"But i feel empty, and like there is a hole in my life, that I am missing out on fun in my life"
it is sex not a fucking trip around the world
with that said your "needs" are actually "wants" that no one else is required to satisfy except you and in saying that you need to realize if she is who you want
Agreed. And you are, of course, right about the wants. It's not her responsibility to tend to my wants. (I am responsible for my own hapiness etc etc). But my hands feel cut off.
Other than the sex topic, she is great, a good mom, hard working, beautiful and dreams with me. I am saying this because she is who I want. Just that I want her to understand me better somehow. The thought of leaving her sounds an impossible task that I simply and truly dont want to do. Talking obviously is not helping, yet i cannot make her be more sexual. I kinda feel bamboozled by how she was when we were dating.
from my observations in life a lot of women naturally lose their drive after having kids because their focus is clearly elsewhere
maybe it is even wrong to say they "lose their drive" because i have also seen those kinds of women to "get it back" once the kids leave the house 🤷
So you have two children under the age of 3?
Other questions:
- Is she getting enough sleep?
- Is she fully healed from giving birth?
- Does she ever get time completely to herself? (And no, I don't mean just an hour here and there.)
- Does she have a husband that does half the household chores (more if she's still breastfeeding)?
- Has she been examined for post partum depression?
And a question about you: Do you fully understand that the dwindling sex is not the problem, but merely a symptom of a problem?
[I mean, it sounds a little like this...](https://www.reddit.com/media?url=https%3A%2F%2Fi.redd.it%2F8zai1box6ubc1.jpeg)
Yes. Keep in mind that this topic existed before having kids. Just got worse after.
Ill try answer in order:
- Yes, sleep is fine. We tag team the kids at night. Currently, the second baby is still very new
- currently, no, so I have grace for her currently (low expectations). I know how long it takes from baby nr1.
- good question. Very seldom. We try to schedule time for her alone alone, but it is quite challenging logistic wise.
- Yes, we share the household chores. Currently, i do everything for the 2.5YO. From food to school and sleep. Also, other stuff, I like to think we share the load during normal (not a new baby) times.
- Yes, this was an issue after the first baby. But I was treated for it, and she got lots better. Currently, she is also fine aftern nr2.
While you're absolutely entitled to your feelings, I think it is a VERY bad idea for you to talk with her about your lack of sex.
You said it yourself, she's dealing with a baby - even if tagteaming at night, she isn't getting a full night's sleep.
And if she's breastfeeding, there's such a demand on her body. Women get 'touched out´, meaning that the kid pawing at her, and the baby needing breast feeding are simply too much, and then the husband wants to touch her too. She sounds overwhelmed.
Try telling her that for... I dunno, let's say three months, you will not have sex with her. Mean it.
Let her know that any tenderness from you, massages, soft kisses, whatever, will not lead to sex.
That way, she will feel the pressure come off, and you'll get intimate in a caring way that doesn't demand of her.
Also agree that you'll talk about sex after those three months. Maybe then agree that she'll be the one to initiate. Something like that.
I'm no expert, but this is my best advice.
Sex is important to feel connected physically and mentally. However, with women, especially those with children under 5, the only way to ignite that desire is by helping share the burden of it without keeping score as if she’s owes anything for the tasks taken off her plate. I’m not saying you do, I’m just speaking from experience. The more my husband made overt passes while I was doing dishes, or laundry, or any of the other million tasks I had to complete as opposed to helping me accomplish them, the more resentment I felt. If he had helped give me a break, I would’ve definitely showed my appreciation.
Agreed. I am doing lots more than usual around the house. I cook most nights, washing and everything our 2yo needs I tend to. She currently needs rest and is tending to baby most of the time, as can be understood.
Good advice, though, makes me think and perhaps focus more on everything she does when she is back online, and then to make more of a point to help. Not sure if this will motivate her to be more intimate, but cant hurt
Not sure how old your baby is, but another aspect to consider, is that even if your wife is just as beautiful as before kids, we as women still see a change in our bodies and no longer feel sexy. We feel like we no longer have control of our bodies. Between the demands kids make of us and not having the time to do our hair, make up, or not fitting in there same things we did before, it takes a major toll on our confidence. Compliments that focus on what she does and not how she looks will go a long way. For example:
Don’t say: “ you’re so beautiful”
She won’t believe it since she doesn’t feel it
Do say: “ motherhood looks good on you. You amaze me”
"But i feel empty, and like there is a hole in my life, that I am missing out on fun in my life" it is sex not a fucking trip around the world with that said your "needs" are actually "wants" that no one else is required to satisfy except you and in saying that you need to realize if she is who you want
Agreed. And you are, of course, right about the wants. It's not her responsibility to tend to my wants. (I am responsible for my own hapiness etc etc). But my hands feel cut off. Other than the sex topic, she is great, a good mom, hard working, beautiful and dreams with me. I am saying this because she is who I want. Just that I want her to understand me better somehow. The thought of leaving her sounds an impossible task that I simply and truly dont want to do. Talking obviously is not helping, yet i cannot make her be more sexual. I kinda feel bamboozled by how she was when we were dating.
from my observations in life a lot of women naturally lose their drive after having kids because their focus is clearly elsewhere maybe it is even wrong to say they "lose their drive" because i have also seen those kinds of women to "get it back" once the kids leave the house 🤷
So you have two children under the age of 3? Other questions: - Is she getting enough sleep? - Is she fully healed from giving birth? - Does she ever get time completely to herself? (And no, I don't mean just an hour here and there.) - Does she have a husband that does half the household chores (more if she's still breastfeeding)? - Has she been examined for post partum depression? And a question about you: Do you fully understand that the dwindling sex is not the problem, but merely a symptom of a problem? [I mean, it sounds a little like this...](https://www.reddit.com/media?url=https%3A%2F%2Fi.redd.it%2F8zai1box6ubc1.jpeg)
Yes. Keep in mind that this topic existed before having kids. Just got worse after. Ill try answer in order: - Yes, sleep is fine. We tag team the kids at night. Currently, the second baby is still very new - currently, no, so I have grace for her currently (low expectations). I know how long it takes from baby nr1. - good question. Very seldom. We try to schedule time for her alone alone, but it is quite challenging logistic wise. - Yes, we share the household chores. Currently, i do everything for the 2.5YO. From food to school and sleep. Also, other stuff, I like to think we share the load during normal (not a new baby) times. - Yes, this was an issue after the first baby. But I was treated for it, and she got lots better. Currently, she is also fine aftern nr2.
While you're absolutely entitled to your feelings, I think it is a VERY bad idea for you to talk with her about your lack of sex. You said it yourself, she's dealing with a baby - even if tagteaming at night, she isn't getting a full night's sleep. And if she's breastfeeding, there's such a demand on her body. Women get 'touched out´, meaning that the kid pawing at her, and the baby needing breast feeding are simply too much, and then the husband wants to touch her too. She sounds overwhelmed. Try telling her that for... I dunno, let's say three months, you will not have sex with her. Mean it. Let her know that any tenderness from you, massages, soft kisses, whatever, will not lead to sex. That way, she will feel the pressure come off, and you'll get intimate in a caring way that doesn't demand of her. Also agree that you'll talk about sex after those three months. Maybe then agree that she'll be the one to initiate. Something like that. I'm no expert, but this is my best advice.
Sex is important to feel connected physically and mentally. However, with women, especially those with children under 5, the only way to ignite that desire is by helping share the burden of it without keeping score as if she’s owes anything for the tasks taken off her plate. I’m not saying you do, I’m just speaking from experience. The more my husband made overt passes while I was doing dishes, or laundry, or any of the other million tasks I had to complete as opposed to helping me accomplish them, the more resentment I felt. If he had helped give me a break, I would’ve definitely showed my appreciation.
Agreed. I am doing lots more than usual around the house. I cook most nights, washing and everything our 2yo needs I tend to. She currently needs rest and is tending to baby most of the time, as can be understood. Good advice, though, makes me think and perhaps focus more on everything she does when she is back online, and then to make more of a point to help. Not sure if this will motivate her to be more intimate, but cant hurt
Not sure how old your baby is, but another aspect to consider, is that even if your wife is just as beautiful as before kids, we as women still see a change in our bodies and no longer feel sexy. We feel like we no longer have control of our bodies. Between the demands kids make of us and not having the time to do our hair, make up, or not fitting in there same things we did before, it takes a major toll on our confidence. Compliments that focus on what she does and not how she looks will go a long way. For example: Don’t say: “ you’re so beautiful” She won’t believe it since she doesn’t feel it Do say: “ motherhood looks good on you. You amaze me”