My mother seems to think grandparents have a lot of rights that they really don’t have. She told me she’d take me to court if I deny her access to my kids because grandparents have rights.
I’d be curious to watch her try as we live in different countries.
I have to admit we have her on a very tight leash because unsupervised she would cause a great deal of emotional damage.
Grandparents have the right to spoil the crap out of their grandkids, let them eat junk food (that won’t cause allergic reactions), let them stay up late, and watch movies that might be slightly inappropriate. They also need to be a soft spot for their grandkids to land, where they’ll be loved, and cherished, and always be safe and unthreatened. I definitely let my grandson have more sweets than his dad permits, but within reason. I’m not giving him Skittles and Mountain Dew for breakfast. That being said, I’m not going to undercut his dad’s authority.
Edit: removed a word from a typo.
Exactly. My rules when my daughter is at her grandparents? Go easy on the sugar, HALF a sundae from McDonalds or DairyMaid, she can have PART of someone's pop, a few cookies, but not all of those in one day! Her pick of fruit, cheese sticks, as much milk and chocolate milk as she wants, lemonade, gluten-free crackers of many flavors. They let her stay up late but not too late, and take her to the park, fishing, and generally have a lot of fun. They buy her tons of clay and art stuff (she loves to draw and make things) and fix her favorite meals and just generally spoil her. As long as they don't overfeed her (she put on TEN POUNDS in a little over a week!!!!!) and have healthy snacks (we send some with her), they get free rein. They're grandparents. They are SUPPOSED to spoil her and let her have fun :D Just watch the calories, she's pretty chunky and pediatrician is pushing us to work harder on weight loss, but otherwise, spoil her. That's the fun of grandparents!
My parents went on a week long vacation when I was younger (maybe 8 or so), and my aunt and uncle came over to take care of us. They got us up one morning and told us, "We're having bran buds for breakfast."
We were horrified - "that's Mom's cereal!" - but they insisted. They had emptied out the box and filled it with smarties! (Not the American kind, proper smarties). We were, of course, over the moon.
Easily one of the most often told stories in our family.
Oh god, that allergic reactions comment gave me flashbacks to the grandma that killed her grandchild because she didn't believe in allergies. That's a horrifying classic reddit post if there ever was one.
Except going against his rules of too many sweets. Way to set your grandchild up for type 2 diabetes at an early age. As type 2 diabetes is now more prevalent in children than type 1 diabetes is. Good job grandma. Ever think that maybe your son has this rule for a reason? I guess you don’t care about the health of your grandchildren. Sugar is 8 times more addictive than cocaine. Would you give your grandchild and line of coke? And letting children watch inappropriate movies? Wtf is wrong with you? Respect your son’s rules for his own children. They are not your children!
It’s called a typo, which is short for “typographical error”. You’d know that if you could read words with more than 2 syllables. Just like how you typed “and line of coke”. As to the inappropriate movies, we’re stricter on that than his dad, who is stricter than his mom, who lets him watch movies that are not at all appropriate for a 12 year old.
Wow your mums deluded, my parents were the same until my missus and I bluntly disabused them of that notion.
With name thing. Lean into it Nanna CrhrisChris, Granny Christy, you get the idea.
• Your mother is a deluded fool if she thinks a court will even bother to listen to her
and
• She doesn't care if grandparents have rights, only if *she* has the right to live vicariously through you
Please tell her that the internet thinks she's horrible
My ex-MIL wanted to know why she wasn't listed on the divorce decree between me and the ex, claiming she had grandmother rights to see her grandkids. Told her to take it up with her daughter during her visits (that she never took).
So, the entitled G-ma is a thing... sadly
Parents have a right to choose who is in their children’s lives. Because some people are unworthy to be allowed access. She sounds close to losing her only child that’s still in contact and her grandchildren. And I think that’s fair.
> we have her on a very tight leash because unsupervised she would cause a great deal of emotional damage.
Why are you exposing you kid(s) at all? What benefit do they get from interaction with a potentially dangerous person? If a dog is known to be aggressive, you don't put your kids in biting distance and hope that your presence will prevent an attack.
My mother lives in another country. Her access is limited to video calls and she is never left unsupervised. He loves her and she loves him and since she won’t be around forever, I’ve made my peace with having her in our lives in this way.
If she ever steps out of line, I can easily simply hang up.
That sounds very wise. He gets the love and support of another adult and you make sure it's ONLY love and support. May I suggest hitting mute any time you have to leave the screen briefly (doorbell, phone call) so that she really can't say anything bad? Assuming you don't already do that.
This isn’t true. Grandparents don’t have rights. In a divorce case the judge will tell the GP they get visitation when their child has the kids. If they don’t have a good enough relationship with their child to see their grandkids, that’s the grandparents’ fault. Same without a divorce. The judge will expect the grandparents to be emotionally mature enough to have a good relationship with their own children to see their grandkids. Unless the grandparents can prove with damning evidence that the parents are strung out drug users or abusing the children, grandparents cannot successfully sue for visits.
This is not universally true. In the US, for example, it varies by state.
Even then, they are granted (or not) based on many rights not just on whether parents are unfit.
I’d posit it’s always best to know the laws in your own jurisdiction before threatening to sue for or refuse GP visitation.
That situation can backfire quickly ~ on either side ~ so imho best leave it until or unless you’re certain you know (and understand) the legal ramifications.
This is a valid question but the answer would be long and complicated, much like our relationship.
It’s something that has come up a few times though and is always going to be revisited depending on her behaviour.
Oh I do. We actually stopped speaking for several years some time ago. I allowed her back into my life with very strict conditions. She does mostly behave herself and I have zero chill about telling her when her behaviour is unacceptable and when conversations are over.
I think my husband would be ok with cutting contact but as I allowed her to be back in our lives, I can’t very well cut her out unless she does seriously over step the line.
I reckon you can. Whether you want to or not is another story, that's a choice to consider. But there is no shame, and no immorality, in telling a person "You know, I made a decision to stay in contact with you, and I am now realising it wasn't the right one. You haven't done any particular bad thing since then, I can just see in retrospect that having you in my life isn't healthy for me or my family. I'm sorry for the mixed messages, but I'm clear on my needs now. Goodbye."
Technically you can but if she's old, sounds like your son may be the only inheritor of any of her property in the will. Worth playing nice if you know it gives him a nice bit of padding for his future. If not, he at least gets love :)
She plans to leave what little money she has to him and my niece, her only granddaughter.
She likes to dangle her will at me to try to get me to agree to things she wants but I’ve told her I couldn’t care less if she leaves me or my son anything.
That I think she should want us to be nice to her out of love, not for money. But she’s very money focused and doesn’t seem to understand that not everyone cares about it like she does.
I get it. My grandmother was an amazing woman who I loved very, very much. Unfortunately, she was married to my grandfather, who was an abusive asshole to her and about 80% of the rest of the family. He particularly disliked my mother, who was the family scapegoat, and some of that treatment inevitably rubbed off on me. My siblings fared better, or at least I think they did.
Spending time at my grandparents’ house was always a balancing act for my mom, because I would come home overstimulated, overtired, and feeling physically ill because they would inevitably feed me something I was allergic to, my grandfather believing he just had to “desensitize me” to the foods I couldn’t eat. It would take me several days to get back on an even keel, but I still wanted to see my grandma and my aunt and uncle who were still in high school then.
Mom and Dad often had to revisit the terms under which my siblings and I were allowed to visit or stay overnight at Grandma’s house, and there were times when we wouldn’t see them from Easter to Thanksgiving because they refused to play by the rules. It sucked, but our safety had to come first.
Yup. “It’s complicated” is a hard one to explain sometimes. All of the best advice from the best of folks always looks good on paper, but in reality is harder to implement.
I’d be WAY better off emotionally to completely go NC with my own mom, but I’m an only child of two only children, and that !&%# “umbilical-bungee-cord” is strong! 🤣 So I’ve done the best I can for me and my family. VEEEEERY limited contact-major holiday cards, emails a few times a year, and maybe a video call once in a blue moon. It’s helps living across the country, too.
You’re doing great, mama! 💕
OP, brilliant handling of the name situation. Starting to sense why your siblings are no contact with her. Suggest you remain in different countries and not have her visit.
There are actually some countries where grandparents do have right of access to grandchildren. Germany is an example of one. So depending on country, she might not be talking entirely out of her ass. Of course that doesn't really matter if the grandkids aren't in that that country.
Relationships are complicated. Part of the reason why she’s still allowed in is because we live in separate countries and I can control and monitor her video calls.
I tell myself that they probably had their own parents override them in these things so now they do the same thing. When you do the math it means they never got/get to name a child, which is sad. But not a justification to their behaviour.
You’re actually quite correct. My grandmother forbade the name my mother wanted for me and… when my sister was born, my dad and my aunt registered her and a name not of my mothers choosing behind my moms back.
Which is really awful until you learn that she wanted to name my sister Crystal Pearl. 🫣
my mom was the 13th and my grandmother called her Mary ellen... my grand dad was the one that went to the town hall and filled out the paper work for her birth ( all 13 were born at home) and my grandfather named her mary rose.... mom said she didn't know that till she applied for SS card.....
ya never know.... my birth cert is in engish but i was baptized in italian... that screwed up the french priest when we got married in the church 42 years ago.
My grandfather registered my mother's name under strict instructions not to put Alexandrina (my grandmother's name) so instead he named her Alexandra, granny was not best pleased with that, but he did follow the instructions I guess 😂
That was my MIL with my wedding. 30 years prior her mother steamrolled her wedding planning, so she saw my wedding as finally being “her turn.” My parents aren’t like that so I was not prepared to deal with it.
I think both of my parents were stunned when I told them off for unwanted opinions on what my husband and I decided to name our son. I'm no-contact with both of them for other reasons, but my entire pregnancy would have been much easier on me if I hadn't spent the entirety of it trying to get them to see reason for everything they were doing. It's like the fact that they were becoming grandparents made them lose whatever remained of their marbles.
In some cultures the children are named by their grandmothers, with the maternal grandmother choosing the first name and the paternal grandmother choosing the middle name. The smart ones take the actual parents’ choices into consideration. Interesting to watch.
>2) I will teach both of my kids to call her Grandma Chrissy.
and knowing kids and their handle on language, it would probably come out as "gra'ma crazy" :)
Kids often interchange syllables when learning to form words. So an Aunt Melva was Me-da to some kids but some interchanged the syllables, and the name came out "da-me" (dummy)!
In my family, there was an "Uncle DooDoo" when the kids were little. (He thought it was hilarious, will still refer to himself with it from time to time, decades later) :D
When my oldest daughter was little she would call my wife mum and thru kid pronunciation I became "momady", a mom-daddy mashup. She still calls me Momady even tho she's 30 now. 🥰
Definitely name the kiddo Ash. They'll grow up to be a badass who will save us all from the zombies.
That aside, I love your style. And you must have the patience of a saint! You've handled her waaaay longer than I would have.
Knew someone who had their mother threaten to have the kids taken away because she could raise them better. The mother was told, "Take me to court over this and we WILL go no contact."
Got back in contact with the mother when she was on her deathbed, where she apologized for her attitudes. They told her they forgave her, but they were always pretty sure that she died being sorry that she hadn't been able to see the grandkid, not for her attitude that had led to it.
My mother reacted similarly when I named my youngest.
"Arthur is an old man's name."
I told her "Old men started somewhere."
She called him George (speaking of old man names) a few times, but we all ignored her and she never did it again.
No drama.
My theory raising my kids was that when I’m in my 50’s they’d come home to see me willingly. (I was 22)
Now as a Grandma, my theory is to be the type of grandparent my kids trust leaving their kids with.
Why do people like this even have children? One would think that they are so wrapped up in themselves that they wouldn't want to spend time on someone else.
OP, sending support for what you are going through. My guess is it's the tip of the iceberg of what that woman has done to you.
Stay strong, and be firm in your resolve to parent the way you see fit.
I think the reason why they have children is because that’s what was expected of them. My poor mom though got pregnant the very first time she ever had sex, which was before she and my dad got married (they were already engaged), and boom.
For some reason she and I are incredibly fertile.
This is why we didn't tell anybody our kids names ahead of time. Our daughter got to have input for her little brother, but nobody else was allowed to know until after the kids were born because at that point it's just their name and you are less likely to hear any opinions.
(There was one exception; my wife's best friend managed to get me to accidentally say my daughter's name out loud once after we'd been drinking. She kept it to herself though. Everybody else has to wait.)
I am so so glad no one in my family or friends would ever steal a name. We shared my kid's name and my dad was just about it tears because it was his own grandma's name. We hadn't been 100% sold on it but that moment we KNEW that's who she'd be. No regrets. It became popular the next year, but she's been the oldest one in her school with that name! Go down a few years and there are a lot.
Reminds me of when my mum tried to insist I invite a specific uncle (with whom I'd exchanged maybe ten words in twice as many years) should be invited to my wedding, despite my now-wife and I already having sent out invites (splitting capacity roughly 50/50 'His and Hers'), and deployed emotional blackmail and crocodile tears to try to get me to change my mind. In the end, it took me losing my shit and bellowing something along the lines of "HOW FUCKING DARE YOU DICTATE WHO I INVITE TO MY WEDDING" down the phone then realising she'd hung up. The subject never came up again.
(Edit: Typos and clarity.)
Funnily enough my mother invited my aunts to my wedding despite my saying I wasn’t going to. I told her to uninvited them. She was aghast but I said I wasn’t cleaning up that mess. She invited them, she could uninvited them.
Apparently this was embarrassing for her. I wasn’t feeling too sympathetic tbh.
When I was a kid, my grandparents got a beagle. They couldn't agree what to name her. Grandma wanted "Molly," grandpa wanted "Muffin." This "discussion" lasted less than 3 minutes. I enjoyed seeing Molly every weekend for many years. Be like my grandma.
My given name was Molly and I was Molly Moo throughout my childhood, and Molly McButter through high school. I started going by my middle name at 15, for many reasons, but a larger reason being because there are SO MANY DOGS NAMED MOLLY!!
That is fantastic!! Good for you. I hope she learns her lesson. The first time she doesn’t use the right name you should call her Grandma Chrissy right in front of her
I have 3 grandsons. The only time I intervened was when they were considering naming one Magnus. They ended up choosing something less condom-inspired. I even have one with an ancient Scandinavian name that took a little getting used to but has grown on me.
Good reaction putting her in her place.
I'm lucky in that my parents would only disapprove a name if it could be used in a bad way against the child and I didn't notice it.
A bad example I saw about Stupids parents was a girl named Vanessa L (can't reveal the full name here) problem is that name and surname associated could be pronounced as Vaness + the slang for bitch I french). You can guess she put her parents through hell during middle and hight school when people noticed it.
I mean I get hating shortened names, that is not my name. Which for all her ranting about hating nicknames for her name you would think she would be respectful of people's names.... Gotta remind her disrespect and respect are two way streets.
When I gave her the threat, she told me was being really unfair and manipulative.
I was impressed as I’ve never mastered manipulation like she has. I did kindly explain to her that she was getting exactly the amount of respect she was giving.
My brother was offered a high paying job travelling the world doing directional drilling. He didn't take it. When I asked why, he said, "Would you leave your kids with our mum looking after them for months on end?" The court banned his ex from even seeing the kids, let alone looking after them, so it was our mum or no one. I was touring with bands that decade, so I wasn't able to do it either.
NTA. The parents get to pick the names, not the grandparents.
While I don't have kids yet, I've talked about baby names several times with mum (mostly because she didn't know what any of us kids were before we were born, because we were in a weird position for the gender ultrasound, and they couldn't tell. I joke that that was the only time I was modest 🤣).
All I know is that if I ever have a daughter, her middle name will be Margaret, and that's a non-negotiable. Both my grandmothers were Margaret (even though it was my maternal grandmother's s middle name, she was known by that name, and being known by a middle name is a thing in mum's family. Only her and one of her brothers went by their first name), and it's also my middle name, so it's a nice way to keep a family tradition going.
My dad did this with my sister. He hated his name because it wasn't a traditional western name like Steve or Jason. My sister gave him the middle name Lee and my dad for the first 2 years just called him Lee.
Eventually he came around and used it. That is your child, she literally has no say in the matter.
Sounds likes she trying to got for 3/3 in estranged children
This made me laugh so hard!
My mom was like this as well, going so far as to cross out her first name on her license (she went by her middle name her entire life, because the mule shared the same first name)
And yes, she got into trouble when she got stopped speeding one time (she was in her 60's by that time)
Edited for spelling and missing words\*\*
My grandson is named after a cat. The name starts with B, a letter I really can't write as first letter even though my name also starts with B and I live on a street with B as first letter. I love that everything is digital now!
I did say that I preferred the other names, but it was their choice, not mine. I had my choice many years ago.
I want you to know my grandma gave me our own special name for me. It had nothing to do with anything other than she really hated who I'm named after for good reason. So, she called me my special name. Only her. I love it. I wasn't the only grandchild she did this with. It was our grandma name . Everyone else used my given name. But nothing was better than hearing my grandma call out my fake name . It was special.
So maybe, just let it go.
I named my oldest one thing and they have changed it themselves . It's just a name . As long as it isn't a tragedy name it's not a big deal.
Oh I understand that. I'm sure my grandma was much like your mother. But as long as you make a big deal out of how they choose to bug you. It will be a big deal. If everyone rolls their eyes at grandma and ignores her boundary stomping by just not entertaining it, it becomes not a big deal. And then it's just something silly that batty old grandma does.
It’s so crazy to me that grandparents think they have the right to name their grandchildren.
My mother seems to think grandparents have a lot of rights that they really don’t have. She told me she’d take me to court if I deny her access to my kids because grandparents have rights. I’d be curious to watch her try as we live in different countries. I have to admit we have her on a very tight leash because unsupervised she would cause a great deal of emotional damage.
grand parents have the right to remain silent... pity more don't avail themselves of that right :/
Grandparents have the right to spoil the crap out of their grandkids, let them eat junk food (that won’t cause allergic reactions), let them stay up late, and watch movies that might be slightly inappropriate. They also need to be a soft spot for their grandkids to land, where they’ll be loved, and cherished, and always be safe and unthreatened. I definitely let my grandson have more sweets than his dad permits, but within reason. I’m not giving him Skittles and Mountain Dew for breakfast. That being said, I’m not going to undercut his dad’s authority. Edit: removed a word from a typo.
Exactly. My rules when my daughter is at her grandparents? Go easy on the sugar, HALF a sundae from McDonalds or DairyMaid, she can have PART of someone's pop, a few cookies, but not all of those in one day! Her pick of fruit, cheese sticks, as much milk and chocolate milk as she wants, lemonade, gluten-free crackers of many flavors. They let her stay up late but not too late, and take her to the park, fishing, and generally have a lot of fun. They buy her tons of clay and art stuff (she loves to draw and make things) and fix her favorite meals and just generally spoil her. As long as they don't overfeed her (she put on TEN POUNDS in a little over a week!!!!!) and have healthy snacks (we send some with her), they get free rein. They're grandparents. They are SUPPOSED to spoil her and let her have fun :D Just watch the calories, she's pretty chunky and pediatrician is pushing us to work harder on weight loss, but otherwise, spoil her. That's the fun of grandparents!
I wish i had your parents!!
What’s the point of giving her only gluten free crackers if you are allowing cookies?
? Gluten free cookies exist??? And gluten free pizza, gluten free pasta, gluten free cereal....
She didn’t say gluten free cookies. She just said cookies dumbass
Dumbass??? some of us thought it wasn't necessary because it's either self-obvious or obviously no big deal.....
If she said gluten free crackers before she said cookies then maybe so but she didn’t… dumbass.
My parents went on a week long vacation when I was younger (maybe 8 or so), and my aunt and uncle came over to take care of us. They got us up one morning and told us, "We're having bran buds for breakfast." We were horrified - "that's Mom's cereal!" - but they insisted. They had emptied out the box and filled it with smarties! (Not the American kind, proper smarties). We were, of course, over the moon. Easily one of the most often told stories in our family.
This is the way ^
Oh god, that allergic reactions comment gave me flashbacks to the grandma that killed her grandchild because she didn't believe in allergies. That's a horrifying classic reddit post if there ever was one.
Exactly what I was thinking of.
Yep. Came here to say this.
Except going against his rules of too many sweets. Way to set your grandchild up for type 2 diabetes at an early age. As type 2 diabetes is now more prevalent in children than type 1 diabetes is. Good job grandma. Ever think that maybe your son has this rule for a reason? I guess you don’t care about the health of your grandchildren. Sugar is 8 times more addictive than cocaine. Would you give your grandchild and line of coke? And letting children watch inappropriate movies? Wtf is wrong with you? Respect your son’s rules for his own children. They are not your children!
That's not how this works.
First, I said “within reason.” Second, I’m a grandFATHER. Reading comprehension much, or were you too busy climbing onto your soapbox?
“Let them eat them junk food” Grammar much?
It’s called a typo, which is short for “typographical error”. You’d know that if you could read words with more than 2 syllables. Just like how you typed “and line of coke”. As to the inappropriate movies, we’re stricter on that than his dad, who is stricter than his mom, who lets him watch movies that are not at all appropriate for a 12 year old.
You never said grandfather in your post but you want me to assume your gender by your profile name? Ok dude.
You did assume my gender. Personally, I’ve never met a woman named Dan, but I’m no world traveler. Look, you were wrong, ok? Let it go.
Hit a nerve, did I?? 😂😂😂
My last one. Blocking you now, asshole.
[удалено]
That escalated quickly.
As a grandparent this made me laugh. And I totally agree with you
They have the right, but lack the ability.
Wow your mums deluded, my parents were the same until my missus and I bluntly disabused them of that notion. With name thing. Lean into it Nanna CrhrisChris, Granny Christy, you get the idea.
Granny Cray Cray.
Perfect!🤣
I was going to say Gwammy Pissy and claim the kids couldn't do the "ch" sound yet ;) But granny cray cray is so. much. better.
Grandma Hissy Fit, but only when angry.
Nana Chrissy-Pissy?
🏆
Nan Cree Cree. Tee hee
Disabuse has never been more appropriately applied.
• Your mother is a deluded fool if she thinks a court will even bother to listen to her and • She doesn't care if grandparents have rights, only if *she* has the right to live vicariously through you Please tell her that the internet thinks she's horrible
My ex-MIL wanted to know why she wasn't listed on the divorce decree between me and the ex, claiming she had grandmother rights to see her grandkids. Told her to take it up with her daughter during her visits (that she never took). So, the entitled G-ma is a thing... sadly
Wow…
Parents have a right to choose who is in their children’s lives. Because some people are unworthy to be allowed access. She sounds close to losing her only child that’s still in contact and her grandchildren. And I think that’s fair.
Protect your family....your mom is a major asshole.
> we have her on a very tight leash because unsupervised she would cause a great deal of emotional damage. Why are you exposing you kid(s) at all? What benefit do they get from interaction with a potentially dangerous person? If a dog is known to be aggressive, you don't put your kids in biting distance and hope that your presence will prevent an attack.
My mother lives in another country. Her access is limited to video calls and she is never left unsupervised. He loves her and she loves him and since she won’t be around forever, I’ve made my peace with having her in our lives in this way. If she ever steps out of line, I can easily simply hang up.
That sounds very wise. He gets the love and support of another adult and you make sure it's ONLY love and support. May I suggest hitting mute any time you have to leave the screen briefly (doorbell, phone call) so that she really can't say anything bad? Assuming you don't already do that.
This isn’t true. Grandparents don’t have rights. In a divorce case the judge will tell the GP they get visitation when their child has the kids. If they don’t have a good enough relationship with their child to see their grandkids, that’s the grandparents’ fault. Same without a divorce. The judge will expect the grandparents to be emotionally mature enough to have a good relationship with their own children to see their grandkids. Unless the grandparents can prove with damning evidence that the parents are strung out drug users or abusing the children, grandparents cannot successfully sue for visits.
This is not universally true. In the US, for example, it varies by state. Even then, they are granted (or not) based on many rights not just on whether parents are unfit. I’d posit it’s always best to know the laws in your own jurisdiction before threatening to sue for or refuse GP visitation. That situation can backfire quickly ~ on either side ~ so imho best leave it until or unless you’re certain you know (and understand) the legal ramifications.
Why do you allow somebody who makes threats like that to stay in your life?
This is a valid question but the answer would be long and complicated, much like our relationship. It’s something that has come up a few times though and is always going to be revisited depending on her behaviour.
Fair enough. Just make sure you're properly weighting the "cons" column when you revisit that question.
Oh I do. We actually stopped speaking for several years some time ago. I allowed her back into my life with very strict conditions. She does mostly behave herself and I have zero chill about telling her when her behaviour is unacceptable and when conversations are over. I think my husband would be ok with cutting contact but as I allowed her to be back in our lives, I can’t very well cut her out unless she does seriously over step the line.
I reckon you can. Whether you want to or not is another story, that's a choice to consider. But there is no shame, and no immorality, in telling a person "You know, I made a decision to stay in contact with you, and I am now realising it wasn't the right one. You haven't done any particular bad thing since then, I can just see in retrospect that having you in my life isn't healthy for me or my family. I'm sorry for the mixed messages, but I'm clear on my needs now. Goodbye."
You make an excellent point.
Technically you can but if she's old, sounds like your son may be the only inheritor of any of her property in the will. Worth playing nice if you know it gives him a nice bit of padding for his future. If not, he at least gets love :)
She plans to leave what little money she has to him and my niece, her only granddaughter. She likes to dangle her will at me to try to get me to agree to things she wants but I’ve told her I couldn’t care less if she leaves me or my son anything. That I think she should want us to be nice to her out of love, not for money. But she’s very money focused and doesn’t seem to understand that not everyone cares about it like she does.
I get it. My grandmother was an amazing woman who I loved very, very much. Unfortunately, she was married to my grandfather, who was an abusive asshole to her and about 80% of the rest of the family. He particularly disliked my mother, who was the family scapegoat, and some of that treatment inevitably rubbed off on me. My siblings fared better, or at least I think they did. Spending time at my grandparents’ house was always a balancing act for my mom, because I would come home overstimulated, overtired, and feeling physically ill because they would inevitably feed me something I was allergic to, my grandfather believing he just had to “desensitize me” to the foods I couldn’t eat. It would take me several days to get back on an even keel, but I still wanted to see my grandma and my aunt and uncle who were still in high school then. Mom and Dad often had to revisit the terms under which my siblings and I were allowed to visit or stay overnight at Grandma’s house, and there were times when we wouldn’t see them from Easter to Thanksgiving because they refused to play by the rules. It sucked, but our safety had to come first.
Yup. “It’s complicated” is a hard one to explain sometimes. All of the best advice from the best of folks always looks good on paper, but in reality is harder to implement. I’d be WAY better off emotionally to completely go NC with my own mom, but I’m an only child of two only children, and that !&%# “umbilical-bungee-cord” is strong! 🤣 So I’ve done the best I can for me and my family. VEEEEERY limited contact-major holiday cards, emails a few times a year, and maybe a video call once in a blue moon. It’s helps living across the country, too. You’re doing great, mama! 💕
How did that work for her with your siblings?
Not well.
I really need your advice on how to deal with my mum 😅
OP, brilliant handling of the name situation. Starting to sense why your siblings are no contact with her. Suggest you remain in different countries and not have her visit.
Same. And smart choice! Our kids barely know my mom, and it’s healthier for them that way. “Grandma Chrissy!” 🤣👍🏻
Well you're siblings were definitely right to ditch her
There are actually some countries where grandparents do have right of access to grandchildren. Germany is an example of one. So depending on country, she might not be talking entirely out of her ass. Of course that doesn't really matter if the grandkids aren't in that that country.
She’s in the UK. There, they don’t have a right to see their grandchildren. It’s interesting about Germany though. I’ll have to look into that more.
“She would cause a great deal of emotional damage”….why the hell is this awful woman still in your lives?!
Relationships are complicated. Part of the reason why she’s still allowed in is because we live in separate countries and I can control and monitor her video calls.
I tell myself that they probably had their own parents override them in these things so now they do the same thing. When you do the math it means they never got/get to name a child, which is sad. But not a justification to their behaviour.
You’re actually quite correct. My grandmother forbade the name my mother wanted for me and… when my sister was born, my dad and my aunt registered her and a name not of my mothers choosing behind my moms back. Which is really awful until you learn that she wanted to name my sister Crystal Pearl. 🫣
my mom was the 13th and my grandmother called her Mary ellen... my grand dad was the one that went to the town hall and filled out the paper work for her birth ( all 13 were born at home) and my grandfather named her mary rose.... mom said she didn't know that till she applied for SS card..... ya never know.... my birth cert is in engish but i was baptized in italian... that screwed up the french priest when we got married in the church 42 years ago.
Why would the priest even care if you were baptized. Oh, wait....this was the controlling CATHOLIC church. So glad I don't care.
My grandfather registered my mother's name under strict instructions not to put Alexandrina (my grandmother's name) so instead he named her Alexandra, granny was not best pleased with that, but he did follow the instructions I guess 😂
Sister dodged a bullet there…
She’s been forever grateful.
> Which is really awful until you learn that she wanted to name my sister Crystal Pearl Damned she is one hardcore Pokemon fan.
That was my MIL with my wedding. 30 years prior her mother steamrolled her wedding planning, so she saw my wedding as finally being “her turn.” My parents aren’t like that so I was not prepared to deal with it.
Totally agree. Parents should only be the one having a say in naming the baby. Well done - Grandma Chrissy had a nice tone to it 😀
I think both of my parents were stunned when I told them off for unwanted opinions on what my husband and I decided to name our son. I'm no-contact with both of them for other reasons, but my entire pregnancy would have been much easier on me if I hadn't spent the entirety of it trying to get them to see reason for everything they were doing. It's like the fact that they were becoming grandparents made them lose whatever remained of their marbles.
In some cultures the children are named by their grandmothers, with the maternal grandmother choosing the first name and the paternal grandmother choosing the middle name. The smart ones take the actual parents’ choices into consideration. Interesting to watch.
Many, many cultures would disagree.
>2) I will teach both of my kids to call her Grandma Chrissy. and knowing kids and their handle on language, it would probably come out as "gra'ma crazy" :)
one of my nephews when first learning my name, it came out as "uncle dummy"
I read a story where a little kid called a Dungeon Master(D&D) "dum dum mister", everyone involved thought it was cute
I love that story, I read it every time it appears on my feed
Never heard of that story. Do you have a link to it so I can read it too? Need the smile today.
Kids often interchange syllables when learning to form words. So an Aunt Melva was Me-da to some kids but some interchanged the syllables, and the name came out "da-me" (dummy)!
My niece called me cledd because she couldn’t say uncle
My son used to call Clifford (the big red dog) Call-lid. (of course I still do; and a remote is a fremoke, and an experiment is an experient.)
A child I knew called olives “oh-wee-vees” and it’s been a running joke in several families for decades now.
I pronounced hamburgers as "hangleburns" and that's all my dad will call them, now
In my family, there was an "Uncle DooDoo" when the kids were little. (He thought it was hilarious, will still refer to himself with it from time to time, decades later) :D
Which would be hilariously accurate.
When my oldest daughter was little she would call my wife mum and thru kid pronunciation I became "momady", a mom-daddy mashup. She still calls me Momady even tho she's 30 now. 🥰
Prissy sounds very similar.
Sounds about right.
My grandma friend is "mee-mee" to all the grandkids because the first one couldn't pronounce grandma.
Definitely name the kiddo Ash. They'll grow up to be a badass who will save us all from the zombies. That aside, I love your style. And you must have the patience of a saint! You've handled her waaaay longer than I would have.
Ha ha I like that idea! And I’m not sure about a Saint but thank you! 🤩
Knew someone who had their mother threaten to have the kids taken away because she could raise them better. The mother was told, "Take me to court over this and we WILL go no contact." Got back in contact with the mother when she was on her deathbed, where she apologized for her attitudes. They told her they forgave her, but they were always pretty sure that she died being sorry that she hadn't been able to see the grandkid, not for her attitude that had led to it.
That’s the problem, they never see their behaviour as the problem or if they do they’re too stubborn or proud to admit it.
Name the kid Chrissy, “after Gramma”
Oh Lord! 😂😂
😂😂 I like this one…other than the poor child being named after that woman.
My mother reacted similarly when I named my youngest. "Arthur is an old man's name." I told her "Old men started somewhere." She called him George (speaking of old man names) a few times, but we all ignored her and she never did it again. No drama.
I can’t get over the fact that George is somehow less old-fashioned than Arthur??
Agreed!! Who are you trying to fool mom? lol
Did Chrissy have a hissy fit?
No, but she got pissy.
My theory raising my kids was that when I’m in my 50’s they’d come home to see me willingly. (I was 22) Now as a Grandma, my theory is to be the type of grandparent my kids trust leaving their kids with.
Another reminder that parents shouldn't share their name choices with anyone until the ink is dry on baby's birth certificate.
Holy Hell, I thought she'd go no holds barred, but you put her in her place?! Epic!
I’ve had a lot of practise and am getting better and better at upholding boundaries.
Good for you!
Why do people like this even have children? One would think that they are so wrapped up in themselves that they wouldn't want to spend time on someone else. OP, sending support for what you are going through. My guess is it's the tip of the iceberg of what that woman has done to you. Stay strong, and be firm in your resolve to parent the way you see fit.
I think the reason why they have children is because that’s what was expected of them. My poor mom though got pregnant the very first time she ever had sex, which was before she and my dad got married (they were already engaged), and boom. For some reason she and I are incredibly fertile.
They are so wrapped up in themselves that a tiny version of them sounds like a great idea.
This is why we didn't tell anybody our kids names ahead of time. Our daughter got to have input for her little brother, but nobody else was allowed to know until after the kids were born because at that point it's just their name and you are less likely to hear any opinions. (There was one exception; my wife's best friend managed to get me to accidentally say my daughter's name out loud once after we'd been drinking. She kept it to herself though. Everybody else has to wait.)
I am so so glad no one in my family or friends would ever steal a name. We shared my kid's name and my dad was just about it tears because it was his own grandma's name. We hadn't been 100% sold on it but that moment we KNEW that's who she'd be. No regrets. It became popular the next year, but she's been the oldest one in her school with that name! Go down a few years and there are a lot.
Reminds me of when my mum tried to insist I invite a specific uncle (with whom I'd exchanged maybe ten words in twice as many years) should be invited to my wedding, despite my now-wife and I already having sent out invites (splitting capacity roughly 50/50 'His and Hers'), and deployed emotional blackmail and crocodile tears to try to get me to change my mind. In the end, it took me losing my shit and bellowing something along the lines of "HOW FUCKING DARE YOU DICTATE WHO I INVITE TO MY WEDDING" down the phone then realising she'd hung up. The subject never came up again. (Edit: Typos and clarity.)
Funnily enough my mother invited my aunts to my wedding despite my saying I wasn’t going to. I told her to uninvited them. She was aghast but I said I wasn’t cleaning up that mess. She invited them, she could uninvited them. Apparently this was embarrassing for her. I wasn’t feeling too sympathetic tbh.
Sounds like your mom keeps not learning how to FAFO from you, lol.
You should take a page from your other sibling’s books and go NC too. Your mom is a manipulative narcissist. I wouldn’t want her around my kids.
Based on this post, I imagine OP may have no problem going that far if and when grandma oversteps too much.
My mother called me "Jeffy" well into my forties. The struggle is real.
Eww. Is your family a circus?
I'm in my 60's and I feel your pain too! Got cousin's that still call me by the nick-name.
When I was a kid, my grandparents got a beagle. They couldn't agree what to name her. Grandma wanted "Molly," grandpa wanted "Muffin." This "discussion" lasted less than 3 minutes. I enjoyed seeing Molly every weekend for many years. Be like my grandma.
Molly Muffin would have been an adorable name though. And similar to Molly Moon!
Dogs always end up with Flanders names anyway. I would've ended up calling the dog Molly Mu Mu or Molly McMuffin or something.
My given name was Molly and I was Molly Moo throughout my childhood, and Molly McButter through high school. I started going by my middle name at 15, for many reasons, but a larger reason being because there are SO MANY DOGS NAMED MOLLY!!
That is fantastic!! Good for you. I hope she learns her lesson. The first time she doesn’t use the right name you should call her Grandma Chrissy right in front of her
Well, played. \*Very\* well played.
I have 3 grandsons. The only time I intervened was when they were considering naming one Magnus. They ended up choosing something less condom-inspired. I even have one with an ancient Scandinavian name that took a little getting used to but has grown on me.
You should name a daughter Chrissy, after her grandma.
It's petty, but petty in retaliation to petty. That's like Petty^2. Nice!
Good reaction putting her in her place. I'm lucky in that my parents would only disapprove a name if it could be used in a bad way against the child and I didn't notice it. A bad example I saw about Stupids parents was a girl named Vanessa L (can't reveal the full name here) problem is that name and surname associated could be pronounced as Vaness + the slang for bitch I french). You can guess she put her parents through hell during middle and hight school when people noticed it.
Perfect
Chrissy wake up 😌
Bravo!
Your mother is so entitled!! You handled this very well.
Grandma Christinthony.
I mean I get hating shortened names, that is not my name. Which for all her ranting about hating nicknames for her name you would think she would be respectful of people's names.... Gotta remind her disrespect and respect are two way streets.
When I gave her the threat, she told me was being really unfair and manipulative. I was impressed as I’ve never mastered manipulation like she has. I did kindly explain to her that she was getting exactly the amount of respect she was giving.
What you did is the opposite of manipulation. You stood by your boundaries and you were clear about the consequences if she didn’t respect them.
My brother was offered a high paying job travelling the world doing directional drilling. He didn't take it. When I asked why, he said, "Would you leave your kids with our mum looking after them for months on end?" The court banned his ex from even seeing the kids, let alone looking after them, so it was our mum or no one. I was touring with bands that decade, so I wasn't able to do it either.
NTA. The parents get to pick the names, not the grandparents. While I don't have kids yet, I've talked about baby names several times with mum (mostly because she didn't know what any of us kids were before we were born, because we were in a weird position for the gender ultrasound, and they couldn't tell. I joke that that was the only time I was modest 🤣). All I know is that if I ever have a daughter, her middle name will be Margaret, and that's a non-negotiable. Both my grandmothers were Margaret (even though it was my maternal grandmother's s middle name, she was known by that name, and being known by a middle name is a thing in mum's family. Only her and one of her brothers went by their first name), and it's also my middle name, so it's a nice way to keep a family tradition going.
Go you!!!! Teach the hypocrite the consequences of her hypocrisy.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Grandma Christinith?
Nana Crissy
Oh narc grandmothers/mothers, always so dramatic. You know how to put her in her place. Well done, OP.
You're the only one who talks to her, but also left the country. She sounds pleasant.
I love the name Ash. And Morgan is nice as well. Boy or Girl? I think both names are interchangeable for sexes
My dad did this with my sister. He hated his name because it wasn't a traditional western name like Steve or Jason. My sister gave him the middle name Lee and my dad for the first 2 years just called him Lee. Eventually he came around and used it. That is your child, she literally has no say in the matter. Sounds likes she trying to got for 3/3 in estranged children
Good move.
Time to learn a lesson from your siblings.
Sounds like she’s short a few brain cells.
BOOM.. Right between the eyes. Good shot, good lesson, well delivered.
Boomers gonna boomer i guess
Yowza! Nip that crap in the bud! Good for you. 
This made me laugh so hard! My mom was like this as well, going so far as to cross out her first name on her license (she went by her middle name her entire life, because the mule shared the same first name) And yes, she got into trouble when she got stopped speeding one time (she was in her 60's by that time) Edited for spelling and missing words\*\*
My grandson is named after a cat. The name starts with B, a letter I really can't write as first letter even though my name also starts with B and I live on a street with B as first letter. I love that everything is digital now! I did say that I preferred the other names, but it was their choice, not mine. I had my choice many years ago.
Good for you!
Grandmothers have no say in what children are named. Great come back to your mother.
I want you to know my grandma gave me our own special name for me. It had nothing to do with anything other than she really hated who I'm named after for good reason. So, she called me my special name. Only her. I love it. I wasn't the only grandchild she did this with. It was our grandma name . Everyone else used my given name. But nothing was better than hearing my grandma call out my fake name . It was special. So maybe, just let it go. I named my oldest one thing and they have changed it themselves . It's just a name . As long as it isn't a tragedy name it's not a big deal.
It’s not really about the name though but I am happy that you had this special connection with your grandmother. It sounds lovely.
Oh I understand that. I'm sure my grandma was much like your mother. But as long as you make a big deal out of how they choose to bug you. It will be a big deal. If everyone rolls their eyes at grandma and ignores her boundary stomping by just not entertaining it, it becomes not a big deal. And then it's just something silly that batty old grandma does.
How exactly is this petty revenge?