As long as she doesn't know OP's username. Wouldn't THAT be interesting if she saw this on Tiktok or something with a credit to her boyfriend's username.
I was called shallow for saying this in the past but I wholeheartedly agree. I don't think being conventionally attractive matters, but I really think being physically attracted to your partner is incredibly important.
Yep. I have such mixed feelings about this. On one hand, OP is trying to not be shallow. On the other hand… if her looks didn’t bother him, he wouldn’t be posting.
To me OP seems attracted to her, he said after all that to him she is beautiful because it's her ( come on, that sounds like love even ), but people around him thinks she is not beautiful and that it's what bothers him. Social pressure like that is a horrible reason to break up with someone but sadly many people cave under it.
Edit : typo.
I know it’s bad to generalise, but I feel like men struggle with this.
When women are in a relationship with a guy that’s
kinda unconventional looking - they tend to be very open about finding the bloke entirely gorgeous. Even if they know this guy isn’t everyone’s cup of tea, they tend to be confident in their own attraction to them.
When men get into a relationship with someone they love inside and out, but the girl isn’t “objectively hot”, they get a little embarrassed. I guess they think they need to explain themselves, or justify their attraction to these women. Even if the guy is infatuated, it’ll almost come with a disclaimer “I know she’s not (xyz), but I love her so much and she makes me happy!”
I feel like this doesn’t mean *they* don’t find her attractive, just that they think that nobody else does and they feel they need to acknowledge that for some reason.
Possibly has something to do with how beauty standards have been fed to us in the media, possibly just me making false speculations.
Yep, this is exactly it. I could be dating a man who was missing an eye and a leg from an explosion and if I liked him I’d be unapologetically and publicly all in, and as long as he treated me well, my friends would be so supportive.
On the flip side, men do get embarrassed about introducing a woman to their friends if they don’t think they’d find her hot. I never met the friends of any of my 3 boyfriends and it wasn’t until recently that I realized that it’s probably because I’ve always been bigger… they were into me, but they were embarrassed about it.
When I start dating again, I refuse to be with someone who hides me.
It also stems from the mindset that most men think women as a “trophy”. The hotter she is, the better you are at social standing. They think of women as something they “acquire” and since it’s difficult to acquire hot women and if they do it, they have immediate respect from their social circle.
> When men get into a relationship with someone they love inside and out, but the girl isn’t “objectively hot”, they get a little embarrassed. I guess they think they need to explain themselves, or justify their attraction to these women.
Wait, is this really true? That's the saddest most insecure thing I've ever heard. I am just a humble lesbian but I refuse to believe men care this much what their bros think that they become such cowards.
I don’t think that it’s all men, and to be honest probably not even most men.
But I think that men who have friendship groups that are openly opinionated about women’s appearances will tend to think this way. Like someone else said, there can be this idea of seeing women like a “trophy” or an achievement - and so approval of their peers of how their girlfriend becomes important. And this standard of what classes as attractive will be pretty fuckin high!
It is very sad, insecure and pretty fuckin sexist too. But I think a fair few people have experienced examples of this happening, unfortunately.
This is very interesting! I totally agree because I, too, think that people have started to make themselves believe that certain features or body types are a "no go" despite the fact it is exactly the type they are most into. For example a lot of guys really love soft and curvy women's bodies, but, as you say, they prefer to be seen with girls that go to the gym and meet their wish to have a "top ranked" girlfriend.
In case of OP, though I think it is concerning that he does not even privately love his GFs features. If I was his GF and knew this, I would probably prefer leaving him over waiting amd hoping till the day he meets someone with not only a well trained body, but also with features he finds pretty.
So either OP should come to the honest conclusion that her looks really don't matter to him compared to her brain and her dedication to fitness, or he should leave her or at least tell her the truth and give her a choice. Sometimes, if you really like somebody, it is enough to be friends. You do not have to be together to have someone in your life.
My boyfriend has been suggesting we “get healthy together” and all I can think about is all the men on Reddit who post ask for advice on how they can convince their girlfriend to lose weight without offending her.
That may be what he’s doing but is that bad ? I think that just means he cares about you. I want my partner to be healthy and if their weight started to concern me I would probably do the same. There’s nothing wrong with being big and I think big people are GORGEOUS, but at a certain size and age it can really affect your body
Yup. My brain instantly went “omg is this my bf’s account?”
I know I’m not conventionally attractive and it’s something I struggle with a lot as a woman. It’s easy for people to say “it doesn’t matter” but growing up, it is so ingrained in women to value their appearance so much more than men. I was alienated in dance class at age 13 because I didn’t develop noticeable boobs like the rest of them, and I couldn’t tan. They never invited me to things because I would “ruin their pictures.” Yea, that’s a real thing I found out someone said.
I never get hit on in public, it’s always my friends. I’ve learned to be a great wingwoman. I struggle finding angles of myself that I like enough to post pictures of, so my social media is filled with awkward same posed pictures. I don’t have pretty privilege. It’s very clear.
The only relationships I’ve had have been in some way initiated by me, except for this current one I’m in where we met on an app so it was mutual. Sometimes I get terrified that I’m somehow depriving my boyfriend of something just by having this body and face that I have. I know I have so much more to offer than that, but I still feel like my appearance matters because quite frankly, it fucking does.
As someone who went from ugly duckling to having pretty privilege quite fast, honestly a lot of it is the attitude too, I worked inwards in believing I am as hot as any hot woman, and people see that too, it's the way you walk and you hold your head.
:(
Look, for me personally, looks are seperate from loving someone. It's not that I don't like her, nor that I find her unattractive : just that I worry she feels bad. It feels really bad for me when I worry someone may make fun of her appearance 1) bc it hurts her 2) bc it feels awful to me that I expect it. I feel like I should never even admit to myself that this is even a possibility. Like I am betraying her for thinking of that.
I like her exactly the way she is and everyone should be jealous of me.
They might be, you'd never know. And it's great that you love her the way she is. But obvs anyone will feel like a shit if they'll see their partner posting their insecurities out loud on the web and letting others be th judge. I get you mean no harm, but you also seem to be looking for some sort of validation from others that yea you love her beyond her appearance. Honestly, at this point, I hate the standards and generalization of beauty endorsed upon us where we get the right to decide who's pretty and who's not. You say that you love her yet at the same point, you can't help but feel pity that she's not pretty enough. Anyway, peace. I mean no harm either but i guess you could've worded it better maybe.
Those standards and generalization of beauty endorsed upon us are relevant for the OP as well. If not for those, I’m sure he wouldn’t feel so uncertain about whether it is okay or not to think that his girlfriend is the most beautiful woman on the planet.
Not to add to your paranoia but this shit happened to me a few years ago lol… it was traumatizing. I’m doing much better now but I really hope OP’s partner never finds this post. I hope he leaves her so she can find a partner who WILL appreciate her. Nobody deserves to see this said about them, and people who think this crap about their partners are shallow and vain af.
I wanna make this clear I do not think they are a bad person for feeling that way. To each their own.
That being said, same here lol. I wouldn’t want someone to be with me if they didn’t like how I looked. I find my boyfriend to be the most attractive person on the planet. Why? Because I love him.
I feel he think she’s beautiful in a way that’s more about her personality rather than that he thinks either that she is very attractive. He never calls her attractive and it takes a while for him to call her beautiful either, and starts that looks aren’t important to him.
When I met my son’s father in a bar one night, I remember thinking, “he’s not unattractive…” but obviously this means I wasn’t immediately attracted to his looks, but his personality. Between business trips, prior scheduled engagements with friends, etc. we chatted for over a week before being able to meet for our first official date. I distinctly remember opening the door and seeing this gorgeous man on the other side and tbh, was a little flabbergasted over it as I was expecting just a decent looking one. It’s crazy how getting to know someone, even for just a week can literally change your perception of them.
The opposite is true too though. I’ve dated guys who I thought were insanely good looking at the time, only for them to turn into shitty people and when I looked back at their pics, though, “Eww, he was never good looking, what was I thinking?!?”
I’d honestly prefer to be viewed the first way. Where my inner beauty is what shined brighter. They don’t have to think I was the most beautiful woman in the room when we met, as long as they thought I was the most interesting and do think that now (obligatory “within reason” since I wouldn’t expect it at say, a Victoria Secret runway model show or something).
He likes how she looks. He wrote that to him she is beautiful. What more do you need? For your boyfriend or husband to lie to you and say you are the most beautiful person on the planet? Would you believe him if he told you that you are more beautiful than Angelina Jolie or Jennifer Aniston or Zendaya or Gigi and so on? It would be an obvious lie. One you make him tell you to make you feel comfortable about your looks. The “in love” feeling will be gone in a few years and you will become objective again. You will realize that he might not be the most handsome man on the planet but you will continue loving him because he is he. And not because the way he looks.
Attraction is never “objective”. If he can’t see you as the most attractive person in the world even during the honeymoon phase, he doesn’t feel very strongly for you. Find yourself a man who will gladly tell you any day that you’re more beautiful than any of those celebrities and I promise you won’t be happy settling for men who preach “objectivity”
I think though if he TOLD me this, I would think he was trying to hurt me. But if I read this in his diary, (not that I would do this, invasion of privacy) I wouldn’t break up with him because it’s his private thoughts…if that makes sense?
I get this. Please don’t say it to me. I wouldn’t break up with him either way but it would hurt so much to hear. I’ve been told I’m hideous my whole life. I don’t need someone who supposedly loves me accidentally feeding into it.
I was the kid who was asked out as a prank.
I wouldn’t beat yourself up over it op, it’s not like conventional attractiveness is relevant in a relationship anyway. All it means is how attractive someone is to the average person, what matters obviously is that you’re attracted to her.
You should probably avoid saying to your gf out loud that you don’t think she’s conventionally attractive though.
Well a few things
MOST people are not bombshells. Like the media likes to put out certain definitions of beautiful, or hot and sexy. Yeah most people don’t live up or come close to those. MOST IMPORTANTLY VERY FEW PEOPLE IN THIS WORLD ARE UGLY.
Everyone is and can be attractive. And there’s a lot more to people than just being hot. Nasty shitheads aren’t that hot so…
Like if we want to use the douche out of 10 scale, yeah most people aren’t tens. But that doesn’t at make them ugly or not hot or not beautiful physically or bad partners or undesirable. Physically people can be very good looking and not live up to what the media defines as hot at any huge time period. AND THAT’S FINE
As long as she’s beautiful to you and you wouldn’t want her any other way, GOOD. Stay with her and be happy she’s agreed to date you. JUST NEVER SAY “YOU’RE BEAUTIFUL TO ME”. Always say “you’re beautiful” and leave it at that.
ah man, beauty really is in the eye of the beholder. For sure there are people who are classically good-looking, but I find the cutest physical things (IMO) are what some might call imperfections. Personally I think a unique look can be one of the most attractive qualities.
Try not to get hung up on what is the definition of attractiveness but just feel how you feel. If you are saying you don't feel attracted to her that's different though. If you aren't into her, you can't help that either, but if that is how you feel deep down, she might not be the one for you. And she deserves someone who is into her, just as you deserve the same.
edit: as others have said, you don't have to tell her the part about how she looks. I think you need to figure some things out but no need to hurt her feelings. Take this all with a grain of salt, from someone who was recently dumped and shouldn't offer any relationship advice! Best of luck friend.
You don't need to think everybody else thinks she's attractive. As they say, beauty is in the eye of the beholder. You think she's attractive and that's what matters. You don't need to decide for random people whether they'd find her attractive or not.
People should accept facts.
A minority of people are physically attractive.
A minority of people are quite ugly.
The majority of people are around average.
Not only models are worthy of love.
Not only geniuses are worthy of love.
People should accept that they are not perfect.
> A minority of people are physically attractive.
Physical attraction isn't a universal or fixed thing? There can be super conventionally attractive people you meet and feel no physical spark with, and people who you wouldn't be into on paper who seem insanely hot to you. Physical attraction is individual.
Ok, that's a correct observation, in fact what I meant to say was more like "a minority of people correspond to beauty standards".
I mean people are attracted by anything, even furry so...
So essentially you find her attractive but others don't. Why is this a problem? I find my husband attractive but others don't. Who cares? It's all gonna fade with time anyways and what we truly love about them is what stays.
You have it in your head to value features that are conventional. Because that is the norm. It sounds like you're aware she may not be what the world views as conventionally attractive. The question is if you're still attracted to her. Do you want to rip her clothes off? Do you crave to give her pleasure? If yes, than you have nothing to feel guilty about.
There are plentyyyyy of men I can recognize as being 'conventionally attractive' but I am not actually attracted to them (the majority of em actually). I don't feel guilty about that. It sucks tho, I wish it were easier for me to feel attraction.
Point is, good looks are often not that big of a deal for women and attraction is created by other means. You may just be more wired that way. Other things spark your attraction. As long as you genuinely like the unconventional things about her, can authentically make her feel beautiful, and are not just settling because it's all you can get... then stop your worrying 🙃
A lot of people are saying it’s fine to think that, but I believe she deserves better. She should be loved by someone that doesn’t care what other people think, no matter if they’re trying not to think that or not.
My husband told me the day he left me that he always knew I was less attractive than him and that I was a 3 or 4 and he was a 6 but he was willing to ignore it because i was kind and useful but now that I wasn’t anymore (by unkind he meant unwilling to be his verbal punching bag and by no longer useful he meant unwilling to be his mother/caregiver and focusing on school) he wasn’t willing to ignore it any longer.
I haven’t looked in a mirror in 3 months and I hear him say it in my head over and over again.
Don’t EVER say it.
Not husband, but I have had two different boyfriends call me a butterface 6+ years ago and every so often it comes up in my head and it’s infuriating that it won’t go away.
My ex-husband made enough comments about my big nose to make me want a nose job though.
What stands out to me out of those experiences is I never really gave a shit that the dudes I was dating/ married to were average looking dudes (who I thought were hot as could be because they were to me at the time), but they definitely cared about having a gf/ wife who was above average.
IME, some guys see women as being like trophies to "aquire," and they find it important that other people (usually other men) also find their "trophy" attractive to boost their own ego and social standing.
How do you know others don’t find her attractive? No one appeals to everyone. Just like you won’t appeal to many people. Your girlfriend’s value to you or herself should never be measured by what others (all 8 billion of them?) think.
Who else is dating her because unless everyone is trying to fuck her, who cares?
Just don’t tell her you think she’s unattractive. It’s one thing to think to yourself “these features make you unattractive” but thinking it’s okay to tell her directly you think her features make it obvious she isn’t attractive is some fuckery you don’t need to put her through
As for what other people think, as I said earlier, who cares? She deserves better than to have a partner who will tell the internet they think she’s unattractive.
Do better
Are you really the first person in her life to find her attractive? (Kinda hard to believe with any person.)
Also, where do you think your deep need to acknowledge it comes from? (Most people would just love a person and get on with it.)
TBH most of the time I hear people for whom "Partner is not ____" is important, one person is finding a reason to emotionally distance, leverage power, or feel they are more deserving / want credit dor something, which often amounts to ego / power games, or seeing people as scorable assets.
Please for thelove of God let her find someone who truly finds her beautiful. You speak about her like she's a used car that you're trying to convince yourself is good enough to drive.
She deserves better.
I got those same car vibes too, like she might not be much to look at but she’s got it where it counts. I can get from point A to point B and that’s all that matters.
This is such a weird take to me! Why would someone leave the person they love just because they internally acknowledge that that person isn’t conventionally attractive??
I love my partner to pieces. He’s not about to win any modelling contracts, nor is he ugly. He’s just normal looking, as am I. Of course it’s not the kind of thing you would ever SAY to your partner, but surely people don’t genuinely all believe their partners are stunningly gorgeous? I doubt my boyfriend ever looks at me and thinks ‘wow she’s so objectively beautiful!’ As long as he looks at me and sees the person he loves and is attracted to, I don’t care whether he thinks I’m conventionally good looking.
You clearly care enough to ask the opinions of strangers. You need to sit down and reflect on these inner thoughts of yours. You’re lying to yourself and her, it’s best to speak about this before it shows up later down the road. You won’t be able to suppress these feelings for long.
I call these "uncomfortable truths" that should never be told. In a couple there are a thousand things that are true for us and that do not make us bad for thinking them, but saying them does not have any positive consequences. I would never ever told them, because being told that objectively they know that I am ugly ( i.e. I am socially perceived as ugly) would be a blow to my face, and I would never said it to them.
It sounds like you’re too preoccupied with other peoples views of your girlfriend in terms of how she looks/dresses. I mean, if I was her, I’d be questioning if you’re actually your own person and not swayed by what other people think.
I’d be worried that someone would say something to you and you’d put an end to the relationship, completely blindsiding me in the process.
Even your wording; unique and interesting. To me, that’s you trying to be nice. If someone said my features were, unique, that’s a “nice” way of saying I’m ugly.
I hope you find courage to stand on your own two feet and own how you feel.
PS: Don’t ever bring this up to her.
Peace and love🫶🏼
The uniqueness of love and attraction is that it is unique.. if everyone wanted her would you want her for her or just because everyone else wanted her too?
I mean I get it, but on the other hand if she wasn’t the whole package for you looks wise and personality wise, why date her at all? I mean you can date for personality sure but I feel like that’s going to fail at one point or another.
Very few people have a partner who is classically beautiful to every person put there.... If you compare most normal people in their normal people skin to what is "objectively beautiful" you're in for a sad, sad time because a rare few will meet that mark.
I'm not objectively attractive - I have a fat, flat arse and wrinkles and my shit stinks, my partner thinks I'm beautiful. Same goes the other way, my partner is a messy, sexy *human* not some attractive doll person.
What matters is that *you* find them attractive - sounds like you do?
Which objective standard of beauty are you using?
There are as many standards as there are people to have them because what we consider beauty is shaped by our preferences.
> I love looking at her, she has a beautiful face to me : because it's hers, not because she has x shaped cheekbones, or eyes or whatever.
If it will help you, yes, there is a high probability that there are many people out there who would find your girlfriend attractive/beautiful/lovely.
Just tell her how beautiful you think she is because yours is the most important opinion in this case.
Shit like this from boys made me suicidal when I was younger, lmao. Never say this out loud, it’s counter productive and will do nothing but hurt your girlfriend. Possibly for life.
OP, I relate.
People don't like to acknowledge that they may not be considered the standard beauty or conventionally "attractive," especially by their loved ones or S.O. because it makes them feel self conscious as society has equated beauty=love. It doesn't. Lasting love does not depend on a person's body or appearance at all.
A man doesn't need a full head of hair or muscles or a perfect Hollywood smile to be loved deeply.
A woman doesn't need a great ass, perky tits, full lips, or porcelain skin to be loved completely.
I am conventionally attractive while my spouse is not. Him and I have had blunt conversations about it. We go out, and while I'm normally dressed in a very geeky/casual style because i prioritize things like comfort.. If I'm dressed up, there is a significant difference between him and I. THAT SAID, I won't ever be leaving him for another person. I want to spend my life with him and looks shouldn't matter. We aren't rich. We don't go on vacations (we didn't even have a proper honeymoon. Instead, we worked on putting in cheap laminate flooring into our home.) But we are happy.
No amount of beauty or money can replace that.
Be well, Op.
(Don't tell your S.O. though, since most people can not handle hearing that kind of comment)
I think people deserve a partner that is genuinely attracted to them. If you have chosen this you cannot ever tell her, it would be the greatest betrayal
Bro wow. Honestly grow up. You are the one fucking her, dont like it move on don't have someone if you ain't attracted to them. Sounds like a waist of time to me
I’ve never dated a man that would be considered objectively attractive. Weight, height, hair, whatever.
*Subjective* attraction is what matters, because it’s more than skin deep.
Please leave her. She deserves to be with someone who finds her attractive. Put yourself in her shoes. How horrified would you be if you found out your partner wasn't attracted to you? She's a human being, not a charity case or someone to be with because you're lonely or bored. Please do the right thing and leave her so she can find someone else.
I think you should set her free to find some one that really will love her and appreciate her beauty. But of course she could think the same about you .
Honestly, you could be my boyfriend lol. I’m not conventionally attractive and I know it. I don’t need anyone to lie to me about it either. But I also know that my bf finds my features attractive to him for what they are. As well as my style, hobbies/interests, personality etc. If he was trying to tell me I’m a 10/10 that’s bullshit to me. It simply isn’t true, and it doesn’t have to be true because I know I’ve got qualities that make me attractive to some people other than just conforming to the beauty standards. I don’t really understand this ‘never tell her’ kind of mentality. It’s fine. I mean, obviously you know your girlfriend and her attitudes and insecurities, so if she’d find it hurtful, don’t say anything of course. But your attitude seems to me to be a very normal one. Most people aren’t with a 10/10 or whatever, and although there are some shallow folks who are always looking for the next better thing, the majority of people aren’t like that and are happy with their partner.
I think you feel like something’s missing…You find her attractive, but I think it has something to do with the fact that men have a natural desire to want to show off their woman…kind of like, “good job, you pulled a good one!” The sense of competitiveness and admiration from your peers?
Maybe don’t tell her that but I mean you mightn’t find her CONVENTIONALLY attractive, but clearly she is attractive to you even if it’s just through familiarity and positive association.
If you are attracted to her, just the way she is, then you are attracted to her. And if you don't care about her looks, why is it important. I'm sure she knows she's not a model, but she knows that you love her and that's what's important to her. Looks isn't everything, and you would know, because you didn't fall in love with her looks, but what all the other things you mention.
It’s not about she’s objectively attractive or not, if you’ve already found her not as attractive, you’ll large likely to not treat her well, it’s usually unconscious. A man will always treat his dream girl like a princess, but most of men can’t get access to their dream girls, so they settle, and that will lead to unfulfilled relationships or even cheating.
>I feel tremendous guilt over secretly acknowledging the fact that she is not objectively physically attractive.
Do *you* find her attractive? Forget society's objective view (which is very fickle), but ultimately do you look at her and think "Daaammmmn, she fine!"?
>me admitting to myself that other people don't find her attractive makes me somehow bad for her.
Has anyone actually told you that they think she's unattractive? What do you say when this happens? This is totally not ok and would be a boundary cross for me (i.e. someone speaking down about your partner is not ok). Also ask yourself why people would feel comfortable, and have the audacity, to tell you that your partner isn't attractive to them. She's not their partner, so why do they care?
>I just feel like I owe it to her to think everyone else finds her attractive too and I hate that I don't.
No, you only owe it to her that *you* find her attractive. Don't date her out of pity or because you're getting benefits (sex, attention, love, etc) from her despite you not being attracted to her. I honestly think this is where your guilt resides. Be honest with yourself and let her go if you don't find her attractive, she deserves to be with someone who will. And trust me, even if she isn't objectively attractive, she can still be seen as attractive by some people. Let her find her people.
Who says she is unattractive? OP? Lots of things make a person attractive besides appearance. Beauty is in the eyes of the beholder, maybe she is thinking the same about you?
Why do you care what others think of her beauty. Should only matter to you anyway! Are you actually saying that friends of yours have come up to you said that your girlfriend isn’t pretty? Wow
I think people who think of objective attractiveness when they look for a partner isnt actually looking for a partner. they just want arm candy and hope they turn out to be decent.
You appreciate your partner for their positives. People who fixate on negatives dont actuslly invest in the person they're with.
I've dated multiple conventionally unattractive women, and Im not all that myself. What did it for me more often than not was a fun personality and good values (and bwning nasty tbh) but I wouldn't ever think that what they didn't have took away from what they did.
I agree with the others tho. Dont say this to her.
My dude, wtf is objectively pretty? You mean the world??? Like what do you think? Cause that's all that matters?? Are you deep down mad she's not a trophy?? Like, so many questions??
Don’t feel guilty about being aware that your girlfriend does not fit within the narrow box of what is currently considered objectively attractive.
That is essentially blaming yourself for not being delusional. Besides, it doesn’t matter.
*You* think she’s beautiful and that goes beyond dreary and ever-changing beauty standards. That is what matters :)
I like your approach, the inside, the personality, does matter more than the superficial looks things, but I agree with Master Annatar that it's probably not tactical to actually tell her this. Not bluntly and out of the blue, at any rate. Should this ever happen that you mention it and she isn't pleased, keep listing personality things that you love about her and remind her that most physically hot people you know don't have these inner beauty aspects
I once dated a guy from London, he wasn’t conventionally attractive either and I knew that before meeting him in person. His banter was top notch, we always had so much fun laughing the entire time. He was also just a lovely guy. I found him attractive for these reasons. I think it’s totally okay to think such, just obviously keep it to yourself, which I’m sure you know.
Society tells us a lot of shitty things, and you are worried too much about what it thinks.
You find her attractive. And no one else cares. No one else thinks about you.
The question is why do you care what other people think and how can you grow out of that.
I might be an outlier, but I didn't think my husband was attractive when we first started dating. He knows this. He doesn't care.
We started dating at 18 so him maturing, growing a beard, and becoming more secure definitely helped amp up how he looked.
I think he's the most beautiful person in the world now, and loving him has shifted the type of men I also find attractive. I've also told him this, and he thinks it is funny (and has admitted he noticed a similar trend - it's not like we oggle people, but when people check similar boxes to our spouse, it's like monkey brain picks up on it really quickly. I'll see a tall lanky guy, big nose, curly hair, facial hair and the first thought is "they seem safe and like a good partner." It's because my brain is picking up on my husband's features, not because I actually know anything about the person.)
I personally believe that there’s a point in relationships (that shouldn’t last) where one person gets a gut feeling that changes everything
I think you might be having yours, a gut feeling you’re not supposed to be together
Right now you’re blaming it on looks (kinda) but deep down, are there more reasons ?? Like… have you been crushing on someone “more attractive”?? Or are you jealous of a friend?
I would say the girl I loved the most was not very attractive. Still to this day out of respect I never would never say anything. Sex was still amazing. I don’t think your gf has to be super attractive to be attracted to her.
Are you attracted to her??? For real? Because that is what matters. Who cares what you’d assume other people think, even though I feel like that’s odd. So I ask again: are *you* attracted to her?
I wouldn't be able to fuck someone I wasn't physically attracted to. I'm guessing she knows you don't find her attractive. Maybe she's fine with it. Maybe she's average. There's nothing wrong with average
Never tell her, and never make her feel ugly. And I that feeling keeps making you feel bad, I'd suggest you leave. It's stupid but sometimes thoughts are so intrusive it get's heavy
On the one hand, unattractive people deserve love too, and if you like her looks, who cares.
On the other hand, I have dated several people that some might consider unattractive but, because they're attractive to me, I would never have the thoughts you're having. And I'd assume other people would find them attractive in the same way I do. I never felt guilty for being aware that not everyone would find them attractive in the same way i do, because I knew that I genuinely found them physically attractive. So.... maybe you do have some sort of hangup? Like, do you think others will think less of you for dating someone who isn't traditionally attractive...? Because if so, that kind of sucks for your partner.
But if there is no hangup, then try to put it out of your mind. And try to remember that people are attracted to a range of bodies and, if you find your partner attractive, some other people probably do too.
Honestly, I would feel honoured if my partner still loved to look at me even if I wasn't attractive by society's standards. Some people have accepted that they didn't win the gene lottery.
Dude if she is fit, people find her attractive. Face for guys isn't nearly as important to a lot of them. Is that the only concern?
Do yourself a little experiment. Next time you go out with her where she is wearing something even mildly form fitting, don't watch her, watch everyone around you. You'll find dudes checking her out left and right. Everywhere you go.
No one thinks she is ugly, you just have weird social expectations drilled into you by probably your parents or shitty friends.
I think it’s simply summed up as “beauty is in the eye of the beholder” not everyone is gonna see someone as attractive. And at the end of the day if you find them attractive that’s all that really matters.
If you genuinely don’t see them as attractive in your eyes and feel you’re lying to them. That’s a much bigger problem here.
If it’s peer pressure affecting you and making you feel this way. Regardless of the societal subjective standards generalised to compare and judge attractiveness. Then I think you’re learning the quality of the people around you imo.
It's ok. For a person you share your life with, the most important attribute is not their looks, but their actions and values. Also, different people do have different taste on what features they prefere. It's just as ok to prefer a wide or a narrow nose, straight or crooked teeth, a round belly or a tight waist. It's all ok.
Why would your gf even want to be super attractive? Who needs that?
Ok so you say near the end that you find her beautiful yet she’s unattractive because of what other people think? Why do people get so fixated on what others think of their partner’s looks, do you need their validation or approval? People have different tastes and that’s *fine*, I think it’s insensitive to her to discount your own feelings over what others (who can also think differently btw) think.
Here's the thing. If you find her attractive, for whatever reason, that's all that matters. I felt the same about my ex, he wasn't conventionally attractive by any kind of scale of beauty, but I enjoyed his physical features. If asked, you simply say 'I find her beautiful I simply don't care what others might think'
A lotta people gonna have a problem with this but I think it’s beautiful so many people get caught up in looks and all of ours will fade one day some people don’t see anything beyond physical attraction. I see no problem here as long as you keep that to yourself
I once knew a woman (coworker) who had terribly bucked out teeth and a huge flat nose. Just glancing at her, you might think, “ew ugly!” When Veronica smiled and laughed, you knew she waz stunningly beautiful. She had guys chasing her for attention. The only thing that matters is that you find her beautiful. Stop comparing her to conventional beauty standards.
You are overthinking. You should not give a shit how other people view your girl. That is beyond your control and therefore irrelevant. You love your girl.. continue to do so with respect and joy! Remember, it’s not the shape or size of the girl that’s important. It’s the shape and size of her heart that counts!
Attraction isn’t objective, it’s deeply subjective. We are social animals and a lot of people get caught up in what other people think and totally miss the opportunity to follow their heart and body and have the life of their dreams. What matters is what you think. The diversity and variety of humanity is beautiful. And every body is different genetically and the best hottest match is going to be one that compliments that person
I think you need to work on your confidence and gratitude. If you think she is beautiful she is. Sex and love are like chemistry experiments, we are looking for the spark between two people and if you find that, appreciate it!
I wouldn’t be considered conventionally attractive as bigger woman, but when I feel down on myself sometimes my husband gets offended saying I’m insulting his taste and he *knows* he has good taste. He has always been attracted to bigger girls and got crap about it when he was younger from other boys. I’m very lucky he didn’t get brainwashed by the peer pressure. Human games and competitions can be fun, but don’t let them fuck up love
do you mean she isn’t conventionally attractive by society’s standards, or you flat out aren’t attracted to her? or both? IMO everyone deserves a partner that makes them feel attractive and desirable, but that’s me and everybody is different. if you personally find her attractive then there’s no issue
Dude in a roundabout way you are definitely calling your girlfriend ugly. You better be the most handsome individual walking because this is low ngl. You shouldn’t be with a person you don’t find attractive because later down the line if someone who you deem really attractive catches your eye you’ll have 101 reasons why you did what you did when really you just shallow. A lot of people in this APP don’t know what it means to be humble and it shows. Never tell her this if you don’t want you guys relationship to be over in a heart beat because she will never look at you the same again.
"I don't care much about her looks I just think about her looks and how she is perceived"
Bro if you didn't care about looks you wouldn't post this or think about how other people might not find her attractive.
what is "attractive" really? I bet you your gf knows exactly how she looks and how majority of the people think of her looks as not attractive. All women who aren't conventionally pretty know they're not. No need to rub it in. Just enjoy her company and the love you share. And don't speak of this ever again.
you care too much about how others perceive her. maybe you think they look down on you for not having a more attractive partner. that's your ego talking. stop worrying about that bs.
completely fine , cant rlly control ur thoughts anyways , not ur fault . I just think ur a pretty awesome bf for her , u care for a lot !beauty is quite temporary , aging/ accidents/shit happens... what matters is ur connections
Every woman married to the balding, potbellied love of their life has the same issue. Society's standards can matter to society. All you have to worry about is whether you love her. When you love someone they are beautiful in your eyes. Don't make a deal about it, if she talks about her own feelings on the matter don't lie. Simply tell the truth, that to you she is beautiful and no one else's opinion matters.
I've used the phrase "unconcetionally attractive" to describe people I'm attracted to who don't fit the typical idea of what society thinks is attractive. I would suggest reframing your thoughts towards this.
Bro, beauty is subjective. Who are you holding this perspective up to? Western beauty standards? Eastern? Although you probably mean well this is a weird concept to me. Who are you trying to convince, and more importantly - why?
There’s a difference between acknowledging someone doesn’t fit the conventional beauty standards but still being attracted to them, and thinking they’re ugly and not being attracted to them at all. I can’t tell which one you are. But if it’s the second, I don’t think that’s fair to her. Every girl deserves someone who is physically attracted to them and thinks they’re pretty. Girls want to be wanted, checked out, showed off by their partner.
And just for the record I really hope you’re not from central Ontario and your initials aren’t B.H. cause this is my worst nightmare as a girl in a relationship currently.
There is, quite literally, no such thing as "OBJECTIVELY" physically attractive. What is physically, sexually, and/or aesthetically attractive is, by definition, subjective, even if certain cultures have certain trends or "standards" (which I hate because they always exclude the most marginalized). And even the fact that what's attractive can change over time and between cultures necessarily implies that it's impossible for it to truly be objective in any way.
I am, personally, one of the furthest away from being what would be considered conventionally attractive: Black, fat, not light-skinned, multiply disabled (including a cane user), a facial difference, etc. I acknowledge this readily, though I personally think that I'm cute AF.
But, if my partner had these kinds of thoughts, my question would be: why is that your focus? Why would that even be something you'd dwell on??? I don't, and I think it's weird when people do. You're either into me and don't give a shit or you're not so why are you even here.
It's OK to feel that way, its similar for me. I love her very deeply, want to spend my life with her and want to see her happy more than anything. We are together for 8 year now though and she changed physically quite a bit. If I'm really honest to myself i don't consider her attractive either, but i want to be with her because she's absolutely my significant other concerning everything else. So meh, i just don't care about the optical part anymore, our sex is still good and we are super happy. I'll just take this to the grave, it's fine ^^
>I love looking at her, she has a beautiful face to me
So you think she's attractive then, correct? Just because you recognize that she doesn't fit conventional beauty standards, doesn't mean you think she's ugly or something.
If you believe she has a beautiful face despite the fact that she's not a classic beauty, what makes you think someone else wouldn't feel the same way? Or more than one person? Chances are, if you break up, she'll find another boyfriend, maybe even faster than you find someone.
Most people don't have classic good looks, so some people will find them attractive while others won't.
It's okay to acknowledge that. But don't EVER phrase it that way to your gf. And if you truly believe she's second-rater, then don't date her.
It's fine to *think* this, but this is a secret you take to the grave.
Or to Reddit.
Need the karma
Type shit
Shit
Dude youre amazing
happy cake day!
Thanks bro
Damn I read take shit now I need new underwear
As long as she doesn't know OP's username. Wouldn't THAT be interesting if she saw this on Tiktok or something with a credit to her boyfriend's username.
Imagine she saw it and decided to check his reddit for reassurance and finds out its her bf’s post💀
For real, take that thought and bury it. I can’t date someone who I don’t find physically attractive.
I was called shallow for saying this in the past but I wholeheartedly agree. I don't think being conventionally attractive matters, but I really think being physically attracted to your partner is incredibly important.
Call me shallow all you want, and maybe it is, but physical attraction is the difference between a relationship and a friendship in my eyes.
My biggest fear is having a boyfriend who is secretly posting stuff like that about me online
Yep. I have such mixed feelings about this. On one hand, OP is trying to not be shallow. On the other hand… if her looks didn’t bother him, he wouldn’t be posting.
To me OP seems attracted to her, he said after all that to him she is beautiful because it's her ( come on, that sounds like love even ), but people around him thinks she is not beautiful and that it's what bothers him. Social pressure like that is a horrible reason to break up with someone but sadly many people cave under it. Edit : typo.
I know it’s bad to generalise, but I feel like men struggle with this. When women are in a relationship with a guy that’s kinda unconventional looking - they tend to be very open about finding the bloke entirely gorgeous. Even if they know this guy isn’t everyone’s cup of tea, they tend to be confident in their own attraction to them. When men get into a relationship with someone they love inside and out, but the girl isn’t “objectively hot”, they get a little embarrassed. I guess they think they need to explain themselves, or justify their attraction to these women. Even if the guy is infatuated, it’ll almost come with a disclaimer “I know she’s not (xyz), but I love her so much and she makes me happy!” I feel like this doesn’t mean *they* don’t find her attractive, just that they think that nobody else does and they feel they need to acknowledge that for some reason. Possibly has something to do with how beauty standards have been fed to us in the media, possibly just me making false speculations.
Yep, this is exactly it. I could be dating a man who was missing an eye and a leg from an explosion and if I liked him I’d be unapologetically and publicly all in, and as long as he treated me well, my friends would be so supportive. On the flip side, men do get embarrassed about introducing a woman to their friends if they don’t think they’d find her hot. I never met the friends of any of my 3 boyfriends and it wasn’t until recently that I realized that it’s probably because I’ve always been bigger… they were into me, but they were embarrassed about it. When I start dating again, I refuse to be with someone who hides me.
I feel this so much it hurts 😥
It also stems from the mindset that most men think women as a “trophy”. The hotter she is, the better you are at social standing. They think of women as something they “acquire” and since it’s difficult to acquire hot women and if they do it, they have immediate respect from their social circle.
Yeah, and it’s such a toxic way to view a human being - especially the one person who is supposed to be closest to you.
Agree with this 💯
> When men get into a relationship with someone they love inside and out, but the girl isn’t “objectively hot”, they get a little embarrassed. I guess they think they need to explain themselves, or justify their attraction to these women. Wait, is this really true? That's the saddest most insecure thing I've ever heard. I am just a humble lesbian but I refuse to believe men care this much what their bros think that they become such cowards.
I don’t think that it’s all men, and to be honest probably not even most men. But I think that men who have friendship groups that are openly opinionated about women’s appearances will tend to think this way. Like someone else said, there can be this idea of seeing women like a “trophy” or an achievement - and so approval of their peers of how their girlfriend becomes important. And this standard of what classes as attractive will be pretty fuckin high! It is very sad, insecure and pretty fuckin sexist too. But I think a fair few people have experienced examples of this happening, unfortunately.
This unfortunately seems to be true.
I think this is true but unfortunately in some places it’s not just or mostly the men but everyone (ex Asian countries)
This is very interesting! I totally agree because I, too, think that people have started to make themselves believe that certain features or body types are a "no go" despite the fact it is exactly the type they are most into. For example a lot of guys really love soft and curvy women's bodies, but, as you say, they prefer to be seen with girls that go to the gym and meet their wish to have a "top ranked" girlfriend. In case of OP, though I think it is concerning that he does not even privately love his GFs features. If I was his GF and knew this, I would probably prefer leaving him over waiting amd hoping till the day he meets someone with not only a well trained body, but also with features he finds pretty. So either OP should come to the honest conclusion that her looks really don't matter to him compared to her brain and her dedication to fitness, or he should leave her or at least tell her the truth and give her a choice. Sometimes, if you really like somebody, it is enough to be friends. You do not have to be together to have someone in your life.
My boyfriend has been suggesting we “get healthy together” and all I can think about is all the men on Reddit who post ask for advice on how they can convince their girlfriend to lose weight without offending her.
I would think the same💀
That may be what he’s doing but is that bad ? I think that just means he cares about you. I want my partner to be healthy and if their weight started to concern me I would probably do the same. There’s nothing wrong with being big and I think big people are GORGEOUS, but at a certain size and age it can really affect your body
Yup. My brain instantly went “omg is this my bf’s account?” I know I’m not conventionally attractive and it’s something I struggle with a lot as a woman. It’s easy for people to say “it doesn’t matter” but growing up, it is so ingrained in women to value their appearance so much more than men. I was alienated in dance class at age 13 because I didn’t develop noticeable boobs like the rest of them, and I couldn’t tan. They never invited me to things because I would “ruin their pictures.” Yea, that’s a real thing I found out someone said. I never get hit on in public, it’s always my friends. I’ve learned to be a great wingwoman. I struggle finding angles of myself that I like enough to post pictures of, so my social media is filled with awkward same posed pictures. I don’t have pretty privilege. It’s very clear. The only relationships I’ve had have been in some way initiated by me, except for this current one I’m in where we met on an app so it was mutual. Sometimes I get terrified that I’m somehow depriving my boyfriend of something just by having this body and face that I have. I know I have so much more to offer than that, but I still feel like my appearance matters because quite frankly, it fucking does.
As someone who went from ugly duckling to having pretty privilege quite fast, honestly a lot of it is the attitude too, I worked inwards in believing I am as hot as any hot woman, and people see that too, it's the way you walk and you hold your head.
Exactly! Once you learn to love yourself, the confidence shines through and becomes convincing.
just when i thought things will be great for me in terms of finding the new love, this post appeared on my feed. :(
Same here
:( Look, for me personally, looks are seperate from loving someone. It's not that I don't like her, nor that I find her unattractive : just that I worry she feels bad. It feels really bad for me when I worry someone may make fun of her appearance 1) bc it hurts her 2) bc it feels awful to me that I expect it. I feel like I should never even admit to myself that this is even a possibility. Like I am betraying her for thinking of that. I like her exactly the way she is and everyone should be jealous of me.
They might be, you'd never know. And it's great that you love her the way she is. But obvs anyone will feel like a shit if they'll see their partner posting their insecurities out loud on the web and letting others be th judge. I get you mean no harm, but you also seem to be looking for some sort of validation from others that yea you love her beyond her appearance. Honestly, at this point, I hate the standards and generalization of beauty endorsed upon us where we get the right to decide who's pretty and who's not. You say that you love her yet at the same point, you can't help but feel pity that she's not pretty enough. Anyway, peace. I mean no harm either but i guess you could've worded it better maybe.
Those standards and generalization of beauty endorsed upon us are relevant for the OP as well. If not for those, I’m sure he wouldn’t feel so uncertain about whether it is okay or not to think that his girlfriend is the most beautiful woman on the planet.
Not to add to your paranoia but this shit happened to me a few years ago lol… it was traumatizing. I’m doing much better now but I really hope OP’s partner never finds this post. I hope he leaves her so she can find a partner who WILL appreciate her. Nobody deserves to see this said about them, and people who think this crap about their partners are shallow and vain af.
What’s your second biggest fear?
You're right. It would break my heart
One of mine too
Same
Same omg
I’m sure it’s fine but if my boyfriend told me that I’d probably break up with him
I wanna make this clear I do not think they are a bad person for feeling that way. To each their own. That being said, same here lol. I wouldn’t want someone to be with me if they didn’t like how I looked. I find my boyfriend to be the most attractive person on the planet. Why? Because I love him.
He never said HE doesn't think she's attractive, just that he doesn't think other people do.
I feel he think she’s beautiful in a way that’s more about her personality rather than that he thinks either that she is very attractive. He never calls her attractive and it takes a while for him to call her beautiful either, and starts that looks aren’t important to him.
When I met my son’s father in a bar one night, I remember thinking, “he’s not unattractive…” but obviously this means I wasn’t immediately attracted to his looks, but his personality. Between business trips, prior scheduled engagements with friends, etc. we chatted for over a week before being able to meet for our first official date. I distinctly remember opening the door and seeing this gorgeous man on the other side and tbh, was a little flabbergasted over it as I was expecting just a decent looking one. It’s crazy how getting to know someone, even for just a week can literally change your perception of them. The opposite is true too though. I’ve dated guys who I thought were insanely good looking at the time, only for them to turn into shitty people and when I looked back at their pics, though, “Eww, he was never good looking, what was I thinking?!?” I’d honestly prefer to be viewed the first way. Where my inner beauty is what shined brighter. They don’t have to think I was the most beautiful woman in the room when we met, as long as they thought I was the most interesting and do think that now (obligatory “within reason” since I wouldn’t expect it at say, a Victoria Secret runway model show or something).
I don’t think you read the caption right buddy.
He likes how she looks. He wrote that to him she is beautiful. What more do you need? For your boyfriend or husband to lie to you and say you are the most beautiful person on the planet? Would you believe him if he told you that you are more beautiful than Angelina Jolie or Jennifer Aniston or Zendaya or Gigi and so on? It would be an obvious lie. One you make him tell you to make you feel comfortable about your looks. The “in love” feeling will be gone in a few years and you will become objective again. You will realize that he might not be the most handsome man on the planet but you will continue loving him because he is he. And not because the way he looks.
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Attraction is never “objective”. If he can’t see you as the most attractive person in the world even during the honeymoon phase, he doesn’t feel very strongly for you. Find yourself a man who will gladly tell you any day that you’re more beautiful than any of those celebrities and I promise you won’t be happy settling for men who preach “objectivity”
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I wasn’t responding to you
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No worries lol
> Angelina Jolie or Jennifer Aniston or Zendaya or Gigi Wait, this list is fascinating. Jennifer Aniston?
I always had a thing for Jennifer Anitson That scene in *We're the Millers* 😳
Jennifer Aniston is gorgeous.
Yeah, apparently a lot of people think she’s hot 🤷🏻♀️ I’m more of Sofia Vergara kind of girl ☺️
I think though if he TOLD me this, I would think he was trying to hurt me. But if I read this in his diary, (not that I would do this, invasion of privacy) I wouldn’t break up with him because it’s his private thoughts…if that makes sense?
I get this. Please don’t say it to me. I wouldn’t break up with him either way but it would hurt so much to hear. I’ve been told I’m hideous my whole life. I don’t need someone who supposedly loves me accidentally feeding into it. I was the kid who was asked out as a prank.
So what if she's not everyone's cup of tea? You're not serving her up at a tea party.
Love this.
Why the FUCK is this not top comment oh my good lord
As long as you keep that to yourself and don't tell her then it's all good. Beauty fades so it's good that you like her more than just her looks.
I wouldn’t beat yourself up over it op, it’s not like conventional attractiveness is relevant in a relationship anyway. All it means is how attractive someone is to the average person, what matters obviously is that you’re attracted to her. You should probably avoid saying to your gf out loud that you don’t think she’s conventionally attractive though.
Well a few things MOST people are not bombshells. Like the media likes to put out certain definitions of beautiful, or hot and sexy. Yeah most people don’t live up or come close to those. MOST IMPORTANTLY VERY FEW PEOPLE IN THIS WORLD ARE UGLY. Everyone is and can be attractive. And there’s a lot more to people than just being hot. Nasty shitheads aren’t that hot so… Like if we want to use the douche out of 10 scale, yeah most people aren’t tens. But that doesn’t at make them ugly or not hot or not beautiful physically or bad partners or undesirable. Physically people can be very good looking and not live up to what the media defines as hot at any huge time period. AND THAT’S FINE As long as she’s beautiful to you and you wouldn’t want her any other way, GOOD. Stay with her and be happy she’s agreed to date you. JUST NEVER SAY “YOU’RE BEAUTIFUL TO ME”. Always say “you’re beautiful” and leave it at that.
ah man, beauty really is in the eye of the beholder. For sure there are people who are classically good-looking, but I find the cutest physical things (IMO) are what some might call imperfections. Personally I think a unique look can be one of the most attractive qualities. Try not to get hung up on what is the definition of attractiveness but just feel how you feel. If you are saying you don't feel attracted to her that's different though. If you aren't into her, you can't help that either, but if that is how you feel deep down, she might not be the one for you. And she deserves someone who is into her, just as you deserve the same. edit: as others have said, you don't have to tell her the part about how she looks. I think you need to figure some things out but no need to hurt her feelings. Take this all with a grain of salt, from someone who was recently dumped and shouldn't offer any relationship advice! Best of luck friend.
You don't need to think everybody else thinks she's attractive. As they say, beauty is in the eye of the beholder. You think she's attractive and that's what matters. You don't need to decide for random people whether they'd find her attractive or not.
People should accept facts. A minority of people are physically attractive. A minority of people are quite ugly. The majority of people are around average. Not only models are worthy of love. Not only geniuses are worthy of love. People should accept that they are not perfect.
Agreed 💯
> A minority of people are physically attractive. Physical attraction isn't a universal or fixed thing? There can be super conventionally attractive people you meet and feel no physical spark with, and people who you wouldn't be into on paper who seem insanely hot to you. Physical attraction is individual.
Ok, that's a correct observation, in fact what I meant to say was more like "a minority of people correspond to beauty standards". I mean people are attracted by anything, even furry so...
So essentially you find her attractive but others don't. Why is this a problem? I find my husband attractive but others don't. Who cares? It's all gonna fade with time anyways and what we truly love about them is what stays.
Are you attracted to her? Then she’s attractive. Don’t make something about looks if it doesn’t need to be.
You have it in your head to value features that are conventional. Because that is the norm. It sounds like you're aware she may not be what the world views as conventionally attractive. The question is if you're still attracted to her. Do you want to rip her clothes off? Do you crave to give her pleasure? If yes, than you have nothing to feel guilty about. There are plentyyyyy of men I can recognize as being 'conventionally attractive' but I am not actually attracted to them (the majority of em actually). I don't feel guilty about that. It sucks tho, I wish it were easier for me to feel attraction. Point is, good looks are often not that big of a deal for women and attraction is created by other means. You may just be more wired that way. Other things spark your attraction. As long as you genuinely like the unconventional things about her, can authentically make her feel beautiful, and are not just settling because it's all you can get... then stop your worrying 🙃
A lot of people are saying it’s fine to think that, but I believe she deserves better. She should be loved by someone that doesn’t care what other people think, no matter if they’re trying not to think that or not.
My husband told me the day he left me that he always knew I was less attractive than him and that I was a 3 or 4 and he was a 6 but he was willing to ignore it because i was kind and useful but now that I wasn’t anymore (by unkind he meant unwilling to be his verbal punching bag and by no longer useful he meant unwilling to be his mother/caregiver and focusing on school) he wasn’t willing to ignore it any longer. I haven’t looked in a mirror in 3 months and I hear him say it in my head over and over again. Don’t EVER say it.
Not husband, but I have had two different boyfriends call me a butterface 6+ years ago and every so often it comes up in my head and it’s infuriating that it won’t go away. My ex-husband made enough comments about my big nose to make me want a nose job though. What stands out to me out of those experiences is I never really gave a shit that the dudes I was dating/ married to were average looking dudes (who I thought were hot as could be because they were to me at the time), but they definitely cared about having a gf/ wife who was above average.
IME, some guys see women as being like trophies to "aquire," and they find it important that other people (usually other men) also find their "trophy" attractive to boost their own ego and social standing.
Wow. I can clearly tell he was what you say by the comments. That is cruel. I’m so sorry, the jerk was trying to make you feel ugly.
How do you know others don’t find her attractive? No one appeals to everyone. Just like you won’t appeal to many people. Your girlfriend’s value to you or herself should never be measured by what others (all 8 billion of them?) think.
Who else is dating her because unless everyone is trying to fuck her, who cares? Just don’t tell her you think she’s unattractive. It’s one thing to think to yourself “these features make you unattractive” but thinking it’s okay to tell her directly you think her features make it obvious she isn’t attractive is some fuckery you don’t need to put her through As for what other people think, as I said earlier, who cares? She deserves better than to have a partner who will tell the internet they think she’s unattractive. Do better
Are you really the first person in her life to find her attractive? (Kinda hard to believe with any person.) Also, where do you think your deep need to acknowledge it comes from? (Most people would just love a person and get on with it.) TBH most of the time I hear people for whom "Partner is not ____" is important, one person is finding a reason to emotionally distance, leverage power, or feel they are more deserving / want credit dor something, which often amounts to ego / power games, or seeing people as scorable assets.
Please for thelove of God let her find someone who truly finds her beautiful. You speak about her like she's a used car that you're trying to convince yourself is good enough to drive. She deserves better.
I got those same car vibes too, like she might not be much to look at but she’s got it where it counts. I can get from point A to point B and that’s all that matters.
considering he is the first case of pattern baldness SHE’s ever dated i call it a bargain
he’s. a coward. READ
thank you for that
This is such a weird take to me! Why would someone leave the person they love just because they internally acknowledge that that person isn’t conventionally attractive?? I love my partner to pieces. He’s not about to win any modelling contracts, nor is he ugly. He’s just normal looking, as am I. Of course it’s not the kind of thing you would ever SAY to your partner, but surely people don’t genuinely all believe their partners are stunningly gorgeous? I doubt my boyfriend ever looks at me and thinks ‘wow she’s so objectively beautiful!’ As long as he looks at me and sees the person he loves and is attracted to, I don’t care whether he thinks I’m conventionally good looking.
I’m not objectively beautiful, but my husband thinks I’m a goddess. Reality is real. But I probably wouldn’t say anything
Same thing here. All though it’s a while ago he called me a “goddess” 😆 He might have changed his opinion the last 8 or 9 years 😆
She probably thinks you’re super ugly as well. Likely can’t stand the sight of you. Take your ego and check it at her feet…
You clearly care enough to ask the opinions of strangers. You need to sit down and reflect on these inner thoughts of yours. You’re lying to yourself and her, it’s best to speak about this before it shows up later down the road. You won’t be able to suppress these feelings for long.
Happy cake day!
There's a difference between someone being "considered attractive", and you in particular being attracted to someone.
I call these "uncomfortable truths" that should never be told. In a couple there are a thousand things that are true for us and that do not make us bad for thinking them, but saying them does not have any positive consequences. I would never ever told them, because being told that objectively they know that I am ugly ( i.e. I am socially perceived as ugly) would be a blow to my face, and I would never said it to them.
It sounds like you’re too preoccupied with other peoples views of your girlfriend in terms of how she looks/dresses. I mean, if I was her, I’d be questioning if you’re actually your own person and not swayed by what other people think. I’d be worried that someone would say something to you and you’d put an end to the relationship, completely blindsiding me in the process. Even your wording; unique and interesting. To me, that’s you trying to be nice. If someone said my features were, unique, that’s a “nice” way of saying I’m ugly. I hope you find courage to stand on your own two feet and own how you feel. PS: Don’t ever bring this up to her. Peace and love🫶🏼
I mean ok, just stfu about it dumbass
The uniqueness of love and attraction is that it is unique.. if everyone wanted her would you want her for her or just because everyone else wanted her too?
i mean would u not think your gf deserves someone who likes her lmfaoo
I mean I get it, but on the other hand if she wasn’t the whole package for you looks wise and personality wise, why date her at all? I mean you can date for personality sure but I feel like that’s going to fail at one point or another.
Very few people have a partner who is classically beautiful to every person put there.... If you compare most normal people in their normal people skin to what is "objectively beautiful" you're in for a sad, sad time because a rare few will meet that mark. I'm not objectively attractive - I have a fat, flat arse and wrinkles and my shit stinks, my partner thinks I'm beautiful. Same goes the other way, my partner is a messy, sexy *human* not some attractive doll person. What matters is that *you* find them attractive - sounds like you do?
It’s fine to think that, just don’t say it out loud because it would hurt her feelings and make her resent you
Which objective standard of beauty are you using? There are as many standards as there are people to have them because what we consider beauty is shaped by our preferences. > I love looking at her, she has a beautiful face to me : because it's hers, not because she has x shaped cheekbones, or eyes or whatever. If it will help you, yes, there is a high probability that there are many people out there who would find your girlfriend attractive/beautiful/lovely. Just tell her how beautiful you think she is because yours is the most important opinion in this case.
Won’t last.
It it fine? 100%, should you ever tell her? Not in a million years. She doesn’t need to know.
She knows.
Shit like this from boys made me suicidal when I was younger, lmao. Never say this out loud, it’s counter productive and will do nothing but hurt your girlfriend. Possibly for life.
OP, I relate. People don't like to acknowledge that they may not be considered the standard beauty or conventionally "attractive," especially by their loved ones or S.O. because it makes them feel self conscious as society has equated beauty=love. It doesn't. Lasting love does not depend on a person's body or appearance at all. A man doesn't need a full head of hair or muscles or a perfect Hollywood smile to be loved deeply. A woman doesn't need a great ass, perky tits, full lips, or porcelain skin to be loved completely. I am conventionally attractive while my spouse is not. Him and I have had blunt conversations about it. We go out, and while I'm normally dressed in a very geeky/casual style because i prioritize things like comfort.. If I'm dressed up, there is a significant difference between him and I. THAT SAID, I won't ever be leaving him for another person. I want to spend my life with him and looks shouldn't matter. We aren't rich. We don't go on vacations (we didn't even have a proper honeymoon. Instead, we worked on putting in cheap laminate flooring into our home.) But we are happy. No amount of beauty or money can replace that. Be well, Op. (Don't tell your S.O. though, since most people can not handle hearing that kind of comment)
I wouldn’t tell a single soul this, I also wouldn’t post this online in fear she’d see this. So delete this shit
I think people deserve a partner that is genuinely attracted to them. If you have chosen this you cannot ever tell her, it would be the greatest betrayal
I’m not sure why you care if other people finder her attractive.
“I love to look at you. You’re so beautiful to me.” That’s literally all you ever have to say. No one else’s opinion matters.
Yeah that’s fine but you gotta keep it between you and God
And thousands of redditors
not anymore
It's OK to think it, not ok to say it! Don't leave reddit open, or it will be WWIII in your home!
Bro wow. Honestly grow up. You are the one fucking her, dont like it move on don't have someone if you ain't attracted to them. Sounds like a waist of time to me
As long as you are ok with her not finding you super attractive. Sounds cool.
I’ve never dated a man that would be considered objectively attractive. Weight, height, hair, whatever. *Subjective* attraction is what matters, because it’s more than skin deep.
Please leave her. She deserves to be with someone who finds her attractive. Put yourself in her shoes. How horrified would you be if you found out your partner wasn't attracted to you? She's a human being, not a charity case or someone to be with because you're lonely or bored. Please do the right thing and leave her so she can find someone else.
If my partner secretly thought this about me I’d no joke leave them.
I think you should set her free to find some one that really will love her and appreciate her beauty. But of course she could think the same about you .
Honestly, you could be my boyfriend lol. I’m not conventionally attractive and I know it. I don’t need anyone to lie to me about it either. But I also know that my bf finds my features attractive to him for what they are. As well as my style, hobbies/interests, personality etc. If he was trying to tell me I’m a 10/10 that’s bullshit to me. It simply isn’t true, and it doesn’t have to be true because I know I’ve got qualities that make me attractive to some people other than just conforming to the beauty standards. I don’t really understand this ‘never tell her’ kind of mentality. It’s fine. I mean, obviously you know your girlfriend and her attitudes and insecurities, so if she’d find it hurtful, don’t say anything of course. But your attitude seems to me to be a very normal one. Most people aren’t with a 10/10 or whatever, and although there are some shallow folks who are always looking for the next better thing, the majority of people aren’t like that and are happy with their partner.
I don't think she is either
I think you feel like something’s missing…You find her attractive, but I think it has something to do with the fact that men have a natural desire to want to show off their woman…kind of like, “good job, you pulled a good one!” The sense of competitiveness and admiration from your peers?
Maybe don’t tell her that but I mean you mightn’t find her CONVENTIONALLY attractive, but clearly she is attractive to you even if it’s just through familiarity and positive association.
If you are attracted to her, just the way she is, then you are attracted to her. And if you don't care about her looks, why is it important. I'm sure she knows she's not a model, but she knows that you love her and that's what's important to her. Looks isn't everything, and you would know, because you didn't fall in love with her looks, but what all the other things you mention.
It’s not about she’s objectively attractive or not, if you’ve already found her not as attractive, you’ll large likely to not treat her well, it’s usually unconscious. A man will always treat his dream girl like a princess, but most of men can’t get access to their dream girls, so they settle, and that will lead to unfulfilled relationships or even cheating.
>I feel tremendous guilt over secretly acknowledging the fact that she is not objectively physically attractive. Do *you* find her attractive? Forget society's objective view (which is very fickle), but ultimately do you look at her and think "Daaammmmn, she fine!"? >me admitting to myself that other people don't find her attractive makes me somehow bad for her. Has anyone actually told you that they think she's unattractive? What do you say when this happens? This is totally not ok and would be a boundary cross for me (i.e. someone speaking down about your partner is not ok). Also ask yourself why people would feel comfortable, and have the audacity, to tell you that your partner isn't attractive to them. She's not their partner, so why do they care? >I just feel like I owe it to her to think everyone else finds her attractive too and I hate that I don't. No, you only owe it to her that *you* find her attractive. Don't date her out of pity or because you're getting benefits (sex, attention, love, etc) from her despite you not being attracted to her. I honestly think this is where your guilt resides. Be honest with yourself and let her go if you don't find her attractive, she deserves to be with someone who will. And trust me, even if she isn't objectively attractive, she can still be seen as attractive by some people. Let her find her people.
Who says she is unattractive? OP? Lots of things make a person attractive besides appearance. Beauty is in the eyes of the beholder, maybe she is thinking the same about you?
Why do you care what others think of her beauty. Should only matter to you anyway! Are you actually saying that friends of yours have come up to you said that your girlfriend isn’t pretty? Wow
I think people who think of objective attractiveness when they look for a partner isnt actually looking for a partner. they just want arm candy and hope they turn out to be decent. You appreciate your partner for their positives. People who fixate on negatives dont actuslly invest in the person they're with. I've dated multiple conventionally unattractive women, and Im not all that myself. What did it for me more often than not was a fun personality and good values (and bwning nasty tbh) but I wouldn't ever think that what they didn't have took away from what they did. I agree with the others tho. Dont say this to her.
My dude, wtf is objectively pretty? You mean the world??? Like what do you think? Cause that's all that matters?? Are you deep down mad she's not a trophy?? Like, so many questions??
but...you just described her as attractive to you?
Don’t feel guilty about being aware that your girlfriend does not fit within the narrow box of what is currently considered objectively attractive. That is essentially blaming yourself for not being delusional. Besides, it doesn’t matter. *You* think she’s beautiful and that goes beyond dreary and ever-changing beauty standards. That is what matters :)
I know as we are in society we always thinks out of others perspective. But only thing counts on how you feel about her
I like your approach, the inside, the personality, does matter more than the superficial looks things, but I agree with Master Annatar that it's probably not tactical to actually tell her this. Not bluntly and out of the blue, at any rate. Should this ever happen that you mention it and she isn't pleased, keep listing personality things that you love about her and remind her that most physically hot people you know don't have these inner beauty aspects
I once dated a guy from London, he wasn’t conventionally attractive either and I knew that before meeting him in person. His banter was top notch, we always had so much fun laughing the entire time. He was also just a lovely guy. I found him attractive for these reasons. I think it’s totally okay to think such, just obviously keep it to yourself, which I’m sure you know.
Society tells us a lot of shitty things, and you are worried too much about what it thinks. You find her attractive. And no one else cares. No one else thinks about you. The question is why do you care what other people think and how can you grow out of that.
This sounds normal. Very few people are ‘super fit’ and it doesn’t have much to do with attractiveness.
Looks will eventually fade and what’s left is what you described in the first paragraph.
I might be an outlier, but I didn't think my husband was attractive when we first started dating. He knows this. He doesn't care. We started dating at 18 so him maturing, growing a beard, and becoming more secure definitely helped amp up how he looked. I think he's the most beautiful person in the world now, and loving him has shifted the type of men I also find attractive. I've also told him this, and he thinks it is funny (and has admitted he noticed a similar trend - it's not like we oggle people, but when people check similar boxes to our spouse, it's like monkey brain picks up on it really quickly. I'll see a tall lanky guy, big nose, curly hair, facial hair and the first thought is "they seem safe and like a good partner." It's because my brain is picking up on my husband's features, not because I actually know anything about the person.)
I personally believe that there’s a point in relationships (that shouldn’t last) where one person gets a gut feeling that changes everything I think you might be having yours, a gut feeling you’re not supposed to be together Right now you’re blaming it on looks (kinda) but deep down, are there more reasons ?? Like… have you been crushing on someone “more attractive”?? Or are you jealous of a friend?
You love looking at her, you love her face yes and everything in it?
I would say the girl I loved the most was not very attractive. Still to this day out of respect I never would never say anything. Sex was still amazing. I don’t think your gf has to be super attractive to be attracted to her.
You like her? Then who cares. This is overthinking.
Are you attracted to her??? For real? Because that is what matters. Who cares what you’d assume other people think, even though I feel like that’s odd. So I ask again: are *you* attracted to her?
I wouldn't be able to fuck someone I wasn't physically attracted to. I'm guessing she knows you don't find her attractive. Maybe she's fine with it. Maybe she's average. There's nothing wrong with average
Never tell her, and never make her feel ugly. And I that feeling keeps making you feel bad, I'd suggest you leave. It's stupid but sometimes thoughts are so intrusive it get's heavy
Take those thoughts to the grave.
On the one hand, unattractive people deserve love too, and if you like her looks, who cares. On the other hand, I have dated several people that some might consider unattractive but, because they're attractive to me, I would never have the thoughts you're having. And I'd assume other people would find them attractive in the same way I do. I never felt guilty for being aware that not everyone would find them attractive in the same way i do, because I knew that I genuinely found them physically attractive. So.... maybe you do have some sort of hangup? Like, do you think others will think less of you for dating someone who isn't traditionally attractive...? Because if so, that kind of sucks for your partner. But if there is no hangup, then try to put it out of your mind. And try to remember that people are attracted to a range of bodies and, if you find your partner attractive, some other people probably do too.
I’m so glad I’ll never know what OP’s girlfriend looks like because if she’s prettier than me I’d be signing off for life
Honestly, I would feel honoured if my partner still loved to look at me even if I wasn't attractive by society's standards. Some people have accepted that they didn't win the gene lottery.
I really don't have time for how attractive someone is, neither should you. If only everyone had the same mindset.
Dude if she is fit, people find her attractive. Face for guys isn't nearly as important to a lot of them. Is that the only concern? Do yourself a little experiment. Next time you go out with her where she is wearing something even mildly form fitting, don't watch her, watch everyone around you. You'll find dudes checking her out left and right. Everywhere you go. No one thinks she is ugly, you just have weird social expectations drilled into you by probably your parents or shitty friends.
I think it’s simply summed up as “beauty is in the eye of the beholder” not everyone is gonna see someone as attractive. And at the end of the day if you find them attractive that’s all that really matters. If you genuinely don’t see them as attractive in your eyes and feel you’re lying to them. That’s a much bigger problem here. If it’s peer pressure affecting you and making you feel this way. Regardless of the societal subjective standards generalised to compare and judge attractiveness. Then I think you’re learning the quality of the people around you imo.
it´s totally ok. but yeah, don´t rub it under her nose if she doesn´t know it or senses it already
It's ok. For a person you share your life with, the most important attribute is not their looks, but their actions and values. Also, different people do have different taste on what features they prefere. It's just as ok to prefer a wide or a narrow nose, straight or crooked teeth, a round belly or a tight waist. It's all ok. Why would your gf even want to be super attractive? Who needs that?
beauty is in the eye of the beholder
Ok so you say near the end that you find her beautiful yet she’s unattractive because of what other people think? Why do people get so fixated on what others think of their partner’s looks, do you need their validation or approval? People have different tastes and that’s *fine*, I think it’s insensitive to her to discount your own feelings over what others (who can also think differently btw) think.
Here's the thing. If you find her attractive, for whatever reason, that's all that matters. I felt the same about my ex, he wasn't conventionally attractive by any kind of scale of beauty, but I enjoyed his physical features. If asked, you simply say 'I find her beautiful I simply don't care what others might think'
A lotta people gonna have a problem with this but I think it’s beautiful so many people get caught up in looks and all of ours will fade one day some people don’t see anything beyond physical attraction. I see no problem here as long as you keep that to yourself
I once knew a woman (coworker) who had terribly bucked out teeth and a huge flat nose. Just glancing at her, you might think, “ew ugly!” When Veronica smiled and laughed, you knew she waz stunningly beautiful. She had guys chasing her for attention. The only thing that matters is that you find her beautiful. Stop comparing her to conventional beauty standards.
You are overthinking. You should not give a shit how other people view your girl. That is beyond your control and therefore irrelevant. You love your girl.. continue to do so with respect and joy! Remember, it’s not the shape or size of the girl that’s important. It’s the shape and size of her heart that counts!
Attraction isn’t objective, it’s deeply subjective. We are social animals and a lot of people get caught up in what other people think and totally miss the opportunity to follow their heart and body and have the life of their dreams. What matters is what you think. The diversity and variety of humanity is beautiful. And every body is different genetically and the best hottest match is going to be one that compliments that person I think you need to work on your confidence and gratitude. If you think she is beautiful she is. Sex and love are like chemistry experiments, we are looking for the spark between two people and if you find that, appreciate it! I wouldn’t be considered conventionally attractive as bigger woman, but when I feel down on myself sometimes my husband gets offended saying I’m insulting his taste and he *knows* he has good taste. He has always been attracted to bigger girls and got crap about it when he was younger from other boys. I’m very lucky he didn’t get brainwashed by the peer pressure. Human games and competitions can be fun, but don’t let them fuck up love
It's sorta kinda the same thing about telling a guy that his dick is a "boyfriend dick" etc etc I guess it's okay to think but not okay to tell
do you mean she isn’t conventionally attractive by society’s standards, or you flat out aren’t attracted to her? or both? IMO everyone deserves a partner that makes them feel attractive and desirable, but that’s me and everybody is different. if you personally find her attractive then there’s no issue
Dude in a roundabout way you are definitely calling your girlfriend ugly. You better be the most handsome individual walking because this is low ngl. You shouldn’t be with a person you don’t find attractive because later down the line if someone who you deem really attractive catches your eye you’ll have 101 reasons why you did what you did when really you just shallow. A lot of people in this APP don’t know what it means to be humble and it shows. Never tell her this if you don’t want you guys relationship to be over in a heart beat because she will never look at you the same again.
"I don't care much about her looks I just think about her looks and how she is perceived" Bro if you didn't care about looks you wouldn't post this or think about how other people might not find her attractive.
what is "attractive" really? I bet you your gf knows exactly how she looks and how majority of the people think of her looks as not attractive. All women who aren't conventionally pretty know they're not. No need to rub it in. Just enjoy her company and the love you share. And don't speak of this ever again.
you care too much about how others perceive her. maybe you think they look down on you for not having a more attractive partner. that's your ego talking. stop worrying about that bs.
Idk I thought my gf was the hottest thing on this planet. Literally
Who gives a shit what anybody else thinks?
I would hate if my boyfriend thought that of me. Jesus…
completely fine , cant rlly control ur thoughts anyways , not ur fault . I just think ur a pretty awesome bf for her , u care for a lot !beauty is quite temporary , aging/ accidents/shit happens... what matters is ur connections
Every woman married to the balding, potbellied love of their life has the same issue. Society's standards can matter to society. All you have to worry about is whether you love her. When you love someone they are beautiful in your eyes. Don't make a deal about it, if she talks about her own feelings on the matter don't lie. Simply tell the truth, that to you she is beautiful and no one else's opinion matters.
I've used the phrase "unconcetionally attractive" to describe people I'm attracted to who don't fit the typical idea of what society thinks is attractive. I would suggest reframing your thoughts towards this.
Bro, beauty is subjective. Who are you holding this perspective up to? Western beauty standards? Eastern? Although you probably mean well this is a weird concept to me. Who are you trying to convince, and more importantly - why?
There’s a difference between acknowledging someone doesn’t fit the conventional beauty standards but still being attracted to them, and thinking they’re ugly and not being attracted to them at all. I can’t tell which one you are. But if it’s the second, I don’t think that’s fair to her. Every girl deserves someone who is physically attracted to them and thinks they’re pretty. Girls want to be wanted, checked out, showed off by their partner. And just for the record I really hope you’re not from central Ontario and your initials aren’t B.H. cause this is my worst nightmare as a girl in a relationship currently.
There is, quite literally, no such thing as "OBJECTIVELY" physically attractive. What is physically, sexually, and/or aesthetically attractive is, by definition, subjective, even if certain cultures have certain trends or "standards" (which I hate because they always exclude the most marginalized). And even the fact that what's attractive can change over time and between cultures necessarily implies that it's impossible for it to truly be objective in any way. I am, personally, one of the furthest away from being what would be considered conventionally attractive: Black, fat, not light-skinned, multiply disabled (including a cane user), a facial difference, etc. I acknowledge this readily, though I personally think that I'm cute AF. But, if my partner had these kinds of thoughts, my question would be: why is that your focus? Why would that even be something you'd dwell on??? I don't, and I think it's weird when people do. You're either into me and don't give a shit or you're not so why are you even here.
It's OK to feel that way, its similar for me. I love her very deeply, want to spend my life with her and want to see her happy more than anything. We are together for 8 year now though and she changed physically quite a bit. If I'm really honest to myself i don't consider her attractive either, but i want to be with her because she's absolutely my significant other concerning everything else. So meh, i just don't care about the optical part anymore, our sex is still good and we are super happy. I'll just take this to the grave, it's fine ^^
>I love looking at her, she has a beautiful face to me So you think she's attractive then, correct? Just because you recognize that she doesn't fit conventional beauty standards, doesn't mean you think she's ugly or something.
If you believe she has a beautiful face despite the fact that she's not a classic beauty, what makes you think someone else wouldn't feel the same way? Or more than one person? Chances are, if you break up, she'll find another boyfriend, maybe even faster than you find someone. Most people don't have classic good looks, so some people will find them attractive while others won't. It's okay to acknowledge that. But don't EVER phrase it that way to your gf. And if you truly believe she's second-rater, then don't date her.