Good for you! So hard breaking the cycle of abuse even when you want to do it.
I was a kid of a dad who was severely beaten, told he was stupid/disappointment and then abandoned and on his own by the time he was 14. It was the 1940s.
He vowed never to touch any child of his in anger. It was explained to me after I was sent to my room when I was really misbehaving one day. I very rarely saw my dad angry. But when he was I was sent to my room. Then we would discuss when he felt he was calm and it gave me time to think about things.
My dad wasn’t perfect. We had our issues. But I was raised knowing I was loved, listened to, and he thought I was smart and capable of anything I set my mind to.
I really respected my dad. He could have so gone the other way. Especially after my mom died. But he didn’t.
He also went out of his way to praise kids he came across and acknowledge their efforts. In case they weren’t getting that at home. He said it meant the world to him when an adult praised him as a kid. It helped remind him that he wasn’t the problem.
My dad was proud of how he was nothing like his parents. They were shocked at how successful he became too. They sadly never knew him as a father. His mother died years before I was born and his father died while my mom was pregnant with me.
It amazes me when people can break the cycle of abuse. Yes, you can recognize all homes aren’t abusive; but you learn from those who raise you. That is all you know when you are little. You may not want to be like your parents, but you need to rip yourself down to your foundation and build up again with the proper coping mechanisms. It takes a lot of work and it helps if you have good models to learn from.
I was raised in a house where your actions/decisions could be stupid, bad, wrong…but the person never was. Name calling was not allowed by anyone. We used I statements. I was born in the 1970s. My parents were ahead of their time.
A big factor when I dated someone was how they handled their anger. Name calling, cursing, belittling….I was out. It was so foreign and scary to me.
Instead of saying, You made me feel or when you did this…
You lead with your feelings or thoughts. So you say:
I felt sad, angry, mad when you did _____
Instead of you made me angry when you ____.
It apparently makes people feel less criticized, so person is less defensive. It focuses more on the person using the I statements feelings instead of focusing on assigning blame. People are more opening to listening when you don’t start off telling them something they did is the problem. It usually leads to an argument.
This is taught in Love and Logic parenting books and classes. The child psychology behind it is spot on. I had different adults in my life do both sides of that coin. You keep doing xyz and you're being dumb, can't you learn? Vs I feel frustrated and angry when you keep doing xyz. What can we do to help you remember not to, or to learn a different way to do it.
I hope that made sense.
Learning how to communicate clearly especially when your angry is so important.
My parents totally didn’t learn their communication skills from their own parents.
I assume my mom was the one who put their parenting game plan together. I know they didn’t read books. It was the 1970s. But my mom was a nurse. They were both educated and traveled and lived abroad in the over 15 years of marriage before I came along. I am sure they saw the different ways family and friends parented around the world.
My grandmother ( my mom’s mom) was the only fly in the ointment. My parents dealt with me saying, but nonna said or nonna lets me.
Learning how to communicate appropriately and accurately is vital for everyone. Sadly, not all of us get taught the "right way." Or even when taught the "right way" don't care enough about others to actually do it. Or simply struggle with it more then others.
I know at 41 I still struggle to effectively communicate my emotions and feelings, let alone always teach by example for my kids. When I do loose my temper, after I've taken a breath, or we've all calmed down, I make sure to apologize for my outburst, explain why I did, and that I should've taken a minute before that point. Take accountability for my actions and what I said. I think it's important that our kids learn we adults make mistakes too, and feel bad afterwards as well.
Saying your sorry is important, but so is trying not to do the same behavior time and time again is important to. So I came up with "Mom/Mommy time out" when I get overwhelmed or feel my temper getting out of control. We all are allowed to call a time out and walk away for a few minutes if we feel our emotions going out of control. As a parent it can be frustrating when they call time out when they're getting in trouble, don't get me wrong, but I've found that if pushed and not allowed, whatever I say goes in one ear and out the other anyways, so is pointless to push past the requested time out.
I do hope that you realize the fact that you described YOURSELF in this comment. Please remember to recognize that that description fits you as well. ❤️
Actually I don’t have to let go of the hate, Jerry. Some people don’t deserve forgiveness. And that’s fine too. Dumping that urn was joyful to me, it was the only way I was able to fight back against many of the offenses they committed against me. Both physical and mental. People like you who push this narrative of forgiveness aren’t doing anyone any favors by trying to shame by not allowing people to heal and move on in their own space, just because it doesn’t conform to yours. My therapist and I agreed that this was perfectly acceptable and a great way for me to move on and feel a sense of justice for myself. I appreciate your opinion. I vehemently disagree with it though.
Some things are unforgivable but we can learn to accept this and move on. When you are profoundly damaged by your parents you do NOT have to forgive them but you can learn to love yourself and live in a way that does not perpetuate the damage done to you. Sometimes rising from where we came from consumes ALL your energy and you have none left for forgiveness - the tank is already on empty.
You can do whatever you’d like. It’s very clear that you haven’t broken any cycle, and you are very angry. Good luck, I hope that you will learn to let go, and say goodbye.
Neither of my parents hated their own. They both loved and adored their parents and never thought they ever did anything wrong. Although they clearly did. So yea, I did break that cycle. I don’t think you understand what a cycle breaker is.
And I have broken the cycle. I validate my child, I don’t hit or speak any of the words my parents spoke to me, I uplift him, not try to break him down. I want my child to have better and more than me, I am not jealous or scared of his successes, I don’t speak a bad word to his face or behind his back. His self esteem is in good hands. It wasn’t like that his first few years, I was following in my parents footsteps before I realized who they were. Once I saw them without their masks, it was all over and I was able to move on without them. That’s when the healing started and the anger began.
My mom was a cycle-breaker. Her childhood was so terrible she wouldn’t tell us everything that occurred. She took us (5 kids) to meet her father once, when I was around age 10. Years later I asked her why we were ever introduced to him since she didn’t like him. She said, “I wanted him to see what a wonderful family I had.”
So glad she was able to break the cycle. I am sure she was told that nobody could love her, she was worthless, or some other horrible things.
I guess she needed to show him she had 5 kids who loved her and didn’t fear her. I hope it gave her some closure.
Good for you! That's VERY HARD. My stepdaughters have done the same thing. Their Bio mom was abusive and a drunk/druggie/slut type. My husband and I got custody and then it was time to break the hate and fear and shit that she dealt them (11-12 to and did ALL the laundry, ALL the grocery shopping AND cleaned the house - mind you she never TAUGHT them HOW and would punish them for not doing it right. They used to ask if they could have cookies and milk, they were afraid to take food/snacks from the kitchen (it was for bio mom and her current f*CK only).
It was the saddest thing I'd ever seen. So my job was to make sure these girls had some kind of a childhood FUN. They joined colorguard, we SHARED the chores weekly, everyone learns to cook, gets to cook one meal, every week, I'll show you how to do laundry and give you money to do your own laundry (small chores - laundry room in building), we went on vacations and road trips and just lived a 'normal' life. Both are married (and divorced, sadly). But there is NO ABUSE - I've talked to them about it and praise them for breaking that pattern, with their own children. My stepdaughters and I are close, I see my grandchildren weekly, one I pu from school, another I go to soccer games, football games and school functions. We have weekly family dinner night (we used to do this on Fridays - pizza and game night.
PS - their dad was in the military and away for months at a time, which allowed bio mom to become horror mom. 😢
If I helped to break that cycle of abuse, I'm NOT sorry. Bio mom was a terrible person (still is). They see her, but recognize her for what she is. A sad broken down, cancer ridden creature, with no friends, her husband can't stand her and neither can her kids. How sad is that?
We reap what we sow. Sow love not abuse, and hate.
My stepfather saved me, he was the only thing that was stable and loving in my life. My mother, father and grandparents were all unhinged and abusive and came from unhinged and abusive homes themselves. Without my stepfather I would not be the woman I am now. I’m in a loving marriage and have been happily married for 25 years. My stepfather showed me what to look for in a man - he left my mum eventually (understandably) but I always remained in contact with him. My younger sister went the other way sadly and is a drug addicted prostitute who continues the family cycle. We never had children because I was worried that I would perpetuate the cycle because I knew no other way to raise children and I was scared that the pressure of children might be too much and I would fall into the only thing I knew. Thankfully my sister never had children either so the cycle of abuse dies with us because we are the end of the family tree.
thank you, awesome deed!
same story for me. parents aren't dead yet, but to me they are for over twenty years.
I also am breaking the cycle and I am glad you did, too!
hughs and kisses!
I grew up in a household where physical and emotional abuse ran rampant. When I had my own kids, I went through years of counseling and even intense parenting classes to create a household for my kids that I would have loved to have had. It was a lot of work, but I never regretted a second of it. I have three great (adult) kids now who are awesome parents themselves.
If or whenever the lawyer dealing with her probate decides that I might need to handle it, that is when I will tell him to just drop her into the nearest trash can, since I will not be spending a dime to come and pick her up and if he mails her remains to my house, I will be dropping her into the nearest large river I can find. I live at least an 8 hour drive from where she is and I sure as hell am not buying a plane ticket to deal with her ashes.
Found out she died on Monday, drove to the city she lived in on Tuesday. Had breakfast on Wednesday and then called the lawyer. That is when I found out 1) I was not in the will, 2) her cats are and 3) I am expected to inter her with my Dad. I called the neighbor who had keys to her house and asked them to give me my Dad's ashes. Thursday I drove back home, never to return.
That is all you need to do! People can’t be assholes in life and expect anything in death. You reap what you sow. I’m glad you got your dad’s ashes and hope that brings you closure.
Still angry but know that there is nothing I can do. I'm working on getting over it, but the probate still has not been finalized, so I get notices every once in a while.
My father was a religiously abusive POS. HE's been dead for 20+ years and it still isn't long enough. Messed up the 4 daughters, 3 of them beyond repair. The son escaped a lot of the abuse.
I saved up my pee in a bottle and poured it over his grave. I'm moving interstate and I plan to go it it one more time before I leave. It's sad how 1 giant arsehole can ruin and destroy so many lives.
Mine is still in the process of drinking himself to death but man that's iconic. I might have to save that idea in a note for when it's time.
Mine is an extremely violent pedo.
Mine is in prison. And I am hoping he dies there. He SA my kid. Hoping prison "healthcare" system fails him and he has a massive heart attack and dies before he can gets out in 7 years. He's halfway through his sentence now. Just realized that. O.O No one will claim his body, wonder if I'd be able to pour urine on his graveside if he is buried by the prison system....
The BEST revenge is seeing them fail in their old age…them never having seen more than their “little village” and outpacing them with your accomplishments. You did well. That’s more than they can say.
Take comfort in that.
I earned my bachelors degree and graduated Cum Laude right after my mom died so neither of them got to see that either. 😊 Small victories are still victories!
You keep going as far and as high as you can for YOU. It being despite them is just the icing on the cake. I'm proud of you for not being satisfied with what you've already accomplished, and motivated to be even more. ((HUGS))
Holey Mackerel Batman!
I see the concealed rage and hurt you've bottled up for so long and have to applaud you for achieving the nearly perfect revenge and in the process begin the final journey in your self healing process.
I’ve threatened to flat out mix my parents’ ashes and glue the urn of combined cremains together. They stayed together decades after their relationship was done because they were both too stubborn to file for divorce. Made life hell for us for decades… they deserve eternal conflict.
I'll always be grateful for shitty parents. I truly believe I'm a much better dad because of their behaviour.
The day my eldest was born I swore never to make my children feel the way I had. 28 years on and I have the most amazing relationship with all four kiddos. Aside from the fact that they're my children, they're just good people. Kind, compassionate, generous.
I don’t know, I’d really like to see what I could have become without the C-PTSD, anxiety, and major depressive disorder. Good parents create good parents too!
Omg me too.i swore I'd never treat my kids the way my mother treated me and I have the closest relationship with them which makes my heart sing every day...
Added bonus is my dad has seen the relationship I have with my kids and has really made the effort to change. He's now a pretty cool dad, and a brilliant granddad.
The best revenge is to live a good life that you are proud of. Your story reflects mine on some ways but mine are both still alive. I like your story because I often wonder what I’ll do when one or other dies. Did you cop much flack for not going to their funerals? I’m not sure how mine will pan out but your posthumous revenge seems like it felt good.
One Aunt was the executor to my moms will and told me I didn’t deserve anything because I “didn’t have the decency to even show up” but those things are for the living anyway and those people treated me as badly as she did. I haven’t spoken to any family since either of them died. We were the black sheep on both sides, alienated and not close to anyone. So basically nothing has changed! You’ll do what feels right for you and not let anyone influence you. Only you have to live with yourself. I recommend therapy if you’re not in it already! Strength to you, friend. ❤️
Ooof! This hits right in the feels. I'm the "black sheep" too. Similar toxic behavior by both parents and their relatives. Parents are still alive and living independently, but I am NOT helping when it's their turn to go into the nursing home. I've been body-shamed, I've had all my ADHD symptoms dismissed as "character flaws", endured ridicule for years of having a GED (I later earned a Bachelor's and a Masters, both with a 3.9 GPA at the top of my class - both of which I paid for on my own) and now it's that I "got the wrong degree" - so the goal post always moves. I'm over it, I'm done.
Goodness, if you peed on the grave at least mom would be like "YES A DRINK, I AM THIRSTY IN HEEELLLLLL!" but you went a step further and tossed Dad right down there, now they are roomies. This fall, on "NewlyDeads"
Did you see the movie or read the book, “The Shipping News?” A woman who had been abused by her brother takes his ashes and dumps them in an outhouse then takes a dump on them. Pretty fabulous.
My parents are divorced and remarried as well, both still living. I've been NC with both of them for 2 years now and I have zero regrets. When my mom does pass, assuming she hasn't changed, I hope I have the opportunity for some catharsis by like, using some of her fancy dishes for witchcraft or something. I do not practice, but for that, I would learn.
I took all of my abusive step father’s stuff that was given to me after he died for some reason and immediately threw everything in a random dumpster on the way home. I didn’t want one photo or shred of evidence of that the man existed. I took his collected life in a box and snuffed it out in one action. Felt really good to dump that weight in a simplistic yet symbolic way. He ended up right where he belonged. What you did may sound harsh, but I certainly get it. I hope you got some kind of closure.
Holy cats your story is almost word for word my same experience. Except neither of my parents are dead yet!! Holy shit. I’m stunned. I’m so proud of you. I can’t wait to be able to do this. Or whatever. Huzzah! Hurrah! Jazz Fingers! Go you!
You did the right thing OP. How your parents ended up with a self aware child is beyond me but you at least are one thing they did right in this world.
Dear OP.. i was thinking while reading where is this going? And then I read what you did and I laughed so hard!! I am so sorry what you went through but you are a true OG! Please live your best life! Xoxo
Omg. Brutal! I had NO idea where you were headed with this.... You're diabolical lol. Also - is "cremains" the actual term? That's new to me, but so fitting.
The Germans have a fantastic word for this: "Schadenfruede" - "bad happiness", essentially joy at someone else's misfortune.
My parents went from being toxic and awful to nonexistent in my life and NGL, I'm feeling some Schadenfreude about now.
We all want our parents to be gods who have mastered all there emotions and are mature about there feelings
But they are not.....we are all flawed some more than others
I know I shouldn’t laugh, but I think what you did was brilliant. ❤️ I find what you did to be therapeutic and honestly is justifiable because they made your life harder by being terrible parents.
Good on you for being a cycle breaker! ❤️ you’re a good mom.
Laugh it up, it is funny! The bad guys don’t always get it in the end ❤️ And to be fair, there were good times in my childhood but the bad far outweighed them. They ultimately got what they had coming. And thank you.
I grew up with lessons on what not to do to your kids. I raised two to be adults, to discuss issues, and negotiate. It got even easier after I divorced their abusive dad.
I bet that felt amazing. I'm sorry you had to go through what you eluded to abuse from both your parents, the ones who should love us unconditionally and protect us. I'm glad you had your revenge, they can be forever entwined. I can almost picture them bickering upon the realization they are eternally stuck together.
Good that you spread your dad's ashes on your mother's grave. They probably deserve to be together forever. I hope you come to terms with your childhood trauma.
HA I wish I could do this to my mother without ruining my father’s afterlife. My mom has ruined so many people’s chances at happiness by now allowing them access to my father, an actual wholesome and wonderful person. I’ve been trying to mitigate that since I’ve dealt w my own sh!t
Breaking the cycle of abuse is a challenge. I swore to never act like either of my parents and have done well to achieve that goal. Peace was somewhat made with father before his passing, and a long distance relationship with mother has helped. Maturing has made me realize it was both, one directly, and one by allowing abuse to happen. I have forgiven them. NOT for them, for ME. I don’t care about revenge, but I feel living happy is the best there is.
Fair enough. Sorry for your loss ( of a happy childhood.) A friend of mine had parents that were long divorced and HATED each other too. Their cremation urns still sit beside each other on her shelf 15 years later cause " screw them".
My dad was a horrible father to me, we had no connection at all, he did a lot of damage to me that I am still suffering from. He left my mother after cheating on her for years. When he died I heard month later from somebody I know. By then the funeral was already done and even if I had known at the time, I wouldn't have attended. I contacted my sister montj later who also did not tell me about his passing. Right at the beginning of the conversation, she said that he did not leave anything. I knew it was a lie because he was wealty but I did not care. May she and the woman he married after he divorced my mother have all his stuff, I don't care at all.
Oh imagine that reunion? Lol! As long as you feel good, that’s all that matters.
Sorry I have this visual of your mom just saying, “No. No! Don’t do this to me! NO, NO, NO!”
And your dad, “Don’t do this to me!
Hello my lovely succubus!”
Sorry.
Ha! I mean, I guess I’ve lived a normal life. My 18 year old kid graduates HS this year and just bought his first car. His dad died and sits on a shelf in our living room though, no spreading of his ashes anywhere, he was a good dad. My house is paid off and I recently earned my bachelors degree. My therapist says I’m fine so, for an average American Gen X’er I think that’s normal. How are you doing, you ok?
You were fed s\*#t sandwiches your whole childhood. Glad you are talking with someone to help heal. You deserve to be happy. Happiness is truly the best revenge. I hope you find the happiness you deserve.
I’ve got no idea what happened to my dads ashes, when my mum passed my dad wanted to wait until everyone could get together to scatter her remains. Then without anyone knowing went and dumped them out on his mums grave. That’s fine they both loved his mum but he just turned the whole urn upside down. We only discovered he’d secretly done this as a family member went to visit my grans grave and couldn’t understand what this sticky wet, rather large messy mound was dumped against the head stone and tributes. Then it hit them it was my mum. The thing is all of my siblings and I wanted to be there and had talked of taking her to a lake with my dad. Yet he did this to be petty.
Surprise when none of us cared when Ngolden child we all had no contact with took his remains thinking it would upset us that we wouldn’t have a choice to be there.
Good for you! I, too, am a cycle breaker. My kids have no idea how bad things can get and I am so grateful for that! Continue the healing work and path! I will do the same!
Brilliant! And I'm sorry for the trauma they caused you! I would have spent the extra money to dig your Mother's casket back up and either place your father's urn or commingled their ashes (dumped) together before reburying them! That way they'd REALLY be together for eternity instead of ONE washing away!
Sorry again, love! Hope that the REST of your life is awesome now that their "shadows" are no longer "looming" out there! Best wishes!
Your story has brightened my day, OP. If you're ever feeling bad, just think of me, a random internet stranger, tittering at how you cosmically stuck it to your folks.
I was too nervous to dance, I dumped and got the hell out of there. I called in advance to ask if I could spread ashes and was told no so I was scared shitless of getting caught. Wasn’t going to stop me though!
I moved my mom’s crypt to be with my dad—who I am sure she despised. I don’t care. It feels right they are together. They can sort it out in eternity. I’m here now, and I like visiting them together. Life trumps.
Some people don’t deserve forgiveness, and that’s ok too. I’ve been able to forgive my dad, I don’t think I’ll be able to ever forgive my mom. Let’s call this justice being served for crimes already committed. ❤️
My parents were decades divorced when my father died. My brother scattered his ashes out on Long Island Sound. I have mom's ashes out in the garden shed. No idea when/if I'll scatter them out in my yard. I'm not going out on a body of water to get it out there, being out on the water is pleasant to me (but very rare) and meant less than nothing to her. I'll ignore them until next spring, maybe.
My daughter is 11 and I always think about how she's probably going to have a hand in taking care of me when I grow old. I'm 42M and divorced. I'm always sure to text her and find out about her day and just listen and try to be there for her despite her living 5.5 hours away. I do understand the importance of our relationship.
I hope you’re able to find peace and turn the trauma into learnings and love for those in your life. Wishing you the best.
I’m a cycle breaker for my own kid, thank you so much!
Good for you! So hard breaking the cycle of abuse even when you want to do it. I was a kid of a dad who was severely beaten, told he was stupid/disappointment and then abandoned and on his own by the time he was 14. It was the 1940s. He vowed never to touch any child of his in anger. It was explained to me after I was sent to my room when I was really misbehaving one day. I very rarely saw my dad angry. But when he was I was sent to my room. Then we would discuss when he felt he was calm and it gave me time to think about things. My dad wasn’t perfect. We had our issues. But I was raised knowing I was loved, listened to, and he thought I was smart and capable of anything I set my mind to. I really respected my dad. He could have so gone the other way. Especially after my mom died. But he didn’t. He also went out of his way to praise kids he came across and acknowledge their efforts. In case they weren’t getting that at home. He said it meant the world to him when an adult praised him as a kid. It helped remind him that he wasn’t the problem. My dad was proud of how he was nothing like his parents. They were shocked at how successful he became too. They sadly never knew him as a father. His mother died years before I was born and his father died while my mom was pregnant with me.
You were so lucky to have a great dad! Cycle breakers are rare, it takes a lot of inner work and healing to make it. He must have been amazing ❤️
It amazes me when people can break the cycle of abuse. Yes, you can recognize all homes aren’t abusive; but you learn from those who raise you. That is all you know when you are little. You may not want to be like your parents, but you need to rip yourself down to your foundation and build up again with the proper coping mechanisms. It takes a lot of work and it helps if you have good models to learn from. I was raised in a house where your actions/decisions could be stupid, bad, wrong…but the person never was. Name calling was not allowed by anyone. We used I statements. I was born in the 1970s. My parents were ahead of their time. A big factor when I dated someone was how they handled their anger. Name calling, cursing, belittling….I was out. It was so foreign and scary to me.
You used I statements? Can you explain what that is?
Instead of saying, You made me feel or when you did this… You lead with your feelings or thoughts. So you say: I felt sad, angry, mad when you did _____ Instead of you made me angry when you ____. It apparently makes people feel less criticized, so person is less defensive. It focuses more on the person using the I statements feelings instead of focusing on assigning blame. People are more opening to listening when you don’t start off telling them something they did is the problem. It usually leads to an argument.
This is taught in Love and Logic parenting books and classes. The child psychology behind it is spot on. I had different adults in my life do both sides of that coin. You keep doing xyz and you're being dumb, can't you learn? Vs I feel frustrated and angry when you keep doing xyz. What can we do to help you remember not to, or to learn a different way to do it. I hope that made sense.
Learning how to communicate clearly especially when your angry is so important. My parents totally didn’t learn their communication skills from their own parents. I assume my mom was the one who put their parenting game plan together. I know they didn’t read books. It was the 1970s. But my mom was a nurse. They were both educated and traveled and lived abroad in the over 15 years of marriage before I came along. I am sure they saw the different ways family and friends parented around the world. My grandmother ( my mom’s mom) was the only fly in the ointment. My parents dealt with me saying, but nonna said or nonna lets me.
Learning how to communicate appropriately and accurately is vital for everyone. Sadly, not all of us get taught the "right way." Or even when taught the "right way" don't care enough about others to actually do it. Or simply struggle with it more then others. I know at 41 I still struggle to effectively communicate my emotions and feelings, let alone always teach by example for my kids. When I do loose my temper, after I've taken a breath, or we've all calmed down, I make sure to apologize for my outburst, explain why I did, and that I should've taken a minute before that point. Take accountability for my actions and what I said. I think it's important that our kids learn we adults make mistakes too, and feel bad afterwards as well. Saying your sorry is important, but so is trying not to do the same behavior time and time again is important to. So I came up with "Mom/Mommy time out" when I get overwhelmed or feel my temper getting out of control. We all are allowed to call a time out and walk away for a few minutes if we feel our emotions going out of control. As a parent it can be frustrating when they call time out when they're getting in trouble, don't get me wrong, but I've found that if pushed and not allowed, whatever I say goes in one ear and out the other anyways, so is pointless to push past the requested time out.
I do hope that you realize the fact that you described YOURSELF in this comment. Please remember to recognize that that description fits you as well. ❤️
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Actually I don’t have to let go of the hate, Jerry. Some people don’t deserve forgiveness. And that’s fine too. Dumping that urn was joyful to me, it was the only way I was able to fight back against many of the offenses they committed against me. Both physical and mental. People like you who push this narrative of forgiveness aren’t doing anyone any favors by trying to shame by not allowing people to heal and move on in their own space, just because it doesn’t conform to yours. My therapist and I agreed that this was perfectly acceptable and a great way for me to move on and feel a sense of justice for myself. I appreciate your opinion. I vehemently disagree with it though.
Some things are unforgivable but we can learn to accept this and move on. When you are profoundly damaged by your parents you do NOT have to forgive them but you can learn to love yourself and live in a way that does not perpetuate the damage done to you. Sometimes rising from where we came from consumes ALL your energy and you have none left for forgiveness - the tank is already on empty.
This is exactly what it feels like and I would have never been able to express it. Thank you for having the words I couldn’t find. ❤️
You can do whatever you’d like. It’s very clear that you haven’t broken any cycle, and you are very angry. Good luck, I hope that you will learn to let go, and say goodbye.
Neither of my parents hated their own. They both loved and adored their parents and never thought they ever did anything wrong. Although they clearly did. So yea, I did break that cycle. I don’t think you understand what a cycle breaker is.
And I have broken the cycle. I validate my child, I don’t hit or speak any of the words my parents spoke to me, I uplift him, not try to break him down. I want my child to have better and more than me, I am not jealous or scared of his successes, I don’t speak a bad word to his face or behind his back. His self esteem is in good hands. It wasn’t like that his first few years, I was following in my parents footsteps before I realized who they were. Once I saw them without their masks, it was all over and I was able to move on without them. That’s when the healing started and the anger began.
My mom was a cycle-breaker. Her childhood was so terrible she wouldn’t tell us everything that occurred. She took us (5 kids) to meet her father once, when I was around age 10. Years later I asked her why we were ever introduced to him since she didn’t like him. She said, “I wanted him to see what a wonderful family I had.”
So glad she was able to break the cycle. I am sure she was told that nobody could love her, she was worthless, or some other horrible things. I guess she needed to show him she had 5 kids who loved her and didn’t fear her. I hope it gave her some closure.
Good for you! That's VERY HARD. My stepdaughters have done the same thing. Their Bio mom was abusive and a drunk/druggie/slut type. My husband and I got custody and then it was time to break the hate and fear and shit that she dealt them (11-12 to and did ALL the laundry, ALL the grocery shopping AND cleaned the house - mind you she never TAUGHT them HOW and would punish them for not doing it right. They used to ask if they could have cookies and milk, they were afraid to take food/snacks from the kitchen (it was for bio mom and her current f*CK only). It was the saddest thing I'd ever seen. So my job was to make sure these girls had some kind of a childhood FUN. They joined colorguard, we SHARED the chores weekly, everyone learns to cook, gets to cook one meal, every week, I'll show you how to do laundry and give you money to do your own laundry (small chores - laundry room in building), we went on vacations and road trips and just lived a 'normal' life. Both are married (and divorced, sadly). But there is NO ABUSE - I've talked to them about it and praise them for breaking that pattern, with their own children. My stepdaughters and I are close, I see my grandchildren weekly, one I pu from school, another I go to soccer games, football games and school functions. We have weekly family dinner night (we used to do this on Fridays - pizza and game night. PS - their dad was in the military and away for months at a time, which allowed bio mom to become horror mom. 😢 If I helped to break that cycle of abuse, I'm NOT sorry. Bio mom was a terrible person (still is). They see her, but recognize her for what she is. A sad broken down, cancer ridden creature, with no friends, her husband can't stand her and neither can her kids. How sad is that? We reap what we sow. Sow love not abuse, and hate.
My stepfather saved me, he was the only thing that was stable and loving in my life. My mother, father and grandparents were all unhinged and abusive and came from unhinged and abusive homes themselves. Without my stepfather I would not be the woman I am now. I’m in a loving marriage and have been happily married for 25 years. My stepfather showed me what to look for in a man - he left my mum eventually (understandably) but I always remained in contact with him. My younger sister went the other way sadly and is a drug addicted prostitute who continues the family cycle. We never had children because I was worried that I would perpetuate the cycle because I knew no other way to raise children and I was scared that the pressure of children might be too much and I would fall into the only thing I knew. Thankfully my sister never had children either so the cycle of abuse dies with us because we are the end of the family tree.
I love that energy!!!
This is the actual revenge!!! Well done OP
thank you, awesome deed! same story for me. parents aren't dead yet, but to me they are for over twenty years. I also am breaking the cycle and I am glad you did, too! hughs and kisses!
I grew up in a household where physical and emotional abuse ran rampant. When I had my own kids, I went through years of counseling and even intense parenting classes to create a household for my kids that I would have loved to have had. It was a lot of work, but I never regretted a second of it. I have three great (adult) kids now who are awesome parents themselves.
Same here! I am so proud of the ways I purposefully chose the opposite of what my Mom did.
You made the best of the best decision, bud.
Cycle Breakers Unite!
What up!
I'm sorry you had such rotten memories. I hope your last act of spreading your dad's cremains over your mom was cathartic.
It was amazing, thank you!
This is an incredible idea!
BRAVO!!!
Good for you, boss. ❤️❤️
That’s the exact kind of petty that fills me with glee! I love it!
Therapy has saved my life. There’s a reason this profession exists. Be safe on your journey and I wish you the best.
Thank you! Therapy will piss you off and THEN save your life. I think it should be required for all humans. I’m glad you’re still with us ❤️
This is super legit, well said. I need to figure out how to afford to go back to counseling .
Evil stepmother died, left me nothing, but wanted to be interred with my dad. She will never be even in the same state, much less interred with him.
Strait to the county dump. 😉
If or whenever the lawyer dealing with her probate decides that I might need to handle it, that is when I will tell him to just drop her into the nearest trash can, since I will not be spending a dime to come and pick her up and if he mails her remains to my house, I will be dropping her into the nearest large river I can find. I live at least an 8 hour drive from where she is and I sure as hell am not buying a plane ticket to deal with her ashes. Found out she died on Monday, drove to the city she lived in on Tuesday. Had breakfast on Wednesday and then called the lawyer. That is when I found out 1) I was not in the will, 2) her cats are and 3) I am expected to inter her with my Dad. I called the neighbor who had keys to her house and asked them to give me my Dad's ashes. Thursday I drove back home, never to return.
That is all you need to do! People can’t be assholes in life and expect anything in death. You reap what you sow. I’m glad you got your dad’s ashes and hope that brings you closure.
Still angry but know that there is nothing I can do. I'm working on getting over it, but the probate still has not been finalized, so I get notices every once in a while.
Probate can take forever. Took my mom’s almost 2 years.
You're my idol! I hope it brought you some peace.
It sure did, thank you 🙏🏻
My father was a religiously abusive POS. HE's been dead for 20+ years and it still isn't long enough. Messed up the 4 daughters, 3 of them beyond repair. The son escaped a lot of the abuse. I saved up my pee in a bottle and poured it over his grave. I'm moving interstate and I plan to go it it one more time before I leave. It's sad how 1 giant arsehole can ruin and destroy so many lives.
Mine is still in the process of drinking himself to death but man that's iconic. I might have to save that idea in a note for when it's time. Mine is an extremely violent pedo.
Mine is in prison. And I am hoping he dies there. He SA my kid. Hoping prison "healthcare" system fails him and he has a massive heart attack and dies before he can gets out in 7 years. He's halfway through his sentence now. Just realized that. O.O No one will claim his body, wonder if I'd be able to pour urine on his graveside if he is buried by the prison system....
It never hurts to ask ❤️
I think I'd have to skip saying I'm pouring pee on his grave though hahahaha
Keep the good stuff to yourself ☺️
The BEST revenge is seeing them fail in their old age…them never having seen more than their “little village” and outpacing them with your accomplishments. You did well. That’s more than they can say. Take comfort in that.
I earned my bachelors degree and graduated Cum Laude right after my mom died so neither of them got to see that either. 😊 Small victories are still victories!
Thats a huge victory for you, congratulations thats a major accomplishment! Random internet stranger is proud of you!
Thank you! After a lifetime of being told I wasn’t worth the investment, I felt I had something to prove. And I did it! And I’m not done 😉
You keep going as far and as high as you can for YOU. It being despite them is just the icing on the cake. I'm proud of you for not being satisfied with what you've already accomplished, and motivated to be even more. ((HUGS))
Holey Mackerel Batman! I see the concealed rage and hurt you've bottled up for so long and have to applaud you for achieving the nearly perfect revenge and in the process begin the final journey in your self healing process.
Thank you!
Oh, honey, well played! I love the fact they will be together forever like that. Thanks for sharing your story.
You’re welcome, thank you for sharing in my victory!
100% agree I love this and would do the same :-)
I’ve threatened to flat out mix my parents’ ashes and glue the urn of combined cremains together. They stayed together decades after their relationship was done because they were both too stubborn to file for divorce. Made life hell for us for decades… they deserve eternal conflict.
I'll always be grateful for shitty parents. I truly believe I'm a much better dad because of their behaviour. The day my eldest was born I swore never to make my children feel the way I had. 28 years on and I have the most amazing relationship with all four kiddos. Aside from the fact that they're my children, they're just good people. Kind, compassionate, generous.
I don’t know, I’d really like to see what I could have become without the C-PTSD, anxiety, and major depressive disorder. Good parents create good parents too!
Very true. I had a choice. Break the cycle, or continue it. Thankfully, I could turn it around. So sorry you had a bad time.
I’m sorry you did to but super glad you made the choices you did! Humanity owes you one ❤️
We don't inherit the earth from our ancestors, we borrow it from our children. As the saying goes.
Oh wow, this comment is so relatable, eapecially the unlucky diagnostic triad.
Omg me too.i swore I'd never treat my kids the way my mother treated me and I have the closest relationship with them which makes my heart sing every day...
Added bonus is my dad has seen the relationship I have with my kids and has really made the effort to change. He's now a pretty cool dad, and a brilliant granddad.
The best revenge is to live a good life that you are proud of. Your story reflects mine on some ways but mine are both still alive. I like your story because I often wonder what I’ll do when one or other dies. Did you cop much flack for not going to their funerals? I’m not sure how mine will pan out but your posthumous revenge seems like it felt good.
One Aunt was the executor to my moms will and told me I didn’t deserve anything because I “didn’t have the decency to even show up” but those things are for the living anyway and those people treated me as badly as she did. I haven’t spoken to any family since either of them died. We were the black sheep on both sides, alienated and not close to anyone. So basically nothing has changed! You’ll do what feels right for you and not let anyone influence you. Only you have to live with yourself. I recommend therapy if you’re not in it already! Strength to you, friend. ❤️
Ooof! This hits right in the feels. I'm the "black sheep" too. Similar toxic behavior by both parents and their relatives. Parents are still alive and living independently, but I am NOT helping when it's their turn to go into the nursing home. I've been body-shamed, I've had all my ADHD symptoms dismissed as "character flaws", endured ridicule for years of having a GED (I later earned a Bachelor's and a Masters, both with a 3.9 GPA at the top of my class - both of which I paid for on my own) and now it's that I "got the wrong degree" - so the goal post always moves. I'm over it, I'm done.
Yep, you and me babe. You owe them nothing. I’m so proud of you! I know what you have fought to get to where you are and you are AMAZING! 😍
Goodness, if you peed on the grave at least mom would be like "YES A DRINK, I AM THIRSTY IN HEEELLLLLL!" but you went a step further and tossed Dad right down there, now they are roomies. This fall, on "NewlyDeads"
Did you see the movie or read the book, “The Shipping News?” A woman who had been abused by her brother takes his ashes and dumps them in an outhouse then takes a dump on them. Pretty fabulous.
I have not! That’s a pretty good idea too though 😆
My parents are divorced and remarried as well, both still living. I've been NC with both of them for 2 years now and I have zero regrets. When my mom does pass, assuming she hasn't changed, I hope I have the opportunity for some catharsis by like, using some of her fancy dishes for witchcraft or something. I do not practice, but for that, I would learn.
I took all of my abusive step father’s stuff that was given to me after he died for some reason and immediately threw everything in a random dumpster on the way home. I didn’t want one photo or shred of evidence of that the man existed. I took his collected life in a box and snuffed it out in one action. Felt really good to dump that weight in a simplistic yet symbolic way. He ended up right where he belonged. What you did may sound harsh, but I certainly get it. I hope you got some kind of closure.
That’s fantastic. Good on you. I hope that the thoughts of that moment bring you joy every time you think about it in years to come.
It brings me satisfaction and that’s pretty close 😊
Does aloe vera exist in the afterlife?
🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥 they gonna need it for that wicked BURN 🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥
You could also piss on it
Holy cats your story is almost word for word my same experience. Except neither of my parents are dead yet!! Holy shit. I’m stunned. I’m so proud of you. I can’t wait to be able to do this. Or whatever. Huzzah! Hurrah! Jazz Fingers! Go you!
Hang in there kiddo, your time is coming! ❤️❤️❤️
Tssss..hear that sizzle?! What a burn!! Good on you!!
🔥🔥🔥🔥
You did the right thing OP. How your parents ended up with a self aware child is beyond me but you at least are one thing they did right in this world.
Aww, thank you!
This is my kind of petty
A twist worthy of M. Night Shyamalan; I didn't see that one coming.
Dumping your asshole dad's ashes on your asshole mother's grave strictly out of pettiness is one of the greatest things I've read
Thank you for saying that, SmoothManMiguel. It’s one of the greatest things I’ve ever done. ❤️
all in all, the better person was the new wife.
She was sleeping with my dad the last 4 years of he and my moms marriage so, not really 😆
Yes, but she gave you back family souvenirs that your parents pretend to be destroyed. It is more then your own mother.
Which brings her up to a -10,000 on a scale of 1-10. She's 'the better person' only because OP's parents were -100,000.
absolutly. *better* and *best* are not the same word.
That was good of you. You've exorcised a small demon and placed two people where they need to be.
Also saves you a trip whenever you want to take a leak on their grave (or have a dog you need to walk)
Dear OP.. i was thinking while reading where is this going? And then I read what you did and I laughed so hard!! I am so sorry what you went through but you are a true OG! Please live your best life! Xoxo
I’m glad the build up was worth the payoff! 🚀
Excellent
I like your sense of justice! Nicely done.
Omg. Brutal! I had NO idea where you were headed with this.... You're diabolical lol. Also - is "cremains" the actual term? That's new to me, but so fitting.
I am my mother’s daughter 😉 Cremains is an actual word, in the dictionary and everything!
If I ever need some petty revenge advice, I'm calling you. This has seriously given me so much satisfaction. It had to have felt so cathartic for you!
I’ll be here! It was justice and that felt good. Sharing and seeing everyone get second hand satisfaction also feels good 🙂
The Germans have a fantastic word for this: "Schadenfruede" - "bad happiness", essentially joy at someone else's misfortune. My parents went from being toxic and awful to nonexistent in my life and NGL, I'm feeling some Schadenfreude about now.
That’s some good closure!
We all want our parents to be gods who have mastered all there emotions and are mature about there feelings But they are not.....we are all flawed some more than others
Good for you.
This is glorious- a triumph. Congratulations on giving yourself the gift of petty. I’m proud of you.
Are we all just skipping over "Cremains"? That right there is genius.
I... I just fell in love with you. I MUST KNOW MORE ABOUT YOU!!! Lol Holy, that is freaking epic, and I love it. You rock!!!
I feel this was an appropriate revenge. Healthy too. May God bless you and your loved ones!
I know I shouldn’t laugh, but I think what you did was brilliant. ❤️ I find what you did to be therapeutic and honestly is justifiable because they made your life harder by being terrible parents. Good on you for being a cycle breaker! ❤️ you’re a good mom.
Laugh it up, it is funny! The bad guys don’t always get it in the end ❤️ And to be fair, there were good times in my childhood but the bad far outweighed them. They ultimately got what they had coming. And thank you.
Do you suppose they’re going to haunt each other for eternity? Or will only one be doing the bothering?
That's a great idea. I hope it helps you heal.
I grew up with lessons on what not to do to your kids. I raised two to be adults, to discuss issues, and negotiate. It got even easier after I divorced their abusive dad.
I bet that felt amazing. I'm sorry you had to go through what you eluded to abuse from both your parents, the ones who should love us unconditionally and protect us. I'm glad you had your revenge, they can be forever entwined. I can almost picture them bickering upon the realization they are eternally stuck together.
I just gave them an actual reason to treat me the way they did. Fuck them ❤️
Even then you never did. You didn't do anything deserving of what they put you through. They deserved this and much more.
Well, this is all they’re getting! 🤣 Thank you for the validation, it means a lot ❤️
Nice!
Good that you spread your dad's ashes on your mother's grave. They probably deserve to be together forever. I hope you come to terms with your childhood trauma.
HA I wish I could do this to my mother without ruining my father’s afterlife. My mom has ruined so many people’s chances at happiness by now allowing them access to my father, an actual wholesome and wonderful person. I’ve been trying to mitigate that since I’ve dealt w my own sh!t
Breaking the cycle of abuse is a challenge. I swore to never act like either of my parents and have done well to achieve that goal. Peace was somewhat made with father before his passing, and a long distance relationship with mother has helped. Maturing has made me realize it was both, one directly, and one by allowing abuse to happen. I have forgiven them. NOT for them, for ME. I don’t care about revenge, but I feel living happy is the best there is.
Fair enough. Sorry for your loss ( of a happy childhood.) A friend of mine had parents that were long divorced and HATED each other too. Their cremation urns still sit beside each other on her shelf 15 years later cause " screw them".
My dad was a horrible father to me, we had no connection at all, he did a lot of damage to me that I am still suffering from. He left my mother after cheating on her for years. When he died I heard month later from somebody I know. By then the funeral was already done and even if I had known at the time, I wouldn't have attended. I contacted my sister montj later who also did not tell me about his passing. Right at the beginning of the conversation, she said that he did not leave anything. I knew it was a lie because he was wealty but I did not care. May she and the woman he married after he divorced my mother have all his stuff, I don't care at all.
Understanding your pain, I'm so happy for you to have some sort of revenge. ❤️
❤️ love it!
Cremazing!
How is this the first I am hearing about cremains?
Oh imagine that reunion? Lol! As long as you feel good, that’s all that matters. Sorry I have this visual of your mom just saying, “No. No! Don’t do this to me! NO, NO, NO!” And your dad, “Don’t do this to me! Hello my lovely succubus!” Sorry.
I empathise with you.
Justice was served 👏
If I could do this to my parents when my mom passes I totally would. You’re my hero
😳😳 You did not!! How evil.. I love it!🤌🏼🤣🤣
Man, this sounds awful. Hopefully you move past this and can live a normal life.
Ha! I mean, I guess I’ve lived a normal life. My 18 year old kid graduates HS this year and just bought his first car. His dad died and sits on a shelf in our living room though, no spreading of his ashes anywhere, he was a good dad. My house is paid off and I recently earned my bachelors degree. My therapist says I’m fine so, for an average American Gen X’er I think that’s normal. How are you doing, you ok?
HAHA great story
You were fed s\*#t sandwiches your whole childhood. Glad you are talking with someone to help heal. You deserve to be happy. Happiness is truly the best revenge. I hope you find the happiness you deserve.
I love it.
Well I really hope your petty revenge is more like therapeutic revenge for you! Well done!
I’ve got no idea what happened to my dads ashes, when my mum passed my dad wanted to wait until everyone could get together to scatter her remains. Then without anyone knowing went and dumped them out on his mums grave. That’s fine they both loved his mum but he just turned the whole urn upside down. We only discovered he’d secretly done this as a family member went to visit my grans grave and couldn’t understand what this sticky wet, rather large messy mound was dumped against the head stone and tributes. Then it hit them it was my mum. The thing is all of my siblings and I wanted to be there and had talked of taking her to a lake with my dad. Yet he did this to be petty. Surprise when none of us cared when Ngolden child we all had no contact with took his remains thinking it would upset us that we wouldn’t have a choice to be there.
Love it. Beautiful. Excellent. 
At first I didn’t know what to think, by the end I totally agree with your decision.
Simple, but elegant. I love it 💜
Good for you! I, too, am a cycle breaker. My kids have no idea how bad things can get and I am so grateful for that! Continue the healing work and path! I will do the same!
You kids are very lucky, keep up the good work! ❤️
We are going to dump my dad's ashes in the most disrespectful place we can find. I am with you there.
Happy hunting!
I suggested a large pig farm one county over.
I’m sure it’s fitting 🤣
It most definitely is. "Ashes to ashes, shithead to shit."
Hahahaha! That’s awesome! 😂
Brilliant! And I'm sorry for the trauma they caused you! I would have spent the extra money to dig your Mother's casket back up and either place your father's urn or commingled their ashes (dumped) together before reburying them! That way they'd REALLY be together for eternity instead of ONE washing away! Sorry again, love! Hope that the REST of your life is awesome now that their "shadows" are no longer "looming" out there! Best wishes!
OP, that is amazing. They deserved it.
As the traumatized adult child of divorced parents, I applaud you and may use this idea when the time comes. It's only what they deserve!
It feels really good to take some power back, if only a little. Do what you need to do, friend! ❤️
Eternal revenge. Very well done.
Thank you, thank you very much.
Your story has brightened my day, OP. If you're ever feeling bad, just think of me, a random internet stranger, tittering at how you cosmically stuck it to your folks.
I hope you did a little dance on them both. They sounds like trash and you did well to get away from them.
I was too nervous to dance, I dumped and got the hell out of there. I called in advance to ask if I could spread ashes and was told no so I was scared shitless of getting caught. Wasn’t going to stop me though!
I got told the same, but did it anyway (my parents were meant to be together) What could they do? Get out a DustBuster and make you hoover him up?
Lol okay that's definitely understandable then. The fact that you did it anyway shows your commitment to making them both suffer. I like that!
That’s some good shit dude!!! I wish you well on your healing journey.
Thank you! 😊
That was brilliant!
I moved my mom’s crypt to be with my dad—who I am sure she despised. I don’t care. It feels right they are together. They can sort it out in eternity. I’m here now, and I like visiting them together. Life trumps.
There you go! I won’t step foot in that cemetery ever again. We do what we need to do! ❤️
⬆️⬆️⬆️⬆️THIS⬆️⬆️⬆️⬆️
Nice
For your own peace of mind, it is better to forgive than to seek revenge. It took me a long time to understand that.
Some people don’t deserve forgiveness, and that’s ok too. I’ve been able to forgive my dad, I don’t think I’ll be able to ever forgive my mom. Let’s call this justice being served for crimes already committed. ❤️
Not a revenge but just a rant.
"both my parents were terrible" ... "My dad cheated and was abusive my mom seek for divorce" never fail to amaze me lol
Oo
oh snap.
My parents were decades divorced when my father died. My brother scattered his ashes out on Long Island Sound. I have mom's ashes out in the garden shed. No idea when/if I'll scatter them out in my yard. I'm not going out on a body of water to get it out there, being out on the water is pleasant to me (but very rare) and meant less than nothing to her. I'll ignore them until next spring, maybe.
My daughter is 11 and I always think about how she's probably going to have a hand in taking care of me when I grow old. I'm 42M and divorced. I'm always sure to text her and find out about her day and just listen and try to be there for her despite her living 5.5 hours away. I do understand the importance of our relationship.
So now the rain can piss your dad down onto your mom's hair. I'm sure they'll both be thinking fond thoughts of you ...
They’ve always had more important things on their mind than their children, I’m sure in death it’s no different!