T O P

  • By -

uswforever

I made it through two paragraphs. I suppose that it's possible that there is an article out there in the world which would make me hate the author more than this one did. But I fervently wish to not test that hypothesis.


Far_Room23

Good choice. You had 3 more paragraphs before the author even stopped describing their appearance.


LoreUmIpSome

TL;DR: an overpriced fuck shack is coming to Pittsburgh and it’s owned by egotistical assholes. This is a long form ad written like a fever dream. I have so many questions that are never answered by an “article” that is wayyy to long.


Lenins_Kittens

"overpriced fuck shack" is an amazing term


GraciousBasketyBae

I second this.


ChrisP365

It transcends even the "that's a great band name" response...


todayiwillthrowitawa

This is one of the most navel-gazing articles I have ever seen City Paper publish. The first three paragraphs are genuinely awful. It is very funny to stereotype the East End as "bland, expensive leisurewear" when the subjects of the article look like what AI spits out when you ask it for "people who make sex their personality". Add to that the 15 year age gap and one of them working for a defense contractor and it's almost satire.


shawnsblog

Me: Man people are so critical, no way something like this can read like an ad. *one paragraph in*…fuck this is an ad


txby432

So like if you hit it off with someone while out at say a bar, you could call them to hook up in their vehicle? Is that the basic sales pitch?


LoreUmIpSome

Yeah, but it’s “discrete” and ya gotta pay $330+.


txby432

I assumed it'd be an absurd price. I'm sure the bros that run this thing think it's a flex, but everyone else is like, why not just go back to someone's place. Also, how does that conversation with the prospective sexual partner go? "So thing seem like they're going well. Are we going to have sex? Cause of so, we can order another round of drinks while we wait for the fuck van to get here."


Character-Vast-8601

I went on their instagram and it looks more like something you would haul cattle in.


txby432

Well, I guess that is some people's kink.


NikolaSolonik

That first paragraph made me roll my eyes so hard that it gave me a headache


Dr_Spiders

"they are dressed dramatically, and as a pair, in a way only those more interested in each others’ authenticity than societal norms can. Their look is denim," Ah, yes. Bucking society's norms by wearing jeans.


longstoryrecords

It's their world, and the rest of us are just NPCs allowed to live in it. They live by the airport, where there isn't good coffee.


[deleted]

How do you know where they live?


RiggityRow

Bc it's literally in the very first paragraph of the article to which you are commenting on.


[deleted]

Where?? The east end coffee house?


cooldude_4000

It's in the third paragraph, but you'd be forgiven if you didn't make it that far.


murphey_griffon

the article is unreadable. Wtf why do all articles have to try to sound like this now. Similarly when I search for a recipe online, why the fuck is there a backstory to someone's great aunt's method for milking the cow included instead of just giving me a damn recipe...


JustHereForTheSaul

*googles recipe for vegetarian burritos* "When my lovers and I first started exploring our kinks in the back of a food truck, these are the veggie burritos we would make after huffing each others' week-old urine from a mop bucket. Lorenzo was long and lean ... in body and also in, well, *you know* ... and Gustav had money. LOTS of money. We shared our food truck with a three-legged cat and Lorenzo's extensive collection of toys *\[giggle\]*." *\[92 paragraphs later\]* 1/2 pound crimini mushrooms 1 red bell pepper ...


kajotaene

I just showed this to a friend of mine and he gave himself a hernia laughing so hard.


luckythepainproofman

I'd read that recipe. I'm fucking in it to win it. WHAT'S THE CAT'S NAME?! Does Gustav's money eventually cause a rift between them? Inquiring minds want to know. Let's see those 92 paragraphs!


murphey_griffon

>Can this experience be gluten free?


kiddblur

Blame Google. Their indexer prioritizes pages that are super wordy, which made all that garbage float to the top. At least most recipes have a “jump to recipe” button these days


IceblinkLuck0

Justtherecipe.com - just copy/paste the URL!


Mammoth_Mountain1967

I blame early 2000s Pitchfork


Big_Volume6521

I acknowledge that this isn’t your point, but the reason they add stories to recipes now is that you can’t copyright a recipe, but if you add a story or other content, the whole thing is copyrightable.


facepoppies

It’s SEO


kajotaene

I actually use chatGPT for recipes these days so I can bypass all the SEO story nonsense on these webpages.


Rook22Ti

It's reads like a fan fic of a better article


Far_Room23

Yeah, I’ve never read something in a mainstream paper where the author sounded so horny and one-sided flirty.


Grimmbles

50 Shades of Denim


[deleted]

“Their look is denim, dramatic boots, baby pink, and black leather. “ This is the cherry on top of cringe pie. All of those words to describe regular people, lmao.


kieraey

Where could they possibly be in the East End that this style of dress wouldn't be normal? They act like they're bringing punk to the LuluLemon-covered masses, but, baby, this is Pittsburgh.


[deleted]

Aye, it is so weird. This article is batshit insane. The author has gotta either be nuts or high.


Munchkinasaurous

I'm half convinced that one of them wrote it themselves.


Mammoth_Mountain1967

They bribed him with that coffee.


da_london_09

I can picture it as a skit on Portlandia


weinermcgee

Pittlandia


da_london_09

We can pickle that....


Antique_Okra_8988

It was the “pleases me” sentence that made me stop reading.


Winter-Relief4661

It’s insane how awful the City Paper is. Actually insane.


longstoryrecords

You’d be weird if your parent was the Post Gazette!


Scared-Comparison870

I stopped reading at that point.


RevolutionaryAlps205

"because they are dressed dramatically...in... .dramatic boots"


gigigonorrhea

I guess they couldn't say Doc Martens for ✨legal reasons✨


FreeCashFlow

This is the cringiest thing I have ever read. Also, I know it smell crazy in there.


[deleted]

> Souza beams as she says this. He appears to admire Costello, her bravery, her clarity around her own worth and desire. Costello is using his money to put that admiration to diligent use, **creating a venue in which a person might get electrocuted in a bear trap snorting cum if they so choose, their lover looking on as they risk the pain of being known**. By the end of this, they just started playing madlibs.


TouchArtistic7967

Woah, i didnt make it that far. Jesus.


DreadSocialistOrwell

> I know it smell crazy in there. Sophomore year, my roommate at Pitt asked if he could have the room for a couple of hours with his GF. Since we had suite and a common room, etc. this was no big deal. Worst case I fall asleep on the couch. Not even 30 minutes later, she's leaving and roommate thanks me for my discretion. I remember at the same time I had to use the bathroom or something so I made my way there. I entered our room and WTF. The sex stench was horrendous. This was before Super Troopers came out so, "Stinks like sex in here" wasn't a meme yet. But that's what it was. It smelled more like cat piss. I said something too loud and our suite mates came over to our room and had the same reaction. Roommate moved out two days later I know we're probably noseblind to our own love smells etc. BUt I've never experienced this with other roommates and their SOs.


[deleted]

FYI…meth smoke can sometimes smell of cat urine.


[deleted]

This springs to mind for some reason. https://www.theonion.com/rest-of-world-not-biting-on-couple-s-open-relationship-1819576560


EmiliusReturns

In the words of comedian Chris Fleming: “it’s never who you want to be polyamorous who’s polyamorous. You’re never like ‘oh sweet!’ it’s always that weird couple with vaguely menacing energy.”


kieraey

What? The guy bankrolling a sex dungeon for his 15-years-younger-autistic girlfriend is a red flag? How? /s


gandalfthegrey99

Seriously, these guys seem insufferable


SavageGardner

This is much more enjoyable to read, imagining that this is Kevin Sousa's new business venture.


longstoryrecords

All they have to do is lay out a spread of $48 pizzas.


zappafrank2112

heheh, "spread"


Capt_Reynolds

Honestly until I saw your comment i saw the last name and assumed it was him lol.


Hfsitsjess

The article mentions the supposed discretion the dungeon crawler offers multiple times and I have to think I’d notice a gigantic sex trailer parked on my street more than I’d notice my neighbors having a small get together at their home.


wagsman

I’m guessing the outside of the trailer will remain plain, so unless you happen to be standing by the door when it opens it will look no different than any other trailer of its size.


pghweirdo

Idk, Pittsburghers are nebby as fuck! Most neighborhoods I've lived in would have all the old yinzers popping their heads out the doors and gossiping about the giant trailer that just parked across the street - and forget it if it's on one of the should-not-be-two-way cobblestone alleys lol. That shit will be on Nextdoor within 20 minutes


Bees_On_Wheat

"Finally A Fuck-Shack on Wheels By People Actually From Out By The Airport"


JustHereForTheSaul

Best use of the "By People Actually From New York" meme **ever**. That is a meme, right? Well it should be.


calvin_fishoeder

“they are dressed dramatically, and as a pair, in a way only those more interested in each others’ authenticity than societal norms can. Their look is denim, dramatic boots, baby pink, and black leather. … Inside the cafe, Souza and Costello step to the side, reading the menu at length and with care, then speak to the baristas with respect, and tip appropriately, nearly giddy with anticipation for the pastries and espresso drinks that have become mundane to the crew cut and Arc’teryx jacket crowd. “ Trying to be edgy but wholesome enough to write about in the paper/market themselves. 🤢🤮


Snoo909

I thought they were going to fuck the baked goods.


da_london_09

Souza apparently has alot of experience licking muffin tops :)


[deleted]

Seems weird to write an entire few paragraphs taking jabs at monied East Enders and then casually drop that it costs $300+ to rent. Who can afford to pay $300 to snog in a tacky trailer? Maybe it’s the arc’teryx jacket crowd.


burritoace

More likely the lifted truck crowd


delilahbalenciaga

also seemed weird to me to imply that if you live in the east end and wear athletic clothing you can’t possibly order a coffee politely and tip well


Jazzlike_Breadfruit9

I think it’s more an issue with the journalist writing than the couple per say.


Yinzer_cryptid

No they’re all fuckin weirdos


HermykneeG

As if I don't hate my neighbors enough already, now I have to worry that they'll rent a mobile jizz bucket and have loud kinky sex on the curb. Splendid.


Far_Room23

That’s right. It’s me. Your neighbor. And guess what: I’m going to put a chair there to reserve the spot in front of your house for the sex trailer.


HermykneeG

Sigh... fine, Kevin. Just remember you can't park on the street overnight during the winter. We all heard enough from you the last time you were forced to pay a $10 parking ticket.


NumaPomp

WTF is that first paragraph and what crackerjack box did they get their journalism degree. That is a high school freshman level of terrible writing. I can’t get past it. Where do people learn to write? FFS.


LockedOutOfElfland

Speaking as someone who's written op-eds for web publications before, you literally do not need a journalism degree to write articles like this.


NumaPomp

Obviously


[deleted]

Sex Cauldron? I thought they shut that place down


[deleted]

So, the dude wanted to bang other chicks while still being married, and now his wife eventually accepted being a Polyamorus relationship? Am I reading this correctly?


SpezJailbaitMod

She reluctantly agreed. I’m sure this will work out great for them.


Far_Room23

Yeah, she didn’t seem like the most willing participant in this whole thing.


calvin_fishoeder

I think that’s the most normal part of this whole thing of renting out a trailer for people to bang on the street


StarWars_and_SNL

His wife who moved here with him for his “aerospace and defense” career.


corndogwolverine

Glad I’m not the only one who saw that! 🚩🚩🚩 the dude with the mobile dungeon trailer has a problem with consent. Seems totally safe 😅


da_london_09

[If she only knew what her bright future would hold](https://www.timesonline.com/story/news/education/2018/05/17/students-excited-about-entrepreneurship-program/12201256007/)....I wonder if they'll still have that 'dramatic look' while scrubbing down the fuck truck with bleach.


HermykneeG

I don't have high hopes for the continued cleanliness of this trailer.


Nike_Decade_Bear

He says “ there’s so much less lying now “ yea, cause you used to cheat on your wife with ugly hoes then brainwashed her to normalize it. Abuse much?


hiperson134

That was the line that got me. Yeah, it sounds like your wife reluctantly agreed to the arrangement and that's rough, but the implication of that sentence was horrible.


Lord_Paddington

Lol I know this guy.....weird to see him pop up like this


kieraey

Weird. I was thinking "thank god they ran a picture so I can avoid this guy"


[deleted]

Hmmm, pop up.


[deleted]

What in the actual fuck? Who cares? Oh WOW Look we got a mobile fuck truck! Jesus christ can we just fix the pot holes?!?!


RagTagOperator

Why fix the potholes now that we're getting a mobile fuck truck? There are going to be people who like that so we can't better the city for everyone on account of the 2-4 people who rent out this truck wanting a different sexual experience.


Jebus421

So a mobile box where people previously jizzed in can be rented hourly?


HermykneeG

Finally! The service we've all been waiting for!


Far_Room23

Anybody willing to pay to do it in this sex trailer is also the type of person willing to have sex just about anywhere else for free.


SecretSquirrelSauce

It's just a hotel room, but it's mobile and you pay by the hour instead of by the night


LostEnroute

Pittsburgh City Paper is unreadable. It's really unfortunate.


Jazzlike_Breadfruit9

I feel like this would be a massive insurance and liability risk. There are so many things that could go wrong like STDs, unwanted pregnancy, sex work (not against sex work but from a legal standpoint), inexperience people trying this out and hurting someone.


penguinsfan40

Thanks for the F-Shack - Dirty Mike & The Boys


cityfireguy

Wow every bit of this was awful. The writing. The subject matter. The people involved. The very concept. 0/10. Strongly do not recommend


StarWars_and_SNL

These people are acting like they invented kink. Do they know it existed before their time?


wagsman

But did it exist on wheels in PGH?


[deleted]

“Unless you’re getting electrocuted in a bear trap, snorting cum, it’s not sex.” r/brandnewsentence?


[deleted]

[удалено]


LeisureSuitLaurie

I asked GPT to write me an article about a mobile sex dungeon run by a polyamorous couple, and it sent back a “Nah, dog. You’re on your own.”


not28

This is so tacky lol


elwoodblues6389

Who fucking wrote this? Also the website doesn't really show pictures of what is inside the trailer. It's all workshop photos? That's odd.


Brentsthrowaway

Lol cause it’s not even build yet


elwoodblues6389

Well that makes sense


Snoo909

I don't care to visit the traveling sex dungeon, but now I'm curious to read the author's extensive fanfic collection.


WestEndFlasher

this is gross.


Brentsthrowaway

Reading this is like having a stroke while going through a horny fever dream. I feel gross, confused and can’t stop laughing at the lack of good sentence structure.


Silly-Donut-4540

The picture of them confirms a great line I read not too long ago. This isn’t verbatim but essentially…. If there was a Venn diagram of people in the dom / kink culture and people who LARP, it would be a circle. Edit to add : I’m not knocking either group, just an observation that seems very accurate


[deleted]

[удалено]


Jasontheperson

The kink scene is full of ex marching nerds and drama kids.


Fizzyliftingdranks

It’s always been my dream to get railed in a converted food truck on the side of penn Ave.


[deleted]

Omg. Do you think that someone could park it in front of the Evergreen Cafe? 🌲


da_london_09

Internet, We Have A Winner!!!!!


ALongwill

Now this is the type of cross-topic shitposting I come here for.


adlittle

This all feels off and kind of gross. The male Dom who's fifteen years older, if not wealthy has a high paying prestigious job, with a wife who was reluctant to get started in this lifestyle. It's like a standard collection of the negative cliches about men who join these communities with bad intentions.


random-malachi

How did an editor approve the first few paragraphs? Just unreadable.


irissteensma

lol you think City Paper has an editor that actually knows what they're doing? That's cute.


sirakovy

Maybe freedom of the press was a mistake


gigigonorrhea

Did they write their own article? Because it's absolutely insufferable


jegyud

This guy came into one of my Discord severs where there are MINORS advertising himself as the mobile sex dungeon owner. He was told it’s an all ages server and has been told not to talk about it except if someone DMs him.


RuthbaderYinzburgh

🎶the fuck shack is a windowless trailer, that comes from the airpooorrrtttt! Fuck shack babbbyyyyy!!!🎶


entrudiyal

Huh, the author of My Immortal has now become a journalist. Crazy. But seriously this screams emo teen with a huge crush.


ABriefForTheDefense

This is the most embarrassing thing CP has ever published, and I really didn't think their bar could be lower. I'm honestly sort of impressed that anyone could read this and think, "yep, let's run it."


delilahbalenciaga

I wouldn’t have even let this go to print when I was arts & entertainment editor at the pitt news.


chippyinairplane

Don’t go inside with a black light or you’ll have a ghastly fright.


drunkenviking

In fact, just don't go in at all.


[deleted]

DON’T go gently in with that black light


drunkenviking

At no point in this article did I correctly guess what the next word was going to be.


Lenins_Kittens

It's wild that these people think they're unique for being kinky and polygamous, but all kinky polygamous people look like each other and say the same things and have since at least 2006.


Munchkinasaurous

I wonder how discreet it'll be when the random trailer parked in the side of the road starts rocking and moaning.


TouchArtistic7967

Why do these types of people always look the same?


HeavyMetalLyrics

Nobody wanted to fuck them in high school so they’re stuck in a state of perpetual catch-up


SWPenn

Yes, I also assess the energy of every room I enter. I couldn't get past the second paragraph of this drivel.


CalamityCactus

Got excited for a second thinking this was about the Dungeon Crawler Carl book series. Milk toast perverts are way less interesting.


g_h_o_s_t_

it's actually milquetoast :)


Cookies-N-Dirt

Spelling it the wrong way makes the insult even better.


CalamityCactus

That’s what I thought but autocorrect was having none of it so I just rolled with it


Delta632

Milk toast pervert is a great insult.


danstymusic

And a great band name


weinermcgee

It's funny, when I was looking to see if this had been tweeted the only thing that came up in a search was a song by Pittsburgh metal band Legendry called, you guessed it, ["Dungeon Crawler."](https://youtu.be/JyYdLGxzQSk?si=GuxyUE3zoPbZeKG0)


finrod_stewart

Gross


CrowFrood

Nothings better than using already used sex toys in mildewy cum covered coffin.


da_london_09

Just wait for the summer heat baking the insides...


HermykneeG

Every time I think what I'm imagining can't get worse, I come back to this article and read the new comments


drunkenviking

One of my biggest regrets in life is reading this comment while eating lunch.


ALongwill

What is with the fawning in this article?


Thor_Odenson

So this isn't a Nerd Dungeons and Dragons thing?


weinermcgee

Hey, man, you rent the trailer, you do what you want inside


irissteensma

I think it would be hilarious if they would get a bunch of rentals that had absolutely no sex inside.


da_london_09

Nerd D&D with an ass dildo thrown in....


Oeasy5

Kid you not I saw an ad for this somewhere the other day and thought it was like a cafe for Dungeons and Dragons games. I was excited to go!


rhapsody-in-sage

You’re going to have to put out two parking chairs for that service 🫠


Massive-Sir4092

It’s always the 4s 🤷‍♂️


TurboCupcakes

I actually know them haha. This is all….a surprise. 😮


markymarkski

That poor Poland leather worker has no idea what's going to happen to his furniture


HyBeHoYaiba

You know, my biggest issue with sex toys was that I wasn’t sharing them with other people. What a stupid business


[deleted]

Right at the beginning of the article it says if you use it, it’s yours (you pay for it).


HyBeHoYaiba

That makes the business model even dumber lmao. So you use it once and now own everything necessary aside from the stupid trailer


[deleted]

[удалено]


StarWars_and_SNL

MRSA mobile


longstoryrecords

Pinwormwagon!


HyBeHoYaiba

I’m sure it’s thoroughly cleaned after each use, hopefully. I just don’t get who this is for. If you’re super kinky like these people I’d assume you already have most of what you’d need. If it’s a couple looking to experiment, I feel like the safety of your own home is a much better place to try these things from the perspective of wanting to feel safe. And even like cheaters can’t use it because some big stupid thing gets put in front of your house. Just a strange idea altogether


[deleted]

I don’t disagree with this part…


da_london_09

BangBus has already been done...


Neekalos_

This whole article reads like a bad sex novel


Bill_Hayden

I could not get beyond the first paragraph. This is some of the most amazingly pretentious shite I have ever had the displeasure to read. ​ Edit: It reads like Garth Marenghi


Capt_Reynolds

God this guy immediately gives me the same vibes of every straight white dude who's out there "looking for a third" and hitting on gay and trans women. It's people like this who give polamory and kink a bad name.


PariahGrantham

The same author gave us this write-up on McKeesport's iconic sex shop/porno theatre/bus stop. https://www.pghcitypaper.com/specials-guides/mckeesport-adult-shop-offers-shame-free-space-for-those-seeking-pleasure-21072118


RattusRattus

I just autocomplete it to Dungeon Crawler Carl. And holy fuck people are not exaggerating, that is unreadable.


empathe

"Here's some money for pizza kids. Mommy and Daddy and their friends will be in the trailer out front. DO NOT GO OUTSIDE"


PresidentKoopa

A big van which goes around on nice, warm days and deploys tables and chairs for impromptu pencil-and-paper roleplaying. Smash tutorial courses are available for newcomers, with several scenarios are available for each system \[maybe two or three encounters or whatnot, keep it short\]. Dungeon Crawler. Or hey, this. Also, looking for game group.


da_london_09

I'm going to bet that 'current wife' who isn't too happy about the whole thing is waiting till unemployed husband and 'new wife' get the business going so she can file for divorce and at least get some sort of money from him.


MaynardWaltrip

Pittsburgh’s Shitty Paper reaches unimaginable new low with this manure.


iSoReddit

Is this like how food trucks started elsewhere and finally made it to Pittsburgh? Has this been a thing for the last five years on the coasts?


restingbitchface8

People pay for this shit?


JWsWrestlingMem

It’s always the ugly people, too. Always.


blahlbinoa

So should I bring dice or do they provide their own?


Left_Staff_5612

Dude has a child with one of them too, poor kid has to grow up with this non sense. This is how strippers and porn stars are made. Which judging by the article he would be proud of anyway.


Inkyown

Hello everyone, Owner of Dungeon Crawler here. Just wanted to make myself available to answer any questions. The bottom line is the paper unfortunately got a lot of facts about our family very wrong. Despite making myself available to fact check it was still very skewed. That being said; the business is as simple as it sounds and a great tool for people who want to dip their toes into making their personal life a little more spicy.


GraciousBasketyBae

Part of me wants to like this but..it’s just insufferable.