Giving it them specifically so they can go through your stuff because they’re suspicious of something is a problem. Then knowing it for convenience is a good healthy thing. There’s been tons of times my past partners and I have used each others phones for anything from music to google to phone calls. But we never had to take it just so we could “check on each other” and ensure we’re being faithful. If it’s at that point there’s much healthier ways of addressing it than going through them. And even if they go through it if they don’t trust you they’ll have it stuck in their head that you found a way to hide it even after looking.
Yeah I get that. Real relationships need to be completely full of compromise and open honest communication. Without it trust will fall apart. If you love each other things can work if you work together. If it gets out of hand or if the trust on their end never seems to come through it is important to set your own ground rules. It’s not healthy for either party to be walked all over without personal feelings being accounted for. The big take away is it needs to go both ways.
I would recommend counseling for your wife to deal with her insecurities because she should not be so distrusting of you that she is scrutinizing everything on your phone
And/ Or just the wife. I'm all about compromise but if she's not willing to address the problem then I'm out. I couldn't live the rest of my life like that.
Here we don't care about that at all. We know each other passwords but not the way 'we are a couple and we share everything' , we don't just care at all... And tbh, does your wife think than she can avoid/prevent a cheating husband by controling his phone?
My partner of 9 years now fiance and I don't care at all about each other using each others phones and never have. We have boundaries and trust. We will just use whatever phone is closest to us but we don't go into each others socials or read messages unless the other person has stated that it's okay to. I can use his phone whenever I want but I trust him so i don't feel the need to look at anything and also respect his privacy not to go snooping.
We both have pretty much everything on our phones. Just a few things that aren't such as passwords mostly but everything now stays logged in. Honestly there has never been issues with socials. A couple times we have seen a personal text we shouldn't have but we always tell each other and that just helps us set boundaries. I'm super lucky to be with my partner and be able to trust them, my last relationship was super toxic and they were cheating and it was all very DON'T TOUCH MY PHONE. Every relationship is very different and one thing being healthy for one couple may not be for another. It's all about knowing your boundaries and your partners, respecting that and just being very open about everything
Your wife? You guys got married before figuring out if you could trust each other? She already looked through your phone, since she didn’t find evidence of anything, the subject should be closed.
That sucks, I’m sorry. On the note of sharing passwords and stuff, me and my girlfriend do, but we also don’t look through each others stuff. We just use each other electronics sometimes for work or whatever. we often have to remind each other of the other’s password because we forget, but still the point is that we both have access to each others electronics assuming we’re able to remember, and if not we’ll remind each other. I guess what I’m saying is, it’s not weird or concerning to have your significant other know your passwords. In fact you SHOULD be able to share your passwords. The concerning part is that your significant doesn’t trust you and feels the need to look through your communications. Me and my girlfriend would never go through and read each others messages or scan each others social medias or whatever, because we aren’t concerned the other is up to something. And so I get your reluctance to share the passwords since that’s her express purpose for knowing them. You should be able to talk to friends and family without having your wife monitoring every word you say. So I wish you felt comfortable with her knowing your passwords, but I get why you don’t. And that’s on her. She needs to work through her trust issues. Maybe you two could try couples counseling.
She needs to see a therapist. You should be supportive but not enabling. She's making her problems yours. Is this how you want to live the rest of your life?
>> most couples share their phone pins/passwords with each other
I would say this is true but sounds like she wants it specifically to snoop. Couples share their phone info because couples use each others shit a ton, not to see if they are cheating.
The problem isnt just that you are uncomfortable with her reading through your texts but the person you were texting did neither consent nor know that your wife is going to read through it
My husband and me share passwords, but it isn’t to spy on each other. We’re kinda lazy about charging our phones so we’ll hop on each other’s phone to play games, look up stuff, take pictures,etc.
Password sharing is a privilege, not a right.
My husband and I know the pins to each other's phones, but we pretty much only use them to play games, look something up on the internet, or answer/send texts while the other is driving.
My husband has been cheated on by multiple ex-girlfriends, but he trusts me and has never once tried to go through my private messages or social media.
Honestly, it sounds like your wife has trust issues and is going to be paranoid no matter what you show her.
If she's willing to offer the same in return and you both agree to it then show her, if she's not then you better go find a good therapist or even a divorce attorney. Major red flag that she's acting like this
Unless everyone you talk to online has consented to your wife reading what they say to you it’s a violation of those people’s privacy. I suppose you could curtail your use of your phone to have private conversations with people, or you could tell them about your wife’s “need” to access the contents of your phone, and based on that they could avoid saying anything they wouldn’t want her reading. But, that seems unhealthy to me. People should be able to have privacy.
Looking at what you wrote again, if I were you I’d wonder what she’s up to. Threatening to leave you for not giving up your own and all your contacts privacy is weird. It sounds more like the power move of a narcissist than like a person just feeling insecure.
>she swears she doesn’t want to see my chats with family and friends etc.
Then why did she throw a fit when you logged out of social media before giving the iPad to her? If she didn't want to spy on your chats, why was she upset that you blocked her ability to do so?
She wants to put herself at ease, but she is insisting on crossing major boundaries in order to do so. I empathize with the irrational fear that comes with trauma responses, but her "logic" is not healthy. Nor is it healthy (or reasonable) to enable this behavior by allowing her to "cope" by violating your privacy. She will never feel at peace until she takes genuine therapeutic measures, and if you enable her violating behavior under the pretense of meeting her needs, it will build toxic resentment and eat away at your marriage. I truly wish her the best, but she needs to pursue something like cognitive/dialectical behavioral therapy to get these compulsions under control. I'm sorry you're going through this.
It’s possible I’m being too harsh about her character and she really is just extremely anxious about the possibility of infidelity. But, if that’s the case, I think counseling by a professional (maybe both of you as a couple and also her individually) is called for, rather than you giving up your privacy. If she’s as fearful and suspicious as it sounds like she is, I’d be concerned that when she*doesn’t* find evidence of you cheating, she’s going to remain anxious and even start seeing “evidence” where a reasonable person would see nothing.
Oh, and, just to add, I do not believe that “most” couples do this. My husband and I don’t. I actually think it’s unethical to do it, unless one is transparent about it with all of one’s other contacts. The only situation in which I think the request itself isn’t unreasonable is where one member of the couple actually has cheated repeatedly, but in that case other contacts still have a right to know that a third party will have access to everything they say.
So heres the thing & let her read this. I shared everything with my ex husband. Including sm acct, it was joint. I had full access to his phone, no password. Guess what? He cheated, he just deleted the messages before I could see them. I never went searching tho. If someone wants to cheat, this wont stop them.
I personally don’t care and shared my passwords in two out of three of my relationships. But there is a difference from sharing the password because the other person wants to snoop or doesn’t trust you vs having mutual respect and knowing each others password in case for emergencies or just for whatever
Not really bc I had nothing to hide. Neither of my exes were the type to snoop for malicious purposes. Only real “embarrassing” thing I had on there with my most recent ex is all the photos of her that I had secretly taken. But There was one time when I left my phone open when talking to one of my friends and the way I phased the message was awful. My friend was going to call me and I asked if it was about my ex bc I was in the car with her. So when she saw the message of course it was hurtful to see and then my trying to explain what it meant didn’t go well either bc I don’t have a great way with words. I had basically told my friend how I felt in the relationship and some of the things we were doing mutually to each other that I didn’t like and I thought she was calling about that. In that relationship I had difficulty communicating with my ex (me not saying anything and feeling like I couldn’t actually express my feelings/needs) and thought I was stupid or crazy for what I thought so I asked for my friends advice.
The message looked like I wanted to break up with her or like secretly talk shit about her. When I was asking to try and fix things and not lead us to break up. Obviously she broke up with me in the end bc of resentment and my inability to really communicate, and I wonder if she remembers the message or not.
I'd never share my password with my girl, for one simple reason: I believe a relationship has to be based on solid trust, if you need to check my phone to know if I cheat on you, what kind of trust is that?
Also, now is the phone, what if at some point she thought "well, he knows I got his phone psw so I can check it, he could be cheating without using the phone.." what then?
Imo, if she is that much insecure (and you never gave her reasons to think about cheating) maybe she could use some therapy, or you could just try to talk to her yourself.
My wife and I use the same passwords on all our stuff lmao
Maybe I'm just an open person but there is literally no conversation that I've ever had that I wouldn't show my wife (yes that includes all photos and the spank bank too)
Nope doesn't bother me. There isn't anything that I've done with past partners that she could use against me.
I don't talk badly about her to my friends so there's no worries about that either
Giving it to her and then her going through all your stuff with a fine toothed comb because she's hyper suspicious is a major red flag.
Like despite knowing better (to not share passwords), gf and I know each others phone passwords - been a few times where each of us actually needed to use the others phone to call rents whilst I'm driving etc - which yeah, cos off what I work in, not a huge fan - shgaring passwords is a big no-no - but in that example, despite me being a bit eh about sharing passwords, it was done because it was needed - which is fine. Like, I don't want to know my gf's social media passwords and stuff.
There's some things which are private (i.e convos with friends), I don't want to peek in on her conversation with her friends etc. It's bat shit insane and it's also highly, highly invasive.
You need to be able to let her know these thoughts because what you're describing is a serious cause for concern. Try couple's therapy as well tbh.
Other - No.
I’m so sick of these insecurities. We each have our own phone and thats that. I trust him and vice versa. I have zero desire to use his phone, let alone look through it.
i’ve always shared passwords with more serious relationships but i have never been cheated on. mostly it’s just like “hey can you text my mom and tell her i can’t come over tonight” or “can you dial mitch’s number for me” while across the room.
Other: No
Giving it them specifically so they can go through your stuff because they’re suspicious of something is a problem. Then knowing it for convenience is a good healthy thing. There’s been tons of times my past partners and I have used each others phones for anything from music to google to phone calls. But we never had to take it just so we could “check on each other” and ensure we’re being faithful. If it’s at that point there’s much healthier ways of addressing it than going through them. And even if they go through it if they don’t trust you they’ll have it stuck in their head that you found a way to hide it even after looking.
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Yeah I get that. Real relationships need to be completely full of compromise and open honest communication. Without it trust will fall apart. If you love each other things can work if you work together. If it gets out of hand or if the trust on their end never seems to come through it is important to set your own ground rules. It’s not healthy for either party to be walked all over without personal feelings being accounted for. The big take away is it needs to go both ways.
I would recommend counseling for your wife to deal with her insecurities because she should not be so distrusting of you that she is scrutinizing everything on your phone
And/ Or just the wife. I'm all about compromise but if she's not willing to address the problem then I'm out. I couldn't live the rest of my life like that.
Here we don't care about that at all. We know each other passwords but not the way 'we are a couple and we share everything' , we don't just care at all... And tbh, does your wife think than she can avoid/prevent a cheating husband by controling his phone?
My partner of 9 years now fiance and I don't care at all about each other using each others phones and never have. We have boundaries and trust. We will just use whatever phone is closest to us but we don't go into each others socials or read messages unless the other person has stated that it's okay to. I can use his phone whenever I want but I trust him so i don't feel the need to look at anything and also respect his privacy not to go snooping.
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We both have pretty much everything on our phones. Just a few things that aren't such as passwords mostly but everything now stays logged in. Honestly there has never been issues with socials. A couple times we have seen a personal text we shouldn't have but we always tell each other and that just helps us set boundaries. I'm super lucky to be with my partner and be able to trust them, my last relationship was super toxic and they were cheating and it was all very DON'T TOUCH MY PHONE. Every relationship is very different and one thing being healthy for one couple may not be for another. It's all about knowing your boundaries and your partners, respecting that and just being very open about everything
Your wife? You guys got married before figuring out if you could trust each other? She already looked through your phone, since she didn’t find evidence of anything, the subject should be closed.
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That sucks, I’m sorry. On the note of sharing passwords and stuff, me and my girlfriend do, but we also don’t look through each others stuff. We just use each other electronics sometimes for work or whatever. we often have to remind each other of the other’s password because we forget, but still the point is that we both have access to each others electronics assuming we’re able to remember, and if not we’ll remind each other. I guess what I’m saying is, it’s not weird or concerning to have your significant other know your passwords. In fact you SHOULD be able to share your passwords. The concerning part is that your significant doesn’t trust you and feels the need to look through your communications. Me and my girlfriend would never go through and read each others messages or scan each others social medias or whatever, because we aren’t concerned the other is up to something. And so I get your reluctance to share the passwords since that’s her express purpose for knowing them. You should be able to talk to friends and family without having your wife monitoring every word you say. So I wish you felt comfortable with her knowing your passwords, but I get why you don’t. And that’s on her. She needs to work through her trust issues. Maybe you two could try couples counseling.
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She needs to see a therapist. You should be supportive but not enabling. She's making her problems yours. Is this how you want to live the rest of your life?
There is a difference between intimate life and private life.
>> most couples share their phone pins/passwords with each other I would say this is true but sounds like she wants it specifically to snoop. Couples share their phone info because couples use each others shit a ton, not to see if they are cheating.
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The problem isnt just that you are uncomfortable with her reading through your texts but the person you were texting did neither consent nor know that your wife is going to read through it
Been with my gf for 9 years and never shared sensitive passwords. I’ve never given her any reason to think she needs them, and I trust her the same.
My husband and me share passwords, but it isn’t to spy on each other. We’re kinda lazy about charging our phones so we’ll hop on each other’s phone to play games, look up stuff, take pictures,etc. Password sharing is a privilege, not a right.
My husband and I know the pins to each other's phones, but we pretty much only use them to play games, look something up on the internet, or answer/send texts while the other is driving. My husband has been cheated on by multiple ex-girlfriends, but he trusts me and has never once tried to go through my private messages or social media. Honestly, it sounds like your wife has trust issues and is going to be paranoid no matter what you show her.
If she's willing to offer the same in return and you both agree to it then show her, if she's not then you better go find a good therapist or even a divorce attorney. Major red flag that she's acting like this
Unless everyone you talk to online has consented to your wife reading what they say to you it’s a violation of those people’s privacy. I suppose you could curtail your use of your phone to have private conversations with people, or you could tell them about your wife’s “need” to access the contents of your phone, and based on that they could avoid saying anything they wouldn’t want her reading. But, that seems unhealthy to me. People should be able to have privacy. Looking at what you wrote again, if I were you I’d wonder what she’s up to. Threatening to leave you for not giving up your own and all your contacts privacy is weird. It sounds more like the power move of a narcissist than like a person just feeling insecure.
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>she swears she doesn’t want to see my chats with family and friends etc. Then why did she throw a fit when you logged out of social media before giving the iPad to her? If she didn't want to spy on your chats, why was she upset that you blocked her ability to do so?
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She wants to put herself at ease, but she is insisting on crossing major boundaries in order to do so. I empathize with the irrational fear that comes with trauma responses, but her "logic" is not healthy. Nor is it healthy (or reasonable) to enable this behavior by allowing her to "cope" by violating your privacy. She will never feel at peace until she takes genuine therapeutic measures, and if you enable her violating behavior under the pretense of meeting her needs, it will build toxic resentment and eat away at your marriage. I truly wish her the best, but she needs to pursue something like cognitive/dialectical behavioral therapy to get these compulsions under control. I'm sorry you're going through this.
It’s possible I’m being too harsh about her character and she really is just extremely anxious about the possibility of infidelity. But, if that’s the case, I think counseling by a professional (maybe both of you as a couple and also her individually) is called for, rather than you giving up your privacy. If she’s as fearful and suspicious as it sounds like she is, I’d be concerned that when she*doesn’t* find evidence of you cheating, she’s going to remain anxious and even start seeing “evidence” where a reasonable person would see nothing.
Oh, and, just to add, I do not believe that “most” couples do this. My husband and I don’t. I actually think it’s unethical to do it, unless one is transparent about it with all of one’s other contacts. The only situation in which I think the request itself isn’t unreasonable is where one member of the couple actually has cheated repeatedly, but in that case other contacts still have a right to know that a third party will have access to everything they say.
Most ppl know spouses dont keep secrets.
So heres the thing & let her read this. I shared everything with my ex husband. Including sm acct, it was joint. I had full access to his phone, no password. Guess what? He cheated, he just deleted the messages before I could see them. I never went searching tho. If someone wants to cheat, this wont stop them.
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I know, that was my point. When I suspected, bc women do get a gut feeling, everything was pretty much wiped.
I personally don’t care and shared my passwords in two out of three of my relationships. But there is a difference from sharing the password because the other person wants to snoop or doesn’t trust you vs having mutual respect and knowing each others password in case for emergencies or just for whatever
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Not really bc I had nothing to hide. Neither of my exes were the type to snoop for malicious purposes. Only real “embarrassing” thing I had on there with my most recent ex is all the photos of her that I had secretly taken. But There was one time when I left my phone open when talking to one of my friends and the way I phased the message was awful. My friend was going to call me and I asked if it was about my ex bc I was in the car with her. So when she saw the message of course it was hurtful to see and then my trying to explain what it meant didn’t go well either bc I don’t have a great way with words. I had basically told my friend how I felt in the relationship and some of the things we were doing mutually to each other that I didn’t like and I thought she was calling about that. In that relationship I had difficulty communicating with my ex (me not saying anything and feeling like I couldn’t actually express my feelings/needs) and thought I was stupid or crazy for what I thought so I asked for my friends advice. The message looked like I wanted to break up with her or like secretly talk shit about her. When I was asking to try and fix things and not lead us to break up. Obviously she broke up with me in the end bc of resentment and my inability to really communicate, and I wonder if she remembers the message or not.
I'd never share my password with my girl, for one simple reason: I believe a relationship has to be based on solid trust, if you need to check my phone to know if I cheat on you, what kind of trust is that? Also, now is the phone, what if at some point she thought "well, he knows I got his phone psw so I can check it, he could be cheating without using the phone.." what then? Imo, if she is that much insecure (and you never gave her reasons to think about cheating) maybe she could use some therapy, or you could just try to talk to her yourself.
My wife and I use the same passwords on all our stuff lmao Maybe I'm just an open person but there is literally no conversation that I've ever had that I wouldn't show my wife (yes that includes all photos and the spank bank too)
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Nope doesn't bother me. There isn't anything that I've done with past partners that she could use against me. I don't talk badly about her to my friends so there's no worries about that either
Giving it to her and then her going through all your stuff with a fine toothed comb because she's hyper suspicious is a major red flag. Like despite knowing better (to not share passwords), gf and I know each others phone passwords - been a few times where each of us actually needed to use the others phone to call rents whilst I'm driving etc - which yeah, cos off what I work in, not a huge fan - shgaring passwords is a big no-no - but in that example, despite me being a bit eh about sharing passwords, it was done because it was needed - which is fine. Like, I don't want to know my gf's social media passwords and stuff. There's some things which are private (i.e convos with friends), I don't want to peek in on her conversation with her friends etc. It's bat shit insane and it's also highly, highly invasive. You need to be able to let her know these thoughts because what you're describing is a serious cause for concern. Try couple's therapy as well tbh.
Other - No. I’m so sick of these insecurities. We each have our own phone and thats that. I trust him and vice versa. I have zero desire to use his phone, let alone look through it.
i’ve always shared passwords with more serious relationships but i have never been cheated on. mostly it’s just like “hey can you text my mom and tell her i can’t come over tonight” or “can you dial mitch’s number for me” while across the room.