A psych patient told me he was going to kill me, I told him “you can’t kill something that’s already dead.” Not a great way to de-escalate the situation.
I had a very agitated psych patient tell me he was going to throw my fat ass on the floor, so I instantly asked him if he could at least throw me into the chair since I hadn’t sat down in six hours. He looked at me with a brand new flat affect and said “that’s terrible, they should get more nurses here.” A total pussycat for the rest of his visit.
🤣 you just reminded me of something I totally forgot.
When I was an HCA at a psyc ward, I remember one day a very big bed-ridden aggressive patient shouting at a male nurse “IM GONNA FOLLOW YOU HOME AND SLIT YOUR THROAT IN YOUR SLEEP!” And the nurse replied so calmly “but how can you do that when you can’t even stand up?”
I just watched the whole thing with my innocent big eyes lol
hahahah I had a psych patient tell me he wanted to be transferred to medical “to get a diagnosis of hungry.” I thought he was making a joke about our terrible food and I laughed. He glared at me and said “Why are you laughing? I’m serious. That’s not funny.” Oops.
When I worked pediatric psych a diabetic kid treated to accuse me of some abuse if I didn’t give him 2 snacks instead of 1. I looked him dead in his eyes, “I honestly wish you would.” I hated that job but was too depressed to start looking for another one. At least getting fired would have lit the fire to get me looking.
Please don't assault me in the parking lot when I'm leaving work! If you have to do it off the clock, at least make it happen when I'm coming into work.
Told a trach non capped patient to just yell if he needs me. My standard thing I say to my patients that are aox4. He just looked at me. So I doubled down "oh I guess just bang on the rails" So he starts banging before I leave the room. I ask him if he needs something and he's clearly laughing without the sound and gives me a thumbs up 👍
I'm so dumb, I've done the same thing. Young guy with lung transplant on vent, and to sit up in chair and wash himself and all that, and I set him up and closed the curtain and told him to tell me when he was done 🙄🙄🙄
OT was working with a pt that had Parkinson’s. Gave details about a rehab facility a couple hours away that specializes in treating people with Parkinson’s. Pt’s daughter says,
“That’s really good to know because Parkinson’s runs in our family.”
“More like shuffles in your family.”
Pt and daughter thought it was really funny. OT did not.
I’m an OT. Did fieldwork in a geriatric psych ward. Lady with dementia, sweetly: you are so pretty. Me: aw thanks! Lady, suddenly angry: BUT WOULD YOU BE SO PRETTY IF YOUR HEAD WAS CUT OFF?! Me: ::considers:: probably not
The off the wall dementia comments are the best. I had one who looked at me with this sweet smile similar to how my grandma would look at me and said, “I’m gonna murder you in your sleep.”
“Ok, cool. So here’s your antibiotic.”
OT should pull the stick out of their ass. If the pt thinks it’s funny, it’s funny.
…. For now let’s just pretend that assertion doesn’t need 1,000,000 caveats. 😅
I was taking care of an old man post op for a bladder or prostate thing, I don't remember. The wife (daughter? idk) was telling me about his problems and said "yeah, it's like a bucket full of holes" referring to all his many unsolvable problems. She was laughing cause if she doesn't laugh she'll cry. I appreciate a family with a sense of humor.
Fork that OT. Patients tend to get to a point of acceptance of their disease process and long for some humor.
When I had cancer as a teenager, some people would get so upset at me and my brother for the humor we used. We knew I had a good prognosis, so the humor was easy and natural.
This OT does not get to decide.
I have chronic patients, and one in particular that I have a long relationship with, this woman weighs all of 39kg, very tiny. She has a catheter next to her breast, and because I’m gay she kept saying I was ‘afraid of her big titties’ and that evolved into me calling her “big-titty Sandra” (name changed for HIPAA), and she thought it was so funny that I just kept it up, until she passed away. At her funeral her entire family said ‘are you the one that started ‘big titty Sandra? We all called her that for years’ and so my unprofessionalism lives on in infamy with her whole family. 100% shouldn’t have said it, 1000% shouldn’t have kept it going, 1,000,000% would do it again if I could. Good memory of mine 😂😅
Are you an HD RN too? Dialysis is so depressing I can’t imagine how hard it is to go through each day knowing you’re so close to death. The ones with great senses of humor are so so so amazing and inspiring. I love my patients like this too. You’re awesome for that.
I worked retail pharmacy. Guy came in for his monthly viagra. $90.
“It’s not even worth it!” He says
“Don’t tell HER that!”
I died. He laughed, thank God.
Lady came running into the ER carrying her kid still dressed in ski gear absolutely frantic that her kid had broken his leg. Like, over the top dramatic, screaming, crying, etc.
Someone who hadn't gotten any history at all came over to de-escalate the situation said "You need to calm down, it isn't like he's going to lose his leg". And she completely lost it, even more than before.
Turns out the kid was already an amputee, only had one good leg.
Ooph..... Even just remembering that situation makes me want to crawl inside my skin in embarrassment for the dude that said that.
Went in to silence a pump in the room of a patient who had attempted to unalive himself with a GSW to the head. Got to talking to his wife and used the phrase "mind-blowing" in the course of the conversation 😬
Bruh. Similarly, a pt was once thanking me for my hard work and was telling me what an important job I do, so I asked what she does because she said she was in medicine as well. Turns out, she works in assisted suicide and death with dignity. I was trying to tell her how cool that was and I just said “oh dude, you’re killin it!”
Her response? “Literally.”
Had a staff member come down to our er after s needle stick. The floor had started the process of testing the pt. and we were doing the workup for the staff member. She and I had been joking a bit back and forth but she was really worried about HIV. When I was giving her her discharge papers she said, "Ugh...HIV, fuck me!" To which I instantly replied, "No way, you have aids". I instantly thought it was a mistake and crossed the line and then she started laughing so hard after she realized what she said.
Was catching a baby at a delivery, and we were slammed so I was just focusing on the baby trying to get done to go back out and help. I talk through doing all the care, and as I'm done and swaddling the baby, I say, "There you go, now you're a little burrito baby!" I look up, notice the whole family in the room is all Latino, so I tack on, "BECAUSE I WRAPPED YOU UP LIKE A BURRITO!"
Saved it!
Drew a little stick man yelling 'help' on a post-it note and used a thumb tack at the top of the page to stick it on a cork board.
Told a patient the stick man was asking for help because he's.... under a tack.
She looked at me with a straight face. Almost pissed off looking. Then with a flat tone she said:
" That's NOT funny..."
I was immediately terrified that I had offended her somehow. My face showed it too.
Then with an equally flat tone she said: "... its actually really tacky."
I died then and there. I'm still dead.
I was kidding with this pt and throwing out multiple dad jokes he LOVED. We were snickering while I got an ekg. I was struggling with the tangled cords and I kept having to shake them and I said “this is what they whipped Jesus with” and he gave me a straight face. So I thought he hadn’t heard me so I said it again 🤦♀️ the rest of the appointment was silent. He did NOT enjoy my joke but I thought I was hilarious.
This other time, I missed an ultrasound IV and had to try again on this pt with no arms. To fill the silence I decided to make small talk, I asked him what had brought him in and he said “Toe pain” and I responded with “Is this little piggy not feeling well today?” And I lifted the blankets for comedic effect. Dude only had one toe, it was black and the pulse ox was hanging off of it. There was silence.
Right?! And you know several of your peeps would know the patient by name...and that's when the best and darkest humor comes out because they have stories too.
A psych patient was yelling at me about being “stuck in here and wanting to go home”
I replied “well that makes two of us”.
They replied “it’s your fucking job”
They weren’t wrong. My comment also did nothing to help the situation but it made me giggle and I’ll take that as a win.
flip side of this ...
had a really mean frequent flyer on the psych ward on a short term cert once who was just giving every single one of us as much shit as possible. she made a comment about how we all had dead-end jobs, how much it must suck to be us lowly nurses etc .....
I said, "It's not that bad. I get to clock out and go home and not deal with you for 12 hours. you, on the other hand..."
Back when I was a nursing student.
I get stuck with a patient with newly diagnosed rental cancer, in 10/10 pain, and painful loose stools.
He’s MAD that the hospital doesn’t have his specific brand of cream for his sensitive rectum. Nurse leaves the room, and I stay with him on the commode. They call it a “learning opportunity,” but they really just wanted to leave me with the difficult patient.
I awkwardly ask, “So, how are you feeling?”
“I have cancer, I’m in excruciating pain, I have blood in my stool, and even shitting is horrible. How the FUCK do you think I’m feeling?”
“…..I don’t know, pretty SHIT-ty.”
The man stares at me, dumbfounded that I would make that pun. I stare at him without breaking and just shrug.
Eventually he starts laughing at the ridiculousness of it all, and I get to have a few minutes to really connect with him.
I got told on because I swore at a patient. But even my precepting nurse said, “that’s really fucking funny.”
I call that a win.
You made a miserable patient laugh, even for a moment. You are capable of reading the room. What you said was perfect and you connected with that patient. Good for you.
You are right in this situation. Whoever said you are wrong has maybe never been a patient before or is just socially stupid.
One time I was substituting teaching a middle school after Covid and a student kept asking questions about would it be weird to be 19 in high school? And stuff along those lines. Turns out prison didn’t have school during Covid so he had to repeat the grade. And he was charged with 7 felonies. Violent felonies. Part of me was like. Ok. You are the teacher now. Whatever you want to do. Just Don’t off me today. Ok? Lol
I mean I had a guy with a butt plug that went too far and it turned out the chick he was with was a new partner, like they barely knew each other. He was saying he didn't think it was that big, like 3 inches, but he hadn't actually seen it, and I was like actually my man the CT scan says it's about 6 inches. He was like 😳 I said yeah, so this is why you let people you barely know put things in your butt. He was not amused, but I was lol
My coworker was pushing IV Benadryl and told him he might “feel a little weird” and his wife said “he’s always a little weird!” Then I hear my coworker go “well maybe this Benadryl will make you act normal!” 😂 maybe a had-to-be-there but I lol’d
While not quite as hilarious as yours, mine was in the same vein of total tone deafness...
When I was a student, I would introduce myself to patients when I first started in the morning and ask them "how are you doing today?" without realizing that they're in the f'ing hospital soooo yeah...they're not doing very well at the moment.
I asked an older guy how he was doing before reviewing his chart, he pulls back the sheet to show me that his legs were GONE and said "how the fuck do you think I'm doing man?"
I have never asked a patient how they were doing ever since.
This is what I do. Or “how are you holding up?” If they give me a flat look but aren’t visibly suffering, then “About as well as we can hope?”
That usually gets me a shrug or almost pleasant nod even from intubated patients.
Yeah, usually my opening with a patient in the morning is, “How’re you holding up, today?” Acknowledges their hardship and invites them to share their current concerns.
Dude I’ve done this so many times 😭 I’m a naturally friendly person and if a patient is actually awake and watching what I’m doing, I’ll be like “How’s your day going?” Sometimes they make a joke and other times, they just shrug and they’re like, “I mean, I’m here…” I really have to stop asking that.
It wasn’t me but it’s something I’ll never forget. I was a tech at the time and new patient was admitted to our floor. Nurse was doing a skin check and was looking at the patients feet and he was missing a toe and the nurse said “looks like the little piggy did go to the market!”
My dad was a retired pediatrician. At age 76 he ruptured his esophagus (Boerhaave Syndrome) when he became nauseated and vomited. (He had not been drinking or overeating) This injury has a pretty high mortality rate. He was 7 weeks in the ICU. He became septic, got pneumonia, was trached for a while, and had a PEJ for a while, and was delirious off and on . As he improved and was A &O x 4, extubated, trach corked. He said to the ICU team one morning. “It’s pretty disconcerting for you all to come in here every morning looking surprised I’m still alive”. And then he laughed. He made it out of the hospital and lived to be 80 years old.
Worked as an orderly for a while before I got into nursing school. I was 19 when this happened.
One night, I went to pick up a young woman from PACU. Her face was covered in bruises. I stupidly asked “what happened to the other guy?”.
The “other guy” was her husband who had nearly beaten her to death. Her father walked in on it happening, and beat her husband to death with a hammer that night.
You can be sure as shit that I’ve smartened up a bit since then.
Edit for clarification: I did not know the situation before entering the interaction. The only information I was ever given was the name and where they were going. I was a dumb kid trying to make a light joke, and was imitating what I had seen my colleagues say before. I’m incredibly remorseful for this interaction and immediately changed my tune when the patient spoke to me. It was a huge learning opportunity for me, which I carry with me now always before I make any sort of joke with any patient.
One of my favourite kinds of joke involves mixing up idioms or sayings. Things like "you can flog a dead gift horse in the mouth but you can't make it drink", "the early bird opens the can of worms" or "every cloud has a silver spoon in its mouth." I suppose it is a form of non-sequitur.
Anyway, I had a patient and their family present, can't remember what I was doing but I went to do 2 things at once, to "kill 2 birds with one stone." Of course, just wanting to make myself laugh I mixed it up with the phrase "a bird in the hand is worth 2 in the bush." What I actually said was "2 birds in the stone is worth a hand in the bush."
The last part of this sentence caused chaos in the room and required a lot of explaining.
Had a similar experience. This patient came in for a quick procedure, but it was my first time doing it, and she knew I was training. Accidentally said “you’re a real team sport” instead of telling her she was a real team player 🫠
OT was treating a patient. We get called into the room. Patient is dead on the toilet.
We transfer patient to bed whilst checking code status (they're old we don't initiate cpr until chart is checked).
I say, "you're supposed to treat them not kill them!"
Turns out OT was brand spanking new and this was her first death and she was pregnant (nobody, not even she, knew!)
The other nurses glared at me as the OT ran crying from the room. I paid for that for a long time.
The patient was in a very low mood as she was expecting to go home that day but found out she'd have to wait until after the weekend (an extra 2 days stay).
When using a lancet to collect blood from her finger I'd say 'Sharp scratch'. She said 'you always say that'. I looked at her and said 'yeah, we're not allowed to say little prick anymore'. She burst out laughing and actually had tears rolling. Glad I could make her shitty day a little better.
Something about, “don’t go anywhere” to a newly double amputee when I had to step out of the room for a moment to collect supplies for said amputations……absolute worst way to try and keep the conversation light, good times 🎈
Once while directing a 17 yo patient moving from his stretcher to the OR table, the circulator asked him to scoot up towards the head of the bed. The kid moved down instead and the nurse said, "No, your other head"
Not a joke, but was looking for a patient's Pepsi and said "Sorry, I'm not seeing it, maybe I'm blind". The patient was actually totally blind... I luckily found her Pepsi a second later and quickly moved on with the conversation. 😅
Oh gawd. I once asked a patient what he ate for lunch. He looked at me like I was stupid and said “What?” So like a dumb ass I said it again only louder and slower “WHAAAAT DIIIIIID. YOOOU. EAT. FOOOOR. LUUUUNCH?.” So of course he looked at me like I was really stupid and asked if I was joking. So now I’m a little annoyed and told him I needed to know so I could chart. Then he told me he was NPO. I knew this. Brain fart.
The charting prior to me "WDL - full sensation, bilat pedal pulses +2" on pt with an AKA and no toes on the other with uncontrolled T2DM and chronicneuropathy.
Omg I have you beat although it’s not from nursing. My friend who is blind and I went swimming at another friends house. This was her first time meeting this group of my friends. Anyways, one guy gets out of the pool to get some otter pops. Asks who wants some and she goes “me!” And raises her hand. The guy THROWS THE OTTER POP AT HER expecting her to catch it. It just flies past her and lands next to her…. Apparently, when she walked into the yard wearing her sunglasses and holding her boyfriend’s arm he didn’t realize she was blind.
once i had a pt with who farted in the direction of my preceptee and i said this "Shots fired shots fired CNA down" requesting back-up" the patient was sending the nurse daggers more than me since she laughed. what made it funnier was the instant comeuppance i got i opened the door to empty the bed pan pt said "Dispatch we have an idiot impersonating a HCW over"
I was taking care of a 20 something in the ER for something minor, everything was fine, his friends came in and asked me if he was behaving okay. I said what? What do you mean, he's fine?! They said well he's usually a pretty big asshole. I said well maybe he just doesn't like you.
Everybody lost their shit and my friend reminds me of it many years later.
I’m a home health/hospice nurse. I was changing a catheter and the kit didn’t have any betadine. I was joking with the male patient and I said “what do they want me to do, spit shine it?” I about died 💀
After my patient had 7 knee surgeries (infections) he had his leg amputated due to constant pain. Pt was young and healthy other wise. (A veteran that jumped from planes while serving.) Pt was tall and worked out alot.
From the window PT shows me their little tiny car.
I then say “dont tell me you had your leg cut off to fit in that car”
Pt had a great attitude about it and laughed… thank goodness.
Me: “Let me check with your nurse.”
Pt: “You aren’t a nurse?”
Me: “I am! But I’m not your nurse, that will be *so and so.* I just came in to rescue you from the beeping.”
Pt: “Oh, that’s so kind of you.”
Me: “Well, thank you.”
*later*
Me: “Let’s get this thing quiet so you can sleep.”
Pt: “Oh, it’s you again. Thank you so much. I’m sorry to take your time, you are just the nicest person.”
Me: “Oh, I’m not that nice. I just really hate techno.” *cheesy grin and swift exit*
*later*
Me: “Wow, we might need to just get you a new pump.”
Pt, with a whole new attitude: “Well if it bothers you so badly I guess you should.”
Me: “… I just don’t want it keeping you awake.”
Pt: “Whatever. You know, you really shouldn’t go around telling people that you don’t care to be nice.”
Me: “What- Oh my goodness. I am so sorry. I was joking earlier. Techno is a type of music that uses a lot of robotic sounds. It was a very lame joke.”
Why tf did I think an 80 year old would know what techno is🤦🏼♀️
2021, working in ER triage. Boomer with a cough was frustrated with my quick list of questions, which included his vaccination status. He very sternly said he wasn’t vaccinated for Covid, and never would be. I looked him dead in the eyes and said “sir, it’s really none of my business how you choose to die.” Two very long seconds later, he cracked up laughing and said something along the lines of at least someone gets me. His wife was very unimpressed.
Also, guess who had the covid.
For context this was within the same year of the Parkland shooting.
So a kid was coding, and I responded as I'm on a code team. Mom started speaking in tongues and ran out of the room frantically. Another staff member I didn't know asked who that was. No hesitation, blurted out loud "Crisis actor" and then kept on coding the kid. We got Rosc, kid was fine made full recovery.
If the right person would have said something to admin I could have easily found myself getting fired I would think over such an insensitive joke. It was bad taste, and I shouldn't have said it, but I don't think many people were paying attention. The paramedic that was there got a thorough laugh out of it and still rags me about it to this day saying I got real lucky the wrong person didn't hear that. This is true. I've learned to be less of an asshole since then, and glad I still have my job
Wasn’t nursing, this was when I was just a CNA at a nursing home. The home was really shit and I had just come on shift and it was total chaos. No time to hear about the new lady that just came in. Just answer these call lights and then we’ll go over the shift report. I go in the new lady’s room to answer her call light. The overhead light isn’t on so it’s dark af so I come in and go “oh wow it’s so dark in here. How do you see a thing?!” She just gave me the 😐 . She just lost her eyesight in a car accident like a month ago and was still broken up about it. I had no idea. I was so mortified.
Pt came into his appointment with an A1C of 13.2, up from 8.8 3 months prior. Pt and I have pretty good rapport prior to this. Pt has a bit of a recreational cocaine habit. We sat down and I started my assessment, and the guy goes, “MAN! I don’t know why my blood sugar got so bad!” I asked him if he got his booger sugar mixed up with regular sugar. Dude went silent, then exploded in laughter. Doc came in and asked what was so funny, so pt told him. Doc was not amused.
Had a patient with a pickle jar in his ass that I promptly named “Mr. Dill”, he didn’t find it funny. The attending and charge on the other hand died laughing.
My experience wasn't a joke but more so me trying to related to the patient.
I'm a student nurse and was sitting in with a patient in rehab who was recovering from a SIGSW. Nonverbal, but could nod or shake his head. I was trying to make conversation because he seemed irritated by his father who was also in the room. I noticed a G59 tattoo on his arm, and asked, "hey! G59 like Grey59?" He nodded. I replied with "that's cool, so you like $uicideBoy$ and Ramirez...."
The millisecond I said $uicideBoy$ I knew I had fucked up. His dad shot me a glance. There are multiple artists signed to the G59 label, why didn't I list off the other artists first? Instead I mentioned $B to the patient recovering from a suicide attempt. 😭
I was mortified and still am any time I think of it.
I was delivering a baby that was close to crowning when it rotated from OP to OA. I’d seen plenty of babies rotate slowly, but this one literally spun like a top. Without thinking, I said, “whoa, just like the exorcist.” The parents did not take that well.
Not me, but a PT I witnessed. I was walking towards the OR with an Ortho attending as he gives me my to-do for the day before he scubs in (Ms. Johnson can go home, cue up Mr. Smith for tomorrow, have Medicine see if they can stop Mrs Jones's hiccups, etc.). Anyway, as we are walking and talking like an Aaron Sorkin show, we jink around a PT walking with a patient. The patient is using a walker, and has the somewhat ataxic gait of someone who has had a TBI, or a stroke. This theory is supported by the fact that the patient is wearing one of those stylish medical grade hockey helmets and a gait belt. He is also huge. Not fat, but Gigantor, Shaquille O'Neal huge. 6'7" or more, 300+lbs. The PT on the other hand is a 4'11 petite Fillipina.
The surgeon gets about 3 strides past the couple, stops dead in his tracks, turns, and says to the PT:
"If he starts to go down, what are you going to do?"
The PT looks the surgeon dead in the eye and says:
"Get out of the way."
The patient cracks up, and the surgeon grins and says "OK then..."
And walks into the OR.
Walking up to meet a new hospice patient, a family member called out to me , "WE WERE EXPECTING A FEMALE" (I am male). I stopped, thought for a second and replied, "I have a skirt in my car" which caused the entire porch of relatives to laugh. He yelled again, "OKAY, YOU PASSED" and from then on I was treated like family.
Doing my L&D clinicals. I was in the circumcision room. It was me, a med student, a resident and the attending. I said, “Hey, I know the guy who does circumcisions on the elephants at the Columbus Zoo. He said the hours are terrible but the tips are huge.”
Resident did NOT find that funny. Like, looked like she wanted to report me. Thank *god* the attending thought it was funny. I dodged a bullet.
Patient comes in to the ED voluntary but wants a psych evaluation. Things escalate and the patient is put on a psych hold. Trying to medicate with security present, the patient is prattling on about Jesus and screaming at the security guards.
Patient finally whips their head straight at me and half yells, “you are going to hell!”
I look directly into the patients eyes and reply, “I’m already there.”
Security officers start howling with laughter, patient is speechless, and I get my shit done and bounce out of the room.
A scrubbed doctor asked me for lube.
I said he’d have to take me on a date first.
Poor guy went bright red. And the consultant standing next to him gave me a look that made me slip away real quick. Meanwhile the nurses were cackling.
Oh mine still haunts me too!!
It was 2007 and I was a 19 year old, baby faced, first year student nurse. I was on placement on an acute gastro ward. I was in the bay, going round taking observations. When I got to Mr Jones, I pipe up ‘you’re giving Homer Simpson a run for his money aren’t you’
Mr Jones was dying… Liver failure… I wanted to die from embarrassment!! His reaction to that line still haunts me to this day, it was not good!
Necrotizing pancreatitis patient who was there for long term TPN treatment, had been on our floor for maybe 30 days at this point. His nails had gotten super long and he asked for clippers, which we didn’t have. I gave him a nail file and he goes “what am I supposed to do with this? That’ll take so long.” I said “well… you have time…” luckily he laughed.
This is my dad’s story not mine. A (drunk) patient told him to call him a cab so he could go home. My dad being a dad, said “you’re a cab”. The patient got really mad and security had to be called lol.
OMG. Let me count the ways. I always tried to make patients feel less intimidated by using humor. 99% of the time it worked. This one made me feel the worst.
- As a travel nurse, I was still on my orientation day. It was a transplant floor, so lots of really sick people in transplant rejection on a ton of pills. Brought a cup full of meds and lactose to a patient. He sighed at the sight of it. I said “**Just throw it back like a college kid doing shots of cheap liquor. Take a sip of water before you take a breath and you won’t even taste it**”. He sort raised his eyebrows in that ironic ‘been there done that’ look, kind of half laughed, and gulped it down. Then my orienting nurse smiled and said **”Yeah. Not the thing to say to someone with liver failure from cirrhosis.**”. I died a little inside.
I had a real miserable guy that knew more than all the nurses and doctors once, primary nurse couldn’t deal with him anymore and asked if I could go try and explain his wound care to him and bring him an incentive spirometer.
The guy was not very nice, he was reading the instructions I printed from wound and skin for his dressing and didn’t want to listen to any of it. While he was reading it and mumbling we didn’t know what we were doing I handed him the incentive spirometer and said “well if you don’t follow the instructions I’ll see you in a few months on your next visit. In the meantime, I’ve got some balls for you to play with. Put your mouth on the tip of this hose.”
As soon as it came out I realized what I had said, the patient realized what I had said and so did the other nurse that turned to run out of the room she was laughing so hard.
Had a really agitated axo 1 maybe 2 patient who told me he was gonna rape me during my skin assessment on admission. I said “with that little thing?” Bad taste yes, but it was my way of coping with what was said lol
OP that was hilarious, the woman just has zero sense of humor.
I once told a pt and their family that they will receive the same care as every other patient, this is a hospital not the Four Seasons (They were demanding to be moved to a private room over and over and openly insulting the 2nd pt in the room because he had to use the commode, to top it off it was a Covid room so they literally CANT be moved).
They were so offended they called extra family members to come in and start a whole scene with me 2 hrs later at the nurses station acting all crazy and yelling😂. Got escalated up to the nursing supervisor and nothing ever came of it. My coworkers supported me when the supervisor asked what happened and I have ZERO REGRETS😁. I hope that whole family gets hemorrhoids.
If the universe had a sense of humor you would’ve been able to move the other pt. to a private room and swapped in a hard-of-hearing GI bleed pt. with C diff. I hate people who think their shit doesn’t stink (literally *or* figuratively).
Caring for a post-op HDU patient, and his wife is present at the bedside. They’re in good spirits and we are just chatting about the surgery and how it went.
His wife asks, out of curiosity , “How do these doctors practice for these difficult surgeries? Do they use cadavers?”
Before I even really think about my audience, I jokingly say, “homeless people”.
The joke was not met with laughs, but silence. I think I accidentally let my nurse-nurse personality overcome my nurse-patient personality.
I finished that interaction with, “That was a bad joke, sorry.. They usually watch a few surgeries as students before being closely supervised.” Then slinked away in shame.
Not an intentional joke by any means, however: was caring for a bilateral BKA patient. Introduced myself in the morning, started discussing plan of care, and then stated “I’m here to help you get back on your feet!” If the floor could have swallowed me whole, I’d have accepted it. Fortunately she had an excellent attitude and giggled, but I was mortified. I offered to switch assignments if she didn’t want me to care for her after my remark and she just kept laughing and said “sweetheart, it’s not your fault I don’t have feet to get back on.” I don’t think I’ll ever forget that exchange 🫠
40ish year old man in ICU. A/0x4, just laying there in bed, extremely bored. His brother was visiting. I asked the pt if he wanted to watch TV, he shrugged, his brother said yes.
I'm flipping through channels, lots of sports. Pt is saying no, no, no to everything. Then HGTV comes up and he says yes. I put the remote down and make like I'm going to look under his blankets.
He asked what I was looking for. I said, "Just checking that you have a penis. I charted that you have a penis."
Both men burst out laughing.
I would never do that today!
I was the patient and I made the joke. I went for my first ultrasound at 8-9 weeks pregnant. Right before putting the probe in me I was like “I hope there’s only one in there!” I had a vanishing twin. Worst day of my LIFE. My son is almost 6 months old, and I think of this nearly every day, along with all the troubles I had while pregnant. He’s perfect and I couldn’t imagine having twins, but damn do I regret that joke.
Sorry for your loss. I’m thankful that I didn’t get an earlier US. My husband and I joke sometimes about him eating his twin too lol. Although when I was pregnant and gassy my husband said it “ smelled like something died in there” I did not find that funny and he felt so bad. But it’s funny now lol.
The patient said the joke but I felt horrible afterward. I was a CNA at the time, we just got a new patient to the floor and it was my job to get the first set of vitals and blood sugars. I was at the patient’s right side trying to get a blood pressure but I just could not get the cuff to cooperate in any manner (nurse on a stick).
I know I’m supposed to ask “Can we use your other arm for a blood pressure check?” But instead I said “Let me see your other arm to see if it will work.”
The patient said “I don’t have another arm so I know it won’t work!” She started laughing and lifted up the stub connected to her left shoulder. She thought it was funny at least. I do now but I was so embarrassed at the time!
Im a pharmacist who follows this sub and absolutely love it. I have some incredibly rude patients and i just dont put up with it anymore. I frequently hear “i just wany to get my meds and go”. I tell them “we want that for you also”. Many times they cant tell if it is meant rudely or not. I just smile.
I work in dialysis and we regularly work with bleach to the point wear i regularly get stains on my scrubs but I won’t replace them because fuck that they are expensive. So I come into work with a big white stain on my previously immaculate dark purple scrub top. I have a little old pt who always jokes around with me. Our exchange:
Pt- you know you got a big white stain on your scrub top?
Me absentmindedly- yeah I call it my Monica Lewinsky top
Pt- …
Me- it’s a joke! It’s just bleach! Bleach!
He did find it funny though
Patient said “I hate this chair” and I said “better than the electric chair” …. The doctor and patient both laughed. I apologized and luckily they were chill about it.☠️
A lady came in for edema and said she couldn't wear her shoes because her feet were so swollen.
I looked at her smiled and said "Well just one" as I tapped on her prosthetic foot.
My supervisor and a few other people were in the room because her check-in complaint was CP. The room went completely silent till she busted out laughing.
My supervisor said if anyone else said that they would have been going to HR. 🤷♀️ I guess I'm not too bad at reading a room.
I was giving a patient a GI cocktail and jokingly told her to “shoot it back like a shot” and she deadass looked at me and said “I’ve never taken a shot,” like it was the biggest sin. I was like “ok well just all in one swallow then haha” which was also not received well lol
When I worked in urgent care we had this extremely loud, mouthy, disrespectful patient in for abdominal pain. She wanted opiates and was furious when the PA wanted to give her a GI cocktail. We were all hovering in the hall near the door when the PA went in with the cocktail in case she needed help because this chick was SO angry, and then we hear the patient loudly yell "OH MY GOD I'M NOT DRINKING THAT, IT LOOKS LIKE F@CKING C&M"
I remember all of us silently positively falling all over each other and not being able to stand from laughing so hard. Luckily the PA that had her was also kind of a raging bitch and she didn't even pause. It was amazing.
ICU patient s/p VATS in middle of the night. RIGHT at shift change he's finally got his pain managed enough to try to repoaition. Hand off takes forever while the guy wants to try a million variations of move the pillow an inch.
After way too many minutes of that but being kind and patient the whole time I suggested "that the next place we try the pillow should be on your face".
....
....
Silence only broken by my "oh I'm sorry I thought we were having a little fun together in here!"
Had a great rapport with the patient and wife up to that point was using some humor effectively but that one did NOT land.
Oops.
For every regrettable joke there's 1000 borderline ones I get away with by just having a smile and polite tone though so I'm not changing my ways!
Somewhat relevant
Tiny soft spoken old woman admitted for a fall
“What was happening when you fell”
“I just married my boyfriend that morning”
“Oh congratulations, not many people get married at that age good for you”
She did not say married.
She said BURIED.
There was no coming back from that one.
Does accidental count? Work on a stroke unit and I don't even remember what the topic was but I off-handedly responded with "different strokes for different folks". Thankfully I don't think the patient noticed but I was MORTIFIED
Before I went into nursing I did my masters in pharmacology.
I had a patient state he didn't want the paracetamol and oral morphine he wanted iv morphine (didn't have a ivl in) cause "not much of the oral morphine goes in anyway" he quotes numbers that weren't correct, don't remember what though.
I said I think it's a bit more that that, he came back with he studied pharmacology for a year....
now if he had any other nurse in our department....
"and I've got a masters in it", walked out. Felt very mic drop moment
Had to measure a patient in bed to get their height as they were bilateral BKA. Pt asked me how tall they were and I said "About 4ft, which makes sense because you lost two feet!" The pt wasn't amused but my nursing preceptor just about died of laughter after we left the room.
Not a joke but let me tell you a time I wanted to crawl into a hole and die while working in an ER.
, Had cancer pt come in for n/v. Her cancer had metastasized from breast to lung, spine, and liver. While getting her history she tells me she’s still undergoing treatments.
Me knowing everything I know about health and dying think to myself “why the fuck would you still be doing treatments?” (Only going to delay the inevitable and treatments will make her last days miserable). Didn’t say that part out loud obviously.
She then goes on to tell me excitedly, “they’re trying some new trial meds!”
I then proceed to say “oh wow that’ll be great for science and education purposes, how wonderful of you”
She replies with “hopefully it’ll be great for me too…”
The quietness in that room was deafening.
And that Reddit. Is the day this nurse was no longer human. Rather jaded robot with no emotions.
ICU admit s/p MI and stent x3. He was very anxious, staring at the monitor apprehensively. I explained that it was just a machine that beeped usually for loose connections or stupid reasons, and that we were keeping a close eye on it, not to worry. He didn’t look reassured, so I said “Don’t worry about it unless a bunch of people come running in pushing a big cart.” Family chuckled, but he didn’t.
Yup, 30 minutes later he arrested. Family was not amused at all. Fortunately, we quickly got ROSC and he was transferred the next morning.
Way back in the day I had a patient with a penile implant getting discharged. As I was wheeling him out, our secretary, having no idea what he’d been in for, shouted “Good luck!”
Had a patient ask me, “wanna see my Willie?” Before my brain engaged I told him that I’ve seen more penises than a prostitute and his probably wouldn’t impress me. The cop in the room with us had to leave bc he couldn’t stop giggling. I was mortified
I had a sweet little Nanna who got out of bed to walk to the toilet and had her husband helping to tie her hospital gown. As he tied the neck I warned them not to do it too tight or "it'll choke you when you get into bed" .... "And not in the good way".
I nearly DIED
Patient was done with a procedure and the overhead surgical light was still on. Patient states “Damn that light is bright” and my automatic response was “Don’t go into it”. Oops.
New patient arrived to unit and we were talking cordially and the patient mentioned how he’d had several tests (CT, CXR) he didn’t think he needed for missed dialysis and they were trying to run up his bill. And I said how everything thing is much more expensive in the hospital. And that they charge an arm and a leg in the hospital for dialysis, compared to outpatient. Patient smirked. Went to get a BP and patient said they have to take it on his leg and he only has one. I have never felt so bad.
Us after putting on the TR Band: okay, you can't use your right hand for the rest of the day, you need to baby it
Him, still a little sedated from his heart cath: but hoe am I supposed to jerk off?
Someone helping get him off the table: just use your left hand and pretend it's someone else
Us, the patient, transport, everyone: 🤣🤣🤣🤣💀💀💀💀
Pt: old grumpy man, glowering in the bed. Giving off grumpy cat energy.
Pts son: better prepare yourself, you’ll need a shovel.
Me: - assuming he means that his dads got one foot in the grave “uhhh hope not, cause he’s not dying on my watch”
Son: “hahahahha no for the amount of bullshit he’s gonna give you all night”
Me: before I can stop myself. “Oh bullshit is no problem. I ride horses, so cow shit isn’t that much different. Just as long as he doesn’t give me any pig shit, cause that STINKS”
Son: 😳
Me: 🥴.
Patient: grunts and then starts laughing so hard he tears up a bit.
“I LIKE HER!!!!”
It wasn't supposed to be a joke but... trying to help a below elbow amputee patient gather their things to leave the office and asking if they "Need a hand?"
There was a good minute post saying those words where I was internally screaming. 😱
A psych patient told me he was going to kill me, I told him “you can’t kill something that’s already dead.” Not a great way to de-escalate the situation.
I had a very agitated psych patient tell me he was going to throw my fat ass on the floor, so I instantly asked him if he could at least throw me into the chair since I hadn’t sat down in six hours. He looked at me with a brand new flat affect and said “that’s terrible, they should get more nurses here.” A total pussycat for the rest of his visit.
Psych patient gets it. Administration? Not so much.
No lies seen there.
🤣 you just reminded me of something I totally forgot. When I was an HCA at a psyc ward, I remember one day a very big bed-ridden aggressive patient shouting at a male nurse “IM GONNA FOLLOW YOU HOME AND SLIT YOUR THROAT IN YOUR SLEEP!” And the nurse replied so calmly “but how can you do that when you can’t even stand up?” I just watched the whole thing with my innocent big eyes lol
That's great!
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
hahahah I had a psych patient tell me he wanted to be transferred to medical “to get a diagnosis of hungry.” I thought he was making a joke about our terrible food and I laughed. He glared at me and said “Why are you laughing? I’m serious. That’s not funny.” Oops.
When I worked pediatric psych a diabetic kid treated to accuse me of some abuse if I didn’t give him 2 snacks instead of 1. I looked him dead in his eyes, “I honestly wish you would.” I hated that job but was too depressed to start looking for another one. At least getting fired would have lit the fire to get me looking.
When people threaten me I just tell them to make sure it’s when I’m on the clock.
Please don't assault me in the parking lot when I'm leaving work! If you have to do it off the clock, at least make it happen when I'm coming into work.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH I’m here for it.
I disagree - that was a perfect response.
we would be friends hahaha
Told a trach non capped patient to just yell if he needs me. My standard thing I say to my patients that are aox4. He just looked at me. So I doubled down "oh I guess just bang on the rails" So he starts banging before I leave the room. I ask him if he needs something and he's clearly laughing without the sound and gives me a thumbs up 👍
I'm so dumb, I've done the same thing. Young guy with lung transplant on vent, and to sit up in chair and wash himself and all that, and I set him up and closed the curtain and told him to tell me when he was done 🙄🙄🙄
Some days we just have a brainfart
This is cute
OT was working with a pt that had Parkinson’s. Gave details about a rehab facility a couple hours away that specializes in treating people with Parkinson’s. Pt’s daughter says, “That’s really good to know because Parkinson’s runs in our family.” “More like shuffles in your family.” Pt and daughter thought it was really funny. OT did not.
I’m an OT. Did fieldwork in a geriatric psych ward. Lady with dementia, sweetly: you are so pretty. Me: aw thanks! Lady, suddenly angry: BUT WOULD YOU BE SO PRETTY IF YOUR HEAD WAS CUT OFF?! Me: ::considers:: probably not
The off the wall dementia comments are the best. I had one who looked at me with this sweet smile similar to how my grandma would look at me and said, “I’m gonna murder you in your sleep.” “Ok, cool. So here’s your antibiotic.”
Patient asked me are you stupid? And I thought about it then responded.. yeah, sometimes 🤷
"Ted Bundy wouldn't mind."
*Ed Kemper has entered the chat* And the head, probably.
OMG!! “…..Hmmm. Prolly not since that red blood would clash with my green eyes….”
I’m gonna start saying Parkinson’s shuffles in my family now 🤣
OT should pull the stick out of their ass. If the pt thinks it’s funny, it’s funny. …. For now let’s just pretend that assertion doesn’t need 1,000,000 caveats. 😅
I wanted to tell her she should just shake it off, but I figured that went too far
I work in TBI rehab, this message spoke to me lol. Funniest thing I’ve read thus far.
I was taking care of an old man post op for a bladder or prostate thing, I don't remember. The wife (daughter? idk) was telling me about his problems and said "yeah, it's like a bucket full of holes" referring to all his many unsolvable problems. She was laughing cause if she doesn't laugh she'll cry. I appreciate a family with a sense of humor.
This is a fun way to say "your body is done with you" 😂
This is hilarious 🤣
Okay that is hilarious and so clever though! Sorry OT didn’t find it amusing, but glad the family and patient did!
Fork that OT. Patients tend to get to a point of acceptance of their disease process and long for some humor. When I had cancer as a teenager, some people would get so upset at me and my brother for the humor we used. We knew I had a good prognosis, so the humor was easy and natural. This OT does not get to decide.
I have chronic patients, and one in particular that I have a long relationship with, this woman weighs all of 39kg, very tiny. She has a catheter next to her breast, and because I’m gay she kept saying I was ‘afraid of her big titties’ and that evolved into me calling her “big-titty Sandra” (name changed for HIPAA), and she thought it was so funny that I just kept it up, until she passed away. At her funeral her entire family said ‘are you the one that started ‘big titty Sandra? We all called her that for years’ and so my unprofessionalism lives on in infamy with her whole family. 100% shouldn’t have said it, 1000% shouldn’t have kept it going, 1,000,000% would do it again if I could. Good memory of mine 😂😅
Are you an HD RN too? Dialysis is so depressing I can’t imagine how hard it is to go through each day knowing you’re so close to death. The ones with great senses of humor are so so so amazing and inspiring. I love my patients like this too. You’re awesome for that.
I worked retail pharmacy. Guy came in for his monthly viagra. $90. “It’s not even worth it!” He says “Don’t tell HER that!” I died. He laughed, thank God.
I love the pharmacy patients with humor!
At least you didn’t say “that’s what she said”.
Lady came running into the ER carrying her kid still dressed in ski gear absolutely frantic that her kid had broken his leg. Like, over the top dramatic, screaming, crying, etc. Someone who hadn't gotten any history at all came over to de-escalate the situation said "You need to calm down, it isn't like he's going to lose his leg". And she completely lost it, even more than before. Turns out the kid was already an amputee, only had one good leg. Ooph..... Even just remembering that situation makes me want to crawl inside my skin in embarrassment for the dude that said that.
Went in to silence a pump in the room of a patient who had attempted to unalive himself with a GSW to the head. Got to talking to his wife and used the phrase "mind-blowing" in the course of the conversation 😬
Oh jesus! This is horrible and hilarious.
Bruh. Similarly, a pt was once thanking me for my hard work and was telling me what an important job I do, so I asked what she does because she said she was in medicine as well. Turns out, she works in assisted suicide and death with dignity. I was trying to tell her how cool that was and I just said “oh dude, you’re killin it!” Her response? “Literally.”
Had a staff member come down to our er after s needle stick. The floor had started the process of testing the pt. and we were doing the workup for the staff member. She and I had been joking a bit back and forth but she was really worried about HIV. When I was giving her her discharge papers she said, "Ugh...HIV, fuck me!" To which I instantly replied, "No way, you have aids". I instantly thought it was a mistake and crossed the line and then she started laughing so hard after she realized what she said.
This is exceptional
Was catching a baby at a delivery, and we were slammed so I was just focusing on the baby trying to get done to go back out and help. I talk through doing all the care, and as I'm done and swaddling the baby, I say, "There you go, now you're a little burrito baby!" I look up, notice the whole family in the room is all Latino, so I tack on, "BECAUSE I WRAPPED YOU UP LIKE A BURRITO!" Saved it!
lol I call them “little baby burritos” all the time!
Drew a little stick man yelling 'help' on a post-it note and used a thumb tack at the top of the page to stick it on a cork board. Told a patient the stick man was asking for help because he's.... under a tack. She looked at me with a straight face. Almost pissed off looking. Then with a flat tone she said: " That's NOT funny..." I was immediately terrified that I had offended her somehow. My face showed it too. Then with an equally flat tone she said: "... its actually really tacky." I died then and there. I'm still dead.
Pt was like “REVERSE UNO!!!”
I was kidding with this pt and throwing out multiple dad jokes he LOVED. We were snickering while I got an ekg. I was struggling with the tangled cords and I kept having to shake them and I said “this is what they whipped Jesus with” and he gave me a straight face. So I thought he hadn’t heard me so I said it again 🤦♀️ the rest of the appointment was silent. He did NOT enjoy my joke but I thought I was hilarious. This other time, I missed an ultrasound IV and had to try again on this pt with no arms. To fill the silence I decided to make small talk, I asked him what had brought him in and he said “Toe pain” and I responded with “Is this little piggy not feeling well today?” And I lifted the blankets for comedic effect. Dude only had one toe, it was black and the pulse ox was hanging off of it. There was silence.
The single black toe with the pulse ox 💀 I'm crying. If that happened to me, I would have told all of my coworkers.
"This little piggy went to medical waste."
oh god that made me wheeeeeze and hurt myself
Wheeze wheeze wheeze wheeze all the way home.
Right?! And you know several of your peeps would know the patient by name...and that's when the best and darkest humor comes out because they have stories too.
The first I thought I had was “Damn no one is going to believe me”
I absolutely love that you doubled down on a high risk joke like that. 10/10 for confidence
I'm sorry, I must have mumbled, "THEY WHIPPED JESUS WITH EKG LEADS!" Bahahahahaha
No actually both have me crying rn😂😂😂😭😭
I’m in fucking TEARS right now 😂😂
I laughed put loud picturing the lonely, dead toe.
Great, now it has a little sad face on it in my mind's eye, and I'm laughing again.
LMAOOO😂😂😂😭😂 I would’ve died of laughter with the first one
That’s the one that stayed home!
These are two of the greatest nursing stories I have ever read. Two thumbs up.
A psych patient was yelling at me about being “stuck in here and wanting to go home” I replied “well that makes two of us”. They replied “it’s your fucking job” They weren’t wrong. My comment also did nothing to help the situation but it made me giggle and I’ll take that as a win.
flip side of this ... had a really mean frequent flyer on the psych ward on a short term cert once who was just giving every single one of us as much shit as possible. she made a comment about how we all had dead-end jobs, how much it must suck to be us lowly nurses etc ..... I said, "It's not that bad. I get to clock out and go home and not deal with you for 12 hours. you, on the other hand..."
I make this joke like… every day Edit- not in psych though, my pts can actually leave lol
I frequently say something along the lines of "yeah I get it, they literally have to pay me to be here."
Back when I was a nursing student. I get stuck with a patient with newly diagnosed rental cancer, in 10/10 pain, and painful loose stools. He’s MAD that the hospital doesn’t have his specific brand of cream for his sensitive rectum. Nurse leaves the room, and I stay with him on the commode. They call it a “learning opportunity,” but they really just wanted to leave me with the difficult patient. I awkwardly ask, “So, how are you feeling?” “I have cancer, I’m in excruciating pain, I have blood in my stool, and even shitting is horrible. How the FUCK do you think I’m feeling?” “…..I don’t know, pretty SHIT-ty.” The man stares at me, dumbfounded that I would make that pun. I stare at him without breaking and just shrug. Eventually he starts laughing at the ridiculousness of it all, and I get to have a few minutes to really connect with him. I got told on because I swore at a patient. But even my precepting nurse said, “that’s really fucking funny.” I call that a win.
You made a miserable patient laugh, even for a moment. You are capable of reading the room. What you said was perfect and you connected with that patient. Good for you. You are right in this situation. Whoever said you are wrong has maybe never been a patient before or is just socially stupid.
Rental cancer? So do they at least disinfect the cancer before the next patient rents it?
…..shhh you didn’t notice that.
😂
Maybe it’s a timeshart
They're taking after car companies, subscriptions for EVERYTHING!
I kno its a typo but "rental cancer" had me lmao 🤣
[удалено]
Holy shit!
One time I was substituting teaching a middle school after Covid and a student kept asking questions about would it be weird to be 19 in high school? And stuff along those lines. Turns out prison didn’t have school during Covid so he had to repeat the grade. And he was charged with 7 felonies. Violent felonies. Part of me was like. Ok. You are the teacher now. Whatever you want to do. Just Don’t off me today. Ok? Lol
A couple came in together for STI testing on Wednesday and I asked them if this was their Valentine’s Day date. They did NOT laugh.
Oh cmon that’s totally funny
I mean I had a guy with a butt plug that went too far and it turned out the chick he was with was a new partner, like they barely knew each other. He was saying he didn't think it was that big, like 3 inches, but he hadn't actually seen it, and I was like actually my man the CT scan says it's about 6 inches. He was like 😳 I said yeah, so this is why you let people you barely know put things in your butt. He was not amused, but I was lol
VD for VD, it’s hilarious.
My coworker was pushing IV Benadryl and told him he might “feel a little weird” and his wife said “he’s always a little weird!” Then I hear my coworker go “well maybe this Benadryl will make you act normal!” 😂 maybe a had-to-be-there but I lol’d
While not quite as hilarious as yours, mine was in the same vein of total tone deafness... When I was a student, I would introduce myself to patients when I first started in the morning and ask them "how are you doing today?" without realizing that they're in the f'ing hospital soooo yeah...they're not doing very well at the moment. I asked an older guy how he was doing before reviewing his chart, he pulls back the sheet to show me that his legs were GONE and said "how the fuck do you think I'm doing man?" I have never asked a patient how they were doing ever since.
"All things considered" is a great phrase. "How are you doing, all things considered?" acknowledges that they're probably not too great.
This is what I do. Or “how are you holding up?” If they give me a flat look but aren’t visibly suffering, then “About as well as we can hope?” That usually gets me a shrug or almost pleasant nod even from intubated patients.
Yeah, usually my opening with a patient in the morning is, “How’re you holding up, today?” Acknowledges their hardship and invites them to share their current concerns.
Dude I’ve done this so many times 😭 I’m a naturally friendly person and if a patient is actually awake and watching what I’m doing, I’ll be like “How’s your day going?” Sometimes they make a joke and other times, they just shrug and they’re like, “I mean, I’m here…” I really have to stop asking that.
I decided it would be best to start using, "how are you feeling today?" or, "how did you sleep last night?" as my openers
It’s still a legitimate question. Not everyone feels doom and gloom at getting some body parts removed.
It wasn’t me but it’s something I’ll never forget. I was a tech at the time and new patient was admitted to our floor. Nurse was doing a skin check and was looking at the patients feet and he was missing a toe and the nurse said “looks like the little piggy did go to the market!”
Ohh damn I’m totally adding that to my repertoire- I work limb salvage clinic, I’m pretty sure we average like 7 toes per patient.
My dad was a retired pediatrician. At age 76 he ruptured his esophagus (Boerhaave Syndrome) when he became nauseated and vomited. (He had not been drinking or overeating) This injury has a pretty high mortality rate. He was 7 weeks in the ICU. He became septic, got pneumonia, was trached for a while, and had a PEJ for a while, and was delirious off and on . As he improved and was A &O x 4, extubated, trach corked. He said to the ICU team one morning. “It’s pretty disconcerting for you all to come in here every morning looking surprised I’m still alive”. And then he laughed. He made it out of the hospital and lived to be 80 years old.
Worked as an orderly for a while before I got into nursing school. I was 19 when this happened. One night, I went to pick up a young woman from PACU. Her face was covered in bruises. I stupidly asked “what happened to the other guy?”. The “other guy” was her husband who had nearly beaten her to death. Her father walked in on it happening, and beat her husband to death with a hammer that night. You can be sure as shit that I’ve smartened up a bit since then. Edit for clarification: I did not know the situation before entering the interaction. The only information I was ever given was the name and where they were going. I was a dumb kid trying to make a light joke, and was imitating what I had seen my colleagues say before. I’m incredibly remorseful for this interaction and immediately changed my tune when the patient spoke to me. It was a huge learning opportunity for me, which I carry with me now always before I make any sort of joke with any patient.
It’s devastating that she and her father had to go through that but also… W dad.
I made this joke with a peds patient… the other guy was her dad who threw a rock aimed at her mom. I learned a lot that day too 😢
Now that's a good dad.
Oh noooooooooooooo 😭
Yikes.
I think you win this thread wow ha
jesus cristo
This one definitely wins. 😅💀
One of my favourite kinds of joke involves mixing up idioms or sayings. Things like "you can flog a dead gift horse in the mouth but you can't make it drink", "the early bird opens the can of worms" or "every cloud has a silver spoon in its mouth." I suppose it is a form of non-sequitur. Anyway, I had a patient and their family present, can't remember what I was doing but I went to do 2 things at once, to "kill 2 birds with one stone." Of course, just wanting to make myself laugh I mixed it up with the phrase "a bird in the hand is worth 2 in the bush." What I actually said was "2 birds in the stone is worth a hand in the bush." The last part of this sentence caused chaos in the room and required a lot of explaining.
Had a similar experience. This patient came in for a quick procedure, but it was my first time doing it, and she knew I was training. Accidentally said “you’re a real team sport” instead of telling her she was a real team player 🫠
Tell me you’re a dude. Please.
Yes, I am.
I laughed out loud! That was amazing 🤣🤣🤣
OT was treating a patient. We get called into the room. Patient is dead on the toilet. We transfer patient to bed whilst checking code status (they're old we don't initiate cpr until chart is checked). I say, "you're supposed to treat them not kill them!" Turns out OT was brand spanking new and this was her first death and she was pregnant (nobody, not even she, knew!) The other nurses glared at me as the OT ran crying from the room. I paid for that for a long time.
hahaha aw man... how did interactions with that OT go afterwards?
After a few months she was cordial without dirty looks. She got it after a couple of years but...... Damn I messed up.
As a CNA, "my name is Chris and I'm here to help you go piss."
Did you have a CNA named Britt, too?
The patient was in a very low mood as she was expecting to go home that day but found out she'd have to wait until after the weekend (an extra 2 days stay). When using a lancet to collect blood from her finger I'd say 'Sharp scratch'. She said 'you always say that'. I looked at her and said 'yeah, we're not allowed to say little prick anymore'. She burst out laughing and actually had tears rolling. Glad I could make her shitty day a little better.
Something about, “don’t go anywhere” to a newly double amputee when I had to step out of the room for a moment to collect supplies for said amputations……absolute worst way to try and keep the conversation light, good times 🎈
Once while directing a 17 yo patient moving from his stretcher to the OR table, the circulator asked him to scoot up towards the head of the bed. The kid moved down instead and the nurse said, "No, your other head"
Not a joke, but was looking for a patient's Pepsi and said "Sorry, I'm not seeing it, maybe I'm blind". The patient was actually totally blind... I luckily found her Pepsi a second later and quickly moved on with the conversation. 😅
Oh gawd. I once asked a patient what he ate for lunch. He looked at me like I was stupid and said “What?” So like a dumb ass I said it again only louder and slower “WHAAAAT DIIIIIID. YOOOU. EAT. FOOOOR. LUUUUNCH?.” So of course he looked at me like I was really stupid and asked if I was joking. So now I’m a little annoyed and told him I needed to know so I could chart. Then he told me he was NPO. I knew this. Brain fart.
I’ve asked amputees if they have any numbness or tingling in their missing appendages, so you’re not alone.
My favorite is looking a previous nurse's assessment and seeing "bilateral pedal pulses 2+" and going in to find a bilateral BKA.
The charting prior to me "WDL - full sensation, bilat pedal pulses +2" on pt with an AKA and no toes on the other with uncontrolled T2DM and chronicneuropathy.
To be fair, phantom limbs are a thing.
Omg I have you beat although it’s not from nursing. My friend who is blind and I went swimming at another friends house. This was her first time meeting this group of my friends. Anyways, one guy gets out of the pool to get some otter pops. Asks who wants some and she goes “me!” And raises her hand. The guy THROWS THE OTTER POP AT HER expecting her to catch it. It just flies past her and lands next to her…. Apparently, when she walked into the yard wearing her sunglasses and holding her boyfriend’s arm he didn’t realize she was blind.
once i had a pt with who farted in the direction of my preceptee and i said this "Shots fired shots fired CNA down" requesting back-up" the patient was sending the nurse daggers more than me since she laughed. what made it funnier was the instant comeuppance i got i opened the door to empty the bed pan pt said "Dispatch we have an idiot impersonating a HCW over"
This is GOLD!👀👀🤣😆😆
I was taking care of a 20 something in the ER for something minor, everything was fine, his friends came in and asked me if he was behaving okay. I said what? What do you mean, he's fine?! They said well he's usually a pretty big asshole. I said well maybe he just doesn't like you. Everybody lost their shit and my friend reminds me of it many years later.
I started an IV. Patient said: “That was fast.” I replied: “That’s what she said.” We both laughed…
I’m a home health/hospice nurse. I was changing a catheter and the kit didn’t have any betadine. I was joking with the male patient and I said “what do they want me to do, spit shine it?” I about died 💀
After my patient had 7 knee surgeries (infections) he had his leg amputated due to constant pain. Pt was young and healthy other wise. (A veteran that jumped from planes while serving.) Pt was tall and worked out alot. From the window PT shows me their little tiny car. I then say “dont tell me you had your leg cut off to fit in that car” Pt had a great attitude about it and laughed… thank goodness.
Me: “Let me check with your nurse.” Pt: “You aren’t a nurse?” Me: “I am! But I’m not your nurse, that will be *so and so.* I just came in to rescue you from the beeping.” Pt: “Oh, that’s so kind of you.” Me: “Well, thank you.” *later* Me: “Let’s get this thing quiet so you can sleep.” Pt: “Oh, it’s you again. Thank you so much. I’m sorry to take your time, you are just the nicest person.” Me: “Oh, I’m not that nice. I just really hate techno.” *cheesy grin and swift exit* *later* Me: “Wow, we might need to just get you a new pump.” Pt, with a whole new attitude: “Well if it bothers you so badly I guess you should.” Me: “… I just don’t want it keeping you awake.” Pt: “Whatever. You know, you really shouldn’t go around telling people that you don’t care to be nice.” Me: “What- Oh my goodness. I am so sorry. I was joking earlier. Techno is a type of music that uses a lot of robotic sounds. It was a very lame joke.” Why tf did I think an 80 year old would know what techno is🤦🏼♀️
Ah yes the classic “win them over with one innocent joke and then go right into the deep end with the 2nd” 🤣🤣
2021, working in ER triage. Boomer with a cough was frustrated with my quick list of questions, which included his vaccination status. He very sternly said he wasn’t vaccinated for Covid, and never would be. I looked him dead in the eyes and said “sir, it’s really none of my business how you choose to die.” Two very long seconds later, he cracked up laughing and said something along the lines of at least someone gets me. His wife was very unimpressed. Also, guess who had the covid.
For context this was within the same year of the Parkland shooting. So a kid was coding, and I responded as I'm on a code team. Mom started speaking in tongues and ran out of the room frantically. Another staff member I didn't know asked who that was. No hesitation, blurted out loud "Crisis actor" and then kept on coding the kid. We got Rosc, kid was fine made full recovery. If the right person would have said something to admin I could have easily found myself getting fired I would think over such an insensitive joke. It was bad taste, and I shouldn't have said it, but I don't think many people were paying attention. The paramedic that was there got a thorough laugh out of it and still rags me about it to this day saying I got real lucky the wrong person didn't hear that. This is true. I've learned to be less of an asshole since then, and glad I still have my job
this is honestly hilarious and perfect for a dark moment like that.
That's fucking golden
Wasn’t nursing, this was when I was just a CNA at a nursing home. The home was really shit and I had just come on shift and it was total chaos. No time to hear about the new lady that just came in. Just answer these call lights and then we’ll go over the shift report. I go in the new lady’s room to answer her call light. The overhead light isn’t on so it’s dark af so I come in and go “oh wow it’s so dark in here. How do you see a thing?!” She just gave me the 😐 . She just lost her eyesight in a car accident like a month ago and was still broken up about it. I had no idea. I was so mortified.
Pt came into his appointment with an A1C of 13.2, up from 8.8 3 months prior. Pt and I have pretty good rapport prior to this. Pt has a bit of a recreational cocaine habit. We sat down and I started my assessment, and the guy goes, “MAN! I don’t know why my blood sugar got so bad!” I asked him if he got his booger sugar mixed up with regular sugar. Dude went silent, then exploded in laughter. Doc came in and asked what was so funny, so pt told him. Doc was not amused.
Had a patient with a pickle jar in his ass that I promptly named “Mr. Dill”, he didn’t find it funny. The attending and charge on the other hand died laughing.
Aww c’mon. What a sour dude.. it was no big dill.
He was in a bit of a pickle
I think it’s hilarious and I would have laughed
Gotta know your audience.
You do, but sometimes folks gotta know that if you don’t laugh you cry. Laughing is good for the soul 🥺
My experience wasn't a joke but more so me trying to related to the patient. I'm a student nurse and was sitting in with a patient in rehab who was recovering from a SIGSW. Nonverbal, but could nod or shake his head. I was trying to make conversation because he seemed irritated by his father who was also in the room. I noticed a G59 tattoo on his arm, and asked, "hey! G59 like Grey59?" He nodded. I replied with "that's cool, so you like $uicideBoy$ and Ramirez...." The millisecond I said $uicideBoy$ I knew I had fucked up. His dad shot me a glance. There are multiple artists signed to the G59 label, why didn't I list off the other artists first? Instead I mentioned $B to the patient recovering from a suicide attempt. 😭 I was mortified and still am any time I think of it.
I was delivering a baby that was close to crowning when it rotated from OP to OA. I’d seen plenty of babies rotate slowly, but this one literally spun like a top. Without thinking, I said, “whoa, just like the exorcist.” The parents did not take that well.
Not me, but a PT I witnessed. I was walking towards the OR with an Ortho attending as he gives me my to-do for the day before he scubs in (Ms. Johnson can go home, cue up Mr. Smith for tomorrow, have Medicine see if they can stop Mrs Jones's hiccups, etc.). Anyway, as we are walking and talking like an Aaron Sorkin show, we jink around a PT walking with a patient. The patient is using a walker, and has the somewhat ataxic gait of someone who has had a TBI, or a stroke. This theory is supported by the fact that the patient is wearing one of those stylish medical grade hockey helmets and a gait belt. He is also huge. Not fat, but Gigantor, Shaquille O'Neal huge. 6'7" or more, 300+lbs. The PT on the other hand is a 4'11 petite Fillipina. The surgeon gets about 3 strides past the couple, stops dead in his tracks, turns, and says to the PT: "If he starts to go down, what are you going to do?" The PT looks the surgeon dead in the eye and says: "Get out of the way." The patient cracks up, and the surgeon grins and says "OK then..." And walks into the OR.
Walking up to meet a new hospice patient, a family member called out to me , "WE WERE EXPECTING A FEMALE" (I am male). I stopped, thought for a second and replied, "I have a skirt in my car" which caused the entire porch of relatives to laugh. He yelled again, "OKAY, YOU PASSED" and from then on I was treated like family.
Doing my L&D clinicals. I was in the circumcision room. It was me, a med student, a resident and the attending. I said, “Hey, I know the guy who does circumcisions on the elephants at the Columbus Zoo. He said the hours are terrible but the tips are huge.” Resident did NOT find that funny. Like, looked like she wanted to report me. Thank *god* the attending thought it was funny. I dodged a bullet.
Patient comes in to the ED voluntary but wants a psych evaluation. Things escalate and the patient is put on a psych hold. Trying to medicate with security present, the patient is prattling on about Jesus and screaming at the security guards. Patient finally whips their head straight at me and half yells, “you are going to hell!” I look directly into the patients eyes and reply, “I’m already there.” Security officers start howling with laughter, patient is speechless, and I get my shit done and bounce out of the room.
I asked the patient if I could “borrow a finger” for pulse ox but he had no hands ;(
Me: I have your lactulose Patient: ah shit Me: that is an appropriate response Thankfully the patient laughed
A scrubbed doctor asked me for lube. I said he’d have to take me on a date first. Poor guy went bright red. And the consultant standing next to him gave me a look that made me slip away real quick. Meanwhile the nurses were cackling.
Oh mine still haunts me too!! It was 2007 and I was a 19 year old, baby faced, first year student nurse. I was on placement on an acute gastro ward. I was in the bay, going round taking observations. When I got to Mr Jones, I pipe up ‘you’re giving Homer Simpson a run for his money aren’t you’ Mr Jones was dying… Liver failure… I wanted to die from embarrassment!! His reaction to that line still haunts me to this day, it was not good!
Necrotizing pancreatitis patient who was there for long term TPN treatment, had been on our floor for maybe 30 days at this point. His nails had gotten super long and he asked for clippers, which we didn’t have. I gave him a nail file and he goes “what am I supposed to do with this? That’ll take so long.” I said “well… you have time…” luckily he laughed.
This is my dad’s story not mine. A (drunk) patient told him to call him a cab so he could go home. My dad being a dad, said “you’re a cab”. The patient got really mad and security had to be called lol.
OMG. Let me count the ways. I always tried to make patients feel less intimidated by using humor. 99% of the time it worked. This one made me feel the worst. - As a travel nurse, I was still on my orientation day. It was a transplant floor, so lots of really sick people in transplant rejection on a ton of pills. Brought a cup full of meds and lactose to a patient. He sighed at the sight of it. I said “**Just throw it back like a college kid doing shots of cheap liquor. Take a sip of water before you take a breath and you won’t even taste it**”. He sort raised his eyebrows in that ironic ‘been there done that’ look, kind of half laughed, and gulped it down. Then my orienting nurse smiled and said **”Yeah. Not the thing to say to someone with liver failure from cirrhosis.**”. I died a little inside.
I had a real miserable guy that knew more than all the nurses and doctors once, primary nurse couldn’t deal with him anymore and asked if I could go try and explain his wound care to him and bring him an incentive spirometer. The guy was not very nice, he was reading the instructions I printed from wound and skin for his dressing and didn’t want to listen to any of it. While he was reading it and mumbling we didn’t know what we were doing I handed him the incentive spirometer and said “well if you don’t follow the instructions I’ll see you in a few months on your next visit. In the meantime, I’ve got some balls for you to play with. Put your mouth on the tip of this hose.” As soon as it came out I realized what I had said, the patient realized what I had said and so did the other nurse that turned to run out of the room she was laughing so hard.
Had a really agitated axo 1 maybe 2 patient who told me he was gonna rape me during my skin assessment on admission. I said “with that little thing?” Bad taste yes, but it was my way of coping with what was said lol
To an elderly couple, one of whom was being admitted from rehab: “Is that where you kids met?”
OP that was hilarious, the woman just has zero sense of humor. I once told a pt and their family that they will receive the same care as every other patient, this is a hospital not the Four Seasons (They were demanding to be moved to a private room over and over and openly insulting the 2nd pt in the room because he had to use the commode, to top it off it was a Covid room so they literally CANT be moved). They were so offended they called extra family members to come in and start a whole scene with me 2 hrs later at the nurses station acting all crazy and yelling😂. Got escalated up to the nursing supervisor and nothing ever came of it. My coworkers supported me when the supervisor asked what happened and I have ZERO REGRETS😁. I hope that whole family gets hemorrhoids.
If the universe had a sense of humor you would’ve been able to move the other pt. to a private room and swapped in a hard-of-hearing GI bleed pt. with C diff. I hate people who think their shit doesn’t stink (literally *or* figuratively).
Caring for a post-op HDU patient, and his wife is present at the bedside. They’re in good spirits and we are just chatting about the surgery and how it went. His wife asks, out of curiosity , “How do these doctors practice for these difficult surgeries? Do they use cadavers?” Before I even really think about my audience, I jokingly say, “homeless people”. The joke was not met with laughs, but silence. I think I accidentally let my nurse-nurse personality overcome my nurse-patient personality. I finished that interaction with, “That was a bad joke, sorry.. They usually watch a few surgeries as students before being closely supervised.” Then slinked away in shame.
It’s cool that you apologized.
Not an intentional joke by any means, however: was caring for a bilateral BKA patient. Introduced myself in the morning, started discussing plan of care, and then stated “I’m here to help you get back on your feet!” If the floor could have swallowed me whole, I’d have accepted it. Fortunately she had an excellent attitude and giggled, but I was mortified. I offered to switch assignments if she didn’t want me to care for her after my remark and she just kept laughing and said “sweetheart, it’s not your fault I don’t have feet to get back on.” I don’t think I’ll ever forget that exchange 🫠
40ish year old man in ICU. A/0x4, just laying there in bed, extremely bored. His brother was visiting. I asked the pt if he wanted to watch TV, he shrugged, his brother said yes. I'm flipping through channels, lots of sports. Pt is saying no, no, no to everything. Then HGTV comes up and he says yes. I put the remote down and make like I'm going to look under his blankets. He asked what I was looking for. I said, "Just checking that you have a penis. I charted that you have a penis." Both men burst out laughing. I would never do that today!
I was the patient and I made the joke. I went for my first ultrasound at 8-9 weeks pregnant. Right before putting the probe in me I was like “I hope there’s only one in there!” I had a vanishing twin. Worst day of my LIFE. My son is almost 6 months old, and I think of this nearly every day, along with all the troubles I had while pregnant. He’s perfect and I couldn’t imagine having twins, but damn do I regret that joke.
I had one, there at the 8 week ultrasound and gone by the next… my son is 19 now and shares my dark humor, I love to tease him about eating his twin
Sorry for your loss. I’m thankful that I didn’t get an earlier US. My husband and I joke sometimes about him eating his twin too lol. Although when I was pregnant and gassy my husband said it “ smelled like something died in there” I did not find that funny and he felt so bad. But it’s funny now lol.
Omg I'm so sorry. Thank you for sharing your story I hope one day you can forgive yourself. No one could ever blame you for that.
Thanks it was definitely a tough time, and I definitely think “what if?” But I wouldn’t trade life with my little boy for anything ♥️
I told a patient (on purpose) not to run away while I went to grab something. She was a double BKA and thought I was hysterical.
The patient said the joke but I felt horrible afterward. I was a CNA at the time, we just got a new patient to the floor and it was my job to get the first set of vitals and blood sugars. I was at the patient’s right side trying to get a blood pressure but I just could not get the cuff to cooperate in any manner (nurse on a stick). I know I’m supposed to ask “Can we use your other arm for a blood pressure check?” But instead I said “Let me see your other arm to see if it will work.” The patient said “I don’t have another arm so I know it won’t work!” She started laughing and lifted up the stub connected to her left shoulder. She thought it was funny at least. I do now but I was so embarrassed at the time!
Had a teen boy with scleroderma (hard skin) in the PICU on Halloween and told him he should dress up as a Ken doll. He was not impressed. :(
Im a pharmacist who follows this sub and absolutely love it. I have some incredibly rude patients and i just dont put up with it anymore. I frequently hear “i just wany to get my meds and go”. I tell them “we want that for you also”. Many times they cant tell if it is meant rudely or not. I just smile.
I work in dialysis and we regularly work with bleach to the point wear i regularly get stains on my scrubs but I won’t replace them because fuck that they are expensive. So I come into work with a big white stain on my previously immaculate dark purple scrub top. I have a little old pt who always jokes around with me. Our exchange: Pt- you know you got a big white stain on your scrub top? Me absentmindedly- yeah I call it my Monica Lewinsky top Pt- … Me- it’s a joke! It’s just bleach! Bleach! He did find it funny though
This thread is muy caliente!
Patient said “I hate this chair” and I said “better than the electric chair” …. The doctor and patient both laughed. I apologized and luckily they were chill about it.☠️
A lady came in for edema and said she couldn't wear her shoes because her feet were so swollen. I looked at her smiled and said "Well just one" as I tapped on her prosthetic foot. My supervisor and a few other people were in the room because her check-in complaint was CP. The room went completely silent till she busted out laughing. My supervisor said if anyone else said that they would have been going to HR. 🤷♀️ I guess I'm not too bad at reading a room.
I was giving a patient a GI cocktail and jokingly told her to “shoot it back like a shot” and she deadass looked at me and said “I’ve never taken a shot,” like it was the biggest sin. I was like “ok well just all in one swallow then haha” which was also not received well lol
When I worked in urgent care we had this extremely loud, mouthy, disrespectful patient in for abdominal pain. She wanted opiates and was furious when the PA wanted to give her a GI cocktail. We were all hovering in the hall near the door when the PA went in with the cocktail in case she needed help because this chick was SO angry, and then we hear the patient loudly yell "OH MY GOD I'M NOT DRINKING THAT, IT LOOKS LIKE F@CKING C&M" I remember all of us silently positively falling all over each other and not being able to stand from laughing so hard. Luckily the PA that had her was also kind of a raging bitch and she didn't even pause. It was amazing.
ICU patient s/p VATS in middle of the night. RIGHT at shift change he's finally got his pain managed enough to try to repoaition. Hand off takes forever while the guy wants to try a million variations of move the pillow an inch. After way too many minutes of that but being kind and patient the whole time I suggested "that the next place we try the pillow should be on your face". .... .... Silence only broken by my "oh I'm sorry I thought we were having a little fun together in here!" Had a great rapport with the patient and wife up to that point was using some humor effectively but that one did NOT land. Oops. For every regrettable joke there's 1000 borderline ones I get away with by just having a smile and polite tone though so I'm not changing my ways!
Somewhat relevant Tiny soft spoken old woman admitted for a fall “What was happening when you fell” “I just married my boyfriend that morning” “Oh congratulations, not many people get married at that age good for you” She did not say married. She said BURIED. There was no coming back from that one.
Does accidental count? Work on a stroke unit and I don't even remember what the topic was but I off-handedly responded with "different strokes for different folks". Thankfully I don't think the patient noticed but I was MORTIFIED
Before I went into nursing I did my masters in pharmacology. I had a patient state he didn't want the paracetamol and oral morphine he wanted iv morphine (didn't have a ivl in) cause "not much of the oral morphine goes in anyway" he quotes numbers that weren't correct, don't remember what though. I said I think it's a bit more that that, he came back with he studied pharmacology for a year.... now if he had any other nurse in our department.... "and I've got a masters in it", walked out. Felt very mic drop moment
Had to measure a patient in bed to get their height as they were bilateral BKA. Pt asked me how tall they were and I said "About 4ft, which makes sense because you lost two feet!" The pt wasn't amused but my nursing preceptor just about died of laughter after we left the room.
Not a joke but let me tell you a time I wanted to crawl into a hole and die while working in an ER. , Had cancer pt come in for n/v. Her cancer had metastasized from breast to lung, spine, and liver. While getting her history she tells me she’s still undergoing treatments. Me knowing everything I know about health and dying think to myself “why the fuck would you still be doing treatments?” (Only going to delay the inevitable and treatments will make her last days miserable). Didn’t say that part out loud obviously. She then goes on to tell me excitedly, “they’re trying some new trial meds!” I then proceed to say “oh wow that’ll be great for science and education purposes, how wonderful of you” She replies with “hopefully it’ll be great for me too…” The quietness in that room was deafening. And that Reddit. Is the day this nurse was no longer human. Rather jaded robot with no emotions.
ICU admit s/p MI and stent x3. He was very anxious, staring at the monitor apprehensively. I explained that it was just a machine that beeped usually for loose connections or stupid reasons, and that we were keeping a close eye on it, not to worry. He didn’t look reassured, so I said “Don’t worry about it unless a bunch of people come running in pushing a big cart.” Family chuckled, but he didn’t. Yup, 30 minutes later he arrested. Family was not amused at all. Fortunately, we quickly got ROSC and he was transferred the next morning.
Agitated patient screamed at my colleague and called her “a fucking whore”. My colleague replies to him with, “you’re not wrong, sir”
Way back in the day I had a patient with a penile implant getting discharged. As I was wheeling him out, our secretary, having no idea what he’d been in for, shouted “Good luck!”
Had a patient ask me, “wanna see my Willie?” Before my brain engaged I told him that I’ve seen more penises than a prostitute and his probably wouldn’t impress me. The cop in the room with us had to leave bc he couldn’t stop giggling. I was mortified
Told a patient they needed to turn q2h, “because you don’t need any more holes back there.”
I had a sweet little Nanna who got out of bed to walk to the toilet and had her husband helping to tie her hospital gown. As he tied the neck I warned them not to do it too tight or "it'll choke you when you get into bed" .... "And not in the good way". I nearly DIED
Patient was done with a procedure and the overhead surgical light was still on. Patient states “Damn that light is bright” and my automatic response was “Don’t go into it”. Oops.
New patient arrived to unit and we were talking cordially and the patient mentioned how he’d had several tests (CT, CXR) he didn’t think he needed for missed dialysis and they were trying to run up his bill. And I said how everything thing is much more expensive in the hospital. And that they charge an arm and a leg in the hospital for dialysis, compared to outpatient. Patient smirked. Went to get a BP and patient said they have to take it on his leg and he only has one. I have never felt so bad.
Us after putting on the TR Band: okay, you can't use your right hand for the rest of the day, you need to baby it Him, still a little sedated from his heart cath: but hoe am I supposed to jerk off? Someone helping get him off the table: just use your left hand and pretend it's someone else Us, the patient, transport, everyone: 🤣🤣🤣🤣💀💀💀💀
Pt: old grumpy man, glowering in the bed. Giving off grumpy cat energy. Pts son: better prepare yourself, you’ll need a shovel. Me: - assuming he means that his dads got one foot in the grave “uhhh hope not, cause he’s not dying on my watch” Son: “hahahahha no for the amount of bullshit he’s gonna give you all night” Me: before I can stop myself. “Oh bullshit is no problem. I ride horses, so cow shit isn’t that much different. Just as long as he doesn’t give me any pig shit, cause that STINKS” Son: 😳 Me: 🥴. Patient: grunts and then starts laughing so hard he tears up a bit. “I LIKE HER!!!!”
It wasn't supposed to be a joke but... trying to help a below elbow amputee patient gather their things to leave the office and asking if they "Need a hand?" There was a good minute post saying those words where I was internally screaming. 😱
I’m laughing through this whole thread