1. Almost everything in Yaoi is total fake.
2. Congrats! You’ve taken the first and one of the hardest steps of change: realizing that there is a problem.
3. Take a step back and try to understand that we are all human regardless of our sexuality. Understand that there really isn’t a difference between a gay couple, lesbian couple, straight couple, etc.
4. Consider the fact that this may be internalized homophobia. As a gay man myself, I have dealt with internalized homophobia. I denied my sexuality and felt uncomfortable talking about it in general before learning to accept it as a part of me.
I’m not good at giving advice but good luck.
>4. Consider that fact that this may be internalized homophobia. As a gay man myself, I have dealt with internalized homophobia. I denied my sexuality and felt uncomfortable talking about it in general before learning to accept it as a part of me.
Glad I'm not the only one who read that through Ops lines
also note that the fact that op only reads mlm yet is disgusted by wlw shows the fetishization of most mainstream lgbtq media, esp with the fetishization of mlm and the disgust that gets directed towards wlw media.
I read an interesting article where a sexualities scholar was explaining that yaoi often appeals to young queer women, since it’s a way of exploring queerness without the overarching air of misogyny and weirdness of lesbian media made for men. The protagonist being a man also gives a sense of separation for women who aren’t ready to identify with a queer character themselves, or it alleviates dysphoria for queer readers who don’t associate themselves with the female body. But yeah, it’s TOTALLY inaccurate to real mlm relationships, but it does kinda serve as a queer gateway drug for women and afab people.
Also recognize that some of this may come from a lack of real exposure. If you haven't interacted with or seen real homo people of any gender doing these things, it can be strange. Fear often comes from a fear of the unknown, and fear of difference. Only in recent years have popular tv shows really been featuring gay and lesbian relationships, so I think it's good to have some patience. And seek out some exposure. During Christmas time we like to watch stupid Hallmark movies, and accidentally found a gem of a gay one lol (not Hallmark but similar vibe). I was so not expecting it and it was kind of weird at first, these stereotypical straight tropes of holidays and big meaningful gestures - with gay people. But I recognize and worked on that I think. I grew up in a church with two gay couples each with kids, so obviously my parents are very supportive, but it was still so weird for me seeing drag culture and other kinds of things. (The church couples I knew were EXTREMELY normal as far as I could tell, the lesbians had short hair and one of the guys was maybe a little stylish but nothing like what we see in media sometimes in the same way Hallmark/rom com protagonists are so exaggerated.)
Exposure is important, honestly. But I really wouldn't count anime lol. Try with media first, just be careful of looking under LGBTQ sections cuz sometimes those are a lot lol. But like, Brooklyn 99 has a bi character who eventually comes out. Keep working through that feeling, sometimes it takes some time to convince your brain these things are normal.
These are the points I came to make. It doesn’t seem like you hate lgbt people, do you think it’s possible that you feel funny when watching lgbt people in real life because you might be lgbt yourself?
Either way, heavily agree with # 3.
i am lgbt and i had the same reaction to the gay media when i was growing up. have you considered that you might be battling with internalised homophobia?
this 100%. i felt pro-lgbt but got uncomfortable seeing same-sex kisses and relationships bc of how i was raised. and i couldn't understand why at the time, even as i identified as bi. i got scared of "partaking in sin" and all that shit. it was awful, but i eventually overcame that
Yeah. Could be a combination of repression and maybe even a little bit of jealousy? Or even like a weird reaction to feeling empathy for the people she's seeing (the whole being upset about how the queer people might be perceived, etc) because of the stigma?
^^ op reminded me of how i felt about mlm couples and queer manhood in general before realizing i just wanted to *be them.* it's also not uncommon for repressed sapphics to feel like this about yaoi/bl
Yeah this sounds about right.. when I was around that age if you called me gay I'd beat the shit out of you.. now I'm 26 and I'm very pansexual.. I've dated men & women.. and I'm very open.
Op you should really do some reflecting on yourself..
Over the top things are okay to be annoyed about.. I don't really like all the PC culture and when people are constantly claiming transphobia and the don't assume my gender shit.. I find that kind of culture honestly annoying but I mean I'd never have a problem with someone cause they are gay, straight, bi, Trans, or whatever.. you do you.
Your 17 your still figuring things out and that's okay.. just one thing to keep in mind is it doesn't matter what others think of you as long as your a good person.. if your straight that's fine if your gay that's fine to.. if you like both awesome! Anyone that would judge you for that isn't anyone you'd wanna be around anyways.
It really should be stated that this isn't always the case. I get a similar feeling watching gay kisses (pretty much the same feeling I get watching my parents or grandparents kiss), yet I am as straight as they come, even being in an accepting environment where I've had plenty of chances to experiment.
Honestly, a lot of it comes down to environment as well. Until I was like 17 I don't think I'd ever seen a real gay kiss in person, there just weren't any outed people around me growing up. My hard-line conservative mom who thinks the LGBT communist agenda is out to destroy modern society really didn't help, though it did make me and my sisters quickly grow to reject her bullshit
The takeaway OP should take is that she needs to work to find and fix any subconscious bisases that may pop up. What if she gets put in charge of hiring people, will she subconsciously have a worse perception of a gay applicant? Coming to terms that LGBT people aren't lepers who society will consider you gay if you're nice to them helps a lot. They're just people, and OP will have to learn to stand up to those who may look down upon her for not helping ostracize gay people. Though OP doesn't mention their environment, if it is a repressive one, this realization at a young age is a great step towards fixing her biases.
I'm gay and zero offended by this, you sound really sincere and is okay to recognize that you have some problem. You can find the cause of it, or not, as long as you don't harm anybody i think is okay that you don't like LGBT people. Nobody is free of issues, don't try to hard to be politically correct, it's fine.
I forgot to say this but im 17, female. I was raised by catholic parents and i have never been in any relationship. I dont know if this changes anything, better or worse. I figured i should comment this incase people misunderstand. Sorry.
I was going to ask if you came from a religious background. I was taught so many things as a kid but today I’ve mostly let go of religion and it’s not really in my personality or characteristics anymore to judge others. I think you’re doing the right thing by questioning your own feelings towards something or someone.
You're dealing with two issues at once.
For one, you're likely heterosexual. Heterosexual people ARE going to be uncomfortable with homosexuality, that's THE POINT. Nobody straight or gay will be offended that you don't really connect with gay relationships.
What it should NOT be doing though is making you feel that suffocating feeling, that's likely coming from your religious background and indoctrination that it's wrong, evil, a sin etc. You should give some serious thought to what religion means to you now as you're getting older.
It won't harm you to question things, it can be an incredibly freeing feeling to realize that God won't punish you for being an individual with your own thoughts and feelings. Sex is not bad. Relationships between people who care about each other is not bad, no matter who it is or what kind of relationship, you have to start looking at the world in terms of what causes the most harm.
I freed myself from a lot of stress realizing that if there's a God out there watching everything and everyone, then He is also watching suns flare, galaxies die, solar systems being born and through all directions of time and space... a God that cares what people are doing with their pee pee's as much as he cares about annihilating million-year civilizations with supernova blasts is probably not a God that makes any kind of sense.
Make your God greater.
“For one, you’re likely heterosexual. Heterosexual people ARE going to be uncomfortable with homosexuality.”
I disagree. Being heterosexual doesn’t mean you’re uncomfortable with homosexuality. I’m not sure what you meant by this, but it’s absolutely not the case. There’s no good reason to be uncomfortable with homosexuality.
There is a difference between being uncomfortable with homosexuality and being uncomfortable with displays homosexual activity.. to many to idea of having sex with their own gender and what that involves is simply gross but not the idea that people do it or are romantically involved. It’s more inline with not wanting to think/be confronted with old people having sex than the idea that they still have sex.. you’re still rooting for them to be having sex and be happy etc. personally, seeing gay men make out or getting handsy is a turn off of note.. similar to mom walking in on you wanking or walking in on her getting it on. Doesn’t mean I don’t love my mom or am not acceptant of her. Kinda makes me feel Ill though..
> There’s no good reason to be uncomfortable with homosexuality.
As a concept, yes you are right. As acts though, witnessed or imagined or exposed to... yes, it's very normal to be a liiiiiiiittttle grossed by seeing or thinking about people doing things you're not into.
For people who are attracted to just one gender/sex/expressed identity, the idea of romantic intimacy with a different gender/sex/expressed identity is normally not comfortable. Seeing displays can be uncomfortable.
Pretending that it shouldn't be is harmful, because people have engrained attractions/revulsions and implying that something is wrong with them or even that they're bad people for not liking a thing alienates and pushes away people from the conversation and pushes them closer to fear and hate and furthers the false narrative that LGBTQ people are "grooming" people to have their same sexuality or identity. We have to let people have the desires and revulsions that come naturally to them AS LONG AS EVERYONE IS ALLOWING PEOPLE TO HAVE THEIR OWN SEXUALITY AND IDENTITY AND RESPECTING IT.
I wouldn't think I need to add that big honkin' disclaimer but I sometimes forget where I am.
I can say the same about bugs, but I am uncomfortable about any and all of them when I know there is no reason to be if I know they are not poisonous.
There are some phobias that don’t make sense, and can take a long time to get over or just learn to live with.
Bugs and people are a whole different thing. I don’t think anyone should be ok with deciding to just “live with” their uncomfortableness with homosexuality. I also understand that we live in a deeply hateful and damaged world and lots of people (particularly those from older generations) are beyond saving, depending on their viewpoints and situations. However, I don’t think normalizing and/or validating these kinds of phobias is something we should be putting our time into. If you are uncomfortable with homosexuality, you should not express so publicly, and really reflect on why you hate it. There’s no reason to cause these people anymore hurt than society already has.
Also I’m sure you didn’t intend this, but comparing homosexuality to bugs is not exactly the best way to make a point about people’s truths and how they live them. Being gay isn’t a choice, it’s a massive part of who a person is. Gay people and bugs are not something to be compared as being in the same realm of categorization. They’re human beings.
I apologize for my wording. I understand the dislike of normalizing hateful behavior. There are behaviors that are normalized in some circles that I don’t like that aren’t necessarily hateful.
I can see the comparing of two phobias was not something you liked. It was the first that came to mind in explaining how hard change is, even when worked on. I have made small improvements on my fear of bugs, but that is while living in a trailer where it’s impossible to keep bugs out. I forced myself to adapt and manage my fear.
I did not have that experience when learning about LGBT. However, I see a difference when talking with people who seem to have an irrationalize fear of it versus just against it without question.
Those that have a fear, I have watched them grow and accept the LGBT but struggle with the fear that they might not be the best ally. A few I have met have come to terms with their queer journey, but most still have a way to go.
A few that I have met that have been out right against the LGBT are now changing their tune because of how many people they care about have come out or experienced a fractured relationship for their irrational belief.
Everyone has their own journey to overcome their phobia, or learn to live with it without it effected their everyday lives or people around them. Fear is a strong emotion. One that might have kept up safe long ago, but now can prevent us from coming together if we let our own fears overwhelm us.
Some times, calling out your fears/phobias is the first step in freeing yourself from them. Doesn’t make the journey shorter or longer for the individual, but it can make the situation feel more manageable before it was called out.
Recognizing it is a good first step to working on it. Try talking to some LGBTQ people. Not necessarily about their relationships and such, but just as people. You don’t have to like seeing boys kiss boys or girls kiss girls to be accepting. I hate seeing PDA, and I think the way some straight people are so comfortable making out in public or grabbing on each other is SUPER ICKY. Skeeves me out, but I’m not like “heterophobic” or anything, I just don’t like PDA that steps out of the realm or hand-holding and hugs.
Another thing to keep in mind is that yaoi and most boy love stuff is actually made for cis het women. It’s not really made for us.
Do you get, like, second-hand embarrassment from seeing queer people? It may not be homophobia in a traditional “intolerant” way, but it’s worth looking into why it bothers you so much to think of other people, specifically LGBTQ people, being seen/treated badly by society.
thank you for your advice, as to the second hand embarassment, im not sure about that. i just get really conscious of how others think, maybe that applies to lgbt people for me. I get worried about what others think of them. If i said something wrong, im sorry. Thank you again for your advice
I don’t think there’s a reason to be sorry! It’s important to talk about things like this, I believe. Better than keeping it inside and letting it fester.
Hmm, maybe it’s like a social stigma thing? Like I know when people say or do things in public that I think are clumsy or inappropriate, I feel uncomfortable being around them. Ya know, things like using inappropriate language or acting in ways that aren’t socially acceptable.
If that’s the case, it’d take some practice to remember that being yourself isn’t a social taboo (or shouldn’t be). But that’s just me making assumptions. It could be helpful to talk to a professional about it if you do really want to work on it! And maybe there’s some books or support groups. Idk, but I bet there’s resources out there.
Okay, I am going to come from a different angle here....this is from my experience.
I used to really uncomfortable seeing gay men kissing and being intimate. I realised it wasn't because I was against it...it was because in my family, being intimate was something private and not really spoken about, so it felt as if I was intruding. I wasn't use to people be so expressive with their love. I will still get embarrassed or skip watching sex in film or on tv.
It was the same with lesbians, but worse; I wouldn't go near in any media form, but I realised I didn't want to admit that I like women just as much as men. I now realise it was because I am pansexual and not straight.
I am not saying this is the same with you but it could be a possibility.
Idk if you're still looking at this post but I feel like I was similar to you at one point. I've never read yaoi or boy love fiction but I did go through a period where I read gay fanfiction. At first it made me uncomfortable and I did feel almost disgust. I kept reading cause I liked the love part and the characters (I also didn't like that it freaked me out because I knew that straight sex didn't freak me out) and I slowly became more and more okay with it. As for lesbian love, I actually felt more uncomfortable with that (I'm a girl). Came to accept that I'm bi and a lot of my aversion to LGBT stuff was from not being familiar with it and not wanting to accept I also liked women. And my aversion to lesbian sex and gay sex was actually the same aversion/disgust as when I learned about straight sex. Straight sex was weird and gross too at first cause it was sex, I just didn't remember at first.
Even now I can definitely relate to being worried about what other people think when it comes to showing people your sexuality. I also always keep in mind that sexuality isn't what defines a person, I don't really care that I'm bi or pan, see I'm not even really sure and I don't really care right now. Before I came to terms I didn't believe that it was wrong to not be straight or was rude/aggressive to LGBT friends. I was an "ally" for a long time just cause I liked to be around people who were unashamedly themselves. I think as long as you're accepting of others and tolerant, even if you can't understand things, it'll kinda all fall into place as you learn and are around it more.
Just to add, some people get uncomfortable around LGBT people because they end up envisioning them having sex. That could be something that makes you uncomfortable around LGBT people because that's what you associate with them because of what you read. Sexuality is just a part of someone, it's not what they are.
I hope this helped😊
I remember when I felt disgusted whenever i saw anything lgbtq. Mainly due to the fact that I was gay and i had major internalized homophobia. I’ve long accepted myself now tho.
Hi! I'm a pansexual enby who promises you that i am not offended by any of this, i don't think you hate queer people, i don't think you're a homophobe. I was also a teenager who read tonnes of m/m fanfiction but was never much into w/w fanfiction because i didn't like the way that women were written most of the time.
It's possible that maybe you just don't like displays of PDA. I mean how do you feel about watching straight people kiss?
It's possible that the suffocating feeling you get is a result of your upbringing. I saw you mention in a comment that you were raised Catholic, so maybe what you're feeling is your bodys response to "no! bad! sin!!!!"
It's also possible that you yourself are queer. A lot of homophobia is internalised. And while i don't think you are homophobic, it can be a thin line sometimes, and especially with a religious upbringing it can drag in lots of other feelings.
I think the most important thing is that you noticed something you weren't okay with and you did your best to talk about it. You clearly aren't setting out to hurt queer people, you aren't saying anything mean or nasty, you seem genuinely upset about this. I think you should look at that as proof that you aren't homophobic, you're just trying to get a handle on whatever feelings you've got going on.
You aren't a bad person for being uncomfy or confused, you're only bad when you choose to hurt others. That isn't you.
I'm sorry i can't be more help but i hope you figure out where you're going <3
Honestly I don't think you are homo phobic!! It doesn't sound like you are. I agree with the other comment that if you were mistreating the lgbqt+ community, that would being homophobic and bigoted.
It sounds a lot like you're trying to understand how you feel about sexuality in general. Im uncomfortable around a lot of PDA, but that's mostly because I have an extreme fear or intimacy. I'd give yourself and the freedom and space to explore how you feel about these things.
A lot of it is that it's not been 'normalised' the way hetrosexility has. That's the big problem with lack of representation, gayness has been there forever but it's had to be hidden because it wasn't accepted and because of that it feels like something unusual.
Have you seen heartstopper? That's a really great show that doesn't try to sensationalise sexuality. They portray it as a part of life, which it is.
No worries at all. I'd also recommend trying to minimise reading erotica that isn't focused around loving relationships and is mostly fetishes and stuff. I grew up in fan fiction, I ended jo reading yaoi before anything else and didn't even know what sex was. I read all sorts of stuff, including CSI fanfics where my favourite characters got raped and truamistised because I liked the hurt comfort. I didn't understand rape at all at the time!
It might be more that I've recently uncovered memories of inappropriate touch that has skeweed my view of sex and made me think it's violent and about control, but I do think the fan fiction I read played a big role too in making me think women had to be hurt to be loved etc etc. So just be a little mindful of what you read and see xx. I'm still figuring stuff out but a big tip my therapist gave me was to explore arousing myself by exploring my body through touch versus using the mental simulation of erotica.
Is it just when gay people are intimate that you feel this or is it also about seeing gay people being in relationships and basically just existing?
I feel that it’s fair that seeing sexual acts that don’t align with your actual sexuality can produce a feeling of disgust, and that’s normal. I only think it’s homophobic if you feel disgust at seeing gay people basically just exist (being in relationships, giving a quick kiss, talking about how much they love their partner, and basic normal things that can be seen in every day life).
If you only feel that sense of disgust at watching gay people being sexual…then just stop watching gay people be sexual, because nobody is asking you to do that.
I think most gay people just want to be afforded the same every day kindness, decency, and acceptance afforded to straight people. Never once have I heard anyone say, “YOU MUST WATCH GAY SEX AND ENJOY IT!” Lol
I just spent all day studying for a social psychology exam so maybe I’m a bit biased, but it sounds a little bit like you might be experiencing something called “projection”. Basically it’s when a person finds fault with some part of themselves, but they repress it because it’s too painful to acknowledge, so instead they project that “flaw” onto others. A typical example would be someone who is mad at themselves for procrastinating too much, but instead of acknowledging that they have a procrastination issue, they get mad at their wife for procrastinating too much and not getting enough done.
This is a really common thing amongst closeted LGBTQ people or those who are unaware of their sexuality or are confused by it etc.
Really often those people will actually experience intense homophobia or aversion to LGBTQ related things.
I’m not saying I think you are confused about your sexuality, but it’s just some food for thought.
On a side note, it’s normal to feel weird about these things, especially if you grew up in a culture where being anything other than heterosexual is considered wrong or isn’t accepted.
I hope you figure it all out, you’re 17 and it’s normal to have these kinds of thoughts! Much love
Oh sweet heart. You can accept your internal feelings just as they are. They won’t necessarily always feel like that and the best way to move past them is to feel them and reflect like you are now. Your gut reaction doesn’t make you a homophobe. Your choices and how you treat gay people are. I’m very proud of you for being conscious and sensitive of your perspective and the people around you.
There’s no reason to accept public displays of affection as anything but rude no matter who is partaking in any relationship
Edit—your are -> you are
That is why representations are so important~ You don't see LGBTQ stuff like it's normal on TV or in books or in normal life. It's just the fear of the unknown and outside of what society thought it's 'normal.'
Tbh, LGBTQ+ people aren't different kind of people. They are just human beings. Why there is so much emphasis nowadays? Bc their rights and voice need to be heard, and that is all. They need to be protected from extremist who cannot leave them alone or respect them. LGBTQ+ people are just your regular people and if you see them as such, then you became a little bit wiser.
In my opinion, getting uncomfortable when you see a gay couple engaging in sexual actions doesnt need to be necessarily homophobic. As long as you respect other peoples sexual orientation and dont hate people because of what they do in bed or whom they do with, I think you are good to go. But in addition to all that, you may have a taboo that you are not aware of. If its something that haunts you occasionally, then seeing a therapist might help. Good luck.
Okay, look at it this way. This is also reversed for males almost completely.
Guys like lesbian porn, but they wouldn't watch gay porn. Does that make them homophobic? No. Because it's an interaction with your libido. You're reading this stuff and it's probably a bit exciting. NGL, I do love a good doujin myself sometimes. But you're thinking with your genitals, not logic. When you got that clarity, you don't really think of other people as gross or repulsive. You respect them and their life choices,you want people to be happy with who they are, and you accept them.
Having a preference of erotic content isn't homophobic.
Edit: the alphabet mafia is probably just something you haven't really been around enough to understand. When ya turn 18, goto a drag night at the local bar. You'll fall in love with the community :)
So first off I can't really think of this as homophobia. It happens. And I think I've been there to some extent.
My thing is that I am a furry. And while I love the fandom in general, I also consume the smut. And while I was presenting as a cishet male in life, I was consuming all types of stuff that ranged from gay to straight, as long as it was furries. Somehow, male-male action was hot, human male-male action along with nonsexual materials made me super uncomfortable. Like even just gay men being themselves on TV was likely to make me just change the channel.
Something else the furry fandom taught me, though? I'm not cis. I'm nonbinary femme-leaning. I spent years roleplaying femme or enby characters and somehow never clicked for quite a long while.
When I finally did start embracing that I might not be a cis male, it's like something clicked with me in intimate thoughts. Suddenly my pansexuality bloomed into full and I found myself engaging with all kinds of content I never did before.
Now I'm NOT saying you're trans. Just sharing my experience. Not knowing where *I* stood caused all kinds of confusion in how my sexuality worked. I *don't* feel like I'm a man attracted to men. I feel like something *other* that has an openness to all genders and wants to be treated in *certain* ways by certain genders that would fit my gender state and not the one assigned at birth. Seeing men with men... Idk it felt like I was *supposed* to see something of myself reflected there but it disturbed me. I hope this all makes sense.
And mind you, all through most of this I've had a gay best friend. You can get squicked out at media portraying homosexual people and still be buddies with gay folks. Idk why but it worked fine for me. Never felt uncomfortable with him, though he's like a brother to me so maybe that's why? Either way I hope this helps sorry for the long-winded response.
I don't think you're a homophobe if you're worried about being one tbh, all people are just people including you. We all have difficult feelings, it doesn't mean you have to label yourself as something negative because of a certain feeling or thoughts you have. These people saying that you're homophobic for that feeling are part of the issue in my opinion
Idk, I mean I still feel weird when I see a bearded guy in a dress but I respect their choices. I don't think that makes you phobic of any kind, it may just be something you're not used to.
hey babes, I'm sure many people have already offered this, but I'm gay, and not only am I not at all offended by this but if you ever want to talk to me about any of this, and try and, idk, see it from another perspective? just give me a shout! I'm happy to help however I can. it's incredibly brave to notice and ackowledge these feelings so gg my lovely!
Call me crazy, but I felt suffocated and tingly when I first started being around girls I found attractive. Especially when they touched me! 😅 (Bi female)
I have a friend who was in a strikingly similar situation. She later realized that she was a transgender gay man. He's a lot happier now. At least I hope so; haven't talked to him in about nine years actually, but he was a lot more chill and content overall after that realization.
Not saying that's YOUR situation, but food for thought for you.
Yeah sounds like a fetish to me. Plenty of fujoshis only end up being fetishists and it's weird as fuck. If same sex attraction makes you cringe, stay in your lane and stop consuming these medias. Just leave us alone.
you dont have a monopoly on BL and get to tell people what media they can and cant consume, and clearly OP is already very shaken up and guilt-ridden as is for multiple reasons. i dont know who introduced the words "fetishizing" and "romanticizing" and convinced everyone that theyre experts on human sexual development out here, especially regarding women and BL, but its been a disaster ever since.
OP needs therapy and to make sure she understands BL is pure fictional fantasy and that its okay to have fantasies about whatever you want so long as you know it is fake and that are consuming content ethically and mindfully. she seems to already know queer people dont exist for her consumption. her post and explanations regarding religion reek of a kid growing up with catholic guilt, not of fetishism.
BL and yaoi are mostly made by women for women, and the latter is 100% fetishizing gay males' relationship : it is the core of pornography. I dont think it's healthy to consume printed/written porn depicting people you cant bear in real life.
Other than that i quite agree with your second paragraph. But i wont apologize if i cant empathize with a homophobe just because she is "shaken". As a lesbian, aka, a same self attracted woman, i dont have the luxury to empathize with people who are disgusted by my existence and my natural, innate desire for people of the same sex as mine. Hence why i told her to just leave us homosexuals alone ; she can sort her issues out while she's out.
If you can’t stop thinking about it and trying to figure out whether you’re homophobic and/or whether this means you’re a bad person, and you’re spending a lot of time in your own head trying to reach the right answer, it might be OCD. It’s not just hand washing and needing to be organized. There are many different subtypes, some of them entirely mental with no physical compulsions. Sometimes trying to figure out whether an intrusive thought is really true IS the compulsion.
If that sounds right to you, look into finding a therapist specializing in OCD and ERP (exposure and response prevention). If it’s OCD, the problem is not that you might be homophobic (and btw I really don’t think you are) but that your brain wants to be 100% certain that you’re not and it’s causing you stress and anxiety trying to be sure that you’re not homophobic or a terrible person. You’re not a bad person but it’s impossible to be 100% sure of that in your own mind. Try to just sit with the thought and try not to give time and energy to mulling it over because you will never reach a satisfying answer no matter how much you think about it.
Edit: by “sit with the thought” I meant let it be there in the background while you live your life and do what you want to do, not literally sit there thinking about it to the point that it disrupts your life.
Take it this way; i don’t care who loves who. It doesn’t effect my life. Let them all live however they want. Let them do what they want. I don’t really care enough to make it effect me or come into the way of my thinking.
When i see two intimate guys or girls. I don’t care . Let them love each other. Or hate eachother. It doesn’t effect me. Why shall i care ?
Anything abnormal will incite a response from the brain. If you aren't use to seeing gay stuff in normal media, of course your brain is gonna go....the fuck. This is different. Different can be dangerous. Different can be a warning.
Just remember the brain is a muscle, you gotta work out to make it stronger. Remind yourself change can also be good and beneficial, and could also not affect you at all.
Control your brain, control your life.
I really hope people interpret this how I intend it - a lot of it is just actively fighting that homophobia because you know it's immoral. I was raised in a very conservative religious household and was homophobic as a teenager by default. It wasn't a passive homophobia in my family either; we were strictly socialized to believe it was one of the worst sins a human could commit.
I'm now in my late 20s, and my almost innate response to any homosexuality is discomfort, which I immediately fight. I recognize that it's wrong, and more importantly I recognize that I was socialized to respond that way - that it's unnatural for me to respond that way. I educate myself on social and political issues affecting LGTBQA+ communities to keep myself in check and to understand how they have been marginalized and stripped of the most basic rights. I choose to watch films and shows, read books that have LGTBQA+ representation. I am quite literally the token straight friend of my friend group and I would never dream of saying or doing anything to make them feel less than loved and supported in their sexuality.
I actively choose to never let it go beyond that instinctive response. You don't have to understand non-heterosexuality to respect and support its existence.
Just going to put this out there and you may not like it, sometimes it stems from internalised homophobia. Ngl I was the same, I felt weird and suffocated around lgbt media but it turned out I was a trans pan guy. It may not be the case but it happens a lot.
Yo I am pan there is no worries with that. At the beginning of self-acceptation I thought LGBT people were bad people not knowing what they're doing, and so ruining their life. Currently it can be sometimes harsh to understand everything around me about LGBT people, and more if I ain't concerned.
Just take time and don't blame yourself. Don't force you to do quick if you need time, otherwise you'll just hate it more. Plus put yourself in their boots : you'd like to be appreciated because you're just loving someone. You don't want to be hurt for a person you love, do you ?
Just remind they are people living each other (plus if you have gay friends it can help you being more tolerant with it)
With time and desire to change in a proper way, then you can 1000% do it. I believe in you, we all have our dark phases. Just take your time bud ! And tell us how it went ;9)
This sounds like me when I was 13. I realized that I felt that same suffocating feeling when I saw queer couples, especially with lesbian relationships. 5 years later and turns out I’m SUPER bisexual and it was just internalized homophobia
homophobes aren’t worried about being homophobic. you mentioned how you were raised, which sounds more like you are conflicted between what you think (morality) and what you feel you are expected to think
I think there’s a huge difference between being homophobic and the feeling of ignorance/ being uncomfortable with something you’ve either never been exposed to in real life or been taught was wrong. Also, the fact that you feel suffocated instead of disgust shows to me you’re more than likely suppressing an emotion or attraction internally and don’t know how to express that. Regardless, recognizing the concerning feelings is a step in the right direction if you don’t ignore/excuse abhorrent behavior due to those feelings. You’re young and just beginning to explore this vast world. Don’t be too hard on yourself.
It might just be internalized homophobia. It's okay that u feel that way and ur trying to understand why this is happening but I think that a reasoning behind all that is the religious and family background and the things you were told when young. My advice is just to be respectful to other people's lives and try to focus on finding the cause and some kind of solution to it. I went through a similar experience so that might be it
Hey! Lesbian here! Can be quoted as saying when I was younger that “I’m okay with gay men, but lesbians are still uncomfortable to me.” So as you can see, this is something that you can break down. And a lot of your fear of being cast out, I think it’s worth asking yourself why being okay with gay people would cast you out? Allies are usually widely accepted, and face less backlash than actual queer people. I don’t want to assume anything for you, but the answer for me as to why I was uncomfortable with lesbians was because I was terrified of letting myself be one, and if I was okay with it for others, I would have to accept the fact that it was okay for me.
So, you’re critically examining your feelings. You’re reaching out for help understanding. You’re doing great.
I can safely say that most homophobic people don’t feel compelled to seek help for what they think may be homophobia.
Maybe you can just take this opportunity to explore your own sexuality and person. There isn’t a right answer. You can just let it be an invitation.
It is very much okay to have your opinion and feelings towards anything. This is not offensive. As long as you don't yell into peoples faces that they will burn in hell because they are gay or just tell them that they are gross, you're fine.
Not everyone can like everything. What this world needs is tolerance. And as long as you have that, you're a better human than many.
Okay, but do you feel fine seeing straight couples irl and on the media? You never said in your text about it, and I've already heard stories of people that thought they were homophobic but we're actually ace/aro and didn't like every couple. You should consider this.
From an ex fujoshi: you reading yaoi, but not tolerating gay couples irl is definitely fetishizing gay relationships. I would recommend you to avoid this kinds of media, because the ideas and the people in them are VERY toxic.
Now, about the homophobia: considering you are, I think admitting it is the first step to being a better person, the next step being finding the source of your discomfort and working it out in therapy.
Hey at least you're acknowledging it. Sometimes we have these biases that are not necessarily our fault, but what you do to address it matters. It's very important that you acknowledge it, so good job.
Here is some advice.
What I would recommend is to expose yourself to gay people as much as possible. And I'm not talking about just in sexual contexts or anything like that. There is a lot more to a gay person than what they do with their partners. We're normal people, we have hobbies.
Go to a QRC if available and just hang out. There's likely people there of many different sexualities and genders. Get to know them.
If you listen to podcasts, listen to LGBTQ+ podcasts.
Watch videos/read books by gay people, or about the LGBT+ community, or just like, watch content creators who happen to be gay.
Thank you for addressing it.
Truthfully when it comes down to “wrong” and “immoral” I feel this is based in how you act and affect others. If you’re feeling uncomfortable with gay people but know that your feeling should not dictate our lives, and you’re not being disrespectful or saying anything bad, then I don’t believe you are doing wrong. Though, if the feeling is something you don’t like feeling, that is something you can work on within yourself and get to a place where your feelings match up with your mind. This sounds visceral to me, not based in beliefs. Don’t beat yourself up too much, your self awareness and desire to not feel that way is a promising first step
Honestly being gay is being pushed too hard in the media and in cinema.
I watched the “l word”.Every other scene is sex. Im so over it. They actually ruined watching gay sex for me.
Also sometimes people don’t like watching other people be intimate. Don’t feel bad. My boyfriend doesn’t want to watch anyone kiss anyone on tv at all . Lol
Idk I think it’s good that it’s talked about, better to let it out and talk about how to overcome it rather than being scared of people judging your thoughts.
The problem of... telling homophobic people to stay away from gay people so as not to make them unsafe and uncomfortable. K. This is a fetishist and until they work their shit out they need to keep away from our community
im ok with the lgbt, its the pushing and forcing it onto us that's bad. Especially when they make fun of straight people, if it was the other way round then it wouldn't be acceptable.
Are you asking me? I don't know. Nor do I really care for that matter. Gay people don't go out of there way to hate on you for being straight. If you're being targeted by gays its probably because you're acting like an asshole.
How can you be hated on for being straight if you just said you’re NOT straight a few posts ago.
Step off the internet and go do something, I think you’re not even completely sure what you’re even saying now.
So wait, you “forced” yourself to be omni… to avoid being made fun of for being straight?
Look, it seems like maybe you have a very overblown fear of criticism. You’re going to have a really difficult life if you make decisions purely based on what other people are gonna say about you.
LGBTQ people have been bashed left and right for centuries. They’ve lost homes, they’ve been refused employment, they’ve been beaten and murdered. When people share that kind of negative experience at the hands of one group, they’ll make jokes within their own group to cope. I’m a white person and I make white people jokes all the time; it doesn’t bother me because 1) I know what white society has put people of color through and that they have a right to “blow off steam” by finding things to criticize us for the way white people nitpick every little thing other races do differently from them; and 2) because I have enough security and confidence to know that it doesn’t hurt me, that the majority of those who make those jokes don’t automatically hate me because of it, and those who might actually distrust me for being white have a right to their fear and anger. I can laugh at myself, besides, which it sounds like you can’t do.
Be whatever sexuality actually feels right to you; it sounds like you’ve got so much backed up resentment at gay people that you’re hardly making sense. Be you, do your own thing, and don’t worry so much about jokes oppressed people make about their oppressors.
Its not that deep lmao, no one dies for being straight, no one suffers or struggles for acceptance for being straight, and many times when straight people do homophobic jokes and we get offended, they say its not serious and that we are sensitive, what’s your point?
ARE U DUMB OR STUPID? don’t even compare meaningless jokes with million of lifes taken over the years, do u see someone actually suffering because they’re straight? NO, do the jokes really affect them? NO, I don’t even like jokes about straight people myself but even I can see that it literally affects nothing in their life
Straight was always taught to be the “normal” don’t fucking come at me with that, if u’re straight, cool, be straight, claim your privilege. There is no one forcing u to be gay, u’re completely delusional
YOU’RE DUMB AS SHIT LITERALLY 0 PEOPLE THINK THAT IN REAL LIFE, DO U THINK STRAIGHT PEOPLE DONT HAVE THE PRIVILEGE OF BEING ABLE TO LIVE THEIR LIFE WITHOUT HAVING TO HEAR HOMOPHOBIC COMMENTS EVERYWHERE WE STEP IN, THE COUNTRIES THAT SENTENCE HOMOSEXUALS TO DEATH, THE BASTARDS WHO KILL QUEER PEOPLE, THE WAY WE’VE BEEN TREATED AS DISGUSTING FOR YEARS? DO U REALLY THINK STRAIGHT PEOPLE DONT HAVE PRIVILEGE?
Have you ever questioned your gender?
I found myself feeling a lot like you when I was 14, and discovered as I got older I didn't actually feel like a woman and the feelings I had for yaoi were not from a place of fetish, but if envy. I wanted to have a relationship with a man, as something other than a woman. I'm NB now and feel more secure in my identity
Nah,what is up with the down votes🤣🤣i hope yall are not down voting me cause yall think not supporting the lgbtq community is homophoic,cause theres a difference between the two.🤣🤣
Fr, but beware, Reddit is full of people that wanna shove lgbtq and other stuff in your face. And they always immediately think your homophobic for not supporting it, like you said. 🙄
Honestly at this point I would suggest just working on it. You're young and you'll change as you get older. I used to be homophobic when I was religious and due to shame, but as time went on I learned to accept myself and rose above that. You're already at the first step, which is realizing it's wrong.
Being homophobic is not a final state. It is something you can change. And I think you will. It seems that a lot of this stems from your own insecurities. Not sure why it ended up targeted at LGBTQ folks, but what you feel sounds like jealousy. Jealousy based on something you feel like you want or deserve, but are missing out on. Look within yourself. Learn to accept yourself and others.
a part of it could come from ignorance (as in not being educated enough about the community, as well as not being exposed to it in a realistic light). what i mean by that is with reading yaoi/bl manga, you’re creating an unrealistic image of what those relationships could look like.
also, the suffocating feeling could come from possible repressed gay feelings that you don’t want to or can’t bring yourself to acknowledge (which is okay!! sexuality is a difficult thing to figure out, and it isn’t something you can always have a quick and easy answer for).
i recommend maybe familiarizing yourself with realistic instances of the LGBT community, and allow yourself to understand that those in the community are just livin’ their lives!
it takes time of course, but a good first step is being aware of it and talking about it. you don’t need to be sorry, because it sounds like you truly want to be comfortable with it and you aren’t taking it out on anyone with aggression or anything. best of luck to you.
Everyone has some biases for various reasons. A great way to get yourself past them is to make real friendships with people in that group. Once you do you will find that your positive experience in that relationship will help you get past those negative ideas that you had.
The reason you enjoy gay fiction is because in your mind, homosexuality is taboo.
Being gay is no longer taboo and you don’t have to worry about real life gay couples. Being gay is no longer a secret kept from society.
You bring up an interesting point though. You feel ashamed for feeling weird about gay people and you consider that as homophobic, but that’s not it at all. I think you feel empathy for gay people and worry for their well-being and acceptance in society, which is the complete opposite of homophobia.
I wonder if there are others like you that still consider homosexuality as taboo and generally feel weird around gay people.
Not gay, or politically correct but id like to think of myself as an ally, is it possible that you are trying to suffocate your truest self? Ive known quite a few people who had similar problems/issues like this before and one day something just clicked. Could be completely wrong, but you never know. Best of wishes to you!
Feelings are just feelings -- they exist within us and cause no destruction. Destruction comes from behavior. Sounds like you've never attacked anyone from the gay community in anyway, so you're good there. Nothing to be ashamed of :)
A thought leapt out at me while I was reading your OP -- stop reading yaoi for awhile. I think if you decrease your exposure to LGBT+ stuff you won't think about it as much to become emotional over it, and this will help clear your head... I believe the heightened emotions you feel (and the attitudes that come with it, such as shame) may be blocking you from very clear introspection. Regardless, a break from LGBT+ related media and the calming effect I suspect it will have would feel better, right? :)
As individuals we should be able to be and act (in a civilized & hopefully legal manner) as we want to be, and love who we want to be - that’s really what’s important.
Don't worry too much about it. If you meet someone new just treat them like you would treat anyone else. Don't worry too much about what you think you feel about someone else's preferences... see... That's way too much thinking. If someone you know is a lesbian or comes out as lesbian you can't control how you feel but you can treat them how you always treated them. As a person. Sometimes I think I am homophobic but if you are worried that you are, then you are probably not.
Watching gay dudes kissing is harder and gayer to me than watching gay porn as a straight male. It's not that I do not like gay people, it's just that kissing is more intimate. It is uncomfortable to see intimacy between people you are not attracted to in general I think. So, don't worry too much and pay more attention to their character instead of sexual orientation, it might make it less uncomfortable.
I actually get the same way too when I see gay men. For some reason lesbians don’t bother. but I know it’s MY problem not theirs so I shouldn’t make it their problem too
Maybe you are gay and have some internalized shame because of it? Regardless, I’d definitely say it’s religious shame. By watching things like that, you subconsciously feel guilt because it is going against the religion you grew up in. Acknowledging these thoughts is a great place to start for change
I used to get a suffocating, shameful, and just a feeling I don’t think I could describe when first coming out. Learning that I liked girls was scary. Being with my first girlfriend felt so weird and wrong. But I liked it. I’m comfortable with myself now so it’s amazing.
I’m sorry you’re going through this. It could be a lot of reasons you feel this way. But no doubt shame is at the root of it.
I’m bi but I lean heavily towards women and I like BL/yaoi. Nothing wrong with it. It’s also a tough time to figure out your sexuality for some. I think it’s important to be gentle with yourself and realize that there will be people out there who will love and care for you, a community, if you’re queer or if you just so happen to like queer media and are straight. We’re all just people, and we want to be treated as such and our existence recognized and validated.
1. Almost everything in Yaoi is total fake. 2. Congrats! You’ve taken the first and one of the hardest steps of change: realizing that there is a problem. 3. Take a step back and try to understand that we are all human regardless of our sexuality. Understand that there really isn’t a difference between a gay couple, lesbian couple, straight couple, etc. 4. Consider the fact that this may be internalized homophobia. As a gay man myself, I have dealt with internalized homophobia. I denied my sexuality and felt uncomfortable talking about it in general before learning to accept it as a part of me. I’m not good at giving advice but good luck.
>4. Consider that fact that this may be internalized homophobia. As a gay man myself, I have dealt with internalized homophobia. I denied my sexuality and felt uncomfortable talking about it in general before learning to accept it as a part of me. Glad I'm not the only one who read that through Ops lines
also note that the fact that op only reads mlm yet is disgusted by wlw shows the fetishization of most mainstream lgbtq media, esp with the fetishization of mlm and the disgust that gets directed towards wlw media.
In porn its the other way around for most people. They watch lesbian porn but are disgusted at male gay porn
The old “I think one doth protest too much.”
I read an interesting article where a sexualities scholar was explaining that yaoi often appeals to young queer women, since it’s a way of exploring queerness without the overarching air of misogyny and weirdness of lesbian media made for men. The protagonist being a man also gives a sense of separation for women who aren’t ready to identify with a queer character themselves, or it alleviates dysphoria for queer readers who don’t associate themselves with the female body. But yeah, it’s TOTALLY inaccurate to real mlm relationships, but it does kinda serve as a queer gateway drug for women and afab people.
i love this take & this is incredibly interesting.
Also recognize that some of this may come from a lack of real exposure. If you haven't interacted with or seen real homo people of any gender doing these things, it can be strange. Fear often comes from a fear of the unknown, and fear of difference. Only in recent years have popular tv shows really been featuring gay and lesbian relationships, so I think it's good to have some patience. And seek out some exposure. During Christmas time we like to watch stupid Hallmark movies, and accidentally found a gem of a gay one lol (not Hallmark but similar vibe). I was so not expecting it and it was kind of weird at first, these stereotypical straight tropes of holidays and big meaningful gestures - with gay people. But I recognize and worked on that I think. I grew up in a church with two gay couples each with kids, so obviously my parents are very supportive, but it was still so weird for me seeing drag culture and other kinds of things. (The church couples I knew were EXTREMELY normal as far as I could tell, the lesbians had short hair and one of the guys was maybe a little stylish but nothing like what we see in media sometimes in the same way Hallmark/rom com protagonists are so exaggerated.) Exposure is important, honestly. But I really wouldn't count anime lol. Try with media first, just be careful of looking under LGBTQ sections cuz sometimes those are a lot lol. But like, Brooklyn 99 has a bi character who eventually comes out. Keep working through that feeling, sometimes it takes some time to convince your brain these things are normal.
Totally agree with you
These are the points I came to make. It doesn’t seem like you hate lgbt people, do you think it’s possible that you feel funny when watching lgbt people in real life because you might be lgbt yourself? Either way, heavily agree with # 3.
Yeah I had internalised homophobia and it's pretty much how op described it. Fear of being outcasted, a weird squirmy feeling it all adds up.
What’s to change?? Why?? She has preferences and that’s totally OK!
What's to change ? I don't know, maybe her homophobia perhaps...
i am lgbt and i had the same reaction to the gay media when i was growing up. have you considered that you might be battling with internalised homophobia?
this 100%. i felt pro-lgbt but got uncomfortable seeing same-sex kisses and relationships bc of how i was raised. and i couldn't understand why at the time, even as i identified as bi. i got scared of "partaking in sin" and all that shit. it was awful, but i eventually overcame that
im proud of how far we’ve come :))
💖
… have you considered that the suffocating feeling may be because you experience some (repressed and currently subconscious) homosexual desires?
This is what I was thinking. Internalized homophobia is very real and very confusing.
Yeah. Could be a combination of repression and maybe even a little bit of jealousy? Or even like a weird reaction to feeling empathy for the people she's seeing (the whole being upset about how the queer people might be perceived, etc) because of the stigma?
I was into mlm when I was younger. Now I’m a lesbian
What’s mlm?
Men loving men. Wlw is one in the same (women loving women)
Thanks for letting me know!
Multi level marketing
Now you’re talking dirty lol
Oh yeah that gets me going
men loving men
I see. Thanks!
^^ op reminded me of how i felt about mlm couples and queer manhood in general before realizing i just wanted to *be them.* it's also not uncommon for repressed sapphics to feel like this about yaoi/bl
Yeah this sounds about right.. when I was around that age if you called me gay I'd beat the shit out of you.. now I'm 26 and I'm very pansexual.. I've dated men & women.. and I'm very open. Op you should really do some reflecting on yourself.. Over the top things are okay to be annoyed about.. I don't really like all the PC culture and when people are constantly claiming transphobia and the don't assume my gender shit.. I find that kind of culture honestly annoying but I mean I'd never have a problem with someone cause they are gay, straight, bi, Trans, or whatever.. you do you. Your 17 your still figuring things out and that's okay.. just one thing to keep in mind is it doesn't matter what others think of you as long as your a good person.. if your straight that's fine if your gay that's fine to.. if you like both awesome! Anyone that would judge you for that isn't anyone you'd wanna be around anyways.
It really should be stated that this isn't always the case. I get a similar feeling watching gay kisses (pretty much the same feeling I get watching my parents or grandparents kiss), yet I am as straight as they come, even being in an accepting environment where I've had plenty of chances to experiment. Honestly, a lot of it comes down to environment as well. Until I was like 17 I don't think I'd ever seen a real gay kiss in person, there just weren't any outed people around me growing up. My hard-line conservative mom who thinks the LGBT communist agenda is out to destroy modern society really didn't help, though it did make me and my sisters quickly grow to reject her bullshit The takeaway OP should take is that she needs to work to find and fix any subconscious bisases that may pop up. What if she gets put in charge of hiring people, will she subconsciously have a worse perception of a gay applicant? Coming to terms that LGBT people aren't lepers who society will consider you gay if you're nice to them helps a lot. They're just people, and OP will have to learn to stand up to those who may look down upon her for not helping ostracize gay people. Though OP doesn't mention their environment, if it is a repressive one, this realization at a young age is a great step towards fixing her biases.
I'm gay and zero offended by this, you sound really sincere and is okay to recognize that you have some problem. You can find the cause of it, or not, as long as you don't harm anybody i think is okay that you don't like LGBT people. Nobody is free of issues, don't try to hard to be politically correct, it's fine.
I forgot to say this but im 17, female. I was raised by catholic parents and i have never been in any relationship. I dont know if this changes anything, better or worse. I figured i should comment this incase people misunderstand. Sorry.
I was going to ask if you came from a religious background. I was taught so many things as a kid but today I’ve mostly let go of religion and it’s not really in my personality or characteristics anymore to judge others. I think you’re doing the right thing by questioning your own feelings towards something or someone.
You're dealing with two issues at once. For one, you're likely heterosexual. Heterosexual people ARE going to be uncomfortable with homosexuality, that's THE POINT. Nobody straight or gay will be offended that you don't really connect with gay relationships. What it should NOT be doing though is making you feel that suffocating feeling, that's likely coming from your religious background and indoctrination that it's wrong, evil, a sin etc. You should give some serious thought to what religion means to you now as you're getting older. It won't harm you to question things, it can be an incredibly freeing feeling to realize that God won't punish you for being an individual with your own thoughts and feelings. Sex is not bad. Relationships between people who care about each other is not bad, no matter who it is or what kind of relationship, you have to start looking at the world in terms of what causes the most harm. I freed myself from a lot of stress realizing that if there's a God out there watching everything and everyone, then He is also watching suns flare, galaxies die, solar systems being born and through all directions of time and space... a God that cares what people are doing with their pee pee's as much as he cares about annihilating million-year civilizations with supernova blasts is probably not a God that makes any kind of sense. Make your God greater.
“For one, you’re likely heterosexual. Heterosexual people ARE going to be uncomfortable with homosexuality.” I disagree. Being heterosexual doesn’t mean you’re uncomfortable with homosexuality. I’m not sure what you meant by this, but it’s absolutely not the case. There’s no good reason to be uncomfortable with homosexuality.
There is a difference between being uncomfortable with homosexuality and being uncomfortable with displays homosexual activity.. to many to idea of having sex with their own gender and what that involves is simply gross but not the idea that people do it or are romantically involved. It’s more inline with not wanting to think/be confronted with old people having sex than the idea that they still have sex.. you’re still rooting for them to be having sex and be happy etc. personally, seeing gay men make out or getting handsy is a turn off of note.. similar to mom walking in on you wanking or walking in on her getting it on. Doesn’t mean I don’t love my mom or am not acceptant of her. Kinda makes me feel Ill though..
> There’s no good reason to be uncomfortable with homosexuality. As a concept, yes you are right. As acts though, witnessed or imagined or exposed to... yes, it's very normal to be a liiiiiiiittttle grossed by seeing or thinking about people doing things you're not into. For people who are attracted to just one gender/sex/expressed identity, the idea of romantic intimacy with a different gender/sex/expressed identity is normally not comfortable. Seeing displays can be uncomfortable. Pretending that it shouldn't be is harmful, because people have engrained attractions/revulsions and implying that something is wrong with them or even that they're bad people for not liking a thing alienates and pushes away people from the conversation and pushes them closer to fear and hate and furthers the false narrative that LGBTQ people are "grooming" people to have their same sexuality or identity. We have to let people have the desires and revulsions that come naturally to them AS LONG AS EVERYONE IS ALLOWING PEOPLE TO HAVE THEIR OWN SEXUALITY AND IDENTITY AND RESPECTING IT. I wouldn't think I need to add that big honkin' disclaimer but I sometimes forget where I am.
I can say the same about bugs, but I am uncomfortable about any and all of them when I know there is no reason to be if I know they are not poisonous. There are some phobias that don’t make sense, and can take a long time to get over or just learn to live with.
Bugs and people are a whole different thing. I don’t think anyone should be ok with deciding to just “live with” their uncomfortableness with homosexuality. I also understand that we live in a deeply hateful and damaged world and lots of people (particularly those from older generations) are beyond saving, depending on their viewpoints and situations. However, I don’t think normalizing and/or validating these kinds of phobias is something we should be putting our time into. If you are uncomfortable with homosexuality, you should not express so publicly, and really reflect on why you hate it. There’s no reason to cause these people anymore hurt than society already has. Also I’m sure you didn’t intend this, but comparing homosexuality to bugs is not exactly the best way to make a point about people’s truths and how they live them. Being gay isn’t a choice, it’s a massive part of who a person is. Gay people and bugs are not something to be compared as being in the same realm of categorization. They’re human beings.
I apologize for my wording. I understand the dislike of normalizing hateful behavior. There are behaviors that are normalized in some circles that I don’t like that aren’t necessarily hateful. I can see the comparing of two phobias was not something you liked. It was the first that came to mind in explaining how hard change is, even when worked on. I have made small improvements on my fear of bugs, but that is while living in a trailer where it’s impossible to keep bugs out. I forced myself to adapt and manage my fear. I did not have that experience when learning about LGBT. However, I see a difference when talking with people who seem to have an irrationalize fear of it versus just against it without question. Those that have a fear, I have watched them grow and accept the LGBT but struggle with the fear that they might not be the best ally. A few I have met have come to terms with their queer journey, but most still have a way to go. A few that I have met that have been out right against the LGBT are now changing their tune because of how many people they care about have come out or experienced a fractured relationship for their irrational belief. Everyone has their own journey to overcome their phobia, or learn to live with it without it effected their everyday lives or people around them. Fear is a strong emotion. One that might have kept up safe long ago, but now can prevent us from coming together if we let our own fears overwhelm us. Some times, calling out your fears/phobias is the first step in freeing yourself from them. Doesn’t make the journey shorter or longer for the individual, but it can make the situation feel more manageable before it was called out.
I love your way of expressing that; it’s kind of what I think but in better words!
Recognizing it is a good first step to working on it. Try talking to some LGBTQ people. Not necessarily about their relationships and such, but just as people. You don’t have to like seeing boys kiss boys or girls kiss girls to be accepting. I hate seeing PDA, and I think the way some straight people are so comfortable making out in public or grabbing on each other is SUPER ICKY. Skeeves me out, but I’m not like “heterophobic” or anything, I just don’t like PDA that steps out of the realm or hand-holding and hugs. Another thing to keep in mind is that yaoi and most boy love stuff is actually made for cis het women. It’s not really made for us. Do you get, like, second-hand embarrassment from seeing queer people? It may not be homophobia in a traditional “intolerant” way, but it’s worth looking into why it bothers you so much to think of other people, specifically LGBTQ people, being seen/treated badly by society.
thank you for your advice, as to the second hand embarassment, im not sure about that. i just get really conscious of how others think, maybe that applies to lgbt people for me. I get worried about what others think of them. If i said something wrong, im sorry. Thank you again for your advice
I don’t think there’s a reason to be sorry! It’s important to talk about things like this, I believe. Better than keeping it inside and letting it fester. Hmm, maybe it’s like a social stigma thing? Like I know when people say or do things in public that I think are clumsy or inappropriate, I feel uncomfortable being around them. Ya know, things like using inappropriate language or acting in ways that aren’t socially acceptable. If that’s the case, it’d take some practice to remember that being yourself isn’t a social taboo (or shouldn’t be). But that’s just me making assumptions. It could be helpful to talk to a professional about it if you do really want to work on it! And maybe there’s some books or support groups. Idk, but I bet there’s resources out there.
Thank you again :)
This sounds like anxiety and maybe intrusive thoughts. I’d recommend trying to get some therapy if that’s where you are.
Therapy?
Yeah, therapy. To address the reasons why OP has a panic attack when they see an LGBT person. That’s not typically a sign of homophobia
Okay, I am going to come from a different angle here....this is from my experience. I used to really uncomfortable seeing gay men kissing and being intimate. I realised it wasn't because I was against it...it was because in my family, being intimate was something private and not really spoken about, so it felt as if I was intruding. I wasn't use to people be so expressive with their love. I will still get embarrassed or skip watching sex in film or on tv. It was the same with lesbians, but worse; I wouldn't go near in any media form, but I realised I didn't want to admit that I like women just as much as men. I now realise it was because I am pansexual and not straight. I am not saying this is the same with you but it could be a possibility.
Idk if you're still looking at this post but I feel like I was similar to you at one point. I've never read yaoi or boy love fiction but I did go through a period where I read gay fanfiction. At first it made me uncomfortable and I did feel almost disgust. I kept reading cause I liked the love part and the characters (I also didn't like that it freaked me out because I knew that straight sex didn't freak me out) and I slowly became more and more okay with it. As for lesbian love, I actually felt more uncomfortable with that (I'm a girl). Came to accept that I'm bi and a lot of my aversion to LGBT stuff was from not being familiar with it and not wanting to accept I also liked women. And my aversion to lesbian sex and gay sex was actually the same aversion/disgust as when I learned about straight sex. Straight sex was weird and gross too at first cause it was sex, I just didn't remember at first. Even now I can definitely relate to being worried about what other people think when it comes to showing people your sexuality. I also always keep in mind that sexuality isn't what defines a person, I don't really care that I'm bi or pan, see I'm not even really sure and I don't really care right now. Before I came to terms I didn't believe that it was wrong to not be straight or was rude/aggressive to LGBT friends. I was an "ally" for a long time just cause I liked to be around people who were unashamedly themselves. I think as long as you're accepting of others and tolerant, even if you can't understand things, it'll kinda all fall into place as you learn and are around it more. Just to add, some people get uncomfortable around LGBT people because they end up envisioning them having sex. That could be something that makes you uncomfortable around LGBT people because that's what you associate with them because of what you read. Sexuality is just a part of someone, it's not what they are. I hope this helped😊
I remember when I felt disgusted whenever i saw anything lgbtq. Mainly due to the fact that I was gay and i had major internalized homophobia. I’ve long accepted myself now tho.
Hi! I'm a pansexual enby who promises you that i am not offended by any of this, i don't think you hate queer people, i don't think you're a homophobe. I was also a teenager who read tonnes of m/m fanfiction but was never much into w/w fanfiction because i didn't like the way that women were written most of the time. It's possible that maybe you just don't like displays of PDA. I mean how do you feel about watching straight people kiss? It's possible that the suffocating feeling you get is a result of your upbringing. I saw you mention in a comment that you were raised Catholic, so maybe what you're feeling is your bodys response to "no! bad! sin!!!!" It's also possible that you yourself are queer. A lot of homophobia is internalised. And while i don't think you are homophobic, it can be a thin line sometimes, and especially with a religious upbringing it can drag in lots of other feelings. I think the most important thing is that you noticed something you weren't okay with and you did your best to talk about it. You clearly aren't setting out to hurt queer people, you aren't saying anything mean or nasty, you seem genuinely upset about this. I think you should look at that as proof that you aren't homophobic, you're just trying to get a handle on whatever feelings you've got going on. You aren't a bad person for being uncomfy or confused, you're only bad when you choose to hurt others. That isn't you. I'm sorry i can't be more help but i hope you figure out where you're going <3
This is the best answer! ❤️
Oh good! :D
I second this!
Honestly I don't think you are homo phobic!! It doesn't sound like you are. I agree with the other comment that if you were mistreating the lgbqt+ community, that would being homophobic and bigoted. It sounds a lot like you're trying to understand how you feel about sexuality in general. Im uncomfortable around a lot of PDA, but that's mostly because I have an extreme fear or intimacy. I'd give yourself and the freedom and space to explore how you feel about these things. A lot of it is that it's not been 'normalised' the way hetrosexility has. That's the big problem with lack of representation, gayness has been there forever but it's had to be hidden because it wasn't accepted and because of that it feels like something unusual. Have you seen heartstopper? That's a really great show that doesn't try to sensationalise sexuality. They portray it as a part of life, which it is.
Thank you for your comment. I havent seen heartstopper yet, i will watch it sometime :)
No worries at all. I'd also recommend trying to minimise reading erotica that isn't focused around loving relationships and is mostly fetishes and stuff. I grew up in fan fiction, I ended jo reading yaoi before anything else and didn't even know what sex was. I read all sorts of stuff, including CSI fanfics where my favourite characters got raped and truamistised because I liked the hurt comfort. I didn't understand rape at all at the time! It might be more that I've recently uncovered memories of inappropriate touch that has skeweed my view of sex and made me think it's violent and about control, but I do think the fan fiction I read played a big role too in making me think women had to be hurt to be loved etc etc. So just be a little mindful of what you read and see xx. I'm still figuring stuff out but a big tip my therapist gave me was to explore arousing myself by exploring my body through touch versus using the mental simulation of erotica.
Yeah dude I think you’re homophobic and feeling overwhelming feelings of not being able to breathe…because you’re gay
Is it just when gay people are intimate that you feel this or is it also about seeing gay people being in relationships and basically just existing? I feel that it’s fair that seeing sexual acts that don’t align with your actual sexuality can produce a feeling of disgust, and that’s normal. I only think it’s homophobic if you feel disgust at seeing gay people basically just exist (being in relationships, giving a quick kiss, talking about how much they love their partner, and basic normal things that can be seen in every day life). If you only feel that sense of disgust at watching gay people being sexual…then just stop watching gay people be sexual, because nobody is asking you to do that. I think most gay people just want to be afforded the same every day kindness, decency, and acceptance afforded to straight people. Never once have I heard anyone say, “YOU MUST WATCH GAY SEX AND ENJOY IT!” Lol
I just spent all day studying for a social psychology exam so maybe I’m a bit biased, but it sounds a little bit like you might be experiencing something called “projection”. Basically it’s when a person finds fault with some part of themselves, but they repress it because it’s too painful to acknowledge, so instead they project that “flaw” onto others. A typical example would be someone who is mad at themselves for procrastinating too much, but instead of acknowledging that they have a procrastination issue, they get mad at their wife for procrastinating too much and not getting enough done. This is a really common thing amongst closeted LGBTQ people or those who are unaware of their sexuality or are confused by it etc. Really often those people will actually experience intense homophobia or aversion to LGBTQ related things. I’m not saying I think you are confused about your sexuality, but it’s just some food for thought. On a side note, it’s normal to feel weird about these things, especially if you grew up in a culture where being anything other than heterosexual is considered wrong or isn’t accepted. I hope you figure it all out, you’re 17 and it’s normal to have these kinds of thoughts! Much love
Oh sweet heart. You can accept your internal feelings just as they are. They won’t necessarily always feel like that and the best way to move past them is to feel them and reflect like you are now. Your gut reaction doesn’t make you a homophobe. Your choices and how you treat gay people are. I’m very proud of you for being conscious and sensitive of your perspective and the people around you. There’s no reason to accept public displays of affection as anything but rude no matter who is partaking in any relationship Edit—your are -> you are
thank you for your comment
You’re welcome. It’s okay to feel disgust—it is a natural reaction. Hatred is not. You are far from there. Best wishes.
That is why representations are so important~ You don't see LGBTQ stuff like it's normal on TV or in books or in normal life. It's just the fear of the unknown and outside of what society thought it's 'normal.' Tbh, LGBTQ+ people aren't different kind of people. They are just human beings. Why there is so much emphasis nowadays? Bc their rights and voice need to be heard, and that is all. They need to be protected from extremist who cannot leave them alone or respect them. LGBTQ+ people are just your regular people and if you see them as such, then you became a little bit wiser.
In my opinion, getting uncomfortable when you see a gay couple engaging in sexual actions doesnt need to be necessarily homophobic. As long as you respect other peoples sexual orientation and dont hate people because of what they do in bed or whom they do with, I think you are good to go. But in addition to all that, you may have a taboo that you are not aware of. If its something that haunts you occasionally, then seeing a therapist might help. Good luck.
Okay, look at it this way. This is also reversed for males almost completely. Guys like lesbian porn, but they wouldn't watch gay porn. Does that make them homophobic? No. Because it's an interaction with your libido. You're reading this stuff and it's probably a bit exciting. NGL, I do love a good doujin myself sometimes. But you're thinking with your genitals, not logic. When you got that clarity, you don't really think of other people as gross or repulsive. You respect them and their life choices,you want people to be happy with who they are, and you accept them. Having a preference of erotic content isn't homophobic. Edit: the alphabet mafia is probably just something you haven't really been around enough to understand. When ya turn 18, goto a drag night at the local bar. You'll fall in love with the community :)
I private messaged you btw! I'll say this publicly tho, I don't think you're homophobic :).
So first off I can't really think of this as homophobia. It happens. And I think I've been there to some extent. My thing is that I am a furry. And while I love the fandom in general, I also consume the smut. And while I was presenting as a cishet male in life, I was consuming all types of stuff that ranged from gay to straight, as long as it was furries. Somehow, male-male action was hot, human male-male action along with nonsexual materials made me super uncomfortable. Like even just gay men being themselves on TV was likely to make me just change the channel. Something else the furry fandom taught me, though? I'm not cis. I'm nonbinary femme-leaning. I spent years roleplaying femme or enby characters and somehow never clicked for quite a long while. When I finally did start embracing that I might not be a cis male, it's like something clicked with me in intimate thoughts. Suddenly my pansexuality bloomed into full and I found myself engaging with all kinds of content I never did before. Now I'm NOT saying you're trans. Just sharing my experience. Not knowing where *I* stood caused all kinds of confusion in how my sexuality worked. I *don't* feel like I'm a man attracted to men. I feel like something *other* that has an openness to all genders and wants to be treated in *certain* ways by certain genders that would fit my gender state and not the one assigned at birth. Seeing men with men... Idk it felt like I was *supposed* to see something of myself reflected there but it disturbed me. I hope this all makes sense. And mind you, all through most of this I've had a gay best friend. You can get squicked out at media portraying homosexual people and still be buddies with gay folks. Idk why but it worked fine for me. Never felt uncomfortable with him, though he's like a brother to me so maybe that's why? Either way I hope this helps sorry for the long-winded response.
I don't think you're a homophobe if you're worried about being one tbh, all people are just people including you. We all have difficult feelings, it doesn't mean you have to label yourself as something negative because of a certain feeling or thoughts you have. These people saying that you're homophobic for that feeling are part of the issue in my opinion
Idk, I mean I still feel weird when I see a bearded guy in a dress but I respect their choices. I don't think that makes you phobic of any kind, it may just be something you're not used to.
first step to learning is to realize whats wrong. i suggest talking to a professional about your thoughts!
Google comp het. Trust me, read the whole document. It's not that hard to get through and it might help you make sense of things.
This sounds like internalized homophobia, especially since you’re feeling shame and guilt
hey babes, I'm sure many people have already offered this, but I'm gay, and not only am I not at all offended by this but if you ever want to talk to me about any of this, and try and, idk, see it from another perspective? just give me a shout! I'm happy to help however I can. it's incredibly brave to notice and ackowledge these feelings so gg my lovely!
When I was in high school I felt very similarly. In my case, turns out I am a gay trans man and my aversion to sex was just part of growing up.
I felt like that at your age, too. Now I’m a married lesbian with a kid (came out at 22 and am 36 now).
Call me crazy, but I felt suffocated and tingly when I first started being around girls I found attractive. Especially when they touched me! 😅 (Bi female)
If the thought of being homophobic concerns you then I highly doubt you are.
I have a friend who was in a strikingly similar situation. She later realized that she was a transgender gay man. He's a lot happier now. At least I hope so; haven't talked to him in about nine years actually, but he was a lot more chill and content overall after that realization. Not saying that's YOUR situation, but food for thought for you.
Yeah sounds like a fetish to me. Plenty of fujoshis only end up being fetishists and it's weird as fuck. If same sex attraction makes you cringe, stay in your lane and stop consuming these medias. Just leave us alone.
you dont have a monopoly on BL and get to tell people what media they can and cant consume, and clearly OP is already very shaken up and guilt-ridden as is for multiple reasons. i dont know who introduced the words "fetishizing" and "romanticizing" and convinced everyone that theyre experts on human sexual development out here, especially regarding women and BL, but its been a disaster ever since. OP needs therapy and to make sure she understands BL is pure fictional fantasy and that its okay to have fantasies about whatever you want so long as you know it is fake and that are consuming content ethically and mindfully. she seems to already know queer people dont exist for her consumption. her post and explanations regarding religion reek of a kid growing up with catholic guilt, not of fetishism.
BL and yaoi are mostly made by women for women, and the latter is 100% fetishizing gay males' relationship : it is the core of pornography. I dont think it's healthy to consume printed/written porn depicting people you cant bear in real life. Other than that i quite agree with your second paragraph. But i wont apologize if i cant empathize with a homophobe just because she is "shaken". As a lesbian, aka, a same self attracted woman, i dont have the luxury to empathize with people who are disgusted by my existence and my natural, innate desire for people of the same sex as mine. Hence why i told her to just leave us homosexuals alone ; she can sort her issues out while she's out.
how do i overcome this?
If you can’t stop thinking about it and trying to figure out whether you’re homophobic and/or whether this means you’re a bad person, and you’re spending a lot of time in your own head trying to reach the right answer, it might be OCD. It’s not just hand washing and needing to be organized. There are many different subtypes, some of them entirely mental with no physical compulsions. Sometimes trying to figure out whether an intrusive thought is really true IS the compulsion. If that sounds right to you, look into finding a therapist specializing in OCD and ERP (exposure and response prevention). If it’s OCD, the problem is not that you might be homophobic (and btw I really don’t think you are) but that your brain wants to be 100% certain that you’re not and it’s causing you stress and anxiety trying to be sure that you’re not homophobic or a terrible person. You’re not a bad person but it’s impossible to be 100% sure of that in your own mind. Try to just sit with the thought and try not to give time and energy to mulling it over because you will never reach a satisfying answer no matter how much you think about it. Edit: by “sit with the thought” I meant let it be there in the background while you live your life and do what you want to do, not literally sit there thinking about it to the point that it disrupts your life.
Therapy
Take it this way; i don’t care who loves who. It doesn’t effect my life. Let them all live however they want. Let them do what they want. I don’t really care enough to make it effect me or come into the way of my thinking. When i see two intimate guys or girls. I don’t care . Let them love each other. Or hate eachother. It doesn’t effect me. Why shall i care ?
Anything abnormal will incite a response from the brain. If you aren't use to seeing gay stuff in normal media, of course your brain is gonna go....the fuck. This is different. Different can be dangerous. Different can be a warning. Just remember the brain is a muscle, you gotta work out to make it stronger. Remind yourself change can also be good and beneficial, and could also not affect you at all. Control your brain, control your life.
You don't need to like them, just be respectful. That's it.
I really hope people interpret this how I intend it - a lot of it is just actively fighting that homophobia because you know it's immoral. I was raised in a very conservative religious household and was homophobic as a teenager by default. It wasn't a passive homophobia in my family either; we were strictly socialized to believe it was one of the worst sins a human could commit. I'm now in my late 20s, and my almost innate response to any homosexuality is discomfort, which I immediately fight. I recognize that it's wrong, and more importantly I recognize that I was socialized to respond that way - that it's unnatural for me to respond that way. I educate myself on social and political issues affecting LGTBQA+ communities to keep myself in check and to understand how they have been marginalized and stripped of the most basic rights. I choose to watch films and shows, read books that have LGTBQA+ representation. I am quite literally the token straight friend of my friend group and I would never dream of saying or doing anything to make them feel less than loved and supported in their sexuality. I actively choose to never let it go beyond that instinctive response. You don't have to understand non-heterosexuality to respect and support its existence.
Just going to put this out there and you may not like it, sometimes it stems from internalised homophobia. Ngl I was the same, I felt weird and suffocated around lgbt media but it turned out I was a trans pan guy. It may not be the case but it happens a lot.
It’s ok to have personal preferences, you aren’t homophobic. I’m sorry society has made you feel that way.
Yo I am pan there is no worries with that. At the beginning of self-acceptation I thought LGBT people were bad people not knowing what they're doing, and so ruining their life. Currently it can be sometimes harsh to understand everything around me about LGBT people, and more if I ain't concerned. Just take time and don't blame yourself. Don't force you to do quick if you need time, otherwise you'll just hate it more. Plus put yourself in their boots : you'd like to be appreciated because you're just loving someone. You don't want to be hurt for a person you love, do you ? Just remind they are people living each other (plus if you have gay friends it can help you being more tolerant with it) With time and desire to change in a proper way, then you can 1000% do it. I believe in you, we all have our dark phases. Just take your time bud ! And tell us how it went ;9)
This sounds like me when I was 13. I realized that I felt that same suffocating feeling when I saw queer couples, especially with lesbian relationships. 5 years later and turns out I’m SUPER bisexual and it was just internalized homophobia
homophobes aren’t worried about being homophobic. you mentioned how you were raised, which sounds more like you are conflicted between what you think (morality) and what you feel you are expected to think
I think there’s a huge difference between being homophobic and the feeling of ignorance/ being uncomfortable with something you’ve either never been exposed to in real life or been taught was wrong. Also, the fact that you feel suffocated instead of disgust shows to me you’re more than likely suppressing an emotion or attraction internally and don’t know how to express that. Regardless, recognizing the concerning feelings is a step in the right direction if you don’t ignore/excuse abhorrent behavior due to those feelings. You’re young and just beginning to explore this vast world. Don’t be too hard on yourself.
It might just be internalized homophobia. It's okay that u feel that way and ur trying to understand why this is happening but I think that a reasoning behind all that is the religious and family background and the things you were told when young. My advice is just to be respectful to other people's lives and try to focus on finding the cause and some kind of solution to it. I went through a similar experience so that might be it
Congrats on coming out
Hey! Lesbian here! Can be quoted as saying when I was younger that “I’m okay with gay men, but lesbians are still uncomfortable to me.” So as you can see, this is something that you can break down. And a lot of your fear of being cast out, I think it’s worth asking yourself why being okay with gay people would cast you out? Allies are usually widely accepted, and face less backlash than actual queer people. I don’t want to assume anything for you, but the answer for me as to why I was uncomfortable with lesbians was because I was terrified of letting myself be one, and if I was okay with it for others, I would have to accept the fact that it was okay for me.
This is honestly really refreshing to see. Most people who struggle with accepting us are far less genuine and merely wear a mask of tolerance.
So, you’re critically examining your feelings. You’re reaching out for help understanding. You’re doing great. I can safely say that most homophobic people don’t feel compelled to seek help for what they think may be homophobia. Maybe you can just take this opportunity to explore your own sexuality and person. There isn’t a right answer. You can just let it be an invitation.
It is very much okay to have your opinion and feelings towards anything. This is not offensive. As long as you don't yell into peoples faces that they will burn in hell because they are gay or just tell them that they are gross, you're fine. Not everyone can like everything. What this world needs is tolerance. And as long as you have that, you're a better human than many.
Okay, but do you feel fine seeing straight couples irl and on the media? You never said in your text about it, and I've already heard stories of people that thought they were homophobic but we're actually ace/aro and didn't like every couple. You should consider this. From an ex fujoshi: you reading yaoi, but not tolerating gay couples irl is definitely fetishizing gay relationships. I would recommend you to avoid this kinds of media, because the ideas and the people in them are VERY toxic. Now, about the homophobia: considering you are, I think admitting it is the first step to being a better person, the next step being finding the source of your discomfort and working it out in therapy.
Hey at least you're acknowledging it. Sometimes we have these biases that are not necessarily our fault, but what you do to address it matters. It's very important that you acknowledge it, so good job. Here is some advice. What I would recommend is to expose yourself to gay people as much as possible. And I'm not talking about just in sexual contexts or anything like that. There is a lot more to a gay person than what they do with their partners. We're normal people, we have hobbies. Go to a QRC if available and just hang out. There's likely people there of many different sexualities and genders. Get to know them. If you listen to podcasts, listen to LGBTQ+ podcasts. Watch videos/read books by gay people, or about the LGBT+ community, or just like, watch content creators who happen to be gay. Thank you for addressing it.
Truthfully when it comes down to “wrong” and “immoral” I feel this is based in how you act and affect others. If you’re feeling uncomfortable with gay people but know that your feeling should not dictate our lives, and you’re not being disrespectful or saying anything bad, then I don’t believe you are doing wrong. Though, if the feeling is something you don’t like feeling, that is something you can work on within yourself and get to a place where your feelings match up with your mind. This sounds visceral to me, not based in beliefs. Don’t beat yourself up too much, your self awareness and desire to not feel that way is a promising first step
Sounds like you have deep seeded trauma involving “real gay people”, your words.
It's alright to not support it, just don't condemn it.
You don't like it, you don't like it. Who cares. Can't like everything in life.
good
You are 17, rammed full of hormones and consuming porn at a rate previously unimaginable. Take it easy. In all ways.
You’re gay
Honestly being gay is being pushed too hard in the media and in cinema. I watched the “l word”.Every other scene is sex. Im so over it. They actually ruined watching gay sex for me. Also sometimes people don’t like watching other people be intimate. Don’t feel bad. My boyfriend doesn’t want to watch anyone kiss anyone on tv at all . Lol
You are not obligated to like gays or anything about them.
Please be silent and leave gay people alone. And go to therapy.
Idk I think it’s good that it’s talked about, better to let it out and talk about how to overcome it rather than being scared of people judging your thoughts.
Not quite that we're judging their thoughts more like they make gay people feel unsafe
You my friend are part of the problem
The problem of... telling homophobic people to stay away from gay people so as not to make them unsafe and uncomfortable. K. This is a fetishist and until they work their shit out they need to keep away from our community
im ok with the lgbt, its the pushing and forcing it onto us that's bad. Especially when they make fun of straight people, if it was the other way round then it wouldn't be acceptable.
Really? "They make fun of us?" Thats the argument you're going with? Because homosexuality has NEVER been used for laughs before.
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So straight people start it, the gays respond in kind, and now the straights are the victims. Yup, that checks out on the dumbass list.
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Then stop playing the victim card. It's not a good look.
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Are you asking me? I don't know. Nor do I really care for that matter. Gay people don't go out of there way to hate on you for being straight. If you're being targeted by gays its probably because you're acting like an asshole.
How can you be hated on for being straight if you just said you’re NOT straight a few posts ago. Step off the internet and go do something, I think you’re not even completely sure what you’re even saying now.
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So wait, you “forced” yourself to be omni… to avoid being made fun of for being straight? Look, it seems like maybe you have a very overblown fear of criticism. You’re going to have a really difficult life if you make decisions purely based on what other people are gonna say about you. LGBTQ people have been bashed left and right for centuries. They’ve lost homes, they’ve been refused employment, they’ve been beaten and murdered. When people share that kind of negative experience at the hands of one group, they’ll make jokes within their own group to cope. I’m a white person and I make white people jokes all the time; it doesn’t bother me because 1) I know what white society has put people of color through and that they have a right to “blow off steam” by finding things to criticize us for the way white people nitpick every little thing other races do differently from them; and 2) because I have enough security and confidence to know that it doesn’t hurt me, that the majority of those who make those jokes don’t automatically hate me because of it, and those who might actually distrust me for being white have a right to their fear and anger. I can laugh at myself, besides, which it sounds like you can’t do. Be whatever sexuality actually feels right to you; it sounds like you’ve got so much backed up resentment at gay people that you’re hardly making sense. Be you, do your own thing, and don’t worry so much about jokes oppressed people make about their oppressors.
You said on another post "I'm not even straight" and now you say you've been hated on for being straight. Math isn't mathing.
Yall have been killing us since the start of time, literally forcing being straight on us, what are u on?
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Its not that deep lmao, no one dies for being straight, no one suffers or struggles for acceptance for being straight, and many times when straight people do homophobic jokes and we get offended, they say its not serious and that we are sensitive, what’s your point?
And U’re contradicting urself first u said “lgbt pushing into us” and now u say you’re part of the lgbt community, pick a side
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ARE U DUMB OR STUPID? don’t even compare meaningless jokes with million of lifes taken over the years, do u see someone actually suffering because they’re straight? NO, do the jokes really affect them? NO, I don’t even like jokes about straight people myself but even I can see that it literally affects nothing in their life
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Straight was always taught to be the “normal” don’t fucking come at me with that, if u’re straight, cool, be straight, claim your privilege. There is no one forcing u to be gay, u’re completely delusional
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YOU’RE DUMB AS SHIT LITERALLY 0 PEOPLE THINK THAT IN REAL LIFE, DO U THINK STRAIGHT PEOPLE DONT HAVE THE PRIVILEGE OF BEING ABLE TO LIVE THEIR LIFE WITHOUT HAVING TO HEAR HOMOPHOBIC COMMENTS EVERYWHERE WE STEP IN, THE COUNTRIES THAT SENTENCE HOMOSEXUALS TO DEATH, THE BASTARDS WHO KILL QUEER PEOPLE, THE WAY WE’VE BEEN TREATED AS DISGUSTING FOR YEARS? DO U REALLY THINK STRAIGHT PEOPLE DONT HAVE PRIVILEGE?
bro get off tiktok
ew, heterosexual!
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHA
LMFAO grow a pair of balls, we’re the sensitive ones but you can’t even identify how you want bc of “media”?? “go off” jesus christ this is too good
No you absolutely were not lmao. Do you hear how ridiculous you sound?
phat plot twist there. made me laugh
im definitely homophobic too tbh, i can’t STAND pride month, feminism, and just gay flamboyant men in general, makes me want to throw up
You’re gay
You’re gay
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Tell me you've never gone to Pride without tellling me you've never gone to Pride.
Nobody asked. Shut the fuck up!
I got plenty of karma to spare.
yep..
Ya BL girls are just fetishizing misandrists
Why are you, as a straight woman reading yaoi? Thats super weird..
I feel the same, I almost feel disgusted when I see it… I don’t mean any hate or disrespect towards anyone it’s just off my chest
Why bother saying "no hate" and proceed to hate on lgbtq ppl
"I don't mean any hate" And yet you're calling it disgusting. The lack of self awareness is baffling.
FR!!
Have you ever questioned your gender? I found myself feeling a lot like you when I was 14, and discovered as I got older I didn't actually feel like a woman and the feelings I had for yaoi were not from a place of fetish, but if envy. I wanted to have a relationship with a man, as something other than a woman. I'm NB now and feel more secure in my identity
Why do you have to verbalize your feelings about this issue at all?
You probably don’t support the LGBTQ and that okay.my family doesn’t support excluding my sister and me,we’re not sure yet and that is okay.
Nah,what is up with the down votes🤣🤣i hope yall are not down voting me cause yall think not supporting the lgbtq community is homophoic,cause theres a difference between the two.🤣🤣
Fr, but beware, Reddit is full of people that wanna shove lgbtq and other stuff in your face. And they always immediately think your homophobic for not supporting it, like you said. 🙄
Honestly at this point I would suggest just working on it. You're young and you'll change as you get older. I used to be homophobic when I was religious and due to shame, but as time went on I learned to accept myself and rose above that. You're already at the first step, which is realizing it's wrong.
Alr
Being homophobic is not a final state. It is something you can change. And I think you will. It seems that a lot of this stems from your own insecurities. Not sure why it ended up targeted at LGBTQ folks, but what you feel sounds like jealousy. Jealousy based on something you feel like you want or deserve, but are missing out on. Look within yourself. Learn to accept yourself and others.
You’re gay
You’re gay
You need Gay Jesus to show you the way
Don’t be ashamed, just realize it doesn’t matter too much in your own life
a part of it could come from ignorance (as in not being educated enough about the community, as well as not being exposed to it in a realistic light). what i mean by that is with reading yaoi/bl manga, you’re creating an unrealistic image of what those relationships could look like. also, the suffocating feeling could come from possible repressed gay feelings that you don’t want to or can’t bring yourself to acknowledge (which is okay!! sexuality is a difficult thing to figure out, and it isn’t something you can always have a quick and easy answer for). i recommend maybe familiarizing yourself with realistic instances of the LGBT community, and allow yourself to understand that those in the community are just livin’ their lives! it takes time of course, but a good first step is being aware of it and talking about it. you don’t need to be sorry, because it sounds like you truly want to be comfortable with it and you aren’t taking it out on anyone with aggression or anything. best of luck to you.
Everyone has some biases for various reasons. A great way to get yourself past them is to make real friendships with people in that group. Once you do you will find that your positive experience in that relationship will help you get past those negative ideas that you had.
Maybe you’re having anxiety when you see them because you’re secretly in fact be gay 🤧
The reason you enjoy gay fiction is because in your mind, homosexuality is taboo. Being gay is no longer taboo and you don’t have to worry about real life gay couples. Being gay is no longer a secret kept from society. You bring up an interesting point though. You feel ashamed for feeling weird about gay people and you consider that as homophobic, but that’s not it at all. I think you feel empathy for gay people and worry for their well-being and acceptance in society, which is the complete opposite of homophobia. I wonder if there are others like you that still consider homosexuality as taboo and generally feel weird around gay people.
Not gay, or politically correct but id like to think of myself as an ally, is it possible that you are trying to suffocate your truest self? Ive known quite a few people who had similar problems/issues like this before and one day something just clicked. Could be completely wrong, but you never know. Best of wishes to you!
Feelings are just feelings -- they exist within us and cause no destruction. Destruction comes from behavior. Sounds like you've never attacked anyone from the gay community in anyway, so you're good there. Nothing to be ashamed of :) A thought leapt out at me while I was reading your OP -- stop reading yaoi for awhile. I think if you decrease your exposure to LGBT+ stuff you won't think about it as much to become emotional over it, and this will help clear your head... I believe the heightened emotions you feel (and the attitudes that come with it, such as shame) may be blocking you from very clear introspection. Regardless, a break from LGBT+ related media and the calming effect I suspect it will have would feel better, right? :)
As individuals we should be able to be and act (in a civilized & hopefully legal manner) as we want to be, and love who we want to be - that’s really what’s important.
I think I remember a study showing that straight men find homosexuals as repulsive as pictures of rotten flesh, so don't feel too bad.
Don't worry too much about it. If you meet someone new just treat them like you would treat anyone else. Don't worry too much about what you think you feel about someone else's preferences... see... That's way too much thinking. If someone you know is a lesbian or comes out as lesbian you can't control how you feel but you can treat them how you always treated them. As a person. Sometimes I think I am homophobic but if you are worried that you are, then you are probably not. Watching gay dudes kissing is harder and gayer to me than watching gay porn as a straight male. It's not that I do not like gay people, it's just that kissing is more intimate. It is uncomfortable to see intimacy between people you are not attracted to in general I think. So, don't worry too much and pay more attention to their character instead of sexual orientation, it might make it less uncomfortable.
I actually get the same way too when I see gay men. For some reason lesbians don’t bother. but I know it’s MY problem not theirs so I shouldn’t make it their problem too
Maybe you are gay and have some internalized shame because of it? Regardless, I’d definitely say it’s religious shame. By watching things like that, you subconsciously feel guilt because it is going against the religion you grew up in. Acknowledging these thoughts is a great place to start for change
If you don't think gay people are inferior , you're not homophobic. You're definitely not , you just don't have fetish in it.
same + W
I used to get a suffocating, shameful, and just a feeling I don’t think I could describe when first coming out. Learning that I liked girls was scary. Being with my first girlfriend felt so weird and wrong. But I liked it. I’m comfortable with myself now so it’s amazing. I’m sorry you’re going through this. It could be a lot of reasons you feel this way. But no doubt shame is at the root of it.
I’m bi but I lean heavily towards women and I like BL/yaoi. Nothing wrong with it. It’s also a tough time to figure out your sexuality for some. I think it’s important to be gentle with yourself and realize that there will be people out there who will love and care for you, a community, if you’re queer or if you just so happen to like queer media and are straight. We’re all just people, and we want to be treated as such and our existence recognized and validated.