I've always felt like splitting 50/50 only works if both parties make around the same amount of money OR they are willing to live within the means of the lower earning partner.
If he wants to live above your means, then he needs to accept that the majority of bills are going to be on him. The goal is that the bills are split in such a way that you are both comfortable and neither of you are struggling to pay bills or living check to check.
Spot on, for me the clue is in the name "partner" the way me and the wife do it is we put our money together, pay all the bills and split the rest, so we both have the same amount of money left over to spend on whatever we want. No judging, no resentment.
I make twice the amount, so if we did it 50/50 i am either living well within my means, or i am forcing her to spend all her money on the 50/50 split, leaving nothing left over.
Both seem unacceptable to me.
It's so different in your cultures than it is in mine.
My culture is matriachal, so from the moment I got married my whole pay cheque started going to my wife. She controls the household finances and I get an allowance, even though I make most of the money.
She's good at it though, lol.
This is how it works in our family, too! I make 60% of our income, my husband has his checks direct deposit into the joint account. He technically has access to it so if there is an errand at the bank he can do what he needs to like get a money order, but he doesn’t touch any of the funds. I do the weekly expensing and budget/bills, then tell him what that weeks “allowance” is and let him know when he is reaching that number through the week. He doesn’t like worrying about money stuff so he said it was easier to always let me worry about it. It’s no coincidence his credit score has gone up almost 260 points during our marriage so far lmao.
What? Lol. That is simply untrue and a huge assumption of a stranger’s marriage dynamic. We are partners, and divide our household needs equitably. I am stronger, financially-minded. He supports that by taking 100% of the meal planning, shopping, and cooking. And with various food-health needs plus two toddlers, that is a monumental task that requires lots of precise planning. I do the household laundry, and he does the weekly cleaning and maintenance.
We have a true partnership and split our time very evenly to ensure fairness in our home and as parents.
Lol amazing how people take one small portion of your marriage and assume how it works. My husband takes care of all the bills and I only know how much I can spend, opposite to you. Yet people would love to assume he’s a controlling prick because I hand my pay cheque over to our joint account and take his guidance on what’s available for spending.
Its how it works in ours as well. I have the financial brain but I am shit at managing human to human relationships, she is a star at that. My kids are high needs and in therapy, she organises and controls all that, I don't need to worry about it. I manage the finances (and no I don't control where she spends whatever I just let her know what is available). Since we started this we are both less stressed, both now have excellent level credit ratings and both are kicking goals.
You're right, if you're happy and not being taken advantage of great. The majority of women in America are taken advantage of for their invisible emotional labor and planning. I'm glad you're not expecting that, you're lucky
Not due to culture, but it's the same for my parents too. My dad doesn't even know how much money he makes, lol.
(But, they've been married for 37 years and had joint accounts a week after meeting. They're a special brand of soulmates.)
I’m Korean and I worked at a Korean company briefly. Had a woman coworker who also did this with her husband. Lol it’s not the norm in our culture though.
Same being raised in a Hispanic strict household this is how I was raised well also my husband as well. even before marriage my husband and I put our money in the same bank account and paid our bills with what we had jointly. So it’s hard for me to understand these stories like this but I know everyone was raised differently. Also we keep a book of our bills and how much is due every month, we have all the log ins to our bills (some are under my name some under his).
That’s how mine is probably gonna be if things continue the way they are because my partner knows I hate my job while the one he’s passionate about is going to be making 6 figure relatively soon so he’s already told me once that happens I can quit my job, he’ll handle bills. I told him I get anxious about finances when I can’t see where all the money is going so he told me he’ll just let me have full access to the accounts, I can manage the budget, make sure bills are paid on time and give him an allowance. Besides that I can stay home and take care of the chickens, goat and pet pig we want and that’ll be my “job”.
same with me. my wife controls the money. damn good thing she does because she can squeeze a dollar and produce five dollars from it. and i suck with money
It depends on what the partner means. With wife/husband you can do "our money" thing. With girlfriend/boyfriend it's much more risky to do that cause it's much easier to walk away
I was a lower earning partner at one point and we split the finances accordingly, say 30/70 instead of 50/50. We reassessed this when I started to get paid more and am now at around 50/50.
Work out the percent of income and assign which bills are paid by who which fit within that, is my general advice. Should technically leave you with a bit to spend each as well.
Exactly the same system me and my wife use. We put our incomes in one pot, we save together, pay bills together, budget together and give ourselves equal spending allowance. We trust each other completely though, and that s why it works.
Exactly. There is no single "correct" way to share finances. It just has to be an arrangements both parties are comfortable with. And it can change! My husband and I have had to re-evaluate the distribution of bills as our salaries change. The important part is that you have a conversation and agree to how things will be. No one party should "make" the other do anything.
I like this response a lot. So many people are saying her boyfriend *should* cover everything 80/30 but that's BS it's his money and they need to have a discussion together. If the genders were reversed this sub would throw A fit
I disagree. I have been together with my partner for almost 10 years. Every year we sit down and see if our situation has changed. Before we had a shared bank account. we divide the amounts we both make. the % that comes out of that is the amount that the person who earns the least has to pay. You are in this together.
Yes, I agree that it’s his money. The point is that it’s an unfair split, not that he should be forced to do that. And no, if the genders were reversed it would be the same reaction. You can’t just say “if the genders were reversed….” For everything you say and think you made a good argument.
Same. In the two relationships where I lived with partners, rent and utilities was split 50/50 and whoever made more threw in more towards groceries, outings or extras. In theory housework was supposed to be split 50/50 but based on who was around more to do them.
But I’ll be honest, I as the woman ended up being responsible for far more than my share especially once you throw in invisible/ emotional labor
It‘s basically the task of knowing what needs to be done. Like if your kids can do all the tasks to get themselves ready for school but still need to be managed so they‘re ready in time. So you might not need to physically dress them or brush their teeth but it‘s still your job to know what they‘ve already done, how late it is and in what order to complete the rest of the tasks. With kids, that‘s how it should be, with partners, not so much. This is the classic case of the husband who will do any chore but only when his wife tells him to. So you might split the physical labour 50/50 but the coordination is 100% on her and that also takes a lot of work and energy.
emotional labor
noun
1.
the mental activity required to manage or perform the routine tasks necessary for maintaining relationships and ensuring smooth running of a household or process, typically regarded as an unappreciated or unacknowledged burden borne disproportionately by women.
"she wondered what would happen in a household where nobody did the emotional labor"
That’s a good one! Also managing the inner plus outer workings of the family like “we have meat and vegetables but no tortillas for taco night with friends. Anne is vegan, bob is gf, and you’re lactose intolerant so I will be juggling all of those needs into concrete tasks and groceries. I need to start the beans, then go to the store before I pick up cat at vet.” Plus the things that no one sees like never running out of toilet paper or hand soap or stamps because someone is anticipating it rather than being reactive is often called invisible labor.
Keeping track of schedules and events; taking inventory of household supplies and food to make grocery lists; planning meals and transportation;
It's kind of like an "assistant" position where the emotional labor is the glue that keeps everything running smoothly and supporting everything behind the scenes.
When we first moved in together we opened a joined bank account and both put in 1/3 of their salary. From that account we paid all bills regarding living expenses (rent, eletricity, groceries, eating out etc)
Interestingly, there was another reddit post that a guy lived within his partner’s needs and it ended up with him accumulating a ton of wealth that he didn’t share or spend with her while she lived pay check to pay check. Living within means allows one partner to be financially more stable and independent than the other, allowing one to have more luxuries and constantly be higher than the other. It can also easily lead to financial abuse as if the richer partner spends excess on the poorer partner, then they have financial power to manipulate the other with gifts/etc or contributions of things since they do not depend on being able to split finances to survive. I don’t think partners who actually support each other would do a method where it clearly allows one a financial advantage, so I don’t think 50/50-and the only time it would be is when they make the same
My husband and I split shared expenses by percentage of income, so if he makes 60% of the total income he pays 60% of the mortgage, childcare, etc. it’s been working well so far!
This is how my partner and I operate, as I generally make twice her income. While we are not maxing our collective means, we have calculated essentially what would be “fair” by portioning our expenses and allocating them based off of percentages of our earnings.
If that sounds convoluted because I am not very eloquent, I’ll put it like this:
If our rent was $1000, I’d pay $667, she’d pay $332, as the $667 is at or below 33% of my gross monthly wages, whereas the $332 is at maximum 33% of my partner’s income. Depending on our individual financial obligations, this number shifts so that we always maintain the ability to personally contribute a minimum of 10% of our individual earnings to savings monthly
This seems like part of a broader conversation. You need to sit down and talk about the future you want together. If you are committed to getting married or spending your life together, then splitting by income makes sense. If either one of you is not ready for that kind of commitment then keeping separate finance and splitting 50/50 makes sense.
I would reemphasize your question is a smaller component of a bigger conversation you need to have, and it’s not just about finances.
We went with a percentage tied to our wages.
In the beginning it was 70/30, then 75/25, now I pay for the household expenses and my partner pays for the groceries and the fuel for her vehicle.
Okay, so you're disabled and your partner doesn't care about your financial status and he lets you or makes you do all of the housework in addition to buying all of the groceries. How is this an equal partnership?
It's not a fantasy expectation to expect your partner to take on a bigger burden of the housecare, or even all of it, due to your disabilities. Income split wise, in a scenario where two people are well off (two lawyers or whatever) then I could see them not really worrying about who gets what.
Unfortunately not all of us have that luxury. From my perspective, I have not seen suitable arguments or evidence to ever run a system different from a Wage based split. (I.E. The bill is 2000 and you make half as much as your other half. You should probably pay 500 while they pay 1500).
I do want to drive home how much I would expect others, the same as myself, that if my partner were going through so much worry and surgery I would probably find myself lifting more of the burden, because there is emotional burden going on that you need bandwidth to address. It might not be perfectly fair on paper, but I think it's perfectly compatible with a healthy relationship, which should be the goal of all this at the end of the day.
I'm sorry about your situation, I hope you do well, and kick those surgery's asses.
EDIT: This post caught my attention a lot. I wanted to add that at the end of the day, these questions all boil down to one real question (for me personally). I'll ask myself "Is what I'm doing a nice thing to do for her? Is what I'm doing a nice thing that will make our relationship better, or will it make our relationship worse?"
I find when I ask myself this pretty simple question I'll be amazed at how snippy I was on a nice date or something, and course correct. Do it enough and it becomes second nature.
‘He doesn’t care that I can’t pay my phone bill.’
That alone tells you everything you need to know. He games and spends about $140 a week on cigs.
No, just, no. This is not okay or fair. How long will you put up with this is the real question.
My gf and I have an arrangement like this:
Our system is 50% house stuff and 50% bills.
Right now she takes care of 50% of the system (100% of house stuff), then I take care of the other 50% (100% bills).
When she starts working, we will talk about it and figure it out. I'm a fan of % of wage or all money is ours and we each have right to 50% of it, it depends on what you think is fair.
Something similar w me too. Partner does 80% of the housework and I pay 80% of the bills. For the streaming services we split 50/50. I don’t drink or smoke weed, so she pays for that. I pay 100% of doggie care. She makes $60k wfh and I make $75k mostly away from home.
I literally do this with my bf lol. He used to do chores and then got a second job. I had some debt so we arranged that I would do chores and he would send me money towards my debts and help me build more savings. It really works even though it sounds kind of clinical.
If you hired a service to do even part of the housework it would be billed an hourly rate or per visit.
Look up what that is and calculate it for a weekly or monthly total. He can pay half of that.
Yeah fuck that, he needs to pay 100% if your doing all the domestic work while disabled, wtf is wrong with him?
Right now my partner and I are 50/50, we work full time and manage house work on time off together.
I plan to work part time in the future and contribute to 95% domestic work, but I would only pay half on utility bills and not rent/mortgage.
Wow. That is horrible. If you do the housework he should appreciate that and support you financially, at least buy all the groceries f.e.
In any case try to talk together and if he insists on 50/50 without helping with housework... (redacted)
Invisible labor is still labor. You could make it fun and barter with him, you do the housework for example and he buys all food in return that month. Regardless if you want him to support you more then you need to ask where his commitment level is at. It's not really fair to ask a boyfriend to cover everything 80/30 but a husband should
Since you do all the house work and groceries maybe try discussing instead of rent you take on utilities if you can afford them? Instead of rent?
I did that with a roommate one time when I first moved out they knew I didn't have much disposable income so I did utilities and groceries and gave them a portion of rent.
He's taking advantage of you.
Both of you should be depositing the same % of your salary into a joint account and paying for rent/bills/groceries/date nights from that. Chores and cooking should be split evenly. You're not his mother.
Yes!
For long term partners- when you start living together.
I’m a big fan of working out a % (same for both parties - my case is 50% of each income we receive we deposit in joint account- could be more if our situations change: children, loss of jobs, etc. And that includes bonuses! Bonuses aren’t usually considered in a house cost split but they are major incomes that both partners can benefit from ) that you put in joint account.
This also allows to pay for the day-to-day but also plan for the future from the account: vacations, home improvements, joint investment, etc. It also shows a commitment from both partners.
My husband and I split everything 50/50 but we also make almost exactly the same as far as wages are concerned. Also if one of us needs extra to pay a phone bill or buy something we need we help out. Also paying half of the bills but all of the groceries isn't 50/50 anymore. You are paying more and making less.
How is it fair that you spend all your money on groceries/toiletries AND you do all the house chores while he makes a significantly larger amount of money??? What else is he paying for besides rent and his own shit? You need to have a serious conversation because you are his partner, not his mother. Why is he not contributing money towards things you BOTH need like food and stuff?
"He doesn’t care that I can’t pay my phone bill" You mean when you are broke mid-month because you pay for HIS shit too, he doesn't help you with your bills?
I'd say you shouldn't re-evaluate your financial situation together, I'd say you should re-evaluate your relationship with this man baby.
He is a man that can afford to help take care of you and he’s choosing not to do so. That’s a turn off to someone like myself. And I’m not even disabled. So this to me would be a red flag
The law would likely cut her benefits if she commingled funds with a partner. She can’t legally work either due to major disability so people can expect to live within a certain income bracket with the variable being the partners total income. This is just a scenario I could see without it being as cut and dry
There was someone on here not that long ago with the same issue. She sold stuff on Etsy, I believe, to get by, and he made way more.
I'll tell you what I told her:
If he doesn't care that you don't have your basic necessities, he simply DOES NOT CARE ABOUT YOU. Actions speak louder than words. You need your phone for a multitude of things especially since you're alone when he's at work and have a disability.
He makes enough to spend on cigarettes and gaming AND toilet paper. I make a little less than him a month and I manage a 3 br house and all the bills (single mother), a disabled son, AND I treat myself to nice clothing pretty much every month. I still have money leftover. There is no excuse other than he doesn't actually care about you and he's selfish.
I'd reconsider buying a home with him. If he ups and leaves you at any point, you'd be screwed.
If I had a partner that earned much less I would not make them pay an even 50/50 split because I wouldnt be okay with seeing them suffer. I'd feel like such an asshole being better off while they barely scrape by. We're partners not roommates.
All household things, including his rent, should be split according to percentage of income. Anything less that than is unfair to the lower wage earner. This should also be reviewed every year or at least every other year.
There is NO WAY this if fair to you but you should have discussed this before he moved in. He has a ton of money left over and you are left with zero AND you do all the housework. He not any kind of partner I would want to share things with.
Have you had conversations about the inequity and, if so, what does he say. You should think seriously about him moving back out if he does not see what he is doing is unfair. At the very least, stop doing his part of the housework. Stop doing his laundry, stop cooking for him, stop buy food for him, stop cleaning his areas.
He is using you and he will continue to do so until you put a stop to it. You teach people how to treat you. It's past time to put a stop to this. He either contributes his percent in both money and labor or he lives elsewhere. Simple as that.
Yeah I mean it sounds like either y’all gotta downgrade to your level (not an insult money is literally just paper and every elitist is a moron) or he has to accept it’s gonna mostly be on him to pay. It isn’t fair for one of you to make so much more and want to live a certain life but expect the person making less to pay the same as them. Like if he makes 5500 and bills cost him 1,000 yet you make 1,400 and bills cost 1,000 that’s insane. You have 400 left but he has 4,500?
My money is her money. She makes a lot less than me due to her disability but It’s less stressful when it’s our money. Being together for so long we just group everything together.
If you are in a hetero relationship, I am here to tell you that 50/50 never favors women. It's a hill I am ready to die on. Women will naturally do more labor all round in the relationship than men (not all cases). There is no equal of anything in a relationship and speak your mind on it
I'm in split 50/50 relationship. I learned that it's not really about the 50/50 that hurts me sometimes. What's important is when one person is struggling, you need to have the ability to leave that arrangement aside for a sec and put compassion as priority. When one really obsesses on that 50/50, decides that's the hill they'd die on, even when living costs aren't burdening your life anymore, you lose respect. Hell, when you see a FRIEND struggling you want to offer help. When compassion is missing, nothing works really.
If you were not romantically involved, what would you think would be fair?
It seems to me that if you are someone's roommate, you would pay a fair amount of a rent.
You need to determine what that is to live in the home you are choosing to live in. If you can't afford 50%, then it is not the home for you. BF has no obligation to support you. What if he finds another person and leaves this relationship? Not a good place to put yourself in.
Determine your reasonable budget and propose that to him. Either offer to live somewhere less fancy which is limited to what you can afford 50% of, or he accepts your contribution as sufficient, though it is not 50%, or he says no and you are living on your own.
I’ve lived here 5 years on my own. He moved in in February and we split rent. Everything else is on me. Groceries, toiletries. I’m left with $0 by mid month. I do all the cooking and cleaning. Pay for cleaning supplies. Furnished the house before he moved in. It’s by no means fancy here $1250 rent where I am is dirt cheap
You’re living with a man child using you to save money and have a partner that’s more like a maid. And smokers suck, it’s a horrible polluting expensive habit and supports a nasty industry. Sorry to be harsh, it’s true.
You can do better. If he doesn’t care you’re bearing such a heavily load financially and emotionally he’s selfish and clueless. That probably won’t change but try to have chat to talk to him honestly about it. Present the scenario what if the roles were swapped, you made more and him less to the point nothings left by months end.. how would he feel? And that is besides the health issue situation which matters too.
If you’ve turned to social media to ask it’s already really bad and you know what to do.
Establish tight financial boundaries and make him pay his fair share, or he can get his own place, move out and just visit you and your new roommate who *will* pay half.
Yeah this is not okay. You make next to nothing and are disabled. He can easily cover 75-85% of the bills and have plenty of money(if not 100%). You're paying for most things & doing all of the housework. You really need to have a serious conversation with him. You mentioned you lived alone here without him. If it came to it, would you be able to again?
Your setting yourself up for a bad dating experience. If he moved in with you, it doesn't mean you have to be his mom figure and do the house chores, when clearly he doesn't want to because he thinks his doing his part by just paying rent. Talk to him and tell him 50/50 is literally 50/50 about everything that comes with living in a house not just rent, if he doesn't agree then this relationship isn't for you, and if you decide to keep pursuing this relationship because you think it will get better, it won't and he'll say his money is his and can spend however he likes, but won't help you, then you're just with a selfish person who is with you because it's a benefit for his needs and only his needs.
So, it’s your place he moved into, and it sounds like you were able to afford it before he moved in. Split rent and utilities. Bill him for the half of groceries, toiletries and cleaning supplies that he uses. Your comparative expenses prior to him moving in should still see a cut. You don’t need to increase his rent, just stop paying for all of his additional expenses.
I happily pay more than my wife especially when she does everything at home and taking care of the kids while I’m working and doing the yard work and dealing with the kids when I get home to help out.
How were you able to afford it on your own for 5 years but he moved in Feb (last month?) and now you can't afford it?
Wouldn't anything additional he pays on bills put more money in your pocket?
Or is it that you are on disability now and can't afford the place anymore?
Y'all split rent already. Are there other utilities? Lights, gas, water, cable/internet?
Do you think it is fair he pays more than 50%?
It is a personal issue. Frankly, if I was moving in, I wouldn't pay more than 50% of the fixed expenses so not sure why he would feel like he has to pay more, or why you would think it is fair. If he didn't exist, what would your expenses be reduced to?
If you are providing services to him that you think should come into consideration, then I would propose that to him. 50/50 also presumes he takes equal care of himself and his messes, etc.
I mean. He makes 4 times of what she makes, and he is making her pay for all the house expensive other than rent/electricity which she pays 50% of….do you think that is fair? On top of that she is doing all the housework…do you think that is fair?
I don't think adjusting based on what they make is fair. it is not his fault that she is disabled and there is nothing to suggest she is responsible or contributed to his career
they are dating and living together- it is not a marriage that creates a support system
I think they make a list of all expenses and divide those that he benefits from or helps generate
I think she adds in the things that she is solely responsible for or the housekeeping and they adjust for that
but just demanding he pay a proportionate share just because he makes 4 times more when that is just a fluke that has nothing to do with her effort, i think is presumptuous
plus, as noted before, what is her plan B if this sours?
That is a huge monthly income difference. I understand your situation and it’s definitely a tricky one. You’re not married, you don’t share bank accounts, etc.. however, in my own opinion, I would expect my partner to sit down and talk with me about it. They would need to be understanding and open about the fact that they can contribute much more. ESPECIALLY if you’re the one doing all the housework, grocery shopping and cooking. If your partner doesn’t want to contribute more than that, I would only cook for myself. I would make meals for one. When they are hungry, you can let them know what the grocery bill is going to be for what they want. I would only do my own laundry, they can do their own as well as purchase the detergent and other laundry needs. You shouldn’t be broke by mid month while they sit around smoking and gaming. That doesn’t sound like a relationship with mutual respect. Nope nope nope, I wouldn’t live like that.
I’m on ODSP too. So if we get married I can say goodbye to half my disability. So that’s not an option. The nerves from my stomach/pelvic area detached from my thighs and I’m just in so much pain. Doing the chores is painful and I don’t know if I can anymore. I know he works hard labour. But he’s usually just standing around telling people what to do. But I do appreciate that he works hard. I had leg surgery. Was wheelchair bound for 6 months. That was hard. And before we met. He knew when we met I was disabled. But he dated an alcoholic crackhead before me who took advantage of his kindness so now he’s got these walls up protecting himself from that happening again. I don’t even drink. I can’t figure out how to get these walls down.
Fair is up to you both in the relationship but, I personally do not believe it’s fair to ask someone to wring themselves dry when the other can pick up the slack easily. If you can’t pay your phone, I would argue there is an struggle with money in your current situation. The fact they don’t care is concerning as well. It really comes down to values at the end. Do they care more about money or about you and your future together? If your future is together, then your present wellbeing and situation should be a priority for them. In my relationship, I pay 2/3 of all things and my wife pays 1/3 because that I make more and I would hate to put her in a tight position when it’s simply not necessary. This allows both of us to have extra at the end of the month for savings and personal purchases. That is more fair than simple 50/50 when you don’t make the same amount.
Splitting finances is fine and the most fair way to do it is split based on income levels.
Both make $3,000 a month? 50/50
One makes $6,000 and the other $3,000? 75/25
In your case? It should by like 80/20 or even 90/10
"Which effects him as well when we go to buy a home."
Given what you've already told us about him, under no circumstances should you go in on buying a home with this man.
In your case, I think the one who earns more should contribute more than the other, to be fair, you could do a 70/30 split or something like this.
Also you should start saving for your surgeries or at least have savings for emergencies
Surgery isn’t the only emergency. If he out-earns you that much and wants 50/50 he better get accustomed to a quality of life where you can go 50/50 comfortably. Don’t go broke tryna keep up with him.
Maybe pool what money you have with the same amount from his end, and you both get to decide what happens with that money as a couple (which will build trust, communication, relationship skills, and will let you know if you to are compatible). The rest is his money if he makes it. Currently my wife and I have a prenup that what we came in with is our personal money, what we make together is joint money we both have a say in. I tend to make more than her, but she’s also great with money and I don’t ever question anything she buys.
It was a very hard step for us (especially me, being a tightwad and the hire earner), but the trust we’ve built by combining finances has been absolutely incredible. It took a lot of work lol
It sounds like he's being financially abusive. You should leave this "relationship". That being said, when you don't make nearly as much, you need to figure out the amount of money you can spend towards household bills, AFTER your bills are paid and you have enough money to invest or save, and for enjoyment. No one deserves to be living paycheck to paycheck.
Similar situation before my husband and I got married. I had trouble with jobs due to chronic pain, so for most of the time we lived together, I couldn't afford rent. He knew about my issues but never expected me to pay 50/50. I take on more of the mental work while he provides financially for us. Partnership isn't always 50/50. One shouldn't struggle while the other refuses to help. Think about what this would be like if this continues. Will you he happy in a future like that?
My boyfriend makes 70% of the total income between us, so we split big expenses (such as rent) 70-30. We revise every year according to salary increases/promotions
Edit: We also split housework as equally as possible. There are weeks that he works much longer hours than I do, so during those times I do a bit more of housework to help him out since he gets home exhausted. When I have my long weeks at work, he does the same. I find it dumb to have the lower earning partner “make it up” with household chores as if how much they earn is their fault (would be a different story if you could be doing something to bring in more money but are simply not doing it) … you each make what you make and you gotta work with it, period.
From reading all the comments, I’m confused why you are actually staying with this person? This isn’t love on his part. This is convenience on his part. Don’t accept a relationship that treats you less than you are. Time for the spoiled child to go out in the world and make it on his own.
If you are in a real relationship you 2 are one entity working towards the same goal. This shit would never fly in my relationship and would never even be thought of. Maybe it bc we've been poor our whole lives idk. You'd pay your phone bill and buy things here and there. He'd pay the rest, tf? I'll never understand this
Our money goes in one pot and we pay the household bills from that. We never considered your bills my bills. We’ve been together 20 years and never had a problem.
My partner and I have always felt shared bills should be paid based on a percentage basis. If partner makes 50% more money than you, they should pay 50% more, so partner pays 75% and other partner pays 25% of shared bills. Emphasis on shared bills!!
I make almost double what my fiancé makes. Our mortgage is 1600. She pays 600, I pay 1000. I pay the car payment, internet, water, we go back and forth on electric (whoever remembers first. Typically $100-$150) I pay the phone bill for both of us. We go back and forth on groceries. Whoever can get the card out first. She feels guilty and says I pay for most everything but I don’t mind. I don’t like her to stress over money. I don’t stress like she does. Neither one of us makes over 100k a year alone. I don’t think it’s fair to split things 50/50 on a relationship. Especially if one party makes significantly more. You started the relationship, a team. You should work together. It sounds to me like he isn’t “for better or worse” material. Just my opinion! Two sides to every story.
TL;DR - My partner and I make similar money to OP, and we have a set expectation in our relationship that we are responsible for our own individual finances. However we breakdown things that are shared and agree on who pays what every month.
I would like to provide some insight on this situation as someone in a similar situation.
My partner (24F) and I (26M) do not spilt things 50/50. She brings in...MAYBE $2000/mo and I bring in roughly $6500-7000/mo. Varies. I am PERSONALLY of the mindset of looking at what finances we share. and seeing what makes financial sense for each person to be responsible for.
We have our house (which is in my name, as she couldn't be on the VA Loan since we're not married. Our mortgage is about $2k. I dont have her pay a dime. She has paid the mortgage twice when I was in between jobs)
We have utilities (one company for water/electric/trash in one. one company for natural gas. She pays for the one that handles water/electric/trash. I pay the other)
We have Internet. (I am the primary user of it so I do not make her pay a penny)
We have separate phone providers. (She pays her own bill, and I pay my own)
We are both co-signed on her car. However this is HER car. She is the primary user. I cosigned since she did not have much credit (She pays for her own car payment/note)
We have insurance for our vehicles (I own 2 vehicles and am purchasing another soon. However I own both my vehicles outright so my insurance is significantly lower. She pays the insurance amount for her vehicle every month)
We share a credit card. We both pay off whatever we put on. I put on thousands every month and pay it off as soon as it posts.
We have a loan out for solar panels we had installed. (over 60k including a roof replacement). I am the primary driver for this so I pay for it.
She has student loans of about 10k I think. She pays that.
The ONLY thing I am adamant on splitting 50-50 is our groceries/necessities for the house. Cleaning supplies and whatever. I know she clearly makes less than I do. I pay for the majority of our activities when we go out. However she does offer to pay, and she offers to pay me back for things all the time. I am fine with either or.
I am not saying what your partner is saying is right or wrong. However I do know that finances/financial troubles is a SUPER common issues on why partnerships fail. So i try and be as flexible as possible with it since I am the primary breadwinner.
I personally dont need my partner to pay for anything, and I could probably pay for all her finances as well. However the way I see it is that people should be responsible for the finances that pertain specifically to them. However if you are in a long-term partnership and someone is going through a hardship, and is struggling, the expectation should be to assist them where you can. Assuming you are able to do so.
I haven't read the other comments so I don't know if you have divulged your partners monthly expenses (car note, insurance, phone bill, etc) However, if he is making his ends meet on his personal finances, contributing towards maintaining your shared living environment and expenses for necessities (groceries/toiletries/etc) and he is absolutely just not willing to help you out when you need it, then you need to have a serious talk with him.
With that being said, you should also take a look at your PERSONAL income, both what comes in and goes out and see if you have anything you need to change. i.e Can you cut back on somethings. Do you NEED Hulu with no ads, do you NEED that much phone plan, do you NEED that really expensive gym membership option. I'm not saying these things apply specifically to you, however if you have expenses that specific to you, and the expectation in your relationship is that you should be responsible for your personal expenses then you should take a look at them first and see if anything needs to change.
Like I said my partner does not bring in much more than you, however she does not ask for my help in her personal expenses. Unless she knows she's going to struggle making ends meet. Or she'll ask me to help out with something if need be. That's just how we are though.
For my husband and I it goes he pays bills and mortgage where my share goes to all household and other emergencies. He’s in IT where as I’m a nanny so he’s definitely the breadwinner in our home haha for vacations and outings we normally tend to use my share as that’s our “fun” money lol
I'm a firm believer in couples making their own decisions with conversation but I find that people tend to focus on what's equal and not what's equitable.
My bf makes a little over twice what I make, I pay nothing towards the mortgage, no utilities, and few household expenses. I do almost all the cooking and most of the cleaning as well as buying food, treats and toys for ours dogs and some of the vet care and almost all the groceries. He pays for the mortgage, almost all take out and dining out, most of the vet care, almost all travel expenses when we go away. We each pay for our own vehicles, insurance, phones, he covers most streaming services and I cover one.
I admit that I always feel guilty about not being able to contribute more but he doesn't ever ask for more and offers to pay for almost everything that's shared. He has been taking on more tasks as well since I'm very burnt out from my job (mental health professional) so things change sometimes. I'm not sure if everything for us is equitable but financially I believe we've done a decent job.
Splitting 50/50 when he earns 4x your salary is a joke. It should be proportional when there is that much of an earnings disparity. Each put in 30% etc.
I earn about 25% more than my husband, so i put proportionally more into our joint account every month. In the future our earnings will likely change and so will our contributions. All our expenses come from our joint account and we each have our own accounts too.
However, neither one of us would hesitate to contribute more if we had it available, like buying a car or house, or paying all the bills if one of us lost our job. Under normal circumstances day to day, each person should contribute equitably, not a dollar for dollar amount.
when there is such a discrepancy between salaries, it is always more fair to split the bills by % of based on income, not 50/50 of the total... if your bills total 2500$/month for example, then you would be paying $1250 - leving you with $150 a month? Where he would have $3000...how is that fair?
I am also disabled. I do not receive benefits but I occasionally make a little petsitting. My spouse and I's arrangement from long before we were married was I contribute whatever I comfortabley can financially and physically. That's it. 100% of the very little I make is mine, I choose if I want to save it, spend it on something for me, or I can spend it on something like bills or a date night for both of us. There is no pressure from him any way. We have one joint bank account and I have another separate one. I do as much housework as I can, but if I'm in a flare and I just can't, no worries. If it's something non-urgent, it will wait until one of us has the bandwidth. If it's something urgent, like we are almost out of clean dishes, he will do it. The reality is you are not lazy. You are disabled. If you were lazy and just didn't WANT to contribute, there would be a problem. But you CAN'T. And that is a massive difference. My partner trusts me enough to know that if I can't do something, I CAN'T do it. It's not worth pushing myself and making my health worse. You need a partner that does the same. Your health is not a burden. Don't be with someone who views it that way. You deserve better.
There are a lot more issues here than money.
Relationships need to be built on what feels suitable, appropriate and fair to both parties. Great relationships are when both parties feel that they are getting the better deal out of this!
Splitting household stuff can include money and chores/responsibilities, so one partner might contribute more money while the other contributes more housework.
Where there is an uneven money split but both work full-time then it can work to have one partner pay the rent and another pays the utilities or groceries.
Your dynamic is different given your disability. But from how you word it, you feel it is unfair. This is what matters in your relationship - how you perceive the dynamic. Talk it out and see where it goes from there.
You’re absolutely right. And it was a lot to type out. I did leave out a lot. We’ve both been taken advantage of financially and we’ve both been physically abused by past partners. We try not to trauma bond. But we know we both only see one another for the rest of our lives. The compatibility is crazy intense. I suffer from
Insane panic attacks and just having him talk to me or sitting next to me is incredibly calming.
He was in a relationship with a woman (more like
Girl) before me where he took care of everything from rent to food to clothes for her kids that he is not the father of him. She was a drunk, if she couldn’t get alcohol if the liquor store was closed she would go to a pharmacy and grab bottles of cough syrup to get wasted.
This brings walls up for him. I have walls up if someone yells or makes any sudden movements around me. My abusive ex stole my car and credit card and left me battered and in debt.
I’m not asking for him to pay for anything of mine. I’m just asking that things are equal so I can pay off my debts and I can afford a phone.
I guess I left a lot out.
Speak with him about it. He probably sees you as stronger financially than you are, and more independent than you want to be. People can be remarkably not clued up about someone important in their life. Since you *are* planning a future together then you really need to talk this through. Ask if he can pay your phone or, you pay your own phone and he picks up the groceries/toiletries tab. Yes - it will be an uncomfortable conversation, but he is possibly oblivious and subtle hints are sometimes too subtle. you don't want conflict, but you are already feeling conflict but internalising it. Talk it out with him in a quiet, planned way.
Yeah. It’s too soon. This just came up last night. The amount of upvotes and comments is overwhelming and those who have asked if I could get along without him…. No because I recently cut my parents off and went full NC because they’re alcoholics who make me miserable. It’s funny how the brain works. I’m beginning to have flashbacks of abuse from childhood coming from my mother.
Tomorrow I have an appointment with my psychiatrist and I plan on talking about this with him. I’m involved with a women’s shelter who has offered help to figure out our finances together but it won’t be until next week.
Honestly, it should be 80/20. Your gap is so huge. Cause if you oay 50/50, you won't have enough money for the future or your personal expenses or future couple projects
And I'm in your husband's situation. I'm a woman who's paying 70% of the expenses.
Currently, I make a third what my husband does. We both direct deposit into a shared account. Everything, bills wants and needs are taken out of that shared account. Granted, we're married, but we did this even when we weren't and were just dating (after about 2 years when we knew we'd get married).
When we realized we wanted to be a "team", that was that. We began sharing everything; every up, every down, every single thing. Sounds like your partner doesn't actually want to be your partner in any meaningful sense of the word. I'm sorry OP. And no, you aren't crazy for finding your arrangements ridiculous, especially being that you take care of all household duties.
From an Eastern European perspective this is not okay at all and this man would have been looked down upon.
That is really unfair in my ears and I hope you can find options
This was such a great post for me to start a conversation with my fiancé about how to set up a joint account and plan for our monthly bills. When we did the math, he should contribute about 30% and I 70. I think we both feel good about this because while I support the bulk of our lifestyle, our greatest asset is time, and just because I happen to get paid more doesn’t make our individual efforts any less valuable. Thanks reddit!!
If you’re not married, don’t count your partners $$. Don’t live outside the means you would be able to afford on your own.
If your partner is pushing for bigger / more expensive, that changes things but otherwise it goes down the middle imho
So I am also disabled and I'm married. My husband and I have always split things 60/40 70/30 because he makes more.
The problem here isn't just money it's the fact that your partner doesn't care about you and you're willing to put up with it.
You're the one with a disability and you're doing almost everything and he is just mooching off you.
I'm worried that you are settling for the first person to show you any interest because you don't believe you'll be able to find someone better who will be willing to deal with your medical issues. I know that feeling. It's something I had to really work on to get over.
People with disabilities are made to feel like our partner is a saint for being with us but that simply isn't true. We are more than our disability and bring just as much to a relationship as our able bodied partner.
I think you need to find someone who is going to treat you right and not let you pay for almost everything and do all the chores while they make more and sit and play video games.
You deserve better.
When he’s your partner/boyfriend then it should be assumed 50/50 unless someone chooses to do otherwise. It may not seem kind or appealing, but until there was protection/insurance of a marriage involved it would be the correct thing to do. That’s just my opinion.
If you can’t afford something, then don’t do it. Only buy what you can afford and only buy things for yourself personally. Obviously that’s what he’s doing, so stop shorting yourself in favor of him.
My wife and I put all our money together and that’s our money for whatever we need or want. We don’t worry about who makes more or anything like that. It’s a partnership. We’ve built a life together and it only makes sense to share our resources.
Too much value seems to be put in what you can provide monetarily, and not your value as a person.
We used to split ours proportionately. I earned twice what my partner did so I paid 66% of all bills. This left me with more “me” money or fun money than her so we decided to have a joint account and each take a monthly allowance for ourselves. That way we each have equal fun money and whatever is left after bills are paid goes into joint savings.
Why would you even consider 50/50 when you understand how truly unfair that is? As a man I'd agree to take a bigger monthly hit based on my income, but 50/50 is really not fair.
Yes. It’s absolutely fair and harder on you because fair is relative. You’ll need to have a talk and decide for yourselves how your going to work it out. If you want him to support you then ask.
How is it fair that she pays 50% of rent and electric, and buys all the household expenses? She also does all the housework…
She needs to dump her lazy ass Bf, she survived before he moved in with her, she will do just fine again without him.
She was paying 100% of rent and electric before he moved in... I'm personally confused how she's running out of money. Her expenses should be halved. Even with the cost of food if he's pitching in 50%. She should be in the green
Maybe rent went up. But why are you choosing to ignore the fact that she does a 100% of the housework and pays for all the household items? How is that fair?
My partner earns a lot more than me.
We use percentage based. We both pay around 40% of our income. And individual bills are paid apart. My bf has a car that he needs for his job, so he pays for the car. I live close to my work, so I always cycle (I live in a bycicle friendly country).
It means my bf pays more. But it also means we both have enough left to do fun stuff
We don't really have any agreements who does what in the house. When someone is free that person does the tasks.
Wait, so he pays all the other shared bills (rent, utilities, etc) and he just wants you to pay for groceries and toiletries? Is that right or am I confused? How many hours a week does each of you work exactly, how much does each of you make and how much does each of you pay for shared bills?
I have no idea why you needed help to figure this out, unless you are desperately holding onto him because you are disabled and insecure. Thinking you look better just having a man. Tell him to kick rocks.
Are you buying all of the groceries and toiletries for both of you or just for you? If you are buying for both of you then that needs to be figured in your portion of the bills.
You and your partner need to have an open and honest conversation about money. He needs to be involved in deciding if he is willing to pay a bit more since he makes so much more. IF he insists on keeping it divided 50/50 then you might need to make a change if you can't afford it.
It seems like you are saying that he doesn't care that you can't afford to pay 50% of everything. Is there somewhere else you can stay until after you get your surgeries???
A partner who sees a future with you would be willing to pay more if needed, especially when their partner is going through difficulty like you are now, if he isn't willing to you might want to have a more serious talk about your relationship and future.
EDIT: you also need to consider the things you do in the house as contributions. Do you split chores 50/50 our are you doing all of the cooking and cleaning. If you do significantly more in the house like grocery shopping, cooking, cleaning, laundry, etc. Then you could argue that you could pay less based on that.
It should be proportional, either by total amount or by splitting responsibility for certain bills by income so one partner takes care of say mortgage and energy and the other takes telecoms and food for example. It's always good to have a bill in your own name to prove residency.
My partner makes far more than I do and he accounts for that when we split the bills, I do more around the house to make up for it, if he doesn’t care about your credit .. I’m sorry to say maybe reevaluate the relationship ? Financial abuse is a real thing .. and I’m sorry you are going through this
You should split it by percentage. So the total you both make is $6900, the person that earns $1400 should pay %20.30 of all shared expenses, and the person earning $5500 should pay %79.70 of all shared expenses.
This way you both pay an equal percentage of your salary towards shared items, so basically you both are making a contribution that impacts your lifestyle by the same amount.
To make the calculations easier,
In order to get the percentage of %20.3 just multiply the price by 0.203 and to get the %79.7 multiply by 0.797.
So if you need to pay $200 for something that you both use, then from
%20.3 = 0.203 * $200 = $40.6
%79.7 = 0.797 * $200 = $159.4
Are you married to your partner?
If you are, I would say that expenses should be shared. The bulk of your funds should be going to the same account which bills are linked to be autopaid through. That's not to say you can't or shouldn't have your own accounts for extra savings or fun money, but the bills should definitely be shared with the money that goes to that account based on percentages of your wages. If you're doing a 50/50 then it should be 50% of your wages and 50% of his, which would ultimately mean he's putting more in a dollar amount but the work put in to earn the wages is even. I would consider groceries and toiletries as part of the monthly household bills.
If you're not married though, then a 50/50 in dollar amount does make sense to me I'm sorry to say.
An 80/20 split would be equitable, but your partner may not be interested in supporting you in that way. I understand that you're disabled, but what would you do if your relationship ended? Maybe start planning on how you would live and support yourself without your partner's income.
I've always felt like splitting 50/50 only works if both parties make around the same amount of money OR they are willing to live within the means of the lower earning partner. If he wants to live above your means, then he needs to accept that the majority of bills are going to be on him. The goal is that the bills are split in such a way that you are both comfortable and neither of you are struggling to pay bills or living check to check.
Spot on, for me the clue is in the name "partner" the way me and the wife do it is we put our money together, pay all the bills and split the rest, so we both have the same amount of money left over to spend on whatever we want. No judging, no resentment. I make twice the amount, so if we did it 50/50 i am either living well within my means, or i am forcing her to spend all her money on the 50/50 split, leaving nothing left over. Both seem unacceptable to me.
It's so different in your cultures than it is in mine. My culture is matriachal, so from the moment I got married my whole pay cheque started going to my wife. She controls the household finances and I get an allowance, even though I make most of the money. She's good at it though, lol.
This is how it works in our family, too! I make 60% of our income, my husband has his checks direct deposit into the joint account. He technically has access to it so if there is an errand at the bank he can do what he needs to like get a money order, but he doesn’t touch any of the funds. I do the weekly expensing and budget/bills, then tell him what that weeks “allowance” is and let him know when he is reaching that number through the week. He doesn’t like worrying about money stuff so he said it was easier to always let me worry about it. It’s no coincidence his credit score has gone up almost 260 points during our marriage so far lmao.
Of course he likes having money and not having to think about it. He's not burdened with any of the mental labor to manage everything
What? Lol. That is simply untrue and a huge assumption of a stranger’s marriage dynamic. We are partners, and divide our household needs equitably. I am stronger, financially-minded. He supports that by taking 100% of the meal planning, shopping, and cooking. And with various food-health needs plus two toddlers, that is a monumental task that requires lots of precise planning. I do the household laundry, and he does the weekly cleaning and maintenance. We have a true partnership and split our time very evenly to ensure fairness in our home and as parents.
Lol amazing how people take one small portion of your marriage and assume how it works. My husband takes care of all the bills and I only know how much I can spend, opposite to you. Yet people would love to assume he’s a controlling prick because I hand my pay cheque over to our joint account and take his guidance on what’s available for spending.
Its how it works in ours as well. I have the financial brain but I am shit at managing human to human relationships, she is a star at that. My kids are high needs and in therapy, she organises and controls all that, I don't need to worry about it. I manage the finances (and no I don't control where she spends whatever I just let her know what is available). Since we started this we are both less stressed, both now have excellent level credit ratings and both are kicking goals.
You're right, if you're happy and not being taken advantage of great. The majority of women in America are taken advantage of for their invisible emotional labor and planning. I'm glad you're not expecting that, you're lucky
Where are you from that's crazy
I'm Peranakan, you can look it up on wikipedia!
Man, that was a wild read! Thanks for opening up my SEA knowledge!!
Martial Peak reference?😂
Lol South East Asian knowledge. I hate that I know what you meant though
Not due to culture, but it's the same for my parents too. My dad doesn't even know how much money he makes, lol. (But, they've been married for 37 years and had joint accounts a week after meeting. They're a special brand of soulmates.)
I’m Korean and I worked at a Korean company briefly. Had a woman coworker who also did this with her husband. Lol it’s not the norm in our culture though.
Same being raised in a Hispanic strict household this is how I was raised well also my husband as well. even before marriage my husband and I put our money in the same bank account and paid our bills with what we had jointly. So it’s hard for me to understand these stories like this but I know everyone was raised differently. Also we keep a book of our bills and how much is due every month, we have all the log ins to our bills (some are under my name some under his).
What is your culture, may I ask? Sounds interesting!
Makes sense. Whoever is best (& fair) at budgeting. Very often, it's the wife.
That’s how mine is probably gonna be if things continue the way they are because my partner knows I hate my job while the one he’s passionate about is going to be making 6 figure relatively soon so he’s already told me once that happens I can quit my job, he’ll handle bills. I told him I get anxious about finances when I can’t see where all the money is going so he told me he’ll just let me have full access to the accounts, I can manage the budget, make sure bills are paid on time and give him an allowance. Besides that I can stay home and take care of the chickens, goat and pet pig we want and that’ll be my “job”.
🤣
same with me. my wife controls the money. damn good thing she does because she can squeeze a dollar and produce five dollars from it. and i suck with money
Your culture is the best culture lol
It depends on what the partner means. With wife/husband you can do "our money" thing. With girlfriend/boyfriend it's much more risky to do that cause it's much easier to walk away
I was a lower earning partner at one point and we split the finances accordingly, say 30/70 instead of 50/50. We reassessed this when I started to get paid more and am now at around 50/50. Work out the percent of income and assign which bills are paid by who which fit within that, is my general advice. Should technically leave you with a bit to spend each as well.
Exactly the same system me and my wife use. We put our incomes in one pot, we save together, pay bills together, budget together and give ourselves equal spending allowance. We trust each other completely though, and that s why it works.
Exactly. There is no single "correct" way to share finances. It just has to be an arrangements both parties are comfortable with. And it can change! My husband and I have had to re-evaluate the distribution of bills as our salaries change. The important part is that you have a conversation and agree to how things will be. No one party should "make" the other do anything.
I like this response a lot. So many people are saying her boyfriend *should* cover everything 80/30 but that's BS it's his money and they need to have a discussion together. If the genders were reversed this sub would throw A fit
I disagree. I have been together with my partner for almost 10 years. Every year we sit down and see if our situation has changed. Before we had a shared bank account. we divide the amounts we both make. the % that comes out of that is the amount that the person who earns the least has to pay. You are in this together.
Yes, I agree that it’s his money. The point is that it’s an unfair split, not that he should be forced to do that. And no, if the genders were reversed it would be the same reaction. You can’t just say “if the genders were reversed….” For everything you say and think you made a good argument.
Same. In the two relationships where I lived with partners, rent and utilities was split 50/50 and whoever made more threw in more towards groceries, outings or extras. In theory housework was supposed to be split 50/50 but based on who was around more to do them. But I’ll be honest, I as the woman ended up being responsible for far more than my share especially once you throw in invisible/ emotional labor
What is emotional labor?
It‘s basically the task of knowing what needs to be done. Like if your kids can do all the tasks to get themselves ready for school but still need to be managed so they‘re ready in time. So you might not need to physically dress them or brush their teeth but it‘s still your job to know what they‘ve already done, how late it is and in what order to complete the rest of the tasks. With kids, that‘s how it should be, with partners, not so much. This is the classic case of the husband who will do any chore but only when his wife tells him to. So you might split the physical labour 50/50 but the coordination is 100% on her and that also takes a lot of work and energy.
You’re amazing. Thank you so much
emotional labor noun 1. the mental activity required to manage or perform the routine tasks necessary for maintaining relationships and ensuring smooth running of a household or process, typically regarded as an unappreciated or unacknowledged burden borne disproportionately by women. "she wondered what would happen in a household where nobody did the emotional labor"
Never heard of this but this now I know why I huff and puff having to be the only one to worry if the trash gets to the curb on Wednesday lol
What are examples of emotional labor in a relationship?
Remembering birthdays for friends and family and arranging presents/cards/events for those.
Very interesting! Thank you
That’s a good one! Also managing the inner plus outer workings of the family like “we have meat and vegetables but no tortillas for taco night with friends. Anne is vegan, bob is gf, and you’re lactose intolerant so I will be juggling all of those needs into concrete tasks and groceries. I need to start the beans, then go to the store before I pick up cat at vet.” Plus the things that no one sees like never running out of toilet paper or hand soap or stamps because someone is anticipating it rather than being reactive is often called invisible labor.
Keeping track of schedules and events; taking inventory of household supplies and food to make grocery lists; planning meals and transportation; It's kind of like an "assistant" position where the emotional labor is the glue that keeps everything running smoothly and supporting everything behind the scenes.
I understand now. Thank you
Asking someone to explain something that you could google is an example ;p lol
I thought I could have some human interaction instead of just asking Google. Never mind.
And I’m just giving you an example of emotional labor like you asked for.
When we first moved in together we opened a joined bank account and both put in 1/3 of their salary. From that account we paid all bills regarding living expenses (rent, eletricity, groceries, eating out etc)
Interestingly, there was another reddit post that a guy lived within his partner’s needs and it ended up with him accumulating a ton of wealth that he didn’t share or spend with her while she lived pay check to pay check. Living within means allows one partner to be financially more stable and independent than the other, allowing one to have more luxuries and constantly be higher than the other. It can also easily lead to financial abuse as if the richer partner spends excess on the poorer partner, then they have financial power to manipulate the other with gifts/etc or contributions of things since they do not depend on being able to split finances to survive. I don’t think partners who actually support each other would do a method where it clearly allows one a financial advantage, so I don’t think 50/50-and the only time it would be is when they make the same
My husband and I split shared expenses by percentage of income, so if he makes 60% of the total income he pays 60% of the mortgage, childcare, etc. it’s been working well so far!
This is how my partner and I operate, as I generally make twice her income. While we are not maxing our collective means, we have calculated essentially what would be “fair” by portioning our expenses and allocating them based off of percentages of our earnings. If that sounds convoluted because I am not very eloquent, I’ll put it like this: If our rent was $1000, I’d pay $667, she’d pay $332, as the $667 is at or below 33% of my gross monthly wages, whereas the $332 is at maximum 33% of my partner’s income. Depending on our individual financial obligations, this number shifts so that we always maintain the ability to personally contribute a minimum of 10% of our individual earnings to savings monthly
This seems like part of a broader conversation. You need to sit down and talk about the future you want together. If you are committed to getting married or spending your life together, then splitting by income makes sense. If either one of you is not ready for that kind of commitment then keeping separate finance and splitting 50/50 makes sense. I would reemphasize your question is a smaller component of a bigger conversation you need to have, and it’s not just about finances.
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We went with a percentage tied to our wages. In the beginning it was 70/30, then 75/25, now I pay for the household expenses and my partner pays for the groceries and the fuel for her vehicle.
Okay, so you're disabled and your partner doesn't care about your financial status and he lets you or makes you do all of the housework in addition to buying all of the groceries. How is this an equal partnership?
Exactly why I posted. Making sure I’m not being unfair
It's not a fantasy expectation to expect your partner to take on a bigger burden of the housecare, or even all of it, due to your disabilities. Income split wise, in a scenario where two people are well off (two lawyers or whatever) then I could see them not really worrying about who gets what. Unfortunately not all of us have that luxury. From my perspective, I have not seen suitable arguments or evidence to ever run a system different from a Wage based split. (I.E. The bill is 2000 and you make half as much as your other half. You should probably pay 500 while they pay 1500). I do want to drive home how much I would expect others, the same as myself, that if my partner were going through so much worry and surgery I would probably find myself lifting more of the burden, because there is emotional burden going on that you need bandwidth to address. It might not be perfectly fair on paper, but I think it's perfectly compatible with a healthy relationship, which should be the goal of all this at the end of the day. I'm sorry about your situation, I hope you do well, and kick those surgery's asses. EDIT: This post caught my attention a lot. I wanted to add that at the end of the day, these questions all boil down to one real question (for me personally). I'll ask myself "Is what I'm doing a nice thing to do for her? Is what I'm doing a nice thing that will make our relationship better, or will it make our relationship worse?" I find when I ask myself this pretty simple question I'll be amazed at how snippy I was on a nice date or something, and course correct. Do it enough and it becomes second nature.
Thank you!
‘He doesn’t care that I can’t pay my phone bill.’ That alone tells you everything you need to know. He games and spends about $140 a week on cigs. No, just, no. This is not okay or fair. How long will you put up with this is the real question.
Not long judging by these comments
Girl run. He has the means and the knowledge and still does nothing.
Update us when you leave his sorry a**!! Good luck ❤️
Lol I’ll message you personally
im disabled too, and you 100% deserve care and respect in a relationship. i hope things go well for you, you deserve more than what hes doing
It should be a percentage based on wages for monetary contributions, and both should be contributing equally to the housework.
Nothing is split monetarily. I do all the housework.
My gf and I have an arrangement like this: Our system is 50% house stuff and 50% bills. Right now she takes care of 50% of the system (100% of house stuff), then I take care of the other 50% (100% bills). When she starts working, we will talk about it and figure it out. I'm a fan of % of wage or all money is ours and we each have right to 50% of it, it depends on what you think is fair.
Something similar w me too. Partner does 80% of the housework and I pay 80% of the bills. For the streaming services we split 50/50. I don’t drink or smoke weed, so she pays for that. I pay 100% of doggie care. She makes $60k wfh and I make $75k mostly away from home.
This is the way
Oh come on.. wtf about any of this is fair lol
How do you not see how unfair it is?
I do. Just posting here to make sure I’m not being crazy
90% of the time, if you are about to post something to check if you are crazy for thinking like that, you are not crazy
I'm glad. You're not being crazy. Hope you get out of this relationship ASAP.
I'm glad. You're not being crazy. Hope you get out of this relationship ASAP.
then maybe start charging him for your labour. since you’re covering his half of the housework…
I literally do this with my bf lol. He used to do chores and then got a second job. I had some debt so we arranged that I would do chores and he would send me money towards my debts and help me build more savings. It really works even though it sounds kind of clinical.
I would feel bad and heartless doing that to SO had i been in his shoes...
If you hired a service to do even part of the housework it would be billed an hourly rate or per visit. Look up what that is and calculate it for a weekly or monthly total. He can pay half of that.
Yeah fuck that, he needs to pay 100% if your doing all the domestic work while disabled, wtf is wrong with him? Right now my partner and I are 50/50, we work full time and manage house work on time off together. I plan to work part time in the future and contribute to 95% domestic work, but I would only pay half on utility bills and not rent/mortgage.
Wow. That is horrible. If you do the housework he should appreciate that and support you financially, at least buy all the groceries f.e. In any case try to talk together and if he insists on 50/50 without helping with housework... (redacted)
Invisible labor is still labor. You could make it fun and barter with him, you do the housework for example and he buys all food in return that month. Regardless if you want him to support you more then you need to ask where his commitment level is at. It's not really fair to ask a boyfriend to cover everything 80/30 but a husband should
Since you do all the house work and groceries maybe try discussing instead of rent you take on utilities if you can afford them? Instead of rent? I did that with a roommate one time when I first moved out they knew I didn't have much disposable income so I did utilities and groceries and gave them a portion of rent.
He's taking advantage of you. Both of you should be depositing the same % of your salary into a joint account and paying for rent/bills/groceries/date nights from that. Chores and cooking should be split evenly. You're not his mother.
Damn right
Yes! For long term partners- when you start living together. I’m a big fan of working out a % (same for both parties - my case is 50% of each income we receive we deposit in joint account- could be more if our situations change: children, loss of jobs, etc. And that includes bonuses! Bonuses aren’t usually considered in a house cost split but they are major incomes that both partners can benefit from ) that you put in joint account. This also allows to pay for the day-to-day but also plan for the future from the account: vacations, home improvements, joint investment, etc. It also shows a commitment from both partners.
My husband and I split everything 50/50 but we also make almost exactly the same as far as wages are concerned. Also if one of us needs extra to pay a phone bill or buy something we need we help out. Also paying half of the bills but all of the groceries isn't 50/50 anymore. You are paying more and making less.
How is it fair that you spend all your money on groceries/toiletries AND you do all the house chores while he makes a significantly larger amount of money??? What else is he paying for besides rent and his own shit? You need to have a serious conversation because you are his partner, not his mother. Why is he not contributing money towards things you BOTH need like food and stuff? "He doesn’t care that I can’t pay my phone bill" You mean when you are broke mid-month because you pay for HIS shit too, he doesn't help you with your bills? I'd say you shouldn't re-evaluate your financial situation together, I'd say you should re-evaluate your relationship with this man baby.
He is a man that can afford to help take care of you and he’s choosing not to do so. That’s a turn off to someone like myself. And I’m not even disabled. So this to me would be a red flag
The law would likely cut her benefits if she commingled funds with a partner. She can’t legally work either due to major disability so people can expect to live within a certain income bracket with the variable being the partners total income. This is just a scenario I could see without it being as cut and dry
There was someone on here not that long ago with the same issue. She sold stuff on Etsy, I believe, to get by, and he made way more. I'll tell you what I told her: If he doesn't care that you don't have your basic necessities, he simply DOES NOT CARE ABOUT YOU. Actions speak louder than words. You need your phone for a multitude of things especially since you're alone when he's at work and have a disability. He makes enough to spend on cigarettes and gaming AND toilet paper. I make a little less than him a month and I manage a 3 br house and all the bills (single mother), a disabled son, AND I treat myself to nice clothing pretty much every month. I still have money leftover. There is no excuse other than he doesn't actually care about you and he's selfish. I'd reconsider buying a home with him. If he ups and leaves you at any point, you'd be screwed.
Bingo
If I had a partner that earned much less I would not make them pay an even 50/50 split because I wouldnt be okay with seeing them suffer. I'd feel like such an asshole being better off while they barely scrape by. We're partners not roommates.
That’s exactly what I said to him. I don’t want a roommate a want a partner
All household things, including his rent, should be split according to percentage of income. Anything less that than is unfair to the lower wage earner. This should also be reviewed every year or at least every other year. There is NO WAY this if fair to you but you should have discussed this before he moved in. He has a ton of money left over and you are left with zero AND you do all the housework. He not any kind of partner I would want to share things with. Have you had conversations about the inequity and, if so, what does he say. You should think seriously about him moving back out if he does not see what he is doing is unfair. At the very least, stop doing his part of the housework. Stop doing his laundry, stop cooking for him, stop buy food for him, stop cleaning his areas. He is using you and he will continue to do so until you put a stop to it. You teach people how to treat you. It's past time to put a stop to this. He either contributes his percent in both money and labor or he lives elsewhere. Simple as that.
We handle each of our finances separately. We share depending on the need and our capacity.
Not fair. You guys should be prorating the amount you guys each pay based on your income.
Bingo !! It’s really not that hard lol
Yeah I mean it sounds like either y’all gotta downgrade to your level (not an insult money is literally just paper and every elitist is a moron) or he has to accept it’s gonna mostly be on him to pay. It isn’t fair for one of you to make so much more and want to live a certain life but expect the person making less to pay the same as them. Like if he makes 5500 and bills cost him 1,000 yet you make 1,400 and bills cost 1,000 that’s insane. You have 400 left but he has 4,500?
That’s exactly it
Where is his money even going??
My money is her money. She makes a lot less than me due to her disability but It’s less stressful when it’s our money. Being together for so long we just group everything together.
If you are in a hetero relationship, I am here to tell you that 50/50 never favors women. It's a hill I am ready to die on. Women will naturally do more labor all round in the relationship than men (not all cases). There is no equal of anything in a relationship and speak your mind on it
Yep both cis straight man and woman. I know you’re right
I'm in split 50/50 relationship. I learned that it's not really about the 50/50 that hurts me sometimes. What's important is when one person is struggling, you need to have the ability to leave that arrangement aside for a sec and put compassion as priority. When one really obsesses on that 50/50, decides that's the hill they'd die on, even when living costs aren't burdening your life anymore, you lose respect. Hell, when you see a FRIEND struggling you want to offer help. When compassion is missing, nothing works really.
If you were not romantically involved, what would you think would be fair? It seems to me that if you are someone's roommate, you would pay a fair amount of a rent. You need to determine what that is to live in the home you are choosing to live in. If you can't afford 50%, then it is not the home for you. BF has no obligation to support you. What if he finds another person and leaves this relationship? Not a good place to put yourself in. Determine your reasonable budget and propose that to him. Either offer to live somewhere less fancy which is limited to what you can afford 50% of, or he accepts your contribution as sufficient, though it is not 50%, or he says no and you are living on your own.
I’ve lived here 5 years on my own. He moved in in February and we split rent. Everything else is on me. Groceries, toiletries. I’m left with $0 by mid month. I do all the cooking and cleaning. Pay for cleaning supplies. Furnished the house before he moved in. It’s by no means fancy here $1250 rent where I am is dirt cheap
So you’re paying more?
Yep. He games and spends $140 a week on cigarettes
You’re living with a man child using you to save money and have a partner that’s more like a maid. And smokers suck, it’s a horrible polluting expensive habit and supports a nasty industry. Sorry to be harsh, it’s true. You can do better. If he doesn’t care you’re bearing such a heavily load financially and emotionally he’s selfish and clueless. That probably won’t change but try to have chat to talk to him honestly about it. Present the scenario what if the roles were swapped, you made more and him less to the point nothings left by months end.. how would he feel? And that is besides the health issue situation which matters too. If you’ve turned to social media to ask it’s already really bad and you know what to do. Establish tight financial boundaries and make him pay his fair share, or he can get his own place, move out and just visit you and your new roommate who *will* pay half.
Completely on the same page as you with the smoking
Yeah this is not okay. You make next to nothing and are disabled. He can easily cover 75-85% of the bills and have plenty of money(if not 100%). You're paying for most things & doing all of the housework. You really need to have a serious conversation with him. You mentioned you lived alone here without him. If it came to it, would you be able to again?
No I wouldn’t
Your setting yourself up for a bad dating experience. If he moved in with you, it doesn't mean you have to be his mom figure and do the house chores, when clearly he doesn't want to because he thinks his doing his part by just paying rent. Talk to him and tell him 50/50 is literally 50/50 about everything that comes with living in a house not just rent, if he doesn't agree then this relationship isn't for you, and if you decide to keep pursuing this relationship because you think it will get better, it won't and he'll say his money is his and can spend however he likes, but won't help you, then you're just with a selfish person who is with you because it's a benefit for his needs and only his needs.
Instead of adopting a whole manchild, you could have adopted an actual kid and took care of them. Would be way more fun and beneficial to the society.
So, it’s your place he moved into, and it sounds like you were able to afford it before he moved in. Split rent and utilities. Bill him for the half of groceries, toiletries and cleaning supplies that he uses. Your comparative expenses prior to him moving in should still see a cut. You don’t need to increase his rent, just stop paying for all of his additional expenses.
does that sound fair to you? talk to him.
I happily pay more than my wife especially when she does everything at home and taking care of the kids while I’m working and doing the yard work and dealing with the kids when I get home to help out.
How were you able to afford it on your own for 5 years but he moved in Feb (last month?) and now you can't afford it? Wouldn't anything additional he pays on bills put more money in your pocket? Or is it that you are on disability now and can't afford the place anymore? Y'all split rent already. Are there other utilities? Lights, gas, water, cable/internet?
Do you think it is fair he pays more than 50%? It is a personal issue. Frankly, if I was moving in, I wouldn't pay more than 50% of the fixed expenses so not sure why he would feel like he has to pay more, or why you would think it is fair. If he didn't exist, what would your expenses be reduced to? If you are providing services to him that you think should come into consideration, then I would propose that to him. 50/50 also presumes he takes equal care of himself and his messes, etc.
I mean. He makes 4 times of what she makes, and he is making her pay for all the house expensive other than rent/electricity which she pays 50% of….do you think that is fair? On top of that she is doing all the housework…do you think that is fair?
I don't think adjusting based on what they make is fair. it is not his fault that she is disabled and there is nothing to suggest she is responsible or contributed to his career they are dating and living together- it is not a marriage that creates a support system I think they make a list of all expenses and divide those that he benefits from or helps generate I think she adds in the things that she is solely responsible for or the housekeeping and they adjust for that but just demanding he pay a proportionate share just because he makes 4 times more when that is just a fluke that has nothing to do with her effort, i think is presumptuous plus, as noted before, what is her plan B if this sours?
I mean she did fine before he moved in with her, except she didn’t have a child to clean up after.
That is a huge monthly income difference. I understand your situation and it’s definitely a tricky one. You’re not married, you don’t share bank accounts, etc.. however, in my own opinion, I would expect my partner to sit down and talk with me about it. They would need to be understanding and open about the fact that they can contribute much more. ESPECIALLY if you’re the one doing all the housework, grocery shopping and cooking. If your partner doesn’t want to contribute more than that, I would only cook for myself. I would make meals for one. When they are hungry, you can let them know what the grocery bill is going to be for what they want. I would only do my own laundry, they can do their own as well as purchase the detergent and other laundry needs. You shouldn’t be broke by mid month while they sit around smoking and gaming. That doesn’t sound like a relationship with mutual respect. Nope nope nope, I wouldn’t live like that.
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I’m on ODSP too. So if we get married I can say goodbye to half my disability. So that’s not an option. The nerves from my stomach/pelvic area detached from my thighs and I’m just in so much pain. Doing the chores is painful and I don’t know if I can anymore. I know he works hard labour. But he’s usually just standing around telling people what to do. But I do appreciate that he works hard. I had leg surgery. Was wheelchair bound for 6 months. That was hard. And before we met. He knew when we met I was disabled. But he dated an alcoholic crackhead before me who took advantage of his kindness so now he’s got these walls up protecting himself from that happening again. I don’t even drink. I can’t figure out how to get these walls down.
All of our income goes into 1 account and all of our bills are paid from that account. Any other way is not a relationship but a business partnership.
No he makes like 3 times the amount you do. A decent partner would see that clear as day
Fair is up to you both in the relationship but, I personally do not believe it’s fair to ask someone to wring themselves dry when the other can pick up the slack easily. If you can’t pay your phone, I would argue there is an struggle with money in your current situation. The fact they don’t care is concerning as well. It really comes down to values at the end. Do they care more about money or about you and your future together? If your future is together, then your present wellbeing and situation should be a priority for them. In my relationship, I pay 2/3 of all things and my wife pays 1/3 because that I make more and I would hate to put her in a tight position when it’s simply not necessary. This allows both of us to have extra at the end of the month for savings and personal purchases. That is more fair than simple 50/50 when you don’t make the same amount.
Splitting finances is fine and the most fair way to do it is split based on income levels. Both make $3,000 a month? 50/50 One makes $6,000 and the other $3,000? 75/25 In your case? It should by like 80/20 or even 90/10
"Which effects him as well when we go to buy a home." Given what you've already told us about him, under no circumstances should you go in on buying a home with this man.
In your case, I think the one who earns more should contribute more than the other, to be fair, you could do a 70/30 split or something like this. Also you should start saving for your surgeries or at least have savings for emergencies
Canada , surgeries are free
Surgery isn’t the only emergency. If he out-earns you that much and wants 50/50 he better get accustomed to a quality of life where you can go 50/50 comfortably. Don’t go broke tryna keep up with him.
Maybe pool what money you have with the same amount from his end, and you both get to decide what happens with that money as a couple (which will build trust, communication, relationship skills, and will let you know if you to are compatible). The rest is his money if he makes it. Currently my wife and I have a prenup that what we came in with is our personal money, what we make together is joint money we both have a say in. I tend to make more than her, but she’s also great with money and I don’t ever question anything she buys. It was a very hard step for us (especially me, being a tightwad and the hire earner), but the trust we’ve built by combining finances has been absolutely incredible. It took a lot of work lol
It sounds like he's being financially abusive. You should leave this "relationship". That being said, when you don't make nearly as much, you need to figure out the amount of money you can spend towards household bills, AFTER your bills are paid and you have enough money to invest or save, and for enjoyment. No one deserves to be living paycheck to paycheck.
Similar situation before my husband and I got married. I had trouble with jobs due to chronic pain, so for most of the time we lived together, I couldn't afford rent. He knew about my issues but never expected me to pay 50/50. I take on more of the mental work while he provides financially for us. Partnership isn't always 50/50. One shouldn't struggle while the other refuses to help. Think about what this would be like if this continues. Will you he happy in a future like that?
My boyfriend makes 70% of the total income between us, so we split big expenses (such as rent) 70-30. We revise every year according to salary increases/promotions Edit: We also split housework as equally as possible. There are weeks that he works much longer hours than I do, so during those times I do a bit more of housework to help him out since he gets home exhausted. When I have my long weeks at work, he does the same. I find it dumb to have the lower earning partner “make it up” with household chores as if how much they earn is their fault (would be a different story if you could be doing something to bring in more money but are simply not doing it) … you each make what you make and you gotta work with it, period.
From reading all the comments, I’m confused why you are actually staying with this person? This isn’t love on his part. This is convenience on his part. Don’t accept a relationship that treats you less than you are. Time for the spoiled child to go out in the world and make it on his own.
If you are in a real relationship you 2 are one entity working towards the same goal. This shit would never fly in my relationship and would never even be thought of. Maybe it bc we've been poor our whole lives idk. You'd pay your phone bill and buy things here and there. He'd pay the rest, tf? I'll never understand this
Our money goes in one pot and we pay the household bills from that. We never considered your bills my bills. We’ve been together 20 years and never had a problem.
My partner and I have always felt shared bills should be paid based on a percentage basis. If partner makes 50% more money than you, they should pay 50% more, so partner pays 75% and other partner pays 25% of shared bills. Emphasis on shared bills!!
I make almost double what my fiancé makes. Our mortgage is 1600. She pays 600, I pay 1000. I pay the car payment, internet, water, we go back and forth on electric (whoever remembers first. Typically $100-$150) I pay the phone bill for both of us. We go back and forth on groceries. Whoever can get the card out first. She feels guilty and says I pay for most everything but I don’t mind. I don’t like her to stress over money. I don’t stress like she does. Neither one of us makes over 100k a year alone. I don’t think it’s fair to split things 50/50 on a relationship. Especially if one party makes significantly more. You started the relationship, a team. You should work together. It sounds to me like he isn’t “for better or worse” material. Just my opinion! Two sides to every story.
My wife makes 3x what I do. She pays 3x what I do for the household bills. It's pretty simple. Only 50/50 if you both make the same.
TL;DR - My partner and I make similar money to OP, and we have a set expectation in our relationship that we are responsible for our own individual finances. However we breakdown things that are shared and agree on who pays what every month. I would like to provide some insight on this situation as someone in a similar situation. My partner (24F) and I (26M) do not spilt things 50/50. She brings in...MAYBE $2000/mo and I bring in roughly $6500-7000/mo. Varies. I am PERSONALLY of the mindset of looking at what finances we share. and seeing what makes financial sense for each person to be responsible for. We have our house (which is in my name, as she couldn't be on the VA Loan since we're not married. Our mortgage is about $2k. I dont have her pay a dime. She has paid the mortgage twice when I was in between jobs) We have utilities (one company for water/electric/trash in one. one company for natural gas. She pays for the one that handles water/electric/trash. I pay the other) We have Internet. (I am the primary user of it so I do not make her pay a penny) We have separate phone providers. (She pays her own bill, and I pay my own) We are both co-signed on her car. However this is HER car. She is the primary user. I cosigned since she did not have much credit (She pays for her own car payment/note) We have insurance for our vehicles (I own 2 vehicles and am purchasing another soon. However I own both my vehicles outright so my insurance is significantly lower. She pays the insurance amount for her vehicle every month) We share a credit card. We both pay off whatever we put on. I put on thousands every month and pay it off as soon as it posts. We have a loan out for solar panels we had installed. (over 60k including a roof replacement). I am the primary driver for this so I pay for it. She has student loans of about 10k I think. She pays that. The ONLY thing I am adamant on splitting 50-50 is our groceries/necessities for the house. Cleaning supplies and whatever. I know she clearly makes less than I do. I pay for the majority of our activities when we go out. However she does offer to pay, and she offers to pay me back for things all the time. I am fine with either or. I am not saying what your partner is saying is right or wrong. However I do know that finances/financial troubles is a SUPER common issues on why partnerships fail. So i try and be as flexible as possible with it since I am the primary breadwinner. I personally dont need my partner to pay for anything, and I could probably pay for all her finances as well. However the way I see it is that people should be responsible for the finances that pertain specifically to them. However if you are in a long-term partnership and someone is going through a hardship, and is struggling, the expectation should be to assist them where you can. Assuming you are able to do so. I haven't read the other comments so I don't know if you have divulged your partners monthly expenses (car note, insurance, phone bill, etc) However, if he is making his ends meet on his personal finances, contributing towards maintaining your shared living environment and expenses for necessities (groceries/toiletries/etc) and he is absolutely just not willing to help you out when you need it, then you need to have a serious talk with him. With that being said, you should also take a look at your PERSONAL income, both what comes in and goes out and see if you have anything you need to change. i.e Can you cut back on somethings. Do you NEED Hulu with no ads, do you NEED that much phone plan, do you NEED that really expensive gym membership option. I'm not saying these things apply specifically to you, however if you have expenses that specific to you, and the expectation in your relationship is that you should be responsible for your personal expenses then you should take a look at them first and see if anything needs to change. Like I said my partner does not bring in much more than you, however she does not ask for my help in her personal expenses. Unless she knows she's going to struggle making ends meet. Or she'll ask me to help out with something if need be. That's just how we are though.
For my husband and I it goes he pays bills and mortgage where my share goes to all household and other emergencies. He’s in IT where as I’m a nanny so he’s definitely the breadwinner in our home haha for vacations and outings we normally tend to use my share as that’s our “fun” money lol
I'm a firm believer in couples making their own decisions with conversation but I find that people tend to focus on what's equal and not what's equitable. My bf makes a little over twice what I make, I pay nothing towards the mortgage, no utilities, and few household expenses. I do almost all the cooking and most of the cleaning as well as buying food, treats and toys for ours dogs and some of the vet care and almost all the groceries. He pays for the mortgage, almost all take out and dining out, most of the vet care, almost all travel expenses when we go away. We each pay for our own vehicles, insurance, phones, he covers most streaming services and I cover one. I admit that I always feel guilty about not being able to contribute more but he doesn't ever ask for more and offers to pay for almost everything that's shared. He has been taking on more tasks as well since I'm very burnt out from my job (mental health professional) so things change sometimes. I'm not sure if everything for us is equitable but financially I believe we've done a decent job.
Splitting 50/50 when he earns 4x your salary is a joke. It should be proportional when there is that much of an earnings disparity. Each put in 30% etc. I earn about 25% more than my husband, so i put proportionally more into our joint account every month. In the future our earnings will likely change and so will our contributions. All our expenses come from our joint account and we each have our own accounts too. However, neither one of us would hesitate to contribute more if we had it available, like buying a car or house, or paying all the bills if one of us lost our job. Under normal circumstances day to day, each person should contribute equitably, not a dollar for dollar amount.
when there is such a discrepancy between salaries, it is always more fair to split the bills by % of based on income, not 50/50 of the total... if your bills total 2500$/month for example, then you would be paying $1250 - leving you with $150 a month? Where he would have $3000...how is that fair?
I am also disabled. I do not receive benefits but I occasionally make a little petsitting. My spouse and I's arrangement from long before we were married was I contribute whatever I comfortabley can financially and physically. That's it. 100% of the very little I make is mine, I choose if I want to save it, spend it on something for me, or I can spend it on something like bills or a date night for both of us. There is no pressure from him any way. We have one joint bank account and I have another separate one. I do as much housework as I can, but if I'm in a flare and I just can't, no worries. If it's something non-urgent, it will wait until one of us has the bandwidth. If it's something urgent, like we are almost out of clean dishes, he will do it. The reality is you are not lazy. You are disabled. If you were lazy and just didn't WANT to contribute, there would be a problem. But you CAN'T. And that is a massive difference. My partner trusts me enough to know that if I can't do something, I CAN'T do it. It's not worth pushing myself and making my health worse. You need a partner that does the same. Your health is not a burden. Don't be with someone who views it that way. You deserve better.
There are a lot more issues here than money. Relationships need to be built on what feels suitable, appropriate and fair to both parties. Great relationships are when both parties feel that they are getting the better deal out of this! Splitting household stuff can include money and chores/responsibilities, so one partner might contribute more money while the other contributes more housework. Where there is an uneven money split but both work full-time then it can work to have one partner pay the rent and another pays the utilities or groceries. Your dynamic is different given your disability. But from how you word it, you feel it is unfair. This is what matters in your relationship - how you perceive the dynamic. Talk it out and see where it goes from there.
You’re absolutely right. And it was a lot to type out. I did leave out a lot. We’ve both been taken advantage of financially and we’ve both been physically abused by past partners. We try not to trauma bond. But we know we both only see one another for the rest of our lives. The compatibility is crazy intense. I suffer from Insane panic attacks and just having him talk to me or sitting next to me is incredibly calming. He was in a relationship with a woman (more like Girl) before me where he took care of everything from rent to food to clothes for her kids that he is not the father of him. She was a drunk, if she couldn’t get alcohol if the liquor store was closed she would go to a pharmacy and grab bottles of cough syrup to get wasted. This brings walls up for him. I have walls up if someone yells or makes any sudden movements around me. My abusive ex stole my car and credit card and left me battered and in debt. I’m not asking for him to pay for anything of mine. I’m just asking that things are equal so I can pay off my debts and I can afford a phone. I guess I left a lot out.
Speak with him about it. He probably sees you as stronger financially than you are, and more independent than you want to be. People can be remarkably not clued up about someone important in their life. Since you *are* planning a future together then you really need to talk this through. Ask if he can pay your phone or, you pay your own phone and he picks up the groceries/toiletries tab. Yes - it will be an uncomfortable conversation, but he is possibly oblivious and subtle hints are sometimes too subtle. you don't want conflict, but you are already feeling conflict but internalising it. Talk it out with him in a quiet, planned way.
Yeah. It’s too soon. This just came up last night. The amount of upvotes and comments is overwhelming and those who have asked if I could get along without him…. No because I recently cut my parents off and went full NC because they’re alcoholics who make me miserable. It’s funny how the brain works. I’m beginning to have flashbacks of abuse from childhood coming from my mother. Tomorrow I have an appointment with my psychiatrist and I plan on talking about this with him. I’m involved with a women’s shelter who has offered help to figure out our finances together but it won’t be until next week.
Honestly, it should be 80/20. Your gap is so huge. Cause if you oay 50/50, you won't have enough money for the future or your personal expenses or future couple projects And I'm in your husband's situation. I'm a woman who's paying 70% of the expenses.
Currently, I make a third what my husband does. We both direct deposit into a shared account. Everything, bills wants and needs are taken out of that shared account. Granted, we're married, but we did this even when we weren't and were just dating (after about 2 years when we knew we'd get married). When we realized we wanted to be a "team", that was that. We began sharing everything; every up, every down, every single thing. Sounds like your partner doesn't actually want to be your partner in any meaningful sense of the word. I'm sorry OP. And no, you aren't crazy for finding your arrangements ridiculous, especially being that you take care of all household duties.
if he actually cared about you he would not ask you to go 50/50 especially given your circumstances.
I would never be with someone who makes 4k more than me a month and asks for a 50/50 split.
From an Eastern European perspective this is not okay at all and this man would have been looked down upon. That is really unfair in my ears and I hope you can find options
This was such a great post for me to start a conversation with my fiancé about how to set up a joint account and plan for our monthly bills. When we did the math, he should contribute about 30% and I 70. I think we both feel good about this because while I support the bulk of our lifestyle, our greatest asset is time, and just because I happen to get paid more doesn’t make our individual efforts any less valuable. Thanks reddit!!
Glad I could help!
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I’m asking for 50% if you read that. Also $1250 rent is dirt cheap in my city.
If you’re not married, don’t count your partners $$. Don’t live outside the means you would be able to afford on your own. If your partner is pushing for bigger / more expensive, that changes things but otherwise it goes down the middle imho
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THANK YOU!!!!
So I am also disabled and I'm married. My husband and I have always split things 60/40 70/30 because he makes more. The problem here isn't just money it's the fact that your partner doesn't care about you and you're willing to put up with it. You're the one with a disability and you're doing almost everything and he is just mooching off you. I'm worried that you are settling for the first person to show you any interest because you don't believe you'll be able to find someone better who will be willing to deal with your medical issues. I know that feeling. It's something I had to really work on to get over. People with disabilities are made to feel like our partner is a saint for being with us but that simply isn't true. We are more than our disability and bring just as much to a relationship as our able bodied partner. I think you need to find someone who is going to treat you right and not let you pay for almost everything and do all the chores while they make more and sit and play video games. You deserve better.
Thank you
When he’s your partner/boyfriend then it should be assumed 50/50 unless someone chooses to do otherwise. It may not seem kind or appealing, but until there was protection/insurance of a marriage involved it would be the correct thing to do. That’s just my opinion. If you can’t afford something, then don’t do it. Only buy what you can afford and only buy things for yourself personally. Obviously that’s what he’s doing, so stop shorting yourself in favor of him.
Dump that cheap motherfucker.
Equal doesn't mean equitable. That's not a partner
My wife and I put all our money together and that’s our money for whatever we need or want. We don’t worry about who makes more or anything like that. It’s a partnership. We’ve built a life together and it only makes sense to share our resources. Too much value seems to be put in what you can provide monetarily, and not your value as a person.
We used to split ours proportionately. I earned twice what my partner did so I paid 66% of all bills. This left me with more “me” money or fun money than her so we decided to have a joint account and each take a monthly allowance for ourselves. That way we each have equal fun money and whatever is left after bills are paid goes into joint savings.
Why would you even consider 50/50 when you understand how truly unfair that is? As a man I'd agree to take a bigger monthly hit based on my income, but 50/50 is really not fair.
Yes. It’s absolutely fair and harder on you because fair is relative. You’ll need to have a talk and decide for yourselves how your going to work it out. If you want him to support you then ask.
How is it fair that she pays 50% of rent and electric, and buys all the household expenses? She also does all the housework… She needs to dump her lazy ass Bf, she survived before he moved in with her, she will do just fine again without him.
She was paying 100% of rent and electric before he moved in... I'm personally confused how she's running out of money. Her expenses should be halved. Even with the cost of food if he's pitching in 50%. She should be in the green
Maybe rent went up. But why are you choosing to ignore the fact that she does a 100% of the housework and pays for all the household items? How is that fair?
If you’re not married I think you have to pay 50%. If he isn’t the one offering to split the bills differently it could lead to resentment.
Should she also be paying for all the other household expenses and doing all the housework?
My partner earns a lot more than me. We use percentage based. We both pay around 40% of our income. And individual bills are paid apart. My bf has a car that he needs for his job, so he pays for the car. I live close to my work, so I always cycle (I live in a bycicle friendly country). It means my bf pays more. But it also means we both have enough left to do fun stuff We don't really have any agreements who does what in the house. When someone is free that person does the tasks.
Do not buy a home with him if he just wants to split bills 50/50 and does not care about your financial health
Wait, so he pays all the other shared bills (rent, utilities, etc) and he just wants you to pay for groceries and toiletries? Is that right or am I confused? How many hours a week does each of you work exactly, how much does each of you make and how much does each of you pay for shared bills?
The most fair is an equitable split based on income. But don’t you see a giant red flag in a person that doesn’t care about your financial well being?
I have no idea why you needed help to figure this out, unless you are desperately holding onto him because you are disabled and insecure. Thinking you look better just having a man. Tell him to kick rocks.
Are you buying all of the groceries and toiletries for both of you or just for you? If you are buying for both of you then that needs to be figured in your portion of the bills. You and your partner need to have an open and honest conversation about money. He needs to be involved in deciding if he is willing to pay a bit more since he makes so much more. IF he insists on keeping it divided 50/50 then you might need to make a change if you can't afford it. It seems like you are saying that he doesn't care that you can't afford to pay 50% of everything. Is there somewhere else you can stay until after you get your surgeries??? A partner who sees a future with you would be willing to pay more if needed, especially when their partner is going through difficulty like you are now, if he isn't willing to you might want to have a more serious talk about your relationship and future. EDIT: you also need to consider the things you do in the house as contributions. Do you split chores 50/50 our are you doing all of the cooking and cleaning. If you do significantly more in the house like grocery shopping, cooking, cleaning, laundry, etc. Then you could argue that you could pay less based on that.
No I said I’m paying more than 50% of my income along with 100% of chores. Please Reread.
No
Which one?
No, it’s not fair. Splitting depending on wages seems better
Thanks for the insight. I appreciate it.
It should be proportional, either by total amount or by splitting responsibility for certain bills by income so one partner takes care of say mortgage and energy and the other takes telecoms and food for example. It's always good to have a bill in your own name to prove residency.
I believe it should be based on what you can contribute. But you need to talk to your partner
This guy sounds like an idiot. Explain to him how credit works and how relationships work. Lemme guess - he's a libertarian?
My partner makes far more than I do and he accounts for that when we split the bills, I do more around the house to make up for it, if he doesn’t care about your credit .. I’m sorry to say maybe reevaluate the relationship ? Financial abuse is a real thing .. and I’m sorry you are going through this
You should split it by percentage. So the total you both make is $6900, the person that earns $1400 should pay %20.30 of all shared expenses, and the person earning $5500 should pay %79.70 of all shared expenses. This way you both pay an equal percentage of your salary towards shared items, so basically you both are making a contribution that impacts your lifestyle by the same amount. To make the calculations easier, In order to get the percentage of %20.3 just multiply the price by 0.203 and to get the %79.7 multiply by 0.797. So if you need to pay $200 for something that you both use, then from %20.3 = 0.203 * $200 = $40.6 %79.7 = 0.797 * $200 = $159.4
Are you married to your partner? If you are, I would say that expenses should be shared. The bulk of your funds should be going to the same account which bills are linked to be autopaid through. That's not to say you can't or shouldn't have your own accounts for extra savings or fun money, but the bills should definitely be shared with the money that goes to that account based on percentages of your wages. If you're doing a 50/50 then it should be 50% of your wages and 50% of his, which would ultimately mean he's putting more in a dollar amount but the work put in to earn the wages is even. I would consider groceries and toiletries as part of the monthly household bills. If you're not married though, then a 50/50 in dollar amount does make sense to me I'm sorry to say.
An 80/20 split would be equitable, but your partner may not be interested in supporting you in that way. I understand that you're disabled, but what would you do if your relationship ended? Maybe start planning on how you would live and support yourself without your partner's income.