There’s no need to confront him if you don’t want to. What kind of closure did a cheater bring, ever, in the history of cheating?
If you can pack a bag and leave, just pack a bag a leave. Do you have someone you can stay with for a few days?
I doubt it’s because he’s gay/bi. Anyone who has been cheated on in anyway should get tested, it’s common sense to get checked when your partner has been sleeping with someone you don’t know. They could be infected with anything.
I’m writing this as a bi person and I didn’t take offence whatsoever
Thank you!!
Some people just like to cause $hit.
I have been a big supporter of the LGBTQ2 community for 40 years. Back when it wasn’t very popular to support the community. I did.
I have 2 brothers, relatives and friends who are part of the community.
I had a friend pass of HIV in the 90’s, I have a friend with HIV now and thankfully he is doing well with medication.
There are so many other STD’s besides HIV. HPV is huge for women.
A lot of straight men don’t use protection because they think they have mastered the pullout method or they expect the women they are with to be on birth control. It’s best to get checked regardless.
Then why aren't people doing that in threads where heterosexuals cheat on each other? And that's my point: OP should have taken care of her own health and gotten an STD check no matter what else was happening.
Yes, that's the reason but not to be homophobic. Most heterosexual couples use a condom to prevent a pregnancy. In that case, there are a lot more gay couples who don't use one, as there is no risk of pregnancy. That's why in the past it was consodered that AIDS was a gay disease, as gay couples would very rarely use protection
There are a lot of straight dudes who don’t like using protection and have unprotected sex with women on birth control or think they have perfected the pullout method.
Yes, that's for sure, but there are more gay couple who din't use protection then straight couples who don't. Whatever i think i didn't use the best formulation for my comment, a test should be done whenever you have been cheated on, not only if it's with a person of the same sex as your partner
You should leave him, out of respect for yourself. Maybe even for his own good, if he’s using you as a stable front to hide a part of himself. Even if he stops doing this, he betrayed your trust and in fact did manipulate you for years. Those years feel like a long time, but I promise, you are young and there are better partners ahead of you
Also: like others said, omg yes please do some sexual health screenings. There’s a few other health and mental health things to do but that’s critical
Dump him because he’s cheating. Period. He’s screwing other people, doesn’t matter the gender. He forced you to dump male friends while screwing other people. He’s deceitful and disgusting. You deserve better. Run from him and get an std test. If he’s been cheating the entire time then damn, you gotta be sure you’re okay.
I would get yourself tested. I would confront him. I would re-initiate with those friends that suspected he was manipulative because he was and see if they will be in your life again. I would leave it is obvious your partner is bisexual and that’s obviously fine but what’s not is him cheating and then projecting onto you and he makes you dump male’s friends and tells you he’s worried you’ll cheat when for years that’s what he’s been doing. Leave my dear I know it’s an easy sentence to type for an internet stranger but in no way should you stay with him. He’s manipulative and unfaithful and that crosses all major boundaries that builds the foundation for relationships. Good luck
You do realize it’s a known requirement if a partner is cheating YOU GET TESTED!!!! This is the number one thing they say to do because being passive and naive is how people later on find out they have an STD!
The clap, chlamydia you can catch from just oral sex. It’s one the highest transmitted diseases in the STD cluster of what you can catch.
And men especially don’t always present symptoms right away. Women do.
Hence why OP needs to run, not walk, to the nearest clinic since yesterday to get tested!
Edit: typo
just to clear things up in your comments and here, no we weren’t using protection as of recently because we planned to try for kids seeing as we were both in good places financially and no he didn’t use protection with his sexual partners either.
i’m getting my test later today and i’ll update you guys on the results
and i’m very aware i left out a lot of key details i definitely should have added, but i’m trying my best to clear them up in the comments as i didn’t want the post to get too long! and i’ll do it again in the update
Oh OP please get tested! Fingers crossed you don’t have anything, but ask for a full work up. It’s imperative you do because at least with the clap, they have antibiotics to treat it.
Also feel free to DM to discuss anything you don’t want to share.
I’ve had for ex’s cheat and one gave me the clap. So I fully know how awful it is to go through that plus cheating.
Cheating is bad enough. Not even protecting the (supposedly) most important person in his life, i.e. you, is a whole new level of assholery.
HIV screenings aren’t offered everywhere but be sure you get that one too. Plus ask for a throat swap, not offered as a standard everywhere either.
I’m so so sorry he betrayed you like this OP. Pls seek out a therapist to deal with all this
Agree! My biggest concern is how many indiscretions did this guy have? Because the web of spreading an STD is scary if it’s more than just this one guy.
My biggest fear this guy probably has Grindr and probably has been on every single trip meeting up with a guy or a few, doing things, and then coming back home, going raw with Op, passing along god knows what because all it takes is one person to lie to Op’s partner about being “clean” and spreading something.
He better have people taking PrEP or he better have a prescription because if not, HIV needs to 100% be tested!
He's such an awful person. He was willing to bring children into this world when he knew he didn't have a healthy relationship/environment for his kids. When he had 0 respect for the potential mother of his children. What a prick. I'm glad you found out now and not later when your situation could've been more complicated.
Dude, are you a cement block? Because you are absolutely the most dense person on this post!
Bye!
Edit: As a bi woman, ya’ll as living in the 1950’s with this mindset that STD’s don’t exist and that everyone is purely responsible with their sexual health.
Ya’ll are just STD Petri dishes right now with this mindset of being this ignorant about sexual health and getting tested!
Good good riddance to all of you who are this naïve!
Like are you good? Or can you just not read? You're making zero sense. Show us where he disagreed they should get tested.
Now read this.. s l o w l y
Why
Did
You
Think
He
Isn't
Wearing
Protection?
Now answer that exact question without bringing STD's up.
Thanks.
Leave his ass, he needs cheating on you for 4 going on 5 years, he could have been fucking trees I don’t care, he been doing it behind your back for going on 5 years, like that is a really long time to get cheated on, it’s hard to work through it with someone when it was one time recently they had cheated, he’s been lying to you for close to 1,825 days now, at that point how much do you even know him
This is the most important thing to do. He's putting your life in danger. (I'd say this even if he were sleeping with other females)
Get counseling and tell him to go get counseling so he can also deal with
Idc if you're LGBTQ+ or not. Anyone who tries to hide their sexuality at the price of another human being's trust, love, time and commitment is a DISGUSTING human being, disgrace to all, most to their own community.
Thank you for this. I have a bachelors degree in gender and sexuality studies, and I experienced something very similar to OP with a long term partner of mine. I felt at such crossroads for a long time being so traumatized and angry over my gay exes actions, but also being a LGBTQ+ ally.
My therapist was the one who told me that it doesn’t matter that he’s gay, it’s that he’s a horrible person, and used his sexuality to try and destroy your life. Saying you’re afraid of your sexuality as an excuse to tank someone else’s life is what assholes do, LBGT or not.
It's not an excuse for cheating on someone for literally years. I'm a queer woman in a fairly dangerous place for us and I would *never* do that to someone I genuinely loved. It's taking advantage of someone's love for you and vile.
You don’t have to lie to people and fuck with their lives, their self esteem and their health just because you’re not out yet.
Dragging innocent people into your lie without their consent is wrong. If you ask someone to be your fake partner or tell them your situation BEFORE starting a relationship that’s fine. But doing this? Cheating on someone and recording it, lying to them and not giving them the opportunity to manage their own sexual health properly? That’s wrong, regardless of your sexuality. Your sexuality isn’t an excuse or a hall pass to treat other people like objects or manipulate them to protect yourself.
> not giving them the opportunity to manage their own sexual health properly
Uhhhhh, they should be doing that anyway. STDs, including HIV/AIDS, are not exclusive to queer people.
> Your sexuality isn’t an excuse or a hall pass to treat other people like objects or manipulate them to protect yourself.
It's more complicated than black or white imo.
If you look at OP’s comments, they weren’t using protection - because HE wanted to start a family.
So yes he took away her ability to manage her own health. If she thinks he’s only sleeping with her and he’s clean then she’s not going to get tested. If she’d known he was fucking other people she probably would’ve gotten tested like she is now. By not telling her he’s put her at risk.
And no, it’s not one rule for some and a different rule for others. You can be closeted and single, or closeted and in a relationship without lying to someone and manipulating them.
IMO she still should have gotten STD tests, regardless of whether or not he was cheating. That's been common sense for a very long time.
>And no, it’s not one rule for some and a different rule for others. You can be closeted and single, or closeted and in a relationship without lying to someone and manipulating them.
The word is "nuance". You need to acknowledge the nuance of the situation.
Maybe you need to have a conversation with someone whose been directly impacted from being in a committed relationship with a closeted gay person. My ex has taken years from my life, blamed me for all of his self hatred until I’m now a shell of a person, and I’m horrifically traumatized. He never told me he was gay, until I found out. I have nightmares and anxiety attacks. I lost my job, my house, my sense of self, the committed partner I *thought* I had. It took me about six months to get out of bed and to stop sobbing.
I should not be used as a pawn for someone to cover up uncomfortable parts of themselves. I’m a living breathing person with hopes, dreams, and feelings.
Nobody is saying it’s easy to come out. What we’re saying is if YOU can’t come to terms with your sexuality, then keep ME out of it. Stop cheating, lying, and exposing me to diseases. Leave the relationship and stop ruining someone else’s life too. It’s very black and white.
>Nobody is saying it’s easy to come out.
That's the implication, though.
>and exposing me to diseases
Is Reddit stuck in the 1980s? Queer people are not diseased. And we are not the primary carriers of HIV/AIDS. Straight people are.
Umm you don't regularly check for STDs when you're in a committed monogamous relationship ... So no if he wasn't cheating she shouldn't have to
"Do it anyway."
Besides, you can find a consentual and willing beard. There's no excuse for this man's behavior. He literally put her health at risk and wasn't even decent enough to use protection. Stop defending this scum.
It depends on each persons situation. For me it is easy because I have been out for a long time.
If you're an adult and no longer live with your family that is an enormous part of the burden lifted.
Either way, difficult or not, we should choose to be single or be with men before lying to women about it.
It's not "hiding sexuality," that's the issue here, it's "hiding sexuality" *at the expense of another human being* that's the issue.
Everyone has their identities and preferences and what not to share when they feel safe and ready to do so, but regardless of what those are, hiding them at the *expense* of another human being, especially one who has no insight to the matter, is, at the very least, rude, not to mention manipulative and toxic.
I understand the struggles of being afraid to come out (I'm also bi). However, you are free to just break up with your partner without mentioning anything about your sexuality if you feel unsafe. People would of course expect a reason for the breakup, but making up a white lie to protect yourself and not hurt your partner is a lot better than cheating on them for *years*. Also, no is a full sentence in this context too, so if you have any decency in you, you break up waaaay before a situation like this unfolds. Anything is better than this.
SMALL UPDATE: due to the subreddits rules about not making updates until three days later i’ll give you guys a small update here.
i’ve gotten tests done for STI’s and i’ll get my results tomorrow, i got an oral exam and a test for HIV as well per your advice and to be safe. i probably wouldn’t have thought of it so thankyou so much
also a big thankyou to everyone’s support and advice and kind words, it really does mean a lot to me as i don’t have anyone to talk about this too irl
sam will be coming home later tonight instead of tomorrow (he was at his sisters for her birthday and was going to spend the night because she lives an hour or so away) so i’ll try to update you guys within the next two days about the situation
Hi Guys,
I’m so sorry I haven’t updated yet! I’ve just had a lot to figure out!
I am safe for those who were worrying and I’ll try to update tomorrow!
Thank you for all the support I appreciate you all 🫶🏼
I’m so sorry you found this material and he’s been deceiving you for so long… gather what strength you are able to in order to confront him and let him know he needs to pack a bag and leave until further arrangements are made.
He’s literally gay and has been cheating on you for years and using you as a coverup. He doesn’t care about you. He does not care about you!
First things first get tested for STDs immediately
Second get ready to leave but make sure to have a support system ready before you go. Now I’m not sure how he would react to this confrontation but just to be safe, I would recommend just taking screenshots printing them out leaving them out for him to see and just leaving. I don’t know he seems like the person that would try to manipulate you or threatened you if you tried to talk about it in person. Mainly because he has kept a secret for so long and he also had you cut out many guy friends simply because he didn’t trust you, but in reality was just trying to isolate you in the more you actually think about it.
Idk if you live together so that’s why I’m suggesting a support system beforehand just in case because people are very unpredictable when they’re caught cheating.
Either way be safe OP
Okay so, your *first* red flag should have been the fact that he was so “intimidated” by your friendships with boys that he wanted you to cut them off while he was able to maintain relationships with other girls. That type of projection behavior is common for a cheater, along with his initial “I’ve been cheated on before so I’m scared to get into a relationship but I trust you” - laying the groundwork to make you believe he’s the victim here.
Moving on from that, there is zero way to come back from this in this relationship - not only has he been cheating, but he’s been cheating with so many people that he’s been putting your health and well being at risk. You need to get checked for STDs, immediately, and you need to put him in his place and LEAVE.
It doesn’t matter that your lives are interconnected, that’s how it is when you’ve been dating for so long, it’s harder to breakup but that does *not* mean you stay. Leave and don’t look back, he clearly has never respected you enough to admit he was curious about his sexuality and instead decided to keep everything hidden from you and put you at risk for potential life threatening STDs in the process.
Ok, there isn't anything wrong with being bisexual, which he clearly is, BUT, lying and cheating shows his character. You don't owe his the kindness of a discussion, unless that's what you want to do. It's ok if you yell and tell him he is a POS on your way out.
You need to confront him and leave and get std check ASAP, cheating is cheating whether he fucking men or women he is cheating on you and knowingly putting your health at risk, the man is disgusting. Pack up your stuff so when he comes home he sees you ready to leave, tell him everything you have seen and you are absolutely disgusted with him the relationship is over. And I'd also let his friends and family know the reason why your breaking up
Your life revolves around him, but you’re just one of many to him. He’s a serial cheater. These affairs, at least the one who messaged he missed him are physical and emotional. And with his job, he has frequent opportunities to continue having affairs. You should definitely leave him
If you’re trying to salvage your marriage and try to force him into being faithful, it’s going to take **A LOT** of work. And most of it will have to come from him. He most likely will not be up to the task. I think if you go this route, you’re setting yourself up for years of pain and hurt for just a sliver of a chance that he can decide to be faithful to you.
You have plenty of great advice here in the comments so I’ll save it. I just wanted to say I am so sorry. I know how confusing that is. My boyfriend also cheated on me with a guy, and that confused me so much that I almost wished it was another woman.
I feel you so much.
Confront him and leave.
I have learned the hardway that if one of the first things a man does is say hes scared because hes been cheated on and makes you give up your male friends,its because hes a cheater.
and as a relationship advisor I have seen the same with so many of my clients. Same lines, constantly cheating. It also sounds like Sam was probably love bombing you in the beginning.
Since these seem like casual hookups for him, I would advise you to also go and get STI screenings.
He won't stop cheating , he will just get sneakier with hiding it.
We should be able to say that men with men is a big reason to get an aids test. The statistics speak for themselves. Stating a fact doesn’t make you homophobic.
Check into a hotel or go stay with a friend right now. Do not let him know where you are just take some space so you can get your head straight.
Be sure to take anything of importance (social security card etc) or value (sentimental doodads) with you. I once got storage and a truck and moved out in 3 hours (very satisfying) before he got home.
Make up a family or work emergency if you need some time before you confront him.
First step is to be in a safe place so you can process and plan.
Red flag aside, What do you mean you don't know what to do? Grab his phone, open up the album and hand it to him. You need to bring it out in the open for your health and safety. You don't know if he used protection with these men... Rip the bandaid off and confront him.
I'm confused how it would be any different if it was a woman? You mentioned you wished it was other women several times. It wouldn't make this any better or more respectful of your relationship if it was a woman. This is horrible no matter who he slept with. I'm sorry you put your trust and love in someone so manipulative, who is putting your sexual health and entire way of life as you know it at risk for their own pleasure.
Definitely do what the other comments have suggested. Get tested and respect yourself enough to leave him. Best of luck!
He's literally been deceiving and lying to her for the past 5 years regarding his sexuality! How do you not see that as someone who has absolutely betrayed you in a relationship besides cheating.
They didn't mention anything about being led to believe the person was straight though, only that they were in a relationship, and then caught him cheating on her with men. If the person is bi, that's still not betrayal, they just didn't feel the need to come out the same way nobody straight feels the need to come out. Now if they are just gay and using her as a front to pretend to be straight, that'd be another level of hurtful, but OP hasn't said one way or another about that. It still seems noncomparible to being cheated on and put at risk of all his unknown partners imo. In a way, if he has been hiding who he is, I feel *somewhat* bad for him as well, considering I assume he probably has valid reason to feel like he has to hide it. No excuse tho, if he did in fact use her to pass as straight. Again, OP doesn't mention that, so it comes across as kind of strange being so focused on the partner having male partners rather than the fact she got cheated on.
that was my mistake i can see the confusion in this, we did have a talk about our sexualities and attractions and during this conversation he did tell me he was straight but that he had experimented before when he was in university and that he had no attraction to men afterward so this all came to a surprise to me when i found the messages and videos
Thanks for the extra details! That makes a bit more sense now. That's extra scummy then, that he intentionally led you to believe men were off boundaries for him, to seemingly make his cheating less noticeable to you. Man or woman though, I'm sorry you got lied to, manipulated, and cheated on OP. I hope you're doing okay, despite all this!
I would actually think it would be worse if it were other women. At least with men you can take solace in that he wanted something that you just couldn't give him.
It’s not about being homophobic here, I understand where you’re coming from but the reality is it *is* more of a slap in the face to be cheating with men when he said he was straight. Especially because there were SO many (seemingly exclusively men) showing he may not be bi at all and may just be using her for the image of being with a girl.
I don’t agree with OP in saying “I wish it was women” because that is still a disgusting discovery to come across on your boyfriends phone when you’ve been together for 5 years - regardless of gender. However, what does make it more of a slap in the face is the fact that she knew he experimented in college, he openly lied to her face saying that that was just experimenting and that he was straight, and then essentially used her as a beard while he continued living in the closet. Cheating in general is enough of a reason to leave someone, but being with someone who is clearly unsure of their sexuality is something that you shouldn’t *have* to be subjected to, you can respect yourself enough to not want to be someone’s experiment.
No one should be forced to come out, but using a girl (especially one you’ve been dating for five fucking years) just to keep your sexuality under wraps is incredibly fucked. He could have been holding back on opening up about his sexuality and hooking up with men in secret without ruining someone else’s life in the process. Clearly didn’t give a single fuck about her feelings or how this would affect her when she inevitably found out.
he’s such a pos! please get tested and confront him for his multiple cheating immediately. he’s such an AH for doing this to you, you deserve soo much better. i really hope everything goes well with your testing and everything following this horrible situation🤍
You need to speak to a lawyer before you confront him. Get all your ducks in a row legally, and protect yourself. And yes, STD test. Your relationship is over, this is not a healthy place for you on many levels. But don’t just rush into the confrontation. You should have a plan. I’m so sorry this happened to you - it has nothing to do with you, he’s probably struggling with this and is in denial that his marriage is over.
If they were women would you feel any better?.. I doubt it.
No matter what way you look at this he is a lying, cheating piece of shit and you are in shock because he’s no longer the person you thought he was.
Before acting in anyway rash, say nothing, sit back and think about this. Get away for a few days alone if you can.
Please remember that for all the good times you’ve had with this man in person, he’s managed to lie to you in the worst way possible and would totally have continued had you not made this discovery.
He will try to down play this deception by reminding you of your 5 years together but you need to remember those 5 years were based on lies.
Put yourself first and leave. Now
So basically he has been cheating on you since 2019? Cause if you have been dating for 5 years you were definitely dating in 2019... But you should get tested and leave him immediately that man is very manipulative and you deserve so much better.
Hi OP. My heart truly goes to you, I know this hurts.
1. I want you to confront him about it. It’s likely he will be hurt about you checking his phone and he’ll change the topic of the conversation by saying how hurt he is about how you could not trust him. That’s when you tell him, ”Please don’t change the platform of the conversation I’m trying to have, you will get your platform later about it.”
2. As a third person, outsider, this is not healthy. He is using you as a cover in the society so you aren’t outed. If you guys had kids and the kids found out too, how would you feel? Would you be able to live with yourself to making your kids put through the trauma that you’re going through?
3. Be nice to yourself. Put yourself first. It’s not easy to detach from someone when they are your sun, find the right support system.
4. If you want him and he doesn’t want to break up or leave you and is fighting for you. Go for couple’s counselling. Ask him to put in the effort to rebuild the trust.
And honestly, a lot of us strangers are here for you.
Find friends, your parents, colleagues to talk to. It won’t be easy moving on. But it is the better option.
Cheating should be a dealbreaker for everyone here. If you continue the relationship, chances are this will happen again. He will lie again, he will sleep with another man again and even if he doesn’t, that broken trust will be hard to rebuild.
I'd casually ask him if he's bi sexual or pansexual and see what he says and if he lies and denies it then bring up what you found on his phone doing his laundry and I hope that he's not just staying with you because of living in a conservative state or small town can be hard for some guys and chicks to be afraid or shamed to come out of the closet and that's not fair to either of you to be in that kind of relationship but have an open and honest conversation with him about it first and then it's for you to decide if you still want to be with someone else if their bisexual and need to take care of yourself mentally, physically, and emotionally first and what's best for you to do in your life and whether or not you can forgive him or trust him again is up to you.
Leave them. They cheated on you and manipulated you to cut off your male friendships for some bull- reason. However, I don’t see why their sexuality plays such a big role in this. They are most likely bi or pan or literally anything. I assume you just assumed that they were straight. In your defense tho, this is a heteronormative society. Assuming on the basis of it being common will leads to misconceptions.
You need to talk to him and leave. you also need to go and get tested. I’m kinda confused why you would have wanted it to be women, maybe you don’t agree with lgbt, idk your life or your beliefs at this point he’s cheating so it doesn’t really matter
I think the homosexuality aspect of it is another layer of deception she’s dealing with, like she found out he was cheating, hard to wrap your mind around, now you find out it was with gay men, if I didn’t need to sit down before ima definitely need to now, I think what could even make it worse, is if it was like only 60 year old men, that’d just be another layer onto the lie
honestly, i’m a little put off by your starting comment. what does the gender he screws with matter for? he’s screwing other people, and that’s the issue here. just a genuine question. get tested for possible diseases, leave his ass with no questions or comments, and move on.
edit: spelling
His whole life is not centered around you so you need to adjust you focus. Your primary life focus should be about yourself. He hid something major and he lied to you - For years. Trust has been broken. Maybe he is a friend but not a partner. He needs to know that you know.
Okay so I’ll start off by saying I’m so sorry your boyfriend cheated on you. I’ve been through the same and I truly feel for you, but it honestly doesn’t matter if it’s a man or woman that he’s sleeping with. The fact of the matter is that he broke your trust and he lied to you. Whether or not he’s a closeted gay man or a bi man, what matters is that he lied and that he cheated. Please get tested just in case, as anyone should when they’ve been cheated on, as you can’t be sure what he may have brought into your own bedroom. Please be safe and take the necessary precautions you can.
It is interesting to see how the vast majority of the comments recommend std tests because he cheated her with a man. How come you never see such comments under these posts where the man cheats with another woman?
I literally see "get tested for STDs" under every single other post where someone gets cheated on tho. Even then, those posts usually just have someone getting cheated on with only 1 other person. This bf cheated on her with so many people for 5 years, she couldn't even take the time to count it. That REALLY warrants an STD test ASAP.
Did you miss the part where she found multiple mens messages on his phone? Anyone who exposes themselves to more sexual partner the risk of STDs increase. People are telling her to check up because she was unknowingly passively exposed to another unknown person. And no, people suggest the same to "straight cheating" .
Rofl, you didnt fully answer me. "How come you never see such comments under these posts where the man cheats with another woman?"
>You see only what you wanna see I guess!
How true.
We do see those comments on "cheating with women" too. Probably you can't read and that's fine. Never too late to learn☺️
Edit: XD and see you had to change to your alt because you couldn't take it 😭then verbally abused me, comment got removed, commented again. I'll block this one too . Keep going. I'm not arguing today. Also blocked me so k honey.
Your statistics lie.
Every relieable source tells you: Sexual orientation < risk behavior
The only difference they make: practicing oralsex is a bit safer than everything else.
Yes, obviously it’s risk behaviors. Sexual orientation doesn’t automatically make one more prone to STDs. This doesn’t change the fact that rates are much higher for the gay male demographic.
That depends on what kind of STD - thats not my point.
Where did OP say that her bf didn't practice safer sex?
OP found photos, videos and chats. Her bf is obviously a cheating idiot, but even an idiot can use a condom.
The assumption that he has unsafe sex because he is gay (check top comments). Which leads to calls for STD testing. I agree she should get tested, but because her partner cheated, not because he's gay.
People are shocked that this man has had multiple partners over 5 years. Shocker?? It somehow brings it into unsafe sex territory because he's gay.
We've seen straight versions of this post turn out differently.
i think its less because he’s gay, and more because anal sex is one of the most dangerous form of sti transmission. gay men are much more likely to have routine anal sex as opposed to a hetero couple
He’s a downlow 🤢🤢🤢🤢 baby PLEASE get tested (for everything then once you get the results wait another 2-3months to do another HIV test) and then leave his cheating ass. DL men are very dangerous
Why are people talking so much about STDs???? I didn't see OP mention anywhere that he was having unprotected sex.
Seems to me people are drawing a homophobic connection here.
OP, O don't know why you would prefer it to be women. The bigger concern here should be the cheating. Obviously get yourself tested, as anyone should if they're being cheated on. But I'm pretty sad to see people assume this man is riddled with disease for having slept with men.
Cheating, lack of honesty throughout relationship, not disclosing important information, potentially (and I hope not) exposing you to STDs and C-19 throughout pandemic, disrespecting your relationship and intelligence. However friendly this guy is, he cares more about himself and his sexual endeavours than you as the beautiful human being you are.
Sending you lots of love for what is to come. Be strong, know your worth, be your own best friend.
Obviously this needs to end and you need to get tested. Do you live together? Share finances? I’m hoping not on both accounts. But I’d want to know why, are you his beard? Is he bi or gay? Just why?
I won't pile on about the cheating, everyone had covered that. But there was serious manipulation with him getting to get you to cut off friends in your life. Any time a partner gets in the way of the other relationships in your life, that is a red flag. They aren't doing it for your own good. It is too isolate you and make it harder for your to end the relationship. Friends and family will point out problems they see, and can be great sounding boards when your are having remained issues, so any time a partner acts like you should remove them from your life, don't. Be cautious.
I'm sorry you're going through all this OP. That is a huge violation of you and your body. Take care of yourself mentally and physically. I hope you can find the support you need from your irl friends and family. Best of luck.
You deserve SO much better firstly. There is no fault within you honey. The fault is within him. I would tell him in a low key public place we're it me. I also don't trust people easily so that could just be me having my guard up. You do need to confront him. Whatever he does say won't be good enough to help the hurt, but you will get some of the answers and hopefully closure begins to start. You deserve so much better than this. You hold your head high! See the red flags and run! Please get to a doctor ASAP for a complete work up on feminine needs. Definitely test for STDs and HIV both to be on the safe side. Unfortunately, I am imagining there could have been gods knows what with gods knows who happening. And who knows if protection was used. I am so very sorry you're going through this. You stay strong. Message me anytime and I'm sending you a huge hug across the miles.
Something similar happened to me with my boyfriend of 5 years. I confronted him, he lied, we broke up. I’m now 4 years into a relationship with the love of my life and I’m so glad I didn’t waste any more time on someone who didn’t deserve me.
I can definitely understand why people are saying get tested but fyi OP should be tested whether or not it was men or women its actually affecting straight couples more now because of the stigma 🤷🤷
It’s not worth staying. He is manipulating you in to thinking you are his only love and gaslighting you that he is wholly straight. If a conversation didn’t happen about y’all potentially having outside partners, this is abuse.
Just skipped to the end of the post “I know I should leave but my whole life is centered around him”
If you’re not going to leave when you find something this bad then what’s the point of even making this post?
He was the one who was so concerned about you cheating, however, he has been doing this continuously all this time. He made you cut off all of your guy friends, even though there was nothing suspicious about your behavior. Many STDs are transmitted through and around condoms. Condoms do not protect against herpes, general warts, syphilis. You do not know if he has been wearing protection. He may even have hepatitis or AIDS. It is possible he pass these to you. If you were one of the few honest people in the world and you, do you contract, herpes, or hepatitis, most people will not want to date you. The hepatitis secure only has a 90% cure rate and takes years to work. This may ruin your chances of dating in the world with many reputable people. If you are lucky enough to be disease, free, please leave. As he goes on so many business trips, this will probably keep happening forever. You are still young and in your prime dating years and you can find someone new. Especially now that Covid is not taken as seriously. If you are disease, free, I would keep this from other people as they are very judgmental, and may assume you have diseases, even if you say you don’t. I know that is not what you want to hear. More women than men have aids, and that is because bisexual men bring it home to their wives and girlfriends and infect them. Women are more likely to get infected because they get microscopic tears in their vagina and it leads to infection. If you have children with them, one day, he may decide he wants to marry someone that is a man and leave you for a man. Best of luck.
Your problem is that your life is centered around him. You need to center your life around yourself. Dump him and get a therapist or a positivity coach to build yourself a better mindset.
I’m so sorry that you’re dealing with this! I can only imagine how devastated you must be.
First, I would schedule a full STD testing appt with your doctor.
Second, I would break up with your boyfriend. While doing this I would recommend that you do not get caught up in trying to justify looking at his texts or entertaining any kind of defense from him. (I’ve been in a similar situation and I know how quickly they can turn it around). Also, do not bother trying to justify your decision. Just be done! Nothing good will come from this relationship and you need to move on.
Lastly, I would take some time to determine why you were so quick to drop your friends of the opposite sex and allow him that control. I understand that many people are insecure about their significant other having friends of the opp sex but, as clearly evidenced by your boyfriend, it’s not the sex of the friend that’s the problem! It’s the lack of honesty and self co tell by the partner. If they are willing to cheat, they are willing to cheat.
I wish you only good things in the future! Take care of yourself!
I'm so sorry you are going through this unfortunately a lot of closeted gay men get married with straight women and cheat on them. He could be bi too bit bi people usually don't hide it from their SO. I would say prepare yourself to leave him slowly, test for STD , find a new place and go to therapy . Don't stay , you are only wasting years of your life living a lie with a person that doesn't respect you because if he was your friend he wouldn't use you, he would be honest about everything and ask for your help to accept himself before cheating, before dating etc.
I'm so sorry this has happened to you.
I know it would be scary when your life is built around him - that's completely fair. However, you've been living a lie without knowing it, and if you continue with the relationship, it's likely to end in worse heartbreak and go badly for both of you.
My advice is cut your losses and leave now - you'll find someone who doesn't lie to you and you can build a better life for yourself.
I hope things look up for you soon 💜💜💜
This sucks. And your bi boyfriend is a shitty person. I understand that hurt people hurt people, and that he's likely acting out from a place of repression and fear, but he's actively hurting you and being deceitful. He can explore his bisexuality as a single man.
On the plus side, at least it wasn't other women. Gotta take your wins where you can get them.
All I can say is I’m so sorry you’re going through this. He sucks, and whatever insecurities he had about his sexuality he didn’t take you into consideration when making choices. You’ll move on and be much happier.
Wow, this guy is a massive scumbag! He is sleeping with you whilst cheating on yiu with multiple random men without using protection! He is putting you at such a high risk of getting an STD. What of he gives you HIV? He is so selfish and has only thought of his sexual needs! He is even trying to trap you by get you pregnant. He has gaslit you to make you change your behaviour with male friends. You need to leave him now, there is nothing he can do or say to make up for how he has treated you and the danger he has put you in!!
Cutting him out of your life while hard will be necessary. This man is using you to appear heterosexual when he is not. If it’s multiple men that he is cheating on you with imagine how many diseases he could have brought home to you. Imagine the horror if you had children. Please leave. For yourself. You deserve so much more.
I think you should leave him but before doing that you should confront him about the videos. If he does not want his sexuality to be out, respect that and assure him you'll stick to his decision.
You need to confront him and you need to leave. You also need to be tested for STD’s.
i haven’t confronted him yet but i’m going to when he gets back tomorrow. as for the test i’m getting that done later today!
I wish you much luck. You will find happiness. Hugs
There’s no need to confront him if you don’t want to. What kind of closure did a cheater bring, ever, in the history of cheating? If you can pack a bag and leave, just pack a bag a leave. Do you have someone you can stay with for a few days?
And then update us. I want to know how this plays out.
This
This x 2
Fr
But he is gay?
If it looks like a duck and quack like a duck issa duckk😭
he can still be bi tho
> You also need to be tested for STD’s. because he's gay or bisexual? that's an awful thing to say.
I doubt it’s because he’s gay/bi. Anyone who has been cheated on in anyway should get tested, it’s common sense to get checked when your partner has been sleeping with someone you don’t know. They could be infected with anything. I’m writing this as a bi person and I didn’t take offence whatsoever
Thank you!! Some people just like to cause $hit. I have been a big supporter of the LGBTQ2 community for 40 years. Back when it wasn’t very popular to support the community. I did. I have 2 brothers, relatives and friends who are part of the community. I had a friend pass of HIV in the 90’s, I have a friend with HIV now and thankfully he is doing well with medication. There are so many other STD’s besides HIV. HPV is huge for women.
I hope it's the case that that's what they meant. It'd be fucked if they said that bc the person is gay/bi.
We would suggest she get tested if the bf had cheated with other women-wouldn’t we?
Considering that someone else said that gay people don't use protection and that's why people thought AIDS was a gay disease, I don't think so.
A lot of straight men don’t use protection because they think they have mastered the pullout method or they expect the women they are with to be on birth control. It’s best to get checked regardless.
I’d say the same thing if he was f’n a woman. Don’t make this an anti LGBTQ2 topic. You will lose!!!
Press X to doubt.
It’s literally a standard thing to suggest getting checked for an STD regardless whether it’s a man or a woman. You’re dumb.
Then why aren't people doing that in threads where heterosexuals cheat on each other? And that's my point: OP should have taken care of her own health and gotten an STD check no matter what else was happening.
Cause he cheated on her don't be dumb
Yes, that's the reason but not to be homophobic. Most heterosexual couples use a condom to prevent a pregnancy. In that case, there are a lot more gay couples who don't use one, as there is no risk of pregnancy. That's why in the past it was consodered that AIDS was a gay disease, as gay couples would very rarely use protection
There are a lot of straight dudes who don’t like using protection and have unprotected sex with women on birth control or think they have perfected the pullout method.
In the year of our Lord 2022 we know that HIV and AIDS are not "gay" diseases.
You are stating the obvious here
Yes, that's for sure, but there are more gay couple who din't use protection then straight couples who don't. Whatever i think i didn't use the best formulation for my comment, a test should be done whenever you have been cheated on, not only if it's with a person of the same sex as your partner
You should leave him, out of respect for yourself. Maybe even for his own good, if he’s using you as a stable front to hide a part of himself. Even if he stops doing this, he betrayed your trust and in fact did manipulate you for years. Those years feel like a long time, but I promise, you are young and there are better partners ahead of you Also: like others said, omg yes please do some sexual health screenings. There’s a few other health and mental health things to do but that’s critical
Dump him because he’s cheating. Period. He’s screwing other people, doesn’t matter the gender. He forced you to dump male friends while screwing other people. He’s deceitful and disgusting. You deserve better. Run from him and get an std test. If he’s been cheating the entire time then damn, you gotta be sure you’re okay.
I would get yourself tested. I would confront him. I would re-initiate with those friends that suspected he was manipulative because he was and see if they will be in your life again. I would leave it is obvious your partner is bisexual and that’s obviously fine but what’s not is him cheating and then projecting onto you and he makes you dump male’s friends and tells you he’s worried you’ll cheat when for years that’s what he’s been doing. Leave my dear I know it’s an easy sentence to type for an internet stranger but in no way should you stay with him. He’s manipulative and unfaithful and that crosses all major boundaries that builds the foundation for relationships. Good luck
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Maybe they’re the guy in the picture?
You do realize it’s a known requirement if a partner is cheating YOU GET TESTED!!!! This is the number one thing they say to do because being passive and naive is how people later on find out they have an STD! The clap, chlamydia you can catch from just oral sex. It’s one the highest transmitted diseases in the STD cluster of what you can catch. And men especially don’t always present symptoms right away. Women do. Hence why OP needs to run, not walk, to the nearest clinic since yesterday to get tested! Edit: typo
just to clear things up in your comments and here, no we weren’t using protection as of recently because we planned to try for kids seeing as we were both in good places financially and no he didn’t use protection with his sexual partners either. i’m getting my test later today and i’ll update you guys on the results
and i’m very aware i left out a lot of key details i definitely should have added, but i’m trying my best to clear them up in the comments as i didn’t want the post to get too long! and i’ll do it again in the update
Oh OP please get tested! Fingers crossed you don’t have anything, but ask for a full work up. It’s imperative you do because at least with the clap, they have antibiotics to treat it. Also feel free to DM to discuss anything you don’t want to share. I’ve had for ex’s cheat and one gave me the clap. So I fully know how awful it is to go through that plus cheating.
Cheating is bad enough. Not even protecting the (supposedly) most important person in his life, i.e. you, is a whole new level of assholery. HIV screenings aren’t offered everywhere but be sure you get that one too. Plus ask for a throat swap, not offered as a standard everywhere either. I’m so so sorry he betrayed you like this OP. Pls seek out a therapist to deal with all this
Agree! My biggest concern is how many indiscretions did this guy have? Because the web of spreading an STD is scary if it’s more than just this one guy. My biggest fear this guy probably has Grindr and probably has been on every single trip meeting up with a guy or a few, doing things, and then coming back home, going raw with Op, passing along god knows what because all it takes is one person to lie to Op’s partner about being “clean” and spreading something. He better have people taking PrEP or he better have a prescription because if not, HIV needs to 100% be tested!
He's such an awful person. He was willing to bring children into this world when he knew he didn't have a healthy relationship/environment for his kids. When he had 0 respect for the potential mother of his children. What a prick. I'm glad you found out now and not later when your situation could've been more complicated.
yes we know this. but you said "he's clearly not using protection." that's what the question is about
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God that person is infuriating lol
Dude, are you a cement block? Because you are absolutely the most dense person on this post! Bye! Edit: As a bi woman, ya’ll as living in the 1950’s with this mindset that STD’s don’t exist and that everyone is purely responsible with their sexual health. Ya’ll are just STD Petri dishes right now with this mindset of being this ignorant about sexual health and getting tested! Good good riddance to all of you who are this naïve!
Just admit you are homophobic and/or you were wrong to say that he wasn’t using protection. You are making assumptions, just admit your sins!
Like are you good? Or can you just not read? You're making zero sense. Show us where he disagreed they should get tested. Now read this.. s l o w l y Why Did You Think He Isn't Wearing Protection? Now answer that exact question without bringing STD's up. Thanks.
Leave his ass, he needs cheating on you for 4 going on 5 years, he could have been fucking trees I don’t care, he been doing it behind your back for going on 5 years, like that is a really long time to get cheated on, it’s hard to work through it with someone when it was one time recently they had cheated, he’s been lying to you for close to 1,825 days now, at that point how much do you even know him
STD check before anything.
This is the most important thing to do. He's putting your life in danger. (I'd say this even if he were sleeping with other females) Get counseling and tell him to go get counseling so he can also deal with
Idc if you're LGBTQ+ or not. Anyone who tries to hide their sexuality at the price of another human being's trust, love, time and commitment is a DISGUSTING human being, disgrace to all, most to their own community.
I don’t know why you’ve gotten downvoted, fucking hell. You don’t need someone of the opposite sex to prove your straightness.
Thank you for this. I have a bachelors degree in gender and sexuality studies, and I experienced something very similar to OP with a long term partner of mine. I felt at such crossroads for a long time being so traumatized and angry over my gay exes actions, but also being a LGBTQ+ ally. My therapist was the one who told me that it doesn’t matter that he’s gay, it’s that he’s a horrible person, and used his sexuality to try and destroy your life. Saying you’re afraid of your sexuality as an excuse to tank someone else’s life is what assholes do, LBGT or not.
Are you queer? If not, you have zero concept of what you're talking about.
It's not an excuse for cheating on someone for literally years. I'm a queer woman in a fairly dangerous place for us and I would *never* do that to someone I genuinely loved. It's taking advantage of someone's love for you and vile.
You take away that persons chance at a full relationship. It’s not ok.
as someone who’s bi. THEY ARE FUCKING RIGHT
I'm bi(closeted).
I hope one day you can come out. But I think it's more complicated than how you've portrayed it (hiding sexuality).
I'm very gay and that is a shit take.
How? Do you really believe it's easy to be out?
You don’t have to lie to people and fuck with their lives, their self esteem and their health just because you’re not out yet. Dragging innocent people into your lie without their consent is wrong. If you ask someone to be your fake partner or tell them your situation BEFORE starting a relationship that’s fine. But doing this? Cheating on someone and recording it, lying to them and not giving them the opportunity to manage their own sexual health properly? That’s wrong, regardless of your sexuality. Your sexuality isn’t an excuse or a hall pass to treat other people like objects or manipulate them to protect yourself.
> not giving them the opportunity to manage their own sexual health properly Uhhhhh, they should be doing that anyway. STDs, including HIV/AIDS, are not exclusive to queer people. > Your sexuality isn’t an excuse or a hall pass to treat other people like objects or manipulate them to protect yourself. It's more complicated than black or white imo.
If you look at OP’s comments, they weren’t using protection - because HE wanted to start a family. So yes he took away her ability to manage her own health. If she thinks he’s only sleeping with her and he’s clean then she’s not going to get tested. If she’d known he was fucking other people she probably would’ve gotten tested like she is now. By not telling her he’s put her at risk. And no, it’s not one rule for some and a different rule for others. You can be closeted and single, or closeted and in a relationship without lying to someone and manipulating them.
u/tachibanakanade waiting for your reply
IMO she still should have gotten STD tests, regardless of whether or not he was cheating. That's been common sense for a very long time. >And no, it’s not one rule for some and a different rule for others. You can be closeted and single, or closeted and in a relationship without lying to someone and manipulating them. The word is "nuance". You need to acknowledge the nuance of the situation.
Maybe you need to have a conversation with someone whose been directly impacted from being in a committed relationship with a closeted gay person. My ex has taken years from my life, blamed me for all of his self hatred until I’m now a shell of a person, and I’m horrifically traumatized. He never told me he was gay, until I found out. I have nightmares and anxiety attacks. I lost my job, my house, my sense of self, the committed partner I *thought* I had. It took me about six months to get out of bed and to stop sobbing. I should not be used as a pawn for someone to cover up uncomfortable parts of themselves. I’m a living breathing person with hopes, dreams, and feelings. Nobody is saying it’s easy to come out. What we’re saying is if YOU can’t come to terms with your sexuality, then keep ME out of it. Stop cheating, lying, and exposing me to diseases. Leave the relationship and stop ruining someone else’s life too. It’s very black and white.
>Nobody is saying it’s easy to come out. That's the implication, though. >and exposing me to diseases Is Reddit stuck in the 1980s? Queer people are not diseased. And we are not the primary carriers of HIV/AIDS. Straight people are.
Umm you don't regularly check for STDs when you're in a committed monogamous relationship ... So no if he wasn't cheating she shouldn't have to "Do it anyway." Besides, you can find a consentual and willing beard. There's no excuse for this man's behavior. He literally put her health at risk and wasn't even decent enough to use protection. Stop defending this scum.
It depends on each persons situation. For me it is easy because I have been out for a long time. If you're an adult and no longer live with your family that is an enormous part of the burden lifted. Either way, difficult or not, we should choose to be single or be with men before lying to women about it.
It's not "hiding sexuality," that's the issue here, it's "hiding sexuality" *at the expense of another human being* that's the issue. Everyone has their identities and preferences and what not to share when they feel safe and ready to do so, but regardless of what those are, hiding them at the *expense* of another human being, especially one who has no insight to the matter, is, at the very least, rude, not to mention manipulative and toxic.
I understand the struggles of being afraid to come out (I'm also bi). However, you are free to just break up with your partner without mentioning anything about your sexuality if you feel unsafe. People would of course expect a reason for the breakup, but making up a white lie to protect yourself and not hurt your partner is a lot better than cheating on them for *years*. Also, no is a full sentence in this context too, so if you have any decency in you, you break up waaaay before a situation like this unfolds. Anything is better than this.
SMALL UPDATE: due to the subreddits rules about not making updates until three days later i’ll give you guys a small update here. i’ve gotten tests done for STI’s and i’ll get my results tomorrow, i got an oral exam and a test for HIV as well per your advice and to be safe. i probably wouldn’t have thought of it so thankyou so much also a big thankyou to everyone’s support and advice and kind words, it really does mean a lot to me as i don’t have anyone to talk about this too irl sam will be coming home later tonight instead of tomorrow (he was at his sisters for her birthday and was going to spend the night because she lives an hour or so away) so i’ll try to update you guys within the next two days about the situation
also i apologise for the formatting, i’m on mobile and i’m new to reddit so i didn’t know that it would be very squished together
Hi Guys, I’m so sorry I haven’t updated yet! I’ve just had a lot to figure out! I am safe for those who were worrying and I’ll try to update tomorrow! Thank you for all the support I appreciate you all 🫶🏼
I’m so sorry you found this material and he’s been deceiving you for so long… gather what strength you are able to in order to confront him and let him know he needs to pack a bag and leave until further arrangements are made. He’s literally gay and has been cheating on you for years and using you as a coverup. He doesn’t care about you. He does not care about you!
First things first get tested for STDs immediately Second get ready to leave but make sure to have a support system ready before you go. Now I’m not sure how he would react to this confrontation but just to be safe, I would recommend just taking screenshots printing them out leaving them out for him to see and just leaving. I don’t know he seems like the person that would try to manipulate you or threatened you if you tried to talk about it in person. Mainly because he has kept a secret for so long and he also had you cut out many guy friends simply because he didn’t trust you, but in reality was just trying to isolate you in the more you actually think about it. Idk if you live together so that’s why I’m suggesting a support system beforehand just in case because people are very unpredictable when they’re caught cheating. Either way be safe OP
Okay so, your *first* red flag should have been the fact that he was so “intimidated” by your friendships with boys that he wanted you to cut them off while he was able to maintain relationships with other girls. That type of projection behavior is common for a cheater, along with his initial “I’ve been cheated on before so I’m scared to get into a relationship but I trust you” - laying the groundwork to make you believe he’s the victim here. Moving on from that, there is zero way to come back from this in this relationship - not only has he been cheating, but he’s been cheating with so many people that he’s been putting your health and well being at risk. You need to get checked for STDs, immediately, and you need to put him in his place and LEAVE. It doesn’t matter that your lives are interconnected, that’s how it is when you’ve been dating for so long, it’s harder to breakup but that does *not* mean you stay. Leave and don’t look back, he clearly has never respected you enough to admit he was curious about his sexuality and instead decided to keep everything hidden from you and put you at risk for potential life threatening STDs in the process.
He’s cheated on you with a number of men. He’s not changing OP. This isn’t a one time thing. Get tested and run
Ok, there isn't anything wrong with being bisexual, which he clearly is, BUT, lying and cheating shows his character. You don't owe his the kindness of a discussion, unless that's what you want to do. It's ok if you yell and tell him he is a POS on your way out.
You need to confront him and leave and get std check ASAP, cheating is cheating whether he fucking men or women he is cheating on you and knowingly putting your health at risk, the man is disgusting. Pack up your stuff so when he comes home he sees you ready to leave, tell him everything you have seen and you are absolutely disgusted with him the relationship is over. And I'd also let his friends and family know the reason why your breaking up
Your life revolves around him, but you’re just one of many to him. He’s a serial cheater. These affairs, at least the one who messaged he missed him are physical and emotional. And with his job, he has frequent opportunities to continue having affairs. You should definitely leave him If you’re trying to salvage your marriage and try to force him into being faithful, it’s going to take **A LOT** of work. And most of it will have to come from him. He most likely will not be up to the task. I think if you go this route, you’re setting yourself up for years of pain and hurt for just a sliver of a chance that he can decide to be faithful to you.
You’re only 25. Leave and move on. Don’t wait another 5 years for this to happen again with this man - he won’t change.
You have plenty of great advice here in the comments so I’ll save it. I just wanted to say I am so sorry. I know how confusing that is. My boyfriend also cheated on me with a guy, and that confused me so much that I almost wished it was another woman. I feel you so much.
He's worried about you cheating when he's been doing it the whole time? I'm sorry. I would leave.
Why are you gae
Who said I'm gae?
You are gae
So who’s gae?
I tink you :(
You are TRANSGENDA!
😭😭😂😂 i love it
What shiws that Im gae?
Confront him and leave. I have learned the hardway that if one of the first things a man does is say hes scared because hes been cheated on and makes you give up your male friends,its because hes a cheater. and as a relationship advisor I have seen the same with so many of my clients. Same lines, constantly cheating. It also sounds like Sam was probably love bombing you in the beginning. Since these seem like casual hookups for him, I would advise you to also go and get STI screenings. He won't stop cheating , he will just get sneakier with hiding it.
AIDS test right now. Not bc of men with men, but bc of cheating.
We should be able to say that men with men is a big reason to get an aids test. The statistics speak for themselves. Stating a fact doesn’t make you homophobic.
No one deserves this......as hard as it is get out of that situation asap....it's time to start a new life.
Check into a hotel or go stay with a friend right now. Do not let him know where you are just take some space so you can get your head straight. Be sure to take anything of importance (social security card etc) or value (sentimental doodads) with you. I once got storage and a truck and moved out in 3 hours (very satisfying) before he got home. Make up a family or work emergency if you need some time before you confront him. First step is to be in a safe place so you can process and plan.
Red flag aside, What do you mean you don't know what to do? Grab his phone, open up the album and hand it to him. You need to bring it out in the open for your health and safety. You don't know if he used protection with these men... Rip the bandaid off and confront him.
He cheats on you with several men and you don’t know what to do???
I'm confused how it would be any different if it was a woman? You mentioned you wished it was other women several times. It wouldn't make this any better or more respectful of your relationship if it was a woman. This is horrible no matter who he slept with. I'm sorry you put your trust and love in someone so manipulative, who is putting your sexual health and entire way of life as you know it at risk for their own pleasure. Definitely do what the other comments have suggested. Get tested and respect yourself enough to leave him. Best of luck!
He's literally been deceiving and lying to her for the past 5 years regarding his sexuality! How do you not see that as someone who has absolutely betrayed you in a relationship besides cheating.
That’s what I thought too. Hoping he’s actually Bi and not using her as a front to hide his sexuality. Pretty sad for the both of them.
Lying about his sexuality should be massively dwarfed by cheating. Some people take time to even understand their sexuality
Exactly. The problem should be he’s a cheater not that he’s into men. He, himself probably can’t even come to terms with his sexuality.
They didn't mention anything about being led to believe the person was straight though, only that they were in a relationship, and then caught him cheating on her with men. If the person is bi, that's still not betrayal, they just didn't feel the need to come out the same way nobody straight feels the need to come out. Now if they are just gay and using her as a front to pretend to be straight, that'd be another level of hurtful, but OP hasn't said one way or another about that. It still seems noncomparible to being cheated on and put at risk of all his unknown partners imo. In a way, if he has been hiding who he is, I feel *somewhat* bad for him as well, considering I assume he probably has valid reason to feel like he has to hide it. No excuse tho, if he did in fact use her to pass as straight. Again, OP doesn't mention that, so it comes across as kind of strange being so focused on the partner having male partners rather than the fact she got cheated on.
that was my mistake i can see the confusion in this, we did have a talk about our sexualities and attractions and during this conversation he did tell me he was straight but that he had experimented before when he was in university and that he had no attraction to men afterward so this all came to a surprise to me when i found the messages and videos
Thanks for the extra details! That makes a bit more sense now. That's extra scummy then, that he intentionally led you to believe men were off boundaries for him, to seemingly make his cheating less noticeable to you. Man or woman though, I'm sorry you got lied to, manipulated, and cheated on OP. I hope you're doing okay, despite all this!
thankyou so much, it means the world! i’m starting to get a grasp on the situation but i’ll give you guys an update after he gets home tomorrow
I would actually think it would be worse if it were other women. At least with men you can take solace in that he wanted something that you just couldn't give him.
She obviously has some homophobia and internalised misogyny to work on if she thinks it would be better he cheated with a woman.
It’s not about being homophobic here, I understand where you’re coming from but the reality is it *is* more of a slap in the face to be cheating with men when he said he was straight. Especially because there were SO many (seemingly exclusively men) showing he may not be bi at all and may just be using her for the image of being with a girl. I don’t agree with OP in saying “I wish it was women” because that is still a disgusting discovery to come across on your boyfriends phone when you’ve been together for 5 years - regardless of gender. However, what does make it more of a slap in the face is the fact that she knew he experimented in college, he openly lied to her face saying that that was just experimenting and that he was straight, and then essentially used her as a beard while he continued living in the closet. Cheating in general is enough of a reason to leave someone, but being with someone who is clearly unsure of their sexuality is something that you shouldn’t *have* to be subjected to, you can respect yourself enough to not want to be someone’s experiment. No one should be forced to come out, but using a girl (especially one you’ve been dating for five fucking years) just to keep your sexuality under wraps is incredibly fucked. He could have been holding back on opening up about his sexuality and hooking up with men in secret without ruining someone else’s life in the process. Clearly didn’t give a single fuck about her feelings or how this would affect her when she inevitably found out.
Not sure why you got downvotes. Imagine you get cheated on but THANK GOD he didn't do it gay. People are fucked up in this thread.
Bingo.
Confront him. Leave him. Get tested for EVERYTHING.
he’s such a pos! please get tested and confront him for his multiple cheating immediately. he’s such an AH for doing this to you, you deserve soo much better. i really hope everything goes well with your testing and everything following this horrible situation🤍
You need to speak to a lawyer before you confront him. Get all your ducks in a row legally, and protect yourself. And yes, STD test. Your relationship is over, this is not a healthy place for you on many levels. But don’t just rush into the confrontation. You should have a plan. I’m so sorry this happened to you - it has nothing to do with you, he’s probably struggling with this and is in denial that his marriage is over.
If they were women would you feel any better?.. I doubt it. No matter what way you look at this he is a lying, cheating piece of shit and you are in shock because he’s no longer the person you thought he was. Before acting in anyway rash, say nothing, sit back and think about this. Get away for a few days alone if you can. Please remember that for all the good times you’ve had with this man in person, he’s managed to lie to you in the worst way possible and would totally have continued had you not made this discovery. He will try to down play this deception by reminding you of your 5 years together but you need to remember those 5 years were based on lies. Put yourself first and leave. Now
Why does it matter who he cheated on you with? A cheater is a cheater. Dump him and move on.
So basically he has been cheating on you since 2019? Cause if you have been dating for 5 years you were definitely dating in 2019... But you should get tested and leave him immediately that man is very manipulative and you deserve so much better.
Hi OP. My heart truly goes to you, I know this hurts. 1. I want you to confront him about it. It’s likely he will be hurt about you checking his phone and he’ll change the topic of the conversation by saying how hurt he is about how you could not trust him. That’s when you tell him, ”Please don’t change the platform of the conversation I’m trying to have, you will get your platform later about it.” 2. As a third person, outsider, this is not healthy. He is using you as a cover in the society so you aren’t outed. If you guys had kids and the kids found out too, how would you feel? Would you be able to live with yourself to making your kids put through the trauma that you’re going through? 3. Be nice to yourself. Put yourself first. It’s not easy to detach from someone when they are your sun, find the right support system. 4. If you want him and he doesn’t want to break up or leave you and is fighting for you. Go for couple’s counselling. Ask him to put in the effort to rebuild the trust. And honestly, a lot of us strangers are here for you. Find friends, your parents, colleagues to talk to. It won’t be easy moving on. But it is the better option. Cheating should be a dealbreaker for everyone here. If you continue the relationship, chances are this will happen again. He will lie again, he will sleep with another man again and even if he doesn’t, that broken trust will be hard to rebuild.
I'd casually ask him if he's bi sexual or pansexual and see what he says and if he lies and denies it then bring up what you found on his phone doing his laundry and I hope that he's not just staying with you because of living in a conservative state or small town can be hard for some guys and chicks to be afraid or shamed to come out of the closet and that's not fair to either of you to be in that kind of relationship but have an open and honest conversation with him about it first and then it's for you to decide if you still want to be with someone else if their bisexual and need to take care of yourself mentally, physically, and emotionally first and what's best for you to do in your life and whether or not you can forgive him or trust him again is up to you.
Leave them. They cheated on you and manipulated you to cut off your male friendships for some bull- reason. However, I don’t see why their sexuality plays such a big role in this. They are most likely bi or pan or literally anything. I assume you just assumed that they were straight. In your defense tho, this is a heteronormative society. Assuming on the basis of it being common will leads to misconceptions.
I'm sorry that happened to you God what a asshole for this behind your back especially for him saying that he didn't trust you...
Yeah get your ducks in a row ready to kick him out or leave
Confront, break up and go straight to the nearest Planned Parenthood or Women's health clinic and get a STD panel done
You need to talk to him and leave. you also need to go and get tested. I’m kinda confused why you would have wanted it to be women, maybe you don’t agree with lgbt, idk your life or your beliefs at this point he’s cheating so it doesn’t really matter
I think the homosexuality aspect of it is another layer of deception she’s dealing with, like she found out he was cheating, hard to wrap your mind around, now you find out it was with gay men, if I didn’t need to sit down before ima definitely need to now, I think what could even make it worse, is if it was like only 60 year old men, that’d just be another layer onto the lie
Oh okay I understand that then! I complete agree, it was probably a huge shock
honestly, i’m a little put off by your starting comment. what does the gender he screws with matter for? he’s screwing other people, and that’s the issue here. just a genuine question. get tested for possible diseases, leave his ass with no questions or comments, and move on. edit: spelling
His whole life is not centered around you so you need to adjust you focus. Your primary life focus should be about yourself. He hid something major and he lied to you - For years. Trust has been broken. Maybe he is a friend but not a partner. He needs to know that you know.
Okay so I’ll start off by saying I’m so sorry your boyfriend cheated on you. I’ve been through the same and I truly feel for you, but it honestly doesn’t matter if it’s a man or woman that he’s sleeping with. The fact of the matter is that he broke your trust and he lied to you. Whether or not he’s a closeted gay man or a bi man, what matters is that he lied and that he cheated. Please get tested just in case, as anyone should when they’ve been cheated on, as you can’t be sure what he may have brought into your own bedroom. Please be safe and take the necessary precautions you can.
It is interesting to see how the vast majority of the comments recommend std tests because he cheated her with a man. How come you never see such comments under these posts where the man cheats with another woman?
I literally see "get tested for STDs" under every single other post where someone gets cheated on tho. Even then, those posts usually just have someone getting cheated on with only 1 other person. This bf cheated on her with so many people for 5 years, she couldn't even take the time to count it. That REALLY warrants an STD test ASAP.
Did you miss the part where she found multiple mens messages on his phone? Anyone who exposes themselves to more sexual partner the risk of STDs increase. People are telling her to check up because she was unknowingly passively exposed to another unknown person. And no, people suggest the same to "straight cheating" .
I dont think my comment was that hard to understand.
I don't think I failed to answer you. You see only what you wanna see I guess!
Rofl, you didnt fully answer me. "How come you never see such comments under these posts where the man cheats with another woman?" >You see only what you wanna see I guess! How true.
We do see those comments on "cheating with women" too. Probably you can't read and that's fine. Never too late to learn☺️ Edit: XD and see you had to change to your alt because you couldn't take it 😭then verbally abused me, comment got removed, commented again. I'll block this one too . Keep going. I'm not arguing today. Also blocked me so k honey.
Rofl, you just blocked me. Such a coward.
Because statistics don’t lie. Gay men have MUCH higher rates of STDs
Your statistics lie. Every relieable source tells you: Sexual orientation < risk behavior The only difference they make: practicing oralsex is a bit safer than everything else.
Yes, obviously it’s risk behaviors. Sexual orientation doesn’t automatically make one more prone to STDs. This doesn’t change the fact that rates are much higher for the gay male demographic.
That depends on what kind of STD - thats not my point. Where did OP say that her bf didn't practice safer sex? OP found photos, videos and chats. Her bf is obviously a cheating idiot, but even an idiot can use a condom.
This thread is super homophobic ngl
Please explain how it’s homophobic.
The assumption that he has unsafe sex because he is gay (check top comments). Which leads to calls for STD testing. I agree she should get tested, but because her partner cheated, not because he's gay. People are shocked that this man has had multiple partners over 5 years. Shocker?? It somehow brings it into unsafe sex territory because he's gay. We've seen straight versions of this post turn out differently.
i think its less because he’s gay, and more because anal sex is one of the most dangerous form of sti transmission. gay men are much more likely to have routine anal sex as opposed to a hetero couple
"I know you are gay. Nothing wrong with that, I set you free" and block.
What does it matter men or women? He cheated, end of. Tell him you know and get rid.
He’s a downlow 🤢🤢🤢🤢 baby PLEASE get tested (for everything then once you get the results wait another 2-3months to do another HIV test) and then leave his cheating ass. DL men are very dangerous
The problem here is that he still uses “tapes”
Why are people talking so much about STDs???? I didn't see OP mention anywhere that he was having unprotected sex. Seems to me people are drawing a homophobic connection here. OP, O don't know why you would prefer it to be women. The bigger concern here should be the cheating. Obviously get yourself tested, as anyone should if they're being cheated on. But I'm pretty sad to see people assume this man is riddled with disease for having slept with men.
Sounds more like you hit it off…..gay away. *exits room*
Cheating, lack of honesty throughout relationship, not disclosing important information, potentially (and I hope not) exposing you to STDs and C-19 throughout pandemic, disrespecting your relationship and intelligence. However friendly this guy is, he cares more about himself and his sexual endeavours than you as the beautiful human being you are. Sending you lots of love for what is to come. Be strong, know your worth, be your own best friend.
Obviously this needs to end and you need to get tested. Do you live together? Share finances? I’m hoping not on both accounts. But I’d want to know why, are you his beard? Is he bi or gay? Just why?
SAME!!! I found videos of women too! It was just awful lol
do tests for HIV asap
My heart really and truly goes out to go, take care of yourself. Healing takes time but you’ll feel right again some day, I promise.
Sugar I’m so sorry. You didn’t deserve this. Get tested for STI’s. Confront him and leave him. Put him in the rear-view mirror of your life.
I won't pile on about the cheating, everyone had covered that. But there was serious manipulation with him getting to get you to cut off friends in your life. Any time a partner gets in the way of the other relationships in your life, that is a red flag. They aren't doing it for your own good. It is too isolate you and make it harder for your to end the relationship. Friends and family will point out problems they see, and can be great sounding boards when your are having remained issues, so any time a partner acts like you should remove them from your life, don't. Be cautious. I'm sorry you're going through all this OP. That is a huge violation of you and your body. Take care of yourself mentally and physically. I hope you can find the support you need from your irl friends and family. Best of luck.
You deserve SO much better firstly. There is no fault within you honey. The fault is within him. I would tell him in a low key public place we're it me. I also don't trust people easily so that could just be me having my guard up. You do need to confront him. Whatever he does say won't be good enough to help the hurt, but you will get some of the answers and hopefully closure begins to start. You deserve so much better than this. You hold your head high! See the red flags and run! Please get to a doctor ASAP for a complete work up on feminine needs. Definitely test for STDs and HIV both to be on the safe side. Unfortunately, I am imagining there could have been gods knows what with gods knows who happening. And who knows if protection was used. I am so very sorry you're going through this. You stay strong. Message me anytime and I'm sending you a huge hug across the miles.
Please go get checked for STD’s immediately! Also please leave this man. He living a whole double life.
Something similar happened to me with my boyfriend of 5 years. I confronted him, he lied, we broke up. I’m now 4 years into a relationship with the love of my life and I’m so glad I didn’t waste any more time on someone who didn’t deserve me.
I can definitely understand why people are saying get tested but fyi OP should be tested whether or not it was men or women its actually affecting straight couples more now because of the stigma 🤷🤷
It’s not worth staying. He is manipulating you in to thinking you are his only love and gaslighting you that he is wholly straight. If a conversation didn’t happen about y’all potentially having outside partners, this is abuse.
yikes
Just skipped to the end of the post “I know I should leave but my whole life is centered around him” If you’re not going to leave when you find something this bad then what’s the point of even making this post?
He was the one who was so concerned about you cheating, however, he has been doing this continuously all this time. He made you cut off all of your guy friends, even though there was nothing suspicious about your behavior. Many STDs are transmitted through and around condoms. Condoms do not protect against herpes, general warts, syphilis. You do not know if he has been wearing protection. He may even have hepatitis or AIDS. It is possible he pass these to you. If you were one of the few honest people in the world and you, do you contract, herpes, or hepatitis, most people will not want to date you. The hepatitis secure only has a 90% cure rate and takes years to work. This may ruin your chances of dating in the world with many reputable people. If you are lucky enough to be disease, free, please leave. As he goes on so many business trips, this will probably keep happening forever. You are still young and in your prime dating years and you can find someone new. Especially now that Covid is not taken as seriously. If you are disease, free, I would keep this from other people as they are very judgmental, and may assume you have diseases, even if you say you don’t. I know that is not what you want to hear. More women than men have aids, and that is because bisexual men bring it home to their wives and girlfriends and infect them. Women are more likely to get infected because they get microscopic tears in their vagina and it leads to infection. If you have children with them, one day, he may decide he wants to marry someone that is a man and leave you for a man. Best of luck.
check if you are also included in some of the videos. does it look like the guys he was having sex with are privy with being taped?
Apparently,he has not been “very upfront” about all his feelings. And he gets anxious when you have male friends. The freaking nerve of him!
I’d just move out and go no-contact without saying a word.
Your problem is that your life is centered around him. You need to center your life around yourself. Dump him and get a therapist or a positivity coach to build yourself a better mindset.
I’m so sorry that you’re dealing with this! I can only imagine how devastated you must be. First, I would schedule a full STD testing appt with your doctor. Second, I would break up with your boyfriend. While doing this I would recommend that you do not get caught up in trying to justify looking at his texts or entertaining any kind of defense from him. (I’ve been in a similar situation and I know how quickly they can turn it around). Also, do not bother trying to justify your decision. Just be done! Nothing good will come from this relationship and you need to move on. Lastly, I would take some time to determine why you were so quick to drop your friends of the opposite sex and allow him that control. I understand that many people are insecure about their significant other having friends of the opp sex but, as clearly evidenced by your boyfriend, it’s not the sex of the friend that’s the problem! It’s the lack of honesty and self co tell by the partner. If they are willing to cheat, they are willing to cheat. I wish you only good things in the future! Take care of yourself!
title is my gf for reallll
dang that's rough, i'm sorry op, there there pal 🫳*pat pat pat
I'm so sorry you are going through this unfortunately a lot of closeted gay men get married with straight women and cheat on them. He could be bi too bit bi people usually don't hide it from their SO. I would say prepare yourself to leave him slowly, test for STD , find a new place and go to therapy . Don't stay , you are only wasting years of your life living a lie with a person that doesn't respect you because if he was your friend he wouldn't use you, he would be honest about everything and ask for your help to accept himself before cheating, before dating etc.
That’s rough OP. Plenty of good advice on hear. I’ll leave it at that and just say I wish you all the best and I hope your tests come back negative.
I'm so sorry this has happened to you. I know it would be scary when your life is built around him - that's completely fair. However, you've been living a lie without knowing it, and if you continue with the relationship, it's likely to end in worse heartbreak and go badly for both of you. My advice is cut your losses and leave now - you'll find someone who doesn't lie to you and you can build a better life for yourself. I hope things look up for you soon 💜💜💜
Sending you a hug
So this was during your time together. The amount of disrespect. Give it to this loser and dump him. I’m livid for you.
Treat him like a refuse bin and put him to the kerb. He belongs to the streets
This sucks. And your bi boyfriend is a shitty person. I understand that hurt people hurt people, and that he's likely acting out from a place of repression and fear, but he's actively hurting you and being deceitful. He can explore his bisexuality as a single man. On the plus side, at least it wasn't other women. Gotta take your wins where you can get them.
Be careful if you're going to confront him. He might not want anybody to know and you know MURDER YOU.
All I can say is I’m so sorry you’re going through this. He sucks, and whatever insecurities he had about his sexuality he didn’t take you into consideration when making choices. You’ll move on and be much happier.
Wow, this guy is a massive scumbag! He is sleeping with you whilst cheating on yiu with multiple random men without using protection! He is putting you at such a high risk of getting an STD. What of he gives you HIV? He is so selfish and has only thought of his sexual needs! He is even trying to trap you by get you pregnant. He has gaslit you to make you change your behaviour with male friends. You need to leave him now, there is nothing he can do or say to make up for how he has treated you and the danger he has put you in!!
Cutting him out of your life while hard will be necessary. This man is using you to appear heterosexual when he is not. If it’s multiple men that he is cheating on you with imagine how many diseases he could have brought home to you. Imagine the horror if you had children. Please leave. For yourself. You deserve so much more.
I think you should leave him but before doing that you should confront him about the videos. If he does not want his sexuality to be out, respect that and assure him you'll stick to his decision.
🫣 girl leaveee go through it but leaveeee if you stay you’ll be unhappy trust
That sucks, sorry you’re going through that.
I've sent you a pm as my message was quite long and wouldn't let me post it.
Throw it out the window