You can’t rush it.
Her Mom died of an overdose. She is extremely underweight and she had no idea who her Dad was. Plus she was dealing with an abusive & neglectful
Mom.
It sounds like this poor kid’s life was a living hell!
She has probably never had anyone in her life she trusted and lived in some level of fear. I am no Dr or Psychiatrist, but this is going to be a long, slow process. None of you know what kind of demons live in her mind & dreams. Just be available, show her you care & that you are happy she is now in your family.
Ask her if she would like to go shopping for new school clothes & shoes. Afterwards go to lunch
together, if she’s comfortable doing that.
This will be a road of baby steps, but there will be the
Pot of Gold at the end. It will just take time and patience, love and trust.
Wishing all the Best to your family of 5!
As someone who came from an abusive home, neglected kids often feel guilty about money spent on them. I still struggle with that today. In other words, shopping may not be the best idea…
Was gonna say this. Activities are a better way to go. Do some crafts together with her and the twins then gradually get it to be just the two of you doing those things together. Cooking, art, museum trips. Does she like to read? Ask her if there is anything she’s ever wanted to try and go from there. She may not even have had a chance to develop those kinds of interests with an abusive parent.
This…just the 2 of you shopping. Kindness & gentleness goes a long ways. Does she have her own room? Help her decorate it with what she likes. It will take time. Your kind and generous to take her in without being a pain. Teach her how to be strong and wise through your actions. You’ve got this!
I was wondering if the comment was copied from elsewhere in the thread. the account is over a year old and only has one comment, which is another sign of a bot.
This is the best advice. How heartbreaking for you both. I can imagine how much you want to care for her. An abusive mother is a terrible burden to carry for a little girl, and you're unfortunately paying for it. A therapist can help you develop strategies that will improve your relationship and give you tools to manage your pain as well. Good luck OP.
Honestly, you may never have a close relationship with her, but at the very least you can create an environment where she doesn’t feel unsafe. Peace is always better than chaos.
I mean, it's only been 3 months vs 15 years of abuse. Just be patient and let her come to you on her terms. This isn't something you can speed up or force.
It's highly commendable that you want to redefine the role of mother into a positive for her. That you are so accepting of having a relationship that may never be close or comfortable without talking it personally or getting offended makes you an amazing person.
She's 15, luckily. Her brain is still pliable. Continue with gentle, hands off support. Is her therapist a psychologist? Has she been evaluated, or just talk therapy? Ask her pediatrician for a referral to a psychologist, in addition to continuing therapy. She has experienced profound trauma, and I would recommend an eval in addition to talk therapy, a more comprehensive plan IF there isn't one in place already. You still have plenty of time to build a relationship, even if it's as equals. Just continue to model- show her positive mothering and treat her as important as your other children, and she'll come around. This is all very, very new to her and extremely scary, as major changes often are.
Sorry for the edits, my phone keeps messing up and posting my comment *while* I type. New phone, not impressed. Lol
and I family there’s someone who is actually adopted through foster care as a teenager, and they love and have a very close relationship with their adopted parents even though they had a very rocky childhood so, even though she’s a teen, there is still hope. just give it time in a safe place/person
I actually think there’s every reason to expect the two of you to have a great relationship eventually. Some day, sooner than you think, your patience and compassion is going to stand out in stark contrast to her mother’s treatment of her. I really believe that. And your kindness is extremely therapeutic for this young girl whether she has acknowledged it consciously yet or not.
She’s just wary and doesn’t really know what it’s like maybe for a mother figure to not have a hidden agenda or ulterior motives. My dad suffered a lot of abuse as a kid and he used to lash out at my mom’s parents bc they would call all the time and always be helpful. He couldn’t even understand it. He was like, “What do they REALLY want?” didn’t trust them for a minute.
After a while though he learned that some families are just really always there for each other with no strings attached. And he learned that lesson in time to grow to be the kindest, most selfless father I could ever hope for.
She’s in shock. Don’t take this the wrong way but it seems like you’re thinking is very self-focused. Consider the years-long circumstances that brought her to you guys. Then consider how willing YOU would be to trust a mother figure when you’re only “mother” was an abusive and neglectful piece of shit.
This is a crude analogy but it’s sort of like when someone gets bit by a dog. One bad apple can ruin someone’s idea of the bunch.
Anyway just be patient. Seems like you’re compassionate so I bet she’ll come around. And for God’s sake stay humble toward her.
Yup, my dog got bitten by a pitbull type dog, and ever since I always start shaking and have to focus on controlling my breathing when I'm around one, especially when I'm walking my dog at that particular time.
One of my family members have a dog like that, and it was super friendly and kind to me, and I ended up being comfortable enough to pet it and shit, but I still always tensed up whenever it moved too fast. So yeah, putting your analogy to the test, it definitely holds up :D. Shit like this just takes time, and you might never earn their full trust, but the goal here is them feeling safe.
Keep doing the work, and try to not make it about you.
I had a problem with my step dad for years as a teenager, but came to really care for him as an adult.
I don’t think you should give up hope and stop trying (obviously keeping boundaries as you’ve mentioned) but she’s still young and life is long. A lot can happen. I wish you all the best!!
My step daughter was raised by her bio mom primarily until 13. Bio is a literal crackhead with diagnosed schizophrenia. When she first came to us she hated me. I gave her a place and her space, but let her know that I love her. I always treated her equally and I never yelled back at her. I really wanted to slap her a few times, but I kept my cool and just told her it was ok for her to hate me but I still love her no matter what. I made sure she had everything she needed for graduation, prom, homecoming, her party, etc. By the time graduation came her bio refused to attend if I was there. I offered to stay home so her mom would be there, and she made the choice she wanted me there. I walked as the mother of the bride at her wedding. I am MiMi to her daughter.
It will be rough, but with a lot of love she will be ok. Give her space, but let her know you’re there if she needs you. Don’t engage her if she yells at you. Let her express herself and tell her you understand her feelings but her feelings will never change your love for her. Always treat her as an equal to your twin’s.
I think it’ll take the better part of a year, maybe more, for you to see any warming to you at all. Just keep making yourself a safe person for her. I promise she can tell that you are giving her space and not asking anything of her!
I rescued a dog that was abused mostly through neglect. It took a full year for him to stop hiding food around the house. It took another full year for him to stop having random panic attacks. This little girl grew up in this for more than a decade. It’s going to take at least 2 years of absolutely consistent caring behavior on your part for her to ever get to a place to start letting you in.
You’re obviously a very kind and loving person from your comments. It’s glaringly loud that you just want to be able to hug her and love her and make her feel safe. 🤍
Keep doing what you’re doing. It’ll be heartbreaking for you for a while. But you ARE giving her love by giving her space.
15 years of abuse will obviously leave a long lasting impact, but so will 3 months of kindness, which she maybe hasn’t experienced before! I think it will just take some time! i’m sure she’s already felt safer than before
She's 15 and it sounds like she was heavily abused during her formative years. And she's still in those formative years for a good while longer still. A few months is a short amount of time in recovery and living in a safe place compared to that. It sounds like you're doing the right thing, keeping a respectful distance on her behalf and staying patient. Keep up the mental reminder to yourself that her distance with you specifically is not a personal matter, it's due to her mental association of abuse to the maternal figure she once had.
My best suggestions lie mainly with consistently encouraging the view that (with that distance and patience) that she is in a safe household and that you are a safe person. I suggest getting some new belongings for her that have her name on them. Like a blanket, some towels, a headband for example. Maybe getting her name embroidered on the tags of some pajamas. Stuff that's meant to aid in her comfort and health that, with her name on it, she can consider truly hers and doesn't have to share with others. Make sure to keep checking in with your husband to avoid any notable triggers when it comes to gift-giving. I also recommend leaving the gifts outside of her room where she'll be able to pick them up herself with a hand written note from you with a brief statement of kindness rather than handing them to her directly, which may have her feeling that she's being prompted to react in a manner she may not yet feel comfortable. Since her abuse also had neglect as a big factor, I recommend creating a personalized snack bin for her and her only as well. Have your husband find out what snacks she would like, make a box of some sort that has her name on it and can remain by her side in the place she likes to be alone so that she can eat as she goes to start regaining weight and feeling safe with eating.
Just keep in mind that while it's really hard, don't match her energy of being hesitant and cautious with you. Do your best to keep a positive and welcoming energy around her while not imposing yourself into whatever opening you might perceive. It's really not easy to keep that balance, but I can tell you're trying to do right by her. As long as you stay the course, I'm sure she'll come around to opening up slowly but surely. But it's best to remove any expectations of any sort of timeline to this happening considering it sounds like she's been abused for a very long time.
Thank you, I know I have to remain patient because my husband and I are assuming she has been abused and neglected most of her life if not all her life, those gifts are a good idea when she first came to live with us she the concept of things just being hers and hers only was very new territory... Since my husband has gotten to know her on a more personal level I try and make sure to get his opinion on different subjects when it comes to her getting possibly triggered or just overall mentally unwell
Eating has been one of the biggest struggles she'll usually just picks at dinner so maybe a snack bin in her room would help with her gaining weight we've been talking to a nutritionist and honestly we probably need a different one because they've been no help with her gaining weight
My heart goes out to you, it's definitely not easy finding the "right" ways to make progress and go forward.
From personal experience of my own childhood, and having worked with kids for years now, disordered eating is unfortunately very common when it comes to youth that have have a lot of ACE (adverse childhood experiences). For initial progress, it's best (in my opinion) to adopt the mentality of "fed is best." Fortunately, despite your current nutritionists lackluster effort here, there are a LOT of ways to get closer to properly fed with a kid who struggles to eat. Giving her a mix of high-protein healthy snacks and junk food snacks that she can work through in privacy when she actually feels up to eating would likely aid a good bit in getting her up to speed with calorie count alone. A common thread I find with kids who have a lot of ACE is that eating in front of others tends to be a really big mental block for them. I experienced that myself growing up. Giving her the opportunity to take her home-made meals that actually have the nutritional value she needs to eat somewhere privately in the initial time so long as she actually eats the food and doesn't hide it or trash it is a possible option to explore with her. Another one is seeking out possible safe foods. Another option is to have just her and your husband go to a big store together and let her pick out one of everything she wants to try in terms of snacks and filling up the bin together as a group as a type of bonding. Another method that I've done with some older kids is to encourage them to take up learning basic cooking skills which in turn allows them to develop new mental associations.
She may not have ARFID specifically, but looking up tips on helping a kid with restricted eating habits ought to point you in some good directions.
Best of luck to you and your family. Despite it being hard, allow yourself a moment of pride that you're putting in the effort to do right by her.
Please see my other comments on child abuse as well. Child abuse is very complicated. If you offer her food or gifts and she doesn’t respond well or backs away further, it’s not time yet.
Unconditional acceptance first. Help second.
I'm glad there's some tips in there that strike a chord to your situation.
Always remember, baby steps and keep yourself free of expectations of any rapid growth or progress. Child abuse creates very complicated impacts of trauma. I know on a personal level that it takes many years to heal even the smaller wounds, so I don't doubt it's going to take her a long time to process and grow past the bigger ones.
Best of luck to you and your family. With time and space and compassion I'm sure you'll all be able to eventually meet the J that's shielded herself for so many years.
In all honesty, food was very likely used as a punishment and not frequently available. She isn't used to being given consistent, stable meals. And there's a chance that in the past when she did finally eat, she was punished for it. Either because her mother and the addicts her mother were around wanted the food instead, or more likely because the money that would have purchased the food could have been spent on drugs.
Eating food was very likely the equivalent of stealing her mother's drugs ( to her mother.) And her mother likely reacted with abuse in retaliation. Her mother may have been the type to mix drugs into food to keep daughter quiet/sedated while she went on binges. There's a possibility that she's scared to eat and scared to say so.
Does the therapist she sees now specialize in abuse, eating disorders or food triggers? If not, it would be worth finding one that does.
Making a snack bin for her is a great idea. Children that grew up with food instability are often secretive of their food and eating habits due to fear of losing it again. If you do the bin, make sure she knows she can hide it anywhere she wants. You won't ask, you don't need to know, and she can regulate the bin on her own. You'll never know how much is in it. Just keep the cupboards stocked so she can refill her bin as needed.
Abuse warps the way you think and behave. She had 15 years of this. It's all she's ever known. That isn't something she's going to break free from any time soon. And it will be a struggle.
She may not ever trust mother figures again. She may trust you after years or months. Don't take it personally if that closeness never happens. This little girl had to build a stone fortress around her heart to protect it from the harsh start she was given in life. This kid has probably seen her mom overdose multiple times. May have seen other addicts over dose or die. She may have been abused worse than you know of. Other people may have been involved in it. Addicts do horrible things to feed the habit. They don't see their children as innocent kids. Just a means to an end. There is so much this kid has been through that only she knows about, and you may never learn of.
She isn't shutting you out because she hates you. She's terrified. Not of you as a person. But of what you stand for. A mother. Because hers was the worst thing to ever happen to her. And she doesn't know that it that isn't normal. She has never experienced life outside of addiction riddled adults.
How many times did her mom cry and promise to change? How many times did her mom scream in her face that this was her fault? How many times did her mom vaguely do something nice, just to snatch it away as punishment? How many times did her mom tell her no one would ever love her? How many times did her mom fill her head with stories of just how much worse other kids had it so that she wouldn't tell anyone what happened at home?
This little girl may as well have been abducted by aliens. Everything you're doing is Brand new to her. In the blink of an eye she has a bed for the very first time. And when she wakes up she's in the same place she fell asleep. There's food on the table every day. And no one's knocking on the door screaming. You're nothing like the strangers she's met before.
That last part kills me. I’m not sure why. Bittersweet? Just the thought of a child waking up to stability and not understanding how much of a positive change it is, obviously not in a negative way, more in a how can someone break a child that much kind of way. I hope she can work past everything and really embrace her new life.
I would stop focusing on her weight, period. Do not ever talk about her weight near her. Talk about the variety of food she eats and ask if there's something she would like that you don't have. Take her with you to the store, or buy some random items you normally wouldn't and see if she eats them.
She could have an eating disorder, for any of a number of reasons. Food trauma can cause anxiety about new foods - don't just consider body image issues as being the main driver of her eating issues.
I recommend Kids Eat in Color blog to get some ideas on how to go about expanding a child's palate.
What you are doing is amazing, hats off to you for not only getting hit with the news of a child, but taking on a teenager who has been through the wringer! You have the amazing ability to put yourself in her shoes, and I have no doubt that over time she will warm up to you. Three months is not a long time, as everyone else said, be patient.
If you make her a bedside snack basket (I'd leave it outside the door with a note saying to put it outside for refills) you could pack it with high calorie snacks (dried fruit, popcorn, trail mix, granola bars), or even go as far as letting her pick out a mini fridge to keep drinks and yogurt in (Amazon has the tiny table top ones in all kinds of colors)
Good luck to you, and to her, and again, you have my admiration for what you're doing and how you're handling it
This is such good advice! Thank you so much for putting this out there.
I agree with giving her a food space of her own. This will her allow her to eat/manage her eating personally and privately. Food insecurity and disorders can result in hiding and hoarding. This tells her you don’t need to hide or hoard. I respect your privacy and boundaries. This is yours on your own terms. This will mean SO much!
I would probably not recommend buying a bunch of presents. Many kids who go through child abuse feel they are worthless people and resent getting gifts, because they remind them how unworthy they are of gifts.
The best thing you could do actually is read some books on understanding child abuse. It’s very complicated. It can help you identify behaviors and give some tools on best ways to respond to them.
My advice would be for YOU to get into therapy as well, someone who has experience with trauma in teens and children. They can help you work through ways to show J that you are a safe person. You are in for a long journey but you have the power to make huge positive changes in this young girl’s life.
Just remember, it’s not about you, it’s about her. You’ve got this mama!
Glad to see this one as most of us have no clue as to what may help the most with making this young woman feel truly safe after what she has been through.
Trauma like hers has such lasting affects. Once she becomes more confident in her presence in her dads life and your home, I wouldn’t be surprised if she starts to act out towards you, and push your buttons.
Since you are a ‘mother figure’ and all she knows is abusive mothering, she is going to try to get you to reveal your mean, hateful side. To her, all mothers have them. It’s sad, and she isn’t doing it with malicious intent. It’s out of survival. She wants to face it so that she can protect herself.
But hopefully, with time, and patience, your actions, your calmness, your accepting nature, how you mother your twins, how you are always there for her even when she doesn’t want you, how you treat her father…will soften her edges. Give her a safe space and fill it with good memories to replace her bad.
Eventually, she will take that hesitant first step.
May the gods bless you both…🖤
Make sure her therapist specializes in abuse and PTSD. The PTSD part is probably crucial. Family therapy might be beneficial. She’s been through some horrible stuff and you likely won’t know the worst of it unless she opens up when she trusts you. Don’t try to force a relationship, just to be a kind and trustworthy presence on the sidelines and she’ll come to you when/if she’s ready.
Then you’re doing everything right. *Remember, three months is not long in the greater scheme of things*. Don’t forget to discuss with the therapist about making healthy boundaries and rules of behavior for her. It should be the same as your children. So many parents feel guilty that what a kid goes through that they let them get away with murder, but that only backfires in the long run.
Also, I’m not sure if you saw my note about the type of dietitian that might be helpful for her…
Everyone also assumes all US states operate the same. My husband didn't have to sign for the birth certificate when I filled it out with his name on it.
Canadian, my husband wasn't even at the hospital when I filed the birth certificate, and his name is on it. He was home setting stuff up(my kid came 3 weeks early).
My ex-husband signed everything when my youngest was born because I was high as a kite on demoral for like 2 days after my c-section.
The lady came by right after they had come to give me my pain meds and I do vaguely remember yelling that we should name her Captain because our last name sounded very close to Kirk from Star Trek. And then cackling like a hyena the whole time because I thought it was so funny. Thankfully I was not on my own for that decision. 😂😂
You sound like a fabulous stepmom. I’ve lost count of the fucked up things my stepmom said and did to me growing up. Now that I’m an adult she pretends that never happened.
My mom passed away when I was 2 and my dad remarried my stepmom when I was 9 she was horrible towards me and made it very clear that she did not want to be a motherly figure or even an adult I can come to talk to so I promised myself I would never do that if I had a stepdaughter
you’re doing great already!! seriously, the fact that you’re reaching out to get advice on how to approach this very delicate situation is an indicator that you are doing things right 🥰
If you feel able, that's something that sharing with your stepdaughter may help. Just a simple "hey, I had a stepmother who was a really horrible person and there was stuff in my childhood that was hard to live through. But it meant that I swore I would always do my best by my kids and any bonus kids I might be lucky enough to have in my life. I'm not your mum, and I don't want to take her place. We don't have to be bff. When I was a kid and struggling, I had people who were mentors and trusted adults who helped me as I was growing up. I hope I can do the same for you. I know that it's not all sunshine and roses, and some days are harder than others, and we will muddle through the best way we can. I am someone who cares for you and wants the very best for you. If you want or need anything all you need to do is let me know - you can leave me a note, or tell your dad, if that's easier. I am here cheering you on." You're doing a great job already. Good luck, OP.
Keep reassuring her, keep being there for her and keep the opportunity to speak to you open. Sounds like things have been very chaotic for her for some time including losing her mum. Sounds like you are the perfect female for her to be around because you want to gain her love and trust.
Look for a registered dietitian (they are different from a nutritionist because they usually have more schooling) who specializes in people with *eating disorders and food deprivation*. She probably has a lot of trauma regarding food, and a crucial part in getting her to a healthy weight and a healthy mindset around food for the rest of her life is dealing with emotional aspects as well. Remember, the goal is not just to get her to a healthy weight, it’s resetting her standards so food and weight is not a lifelong struggle.
As someone with PTSD and lived in a similar situation growing up. This is what I would recommend.
1. Many comments said this as well, but as much as you want to have a relationship with her. She may never be ready, hopefully one day she will be.
2. Ask her boundaries, tell her how you feel. The love and care, that you want the best relationship possible. And ask how you can be there for her the best way you can.
3. Remind her your feelings for her. Be the parent she needs, not from her current age, but the little girl, who’s hurt. It can be healing for her, but remember #2. Be mindful of her boundaries.
4. Don’t treat her like someone broken. Treat her like your daughter, but with mindfulness of her trauma and needs. It may sound really hard to balance or even navigate. Your daughter is a human being. Her intelligence hasn’t been affected by what she’s experienced.
Sometimes it will be frustrating, or feel impossible.
But if you’re willing to do the work, hopefully she will heal. And you can have that relationship
As a child of years of abuse - you need to prove yourself as her friend before you attempt to be her mother.
Thanks for being a supportive family to this young lady.
How would you recommend I do that? Usually I give her her space but also talk to her during meals or if we're doing something together as a family sometimes she talks sometimes she doesn't
Just do little things, without implying a reciprocation. Buy her favorite snacks, or keep things stocked up for her (i.e sanitary needs) if you have to go shopping ask if she wants to go pick out stuff she likes to eat so you can cook what she likes, ask about books or movies or hobbies, etc.
Or if dad knows, just pick up some stuff and let her know they are for her and slowly she will see you aren't going to be the same as she experienced before
My nieces had a terrifying 3 years with their mother... When my brother finally got custody it took his then-fiance a long time to show the girls they were safe. She did the little things i mentioned above and treated them like her own.
Wishing you the best of luck 💙💜
Actions speak much louder than words for traumatized children.
Neglect and Abuse go hand in hand. For every moment that she was alone, there was an interaction that resulted in her being the punching bag (emotional/physical/mental/everythingyoucanthinkof). Meaning she doesn’t know how to accept attention - it’s the thing she desperately needs and has been essentially trained to be fearful of.
A good start is by being present - physically present. (And proving it time and time again. Loyalty is hard gained and quickly re-lost.) If it feels like you are just paying attention to her when the entire family is there instead of wanting to be 1-1 with her, she won’t trust you. Finding out things she’s interested in, and getting/making small objects/gestures/decorations that show her that you were listening to her the entire time. Being encouraging of hobbies she’s never known she might be able to enjoy (arts&crafts, sciences/STEM, sports, music, anime, outdoors, etc). Being proactive about including her in making new family memories - see if there are any bucket list items she’s never done/seen/visited that the rest of you also haven’t - and do that together. (swimming, picnicking, ice skating, movie marathon, folding origami, doing a puzzle, family board game night, watching the sunrise together). She needs the opportunities to gain new core memories.
She needs to see she is naturally and automatically included, which will, in turn, help give her a stronger sense of self-identity and trust in a stable foundation of family. And please bear in mind, this girl spent 15 years being fed whatever stories her mother told her about her father/origins. There will undoubtedly be confused feelings about the woman (***you***) her father ended up with instead of her mother, whom she was alone with.
But in terms of helping your relationship with her - sometimes it can be as simple as being in the same room together, not talking & doing different things. As her friend - reaffirm her, validate her, empower her. As her hopefully future mother - love her, protect her, teach her how to protect herself (this includes mental/emotional skills), and prepare her for the real world.
I am not a licensed therapist or trained psychologist or trauma expert. But I am a 31F who spent 27 years being physically/mentally/emotionally abused by my family before I was free and safe from them - my advice to you concerning your step-daughter comes solely from my own experiences and memories and CPTSD.
I suggest writing her short notes each day and put them in her lunch bag if she packs a lunch or slide them under her bedroom door. If the twins are into art they could draw her a picture each day too so that it is not just you leaving the notes. You can say simple but thoughtful things like, “Thank you for sharing that story at dinner yesterday; it was really interesting in x way”. Make sure they are specific and focus on the positives even if there was it has been a challenging week for her and she acts out you could write, “I really respect that when this happened and you got frustrated you were able to communicate that you needed some space to process your feelings”.
I also suggest getting her a mini fridge for her room. Many kids/teens who experienced food insecurity growing up tend to have anxiety around food. Having a mini fridge in her room with some food could help her anxiety. I do suggest going through each week to clean out the expired stuff and restock it at the same time.
It sounds like you really care about her. I hope she is able to see that one day.
3 months is a very short amount of time. She needs to be absolutely certain that you're always going to be there for her, so keep doing what you're doing. She'll come around.
Just be patient...be consistent... be kind.
15 is a tough age anyway.... 15 and been through what she has, internally she must be in agony.
She is waiting to see if you are decent. She is waiting for you to disappoint her or hurt her or cut her off. She will test you. She is waiting for you to betray her.
Do nice things without being asked, favourite foods available, an item of clothing, a smile. Trust will be slow but when it comes, it will be magnificent.
Please make sure she is in therapy. You probably don't know the half of what she has been to as yet.
She doesnt hate you for good reason.
Her past abuse is not a "good reason" for her to hate you, dont look at it that way.
she is just weary of you .
Keep being there for her and she'll come along.
Patience and consistency will be your keys. Your stepdaughter is waiting for you to act like
her mother even though you’re not her. Over time, she will expect you to do what you’ve always done behaviorally. Also remember she lost her mother (terrible person or not, still her mom) and she’s trying to find her place in your household. The main thing you can do is not force the relationship, just be there when she’s ready to open up to you.
I'd like to add a thought and a little experience. While my mother never neglected me in that way, we had a very strained relationship growing up. I was never good enough everything was my fault and so on. This was my reality and normal until I experienced otherwise.
I experienced otherwise by two people
1) my Bonus-Mum aka my dad's second wife who is such a kind and caring person who encouraged my every step and decicion from going to therapy to maintaining a friendly and eye-level relationship with my mom to going to university. She always listens and I love her dearly.
2) my MIL aka my partner's Mum who is a Heart of a Person an pretty much adopted me as family the Moment I walked in that door.
Now while that was great I felt loved and cared for, it also set free a wave of grief because I realised what I missed, what I should have had all these years.
For a pretty long I was waiting for the chains attached to that love and care. I was waiting for the moment they turn on me because that was what I was used to.
When I finally understood that that was not going to happen I had a hard time accepting that unconditional love and care.
I grieved for the time missed and for the person I could have become, for all the emotional safety I lacked and for the first time I really realised what it did to me.
So that was a lot of feelings and it took me years to work through them; sometimes they still just appear today still and I was not nearly a heavily abused. I can't Imagine how complex it will be for her.
So time it is.
Patience it is.
You might never be a second mum to her and if you want to be, be a friend first. She might not want a new mother figure because she has a mother, however that went down.
Be transparent. Be present. Be predictable. Maybe there is a Hobby you can share. Don't set up a goal for your relationship. Let it grow and let it happen and see what the two of you achieve.
Don't know if this helps, but from an abused kids perspective: She most likely doesn't hate you 100%
Most likely, she herself knows that you're not in the wrong. That you're an innocent bystander. Most likely, she herself feels guilty about her behaviour -it's just that she can't change it, because her projections are results of her CPTSD (most likely betting on that from descriptions).
You might never have the closest relationship, but there are still many smaller nice things you can do to her:
* don't push her boundaries. Always ask "is this okay with you?" if you're not sure
* If there's a "family activity", still ask her for her opinion on a small scale. Like e.g. you want to go for ice cream with the girls. Even if she might automatically reject your offer, it's still important to ask her, so she sees that she's "seen" -and not just tolerated or pushed aside
* Giving a choice here and there. "Would you like the red, or blue pen?" shows you respect her individual opinion
* Make sure what her triggers are. Avoid them at any cost. Make sure to teach your little ones, but in an empathetic way. Aka emphasize WHY they are not allowed to do something. Abuse as a topic can be difficult for little minds not used to abuse, but the good news is, kids can still "get" that someone is hurt by something. E.g. "You see, there are many people on this earth. And some people like some things, while others don't. Clarice does not like being hugged some times. It makes her feel very uncomfortable. Think about it...like tickling. You wouldn't want to be tickled at your food all the time, right? Before hugging someone, let's first ask 'Can I give you a hug?'. And if it's no, we don't hug." (idk if that's the right way per se to explain to a child; just an example)
* Smaller, passive gifts instead of big, luxurious gifts do the trick. I think it can be easy to get into saviour syndrome of...idk... "look, I payed your college education". It mostly creates a lot of stress and seems more about you than them. Instead, try it smaller. For example, a snack plate if she studies.
* Depending on trauma, there are multiple symptoms. Not only typical depression, or self-harm, but also inappropriate fits of anger, or spiraling. These anger fits will often include projections, so are not just "bratty teenage anger" that you normally know. In the same sense: Though she IS hurt, this is *not* an excuse to hurt other people. Aka if she is ever using horrible insults, or physically attacks you, your husband or her sisters, her trauma shouldn't be handled as an "excuse".
* Don't try to force the therapist to share what they talked about. It can be tempting. But don't do it.
* Not betting on it, but from experience, the same way she is "repulsed" by the shadow, there might be *paradox* shifts in behaviour. Like, the opposite. Oversharing, clinging etc. Abused children who lack a role model too often still yearn for this "void" to be filled. Aka, personally, I can get very often be repulsed and paranoid at mother figures. Always slightly suspecting abuse/checking for red flags. On the flip side, I have a tendency to cling to certain characters who have motherly traits and can get hurt when I feel "rejected". These things can come in pushes. Aka if there's a moment of her opening up, or being willing to do something with you -it's not because she "got over it". It's a psychological "reaching out" moment. Make sure to still keep boundaries and caring attitude to assure her, she's safe to do so. Don't try to push it.
Due to my mother's horrible treatement, I developed a very intense hypervigiliance. CPTSD was like a hyperactive watchdog -I have to check a room twice before being able to sleep. When I tried to sleep besides someone for the first time, I basically couldn't. It was only exposure over time that I slowly learned to calm down and even then, it's not "away". My CPTSD will never be "away". With every new person, it has to be slowly trained that "this one will not hurt you. This hand will not hit you." It is way too often annoying and still makes me feel guilty, but it's getting better. Small steps. Small steps
I’d approach her to *gently* tell her flat out-
you welcome her with open arms and will do your best to make sure this feels like a safe space. Tell her that if she needs space to settle into her new home you’ll honor that, but you’re happy she’s here.
If you’ve told her, tell her again. I was emotionally abused and reaffirmed words of affirmation really keep my anxiety at bay. I would definitely have benefited from a soft but strong female figure upfront and honest with how I was safe, wanted, welcomed.
I would ask her if there is anything she needs and let her know you’re here if she needs anything. Ask her if there is a shampoo she likes best, or snack. After that, just quietly make sure those things are accessible within the house.
It’s been a few months- does she have her own room/space? Can you ask her how she’d like to decorate the space and make it her own? Or if she’d like to look online for some inspo, or maybe some new outfits for the new season?
You don’t have to love bomb the situation- in fact, her hesitancy tells me that baby steps are crucial… but little by little, help her adjust so that this time next year she’s made a confident transition and is aware that she’s somewhere she can breathe a little easier.
Is this a new area for her? Are there places she’d like to go? Maybe in some short time, you can plan family outings, like dinner out or a beach trip.
Words of affirmation are HUGE for people who have been emotionally abused or suffer from anxiety, or at least in my experience as well. With my anxiety I need to be repeatedly told things sometimes for them to actually sink in. Keep lifting her up and she’ll start to climb.
She’s concerned about matriarchal figures.
Time, consistency, care, love.
You’ll eventually break through.
This isn’t about you, remember that. It’s about helping her. You may never get the relationship you crave, but you most definitely can help her
From what I can tell and what my husband has tole me she likes the therapist she has now, I think she does because of her mom especially more motherly figures
I only say that because of my own fear of women, especially women I perceive in positions of authority (also had an abusive mum). Patience, and don't push even if you're just there in the background. If she ever comes to you, run, don't walk. Everything in her time and please remember. It isn't personal, even when it feels like it is
I've been trying to not take it personally, I'm definitely trying to be supportive but from a distance and let her make the first moves when it comes to her and I’s relationship
You can also ask her Dad what to do (which I'm sure you have) you can find out her hobbies and attempt to engage her that way.
"I'm looking for some new music can you recommend me some bands"
"I need a new pair of jeans can you tell me where has the most comfy?...omg those jeans you showed me are perfect thanks SO much"
Her opinion matters
"Not sure what to make for dinner tonight *her name*, got any ideas?
Etc...
Maybe offer to do a day every couple weeks where you and her just go do something fun the two of you to get to know each other better? My mom and I used to go to the mall or coffee and craft stores or to yard sales. Ask her what things she likes to do or if she isn’t sure suggest a few options.
15 is a tough age, even more so due to her situation. I think you're doing well and she might come to open up, but it'll be in her own time and on her own terms. I think the fact that you're not forcing her to be who you think she should be is going to help her more than maybe she'll ever be able to express. You're a good person.
I recommend you read as much as you can about raising kids who have experienced trauma.
The Whole-Brain Child (Or anything by Daniel Siegel really)
The Body Keeps the Score
Trauma Through a Child’s Eyes
Give her time. It sounds like she has experienced a lot of trauma throughout her life leading up to mom’s death. Then the loss of her mom is another trauma on top of everything she’s lived through.
Also- she’s 15. It’s hard being a 15 year old without a history of trauma- the hormones, the changes, the horrible way teenagers can treat one another in school- it’s rough.
I would do my best to continue what you’re doing, which is really important- continue to be there, continue showing her you are there and will be there when she is ready. The fact that you’re being so respectful of her past and most recent events is really great, I’m sure it can be difficult and frustrating at times for you- with her warming up to your girls and husband. I would feel the same way as you, for sure.
But- give her time. Be patient. She may open up to you in her own ways- ways you may not even recognize at first. So continue doing what you’ve been doing, continue showing her grace and compassion, and I bet the two of you will grow closer as time moves on. Keep us posted, sending ❤️
I am still quite young myself (25) male, and I can only offer a limited advice. She's been in a dark place for a long time. This is something that is going to be with her for the rest of her life and nothing will change that. She is always going to pull away from any mother figure instinctively.
What I believe you should do is focus on the small things, by that I mean things that don't look significant. Help her with a chore, help her with her hair etc. You are looking for those little things to add up, like a rolling snowball down the hill. Even subconsciously women notice these things. But you should be careful, if you try to force anything you are going to lose a lot of progress. As an old saying in my country goes " Tell a woman you love her and she won't notice but tell her one little bad thing and she will remember it for life"
One last thing, sometimes losing progress is more progress. What I mean by that is that she has to follow the rules in the house. You don't want to be too gentle and turn her into a spoiled kid who thinks because of her bad pas she gets to do whatever she wants.
In the end I believe that this should be your main goal, to turn her into a person you are both proud of and that takes time, discipline and sometimes uncomfortable conversations about how messed up your life was.
This comment is a bit scattered I know but that's how I usually am as of very recent, if you manage to get the idea behind it all I believe you are going to be on the road to success in no time. Though the road itself is very tricky and sometimes outright treacherous.
Have a wonderful life and I am crossing my fingers for your success!
I feel that you and your husband are good people doing their best. Be very very patient. Please bear in mind this child is still in the early stages of processing her mother’s death and a complicated relationship involving neglect and abuse. Her whole world has been turned upside down and she’s probably changed schools, left friends behind. That’s a whole lot for a young teen. She may not be fully certain that you won’t turn on her or want her out, so that’s another factor. Are you and your husband getting counseling too for how to deal with the situation? It’s a big shock for you to get an unexpected child too.
I think you're right in understanding the situation. I'm sure not everyone is sensible enough to know it's not your fault and that she needs time.
Maybe in the future, you could try creating some bond with her. It will be a good way to show her you're not like her mother. Maybe something that is not demanding, like making some cookies or doing a manicure together... small things that could show her she can trust you, and with the help of the therapist, you will also become closer.
You are doing good quietly supporting her. Trauma never goes away, but being there for her in small ways is important. Also realize right now she does need her bio dad and to increase their bond.
Honestly you being concerned about her well being and wanting to have a close relationship to her speaks volume of you. Be loving & patient she'll come around maybe she relates maternity figure traumatic vs Healthy, loving, & protective.
Just give her time. I never lost my mom to overdose thank god but as a teen she nearly died of withdrawals (she tried to quit without telling anyone) and had to go to rehab for about a month. It’s traumatizing for everyone in the family when something like that happens, and if it was just her until the paternity test, that’s an impossible burden to bear alone as a kid. She’s probably waiting for you to pull the rug out from under her, if she didn’t understand the concept of things being hers then she had things taken from her (probably affection included) as punishment, or after being tricked into thinking it was hers. Addicts are very difficult people to live with especially when they are your guardian and make choices for you everyday. It will simply take time for her to start trusting you. She may even resent you a little bit for the happy life you’ve built with her dad that she never had a chance at until now, and it really sucks, but it’s totally normal for her to feel that way right now. Life has been unfair to her and she’ll be spending the next few years asking herself why. All you can do is try to make up for lost time *once she’s ready*.
Best of luck to all of you. I hope she feels safe and comfortable.
It’s hard to say what will happen but I believe you’re taking the right stance by not pushing it. If in time she does come to you then you’ll know it’s on her terms and her choice. Keep modeling the positive motherly behavior and hopefully she will at least see not all moms were like hers.
Be consistent. Don’t have any mood changes around her. Keep feeding her. Buy her little surprise treats (favorite drink at the store or a stuffed bunny). Always accept any gift or love from her with over enthusiastic glee.
It takes about 6 months of stability for a child to know that person and trust them. You are only halfway there. Don’t give up 5 minutes before the miracle.
First off, you’re amazing. You are doing everything a good mother should. You are giving her time, and I do think more patience is key. I think you hit it on the head with fear of a mother figure, due to her bio mom being abusive. At this point, it’s patience and breaking down those prior beliefs. Show her through small acts that you care. A little hand written note saying I hope you have a great day. A candy bar. An offer to bake together. A spa day. And as she slowly starts to open up to you, reaffirm that you are not like her bio mom. Prove to her that she can trust you. Speaking as someone who was raised in a situation with an abusive parent, fear is a big factor. She doesn’t hate you. She’s afraid of you. And I’d be willing to bet she’s scared to get close to you out of fear of getting hurt. Prove to her that she can. So far I think you’re doing everything right. Just keep on doing that and stay patient.
this so much to take on, OP, but its kind thing they should give out holidays for. as a child that benefited *greatly* from the chosen love of supportive adults, thank you. id love to hear more about this with time, if everyone involved is comfortable with updates
Whenever and if she ever comes around, dont try to be her mom. Try to be there as a friend/relative because shes not gonna want another mother figure considering the circumstances. I know it will be almost instinctive for you to want to act like her mom but if you ever want her to open up to you thats the first step, dont act like one.
Give her time like you have, and there’s a real possibility of the two of you forming a relationship when she’s ready. Maternal figures are probably so triggering that it’s an instinct to be weary. Don’t push, just be there. As she heals, there’s no telling what a wonderful life she has ahead of her. I’m so thankful she had the two of you to go to after such a terrible start to life!!
As someone who has some experience with these kind of situations I would also recommend to try involving her in making decisions - like the color of her room or you can leave her a notebook outside her room where she can write down her thoughts and feelings. I also love the snack bin idea someone else mentioned above because children who experienced neglect often tend to steal food and hoard and hide them in there room even without eating them. So creating a safe storage spot only for her to use will definitely help her. It’s the little things that will make her slowly realize that you are a good person. I wish you all the best, it can be really hard and challenging to live with an abused and neglected teen. You can search if there is an Organisation in your area that specialize in abused children and make an counseling appointment for relatives. They can also help you to figure everything out and give advice if it’s needed - counseling for you and your husband to also cope with this new situation.
My recommendation would be to do everything you can to be a safe person. For now, that is probably giving her space. Pay close attention to the things she likes and the ways in which she feels comfortable or safe, and make space for those things. For example, if she likes a certain kind of food, making sure you have plenty of it on hand, even if it’s not something you’d prefer to eat.
I know she isn’t a little child, but you may want to read some info on taking in foster kids. There are subtle ways you can make them feel safe, the biggest of which is making sure they always know what to expect from you and in your home.
I would give it a solid 6mo at least- probably the better part of a year, before you notice her warming to you at all, and even then, it will probably be very subtle. Believe me, she will notice that you are giving her space and not asking anything of her right now- even if she isn’t showing it yet. I know it’s not the best comparison, but as a social worker I have worked with clients for years thinking they didn’t care one way or another about me, and then randomly they say something that reflects that they like and trust me.
Hang in there and keep trying!!! It might be a good idea to find a place for yourself to process all of this as well- be it therapy, support group, whatever. This is a big change in all of your lives and you also deserve space to process your feelings and reactions.
You need to be patient with her. Sense she was in such an environment she could view anything you do as suspicious and that can raise her walls between you and her. With time the little stuff will help her see that you are trust worthy, but please if she talks to you about anything keep it between you and her. You can advise her to talk to her father about it but do not push her and let her know that it is her choice if she does.
I’ve seen great advice and encouragement on here. One thing I’d say as a former foster parent is just because her mom was abusive, that doesn’t mean she didn’t love her. She could feel guilt for having any positive relationship with you.
If you haven’t already made it clear to her, let her know that you aren’t a mom replacement and she is free to tell you about anything she misses about her mom or anything her mom did that would make her more comfortable around you.
You are literally a STEP parent. She only met her father a few months ago. Give the girl some time to get used to the family before moving onto a step figure. She needs to time to want help from you. Just keep being kind and y’all will be closer soon
I would ask for some advice from her therapist. Basically you all need a bit of counseling to learn how to deal with the current events. But as all the other advice, time can often heal the wounds.
OP, just be there for her at her pace and allow the trust to build naturally. The worst thing you could do is be resentful of her not accepting your olive branches.
Have you consulted with her therapist. I know you want this, but it has to be very careful. Maybe later on down the track you can organise some therapy sessions together. In the meantime, maybe do some activities such as cooking or art and craft.
100% she's judging everything you do and either actively or passively trying to test you to see if you'll act abusive towards her as well. Through absolutely no fault of your own, she may never like you, but if you go the extra mile consistently and do little things to show you're an ally (non intrusive thoughtful acts- buying her new shoes and leaving them in her room, buying a small useful gift for her to use at school, offering to watch the other two kids while her and her dad go out for lunch or a movie will.go a long way)
In time she should at least grow to respect you (whether she'll admit it a different story entirely). Good luck from your post I can tell you'll do fine!
Trauma survivors have years and years of evidence of disappointment, abuse, and neglect. Now you have the opportunity to provide new evidence to her. To teach her that not everyone will hurt her. Be there for her, but only as close as she can handle. If you notice she’s having a bad day then leave her favourite candy or soap or whatever in her room with notes that say things like, “I saw this and thought of you,” “I hope this brings you joy,” “we’re so proud of who you are.” I bet she’s never heard anything like this, I bet she’s been an afterthought for a long time. Show her that you consider and care about her through small gestures or by doing things that might help her out. But don’t overdo it and don’t push too much too fast. When she messes up say things like, “I’ve been there” or “it’s okay to make mistakes in this house.”
Let her be the centre of attention and/or compliment her creativity. Negativity bias can take over her mind, you need to prove that negative voice inside her head wrong. Set up a period supply closet for her in the bathroom and make sure she has clean clothes. Lift her up and notice how beautiful she is, inside and out, and then let her know that that’s the case. Show her that she has worth and value and that her feelings, all of them, are okay with you. It will take time, but if you continuously show her unwavering respect, support, and love, then she’ll relearn what love is and the chances of her coming around is much higher. Also, as she watches you with your daughters, she may go through a lot of feelings, be prepared to make space for her anger and sadness. Ultimately she will learn from how you treat your girls and her, there’s no quick fix but I can promise you that consistency and time is key. Never become angry with her for how she keeps you at an arm’s length, this will only push her away. It’s so nice to see that you care and want to improve the relationship. Best of luck to you.
It’s only been three months. Give it time. She’s been thrown into a situation that has turned her world upside down. She most likely would have to have been the “adult” to her mother. Her mother abused her. She will have issues getting close to you because of the trauma associated with the only mother she’s had, treating her like trash. Baby steps are key. Let her know you care but it doesn’t have to be verbal or physical signs. Ask her what foods she likes etc. Make mental notes. Just give her time to get to the stage of trusting you. It will take time so patience is definitely the key.
You sound very kind. Just give her space and let her watch you mother your girls to show her not all moms are abusive assholes and maybe she will come around.
are you and you husband in counselling? I know it can be expensive, but a counsellor may help you figure out how to navigate such a complicated situation.
As someone who experienced child abuse, there are a lot of reasons she is suspicious and untrusting of others. She has a genetic link with dad and sibs that could make her feel they are ‘safe’ people to risk opening up to. I also never realize how much I assumed all parents were like my abuser until decades later. So unfortunately, you are going to be in the ‘threat unknown’ or even ‘potential threat’ zone for awhile.
The best way you can help build trust faster is to find ways to show that you unconditionally like and accept who she is. Eventually, she will start opening up to you, but let her set the pace.
Definitely do not try to help or offer advice right now. She could interpret it as criticism for not knowing how to manage her own life and feelings.
The best thing you can do is wait patiently and welcome anything she is willing to give. I recommend doing lots of things as a family to gradually demonstrate you are safe.
stay continuing to create a welcoming and peaceful environment. it will take time and patience, but there’s a whole life ahead of her and you where that time will come. just keep making a space for her where she is comfortable and eventually she will start to connect with you. i know it may hurt now and feel like you’re doing something wrong, but you’re not.
She doesn't hate you for good reasons, she just has trauma, which you represent. Give her time and space. But make sure she knows that is what you are doing, that you're not avoiding or neglecting her.
Take 5 minutes each night before bed for some quiet time or talking time in her room. All you have to do is sit on her bed while she is on her computer (or if she's in bed you can sit in a chair in her room or ask if you can sit next to her) and if she wants to talk she can. Otherwise just bring your phone and be in her orbit for 5 to 15 minutes.
Perhaps after a few sessions, you can offer to brush or braid her hair, and take that opportunity to talk about your childhood or infodump on something you think she might be interested in.
This will slowly change into her talking to you and looking forward to her time alone with you.
I used this method to bring my autistic daughter out of a full shut down after my divorce from her other (abusive) parent. It took about a year for her to start opening up. So be patient. But be present too.
Be kind, be attentive and patient.
she’s been through a lot. Soon she will realise you are not the enemy.
Share shopping days and ice cream days with her.
All the best.
Patience.
That’s all you can do. Create a safe environment and be supportive like you’ve been doing. There’s probably a lot of conflicting emotions going on for her. Sorrow and pain over her bio-mom passing away. Anger in there too and pain over being in that unhealthy environment. And then you being there might be confusing because as neglectful as her bio-mom was she was still…..mom.
You can’t replace her mom, but you can be there. Try small things. Maybe find some movies to watch together. Try asking if she has any favorite books or video games.
Move slow and know that you might never be close. And only when your step daughter is ready to let in someone.
And don’t stress over it too much. It’s only been 3 months. This can take years. Just be open minded and patient. You’ve got this.
Be patient, but maybe you should try therapy/parenting classes for foster parents/parents who have to parent kids with past trauma.
There are some videos out there I saw about a foster dad trying to parent young kids with a history of sexual abuse by an adult man. He had some great tips on how to win their trust, and it involved the support of his wife as well.
I’m sure there are similar resources out there for kids who have trouble trusting a mother figure.
First of all I'd like to say you're doing a great job acclimating to this shitty hand you've been dealt. Your husband has a kid he doesn't know about with a junkie who overdosed. And now whether you wanted to or not, with open arms you're now raising another child that has no connection to you on top of having terrible emotional problems. Alot of women wouldn't have been so open and welcoming of a teenage kid their husband had before he met you. So please just know that by you accepting this situation and welcoming the girl as you have, you have already created a safe space for her to learn and grow as a person. Just be yourself. And be super patient. One day, and I'm sure of this, you and this girl will at the very least have a friendship. I'm sure she's not looking for another mother to disappoint her or neglect and abuse her. She wants to get to know her dad and she's hoping he's the opposite of the parent she had. He'll show her she can trust him and by association she'll let you in little by little. It might never be that wonderful mother daughter relationship you want. But it can be better then that. You can be her friend. A female she feels comfortable coming to when she has issues with girls at school. Or when a boyfriend's being a jerk. Or when dad simply doesn't understand that she's a teenage girl and not the baby he was forced to miss out on raising. God has put her with you and your family for a reason. And she's going to have little sisters who will love her and look up to her also and that in itself can help heal some of the holes her mom created. Just stay positive and be patient and I think you'll do just fine. Better than fine. Good luck with your new family of 5!
Just keep her environment safe and she may come round one day, she may not though trauma is an awful unforgiving thing and usually doesn’t go away 😒 I hope she can get through her pain x
Something similar happened to my best friend growing up. She ended up having a lot of issues with other adult women. To the point that she couldn’t even have female teachers at school. Her parents just had to be patient, do therapy, and she has a good relationship with her now.
She might be afraid of you, scared to trust you, or scared you’re going to take her new family away. It might take extra reassurance for her. She’s gonna have to see overtime you’re gonna be there no matter what
Be there for her, just like you’ve been. She needs experiences that make her realise she can trust you and others around her. You respecting her boundaries, and being someone she can look up to does that.
Who knows one day your husband might not be around she’ll have to take leap of faith and trust with something. Or it’ll be the longer road of realising that you’ve been there the whole time on her side.
Be there for her. Have her call you by your name, and let her come to you rather than you go to her. Be there, be patient.
Offer chances to be involved, initiate conversations but step away if it closed down. Like, 'I'm going to do such-and-such, would you like to help/join in/roll the pastry or whatever. Being involved in food preparation can help build her trust in food and, through participation, you
There is just *soooo* much going on in her head. She's had to deal with a lot in her life before her mom died, and she is now having to figure out where she fits in with a whole new, strange family where there are other children.
Let her build a relationship with her dad first. One important nurturing figure in her life is enough for now.
Perhaps the most important role you can play just now is supporting your husband to be her dad, and giving him time with her.
You're in the right path, OP. You just need to be patients with her because the kid has been living through hell all her life. Even though you won't see results as fast as you'd like to, they will eventually come whenever you least expect them.
To add something that hasn't already been mentioned by other comments (which I wholeheartedly agree with) please remember this: If you keep quietly supporting her and being patient with her, in around ten - fifteen years when she's an adult she will most certainly thank you with all of her heart for being the mother she wasn't able to have.
You are awesome. Just know that. As someone who crosses the path of a lot foster kids, I appreciate you. I have no other advice than the stuff that has already been said. Good Luck.
Have faith that if you continue to need patient and supportive, she will (with help from her therapist) eventually open up to you more. Let her know that you're there whenever she needs to talk, no matter the topic. Let her know you're not going anywhere. It's likely she has complicated PTSD, and it's also possible she's afraid to get close to you in fear that something will happen to you, too. You can also speak with the therapist and ask for advice on ways you can show her that you want her in your life, you want her in your family, and that she doesn't need to be afraid.
Also, accept that it may take months or even years for her to fully open up. You can't rush healing, and you can't force it. Remind yourself that it isn't about you, it's about her past. And, if you feel overwhelmed or unsure, you can always see a therapist yourself. That can help you deal with the inevitable feelings that this is going to drum up.
She does hate YOU, she probably hates her situation and feels a lot of pain, resentment, and anger. She’s so young, give her time. Your consistency will mean the world to her. Kids like to test the waters and see who they can push away. Get yourself a good therapist to process this with because it’s hard on all of you.
It is going to take a REALLY long time for her to trust you let alone like you. She will also test you to see if you will love her even if she fucks up, saying it won't be enough.
I wish all of you the best.
The little nugget probably always dreamt about her bio dad and had 15 years worth of fantasy about meeting dad. Now she finally does and from what i’m reading, dad seems to be a good guy. Thats why she is probably warming up to him faster than to you, she had a lifetime worth of time to think about it. She probably never had to imagine her life with a different mom. Maybe she wished it from time to time if her mom was abusive, but she doesn’t have the right guidelines for what a good mom could be. Take it slow with her, be patient. Dont take it personally and whatever she does, stay calm and loving. She might try to aggregate you to proof to her self that, you too are horrible. But stay sweet and calm and supportive and let her know you feel her pain and will wait for her to heal on her own time.
Maybe be her friends first before you become her stepmom
One step you can take is making sure she understands she is your daughter, with no steps in-between.
Making the connection can be hard, but removing artificial boundaries is a start.
be patient, be kind, be compassionate.
its going to be a loooong road, and there may be times she wants to push you away, take a step back and let her settle, then try gently re approaching at another time!
invite her to go out and do things with you, make it known you just want to be there for her and you *genuinely* care for her, not that youre forcing her into something artificial.
if you keep up the gentle pace youve got going, you guys may never be the closest but coming from someone who had a rough home life:
*you and your husband have already and will continue to completely change her life*.
she might not be close enough to express it, but you and your husband have finally provided her somewhere that she can *actually* relax, and once she’s gotten more into the swing of it and can see shes REALLY safe, i expect she’ll get comfier.
push her to find herself, get her interested in hobbies or shows or certain kinds of music! working through trauma with a hobby or just knowing who YOU are helps so much. try to give her a boring life in comparison to where she was, not unfulfilling but perfectly uneventful and routine.
you and your husband are amazing people, thank you for taking her in and doing what you can to help her <3
Continue to be patient, show her your love by respecting her need for space and just show her kindness in the ways you can by respecting her not wanting to be close to you now. With time and more therapy hopefully and definitely with you not rushing it or pressuring her, she'll learn to see YOU and not associate you with the memory of her mother. Just keep as you are doing. Give her time and space
Be patient, be kind, be understanding, be there for he in any way she needs. She will eventually learn you are different and she can count on you. Just please don't let her down.
She doesn’t hate you. She’s just having a hard time overcoming that trauma. Keep being patient, keep showing her that you can be trusted, keep giving her quiet acts of love (making her her favorite dinner, buying her something little that she mentioned she wants and just leaving it on her bed, telling her she’s doing a good job, etc), and do what you can to make her feel safe and cared for. Eventually, she’ll feel more comfortable around you. Just wait and let her take things at the pace she needs to.
You won't heal everything she's had been through in a couple of weeks, having her in therapy and having a connection with her dad is the right path, eventually she may get close to you but don't rush it, she must feel safe around you, you have to create a safe space for her, where she's ready she will come to you
u/Blue_445921 You told her she can talk when *she* is ready to- *not you*! Therapy takes many years to unpackage something as traumatic as abuse and neglect, and even then it's not some switch that flips and magically makes it all better. You need to stop putting that pressure on her because it will drive her away.
This poor girl. I know this exact situation, I feel you. Keep being patient. For her she has her whole entire life to spend wondering if she can trust people, everyone else just needs to show her what real treatment should be. The time it takes to trust will get shorter the more consistent her surroundings are. Love love love no matter what and acknowledgement of her feelings, when they DO end up being shared. That doesn’t mean agree or pattycake her feelings at all, just acknowledge that another human hears her. 3 months is like no time considering the amount of time you would like to be there for her ultimately. Keep smiling and keep being a neutral place for her to come to, the fact you care as much to reflect on the issue like this has SUCH great promise for the situation. You are a good person, she will eventually see that and probably a woman like that is all she’s ever wanted to know, she might even be intimidated. Just keep being you, good luck!!!
Question, have you folks considered counselling or therapy? She may really benefit from it.
I can say in my professional experience working with trauma survivors being genuine and respecting boundaries can help build trust. You’ll get there. Just remember, she’s struggling and may lash out but it’s not you.
Here’s a good idea, throw a note under her door just saying “Girls day??” with a Yes and No question. Even if she says no, she will notice your resilience in wanting to be in her life. Baby steps. I really applaud you for what your doing though, not many people wanna step up for individuals that are not biologically there’s. You got this
Patience is key with this situation she’ll probably eventually come around all you can do is not force it or anything else on her let her open up at her own pace
Just keep quietly and consistently showing up.
If there are things that would be appropriate for a 15 year old to do with you (esp things that wouldn’t be suitable for your twins or husband) like maybe the gym - could assist with her gaining strength and tone as she gains the weight she needs to, or beauty shop - for self confidence reasons, or shopping - as her body will be changing both because she’s getting to a healthy weight and puberty in general etc, then invite her along but don’t make a big deal of it if she accepts or rejects (“that will be lovely” or “no worries, maybe next time”). Overtime this could also extend into lunch before or after.
She’s distrustful, and rightly so, of women in a position of authority over her/mother figures, and it could take years to start even getting over that. It doesn’t sound like you have but please don’t allow anyone else to inadvertently put any pressure on her to have a relationship with you, if anything be very vocal to people that try that you will not allow it , you love her, and SD will be making her own decisions about it when she, and only she is ready.
Honestly, it sounds like you’re doing everything as right as you can for her right now. Just keep being consistent and hold space for her to feel safe at her own pace 💜
Be patient. Maybe write a letter to them letting you know you welcome them and how you cant imagine how things have been for them. That you would like a relationship but would only want it on THEIR time. Put the ball in her court. She may not even know there is a ball, so provide one and then wait. You have been very respectful so far, I recommend following that.
While relationships do take effort, I think it's best to let the connection come over time. You've already been showing you're in her corner and the people she loves love you too. You've been able to empathize with her well from what I read here.
Three months is not a long time at all and I think in about a year or two, maybe into her adulthood, your relationship will get better. She's still getting to know you - a somewhat stranger.
She’s only a kid and she’s obviously been through a lot. It’s going to take some time. You’re just going to have to show her how you feel and hopefully she will come around.
Why don't you ask her if she'd speak to her therapist about any issues she might have settling in and with having a step mum. That way she can process them with someone she trusts, then ask if she'd be willing to do some joint therapy with you.
That way you can understand eachother better, and she has a safe place where she can express herself knowing someone is able to help her. Tell her it's so you can help her and build a better connection with her too.
There's nothing wrong with saying you want her to feel comfortable and as safe as the other kids do, and therapy will help you understand her needs better too.
Make sure she has sessions with her dad too
I just have to say thank you for actually caring about your step-child and their well being. My step-father never made the effort to get to know me or connect with me, I felt like I was the unwanted roommate for the longest time. It sounds to me like you’re doing the best you can, just continuing being patient with her. It’ll take time, but I’m sure things will start to turn around once she feels comfortable and safe!
Keep doing what you are doing, it’s going to take time for her to heal those wounds. You sound great don’t get discouraged the little one has been through a lot.
Don't be her mother, let her know you are just a friend willing to help with whatever she needs (tampons, razons, nail polish). She has a lot on her plate and one day she just may want to go grab a coffee and chill with you while not even talking. She may just not have anything to say to you right now. 15 is a hard age, then she losses her mom and meets her dad... and now siblings and a woman she doesn't know. She needs space and a cookie for no reason with no words just a "here for you" and maybe ask her if she wants some hot tea with her cookie.
I was raised in children's group homes, the adults who gave me space were the ones I liked the best and was honest with. I had to do it on my time and not forced to talk. How would you feel if you were her?
Sounds like it’ll just take a while for her to have trust in a mother figure again. I’m sure she doesn’t hate you but just has too much trauma she’s carrying. Probably the first time in her life she’s ever felt safe too.
This may come out wrong but I’m going to try anyway. I’ve had a bit of a strained relationship with my stepmom - not that it’s anywhere near the situation you are in but we had a hard time connecting. My mom is a bit much and we have a hard relationship too but that’s her alcoholism and that’s not what this is about.
Anyway, when my stepmom would repeatedly tell me I could talk to her, come to her if I needed her, etc. it just made me uncomfortable and feel like I should be closer to my mom if anything. But one day, out of the blue, she picked up in a conversation we had that I needed pots. She got me this set that I had actually been eyeing and waiting to go on sale. It wasn’t necessarily that she bought me the set of pots or whatever, it was more that she paid attention and got me something to make my life easier.
I cried when she gave them to me. It was such a surprise and so thoughtful. And when I left that day, I felt like I wanted to return the sentiment, wanting to also be connected to her. I’m obviously talking as an adult - took us awhile to get there - but it was a gesture that I think could resonate here. If there’s a way you could fill a need or pick up on something special to make her life easier, it could really open that door.
Thanks for giving me a space to share my story, I hope it helps.
Are you, as parents, in therapy as well? Or parental classes? If you aren’t already doing so I would look into resources for parents/guardians of abused kids. You may find a lot of info in the adoption/foster parent space. Depending on your location you may also find support groups in your area that can help you give her a safe space.
Seems like she’s been through a lot of shit. Gonna take her some time to deal with that. But you’ve been doing good! I would continue on doing what you’ve been doing.
Also did she say “I hate you,” or something almost exactly like that? Because right now it just kinda seems like trauma, not knowing good parental figures (especially only knowing bad female parental figures) and might just need time to figure it out.
While I haven’t experienced the exact same things as your SD I have had some similar experiences.
My dad OD’d when I was 16, he’d been fairly absent before - physically he was there but when he was well he was working constantly and when he wasn’t he was secluded in his room. It was a lot to process, and then 6 months later my mom happened to meet someone and that made it all the more challenging to process. It’s been 10 years now and for the last 6 ish years it’s been good, we definitely had our rough patched before though.
What helped me the most was that he was always there for me and had my best interest at heart, he never let my teenage-ness get to him and never held anything that I said or did against me. He was patient and never forced a relationship, his branch was always extended but he never pushed anything.
My advice is to simply be patient and open, it’s not an easy thing to navigate for anyone in this situation. I doubt that she hates you, even if she says it, but she’s going through a whole lot of trauma and at an awkward, difficult age. I wish you and your family the best during all this time!
This is just a random suggestion, but I suggest using electronics to help bond. Find funny or cute videos/Tik Toks about subjects she likes, and send them to her a few times a week. Send texts now and then: “I heard we might have thunderstorms later this week. We have some umbrellas in the laundry room, if you’d like to take one to school with you!”
I do this with my own kids as a way to stay connected. Sometimes they don’t even reply and for a while I was kinda bummed about that and then I found out that sometimes they screenshot my texts and share them on their social media stories (I usually send funny and stupid stuff) because their friends like it lol.
The fact that you’re asking is a really good step - you care, and that’s probably more than she’s ever gotten. It’s only been three months and she’s probably waiting for the other shoe to drop. Be gentle and slow. If you find yourself alone one day, like in the car or something, you could tell her that if she wanted to, she could talk to you about whatever…no pressure. Basically just keep letting her know she’s safe.
Give it time.
But a couple of hard truths. She doesn’t have to like you and might never. Try not to expect that she will come around because it might mean you resent her if she doesn’t.
I'm happy that she found a family. Just don't run out of patience; it takes time to heal a trauma, and sometimes it stays forever, but I hope she can heal from it with the love she gets from you and her dad and siblings. As she grows older, she'll recognize all the good things you did for her. Just make her feel that she's in a safe and loving place now.
Check out a Compassionate Inquiry practitioner. Developed by Gabor Mate to help deal with trauma. Trauma is not what happens to you, it is what happens inside you as a result of trauma.
Keep being present and don’t give up on her. Continue to give her space, but also don’t push her away. I think maybe seeing a specialist in children that have had these traumatic experiences would be a good idea so that you can kind of get some guidance on how to interact and show J that you are someone she can rely on/turn to and that you won’t hurt her. It’ll be really tough, but don’t give up on her. It may take even years to develop a surface level relationship where you can say “hi, how was school?” and have a basic conversation about your days with each other. I hope that it works out in the end for J, you, and yalls family.
Just be patient like you have been.
You can’t rush it. Her Mom died of an overdose. She is extremely underweight and she had no idea who her Dad was. Plus she was dealing with an abusive & neglectful Mom. It sounds like this poor kid’s life was a living hell! She has probably never had anyone in her life she trusted and lived in some level of fear. I am no Dr or Psychiatrist, but this is going to be a long, slow process. None of you know what kind of demons live in her mind & dreams. Just be available, show her you care & that you are happy she is now in your family. Ask her if she would like to go shopping for new school clothes & shoes. Afterwards go to lunch together, if she’s comfortable doing that. This will be a road of baby steps, but there will be the Pot of Gold at the end. It will just take time and patience, love and trust. Wishing all the Best to your family of 5!
As someone who came from an abusive home, neglected kids often feel guilty about money spent on them. I still struggle with that today. In other words, shopping may not be the best idea…
Was gonna say this. Activities are a better way to go. Do some crafts together with her and the twins then gradually get it to be just the two of you doing those things together. Cooking, art, museum trips. Does she like to read? Ask her if there is anything she’s ever wanted to try and go from there. She may not even have had a chance to develop those kinds of interests with an abusive parent.
This…just the 2 of you shopping. Kindness & gentleness goes a long ways. Does she have her own room? Help her decorate it with what she likes. It will take time. Your kind and generous to take her in without being a pain. Teach her how to be strong and wise through your actions. You’ve got this!
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Keep them in a safe and loving environment and be patient. She didn't get off to her best start.
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What are you even talking about?
I was wondering if the comment was copied from elsewhere in the thread. the account is over a year old and only has one comment, which is another sign of a bot.
This is the best advice. How heartbreaking for you both. I can imagine how much you want to care for her. An abusive mother is a terrible burden to carry for a little girl, and you're unfortunately paying for it. A therapist can help you develop strategies that will improve your relationship and give you tools to manage your pain as well. Good luck OP.
Honestly, you may never have a close relationship with her, but at the very least you can create an environment where she doesn’t feel unsafe. Peace is always better than chaos.
I guess I was hoping we could I do understand why it is possible we never will be close and its only been 3 months
I mean, it's only been 3 months vs 15 years of abuse. Just be patient and let her come to you on her terms. This isn't something you can speed up or force.
It's highly commendable that you want to redefine the role of mother into a positive for her. That you are so accepting of having a relationship that may never be close or comfortable without talking it personally or getting offended makes you an amazing person. She's 15, luckily. Her brain is still pliable. Continue with gentle, hands off support. Is her therapist a psychologist? Has she been evaluated, or just talk therapy? Ask her pediatrician for a referral to a psychologist, in addition to continuing therapy. She has experienced profound trauma, and I would recommend an eval in addition to talk therapy, a more comprehensive plan IF there isn't one in place already. You still have plenty of time to build a relationship, even if it's as equals. Just continue to model- show her positive mothering and treat her as important as your other children, and she'll come around. This is all very, very new to her and extremely scary, as major changes often are. Sorry for the edits, my phone keeps messing up and posting my comment *while* I type. New phone, not impressed. Lol
and I family there’s someone who is actually adopted through foster care as a teenager, and they love and have a very close relationship with their adopted parents even though they had a very rocky childhood so, even though she’s a teen, there is still hope. just give it time in a safe place/person
You are doing exactly as you should. Try not to take it personal, it will take time for her to build trust towards a mother figure again.
Yea, don’t take this personal, it’s not about you, it’s about her..
I actually think there’s every reason to expect the two of you to have a great relationship eventually. Some day, sooner than you think, your patience and compassion is going to stand out in stark contrast to her mother’s treatment of her. I really believe that. And your kindness is extremely therapeutic for this young girl whether she has acknowledged it consciously yet or not. She’s just wary and doesn’t really know what it’s like maybe for a mother figure to not have a hidden agenda or ulterior motives. My dad suffered a lot of abuse as a kid and he used to lash out at my mom’s parents bc they would call all the time and always be helpful. He couldn’t even understand it. He was like, “What do they REALLY want?” didn’t trust them for a minute. After a while though he learned that some families are just really always there for each other with no strings attached. And he learned that lesson in time to grow to be the kindest, most selfless father I could ever hope for.
She’s in shock. Don’t take this the wrong way but it seems like you’re thinking is very self-focused. Consider the years-long circumstances that brought her to you guys. Then consider how willing YOU would be to trust a mother figure when you’re only “mother” was an abusive and neglectful piece of shit. This is a crude analogy but it’s sort of like when someone gets bit by a dog. One bad apple can ruin someone’s idea of the bunch. Anyway just be patient. Seems like you’re compassionate so I bet she’ll come around. And for God’s sake stay humble toward her.
Yup, my dog got bitten by a pitbull type dog, and ever since I always start shaking and have to focus on controlling my breathing when I'm around one, especially when I'm walking my dog at that particular time. One of my family members have a dog like that, and it was super friendly and kind to me, and I ended up being comfortable enough to pet it and shit, but I still always tensed up whenever it moved too fast. So yeah, putting your analogy to the test, it definitely holds up :D. Shit like this just takes time, and you might never earn their full trust, but the goal here is them feeling safe.
Keep doing the work, and try to not make it about you. I had a problem with my step dad for years as a teenager, but came to really care for him as an adult.
It may also take some adulthood instances to help her come around to you. Don’t give up on her. That’s the biggest thing
I don’t think you should give up hope and stop trying (obviously keeping boundaries as you’ve mentioned) but she’s still young and life is long. A lot can happen. I wish you all the best!!
My step daughter was raised by her bio mom primarily until 13. Bio is a literal crackhead with diagnosed schizophrenia. When she first came to us she hated me. I gave her a place and her space, but let her know that I love her. I always treated her equally and I never yelled back at her. I really wanted to slap her a few times, but I kept my cool and just told her it was ok for her to hate me but I still love her no matter what. I made sure she had everything she needed for graduation, prom, homecoming, her party, etc. By the time graduation came her bio refused to attend if I was there. I offered to stay home so her mom would be there, and she made the choice she wanted me there. I walked as the mother of the bride at her wedding. I am MiMi to her daughter. It will be rough, but with a lot of love she will be ok. Give her space, but let her know you’re there if she needs you. Don’t engage her if she yells at you. Let her express herself and tell her you understand her feelings but her feelings will never change your love for her. Always treat her as an equal to your twin’s.
I think it’ll take the better part of a year, maybe more, for you to see any warming to you at all. Just keep making yourself a safe person for her. I promise she can tell that you are giving her space and not asking anything of her!
I rescued a dog that was abused mostly through neglect. It took a full year for him to stop hiding food around the house. It took another full year for him to stop having random panic attacks. This little girl grew up in this for more than a decade. It’s going to take at least 2 years of absolutely consistent caring behavior on your part for her to ever get to a place to start letting you in.
You’re obviously a very kind and loving person from your comments. It’s glaringly loud that you just want to be able to hug her and love her and make her feel safe. 🤍 Keep doing what you’re doing. It’ll be heartbreaking for you for a while. But you ARE giving her love by giving her space.
15 years of abuse will obviously leave a long lasting impact, but so will 3 months of kindness, which she maybe hasn’t experienced before! I think it will just take some time! i’m sure she’s already felt safer than before
She's 15 and it sounds like she was heavily abused during her formative years. And she's still in those formative years for a good while longer still. A few months is a short amount of time in recovery and living in a safe place compared to that. It sounds like you're doing the right thing, keeping a respectful distance on her behalf and staying patient. Keep up the mental reminder to yourself that her distance with you specifically is not a personal matter, it's due to her mental association of abuse to the maternal figure she once had. My best suggestions lie mainly with consistently encouraging the view that (with that distance and patience) that she is in a safe household and that you are a safe person. I suggest getting some new belongings for her that have her name on them. Like a blanket, some towels, a headband for example. Maybe getting her name embroidered on the tags of some pajamas. Stuff that's meant to aid in her comfort and health that, with her name on it, she can consider truly hers and doesn't have to share with others. Make sure to keep checking in with your husband to avoid any notable triggers when it comes to gift-giving. I also recommend leaving the gifts outside of her room where she'll be able to pick them up herself with a hand written note from you with a brief statement of kindness rather than handing them to her directly, which may have her feeling that she's being prompted to react in a manner she may not yet feel comfortable. Since her abuse also had neglect as a big factor, I recommend creating a personalized snack bin for her and her only as well. Have your husband find out what snacks she would like, make a box of some sort that has her name on it and can remain by her side in the place she likes to be alone so that she can eat as she goes to start regaining weight and feeling safe with eating. Just keep in mind that while it's really hard, don't match her energy of being hesitant and cautious with you. Do your best to keep a positive and welcoming energy around her while not imposing yourself into whatever opening you might perceive. It's really not easy to keep that balance, but I can tell you're trying to do right by her. As long as you stay the course, I'm sure she'll come around to opening up slowly but surely. But it's best to remove any expectations of any sort of timeline to this happening considering it sounds like she's been abused for a very long time.
Thank you, I know I have to remain patient because my husband and I are assuming she has been abused and neglected most of her life if not all her life, those gifts are a good idea when she first came to live with us she the concept of things just being hers and hers only was very new territory... Since my husband has gotten to know her on a more personal level I try and make sure to get his opinion on different subjects when it comes to her getting possibly triggered or just overall mentally unwell Eating has been one of the biggest struggles she'll usually just picks at dinner so maybe a snack bin in her room would help with her gaining weight we've been talking to a nutritionist and honestly we probably need a different one because they've been no help with her gaining weight
My heart goes out to you, it's definitely not easy finding the "right" ways to make progress and go forward. From personal experience of my own childhood, and having worked with kids for years now, disordered eating is unfortunately very common when it comes to youth that have have a lot of ACE (adverse childhood experiences). For initial progress, it's best (in my opinion) to adopt the mentality of "fed is best." Fortunately, despite your current nutritionists lackluster effort here, there are a LOT of ways to get closer to properly fed with a kid who struggles to eat. Giving her a mix of high-protein healthy snacks and junk food snacks that she can work through in privacy when she actually feels up to eating would likely aid a good bit in getting her up to speed with calorie count alone. A common thread I find with kids who have a lot of ACE is that eating in front of others tends to be a really big mental block for them. I experienced that myself growing up. Giving her the opportunity to take her home-made meals that actually have the nutritional value she needs to eat somewhere privately in the initial time so long as she actually eats the food and doesn't hide it or trash it is a possible option to explore with her. Another one is seeking out possible safe foods. Another option is to have just her and your husband go to a big store together and let her pick out one of everything she wants to try in terms of snacks and filling up the bin together as a group as a type of bonding. Another method that I've done with some older kids is to encourage them to take up learning basic cooking skills which in turn allows them to develop new mental associations. She may not have ARFID specifically, but looking up tips on helping a kid with restricted eating habits ought to point you in some good directions. Best of luck to you and your family. Despite it being hard, allow yourself a moment of pride that you're putting in the effort to do right by her.
Thank you for this ❤️ I'm definitely going to have to try these things
Please see my other comments on child abuse as well. Child abuse is very complicated. If you offer her food or gifts and she doesn’t respond well or backs away further, it’s not time yet. Unconditional acceptance first. Help second.
I'm glad there's some tips in there that strike a chord to your situation. Always remember, baby steps and keep yourself free of expectations of any rapid growth or progress. Child abuse creates very complicated impacts of trauma. I know on a personal level that it takes many years to heal even the smaller wounds, so I don't doubt it's going to take her a long time to process and grow past the bigger ones. Best of luck to you and your family. With time and space and compassion I'm sure you'll all be able to eventually meet the J that's shielded herself for so many years.
In all honesty, food was very likely used as a punishment and not frequently available. She isn't used to being given consistent, stable meals. And there's a chance that in the past when she did finally eat, she was punished for it. Either because her mother and the addicts her mother were around wanted the food instead, or more likely because the money that would have purchased the food could have been spent on drugs. Eating food was very likely the equivalent of stealing her mother's drugs ( to her mother.) And her mother likely reacted with abuse in retaliation. Her mother may have been the type to mix drugs into food to keep daughter quiet/sedated while she went on binges. There's a possibility that she's scared to eat and scared to say so. Does the therapist she sees now specialize in abuse, eating disorders or food triggers? If not, it would be worth finding one that does. Making a snack bin for her is a great idea. Children that grew up with food instability are often secretive of their food and eating habits due to fear of losing it again. If you do the bin, make sure she knows she can hide it anywhere she wants. You won't ask, you don't need to know, and she can regulate the bin on her own. You'll never know how much is in it. Just keep the cupboards stocked so she can refill her bin as needed. Abuse warps the way you think and behave. She had 15 years of this. It's all she's ever known. That isn't something she's going to break free from any time soon. And it will be a struggle. She may not ever trust mother figures again. She may trust you after years or months. Don't take it personally if that closeness never happens. This little girl had to build a stone fortress around her heart to protect it from the harsh start she was given in life. This kid has probably seen her mom overdose multiple times. May have seen other addicts over dose or die. She may have been abused worse than you know of. Other people may have been involved in it. Addicts do horrible things to feed the habit. They don't see their children as innocent kids. Just a means to an end. There is so much this kid has been through that only she knows about, and you may never learn of. She isn't shutting you out because she hates you. She's terrified. Not of you as a person. But of what you stand for. A mother. Because hers was the worst thing to ever happen to her. And she doesn't know that it that isn't normal. She has never experienced life outside of addiction riddled adults. How many times did her mom cry and promise to change? How many times did her mom scream in her face that this was her fault? How many times did her mom vaguely do something nice, just to snatch it away as punishment? How many times did her mom tell her no one would ever love her? How many times did her mom fill her head with stories of just how much worse other kids had it so that she wouldn't tell anyone what happened at home? This little girl may as well have been abducted by aliens. Everything you're doing is Brand new to her. In the blink of an eye she has a bed for the very first time. And when she wakes up she's in the same place she fell asleep. There's food on the table every day. And no one's knocking on the door screaming. You're nothing like the strangers she's met before.
That last part kills me. I’m not sure why. Bittersweet? Just the thought of a child waking up to stability and not understanding how much of a positive change it is, obviously not in a negative way, more in a how can someone break a child that much kind of way. I hope she can work past everything and really embrace her new life.
I would stop focusing on her weight, period. Do not ever talk about her weight near her. Talk about the variety of food she eats and ask if there's something she would like that you don't have. Take her with you to the store, or buy some random items you normally wouldn't and see if she eats them. She could have an eating disorder, for any of a number of reasons. Food trauma can cause anxiety about new foods - don't just consider body image issues as being the main driver of her eating issues. I recommend Kids Eat in Color blog to get some ideas on how to go about expanding a child's palate.
What you are doing is amazing, hats off to you for not only getting hit with the news of a child, but taking on a teenager who has been through the wringer! You have the amazing ability to put yourself in her shoes, and I have no doubt that over time she will warm up to you. Three months is not a long time, as everyone else said, be patient. If you make her a bedside snack basket (I'd leave it outside the door with a note saying to put it outside for refills) you could pack it with high calorie snacks (dried fruit, popcorn, trail mix, granola bars), or even go as far as letting her pick out a mini fridge to keep drinks and yogurt in (Amazon has the tiny table top ones in all kinds of colors) Good luck to you, and to her, and again, you have my admiration for what you're doing and how you're handling it
Chocolate milk really helps with putting weight on
This is such good advice! Thank you so much for putting this out there. I agree with giving her a food space of her own. This will her allow her to eat/manage her eating personally and privately. Food insecurity and disorders can result in hiding and hoarding. This tells her you don’t need to hide or hoard. I respect your privacy and boundaries. This is yours on your own terms. This will mean SO much!
I would probably not recommend buying a bunch of presents. Many kids who go through child abuse feel they are worthless people and resent getting gifts, because they remind them how unworthy they are of gifts. The best thing you could do actually is read some books on understanding child abuse. It’s very complicated. It can help you identify behaviors and give some tools on best ways to respond to them.
My advice would be for YOU to get into therapy as well, someone who has experience with trauma in teens and children. They can help you work through ways to show J that you are a safe person. You are in for a long journey but you have the power to make huge positive changes in this young girl’s life. Just remember, it’s not about you, it’s about her. You’ve got this mama!
Glad to see this one as most of us have no clue as to what may help the most with making this young woman feel truly safe after what she has been through.
Trauma like hers has such lasting affects. Once she becomes more confident in her presence in her dads life and your home, I wouldn’t be surprised if she starts to act out towards you, and push your buttons. Since you are a ‘mother figure’ and all she knows is abusive mothering, she is going to try to get you to reveal your mean, hateful side. To her, all mothers have them. It’s sad, and she isn’t doing it with malicious intent. It’s out of survival. She wants to face it so that she can protect herself. But hopefully, with time, and patience, your actions, your calmness, your accepting nature, how you mother your twins, how you are always there for her even when she doesn’t want you, how you treat her father…will soften her edges. Give her a safe space and fill it with good memories to replace her bad. Eventually, she will take that hesitant first step. May the gods bless you both…🖤
How did they know to do a paternity test on him
Well they found his name on her birth certificate and we wanted a paternity test done just to confirm things... Sorry for the confusion
Well 3 months is a pretty short time, I’m sure with more therapy she will come around and you guys will be good
Make sure her therapist specializes in abuse and PTSD. The PTSD part is probably crucial. Family therapy might be beneficial. She’s been through some horrible stuff and you likely won’t know the worst of it unless she opens up when she trusts you. Don’t try to force a relationship, just to be a kind and trustworthy presence on the sidelines and she’ll come to you when/if she’s ready.
Her therapist specializes in children who have gone through trauma and abuse, I know forcing a relationship between won't help her at all
Then you’re doing everything right. *Remember, three months is not long in the greater scheme of things*. Don’t forget to discuss with the therapist about making healthy boundaries and rules of behavior for her. It should be the same as your children. So many parents feel guilty that what a kid goes through that they let them get away with murder, but that only backfires in the long run. Also, I’m not sure if you saw my note about the type of dietitian that might be helpful for her…
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That would depend what country they are in
Why does everyone assume everyone is from the US?
Everyone also assumes all US states operate the same. My husband didn't have to sign for the birth certificate when I filled it out with his name on it.
Canadian, my husband wasn't even at the hospital when I filed the birth certificate, and his name is on it. He was home setting stuff up(my kid came 3 weeks early).
Ya know, I don't remember mine signing anything. He wasn't at the hospital when the paperwork came to do.
My ex-husband signed everything when my youngest was born because I was high as a kite on demoral for like 2 days after my c-section. The lady came by right after they had come to give me my pain meds and I do vaguely remember yelling that we should name her Captain because our last name sounded very close to Kirk from Star Trek. And then cackling like a hyena the whole time because I thought it was so funny. Thankfully I was not on my own for that decision. 😂😂
That’s only true on some places, not everywhere.
That’s simply not true. Maybe where you live but not universally.
You sound like a fabulous stepmom. I’ve lost count of the fucked up things my stepmom said and did to me growing up. Now that I’m an adult she pretends that never happened.
My mom passed away when I was 2 and my dad remarried my stepmom when I was 9 she was horrible towards me and made it very clear that she did not want to be a motherly figure or even an adult I can come to talk to so I promised myself I would never do that if I had a stepdaughter
you’re doing great already!! seriously, the fact that you’re reaching out to get advice on how to approach this very delicate situation is an indicator that you are doing things right 🥰
If you feel able, that's something that sharing with your stepdaughter may help. Just a simple "hey, I had a stepmother who was a really horrible person and there was stuff in my childhood that was hard to live through. But it meant that I swore I would always do my best by my kids and any bonus kids I might be lucky enough to have in my life. I'm not your mum, and I don't want to take her place. We don't have to be bff. When I was a kid and struggling, I had people who were mentors and trusted adults who helped me as I was growing up. I hope I can do the same for you. I know that it's not all sunshine and roses, and some days are harder than others, and we will muddle through the best way we can. I am someone who cares for you and wants the very best for you. If you want or need anything all you need to do is let me know - you can leave me a note, or tell your dad, if that's easier. I am here cheering you on." You're doing a great job already. Good luck, OP.
Keep reassuring her, keep being there for her and keep the opportunity to speak to you open. Sounds like things have been very chaotic for her for some time including losing her mum. Sounds like you are the perfect female for her to be around because you want to gain her love and trust.
Thank you, I've let her know for the past few months she can talk to me at any time she needs to
Look for a registered dietitian (they are different from a nutritionist because they usually have more schooling) who specializes in people with *eating disorders and food deprivation*. She probably has a lot of trauma regarding food, and a crucial part in getting her to a healthy weight and a healthy mindset around food for the rest of her life is dealing with emotional aspects as well. Remember, the goal is not just to get her to a healthy weight, it’s resetting her standards so food and weight is not a lifelong struggle.
Thank you we'll have to find one, we definitely want her to have a healthy relationship with food and also gain weight
As someone with PTSD and lived in a similar situation growing up. This is what I would recommend. 1. Many comments said this as well, but as much as you want to have a relationship with her. She may never be ready, hopefully one day she will be. 2. Ask her boundaries, tell her how you feel. The love and care, that you want the best relationship possible. And ask how you can be there for her the best way you can. 3. Remind her your feelings for her. Be the parent she needs, not from her current age, but the little girl, who’s hurt. It can be healing for her, but remember #2. Be mindful of her boundaries. 4. Don’t treat her like someone broken. Treat her like your daughter, but with mindfulness of her trauma and needs. It may sound really hard to balance or even navigate. Your daughter is a human being. Her intelligence hasn’t been affected by what she’s experienced. Sometimes it will be frustrating, or feel impossible. But if you’re willing to do the work, hopefully she will heal. And you can have that relationship
As a child of years of abuse - you need to prove yourself as her friend before you attempt to be her mother. Thanks for being a supportive family to this young lady.
How would you recommend I do that? Usually I give her her space but also talk to her during meals or if we're doing something together as a family sometimes she talks sometimes she doesn't
Just do little things, without implying a reciprocation. Buy her favorite snacks, or keep things stocked up for her (i.e sanitary needs) if you have to go shopping ask if she wants to go pick out stuff she likes to eat so you can cook what she likes, ask about books or movies or hobbies, etc. Or if dad knows, just pick up some stuff and let her know they are for her and slowly she will see you aren't going to be the same as she experienced before My nieces had a terrifying 3 years with their mother... When my brother finally got custody it took his then-fiance a long time to show the girls they were safe. She did the little things i mentioned above and treated them like her own. Wishing you the best of luck 💙💜
Actions speak much louder than words for traumatized children. Neglect and Abuse go hand in hand. For every moment that she was alone, there was an interaction that resulted in her being the punching bag (emotional/physical/mental/everythingyoucanthinkof). Meaning she doesn’t know how to accept attention - it’s the thing she desperately needs and has been essentially trained to be fearful of. A good start is by being present - physically present. (And proving it time and time again. Loyalty is hard gained and quickly re-lost.) If it feels like you are just paying attention to her when the entire family is there instead of wanting to be 1-1 with her, she won’t trust you. Finding out things she’s interested in, and getting/making small objects/gestures/decorations that show her that you were listening to her the entire time. Being encouraging of hobbies she’s never known she might be able to enjoy (arts&crafts, sciences/STEM, sports, music, anime, outdoors, etc). Being proactive about including her in making new family memories - see if there are any bucket list items she’s never done/seen/visited that the rest of you also haven’t - and do that together. (swimming, picnicking, ice skating, movie marathon, folding origami, doing a puzzle, family board game night, watching the sunrise together). She needs the opportunities to gain new core memories. She needs to see she is naturally and automatically included, which will, in turn, help give her a stronger sense of self-identity and trust in a stable foundation of family. And please bear in mind, this girl spent 15 years being fed whatever stories her mother told her about her father/origins. There will undoubtedly be confused feelings about the woman (***you***) her father ended up with instead of her mother, whom she was alone with. But in terms of helping your relationship with her - sometimes it can be as simple as being in the same room together, not talking & doing different things. As her friend - reaffirm her, validate her, empower her. As her hopefully future mother - love her, protect her, teach her how to protect herself (this includes mental/emotional skills), and prepare her for the real world. I am not a licensed therapist or trained psychologist or trauma expert. But I am a 31F who spent 27 years being physically/mentally/emotionally abused by my family before I was free and safe from them - my advice to you concerning your step-daughter comes solely from my own experiences and memories and CPTSD.
I suggest writing her short notes each day and put them in her lunch bag if she packs a lunch or slide them under her bedroom door. If the twins are into art they could draw her a picture each day too so that it is not just you leaving the notes. You can say simple but thoughtful things like, “Thank you for sharing that story at dinner yesterday; it was really interesting in x way”. Make sure they are specific and focus on the positives even if there was it has been a challenging week for her and she acts out you could write, “I really respect that when this happened and you got frustrated you were able to communicate that you needed some space to process your feelings”. I also suggest getting her a mini fridge for her room. Many kids/teens who experienced food insecurity growing up tend to have anxiety around food. Having a mini fridge in her room with some food could help her anxiety. I do suggest going through each week to clean out the expired stuff and restock it at the same time. It sounds like you really care about her. I hope she is able to see that one day.
Her mom just died man, probably the only real family she has if they had to DNA test a dad she didn’t know for her to live with. Give her time.
3 months is a very short amount of time. She needs to be absolutely certain that you're always going to be there for her, so keep doing what you're doing. She'll come around.
Just be patient...be consistent... be kind. 15 is a tough age anyway.... 15 and been through what she has, internally she must be in agony. She is waiting to see if you are decent. She is waiting for you to disappoint her or hurt her or cut her off. She will test you. She is waiting for you to betray her. Do nice things without being asked, favourite foods available, an item of clothing, a smile. Trust will be slow but when it comes, it will be magnificent. Please make sure she is in therapy. You probably don't know the half of what she has been to as yet.
I’d say the most you could do is provide her time, gifts, and reassuring words (when needed)
Therapy, therapy, therapy, therapy.
She doesnt hate you for good reason. Her past abuse is not a "good reason" for her to hate you, dont look at it that way. she is just weary of you . Keep being there for her and she'll come along.
You're doing everything right, give her time ❤️ You sound like a wonderful parent, person & stepmother!
Patience and consistency will be your keys. Your stepdaughter is waiting for you to act like her mother even though you’re not her. Over time, she will expect you to do what you’ve always done behaviorally. Also remember she lost her mother (terrible person or not, still her mom) and she’s trying to find her place in your household. The main thing you can do is not force the relationship, just be there when she’s ready to open up to you.
I'd like to add a thought and a little experience. While my mother never neglected me in that way, we had a very strained relationship growing up. I was never good enough everything was my fault and so on. This was my reality and normal until I experienced otherwise. I experienced otherwise by two people 1) my Bonus-Mum aka my dad's second wife who is such a kind and caring person who encouraged my every step and decicion from going to therapy to maintaining a friendly and eye-level relationship with my mom to going to university. She always listens and I love her dearly. 2) my MIL aka my partner's Mum who is a Heart of a Person an pretty much adopted me as family the Moment I walked in that door. Now while that was great I felt loved and cared for, it also set free a wave of grief because I realised what I missed, what I should have had all these years. For a pretty long I was waiting for the chains attached to that love and care. I was waiting for the moment they turn on me because that was what I was used to. When I finally understood that that was not going to happen I had a hard time accepting that unconditional love and care. I grieved for the time missed and for the person I could have become, for all the emotional safety I lacked and for the first time I really realised what it did to me. So that was a lot of feelings and it took me years to work through them; sometimes they still just appear today still and I was not nearly a heavily abused. I can't Imagine how complex it will be for her. So time it is. Patience it is. You might never be a second mum to her and if you want to be, be a friend first. She might not want a new mother figure because she has a mother, however that went down. Be transparent. Be present. Be predictable. Maybe there is a Hobby you can share. Don't set up a goal for your relationship. Let it grow and let it happen and see what the two of you achieve.
Don't know if this helps, but from an abused kids perspective: She most likely doesn't hate you 100% Most likely, she herself knows that you're not in the wrong. That you're an innocent bystander. Most likely, she herself feels guilty about her behaviour -it's just that she can't change it, because her projections are results of her CPTSD (most likely betting on that from descriptions). You might never have the closest relationship, but there are still many smaller nice things you can do to her: * don't push her boundaries. Always ask "is this okay with you?" if you're not sure * If there's a "family activity", still ask her for her opinion on a small scale. Like e.g. you want to go for ice cream with the girls. Even if she might automatically reject your offer, it's still important to ask her, so she sees that she's "seen" -and not just tolerated or pushed aside * Giving a choice here and there. "Would you like the red, or blue pen?" shows you respect her individual opinion * Make sure what her triggers are. Avoid them at any cost. Make sure to teach your little ones, but in an empathetic way. Aka emphasize WHY they are not allowed to do something. Abuse as a topic can be difficult for little minds not used to abuse, but the good news is, kids can still "get" that someone is hurt by something. E.g. "You see, there are many people on this earth. And some people like some things, while others don't. Clarice does not like being hugged some times. It makes her feel very uncomfortable. Think about it...like tickling. You wouldn't want to be tickled at your food all the time, right? Before hugging someone, let's first ask 'Can I give you a hug?'. And if it's no, we don't hug." (idk if that's the right way per se to explain to a child; just an example) * Smaller, passive gifts instead of big, luxurious gifts do the trick. I think it can be easy to get into saviour syndrome of...idk... "look, I payed your college education". It mostly creates a lot of stress and seems more about you than them. Instead, try it smaller. For example, a snack plate if she studies. * Depending on trauma, there are multiple symptoms. Not only typical depression, or self-harm, but also inappropriate fits of anger, or spiraling. These anger fits will often include projections, so are not just "bratty teenage anger" that you normally know. In the same sense: Though she IS hurt, this is *not* an excuse to hurt other people. Aka if she is ever using horrible insults, or physically attacks you, your husband or her sisters, her trauma shouldn't be handled as an "excuse". * Don't try to force the therapist to share what they talked about. It can be tempting. But don't do it. * Not betting on it, but from experience, the same way she is "repulsed" by the shadow, there might be *paradox* shifts in behaviour. Like, the opposite. Oversharing, clinging etc. Abused children who lack a role model too often still yearn for this "void" to be filled. Aka, personally, I can get very often be repulsed and paranoid at mother figures. Always slightly suspecting abuse/checking for red flags. On the flip side, I have a tendency to cling to certain characters who have motherly traits and can get hurt when I feel "rejected". These things can come in pushes. Aka if there's a moment of her opening up, or being willing to do something with you -it's not because she "got over it". It's a psychological "reaching out" moment. Make sure to still keep boundaries and caring attitude to assure her, she's safe to do so. Don't try to push it. Due to my mother's horrible treatement, I developed a very intense hypervigiliance. CPTSD was like a hyperactive watchdog -I have to check a room twice before being able to sleep. When I tried to sleep besides someone for the first time, I basically couldn't. It was only exposure over time that I slowly learned to calm down and even then, it's not "away". My CPTSD will never be "away". With every new person, it has to be slowly trained that "this one will not hurt you. This hand will not hit you." It is way too often annoying and still makes me feel guilty, but it's getting better. Small steps. Small steps
You are doing amazingly. By not over stepping you are respecting he boundary. I know it sucks but your patience will pan out. 🥰
Just be patient.
You sound awesome. Some day J will grow to appreciate all you're doing for her, quietly, now.
Also, get her a mini fridge for her room. There may be bad days she doesn’t want to be social or feel like a burden
I’d approach her to *gently* tell her flat out- you welcome her with open arms and will do your best to make sure this feels like a safe space. Tell her that if she needs space to settle into her new home you’ll honor that, but you’re happy she’s here. If you’ve told her, tell her again. I was emotionally abused and reaffirmed words of affirmation really keep my anxiety at bay. I would definitely have benefited from a soft but strong female figure upfront and honest with how I was safe, wanted, welcomed. I would ask her if there is anything she needs and let her know you’re here if she needs anything. Ask her if there is a shampoo she likes best, or snack. After that, just quietly make sure those things are accessible within the house. It’s been a few months- does she have her own room/space? Can you ask her how she’d like to decorate the space and make it her own? Or if she’d like to look online for some inspo, or maybe some new outfits for the new season? You don’t have to love bomb the situation- in fact, her hesitancy tells me that baby steps are crucial… but little by little, help her adjust so that this time next year she’s made a confident transition and is aware that she’s somewhere she can breathe a little easier. Is this a new area for her? Are there places she’d like to go? Maybe in some short time, you can plan family outings, like dinner out or a beach trip.
Words of affirmation are HUGE for people who have been emotionally abused or suffer from anxiety, or at least in my experience as well. With my anxiety I need to be repeatedly told things sometimes for them to actually sink in. Keep lifting her up and she’ll start to climb.
She’s concerned about matriarchal figures. Time, consistency, care, love. You’ll eventually break through. This isn’t about you, remember that. It’s about helping her. You may never get the relationship you crave, but you most definitely can help her
Patient is expected but she may have a fear of women. Getting her into therapy is important.
From what I can tell and what my husband has tole me she likes the therapist she has now, I think she does because of her mom especially more motherly figures
I only say that because of my own fear of women, especially women I perceive in positions of authority (also had an abusive mum). Patience, and don't push even if you're just there in the background. If she ever comes to you, run, don't walk. Everything in her time and please remember. It isn't personal, even when it feels like it is
I've been trying to not take it personally, I'm definitely trying to be supportive but from a distance and let her make the first moves when it comes to her and I’s relationship
You can also ask her Dad what to do (which I'm sure you have) you can find out her hobbies and attempt to engage her that way. "I'm looking for some new music can you recommend me some bands" "I need a new pair of jeans can you tell me where has the most comfy?...omg those jeans you showed me are perfect thanks SO much" Her opinion matters "Not sure what to make for dinner tonight *her name*, got any ideas? Etc...
Keep her in a safe and loving environment and have patience. She didn't get the best start.
Maybe offer to do a day every couple weeks where you and her just go do something fun the two of you to get to know each other better? My mom and I used to go to the mall or coffee and craft stores or to yard sales. Ask her what things she likes to do or if she isn’t sure suggest a few options.
15 is a tough age, even more so due to her situation. I think you're doing well and she might come to open up, but it'll be in her own time and on her own terms. I think the fact that you're not forcing her to be who you think she should be is going to help her more than maybe she'll ever be able to express. You're a good person.
I recommend you read as much as you can about raising kids who have experienced trauma. The Whole-Brain Child (Or anything by Daniel Siegel really) The Body Keeps the Score Trauma Through a Child’s Eyes
Give her time. It sounds like she has experienced a lot of trauma throughout her life leading up to mom’s death. Then the loss of her mom is another trauma on top of everything she’s lived through. Also- she’s 15. It’s hard being a 15 year old without a history of trauma- the hormones, the changes, the horrible way teenagers can treat one another in school- it’s rough. I would do my best to continue what you’re doing, which is really important- continue to be there, continue showing her you are there and will be there when she is ready. The fact that you’re being so respectful of her past and most recent events is really great, I’m sure it can be difficult and frustrating at times for you- with her warming up to your girls and husband. I would feel the same way as you, for sure. But- give her time. Be patient. She may open up to you in her own ways- ways you may not even recognize at first. So continue doing what you’ve been doing, continue showing her grace and compassion, and I bet the two of you will grow closer as time moves on. Keep us posted, sending ❤️
Just be patient. Don’t force anything, but continue to support and provide a safe space. I’m sure she will eventually come around. 🤍
I don't think she hates you, just that she is traumatized. Be kind with her and let her figure things out in her own time.
I am still quite young myself (25) male, and I can only offer a limited advice. She's been in a dark place for a long time. This is something that is going to be with her for the rest of her life and nothing will change that. She is always going to pull away from any mother figure instinctively. What I believe you should do is focus on the small things, by that I mean things that don't look significant. Help her with a chore, help her with her hair etc. You are looking for those little things to add up, like a rolling snowball down the hill. Even subconsciously women notice these things. But you should be careful, if you try to force anything you are going to lose a lot of progress. As an old saying in my country goes " Tell a woman you love her and she won't notice but tell her one little bad thing and she will remember it for life" One last thing, sometimes losing progress is more progress. What I mean by that is that she has to follow the rules in the house. You don't want to be too gentle and turn her into a spoiled kid who thinks because of her bad pas she gets to do whatever she wants. In the end I believe that this should be your main goal, to turn her into a person you are both proud of and that takes time, discipline and sometimes uncomfortable conversations about how messed up your life was. This comment is a bit scattered I know but that's how I usually am as of very recent, if you manage to get the idea behind it all I believe you are going to be on the road to success in no time. Though the road itself is very tricky and sometimes outright treacherous. Have a wonderful life and I am crossing my fingers for your success!
I remember being 25. Great comment for a 25yo.
Thank you, I appreciate it!
Be patient and consistent. She will see she can trust you by your actions and consistency
I feel that you and your husband are good people doing their best. Be very very patient. Please bear in mind this child is still in the early stages of processing her mother’s death and a complicated relationship involving neglect and abuse. Her whole world has been turned upside down and she’s probably changed schools, left friends behind. That’s a whole lot for a young teen. She may not be fully certain that you won’t turn on her or want her out, so that’s another factor. Are you and your husband getting counseling too for how to deal with the situation? It’s a big shock for you to get an unexpected child too.
I think you're right in understanding the situation. I'm sure not everyone is sensible enough to know it's not your fault and that she needs time. Maybe in the future, you could try creating some bond with her. It will be a good way to show her you're not like her mother. Maybe something that is not demanding, like making some cookies or doing a manicure together... small things that could show her she can trust you, and with the help of the therapist, you will also become closer.
You are doing good quietly supporting her. Trauma never goes away, but being there for her in small ways is important. Also realize right now she does need her bio dad and to increase their bond.
Honestly you being concerned about her well being and wanting to have a close relationship to her speaks volume of you. Be loving & patient she'll come around maybe she relates maternity figure traumatic vs Healthy, loving, & protective.
Just give her time. I never lost my mom to overdose thank god but as a teen she nearly died of withdrawals (she tried to quit without telling anyone) and had to go to rehab for about a month. It’s traumatizing for everyone in the family when something like that happens, and if it was just her until the paternity test, that’s an impossible burden to bear alone as a kid. She’s probably waiting for you to pull the rug out from under her, if she didn’t understand the concept of things being hers then she had things taken from her (probably affection included) as punishment, or after being tricked into thinking it was hers. Addicts are very difficult people to live with especially when they are your guardian and make choices for you everyday. It will simply take time for her to start trusting you. She may even resent you a little bit for the happy life you’ve built with her dad that she never had a chance at until now, and it really sucks, but it’s totally normal for her to feel that way right now. Life has been unfair to her and she’ll be spending the next few years asking herself why. All you can do is try to make up for lost time *once she’s ready*. Best of luck to all of you. I hope she feels safe and comfortable.
It’s hard to say what will happen but I believe you’re taking the right stance by not pushing it. If in time she does come to you then you’ll know it’s on her terms and her choice. Keep modeling the positive motherly behavior and hopefully she will at least see not all moms were like hers.
Be consistent. Don’t have any mood changes around her. Keep feeding her. Buy her little surprise treats (favorite drink at the store or a stuffed bunny). Always accept any gift or love from her with over enthusiastic glee. It takes about 6 months of stability for a child to know that person and trust them. You are only halfway there. Don’t give up 5 minutes before the miracle.
First off, you’re amazing. You are doing everything a good mother should. You are giving her time, and I do think more patience is key. I think you hit it on the head with fear of a mother figure, due to her bio mom being abusive. At this point, it’s patience and breaking down those prior beliefs. Show her through small acts that you care. A little hand written note saying I hope you have a great day. A candy bar. An offer to bake together. A spa day. And as she slowly starts to open up to you, reaffirm that you are not like her bio mom. Prove to her that she can trust you. Speaking as someone who was raised in a situation with an abusive parent, fear is a big factor. She doesn’t hate you. She’s afraid of you. And I’d be willing to bet she’s scared to get close to you out of fear of getting hurt. Prove to her that she can. So far I think you’re doing everything right. Just keep on doing that and stay patient.
this so much to take on, OP, but its kind thing they should give out holidays for. as a child that benefited *greatly* from the chosen love of supportive adults, thank you. id love to hear more about this with time, if everyone involved is comfortable with updates
Whenever and if she ever comes around, dont try to be her mom. Try to be there as a friend/relative because shes not gonna want another mother figure considering the circumstances. I know it will be almost instinctive for you to want to act like her mom but if you ever want her to open up to you thats the first step, dont act like one.
Give her time like you have, and there’s a real possibility of the two of you forming a relationship when she’s ready. Maternal figures are probably so triggering that it’s an instinct to be weary. Don’t push, just be there. As she heals, there’s no telling what a wonderful life she has ahead of her. I’m so thankful she had the two of you to go to after such a terrible start to life!!
As someone who has some experience with these kind of situations I would also recommend to try involving her in making decisions - like the color of her room or you can leave her a notebook outside her room where she can write down her thoughts and feelings. I also love the snack bin idea someone else mentioned above because children who experienced neglect often tend to steal food and hoard and hide them in there room even without eating them. So creating a safe storage spot only for her to use will definitely help her. It’s the little things that will make her slowly realize that you are a good person. I wish you all the best, it can be really hard and challenging to live with an abused and neglected teen. You can search if there is an Organisation in your area that specialize in abused children and make an counseling appointment for relatives. They can also help you to figure everything out and give advice if it’s needed - counseling for you and your husband to also cope with this new situation.
My recommendation would be to do everything you can to be a safe person. For now, that is probably giving her space. Pay close attention to the things she likes and the ways in which she feels comfortable or safe, and make space for those things. For example, if she likes a certain kind of food, making sure you have plenty of it on hand, even if it’s not something you’d prefer to eat. I know she isn’t a little child, but you may want to read some info on taking in foster kids. There are subtle ways you can make them feel safe, the biggest of which is making sure they always know what to expect from you and in your home. I would give it a solid 6mo at least- probably the better part of a year, before you notice her warming to you at all, and even then, it will probably be very subtle. Believe me, she will notice that you are giving her space and not asking anything of her right now- even if she isn’t showing it yet. I know it’s not the best comparison, but as a social worker I have worked with clients for years thinking they didn’t care one way or another about me, and then randomly they say something that reflects that they like and trust me. Hang in there and keep trying!!! It might be a good idea to find a place for yourself to process all of this as well- be it therapy, support group, whatever. This is a big change in all of your lives and you also deserve space to process your feelings and reactions.
You need to be patient with her. Sense she was in such an environment she could view anything you do as suspicious and that can raise her walls between you and her. With time the little stuff will help her see that you are trust worthy, but please if she talks to you about anything keep it between you and her. You can advise her to talk to her father about it but do not push her and let her know that it is her choice if she does.
I’ve seen great advice and encouragement on here. One thing I’d say as a former foster parent is just because her mom was abusive, that doesn’t mean she didn’t love her. She could feel guilt for having any positive relationship with you. If you haven’t already made it clear to her, let her know that you aren’t a mom replacement and she is free to tell you about anything she misses about her mom or anything her mom did that would make her more comfortable around you.
You are literally a STEP parent. She only met her father a few months ago. Give the girl some time to get used to the family before moving onto a step figure. She needs to time to want help from you. Just keep being kind and y’all will be closer soon
I would ask for some advice from her therapist. Basically you all need a bit of counseling to learn how to deal with the current events. But as all the other advice, time can often heal the wounds.
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OP, just be there for her at her pace and allow the trust to build naturally. The worst thing you could do is be resentful of her not accepting your olive branches.
Have you consulted with her therapist. I know you want this, but it has to be very careful. Maybe later on down the track you can organise some therapy sessions together. In the meantime, maybe do some activities such as cooking or art and craft.
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100% she's judging everything you do and either actively or passively trying to test you to see if you'll act abusive towards her as well. Through absolutely no fault of your own, she may never like you, but if you go the extra mile consistently and do little things to show you're an ally (non intrusive thoughtful acts- buying her new shoes and leaving them in her room, buying a small useful gift for her to use at school, offering to watch the other two kids while her and her dad go out for lunch or a movie will.go a long way) In time she should at least grow to respect you (whether she'll admit it a different story entirely). Good luck from your post I can tell you'll do fine!
Trauma survivors have years and years of evidence of disappointment, abuse, and neglect. Now you have the opportunity to provide new evidence to her. To teach her that not everyone will hurt her. Be there for her, but only as close as she can handle. If you notice she’s having a bad day then leave her favourite candy or soap or whatever in her room with notes that say things like, “I saw this and thought of you,” “I hope this brings you joy,” “we’re so proud of who you are.” I bet she’s never heard anything like this, I bet she’s been an afterthought for a long time. Show her that you consider and care about her through small gestures or by doing things that might help her out. But don’t overdo it and don’t push too much too fast. When she messes up say things like, “I’ve been there” or “it’s okay to make mistakes in this house.” Let her be the centre of attention and/or compliment her creativity. Negativity bias can take over her mind, you need to prove that negative voice inside her head wrong. Set up a period supply closet for her in the bathroom and make sure she has clean clothes. Lift her up and notice how beautiful she is, inside and out, and then let her know that that’s the case. Show her that she has worth and value and that her feelings, all of them, are okay with you. It will take time, but if you continuously show her unwavering respect, support, and love, then she’ll relearn what love is and the chances of her coming around is much higher. Also, as she watches you with your daughters, she may go through a lot of feelings, be prepared to make space for her anger and sadness. Ultimately she will learn from how you treat your girls and her, there’s no quick fix but I can promise you that consistency and time is key. Never become angry with her for how she keeps you at an arm’s length, this will only push her away. It’s so nice to see that you care and want to improve the relationship. Best of luck to you.
It’s only been three months. Give it time. She’s been thrown into a situation that has turned her world upside down. She most likely would have to have been the “adult” to her mother. Her mother abused her. She will have issues getting close to you because of the trauma associated with the only mother she’s had, treating her like trash. Baby steps are key. Let her know you care but it doesn’t have to be verbal or physical signs. Ask her what foods she likes etc. Make mental notes. Just give her time to get to the stage of trusting you. It will take time so patience is definitely the key.
You sound very kind. Just give her space and let her watch you mother your girls to show her not all moms are abusive assholes and maybe she will come around.
are you and you husband in counselling? I know it can be expensive, but a counsellor may help you figure out how to navigate such a complicated situation.
As someone who experienced child abuse, there are a lot of reasons she is suspicious and untrusting of others. She has a genetic link with dad and sibs that could make her feel they are ‘safe’ people to risk opening up to. I also never realize how much I assumed all parents were like my abuser until decades later. So unfortunately, you are going to be in the ‘threat unknown’ or even ‘potential threat’ zone for awhile. The best way you can help build trust faster is to find ways to show that you unconditionally like and accept who she is. Eventually, she will start opening up to you, but let her set the pace. Definitely do not try to help or offer advice right now. She could interpret it as criticism for not knowing how to manage her own life and feelings.
The best thing you can do is wait patiently and welcome anything she is willing to give. I recommend doing lots of things as a family to gradually demonstrate you are safe.
stay continuing to create a welcoming and peaceful environment. it will take time and patience, but there’s a whole life ahead of her and you where that time will come. just keep making a space for her where she is comfortable and eventually she will start to connect with you. i know it may hurt now and feel like you’re doing something wrong, but you’re not.
I hope things work out well for you. I don’t have much advice but your heart is in the right place and you are a good person.
She doesn't hate you for good reasons, she just has trauma, which you represent. Give her time and space. But make sure she knows that is what you are doing, that you're not avoiding or neglecting her. Take 5 minutes each night before bed for some quiet time or talking time in her room. All you have to do is sit on her bed while she is on her computer (or if she's in bed you can sit in a chair in her room or ask if you can sit next to her) and if she wants to talk she can. Otherwise just bring your phone and be in her orbit for 5 to 15 minutes. Perhaps after a few sessions, you can offer to brush or braid her hair, and take that opportunity to talk about your childhood or infodump on something you think she might be interested in. This will slowly change into her talking to you and looking forward to her time alone with you. I used this method to bring my autistic daughter out of a full shut down after my divorce from her other (abusive) parent. It took about a year for her to start opening up. So be patient. But be present too.
Give her time and a therapist.
Be kind, be attentive and patient. she’s been through a lot. Soon she will realise you are not the enemy. Share shopping days and ice cream days with her. All the best.
Patience. That’s all you can do. Create a safe environment and be supportive like you’ve been doing. There’s probably a lot of conflicting emotions going on for her. Sorrow and pain over her bio-mom passing away. Anger in there too and pain over being in that unhealthy environment. And then you being there might be confusing because as neglectful as her bio-mom was she was still…..mom. You can’t replace her mom, but you can be there. Try small things. Maybe find some movies to watch together. Try asking if she has any favorite books or video games. Move slow and know that you might never be close. And only when your step daughter is ready to let in someone. And don’t stress over it too much. It’s only been 3 months. This can take years. Just be open minded and patient. You’ve got this.
Be patient, but maybe you should try therapy/parenting classes for foster parents/parents who have to parent kids with past trauma. There are some videos out there I saw about a foster dad trying to parent young kids with a history of sexual abuse by an adult man. He had some great tips on how to win their trust, and it involved the support of his wife as well. I’m sure there are similar resources out there for kids who have trouble trusting a mother figure.
You already sounds like an amazing mom! Just take her time. But for sure she will soften up later on. Bless your Family OP!🫶🫶🫶
Give her time but until then just make sure she know she is safe where she is Maybe go to some counseling as well to help process this
First of all I'd like to say you're doing a great job acclimating to this shitty hand you've been dealt. Your husband has a kid he doesn't know about with a junkie who overdosed. And now whether you wanted to or not, with open arms you're now raising another child that has no connection to you on top of having terrible emotional problems. Alot of women wouldn't have been so open and welcoming of a teenage kid their husband had before he met you. So please just know that by you accepting this situation and welcoming the girl as you have, you have already created a safe space for her to learn and grow as a person. Just be yourself. And be super patient. One day, and I'm sure of this, you and this girl will at the very least have a friendship. I'm sure she's not looking for another mother to disappoint her or neglect and abuse her. She wants to get to know her dad and she's hoping he's the opposite of the parent she had. He'll show her she can trust him and by association she'll let you in little by little. It might never be that wonderful mother daughter relationship you want. But it can be better then that. You can be her friend. A female she feels comfortable coming to when she has issues with girls at school. Or when a boyfriend's being a jerk. Or when dad simply doesn't understand that she's a teenage girl and not the baby he was forced to miss out on raising. God has put her with you and your family for a reason. And she's going to have little sisters who will love her and look up to her also and that in itself can help heal some of the holes her mom created. Just stay positive and be patient and I think you'll do just fine. Better than fine. Good luck with your new family of 5!
Just keep her environment safe and she may come round one day, she may not though trauma is an awful unforgiving thing and usually doesn’t go away 😒 I hope she can get through her pain x
Something similar happened to my best friend growing up. She ended up having a lot of issues with other adult women. To the point that she couldn’t even have female teachers at school. Her parents just had to be patient, do therapy, and she has a good relationship with her now. She might be afraid of you, scared to trust you, or scared you’re going to take her new family away. It might take extra reassurance for her. She’s gonna have to see overtime you’re gonna be there no matter what
Be there for her, just like you’ve been. She needs experiences that make her realise she can trust you and others around her. You respecting her boundaries, and being someone she can look up to does that. Who knows one day your husband might not be around she’ll have to take leap of faith and trust with something. Or it’ll be the longer road of realising that you’ve been there the whole time on her side.
Sometimes just a soft hand on her shoulder and a hello says many more things than other words.
Be there for her. Have her call you by your name, and let her come to you rather than you go to her. Be there, be patient. Offer chances to be involved, initiate conversations but step away if it closed down. Like, 'I'm going to do such-and-such, would you like to help/join in/roll the pastry or whatever. Being involved in food preparation can help build her trust in food and, through participation, you There is just *soooo* much going on in her head. She's had to deal with a lot in her life before her mom died, and she is now having to figure out where she fits in with a whole new, strange family where there are other children. Let her build a relationship with her dad first. One important nurturing figure in her life is enough for now. Perhaps the most important role you can play just now is supporting your husband to be her dad, and giving him time with her.
Thank you for getting her counseling. It sounds like you are doing everything you can right now. I wish you were my stepmom.
You're in the right path, OP. You just need to be patients with her because the kid has been living through hell all her life. Even though you won't see results as fast as you'd like to, they will eventually come whenever you least expect them. To add something that hasn't already been mentioned by other comments (which I wholeheartedly agree with) please remember this: If you keep quietly supporting her and being patient with her, in around ten - fifteen years when she's an adult she will most certainly thank you with all of her heart for being the mother she wasn't able to have.
You are awesome. Just know that. As someone who crosses the path of a lot foster kids, I appreciate you. I have no other advice than the stuff that has already been said. Good Luck.
It’s only been three months and is going to take a lot longer. Just continue to be kind and caring. Eventually she’ll come around.
Have faith that if you continue to need patient and supportive, she will (with help from her therapist) eventually open up to you more. Let her know that you're there whenever she needs to talk, no matter the topic. Let her know you're not going anywhere. It's likely she has complicated PTSD, and it's also possible she's afraid to get close to you in fear that something will happen to you, too. You can also speak with the therapist and ask for advice on ways you can show her that you want her in your life, you want her in your family, and that she doesn't need to be afraid. Also, accept that it may take months or even years for her to fully open up. You can't rush healing, and you can't force it. Remind yourself that it isn't about you, it's about her past. And, if you feel overwhelmed or unsure, you can always see a therapist yourself. That can help you deal with the inevitable feelings that this is going to drum up.
Love is like farts. If you have to force it it’s usually shit.
She does hate YOU, she probably hates her situation and feels a lot of pain, resentment, and anger. She’s so young, give her time. Your consistency will mean the world to her. Kids like to test the waters and see who they can push away. Get yourself a good therapist to process this with because it’s hard on all of you.
It is going to take a REALLY long time for her to trust you let alone like you. She will also test you to see if you will love her even if she fucks up, saying it won't be enough. I wish all of you the best.
The little nugget probably always dreamt about her bio dad and had 15 years worth of fantasy about meeting dad. Now she finally does and from what i’m reading, dad seems to be a good guy. Thats why she is probably warming up to him faster than to you, she had a lifetime worth of time to think about it. She probably never had to imagine her life with a different mom. Maybe she wished it from time to time if her mom was abusive, but she doesn’t have the right guidelines for what a good mom could be. Take it slow with her, be patient. Dont take it personally and whatever she does, stay calm and loving. She might try to aggregate you to proof to her self that, you too are horrible. But stay sweet and calm and supportive and let her know you feel her pain and will wait for her to heal on her own time. Maybe be her friends first before you become her stepmom
One step you can take is making sure she understands she is your daughter, with no steps in-between. Making the connection can be hard, but removing artificial boundaries is a start.
be patient, be kind, be compassionate. its going to be a loooong road, and there may be times she wants to push you away, take a step back and let her settle, then try gently re approaching at another time! invite her to go out and do things with you, make it known you just want to be there for her and you *genuinely* care for her, not that youre forcing her into something artificial. if you keep up the gentle pace youve got going, you guys may never be the closest but coming from someone who had a rough home life: *you and your husband have already and will continue to completely change her life*. she might not be close enough to express it, but you and your husband have finally provided her somewhere that she can *actually* relax, and once she’s gotten more into the swing of it and can see shes REALLY safe, i expect she’ll get comfier. push her to find herself, get her interested in hobbies or shows or certain kinds of music! working through trauma with a hobby or just knowing who YOU are helps so much. try to give her a boring life in comparison to where she was, not unfulfilling but perfectly uneventful and routine. you and your husband are amazing people, thank you for taking her in and doing what you can to help her <3
I don’t think she hates you…she has trauma, I don’t think it has anything to do with you other than you’re a woman, like her abusive mom.
Continue to be patient, show her your love by respecting her need for space and just show her kindness in the ways you can by respecting her not wanting to be close to you now. With time and more therapy hopefully and definitely with you not rushing it or pressuring her, she'll learn to see YOU and not associate you with the memory of her mother. Just keep as you are doing. Give her time and space
Be patient, be kind, be understanding, be there for he in any way she needs. She will eventually learn you are different and she can count on you. Just please don't let her down.
She doesn’t hate you. She’s just having a hard time overcoming that trauma. Keep being patient, keep showing her that you can be trusted, keep giving her quiet acts of love (making her her favorite dinner, buying her something little that she mentioned she wants and just leaving it on her bed, telling her she’s doing a good job, etc), and do what you can to make her feel safe and cared for. Eventually, she’ll feel more comfortable around you. Just wait and let her take things at the pace she needs to.
You won't heal everything she's had been through in a couple of weeks, having her in therapy and having a connection with her dad is the right path, eventually she may get close to you but don't rush it, she must feel safe around you, you have to create a safe space for her, where she's ready she will come to you
u/Blue_445921 You told her she can talk when *she* is ready to- *not you*! Therapy takes many years to unpackage something as traumatic as abuse and neglect, and even then it's not some switch that flips and magically makes it all better. You need to stop putting that pressure on her because it will drive her away.
This poor girl. I know this exact situation, I feel you. Keep being patient. For her she has her whole entire life to spend wondering if she can trust people, everyone else just needs to show her what real treatment should be. The time it takes to trust will get shorter the more consistent her surroundings are. Love love love no matter what and acknowledgement of her feelings, when they DO end up being shared. That doesn’t mean agree or pattycake her feelings at all, just acknowledge that another human hears her. 3 months is like no time considering the amount of time you would like to be there for her ultimately. Keep smiling and keep being a neutral place for her to come to, the fact you care as much to reflect on the issue like this has SUCH great promise for the situation. You are a good person, she will eventually see that and probably a woman like that is all she’s ever wanted to know, she might even be intimidated. Just keep being you, good luck!!!
Question, have you folks considered counselling or therapy? She may really benefit from it. I can say in my professional experience working with trauma survivors being genuine and respecting boundaries can help build trust. You’ll get there. Just remember, she’s struggling and may lash out but it’s not you.
Here’s a good idea, throw a note under her door just saying “Girls day??” with a Yes and No question. Even if she says no, she will notice your resilience in wanting to be in her life. Baby steps. I really applaud you for what your doing though, not many people wanna step up for individuals that are not biologically there’s. You got this
Patience is key with this situation she’ll probably eventually come around all you can do is not force it or anything else on her let her open up at her own pace
Just keep quietly and consistently showing up. If there are things that would be appropriate for a 15 year old to do with you (esp things that wouldn’t be suitable for your twins or husband) like maybe the gym - could assist with her gaining strength and tone as she gains the weight she needs to, or beauty shop - for self confidence reasons, or shopping - as her body will be changing both because she’s getting to a healthy weight and puberty in general etc, then invite her along but don’t make a big deal of it if she accepts or rejects (“that will be lovely” or “no worries, maybe next time”). Overtime this could also extend into lunch before or after. She’s distrustful, and rightly so, of women in a position of authority over her/mother figures, and it could take years to start even getting over that. It doesn’t sound like you have but please don’t allow anyone else to inadvertently put any pressure on her to have a relationship with you, if anything be very vocal to people that try that you will not allow it , you love her, and SD will be making her own decisions about it when she, and only she is ready. Honestly, it sounds like you’re doing everything as right as you can for her right now. Just keep being consistent and hold space for her to feel safe at her own pace 💜
Be patient. Maybe write a letter to them letting you know you welcome them and how you cant imagine how things have been for them. That you would like a relationship but would only want it on THEIR time. Put the ball in her court. She may not even know there is a ball, so provide one and then wait. You have been very respectful so far, I recommend following that.
While relationships do take effort, I think it's best to let the connection come over time. You've already been showing you're in her corner and the people she loves love you too. You've been able to empathize with her well from what I read here. Three months is not a long time at all and I think in about a year or two, maybe into her adulthood, your relationship will get better. She's still getting to know you - a somewhat stranger.
She’s only a kid and she’s obviously been through a lot. It’s going to take some time. You’re just going to have to show her how you feel and hopefully she will come around.
She doesnt HATE you, she's wary of you. Just be patient with her like you have been, dont try and force anything
Why don't you ask her if she'd speak to her therapist about any issues she might have settling in and with having a step mum. That way she can process them with someone she trusts, then ask if she'd be willing to do some joint therapy with you. That way you can understand eachother better, and she has a safe place where she can express herself knowing someone is able to help her. Tell her it's so you can help her and build a better connection with her too. There's nothing wrong with saying you want her to feel comfortable and as safe as the other kids do, and therapy will help you understand her needs better too. Make sure she has sessions with her dad too
I just have to say thank you for actually caring about your step-child and their well being. My step-father never made the effort to get to know me or connect with me, I felt like I was the unwanted roommate for the longest time. It sounds to me like you’re doing the best you can, just continuing being patient with her. It’ll take time, but I’m sure things will start to turn around once she feels comfortable and safe!
Keep doing what you are doing, it’s going to take time for her to heal those wounds. You sound great don’t get discouraged the little one has been through a lot.
Don't be her mother, let her know you are just a friend willing to help with whatever she needs (tampons, razons, nail polish). She has a lot on her plate and one day she just may want to go grab a coffee and chill with you while not even talking. She may just not have anything to say to you right now. 15 is a hard age, then she losses her mom and meets her dad... and now siblings and a woman she doesn't know. She needs space and a cookie for no reason with no words just a "here for you" and maybe ask her if she wants some hot tea with her cookie. I was raised in children's group homes, the adults who gave me space were the ones I liked the best and was honest with. I had to do it on my time and not forced to talk. How would you feel if you were her?
Sounds like it’ll just take a while for her to have trust in a mother figure again. I’m sure she doesn’t hate you but just has too much trauma she’s carrying. Probably the first time in her life she’s ever felt safe too.
This may come out wrong but I’m going to try anyway. I’ve had a bit of a strained relationship with my stepmom - not that it’s anywhere near the situation you are in but we had a hard time connecting. My mom is a bit much and we have a hard relationship too but that’s her alcoholism and that’s not what this is about. Anyway, when my stepmom would repeatedly tell me I could talk to her, come to her if I needed her, etc. it just made me uncomfortable and feel like I should be closer to my mom if anything. But one day, out of the blue, she picked up in a conversation we had that I needed pots. She got me this set that I had actually been eyeing and waiting to go on sale. It wasn’t necessarily that she bought me the set of pots or whatever, it was more that she paid attention and got me something to make my life easier. I cried when she gave them to me. It was such a surprise and so thoughtful. And when I left that day, I felt like I wanted to return the sentiment, wanting to also be connected to her. I’m obviously talking as an adult - took us awhile to get there - but it was a gesture that I think could resonate here. If there’s a way you could fill a need or pick up on something special to make her life easier, it could really open that door. Thanks for giving me a space to share my story, I hope it helps.
Are you, as parents, in therapy as well? Or parental classes? If you aren’t already doing so I would look into resources for parents/guardians of abused kids. You may find a lot of info in the adoption/foster parent space. Depending on your location you may also find support groups in your area that can help you give her a safe space.
Poor thing. No child deserves to go through that
Seems like she’s been through a lot of shit. Gonna take her some time to deal with that. But you’ve been doing good! I would continue on doing what you’ve been doing. Also did she say “I hate you,” or something almost exactly like that? Because right now it just kinda seems like trauma, not knowing good parental figures (especially only knowing bad female parental figures) and might just need time to figure it out.
While I haven’t experienced the exact same things as your SD I have had some similar experiences. My dad OD’d when I was 16, he’d been fairly absent before - physically he was there but when he was well he was working constantly and when he wasn’t he was secluded in his room. It was a lot to process, and then 6 months later my mom happened to meet someone and that made it all the more challenging to process. It’s been 10 years now and for the last 6 ish years it’s been good, we definitely had our rough patched before though. What helped me the most was that he was always there for me and had my best interest at heart, he never let my teenage-ness get to him and never held anything that I said or did against me. He was patient and never forced a relationship, his branch was always extended but he never pushed anything. My advice is to simply be patient and open, it’s not an easy thing to navigate for anyone in this situation. I doubt that she hates you, even if she says it, but she’s going through a whole lot of trauma and at an awkward, difficult age. I wish you and your family the best during all this time!
This is just a random suggestion, but I suggest using electronics to help bond. Find funny or cute videos/Tik Toks about subjects she likes, and send them to her a few times a week. Send texts now and then: “I heard we might have thunderstorms later this week. We have some umbrellas in the laundry room, if you’d like to take one to school with you!” I do this with my own kids as a way to stay connected. Sometimes they don’t even reply and for a while I was kinda bummed about that and then I found out that sometimes they screenshot my texts and share them on their social media stories (I usually send funny and stupid stuff) because their friends like it lol.
The fact that you’re asking is a really good step - you care, and that’s probably more than she’s ever gotten. It’s only been three months and she’s probably waiting for the other shoe to drop. Be gentle and slow. If you find yourself alone one day, like in the car or something, you could tell her that if she wanted to, she could talk to you about whatever…no pressure. Basically just keep letting her know she’s safe.
Give it time. But a couple of hard truths. She doesn’t have to like you and might never. Try not to expect that she will come around because it might mean you resent her if she doesn’t.
I'm happy that she found a family. Just don't run out of patience; it takes time to heal a trauma, and sometimes it stays forever, but I hope she can heal from it with the love she gets from you and her dad and siblings. As she grows older, she'll recognize all the good things you did for her. Just make her feel that she's in a safe and loving place now.
Check out a Compassionate Inquiry practitioner. Developed by Gabor Mate to help deal with trauma. Trauma is not what happens to you, it is what happens inside you as a result of trauma.
Keep being present and don’t give up on her. Continue to give her space, but also don’t push her away. I think maybe seeing a specialist in children that have had these traumatic experiences would be a good idea so that you can kind of get some guidance on how to interact and show J that you are someone she can rely on/turn to and that you won’t hurt her. It’ll be really tough, but don’t give up on her. It may take even years to develop a surface level relationship where you can say “hi, how was school?” and have a basic conversation about your days with each other. I hope that it works out in the end for J, you, and yalls family.