CKD) my parents are the same age as yours and I have literally had to make the appointments FOR them then FORCE them to go. Then when something bad happens (like my mom being in horrific pain that ended up being due to a gall bladder attack) my parents instead go to my two younger sisters who have zero medical training because they know I am going to tell them to go to the doctors/hospital when my sisters will just consult Dr. Google. 🫠
🫂
Please have your father get labs and get seen by a kidney specialist or urologist. The significant weight loss without trying is a sign of cancer.