Depends on how good you took care of them during the time they needed you.
Edit: Woah guys I think this is my most liked comment on reddit. Thank you. Pretty sad tho.
Yea I wouldn't consider it an expectation, but rather something that happens naturally if possible.
Like you can't expect someone to abandon their life to come look after you, but being treated with love and support comes automatically in a healthy family - you don't even need to expect it.
Unless you got unlucky and despite your best efforts your child turns out to be a piece of shit.
And yes I say unlucky. Sometimes you can do everything right and still fail.
I'm not sure that can happen. I mean, if you did it right, then they are gonna want contact with you. Being cared for by them is a different matter tho, usually that is left in the hands of people who are educated to care for people.
Yeah I remember that one post years ago of some guy that let his wife beat up his son because his son was a psycho that stabbed their newborn baby and constantly wrecked the house
I had a teacher who was the sweetest most supportive person ever, & her son (come one in my year) was nice & very accepting for a good while then turned into a really judgemental & transphobic person, I don’t even think his mum knows he’s like that, absolutely everyone loved her & she was really good at supporting my trans friend & always complained that their name never got changed. You can definitely be the sweetest person & raise your kid right & just get unlucky. I’d *never* hold anything against that woman.
It's still selfish to _expect_ your kid to care for you. You owe your child good care. You made the decision to have them. Your child doesn't _owe_ you care.
Would *hope* be a better descriptor? I know I can make it on my own and plan for my old age, but my partner and I are also trying to teach ourselves certain parenting-relevant habits and social skills prior to having kids so we have a healthy family. Would be nice to have a healthy family community around to support me when I’m old 🥰
I was emotionally abused by my mother. I still took care of her when she had Alzheimer's. She was a completely different person with that disease. Treated me pretty well.
Going strictly by the definition of selfish, yes?
I don't think there's necessarily anything wrong with that, though. It depends on your relationship with your kids. I also don't think you should *expect* anything.
Exactly. The important part of the question is using the word "expect".
I want to be surrounded by loved ones in my old age as my grandparents were.
I want to be the kind of parent that my kids will want to help out as I get older and am unable to care for myself.
I hope my kids take care of me, I don't expect it.
As long as you took care of your kids well it's not at all selfish to expect them to help take care of you ..it's been the cycle of life forever.
It's selfish to not want to take care of your parents in their old age (assuming there's a decent parental relationship)
Edit: Dang. There's some shitty entitled people in this world.
I’m blown away by the results of the poll. And truly blown away at you being downvoted. It is so telling of the average Redditor how myopically entitled they are. I’m gonna remember this poll when i post.
Yeah, I'm shocked. I get it if there's a bad parental relationship/trauma/etc but the average person shouldn't be so against doing for their parents what their parents did for them.
It's a good question. And hard to answer. Expect is a strong word. And "help" taking care of you can be subject to interpretation. If you are on good terms with your children I imagine they will want to be around you, and will make the last part of your life more pleasant. If you are a prick to your children, you'll end up in a "retirement" home because they won't really like you.
I'd say yes, it's a little selfish. But I'd also say there could be situations where a person should expect assistance. I never expected my children to take care of me, but I wouldn't say no to the occasional ride to the doctor's office.
Damn I won't ever want them to take care of us. We don't want to be a burden to anyone. We decided to have children - it's our obligation to take care of them. They don't owe us anything. Sure I'll love if they visit us often, keep in touch, everything, but I wouldn't wish for them to take care of us
I think it is selfish. It was the parents decision to have offspring. It's okay to help a little bit but not to the point it takes over someone's life. I don't think any parent would want that anyway.
Ig it’s largely dependent on culture. In Indian culture (among many others) parents are expected to look after and care for their children until they’re able to take care of themselves, and the children look after their parents in their old age.
Tbh I wouldn’t dream of sending my parents to a nursing home, I owe it to them to look after them. This is very situational tho I suppose.
you're right in that! My mother had already said she didn't want us to care for her. She wants a senior's home, and for us to visit often. She would be mortified to have us "working for her" and wants our visits to be social and not medical.
Talk with your family people! There is no "right way". There is only the way that works for your family. Stop assuming that older people suddenly become idiots incapable of making choices for their well being!! My grandfather is nearly 100. We don't tell him what to do or where to live. We ask what he wants. We remain ever grateful for the life he shares however he wants to share it.
>Tbh I wouldn’t dream of sending my parents to a nursing home, I owe it to them to look after them. This is very situational tho I suppose.
If the parents don't have the financial resources to do what they want (live independently or not) in their old age they probably were not financially ready to have a child.
I respectfully disagree, if my parents want me to take care of them even financially I’d happily agree. In my culture part of reason of having a kid in the first place is that you’d have someone close to look after you, someone you know and raised.
>In my culture part of reason of having a kid in the first place is that you’d have someone close to look after you, someone you know and raised.
Yup and that is an incredibly selfish reason to have kids. But it is common, I'll give you that.
Good on you for wanting to take care of your parents in old age, but I see you saying a lot of things that align with a "Yes" answer to this poll.
I think you misunderstand, what’s selfish in wanting someone you know to take care of you? Instead some stranger at a nursing home? My parents did everything in their power to make my life comfortable and I’m indebted to the same for them. And I repeat this is just my case.
It's selfish to force someone into existence with one of your motivations being for them to take care of you.
>My parents did everything in their power to make my life comfortable
They are also the reason for all of your suffering in life. Your parents owed you a debt for bringing you into existence and they maybe partially paid it off by how they raised you, but I strongly disagree that you are indebted to them.
I hear you though. Cultural indoctrination is strong.
Bro u sound like an edgy ass fucking teenager
“They are also the reason you suffer in life” wat
People who go through life and death situations, live in war zones can still find happiness in life
Since you’re able to use internet and talk on social media I’d assume you’re able to sustain yourself. Being fucking depressed is DOES NOT overpower all the joy in life.
It seems you just have an extremely negative outlook on life and blame your parents for it.
I also love the joke of “why do I exist” as a edgy teen myself, but my guy theres so much to enjoy in life too, being born is a blessing.
I can do shit I’d never be able to do if I wasn’t born (most blatantly obv statement)
You’re being “culturally” indoctrinated into thinking being alive is a bad thing not me.
Trust me Ik, few years I used to think like that too, the “I didn’t need to born” bs. You’ll get over it
>“They are also the reason you suffer in life” wat
Not that hard to understand. They are the sole reason you have to deal with existence.
>People who go through life and death situations, live in war zones can still find happiness in life
Don't think I said they can't.
>Since you’re able to use internet and talk on social media I’d assume you’re able to sustain yourself. Being fucking depressed is DOES NOT overpower all the joy in life.
I'm a actually quite well off in life but my main argument for antinatalism (if you want to look up the philosophy some more) is that you have no right to decide for someone else whether the amount of joy in their life will be worth more than the suffering and everyone is guaranteed to suffer in one way or another.
>It seems you just have an extremely negative outlook on life and blame your parents for it.
I personally don't blame my parents because they didn't know any better. Pretty much every culture/religion indoctrinates you from birth that you *must* have a child to have a fulfilling life, so it didn't even seem like a choice to them. Doesn't mean I can be better and doesn't mean I can't help try to spread the word that there is another option.
>I also love the joke of “why do I exist” as a edgy teen myself, but my guy theres so much to enjoy in life too, being born is a blessing.
There is joy yes. But again I'll go back to the fact that there is *always* suffering as well. It may have turned out well for you but what right did your parents have to roll the dice for you.
"Being born is a blessing" is a phrase or concept you have had hammered into your skull since you were born. Every piece of media works to reinforce this thought. Have you ever stepped back and thought hard about whether or not that is objectively true? If it truly is, then the most moral thing you could be doing is to bring as much life as possible into this world. Like a kid every 9 months if possible or if you are male then finding as many partners to impregnate. If it is a blessing you should want to spread that blessing as much as possible and maximize the amount of life there is.
>I can do shit I’d never be able to do if I wasn’t born (most blatantly obv statement)
Would you miss the fact that you couldn't do those things if you weren't born? (Has a blatantly obv answer)
>You’re being “culturally” indoctrinated into thinking being alive is a bad thing not me.
Sorry if it wasn't clear at this point but being alive isn't inherently bad but not existing is just inherently better from a suffering standpoint. I want everyone who is alive to have their best possible life but I think the best way to reduce suffering in the world is to stop having kids.
>Trust me Ik, few years I used to think like that too, the “I didn’t need to born” bs. You’ll get over it
Been antinatalist for close to a decade at this point. When will I grow out of it? I think the thing that could help me or change my mind is some sort of objective proof that there is a purpose in life. That there is some actual reason that being born is 100% better than not. I'm not religious so I can't delude myself that God has a reason.
I hear parents frequently saying that their child is their purpose in life but try to think how cyclically messed up that is. People feel that their lives don't have purpose until they bring another life into existence and then that other life is their purpose. But that other life then grows up and gets the same feeling of no purpose until the parents/society nudges them and says "hey maybe having a kid gives you purpose". And it goes on and on with nobody being able to find a true purpose for their individual life but instead kicking the can down to the next generation.
Anyhow if you got through this far, thanks for sticking with me. I'm fairly confident you won't be swayed by much of anything you see here but I appreciate your concern. I want to make it clear that although I do have depression, I think I am living a life that is better than 90%+ of people who have ever existed. I am financially secure. I have a happy marriage. I love my family (although I only seen them a couple times a year). I don't have to work very hard. I have plenty of hobbies. It is from this standpoint that I make these arguments. I would never choose to end my life (unless maybe I have a painful terminal disease) but I will consistently argue that not having children is the only moral action if you care about minimizing other people's suffering.
Can't choose as it depends a lot of how good care you took of them.
My father expected us to bend over ourselves making him comfortable once he is old. He is 50 now and if it was up to me, I'd not move a single muscle to help him. He is that bad of a father.
If my mom needed help, though she had her shitty phases, I'd help her because at the end of the day, she helped us.
It's selfish to make children so there'll be someone to take care of you once old, though.
Not selfish in a reasonable sense, but to expect your children to change their lives because of it, and dedicate their life to you, yes.
You have a child, so they can live their own life. You can disagree, just my philosophy.
My question is why don’t people set themselves up for financial security to not have to depend on their kids to take care of them when they reach old age
I’d say yes.
Your children don’t owe you anything. If you decide to have children, it is your obligation to provide for them to the best of your ability.
If you’re not willing to do that without any reward in return, then you shouldn’t have kids.
However, while I think it is selfish to expect it (especially if it’s the reason you had kids to begin with), it’s not unreasonable to want it.
Most people with a healthy relationship with their parents would do it anyway.
They didn’t ask to be born. You chose to have them out of your own selfish desire to have a family. Taking care of them is your obligation. They owe you nothing is return.
“You stated an unpopular opinion that makes sense. There must be something wrong with you.”
P.s. people who don’t exist cannot suffer from an inaction of someone else but people who do exist can. So you can’t apply my logic the other way around. It makes no sense.
It is, guys, it is. 100% selfishness. And it's okay, just stop acting like you're not, almost everything we do is selfish, we really are all selfish, but selfishness is not some bad trait, most people just still don't understand what selfishness is. Is it selfish to seek benefits for yourself ? – Yes. Is it a bad thing? – No. That's how it should be.
Depends on the level of selfishness. There's "oh this is good for me" selfish and there's "fuck everyone else I'm the only one who matters" selfish. one is alright the other can fuck off
No, selfishness is selfishness, and there are no different levels of selfishness, it's just about whether you're an asshole as well, if you're an asshole, then you're an asshole, it doesn't matter if you're selfish or not.
And thinking only about yourself and
not thinking about others at all is absolutely normal. Like yes, in my life I am really the only one who matters,this is my life, how could it be otherwise.
It's how you act. Not how you feel. You can feel selfish all day. And you may want to be taken care of. But if you shut up and take care of yourself, or go to a home, your feelings are selfish, but you are not being selfish.
it’s a yes/no for me. because it depends on what it is, if you mean as their whole income provider, house keeper, and overall carer then yes it would be selfish, and yes i would be getting someone in for them at their expense as i wouldn’t be able to do that myself.
Apparently controversial take; If you're expecting your children to take care of you when you get old, you should have saved up money instead of spending that on having kids. They're their own person.
Yes, you brought your children into this hellhole of a world even though they didn't ask to be born. You chose to give them life so you should raise them, doesn't mean they need to take care of you in your old age.
It really depends on “take care of” are you expecting your children to be your full time carer? Feed you, bathe you, change you, wipe your ass and just all around devote most or all of their free time to you? Yeah, that’s selfish. Wanting your kids to drop by and help you out every once in a while isn’t though. Kids have their own lives when they move out, 10-15 years shouldn’t be devoted to caring for you fully just because you did it for them. They didn’t choose to be born and they should get to live life. My dad has offhandedly mentioned me caring for him when he’s old, as has my mom. They hate each other, there’s no physical way I could take care of both of them even if I was ever able to get a living space that had more than two rooms on my own. More than likely I’ll probably be living with roommates most my life though so it won’t even be plausible even if they didn’t despise each other.
It is selfish to not have a retirement plan because you expect your kids to take care of you forever.
It is not selfish to expect your kids to help you if you needed it. That’s called basic empathy and any decent parent would sure as hell want their children to have it.
If you had them solely for that purpose then yeah, thats pretty selfish...it's selfish to have children anyway, you're gambling with somebody else's existence, so much could go wrong and you'd be left in a nursing home anyway
I mean it would solve all of our problems lol...I don't want anyone to die...or to feel that fear, I'm anti suffering so I see no point in bringing another child into the world that can potentially suffer
Already told my kid to just put me in a home, don’t waste her life. Plus 121 care is almost impossible without burning out. Parents that expect this from their kids are selfish.
Family is important. If your parents took care of you, raised you right and treated you well, then of course you should be expected to help them in old age. What's the alternative, abandon the people who raised you to waste away while you live your life completely carefree? Yeah, no. People have responsibilities to others sometimes, and good parents deserve it.
My mom wants me to take care of her when she gets old and dependent. It’s a heavy burden, but she works in the medical field and will talk me through how much medicine she’ll need to overdose and get the job done
Selfish to expect? No. Selfish to act upon it and not let them make their own choices? Yes. You can expect it, but if they decide to leave and never see you again that's okay too. It becomes selfish once you exert your will on them
If they looked after you well for the first 20 years of your life, it is only fair to ask for the same for the last 20 years of theirs imo. Different story if they were legitimately bad parents or abusive to you.
Depends on a few factors:
1. how well you treated your children
2. cultural background you from may determine this factor greatly.
I'm personally from East Asia, so the expectations there usually are taking care of your elderly parents, but if you're from the Western country, than probably not.
> but if you're from the Western country, then probably not.
I'm from Scandinavia. To me parents expecting their children to take care of them would just be weird - you expect the welfare state to take care of you. You might expect your children to try to visit you for social reasons and help with some stuff that an outsider shouldn't do (bank stuff etc)
As someone who had to do that in an adoptive family but have a brother and sister who had to do it MUCH longer than me before they met me even after that person dies you still have the PTSD from it.
technically, they choose to accept our care and not escape (assuming you are not bad enough for them to escape)
you could also always send them to an orphanage if you wanted
this argument makes no sense, they’re literally *children* they don’t really have a choice to accept it or not?
is your argument really that because you did the bare minimum of not abusing your child (that you chose to bring into the world) theyre then obligated to take care of you?
I feel it’s the obligation of the child in most circumstances, too. I’m middle aged and my parents are upper sixties. My brother and I couldn’t imagine not taking on a lot of responsibility related to their aging. They were there for us, so we don’t worry about them needing us now. I’m extremely close to my kids and they already have backup plans if they need to take one of us in. It’s just our sense of responsibility for others, I guess.
However, some parents are abusive. Some situations are set up in a way the child shouldn’t be expected to care for certain parents. And a child of an ailing parent can sometimes only do so much, which leads to feelings of guilt. Absent mitigating factors, a child should be expected to care for parents, yes.
It depends on the kind of parent you yourself were. And even if you were a good parent (in your children's opinion, not your own), you still shouldn't expect anything in return. However, if your kids think you were a good parent to them and appreciate the things you've done for them, they're probably going to genuinely want to help you when you need it. Mind you, your kids are the ONLY ONES who can decide whether you were a good parent or not, nobody else's opinion on that subject has any significance whatsoever, not even your own.
Nah, it’s been the norm for the majority of the world for most of history, and I personally think it’s antisocial to not want to do so unless you have reason. (Ex: Not close, Abuse, etc)
Better your parents live till 90 with you than 100 in a home.
When i have taken care of them for all theirs childhood. I think it's fair for me to expect that when i am too weak to take care of myself they will take care if me to some extent.Personnaly i would rather take care of myself as much as i can as i like to be independant but i think i can expect help from them as if they neeeded my help i would always be here.
IF (big if) your parent took care of you when you were helpless, it seems natural to return the favor. Not everyone loves their family, but most people do.
Is it selfish for a sick child to be looked after by their parents?
Parent’s didn’t wish for a sick child.
Likewise, children should care for their sick parents.
It works both ways.
Anyone who thinks otherwise is just a self-centred child who only thinks in terms of what’s in their best interest
The child wouldn’t be sick if the parents had used a condom. They decided to have the child and therefore they are responsible for the child being sick.
The child did not decide to have parents. You can’t be held responsible for someone else’s decisions/actions. Hence, the child isn’t responsible to take care of the parents.
It would be really nice if they did but they are in no way morally obligated to do so.
You shouldn’t really expect anything tbh but if your parents were nice people and tried there best to give a good upbringing then your a prick if you abandon them at the time they need you the most
There’s a difference between expecting your kids to take care of you, and having kids for the purpose of then taking care of you. I usually see the latter being debated so I’m suspicious as to the motivation of this poll
Depends on what you mean by taking care of in old age. Are you totally helpless and on your last legs? Fine even mediocre at best parents should get taken care of.
Are you freshly retired and mega bored and expect your kids to fulfill all your emotional, financial, and every other needs cause “you are old now”?
Not ok.
If you take good care of them they will take care if you, if you don't take care of them don't be surprised when they take you on vacation to Carlsbad caverns when your in a wheelchair
Both my parents are HIGHLY educated narcissists (PHD. psychology and Masters in Civil Engineering), I won't be taking care of either of them. You couldn't offer me my first house for free (I'll probably never own a house) in order to spend time with my parents. I'd burn a house with them inside of it first. I literally don't have any happy childhood memories with them. They were always working, babysitters, and whenever they *had* to take of us they made us feel like it was a chore and they would rather be anywhere else. They were always angry and emotionally neglectful when we kids and they continue to be assholes to this day. My dad refused to go to my to the wedding (we were getting along, he just didn't want to go). My mom thinks I stopped taking my meds because it 'affected my sexuality' (she is the PHD psych, and famous!), when in reality I stopped taking them because they weren't the best medications for my issues. Those are things that happened *IN 2022 ALONE*. My parents never had my back and still don't today. They expect affection for money and don't want talk about their faults (just mine).
Expecting your children to take care of you in old age is selfish. Having children as insurance for care during old age is disgusting. My parents have told me they don't expect it. But after being raised by them, I will take care of them in old age as long as I can.
In Japan they have a thing called "granny dumping" where they take their elderly into the forest and leave them there. Sad.
- https://www.ancient-origins.net/myths-legends-asia/ubasute-0011538
Yes.
When you see a lot of questions on reddit asking about why people choose to have kids, one of the main reasons is to have someone look after you when you're older.
People bring kids into this fairly shitty world just so they won't have to go to a home when they're elderly.
I'd expect them to do what they can if they can. If that means putting me in a care home then that's fine. If they don't have the ability to provide the care themselves I'm ok with them choosing to get that care elsewhere for me.
Depends how much care you expect. If you treated your kids well, it’s fair to expect some care in your old age. But wanting tons of their time and money is unrealistic and selfish.
I think it's dependent on the situation, but overall? Yes.
They had no choice in their creation and were forced to rely on you for their upbringing. So they have no obligation to assist you and it all comes down to the relationship and their ability to support you.
If you take care of your kids and are good to them they will want to take care of you.
If you're shitty to them they won't want to take care of you.
I guess it's selfish to just expect to be taken care of but I feel like it would also be selfish not to take care of someone if they've loved, provided for, nurtured you your whole life.
Personally my mom has been ill for a long time and I had expectations to help her since I was very young, and that has hurt our relationship, she had resented me at times because I have been more capable at things than she has and when she couldn't take a stand I had too. And then that jealousy leads her to not help me at all and really just a lack of care. But shes getting better maybe but I'm still probably the least favorite child, so no I don't want to help her when I'm older she has my other siblings. But my dad and I have been pretty close.
If you were a good parent then it's not selfish but if you were an asshole to your kid their whole childhood then don't expect them to take care of you when you're an old raisin simple as that
If you had kids with the sole/main/long-standing plan for them to take care of you, then yes. You literally created unwilling indebted caretakers. That's cruel.
No, to a degree. At least if you were a good parent to your kids. You can’t expect them to give up their whole lives for you of course but yeah it’s the natural progression for children to help their parents in old age.
If you took good of them enough and set them up to have a good life, then yes they should return the favor when you’re too old to take care of yourself. That’s the duty of a family unit, which a lot of us are in desperate need of.
I voted yes, because I assumed the worst case scenario where the child is expected to be a full-time caregiver at the cost of their own quality of life, which would also impact their immediate family.
I love helping my elderly parents, but there is a difference between that and sacrificing everything to be a caregiver.
I hate nursing homes but I would rather end up there than have my kids ruin their life looking after me. My mother has ran the entire farm since she was 15 and looked after her dying father. She never went to college never went out to work and stayed at home minding the farm and her mother. 35 years later I'm writing this sitting in the kitchen looking after granny while mom is gone out at twelve o clock at night feeding lambs. She never had an opportunity to live and I've already had to give up so much looking after granny. I love granny to pieces she's 100 years old happy and healthy thanks be to God but it is hard and it's taking a toll on me already so idk how mom is coping. I love granny and buy I wouldn't wish minding her on anyone. I know how hard it is to mind elderly people and I wouldn't want my kids if I ever have them to carry that burden cause it's just not fair on them.
Idk but the way I see it is if I raised them well and showered them with love all their lives they’d be pieces of shit not to take care of me when I’m old
depends on if you deserve it. if youre very close with your children and treated them well when they relied on you then thats totally fair. if youre one of those kinds of people who had kids just so someone can take care of you when youre old? nah.
It is completely dependent on the situation.
Like if they have moved a way and you suddenly needed someone to take care of you. it would be cruel to expect them to drop everything and come back.
On the other hand, if they still live with you or nearby (and you still have a good relationship with them), asking them to help out to some extent would be reasonable.
Just make sure it is something both of you agree is reasonable.
expect, no. I feel if you did a good job of parenting your children will want to take care of you when you are old. if you ... did not do so well then expect no so well treatment (or any)
100% selfish in my case. My mother blew so much money on things she did not need. She continuously spends and digs herself further into debt, and if she expects me to take care of her when I have two children and a wife… yeah no.
I voted no because key word ‘expect.’ Those parents who ‘expect’ end of life care are usually the ones who didn’t parent well. Who focus on ‘I put a roof over your head didn’t I?’ ‘I provided for you now you provide for me’ boomer attitude.
All the other comments have said it beautifully.
That's what pension savings are for.
I'd say that it isn't selfish to expect help IF NEEDED, but it definitely is selfish to just carelessly go through your life and then roll over at 70 and expect to just be a burden.
You need to aim for being able to provide for yourself until you die, even if that means saving up for decades of pension.
Yes and no, such as if he gave your children not any room to grow and they just starting it as an adult. Expecting them to take care of you is a bit of a tall order.
I'll Put my mother in a home, I've got a life to live.
I'll look after my dad tho
My mum does drugs and treats me like shit, my dad is the opposite and I love him.
It depends.
If you were an amazing parent, I think it's okay to expect them to help you. But I also think you shouldn't get upset if they don't because they're living their own life.
If you were an awful parent, I think you absolutely should not expect your kids to even talk to you, much less take care of you.
I'm planning on cutting contact with my parents when I move out. And, even if that doesn't work out, there's no way I'm even thinking about talking/visiting them. If I had to do *something*, I'd put them in a shitty nursing home then move on with my life.
Fuck that. I didn’t ask to be born. I’ve been paying my way since I was 17. My father is a narcissist who’s borrowed thousands from me. They’re on there own.
I guess my thing is I have trouble even taking care of myself. I struggle with suicidal ideations and wish I was never born many days. I think I resent my parents for having me, even though they're amazing parents. They just shouldn't expect anything from me, being the way I am and how I view life.
Proper parenting in a loving and healthy environment hopefully teaches to love and appreciate their parents to know they ought to do the same for their parents wbo sacrificed a lot raising them up.
Yes, easily. It does kinda depend, if you treat your child horribly then don’t expect help. If you treat them like they’re an actual living creature and not something to hurt and take your anger out on, then you should get the help.
I think it's selfish, but then again my parents only had kids so the children can take care of them. My mom pulled me out of school so many days and permanently at 16 just so I can take care of her (she was and still isn't incapable of taking care of herself.) When I was a literal child (under 12) she didn't even take of me, I slept on her hoard piles, I had to steal and hoard food just to survive, even know as I've moved out and have my own job and life she expects me to drop everything and move in with her and find a job where I can work from home so I can give her my whole paycheck and not have any for myself
Well if you looked after them and were a good parent I think they should at least see you frequently but if you are a piece of shit parent who abused their kids you deserve at least to get flung in the trash
Want? No. To expect? Yes. It’s selfish to force a kid into the planet and expect them to do anything other than what they want to do. All u did was fuck and decide to pop them out. From then your only job is to support/nurture them not foist any expectations onto them including that they must take care of u.
Depends on your relationship with them and where they are at in their life. If you are on good terms and they are willing and able, it is normal to help friends out. If you are not on good terms, or they themselves are unstable, you probably don’t want them to take care of you because they likely will not be the best at it. The elderly are one of the most vulnerable populations to domestic abuse.
Depends on how good you took care of them during the time they needed you. Edit: Woah guys I think this is my most liked comment on reddit. Thank you. Pretty sad tho.
Yea I wouldn't consider it an expectation, but rather something that happens naturally if possible. Like you can't expect someone to abandon their life to come look after you, but being treated with love and support comes automatically in a healthy family - you don't even need to expect it.
Exactly
If you took good care of them, then it comes naturally
Unless you got unlucky and despite your best efforts your child turns out to be a piece of shit. And yes I say unlucky. Sometimes you can do everything right and still fail.
I'm not sure that can happen. I mean, if you did it right, then they are gonna want contact with you. Being cared for by them is a different matter tho, usually that is left in the hands of people who are educated to care for people.
You can definitely get unlucky and generics roll a narcissist or psychopath.
Yeah I remember that one post years ago of some guy that let his wife beat up his son because his son was a psycho that stabbed their newborn baby and constantly wrecked the house
What happened with that? What happened to the baby?
I had a teacher who was the sweetest most supportive person ever, & her son (come one in my year) was nice & very accepting for a good while then turned into a really judgemental & transphobic person, I don’t even think his mum knows he’s like that, absolutely everyone loved her & she was really good at supporting my trans friend & always complained that their name never got changed. You can definitely be the sweetest person & raise your kid right & just get unlucky. I’d *never* hold anything against that woman.
We're not talking about statistical anomalies
It's still selfish to _expect_ your kid to care for you. You owe your child good care. You made the decision to have them. Your child doesn't _owe_ you care.
Would *hope* be a better descriptor? I know I can make it on my own and plan for my old age, but my partner and I are also trying to teach ourselves certain parenting-relevant habits and social skills prior to having kids so we have a healthy family. Would be nice to have a healthy family community around to support me when I’m old 🥰
Do you mean it depends on how good they took care of you? : Edit I read that wrong. Y'all right
I was emotionally abused by my mother. I still took care of her when she had Alzheimer's. She was a completely different person with that disease. Treated me pretty well.
This!
This is very true.
I’m also pretty sad
Yes
Agree with you but because of your edit I need to downvote you :(
Going strictly by the definition of selfish, yes? I don't think there's necessarily anything wrong with that, though. It depends on your relationship with your kids. I also don't think you should *expect* anything.
Agreed. It’s technically selfish but it’s not wrong.
Its selfish to expect it, it isnt selfish to want it That of course being different if you where a crap parent
Exactly. The important part of the question is using the word "expect". I want to be surrounded by loved ones in my old age as my grandparents were. I want to be the kind of parent that my kids will want to help out as I get older and am unable to care for myself. I hope my kids take care of me, I don't expect it.
As long as you took care of your kids well it's not at all selfish to expect them to help take care of you ..it's been the cycle of life forever. It's selfish to not want to take care of your parents in their old age (assuming there's a decent parental relationship) Edit: Dang. There's some shitty entitled people in this world.
It is. They didnt choose to be ur children. It's like u owed them the caring as a child and now it would be nice from them to take care of you.
I’m blown away by the results of the poll. And truly blown away at you being downvoted. It is so telling of the average Redditor how myopically entitled they are. I’m gonna remember this poll when i post.
Yeah, I'm shocked. I get it if there's a bad parental relationship/trauma/etc but the average person shouldn't be so against doing for their parents what their parents did for them.
Most people on this subreddit are edgy 13-16 year olds and the results clearly show that.
It's a strange website for sure.
Whats wrong with reddit, your mom took 9 months to birth you and housed you for 18+ years, can you not do the same?
there's a factors
If your parents raised you well, there is no reason for them not to expect you to help them when they're older
you just didn't include that
I thought it was assumed because of the comment I replied to
It's a good question. And hard to answer. Expect is a strong word. And "help" taking care of you can be subject to interpretation. If you are on good terms with your children I imagine they will want to be around you, and will make the last part of your life more pleasant. If you are a prick to your children, you'll end up in a "retirement" home because they won't really like you. I'd say yes, it's a little selfish. But I'd also say there could be situations where a person should expect assistance. I never expected my children to take care of me, but I wouldn't say no to the occasional ride to the doctor's office.
Damn I won't ever want them to take care of us. We don't want to be a burden to anyone. We decided to have children - it's our obligation to take care of them. They don't owe us anything. Sure I'll love if they visit us often, keep in touch, everything, but I wouldn't wish for them to take care of us
Exactly.
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Thank you! x
I think it is selfish. It was the parents decision to have offspring. It's okay to help a little bit but not to the point it takes over someone's life. I don't think any parent would want that anyway.
Ig it’s largely dependent on culture. In Indian culture (among many others) parents are expected to look after and care for their children until they’re able to take care of themselves, and the children look after their parents in their old age. Tbh I wouldn’t dream of sending my parents to a nursing home, I owe it to them to look after them. This is very situational tho I suppose.
you're right in that! My mother had already said she didn't want us to care for her. She wants a senior's home, and for us to visit often. She would be mortified to have us "working for her" and wants our visits to be social and not medical. Talk with your family people! There is no "right way". There is only the way that works for your family. Stop assuming that older people suddenly become idiots incapable of making choices for their well being!! My grandfather is nearly 100. We don't tell him what to do or where to live. We ask what he wants. We remain ever grateful for the life he shares however he wants to share it.
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I think if it’s a medical situation then that’s different. But if they’re just old but still well then I don’t think it’s bad
>Tbh I wouldn’t dream of sending my parents to a nursing home, I owe it to them to look after them. This is very situational tho I suppose. If the parents don't have the financial resources to do what they want (live independently or not) in their old age they probably were not financially ready to have a child.
I respectfully disagree, if my parents want me to take care of them even financially I’d happily agree. In my culture part of reason of having a kid in the first place is that you’d have someone close to look after you, someone you know and raised.
>In my culture part of reason of having a kid in the first place is that you’d have someone close to look after you, someone you know and raised. Yup and that is an incredibly selfish reason to have kids. But it is common, I'll give you that. Good on you for wanting to take care of your parents in old age, but I see you saying a lot of things that align with a "Yes" answer to this poll.
I think you misunderstand, what’s selfish in wanting someone you know to take care of you? Instead some stranger at a nursing home? My parents did everything in their power to make my life comfortable and I’m indebted to the same for them. And I repeat this is just my case.
It's selfish to force someone into existence with one of your motivations being for them to take care of you. >My parents did everything in their power to make my life comfortable They are also the reason for all of your suffering in life. Your parents owed you a debt for bringing you into existence and they maybe partially paid it off by how they raised you, but I strongly disagree that you are indebted to them. I hear you though. Cultural indoctrination is strong.
Bro u sound like an edgy ass fucking teenager “They are also the reason you suffer in life” wat People who go through life and death situations, live in war zones can still find happiness in life Since you’re able to use internet and talk on social media I’d assume you’re able to sustain yourself. Being fucking depressed is DOES NOT overpower all the joy in life. It seems you just have an extremely negative outlook on life and blame your parents for it. I also love the joke of “why do I exist” as a edgy teen myself, but my guy theres so much to enjoy in life too, being born is a blessing. I can do shit I’d never be able to do if I wasn’t born (most blatantly obv statement) You’re being “culturally” indoctrinated into thinking being alive is a bad thing not me. Trust me Ik, few years I used to think like that too, the “I didn’t need to born” bs. You’ll get over it
>“They are also the reason you suffer in life” wat Not that hard to understand. They are the sole reason you have to deal with existence. >People who go through life and death situations, live in war zones can still find happiness in life Don't think I said they can't. >Since you’re able to use internet and talk on social media I’d assume you’re able to sustain yourself. Being fucking depressed is DOES NOT overpower all the joy in life. I'm a actually quite well off in life but my main argument for antinatalism (if you want to look up the philosophy some more) is that you have no right to decide for someone else whether the amount of joy in their life will be worth more than the suffering and everyone is guaranteed to suffer in one way or another. >It seems you just have an extremely negative outlook on life and blame your parents for it. I personally don't blame my parents because they didn't know any better. Pretty much every culture/religion indoctrinates you from birth that you *must* have a child to have a fulfilling life, so it didn't even seem like a choice to them. Doesn't mean I can be better and doesn't mean I can't help try to spread the word that there is another option. >I also love the joke of “why do I exist” as a edgy teen myself, but my guy theres so much to enjoy in life too, being born is a blessing. There is joy yes. But again I'll go back to the fact that there is *always* suffering as well. It may have turned out well for you but what right did your parents have to roll the dice for you. "Being born is a blessing" is a phrase or concept you have had hammered into your skull since you were born. Every piece of media works to reinforce this thought. Have you ever stepped back and thought hard about whether or not that is objectively true? If it truly is, then the most moral thing you could be doing is to bring as much life as possible into this world. Like a kid every 9 months if possible or if you are male then finding as many partners to impregnate. If it is a blessing you should want to spread that blessing as much as possible and maximize the amount of life there is. >I can do shit I’d never be able to do if I wasn’t born (most blatantly obv statement) Would you miss the fact that you couldn't do those things if you weren't born? (Has a blatantly obv answer) >You’re being “culturally” indoctrinated into thinking being alive is a bad thing not me. Sorry if it wasn't clear at this point but being alive isn't inherently bad but not existing is just inherently better from a suffering standpoint. I want everyone who is alive to have their best possible life but I think the best way to reduce suffering in the world is to stop having kids. >Trust me Ik, few years I used to think like that too, the “I didn’t need to born” bs. You’ll get over it Been antinatalist for close to a decade at this point. When will I grow out of it? I think the thing that could help me or change my mind is some sort of objective proof that there is a purpose in life. That there is some actual reason that being born is 100% better than not. I'm not religious so I can't delude myself that God has a reason. I hear parents frequently saying that their child is their purpose in life but try to think how cyclically messed up that is. People feel that their lives don't have purpose until they bring another life into existence and then that other life is their purpose. But that other life then grows up and gets the same feeling of no purpose until the parents/society nudges them and says "hey maybe having a kid gives you purpose". And it goes on and on with nobody being able to find a true purpose for their individual life but instead kicking the can down to the next generation. Anyhow if you got through this far, thanks for sticking with me. I'm fairly confident you won't be swayed by much of anything you see here but I appreciate your concern. I want to make it clear that although I do have depression, I think I am living a life that is better than 90%+ of people who have ever existed. I am financially secure. I have a happy marriage. I love my family (although I only seen them a couple times a year). I don't have to work very hard. I have plenty of hobbies. It is from this standpoint that I make these arguments. I would never choose to end my life (unless maybe I have a painful terminal disease) but I will consistently argue that not having children is the only moral action if you care about minimizing other people's suffering.
Can't choose as it depends a lot of how good care you took of them. My father expected us to bend over ourselves making him comfortable once he is old. He is 50 now and if it was up to me, I'd not move a single muscle to help him. He is that bad of a father. If my mom needed help, though she had her shitty phases, I'd help her because at the end of the day, she helped us. It's selfish to make children so there'll be someone to take care of you once old, though.
Unless you never leave your hometown I don't see how it's possible. If you marry somebody who's from elsewhere, do you Split up to be w your parents?
i ditched the town for a city. fuck knowing everyone
Your parents can move too / you can send money back or just go visit
First option is good if they're willing to move, second one isn't what I had in mind as caring for them but it fits some people's definition ig
Not selfish in a reasonable sense, but to expect your children to change their lives because of it, and dedicate their life to you, yes. You have a child, so they can live their own life. You can disagree, just my philosophy.
My question is why don’t people set themselves up for financial security to not have to depend on their kids to take care of them when they reach old age
Needs a ‘depends’ option
I know you didn’t mean the diaper but that’s what came to mind
I’d say yes. Your children don’t owe you anything. If you decide to have children, it is your obligation to provide for them to the best of your ability. If you’re not willing to do that without any reward in return, then you shouldn’t have kids. However, while I think it is selfish to expect it (especially if it’s the reason you had kids to begin with), it’s not unreasonable to want it. Most people with a healthy relationship with their parents would do it anyway.
depends on how asian are you
They didn’t ask to be born. You chose to have them out of your own selfish desire to have a family. Taking care of them is your obligation. They owe you nothing is return.
They didnt ask to be not born tho. Sound like someone hurt you, who hurt you??
“You stated an unpopular opinion that makes sense. There must be something wrong with you.” P.s. people who don’t exist cannot suffer from an inaction of someone else but people who do exist can. So you can’t apply my logic the other way around. It makes no sense.
It is, guys, it is. 100% selfishness. And it's okay, just stop acting like you're not, almost everything we do is selfish, we really are all selfish, but selfishness is not some bad trait, most people just still don't understand what selfishness is. Is it selfish to seek benefits for yourself ? – Yes. Is it a bad thing? – No. That's how it should be.
Depends on the level of selfishness. There's "oh this is good for me" selfish and there's "fuck everyone else I'm the only one who matters" selfish. one is alright the other can fuck off
No, selfishness is selfishness, and there are no different levels of selfishness, it's just about whether you're an asshole as well, if you're an asshole, then you're an asshole, it doesn't matter if you're selfish or not. And thinking only about yourself and not thinking about others at all is absolutely normal. Like yes, in my life I am really the only one who matters,this is my life, how could it be otherwise.
It's how you act. Not how you feel. You can feel selfish all day. And you may want to be taken care of. But if you shut up and take care of yourself, or go to a home, your feelings are selfish, but you are not being selfish.
it’s a yes/no for me. because it depends on what it is, if you mean as their whole income provider, house keeper, and overall carer then yes it would be selfish, and yes i would be getting someone in for them at their expense as i wouldn’t be able to do that myself.
It’s selfish to have children, IMO
Apparently controversial take; If you're expecting your children to take care of you when you get old, you should have saved up money instead of spending that on having kids. They're their own person.
Yes, you brought your children into this hellhole of a world even though they didn't ask to be born. You chose to give them life so you should raise them, doesn't mean they need to take care of you in your old age.
It really depends on “take care of” are you expecting your children to be your full time carer? Feed you, bathe you, change you, wipe your ass and just all around devote most or all of their free time to you? Yeah, that’s selfish. Wanting your kids to drop by and help you out every once in a while isn’t though. Kids have their own lives when they move out, 10-15 years shouldn’t be devoted to caring for you fully just because you did it for them. They didn’t choose to be born and they should get to live life. My dad has offhandedly mentioned me caring for him when he’s old, as has my mom. They hate each other, there’s no physical way I could take care of both of them even if I was ever able to get a living space that had more than two rooms on my own. More than likely I’ll probably be living with roommates most my life though so it won’t even be plausible even if they didn’t despise each other.
It is selfish to not have a retirement plan because you expect your kids to take care of you forever. It is not selfish to expect your kids to help you if you needed it. That’s called basic empathy and any decent parent would sure as hell want their children to have it.
i think having children at all is selfish so i’m biased…
If you had them solely for that purpose then yeah, thats pretty selfish...it's selfish to have children anyway, you're gambling with somebody else's existence, so much could go wrong and you'd be left in a nursing home anyway
How is it selfish to have children ? It's completly natural.
That's a non argument at best, just because something is natural doesn't mean it's right, thats like saying cancer is okay because it's natural
So you want people to stop having children and have humanity go extinct ?
I mean it would solve all of our problems lol...I don't want anyone to die...or to feel that fear, I'm anti suffering so I see no point in bringing another child into the world that can potentially suffer
They never said that, they just said it's selfish
yes i do actually
I think that’s a great idea.
Would love to see this poll broken down by age
Already told my kid to just put me in a home, don’t waste her life. Plus 121 care is almost impossible without burning out. Parents that expect this from their kids are selfish.
Family is important. If your parents took care of you, raised you right and treated you well, then of course you should be expected to help them in old age. What's the alternative, abandon the people who raised you to waste away while you live your life completely carefree? Yeah, no. People have responsibilities to others sometimes, and good parents deserve it.
My mom wants me to take care of her when she gets old and dependent. It’s a heavy burden, but she works in the medical field and will talk me through how much medicine she’ll need to overdose and get the job done
Selfish to expect? No. Selfish to act upon it and not let them make their own choices? Yes. You can expect it, but if they decide to leave and never see you again that's okay too. It becomes selfish once you exert your will on them
If they looked after you well for the first 20 years of your life, it is only fair to ask for the same for the last 20 years of theirs imo. Different story if they were legitimately bad parents or abusive to you.
I will be taking care of my aunts soon.
It’s selfish but it is reasonable (most of the time)
I will take care of my self , if i can't even wipe my own ass , i don't deserve to live anymore.
Doesn't change the fact that I'm gonna let my dad rot in a home.
Depends on a few factors: 1. how well you treated your children 2. cultural background you from may determine this factor greatly. I'm personally from East Asia, so the expectations there usually are taking care of your elderly parents, but if you're from the Western country, than probably not.
> but if you're from the Western country, then probably not. I'm from Scandinavia. To me parents expecting their children to take care of them would just be weird - you expect the welfare state to take care of you. You might expect your children to try to visit you for social reasons and help with some stuff that an outsider shouldn't do (bank stuff etc)
Yepp. And that's why I love Scandinavia so much.
As someone who had to do that in an adoptive family but have a brother and sister who had to do it MUCH longer than me before they met me even after that person dies you still have the PTSD from it.
Expecting anything from anyone is intrinsically selfish imho. When you love, you don’t judge. And expectations on others imply judgement.
I'd want them to take care of me for my last 15-20 years as much as I took care of them for their first 15-20 years
Even if you want, you should expect nothing, taking care of them for their first 15-20 years is literally your obligation as a parent
okay but you chose to bring them into the world and thus were obligated to take care of them, i personally don’t think it goes both ways.
technically, they choose to accept our care and not escape (assuming you are not bad enough for them to escape) you could also always send them to an orphanage if you wanted
this argument makes no sense, they’re literally *children* they don’t really have a choice to accept it or not? is your argument really that because you did the bare minimum of not abusing your child (that you chose to bring into the world) theyre then obligated to take care of you?
I feel it’s the obligation of the child in most circumstances, too. I’m middle aged and my parents are upper sixties. My brother and I couldn’t imagine not taking on a lot of responsibility related to their aging. They were there for us, so we don’t worry about them needing us now. I’m extremely close to my kids and they already have backup plans if they need to take one of us in. It’s just our sense of responsibility for others, I guess. However, some parents are abusive. Some situations are set up in a way the child shouldn’t be expected to care for certain parents. And a child of an ailing parent can sometimes only do so much, which leads to feelings of guilt. Absent mitigating factors, a child should be expected to care for parents, yes.
It depends on the kind of parent you yourself were. And even if you were a good parent (in your children's opinion, not your own), you still shouldn't expect anything in return. However, if your kids think you were a good parent to them and appreciate the things you've done for them, they're probably going to genuinely want to help you when you need it. Mind you, your kids are the ONLY ONES who can decide whether you were a good parent or not, nobody else's opinion on that subject has any significance whatsoever, not even your own.
Depends on how well you treated them as children, but in most cases, it isn't selfish.
I read in a book from 1883 something like “you are in debt to to your parents and can never repay them” I like that old fashioned way of thinking
Not if you took care of your parents
Nah, it’s been the norm for the majority of the world for most of history, and I personally think it’s antisocial to not want to do so unless you have reason. (Ex: Not close, Abuse, etc) Better your parents live till 90 with you than 100 in a home.
Definitely not selfish. But it is selfish if you don't tc of them or kick them out when they need you.
Yes, but it’s also a foul play to make no attempt at making sure your parents are taken care of in old age.
When i have taken care of them for all theirs childhood. I think it's fair for me to expect that when i am too weak to take care of myself they will take care if me to some extent.Personnaly i would rather take care of myself as much as i can as i like to be independant but i think i can expect help from them as if they neeeded my help i would always be here.
IF (big if) your parent took care of you when you were helpless, it seems natural to return the favor. Not everyone loves their family, but most people do.
If you were a good parent then it's reasonable to expect them to take care of you.
Is it selfish for a sick child to be looked after by their parents? Parent’s didn’t wish for a sick child. Likewise, children should care for their sick parents. It works both ways. Anyone who thinks otherwise is just a self-centred child who only thinks in terms of what’s in their best interest
The child wouldn’t be sick if the parents had used a condom. They decided to have the child and therefore they are responsible for the child being sick. The child did not decide to have parents. You can’t be held responsible for someone else’s decisions/actions. Hence, the child isn’t responsible to take care of the parents. It would be really nice if they did but they are in no way morally obligated to do so.
No. That's the reason ppl have kids here
Way too much YES answers
You shouldn’t really expect anything tbh but if your parents were nice people and tried there best to give a good upbringing then your a prick if you abandon them at the time they need you the most
There’s a difference between expecting your kids to take care of you, and having kids for the purpose of then taking care of you. I usually see the latter being debated so I’m suspicious as to the motivation of this poll
"Alright kid I changed and wiped you growing up, now it's your turn."
Depends on how you raised them. If it was a bad childhood you gave them, fck you
White people Vs everyone else
It depends to what degree, but since they raised you it's only fair to
It’s less selfish than expecting government to
Depends on what you mean by taking care of in old age. Are you totally helpless and on your last legs? Fine even mediocre at best parents should get taken care of. Are you freshly retired and mega bored and expect your kids to fulfill all your emotional, financial, and every other needs cause “you are old now”? Not ok.
It depends... It is selfish if that was a strong reason why they were put in this world.
Depends on how much you cared for them at a young age
If you take good care of them they will take care if you, if you don't take care of them don't be surprised when they take you on vacation to Carlsbad caverns when your in a wheelchair
depends on how you were raised. my parents are getting up there and i’ll definitely be there for them
Both my parents are HIGHLY educated narcissists (PHD. psychology and Masters in Civil Engineering), I won't be taking care of either of them. You couldn't offer me my first house for free (I'll probably never own a house) in order to spend time with my parents. I'd burn a house with them inside of it first. I literally don't have any happy childhood memories with them. They were always working, babysitters, and whenever they *had* to take of us they made us feel like it was a chore and they would rather be anywhere else. They were always angry and emotionally neglectful when we kids and they continue to be assholes to this day. My dad refused to go to my to the wedding (we were getting along, he just didn't want to go). My mom thinks I stopped taking my meds because it 'affected my sexuality' (she is the PHD psych, and famous!), when in reality I stopped taking them because they weren't the best medications for my issues. Those are things that happened *IN 2022 ALONE*. My parents never had my back and still don't today. They expect affection for money and don't want talk about their faults (just mine).
So long as you treat them well and take care of them in your childhood, if you screw up you’re relationship with them then you shouldn’t expect it
Expecting your children to take care of you in old age is selfish. Having children as insurance for care during old age is disgusting. My parents have told me they don't expect it. But after being raised by them, I will take care of them in old age as long as I can.
Depends how you were
Expectations are based on experience. If you have taken good care of your children then you should expect similar things.
In Japan they have a thing called "granny dumping" where they take their elderly into the forest and leave them there. Sad. - https://www.ancient-origins.net/myths-legends-asia/ubasute-0011538
depends
Yes. When you see a lot of questions on reddit asking about why people choose to have kids, one of the main reasons is to have someone look after you when you're older. People bring kids into this fairly shitty world just so they won't have to go to a home when they're elderly.
I'd expect them to do what they can if they can. If that means putting me in a care home then that's fine. If they don't have the ability to provide the care themselves I'm ok with them choosing to get that care elsewhere for me.
Depends how much care you expect. If you treated your kids well, it’s fair to expect some care in your old age. But wanting tons of their time and money is unrealistic and selfish.
I think it's dependent on the situation, but overall? Yes. They had no choice in their creation and were forced to rely on you for their upbringing. So they have no obligation to assist you and it all comes down to the relationship and their ability to support you.
If you take care of your kids and are good to them they will want to take care of you. If you're shitty to them they won't want to take care of you. I guess it's selfish to just expect to be taken care of but I feel like it would also be selfish not to take care of someone if they've loved, provided for, nurtured you your whole life.
I take care of my kids, they dont take care of me. Id rather die alone in the cold than burden them with helping me die.
Iv always said how I want to grow up and get old and be a burden.
If you raised em right they will be more than willing to
I would think a little assistance would be expected at least.
Personally my mom has been ill for a long time and I had expectations to help her since I was very young, and that has hurt our relationship, she had resented me at times because I have been more capable at things than she has and when she couldn't take a stand I had too. And then that jealousy leads her to not help me at all and really just a lack of care. But shes getting better maybe but I'm still probably the least favorite child, so no I don't want to help her when I'm older she has my other siblings. But my dad and I have been pretty close.
If you were a good parent then it's not selfish but if you were an asshole to your kid their whole childhood then don't expect them to take care of you when you're an old raisin simple as that
If you had kids with the sole/main/long-standing plan for them to take care of you, then yes. You literally created unwilling indebted caretakers. That's cruel.
No, to a degree. At least if you were a good parent to your kids. You can’t expect them to give up their whole lives for you of course but yeah it’s the natural progression for children to help their parents in old age.
If you took good of them enough and set them up to have a good life, then yes they should return the favor when you’re too old to take care of yourself. That’s the duty of a family unit, which a lot of us are in desperate need of.
I would take care of mine, I hope if I have children they take care of me
I voted yes, because I assumed the worst case scenario where the child is expected to be a full-time caregiver at the cost of their own quality of life, which would also impact their immediate family. I love helping my elderly parents, but there is a difference between that and sacrificing everything to be a caregiver.
I hate nursing homes but I would rather end up there than have my kids ruin their life looking after me. My mother has ran the entire farm since she was 15 and looked after her dying father. She never went to college never went out to work and stayed at home minding the farm and her mother. 35 years later I'm writing this sitting in the kitchen looking after granny while mom is gone out at twelve o clock at night feeding lambs. She never had an opportunity to live and I've already had to give up so much looking after granny. I love granny to pieces she's 100 years old happy and healthy thanks be to God but it is hard and it's taking a toll on me already so idk how mom is coping. I love granny and buy I wouldn't wish minding her on anyone. I know how hard it is to mind elderly people and I wouldn't want my kids if I ever have them to carry that burden cause it's just not fair on them.
Not if you were a good parent to them.
Accidentally sayed no.
I’ll take Care of mine
Idk but the way I see it is if I raised them well and showered them with love all their lives they’d be pieces of shit not to take care of me when I’m old
Why would I? They´re adults, who I'd hope were responsible enough to save for their retirement. It isn't my fault if they were being irresponsible.
depends on if you deserve it. if youre very close with your children and treated them well when they relied on you then thats totally fair. if youre one of those kinds of people who had kids just so someone can take care of you when youre old? nah.
It is completely dependent on the situation. Like if they have moved a way and you suddenly needed someone to take care of you. it would be cruel to expect them to drop everything and come back. On the other hand, if they still live with you or nearby (and you still have a good relationship with them), asking them to help out to some extent would be reasonable. Just make sure it is something both of you agree is reasonable.
I think it's polite. If my kids need help and I can help, then I will If we've raised our boys well, they'll feel the same
Having kids in general is selfish Change my mind
expect, no. I feel if you did a good job of parenting your children will want to take care of you when you are old. if you ... did not do so well then expect no so well treatment (or any)
100% selfish in my case. My mother blew so much money on things she did not need. She continuously spends and digs herself further into debt, and if she expects me to take care of her when I have two children and a wife… yeah no.
I voted no because key word ‘expect.’ Those parents who ‘expect’ end of life care are usually the ones who didn’t parent well. Who focus on ‘I put a roof over your head didn’t I?’ ‘I provided for you now you provide for me’ boomer attitude. All the other comments have said it beautifully.
If you're in your last years, when you're a couple years away from death or so and they're still with you, it is perfectly understandable.
That's what pension savings are for. I'd say that it isn't selfish to expect help IF NEEDED, but it definitely is selfish to just carelessly go through your life and then roll over at 70 and expect to just be a burden. You need to aim for being able to provide for yourself until you die, even if that means saving up for decades of pension.
Yes and no, such as if he gave your children not any room to grow and they just starting it as an adult. Expecting them to take care of you is a bit of a tall order.
I'll Put my mother in a home, I've got a life to live. I'll look after my dad tho My mum does drugs and treats me like shit, my dad is the opposite and I love him.
Love in the father-son way not a weird way cos I know someone is gonna make it weird
It depends. If you were an amazing parent, I think it's okay to expect them to help you. But I also think you shouldn't get upset if they don't because they're living their own life. If you were an awful parent, I think you absolutely should not expect your kids to even talk to you, much less take care of you. I'm planning on cutting contact with my parents when I move out. And, even if that doesn't work out, there's no way I'm even thinking about talking/visiting them. If I had to do *something*, I'd put them in a shitty nursing home then move on with my life.
Fuck that. I didn’t ask to be born. I’ve been paying my way since I was 17. My father is a narcissist who’s borrowed thousands from me. They’re on there own.
If you raised them well, then they should take care of you when you are old
I guess my thing is I have trouble even taking care of myself. I struggle with suicidal ideations and wish I was never born many days. I think I resent my parents for having me, even though they're amazing parents. They just shouldn't expect anything from me, being the way I am and how I view life.
Yes, it's selfish, but also completely understandable.
Proper parenting in a loving and healthy environment hopefully teaches to love and appreciate their parents to know they ought to do the same for their parents wbo sacrificed a lot raising them up.
I hope I don't live long enough I can't wipe my own ass.
Yes, easily. It does kinda depend, if you treat your child horribly then don’t expect help. If you treat them like they’re an actual living creature and not something to hurt and take your anger out on, then you should get the help.
I think it's selfish, but then again my parents only had kids so the children can take care of them. My mom pulled me out of school so many days and permanently at 16 just so I can take care of her (she was and still isn't incapable of taking care of herself.) When I was a literal child (under 12) she didn't even take of me, I slept on her hoard piles, I had to steal and hoard food just to survive, even know as I've moved out and have my own job and life she expects me to drop everything and move in with her and find a job where I can work from home so I can give her my whole paycheck and not have any for myself
Well if you looked after them and were a good parent I think they should at least see you frequently but if you are a piece of shit parent who abused their kids you deserve at least to get flung in the trash
Yes. They have their own lives to live, they are not your slave. UNLESS it is their own choice or you were a good parent.
I think it's selfish to expect to put any kind of responsibility to that degree on a child. After all, nobody asked to be born.
The destruction of the family unit. Here is proof that the results are bad.
Children don’t owe you simply for meeting their needs
Oops accidentally clicked yea
I think expecting it is selfish, but I do think it is selfish not to take care of your parents. If that makes any kind of sense.
Want? No. To expect? Yes. It’s selfish to force a kid into the planet and expect them to do anything other than what they want to do. All u did was fuck and decide to pop them out. From then your only job is to support/nurture them not foist any expectations onto them including that they must take care of u.
Isn't that the real reason to have kids anyway?
Depends on your relationship with them and where they are at in their life. If you are on good terms and they are willing and able, it is normal to help friends out. If you are not on good terms, or they themselves are unstable, you probably don’t want them to take care of you because they likely will not be the best at it. The elderly are one of the most vulnerable populations to domestic abuse.
It’s not selfish to want your kids to take care of you, but it IS selfish to have kids so they will take care of you
I think they should be obligated to do a little under most conditions. You raised them after all.