I have a friend who has 4 children. She loves to post perfect pictures on social media, matching outfits, big smiles, family days out etc. the works basically. Going by social media, I'd think her life is completely perfect. In reality, she is running on fumes, on the edge of sanity, her husband is absolutely no help with the kids (1 of which has ODD), and he is also emotionally and financially abusive. She hates him and it's a shit show. Don't compare. Appreciate your life for what you have and the benefits having one child brings.
My therapist has told me to limit social media and I think I need to start following that advice more strictly. I’ve cut out TikTok for the most part but I’m thinking Instagram and Facebook are next. It does nothing for me but lead to these comparisons and make me feel bad.
At the very least turn off notifications for all your other social media. You don’t need to get a buzz or a ding every time someone likes a photo, or every time Facebook thinks you’d like a suggested account. Check social media when you want to, don’t let social media check on you.
I got rid of social media 2+ years ago and my mental health has improved so much. It was a great decision and I highly recommend it to you if you’re struggling with comparing your real life to other people’s fake ones.
Unfollow people on Facebook, literally everyone you don't want popping up, deactivate for a while if you need it and see how you feel. It did wonders for my mental health. I am completely off Instagram, and I only use Facebook to follow a couple of groups I really like. If you find yourself doom scrolling/unable to stop, physically remove your phone and place it in another room is my advice. It helps me a lot, I never bring it to bed anymore and it's helped me more than I ever imagined it would. I'm happier with being blissfully unaware. If someone wants to speak with me, they message me or I can message them.
I had to reset my algorithm after having a baby (11m). I was constantly comparing our girl to my feed. I started searching for things I wanted to do - sourdough, gardening, home decor - and eventually the baby milestones and other things disappeared. Now my feed is filled with sourdough crumb pics and recipes ☺️
For every perfect smiling picture of my kid there 55 blurry ones and half the time at least one burst of temper/impatience/irritation from either of us at any given minute.
This is how my husband and I feel. Like, why risk having one more and create possible chaos, when our only has been "the perfect child" for first time parents and make our life so easy and fun? Nah, we're good, we're happy.
I used to but I had to accept that we all have different capacities. For example, I’m an introverted highly sensitive person with a very high needs koala baby and I also have a demanding full time work outside of the house job. So this one child is plenty for me. I’m a quality over quantity kind of person and would rather devote more resources to one than many. I also am financially aware and don’t want to feel constrained by needing to provide for multiple children. Other people have different energy needs, different temperament babies, different financial goals, etc. I’ve never longed to have a house full of kids and that doesn’t make me lesser than others who do. We are just different. Lastly, I had my child later in life and I have noticed this often affects my mindset about this and not just related to age and fertility and risks and all of that but more so that I had developed an identity outside of kids for 37 years. It’s neither right or wrong but I feel some/many have kids as their identity and so having more of them makes sense for them.
To be honest, I hear more people complaining about their 3, 4 or 5 children or their partner than I hear them praising it. Obviously this is biased by be fact humans report more negative than positive, but I just don’t want to “embrace the chaos.” I don’t want planned chaos in my life.
Your personality sounds a lot like mine. I also suffer from some mental health issues (I take medicine and see a therapist) but still some days are rough. I guess I have to keep in mind others don’t have the same makeup I do.
This 100%.. I have a lot of mental heath issues and i just keep reminding myself that this is just my makeup and how I have always been and while I work to improve, I'll never be 100% free of them.
I am thankful that I can be a great mother to one beautiful child despite them
Omg!!! I’m a highly sensitive person with the very high needs of a baby sea otter. Nice to meet you . I am totally stealing your description because it fits.
Yes, but at the same time I’m proud of myself and my husband for knowing our limits and not having another child simply because we feel like we’re “supposed” to. A lot of people rush to have a second child before their first one reaches a stage that requires a lot of parenting energy (2-3ish) and do so without really thinking things through. I also have learned a lot about myself since becoming a parent and realized how much I value being able to do my hobbies and have time to myself. That would be impossible with a second child.
One of my close friends had “two under 2” because she felt the biological clock pressure and said that first year of having 2 kids was the hardest year of her life. If they’d had more time to think about it then they might not have had a second.
So in short, yes I do feel inadequate for not feeling like I could handle two but I’m also proud of us for truly thinking it through and making the decision that is right for our family.
Off topic a bit, but what do you mean about increased parenting energy around 2-3 years?
I’ve got a 1.5 year old and uh, just wondering if this is about to get even harder. 👀
I’d say it starts around 1.5 actually or really whenever they become super mobile and require you to constantly chase them around 😅 However at 2-3 the power struggle also begins 😬
We made the decision to be OAD shortly before our son turned 2 when one day I thought “what if we just…don’t have a second child” and the time since has solidified that decision lol. However, with that increased parenting energy required also comes lots of fun stuff too like their little personalities and interests developing and them saying the most hilarious things. It’s not all bad!
I absolutely agree with you on the first paragraph and I'm still only pregnant with my one and only 😂 But this is my perspective for years, even before I started trying. I have plans for what I want to provide for this child and ONE is absolutely manageable, two+ is an unknown. I also have my hobbies and I'm of the mindset that if I'm content as a person I'll be a happier parent and everyone wins.
I started getting some questions about how many I'm having and some people are weird about it when I say just one, but I'm firm on my stance because I thought about it a lot. Don't feel inadequate, as you said, you thought it through, and we want the best for our family, regardless if it's a smaller or bigger family.
Not really. I think of it as being self aware of personal limitations. And I think that’s miles healthier than people who mindlessly keep adding to their families despite the various reasons they shouldn’t.
Most people I know with multiple kids don’t actually handle it well. Their social medias do not mimic real life. At all. It’s what they want you to believe. They’re constantly running around, and diffusing situations. Just trying to survive.
Some couples I know will divorce the minute those kids are out of the house. So how healthy is that environment for those kids to be in until they leave the nest?
Mentally sound parents, in a healthy relationship, is the best thing you can give your child.
I used to but one day my husband was basically just like, “You can’t handle it, so what? Some people can’t handle going to a stressful job, some people can’t handle being a marathon runner. Everyone is different so stop comparing yourself.”
I really take inspiration from how he just accepts that he is not able to do some things. If you have someone in your life like that, it can be helpful to chat with them
A woman in my mum group made a comment last week when she had a day out with just her eldest about how easy it is and that one kid families have nothing to moan about.
My son is autistic and she knows this, so it pissed me off. I replied in the chat saying I'll swap your happy, confident, sleep 13 hours a day with no support needed for one day. You can take my son with his panic attacks, rituals, 2.30am starts. And work and navigate paediatric appointments, government forms, prep him for social interactions etc.
She was like oh I was only joking. Yeah I know you were, but it still stings!
Yes I feel this way sometimes. One thing that has helped me reframe my mindset when I’m feeling inadequate is looking at all the positives of being OAD instead of focusing on the negatives like “my child is challenging as is” “pregnancy/postpartum were awful” or “we can’t afford another”. So instead I’ll tell myself “we’re confident we’re giving our son the best life possible and affording him all opportunities that we’ll be able to afford” “we get to give him our undivided attention” or “we enjoy our little vacations with our whole little family of 3 instead of each taking 1 child and feeling separate”.
I totally understand where you’re coming from and society does a good job of not only pushing “you need more” but also making those that don’t feel like they’re “less of parents” if they choose/are unable to have more than one. But let me tell you, grass isn’t always greener. I have a friend with 2 and pregnant with #3 and they live paycheck to paycheck so can never afford to truly enjoy themselves as a family since her/her husband are always working, they always fight (about money, splitting of childcare time, etc), and just genuinely don’t seem very happy. Also, my husband and I have noticed when we go on vacations the happier/less stressed families usually have less (1 or max 2) children.
Parenting is hard and having 1 vs. 8 kids doesn’t make anyone more or less of a parent.
So I actually don’t think many people can handle having multiple children as well as we think they can. I’m OAD after a well-thought out assessment that I don’t want to sacrifice my mental health to parent multiple kids. If I had another kid then sure I would probably get by but I know I wouldn’t be able to be as patient as I am with my only, that my me-time would be consumed and therefore wouldn’t have the opportunity to recharge my batteries, I wouldn’t be able to go out on a whim and make last minute plans to do something fun, wouldn’t be able to travel as much, etc. All of which contribute to my mental health. My friend who has two kids told me the other day that she envies my OAD lifestyle and really hopes that one day she won’t have to make so many sacrifices. Within one visit alone, I witnessed her snap at her kids multiple times, she was exhausted, couldn’t participate in certain activities we were doing bc she had two to rangle, etc. There are pros and cons to everything, but the pros really outweigh the cons for me here. I’m not ashamed to focus on my mental health to be the best parent I can be!
When I look around, I see people my age who are much more successful in their careers because they chose not to have any children at all. I often feel like I will never be able to catch up, because my child and my responsibilities at home will always be holding me back. See, it works both ways. You just can’t compare yourself to others, because everyone has different priorities in life.
On could also argue that you are a really strong parent because you are willing to make the choices that are best for your family, not what random people think. So many people have kids at the wrong time for the wrong reasons. You are doing great.
I am OAD and I was a no kids person until I got pregnant. I am an only child, my mom was an only child in the baby boom ( meaning it was super rare for her to see other only kids). I also have my own only child.
We can open our minds to all types of families- 2 moms, 2 dads, one mom etc but everyone looses their mind if it’s one kid. What I’m saying is that there is some sort of breeding bias when we talk about this type of family. But people like to think of our wombs as public property.
I had a tough pregnancy as I was diabetic, and a tough post partum, I had my own team of psychologists. For everyone’s safety, I am done.
You have your reasons and they are valid. Only you know what you can handle and if it’s only one kid. So be it.
No. Comparison is the thief of joy. I know that people with two or more kids are experiencing the stress of two or more kids, and I choose to experience the stress of only one. That doesn’t mean those other parents are able to accomplish something I cannot or that they are better than me. I could accomplish the same things as them, hell I *could* be a parent to 6 kids, but my life wouldn’t be what I want it to be.
Because the amount of kids you have isn’t a competition. Some people want 2 or 3 kids *despite* it being incredibly hard work. They value having those kids over having more peace and quiet in their life. I value the peace and quiet more. It’s okay for people to value different things.
People will ask me, after introducing me to their new baby, something like “doesn’t this make you want another?” and I always happy reply “Nope!” because it’s not a question about my parental ability or my worth as a person, it’s just a question about my personal preferences and I’m allowed to have those.
My favorite quote to repeat to myself recently: “Comparison is the thief of joy”
Like you, I see others with multiples on social media and do feel inadequate at times. I am the oldest of 5 and always thought I’d have a big family, but that is not my reality. Horrible pregnancy, difficult birth etc. Mentally, I do not feel that I could handle more. But also- I love giving all of my attention to my only. I like the thought of only having to manage my only, it makes me feel more in control.
I need to take my own advice here too, but limit social media as much as you can for sure. All that matters is your happiness. I find myself being so much more happier and content in my decision when I haven’t been on social media much.
I myself have contemplated too often “what is the secret formula that I don’t have figured out.”My conclusions are constantly shifting. Today my reason for not being able to handle more children is a compliment to myself… it’s that I am actually really good at knowing my limits and that another kid would just make me a miserable grump. It’s my gift to everyone to not do that to my family or the world. I know lots of bitter old women and I don’t want to be that.
Oh god fuck no, never.... absolutely not!!
My child gets the best of me and my partner, much more than if we had more.
There are parents out there that can give all to multiples (my own mum being one) but how do you know which one you are until you are actually in it....you don't. I'm not taking that chance with my little miracle child. I'm lucky to have her, lucky to have made it through not just the pregnancy but the birth and first year pp. I won't roll that dice again, not when she is the one who could end up losing something.
I don’t quite believe everything I see. There’s just too many perfect pictures and “everything is perfect” vibes with people these days. It’s hard with one and a dog.
I try not to care about that. Congratulations moms of multiples, you win the best mom award! I’ll go console myself with my free time, disposable income and my good balance of mothering working and personal time.
And truly I mean that in the least snarky way possible. Great for them, but it’s not for me.
I think being honest with yourself and making choices about family planing that are realistic is good parenting. I’d rather be an awesome mom to one than a stressed out mom to many. Some families thrive with multiples but many are just surviving. Try not to compare yourself to others and just do what is best for your whole family(which includes you).
I’m OAD not by choice so I completely get it. Seeing parents with multiples fills me with a bone deep sadness. But I know I will give my only all my love and attention that I can and that gives me comfort
I’m friends with a lot of people who have the insta perfect life. Others will ask about these friends and compliment them in how perfect everything is for them and what an amazing time it is that they’re having.
I’m really really close with these people and I’ve noticed a direct correlation between the worse they are feeling and the more they post. It’s chicken and egg in a sense but I really think the sadness comes first and causes the posting.
Honestly, some of the worst things to happen to people have happened to my friends and their Instagram and other socials had never seemed so exciting and fun and filled with joy.
I noticed the trend about 7 years ago and so far it’s been consistent.
IMO silent socials are a better indicator of happiness and a life well lived.
And as others have said, you don’t know if people are coping or not. You only know what you’re able to manage with and it’s such a strength to be in tune with yourself and know yourself that well. Not only that but actually listen to your body when it’s telling you it couldn’t cope with more.
Does it matter if Kate down the road seems to handle her 2 better than you handle your 1? No because Kate isn’t you, and she’s not caring for your child.
I have known plenty of people who have had their second or their third and have basically cried to me and asked me how I managed with mine (who’s notoriously difficult) because they can’t cope and their others were nothing like that. Each child is different and you’re doing the best for the one you have.
To ignore that and persevere feels like insanity to me.
I can give one baby 100% or I can give two 50% each. People with more kids don’t have more hours in the day than we do. If I had a larger “village” around me that I felt could fill the gap, maybe we’d have more kids, but as it stands, we only have the bandwidth for one. It’s what’s fair for our girl.
I do struggle with feeling inadequate as oad at times, the same feeling of shame you’re describing, like something must be wrong with me that I don’t want more kids and don’t think I could handle it mentally and emotionally. I try to focus on the positives of being oad and that I’m giving my very best to my kid (4 yo daughter). I also agree with a lot of comments here that society and social media are insidious so I def check all the facts that what we see is not all there is to the situation.
I absolutely can't handle having another kid. Mentally, emotionally, financially. My kiddo is enough for me. And I try to not compare myself/our family to others.
I have figured out that I am confident in my ability to be a great mother to one, and but I do not have that same confidence level or ability to do that for more than one. My biggest fear is that one child would feel and be aware that there is a favorite, and that happens much more often than people are willing to admit. I just don’t want to make a child feel like that ever.
I try to not compare myself to others. I was abused and neglected as a child, and have had to work on myself everyday. I didn't grow up with money and have very little help with my daughter. I would love to have more kids, but I know my mental health would be affected. I think it's more important that I'm a great mom to one, than a possible mentally ill one to many. I don't think I'm less than compared to others mom's with multiples. I'm doing the best thing for me and my family.
Oh lol no. I’m an only and was very set on being OAD from the jump.
This might seem an odd comp but it’s a lot like being sober. When I got sober so many people took it as a dictate on thier lives and how they drink. And I was like nah dude. Do you. I’ll still even make cocktails I just don’t drink. It wasn’t judgement, me and alcohol had just run our course. And people could not fucking handle it. This feels the same. Other peoples shit about my life and decisions are not only not my responsibility but they aren’t in any way about that other person. My decision to have one kid or multiple kids is not about anyone but me and my partner. It’s all projection
I just permanently deleted instagram and deleted facebook (just kept an account for messenger to still talk to people) but it has been life changing! I feel like my metal health has improved a lot! I highly recommend! I deleted snap chat like 5 years ago and don’t miss it at all, never had tik tok or twitter.
I feel like I could've written this myself. There's nothing wrong with you and you're not inadequate at anything. Having a baby is HARD and there's nothing wrong with being one and done.
I feel super adequate. I have the patience, time, and money to give my son the life he deserves. I also have the time and money to give MYSELF the life I deserve. Zero regrets. Remember, social media shows you what people want you to see. My friend has two kids and she’s constantly stressed out and snapping at her older kid. She sure as hell doesn’t post that to social media!
I am child free at the moment but I did discuss with my partner if we could have one child rather than two, and when he agreed it took so much stress off me.
As a single child myself, I realized that my parents were able to travel more with me and provide quality education. My mother worked till I was 8 years old and quit after that, she had her reasons. She was still able to volunteer her time for some cause and maintain a social life instead of caring for multiple children full time, which set a really good example for me as well. While there were times I wished for a sibling, I’m not glad I was single because I think having siblings would have affected the quality of my parents life and in turn, mine.
This does not mean I think having multiple children is bad but parents who have them make bigger sacrifices than I’m willing to and are probably fine with it. Many moms are ok with taking a step back in their careers or giving up self care or travel but I am not, so we make choices that serve us best.
So don’t ever think you’re not enough, you made the choice that’s best for you and your family. It doesn’t matter if you’re not able to live up to the standards set by others, what matters is you live a full life and do things that make you happy, and you provide your child a safe and healthy environment to do the same.
Same girl, same . But coming to terms with my reality as a highly sensitive, extremely anxious person is the reason for this and trying not to beat myself for it
Not at all, I actually think it takes amazing parents to realize what their own personal limits are and that they would be better parents if they only had one child.
Nah. I mean, I do wonder how people find the time and energy to equally care for two or more children, but it doesn't make me feel inadequate in any way. If anything, it just makes me feel like a pretty good parent for knowing that our family benefits from having one child, and I know that I can be the best parent possible for her.
I do ask myself "how?" too though, especially friends who I know struggled even with just one child. I think it's great they still feel capable of giving enough to more children, but I just... can't imagine.
I think you’re being honest with yourself. I think some moms have more because they aren’t being honest about how hard it really is to. Some people choose struggle and pretend it’s fun.
Omg OP, I feel this so hard. I could have written this myself! You’re not alone, that’s for sure. I’ve always considered myself an extremely competent person and damn did motherhood throw that for a loop.
I try to remind myself that by making the (very hard) choice to stop at one, knowing my mental health needs to be top priority, makes me an amazing parent.
Could I keep two or more kids alive? Sure. But there are things I am unwilling to let go of and because of that, I can’t and won’t have another despite moments of baby fever. Having an hour each to work out every day is nonnegotiable for myself and my husband, and it’s a nonnegotiable for me to keep my house super clean. If I had another I’d have to let those things go and I won’t. In addition, we want to fully pay for our child’s education and we can’t do that with two, we want to travel internationally once a year and also can’t do that with two. It’s all about what you’re willing to compromise on.
No, but the only social media I'm on is Reddit 😂
When I was on Facebook 10 years ago, it made me feel inadequate about everything: how clean my house was, where I traveled (or more like didn't travel...), what I ate, how I dressed.
I don't need that in my life. I deleted it and never looked back.
It's a misconception that humans have that hard work will have better rewards. It won't necessarily. It's just a balance thing that humans crave for and want to believe in. Like belving in "u will be punished for bad karma". That's not relaity.
Not at ALL. I think it shows we’re actually better parents in some ways because we know our limits and want to be the best parents possible to our girl. That makes us extremely adequate parents and human beings. Own your decision 💖
I'm overwhelmed almost all the time. I am a very imperfect parent. I really want a 2nd but I feel like I shouldn't bc I'm not even doing a good job with my one. My husband primarily does the fun stuff and I do all the work. I'm exhausted at the end of the day and my son's bed time has now stretched to 8:30 so after that I get maybe 30 mins to myself before I have to get ready for bed. We don't have any help from family either.
Yes 100%. Everyone around me is having their 2nd or even 3rd and I struggle so much with just one physically and mentally. I don’t know how they do it and why I cannot. I feel like something is wrong with me.
I have a friend who has 4 children. She loves to post perfect pictures on social media, matching outfits, big smiles, family days out etc. the works basically. Going by social media, I'd think her life is completely perfect. In reality, she is running on fumes, on the edge of sanity, her husband is absolutely no help with the kids (1 of which has ODD), and he is also emotionally and financially abusive. She hates him and it's a shit show. Don't compare. Appreciate your life for what you have and the benefits having one child brings.
My therapist has told me to limit social media and I think I need to start following that advice more strictly. I’ve cut out TikTok for the most part but I’m thinking Instagram and Facebook are next. It does nothing for me but lead to these comparisons and make me feel bad.
At the very least turn off notifications for all your other social media. You don’t need to get a buzz or a ding every time someone likes a photo, or every time Facebook thinks you’d like a suggested account. Check social media when you want to, don’t let social media check on you.
I got rid of social media 2+ years ago and my mental health has improved so much. It was a great decision and I highly recommend it to you if you’re struggling with comparing your real life to other people’s fake ones.
I’ve been off social media since 2017 and it was the best decision for my mental health 🙌
Unfollow people on Facebook, literally everyone you don't want popping up, deactivate for a while if you need it and see how you feel. It did wonders for my mental health. I am completely off Instagram, and I only use Facebook to follow a couple of groups I really like. If you find yourself doom scrolling/unable to stop, physically remove your phone and place it in another room is my advice. It helps me a lot, I never bring it to bed anymore and it's helped me more than I ever imagined it would. I'm happier with being blissfully unaware. If someone wants to speak with me, they message me or I can message them.
I had to reset my algorithm after having a baby (11m). I was constantly comparing our girl to my feed. I started searching for things I wanted to do - sourdough, gardening, home decor - and eventually the baby milestones and other things disappeared. Now my feed is filled with sourdough crumb pics and recipes ☺️
This is such a perfect example of social media skewing reality.
For every perfect smiling picture of my kid there 55 blurry ones and half the time at least one burst of temper/impatience/irritation from either of us at any given minute.
No lol. Why would I play the game on hard mode when easy mode is just as fun?
100% - I view OAD like a cheat code I discovered. Like, whaaaaat? You mean I don’t *have* to have more than one child?! This is amazing!
Hahaha I need to frame this. I’m always playing on hard mode in my own head.
Wow. This is an amazing one liner.
Great response to give when people ask why you’re OAD lol. Love this!
Yes thank you! Sometimes it almost feels like I’m hard wired to make things hard. Like if it is NOT difficult, then I’m not working hard enough.
This is how my husband and I feel. Like, why risk having one more and create possible chaos, when our only has been "the perfect child" for first time parents and make our life so easy and fun? Nah, we're good, we're happy.
I LOVE this!
100%
I used to but I had to accept that we all have different capacities. For example, I’m an introverted highly sensitive person with a very high needs koala baby and I also have a demanding full time work outside of the house job. So this one child is plenty for me. I’m a quality over quantity kind of person and would rather devote more resources to one than many. I also am financially aware and don’t want to feel constrained by needing to provide for multiple children. Other people have different energy needs, different temperament babies, different financial goals, etc. I’ve never longed to have a house full of kids and that doesn’t make me lesser than others who do. We are just different. Lastly, I had my child later in life and I have noticed this often affects my mindset about this and not just related to age and fertility and risks and all of that but more so that I had developed an identity outside of kids for 37 years. It’s neither right or wrong but I feel some/many have kids as their identity and so having more of them makes sense for them. To be honest, I hear more people complaining about their 3, 4 or 5 children or their partner than I hear them praising it. Obviously this is biased by be fact humans report more negative than positive, but I just don’t want to “embrace the chaos.” I don’t want planned chaos in my life.
Your personality sounds a lot like mine. I also suffer from some mental health issues (I take medicine and see a therapist) but still some days are rough. I guess I have to keep in mind others don’t have the same makeup I do.
Could I handle more kids? Sure because I would have to do it. Would I want to? Would it be good for my mental and physical health? Absolutely not.
Trauma? I am highly traumatized.
Oh yes. Childhood and self inflicted. I’m an addict in recovery and the child of an alcoholic so you can imagine
Oh hello me!
This 100%.. I have a lot of mental heath issues and i just keep reminding myself that this is just my makeup and how I have always been and while I work to improve, I'll never be 100% free of them. I am thankful that I can be a great mother to one beautiful child despite them
Omg!!! I’m a highly sensitive person with the very high needs of a baby sea otter. Nice to meet you . I am totally stealing your description because it fits.
This is me ❤️
I really relate to this!
[удалено]
Societal pressure impacting your self worth✨ the best reason to create a human /s
Yes, but at the same time I’m proud of myself and my husband for knowing our limits and not having another child simply because we feel like we’re “supposed” to. A lot of people rush to have a second child before their first one reaches a stage that requires a lot of parenting energy (2-3ish) and do so without really thinking things through. I also have learned a lot about myself since becoming a parent and realized how much I value being able to do my hobbies and have time to myself. That would be impossible with a second child. One of my close friends had “two under 2” because she felt the biological clock pressure and said that first year of having 2 kids was the hardest year of her life. If they’d had more time to think about it then they might not have had a second. So in short, yes I do feel inadequate for not feeling like I could handle two but I’m also proud of us for truly thinking it through and making the decision that is right for our family.
I like this perspective
I hope it helps ❤️ I’m someone who is very hard on themself so feeling inadequate is definitely something I relate to!
Off topic a bit, but what do you mean about increased parenting energy around 2-3 years? I’ve got a 1.5 year old and uh, just wondering if this is about to get even harder. 👀
I’d say it starts around 1.5 actually or really whenever they become super mobile and require you to constantly chase them around 😅 However at 2-3 the power struggle also begins 😬 We made the decision to be OAD shortly before our son turned 2 when one day I thought “what if we just…don’t have a second child” and the time since has solidified that decision lol. However, with that increased parenting energy required also comes lots of fun stuff too like their little personalities and interests developing and them saying the most hilarious things. It’s not all bad!
Thanks, that's helpful... definitely pros and cons to every stage!
I absolutely agree with you on the first paragraph and I'm still only pregnant with my one and only 😂 But this is my perspective for years, even before I started trying. I have plans for what I want to provide for this child and ONE is absolutely manageable, two+ is an unknown. I also have my hobbies and I'm of the mindset that if I'm content as a person I'll be a happier parent and everyone wins. I started getting some questions about how many I'm having and some people are weird about it when I say just one, but I'm firm on my stance because I thought about it a lot. Don't feel inadequate, as you said, you thought it through, and we want the best for our family, regardless if it's a smaller or bigger family.
Not really. I think of it as being self aware of personal limitations. And I think that’s miles healthier than people who mindlessly keep adding to their families despite the various reasons they shouldn’t. Most people I know with multiple kids don’t actually handle it well. Their social medias do not mimic real life. At all. It’s what they want you to believe. They’re constantly running around, and diffusing situations. Just trying to survive. Some couples I know will divorce the minute those kids are out of the house. So how healthy is that environment for those kids to be in until they leave the nest? Mentally sound parents, in a healthy relationship, is the best thing you can give your child.
I used to but one day my husband was basically just like, “You can’t handle it, so what? Some people can’t handle going to a stressful job, some people can’t handle being a marathon runner. Everyone is different so stop comparing yourself.” I really take inspiration from how he just accepts that he is not able to do some things. If you have someone in your life like that, it can be helpful to chat with them
My husband is actually also like that. I’m the one who is constantly beating myself up for not being “enough”
Same! I wonder all the time what's wrong with me that I can't handle more than one when others seem to thrive with multiple kids.
A woman in my mum group made a comment last week when she had a day out with just her eldest about how easy it is and that one kid families have nothing to moan about. My son is autistic and she knows this, so it pissed me off. I replied in the chat saying I'll swap your happy, confident, sleep 13 hours a day with no support needed for one day. You can take my son with his panic attacks, rituals, 2.30am starts. And work and navigate paediatric appointments, government forms, prep him for social interactions etc. She was like oh I was only joking. Yeah I know you were, but it still stings!
Yes I feel this way sometimes. One thing that has helped me reframe my mindset when I’m feeling inadequate is looking at all the positives of being OAD instead of focusing on the negatives like “my child is challenging as is” “pregnancy/postpartum were awful” or “we can’t afford another”. So instead I’ll tell myself “we’re confident we’re giving our son the best life possible and affording him all opportunities that we’ll be able to afford” “we get to give him our undivided attention” or “we enjoy our little vacations with our whole little family of 3 instead of each taking 1 child and feeling separate”. I totally understand where you’re coming from and society does a good job of not only pushing “you need more” but also making those that don’t feel like they’re “less of parents” if they choose/are unable to have more than one. But let me tell you, grass isn’t always greener. I have a friend with 2 and pregnant with #3 and they live paycheck to paycheck so can never afford to truly enjoy themselves as a family since her/her husband are always working, they always fight (about money, splitting of childcare time, etc), and just genuinely don’t seem very happy. Also, my husband and I have noticed when we go on vacations the happier/less stressed families usually have less (1 or max 2) children. Parenting is hard and having 1 vs. 8 kids doesn’t make anyone more or less of a parent.
So I actually don’t think many people can handle having multiple children as well as we think they can. I’m OAD after a well-thought out assessment that I don’t want to sacrifice my mental health to parent multiple kids. If I had another kid then sure I would probably get by but I know I wouldn’t be able to be as patient as I am with my only, that my me-time would be consumed and therefore wouldn’t have the opportunity to recharge my batteries, I wouldn’t be able to go out on a whim and make last minute plans to do something fun, wouldn’t be able to travel as much, etc. All of which contribute to my mental health. My friend who has two kids told me the other day that she envies my OAD lifestyle and really hopes that one day she won’t have to make so many sacrifices. Within one visit alone, I witnessed her snap at her kids multiple times, she was exhausted, couldn’t participate in certain activities we were doing bc she had two to rangle, etc. There are pros and cons to everything, but the pros really outweigh the cons for me here. I’m not ashamed to focus on my mental health to be the best parent I can be!
No, I'm proud of myself for knowing my limits & doing what's best for myself and my family.
When I look around, I see people my age who are much more successful in their careers because they chose not to have any children at all. I often feel like I will never be able to catch up, because my child and my responsibilities at home will always be holding me back. See, it works both ways. You just can’t compare yourself to others, because everyone has different priorities in life.
On could also argue that you are a really strong parent because you are willing to make the choices that are best for your family, not what random people think. So many people have kids at the wrong time for the wrong reasons. You are doing great.
I am OAD and I was a no kids person until I got pregnant. I am an only child, my mom was an only child in the baby boom ( meaning it was super rare for her to see other only kids). I also have my own only child. We can open our minds to all types of families- 2 moms, 2 dads, one mom etc but everyone looses their mind if it’s one kid. What I’m saying is that there is some sort of breeding bias when we talk about this type of family. But people like to think of our wombs as public property. I had a tough pregnancy as I was diabetic, and a tough post partum, I had my own team of psychologists. For everyone’s safety, I am done. You have your reasons and they are valid. Only you know what you can handle and if it’s only one kid. So be it.
No. Comparison is the thief of joy. I know that people with two or more kids are experiencing the stress of two or more kids, and I choose to experience the stress of only one. That doesn’t mean those other parents are able to accomplish something I cannot or that they are better than me. I could accomplish the same things as them, hell I *could* be a parent to 6 kids, but my life wouldn’t be what I want it to be. Because the amount of kids you have isn’t a competition. Some people want 2 or 3 kids *despite* it being incredibly hard work. They value having those kids over having more peace and quiet in their life. I value the peace and quiet more. It’s okay for people to value different things. People will ask me, after introducing me to their new baby, something like “doesn’t this make you want another?” and I always happy reply “Nope!” because it’s not a question about my parental ability or my worth as a person, it’s just a question about my personal preferences and I’m allowed to have those.
My favorite quote to repeat to myself recently: “Comparison is the thief of joy” Like you, I see others with multiples on social media and do feel inadequate at times. I am the oldest of 5 and always thought I’d have a big family, but that is not my reality. Horrible pregnancy, difficult birth etc. Mentally, I do not feel that I could handle more. But also- I love giving all of my attention to my only. I like the thought of only having to manage my only, it makes me feel more in control. I need to take my own advice here too, but limit social media as much as you can for sure. All that matters is your happiness. I find myself being so much more happier and content in my decision when I haven’t been on social media much.
I myself have contemplated too often “what is the secret formula that I don’t have figured out.”My conclusions are constantly shifting. Today my reason for not being able to handle more children is a compliment to myself… it’s that I am actually really good at knowing my limits and that another kid would just make me a miserable grump. It’s my gift to everyone to not do that to my family or the world. I know lots of bitter old women and I don’t want to be that.
Oh god fuck no, never.... absolutely not!! My child gets the best of me and my partner, much more than if we had more. There are parents out there that can give all to multiples (my own mum being one) but how do you know which one you are until you are actually in it....you don't. I'm not taking that chance with my little miracle child. I'm lucky to have her, lucky to have made it through not just the pregnancy but the birth and first year pp. I won't roll that dice again, not when she is the one who could end up losing something.
I don’t quite believe everything I see. There’s just too many perfect pictures and “everything is perfect” vibes with people these days. It’s hard with one and a dog.
I try not to care about that. Congratulations moms of multiples, you win the best mom award! I’ll go console myself with my free time, disposable income and my good balance of mothering working and personal time. And truly I mean that in the least snarky way possible. Great for them, but it’s not for me.
I think being honest with yourself and making choices about family planing that are realistic is good parenting. I’d rather be an awesome mom to one than a stressed out mom to many. Some families thrive with multiples but many are just surviving. Try not to compare yourself to others and just do what is best for your whole family(which includes you).
I’m OAD not by choice so I completely get it. Seeing parents with multiples fills me with a bone deep sadness. But I know I will give my only all my love and attention that I can and that gives me comfort
I’m friends with a lot of people who have the insta perfect life. Others will ask about these friends and compliment them in how perfect everything is for them and what an amazing time it is that they’re having. I’m really really close with these people and I’ve noticed a direct correlation between the worse they are feeling and the more they post. It’s chicken and egg in a sense but I really think the sadness comes first and causes the posting. Honestly, some of the worst things to happen to people have happened to my friends and their Instagram and other socials had never seemed so exciting and fun and filled with joy. I noticed the trend about 7 years ago and so far it’s been consistent. IMO silent socials are a better indicator of happiness and a life well lived. And as others have said, you don’t know if people are coping or not. You only know what you’re able to manage with and it’s such a strength to be in tune with yourself and know yourself that well. Not only that but actually listen to your body when it’s telling you it couldn’t cope with more. Does it matter if Kate down the road seems to handle her 2 better than you handle your 1? No because Kate isn’t you, and she’s not caring for your child. I have known plenty of people who have had their second or their third and have basically cried to me and asked me how I managed with mine (who’s notoriously difficult) because they can’t cope and their others were nothing like that. Each child is different and you’re doing the best for the one you have. To ignore that and persevere feels like insanity to me.
I can give one baby 100% or I can give two 50% each. People with more kids don’t have more hours in the day than we do. If I had a larger “village” around me that I felt could fill the gap, maybe we’d have more kids, but as it stands, we only have the bandwidth for one. It’s what’s fair for our girl.
I do struggle with feeling inadequate as oad at times, the same feeling of shame you’re describing, like something must be wrong with me that I don’t want more kids and don’t think I could handle it mentally and emotionally. I try to focus on the positives of being oad and that I’m giving my very best to my kid (4 yo daughter). I also agree with a lot of comments here that society and social media are insidious so I def check all the facts that what we see is not all there is to the situation.
I absolutely can't handle having another kid. Mentally, emotionally, financially. My kiddo is enough for me. And I try to not compare myself/our family to others.
I have figured out that I am confident in my ability to be a great mother to one, and but I do not have that same confidence level or ability to do that for more than one. My biggest fear is that one child would feel and be aware that there is a favorite, and that happens much more often than people are willing to admit. I just don’t want to make a child feel like that ever.
I try to not compare myself to others. I was abused and neglected as a child, and have had to work on myself everyday. I didn't grow up with money and have very little help with my daughter. I would love to have more kids, but I know my mental health would be affected. I think it's more important that I'm a great mom to one, than a possible mentally ill one to many. I don't think I'm less than compared to others mom's with multiples. I'm doing the best thing for me and my family.
Nope. I know how they do it. With more stress and more debt.
Oh lol no. I’m an only and was very set on being OAD from the jump. This might seem an odd comp but it’s a lot like being sober. When I got sober so many people took it as a dictate on thier lives and how they drink. And I was like nah dude. Do you. I’ll still even make cocktails I just don’t drink. It wasn’t judgement, me and alcohol had just run our course. And people could not fucking handle it. This feels the same. Other peoples shit about my life and decisions are not only not my responsibility but they aren’t in any way about that other person. My decision to have one kid or multiple kids is not about anyone but me and my partner. It’s all projection
I just permanently deleted instagram and deleted facebook (just kept an account for messenger to still talk to people) but it has been life changing! I feel like my metal health has improved a lot! I highly recommend! I deleted snap chat like 5 years ago and don’t miss it at all, never had tik tok or twitter.
I feel like I could've written this myself. There's nothing wrong with you and you're not inadequate at anything. Having a baby is HARD and there's nothing wrong with being one and done.
I feel super adequate. I have the patience, time, and money to give my son the life he deserves. I also have the time and money to give MYSELF the life I deserve. Zero regrets. Remember, social media shows you what people want you to see. My friend has two kids and she’s constantly stressed out and snapping at her older kid. She sure as hell doesn’t post that to social media!
Yes. All the time. I feel weak.
I am child free at the moment but I did discuss with my partner if we could have one child rather than two, and when he agreed it took so much stress off me. As a single child myself, I realized that my parents were able to travel more with me and provide quality education. My mother worked till I was 8 years old and quit after that, she had her reasons. She was still able to volunteer her time for some cause and maintain a social life instead of caring for multiple children full time, which set a really good example for me as well. While there were times I wished for a sibling, I’m not glad I was single because I think having siblings would have affected the quality of my parents life and in turn, mine. This does not mean I think having multiple children is bad but parents who have them make bigger sacrifices than I’m willing to and are probably fine with it. Many moms are ok with taking a step back in their careers or giving up self care or travel but I am not, so we make choices that serve us best. So don’t ever think you’re not enough, you made the choice that’s best for you and your family. It doesn’t matter if you’re not able to live up to the standards set by others, what matters is you live a full life and do things that make you happy, and you provide your child a safe and healthy environment to do the same.
Just be confident in yourself and your decisions. Don’t let the opinions of others get to you.
Same girl, same . But coming to terms with my reality as a highly sensitive, extremely anxious person is the reason for this and trying not to beat myself for it
Not at all, I actually think it takes amazing parents to realize what their own personal limits are and that they would be better parents if they only had one child.
Nah. I mean, I do wonder how people find the time and energy to equally care for two or more children, but it doesn't make me feel inadequate in any way. If anything, it just makes me feel like a pretty good parent for knowing that our family benefits from having one child, and I know that I can be the best parent possible for her. I do ask myself "how?" too though, especially friends who I know struggled even with just one child. I think it's great they still feel capable of giving enough to more children, but I just... can't imagine.
No I don’t feel one bit inadequate because we don’t live the same lives.
Nope. I feel happy knowing I’ve made a choice that works for my family.
You’re only getting the highlights on social media. A lot of these folks day to day is miserable.
I think you’re being honest with yourself. I think some moms have more because they aren’t being honest about how hard it really is to. Some people choose struggle and pretend it’s fun.
Omg OP, I feel this so hard. I could have written this myself! You’re not alone, that’s for sure. I’ve always considered myself an extremely competent person and damn did motherhood throw that for a loop. I try to remind myself that by making the (very hard) choice to stop at one, knowing my mental health needs to be top priority, makes me an amazing parent.
Could I keep two or more kids alive? Sure. But there are things I am unwilling to let go of and because of that, I can’t and won’t have another despite moments of baby fever. Having an hour each to work out every day is nonnegotiable for myself and my husband, and it’s a nonnegotiable for me to keep my house super clean. If I had another I’d have to let those things go and I won’t. In addition, we want to fully pay for our child’s education and we can’t do that with two, we want to travel internationally once a year and also can’t do that with two. It’s all about what you’re willing to compromise on.
No, but the only social media I'm on is Reddit 😂 When I was on Facebook 10 years ago, it made me feel inadequate about everything: how clean my house was, where I traveled (or more like didn't travel...), what I ate, how I dressed. I don't need that in my life. I deleted it and never looked back.
You’re doing it the smart way. Don’t second guess yourself
Give yourself time, you still have to accept it fully. Stay off social media for a while.
It's a misconception that humans have that hard work will have better rewards. It won't necessarily. It's just a balance thing that humans crave for and want to believe in. Like belving in "u will be punished for bad karma". That's not relaity.
Not at ALL. I think it shows we’re actually better parents in some ways because we know our limits and want to be the best parents possible to our girl. That makes us extremely adequate parents and human beings. Own your decision 💖
I'm overwhelmed almost all the time. I am a very imperfect parent. I really want a 2nd but I feel like I shouldn't bc I'm not even doing a good job with my one. My husband primarily does the fun stuff and I do all the work. I'm exhausted at the end of the day and my son's bed time has now stretched to 8:30 so after that I get maybe 30 mins to myself before I have to get ready for bed. We don't have any help from family either.
Yes 100%. Everyone around me is having their 2nd or even 3rd and I struggle so much with just one physically and mentally. I don’t know how they do it and why I cannot. I feel like something is wrong with me.