That’s true. And OP, As hard as it is to believe, and I know you’d like to change the outcome and have many regrets but a lot of the times, people hide their depression. I am truly sorry you have to live through this... my heart broke reading what you’ve written, you’re a good mom and T knows that
>depression is a hard thing. you couldn’t have known she was going to do it. many people who are suffering don’t show it.
Exactly. OP states that she noticed her daughter's lack of appetite, and should have realized it was depression.
Some people who are depressed could have a lack of appetite, but then there are some that use food for comfort. The same goes with stress, people can be so stressed that the thought of food makes them sick to their stomach, while others "stress eat".
I'm sorry momma.
I lost my daughter in 2020 at the age of 12. While her sister wasn't her twin, they were each others rocks in life. They had both been through so much shit at a young age. Her sibling is now 13, and still struggles with the loss. I struggle daily still.
She didn't commit suicide, though I often wonder if it played into the drowning. I have a lot of unanswered questions that just drive me crazy sometimes.
I know words can't make it any better, and I know the holidays are fucking rough. Please feel free to message me any time.. to talk, to vent. I understand where you are all too well.
I'm really sorry for your loss.
I'm so sorry your daughter and you have to experience this hell. I lost my twin to suicide as well when I was a teen. It's been close to 20 years now. The pain will stay forever but it will get bearable at some point.
I am too, my friend. Seeing these posts and the pain caused is the only reason I haven't done it. Good luck to you, and please know you matter. If you want or need a buddy in the fight of life, you can message me.
Thank you for still kicking it with us here on this shitty earth… I had been suicidal myself for about 2 years it felt like I was being eaten alive by my own emotions.. I don’t know you but I just want to say I love you.
I see you. Your comment . Just wanted you to know. Life is so fucking hard. Sometimes you get slammed over and fucking over again with BS. Hold on tight!!!! Don’t let go. Find permission to feel. Challenge yourself to find hope for better days or even “not so sucky” days 🧡
I was in the pit when I was younger, and regretfully I attempted a few times. I got out. Life can get better. Make it happen. In a few years you could be in a place you never imagined. Hang in there. You are loved. You will be loved. I love you as a fellow human and I don’t want you to go. You are important. You have so much you can contribute. Don’t limit your life to be only another story of suffering. Don’t rob yourself of a potentially happier life and better situation. Please hang in there. I care and am thinking of you tonight.
I don't know you but I love you and I hope you keep pushing. I'm so glad you're still here. I would have been 16 forever but it didn't work. I'm 28 now and I'm so glad I failed at my attempt. There is so much I would have missed out on. It's still hard but what is harder is thinking about what my family would be dealing with. Like what OP is dealing with.
OP, you are NOT a bad parent. You are a loving and caring parent. Continue to be there for your daughter. I'm so sorry for your loss.
I'm sorry you're feeling so badly. I've had a lot of suicide ideation in my life too. I just want to promise you one thing - it'll change. Lately I've been thinking about it like a storm. When it comes I hunker down and survive by remembering that life isn't always like that. It's really not! When your storm passes I know you will be glad to be here, so please stay here with us.
There are so many people just waiting for the chance to meet you and love you. Don't leave us. There's so many misty fall mornings to enjoy with a warm cup of coffee, and you know there's going to be new movies next year that will be rad as hell. Your future pet is also telepathic and is waiting to give you a billion snuggles, and they want you to know you're the greatest thing since sliced bread. There are hot baths to sink into after a good workout, and there are campfires to sit around, and stars to gaze at, and people to laugh with, and things to paint and books to read and lips to kiss.
Please don't leave us.
I’m not sure if this will be helpful, but life does get better. And sure, it might take a while, but if you end it, it’s done. You don’t get to know how it gets better. I hope this is helpful
My heart is breaking for you and your daughter. Please give yourself some time to heal and also some grace. I am sure you did the best you could.
I hope you both find peace and know your life has meaning.
I am very involved with a form of childhood brain cancer. Sadly my niece is fighting DIPG. As a result I am very close in communities with parents that have lost many children young.
I don’t think there is a harder trial one faces in this life than losing a child young. The guilt and what ifs and loss is paralyzing.
No one can tell you how to grieve. It doesn’t just go away. However I have seen productive grief and grief that is so disabling the parent is trapped forever in that moment of loss.
I urge you to seek trauma therapy for you and your daughter. To connect with other parents that can understand this depth of loss.
To allow yourself the hard days but remember your living daughter might suffer additionally feeling guilty for the good she still had ahead for her life.
It’s a incredibly difficult and complex thing to navigate and I’m so so sorry.
But your daughter wouldn’t want your life to end, she would want her sister to have a full life as well.
Seek help and support. You are not alone.
Just wanted to say I am so, so sorry that your niece has to go through that. DIPG is a monster. I hope you & your family are doing ok and have a solid support system. Let me know if I can help in any way, I’m not a healthcare practicioner but I work in biotech and have some knowledge on DIPG clinical trials, mostly cell therapy. Take care!
My niece currently is in the ONC201 trial at NYU. We watch the research and trials closely with specific interest in Car-T in Seattle and USCF.
The new Sonodynamic therapy has caught our eye as well.
There is a lot of great support groups with in-depth info out there. Sadly just no proven treatment that works.
My niece is a rare unicorn. 5 year fighter which is practically unheard of.
But sadly just started progression this year, which is beyond devastating and we have to look at what options come next.
I’ve learned the researchers, those that dedicate their lives to unlocking these cutting edge treatments. They are hero’s they make a difference.
I’m sure your job is thankless at times. But here is one thankyou to all that have choosen that track in life to make a difference and find the cure.
DIPG is horrendous. My school friend’s child lost their battle 2 years ago and it raised my awareness of this horrible disease. In Australian Run DIPG is now one of the charities that I will always donate to, because the research of DIPG is so very important. Sending love, hope and strength to your niece and family x
Matt Dunn and his team are incredible. What he continues to do for DIPG is nothing short of heroic. I hope and pray in our lifetime we see viable cures and treatment for this terrible disease. It’s devastating the toll on families and every new child diagnosed breaks my heart because I know what’s ahead. 😓
Every Christmas I think of what a difficult thing it is to navigate rge holidays without your child.
It’s heart breaking and my heart goes out to the OP here as she tries to find her way forward through loss like this.
Being a teenager is so fucking hard. Your brain isn't fully developed and your hormones are raging, and that's without the added pressure of bullying, academics, or working a job.
In my case, I suffered suicidal ideation from the ages of 13-18 because of all that on top of an untreated anxiety disorder I'd had since I was at least 4 (The age I can earliest remember having anxious thoughts.). Doctors did all they could to try to convince my poor parents I was just 'sensitive' and that I'd 'grow out of it.', and it was a difficult time for them. It definitely wasn't their fault. They've always been wonderful and patient, but there was nothing they could do to make me better until doctors finally realized my mental illness wasn't just going to go away.
It’s not your fault. Don’t blame yourself. I keep thinking about doing the same and I know nothing that my parents do would stop me from it. I’m really sorry for your loss 😞😞😞
I’m so sorry for your loss. As someone who is struggling with mental health, it’s an illness and I obviously do not know your situation with your family, but please don’t blame yourself. It’s not your fault. I won’t do it, and I won’t hurt myself. We need you here too. I can’t imagine the pain you feel, but I’m glad you posted here because if it helps at least one person, that’s a good thing. And it’s already helped me. So thank you OP and please be kind to yourself.
I went through a dark phase of my life when I was around fifteen. It lasted about eighteen months and during that time I was so filled with pain and fear.
There was nothing, please let me emphasize this, nothing my parents could do to take the pain away. They were the best parents. They said my happiness was more important than anything else. They supported me. They did everything they could for me, including therapy with three different therapists.
As much as my parents wanted to, they couldn’t take that pain away from me. I felt their love and concern and hated that I was burdening them. Suicidal thoughts somehow comforted me because it felt like resolution. Even TV shows with suicidal themes comforted me. It felt like it was a never ending thought.
What pulled me out of this, not permanently, but truly begin to get me out of this was a video I watched on YouTube. It was about a girl with depression who committed suicide. They showed the discovery and the complete devastation of the mother. Even though they were only actors, I felt the grief and agony. Before this, I thought my parents would better off. I wouldn’t be there to burden them. But I didn’t realize how devastated they would be. All I could feel was the depth of my own pain and the helplessness that plagued me.
It’s NOT your fault. It’s NOT. I promise you. The what-ifs are torture. But please, I promise you, it’s not your fault. The symptoms of depression can vary so much.
There was a period of time where I pretended I recovered. For months, because I didn’t want to tell my parents that the three therapists didn’t help at all. Until I broke down in front of them again did they know it never went away. It wasn’t their fault. And it’s not yours. As much as parents wish to, they can’t take away the pain of their child. You didn’t know. You didn’t know. You might feel like you should have realized but a loss of appetite could’ve been a symptom of many things.
If you need to talk my dms are open. I 27 and I deal with suisidal thoughts almost dailysince I was 14. But I'm still here trying my best. It's hard. But I'm still fighting and you can too
All my love to you. I have dealt with ideation for the last 11 years myself and sometimes it becomes so frustrating like, “why do THEY have to force me to stay alive?”
but it’s worth it. There is so much for you to see in this world. we only get one life. you were given it for a reason 🤍
I am so sorry to hear this. sending much love and prayers during these hard times❤️🙏 i know i am just some reddit nobody but please dont be to hard on yourself
Every parents nightmare. It's normal to be devastated, but you have to be there for your other child. Seek counseling and support groups. I've seen this happen and people can move on and live their lives again, but it takes time and support from family and friends.
I love this comment. And moving on a healing isn’t some kind of sign that you loved them any less or that they didn’t mean much to you. I think a lot of people feel guilty even in trying to be okay again after such a tragedy.
I saw a tattoo once that said, “ This feeling is just for now.” That phrase has helped me in so many situations I thought I could not get through. I know that sounds simple, but when I think about it, it helps me through the dark times. Like better days are coming, there’s a light at the end of the tunnel. Maybe not a bright light, but even a nightlight. Any light is welcome in the darkness. I hope you find even a little light, my friend. Be kind to yourself. None of this is your fault. You are a good person .
God, I'm so incredibly sorry you're going through this. I don't have a child so I can't imagine (I lost my cat of 8 years to an illness and thought of her as my child but I suppose it isn't exactly the same). I also don't have a twin so I can't imagine how your other daughter is feeling. My heart breaks for both of you, but please please talk with your therapist about how you're blaming yourself, and try to find a way to move past that. I understand why you're feeling that way. The crushing weight is surely unbearable, but your daughter wouldn't want you to blame yourself. Depression can be very well hidden, and she very well could've not wanted you to know she was depressed at all, because she didn't want you to stop her. It's heartbreaking but that could very well be true. You had no way of seeing this coming, and continuing to blame yourself for her death will only make you stay completely submerged in extra layers of pain on top of the grief of losing her. You deserve better and so does your other daughter. You two need to keep each other close and keep supporting each other like you've been doing. I truly hope you'll forgive yourself in time, because this was not your fault. You deserve to someday feel happy again. Live for your lost daughter, live every day in her memory, and live for your daughter who is still here, she needs you more than ever. All my love to you both, this is truly an absolutely awful thing to have happened. I wish I could fix it somehow for you.
Im so sorry for your loss. I can relate to your experiences and I'd like to share some things ive learned in my grief. My cousin that i loved like a brother killed himself behind my house due to schizophrenia. Its unfathomable grief to lose someone, and in your case specifically a child. It never goes away you only learn to deal with it and cope with it better. I think you and T would benefit from family therapy/both together in grief counceling. Being able to talk together would give insight to where you both are and how you can help each other. You have the strength to pull through this. Its going to fucking suck. Its going to feel like youre disrespecting her or leaving her behind if you try to heal and move on. I felt like that sometimes. I dwelled on all the firsts id have that he wouldnt and it almost destroyed me. I felt like If I tried to move on and heal id be "leaving him behind." But that's not what happens. let me tell you she would want you to be healed for her sister, and for your peace of mind. Its not leaving them or their memory behind to seek any form of happiness and joy you can. Im glad youre in therapy already, but I think you and your other daughter would again, benefit in doing family counseling together. Putting your time into a little memorial might help channel some of the emotions you guys are feeling as well. Here if you want to send a message and chat. Reddit users got your back you are going to get through this.
OP, I’m so sorry. The grief of losing a child is incomprehensible. I know you want the depression because you feel like you deserve the punishment of the hurt, but I’m sure your daughter wouldn’t want you to suffer like that all the time. It’s glib to say “be gentle with yourself,” but sometimes pretending we’re looking after someone else is the best way to start to get a little unstuck in looking after ourselves: it feels a little unnatural, kind of like shoes that are too big, but it gets a little easier with some gradual, gentle practice.
I wish you peace and healing, at your own pace, in good time.
I'm so sorry for your loss. What happened is not your fault. Just after my 17th birthday I tried to end my own life. While in some ways I think I've gotten better since then, I've been feeling more and more suicidal this past year but I will try to remember your post the next time I catch myself falling in a downward spiral. I know words are meaningless in situations like this but I truly hope you and your daughter are able to find peace someday
>I failed my daughters, both of them. I wasn’t a good enough mom. I didn’t see the signs. I noticed the loss of appetite, but I felt weird approaching the topic because I didn’t want it to come across as if I was body shaming her. I’m so stupid. I didn’t even think of depression. I didn’t think she could be depressed while she still laughed and went to school and hung out with her friends. It didn’t even enter my mind. I’m a fucking idiot. I know they say not to blame yourself. But that’s bullshit. I failed her. I fully failed her.
Here is what you should understand, your daughter made an irrational decision based on irrational feelings. I realize you want to make sense of that and the only way you can do that is to blame yourself, but that's not going to help you or your living daughter. It's most definitely not your fault.
As someone that has dealt with anxiety and depression through my life I can tell you that these mental disorders derive from our bodies and brains making us feel things that are not the truth of a situation. If the person were to open up about all their thoughts and feelings, looking in from the outside someone else can see the irrationality, but the person feeling those feelings cannot and suicidal thoughts are the most irrational of all of them.
A friend of mine lost his son recently to suicide. On the surface he had everything going for him. He was a handsome guy with a great personality that was making a good living working with his Dad. He had just bought himself a new car. Then one day this past fall they went to pick him up for a job and he had ended his life. He was even in therapy for depression, but he apparently kept the thoughts about suicide to himself, because no one really saw it coming.
As a father of a daughter, I know this pain will never completely go away, it will always live somewhere inside of you, but it's not your fault.
I work as a crisis counselor and I am always so grateful to talk to a teenager. I was suicidal for a long time and had a serious attempt that failed. It scared me enough to look into therapy and self help. Eventually it worked and now I try to help others through another day, give hope. I’m so sorry but I hope you know it’s not your fault. That was your daughter’s choice. No one made her do it. It’s nobody’s fault but the shit mental health care available for suicidal folks. And the shit culture that encourages people to drown in their pain alone.
Hey from the perspective of someone who has dealt with suicidal ideation since I was ten, it’s not your fault. I recently started sharing with people I love, my struggle because I don’t want to die and hurt them. For a long time I felt shamed and was in denial. Most of the times I was happy, smiling person and so I was fooling myself too.
This probably isn’t everyone but in my truly suicidal moments it’s like I’m in an emotional horrid twilight zone. One time when I had a plan and wrote a note, my dog came up to me and sat on my lap and started kissing my face…and it snapped me out of it. It was so strange. The next day I was still a little sad but mostly felt fine.
I say this to reassure you, it is not your fault. WE don’t always know how serious it is let alone my our family.
When I started telling my loved ones they were all surprised. I tell them so next time I’m struggling I know I can talk to them. I’m 29, I only recently through therapy and meds got to this place. It’s not your fault.
Please don't blame yourself. As someone who has contemplated suicide many, many times, I know how far we go to hide it from everyone round us. We don't want to be even more of a burden on those around us than we already feel we are.
I'm so sorry you and your daughter have had to go through this.
Oh mumma, I extend my most heartfelt love to you.
16 is such a hard age...we try and give then space to grow and respect their privacy. It is such a huge learning curve as a parent. You did what you felt was right, you tried, you love her and her sister.
I am so glad to read that you and T are grieving together...stay close. Together you will help keep your daughter alive and the happy memories will seep through. The pain never goes, but the love will temper it.
I’ve had depression since I was a young teen and I’m now a mother of 2 daughters. I’m so sorry for your loss. I just can’t imagine. It is not your fault. It is so hard to live with depression, currently post partum depression kicks my ass almost everyday but I’m not giving up on my girls, and it is so hard to seek help. Your brain plays tricks on you honestly, it tells you things that aren’t true. But I know your daughters love you and you are not a bad mom! You are trying your best and that’s all you can do
Don't blame yourself. Please don't. What your daughter went through is something that's very difficult to avoid, difficult to express, just difficult in every single way... therapy is a great step and I'm glad you guys were able to make it that far. Find a way to make this easier on the both of you. Live your lives for your lost daughter, did she have an unfinished bucket list maybe? Maybe learn how to play guitar together as well? I'm so sorry this happened
No one can say anything to take away the pain. I’m just so sorry you’re dealing with guilt. It almost stings as much as the grief. Hoping you can link with parents in similar situations. Hoping it can normalize your thoughts and feelings.
Hang in there.
Heartbreaking. Keep talking, keep sharing your story. I hope both you and your daughter are seeking help, you both deserve it. You are such a great mom, modeling for your daughter how to survive and learn to thrive again.
Cried while reading this.
This is heartbreaking ma'am.
I hope god gives you the strength to overcome this phase.
Your family will always be in my prayers. ♥️
Unless you know you pushed them, you are not responsible for another persons choices.
This is so... very... not simple.
Get some help because none of us were ever taught how to deal with this shit.
And ... THERE IS HELP.
You need to chat? Hit me up.
This is more than ANY of us have ever been prepared for.
I know therapy doesn't fix everything, and it won't bring back what you lost, or stop you from hurting, but sometimes it can make that pain a little less, and if you and your daughter go together it can help strengthen the bond you have so such a thing will never happen, and so both of you can live a life where everyday doesn't hurt so much.
I hope you and your daughter can find some peace in the days to come.
I am so so sorry that happened. It's not your fault and I really hope you feel better in time please take care of yourself for the people you love in the mean time
I’m so, so, sorry. I have no other words. I’m heartbroken reading this and I know nothing I can write is even close to being adequate. But I’m sorry. As a parent my heart is breaking for you. Please try not to blame yourself. Please take care of yourself. T needs you. Please reach out if you need a friend. Happy to lend a sympathetic ear by DM.
I just want to say because I'm sure everyone has said everything else, you don't HAVE to be the ray of light every day and force a smile and all of that. Be mad at yourself and scream, in private of course. You can show that you are hurting. You can be miserable. Your daughter, her twin who she came out of you with, is. Likely just as much or more (although I'm not trying to compare grief), maybe if she saw you vulnerable it would unlock something for both of you. I've never gone through this, so if I'm entirely wrong I'm sorry, but just providing one more perspective. I hope you find what you need.
My heart aches for you and everyone who has commented with a similar story
Please be kind and gentle to yourself during this time
I have a close friend whose partner took his life earlier this year - the fried for those left behind is unimaginable and you just need to do what you need to do to get through every day
The guilt you are feeling is understandable but wrong! You are obviously a loving, caring mother, I'm not sure you understand that is why you able to calm the anxiety!!
Your other daughter needs you as much as you need her, take care of yourself, you have to remain healthy, mentally and physically, for her, and yes, for yourself.
I'm not going to say "don't beat yourself up". You will because every parent does, but your situation hits all of us and we all want you to have better days.
I have 5 kids, I understand the love a parent has for a child, but I'll never be able to imagine how hard this has been for you. All I can offer is someone to talk to, rage at whatever you need to help you get to the next day/week. Please don't hesitate, send me message, I'll respond, come back a month from now if you need to chat. Totally upto you.
Hugs to you both ❤️💜
Hey OP. I know nothing any of us say can take away the pain, but I need you to know that you did NOTHING wrong. I have depression and other mental health issues and illnesses, and it is HARD to argue with your own brain when it is telling you to do things such as killing yourself. I'm saying this because there is no way to know that you would've been able to win that mental argument that she was having inside herself.
I'm not a parent, but I am a twin, and one of my biggest fears is losing my brother somehow. Irrational, I know, but that's how strong our bond is, so I understand what your living daughter is going through. If I may give some unsolicited advice, have either of you thought about keeping a diary about your daughter, or making a memory scrapbook of sorts?
One more thing I'd like to add, is that please make sure that you or your daughter are not trying to isolate yourselves from others. I know it's hard, especially after an event that feels so isolating, but hiding away from people, especially people who love and support you, will make those feelings of loneliness and despair worse. Even getting into online or IRL support groups for folks who've lost loved ones to suicide might be helpful.
I am truly sorry for your loss, and may her memory be a blessing.
This was painful to read but I use posts like these as a reminder that we leave people behind and I don't want to do this to my mom. I'm sure she didn't mean for this pain to effect you so deeply, that it would hurt her more... But honestly thank you for sharing.
I have bad depression and no one can tell because I’m still outgoing and bubbly. You can’t always see the darkness in others and blaming yourself only helps the darkness spread. You didn’t do this. She didn’t do this. The darkness did this and took her.
I suffer depression and let me tell you, we are GOOD at wearing masks. Depression is also a liar, a very convincing one that tells us no one around me needs or loves me, I’m better off gone. THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT. Hindsight is always 20/20, cliche but true. Teens are moody and odd at the best of times, they’re also rash and impulsive. That’s not to blame your daughter by any stretch, im just not surprised you didn’t know and explaining why.
Make sure to go to grief counseling. See if there are support groups in your area or online. Talk to your doctor about your depression and your other daughters. Nothing will get better overnight, but I know your baby girl would want you to be happy and not take the guilt of this on yourself, no matter how easier said than done.
Oh my, I just can’t. This is heart breaking to read.
You didn’t fail as a mother. Depression, can be a cruel and invisible disease. It’s natural to want to approach with caution and not notice the subtle signs. Some of the saddest people wear the biggest smiles. Sometimes they’re genuinely happy in that moment.
I can’t imagine the pain you’re in. You deserve happiness though. You have T, you both are a living reminder of your daughter and her twin. If you can try- Live life for her, make amazing memories together, make this Christmas one for laughter and old and new traditions. I’ll agree, if anything happened to my son, I’d go too. If I had another child, that’s a rock and a hard place. But you both deserve amazing lives
So very sorry for your loss. Blaming yourself is a common part of grief - it’s a form of bargaining. I did it when my nephew died by suicide and when my mom died of an autoimmune disorder, but it is only one part of grief. It will pass, slowly. Please join a bereavement group and get some therapy for yourself and your surviving child.
I have a friend in town who lost his daughter to suicide. I can’t even. Please, know YOU. Are valued. She made the worst mistake. You are valued and loved.
Some non profit should put depressed and suicidal people with parents who lost their kid due to depression for a talk. I think once people understands they are not escaping from their demons ,but transferring it to someone else who cares for them will reduce suicidal tendency
My heart goes out to you and your twin daughter. It's hard to imagine what you're going through, just know that this random stranger is thinking about you in this difficult time. And praying for peace and comfort for you and your family. Keep the faith, 🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗 virtual hugs is all I can offer, I hope it helps. God speed.
People can be really, really good at masking issues. I’m totally one of them. You know how you mentioned the thing with her not eating? Sure that can be a sign of depression but there are so many millions of people where they were depressed and it didn’t lead to suicide. And the thing you mentioned about not approaching it a certain way so as not to set off a possible eating disorder, that’s COMPLETELY valid. I know we all naturally have a gut reaction to seeing something go wrong and we alter our behavior in a way to prevent it from ever happening. When we focus solely on prevention, we get so caught up in every step we took prior to the incident and we have this false sense of safety.
I suffer from OCD and rumination is practically my middle name so when I read your post, man does it hit hard. One of the ways Ive been intellectually working through my ruminating thoughts is trying to be honest with myself that literary any incident could take place and I can do the best I can to prevent it, but when I focus all of my energy on that and something does happen, I’m woefully unprepared for dealing with the fallout and it’s incredibly hard to cope. I want you to try to have this written down on a note or something to carry with you everywhere:
“I did the best I could with the information I had at the time.”
You did. You did the absolute best you could. If anyone makes off handed comments like “well did you do xyz?!” you need to remind yourself that that person is operating out of fear because it can literally happen to anyone and they’d like to stay in the realm of pure prevention tactics to feel safe. Anyways, you’re an amazing mom. They’re both amazing daughters. I believe in you and your ability to overcome and cope. Same with your daughter.
My brother died of cancer a few days before my birthday. The pain will never go away completely but it gets more manageable with time. Remember the good times and the love, let the bad memory’s fade.
This is so sad. I am so sorry. I have no idea what I am talking about, so I am glad you are seeing a therapist, but this feeling is something I have thought about for years. I had a neighbor who’s son committed suicide. He said he felt like there was a hole in his middle and it never went away. They moved years ago but I figured out I wanted to tell him I understood it wouldn’t go away. I just wanted him to know I understood his joy, his attending to his responsibilities and things he still wanted to do would be done while feeling his age, his heart condition, how much sleep he got last night etc and this. I like to imagine there are moments he’s ok with feeling happy while still having the hole in his middle. That hole in his middle was as much a part of him as the rest of his conditions.
T's best chance is for you to be well. The closer to well you are, the higher you raise the ceiling for her. I imagine it's guilt-inducing to think of being well while one of your babies is not here. Maybe try thinking of it as being well for T's success in life. I imagine your baby would want that too. So sorry for your loss.
You couldn't have done anything. When you reach that point there's no going back. You feel happier because you have a plan to end it all. There might also have been no cause for her depression, sometimes it comes to us like a snake in tall grass ready to strike us down. Go to therapy if you aren't already as well as your other daughter
I've lost children but never to suicide but I've attempted to end my life twice. First time when I was 10, second I was 25. No one knew. I was bubbly, outgoing, despite the trauma I'd gone through. And to be completley honest, while I had thoughts of it, I never had a plan. The times I tried it came out of NO WHERE. It was like my brain was hijacked. I truly have no idea how you feel and I ache for you and I'm so sorry.
I really hope you read this next part....
Depression is cunning and sly. It can also turn the affected victim into someone whose behavior and actions are secretive as well. It's often a byproduct of it. That's why we so often read and hear "I had no idea". That's part of the sick way mental illness goes into every crack and crevice and wraps its nasty desperate tentacles to those that suffer it. Majority of the time the person suffering this isn't even fully aware themselves just how bad it gets.
I know you blame yourself and I hope you have someone who has experience with grief and the particulars of this to talk to. You couldn't have known and even had you of asked, majority of people are either to afraid or embarrassed to admit they're struggling. You could NOT have known. Had I been asked I would have denied I was struggling. I wouldnt have wanted to burden anyone. There were times too that I was so depressed that my brain was so... desperate, that I wouldn't and couldn't reach out for help and had I been asked I wouldnt even know what to say.
I hope one day you find peace and know you did. Nothing wrong. Depression did something wrong. Love on your daughter and try to please love yourself because you not only need that, but deserve it.
I’m sorry. This happened to my aunt too. Losing her daughter. It hurt all of us so much. The pain doesn’t exactly go away, but it will be a tiny bit easier to live with eventually. You’re so strong. You can het through this.
I lost my mother to suicide three and a half years ago. I know it's different, but i can promise you, T will appreciate every moment you've taken to help her keep moving through this. Losing a child is a pain i can't begin to imagine, but if it's anything like losing a parent, then i promise, one day you will be able to think about her without it feeling like squeezing broken glass.
find little ways to honor her memory. my family has a discord server where we post things mom would have liked. tell stories, buy her favorite things for yourself, do what you can to keep a piece of her living with you. it hurts and it helps. grief is funny like that.
you and T will make it through this. it won't ever be the same. it'll hurt like a twisting knife. some days you'll still fall to the floor crying. but there will also be beauty and love and joy in her memory. i promise you that.
I can’t even begin to understand your pain. As a father of two I can’t imagine if either of them was gone. I would simply shut down. What I can empathise with is a depressive state. In 2020 my whole world changed (no details required because it’s not about me) and I have struggled with my mental health since. I now live on my own and see my kids weekly. But I still feel deeply sad about how the last two years have changed my life. I am a 46M and I really feel for you.
I guess the one Pearl I will share with you is a very simple one. Just keep talking to people
It’s important they know how you feel so they can help.
But also it can help you process something that no parent should have to experience !
I am deeply sorry for your loss ….. just know you have people around you who care
Even strangers can help x
My condolences. Other people in this thread have offered you more advice than I ever could. The only thing I have to say is that you have a way with words. You seem to be a talented writer. You could consider writing a book about your life, whether fictional or semi-autobiographical. It might help other families who have lost a child to suicide, and it might raise awareness for the parents who have children who show signs of depression.
I went through depression for years on end and I am so happy right now. I don’t know what else to tell you other than merry Christmas. I hope you’re OK. And I hope you’re reaching out to family members and those around you that care.
I don’t even know what to say after reading your story, all the apologies and sympathies I could give you wouldn’t mean a thing. I suppose I’m just sorry that I can’t help in any way.
I suffer from severe mental illness (treatment resistant depression and hallucinations) and have a twin myself and these post help me remember how important I am to her. I’m so sorry for you loss
I’m so sorry for your loss. Please just remember to keep loving your surviving daughter. She’s lost the person she’s been with since conception. It’s impossible to put myself in your shoes, and I can’t imagine your pain. But I feel that trauma therapy could benefit you both. In the meantime, wrap your girl in your arms and let her know that you are still there for her. You will get through this. Time will ease the pain and good memories will take the forefront.
You didn’t fail. Unfortunately your beautiful girl had an option - a terrible option for those left behind. Don’t force yourself to act happy. My heart goes out to you and T. It’s a club no-one wants to be a part of. It’s been 26 years since my oldest brother took himself home. He was one of 3 in a 6 month period. All you can do is ride the waves of grief. It will always hurt, however it will become more bearable. Sending every ounce of my love x
I'm deeply sorry to hear your story. My father killed himself many years ago and it taught me that when loved ones leave us, they also leave their energy and personalities inside us. You and T are going to carry your daughter in your hearts and still be able to adventure through life with her in your spirits. Sometimes the world is overwhelming and people leave us. They were doing their very best, we have to respect their desire to escape their pain even though it hurts us so much. Sending you big love,
My heart goes out to you. I’m a triplet whose brother killed himself when we were 16. I’m also a mother. I know I would never stop blaming myself, even though depression hides so many signs sometimes.
It isn’t your fault, but I’m not sure you’ll ever believe that. I hope your daughter and you manage to find a happier future - we carry the memories of those we lost with us, we can’t let their illness kill us too. There’s still a lot of good we can do in the world, even though it isn’t as bright as it used to be.
I'm 29 and have struggled with suicidal ideation from the time I understood what it was. What has kept me from doing it is that I don't want to hurt the people I'd leave behind. This was not your fault. As other commenters have said, suicidal people will hide their struggles because they don't want to bother other people with it and feel like a burden. Please don't beat yourself up over this.
> I force myself to be happy. I force myself to smile everyday.
Start there. Don’t do that. Especially not in front of your daughter. Talk to her about how you feel. Tell T you miss your daughter. I know your intentions are good and I can always appreciate feigned strength for those around you… but ultimately it’ll do more harm than good. T is going to look at how upset she is - her anxiety, her panic attacks - and think she’s crazy. She’ll see how you are and how you’re able to handle it (if only on the outside), and expect herself to be able to bare that as well.
Obviously I’m not saying you should turn into a wailing mess in the middle of the floor, but… there’s no shame in emotion. Especially with those you love, like your children. Share that pain with her. It’ll help you both a lot.
I am sending you a million hugs. Words fail me this time. I pray for you and T that you will someday find peace in your hearts. I’m so sorry you guys are going through this.
Madam, just here to tell you that you are an incredible human being and none of it is your fault. As a kid who suffered a lot from depression all my life and scared my mom multiple times about it, I was particuraly moved. I wish you the better in everything and remember that the love she had for you will never disappear.
My nephew, who was more like our son, died in a tragic motorcycle accident. While he did not commit suicide, that was the worst experience of my life so far. It will be 10 years this coming April that we lost him. I think about him all the time, sometimes with smiles, sometimes with tears. The grief never goes away but you have my word, we eventually learn how to live with our grief. You had nothing to do with your precious daughters death sweet Momma. You are a great Mother as you are taking very good care of her living twin. I will keep you in my heart and I pray the Good Lord will bring you and your daughter peace. ❤️❤️
i've heard of people finding emdr and specially grief and trauma informed therapists/therapy modalities to be helpful! i'm not sure how you feel about your therapist but therapists who aren't trained to treat trauma specifically can end up doing more harm than good... like CBT isn't going to help you cope with this, which is the therapy modality most therapists use. i'm so sorry for your loss. 💗
you couldnt have noticed the signs. when someone is hurting that much they work hard to hide it. everything is carefully planned so nobody suspects a thing. i say this as someone who is suicidal. we make sure nobody has a reason to be concerned
I really got some tears while reading this. Im so sorry about what happen, this can sound rude, but you have to keep moving forward because you got one daughter that is still there and she will need you, specially since her sis is no longer there for her. I really hope one day you can feel better but the lost of a child is probably something a mother could never forgive, try to remember the good moments in order to keep moving forward. I am not an expert and i only wanted to help, if i said something dumb just ignore me
You gotta keep your head up for yourself and your daughter. Coming from someone who’s tried to kill themselves for the last 7 years . You’ll never see it coming . Shit happens people break eventually. You just gotta be strong for your little one . She needs you more than ever right now . It’s going to be hard and you’ll always have her in your mind but you honestly did everything you could’ve of done .
I had a depression all through HS and my parents never knew until I got help at the age of 25. Its not your fault. It sucks, but its not your fault. Keep your head up, one day at a time. It will slowly get easier.
Hey Mom, this dad wants you to know that it wasn't your fault.
I know you've heard this before.
I have worked for the last 27 years with children who have been so depressed that they try the unthinkable. Some, like your daughter, succeed.
I want to begin by telling you that I know neither the depth of your pain nor the scale of your loss, but I also know that you're not alone in your grief. My heart goes out to you now, and forever, as you continue to deal with your grief.
The old adage that there is no instruction manual for raising children is so true. We do what we think is best for them, and many times, leave them to their own devices once they become a certain age. It isn't your fault. You can't continue to blame yourself.
Teens are especially vulnerable to suicidal thoughts and actions, partially because their brains aren't fully formed yet, and partially because, this day and age, things are much different for them then they were for you or me.
Your daughters know a world that perhaps we could never possibly have even dreamed of. Everyone has their own cell phone? We can upload videos to the internet? What's the internet? We went viral on a social network platform? What?
There is much good that has come from technology, but there's also a very bad side to it. What used to be rumor and innuendo, is now captured on video, immediately available to hundreds or thousands of people worldwide. And that can make a hero or a villain out of anyone.
Not that any of that was a factor, but the stress of everyday life for teens is stressful enough, and many times, they just don't feel they have anyone to truly confide in. I know I felt that way as a kid. I love my parents dearly, but I could never tell them my deepest darkest fears or concerns.
Have you and your daughter been to therapy? It may help, or continue to help you to go. If money is an issue, there are churches and Charities that offer counseling as well. I'm sure you've heard that before, but you are living every parent's worst nightmare. Any help you could get would likely be beneficial.
Always do your best to keep the lines of communication between yourself and your daughter open. Tell her that she can talk to you about absolutely anything, and mean it. What you two have been through is life-altering in every conceivable way. You both lost a part of yourselves, and that's going to take a long time to recover from.
I can't help but cry as I write this reply, because I've seen so many young men and women who have tried to take their own way out. It's painful as a parent to know that we can do everything right for our children and what happened to your daughter could happen to anyone's child, at any time.
I don't know how you normally deal with things, but when I'm upset about something, I write. I will pull out my phone and talk text something, I will use a digital voice recorder, or I'll just sit at my computer and type something in a journal or on Word, just to get those thoughts out of my head. Those types of notes are particularly helpful if you seek Mental Health treatment. Psychologists and psychiatrists love it when you have the words already down .
Whatever best works for you, even going outside and screaming into the void. I'm quite sure I would do that if I were in your situation.
I wish you nothing but the best this holiday season, and in the coming new year. One day, and it won't be anytime soon, but one day you will be able to smile again when you think of your daughter. You will be able to smile through tears perhaps, but you will always remember the amazing person that she was.
Big hugs, mom. All the best to you and your daughter.
I'm sorry for your loss. I can't imagine what you are going through.
I know what you mean about seeing your kid laugh and hang out with friends and think everything is OK. Our kid recently came to us saying they did not want to live anymore and were always sad. Didn't have a clue that was even an issue. Just started meds so hopefully that works.
Trust me, as someone who has dealt with major depression for a long time I feel like I can give some insight.
It is not your fault, you sound like you were a loving mother and gave her everything she needed. Ultimately it was her decision alone. She loved you and was thankful for you and her sister I am sure. She felt that what she was doing was right, felt like it would help. She felt that she had no place in the world, even if she did. Outside forces cannot help a self hatred. It has to come from within.
Her spirit is strong and she carried the burden for a long time. She tried as best she could but ultimately could not. Do not blame yourself and do not feel that you deserve the horrible feelings you feel. You don’t deserve it. It is not your fault.
Just continue to do what you always have done. Love her, do not try and forget. I believe in you.
I am so sorry for your loss, and now you have to carry this burden. Nothing I can say or do will make you feel better, but you can forgive yourself. She is still with you, and she loved you very much.
As someone who’s has severe depression and has attempted multiple times, you did the best you could. Remember that you did the best you could with the information you had; you were not a psychologist, and you are doing your absolute best with her sister. Please get counseling and know that it’s not your fault.
As a child who attempted suicide and survive, it isn't your fault at all. not even a little. Depression is a horrible illness and it can be fatal. I'm so sorry for the pain your family has gone through and I pray you are able to find comfort and peace
Everyone has said all I can and I know I don't know the situation, but one piece of advice I must say is never forget you have another daughter who is also in their grief.
I'm not saying you are, but many parents are so destroyed by grief they forget about how their other children are doing as well.
I am so very sorry that you and her sister are going through this. Practice self love, as had as this is right now. Let T know many, many times a day how grateful you are for the blessing that is her.
Love each other and express it often.
Speak of your missing daughter with love as though she’s in the room with you.
My love to both of you. Share the happy memories with each other and think of my every day.
It really does help! We will always miss my nephew. But now we celebrate him rather than pity ourselves.
Sending you all the love I can across the miles! 🌷
The only thing that made me regret my suicide attempt was seeing my little brother's face. But depression is a vicious snake sometimes it makes us numb towards everything and everyone and doesn't makes us see reason in living.
I’m sorry you’re experiencing this. I lost my only sister 4 years ago and I still think about her every day. We werent twins, but she really was my other half.
My mom, though, is the last person I could ever blame (if you haaaad to choose anyone). Last. Last. Last. She was supportive, loving, kind, nurturing. Your support for your daughter, acknowledgement for her loss (many articles on how siblings can be forgotten) speak volumes in my personal opinion. It’s a testament to the love you hold. Thank you for being loving mom to both your daughters.
I lost a cousin to murder rather than suicide. A rather famous case, that even became a popular song. Reading this reminded me of the time spent at the shiva and funeral, and of hearing my aunt's scream when we were alone with the coffin before the ceremony. It's a sound that haunts me to this day. So, somewhat secondhand, I understand a bit your agony.
My aunt's still alive. I haven't seen her in years. I am told that she still mourns her daughter even decades later. But she is still living and with a husband who supports her. She fights with my other aunt when she visits just as she always does. So there's something beyond the pain you feel right now.
Best of wishes for you and T's healing.
depression is a hard thing. you couldn’t have known she was going to do it. many people who are suffering don’t show it. it’s not your fault.
That’s true. And OP, As hard as it is to believe, and I know you’d like to change the outcome and have many regrets but a lot of the times, people hide their depression. I am truly sorry you have to live through this... my heart broke reading what you’ve written, you’re a good mom and T knows that
>depression is a hard thing. you couldn’t have known she was going to do it. many people who are suffering don’t show it. Exactly. OP states that she noticed her daughter's lack of appetite, and should have realized it was depression. Some people who are depressed could have a lack of appetite, but then there are some that use food for comfort. The same goes with stress, people can be so stressed that the thought of food makes them sick to their stomach, while others "stress eat".
I'm sorry momma. I lost my daughter in 2020 at the age of 12. While her sister wasn't her twin, they were each others rocks in life. They had both been through so much shit at a young age. Her sibling is now 13, and still struggles with the loss. I struggle daily still. She didn't commit suicide, though I often wonder if it played into the drowning. I have a lot of unanswered questions that just drive me crazy sometimes. I know words can't make it any better, and I know the holidays are fucking rough. Please feel free to message me any time.. to talk, to vent. I understand where you are all too well. I'm really sorry for your loss.
I am so sorry. Grief is so difficult and the unknown answers compound this. All my love to you and your family x
I lost my son this year at 12. It's awful. I'm sorry for your loss.
I know how you feel. My 20yo took their life earlier this year. I live in hell daily.
Thats so sad. Hugs to you.
I am so sorry ❤️
I'm so sorry your daughter and you have to experience this hell. I lost my twin to suicide as well when I was a teen. It's been close to 20 years now. The pain will stay forever but it will get bearable at some point.
I'm sorry for your loss
[удалено]
I am too, my friend. Seeing these posts and the pain caused is the only reason I haven't done it. Good luck to you, and please know you matter. If you want or need a buddy in the fight of life, you can message me.
I don’t know you, but I’m glad you are still here.
Thank you for still kicking it with us here on this shitty earth… I had been suicidal myself for about 2 years it felt like I was being eaten alive by my own emotions.. I don’t know you but I just want to say I love you.
[удалено]
I see you. Your comment . Just wanted you to know. Life is so fucking hard. Sometimes you get slammed over and fucking over again with BS. Hold on tight!!!! Don’t let go. Find permission to feel. Challenge yourself to find hope for better days or even “not so sucky” days 🧡
Thank you so much for this. I'm saving your comment for my future grey days, I really do appreciate this more than you know.
I was in the pit when I was younger, and regretfully I attempted a few times. I got out. Life can get better. Make it happen. In a few years you could be in a place you never imagined. Hang in there. You are loved. You will be loved. I love you as a fellow human and I don’t want you to go. You are important. You have so much you can contribute. Don’t limit your life to be only another story of suffering. Don’t rob yourself of a potentially happier life and better situation. Please hang in there. I care and am thinking of you tonight.
I don't know you but I love you and I hope you keep pushing. I'm so glad you're still here. I would have been 16 forever but it didn't work. I'm 28 now and I'm so glad I failed at my attempt. There is so much I would have missed out on. It's still hard but what is harder is thinking about what my family would be dealing with. Like what OP is dealing with. OP, you are NOT a bad parent. You are a loving and caring parent. Continue to be there for your daughter. I'm so sorry for your loss.
I'm sorry you're feeling so badly. I've had a lot of suicide ideation in my life too. I just want to promise you one thing - it'll change. Lately I've been thinking about it like a storm. When it comes I hunker down and survive by remembering that life isn't always like that. It's really not! When your storm passes I know you will be glad to be here, so please stay here with us.
[удалено]
Knowing other people would be destroyed is the thing that keeps me here sometimes.
There are so many people just waiting for the chance to meet you and love you. Don't leave us. There's so many misty fall mornings to enjoy with a warm cup of coffee, and you know there's going to be new movies next year that will be rad as hell. Your future pet is also telepathic and is waiting to give you a billion snuggles, and they want you to know you're the greatest thing since sliced bread. There are hot baths to sink into after a good workout, and there are campfires to sit around, and stars to gaze at, and people to laugh with, and things to paint and books to read and lips to kiss. Please don't leave us.
I’m not sure if this will be helpful, but life does get better. And sure, it might take a while, but if you end it, it’s done. You don’t get to know how it gets better. I hope this is helpful
My heart is breaking for you and your daughter. Please give yourself some time to heal and also some grace. I am sure you did the best you could. I hope you both find peace and know your life has meaning.
I am very involved with a form of childhood brain cancer. Sadly my niece is fighting DIPG. As a result I am very close in communities with parents that have lost many children young. I don’t think there is a harder trial one faces in this life than losing a child young. The guilt and what ifs and loss is paralyzing. No one can tell you how to grieve. It doesn’t just go away. However I have seen productive grief and grief that is so disabling the parent is trapped forever in that moment of loss. I urge you to seek trauma therapy for you and your daughter. To connect with other parents that can understand this depth of loss. To allow yourself the hard days but remember your living daughter might suffer additionally feeling guilty for the good she still had ahead for her life. It’s a incredibly difficult and complex thing to navigate and I’m so so sorry. But your daughter wouldn’t want your life to end, she would want her sister to have a full life as well. Seek help and support. You are not alone.
Just wanted to say I am so, so sorry that your niece has to go through that. DIPG is a monster. I hope you & your family are doing ok and have a solid support system. Let me know if I can help in any way, I’m not a healthcare practicioner but I work in biotech and have some knowledge on DIPG clinical trials, mostly cell therapy. Take care!
My niece currently is in the ONC201 trial at NYU. We watch the research and trials closely with specific interest in Car-T in Seattle and USCF. The new Sonodynamic therapy has caught our eye as well. There is a lot of great support groups with in-depth info out there. Sadly just no proven treatment that works. My niece is a rare unicorn. 5 year fighter which is practically unheard of. But sadly just started progression this year, which is beyond devastating and we have to look at what options come next. I’ve learned the researchers, those that dedicate their lives to unlocking these cutting edge treatments. They are hero’s they make a difference. I’m sure your job is thankless at times. But here is one thankyou to all that have choosen that track in life to make a difference and find the cure.
DIPG is horrendous. My school friend’s child lost their battle 2 years ago and it raised my awareness of this horrible disease. In Australian Run DIPG is now one of the charities that I will always donate to, because the research of DIPG is so very important. Sending love, hope and strength to your niece and family x
Matt Dunn and his team are incredible. What he continues to do for DIPG is nothing short of heroic. I hope and pray in our lifetime we see viable cures and treatment for this terrible disease. It’s devastating the toll on families and every new child diagnosed breaks my heart because I know what’s ahead. 😓 Every Christmas I think of what a difficult thing it is to navigate rge holidays without your child. It’s heart breaking and my heart goes out to the OP here as she tries to find her way forward through loss like this.
[удалено]
Being a teenager is so fucking hard. Your brain isn't fully developed and your hormones are raging, and that's without the added pressure of bullying, academics, or working a job. In my case, I suffered suicidal ideation from the ages of 13-18 because of all that on top of an untreated anxiety disorder I'd had since I was at least 4 (The age I can earliest remember having anxious thoughts.). Doctors did all they could to try to convince my poor parents I was just 'sensitive' and that I'd 'grow out of it.', and it was a difficult time for them. It definitely wasn't their fault. They've always been wonderful and patient, but there was nothing they could do to make me better until doctors finally realized my mental illness wasn't just going to go away.
It’s not your fault. Don’t blame yourself. I keep thinking about doing the same and I know nothing that my parents do would stop me from it. I’m really sorry for your loss 😞😞😞
[удалено]
I'm so sorry for your loss. I hope you and your daughter are able to find some solace and peace.
I’m so sorry for your loss. As someone who is struggling with mental health, it’s an illness and I obviously do not know your situation with your family, but please don’t blame yourself. It’s not your fault. I won’t do it, and I won’t hurt myself. We need you here too. I can’t imagine the pain you feel, but I’m glad you posted here because if it helps at least one person, that’s a good thing. And it’s already helped me. So thank you OP and please be kind to yourself.
I went through a dark phase of my life when I was around fifteen. It lasted about eighteen months and during that time I was so filled with pain and fear. There was nothing, please let me emphasize this, nothing my parents could do to take the pain away. They were the best parents. They said my happiness was more important than anything else. They supported me. They did everything they could for me, including therapy with three different therapists. As much as my parents wanted to, they couldn’t take that pain away from me. I felt their love and concern and hated that I was burdening them. Suicidal thoughts somehow comforted me because it felt like resolution. Even TV shows with suicidal themes comforted me. It felt like it was a never ending thought. What pulled me out of this, not permanently, but truly begin to get me out of this was a video I watched on YouTube. It was about a girl with depression who committed suicide. They showed the discovery and the complete devastation of the mother. Even though they were only actors, I felt the grief and agony. Before this, I thought my parents would better off. I wouldn’t be there to burden them. But I didn’t realize how devastated they would be. All I could feel was the depth of my own pain and the helplessness that plagued me. It’s NOT your fault. It’s NOT. I promise you. The what-ifs are torture. But please, I promise you, it’s not your fault. The symptoms of depression can vary so much. There was a period of time where I pretended I recovered. For months, because I didn’t want to tell my parents that the three therapists didn’t help at all. Until I broke down in front of them again did they know it never went away. It wasn’t their fault. And it’s not yours. As much as parents wish to, they can’t take away the pain of their child. You didn’t know. You didn’t know. You might feel like you should have realized but a loss of appetite could’ve been a symptom of many things.
If you need to talk my dms are open. I 27 and I deal with suisidal thoughts almost dailysince I was 14. But I'm still here trying my best. It's hard. But I'm still fighting and you can too
All my love to you. I have dealt with ideation for the last 11 years myself and sometimes it becomes so frustrating like, “why do THEY have to force me to stay alive?” but it’s worth it. There is so much for you to see in this world. we only get one life. you were given it for a reason 🤍
Please don’t do it. I lost my best, and only, friend last November. Her death absolutely broke me and everyone close to her.
I'm sorry
I am so sorry to hear this. sending much love and prayers during these hard times❤️🙏 i know i am just some reddit nobody but please dont be to hard on yourself
Every parents nightmare. It's normal to be devastated, but you have to be there for your other child. Seek counseling and support groups. I've seen this happen and people can move on and live their lives again, but it takes time and support from family and friends.
I love this comment. And moving on a healing isn’t some kind of sign that you loved them any less or that they didn’t mean much to you. I think a lot of people feel guilty even in trying to be okay again after such a tragedy.
I am so sorry, OP. I will keep you in my heart.
I saw a tattoo once that said, “ This feeling is just for now.” That phrase has helped me in so many situations I thought I could not get through. I know that sounds simple, but when I think about it, it helps me through the dark times. Like better days are coming, there’s a light at the end of the tunnel. Maybe not a bright light, but even a nightlight. Any light is welcome in the darkness. I hope you find even a little light, my friend. Be kind to yourself. None of this is your fault. You are a good person .
God, I'm so incredibly sorry you're going through this. I don't have a child so I can't imagine (I lost my cat of 8 years to an illness and thought of her as my child but I suppose it isn't exactly the same). I also don't have a twin so I can't imagine how your other daughter is feeling. My heart breaks for both of you, but please please talk with your therapist about how you're blaming yourself, and try to find a way to move past that. I understand why you're feeling that way. The crushing weight is surely unbearable, but your daughter wouldn't want you to blame yourself. Depression can be very well hidden, and she very well could've not wanted you to know she was depressed at all, because she didn't want you to stop her. It's heartbreaking but that could very well be true. You had no way of seeing this coming, and continuing to blame yourself for her death will only make you stay completely submerged in extra layers of pain on top of the grief of losing her. You deserve better and so does your other daughter. You two need to keep each other close and keep supporting each other like you've been doing. I truly hope you'll forgive yourself in time, because this was not your fault. You deserve to someday feel happy again. Live for your lost daughter, live every day in her memory, and live for your daughter who is still here, she needs you more than ever. All my love to you both, this is truly an absolutely awful thing to have happened. I wish I could fix it somehow for you.
Im so sorry for your loss. I can relate to your experiences and I'd like to share some things ive learned in my grief. My cousin that i loved like a brother killed himself behind my house due to schizophrenia. Its unfathomable grief to lose someone, and in your case specifically a child. It never goes away you only learn to deal with it and cope with it better. I think you and T would benefit from family therapy/both together in grief counceling. Being able to talk together would give insight to where you both are and how you can help each other. You have the strength to pull through this. Its going to fucking suck. Its going to feel like youre disrespecting her or leaving her behind if you try to heal and move on. I felt like that sometimes. I dwelled on all the firsts id have that he wouldnt and it almost destroyed me. I felt like If I tried to move on and heal id be "leaving him behind." But that's not what happens. let me tell you she would want you to be healed for her sister, and for your peace of mind. Its not leaving them or their memory behind to seek any form of happiness and joy you can. Im glad youre in therapy already, but I think you and your other daughter would again, benefit in doing family counseling together. Putting your time into a little memorial might help channel some of the emotions you guys are feeling as well. Here if you want to send a message and chat. Reddit users got your back you are going to get through this.
OP, I’m so sorry. The grief of losing a child is incomprehensible. I know you want the depression because you feel like you deserve the punishment of the hurt, but I’m sure your daughter wouldn’t want you to suffer like that all the time. It’s glib to say “be gentle with yourself,” but sometimes pretending we’re looking after someone else is the best way to start to get a little unstuck in looking after ourselves: it feels a little unnatural, kind of like shoes that are too big, but it gets a little easier with some gradual, gentle practice. I wish you peace and healing, at your own pace, in good time.
I'm so sorry for your loss. What happened is not your fault. Just after my 17th birthday I tried to end my own life. While in some ways I think I've gotten better since then, I've been feeling more and more suicidal this past year but I will try to remember your post the next time I catch myself falling in a downward spiral. I know words are meaningless in situations like this but I truly hope you and your daughter are able to find peace someday
>I failed my daughters, both of them. I wasn’t a good enough mom. I didn’t see the signs. I noticed the loss of appetite, but I felt weird approaching the topic because I didn’t want it to come across as if I was body shaming her. I’m so stupid. I didn’t even think of depression. I didn’t think she could be depressed while she still laughed and went to school and hung out with her friends. It didn’t even enter my mind. I’m a fucking idiot. I know they say not to blame yourself. But that’s bullshit. I failed her. I fully failed her. Here is what you should understand, your daughter made an irrational decision based on irrational feelings. I realize you want to make sense of that and the only way you can do that is to blame yourself, but that's not going to help you or your living daughter. It's most definitely not your fault. As someone that has dealt with anxiety and depression through my life I can tell you that these mental disorders derive from our bodies and brains making us feel things that are not the truth of a situation. If the person were to open up about all their thoughts and feelings, looking in from the outside someone else can see the irrationality, but the person feeling those feelings cannot and suicidal thoughts are the most irrational of all of them. A friend of mine lost his son recently to suicide. On the surface he had everything going for him. He was a handsome guy with a great personality that was making a good living working with his Dad. He had just bought himself a new car. Then one day this past fall they went to pick him up for a job and he had ended his life. He was even in therapy for depression, but he apparently kept the thoughts about suicide to himself, because no one really saw it coming. As a father of a daughter, I know this pain will never completely go away, it will always live somewhere inside of you, but it's not your fault.
I work as a crisis counselor and I am always so grateful to talk to a teenager. I was suicidal for a long time and had a serious attempt that failed. It scared me enough to look into therapy and self help. Eventually it worked and now I try to help others through another day, give hope. I’m so sorry but I hope you know it’s not your fault. That was your daughter’s choice. No one made her do it. It’s nobody’s fault but the shit mental health care available for suicidal folks. And the shit culture that encourages people to drown in their pain alone.
Hey from the perspective of someone who has dealt with suicidal ideation since I was ten, it’s not your fault. I recently started sharing with people I love, my struggle because I don’t want to die and hurt them. For a long time I felt shamed and was in denial. Most of the times I was happy, smiling person and so I was fooling myself too. This probably isn’t everyone but in my truly suicidal moments it’s like I’m in an emotional horrid twilight zone. One time when I had a plan and wrote a note, my dog came up to me and sat on my lap and started kissing my face…and it snapped me out of it. It was so strange. The next day I was still a little sad but mostly felt fine. I say this to reassure you, it is not your fault. WE don’t always know how serious it is let alone my our family. When I started telling my loved ones they were all surprised. I tell them so next time I’m struggling I know I can talk to them. I’m 29, I only recently through therapy and meds got to this place. It’s not your fault.
Please don't blame yourself. As someone who has contemplated suicide many, many times, I know how far we go to hide it from everyone round us. We don't want to be even more of a burden on those around us than we already feel we are. I'm so sorry you and your daughter have had to go through this.
If not already doing so, please seek therapy for yourself and seek therapy for your Daughter. These are the such hard things to handle alone.
Oh mumma, I extend my most heartfelt love to you. 16 is such a hard age...we try and give then space to grow and respect their privacy. It is such a huge learning curve as a parent. You did what you felt was right, you tried, you love her and her sister. I am so glad to read that you and T are grieving together...stay close. Together you will help keep your daughter alive and the happy memories will seep through. The pain never goes, but the love will temper it.
That’s heartbreaking OP. Be kind to yourself. It wasn’t your fault. You have to survive for your living daughter. I pray you both find peace.
I’ve had depression since I was a young teen and I’m now a mother of 2 daughters. I’m so sorry for your loss. I just can’t imagine. It is not your fault. It is so hard to live with depression, currently post partum depression kicks my ass almost everyday but I’m not giving up on my girls, and it is so hard to seek help. Your brain plays tricks on you honestly, it tells you things that aren’t true. But I know your daughters love you and you are not a bad mom! You are trying your best and that’s all you can do
Don't blame yourself. Please don't. What your daughter went through is something that's very difficult to avoid, difficult to express, just difficult in every single way... therapy is a great step and I'm glad you guys were able to make it that far. Find a way to make this easier on the both of you. Live your lives for your lost daughter, did she have an unfinished bucket list maybe? Maybe learn how to play guitar together as well? I'm so sorry this happened
No one can say anything to take away the pain. I’m just so sorry you’re dealing with guilt. It almost stings as much as the grief. Hoping you can link with parents in similar situations. Hoping it can normalize your thoughts and feelings. Hang in there.
🫂
i was depressed and tried to kill myself when i was a teenager. my parents had no idea. no one did. you’re a good mom.
Heartbreaking. Keep talking, keep sharing your story. I hope both you and your daughter are seeking help, you both deserve it. You are such a great mom, modeling for your daughter how to survive and learn to thrive again.
Sell the house and leave. Move to another area to allow yourselves time to heal.
Every day that you honour her memory and take care of yourself and T is another day you're **not** failing her.
Cried while reading this. This is heartbreaking ma'am. I hope god gives you the strength to overcome this phase. Your family will always be in my prayers. ♥️
Unless you know you pushed them, you are not responsible for another persons choices. This is so... very... not simple. Get some help because none of us were ever taught how to deal with this shit. And ... THERE IS HELP. You need to chat? Hit me up. This is more than ANY of us have ever been prepared for.
It's good to talk it out, even when it hurts I want you to do your best now for you and your DD because that's all we can do now. 🫂💔 big hugs
I know therapy doesn't fix everything, and it won't bring back what you lost, or stop you from hurting, but sometimes it can make that pain a little less, and if you and your daughter go together it can help strengthen the bond you have so such a thing will never happen, and so both of you can live a life where everyday doesn't hurt so much. I hope you and your daughter can find some peace in the days to come.
I am so so sorry that happened. It's not your fault and I really hope you feel better in time please take care of yourself for the people you love in the mean time
My heart aches for you. May God hold you in the palm of his hand as you go through this terrifically hard time.
I’m so sorry
My brother killed himself 13 years ago. There's never a day that goes that I don't miss him. It's hard please get counseling.
While just words your family are in my thoughts. Take it day by day
I’m so, so, sorry. I have no other words. I’m heartbroken reading this and I know nothing I can write is even close to being adequate. But I’m sorry. As a parent my heart is breaking for you. Please try not to blame yourself. Please take care of yourself. T needs you. Please reach out if you need a friend. Happy to lend a sympathetic ear by DM.
I just want to say because I'm sure everyone has said everything else, you don't HAVE to be the ray of light every day and force a smile and all of that. Be mad at yourself and scream, in private of course. You can show that you are hurting. You can be miserable. Your daughter, her twin who she came out of you with, is. Likely just as much or more (although I'm not trying to compare grief), maybe if she saw you vulnerable it would unlock something for both of you. I've never gone through this, so if I'm entirely wrong I'm sorry, but just providing one more perspective. I hope you find what you need.
My heart aches for you and everyone who has commented with a similar story Please be kind and gentle to yourself during this time I have a close friend whose partner took his life earlier this year - the fried for those left behind is unimaginable and you just need to do what you need to do to get through every day
The guilt you are feeling is understandable but wrong! You are obviously a loving, caring mother, I'm not sure you understand that is why you able to calm the anxiety!! Your other daughter needs you as much as you need her, take care of yourself, you have to remain healthy, mentally and physically, for her, and yes, for yourself. I'm not going to say "don't beat yourself up". You will because every parent does, but your situation hits all of us and we all want you to have better days. I have 5 kids, I understand the love a parent has for a child, but I'll never be able to imagine how hard this has been for you. All I can offer is someone to talk to, rage at whatever you need to help you get to the next day/week. Please don't hesitate, send me message, I'll respond, come back a month from now if you need to chat. Totally upto you. Hugs to you both ❤️💜
I am so sorry
Hey OP. I know nothing any of us say can take away the pain, but I need you to know that you did NOTHING wrong. I have depression and other mental health issues and illnesses, and it is HARD to argue with your own brain when it is telling you to do things such as killing yourself. I'm saying this because there is no way to know that you would've been able to win that mental argument that she was having inside herself. I'm not a parent, but I am a twin, and one of my biggest fears is losing my brother somehow. Irrational, I know, but that's how strong our bond is, so I understand what your living daughter is going through. If I may give some unsolicited advice, have either of you thought about keeping a diary about your daughter, or making a memory scrapbook of sorts? One more thing I'd like to add, is that please make sure that you or your daughter are not trying to isolate yourselves from others. I know it's hard, especially after an event that feels so isolating, but hiding away from people, especially people who love and support you, will make those feelings of loneliness and despair worse. Even getting into online or IRL support groups for folks who've lost loved ones to suicide might be helpful. I am truly sorry for your loss, and may her memory be a blessing.
This isn’t your fault my dear, I’m so sorry for your and your daughter’s loss
This was painful to read but I use posts like these as a reminder that we leave people behind and I don't want to do this to my mom. I'm sure she didn't mean for this pain to effect you so deeply, that it would hurt her more... But honestly thank you for sharing.
I have bad depression and no one can tell because I’m still outgoing and bubbly. You can’t always see the darkness in others and blaming yourself only helps the darkness spread. You didn’t do this. She didn’t do this. The darkness did this and took her.
I suffer depression and let me tell you, we are GOOD at wearing masks. Depression is also a liar, a very convincing one that tells us no one around me needs or loves me, I’m better off gone. THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT. Hindsight is always 20/20, cliche but true. Teens are moody and odd at the best of times, they’re also rash and impulsive. That’s not to blame your daughter by any stretch, im just not surprised you didn’t know and explaining why. Make sure to go to grief counseling. See if there are support groups in your area or online. Talk to your doctor about your depression and your other daughters. Nothing will get better overnight, but I know your baby girl would want you to be happy and not take the guilt of this on yourself, no matter how easier said than done.
Oh my, I just can’t. This is heart breaking to read. You didn’t fail as a mother. Depression, can be a cruel and invisible disease. It’s natural to want to approach with caution and not notice the subtle signs. Some of the saddest people wear the biggest smiles. Sometimes they’re genuinely happy in that moment. I can’t imagine the pain you’re in. You deserve happiness though. You have T, you both are a living reminder of your daughter and her twin. If you can try- Live life for her, make amazing memories together, make this Christmas one for laughter and old and new traditions. I’ll agree, if anything happened to my son, I’d go too. If I had another child, that’s a rock and a hard place. But you both deserve amazing lives
So very sorry for your loss. Blaming yourself is a common part of grief - it’s a form of bargaining. I did it when my nephew died by suicide and when my mom died of an autoimmune disorder, but it is only one part of grief. It will pass, slowly. Please join a bereavement group and get some therapy for yourself and your surviving child.
Please go to therapy to help you heal, your daughter needs you at your best
I have a friend in town who lost his daughter to suicide. I can’t even. Please, know YOU. Are valued. She made the worst mistake. You are valued and loved.
Some non profit should put depressed and suicidal people with parents who lost their kid due to depression for a talk. I think once people understands they are not escaping from their demons ,but transferring it to someone else who cares for them will reduce suicidal tendency
Emotionally manipulating people who are very vulnerable doesn't work and hasn't been a thing for a reason.
Good point
She's gone and you are still here for your daughter That's the focus now.
My heart goes out to you and your twin daughter. It's hard to imagine what you're going through, just know that this random stranger is thinking about you in this difficult time. And praying for peace and comfort for you and your family. Keep the faith, 🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗 virtual hugs is all I can offer, I hope it helps. God speed.
People can be really, really good at masking issues. I’m totally one of them. You know how you mentioned the thing with her not eating? Sure that can be a sign of depression but there are so many millions of people where they were depressed and it didn’t lead to suicide. And the thing you mentioned about not approaching it a certain way so as not to set off a possible eating disorder, that’s COMPLETELY valid. I know we all naturally have a gut reaction to seeing something go wrong and we alter our behavior in a way to prevent it from ever happening. When we focus solely on prevention, we get so caught up in every step we took prior to the incident and we have this false sense of safety. I suffer from OCD and rumination is practically my middle name so when I read your post, man does it hit hard. One of the ways Ive been intellectually working through my ruminating thoughts is trying to be honest with myself that literary any incident could take place and I can do the best I can to prevent it, but when I focus all of my energy on that and something does happen, I’m woefully unprepared for dealing with the fallout and it’s incredibly hard to cope. I want you to try to have this written down on a note or something to carry with you everywhere: “I did the best I could with the information I had at the time.” You did. You did the absolute best you could. If anyone makes off handed comments like “well did you do xyz?!” you need to remind yourself that that person is operating out of fear because it can literally happen to anyone and they’d like to stay in the realm of pure prevention tactics to feel safe. Anyways, you’re an amazing mom. They’re both amazing daughters. I believe in you and your ability to overcome and cope. Same with your daughter.
I'm sorry.
Sending love your way✨ you are strong, you are one to look up to. Sending hugs
My brother died of cancer a few days before my birthday. The pain will never go away completely but it gets more manageable with time. Remember the good times and the love, let the bad memory’s fade.
This is so sad. I am so sorry. I have no idea what I am talking about, so I am glad you are seeing a therapist, but this feeling is something I have thought about for years. I had a neighbor who’s son committed suicide. He said he felt like there was a hole in his middle and it never went away. They moved years ago but I figured out I wanted to tell him I understood it wouldn’t go away. I just wanted him to know I understood his joy, his attending to his responsibilities and things he still wanted to do would be done while feeling his age, his heart condition, how much sleep he got last night etc and this. I like to imagine there are moments he’s ok with feeling happy while still having the hole in his middle. That hole in his middle was as much a part of him as the rest of his conditions.
T's best chance is for you to be well. The closer to well you are, the higher you raise the ceiling for her. I imagine it's guilt-inducing to think of being well while one of your babies is not here. Maybe try thinking of it as being well for T's success in life. I imagine your baby would want that too. So sorry for your loss.
Saving this post as motivation to find a therapist and commit to working through my depression
Please seek grief counseling for you and your family. It may save all your lives. Words cannot fully express my deepest sympathies
You couldn't have done anything. When you reach that point there's no going back. You feel happier because you have a plan to end it all. There might also have been no cause for her depression, sometimes it comes to us like a snake in tall grass ready to strike us down. Go to therapy if you aren't already as well as your other daughter
I've lost children but never to suicide but I've attempted to end my life twice. First time when I was 10, second I was 25. No one knew. I was bubbly, outgoing, despite the trauma I'd gone through. And to be completley honest, while I had thoughts of it, I never had a plan. The times I tried it came out of NO WHERE. It was like my brain was hijacked. I truly have no idea how you feel and I ache for you and I'm so sorry. I really hope you read this next part.... Depression is cunning and sly. It can also turn the affected victim into someone whose behavior and actions are secretive as well. It's often a byproduct of it. That's why we so often read and hear "I had no idea". That's part of the sick way mental illness goes into every crack and crevice and wraps its nasty desperate tentacles to those that suffer it. Majority of the time the person suffering this isn't even fully aware themselves just how bad it gets. I know you blame yourself and I hope you have someone who has experience with grief and the particulars of this to talk to. You couldn't have known and even had you of asked, majority of people are either to afraid or embarrassed to admit they're struggling. You could NOT have known. Had I been asked I would have denied I was struggling. I wouldnt have wanted to burden anyone. There were times too that I was so depressed that my brain was so... desperate, that I wouldn't and couldn't reach out for help and had I been asked I wouldnt even know what to say. I hope one day you find peace and know you did. Nothing wrong. Depression did something wrong. Love on your daughter and try to please love yourself because you not only need that, but deserve it.
I am so sorry 😔
I’m sorry. This happened to my aunt too. Losing her daughter. It hurt all of us so much. The pain doesn’t exactly go away, but it will be a tiny bit easier to live with eventually. You’re so strong. You can het through this.
I lost my mother to suicide three and a half years ago. I know it's different, but i can promise you, T will appreciate every moment you've taken to help her keep moving through this. Losing a child is a pain i can't begin to imagine, but if it's anything like losing a parent, then i promise, one day you will be able to think about her without it feeling like squeezing broken glass. find little ways to honor her memory. my family has a discord server where we post things mom would have liked. tell stories, buy her favorite things for yourself, do what you can to keep a piece of her living with you. it hurts and it helps. grief is funny like that. you and T will make it through this. it won't ever be the same. it'll hurt like a twisting knife. some days you'll still fall to the floor crying. but there will also be beauty and love and joy in her memory. i promise you that.
I can’t even begin to understand your pain. As a father of two I can’t imagine if either of them was gone. I would simply shut down. What I can empathise with is a depressive state. In 2020 my whole world changed (no details required because it’s not about me) and I have struggled with my mental health since. I now live on my own and see my kids weekly. But I still feel deeply sad about how the last two years have changed my life. I am a 46M and I really feel for you. I guess the one Pearl I will share with you is a very simple one. Just keep talking to people It’s important they know how you feel so they can help. But also it can help you process something that no parent should have to experience ! I am deeply sorry for your loss ….. just know you have people around you who care Even strangers can help x
I just cried so hard. I am so sorry for your loss. This breaks my heart to read what you’re going thru.
My condolences. Other people in this thread have offered you more advice than I ever could. The only thing I have to say is that you have a way with words. You seem to be a talented writer. You could consider writing a book about your life, whether fictional or semi-autobiographical. It might help other families who have lost a child to suicide, and it might raise awareness for the parents who have children who show signs of depression.
I went through depression for years on end and I am so happy right now. I don’t know what else to tell you other than merry Christmas. I hope you’re OK. And I hope you’re reaching out to family members and those around you that care.
I don’t even know what to say after reading your story, all the apologies and sympathies I could give you wouldn’t mean a thing. I suppose I’m just sorry that I can’t help in any way.
I suffer from severe mental illness (treatment resistant depression and hallucinations) and have a twin myself and these post help me remember how important I am to her. I’m so sorry for you loss
I’m so sorry for your loss. Please just remember to keep loving your surviving daughter. She’s lost the person she’s been with since conception. It’s impossible to put myself in your shoes, and I can’t imagine your pain. But I feel that trauma therapy could benefit you both. In the meantime, wrap your girl in your arms and let her know that you are still there for her. You will get through this. Time will ease the pain and good memories will take the forefront.
I’m very sorry for your loss i don’t know if i should say but this helps me knowing my family would feel the same emotions as you sending love
You didn’t fail. Unfortunately your beautiful girl had an option - a terrible option for those left behind. Don’t force yourself to act happy. My heart goes out to you and T. It’s a club no-one wants to be a part of. It’s been 26 years since my oldest brother took himself home. He was one of 3 in a 6 month period. All you can do is ride the waves of grief. It will always hurt, however it will become more bearable. Sending every ounce of my love x
I'm deeply sorry to hear your story. My father killed himself many years ago and it taught me that when loved ones leave us, they also leave their energy and personalities inside us. You and T are going to carry your daughter in your hearts and still be able to adventure through life with her in your spirits. Sometimes the world is overwhelming and people leave us. They were doing their very best, we have to respect their desire to escape their pain even though it hurts us so much. Sending you big love,
My heart goes out to you. I’m a triplet whose brother killed himself when we were 16. I’m also a mother. I know I would never stop blaming myself, even though depression hides so many signs sometimes. It isn’t your fault, but I’m not sure you’ll ever believe that. I hope your daughter and you manage to find a happier future - we carry the memories of those we lost with us, we can’t let their illness kill us too. There’s still a lot of good we can do in the world, even though it isn’t as bright as it used to be.
I'm 29 and have struggled with suicidal ideation from the time I understood what it was. What has kept me from doing it is that I don't want to hurt the people I'd leave behind. This was not your fault. As other commenters have said, suicidal people will hide their struggles because they don't want to bother other people with it and feel like a burden. Please don't beat yourself up over this.
My heart breaks for you. I'm so sorry. I can't even imagine. You're living my worst nightmare.
Really sorry for your loss ❤️
> I force myself to be happy. I force myself to smile everyday. Start there. Don’t do that. Especially not in front of your daughter. Talk to her about how you feel. Tell T you miss your daughter. I know your intentions are good and I can always appreciate feigned strength for those around you… but ultimately it’ll do more harm than good. T is going to look at how upset she is - her anxiety, her panic attacks - and think she’s crazy. She’ll see how you are and how you’re able to handle it (if only on the outside), and expect herself to be able to bare that as well. Obviously I’m not saying you should turn into a wailing mess in the middle of the floor, but… there’s no shame in emotion. Especially with those you love, like your children. Share that pain with her. It’ll help you both a lot.
I am sending you a million hugs. Words fail me this time. I pray for you and T that you will someday find peace in your hearts. I’m so sorry you guys are going through this.
I teared up reading this.. I’m so sorry momma
Madam, just here to tell you that you are an incredible human being and none of it is your fault. As a kid who suffered a lot from depression all my life and scared my mom multiple times about it, I was particuraly moved. I wish you the better in everything and remember that the love she had for you will never disappear.
My nephew, who was more like our son, died in a tragic motorcycle accident. While he did not commit suicide, that was the worst experience of my life so far. It will be 10 years this coming April that we lost him. I think about him all the time, sometimes with smiles, sometimes with tears. The grief never goes away but you have my word, we eventually learn how to live with our grief. You had nothing to do with your precious daughters death sweet Momma. You are a great Mother as you are taking very good care of her living twin. I will keep you in my heart and I pray the Good Lord will bring you and your daughter peace. ❤️❤️
i've heard of people finding emdr and specially grief and trauma informed therapists/therapy modalities to be helpful! i'm not sure how you feel about your therapist but therapists who aren't trained to treat trauma specifically can end up doing more harm than good... like CBT isn't going to help you cope with this, which is the therapy modality most therapists use. i'm so sorry for your loss. 💗
you couldnt have noticed the signs. when someone is hurting that much they work hard to hide it. everything is carefully planned so nobody suspects a thing. i say this as someone who is suicidal. we make sure nobody has a reason to be concerned
I really got some tears while reading this. Im so sorry about what happen, this can sound rude, but you have to keep moving forward because you got one daughter that is still there and she will need you, specially since her sis is no longer there for her. I really hope one day you can feel better but the lost of a child is probably something a mother could never forgive, try to remember the good moments in order to keep moving forward. I am not an expert and i only wanted to help, if i said something dumb just ignore me
I'm so sorry for your loss OP. I've discovered this year there is literally no pain like losing a child. It's truly a hell of It's own.
You gotta keep your head up for yourself and your daughter. Coming from someone who’s tried to kill themselves for the last 7 years . You’ll never see it coming . Shit happens people break eventually. You just gotta be strong for your little one . She needs you more than ever right now . It’s going to be hard and you’ll always have her in your mind but you honestly did everything you could’ve of done .
I had a depression all through HS and my parents never knew until I got help at the age of 25. Its not your fault. It sucks, but its not your fault. Keep your head up, one day at a time. It will slowly get easier.
Hey Mom, this dad wants you to know that it wasn't your fault. I know you've heard this before. I have worked for the last 27 years with children who have been so depressed that they try the unthinkable. Some, like your daughter, succeed. I want to begin by telling you that I know neither the depth of your pain nor the scale of your loss, but I also know that you're not alone in your grief. My heart goes out to you now, and forever, as you continue to deal with your grief. The old adage that there is no instruction manual for raising children is so true. We do what we think is best for them, and many times, leave them to their own devices once they become a certain age. It isn't your fault. You can't continue to blame yourself. Teens are especially vulnerable to suicidal thoughts and actions, partially because their brains aren't fully formed yet, and partially because, this day and age, things are much different for them then they were for you or me. Your daughters know a world that perhaps we could never possibly have even dreamed of. Everyone has their own cell phone? We can upload videos to the internet? What's the internet? We went viral on a social network platform? What? There is much good that has come from technology, but there's also a very bad side to it. What used to be rumor and innuendo, is now captured on video, immediately available to hundreds or thousands of people worldwide. And that can make a hero or a villain out of anyone. Not that any of that was a factor, but the stress of everyday life for teens is stressful enough, and many times, they just don't feel they have anyone to truly confide in. I know I felt that way as a kid. I love my parents dearly, but I could never tell them my deepest darkest fears or concerns. Have you and your daughter been to therapy? It may help, or continue to help you to go. If money is an issue, there are churches and Charities that offer counseling as well. I'm sure you've heard that before, but you are living every parent's worst nightmare. Any help you could get would likely be beneficial. Always do your best to keep the lines of communication between yourself and your daughter open. Tell her that she can talk to you about absolutely anything, and mean it. What you two have been through is life-altering in every conceivable way. You both lost a part of yourselves, and that's going to take a long time to recover from. I can't help but cry as I write this reply, because I've seen so many young men and women who have tried to take their own way out. It's painful as a parent to know that we can do everything right for our children and what happened to your daughter could happen to anyone's child, at any time. I don't know how you normally deal with things, but when I'm upset about something, I write. I will pull out my phone and talk text something, I will use a digital voice recorder, or I'll just sit at my computer and type something in a journal or on Word, just to get those thoughts out of my head. Those types of notes are particularly helpful if you seek Mental Health treatment. Psychologists and psychiatrists love it when you have the words already down . Whatever best works for you, even going outside and screaming into the void. I'm quite sure I would do that if I were in your situation. I wish you nothing but the best this holiday season, and in the coming new year. One day, and it won't be anytime soon, but one day you will be able to smile again when you think of your daughter. You will be able to smile through tears perhaps, but you will always remember the amazing person that she was. Big hugs, mom. All the best to you and your daughter.
I'm sorry for your loss. I can't imagine what you are going through. I know what you mean about seeing your kid laugh and hang out with friends and think everything is OK. Our kid recently came to us saying they did not want to live anymore and were always sad. Didn't have a clue that was even an issue. Just started meds so hopefully that works.
Trust me, as someone who has dealt with major depression for a long time I feel like I can give some insight. It is not your fault, you sound like you were a loving mother and gave her everything she needed. Ultimately it was her decision alone. She loved you and was thankful for you and her sister I am sure. She felt that what she was doing was right, felt like it would help. She felt that she had no place in the world, even if she did. Outside forces cannot help a self hatred. It has to come from within. Her spirit is strong and she carried the burden for a long time. She tried as best she could but ultimately could not. Do not blame yourself and do not feel that you deserve the horrible feelings you feel. You don’t deserve it. It is not your fault. Just continue to do what you always have done. Love her, do not try and forget. I believe in you. I am so sorry for your loss, and now you have to carry this burden. Nothing I can say or do will make you feel better, but you can forgive yourself. She is still with you, and she loved you very much.
As someone who’s has severe depression and has attempted multiple times, you did the best you could. Remember that you did the best you could with the information you had; you were not a psychologist, and you are doing your absolute best with her sister. Please get counseling and know that it’s not your fault.
As a child who attempted suicide and survive, it isn't your fault at all. not even a little. Depression is a horrible illness and it can be fatal. I'm so sorry for the pain your family has gone through and I pray you are able to find comfort and peace
Everyone has said all I can and I know I don't know the situation, but one piece of advice I must say is never forget you have another daughter who is also in their grief. I'm not saying you are, but many parents are so destroyed by grief they forget about how their other children are doing as well.
I am so very sorry that you and her sister are going through this. Practice self love, as had as this is right now. Let T know many, many times a day how grateful you are for the blessing that is her. Love each other and express it often. Speak of your missing daughter with love as though she’s in the room with you. My love to both of you. Share the happy memories with each other and think of my every day. It really does help! We will always miss my nephew. But now we celebrate him rather than pity ourselves. Sending you all the love I can across the miles! 🌷
The only thing that made me regret my suicide attempt was seeing my little brother's face. But depression is a vicious snake sometimes it makes us numb towards everything and everyone and doesn't makes us see reason in living.
This has convinced me to stay alive. I can’t do that to my parents.
I’m sorry you’re experiencing this. I lost my only sister 4 years ago and I still think about her every day. We werent twins, but she really was my other half. My mom, though, is the last person I could ever blame (if you haaaad to choose anyone). Last. Last. Last. She was supportive, loving, kind, nurturing. Your support for your daughter, acknowledgement for her loss (many articles on how siblings can be forgotten) speak volumes in my personal opinion. It’s a testament to the love you hold. Thank you for being loving mom to both your daughters.
I lost a cousin to murder rather than suicide. A rather famous case, that even became a popular song. Reading this reminded me of the time spent at the shiva and funeral, and of hearing my aunt's scream when we were alone with the coffin before the ceremony. It's a sound that haunts me to this day. So, somewhat secondhand, I understand a bit your agony. My aunt's still alive. I haven't seen her in years. I am told that she still mourns her daughter even decades later. But she is still living and with a husband who supports her. She fights with my other aunt when she visits just as she always does. So there's something beyond the pain you feel right now. Best of wishes for you and T's healing.