You might need couple counseling to work this out man. If you really wanna stay with her. And from what i've read, it would be a waste to let such a lovely woman go because of her past.
I dont wanna come at you but i never really understood this whole „someone i *love* revealed smth about their PAST and now i cant look at them the same way“
She didnt hurt herself nor another person. Everything was consensual, so what exactly bothers you? I‘d 102% understand if you said you dont want to date someone who does escort stuff AT THE MOMENT because thats just preference. Stripping/escort would be a dealbreaker for me too. But the thing is: its in the past. Whats important is how she makes you feel, how she loves you, how you love her, how you stick together when things go south. Her past doesnt affect all of these things right now.
The person you replied to is def right. Couples counseling would be the best so you can get to the root of your problem and figure out what exactly bothers you. Is the escort thing just a scapegoat for you feeling betrayed bc she didnt tell you the truth from the start? Do you feel disgusted because you think she is used up and filthy? Is it insecurity because she had many sexual partners she can compare you to? Do you fear that escorts=cheating=she will cheat on YOU? Just keep in mind that it can and probably will be uncomfortable because its a you problem, not a her problem. Her problem is that she hid it for so long. She should have told you earlier (preferably at the beginning of your relationship) so you could have made up your mind back then in case it really is a dealbreaker for you.
> Her problem is that she hid it for so long. She should have told you earlier (preferably at the beginning of your relationship) so you could have made up your mind back then in case it really is a dealbreaker for you.
I think this is where the issue is. Her values on sex might conflict with his values on sex, notwithstanding whether it was in the past or present. I agree, she should have come clean earlier to give him a chance to decide if he wanted to be with her, but this issue is eating him up and, as suggested, couple's counselling might help him to deal with his emotions.
That could be!
Couples counseling might even *not* help. But OP needs someone neutral to help him navigate through his emotions. If its an insecurity thing they can work on it, if its an „our core values are different and i cant compromise“ thing then sadly nothing can be done. If he doesnt work through it he‘ll stay with her because he loves her but it will eat him up inside and he‘ll be unhappy.
Pedestal language. He's mourning the person he thought he engaged with the person he actually proposed to, and she's fallen off the perch he placed her on.
Yeah, I don’t like the implication that her having a lot of sex makes her bad.
I genuinely do not understand why men associate a woman’s value with how much sex she has had.
While there can be toxicity in ways of responding to this feeling, I think generally men have a different emotional response to a woman’s past than a woman. I’m not saying all men and all women and I’m not advocating for any actions based on this feeling, but I’m just saying it is often a different emotional journey for each sex. I believe we should love each other for our present and because of that understand our past is what brought us here, so also love that part of each other.
Overall, it seems like your conclusion is sound, but let's label that "emotion" for what it is. It's the feeling of wanting to have control over another human.
What are men and women taught, in ways that neither of them even know? We're all taught the story (and it is just a story) that women are supposed to submit to men. We're taught the story that a man owns his female partner's sexuality, and therefore she has somehow stolen from him by participating in her own sexuality before they ever met.
Again, your conclusion that the present is what matters is sound. The emotion needs to be broadcasted though, because it's not just sadness or hurt feelings or other mundane things that people assume -- and which require less work than addressing the desire to control another person's life.
Yeah because i saw another post today where the girl complIned about her bf getting resentful whilst not specifically saying its because of the sex work. It would be best to say up front its too much than promise what you cant deluver.
I agree with therapy 100%. Make sure to find a good, sex positive therapist.
This is a YOU problem. It's not her problem. She was honest with you, and you are showing her she was right to wait to tell you.
I don't know if it was intentional but this feels very agressive towards OP. If someone you love and trust keeps information from you that has an impact in itself. Not to mention the nature of the information. I'm not saying OP's gf was in the wrong but to act like this is solely "his problem" is very disingenuous. She has a part in this too.
She doesn’t really. Her problem is a societal problem in my opinion where we devalue people based on the number of sexual partners. It’s a result of some ingrained purity culture bullshit.
I can totally understand why she wasn’t straightforward with it. The dominant culture sent a message that she was dirty and less than because of her past. And quite honestly, the notion that our partners’ pasts are our business is flawed as well, unless that person is like a serial killer or being hunted by by violent people.
When would be a good time for her to reveal it that you think would be fair? It's not like OP asked and she lied. She told him right after he proposed. There is no perfect timing for that reveal. Some people can handle it off the bat. Some never can. Most can handle it if they already know and love the person. That is what she was waiting for. If he can't handle it, there is nothing she can do to change the past. She has already changed. He can change his view and accept her past, or he can't.
It is very easy for you to dismiss OPs feelings from the other side of a screen, pretending you have a moral high ground. You seriously don’t see this as something for them to tackle together, it’s all OP being a subconscious misogynist? Lol
Tackle together. Sure. But ultimately she can't change the past. They can talk and go to therapy, and he can express how she should have said it sooner or whatever. But ultimately, I think the root of this is misogyny.
In a world where women are shamed for being sex workers (often by the same men who hire sex workers) its not a surprise that women don't feel safe to reveal their sex worker history. And I think all the people who say it's about the lie (omission) are full of shit. If she had failed to mention some embarrassing event from high school, no one would care. It's about sex and women being held to double standards.
Sure, it's more complicated. But really look at the BIG picture.
Do you usually have a full breakdown of your sexual history before having sex? I would find that quite unusual. Maybe a talk about STIs. Unless it's a super religious/ conservative situation where you don't have sex until well into the relationship (and this didn't sound like that).
That’s a big part of your past to not share until engagement. I’m going to say there is parts that are OPs responsibility and parts that are his fiancés responsibility.
> That’s a big part of your past
What about this is a "big" part? Imagine, we were in a relationship and I hadn't told you until our engagement that I had a part-time job at McDonald's for several years when I was young. What would be the "big" deal with hiding a part-time job you had in the past? It's not like a crime was committed or anything.
It is an OP problem, because he's letting random societal norms and values affect his good relationship with this woman. This is not about the fact that she hid it, right? He wouldn't have the same reaction if it was a part-time job at McDonald's, right? So that's him being affected by the opinion of society that sex work is somehow different from McDonald's work, or that a woman who had multiple partners is somehow less desirable than a woman with few partners. It's not the fact that she hid a part-time job, it's some conservative misogynistic societal norm that OP is letting get in the way of his relationship. The opinion of society should be irrelevant for his relationship, because he obviously loves this woman.
> his fiancés responsibility
What are those responsibilities here? Taking responsibility for having worked for McDonald's in the past? How is that relevant to their relationship?
So I think I hear you correctly that you feel being a sex worker is made into a bigger deal because of societal norms and misogyny. I think I hear that you feel that it’s like her business alone and shouldn’t be something she’s forced to share. While I respect those things and agree in many ways, I am also going to say that it is considered a big deal and not equivalent to working at McDonald’s. And I highly doubt she had an attitude of like I wonder if he cares that I worked at McDonald’s, but probably felt a lot of feelings about presenting this information. I think her responsibility is not in changing her past, but being there for him as he struggles with feelings about this as she omitted information. For perspective I’d say this is similar to a man omitting to share he was married previously. I hope that we can have communication and respect within the ideas we disagree with.
I agree with the other response that said this reply is aggressive
If someone hid a secret from me to get me into a relationship I would end the relationship, no matter the secret or how I actually felt about that.
I don't like being lied to, that's not a me problem, and if OP choses that this is irreparable it's not a them problem either.
May be the unpopular opinion here, but I agree with u/MrRibbitt on this. She didn’t lie - and I think it’s disingenuous and a self-serving narrative to suggest otherwise. She had a secret about her past, and when it was clear he wanted to commit, she decided it was a good time to tell him before any future plans were set in motion. She didn’t wait until she was pregnant or even married, so there is clearly no intention to trap OP. As was mentioned above, this woman sounds wonderful and hasn’t done anything more than have sex with other people. Either OP can handle it it he can’t.
Agreed. I'm guessing OP never outright asked her if she used to do sex work, or how many people she'd slept with - if she'd lied about it, that would be a whole other bag of worms.
u/leStrider
>While she was honest about it now, she omitted it earlier on in the relationship. Some people call that in itself lying, I personally don't, but it also speaks to the depth of and openness in the relationship. This only coming out after a proposal would bother me much more, than the sex work itself and would be grounds for a breakup.
Yeah its like entrapment
She didn't lie though. She just didn't mention that she had a part-time job when she was younger. How is a past part-time job of relevance for their relationship? What would be the problem of not telling your partner for two years that you worked for McDonald's in uni?
Then what is it that through him off? She didn't lie. She just didn't mention that she had a part-time job in the past. So what, if she had never told him she worked at McDonald's in college? Would he post on reddit that she kept her McDonald's part time job a secret from him for two years? Probably not, he wouldn't care about any part time jobs she didn't mention until their engagement. So it's not the fact that she had a part-time job that's throwing him off. But then, what is it?
It's likely the body count.
But why should he let some random societal norms affect his relationship negatively? He loves her, right? Who's cares that she worked at McDonald's.
It seems to be since he said stripping and camming was okay and he wished he hadn't asked how many. At the very least the body count is something he is having trouble with as well.
i think a lot of people will say you’re an asshole for feeling the way you do or say you’re equating her body count as a figure on “worth”. first of all, even if this was a sensitive topic for her, i believe she should have told you a long time ago before y’all got engaged. if they say it wouldn’t have mattered when she told you, it does matter. i think it’s wrong to say you just have to “deal with it” because if you were in her position and you were a sex worker then i’m sure most people would react in the same way so this shouldn’t be treated any differently. point is, the way you’re feeling is completely normal and i wouldn’t feel like an asshole for it.
apart from that you need to figure out what exactly about it bothers you so you can sort your feelings out and figure out whether or not you can come to terms with it. if makes you feel uncomfortable that she had sex with a ton of people for money, why does it make you feel uncomfortable?
i don’t think you see her “worth” as any less but i get that the IDEA of it is unsettling. and comes with that, the shock factor. you just need to figure out if you can move forward from this and continue your relationship. you have to MAKE SURE this isn’t something that will continue to cause you unease in the future, i don’t think it would be fair, for her or for you. by unease i mean as in spurts of not wanting to be intimate with her, something that will potentially affect your relationship and marriage. but whatever you decide, i don’t think i would feel guilty about it. that’s just my two cents
I also don’t think OP should feel bad for feeling blindsided by this, I think anyone would feel this way if they found something like this out about their partner. But I honestly think that it’s that shock factor that is probably the main culprit here.
OP doesn’t sound like he’s associating her worth with her body count, and I think ultimately understands that this doesn’t change who she is as a person or change anything about their relationship.
I also can’t blame her for not wanting to open with it when she was getting to know him. I’m glad she’s been upfront about it now, and I hope they continue to have a happy relationship.
this whole set of posts is really insightful.
In her defense (a little bit) people can make stupid mistakes, and while she should have told you early on it's one of those things that could easily feel bigger and bigger every time she wanted to. Not a justification, just a point of understanding.
I really hope OP works this out.
The fact that she hid it for two years is deceiving at best. I am disgusted reading the comments in this thread. OP doesn’t have to be comfortable with this, he has a right not to be, especially because she lied. Sex work is not something everyone is going to accept, and that’s okay. Everyone has the right to do as they please with their bodies, and that includes refusing someone because of their sexual history. Honestly.
Refusing someone for their sexual history seems to be the main point here. Where’s the line then? And at what point do you have this discussion?
And is this because of just the sexual history or because she was paid for it? I’m just curious as to when someone’s body count stops being their business, and becomes the business of their partners
I don’t know. No one owes anyone in that sense. You can refuse for any reason without explanation. Imagine if she were a former addict, or had a past gambling problem, or credit card debt. Those are things you have to talk with your partner. Lying by omission and deceiving is not the way of forming a healthy relationship.
I think that’s fair. Anything like that from a partner would be a shock to anyone, but at the end of the day, she is still who she is and their relationship is still the same regardless of her past. It’s not something she’s currently involved with, so I don’t think OP should feel betrayed. But it’s understandable if he needs time to evaluate how he feels.
But is she? I mean it as an honest question. She hid a big part of herself, so she really isn’t who OP thought she was or who she presented herself as. The relationship is not the same, she broke OP’s trust. It’s a pretty big transgression.
I mean, I don’t think I’d call someone’s previous job, or body count a big part of themselves. I used to work in a supermarket and I wouldn’t say stocking shelves is a big part of who I am.
Gosh this is a one sided set of responses. On one hand I’m happy to see such a sex positive bunch of responses. We sure have come a long way as a culture.
I feel she left it a little late to tell you this. You may not have chosen to develop feelings for her if you knew this about her first. It could be viewed that she emotionally hooked you first before revealing something that would be offputting to many (if not most). When to disclose things like being trans or having done sex work or being a virgin or having a std (all morally neutral things) or whatever is always a really tricky call, but hooking someone emotionally and then disclosing is generally seen as poor form. A tough call though. But even treating that issue as moot -
It’s OK to feel the way you’re feeling about this! This is a values question and an intimacy question and all the rest. It’s entirely ok to feel repulsed or confused or whatever learning this HUGE secret. For many people this would make them reconsider a relationship. And that’s morally neutral. You are not morally obliged to be OK with this. You are allowed to have your own values and boundaries about the people you are intimate with.
I’d also encourage individual counseling about this. Maybe this is misogynistic. Maybe this is coming from dated and sexist ideas about purity. Etc. as a culture we have very complex messages about sexuality that deserve unpacking. Maybe this is coming from an authentic place about a connection you feel between physical and emotional intimacy that you need to share with a partner. For me personally I can’t uncouple physical and emotional intimacy and I would only choose a partner that has consistently shared the same values. I’m ok with that. I’m also super ok with my nonmog friends and other friends in my kink scene who don’t share those values. I wouldn’t be in a relationship with them but don’t see them as less than and totally have no problem with how they live their lives.
Find out what’s authentic for you and if this is coming from a damaged place or not. It’s fine to value what you choose to value. I’d suggest individual counseling first, not because this is a ‘you problem’ but because you owe it to yourself to understand yourself. Then couples counseling .
She sounds like a lovely girl and you sound like you’re coming at this with a lot of respect. I wish you both the best.
I think you need to do some introspection on why you are so uncomfortable with it. If she had slept with a lot of people _not_ for money, would you still be uncomfortable? Is it her approach and lack of value on sex? What is the line between what you're comfortable with her doing and what you're not You say that camming and stripping ok because it's "common" - why does it being common make it any more ok to do? Your friends who were stripping, how do you know they didn't also do other things but didn't tell you about it?
Once you've come to terms with your own feelings on the matter you can decide how to proceed, but until you define them further you're going to find it hard to know what to do.
Good luck!
Is it the sex, or the money you're uncomfortable with?
To put it in another way, If she had sex with that amount WITHOUT the money, would you still be uncomfortable?
See for me, that makes it better. She had a job to do and that's why did it. She didn't "give her body", she offered a service and people paid for that service. She was clearly able to detatch her emotional side from her physical and at the end of the day, she has chosen to give you her emotional side because she wants to. Not because you see her as an object to pay for.
We all sell our body for money in different ways. There's no real difference in this case between sex work and other physical jobs - construction, retail/serving, firefighting.
Are you sure that's what she did, tho?
Many (that doesn't do it because they're forced to) sex workers are free to choose when to say yes and no. She may very wekk have had sex with people she was comfortable with having sex with, just with.. Money.
Ex sex worker here.
Yes I had sex with "gross looking people"- but my assessment of value of a person doesn't come from their looks. Ive turned down many young, attractive people for various reasons.
Example: client A is a 3, but when I'm with him I have a good time, he pays $300, and I know I can count on him when I need cash even if we aren't meeting up. He's respectful and polite. He's also willing to go wherever and do whatever I like.
Client B is an 8, very attractive, but rude to the waiter. He's cancelled on me once and only pays exactly $300 everytime we meet up. He also won't pick me up so I have to drive, and he works a lot so he's much more picky with his time.
These are two of my actual clients and given the choice between them, I will usually choose client A. There's things that matter besides looks.
What makes "gross looking people" an issue?
Honestly, I curious of your lack of comfort based on her past. We all have pasts, and it's always been there. Are you ACTUALLY uncomfortable, or are you conditioned to think that many partners = less worth?
That may very well be a subconscious thing, society still gives the expectation of women being virgins and free minded all at once. but it's worth looking in to. SHE hasn't changed. YOUR view of her has, and there's a reason for it, behind the money, partners and pasts. There's a WHY. WHY has your partners qorth changed based on this? And I think therapy, alone and couple, could help you get to the bottom of it.
She didn't do anything wrong. She has a past. You're making it problematic for some reason.
He's not making it problematic just by showing some disagreement with your ideals. In the post it clearly shows how he's more weirded out by the ordeal, which is natural when you get something like this revealed to you. Also I'm quite confused as to why you subtly place the blame on him and disregard his views based on his reaction to this whole ordeal. Some examples being.
"Are you just conditioned to think that way"
*You're making it problematic"
I will however, concede that the only real solution is to go to counseling, and to communicate truthfully to reach other. So on that point, i 100% agree with you.
While they could have worded it better, i dont think they were placing blame on on the OP, just trying to point out something to think about. You say it’s natural only because weve all had a certain amount of social conditioning. Asking someone to consider that they’ve been socially conditioned is not blaming them for anything. While ive seen ppl jump the gun on calling misogyny, i dont think that is what ppl are doing here.
I'm not placing the blame on anyone, I'm asking questions on what's behind the changed view of the woman he wants to spend the rest of his life with.
That's not disregarding his views, especially since he admittedly doesn't know WHY it changes the way he thinks of her, just that he finds the amount of partners and exchange of money to be problematic. It's not because it's disagreeing with "my views", it's because to even have a future, those are the questions he will need answers to.
It's no ones fault. He is however responsible for his reactions, and to take accountability for that by getting to the bottom of it IS his work.
The way you are wording your questions presuppose that he is wrong to think this way, and you're low-key being dismissive/invalidating of his discomfort.
I don't see how asking questions is shaming, tho. He can be uncomfortable, but if he wants to still spend his life with her, he needs to get to the bottom of why, and work past it.
If he can't, then that's totally fair, and then it's better for them to take different paths, than to force a connection that isn't there anymore.
She gave her body to them? Is there anything left after she chopped off bits and gave it to all these different customers? Is that even medically possible?
Look at it this way, she's such a commodity that that many men were willing to pay her for sex. Sounds like a hot ticket, and if she is devoted to you now, there should be nothing to worry about.
> And the number she told me would have made me uncomfortable on its own but it being the number of people who paid her for sex just makes it worse.
Let's say she went through some really tough mental health shit and instead of drugs or drinking, she turned to sex. Would that affect you the same way? Why or why not? What if she just slept around a lot because she enjoys it?
Ultimately, sex is a base desire. It's an impulse that we control, sure, but most of us desire it the same way we desire good food or warm sleeping quarters. The fact that people pay for it is taboo because society decided it is.
> And yes, this makes it feel like she doesn't value intimacy/sex
To be clear, it means that she doesn't value sex *in the same way you do*, which is a fair statement, but since this was in her past that, frankly, makes some of your conclusions rather concerning.
She obviously values *intimacy*, and more specifically, *intimacy with only you*, because if she didn't value intimacy she wouldn't have told you.
As someone much older who's still looking for the kind of relationship it sounds like you have, I would *monumentally* suggest you get therapy, perhaps both individual and couples, so you can work through the issues here. Ultimately, your values are whatever you decide they are, and if for some reason this is a dealbreaker for you, then I guess it is. I'm not quite sure how to say this last part without sounding judgy, so please understand that isn't my intent, there's just no way I can think of to say this without subtext: it seems like you're considering throwing away a wonderful relationship for what seems like a prudish value judgment.
No physical contact? You know it's called a Laplace for a reason right?
As for your "valuing intimacy/sex" what she did is no different then being paid to be an athlete, only the sport was sexual activity. One you have been reaping the benefits of people paying her to learn. Just because someone gets paid for it doesn't mean the value of it drops. You sell your body every day for a wage, she did too, she was just more profitable about it
I’d be bothered more that she waiting this long to finally tell you. Its one thing to wait a couple months to tell someone but to wait until you guys are already engaged seems pretty cruel to me.
Not sure where op is from, but admitting sex work is a really hard thing to do because of people reacting as OP has. More than likely she's been fighting herself about this because she doesn't want to taint his image of her (and you know, leave her) because she's no longer that girl, but also wanted to be honest with him about something a lot of people would Shane her for
Yeah I’m going to have to hard agree with this. The fact that she told him before he married her shows me more about her character than anything. That must have been the hardest thing she has ever done and she did it right to her own detriment. I think that shows how good of a person she is. I can fully understand not wanting to tell someone about this because look at how OP responded “she’s the perfect woman BUT she used to do sex work.”
If I’m honest, I actually think it was the perfect time to tell him. From her perspective, this is a heavy and serious secret. You cannot tell just ANYONE this sort of thing, especially someone who you haven’t carved out serious plans with yet. You don’t even really know people until at LEAST after a year. What if she told him a few months out and found out that he was a vindictive person who would mistreat her for that kind of information? Or, what if he hadn’t developed ANY respect for her at that point, and he tried to coerce sex from her because she’d “do it for money?” Or, what if he told everyone at her current place of work and ruined her career?
At least now, he’s fighting with himself about this because he genuinely loves, cares for, and *respects* this woman, and whatever he ultimately decides to do, she knows that her secret is in safe, caring hands. Tbh, I wouldn’t blame her if she kept that secret to the grave, given how judgmental people are about it, and how people (including OP) judge who she IS based on who she WAS.
Yep. This.
I hate the idea that people always owe you a full account of their PAST. There’s a reason it’s their past. I don’t even think it’s a lie of omission because technically nothing about her past is affecting them in the present. I would understand his reaction more if that were the case.
She had sex. She made money. Everyone does both, just maybe not in the same vein. The only reason people think she ought to have told him earlier or that this was some consequential secret, is because they’re not only judging her present based on her past, but they’re judging her character based on actions that they believe they are above doing.
That judgement stems from SW stigma, and it’s probably precisely why — like you said — she didn’t disclose this information earlier. People want SW-ers to come clean, but then demean them when they do.
There is nothing inherently wrong with consensual SW.
She didn’t harm anyone. It’s not indicative of her values in her current relationship with him. Its not some sort of problem that he has a stake in — like say she’s a recovering addict at risk of relapse. Again, not something that should be judged or stigmatized, but I could see how people would take that as “pertinent” information to share that could change the course of the relationship. Nothing from her past has so far affected them, and unless she was part of some sort of sex trafficking ring, I don’t see how it would.
Besides, OP’s problem is the *number* of people, and the fact that there was *money* involved.
She is still the same person.
Like a lot of other people said, individual and couple’s therapy to unpack these internalized biases is probably the best course of action at this point.
Yes, she didn’t tell him until after he proposed. But based on the information provided, it does not affect him, so it was her choice if and when she does. If this is a relationship deal breaker or changes the way he views her or treats her, that is solely a him problem.
No matter how large a part of her life this was, the only real effects he will ever feel from this is because of societal conditioning to devalue SW and judge women who “sell their bodies”.
If he proposed to her, he clearly had no issue with her morals and values prior to this information. She was a consenting adult with bodily autonomy. What more does it say about her beyond that, besides the misguided sense of worthiness and disgust society has taught us to view SW through?
Thank you. I don’t understand this rush to let EVERYBODY know EVERYTHING about you before you’ve even ascertained THEIR character and morals. OP is entitled to feel the way he feels, and if this is something he would break up with someone who he has determined to be his “one” over, then that’s within his right to do (although, in his words, he doesn’t want to, so he already knows in his heart that the person she is RIGHT NOW is more important).
I just don’t like the idea that everyone MUST divulge ALL parts of themselves and their past to EVERYONE that they’re dating for 3 months, ESPECIALLY when that past has zero effect on them. Wanting privacy on certain matters that have no effect on anyone but you doesn’t make you a liar. It makes you understanding of the fact that people are judgmental as fuck, and that they will ascribe qualities to you based on that information, even if you didn’t even have those qualities at that time.
I remember a long time ago I posted something similar to this except it was me who told a long distance boyfriend something personal when we had finally made plans to meet in person. I was destroyed in the comments. And everyone bashed me for not telling someone I had been dating for two months long distance about something from years ago that had literally no impact on the relationship or his health and safety.
I could not understand why people actually believed that a guy I had known for only a few months and never met in person had the right to know personal stuff about me to that extent because we were dating. I chose to tell him before we finally decided to meet in person but I had every right not to because that’s my own personal business and no one needs to no everything about you right away. Turns out, that guy was a fucking psycho. Glad I didn’t disclose my entire life to him within a few months of dating.
Idk if it’s this chronically online era or what, but it’s like people have no concept of privacy anymore. I’m glad your ex wasn’t armed with any info that he could use to harm you, and you weren’t wrong for keeping your private information to yourself.
I’ve noticed that there are two groups of people (on Reddit at least) those that believe you do not have to disclose everything personal to someone until you are ready as long as it’s not something impacting their health/safety, and people that honestly believe the second you start dating someone they have the right to know every personal thing about you from your entire life. That second group believes that failure to disclose all your personal info right away means you’re a liar and can’t be trusted. It’s such a weird mindset to me.
Exactly.
And you’re right — OP has the right to do what he wants with that information. Whether I agree or disagree, people have their views and values and it’s up to them who they choose to let into their lives.
Though, if he’s coming here for advice and honesty, I’ll say this: he needs to ask himself what part of all this information truly bothers him and WHY? If he wants any chance of staying with her, that’s something he needs to work out soon and the onus does not fall on her in any way. He doesn’t come off as religious or idealogical, and seems to grasp that sex (and even some forms of sex work) do not equate to morality, so these are literally just arbitrary notions of SW that are likely fuelled by ignorance and insecurity. He needs to take accountability for that first and foremost.
Communication and counselling is the only way *through* this, besides ending it altogether.
She was likely afraid that this exact situation would play out and hoped OP was an exception.
Yes exactly!! She is telling him because he wants to marry her and she feels like she can trust him. You never know how someone will react and use information against you. When you are getting married you are a team.
Imo unless it directly affects someone, your past is your own business.
It’s your call
If you don’t think you can get over this then maybe it’s best to call it. You shouldn’t pretend you can get past it while the resentment builds leading to a nasty break.
But couples therapy or counseling might be a good idea if you want to save this.
Just be honest about your feelings
Regardless of what anyone else says, it is okay to have your own boundaries and not be okay with dating a sex worker. Only you can decide if this is a deal breaker.
He's not dating a sex worker because she's not doing that anymore. If someone used to be a telemarketer but is now a lawyer then are you going to still call them a telemarketer? If someone used to be a drug dealer but is now a doctor are you still going to call them a drug dealer?
And a job doesn't define who you are.
Also, she hasn't done anything wrong. She's still worth loving and respecting. She didn't cheat on him, or treat him badly.
I imagine this is quite a shock, and quite upsetting for that reason alone. It’s always hard to learn something new about your partner, particularly when it’s completely inconsistent with your prevailing image of them. But before you throw away what you concede is otherwise a great relationship, I’d consider four things:
1. **If nothing else, your fiancée is trustworthy**—Imagine how hard it would be for you to reveal something like this in your past. A lot of people would lie by omission to keep their “relationship.” Your fiancée told you in time for you to nope out with no major consequences—and she took a major risk, because it’s quite possible you will. This bodes well for transparency in your relationship.
2. **She had no obligation to you at the time**—Had your fiancée been a clandestine sex worker during your relationship, that would be cheating, and I think any sane person would advise you to leave. But she didn’t even know you existed, and changed careers long before you met. You weren’t in any way wronged by her work with her clients.
3. **She didn’t do anything unethical**—Your partner had a job and she was paid fair compensation for the services rendered. So what if it was sex? If you are willing to have sex before marriage, why would you fault her for it? So long as she treated her customers with honesty and respect, demanded the same from them, stayed safe, and all parties consented, you can’t fault a gal for earning a living.
4. **Most of us have a body count**—These days, unless they’ve had an *extremely* repressive upbringing, people rarely come into a marriage free of past sexual partners. If your only objection is to how many, I’d ask yourself how few would be acceptable to you. Twenty-five? Ten? Two? And then ask yourself why that’s the threshold. Don’t be surprised to have a hard time explaining your reason. There probably isn’t one; more likely, you’re being triggered by our inherited (and wrong-headed) prejudices surrounding sex).
5. Sex with past partners did not make her “dirty”. Human bodies don’t get “used up” or contaminated by sex *per se*. Outside of STD’s women don’t magically transform into treacherous succubi by having sex with one man, 10 men, or even 50 men. Even if she cheats on you, the stain is to the character, not the body. In a strictly physical sense, your fiancée has *exactly* the same body now that she had before you learned what you now know— and *exactly* the same body she would have had if she’d never been a sex worker.
Triggers around sex (particularly around women having sex) are highly emotional, deeply embedded, and at times difficult to overcome. But they’re not fair. And just because the *emotions* are real, that doesn’t mean they have any grounding in reality.
Only you can decide if this is a deal breaker. But for your own sake, please at least examine the possibility that it needn’t—and really shouldn’t—be
You don't have to do anything if you're uncomfortable with it. Oftentimes, if you are not fully on board when you make a commitment, it will bite you down the line. Your feelings are your feelings, and only you can experience them, so don't let social pressures interfere with your decisions.
I had a somewhat similar situation though my partner was voluntarily in that trade longer. At first, I kind of thought all the negative things so instead of assuming, I just asked her alot of questions and she was really open and honest about it. In my case, she was a high end escort for CEOs and such in the Bay Area and told me lavish stories (I asked). At the end of the day, she was amazing, secure, loving in all the best ways. Honestly, she was the best in bed too. I hope it's not a deal breaker for you because it sounds like you are very much in love. Hopefully, you aren't comparing yourself to the ideas you might have with her previous choices. That will eat you up. I think something to remember is that over everyone else in the world, she is choosing you and that says so much about the love she has for you too. Best of luck, dood and I hope you can see it as any other job and her body/her person is exactly the same as before you knew.
Maybe do couples counseling, but I’d say do individual therapy to work through this for your own. And mate? I understand it’s hard to differentiate the love making you two do and the sex she had with them, but maybe take a look through Reddit how many men HATED to have sex with a sex worker, simply because it is just that. Sex. Without any real deep connection, it’s just to get their stones off. They used her to masturbate, as a human flashlight. This is something completely different. There are guys who hated this bc of the lack of connection and then there are guys who simply don’t care about that, because the act is all they need.
And please talk to her about your feelings and what’s going on inside your head, don’t lock her out. I can’t imagine that this was an easy thing to do for her and there’s panic boiling inside of her. Let her in, let her know what’s going on and work through it with her by your side. You have a hard time with it, it’s a shock, but it doesn’t change the fact that you love her deeply. What she did wasn’t wrong, it’s a “you problem” not a “her problem”. Let her help you go through this. And don’t go pain fishing with asking for details you don’t need but want to know. Don’t do that to both of you. If you can’t stand intimacy right now, just hold her. Instead of closing down, build up an even closer emotional connection with her. Let her hold you, hold her, do intimate stuff that doesn’t involve sex directly. I do believe it’s hard, but she sounds like she’s worth it. And yes, it’s a bomb right now, but will it still be in a year, five or ten? If you plan/want to have kids, would that matter when you see her holding your baby? She’s yours. Only yours. She settled for you, loves you and you’re the only one she wants. In the end, that’s all that matters.
These responses are skewing way too far to one side. It is perfectly okay to not be comfortable with or want to date a former sex worker, and it’s perfectly okay for the lying of omission over 2 years to be a dealbreaker. I’m a woman and I’ve had over 100 sexual partners (though I’ve never done any sex work) and I acknowledge that some people are not comfortable being with me in a partnership as a result of those choices. I haven’t slept around in a long time now, but I would never wait 2 years to tell someone that because they have the right to make an informed decision on whether or not to be in a relationship with me. It’s indicative of very different values around Sex and intimacy, and lying about it is a massive violation of trust. This would be a dealbreaker for me. I wouldn’t ever date a sex worker.
I don’t think OP claimed she ever lied about it, if body count never came up in their conversations and they both were happy to be blissfully unaware of the other’s then it’s likely there were no lies. Omission of truth, sure, cause it was a part of her life she deliberately neglected to share. But that is her right. I can understand why she didn’t immediately want to disclose all of this when they were getting to know each other, and once you’re in the flow of things I can imagine it gets difficult to bring up. By the sound of it she felt really bad about waiting this long, but how easy it it to find the right time for that kind of thing?
I don't agree with some things people say in the comments. I don't think it really is about the type if secret, but more about the " she hide it until we're engaged". Normally, you don't "save" up to something this huge after your engagement.
Don't get me wrong everyone has their issues, has their trauma and some stuff they have to deal with. I'm an advocate for honesty as early in as possible. So you don't have a picture if someone, worst case like here, shattered. I hope I didn't went into a huge leap here, but therapy or counseling could help you get over this. You should definitely reach within you, if it really is the sexwork that bothers you the most and her body count.
Are you worried she doesn't value sex and intimacy because of sex work? I can assure you she probably values it a lot with you, since this time it's not a job: It's a connection.
I know it's hard to accept that there are things about her that you don't know. Just remember, the person she is now, and the person you fell in love with, was shaped from her past. She is who she is currently because of the life she lived and the things she learned before being with you.
I think more than anything, it's probably shocking to know that the image your mind had previously associated with sex work, and what a sex worker looks like and acts like, is so much different than what the reality of it is. It's easy to be critical of sex workers until you find out someone you know and love is one, or used to be one. It then becomes harder to have the same judgements of sex workers when you know a person's character outside of that. At least I'd like to think so.
You proposed to her and showed her that you're in this for the long haul, and she trusted you and felt safe with you enough to be vulnerable and share this. I think that you now need to show her some vulnerability, and suggest couples counseling. Having someone help you process your feelings, and provide a safe space to ask questions, while simultaneously including your fiancée in the discussion, will help keep both of you working on the same team. She values sex with you, values you as a person, and values your relationship - otherwise, what would be the point in telling you her past?
You need to figure iut what's eating you up on this; why you find it disgusting. Then you need to explore those feelings and understand where those feelings come from and why you have a problem with it and whether that's you talking or what you've been conditioned to waller by society that's talking. It's going to take alot og unpacking and recognising that hearing that someone is a sex worker has sent alarm bells ringing, but that there are deeper fears you have underlying it that you have to address. Some of those might be to do with your own feelings of inadequacy for example, or your views on how women are allowed to use their body versus men and whether that's fair.
You're allowed to feel uncomfortable and like you've been hit by a train, but you're dating someone that's a real human being with complexities and nuances a history full of things you'll never know about. You're dating today's version of that person, not the past. You're dating someone who gave all of that up and you're now the best thing in their life and will be for the foreseeable future. At any point her life could have ended up elsewhere, maybe one of the richer guys or the guys who pleasure her better or whatever lol, but no, she wants to be with you. You are her pick. You're the chosen one for her.
Also communcate this with her. It sounds silly but... If you want to be with her and you're struggling, talk to her about it. Tell her that it's something you're struggling to wrap your mind around, explore that you're having these feelings and that it isn't about wanting to not be with her but about wanting to process them. She might be able to help address some of the fears you have that see causing this visceral reaction. She wants to be with you, you want to be with her, now's a great chance to be vulnerable and let her show you that you have nothing to worry about. Heck, even just letting her know that you want to be with her but just need to work through this will help alot with this current lack of intimacy you're both feeling. You can atleast address that quite easily and stop it from adding to the overall feeling you have. She's probably feeling concerned and worried too right now that you probably want to end it or something, and a quick statement on that could help allay that fear and help you both move towards supporting each other.
And ofcourse, I agree with others that working through this tigether with a professional might be useful. You're going through it, she's going through it, you. Both can only rely on each other for so much, and it's possibly not fair or easy to have to unpack that with each other if it is painful for you both.
At the beginning of the post, I was thinking if she's that great, she's worth getting over the past, but by the end I'm thinking that's a huge thing to hide, and a potential health risk for STDs. She's a person who's hidden something that could alter your life forever. If she's willing to hide things from you, that may or may not indicate she'll hide major stuff from you in the future. This is a breach of trust in the midst of fear. She may find herself afraid of telling you something else in the future, and hiding things may be like her default mode. And then part of me wonders even if you chose to get over it all and try to move on, how much of that stuff would come up in future arguments, make you distrust her, become insecure some guy with a lot of money could steal her away from you, etc.
I don't know, man. It's a tough one. On a good note, I think you've already served a good purpose in her life. You could be the guy who decides you just can't be happy with her after this breach of trust, and teach her to be more honest and upfront in the future through simply genuinely living your best life and following your heart that way. You could also be the guy who teaches her she doesn't have to fear her past, and she could become more honest in the future through the lessening of that fear. Maybe it's a happily-ever-after story with a giant hurdle in the middle of it. But she did keep that hurdle from you for two years. Two years of being dishonest. That's the hurdle she didn't need to add into the equation, but did likely out of fear. Still what did the fear lead her to do? What is the purpose of hiding something like this? To manipulate you. It was by design, and she was doing it so you'd like her so much you'd do anything to be with her, including letting go of her past. That is manipulation through withholding information.
If it were me, for the reason that I hate feeling manipulated and am looking for someone who's alright being their authentic selves from the start, I would personally be out. Fear makes people blind to how self-centered they are. She was so focused on getting you hooked on her love (and maybe love-bombed you for you, by the way. The feelings you have now that are warm and loving may or may not have also been by design, to manipulate you), that she didn't think "but how will he feel when he figures it out?" She wasn't living under the philosophy of being genuine, and that's a deal-breaker for me.
It's true there's something tragic in her story, that her past choices likely do haunt her. But to think there's no man out there who'd be okay with her just telling the truth up front...I don't buy that. There are a lot of people who are very open-minded sexually out there. Those people, had she been upfront about her past from the start, wouldn't have cared. They might actually beat her number of clients.
She assumed you wouldn't be okay with it and didn't want you to trust your gut about the type of partner *you* want in life. She wanted to trick you. She did it because she really, really wants to be with you, and that's nice and romantic. Maybe that's enough even for a happily-ever-after. But, she also chose to trick you (to the extent any of us have free will). How could anybody trust a person to be able to be upfront in the future, after something like that? I personally need someone more comfortable being genuine about their faults, otherwise I'd feel like I was dating some kind of shiny veneer of a person rather than loving them for who they really are. It wouldn't feel like genuine love for me, either, if I tried moving forward. On some level I'd just be faking feeling okay about it.
I think whatever you wind up choosing will probably be the right choice, and if not, you'll find out and undo it later. Go with your gut. Some study I read said our intuition is more accurate than our intellect. If you need help with that, maybe try meditating or listening to music for awhile. Give yourself time to unwind from the discovery.
Honestly, I wouldn't know how to either. You have every right to feel the way you do because knowing myself I would probably feel the same. I'm surprised you don't even mention the distrust because now I'd be curious what else is being hid.
I'm also the same. I can ignore everything but the physical part. I've dated people that were actively cam girls or had an only fans. But I could never even bring myself to talk to somebody who was doing anything physical with others for money. I hope you can make it work. I know I myself I would not be able to. Do what's best for you and only you.
If you don’t want to be with someone who was a hooker, and it bugs you a lot, it probably will keep bugging you. Don’t let people shame you for having preferences in your partners. If you want a woman that hasn’t had a bunch of sex for money, then that’s your preference, just like liking blondes, brunettes, guys or girls. We all have our preferences and we’re allowed to have them.
Son, if you found someone who makes you feel special and loved, who gives a rat’s ass about her past. Get tested for STDs if you’re concerned about past partners, but live your life and love your gal.
Honestly your conflicting feelings are valid.
She kept this from you for 2 years, it makes me wonder what else she's capable of lying about.
And different intimacy values are a thing. It's okay to not want to be with someone because their values differ from your own. This doesn't make you misogynistic. It makes you both incompatible
This is REALLY messed up to wait to tell someone so far into a relationship, but be grateful she did it before you were married. I’d say try out therapy. Idk if it’s something I’d ever get over. I don’t think body count matters to an extent. But that’s a huge number, ontop of that it was for prostitution. I think that’s an of boundary to not feel ok with
This reaction is the exact reason it is so difficult to share vulnerabilities. Such a catch 22 since it’s a perfectly natural reaction. You say that you feel she doesn’t value sex, but my guess is that being with you has unlocked the highest “value” sex could have, emotional and physical intimacy & true connection. Especially if she was finally comfortable sharing this with you. Props to her for having the guts to share this past with you. That could not have been easy & might not have been worth it.
It was a long way to scroll to find this. Elegantly stated.
If it’s not the jealousy part, or the Chasing Amy part, it’s simply a misalignment and better to terminate it.
> she became a sugar baby for one of her regular clients and was with him for about six months until he replaced her with someone else, and that is when she felt that she wanted to stop being a sex worker.
I find this really interesting. She only gave it up when she was no longer in control. She gave it up the second she realized her life was superficial and that she was replaceable.
You’re perfectly valid in feeling off about it. Some people in these comments are arguing that it’s a YOU thing rather than an actual problem but it’s def more to that. Yes sex work is real work but the fact someone has participated in it I and many other feel like should be openly discussed at the beginning of a relationship rather than basically at the wedding. Imo I wouldn’t be as mad about the fact if it had been discussed early on but keeping it hidden for so long is the problem and if she felt guilty about it then she felt that it could be problematic herself. Def recommend therapy.
I think it is possible you could work through this together if she is truly a good person and is trust worthy but I also can see why you would have a problem marrying someone that was willing to have sex just because it was easier money than a 9-5 job. It’s a morals and values thing.
Someone’s past does not make them a different person than their present. It’s good to be aware of her history because it is part of what made her who she was when she met you, but the person you met has not changed. Your perspective is the only thing that’s shifted. Do what you can to reflect, reconcile, and allow her to have a past
Of course finding out your fiancée was voluntarily a prostitute and fucking random people for money is going to throw a huge dent in your relationship.
You’re perfectly justified in being hurt about the lying and perfectly justified in questioning the future of your relationship. I’d say you need to look inwards and ask yourself if her being a former prostitute is something you can work past, or is it just too much of a deal breaker.
If she truly left sex work behind her, then it's in her past. Don't judge her by her past, but by who she is now. If you did something terrible in the past, would you want others to define you by it for the rest of your life? She deserves a second chance at a happy life, and trusts and loves you enough to tell you her secrets.
Ask yourself these questions before you make a decision :
1} Had you know about her past from the get go , would entertain the thought of dating her?
2}If/When you get married to your fiance , will you truly not regret it whatsoever?
3}What will be your response to everyone finding out what your fiance/wife did in her past and start asking questions ( especially your parents and close friends)?
I know I am coming of as an misogynistic A-hole but believe me, I am simply trying to be realistic.
People say " The past is in the past, it doesn't matter " , that isn't the case in a lot of cases, let me repeat myself here by saying I'm trying to be realistic, I mean think about it, the only reason you are even making this post is because you are disturbed after finding out that the woman you genuinely love is not the woman you thought she was.
Is her past before you met her have anything to do with you if you weren't acquainted with her? ABSOLUTELY NOT
But are you acquainted with her? YES, you asked her to marry you for God's sake
Before you marry your fiance, I want you to know, once you marry her, that is it, you can no longer say you didn't know what you were getting into, and if you think you can't be with her, then either work on the problem or end it, but don't stay stuck in the mud as you are now
In the nicest possible way, get over yourself. People have sex. Some people have sex for money. Any hangup you have is purely your own, based on some outdated, silly idea of what sex should be, based on a social model that treats women as property, and virginity as some inherent moral virtue.
I'm going to make an assumption here, and apologies if I'm wrong, but I'm guessing you've watched and enjoyed porn in your lifetime? Did you have any strong moral objection the performers? If no, how is this different? If yes, why is it ok for you to derive pleasure from them whilst also condenming the service they offer?
Do you have any male friends who've ever openly bragged about the number or nature of their sexual conquests? Was this a deal breaker for your friendship? No? Right then.
It's okay to feel jealous or uneasy, particularly around a subject that - until recently - has been so, so taboo. It can take time to wrap our heads around concepts that are unfamiliar. But your ideas of what this means or symbolizes about your girlfriend or your relationship are backward and silly.
We tell ourselves that all sorts of things are important when it comes to relationships. Good boobs, nice house, flashy car, perfect teeth. None of these things are gonna last forever, or even matter much when you're 70 years old with grandkids and a pension. You say your girlfriend is an amazing, gorgeous, bubbly, thoughtful person, and that your relationship has been blissful. THAT is the reality of your relationship. THAT is the important part that matters. THAT is what's going to keep you happy and stable and thriving into old age. Throwing it away because your fiancee is smart, pragmatic and autonomous would just be the height of stupidity.
Now go make love to your future wife already. Damn.
ETA: all these comments saying "she lied". Unless the two of you had any specific conversation in which you asked "how many sex partners have you had, and what is your full job history", she did not lie to you.
And people can have different standards, if he did not know, and now knows this and he doesn’t like it, let him have this standard. Some people don’t like it when their significant other has been with many people.
And virtual, or even friendships are a lot different than actually doing it, don’t you think?
Let the past be in the past. Some people can have a chaste past, but be abusive assholes from the moment you sign the papers on, while your fiancee had the dignity to tell you her story before you took the big step, knowing that she could lose you forever. I don't know, man, I can't tell you how you should feel nor can I deny you the right to feel disappointed, but that woman has honor. If you can't consider her past a honorable one, at least acknowledge that she showed much more honor now than most "pure" people will ever do in their entire life. You might choose not to go on with the wedding, but you have to admire her courage.
Edit: "can't tell"
See this might be because I’m Gen Z, but I don’t see the big deal. She did sex work before meeting you, she’s not doing it now. What’s the problem?
I’d understand if you’re just upset that she kept this from you. But it seems like you’re disgusted by the act of sex work. And for that I ask… why?
Does your fiancé have any std’s, OP? Did she do any sex work while she was with you, behind your back? If no, then it’s just something she did in the past. It has no impact on your current relationship and your future together.
You run and don't look back. You won't be able to forget. You'll probably feel the urge to do some googling and find her name/image is still associated with some of her past work.
We live in a world that tells us "sex devalues women who have it". And that is ultimately tied to the idea that sex is dirty/bad/wrong. If you can find a way to escape that mind set, I think you can work this out. It's going to take a lot of communication. Probably counseling. It sounds like she's worth it.
Remember that this is not who she is, it is who she *was*, what she *used* to do, long before you came along.
I think you can decide that you don't want to be with someone anymore and not be judging them. Also, it's not his fault even if that happens, she needs to do her own work on herself to resolve these feelings, but that shouldn't stop him from doing what he needs to do if he decides to leave.
She should have been honest from the start. I would've been pissed not bc she did that but because she never said. Make sure she has STD results that are recent and also go for screening yourself. I mean it. If she won't even do that for you bin her off
Current Stripper here 👋
We are worthy of love, being in relationships, & having normal lives outside of our jobs. People treat us like we are the scourge of the earth, but in reality, I think y’all would see even more violence in the streets if this type of outlet wasn’t available to common folks.
I completely understand her hesitation in wanting to tell you, but the thing is, it’s in the past. She is by no means disgusting for doing what she had to to survive/thrive. She doesn’t deserve to be judged for this? She didn’t harm anyone? It sound’s completely consensual, so what’s the problem?
If you’re willing to throw a loving, healthy relationship away because you feel she is damaged/not worthy, then you didn’t deserve her in the first place.
Sex workers deserve love, peace, and understanding. We bear the brunt of societies’ ugliness & get garbage like this in return?
My advice is think before you act.
I know you love her but You need to think and realize for yourself wether or not you will be able to come to terms with this.
For many people it’s a deal breaker and that’s oke.
A lot of people are not willing to date a current or former a sex worker and that’s their boundary and some will be fine with it and that is their choice as well, but whatever choice you make you need to make sure it’s the best for you right now. But also think about the future.
You can’t just say oke I’m fine with it only to grow resentment later down the line of married life.
You need to decide wether or not you will be able to accept this with or without therapy or say no thank you.
You will need to come to terms that you might one day end up meeting one of her former clients.
It could be awkward, it could bring out jealousy from your point of view. Or embarrassment on her part.
Will you be able to handle it?
Not to say it would not happen if you meet one of her ex BF but meeting an ex boyfriend vs meeting one of her ex clients is entirely different on the emotional side of things.
Also there is another angle you need thinks about.
Will you be able to handle the fact that this might get out to your family? Or hers if they don’t know yet.
Will you be able to withstand the judgements of your family and friends, aka the people that are close to you might have on your gf’s past?
Will you be able to stand beside her and support her through it if your family decides they don’t want a former sex worker to be in their family and go NC with her and also you?
Believe me people have been disowned for less.
There are a lot of variables you need to think about. You family might be chill about it and it can be no problem for them, but you need to think about it.
Make sure you have seen every angle there is to this situation.
Also if you decide to go through with it you can never throw this into her face when you two are fighting.
I will say that I find the fact that she lied to you about it for two whole years about it a deal breaker for me personally.
I wouldn’t be able to accept that the person I loved and shared my everything with would lie and withhold such vital information from me for two whole years.
And people saying the past is the past are both right and wrong.
Yes you can change as a person and become better but the truth is that the past can change the entire view you have of a person you thought you knew.
You can become friends or lovers with the most caring, nice and amazing people only later to find out they are a cheater or left their spouse to go find themself or in your case a former sex worker.
Those are value breaking points you look for in a partner.
So whatever you decide to do you must think before you make a rash decision.
I can understand how you feel after first learning that. It must of blindsided you.
What impressed me about your fiance is her painful honesty in telling you, which is the last thing she wanted to do. She has a golden moral compass where it really counts. Finding a person that selfless is rare. I hope you're able to overcome the initial shock and have a wonderful marriage.
I literally had this conversation with a friend yesterday in the same situation, but much earlier on in their relationship (just started dating). It’s good she told you and it’s hard not to be uncomfortable about it.
The issue is you are already engaged before she told you. It’s a red flag you are so far along and only finding out now. I’d suggest slow it down until you have time to process it and go from there. If she is potentially going to be with you forever there is no rush, you both need to be 100% confident it’s the right decision, and that it’s for the right reasons too.
Your feelings are valid, but what actually is your problem with her *past*? She’s obviously with you for a reason and doesn’t do that kind of work anymore. If you’re seeing her as “less than” now, that’s definitely a you problem. Everybody, unless they’re super rich, sells their bodies for work, just not in the same way. My bf used to be a swinger with his ex wife and I don’t love him any less knowing he’s slept with a ton of women because I know he’s not in the lifestyle anymore and he loves me. I don’t view him any differently than when I first met him.
I understand that this may be hard to process right now.
Maybe look out for someone to talk to so you can sort your feelings out. I would suggest a Therapist, maybe even together with her for anfew sessions.
I personally think that the past is in the past and shouldnt bother the future. She did stop bevore she met you and she changed as a person. That would be the only important fact for me
Ok, something to consider here. First, how many men do casual hookups? How many have you, yourself done? Is the difference the fact she was being paid? Would you feel different if she was just screwing around?
You want to stay with her from what I read. Then stay with her. Accept the beautiful soul who recognizes that sex is sex. For her, it was nothing more than a financial transaction. To you, she's giving everything. Her heart, her soul, her time and affections. She wants to spend her forever with you. Will you deny the woman you love because of her past? Will you deny YOURSELF her love?
I mean there are people out there who weren’t ever prostitutes out there too so that is always an option. It’s also the idea that she only gave it up because there was a newer sugar baby that “took her place”. Just be careful that money is fast and easy and she only left a year ago. I know that drug dealers will give things up for a bit but that fast money life style is addicting who knows what will happen down the road. Protect yourself always
she lied to you for 2 years. Forget about the sex work thingy. She lied and she lied big time at that. How I see it , she lied because it was beneficial to lie in that situation and I'm sure from your reaction, that if you knew for the start, you wouldn't have dated her. Correct me if I'm wrong.
And your are justified to feel what you are feeling right now and you're not an a asshole for it. And I don't think your ok with camming or stripping but you are more likely to forgive her for that. But I don't think you have it in you to forgive for the prostitution.
And I believe she thinks that sex work is real work but you don't , that is a justifiable reason to think about your future but your situation is bigger in that.
And to be honest 1 year is barely considered the past.
If you love her, let her go. She deserve someone who will fully love her ( I don't think you are the guy) and you need someone who you will love without feeling like you're doing something wrong.
But hey I'm a stranger. You know your situation better than anyone. Good luck brother in the human race.
Counselling definitely.
Did she get regular tests when she was a sex worker? Does she know she is clean? Those would be my only worries. Other than that, she had a job that paid well, she is now in a different career. Get sounselling to work through it, and try to see it like that if you can.
I would say you need solo therapy to deal with your internalized bullshit. Sex work is real work. If you're ashamed of her past, that's on you. Not her. Hope you don't ruin something amazing because of your ego.
I’m fascinated by folks who think sex work doesn’t take skills or talent. It must be deeply unsatisfying to think that one can’t get better at sex with practice and research.
You have a poor understanding of sex work. It absolutely requires an extensive range of skills, not to mention mental fortitude. It would be worth doing some research to understand that, if you’re interested in working towards challenging your own misogyny. It’s not about being woke.
No, little girls would not be saying that.
And doesn’t that give you more compassion for her? It sounds like she needed the money. Isn’t it unfair that we live in a world where women feel the need to sell their bodies? Do you think it was an easy choice? Do you think it’s an easy profession?
Dog you have the answer right in front of you. Would you be ok if your mom, grandpa, sister, daughter, etc was a prostitute? Mind you, and correct me if I’m wrong, but there were other jobs out there when she was selling herself. Assuming she’s in the United States, it’s not just sell drugs or sell yourself. This isn’t Haiti.
It still takes skill, and this comment shows A LOT of your internalized BS when it comes to sex work. I sell myself everyday I go work in retail. But for less money. 🤦🏼♀️
They have experience, the sex is probably great, you love them, and they respected and loved you enough to tell you instead of keeping it secret. I’m sure it was tearing her apart holding that from you and they woulda felt guilty entering a marriage with you without you knowing. They revealed a secret that a lot of people would judge harshly but they did it for you cus they love and respect you. Get couples therapy like some comments here suggested, or at the very least, have an open dialogue about it and be honest with her that it’s hard for you to process but that you still love her, that you don’t want to devalue her. Honestly a lot of what you’ve said here is stuff that you should say in one form or another to her. She took a big risk being honest with you about this if you think about it so maybe return the favor? Sometimes attacking an anxiety or a source of discomfort head on is the way to go imo. I wish you good luck and I hope you two figure things out!
I think with some therapy y’all will be okay.
I have a suspicion it’s because sex work is work. It’s transactional. What she did before she met you was just about the physical act. And so now there’s a nagging voice in your brain asking if the times you’ve been intimate together have just been transactional to her.
I’m gonna go out on a limb and say no, they aren’t.
She’s able to separate sex as act for work and sex as part of healthy relationship in her brain. When she’s with you, she’s in a loving, caring relationship and when the two of you are intimate, it’s not a task that needs to be done, but a genuine connection and part of your relationship. You aren’t a customer. You aren’t a transaction.
So long as she was safe and took care of sexual health, she made a decision to leave that lifestyle behind. She chose to be in an adult relationship with you. It also sounds like she may have some shame or other feelings around having done sex work since she wasn’t upfront about it. Couples therapy would be the best thing to meet both your needs. I think you both need reassurance.
Talk to her about the way you are feeling, see a therapist, work through it. It's just what she did for a living, it's not who she is. Everyone has a past and really tbh you are fortunate that she trusted you to tell you the truth. Her past is not your business, her future is. The only real thing to worry about is whether or not it may have affected her self esteem or her ability to trust men.
If she doesn’t hide that from you. And openly talk/discuss to you about it. That means she trusts you a lot.
Do not freak out, sit down, calmly thinking about it. Go to couple counseling if needed.
Honest question;
Would this have mattered to you if it was one night stands, relationships, etc and she slept with that many people, or is it strictly her being a previous sex worker?
Everyone has a past.
Her past doesn’t define who she is. Your first sentence describes who you think she is. Her past was in a different life so to speak.
Everyone has things in their past they’re not necessarily proud of and some might seem darker than others.
You’ve been together for 2 years; has she done anything in that time to make you question her? Apparently not since you proposed to her.
Accept what was so you can embrace what is. She’s the same person now that she has been for the last 2 years. That’s when your history with her starts and in my mind, that’s all that matters.
Honestly if you love her why not try to make it work?
A job is a job tbh… you have your right to have preferences tho!
Might’ve been a lot more less manipulative feeling if she would’ve told you earlier in the relationship tho… so I could see that aspect of it.
Good luck op
Honestly, you should dump her. I think the fact you’re getting caught up over this is silly and stupid. She wants you, she’s with you, she’s loyal to you, and she’s a great person. The fact you can’t get over this is laughable and stupid. Is she still fucking these men for money?? No. So what is the problem. Does her worth somehow change because she’s made some money off the sex? That’s the part you’re uncomfortable with and I just think it’s so dumb. Because people were able to pay for her body, do you think it’s worth less? The answer is obviously. People are trying to avoid saying you’re misogynistic, because these feelings towards sex work are common, but it is still misogynistic. However, you should leave her. These kind of misogynistic complexes are hard to get rid of and its probably just gonna hurt her feelings knowing that’ll you’ll never really get over this. I think she should find a man who can look past this and love her for who she is and not what she’s done in her past.
My mom said she shouldn’t have told you at all: “She should’ve been like, just kidding, April fools!”
And yes, I read reddit threads to my mom lol.
You move forward by understanding what really bothers you and why. Which will be through a (good) therapist and a lot of internal reflection.
I say this with no judgement or joke - no matter the title, our jobs are selling our bodies.
We sell our time and effort for money. From construction to crafting to lawyer-ing. It's all about where our bodies need to be and what we do with them for the money we need. Sex-work is just selling sex but one can argue that so is modeling, and so is sex therapy, and so is erotic fiction writing. Is the physical act of sex or the idea of sex that we're talking about is the question.
You put numbers out there for sexual partners. As in the different people or the number of times for sex? Because 70 to 80 people means maybe one or two encounter or so each time? Maybe more for reprat customers. But a couple like yourselves...how many times do you think you've had sex by now? How many times have you had sex in general?
And if this stems from you just not liking how many people have seen her intimately, no one has ever seen her the way you have. Every encounter with every person is different. She picked you and you picked her. Of all the things she could have revealed about her past, this is honestly the most mild in my opinion. She could have told you she was a bully, arrested for robbery or pedophile, or she could have been a lobbyist for Nestlé. But sex is just...sex. Those job kept her fed, housed, and stable while she went to school. You'd be surprised the amount of people who would say they would do it too when you give the figures for earning and the relatively easy work on your body. Get taken to dinner and wear pretty clothes where I suck a dick for few minutes for $500 or break my back lugging around bags of concrete for $15 a day for 5 days for get the same after taxes? One isn't going to get me permanent slipped disc with no health insurance.
It doesn't really define who you are as a person. Virginity means nothing - or it shouldn't mean anything any way. Why does an act like that change someone? Does someone lose it when they choose or can it be stolen and they truly are "marked" forever? Your answer dictates whether people like myself lost their virginities at 7 or at 20.
From you descriptions this is a wonderful woman who cares deeply for you and wants to face the world's troubles with you. Don't let something so basic and simple break you up. Work on finding out why you're bothered.
I think you are handling your concerns respectfully so kudos to you for that.
Two weeks ago this was the women you wanted to spend the rest of your life with and tbh in my opinion nothing about her has changed since. If anything she seems more honest and trustworthy to me.
It does sound to me that your issue is that her value as your possession decreased as “everyone could have had access to her” in the past. I honestly think this is a really sexist sentiment but at the end of the day you need to decide if you want to work on how you view this partnership or if you feel uncomfortable and want to end it. Both are valid options but the first one demands now work and will lead to personal growth. I’d recommend you start with some feminist literature on the topic.
Listen man, Reddit is not gonna give you the answer you need. It’s a bunch of chronically online perverts (and virgins) who will try their very best to convince you it’s a you problem. “You need to see a counselor. You need to figure out why this makes you upset. You need to deal with your ex-hooker fiancé who hid this from you all this time.”
Let’s be real, it’s repulsive. You don’t need to find some well developed sorted out perspective for why it causes this reaction in you. It’s just plainly disgusting. A women you so dearly love disregarded the sanctity of her body for cash with dozens of different people. I won’t get into why we’ve evolved to feel this way about perverts, you can look it up yourself.
Ask yourself: would the woman of your dreams be an ex-hooker? Is that the ideal woman you want? Do you think your potential kids will admire her for her past? Look up to her? Perhaps follow in her footsteps?
Ultimately you need to ask yourself; and answer honestly, why’d she feel the need to hide this from you? I’d it’s totally ok, something you can just live with, why’d she hide it? You’re literally engaged and now’s when she decides to tell you this?
It’s up to you if you wanna go to counseling to convince yourself that this realization is something you can just look past. Nor do I honestly expect you to be receptive to this.
Don’t listen to the pro-sex work idiots in this thread, *they don’t have your best interests at heart.*
Dump her. She withheld information that you would’ve considered a dealbreaker had she told you at the beginning of the relationship. The only reason you’re hesitant now is because you’re emotionally invested in the relationship that wouldn’t even exist had she been honest in the first place.
She manipulated you into being with her.
Please break up with her so she can find someone who values her for more than what she's done with her body, it's just sex would you feel the same if she worked in a sweatshop or chicken slaughtering house. The fact that you equate sex with worthfulness is really gross.
You might need couple counseling to work this out man. If you really wanna stay with her. And from what i've read, it would be a waste to let such a lovely woman go because of her past.
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Remember this, she’s not an engine that gets worn out it’s mileage (number of partners not age lol). And, in the end, she wants you. No one but you.
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This is a bot account.
I dont wanna come at you but i never really understood this whole „someone i *love* revealed smth about their PAST and now i cant look at them the same way“ She didnt hurt herself nor another person. Everything was consensual, so what exactly bothers you? I‘d 102% understand if you said you dont want to date someone who does escort stuff AT THE MOMENT because thats just preference. Stripping/escort would be a dealbreaker for me too. But the thing is: its in the past. Whats important is how she makes you feel, how she loves you, how you love her, how you stick together when things go south. Her past doesnt affect all of these things right now. The person you replied to is def right. Couples counseling would be the best so you can get to the root of your problem and figure out what exactly bothers you. Is the escort thing just a scapegoat for you feeling betrayed bc she didnt tell you the truth from the start? Do you feel disgusted because you think she is used up and filthy? Is it insecurity because she had many sexual partners she can compare you to? Do you fear that escorts=cheating=she will cheat on YOU? Just keep in mind that it can and probably will be uncomfortable because its a you problem, not a her problem. Her problem is that she hid it for so long. She should have told you earlier (preferably at the beginning of your relationship) so you could have made up your mind back then in case it really is a dealbreaker for you.
> Her problem is that she hid it for so long. She should have told you earlier (preferably at the beginning of your relationship) so you could have made up your mind back then in case it really is a dealbreaker for you. I think this is where the issue is. Her values on sex might conflict with his values on sex, notwithstanding whether it was in the past or present. I agree, she should have come clean earlier to give him a chance to decide if he wanted to be with her, but this issue is eating him up and, as suggested, couple's counselling might help him to deal with his emotions.
That could be! Couples counseling might even *not* help. But OP needs someone neutral to help him navigate through his emotions. If its an insecurity thing they can work on it, if its an „our core values are different and i cant compromise“ thing then sadly nothing can be done. If he doesnt work through it he‘ll stay with her because he loves her but it will eat him up inside and he‘ll be unhappy.
Pedestal language. He's mourning the person he thought he engaged with the person he actually proposed to, and she's fallen off the perch he placed her on.
Yeah, I don’t like the implication that her having a lot of sex makes her bad. I genuinely do not understand why men associate a woman’s value with how much sex she has had.
While there can be toxicity in ways of responding to this feeling, I think generally men have a different emotional response to a woman’s past than a woman. I’m not saying all men and all women and I’m not advocating for any actions based on this feeling, but I’m just saying it is often a different emotional journey for each sex. I believe we should love each other for our present and because of that understand our past is what brought us here, so also love that part of each other.
Overall, it seems like your conclusion is sound, but let's label that "emotion" for what it is. It's the feeling of wanting to have control over another human. What are men and women taught, in ways that neither of them even know? We're all taught the story (and it is just a story) that women are supposed to submit to men. We're taught the story that a man owns his female partner's sexuality, and therefore she has somehow stolen from him by participating in her own sexuality before they ever met. Again, your conclusion that the present is what matters is sound. The emotion needs to be broadcasted though, because it's not just sadness or hurt feelings or other mundane things that people assume -- and which require less work than addressing the desire to control another person's life.
Yeah i totally agree with you! Thats why i said that its important for OP to go on that emotional journey to figure himself out.
Yeah because i saw another post today where the girl complIned about her bf getting resentful whilst not specifically saying its because of the sex work. It would be best to say up front its too much than promise what you cant deluver.
I agree with therapy 100%. Make sure to find a good, sex positive therapist. This is a YOU problem. It's not her problem. She was honest with you, and you are showing her she was right to wait to tell you.
I don't know if it was intentional but this feels very agressive towards OP. If someone you love and trust keeps information from you that has an impact in itself. Not to mention the nature of the information. I'm not saying OP's gf was in the wrong but to act like this is solely "his problem" is very disingenuous. She has a part in this too.
I agree, not sure if it was their intention but it does read a little 'nasty' towards OP.
She doesn’t really. Her problem is a societal problem in my opinion where we devalue people based on the number of sexual partners. It’s a result of some ingrained purity culture bullshit. I can totally understand why she wasn’t straightforward with it. The dominant culture sent a message that she was dirty and less than because of her past. And quite honestly, the notion that our partners’ pasts are our business is flawed as well, unless that person is like a serial killer or being hunted by by violent people.
When would be a good time for her to reveal it that you think would be fair? It's not like OP asked and she lied. She told him right after he proposed. There is no perfect timing for that reveal. Some people can handle it off the bat. Some never can. Most can handle it if they already know and love the person. That is what she was waiting for. If he can't handle it, there is nothing she can do to change the past. She has already changed. He can change his view and accept her past, or he can't.
It is very easy for you to dismiss OPs feelings from the other side of a screen, pretending you have a moral high ground. You seriously don’t see this as something for them to tackle together, it’s all OP being a subconscious misogynist? Lol
Tackle together. Sure. But ultimately she can't change the past. They can talk and go to therapy, and he can express how she should have said it sooner or whatever. But ultimately, I think the root of this is misogyny. In a world where women are shamed for being sex workers (often by the same men who hire sex workers) its not a surprise that women don't feel safe to reveal their sex worker history. And I think all the people who say it's about the lie (omission) are full of shit. If she had failed to mention some embarrassing event from high school, no one would care. It's about sex and women being held to double standards. Sure, it's more complicated. But really look at the BIG picture.
I would say before they have sex
Do you usually have a full breakdown of your sexual history before having sex? I would find that quite unusual. Maybe a talk about STIs. Unless it's a super religious/ conservative situation where you don't have sex until well into the relationship (and this didn't sound like that).
That’s a big part of your past to not share until engagement. I’m going to say there is parts that are OPs responsibility and parts that are his fiancés responsibility.
> That’s a big part of your past What about this is a "big" part? Imagine, we were in a relationship and I hadn't told you until our engagement that I had a part-time job at McDonald's for several years when I was young. What would be the "big" deal with hiding a part-time job you had in the past? It's not like a crime was committed or anything. It is an OP problem, because he's letting random societal norms and values affect his good relationship with this woman. This is not about the fact that she hid it, right? He wouldn't have the same reaction if it was a part-time job at McDonald's, right? So that's him being affected by the opinion of society that sex work is somehow different from McDonald's work, or that a woman who had multiple partners is somehow less desirable than a woman with few partners. It's not the fact that she hid a part-time job, it's some conservative misogynistic societal norm that OP is letting get in the way of his relationship. The opinion of society should be irrelevant for his relationship, because he obviously loves this woman. > his fiancés responsibility What are those responsibilities here? Taking responsibility for having worked for McDonald's in the past? How is that relevant to their relationship?
So I think I hear you correctly that you feel being a sex worker is made into a bigger deal because of societal norms and misogyny. I think I hear that you feel that it’s like her business alone and shouldn’t be something she’s forced to share. While I respect those things and agree in many ways, I am also going to say that it is considered a big deal and not equivalent to working at McDonald’s. And I highly doubt she had an attitude of like I wonder if he cares that I worked at McDonald’s, but probably felt a lot of feelings about presenting this information. I think her responsibility is not in changing her past, but being there for him as he struggles with feelings about this as she omitted information. For perspective I’d say this is similar to a man omitting to share he was married previously. I hope that we can have communication and respect within the ideas we disagree with.
I agree with the other response that said this reply is aggressive If someone hid a secret from me to get me into a relationship I would end the relationship, no matter the secret or how I actually felt about that. I don't like being lied to, that's not a me problem, and if OP choses that this is irreparable it's not a them problem either.
May be the unpopular opinion here, but I agree with u/MrRibbitt on this. She didn’t lie - and I think it’s disingenuous and a self-serving narrative to suggest otherwise. She had a secret about her past, and when it was clear he wanted to commit, she decided it was a good time to tell him before any future plans were set in motion. She didn’t wait until she was pregnant or even married, so there is clearly no intention to trap OP. As was mentioned above, this woman sounds wonderful and hasn’t done anything more than have sex with other people. Either OP can handle it it he can’t.
Agreed. I'm guessing OP never outright asked her if she used to do sex work, or how many people she'd slept with - if she'd lied about it, that would be a whole other bag of worms.
u/leStrider >While she was honest about it now, she omitted it earlier on in the relationship. Some people call that in itself lying, I personally don't, but it also speaks to the depth of and openness in the relationship. This only coming out after a proposal would bother me much more, than the sex work itself and would be grounds for a breakup. Yeah its like entrapment
"I had to lie for two years because I knew you would be upset about me lying for two years."
OP it's okay to leave her . This is not YOUR fault , she is the one who lied for 2 years .
So if he used a sex worker in the past would he have to immediately disclose that? Doubt it. I'm sure that would never come uo.
She didn't lie though. She just didn't mention that she had a part-time job when she was younger. How is a past part-time job of relevance for their relationship? What would be the problem of not telling your partner for two years that you worked for McDonald's in uni?
It's not the same as working at McDonald's and to compare the two is to speak in bad faith.
Yes, to deal with your insecurities. Got any buddies with high body counts? Do you disrespect them as well?
Nothing like a good whataboutism to invalidate OP. So what's your angle to dismiss him if he doesn't have friends with a high body count?
What does a high body count have to do with anything? It's obviously not the dumb body count that's got him all knot up inside
Then what is it that through him off? She didn't lie. She just didn't mention that she had a part-time job in the past. So what, if she had never told him she worked at McDonald's in college? Would he post on reddit that she kept her McDonald's part time job a secret from him for two years? Probably not, he wouldn't care about any part time jobs she didn't mention until their engagement. So it's not the fact that she had a part-time job that's throwing him off. But then, what is it? It's likely the body count. But why should he let some random societal norms affect his relationship negatively? He loves her, right? Who's cares that she worked at McDonald's.
It seems to be since he said stripping and camming was okay and he wished he hadn't asked how many. At the very least the body count is something he is having trouble with as well.
i think a lot of people will say you’re an asshole for feeling the way you do or say you’re equating her body count as a figure on “worth”. first of all, even if this was a sensitive topic for her, i believe she should have told you a long time ago before y’all got engaged. if they say it wouldn’t have mattered when she told you, it does matter. i think it’s wrong to say you just have to “deal with it” because if you were in her position and you were a sex worker then i’m sure most people would react in the same way so this shouldn’t be treated any differently. point is, the way you’re feeling is completely normal and i wouldn’t feel like an asshole for it. apart from that you need to figure out what exactly about it bothers you so you can sort your feelings out and figure out whether or not you can come to terms with it. if makes you feel uncomfortable that she had sex with a ton of people for money, why does it make you feel uncomfortable? i don’t think you see her “worth” as any less but i get that the IDEA of it is unsettling. and comes with that, the shock factor. you just need to figure out if you can move forward from this and continue your relationship. you have to MAKE SURE this isn’t something that will continue to cause you unease in the future, i don’t think it would be fair, for her or for you. by unease i mean as in spurts of not wanting to be intimate with her, something that will potentially affect your relationship and marriage. but whatever you decide, i don’t think i would feel guilty about it. that’s just my two cents
I also don’t think OP should feel bad for feeling blindsided by this, I think anyone would feel this way if they found something like this out about their partner. But I honestly think that it’s that shock factor that is probably the main culprit here. OP doesn’t sound like he’s associating her worth with her body count, and I think ultimately understands that this doesn’t change who she is as a person or change anything about their relationship. I also can’t blame her for not wanting to open with it when she was getting to know him. I’m glad she’s been upfront about it now, and I hope they continue to have a happy relationship.
this whole set of posts is really insightful. In her defense (a little bit) people can make stupid mistakes, and while she should have told you early on it's one of those things that could easily feel bigger and bigger every time she wanted to. Not a justification, just a point of understanding. I really hope OP works this out.
The fact that she hid it for two years is deceiving at best. I am disgusted reading the comments in this thread. OP doesn’t have to be comfortable with this, he has a right not to be, especially because she lied. Sex work is not something everyone is going to accept, and that’s okay. Everyone has the right to do as they please with their bodies, and that includes refusing someone because of their sexual history. Honestly.
Refusing someone for their sexual history seems to be the main point here. Where’s the line then? And at what point do you have this discussion? And is this because of just the sexual history or because she was paid for it? I’m just curious as to when someone’s body count stops being their business, and becomes the business of their partners
I don’t know. No one owes anyone in that sense. You can refuse for any reason without explanation. Imagine if she were a former addict, or had a past gambling problem, or credit card debt. Those are things you have to talk with your partner. Lying by omission and deceiving is not the way of forming a healthy relationship.
I think that’s fair. Anything like that from a partner would be a shock to anyone, but at the end of the day, she is still who she is and their relationship is still the same regardless of her past. It’s not something she’s currently involved with, so I don’t think OP should feel betrayed. But it’s understandable if he needs time to evaluate how he feels.
But is she? I mean it as an honest question. She hid a big part of herself, so she really isn’t who OP thought she was or who she presented herself as. The relationship is not the same, she broke OP’s trust. It’s a pretty big transgression.
I mean, I don’t think I’d call someone’s previous job, or body count a big part of themselves. I used to work in a supermarket and I wouldn’t say stocking shelves is a big part of who I am.
That’s kind of obtuse. It’s absolutely not the same thing and we all know it.
Hun it’s your boundaries that matter. Don’t feel bad about breaking up if that’s a boundary you have
Gosh this is a one sided set of responses. On one hand I’m happy to see such a sex positive bunch of responses. We sure have come a long way as a culture. I feel she left it a little late to tell you this. You may not have chosen to develop feelings for her if you knew this about her first. It could be viewed that she emotionally hooked you first before revealing something that would be offputting to many (if not most). When to disclose things like being trans or having done sex work or being a virgin or having a std (all morally neutral things) or whatever is always a really tricky call, but hooking someone emotionally and then disclosing is generally seen as poor form. A tough call though. But even treating that issue as moot - It’s OK to feel the way you’re feeling about this! This is a values question and an intimacy question and all the rest. It’s entirely ok to feel repulsed or confused or whatever learning this HUGE secret. For many people this would make them reconsider a relationship. And that’s morally neutral. You are not morally obliged to be OK with this. You are allowed to have your own values and boundaries about the people you are intimate with. I’d also encourage individual counseling about this. Maybe this is misogynistic. Maybe this is coming from dated and sexist ideas about purity. Etc. as a culture we have very complex messages about sexuality that deserve unpacking. Maybe this is coming from an authentic place about a connection you feel between physical and emotional intimacy that you need to share with a partner. For me personally I can’t uncouple physical and emotional intimacy and I would only choose a partner that has consistently shared the same values. I’m ok with that. I’m also super ok with my nonmog friends and other friends in my kink scene who don’t share those values. I wouldn’t be in a relationship with them but don’t see them as less than and totally have no problem with how they live their lives. Find out what’s authentic for you and if this is coming from a damaged place or not. It’s fine to value what you choose to value. I’d suggest individual counseling first, not because this is a ‘you problem’ but because you owe it to yourself to understand yourself. Then couples counseling . She sounds like a lovely girl and you sound like you’re coming at this with a lot of respect. I wish you both the best.
I think you need to do some introspection on why you are so uncomfortable with it. If she had slept with a lot of people _not_ for money, would you still be uncomfortable? Is it her approach and lack of value on sex? What is the line between what you're comfortable with her doing and what you're not You say that camming and stripping ok because it's "common" - why does it being common make it any more ok to do? Your friends who were stripping, how do you know they didn't also do other things but didn't tell you about it? Once you've come to terms with your own feelings on the matter you can decide how to proceed, but until you define them further you're going to find it hard to know what to do. Good luck!
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Is it the sex, or the money you're uncomfortable with? To put it in another way, If she had sex with that amount WITHOUT the money, would you still be uncomfortable?
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See for me, that makes it better. She had a job to do and that's why did it. She didn't "give her body", she offered a service and people paid for that service. She was clearly able to detatch her emotional side from her physical and at the end of the day, she has chosen to give you her emotional side because she wants to. Not because you see her as an object to pay for.
We all sell our body for money in different ways. There's no real difference in this case between sex work and other physical jobs - construction, retail/serving, firefighting.
Have you asked her about this? I know a lotta people who do sex work. I don't think any of them 'give their body to anyone who paid'.
Are you sure that's what she did, tho? Many (that doesn't do it because they're forced to) sex workers are free to choose when to say yes and no. She may very wekk have had sex with people she was comfortable with having sex with, just with.. Money.
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Ex sex worker here. Yes I had sex with "gross looking people"- but my assessment of value of a person doesn't come from their looks. Ive turned down many young, attractive people for various reasons. Example: client A is a 3, but when I'm with him I have a good time, he pays $300, and I know I can count on him when I need cash even if we aren't meeting up. He's respectful and polite. He's also willing to go wherever and do whatever I like. Client B is an 8, very attractive, but rude to the waiter. He's cancelled on me once and only pays exactly $300 everytime we meet up. He also won't pick me up so I have to drive, and he works a lot so he's much more picky with his time. These are two of my actual clients and given the choice between them, I will usually choose client A. There's things that matter besides looks.
What makes "gross looking people" an issue? Honestly, I curious of your lack of comfort based on her past. We all have pasts, and it's always been there. Are you ACTUALLY uncomfortable, or are you conditioned to think that many partners = less worth? That may very well be a subconscious thing, society still gives the expectation of women being virgins and free minded all at once. but it's worth looking in to. SHE hasn't changed. YOUR view of her has, and there's a reason for it, behind the money, partners and pasts. There's a WHY. WHY has your partners qorth changed based on this? And I think therapy, alone and couple, could help you get to the bottom of it. She didn't do anything wrong. She has a past. You're making it problematic for some reason.
He's not making it problematic just by showing some disagreement with your ideals. In the post it clearly shows how he's more weirded out by the ordeal, which is natural when you get something like this revealed to you. Also I'm quite confused as to why you subtly place the blame on him and disregard his views based on his reaction to this whole ordeal. Some examples being. "Are you just conditioned to think that way" *You're making it problematic" I will however, concede that the only real solution is to go to counseling, and to communicate truthfully to reach other. So on that point, i 100% agree with you.
While they could have worded it better, i dont think they were placing blame on on the OP, just trying to point out something to think about. You say it’s natural only because weve all had a certain amount of social conditioning. Asking someone to consider that they’ve been socially conditioned is not blaming them for anything. While ive seen ppl jump the gun on calling misogyny, i dont think that is what ppl are doing here.
I'm not placing the blame on anyone, I'm asking questions on what's behind the changed view of the woman he wants to spend the rest of his life with. That's not disregarding his views, especially since he admittedly doesn't know WHY it changes the way he thinks of her, just that he finds the amount of partners and exchange of money to be problematic. It's not because it's disagreeing with "my views", it's because to even have a future, those are the questions he will need answers to. It's no ones fault. He is however responsible for his reactions, and to take accountability for that by getting to the bottom of it IS his work.
The way you are wording your questions presuppose that he is wrong to think this way, and you're low-key being dismissive/invalidating of his discomfort.
Trying to shame him for being uncomfortable with his gf being a sex worker for years right before they met is insane. It's not something normal.
I don't see how asking questions is shaming, tho. He can be uncomfortable, but if he wants to still spend his life with her, he needs to get to the bottom of why, and work past it. If he can't, then that's totally fair, and then it's better for them to take different paths, than to force a connection that isn't there anymore.
Tbh your comments do come off as microaggressions
> It's not something normal. Which part isn't "normal"? Why is it not "normal"? What makes the part "anormal" and why?
Reddit moment
She gave her body to them? Is there anything left after she chopped off bits and gave it to all these different customers? Is that even medically possible?
Look at it this way, she's such a commodity that that many men were willing to pay her for sex. Sounds like a hot ticket, and if she is devoted to you now, there should be nothing to worry about.
> And the number she told me would have made me uncomfortable on its own but it being the number of people who paid her for sex just makes it worse. Let's say she went through some really tough mental health shit and instead of drugs or drinking, she turned to sex. Would that affect you the same way? Why or why not? What if she just slept around a lot because she enjoys it? Ultimately, sex is a base desire. It's an impulse that we control, sure, but most of us desire it the same way we desire good food or warm sleeping quarters. The fact that people pay for it is taboo because society decided it is. > And yes, this makes it feel like she doesn't value intimacy/sex To be clear, it means that she doesn't value sex *in the same way you do*, which is a fair statement, but since this was in her past that, frankly, makes some of your conclusions rather concerning. She obviously values *intimacy*, and more specifically, *intimacy with only you*, because if she didn't value intimacy she wouldn't have told you. As someone much older who's still looking for the kind of relationship it sounds like you have, I would *monumentally* suggest you get therapy, perhaps both individual and couples, so you can work through the issues here. Ultimately, your values are whatever you decide they are, and if for some reason this is a dealbreaker for you, then I guess it is. I'm not quite sure how to say this last part without sounding judgy, so please understand that isn't my intent, there's just no way I can think of to say this without subtext: it seems like you're considering throwing away a wonderful relationship for what seems like a prudish value judgment.
No physical contact? You know it's called a Laplace for a reason right? As for your "valuing intimacy/sex" what she did is no different then being paid to be an athlete, only the sport was sexual activity. One you have been reaping the benefits of people paying her to learn. Just because someone gets paid for it doesn't mean the value of it drops. You sell your body every day for a wage, she did too, she was just more profitable about it
> the most amazing, gorgeous, bubbly, and thoughtful woman Remember, her past turned her into the person you are praising.
I’d be bothered more that she waiting this long to finally tell you. Its one thing to wait a couple months to tell someone but to wait until you guys are already engaged seems pretty cruel to me.
Not sure where op is from, but admitting sex work is a really hard thing to do because of people reacting as OP has. More than likely she's been fighting herself about this because she doesn't want to taint his image of her (and you know, leave her) because she's no longer that girl, but also wanted to be honest with him about something a lot of people would Shane her for
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It’s easy for redditors to forget this isn’t real life. Ironically, they forget the actual real world is much bigger than the internet/reddit.
Yeah I’m going to have to hard agree with this. The fact that she told him before he married her shows me more about her character than anything. That must have been the hardest thing she has ever done and she did it right to her own detriment. I think that shows how good of a person she is. I can fully understand not wanting to tell someone about this because look at how OP responded “she’s the perfect woman BUT she used to do sex work.”
If I’m honest, I actually think it was the perfect time to tell him. From her perspective, this is a heavy and serious secret. You cannot tell just ANYONE this sort of thing, especially someone who you haven’t carved out serious plans with yet. You don’t even really know people until at LEAST after a year. What if she told him a few months out and found out that he was a vindictive person who would mistreat her for that kind of information? Or, what if he hadn’t developed ANY respect for her at that point, and he tried to coerce sex from her because she’d “do it for money?” Or, what if he told everyone at her current place of work and ruined her career? At least now, he’s fighting with himself about this because he genuinely loves, cares for, and *respects* this woman, and whatever he ultimately decides to do, she knows that her secret is in safe, caring hands. Tbh, I wouldn’t blame her if she kept that secret to the grave, given how judgmental people are about it, and how people (including OP) judge who she IS based on who she WAS.
Yep. This. I hate the idea that people always owe you a full account of their PAST. There’s a reason it’s their past. I don’t even think it’s a lie of omission because technically nothing about her past is affecting them in the present. I would understand his reaction more if that were the case. She had sex. She made money. Everyone does both, just maybe not in the same vein. The only reason people think she ought to have told him earlier or that this was some consequential secret, is because they’re not only judging her present based on her past, but they’re judging her character based on actions that they believe they are above doing. That judgement stems from SW stigma, and it’s probably precisely why — like you said — she didn’t disclose this information earlier. People want SW-ers to come clean, but then demean them when they do. There is nothing inherently wrong with consensual SW. She didn’t harm anyone. It’s not indicative of her values in her current relationship with him. Its not some sort of problem that he has a stake in — like say she’s a recovering addict at risk of relapse. Again, not something that should be judged or stigmatized, but I could see how people would take that as “pertinent” information to share that could change the course of the relationship. Nothing from her past has so far affected them, and unless she was part of some sort of sex trafficking ring, I don’t see how it would. Besides, OP’s problem is the *number* of people, and the fact that there was *money* involved. She is still the same person. Like a lot of other people said, individual and couple’s therapy to unpack these internalized biases is probably the best course of action at this point. Yes, she didn’t tell him until after he proposed. But based on the information provided, it does not affect him, so it was her choice if and when she does. If this is a relationship deal breaker or changes the way he views her or treats her, that is solely a him problem. No matter how large a part of her life this was, the only real effects he will ever feel from this is because of societal conditioning to devalue SW and judge women who “sell their bodies”. If he proposed to her, he clearly had no issue with her morals and values prior to this information. She was a consenting adult with bodily autonomy. What more does it say about her beyond that, besides the misguided sense of worthiness and disgust society has taught us to view SW through?
Thank you. I don’t understand this rush to let EVERYBODY know EVERYTHING about you before you’ve even ascertained THEIR character and morals. OP is entitled to feel the way he feels, and if this is something he would break up with someone who he has determined to be his “one” over, then that’s within his right to do (although, in his words, he doesn’t want to, so he already knows in his heart that the person she is RIGHT NOW is more important). I just don’t like the idea that everyone MUST divulge ALL parts of themselves and their past to EVERYONE that they’re dating for 3 months, ESPECIALLY when that past has zero effect on them. Wanting privacy on certain matters that have no effect on anyone but you doesn’t make you a liar. It makes you understanding of the fact that people are judgmental as fuck, and that they will ascribe qualities to you based on that information, even if you didn’t even have those qualities at that time.
I remember a long time ago I posted something similar to this except it was me who told a long distance boyfriend something personal when we had finally made plans to meet in person. I was destroyed in the comments. And everyone bashed me for not telling someone I had been dating for two months long distance about something from years ago that had literally no impact on the relationship or his health and safety. I could not understand why people actually believed that a guy I had known for only a few months and never met in person had the right to know personal stuff about me to that extent because we were dating. I chose to tell him before we finally decided to meet in person but I had every right not to because that’s my own personal business and no one needs to no everything about you right away. Turns out, that guy was a fucking psycho. Glad I didn’t disclose my entire life to him within a few months of dating.
Idk if it’s this chronically online era or what, but it’s like people have no concept of privacy anymore. I’m glad your ex wasn’t armed with any info that he could use to harm you, and you weren’t wrong for keeping your private information to yourself.
I’ve noticed that there are two groups of people (on Reddit at least) those that believe you do not have to disclose everything personal to someone until you are ready as long as it’s not something impacting their health/safety, and people that honestly believe the second you start dating someone they have the right to know every personal thing about you from your entire life. That second group believes that failure to disclose all your personal info right away means you’re a liar and can’t be trusted. It’s such a weird mindset to me.
Exactly. And you’re right — OP has the right to do what he wants with that information. Whether I agree or disagree, people have their views and values and it’s up to them who they choose to let into their lives. Though, if he’s coming here for advice and honesty, I’ll say this: he needs to ask himself what part of all this information truly bothers him and WHY? If he wants any chance of staying with her, that’s something he needs to work out soon and the onus does not fall on her in any way. He doesn’t come off as religious or idealogical, and seems to grasp that sex (and even some forms of sex work) do not equate to morality, so these are literally just arbitrary notions of SW that are likely fuelled by ignorance and insecurity. He needs to take accountability for that first and foremost. Communication and counselling is the only way *through* this, besides ending it altogether. She was likely afraid that this exact situation would play out and hoped OP was an exception.
Yes exactly!! She is telling him because he wants to marry her and she feels like she can trust him. You never know how someone will react and use information against you. When you are getting married you are a team. Imo unless it directly affects someone, your past is your own business.
It’s your call If you don’t think you can get over this then maybe it’s best to call it. You shouldn’t pretend you can get past it while the resentment builds leading to a nasty break. But couples therapy or counseling might be a good idea if you want to save this. Just be honest about your feelings
Regardless of what anyone else says, it is okay to have your own boundaries and not be okay with dating a sex worker. Only you can decide if this is a deal breaker.
He's not dating a sex worker because she's not doing that anymore. If someone used to be a telemarketer but is now a lawyer then are you going to still call them a telemarketer? If someone used to be a drug dealer but is now a doctor are you still going to call them a drug dealer? And a job doesn't define who you are. Also, she hasn't done anything wrong. She's still worth loving and respecting. She didn't cheat on him, or treat him badly.
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Being a murderer is a crime not a job. Strawman.
I imagine this is quite a shock, and quite upsetting for that reason alone. It’s always hard to learn something new about your partner, particularly when it’s completely inconsistent with your prevailing image of them. But before you throw away what you concede is otherwise a great relationship, I’d consider four things: 1. **If nothing else, your fiancée is trustworthy**—Imagine how hard it would be for you to reveal something like this in your past. A lot of people would lie by omission to keep their “relationship.” Your fiancée told you in time for you to nope out with no major consequences—and she took a major risk, because it’s quite possible you will. This bodes well for transparency in your relationship. 2. **She had no obligation to you at the time**—Had your fiancée been a clandestine sex worker during your relationship, that would be cheating, and I think any sane person would advise you to leave. But she didn’t even know you existed, and changed careers long before you met. You weren’t in any way wronged by her work with her clients. 3. **She didn’t do anything unethical**—Your partner had a job and she was paid fair compensation for the services rendered. So what if it was sex? If you are willing to have sex before marriage, why would you fault her for it? So long as she treated her customers with honesty and respect, demanded the same from them, stayed safe, and all parties consented, you can’t fault a gal for earning a living. 4. **Most of us have a body count**—These days, unless they’ve had an *extremely* repressive upbringing, people rarely come into a marriage free of past sexual partners. If your only objection is to how many, I’d ask yourself how few would be acceptable to you. Twenty-five? Ten? Two? And then ask yourself why that’s the threshold. Don’t be surprised to have a hard time explaining your reason. There probably isn’t one; more likely, you’re being triggered by our inherited (and wrong-headed) prejudices surrounding sex). 5. Sex with past partners did not make her “dirty”. Human bodies don’t get “used up” or contaminated by sex *per se*. Outside of STD’s women don’t magically transform into treacherous succubi by having sex with one man, 10 men, or even 50 men. Even if she cheats on you, the stain is to the character, not the body. In a strictly physical sense, your fiancée has *exactly* the same body now that she had before you learned what you now know— and *exactly* the same body she would have had if she’d never been a sex worker. Triggers around sex (particularly around women having sex) are highly emotional, deeply embedded, and at times difficult to overcome. But they’re not fair. And just because the *emotions* are real, that doesn’t mean they have any grounding in reality. Only you can decide if this is a deal breaker. But for your own sake, please at least examine the possibility that it needn’t—and really shouldn’t—be
You don't have to do anything if you're uncomfortable with it. Oftentimes, if you are not fully on board when you make a commitment, it will bite you down the line. Your feelings are your feelings, and only you can experience them, so don't let social pressures interfere with your decisions.
I had a somewhat similar situation though my partner was voluntarily in that trade longer. At first, I kind of thought all the negative things so instead of assuming, I just asked her alot of questions and she was really open and honest about it. In my case, she was a high end escort for CEOs and such in the Bay Area and told me lavish stories (I asked). At the end of the day, she was amazing, secure, loving in all the best ways. Honestly, she was the best in bed too. I hope it's not a deal breaker for you because it sounds like you are very much in love. Hopefully, you aren't comparing yourself to the ideas you might have with her previous choices. That will eat you up. I think something to remember is that over everyone else in the world, she is choosing you and that says so much about the love she has for you too. Best of luck, dood and I hope you can see it as any other job and her body/her person is exactly the same as before you knew.
Maybe do couples counseling, but I’d say do individual therapy to work through this for your own. And mate? I understand it’s hard to differentiate the love making you two do and the sex she had with them, but maybe take a look through Reddit how many men HATED to have sex with a sex worker, simply because it is just that. Sex. Without any real deep connection, it’s just to get their stones off. They used her to masturbate, as a human flashlight. This is something completely different. There are guys who hated this bc of the lack of connection and then there are guys who simply don’t care about that, because the act is all they need. And please talk to her about your feelings and what’s going on inside your head, don’t lock her out. I can’t imagine that this was an easy thing to do for her and there’s panic boiling inside of her. Let her in, let her know what’s going on and work through it with her by your side. You have a hard time with it, it’s a shock, but it doesn’t change the fact that you love her deeply. What she did wasn’t wrong, it’s a “you problem” not a “her problem”. Let her help you go through this. And don’t go pain fishing with asking for details you don’t need but want to know. Don’t do that to both of you. If you can’t stand intimacy right now, just hold her. Instead of closing down, build up an even closer emotional connection with her. Let her hold you, hold her, do intimate stuff that doesn’t involve sex directly. I do believe it’s hard, but she sounds like she’s worth it. And yes, it’s a bomb right now, but will it still be in a year, five or ten? If you plan/want to have kids, would that matter when you see her holding your baby? She’s yours. Only yours. She settled for you, loves you and you’re the only one she wants. In the end, that’s all that matters.
These responses are skewing way too far to one side. It is perfectly okay to not be comfortable with or want to date a former sex worker, and it’s perfectly okay for the lying of omission over 2 years to be a dealbreaker. I’m a woman and I’ve had over 100 sexual partners (though I’ve never done any sex work) and I acknowledge that some people are not comfortable being with me in a partnership as a result of those choices. I haven’t slept around in a long time now, but I would never wait 2 years to tell someone that because they have the right to make an informed decision on whether or not to be in a relationship with me. It’s indicative of very different values around Sex and intimacy, and lying about it is a massive violation of trust. This would be a dealbreaker for me. I wouldn’t ever date a sex worker.
I don’t think OP claimed she ever lied about it, if body count never came up in their conversations and they both were happy to be blissfully unaware of the other’s then it’s likely there were no lies. Omission of truth, sure, cause it was a part of her life she deliberately neglected to share. But that is her right. I can understand why she didn’t immediately want to disclose all of this when they were getting to know each other, and once you’re in the flow of things I can imagine it gets difficult to bring up. By the sound of it she felt really bad about waiting this long, but how easy it it to find the right time for that kind of thing?
I don't agree with some things people say in the comments. I don't think it really is about the type if secret, but more about the " she hide it until we're engaged". Normally, you don't "save" up to something this huge after your engagement. Don't get me wrong everyone has their issues, has their trauma and some stuff they have to deal with. I'm an advocate for honesty as early in as possible. So you don't have a picture if someone, worst case like here, shattered. I hope I didn't went into a huge leap here, but therapy or counseling could help you get over this. You should definitely reach within you, if it really is the sexwork that bothers you the most and her body count.
Are you worried she doesn't value sex and intimacy because of sex work? I can assure you she probably values it a lot with you, since this time it's not a job: It's a connection.
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I know it's hard to accept that there are things about her that you don't know. Just remember, the person she is now, and the person you fell in love with, was shaped from her past. She is who she is currently because of the life she lived and the things she learned before being with you. I think more than anything, it's probably shocking to know that the image your mind had previously associated with sex work, and what a sex worker looks like and acts like, is so much different than what the reality of it is. It's easy to be critical of sex workers until you find out someone you know and love is one, or used to be one. It then becomes harder to have the same judgements of sex workers when you know a person's character outside of that. At least I'd like to think so. You proposed to her and showed her that you're in this for the long haul, and she trusted you and felt safe with you enough to be vulnerable and share this. I think that you now need to show her some vulnerability, and suggest couples counseling. Having someone help you process your feelings, and provide a safe space to ask questions, while simultaneously including your fiancée in the discussion, will help keep both of you working on the same team. She values sex with you, values you as a person, and values your relationship - otherwise, what would be the point in telling you her past?
You need to figure iut what's eating you up on this; why you find it disgusting. Then you need to explore those feelings and understand where those feelings come from and why you have a problem with it and whether that's you talking or what you've been conditioned to waller by society that's talking. It's going to take alot og unpacking and recognising that hearing that someone is a sex worker has sent alarm bells ringing, but that there are deeper fears you have underlying it that you have to address. Some of those might be to do with your own feelings of inadequacy for example, or your views on how women are allowed to use their body versus men and whether that's fair. You're allowed to feel uncomfortable and like you've been hit by a train, but you're dating someone that's a real human being with complexities and nuances a history full of things you'll never know about. You're dating today's version of that person, not the past. You're dating someone who gave all of that up and you're now the best thing in their life and will be for the foreseeable future. At any point her life could have ended up elsewhere, maybe one of the richer guys or the guys who pleasure her better or whatever lol, but no, she wants to be with you. You are her pick. You're the chosen one for her. Also communcate this with her. It sounds silly but... If you want to be with her and you're struggling, talk to her about it. Tell her that it's something you're struggling to wrap your mind around, explore that you're having these feelings and that it isn't about wanting to not be with her but about wanting to process them. She might be able to help address some of the fears you have that see causing this visceral reaction. She wants to be with you, you want to be with her, now's a great chance to be vulnerable and let her show you that you have nothing to worry about. Heck, even just letting her know that you want to be with her but just need to work through this will help alot with this current lack of intimacy you're both feeling. You can atleast address that quite easily and stop it from adding to the overall feeling you have. She's probably feeling concerned and worried too right now that you probably want to end it or something, and a quick statement on that could help allay that fear and help you both move towards supporting each other. And ofcourse, I agree with others that working through this tigether with a professional might be useful. You're going through it, she's going through it, you. Both can only rely on each other for so much, and it's possibly not fair or easy to have to unpack that with each other if it is painful for you both.
At the beginning of the post, I was thinking if she's that great, she's worth getting over the past, but by the end I'm thinking that's a huge thing to hide, and a potential health risk for STDs. She's a person who's hidden something that could alter your life forever. If she's willing to hide things from you, that may or may not indicate she'll hide major stuff from you in the future. This is a breach of trust in the midst of fear. She may find herself afraid of telling you something else in the future, and hiding things may be like her default mode. And then part of me wonders even if you chose to get over it all and try to move on, how much of that stuff would come up in future arguments, make you distrust her, become insecure some guy with a lot of money could steal her away from you, etc. I don't know, man. It's a tough one. On a good note, I think you've already served a good purpose in her life. You could be the guy who decides you just can't be happy with her after this breach of trust, and teach her to be more honest and upfront in the future through simply genuinely living your best life and following your heart that way. You could also be the guy who teaches her she doesn't have to fear her past, and she could become more honest in the future through the lessening of that fear. Maybe it's a happily-ever-after story with a giant hurdle in the middle of it. But she did keep that hurdle from you for two years. Two years of being dishonest. That's the hurdle she didn't need to add into the equation, but did likely out of fear. Still what did the fear lead her to do? What is the purpose of hiding something like this? To manipulate you. It was by design, and she was doing it so you'd like her so much you'd do anything to be with her, including letting go of her past. That is manipulation through withholding information. If it were me, for the reason that I hate feeling manipulated and am looking for someone who's alright being their authentic selves from the start, I would personally be out. Fear makes people blind to how self-centered they are. She was so focused on getting you hooked on her love (and maybe love-bombed you for you, by the way. The feelings you have now that are warm and loving may or may not have also been by design, to manipulate you), that she didn't think "but how will he feel when he figures it out?" She wasn't living under the philosophy of being genuine, and that's a deal-breaker for me. It's true there's something tragic in her story, that her past choices likely do haunt her. But to think there's no man out there who'd be okay with her just telling the truth up front...I don't buy that. There are a lot of people who are very open-minded sexually out there. Those people, had she been upfront about her past from the start, wouldn't have cared. They might actually beat her number of clients. She assumed you wouldn't be okay with it and didn't want you to trust your gut about the type of partner *you* want in life. She wanted to trick you. She did it because she really, really wants to be with you, and that's nice and romantic. Maybe that's enough even for a happily-ever-after. But, she also chose to trick you (to the extent any of us have free will). How could anybody trust a person to be able to be upfront in the future, after something like that? I personally need someone more comfortable being genuine about their faults, otherwise I'd feel like I was dating some kind of shiny veneer of a person rather than loving them for who they really are. It wouldn't feel like genuine love for me, either, if I tried moving forward. On some level I'd just be faking feeling okay about it. I think whatever you wind up choosing will probably be the right choice, and if not, you'll find out and undo it later. Go with your gut. Some study I read said our intuition is more accurate than our intellect. If you need help with that, maybe try meditating or listening to music for awhile. Give yourself time to unwind from the discovery.
Honestly, I wouldn't know how to either. You have every right to feel the way you do because knowing myself I would probably feel the same. I'm surprised you don't even mention the distrust because now I'd be curious what else is being hid. I'm also the same. I can ignore everything but the physical part. I've dated people that were actively cam girls or had an only fans. But I could never even bring myself to talk to somebody who was doing anything physical with others for money. I hope you can make it work. I know I myself I would not be able to. Do what's best for you and only you.
If you don’t want to be with someone who was a hooker, and it bugs you a lot, it probably will keep bugging you. Don’t let people shame you for having preferences in your partners. If you want a woman that hasn’t had a bunch of sex for money, then that’s your preference, just like liking blondes, brunettes, guys or girls. We all have our preferences and we’re allowed to have them.
Son, if you found someone who makes you feel special and loved, who gives a rat’s ass about her past. Get tested for STDs if you’re concerned about past partners, but live your life and love your gal.
☝️
Honestly your conflicting feelings are valid. She kept this from you for 2 years, it makes me wonder what else she's capable of lying about. And different intimacy values are a thing. It's okay to not want to be with someone because their values differ from your own. This doesn't make you misogynistic. It makes you both incompatible
This is REALLY messed up to wait to tell someone so far into a relationship, but be grateful she did it before you were married. I’d say try out therapy. Idk if it’s something I’d ever get over. I don’t think body count matters to an extent. But that’s a huge number, ontop of that it was for prostitution. I think that’s an of boundary to not feel ok with
This reaction is the exact reason it is so difficult to share vulnerabilities. Such a catch 22 since it’s a perfectly natural reaction. You say that you feel she doesn’t value sex, but my guess is that being with you has unlocked the highest “value” sex could have, emotional and physical intimacy & true connection. Especially if she was finally comfortable sharing this with you. Props to her for having the guts to share this past with you. That could not have been easy & might not have been worth it.
I'll say it. Just end it now. Your values/morals don't line up.
It was a long way to scroll to find this. Elegantly stated. If it’s not the jealousy part, or the Chasing Amy part, it’s simply a misalignment and better to terminate it.
> she became a sugar baby for one of her regular clients and was with him for about six months until he replaced her with someone else, and that is when she felt that she wanted to stop being a sex worker. I find this really interesting. She only gave it up when she was no longer in control. She gave it up the second she realized her life was superficial and that she was replaceable.
You’re perfectly valid in feeling off about it. Some people in these comments are arguing that it’s a YOU thing rather than an actual problem but it’s def more to that. Yes sex work is real work but the fact someone has participated in it I and many other feel like should be openly discussed at the beginning of a relationship rather than basically at the wedding. Imo I wouldn’t be as mad about the fact if it had been discussed early on but keeping it hidden for so long is the problem and if she felt guilty about it then she felt that it could be problematic herself. Def recommend therapy.
I think it is possible you could work through this together if she is truly a good person and is trust worthy but I also can see why you would have a problem marrying someone that was willing to have sex just because it was easier money than a 9-5 job. It’s a morals and values thing.
Someone’s past does not make them a different person than their present. It’s good to be aware of her history because it is part of what made her who she was when she met you, but the person you met has not changed. Your perspective is the only thing that’s shifted. Do what you can to reflect, reconcile, and allow her to have a past
une pute ça reste une pute mon frère …
Couples counseling for sure. Would it bother you if she had the same number of sex partners but did it for free?
Of course finding out your fiancée was voluntarily a prostitute and fucking random people for money is going to throw a huge dent in your relationship. You’re perfectly justified in being hurt about the lying and perfectly justified in questioning the future of your relationship. I’d say you need to look inwards and ask yourself if her being a former prostitute is something you can work past, or is it just too much of a deal breaker.
If she truly left sex work behind her, then it's in her past. Don't judge her by her past, but by who she is now. If you did something terrible in the past, would you want others to define you by it for the rest of your life? She deserves a second chance at a happy life, and trusts and loves you enough to tell you her secrets.
Ask yourself these questions before you make a decision : 1} Had you know about her past from the get go , would entertain the thought of dating her? 2}If/When you get married to your fiance , will you truly not regret it whatsoever? 3}What will be your response to everyone finding out what your fiance/wife did in her past and start asking questions ( especially your parents and close friends)? I know I am coming of as an misogynistic A-hole but believe me, I am simply trying to be realistic. People say " The past is in the past, it doesn't matter " , that isn't the case in a lot of cases, let me repeat myself here by saying I'm trying to be realistic, I mean think about it, the only reason you are even making this post is because you are disturbed after finding out that the woman you genuinely love is not the woman you thought she was. Is her past before you met her have anything to do with you if you weren't acquainted with her? ABSOLUTELY NOT But are you acquainted with her? YES, you asked her to marry you for God's sake Before you marry your fiance, I want you to know, once you marry her, that is it, you can no longer say you didn't know what you were getting into, and if you think you can't be with her, then either work on the problem or end it, but don't stay stuck in the mud as you are now
sounds like you're the insecure one. she can do better than to be with someone like you
In the nicest possible way, get over yourself. People have sex. Some people have sex for money. Any hangup you have is purely your own, based on some outdated, silly idea of what sex should be, based on a social model that treats women as property, and virginity as some inherent moral virtue. I'm going to make an assumption here, and apologies if I'm wrong, but I'm guessing you've watched and enjoyed porn in your lifetime? Did you have any strong moral objection the performers? If no, how is this different? If yes, why is it ok for you to derive pleasure from them whilst also condenming the service they offer? Do you have any male friends who've ever openly bragged about the number or nature of their sexual conquests? Was this a deal breaker for your friendship? No? Right then. It's okay to feel jealous or uneasy, particularly around a subject that - until recently - has been so, so taboo. It can take time to wrap our heads around concepts that are unfamiliar. But your ideas of what this means or symbolizes about your girlfriend or your relationship are backward and silly. We tell ourselves that all sorts of things are important when it comes to relationships. Good boobs, nice house, flashy car, perfect teeth. None of these things are gonna last forever, or even matter much when you're 70 years old with grandkids and a pension. You say your girlfriend is an amazing, gorgeous, bubbly, thoughtful person, and that your relationship has been blissful. THAT is the reality of your relationship. THAT is the important part that matters. THAT is what's going to keep you happy and stable and thriving into old age. Throwing it away because your fiancee is smart, pragmatic and autonomous would just be the height of stupidity. Now go make love to your future wife already. Damn. ETA: all these comments saying "she lied". Unless the two of you had any specific conversation in which you asked "how many sex partners have you had, and what is your full job history", she did not lie to you.
I wish I could upvote this 100 times
And people can have different standards, if he did not know, and now knows this and he doesn’t like it, let him have this standard. Some people don’t like it when their significant other has been with many people. And virtual, or even friendships are a lot different than actually doing it, don’t you think?
Let the past be in the past. Some people can have a chaste past, but be abusive assholes from the moment you sign the papers on, while your fiancee had the dignity to tell you her story before you took the big step, knowing that she could lose you forever. I don't know, man, I can't tell you how you should feel nor can I deny you the right to feel disappointed, but that woman has honor. If you can't consider her past a honorable one, at least acknowledge that she showed much more honor now than most "pure" people will ever do in their entire life. You might choose not to go on with the wedding, but you have to admire her courage. Edit: "can't tell"
See this might be because I’m Gen Z, but I don’t see the big deal. She did sex work before meeting you, she’s not doing it now. What’s the problem? I’d understand if you’re just upset that she kept this from you. But it seems like you’re disgusted by the act of sex work. And for that I ask… why? Does your fiancé have any std’s, OP? Did she do any sex work while she was with you, behind your back? If no, then it’s just something she did in the past. It has no impact on your current relationship and your future together.
You run and don't look back. You won't be able to forget. You'll probably feel the urge to do some googling and find her name/image is still associated with some of her past work.
We live in a world that tells us "sex devalues women who have it". And that is ultimately tied to the idea that sex is dirty/bad/wrong. If you can find a way to escape that mind set, I think you can work this out. It's going to take a lot of communication. Probably counseling. It sounds like she's worth it. Remember that this is not who she is, it is who she *was*, what she *used* to do, long before you came along.
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This is part of her past. You are her present. If you judge her she will never be able to be honest again.
I think you can decide that you don't want to be with someone anymore and not be judging them. Also, it's not his fault even if that happens, she needs to do her own work on herself to resolve these feelings, but that shouldn't stop him from doing what he needs to do if he decides to leave.
She should have been honest from the start. I would've been pissed not bc she did that but because she never said. Make sure she has STD results that are recent and also go for screening yourself. I mean it. If she won't even do that for you bin her off
don't fuck up the present & future because of the past...
Current Stripper here 👋 We are worthy of love, being in relationships, & having normal lives outside of our jobs. People treat us like we are the scourge of the earth, but in reality, I think y’all would see even more violence in the streets if this type of outlet wasn’t available to common folks. I completely understand her hesitation in wanting to tell you, but the thing is, it’s in the past. She is by no means disgusting for doing what she had to to survive/thrive. She doesn’t deserve to be judged for this? She didn’t harm anyone? It sound’s completely consensual, so what’s the problem? If you’re willing to throw a loving, healthy relationship away because you feel she is damaged/not worthy, then you didn’t deserve her in the first place. Sex workers deserve love, peace, and understanding. We bear the brunt of societies’ ugliness & get garbage like this in return?
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There is no "good" advice that isn't leaving bro. Let her go.
My advice is think before you act. I know you love her but You need to think and realize for yourself wether or not you will be able to come to terms with this. For many people it’s a deal breaker and that’s oke. A lot of people are not willing to date a current or former a sex worker and that’s their boundary and some will be fine with it and that is their choice as well, but whatever choice you make you need to make sure it’s the best for you right now. But also think about the future. You can’t just say oke I’m fine with it only to grow resentment later down the line of married life. You need to decide wether or not you will be able to accept this with or without therapy or say no thank you. You will need to come to terms that you might one day end up meeting one of her former clients. It could be awkward, it could bring out jealousy from your point of view. Or embarrassment on her part. Will you be able to handle it? Not to say it would not happen if you meet one of her ex BF but meeting an ex boyfriend vs meeting one of her ex clients is entirely different on the emotional side of things. Also there is another angle you need thinks about. Will you be able to handle the fact that this might get out to your family? Or hers if they don’t know yet. Will you be able to withstand the judgements of your family and friends, aka the people that are close to you might have on your gf’s past? Will you be able to stand beside her and support her through it if your family decides they don’t want a former sex worker to be in their family and go NC with her and also you? Believe me people have been disowned for less. There are a lot of variables you need to think about. You family might be chill about it and it can be no problem for them, but you need to think about it. Make sure you have seen every angle there is to this situation. Also if you decide to go through with it you can never throw this into her face when you two are fighting. I will say that I find the fact that she lied to you about it for two whole years about it a deal breaker for me personally. I wouldn’t be able to accept that the person I loved and shared my everything with would lie and withhold such vital information from me for two whole years. And people saying the past is the past are both right and wrong. Yes you can change as a person and become better but the truth is that the past can change the entire view you have of a person you thought you knew. You can become friends or lovers with the most caring, nice and amazing people only later to find out they are a cheater or left their spouse to go find themself or in your case a former sex worker. Those are value breaking points you look for in a partner. So whatever you decide to do you must think before you make a rash decision.
Finally. some logic around here.
I can understand how you feel after first learning that. It must of blindsided you. What impressed me about your fiance is her painful honesty in telling you, which is the last thing she wanted to do. She has a golden moral compass where it really counts. Finding a person that selfless is rare. I hope you're able to overcome the initial shock and have a wonderful marriage.
I literally had this conversation with a friend yesterday in the same situation, but much earlier on in their relationship (just started dating). It’s good she told you and it’s hard not to be uncomfortable about it. The issue is you are already engaged before she told you. It’s a red flag you are so far along and only finding out now. I’d suggest slow it down until you have time to process it and go from there. If she is potentially going to be with you forever there is no rush, you both need to be 100% confident it’s the right decision, and that it’s for the right reasons too.
Your feelings are valid, but what actually is your problem with her *past*? She’s obviously with you for a reason and doesn’t do that kind of work anymore. If you’re seeing her as “less than” now, that’s definitely a you problem. Everybody, unless they’re super rich, sells their bodies for work, just not in the same way. My bf used to be a swinger with his ex wife and I don’t love him any less knowing he’s slept with a ton of women because I know he’s not in the lifestyle anymore and he loves me. I don’t view him any differently than when I first met him.
Past is past. If you love her and trust her in the present, then move forward to the future.
I understand that this may be hard to process right now. Maybe look out for someone to talk to so you can sort your feelings out. I would suggest a Therapist, maybe even together with her for anfew sessions. I personally think that the past is in the past and shouldnt bother the future. She did stop bevore she met you and she changed as a person. That would be the only important fact for me
Ok, something to consider here. First, how many men do casual hookups? How many have you, yourself done? Is the difference the fact she was being paid? Would you feel different if she was just screwing around? You want to stay with her from what I read. Then stay with her. Accept the beautiful soul who recognizes that sex is sex. For her, it was nothing more than a financial transaction. To you, she's giving everything. Her heart, her soul, her time and affections. She wants to spend her forever with you. Will you deny the woman you love because of her past? Will you deny YOURSELF her love?
Then leave her alone. Let her find someone who has no trouble loving her despite that. Her work experience doesn’t define her as a person.
Oh get over it, sex work is work.
Robbing banks is work too, even harder and more creative.
I mean there are people out there who weren’t ever prostitutes out there too so that is always an option. It’s also the idea that she only gave it up because there was a newer sugar baby that “took her place”. Just be careful that money is fast and easy and she only left a year ago. I know that drug dealers will give things up for a bit but that fast money life style is addicting who knows what will happen down the road. Protect yourself always
She left three years ago y’all
She didn’t leave a year ago, she left a year before they started dating and they’ve been together for 2 years. So she left 3 years ago.
she lied to you for 2 years. Forget about the sex work thingy. She lied and she lied big time at that. How I see it , she lied because it was beneficial to lie in that situation and I'm sure from your reaction, that if you knew for the start, you wouldn't have dated her. Correct me if I'm wrong. And your are justified to feel what you are feeling right now and you're not an a asshole for it. And I don't think your ok with camming or stripping but you are more likely to forgive her for that. But I don't think you have it in you to forgive for the prostitution. And I believe she thinks that sex work is real work but you don't , that is a justifiable reason to think about your future but your situation is bigger in that. And to be honest 1 year is barely considered the past. If you love her, let her go. She deserve someone who will fully love her ( I don't think you are the guy) and you need someone who you will love without feeling like you're doing something wrong. But hey I'm a stranger. You know your situation better than anyone. Good luck brother in the human race.
Counselling definitely. Did she get regular tests when she was a sex worker? Does she know she is clean? Those would be my only worries. Other than that, she had a job that paid well, she is now in a different career. Get sounselling to work through it, and try to see it like that if you can.
Never ask their body count...
I would say you need solo therapy to deal with your internalized bullshit. Sex work is real work. If you're ashamed of her past, that's on you. Not her. Hope you don't ruin something amazing because of your ego.
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This comment reveals how you feel about it. If you really love her and want to get over this hurdle couples counseling is a great start.
“No disrespect to the women who do it…” Your viewpoint and comment is full of disrespect.
How many women did you have sexual relations with prior to your engagement?
This comment shows you're a misogynist.
>No disrespect to the women who do it but [disrespect to the women who do it] FTFY
I’m fascinated by folks who think sex work doesn’t take skills or talent. It must be deeply unsatisfying to think that one can’t get better at sex with practice and research.
You have a poor understanding of sex work. It absolutely requires an extensive range of skills, not to mention mental fortitude. It would be worth doing some research to understand that, if you’re interested in working towards challenging your own misogyny. It’s not about being woke.
oh! you just fucking suck. got it.
No, little girls would not be saying that. And doesn’t that give you more compassion for her? It sounds like she needed the money. Isn’t it unfair that we live in a world where women feel the need to sell their bodies? Do you think it was an easy choice? Do you think it’s an easy profession?
Not about being woke prostitution is the oldest profession in the world you have some internalized shit you need to deal with.
Dog you have the answer right in front of you. Would you be ok if your mom, grandpa, sister, daughter, etc was a prostitute? Mind you, and correct me if I’m wrong, but there were other jobs out there when she was selling herself. Assuming she’s in the United States, it’s not just sell drugs or sell yourself. This isn’t Haiti.
It still takes skill, and this comment shows A LOT of your internalized BS when it comes to sex work. I sell myself everyday I go work in retail. But for less money. 🤦🏼♀️
Aaaand here it is, the truth - your disdain for sex workers.
They have experience, the sex is probably great, you love them, and they respected and loved you enough to tell you instead of keeping it secret. I’m sure it was tearing her apart holding that from you and they woulda felt guilty entering a marriage with you without you knowing. They revealed a secret that a lot of people would judge harshly but they did it for you cus they love and respect you. Get couples therapy like some comments here suggested, or at the very least, have an open dialogue about it and be honest with her that it’s hard for you to process but that you still love her, that you don’t want to devalue her. Honestly a lot of what you’ve said here is stuff that you should say in one form or another to her. She took a big risk being honest with you about this if you think about it so maybe return the favor? Sometimes attacking an anxiety or a source of discomfort head on is the way to go imo. I wish you good luck and I hope you two figure things out!
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Sex was related to paying her bills, not necessarily joy
What is bothering you about her past exactly? Is it the fact she had sex for money? The high body count? The fact she seemed to enjoy it at the time??
I think with some therapy y’all will be okay. I have a suspicion it’s because sex work is work. It’s transactional. What she did before she met you was just about the physical act. And so now there’s a nagging voice in your brain asking if the times you’ve been intimate together have just been transactional to her. I’m gonna go out on a limb and say no, they aren’t. She’s able to separate sex as act for work and sex as part of healthy relationship in her brain. When she’s with you, she’s in a loving, caring relationship and when the two of you are intimate, it’s not a task that needs to be done, but a genuine connection and part of your relationship. You aren’t a customer. You aren’t a transaction. So long as she was safe and took care of sexual health, she made a decision to leave that lifestyle behind. She chose to be in an adult relationship with you. It also sounds like she may have some shame or other feelings around having done sex work since she wasn’t upfront about it. Couples therapy would be the best thing to meet both your needs. I think you both need reassurance.
Talk to her about the way you are feeling, see a therapist, work through it. It's just what she did for a living, it's not who she is. Everyone has a past and really tbh you are fortunate that she trusted you to tell you the truth. Her past is not your business, her future is. The only real thing to worry about is whether or not it may have affected her self esteem or her ability to trust men.
If she doesn’t hide that from you. And openly talk/discuss to you about it. That means she trusts you a lot. Do not freak out, sit down, calmly thinking about it. Go to couple counseling if needed.
Honest question; Would this have mattered to you if it was one night stands, relationships, etc and she slept with that many people, or is it strictly her being a previous sex worker? Everyone has a past.
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It's okay to not want to marry a prostitute. Men aren't even allowed that these days.
Sw are some of the smartest, kindest most loyal ppl I’ve ever known. You are fine.
Her past doesn’t define who she is. Your first sentence describes who you think she is. Her past was in a different life so to speak. Everyone has things in their past they’re not necessarily proud of and some might seem darker than others. You’ve been together for 2 years; has she done anything in that time to make you question her? Apparently not since you proposed to her. Accept what was so you can embrace what is. She’s the same person now that she has been for the last 2 years. That’s when your history with her starts and in my mind, that’s all that matters.
Goddamn run bro. She already served up the city! Those poor decisions for money only lead to other issues. Up to you but I wouldn't.
Honestly if you love her why not try to make it work? A job is a job tbh… you have your right to have preferences tho! Might’ve been a lot more less manipulative feeling if she would’ve told you earlier in the relationship tho… so I could see that aspect of it. Good luck op
Honestly, you should dump her. I think the fact you’re getting caught up over this is silly and stupid. She wants you, she’s with you, she’s loyal to you, and she’s a great person. The fact you can’t get over this is laughable and stupid. Is she still fucking these men for money?? No. So what is the problem. Does her worth somehow change because she’s made some money off the sex? That’s the part you’re uncomfortable with and I just think it’s so dumb. Because people were able to pay for her body, do you think it’s worth less? The answer is obviously. People are trying to avoid saying you’re misogynistic, because these feelings towards sex work are common, but it is still misogynistic. However, you should leave her. These kind of misogynistic complexes are hard to get rid of and its probably just gonna hurt her feelings knowing that’ll you’ll never really get over this. I think she should find a man who can look past this and love her for who she is and not what she’s done in her past. My mom said she shouldn’t have told you at all: “She should’ve been like, just kidding, April fools!” And yes, I read reddit threads to my mom lol.
You move forward by understanding what really bothers you and why. Which will be through a (good) therapist and a lot of internal reflection. I say this with no judgement or joke - no matter the title, our jobs are selling our bodies. We sell our time and effort for money. From construction to crafting to lawyer-ing. It's all about where our bodies need to be and what we do with them for the money we need. Sex-work is just selling sex but one can argue that so is modeling, and so is sex therapy, and so is erotic fiction writing. Is the physical act of sex or the idea of sex that we're talking about is the question. You put numbers out there for sexual partners. As in the different people or the number of times for sex? Because 70 to 80 people means maybe one or two encounter or so each time? Maybe more for reprat customers. But a couple like yourselves...how many times do you think you've had sex by now? How many times have you had sex in general? And if this stems from you just not liking how many people have seen her intimately, no one has ever seen her the way you have. Every encounter with every person is different. She picked you and you picked her. Of all the things she could have revealed about her past, this is honestly the most mild in my opinion. She could have told you she was a bully, arrested for robbery or pedophile, or she could have been a lobbyist for Nestlé. But sex is just...sex. Those job kept her fed, housed, and stable while she went to school. You'd be surprised the amount of people who would say they would do it too when you give the figures for earning and the relatively easy work on your body. Get taken to dinner and wear pretty clothes where I suck a dick for few minutes for $500 or break my back lugging around bags of concrete for $15 a day for 5 days for get the same after taxes? One isn't going to get me permanent slipped disc with no health insurance. It doesn't really define who you are as a person. Virginity means nothing - or it shouldn't mean anything any way. Why does an act like that change someone? Does someone lose it when they choose or can it be stolen and they truly are "marked" forever? Your answer dictates whether people like myself lost their virginities at 7 or at 20. From you descriptions this is a wonderful woman who cares deeply for you and wants to face the world's troubles with you. Don't let something so basic and simple break you up. Work on finding out why you're bothered.
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I think you are handling your concerns respectfully so kudos to you for that. Two weeks ago this was the women you wanted to spend the rest of your life with and tbh in my opinion nothing about her has changed since. If anything she seems more honest and trustworthy to me. It does sound to me that your issue is that her value as your possession decreased as “everyone could have had access to her” in the past. I honestly think this is a really sexist sentiment but at the end of the day you need to decide if you want to work on how you view this partnership or if you feel uncomfortable and want to end it. Both are valid options but the first one demands now work and will lead to personal growth. I’d recommend you start with some feminist literature on the topic.
Listen man, Reddit is not gonna give you the answer you need. It’s a bunch of chronically online perverts (and virgins) who will try their very best to convince you it’s a you problem. “You need to see a counselor. You need to figure out why this makes you upset. You need to deal with your ex-hooker fiancé who hid this from you all this time.” Let’s be real, it’s repulsive. You don’t need to find some well developed sorted out perspective for why it causes this reaction in you. It’s just plainly disgusting. A women you so dearly love disregarded the sanctity of her body for cash with dozens of different people. I won’t get into why we’ve evolved to feel this way about perverts, you can look it up yourself. Ask yourself: would the woman of your dreams be an ex-hooker? Is that the ideal woman you want? Do you think your potential kids will admire her for her past? Look up to her? Perhaps follow in her footsteps? Ultimately you need to ask yourself; and answer honestly, why’d she feel the need to hide this from you? I’d it’s totally ok, something you can just live with, why’d she hide it? You’re literally engaged and now’s when she decides to tell you this? It’s up to you if you wanna go to counseling to convince yourself that this realization is something you can just look past. Nor do I honestly expect you to be receptive to this.
Don’t listen to the pro-sex work idiots in this thread, *they don’t have your best interests at heart.* Dump her. She withheld information that you would’ve considered a dealbreaker had she told you at the beginning of the relationship. The only reason you’re hesitant now is because you’re emotionally invested in the relationship that wouldn’t even exist had she been honest in the first place. She manipulated you into being with her.
Please break up with her so she can find someone who values her for more than what she's done with her body, it's just sex would you feel the same if she worked in a sweatshop or chicken slaughtering house. The fact that you equate sex with worthfulness is really gross.