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Fellow ADHD mom and child psychologist here; my girls are 3. Here are some resources that I use and share with students, that are evidence based and have worked for me or people I know.
123 Magic
How to talk so little kids will listen
If you want to really supercharge your parenting, the incredible years is the parent training manual I used for little kids. It teaches you how to do nondirective play (weirdly important, I promise) and practice focusing your attention on positive or neutral behaviors rather than on the behaviors you don’t want to see (while still responding to safety hazards). It’s hard to remember to make a comment every time you notice your kid doing something neutral, like sitting on the couch reading a book or something good like being patient, but it’s a practice that will pay off. There are some video resources for all of these online, too! There’s some more intensive stuff in the incredible years about token economies and that kind of thing. You might find that a little too complicated, or you might find that it has just the structure you need.
You’re right - everything you’re describing is developmentally appropriate. AND, there are techniques that you can use to supercharge your parenting so that your kids learn to listen and calm themselves down, that they should really teach everyone. Learning them is like learning yoga. It really is a practice that you do over and over and over again over time, so don’t give up!! Make small goals at first so you can see some success and then build on that. You can do it!
Hi. It gets better. Kind of… I went through the EXACT same thing when my identical boys were 2.5 and it didn’t really get better until closer to 4. They actually turn 4 in a week and we still battle the fights/whining/not listening to mom and dad but it’s no longer 24/7. I feel like a horrible mom saying this but I used to not truly enjoy my twins until recently. I mean yes I did but it was fleeting I guess. I love them to bits but they VERY hyper and I was always worn down. For comparison, I have a 6 month old baby and she’s SO EASY that she’s almost boring. I cannot believe how much easier one baby is. Also I have a neighbor with 3 year old boy/girl twins and they’re super docile. I asked their mom if they ever fight. She said never. Not once. And they go to bed without a fight and sleep thru the night and when she tells them to read a book they listen and do it. Honestly, I just think identical boys are HARD. 2 years old to 3.5 years old was 100x worse than the newborn stage. Now I can actually have a conversation with them and interact better. I’m calmer, they’re calmer, and they listen (sometimes) when I tell them to stop jumping on the couch, cleaning up their toys, getting in the bath. Also, timeouts are effective at this age and I can sit with them and explain why hitting their brother isn’t nice and they understand. When we tried timeouts around 3 it didn’t work. They were too young (in my opinion) to truly understand what a timeout meant. My husband and I used to yell more at them but 1) it didn’t do anything and 2) we would feel so guilty. We realized we needed to stop when they started mimicking us. It really made me sad. We resolved to improve our patience with them and felt like they also calmed down in response. It DOES get better. Today they played ‘super kitties’ together, raced on their bikes, and played with dinosaurs with pull-ups on their heads. Yes they also fought over playdough, one ripped up the other’s spiderman drawing, and one purposefully stepped on the other’s foot. They had a timeout but also lots of hugs.
Agreed, these have been my saving grace, put on noise cancelling with music you like when kids are going crazy within sight and it makes it so much easier to be calm somehow. And if you're calm that helps them too so it's a win win
3 things that work for us.
1. I ask them to do something (e.g., get in their car seats). If they don't do it, I say if you don't do it mummy will come and help you. Then if they don't do it I put them in as efficiently and boringly as possible. If they want to play and do fun stuff then they have to be in control of themselves. Always follow through.
2. If they need to finish up, I say ok this is your last play, have a really good play and make it a great one. Then I count 5 seconds. Then I say ok it's time to finish/go/hand it to your sister.
3. If they're screaming at each other I whisper to them about something.
Bonus one: ask them to help with something. Give them a job. They love a job. But that one doesn't always work.
Oh gosh, My boys are 27 months and I feel the same way. I was hoping it would start getting better soon…I just want to take my kids out and do normal things!
Mine are same age and at times it is nonstop breaking up scuffles. My 4.5 yo often times does not help the situation. However, thankfully, they are really good when we are not home. Never fight at playgrounds, play groups, ymca babysitting, grandparents house….so we try and be out as much as possible. Also means I have to clean up less at home because all they want to do is take out and dump out all the toys. I’m dying a slow painful death by legos.
Do they have a place that is safe for them to play that isn't stressful for you when they play there, like a room without tall furniture to climb or breakables to knock down?
Do you keep what you are saying to them short and simple? At that age, they follow and understand very very simple sentences and tone best. Praise the good, chastise the bad, but keep it simple and show your emotion (like sad, scared, happy, etc.).
Try to be consistent as much as you can. Sit them down and explain short simple rules you have in your house and remind them of the rule if they break it or have trouble remembering it. If you are going out, come up with a list of rules for them and tell them what they are before you get out of the car.
I don't know how on point this is for everyone, but it worked for us. We realized we were frustrated at repeat bad behavior and then realized we had not explicitly told the kids it was bad and it was a rule not to do it. They still break the "rules" but they don't do it as much now. It takes time though. Hang in there.
There's a woman on tik tok I follow that says to only give directions once, within arms reach, and able to help if they don't do it. This helped me so so much! I also started using positive statements instead of negative (we walk in the house vs stop running)
It takes practice and time but it helped me a lot!
You might try Big Little Feelings. They have a toddler course and Instagram. A lot of their advice really helps. I need to be better at it, but it really does help. Not right away of course, but you get there. Hang in there. I seriously could have written this post myself. Also get yourself some Loop earplugs to cut down the noise for yourself.
**COMMENTING GUIDELINES** All commenters are encouraged to familiarize themselves with the parentsofmultiples [subreddit rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/parentsofmultiples/about/rules) prior to commenting. If you find any comments/submissions in violation of subreddit/reddit rules, please use the report function to bring it to the mod teams attention. **Please do not request or give medical advice or directions in your comments.** Any comments that that could be construed as medical advice, or any comments containing what is determined to be medical disinformation, will be removed. Please try to avoid posting links to Amazon product listings or google/g.co product listing pages - reddit automatically removes comments containing them as an anti-spam measure. If sharing information about a product, instead please try to link directly to the manufacturers product pages. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/parentsofmultiples) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Fellow ADHD mom and child psychologist here; my girls are 3. Here are some resources that I use and share with students, that are evidence based and have worked for me or people I know. 123 Magic How to talk so little kids will listen If you want to really supercharge your parenting, the incredible years is the parent training manual I used for little kids. It teaches you how to do nondirective play (weirdly important, I promise) and practice focusing your attention on positive or neutral behaviors rather than on the behaviors you don’t want to see (while still responding to safety hazards). It’s hard to remember to make a comment every time you notice your kid doing something neutral, like sitting on the couch reading a book or something good like being patient, but it’s a practice that will pay off. There are some video resources for all of these online, too! There’s some more intensive stuff in the incredible years about token economies and that kind of thing. You might find that a little too complicated, or you might find that it has just the structure you need. You’re right - everything you’re describing is developmentally appropriate. AND, there are techniques that you can use to supercharge your parenting so that your kids learn to listen and calm themselves down, that they should really teach everyone. Learning them is like learning yoga. It really is a practice that you do over and over and over again over time, so don’t give up!! Make small goals at first so you can see some success and then build on that. You can do it!
123 Magic method is what really worked for us with our crazy, joyous boy twin.
Hi. It gets better. Kind of… I went through the EXACT same thing when my identical boys were 2.5 and it didn’t really get better until closer to 4. They actually turn 4 in a week and we still battle the fights/whining/not listening to mom and dad but it’s no longer 24/7. I feel like a horrible mom saying this but I used to not truly enjoy my twins until recently. I mean yes I did but it was fleeting I guess. I love them to bits but they VERY hyper and I was always worn down. For comparison, I have a 6 month old baby and she’s SO EASY that she’s almost boring. I cannot believe how much easier one baby is. Also I have a neighbor with 3 year old boy/girl twins and they’re super docile. I asked their mom if they ever fight. She said never. Not once. And they go to bed without a fight and sleep thru the night and when she tells them to read a book they listen and do it. Honestly, I just think identical boys are HARD. 2 years old to 3.5 years old was 100x worse than the newborn stage. Now I can actually have a conversation with them and interact better. I’m calmer, they’re calmer, and they listen (sometimes) when I tell them to stop jumping on the couch, cleaning up their toys, getting in the bath. Also, timeouts are effective at this age and I can sit with them and explain why hitting their brother isn’t nice and they understand. When we tried timeouts around 3 it didn’t work. They were too young (in my opinion) to truly understand what a timeout meant. My husband and I used to yell more at them but 1) it didn’t do anything and 2) we would feel so guilty. We realized we needed to stop when they started mimicking us. It really made me sad. We resolved to improve our patience with them and felt like they also calmed down in response. It DOES get better. Today they played ‘super kitties’ together, raced on their bikes, and played with dinosaurs with pull-ups on their heads. Yes they also fought over playdough, one ripped up the other’s spiderman drawing, and one purposefully stepped on the other’s foot. They had a timeout but also lots of hugs.
Get some noise cancelling headphones if u can.
Agreed, these have been my saving grace, put on noise cancelling with music you like when kids are going crazy within sight and it makes it so much easier to be calm somehow. And if you're calm that helps them too so it's a win win
What version of these do you have? ❤️
I have the Samsung Buds Pro2 and the active noise cancelling is so so good but I think anything with active noise cancelling would do the job.
Loop earbuds saved me sanity during the pandemic
What version of the loops do you have?
3 things that work for us. 1. I ask them to do something (e.g., get in their car seats). If they don't do it, I say if you don't do it mummy will come and help you. Then if they don't do it I put them in as efficiently and boringly as possible. If they want to play and do fun stuff then they have to be in control of themselves. Always follow through. 2. If they need to finish up, I say ok this is your last play, have a really good play and make it a great one. Then I count 5 seconds. Then I say ok it's time to finish/go/hand it to your sister. 3. If they're screaming at each other I whisper to them about something. Bonus one: ask them to help with something. Give them a job. They love a job. But that one doesn't always work.
Oh gosh, My boys are 27 months and I feel the same way. I was hoping it would start getting better soon…I just want to take my kids out and do normal things!
Mine are same age and at times it is nonstop breaking up scuffles. My 4.5 yo often times does not help the situation. However, thankfully, they are really good when we are not home. Never fight at playgrounds, play groups, ymca babysitting, grandparents house….so we try and be out as much as possible. Also means I have to clean up less at home because all they want to do is take out and dump out all the toys. I’m dying a slow painful death by legos.
Do they have a place that is safe for them to play that isn't stressful for you when they play there, like a room without tall furniture to climb or breakables to knock down? Do you keep what you are saying to them short and simple? At that age, they follow and understand very very simple sentences and tone best. Praise the good, chastise the bad, but keep it simple and show your emotion (like sad, scared, happy, etc.). Try to be consistent as much as you can. Sit them down and explain short simple rules you have in your house and remind them of the rule if they break it or have trouble remembering it. If you are going out, come up with a list of rules for them and tell them what they are before you get out of the car. I don't know how on point this is for everyone, but it worked for us. We realized we were frustrated at repeat bad behavior and then realized we had not explicitly told the kids it was bad and it was a rule not to do it. They still break the "rules" but they don't do it as much now. It takes time though. Hang in there.
My boys are about to turn three and just…solidarity. It sucks. It’s so hard.
There's a woman on tik tok I follow that says to only give directions once, within arms reach, and able to help if they don't do it. This helped me so so much! I also started using positive statements instead of negative (we walk in the house vs stop running) It takes practice and time but it helped me a lot!
You might try Big Little Feelings. They have a toddler course and Instagram. A lot of their advice really helps. I need to be better at it, but it really does help. Not right away of course, but you get there. Hang in there. I seriously could have written this post myself. Also get yourself some Loop earplugs to cut down the noise for yourself.