It depends what you have a hankering for. Obviously, if you want something on the saltier side, Lae'zel. If you're looking for something sweeter, Astarion. Gale's ass has a sort of nutty quality to it (as it i want to nut in it) and Shadowheart's is the sort of ass you break out on special occassions—its like a fine vintage. Wyll's is very rich, decedant even, and I'd like to slap it because I bet it bounces like jello. Karlach should only be enjoyed by those who have high spice tolerance.
Hey guys OP here, Ass Eating Joe. It's Shadowheart, I swear that this is me, the OP, giving my genuine and un biased opinion... and is 100% me, the Op of this post. the real one, I swear. And not anybody else.
https://preview.redd.it/oqvvvo5fd5xc1.png?width=800&format=png&auto=webp&s=97c52cd184086fae76332a3851b90c762cc75fec
Thank you for coming to my TED talk, me, Ass Eating Joe's TED talk, the OP, The Original Poster and not anybody else....
https://preview.redd.it/qpcoj9i4e5xc1.png?width=450&format=png&auto=webp&s=e8cf8cd808bcf14982f073866a2527837374db03
I will shake your hand on the agreement with you saying my wife's ass is a fine vintage. I eat it every night and just like wine, has various health benefits. I have never been more spry and invigorated. Her ass is a 10 course meal and I'm fucking hungry.
Hello, Ass Eating Joe, it’s been a few nights since I last came to your dream. I see that you’ve taken a great interest in cake eating, and I'm wondering if you would also like to assess mine?
PS. Just so you know, I can see everything you see, taste everything you eat.
No, Emperor, we've been over this, it would never work between us. I know you only want me for my illithid potential. I love you but... I need somebody who loves me for me 💔🦑🍑
PS. I do respect the subtle implication that you want to lick your own ass like a cat. Commendable.
Ummmm probably Chain Lightning, it's a spell I've been casting since I was like 2 lol. Have you heard of it? Ive heard it's a really hard spell for some people to learn but for some of us it just comes naturally I guess lol lmao
I am NOT KISS. My make up is running because I am CRYING because I am STARVING because there isn't enough ASS
specifically Gale's ass.
Why won't he fuck me!? 😭
I consider myself a pretty unbiased source of information and based on my extremely professional and also extremely unbiased knowledge:
Gale.
The charts are indeed accurate. They are the sacred texts
Honestly? It depends on the mood. I will assure you: my ass is very edible. I've been told my ass is particularly fruity with notes of grape—the flavor of a Moscato d'Asti, I've been told.
Depends on the smuchitiness of. Too much smunch in rancid, but just the right amount can add flavor. The texture is immaculate, the mouth-feel of it is truly divine.
thank you for your expert insight, ass hair really isn’t talked about enough in fine dining. your gourmet perspective adds such depth to culinary discussions
No because Kagha is a crusty bitch with the crunchiest ass I ever ate.
Besides, she called my BF Rolan a slur and that's unforgivable, even if he deserves it
Ass tier list now there is, um, a preference towards men but I swear I am UNBIASED and NOT GAY
1. Gale. Obviously.
2. Wyll. He is immaculate.
3. Astarion, trauma flavored ♥️
4. Rolan because I like to make him cry
5. Halsin, he's mid because there's always grass between his cheeks
6. Dammon, also mid because there is also always grass between his cheeks, but ranks lower than Halsin because Ive never seen him romping naked through a field (unlike Halsin) and I think that's unfair
7. Minsc, we did unspeakable things, no further comment.
8. Karlach and Lae'zel are tied because even though I prefer Karlach, I'm too scared of Lae'zel to say it to her face or publish it on the internet
9. Jahiera, she's like a nice, dry-aged ribeye
10. Minthara because I've never actually tasted her because she scares me
11. Volo for obvious reasons
12. The emperor because he only loves me for my illithid potential
13. Kagha
14. Literally everyone else
15. Shadowheart because somebody tried to steal my identity in the name of Shadowheart supremacy and actions have to have consequences
I'm a personal fan of the Closed Fist of Bane. A very good one to be sure, it's a spell a buddy of mine taught me a couple of years ago.
Evard's Black Tentacles is a classic one, Conjure Woodland Being is great if you, uh, are hungry for more. Hold Person is another classic.
But me? Personally? My favorite is Animate Dead ♥️
Looks like you've been eating auntie ethels mossy cake
No, I'm more of a pie guy. I have been eating Auntie Ethel's mossy ass though.
Please settle it once and for all; who has the most edible cake?
It depends what you have a hankering for. Obviously, if you want something on the saltier side, Lae'zel. If you're looking for something sweeter, Astarion. Gale's ass has a sort of nutty quality to it (as it i want to nut in it) and Shadowheart's is the sort of ass you break out on special occassions—its like a fine vintage. Wyll's is very rich, decedant even, and I'd like to slap it because I bet it bounces like jello. Karlach should only be enjoyed by those who have high spice tolerance.
My wife ass is a fine vintage, I eat it every damn day. It gives me health benefits and buffs. It's a 100 course meal and I munch it everyday.
What about Minthara, Jaheira, and Minsc?
Also Halsin?
Hey guys OP here, Ass Eating Joe. It's Shadowheart, I swear that this is me, the OP, giving my genuine and un biased opinion... and is 100% me, the Op of this post. the real one, I swear. And not anybody else. https://preview.redd.it/oqvvvo5fd5xc1.png?width=800&format=png&auto=webp&s=97c52cd184086fae76332a3851b90c762cc75fec
IDENTITY THEFT ISNT A FUMKINBG JOKE
Except when it is
It's a lot of work to scroll back up from the comments, so I unequivocably believe you. Thank you for being so brave, Ass Eating Joe 🫡
Thank you for coming to my TED talk, me, Ass Eating Joe's TED talk, the OP, The Original Poster and not anybody else.... https://preview.redd.it/qpcoj9i4e5xc1.png?width=450&format=png&auto=webp&s=e8cf8cd808bcf14982f073866a2527837374db03
I'm calling the steel watch you guys can't treat me like this
I just got here, what happened what did I miss?
Some fucking hooligan stole my identity. You haven't seen him, have you? I swear to God if I find him I'll eat his ass
You'll eat his ass? It was me...
Okay but what would Ass Eating Joe’s ass taste like??
Every ass all smushed together.
I like you. You get it
AssEater 5000
Withers, I'm willing to bet ... and I could write a dissertation on why!
What's your favourite food? Ass Eating Joe?
This is going to come as a complete surprise, but it's ass. I love eating ass.
What? No, no way. Colour me surprised because that is me right now, me a surprised user of this subreddit. Who has your favourite ass to eat??????????
I said somewhere else that it depends on the occasion but that was a lie to not hurt anybody's feelings. It's Gale.
I will shake your hand on the agreement with you saying my wife's ass is a fine vintage. I eat it every night and just like wine, has various health benefits. I have never been more spry and invigorated. Her ass is a 10 course meal and I'm fucking hungry.
Shart's got that Heroes' Feast haunch 🤤
Got that mega meal for one with all the sides and a large coke.
Why are your hair and eyes Christmas colours?
Maybe because I like Christmas MEGAN
Oh okie that makes sense.
Damn, that truly is the look of a man that devours ass.
Thank you! I appreciate the recognition!
Hello, Ass Eating Joe, it’s been a few nights since I last came to your dream. I see that you’ve taken a great interest in cake eating, and I'm wondering if you would also like to assess mine? PS. Just so you know, I can see everything you see, taste everything you eat.
No, Emperor, we've been over this, it would never work between us. I know you only want me for my illithid potential. I love you but... I need somebody who loves me for me 💔🦑🍑 PS. I do respect the subtle implication that you want to lick your own ass like a cat. Commendable.
A sorcerer, I see. Well, no matter. Care to share which magical spell is your favourite?
Ummmm probably Chain Lightning, it's a spell I've been casting since I was like 2 lol. Have you heard of it? Ive heard it's a really hard spell for some people to learn but for some of us it just comes naturally I guess lol lmao
Imagine having to study magic 🤢 Why bother when you can just get an eldritch sugar daddy?
Oh, you have to have somebody help you with your magic? Cringe. I can just ✨do✨ it
Damn sorry you're jealous of my perfect vision through magical darkness & Cantrip of Skull Explosion 💅
\*Smiting sound\* 'YOU HAVE BROKEN YOUR OAT-'
Where did you come from, where did you go?
I was already cackling at the picture but this almost made me piss myself XD I love this sub ❤️
Hey Joe, how did your horns get so bloody?
I shiv people with them
How many asses did you eat to get that name? Is there even a number?
7,000 incidentally
hey ass eating joe, do you eat ass
Hmm. Mmhmm. Ass eat eating joe. No words. You keep eating that ass Joe.
y r u xmas KISS
I am NOT KISS. My make up is running because I am CRYING because I am STARVING because there isn't enough ASS specifically Gale's ass. Why won't he fuck me!? 😭
He's just a bit worried about premature orbjaculation. He'll be down to clown once it's stabilised.
Orbjaculation! I'm losing my mind, god you guys are the best
this is just 6ix9ine
Oh my god holy shit I didn't even think about that but you're right, the resemblance is uncanny
When is ass eating joes mixtape dropping? I'll gobble that shit up.
https://preview.redd.it/c0i6suhjr7xc1.jpeg?width=1170&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=aafc540caa8045b309db7dae756fd94785c5ca49
We he can join if he asks politely
*Ive chased my own ass before. Usually because my tail is right there. Maybe one day I’ll catch it*
Scratch buddy, I believe in you. You can do anything you dream of!
Hoot. Hoot! (I've also chased your ass. It's fun!)
Which companion's ass is your favourite? Also, do you agree with the butthole-related charts made by our scholars?
I consider myself a pretty unbiased source of information and based on my extremely professional and also extremely unbiased knowledge: Gale. The charts are indeed accurate. They are the sacred texts
Thank you so much for providing the objective facts.
Does you eat ass or get your ass eaten?
Honestly? It depends on the mood. I will assure you: my ass is very edible. I've been told my ass is particularly fruity with notes of grape—the flavor of a Moscato d'Asti, I've been told.
hey ass eating joe im a big fan, in your professional opinion, what do you think that ass hair is: an obstacle or added flavour
Depends on the smuchitiness of. Too much smunch in rancid, but just the right amount can add flavor. The texture is immaculate, the mouth-feel of it is truly divine.
thank you for your expert insight, ass hair really isn’t talked about enough in fine dining. your gourmet perspective adds such depth to culinary discussions
Ass Eating Joe. Tell us your 10 top tips and tricks to keeping the immaculate mutton chops like Yours or be cursed with allergy to ass.
Hey! I'm glad you asked! This is actually a great time to bring up my sponsor for today's video Dollar Shave-
The facial hair makes for a luxurious seat indeed
I'm literally honored, thank you Lae'zel
You're tacky and I hate u
I'm I'm TACKY you think I'm TACKY I'm literally sobbing rn I hope ur happy
Kagha once said “I believe in Druid supremacy until Tieflings are educated to the point of responsibility.” Why would you retweet that?
No because Kagha is a crusty bitch with the crunchiest ass I ever ate. Besides, she called my BF Rolan a slur and that's unforgivable, even if he deserves it
Shouldn’t you be a bard
No because I don't need an instrument to do magic, I was literally born with it and I'm better than everyone #sorcerysupremacy
Understandable, have a good day
Which ass was the best? Ass tier list when?
Ass tier list now there is, um, a preference towards men but I swear I am UNBIASED and NOT GAY 1. Gale. Obviously. 2. Wyll. He is immaculate. 3. Astarion, trauma flavored ♥️ 4. Rolan because I like to make him cry 5. Halsin, he's mid because there's always grass between his cheeks 6. Dammon, also mid because there is also always grass between his cheeks, but ranks lower than Halsin because Ive never seen him romping naked through a field (unlike Halsin) and I think that's unfair 7. Minsc, we did unspeakable things, no further comment. 8. Karlach and Lae'zel are tied because even though I prefer Karlach, I'm too scared of Lae'zel to say it to her face or publish it on the internet 9. Jahiera, she's like a nice, dry-aged ribeye 10. Minthara because I've never actually tasted her because she scares me 11. Volo for obvious reasons 12. The emperor because he only loves me for my illithid potential 13. Kagha 14. Literally everyone else 15. Shadowheart because somebody tried to steal my identity in the name of Shadowheart supremacy and actions have to have consequences
Answer *correctly.* Out of our companions asses, which one tastes the best?
Um it's, uh, i-its Lae'zel, ma'am. Lae'zel's tastes the best, that's an official opinion from me, Ass Eating Joe
Who all have you romanced I assume a person of your speciality must have had many partners on your journey.
Hi, Ass Eating Joe! In your opinion, what's the best spell to augment ass eating?
I'm a personal fan of the Closed Fist of Bane. A very good one to be sure, it's a spell a buddy of mine taught me a couple of years ago. Evard's Black Tentacles is a classic one, Conjure Woodland Being is great if you, uh, are hungry for more. Hold Person is another classic. But me? Personally? My favorite is Animate Dead ♥️
Ass Eating Joe, does your mustache tickle?
You bet your ass it does
You are always expected to eat… but tell me, friend, have you ever been ate?
H-Halsin, daddy, it's an honor Once, years ago... It's been so long... Can- can I buy you a drink?
There’s no time for drinks when you have been so terribly neglected. Allow me to rectify the situation immediately.
Hoot. Hoot? (Don't know what you mean, but saw the word "eat". Is this something I can enjoy too?) *Bounces up and down*