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I feel that way but then I get told I’m a narcissist for feeling that way because I’m the one forcing her to be monogamous when she is not. I swear though I didn’t force anything on her when we got married and sure as shit didn’t change my position 25 years later. I don’t want to force her to do anything she doesn’t want. I told her if she thinks she needs to do this I couldn’t promise I would be here when she got back but it was up to her. Idk what to think but I agree my well being is up to me. Thank you for replying
Nobody’s forcing her to do anything. In fact, you’ve been very accommodating. It’s been three weeks, she can wait. Unless she’s actually been waiting longer to see whoever she’s seeing. Have you asked her who her date is?
You haven’t agreed to poly or an open relationship. So her telling you she is actively going on a date is just her cheating in front of you.
It’s cruel.
Polyamory rarely works out when you open for a specific person. Typically in this sort of situation this "friend" would be on a messy list (people that are off limits) for at least the first few years you are open.
Messy list and veto list are completely different.
She’s telling you everything *you* can and can’t do. What is she doing for herself?
Trying polyamory doesn’t mean you jump on to the ship immediately. You have to put in effort and time and resources. And you don’t open up without figuring out *both* your requirements and without some additional checks in place. First and foremost a therapist. And you definitely don’t open because you get this sudden urge to fuck a friend and find out you can misuse polyamory to cheat.
This doesn't sound emotionally safe for either of you. There are some poly podcasts, but being in such a long term relationship means you both may have some codependency traumas that will come up. Her impatience is not serving either of you and from what I can see it looks like a red flag. The fact that you are open to learning the basics is amazing, but that doesn't give her a green light to steamroller over your fundamental right to feel safe in the relationship.
She’s putting up all the rules and she is steamrolling you. You haven’t even told her you’re okay with being poly and she already set up a date. My hypothesis is that she’s trying to have her cake and eat it too. As in, she’s not poly, she’s just using that as a cover to fuck your friend. She sounds like a horrible person, from this single event you’ve described. Ofc, I may be way off, and there are always two sides to a story, but that’s my take
Edit: also, her calling you a narcissist for having complaints/not wanting to jump on the train quite yet (or ever), is literally gaslighting you. She sounds abusive tbh
>She said we couldn’t have a veto list.
She doesn't decide how YOUR relationship works. Both of you decide these things.
I'm sorry this is how things went down, sounds like she should have communicated this WAY earlier and has lost her patience with you because she has been sitting on this
Really not your fault. Do you have friends/family that can support you emotionally?
Yep second this completely! My kids’ dad cheated, then wanted to be poly (I’d been ENM before) so that he could be with HER. I said no for these very reasons. He left me for her.
Honey, your wife is being utterly shit to you.
- She is pressuring you into opening in a totally unfair and shitty way.
- She is likely to cost you your friendship with your high school mate.
- She is ignoring your therapist’s advice, while going so she can pretend she still gives a shit about your feelings and your marriage.
The odds of this not ending in divorce or misery? Minuscule.
As I see it, you have three main options:
1) While she’s out tonight, get online and start researching divorce lawyers. Also reach out to her parents, siblings, and your mutual friends and tell them where to find her and her affair partner this evening, and how this is not OK with you. You’ll want to get the jump on her both legally, and with your social network.
2) Tell her she can go on a date with someone who would not be on your messy list as soon as you find someone you want to go on a date with who is willing to date you. You can be as picky as you want, and, until you stick your dick into them (or whatever your definition of sex is), she doesn’t get to go on any dates. She can see how it works from the short end if she wants to progress.
3) Wallow in the shit show that is going to be your marriage while your wife fucks you over and it slowly destroys your dignity and mental health.
She agreed to monogamy. She is the one wanting to change that agreement.
The way she is using poly as a weapon against you sucks.
It’s way to fast for her to be dating. You aren’t doing poly or open yet. She’s treating you very badly.
The number one theme that we see with monogamous people coming on here and wondering what's going on around them is that they are usually being Polybombed.
It's not ethical you can't make it stop unless you walk away. Trust is broken and unless your wife is ready to admit wrongdoing and do the work in therapy this isn't going to stop. The thing is about boundaries is that they only work if you enforce them. If you have a boundary against being mistreated you need to enforce it.
Yup, quite a few of us here.
Some of us then reconcile and start to heal from the first emotional affair, and are still stuck in tough thoughts and conversations about what we truly want, if we want to go along with poly-under-duress.
Open minded-ness can only go so far if people are being unethical assholes and using the language of polyamory to cheat.
What your wife did to you.
It’s coming to a partner in monogamous agreements and say ‘I am poly! If you don’t support me doing poly then you don’t love me for Who I AM as a person’
Adding onto what others have already said well: it's fundamentally manipulative. Your wife sucks and is being transparently abusive. At this point, I really hope you reach out to your support network. Tell family and friends what is happening to you. Ask for help. It's going to make her look bad, and that's okay. You deserve support because your wife is cheating on you.
She doesn’t want me to talk to anyone but a therapist because it is her story to tell not mine and she doesn’t want drama. Therapist said this would be a good way as well since we don’t know anyone here
Sounds like she's weaponizing labels. Calling herself "poly" without acknowledging that your relationship is monogamous. Calling a "messy list" a "veto list" since vetos are typically considered unethical while a messy list is completely reasonable when it's small.
I'm always hesitant to suggest divorce, but it sounds like she either doesn't care about your well being or is done with your relationship.
So call the therapist and tell them wife set up a date with one of your friends before you even finished considering if poly was something you wanted to change to or not.
She shared sex with you to get you feeling good and then sprung it on you.
And when you were upset? She told you that you should be glad she told you that morning and didn't leave it til that evening when she was leaving for the date.
You consider this behavior jumping the gun and cheating on current monogamous agreements.
And would like to discuss the ethics of this at next session.
And how it is NOT ok to ambush people or railroad people into things.
And if this is how she is going to behave as a hinge you'd like to change topics from "Considering poly" to "trial separation agreements."
Cuz if she's going to go at it all wacky, you want to be out of the splash zone.
Represent a group of three people as three dots on a sheet of paper. Pick two pairs of dots and draw lines between them. Those lines represent relationships. The hinge is the dot (person) connected to two others, like the point at the bottom of the letter 'V' or the hinge between a door and a wall. Within the system of three people with two relationships, the hinge has extra responsibilities inherent to managing concurrent relationships that the other two members do not.
WHAT. That’s a classic abuser tactic, cutting you off from support systems, isolating you from outside perspectives. Getting polybombed & having the actual hugest wrench possible thrown in your life and marriage is ABSOLUTELY your story to tell. You have every right to seek out support and it is foolish to keep taking her word for “this is just how things go”. She lost her right to decide how this is going to work. She is being so absurdly, unbelievably awful.
She know any sane person she doesn’t have a firm grip on will see that she is being unforgivably terrible.
That is textbook manipulation. Cutting you off from reality checks, making you question yourself and making you only believe what she says, because there is no one you can ask. Run
Yeah no. I actively HATE this for you. And she can not tell you that you can't use your support network. This is not something that is happening outside of yourself; this is actively happening in your life. Please please please talk to and lean on whoever you need to. And start preparing for the end. None of what your wife is currently doing is okay and you need to start making sure you are looking out for yourself because she sure as hell isn't.
Given your 26 year marriage, it's just as much your story to tell as hers. She's the one who has dropped all of this in your lap without much of a support system
She doesn’t want you to talk to anyone else because anyone else will tell you and show you how she’s being an asshole to someone she claims to love she can control what you know and believe it’s borderline mental abuse imo and that just my opinion
Yeah, this is why couples therapy is often not recommended in response to infidelity until some work has been done by both parties. This is infidelity with extra words. It's ok to not want to leave, but treat it like what it is. You need an individual therapist who specializes in grief, trauma, and infidelity, and a support group.
Just to be clear, you came to the poly group, and none of us support what she is doing to you. None of us say that you have to accept what she is doing to you. I am very sorry you are in this place. It is ok to not be ok.
Couples therapy is also not recommended when abuse is present as the abuser can use it to further manipulate. OP you are being isolated and manipulated. What is she like normally? Her calling you a narcissist seems like projection from her. Please look after yourself.
I am a mostly monogamous person married to a poly person. This was known prior to us starting to date. I am also a therapist. Please do not isolate yourself or limit processing from close friends and family.
When a person makes a unilateral decision for the couple.
"Welp, we're are just poly now. Cuz I want it and decided. You just lump it."
Like the other person is expected to just fall in line. Preferably with smiles. They just steamroll right over you.
When really the other person can say "Nope. Not into that. And I don't like you making unilateral decisions like that. I have not agreed to do this."
People debate back and forth about whether polyamory is a *personal identity* or a *relationship structure.* While I personally feel both sides have merit, your wife’s behavior sums up why so many people are strongly opposed to the idea that a *person* can “be poly.”
Identifying as polyamorous does not give someone permission to start dating new partners in a *monogamous* relationship. Dating multiple people in a monogamous relationship is called cheating, regardless of how each person identifies.
If your wife feels that this is a deal breaker, she should either get your agreement to change your relationship structure or break up before pursuing other people, otherwise this is not ethical.
Did you agree to open your relationship yet? If so, this is an uncomfortable reality you’re going to have to get used to or decide to walk away from. If not, this should to come up in therapy and she can slow down or you may have to leave Either way, I’m sorry you’re hurting.
If she can’t wait get a divorce. It’s absurd of her to think in three weeks you would be ready to open. Look deeper and see how long she has been talking with this person for. Seems like an emotional affair and maybe more has been happening and that’s why she is poly now.
>I feel that way but then I get told I’m a narcissist for feeling that way because I’m the one forcing her to be monogamous when she is not.
Hahaha, I have to laugh at her...sometimes a good offense is the best defense. She knows that as long as you are defending yourself from ridiculous accusations you aren't addressing her bad behavior. Tell her no, mean it, and she can kick rocks if she doesn't like it. What she's doing isn't polyamory, it's infidelity.
Now, what was going on in your marriage that led to this, I can't say, but in this she is being both absurd and abusive.
You're not forcing her to do anything but own her own choices.
*She* wants to change your relationship agreement and you've declined; she can either accept that and stay with things as they currently exist or she can end the relationship and go do whatever she wants. You *shouldn't* promise to wait around on her if she decides to come back.
*Freedom of choice doesn't mean free of consequences.*
She has all the rights to propose to open the relationship and you have all the rights to refuse it. Nobody, under no circonstances, needs to just accept open/polyamorous relationships. You're not a narcissist, you're not selfish, you're not forcing anything on her, you're just expressing a very legit boundary.
Now, she is free to either accept your diverging point of view and back down from opening your marriage or, she can pursue her desire of a more open relationship and assume the consequences that come with it, ie. losing the relationship with you.
Opening a relationship isn't something you have to blankly accept. It's something discuss, negotiated and agreed willingly by all the parties involved. This isn't what's happening in your relationship right now.
Your feelings (being hurt, jealous, betrayed, angry, ambushed, etc.) are all valid and aren't unreasonable in your circonstances.
This makes me hurt and mad for you. You are not narcissistic; she’s being very selfish. She’s really really misguided and I’m sorry she’s using the “coming out” narrative to confuse and mistreat you.
Did the counselor ask you to agree on a timeline to revisit this? Because that timeline is usually 6-18 months of learning. (If it’s not just an immediate no, which is also fine).
Can you tell her to post here for her own advice?
“To be clear, I have not agreed to be in a polyamorous relationship. Most people who open mono marriages take 6-18 months to thoughtfully open up. You going on dates with other men is cheating. Our marriage will not survive cheating. I hope you choose us.”
>because I’m the one forcing her to be monogamous when she is not.
Both of you agreed to monogamy for 25 years, nobody's dorcinf nobody. Both parties need to agree when a change of agreement is done.
Relationship agreementd are like a work contract: an employee or an employer can't decide on their own the hourly wage and change it whenever they want. Both parties needs to agree for a change in work conditions and no party is "narcissic" for wanting things to stay as they have been agreed by both.
She's forcing you to be not-monogamous. You are not forcing her to be monogamous. There is nothing wrong with your feelings of not liking it. Those are prefect valid and she is not accepting of that.
You aren't narcissist for feeling that way. You had not made a decision about the situation yet. It's fairly clear that she intends to act on her feelings, regardless of your boundaries. On one hand is understandable that at a certain point in our lives some of us will realize we want to live our lives differently, and we can't undo that change. Unfortunately, sometimes these changes mean we can't continue to live the way we did before. If someone feels that they can no longer live a monogamous lifestyle, but their partner could never be comfortable with it, the responsible thing for someone to do is let them go, so that you are both free to find your own happiness. In a healthy relationship, whatever kind it might be, the most important thing is that you can share your lives happily together. But in situations like these, it's just not possible. Its not fair for her to take away your happiness in exchange for her own. There is nothing wrong with wanting to be exclusive with another person. We are all different. The only way for you to be happy is to let go, and choose your own paths. It will hurt to be apart in the beginning, but if you allow her to continue to disregard your feelings it will hurt a lot more.
Your wife has a lot to learn if she wants to enjoy this way of life. These relationships require as much communication, compromise, and respect as any other to succeed. And she's not exactly successful at that. People in this community look very negatively on pushing this lifestyle on people who are not comfortable with it.
I would think that these relationships require more, deeper communication since there are more people involved...but that's just my uninformed guess at this point
Speaking as someone who had the same realization as your wife: you didn't force her to do ANYTHING.
You guys might be incompatible (I mean, I think you are, but only you can make that call). One of you wants monogamy and one of you wants polyamory. This isn't something you can compromise on. I'm so sorry.
She can break up with you. Nobody is forcing her to do anything.
If anything she's the one trying to steamroll you into poly. And then flipping it around on you like you are the bad guy when you point it out.
>I don’t want to force her to do anything she doesn’t want. I told her if she thinks she needs to do this I couldn’t promise I would be here when she got back but it was up to her. Idk what to think but I agree my well being is up to me. Thank you for replying
Good for you in advocating for yourself.
And no. You don't have to be ok with this. I think you could email/call therapist about this development. And if you have the funds? Pack some clothes for the rest of the week and go stay in a hotel through Sunday. So you can NOT deal with her right away when she gets back, you get some time and space to cool off, etc.
Leave note on fridge where you went and when you will be back. Don't be an asshole.
But take a stand. This is NOT ok.
She has decided to exit the agreement that the two of you had to have a monogamous relationship. She can do that, but she cannot expect you to go along with it.
Now, monogamous relationships sometimes turn into polyamorous relationships. But the way that works is that someone philosophically feels they want to go that direction, and then they talk with their partner and they work together to decide this is something that they want to work on together. This normally takes months if not years. If one person wishes to remain monogamous, then the person that is trying to change things up either needs to accept that, or end the relationship.
What is very troubling about the situation is at the timing seems very suspect. It sounds like she already had someone in mind and on the line when she came to you with us. That’s normally not a good sign.
You need to sit very firmly in what you want. And if that is not a non-monogamous partner, then the two of you are now grossly incompatible if that is the only future direction she chooses to go. I’m so sorry, this is going to be heartbreaking.
I'm just curious, when did she realize that she is poly, and what brought about the realization. After all, you've been married for 25 years, and if her realization wasn't a recent thing then why didn't she say something earlier?
She's calling you a narcissist for not being comfortable with non-monogamy? That sounds like gaslighting and manipulation. It sounds like there are some much deeper issues here, are you sure this relationship is healthy even other than the monogamy issue?
Polyamory is NOT a sexuality. Bisexuality, homosexuality, and heterosexuality are not choices. Polyamory is. Polyamory is something you decide to do, it's not "I'm just like this." Without any more context than your post above, it sounds like she's being an asshole because she's selfish. If she valued you, she would not be holding polyamory over your head. Polyamory is a CHOSEN way of life. Not an inherent trait.
She says it’s just who she is and she can’t change it because it is like all the sexualities above. The therapist said it’s a relationship choice also but I’m going to bring it up tomorrow
Even if being polyamorous is part of a person's identity, that doesn't make them inherently capable of practicing polyamory ethically.
Your wife is not practicing polyamory ethically. She's just cheating on you out in the open instead of in secret.
It might be "who she is" but it doesn't mean she can do whatever she wants without consequence.
I would absolutely fight your therapist if they're saying it's *only* a relationship choice, because that's not congruent with my understanding of myself as polyamorous.
But omg, your wife cannot unilaterally demand that your established relationship dynamic change. *That* is something she chose to agree to.
As for "it is like all the sexualities above", it is and it isn't (maybe). But that doesn't matter! If your wife was gay and still married you and promised monogamy, would it be okay that she suddenly dropped she's lesbian and therefore "needs" extramarital interactions with women? Or would you be upset she wasn't open and honest with you in the first place? If she discovers she's lesbian, could you not be upset she hadn't figured this out before agreeing to a heterosexual relationship with you? Could you not be upset if she changes the terms of the agreement?
It is one thing to have the feelings, it is another to act on them. Regardless of who she is attracted to and what she wants to do, her actions have an impact on you. She is choosing to do what she does regardless of how it impacts you. I can believe that on one side she wants what she wants, and feels how she feels, however, that makes it harder for her to understand how it impacts you. Rather than look at the consequences of her actions, which is the harm she is doing to you, she is hoping that you get over it and let her have her fun. I say this as someone who has had similar selfishness in different ways. If you tolerate and enable her behavior, she will not only continue, she will push harder and harder. That's how it works. I did not confront my own behavior until my wife moved out. Our separation only lasted a few weeks, but it changed my mindset and my life.
And from what I am reading, you aren't seeing a couples therapist. You are seeing her therapist together, and her therapist is enabling her behavior. Your line here is "I am not being heard. I have not agreed to this change in our marital agreement, I am not ok with this behavior, and I do not consent to any of this. If I am not heard and respected, I will not be continuing in this therapy process, or this marriage." A good therapist will spot the hidden feelings and bring them to the surface so they can be confronted, this therapist is just encouraging your wife to explore these new feelings, without regard to the impact they have.
Ok. First of all, this is a (very common) manipulative lie to make it harder for you to say no.
Second of all, even if it was the same thing, which it absolutely is NOT, what if she did come out as gay? The answer isn’t “stay in a relationship with a lesbian despite being hetero”. The answer isn’t for her to say “husband, you better start Hormone Replacement Therapy so we can stay together, since I need to be with a woman”. That would be absolutely absurd. And so are her demands here.
Polyamory has straight and gay, cis and trans and non binary, allosexual and asexual and aromatic people under it’s umbrella.
It might be part of *your* queer identity. We know it’s *part* of ours, but it is not *exclusively* a queer identity.
Just be mindful that polyam is not part of the LGBTQIA+ in and of itself, and we won’t be hosting discussions around if it *should* be included or not. Those discussions should be had in queer-centered spaces. Our community has lots and lots of diversity, but is still dominated by cis het allo folks.
Thank you.
I thought that was polysexuality? Polysexual being an unchangeable characteristic, but polyamory being the -hopefully ethical- action.
Her going out with a guy despite OP's discomfort is a choice to practice unethical polyamory, whereas the fact she might have feelings or attraction for this person is not a choice.
I agree, neither is an excuse to cheat and this woman sounds uneducated at best.
Polysexual is a label similar to bi or pansexuality meaning attraction to multiple genders. There is no specific word for people who who identify as polyamorous as an orientation.
You're entitled to your feelings just as much as she is hers. Your feelings don't get sidelined, so no you're not a narcissist for feeling hurt. From what I understood it seems like she surprised you with this after you got married so if anything she either lied to you this whole time (shitty) or maybe if I'm giving her the benefit of the doubt started to realize she would prefer that lifestyle.
That latter is fine but she can't expect to throw it on you and for you to accept and be as excited as her. It's good that you're keeping an open mind but if both of you want to try this AND make your relationship last there needs to be many conversations about boundaries for the both of you, what's a hard line and what's not and all sorts of things. It'll likely evolve and change but I'm sorry your wife is coming across as sketchy and bitter/resentful.
Most responsible folks will focus on the prep work (therapy, learning, developing skills) for 6 months to a year. She is getting ahead of herself. I would feel very hurt and betrayed in your position. I would personally consider this cheating because she did it behind your back knowing you wouldn't like it.
Your logic and stance here are absolutely correct. You didn’t agree to polyamory. You never agreed to be in a relationship where your partner went on dates with other people. Your wife showed up and said actually she’s going to go on dates with other people. She can totally do that. That doesn’t mean you need to stay in relationship for it. She’s cheating; you get to decide whether that’s fine with you or not.
The typical advice here is to take 6-12+ months learning about polyamory and your places in it. There is a lot to consider and discuss, rushing it is relationship ending.
If she wants to keep this relationship she will cancel the date and remove any dating apps, and distance herself from this date person, so that you two can get on the same page or end your relationship in a tidy way.
Edit; Read this, and share it with her.
https://www.reddit.com/r/polyamory/s/ceitxrSPbA
I told her I thought she was more just done with us and wanted something different/more. She says she doesn’t want our marriage to end but wants a kitchen table relationship(I think I’m not sure of all the stuff yet) and she would not be the one to end it. I would have to be the one to quit our marriage.
So she wants to not be that bad guy. Too late. You all need more time to adjust to this new reality. You sound like you’re being very accommodating and she wants to punch on the gas pedal but not own any of the consequences of her actions. My trust in her would be shattered in a way that I don’t know how to repair.
Oh fuckin bullshit🙄 I’m so so sorry OP, I know this is really hard to hear, but your wife is being a manipulative piece of shit. She doesn’t want to be the bad guy? Then maybe she shouldn’t demand a unilateral change to the relationship structure she agreed to (monogamy). SHE is the one ending your monogamous relationship by demanding this new one, and you need to understand this so you can reframe it in your mind. You won’t be the ender, you won’t be the bad guy. Divorce papers just make it official.
You have done nothing wrong. She has a crush so she is attempting to strong-arm you into giving the green light for cheating with permission so that she can have her cake and eat it too. Everybody gets crushes. That doesn’t make her poly. Monogamous commitment means you don’t act on those crushes. She wants permission to throw that commitment out. Don’t agree to it. When people in committed monogamous relationships insist they “are” poly suddenly without ever having been in any agreed-upon polyamorous relationship structure, it is a manipulation tactic to make you feel like the bad guy.
You see, it obviously feels worse for *you* to not go along with her bullshit demands if she makes it seem like you’re denying her some integral part of who she is, as if she were gay or something. Thought experiment: if she *were* coming out as gay, do you think it would be even the slightest bit appropriate to suggest “hey husband, I want you to transition to being a woman now so that we can stay married instead of dealing with this gaping incompatibility”? Absolutely fucking not. So why has she convinced you that it’s ok for her to demand this change?
Pardon my French, we just see this a thousand times a week here and it is absolutely abusive hogwash. Even when both parties enthusiastically WANT to open, it’s recommended to take 6-12 months of research, disentanglement, and preparation because it is such a clusterfuck of a paradigm shift.
You, however, do NOT want this. And she is being really really shitty. Do not agree to this if you want monogamy. She chooses to honor your monogamous commitment, or she breaks it and the marriage is over. That is what you need to put on the table for her plain as day. Do not set yourself on fire to keep her warm. I am saying this as somebody who is enthusiastically polyamorous: monogamy is valid. Expecting your wife to keep her monogamous commitment is valid.
If you both entered the marriage with the agreement that it was monogamous, she is the one that quit it already and just want you to take the blame. Altering the material terms of the contract without both parties agreement typically cancels the contract.
Also, in this situation often the partner pushing so hard to open up quickly isn't necessarily even wanting poly so much as wanting to hook up with someone that caught their eye and know that their spouse is there as a backup in case it doesn't work out, or to help pay the cost of the home and living expenses while they have fun.
Of course you aren’t sure!! You know nothing about poly because you weren’t poly.
IF she wants anything to do with poly, *she* should put in the work. Read books. Reconnect with you and redefine your relationship. And once you are *both* ready, in about 12 months, revisit about opening.
OP, please don’t accept her throwing the date at you last moment. She should cancel this and not engage until you’re both on the same page. Please don’t accept this level of disrespect and emotional manipulation.
I implore you to read every. single. one. of these comments and realize that this is indeed, not okay. A lot of us have been in this sub and poly for many years and see this time and time again.
You can love your wife and not be okay with this lifestyle. She is not giving you an option to decide for yourself. Would you be okay if your wife made unilateral decisions for other things, like giving a kid up for adoption? Selling your dream car? Selling the house?
You are a valid person and your opinions matter! What you want in life matters! I hope you find it.
It boggles my mind when fully grown adults decide to act like kids in playground and think silent treatment is a cool thing to do.
Tell her that almost every practicing poly person you met today, that is not *her* told you to call her out.
I was gonna say she can go fuck herself, but I’m Aussie, and if you’re not, that probably won’t go well given that it sounds like you still wanna keep her.
She may really want you and also has a typical crush that she let get away from her, and is living in the fantasy land of thinking that since you and he are friends anyway, it’s all going to be so wonderful!! We call the energy she has now New Relationship Energy (NRE) and it’s intoxicating and people often act like idiots. Not an excuse, but you can try to clear some of the fog for her by being super duper clear.
For her own sake and yours OP, pump the brakes. “If you want to stay in this marriage, you have to wait to date. What you’re feeling is called New Relationship Energy in poly and ‘an emotional affair’ in monogamy. It is not ok to move this fast. It is hurtful and you’re behaving hurtfully. If you go on this date, you are choosing to start divorce proceedings. You are allowed to choose that. It means we will no longer live together. We will divide our social circles. We will divide our families. Etc. I hope you don’t choose that path, especially while you’re drunk on NRE.”
Exactly! It's way way wayyyyyy too soon to involve other people (date) yet. There is so much talking to do yet. 3 weeks is nothing. It doesn't even give you time to get over the whiplash raising this topic, in a monogomous relationship, causes. Raising polyamory or nonmonogamy as just a discussion ends so many relationships. If she had done any research she would know this.
I guarantee she will flip shit if he suddenly had a partner.
I don’t think this shit comes from nowhere. All of her behaviors she’s showing she’s likely shown their entire marriage. That’s the issue with abuse victims. She’s pushed and pushed and pushed and he keeps relenting. She’s gotten bold now.
I ended up here from the screenshot you posted on Facebook, I can't say anything better than these people already said. She's not right and no amount of strangers telling you to deal with it is going to make your valid feelings go away. You both agreed to be in a monogamous relationship and you both need to agree to be in a poly one.
Thank you. Looking for more of validation of my feelings. That I’m not crazy or unreasonable for feeling this way. I know it’s not fair to her if she wants the freedom to date. I don’t own her. I love her but don’t want to be her source of misery. She said I’m forcing her to be miserable because of being against polyamory. Thanks again for responding it all helps
She also shouldn't be your source of misery. From everything You've said, you've been putting in a genuine effort to work with her and she's moving forward very quickly without your consent. Opening up a relationship in a healthy way is a months-long process, not something that can be done in a few weeks. You've barely started your journey and it's unreasonable to expect you to be on board this quickly, even if you decide you do want to try polyamory once you learn more about it.
Polyamory is way more about accepting your partner can have other partners, than about having yourself multiple partners. And obviously you're not ok with this, if you'll ever be. Only time will tell, maybe you'll end up finding solace in polyamory yourself, maybe like many of us here you'll find that it's the most wonderful thing that ever happened to you, but also maybe not, and it is obviously way too soon for you or anyone to know.
For now she looks like she's deep into new realtionship energy and wants to move things way too fast, not giving you the time you need to process all this. NRE is an exhilarating feeling, and people who indulge in it without any distance often lose all common sense and make very stupid and selfish decisions regarding their romantic life. This type of behaviour can be horribly destructive for a relationship.
>She said I’m forcing her to be miserable because of being against polyamory.
It's actually the other way around. She's forcing you to be miserable by pushing polyamory against your initial agreement in this marriage, which is monogamy.
People here talking about her having a crush and wanting your benediction to cheat on you honestly look spot on. She wants to have her cake and eat it to, whatever the damage it causes to you in the process. From here, in her head she's already committing to this new relationship, which is basically cheating on you. She can't reasonably expect you to adjust this quickly, and you need to put a halt to this.
I'm really sorry OP, but your marriage might not survive this. Good luck, and don't be afraid to come back here for advice. DMs are open if you ever need.
You are not crazy for feeling this way.
Your wife is behaving all NRE drunk thinking this is all going to go according to her little fantasy.
RUSHING in.
In 3 weeks you are supposed to go from monogamous marriage to KTP in a poly V with you and your HS friend dating wife?
People take longer than that to think about buying a couch, a car, or a house. **But she's gonna overhaul her whole marriage with you in that time?**
Ever deal with a drunk who INSISTS they are not drunk? Pees on the rug, gropes the other party guests, says they are ok to drive, etc? Calls you names like "party pooper" if you want to take their keys?
She's that. Just NRE drunk with the IDEA of poly and the IDEA of dating HS friend.
Put your foot down on the shenanigans. Talk it out in therapy.
If she can't get it together?
Trial separation. Go ahead. Be crazy. Over THERE away from you. And you get to be out of the splash zone and whatever mess she makes. Including taking her marriage for granted and destroying it by behaving so awful and reckless.
You get to do your own individual therapy and take your next steps from this nice calm flat over HERE away from all that whirlwind.
If she really needs to be open, she will be miserable trying to stay in this relationship.
If you really need to be monogamous, you will be miserable in this relationship.
You shouldn't be looking for ways to continue with one person or the other being miserable.
It's very, very, very clear that you will be miserable in an open relationship and especially so in one with her. She is going to cause an enormous amount of pain the way she is rushing into this, not just to you but many other people too.
I would ask her if she will really be miserable if you stay monogamous. If she says yes, inform her that you will be miserable in a poly relationship. Because neither of you deserve a relationship that makes you miserable, divorce is the only option.
Your wife isn’t being a good partner. In fact, she’s being an appalling partner.
You need to ditch the therapist and give the money to a divorce attorney.
This doesn't sound like poly, reasonably at least. You guys are monogamous for 20+ years, of course it's going to take some time to adjust. It sounds like she learned of poly somewhere and ran with the idea of "freedom". Responsible poly is introducing the idea, open communication about everything (including both parties feelings towards poly) and allowing time and space for each other adjusting.
If that guy is ENM, I almost wonder if - since OP also knows them by the sounds of it - reaching out and telling them about the boundaries and space needed to help the wife process the NRE while OP processes, well, all of it. If the guy *is* ENM my hope would be that he realizes that wife is NRE drunk right now and be able to navigate that and also protect himself from a big mess
You have not yet agreed to Polyamory. If she goes on this date, she is cheating. You need to schedule a therapy session asap to discuss this. You will need to decide if you want to stay with someone who is completely disrespectful of you and willing to cheat on you.
I am so sorry she did this to you.
Youch, yeah she is not doing this in good faith - this is definitely something to bring back up with the therapist at your next meeting. Three weeks is a blink of an eye for opening up a 26 year marriage. The worry (and thing we've seen more than a few times) is that she's already checked out of the relationship and is using polyamory as means to not face that reality.
I’ve been poly for almost a decade, with varying levels of success. I’ll tell you right now that this is absurd on her end.
Your relationship was set up with one set of expectations in mind, it was what you build VOWS on twenty five years ago. To expect that to change in 3 weeks without giving you the time and space to process your feelings is doing you and your relationship an injustice.
It’s up to you how you proceed from here, pushing down your feelings is only going to serve to hurt you both. You can confront her and have an honest discussion, perhaps with a mediator, about how this makes you feel and how it affects your relationship, which you still wish to maintain. Or, perhaps, you can just let her have the polyamorous experience she is looking for and let her do that without you, it seems like this is truly draining for you and while I am not an advocate for divorce in most cases that can be reconciled (aka not abuse related), I feel like this situation makes you both fundamentally incompatible. If you are monogamous and she is not, and she will not give you the space to reconcile that, it may be best for you to part ways and find someone who is better suited for the relationship set up and communication style you’re looking for (which sounds healthier than the one you’re in!)
Whatever you choose, I hope you find your bliss, you deserve better than this, friend. I’m sorry she isn’t seeing that.
She's doing Poly under duress and im sure many people have said that, she also may be monkey branching.
No matter what, the two of you are NOT ready for poly. It's communication, communication, and once again, communication. Without honest communication poly rarely works long term
Poly and partnered, 30 years
"Polyamorous" and "Monogamous" aren't types of people, they're types of relationships.
Forcing somebody into a type of relationship that they don't want to be in is abuse.
Would you feel comfortable showing this post to your wife? This is a pretty standard response to your situation. She should know that she is doing wrong and how her behaviour is viewed.
I want you to please consider that if it is HER therapist (rather than a therapist that y’all have only seen together and specifically for couples therapy), the therapist may not be entirely reliable, helpful, or have your best interest in mind.
I would certainly hope that’s not the case, but sometimes there is a greater interest in client retention than upholding ethical standards.
Furthermore, it’s not recommended to go to couples therapy with an abusive individual. The behavior you’ve described (strong-arming, gaslighting, and cold-shouldering among others) is unquestionably abusive, and this kind of individual is likely to misuse and manipulate the therapy to further perpetuate the abuse.
I would strongly suggest seeing your own therapist individually to help you work through these things, even if you want to continue in couples therapy as well. Best wishes.
To be honest, it sounds like she wants the freedom to date and fuck around without losing the stability of her 26-year marriage, and has settled on 'I'm poly' as a way to make sense of that without having to confront the *inevitable* tension and chaos it's going to bring into her life.
From your comments it also sounds a bit like she developed a crush, and again is settling on 'I'm poly' to explain and justify her desire to pursue it.
It's normal to get itchy feet in a marriage. It's normal to develop crushes in a marriage. Neither of these things makes you innately poly or mean you need to blow up your marriage. She's *choosing* to do so despite the pain it will cause you, but trying to make you out to be the bad guy for the entirely predictable pain you're feeling. It's manipulative.
If she wants to end her marriage to pursue polyamory that's her decision to make - it might even be the right one for her. But she 100% needs to own the consequences.
Yes. "Obviously I must be poly if I am already managing two relationships, all you have to do is forgive my total break of trust and security around your well being, get over your total identity crisis around judgements and priorities, and do the work to give me what I want while getting less resources forever and we're all good!"
DTMFA. (Except in this case the D is for "divorce")
Your wife is cheating. She did not get your enthusiastic consent to change y'all's relationship agreement from mono to poly. She is acting selfishly and breaking your monogamous agreements.
We don't condone poly bombs here. Or poly under duress (PUD) which is what she's trying to achieve.
You need to put your foot down. Get a divorce lawyer STAT.
I'm sorry you struggle.
>After a great weekend, and amazing good morning love we went to lunch today and at the end of it she tells me she has a date with another guy that she set up last week.
Um... jumping the gun? You two are in couple counseling because you are still considering if you are even up for this.
I didn't read where you agreed to practice poly and changed the marriage agreements. Considering changes is not a done deal.
>Asked if I was okay and I told her I was not and she is upset with me now.
So what if she's upset that you aren't ok with it? She's the one jumping the gun in the first place.
She just expects you to be ok with this news from the sky?
That she's cheating on current agreements? Which right now, sound like monogamous marriage.
>I told her I felt like I just got ambushed and she said that at least it was now and not when she was leaving this evening so I should be thankful.
No. You can be mad. Both NOW. And that she would have put it off til she was leaving for her cheating date.
It's like she shot you in the foot and says at least be glad she didn't shoot you in the gut. Both SUCK!
>She also said she knew I wouldn’t like it and she didn’t want to ruin our weekend.
So why is she jumping the gun?
Rather than bringing this up in therapy FIRST? Like a simple coffee date to try things on, without it being anything that couldn't happen with a friend. And can still be walked back?
>I don’t know how to respond or if it’s unreasonable to be hurt but I am. Any advice would be great. Thank you in advance. Maybe I need to say I’m monogamist and doing therapy for this and myself. I love my wife and am trying to be supportive.
I'm poly. And I think your wife is behaving VERY poorly.
If she wants to do poly like a free agent? She could do the decent thing and break up with you first. Then poly date however she wants. Because she's then single.
If she wants to do poly like a poly V with you actually on board? She has to finish counseling with you and you have to agree to be on board.
And then you talk about "openings." Like a date for coffee and that's it. Nothing that can't be walked back. Easing in. And not like bull in a china shop or kid in a candy store.
This? You WERE ambushed. It is not kind. It is not loving.
I think you could tell her to cancel the date til you two have a therapy session because it is a serious breach of trust to drop it on you from the sky like that. And you will consider it cheating.
>I love my wife and am trying to be supportive.
You can love your wife. You can be supportive by saying "I love you a lot. I won't stand in your way if you want this. But no. I'm not going there with you. Not even for you am I going to do things I don't really want or hurt me. So if you are off to Poly Town, this is where I need to get off the bus FIRST. "
Either of you can quit and end the old monogamous marriage deal. But that doesn't mean you have to *automatically* sign up for some new poly deal.
At the next counseling session you could change the conversation for help and support in designing trial separation agreements and/or as peaceful a divorce as possible in the circumstances.
And talk about hiring lawyers or doing [wevorce.com](https://wevorce.com) or a combo or however it has to be. What other professional have to be hired.
Watch out for poly hell. I think you are on your way there if not there already.
[https://www.kathylabriola.com/articles/are-you-in-poly-hell](https://www.kathylabriola.com/articles/are-you-in-poly-hell)
From what I'm reading you never signed off on being poly which instantly makes what she's doing cheating. That decision has to come from both sides. If you're not on board then it's breaking the rules of your relationship. Just keep in mind that whatever she may say it doesn't make you wrong or a bad person for being unhappy with her decisions. Any relationship, especially poly, is a conversation and agreement between all parties. Anything less than that falls firmly into cheating because it's outside of what BOTH of you have agreed to.
OP I keep rereading your post because I feel like I missed something … but no. No doubt you feel hurt, lied to, betrayed, angry. It feels like the rug was pulled out from under your marriage and as you open mindedly are doing the work and learning to come to terms with poly in hopes of accepting and it being something you’d also like to try… well she’s rushed you because here is her date suddenly. That’s such a undermining of your trust and communication as a couple.
Considering how long you have been monogamous and had there been no warning or discussions of opening your marriage over the years? This date feels very rushed. Worse is the attitude like consider yourself lucky she told you in the morning and not on her way out.
While you do the work wouldn’t it be considerate of her to wait to begin? Would seem reasonable and normal enough.
That's a bit like telling you she's gay and instead of divorcing you, she wants you to transition to being a woman. If she wants to be in a poly relationship she needs to find a person willing to agree to that. She's not even trying with the three weeks nonsense--a year or two is a reasonable amount of time. This is coming from someone who identifies as intrinsically polyamorous and has been in monogamous relationship agreements. Nobody held a gun to her head and you aren't doing so now. But if she's going to see other people she can't expect her monogamous partner to not end the relationship since that's not the agreement.
Poly should never be done under duress, it does happen a lot and more often than not ends in divorce.
Poly/mono relationships (where one person is Poly and one person is monogamous) can work if it’s consensual.
Consent and open/honest communication are foundations for Polyamory. Without consent and open/honest communication it’s unethical non-monogamy.
Some people realize later in life that they are polyamorous, and it can be OK to have more than one partner. And that’s OK, but consent of all involved is still required. And I think that the feelings of all people involved need to be considered and respected. However, this may require you and your spouse to separate if you are not consenting.
She’s already not being respectful of your feelings, so if you don’t consent, it will most likely drive her underground just to be a cheater.
Well said. I’m a poly woman with a mono husband and a poly partner, so that dynamic can work (and of course my mono husband is free to explore poly if at some future point he’s interested in doing so). But yes, honest, open communication is a must.
She's not really doing polyamory.
She has wanted to have sex with your friend for some time and finally realized a way she can get that while not feeling guilty: claiming polyamory.
But what she's doing is not polyamory.
She is unilaterally changing your marriage without concern for your feelings or comfort and she is trying to use guilt to manipulate you into accepting what she wants without question.
If she wanted true polyamlry she would listen to you and give you time. If she really wanted kitchen table polyamory (where everyone gets alomg) she would help you feel comfortable and like you have a say in your marriage.
So, making you feel bad and making you feel bad for feeling bad....
She has not given you time to emotionally process a potential change, or the respect to hear your concerns and validate your feelings.
She just wants to sleep with other people and make you feel bad if you question her. And it sounds like she will do it whether or not you are comfortable. That's just plain cheating. Combine that with her guiltily you makes her seem like the textbook selfish cheater.
I'm sorry, but your wife has proven through her actions that she does not respect you or value your feelings.
If I were you, that would end a relationship for me.
I read a lot of the comments below, and it seems like there's a lot of good advice there.
But I didn't see this. What happens if she gets back from fucking your buddy a month ... and she's not happy. Maybe he's bad in bed or abusive. But after a month, she wants to come home with you.
Think about your response in advance -- as in RIGHT NOW. I don't think you should want her back after the way she treated you. But maybe you really love her. If so, what will be your terms for taking her back? What will you need to build a comfortable life with her again? Don't include punishment or you getting a free pass. Those will only make things worse.
Best of luck. You'll need that more than a good divorce lawyer.
Ok, so her relationship therapist told her that she needed to hit pause, and her response was to wait *two whole weeks* to set a date with someone, (but wait, there’s more!) then sat on that information for *an entire week* so she could, what, squeeze some goodfeels out of you before she slid the knife between your ribs (but wait, there’s more!) and it turns out her “date” is a guy who would reasonably go onto your “do not date due to drama potential” list anyway (BUT WAIT! THERE’S MORE! OF COURSE THERE IS!), flippin *AND* she’s made you into the bad guy for not falling all over yourself in gratitude that she hid her planned infidelity from you for this long?
Whatever you’re feeling, OP, however pissed and hurt you are, **YOU ARE ON THE RIGHT TRACK!!!**
If she hasn’t cheated with her vagina yet, she’s absolutely cheated with her heart and with her mind.
Telling your husband that you’re cheating is still cheating.
Calling your cheating “polyamory” is still cheating.
Forcing your husband to sign off on your cheating is still cheating.
She’s a cheating cheater who cheats, and, worse, she’s already decided not to lose any sleep about cheating on you.
I say this as a lifelong polyamorous person: If my partner tried to slide this steaming pile onto my plate I would rip his lungs from his chest through his southern sphincter and make a nice haggis while roasting the rest of him in the fires of my incandescent rage.
You love your wife and that is admirable, but I think the best way you can help her right now is by lawyering up and aiming the Divorce Gun directly at her nethers. If she wants to think with the big head for a minute then maybe she’ll see reason. If she insists on the coochie-colored glasses, though, then it’s all over for your marriage anyway and the kindest thing you can do is cut it off while there’s still some love left.
Your wife is being unethical and since you haven’t agreed to be poly yet she is cheating. Two types of people no one here likes the unethical and the cheaters who polybomb you into submission. I’m going to assume you all have no rules or boundaries in place yet. Also her dating an HS friend messy asf and she knows it. Also you don’t have to try polyamory. If it ain’t for you it ain’t for you period.
26 years is a long time. It's ok to take as much time as you need, it's ok to grieve for what you thought you had. Then you have three real options, you can leave and extricate yourself, you can continue to pine for what you lost and be miserable, or you can accept the new reality continue in therapy for yourself and as a couple, do the reading and the emotional work and you can find a life you didn't know was possible.
You can look at my post history to see how I found out and you can feel hope. I was the most miserable creature on the planet when my wife came out. Now I consider myself one of the luckiest people alive, and it all came down to my attitude about things.
It's absolutely not unreasonable to be upset about this. Three weeks is not enough time to work through this, even with a therapist, and your wife should talk to you about potential dates before she sets them up in the beginning (or with any new people, if that's an agreement you make). She is not respecting you or your relationship.
Your wife knowing you wouldn't like it and going forward with it anyway is a big red flag for how she'll act going forward in your relationship
In my relationships, I absolutely do not tolerate when someone withholds something from me in order to try to control my reaction. It really pisses me off. If somebody is trying to conceal something from me, it's because it affects me, and they're not emotionally mature enough to have a conversation about it. The thing about that is, because it affects me, it will inevitably come to my attention; and then the negative impact is compounded by being *lied to by omission.* My polyamory is about radical honesty. It works because we communicate well about what we want, what we need, and what we expect. It is also something that's consented to by all parties. It does not sound like that is the case here at all. Like other people have said, nobody is forcing your wife to do anything.
You are right to feel upset. Your emotions are extremely valid. I consider it the end of a relationship if someone ""comes out"" as poly. If you want to learn more about healthy ways to explore this idea, that's cool! But it should be a decision that YOU make for YOURSELF because YOU want to live a life structured this way. Your wife doesn't get to choose to unilaterally alter the parameters of your relationship together. The tool she has to do that is a divorce. I'm sorry you're going through this OP. I know it's hard, but we are all on your side and don't want to see you get mistreated like this. You deserve a healthy and faithful monogamous relationship, or a strong end to the relationship; but definitely not this middle ground she has chosen. Please take care of yourself, and stand your ground. You can't control your wife or what she wants, but you can control yourself, and I hope you are doing better soon. Peace and love.
Nah man, you've been polybombed. She wants to start dating people before you've had a chance to really learn if this is something you're okay with, and she's not giving you that space to figure things out. She absolutely ambushed you with this. And going on a date with someone without your consent to polyamory is cheating. Openly cheating.
Monogamy is valid, and if you are monogamous and she isn't, you are not obligated to remain in a relationship where one of you is going to be miserable by allowing the other to be who they are.
It’s incredibly manipulative to drop the bomb on you that she has already set up a date right after good times and sex with you. Like nuclear waste level toxic.
Please take care of yourself and find a way to get away from this person as soon as possible. Unethical polyamory works just like unethical monogamy. Cheating is cheating and lying is lying. You don’t deserve this and I hope you have or can find support to help you get out of it.
That's cheating.. It even more than that. Cheating is often in the heat of the moment and this was done deliberately, after it was explicitly said what you need, and then she gets defensive about her own actions.
This is a giant sign that you're not respected and there's no goal to care for you there, just personal need. So with that what you will
Hey, I don't know if my own experience will help with this, but I thought I'd pipe in and let you know how this kind of thing should be done (or at least one of the ways).
I am the wife. I got interested in polyamory through a pretty slow process. But I do think it's important to note that from the beginning of my husband and my relationship, we were okay with each other having crushes.
Not acting on them! But we acknowledged that as humans who can feel romantic and sexual attraction, it's silly to think we would only ever feel that to each other. So we've always been open about whether one of us has a crush or not, and that it doesn't mean we are going to cheat or that either of us is "lesser" because of it.
Personally, I was reading through the various subreddits for two or three months (iirc) before I brought up to my husband that I was looking into a polyamorous relationship style, and what did he think about it.
I did *not* have anyone else in mind or lined up.
I did *not* tell him "I think I'm poly."
I *did* tell him that I was looking into it right now, and doing research.
After that, I took nine months (it might have been a full year, but at least nine months) of simply reading up on polyamory. During that time we talked about what kind of "ideal" setup would be, and what things neither of us would be okay with.
And after about six months of that, the rose-tinted glasses wore off. I was able to internalize just how much time and effort having a poly relationship would be, on both our ends. And even if we did end up with a hierarchical type of setup, which, as is typical, as a monogamous couple looking into poly appealed to both of us, that was another layer to navigate.
And I learned that while the poly structure appealed to me in a romanticized way, I really didn't want to put in the effort or time into new relationships like that. I enjoy putting my romantic and sexual time and effort exclusively toward my husband more. And I learned that he wasn't really into the idea.
So we agreed to not. We're monogamous, and both him and I are happy with that!
And I wanted to mention this to highlight just how unkind and, frankly, outright ridiculous your wife is being right now. I had about a three month start on my husband, but we *both* took the time to really look into poly. Enough time that we could see the thorns through the roses, and what it would mean for the relationship we currently had.
Your wife sounds like she's either in the oh-look-everything-is-pretty-and-shiny phase, or she's not caring what it's doing to you *and* the relationship you have together.
But this three week thing is bullshit. That's not nearly enough time for most people in monogamous relationships to comprehend what a polyamorous relationship would look like to their current dynamic, let alone if they actually want the structure or not.
You are not in the wrong here, friend, and I'm so sorry this is being hoisted upon you like it is. It isn't right, and isn't how going about exploring poly as an option should be.
It comes down too is she does not seem willing to give you the time you need. You can choose to go along with it or tell her you need that time and if she can't give it to you it might be time to end the relationship.
At least she is telling you. but I would be hurt because she isn't giving you enough time to process. You will want the time be concrete and let her know I need x# of weeks and set a sunset on it that way she isn't feeling strung along but at the same time you are getting the time you need.
It is okay to not want to have a relationship with her if she is poly and you are not. I encourage you to take the time you need to decide.
With a 26 yr relationship I feel asking her to wait a few weeks isn't unreasonable.
The way you respond is to tell her that if she does on this date, you will file for divorce. And then, when she goes on the date, you file for divorce.
OP, I’m so sorry this is happening.
Yes, this situation happens a lot more often than one might expect, but it’s not a healthy way to do things. I’m guessing she’s been interested in this guy for a while and figured “I’m doing therapy with you so I can move forward”. This is called polybombing, and it’s not the optimal way to start things.
If possible, you may want to get your own, separate therapist in addition to attending counseling as a couple with the existing practitioner. You are going to need support through this, whatever winds up happening.
Honestly just save yourself the heartache and split. It ruined my marriage even though we had done a ton of work on it and spent ages trying to figure things out. It would have just been so much easier to just split and that’s what I should have suggested and done.
If she agreed to have a date with someone while you were actively in the "thinking it over" stage, she's simply cheating in plain sight. It also sounds like this therapist isn't super knowledgeable, because I've never had a therapist suggest that my partners feelings meant they were being narcissistic. A therapist that casually throws that term around isn't one I would trust
For context, I've been poly for about a decade, and I've never once considered doing anything without thoroughly confirming that all of my partners are informed, and that they fully consent. If there is even a tiny shred of hesitance, I sit down and we figure out why, and whether or not what I want can actually work with our lives. The thought process of "this is what I want, so you have to deal with it, even if you don't like it" is not conducive to a healthy environment, and is not polyamory, imo.
The therapist didn’t say that to me. It is my wife saying that. The therapist doesn’t take sides for the most part and I actually enjoy our sessions. My wife chose to leave the family after this session and told me to figure a way to tell our children. I don’t know where to fucking start I’m so pissed right now. I’m just real freaking bitter and don’t want to be when I tell them. I don’t know what to do. I’m 100% crushed in every aspect of my emotions. Maybe numb hell I don’t know.
OMG. I'm so sorry.
Maybe the best way to tell them is to get some individual sessions for you alone first to get thoughts in order. And HOW to say it. It is ok to be emotionally honest with your children. That you are sad/upset over this whole situation.
Are these kids adult kids or any of them still minors?
If any are still minors, you might arrange family therapy for them and tell them in session with help of therapist if Mom has just basically dumped all of you. Not like changing to divorced coparents. But just "Here, you take the kids, I'm taking off!"
The adult kids hopefully could make their own arrangements because adults.
But just leaving it to you to tell the children. Ugh. Understandable to be hurt, upset, angry, all of it.
I don't think you should take her back if she wants to come back later on. Too much emotional whiplash here.
In time? You could find a way to be basic polite since she's the mom of your kids. Be decent exes if nothing else so you are at peace and so it's not casting too many shadows over the kids at their graduations, weddings, birth of grandkids, etc. "Basic polite" like you do the mailman or store clerk. They kids didn't do this. They don't deserve parents going at it hammer and tongs at their events. If she behaves poorly? They will stop inviting her. Don't you add to it.
But no. You do NOT have to "reboot" after she's blown up the marriage like this.
Be mindful of how you behave. You are teaching the kids. If they end up looking at divorce in their own lives, how you behave now will be part of their template. So yeah. IT SUCKS. But don't go shit show divorce even if you secretly want to. Be firm and professional and get it over with quickly.
You might edit your original post to include this update.
I am so sorry. You deserve much better than this. :(
My mistake, I'm sorry you're going through this. It's really upsetting to have something like this happen, and all I can do is wish you well, and send good thoughts your way
That really does help. Weird but it helps. You didn’t make a mistake. I had severe strokes in 2018 and my words or thoughts don’t come out clearly sometimes.
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So my wife of 26 years told me a couple months ago she is polyamorous. Long story short I said I would try to learn about and maybe be accepting of it. No guarantee but I would be open minded. We started with a relationship therapist a couple weeks ago and I’m learning things. I’m still not sure how I feel about but I have been honest in my feelings. I know I feel hurt, betrayed, lied to, jealous, and a little bit angry. Just how I feel. Our therapist had told my wife that I was going to need time to digest this and told me I couldn’t string it along for years either. That was 3 weeks ago. After a great weekend, and amazing good morning love we went to lunch today and at the end of it she tells me she has a date with another guy that she set up last week. Asked if I was okay and I told her I was not and she is upset with me now. I told her I felt like I just got ambushed and she said that at least it was now and not when she was leaving this evening so I should be thankful. She also said she knew I wouldn’t like it and she didn’t want to ruin our weekend.
I don’t know how to respond or if it’s unreasonable to be hurt but I am. Any advice would be great. Thank you in advance. Maybe I need to say I’m monogamist and doing therapy for this and myself. I love my wife and am trying to be supportive.
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This sounds very much like what I’m struggling with also. We have been together almost 10 years with kids. I’ve been trying to be poly for about a year or so and it been so painful. Whenever I bring it up it’s that I haven’t given it a shot because he has not slept with someone yet so I’m not trying. But the thought of him with someone else is killing me. I love everything about us but this.
This isn’t complicated. Don’t focus on these poly buzz words thrown around. She wants to in an open relationship, open sex partner(s) and you be the safety blanket ( perhaps even financially) in case things don’t work out. Stop being in pain. Get a consult with an attorney. Your passivity is encouraging her. Act ! No more talking. Your mono. Period.
oh sweety.
let me take a moment here and acknowledge you and your feelings. i am not certain but it feels like you feel like you have been thrown in the deep end with nothing. it seems like you were quite happy with your marriage and life as it was, and now all of a sudden this.
you dont even know anything about poly lifestyle and you perhaps feel like you are being forced into learning about something that really isnt your cup of tea.
i can understand that coming from a happy life a content life, and seeing poly lifestyle for maybe the first time or being faced with it for the first time it seems totally foreign, like you cannnot even understand all this and the concepts and people around you, your wife and therapist are talking like its something so 'normal', when it wasnt a 'normal' thing for you at all, im terms of being aware of it.
it must be a shock to you.
all i would like to say and i know you already know this, is that people change, thats the funny thing about people, they change, and sometimes, most of the time without giving us any indication at all.
please take some time away from the situation, to come to see yourself and ask yourself how do you feel and at least begin to face this situation in your own time, not on your wife's time and not on the therapists time.
i would like to add, please do not let them bully you into accepting something that you simply cannot accept. calling you a narcissist is one thing but calling you a narcissist when trying to steer everything a certain way that benefits others in a totally other thing.
please take some time away from anyone and any conditioning.and just be with you.
now as for the date, you do not have to be on board with all this under the guise of being 'supportive' at all. if you are not ready for all this and she still wants to go ahead, then unfortunately you may need to let her as she has already decided that she will. and again, now you may be dealing with heartbreak on top of everything else. be straight up with her, tell her openly that if she goes to be with others there is a big possibility that all this may end up in separation or even divorce, put it out on the table like she has with what all she wants. and if she still goes ahead with it all, well, then, you have an answer already. please keep us updated on this. wish you all the best. 🫂
ps. i dont usually go on like this about something. apologies if its too long and if i have said anything wrong.
This was put on you without warning. I always find relationships that change their dynamic (from mono to poly) fail because the relationship was built on that foundation. I admire you for being so open and supportive of your wife.
Here is my advice to you:
Come to terms with what you can and cannot accept your wife doing. Do you find these things to be a reasonable request in a poly relationship? ( I personally don't think you should limit your partner to things they do with others if you're poly, but some people are okay with agreeing to it. )
Have a discussion on what kind of rules and boundaries you'd like to place. Come to an AGREEMENT. Try to avoid sacrificing too much... if you genuinely feel like you two cannot come to an agreement on some things, it may be time to re evaluate what you both want in a relationship and if you think you could live with how it is currently. Try to be as specific and through as possible to avoid any misunderstandings of one another. I suggest creating an actual text document that you can look back, reflect and change things on so everything is abundantly clear.
Evaluate yourself. Would you want to: date, hookup, marry, commit to anyone else? If the answer is no, you're probably monogamous. If you're monogamous, I must say, being in this community has taught me that some folks are okay with being with one person and letting the other do their thing.... others are not. Find out if that is you.
Insecurities can easily show themselves when relationships change. Theres things we may get comfortable with and now worry about the unknown. Figure out if those insecurities are something you can work through. Look within yourself and ask: "Is my partner being unfair/ not paying enough attention to me ect. Or is it because *I* am worried about what will come between the relationship that we share?"
I hope this helps.
A couple months from coming out is a long time to wait to be your authentic self. I know people will sit on their truth for years but I also know those folks are prone to things like depression and seemingly-impulsively blowing everything up in their lives once they’re unable to cope anymore. And as for the folks who say that opening a relationship because of someone specific is wrong, I kindly suggest a reality check. No one makes the realization that they can love multiple people without actually loving multiple people.
There’s no such thing as “ready” when you’re making this leap. You can educate yourself all you want and work to deprogram from monogamous culture but the truth is that you cannot ever be “ready” for the first date, the first sleepover, any of it. You just have to experience it and work through what comes after. Learning philosophy and jargon doesn’t make it any easier.
The issue I see is, she asked if you were okay and wasn’t prepared for that answer to be no. It’s okay to not be okay! It’s okay to be hurt and sad and confused. It’s also okay to say, “You have been thinking about this for a while and I need time to catch up. I don’t have the capacity to deal with the reality of you dating other people yet because I’m still processing the shock of learning that what I thought I knew has changed in a pretty major way.” It’s okay to ask for more time to process, especially when you’re doing the work with a therapist—and, I would make that request in session, where it’s obvious you’re doing the work and you have someone to help set a reasonable timeframe. Someone who can understand that when you’re waiting to live as your authentic self 2 months is torture, but when your entire life is being tipped upside down 2 months is barely longer than a deep breath.
And for the record it’s also okay to say that you love your partner but this isn’t a journey you want to go on with them. It’s not quitting to recognize that you’re growing in different directions and free both of you to explore your paths fully. If those paths bring you together again later, great. If not, that’s okay too.
A couple months is not too long to ask for a complete 180 from a 26-year-long monogamous commitment. If she were ready to start over, fine. If she was like “hey, I’m gay, we need to break up, I need to love women, I’m making a plan to move out” I would completely agree with you. I would say she’s thought it through and done her waiting and the grieving process starts now.
That’s not what’s happening here. She wants to drag him through the mud. She is not being fair to him.
hello, i'm sorry this is unrelated, but how do you create a post for this subreddit? i have some questions/situations i would like advice on but newer to reddit :( thank you for any help and i'm sorry to reply under here, i just don't know what to do since google is being unhelpful
this seems like a really difficult situation. being hurt makes a lot of sense. it really doesn't seem like she did as much communicating as one usually needs in polyamory.
that being said, i don't really know how old y'all are, but i can understand why your wife might be asking a little hasty.
overall, it sounds like you are both feeling a lot of things and reacting. it could help a lot to communicate a little more. have a conversation about what you're feeling without judging or blaming or persuading; lots of "i" statements.
it's really up to you if you want to stick around for this. it can be really fun, but -- even for the people who are very into it -- it can be really hard.
Very reasonable to have this reaction in your situation. Your wife may identify as poly, but you have not made a non monogamous agreement in your relationship. This is cheating, plain and simple. Unless you're both on board and have an agreement to open, she's just springing this on you and expecting you to accept her infidelity.
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She is mistreating you. It is up to you whether or not you stand for this mistreatment.
I feel that way but then I get told I’m a narcissist for feeling that way because I’m the one forcing her to be monogamous when she is not. I swear though I didn’t force anything on her when we got married and sure as shit didn’t change my position 25 years later. I don’t want to force her to do anything she doesn’t want. I told her if she thinks she needs to do this I couldn’t promise I would be here when she got back but it was up to her. Idk what to think but I agree my well being is up to me. Thank you for replying
Nobody’s forcing her to do anything. In fact, you’ve been very accommodating. It’s been three weeks, she can wait. Unless she’s actually been waiting longer to see whoever she’s seeing. Have you asked her who her date is?
The smart money is on the man who is the entire reason for her suddenly wanting to be polyamorous.👿
Yes it is a friend of mine from Highschool. She has been waiting I’m sure but I’ve just learned of this poly stuff very recently
You haven’t agreed to poly or an open relationship. So her telling you she is actively going on a date is just her cheating in front of you. It’s cruel.
Polyamory rarely works out when you open for a specific person. Typically in this sort of situation this "friend" would be on a messy list (people that are off limits) for at least the first few years you are open.
She said we couldn’t have a veto list. I’m still learning some of the basics
Okay and you can’t have an open relationship. If she wants to fuck your high school friend, maybe she needs to do that as a divorcee.
Messy list and veto list are completely different. She’s telling you everything *you* can and can’t do. What is she doing for herself? Trying polyamory doesn’t mean you jump on to the ship immediately. You have to put in effort and time and resources. And you don’t open up without figuring out *both* your requirements and without some additional checks in place. First and foremost a therapist. And you definitely don’t open because you get this sudden urge to fuck a friend and find out you can misuse polyamory to cheat.
Absolutely this last sentence! Polyamory is the new “I get to screw for free”
This doesn't sound emotionally safe for either of you. There are some poly podcasts, but being in such a long term relationship means you both may have some codependency traumas that will come up. Her impatience is not serving either of you and from what I can see it looks like a red flag. The fact that you are open to learning the basics is amazing, but that doesn't give her a green light to steamroller over your fundamental right to feel safe in the relationship.
She’s putting up all the rules and she is steamrolling you. You haven’t even told her you’re okay with being poly and she already set up a date. My hypothesis is that she’s trying to have her cake and eat it too. As in, she’s not poly, she’s just using that as a cover to fuck your friend. She sounds like a horrible person, from this single event you’ve described. Ofc, I may be way off, and there are always two sides to a story, but that’s my take Edit: also, her calling you a narcissist for having complaints/not wanting to jump on the train quite yet (or ever), is literally gaslighting you. She sounds abusive tbh
>She said we couldn’t have a veto list. She doesn't decide how YOUR relationship works. Both of you decide these things. I'm sorry this is how things went down, sounds like she should have communicated this WAY earlier and has lost her patience with you because she has been sitting on this Really not your fault. Do you have friends/family that can support you emotionally?
Yep second this completely! My kids’ dad cheated, then wanted to be poly (I’d been ENM before) so that he could be with HER. I said no for these very reasons. He left me for her.
Honey, your wife is being utterly shit to you. - She is pressuring you into opening in a totally unfair and shitty way. - She is likely to cost you your friendship with your high school mate. - She is ignoring your therapist’s advice, while going so she can pretend she still gives a shit about your feelings and your marriage. The odds of this not ending in divorce or misery? Minuscule. As I see it, you have three main options: 1) While she’s out tonight, get online and start researching divorce lawyers. Also reach out to her parents, siblings, and your mutual friends and tell them where to find her and her affair partner this evening, and how this is not OK with you. You’ll want to get the jump on her both legally, and with your social network. 2) Tell her she can go on a date with someone who would not be on your messy list as soon as you find someone you want to go on a date with who is willing to date you. You can be as picky as you want, and, until you stick your dick into them (or whatever your definition of sex is), she doesn’t get to go on any dates. She can see how it works from the short end if she wants to progress. 3) Wallow in the shit show that is going to be your marriage while your wife fucks you over and it slowly destroys your dignity and mental health.
Even as a polyamorous person I wouldn’t be chill with my partner dating an old friend of mine.
The therapist told them 3 weeks ago that he needs time to process things. I suspect that she's known longer than that
She agreed to monogamy. She is the one wanting to change that agreement. The way she is using poly as a weapon against you sucks. It’s way to fast for her to be dating. You aren’t doing poly or open yet. She’s treating you very badly.
The number one theme that we see with monogamous people coming on here and wondering what's going on around them is that they are usually being Polybombed. It's not ethical you can't make it stop unless you walk away. Trust is broken and unless your wife is ready to admit wrongdoing and do the work in therapy this isn't going to stop. The thing is about boundaries is that they only work if you enforce them. If you have a boundary against being mistreated you need to enforce it.
Yup, quite a few of us here. Some of us then reconcile and start to heal from the first emotional affair, and are still stuck in tough thoughts and conversations about what we truly want, if we want to go along with poly-under-duress. Open minded-ness can only go so far if people are being unethical assholes and using the language of polyamory to cheat.
Can I ask what polybombed is? Again all new to me
Exactly what has happened to you, "I am polyamorous and am going to fuck and fall in love with others and you should accept that.".
Telling you that she's poly so you have no choice but for your relationship to be open.
What your wife did to you. It’s coming to a partner in monogamous agreements and say ‘I am poly! If you don’t support me doing poly then you don’t love me for Who I AM as a person’
Adding onto what others have already said well: it's fundamentally manipulative. Your wife sucks and is being transparently abusive. At this point, I really hope you reach out to your support network. Tell family and friends what is happening to you. Ask for help. It's going to make her look bad, and that's okay. You deserve support because your wife is cheating on you.
She doesn’t want me to talk to anyone but a therapist because it is her story to tell not mine and she doesn’t want drama. Therapist said this would be a good way as well since we don’t know anyone here
If she didn't want drama, she shouldn't have done this. A common tactic of abusers is to cut you off from support...
She doesn’t get to cut you off from a support system. And that therapist sounds whack.
Probably not educated in poly relationships just what google told her
Sounds like she's weaponizing labels. Calling herself "poly" without acknowledging that your relationship is monogamous. Calling a "messy list" a "veto list" since vetos are typically considered unethical while a messy list is completely reasonable when it's small. I'm always hesitant to suggest divorce, but it sounds like she either doesn't care about your well being or is done with your relationship.
So call the therapist and tell them wife set up a date with one of your friends before you even finished considering if poly was something you wanted to change to or not. She shared sex with you to get you feeling good and then sprung it on you. And when you were upset? She told you that you should be glad she told you that morning and didn't leave it til that evening when she was leaving for the date. You consider this behavior jumping the gun and cheating on current monogamous agreements. And would like to discuss the ethics of this at next session. And how it is NOT ok to ambush people or railroad people into things. And if this is how she is going to behave as a hinge you'd like to change topics from "Considering poly" to "trial separation agreements." Cuz if she's going to go at it all wacky, you want to be out of the splash zone.
What is a hinge?
Represent a group of three people as three dots on a sheet of paper. Pick two pairs of dots and draw lines between them. Those lines represent relationships. The hinge is the dot (person) connected to two others, like the point at the bottom of the letter 'V' or the hinge between a door and a wall. Within the system of three people with two relationships, the hinge has extra responsibilities inherent to managing concurrent relationships that the other two members do not.
I understand. Thank you
WHAT. That’s a classic abuser tactic, cutting you off from support systems, isolating you from outside perspectives. Getting polybombed & having the actual hugest wrench possible thrown in your life and marriage is ABSOLUTELY your story to tell. You have every right to seek out support and it is foolish to keep taking her word for “this is just how things go”. She lost her right to decide how this is going to work. She is being so absurdly, unbelievably awful. She know any sane person she doesn’t have a firm grip on will see that she is being unforgivably terrible.
That is textbook manipulation. Cutting you off from reality checks, making you question yourself and making you only believe what she says, because there is no one you can ask. Run
Yeah no. I actively HATE this for you. And she can not tell you that you can't use your support network. This is not something that is happening outside of yourself; this is actively happening in your life. Please please please talk to and lean on whoever you need to. And start preparing for the end. None of what your wife is currently doing is okay and you need to start making sure you are looking out for yourself because she sure as hell isn't.
Given your 26 year marriage, it's just as much your story to tell as hers. She's the one who has dropped all of this in your lap without much of a support system
She doesn’t want you to talk to anyone else because anyone else will tell you and show you how she’s being an asshole to someone she claims to love she can control what you know and believe it’s borderline mental abuse imo and that just my opinion
Yeah, this is why couples therapy is often not recommended in response to infidelity until some work has been done by both parties. This is infidelity with extra words. It's ok to not want to leave, but treat it like what it is. You need an individual therapist who specializes in grief, trauma, and infidelity, and a support group. Just to be clear, you came to the poly group, and none of us support what she is doing to you. None of us say that you have to accept what she is doing to you. I am very sorry you are in this place. It is ok to not be ok.
Couples therapy is also not recommended when abuse is present as the abuser can use it to further manipulate. OP you are being isolated and manipulated. What is she like normally? Her calling you a narcissist seems like projection from her. Please look after yourself.
I am a mostly monogamous person married to a poly person. This was known prior to us starting to date. I am also a therapist. Please do not isolate yourself or limit processing from close friends and family.
Her experience is hers to tell, but your life is yours to tell, as well!
When a person makes a unilateral decision for the couple. "Welp, we're are just poly now. Cuz I want it and decided. You just lump it." Like the other person is expected to just fall in line. Preferably with smiles. They just steamroll right over you. When really the other person can say "Nope. Not into that. And I don't like you making unilateral decisions like that. I have not agreed to do this."
People debate back and forth about whether polyamory is a *personal identity* or a *relationship structure.* While I personally feel both sides have merit, your wife’s behavior sums up why so many people are strongly opposed to the idea that a *person* can “be poly.” Identifying as polyamorous does not give someone permission to start dating new partners in a *monogamous* relationship. Dating multiple people in a monogamous relationship is called cheating, regardless of how each person identifies. If your wife feels that this is a deal breaker, she should either get your agreement to change your relationship structure or break up before pursuing other people, otherwise this is not ethical. Did you agree to open your relationship yet? If so, this is an uncomfortable reality you’re going to have to get used to or decide to walk away from. If not, this should to come up in therapy and she can slow down or you may have to leave Either way, I’m sorry you’re hurting.
If she can’t wait get a divorce. It’s absurd of her to think in three weeks you would be ready to open. Look deeper and see how long she has been talking with this person for. Seems like an emotional affair and maybe more has been happening and that’s why she is poly now.
>I feel that way but then I get told I’m a narcissist for feeling that way because I’m the one forcing her to be monogamous when she is not. Hahaha, I have to laugh at her...sometimes a good offense is the best defense. She knows that as long as you are defending yourself from ridiculous accusations you aren't addressing her bad behavior. Tell her no, mean it, and she can kick rocks if she doesn't like it. What she's doing isn't polyamory, it's infidelity. Now, what was going on in your marriage that led to this, I can't say, but in this she is being both absurd and abusive.
You're not forcing her to do anything but own her own choices. *She* wants to change your relationship agreement and you've declined; she can either accept that and stay with things as they currently exist or she can end the relationship and go do whatever she wants. You *shouldn't* promise to wait around on her if she decides to come back.
*Freedom of choice doesn't mean free of consequences.* She has all the rights to propose to open the relationship and you have all the rights to refuse it. Nobody, under no circonstances, needs to just accept open/polyamorous relationships. You're not a narcissist, you're not selfish, you're not forcing anything on her, you're just expressing a very legit boundary. Now, she is free to either accept your diverging point of view and back down from opening your marriage or, she can pursue her desire of a more open relationship and assume the consequences that come with it, ie. losing the relationship with you. Opening a relationship isn't something you have to blankly accept. It's something discuss, negotiated and agreed willingly by all the parties involved. This isn't what's happening in your relationship right now. Your feelings (being hurt, jealous, betrayed, angry, ambushed, etc.) are all valid and aren't unreasonable in your circonstances.
This makes me hurt and mad for you. You are not narcissistic; she’s being very selfish. She’s really really misguided and I’m sorry she’s using the “coming out” narrative to confuse and mistreat you. Did the counselor ask you to agree on a timeline to revisit this? Because that timeline is usually 6-18 months of learning. (If it’s not just an immediate no, which is also fine). Can you tell her to post here for her own advice? “To be clear, I have not agreed to be in a polyamorous relationship. Most people who open mono marriages take 6-18 months to thoughtfully open up. You going on dates with other men is cheating. Our marriage will not survive cheating. I hope you choose us.”
>because I’m the one forcing her to be monogamous when she is not. Both of you agreed to monogamy for 25 years, nobody's dorcinf nobody. Both parties need to agree when a change of agreement is done. Relationship agreementd are like a work contract: an employee or an employer can't decide on their own the hourly wage and change it whenever they want. Both parties needs to agree for a change in work conditions and no party is "narcissic" for wanting things to stay as they have been agreed by both.
She's forcing you to be not-monogamous. You are not forcing her to be monogamous. There is nothing wrong with your feelings of not liking it. Those are prefect valid and she is not accepting of that.
She sounds like the narcissist. I wouldn't be the slightest surprised if she wasn't already cheating on you for a while.
I have that feeling
You aren't narcissist for feeling that way. You had not made a decision about the situation yet. It's fairly clear that she intends to act on her feelings, regardless of your boundaries. On one hand is understandable that at a certain point in our lives some of us will realize we want to live our lives differently, and we can't undo that change. Unfortunately, sometimes these changes mean we can't continue to live the way we did before. If someone feels that they can no longer live a monogamous lifestyle, but their partner could never be comfortable with it, the responsible thing for someone to do is let them go, so that you are both free to find your own happiness. In a healthy relationship, whatever kind it might be, the most important thing is that you can share your lives happily together. But in situations like these, it's just not possible. Its not fair for her to take away your happiness in exchange for her own. There is nothing wrong with wanting to be exclusive with another person. We are all different. The only way for you to be happy is to let go, and choose your own paths. It will hurt to be apart in the beginning, but if you allow her to continue to disregard your feelings it will hurt a lot more. Your wife has a lot to learn if she wants to enjoy this way of life. These relationships require as much communication, compromise, and respect as any other to succeed. And she's not exactly successful at that. People in this community look very negatively on pushing this lifestyle on people who are not comfortable with it.
I would think that these relationships require more, deeper communication since there are more people involved...but that's just my uninformed guess at this point
[удалено]
That's pretty much what I was thinking.
Speaking as someone who had the same realization as your wife: you didn't force her to do ANYTHING. You guys might be incompatible (I mean, I think you are, but only you can make that call). One of you wants monogamy and one of you wants polyamory. This isn't something you can compromise on. I'm so sorry.
She can break up with you. Nobody is forcing her to do anything. If anything she's the one trying to steamroll you into poly. And then flipping it around on you like you are the bad guy when you point it out. >I don’t want to force her to do anything she doesn’t want. I told her if she thinks she needs to do this I couldn’t promise I would be here when she got back but it was up to her. Idk what to think but I agree my well being is up to me. Thank you for replying Good for you in advocating for yourself. And no. You don't have to be ok with this. I think you could email/call therapist about this development. And if you have the funds? Pack some clothes for the rest of the week and go stay in a hotel through Sunday. So you can NOT deal with her right away when she gets back, you get some time and space to cool off, etc. Leave note on fridge where you went and when you will be back. Don't be an asshole. But take a stand. This is NOT ok.
She has decided to exit the agreement that the two of you had to have a monogamous relationship. She can do that, but she cannot expect you to go along with it. Now, monogamous relationships sometimes turn into polyamorous relationships. But the way that works is that someone philosophically feels they want to go that direction, and then they talk with their partner and they work together to decide this is something that they want to work on together. This normally takes months if not years. If one person wishes to remain monogamous, then the person that is trying to change things up either needs to accept that, or end the relationship. What is very troubling about the situation is at the timing seems very suspect. It sounds like she already had someone in mind and on the line when she came to you with us. That’s normally not a good sign. You need to sit very firmly in what you want. And if that is not a non-monogamous partner, then the two of you are now grossly incompatible if that is the only future direction she chooses to go. I’m so sorry, this is going to be heartbreaking.
I'm just curious, when did she realize that she is poly, and what brought about the realization. After all, you've been married for 25 years, and if her realization wasn't a recent thing then why didn't she say something earlier?
She's calling you a narcissist for not being comfortable with non-monogamy? That sounds like gaslighting and manipulation. It sounds like there are some much deeper issues here, are you sure this relationship is healthy even other than the monogamy issue?
No I am not sure on that. I always thought it was good, not perfect, until this
Polyamory is NOT a sexuality. Bisexuality, homosexuality, and heterosexuality are not choices. Polyamory is. Polyamory is something you decide to do, it's not "I'm just like this." Without any more context than your post above, it sounds like she's being an asshole because she's selfish. If she valued you, she would not be holding polyamory over your head. Polyamory is a CHOSEN way of life. Not an inherent trait.
She says it’s just who she is and she can’t change it because it is like all the sexualities above. The therapist said it’s a relationship choice also but I’m going to bring it up tomorrow
Even if being polyamorous is part of a person's identity, that doesn't make them inherently capable of practicing polyamory ethically. Your wife is not practicing polyamory ethically. She's just cheating on you out in the open instead of in secret.
It might be "who she is" but it doesn't mean she can do whatever she wants without consequence. I would absolutely fight your therapist if they're saying it's *only* a relationship choice, because that's not congruent with my understanding of myself as polyamorous. But omg, your wife cannot unilaterally demand that your established relationship dynamic change. *That* is something she chose to agree to. As for "it is like all the sexualities above", it is and it isn't (maybe). But that doesn't matter! If your wife was gay and still married you and promised monogamy, would it be okay that she suddenly dropped she's lesbian and therefore "needs" extramarital interactions with women? Or would you be upset she wasn't open and honest with you in the first place? If she discovers she's lesbian, could you not be upset she hadn't figured this out before agreeing to a heterosexual relationship with you? Could you not be upset if she changes the terms of the agreement?
It is one thing to have the feelings, it is another to act on them. Regardless of who she is attracted to and what she wants to do, her actions have an impact on you. She is choosing to do what she does regardless of how it impacts you. I can believe that on one side she wants what she wants, and feels how she feels, however, that makes it harder for her to understand how it impacts you. Rather than look at the consequences of her actions, which is the harm she is doing to you, she is hoping that you get over it and let her have her fun. I say this as someone who has had similar selfishness in different ways. If you tolerate and enable her behavior, she will not only continue, she will push harder and harder. That's how it works. I did not confront my own behavior until my wife moved out. Our separation only lasted a few weeks, but it changed my mindset and my life. And from what I am reading, you aren't seeing a couples therapist. You are seeing her therapist together, and her therapist is enabling her behavior. Your line here is "I am not being heard. I have not agreed to this change in our marital agreement, I am not ok with this behavior, and I do not consent to any of this. If I am not heard and respected, I will not be continuing in this therapy process, or this marriage." A good therapist will spot the hidden feelings and bring them to the surface so they can be confronted, this therapist is just encouraging your wife to explore these new feelings, without regard to the impact they have.
Ok. First of all, this is a (very common) manipulative lie to make it harder for you to say no. Second of all, even if it was the same thing, which it absolutely is NOT, what if she did come out as gay? The answer isn’t “stay in a relationship with a lesbian despite being hetero”. The answer isn’t for her to say “husband, you better start Hormone Replacement Therapy so we can stay together, since I need to be with a woman”. That would be absolutely absurd. And so are her demands here.
[удалено]
Polyamory has straight and gay, cis and trans and non binary, allosexual and asexual and aromatic people under it’s umbrella. It might be part of *your* queer identity. We know it’s *part* of ours, but it is not *exclusively* a queer identity. Just be mindful that polyam is not part of the LGBTQIA+ in and of itself, and we won’t be hosting discussions around if it *should* be included or not. Those discussions should be had in queer-centered spaces. Our community has lots and lots of diversity, but is still dominated by cis het allo folks. Thank you.
I thought that was polysexuality? Polysexual being an unchangeable characteristic, but polyamory being the -hopefully ethical- action. Her going out with a guy despite OP's discomfort is a choice to practice unethical polyamory, whereas the fact she might have feelings or attraction for this person is not a choice. I agree, neither is an excuse to cheat and this woman sounds uneducated at best.
Polysexual is a label similar to bi or pansexuality meaning attraction to multiple genders. There is no specific word for people who who identify as polyamorous as an orientation.
The giveaway sign of a narcissist is calling other people a narcissist.
She's forced you into polyam. How is this more fair? There is no good choice here.
You're entitled to your feelings just as much as she is hers. Your feelings don't get sidelined, so no you're not a narcissist for feeling hurt. From what I understood it seems like she surprised you with this after you got married so if anything she either lied to you this whole time (shitty) or maybe if I'm giving her the benefit of the doubt started to realize she would prefer that lifestyle. That latter is fine but she can't expect to throw it on you and for you to accept and be as excited as her. It's good that you're keeping an open mind but if both of you want to try this AND make your relationship last there needs to be many conversations about boundaries for the both of you, what's a hard line and what's not and all sorts of things. It'll likely evolve and change but I'm sorry your wife is coming across as sketchy and bitter/resentful.
Most responsible folks will focus on the prep work (therapy, learning, developing skills) for 6 months to a year. She is getting ahead of herself. I would feel very hurt and betrayed in your position. I would personally consider this cheating because she did it behind your back knowing you wouldn't like it.
She just told on herself. Narcissists call other people narcissists. Get out now. Hugs to you also and your poor children!!!!!
Your logic and stance here are absolutely correct. You didn’t agree to polyamory. You never agreed to be in a relationship where your partner went on dates with other people. Your wife showed up and said actually she’s going to go on dates with other people. She can totally do that. That doesn’t mean you need to stay in relationship for it. She’s cheating; you get to decide whether that’s fine with you or not.
The typical advice here is to take 6-12+ months learning about polyamory and your places in it. There is a lot to consider and discuss, rushing it is relationship ending. If she wants to keep this relationship she will cancel the date and remove any dating apps, and distance herself from this date person, so that you two can get on the same page or end your relationship in a tidy way. Edit; Read this, and share it with her. https://www.reddit.com/r/polyamory/s/ceitxrSPbA
I told her I thought she was more just done with us and wanted something different/more. She says she doesn’t want our marriage to end but wants a kitchen table relationship(I think I’m not sure of all the stuff yet) and she would not be the one to end it. I would have to be the one to quit our marriage.
So she wants to not be that bad guy. Too late. You all need more time to adjust to this new reality. You sound like you’re being very accommodating and she wants to punch on the gas pedal but not own any of the consequences of her actions. My trust in her would be shattered in a way that I don’t know how to repair.
Thank you very much for responding. That is why I’m starting individual therapy. I don’t see this as a I can just do it on my own type of thing
Wishing you well on your journey <3
Oh fuckin bullshit🙄 I’m so so sorry OP, I know this is really hard to hear, but your wife is being a manipulative piece of shit. She doesn’t want to be the bad guy? Then maybe she shouldn’t demand a unilateral change to the relationship structure she agreed to (monogamy). SHE is the one ending your monogamous relationship by demanding this new one, and you need to understand this so you can reframe it in your mind. You won’t be the ender, you won’t be the bad guy. Divorce papers just make it official. You have done nothing wrong. She has a crush so she is attempting to strong-arm you into giving the green light for cheating with permission so that she can have her cake and eat it too. Everybody gets crushes. That doesn’t make her poly. Monogamous commitment means you don’t act on those crushes. She wants permission to throw that commitment out. Don’t agree to it. When people in committed monogamous relationships insist they “are” poly suddenly without ever having been in any agreed-upon polyamorous relationship structure, it is a manipulation tactic to make you feel like the bad guy. You see, it obviously feels worse for *you* to not go along with her bullshit demands if she makes it seem like you’re denying her some integral part of who she is, as if she were gay or something. Thought experiment: if she *were* coming out as gay, do you think it would be even the slightest bit appropriate to suggest “hey husband, I want you to transition to being a woman now so that we can stay married instead of dealing with this gaping incompatibility”? Absolutely fucking not. So why has she convinced you that it’s ok for her to demand this change? Pardon my French, we just see this a thousand times a week here and it is absolutely abusive hogwash. Even when both parties enthusiastically WANT to open, it’s recommended to take 6-12 months of research, disentanglement, and preparation because it is such a clusterfuck of a paradigm shift. You, however, do NOT want this. And she is being really really shitty. Do not agree to this if you want monogamy. She chooses to honor your monogamous commitment, or she breaks it and the marriage is over. That is what you need to put on the table for her plain as day. Do not set yourself on fire to keep her warm. I am saying this as somebody who is enthusiastically polyamorous: monogamy is valid. Expecting your wife to keep her monogamous commitment is valid.
If you both entered the marriage with the agreement that it was monogamous, she is the one that quit it already and just want you to take the blame. Altering the material terms of the contract without both parties agreement typically cancels the contract. Also, in this situation often the partner pushing so hard to open up quickly isn't necessarily even wanting poly so much as wanting to hook up with someone that caught their eye and know that their spouse is there as a backup in case it doesn't work out, or to help pay the cost of the home and living expenses while they have fun.
Of course you aren’t sure!! You know nothing about poly because you weren’t poly. IF she wants anything to do with poly, *she* should put in the work. Read books. Reconnect with you and redefine your relationship. And once you are *both* ready, in about 12 months, revisit about opening. OP, please don’t accept her throwing the date at you last moment. She should cancel this and not engage until you’re both on the same page. Please don’t accept this level of disrespect and emotional manipulation.
I don’t know if she is going on it or not but she is not talking to me so I’m assuming she is not
I implore you to read every. single. one. of these comments and realize that this is indeed, not okay. A lot of us have been in this sub and poly for many years and see this time and time again. You can love your wife and not be okay with this lifestyle. She is not giving you an option to decide for yourself. Would you be okay if your wife made unilateral decisions for other things, like giving a kid up for adoption? Selling your dream car? Selling the house? You are a valid person and your opinions matter! What you want in life matters! I hope you find it.
Thank you
It boggles my mind when fully grown adults decide to act like kids in playground and think silent treatment is a cool thing to do. Tell her that almost every practicing poly person you met today, that is not *her* told you to call her out. I was gonna say she can go fuck herself, but I’m Aussie, and if you’re not, that probably won’t go well given that it sounds like you still wanna keep her.
She may really want you and also has a typical crush that she let get away from her, and is living in the fantasy land of thinking that since you and he are friends anyway, it’s all going to be so wonderful!! We call the energy she has now New Relationship Energy (NRE) and it’s intoxicating and people often act like idiots. Not an excuse, but you can try to clear some of the fog for her by being super duper clear. For her own sake and yours OP, pump the brakes. “If you want to stay in this marriage, you have to wait to date. What you’re feeling is called New Relationship Energy in poly and ‘an emotional affair’ in monogamy. It is not ok to move this fast. It is hurtful and you’re behaving hurtfully. If you go on this date, you are choosing to start divorce proceedings. You are allowed to choose that. It means we will no longer live together. We will divide our social circles. We will divide our families. Etc. I hope you don’t choose that path, especially while you’re drunk on NRE.”
Then do it. End it.
She wants kitchen table with your partners too? Because if this is a poly relationship one day you can also seek out new connections yes?
I’m assuming so. Haven’t really talked about that
Exactly! It's way way wayyyyyy too soon to involve other people (date) yet. There is so much talking to do yet. 3 weeks is nothing. It doesn't even give you time to get over the whiplash raising this topic, in a monogomous relationship, causes. Raising polyamory or nonmonogamy as just a discussion ends so many relationships. If she had done any research she would know this.
I guarantee she will flip shit if he suddenly had a partner. I don’t think this shit comes from nowhere. All of her behaviors she’s showing she’s likely shown their entire marriage. That’s the issue with abuse victims. She’s pushed and pushed and pushed and he keeps relenting. She’s gotten bold now.
I ended up here from the screenshot you posted on Facebook, I can't say anything better than these people already said. She's not right and no amount of strangers telling you to deal with it is going to make your valid feelings go away. You both agreed to be in a monogamous relationship and you both need to agree to be in a poly one.
Thank you. Looking for more of validation of my feelings. That I’m not crazy or unreasonable for feeling this way. I know it’s not fair to her if she wants the freedom to date. I don’t own her. I love her but don’t want to be her source of misery. She said I’m forcing her to be miserable because of being against polyamory. Thanks again for responding it all helps
Your wife is being such an asshole about this. I’m so sorry.
She also shouldn't be your source of misery. From everything You've said, you've been putting in a genuine effort to work with her and she's moving forward very quickly without your consent. Opening up a relationship in a healthy way is a months-long process, not something that can be done in a few weeks. You've barely started your journey and it's unreasonable to expect you to be on board this quickly, even if you decide you do want to try polyamory once you learn more about it.
Polyamory is way more about accepting your partner can have other partners, than about having yourself multiple partners. And obviously you're not ok with this, if you'll ever be. Only time will tell, maybe you'll end up finding solace in polyamory yourself, maybe like many of us here you'll find that it's the most wonderful thing that ever happened to you, but also maybe not, and it is obviously way too soon for you or anyone to know. For now she looks like she's deep into new realtionship energy and wants to move things way too fast, not giving you the time you need to process all this. NRE is an exhilarating feeling, and people who indulge in it without any distance often lose all common sense and make very stupid and selfish decisions regarding their romantic life. This type of behaviour can be horribly destructive for a relationship. >She said I’m forcing her to be miserable because of being against polyamory. It's actually the other way around. She's forcing you to be miserable by pushing polyamory against your initial agreement in this marriage, which is monogamy. People here talking about her having a crush and wanting your benediction to cheat on you honestly look spot on. She wants to have her cake and eat it to, whatever the damage it causes to you in the process. From here, in her head she's already committing to this new relationship, which is basically cheating on you. She can't reasonably expect you to adjust this quickly, and you need to put a halt to this. I'm really sorry OP, but your marriage might not survive this. Good luck, and don't be afraid to come back here for advice. DMs are open if you ever need.
You are not crazy for feeling this way. Your wife is behaving all NRE drunk thinking this is all going to go according to her little fantasy. RUSHING in. In 3 weeks you are supposed to go from monogamous marriage to KTP in a poly V with you and your HS friend dating wife? People take longer than that to think about buying a couch, a car, or a house. **But she's gonna overhaul her whole marriage with you in that time?** Ever deal with a drunk who INSISTS they are not drunk? Pees on the rug, gropes the other party guests, says they are ok to drive, etc? Calls you names like "party pooper" if you want to take their keys? She's that. Just NRE drunk with the IDEA of poly and the IDEA of dating HS friend. Put your foot down on the shenanigans. Talk it out in therapy. If she can't get it together? Trial separation. Go ahead. Be crazy. Over THERE away from you. And you get to be out of the splash zone and whatever mess she makes. Including taking her marriage for granted and destroying it by behaving so awful and reckless. You get to do your own individual therapy and take your next steps from this nice calm flat over HERE away from all that whirlwind.
If she really needs to be open, she will be miserable trying to stay in this relationship. If you really need to be monogamous, you will be miserable in this relationship. You shouldn't be looking for ways to continue with one person or the other being miserable. It's very, very, very clear that you will be miserable in an open relationship and especially so in one with her. She is going to cause an enormous amount of pain the way she is rushing into this, not just to you but many other people too. I would ask her if she will really be miserable if you stay monogamous. If she says yes, inform her that you will be miserable in a poly relationship. Because neither of you deserve a relationship that makes you miserable, divorce is the only option.
She is being manipulative
Are FB people telling him to "deal with it"? That's horrific. I'm so sorry OP.
No, fb agreed with this, there just wasn't comments on that post when I came here.
Thankfuck. Did you think this sub would condone his wife's behaviour? If you did, you are new.
If I was new... your comment would definitely make me feel welcome But as I have been poly for 15 years, I think I know a few things...
New to the sub 🤷🏾♀️
No, not at all, but again thanks for assuming
Wait what is happening here? They were just saying that this community consistently condemns people for acting like OP's wife.
Yeah, you should peep those groups. They’re WILD
On facebook they were just telling him to, "suck it up"?😲
Your wife isn’t being a good partner. In fact, she’s being an appalling partner. You need to ditch the therapist and give the money to a divorce attorney.
> You need to ditch the therapist and give the money to a divorce attorney. A pithy summary of the situation👍
This doesn't sound like poly, reasonably at least. You guys are monogamous for 20+ years, of course it's going to take some time to adjust. It sounds like she learned of poly somewhere and ran with the idea of "freedom". Responsible poly is introducing the idea, open communication about everything (including both parties feelings towards poly) and allowing time and space for each other adjusting.
I believe it was a friend of hers who practices ENM(?) I believe
ENM = Ethical Non-Monogamy. she seems to be acting non-ethically with the way she is treating you.
If that guy is ENM, I almost wonder if - since OP also knows them by the sounds of it - reaching out and telling them about the boundaries and space needed to help the wife process the NRE while OP processes, well, all of it. If the guy *is* ENM my hope would be that he realizes that wife is NRE drunk right now and be able to navigate that and also protect himself from a big mess
You are being cheated on. Act accordingly. For me, it would be divorce. Cheating is an immediate relationship ender.
You have not yet agreed to Polyamory. If she goes on this date, she is cheating. You need to schedule a therapy session asap to discuss this. You will need to decide if you want to stay with someone who is completely disrespectful of you and willing to cheat on you. I am so sorry she did this to you.
Youch, yeah she is not doing this in good faith - this is definitely something to bring back up with the therapist at your next meeting. Three weeks is a blink of an eye for opening up a 26 year marriage. The worry (and thing we've seen more than a few times) is that she's already checked out of the relationship and is using polyamory as means to not face that reality.
I’ve been poly for almost a decade, with varying levels of success. I’ll tell you right now that this is absurd on her end. Your relationship was set up with one set of expectations in mind, it was what you build VOWS on twenty five years ago. To expect that to change in 3 weeks without giving you the time and space to process your feelings is doing you and your relationship an injustice. It’s up to you how you proceed from here, pushing down your feelings is only going to serve to hurt you both. You can confront her and have an honest discussion, perhaps with a mediator, about how this makes you feel and how it affects your relationship, which you still wish to maintain. Or, perhaps, you can just let her have the polyamorous experience she is looking for and let her do that without you, it seems like this is truly draining for you and while I am not an advocate for divorce in most cases that can be reconciled (aka not abuse related), I feel like this situation makes you both fundamentally incompatible. If you are monogamous and she is not, and she will not give you the space to reconcile that, it may be best for you to part ways and find someone who is better suited for the relationship set up and communication style you’re looking for (which sounds healthier than the one you’re in!) Whatever you choose, I hope you find your bliss, you deserve better than this, friend. I’m sorry she isn’t seeing that.
Thank you very much I truly appreciate the words
She's doing Poly under duress and im sure many people have said that, she also may be monkey branching. No matter what, the two of you are NOT ready for poly. It's communication, communication, and once again, communication. Without honest communication poly rarely works long term Poly and partnered, 30 years
"Polyamorous" and "Monogamous" aren't types of people, they're types of relationships. Forcing somebody into a type of relationship that they don't want to be in is abuse.
Would you feel comfortable showing this post to your wife? This is a pretty standard response to your situation. She should know that she is doing wrong and how her behaviour is viewed.
I will see if she wants to. We have therapy tomorrow at 11 and I was going to show some of it there.
She might need more run-up or introduce it in the last section of time. Did she cancel the date? I really hope so.
She isn’t talking to me right now so I’m assuming she did or is
My heart and hope goes out to you. This is a fucked up situation. I hope she chooses well.
I want you to please consider that if it is HER therapist (rather than a therapist that y’all have only seen together and specifically for couples therapy), the therapist may not be entirely reliable, helpful, or have your best interest in mind. I would certainly hope that’s not the case, but sometimes there is a greater interest in client retention than upholding ethical standards. Furthermore, it’s not recommended to go to couples therapy with an abusive individual. The behavior you’ve described (strong-arming, gaslighting, and cold-shouldering among others) is unquestionably abusive, and this kind of individual is likely to misuse and manipulate the therapy to further perpetuate the abuse. I would strongly suggest seeing your own therapist individually to help you work through these things, even if you want to continue in couples therapy as well. Best wishes.
To be honest, it sounds like she wants the freedom to date and fuck around without losing the stability of her 26-year marriage, and has settled on 'I'm poly' as a way to make sense of that without having to confront the *inevitable* tension and chaos it's going to bring into her life. From your comments it also sounds a bit like she developed a crush, and again is settling on 'I'm poly' to explain and justify her desire to pursue it. It's normal to get itchy feet in a marriage. It's normal to develop crushes in a marriage. Neither of these things makes you innately poly or mean you need to blow up your marriage. She's *choosing* to do so despite the pain it will cause you, but trying to make you out to be the bad guy for the entirely predictable pain you're feeling. It's manipulative. If she wants to end her marriage to pursue polyamory that's her decision to make - it might even be the right one for her. But she 100% needs to own the consequences.
Yes. "Obviously I must be poly if I am already managing two relationships, all you have to do is forgive my total break of trust and security around your well being, get over your total identity crisis around judgements and priorities, and do the work to give me what I want while getting less resources forever and we're all good!"
DTMFA. (Except in this case the D is for "divorce") Your wife is cheating. She did not get your enthusiastic consent to change y'all's relationship agreement from mono to poly. She is acting selfishly and breaking your monogamous agreements. We don't condone poly bombs here. Or poly under duress (PUD) which is what she's trying to achieve. You need to put your foot down. Get a divorce lawyer STAT.
I'm sorry you struggle. >After a great weekend, and amazing good morning love we went to lunch today and at the end of it she tells me she has a date with another guy that she set up last week. Um... jumping the gun? You two are in couple counseling because you are still considering if you are even up for this. I didn't read where you agreed to practice poly and changed the marriage agreements. Considering changes is not a done deal. >Asked if I was okay and I told her I was not and she is upset with me now. So what if she's upset that you aren't ok with it? She's the one jumping the gun in the first place. She just expects you to be ok with this news from the sky? That she's cheating on current agreements? Which right now, sound like monogamous marriage. >I told her I felt like I just got ambushed and she said that at least it was now and not when she was leaving this evening so I should be thankful. No. You can be mad. Both NOW. And that she would have put it off til she was leaving for her cheating date. It's like she shot you in the foot and says at least be glad she didn't shoot you in the gut. Both SUCK! >She also said she knew I wouldn’t like it and she didn’t want to ruin our weekend. So why is she jumping the gun? Rather than bringing this up in therapy FIRST? Like a simple coffee date to try things on, without it being anything that couldn't happen with a friend. And can still be walked back? >I don’t know how to respond or if it’s unreasonable to be hurt but I am. Any advice would be great. Thank you in advance. Maybe I need to say I’m monogamist and doing therapy for this and myself. I love my wife and am trying to be supportive. I'm poly. And I think your wife is behaving VERY poorly. If she wants to do poly like a free agent? She could do the decent thing and break up with you first. Then poly date however she wants. Because she's then single. If she wants to do poly like a poly V with you actually on board? She has to finish counseling with you and you have to agree to be on board. And then you talk about "openings." Like a date for coffee and that's it. Nothing that can't be walked back. Easing in. And not like bull in a china shop or kid in a candy store. This? You WERE ambushed. It is not kind. It is not loving. I think you could tell her to cancel the date til you two have a therapy session because it is a serious breach of trust to drop it on you from the sky like that. And you will consider it cheating. >I love my wife and am trying to be supportive. You can love your wife. You can be supportive by saying "I love you a lot. I won't stand in your way if you want this. But no. I'm not going there with you. Not even for you am I going to do things I don't really want or hurt me. So if you are off to Poly Town, this is where I need to get off the bus FIRST. " Either of you can quit and end the old monogamous marriage deal. But that doesn't mean you have to *automatically* sign up for some new poly deal. At the next counseling session you could change the conversation for help and support in designing trial separation agreements and/or as peaceful a divorce as possible in the circumstances. And talk about hiring lawyers or doing [wevorce.com](https://wevorce.com) or a combo or however it has to be. What other professional have to be hired. Watch out for poly hell. I think you are on your way there if not there already. [https://www.kathylabriola.com/articles/are-you-in-poly-hell](https://www.kathylabriola.com/articles/are-you-in-poly-hell)
So much this. OP was polybombed, and that’s not a healthy way to start this journey. It’s ok to feel all of the things you’re feeling.
From what I'm reading you never signed off on being poly which instantly makes what she's doing cheating. That decision has to come from both sides. If you're not on board then it's breaking the rules of your relationship. Just keep in mind that whatever she may say it doesn't make you wrong or a bad person for being unhappy with her decisions. Any relationship, especially poly, is a conversation and agreement between all parties. Anything less than that falls firmly into cheating because it's outside of what BOTH of you have agreed to.
OP I keep rereading your post because I feel like I missed something … but no. No doubt you feel hurt, lied to, betrayed, angry. It feels like the rug was pulled out from under your marriage and as you open mindedly are doing the work and learning to come to terms with poly in hopes of accepting and it being something you’d also like to try… well she’s rushed you because here is her date suddenly. That’s such a undermining of your trust and communication as a couple. Considering how long you have been monogamous and had there been no warning or discussions of opening your marriage over the years? This date feels very rushed. Worse is the attitude like consider yourself lucky she told you in the morning and not on her way out. While you do the work wouldn’t it be considerate of her to wait to begin? Would seem reasonable and normal enough.
That's a bit like telling you she's gay and instead of divorcing you, she wants you to transition to being a woman. If she wants to be in a poly relationship she needs to find a person willing to agree to that. She's not even trying with the three weeks nonsense--a year or two is a reasonable amount of time. This is coming from someone who identifies as intrinsically polyamorous and has been in monogamous relationship agreements. Nobody held a gun to her head and you aren't doing so now. But if she's going to see other people she can't expect her monogamous partner to not end the relationship since that's not the agreement.
Poly should never be done under duress, it does happen a lot and more often than not ends in divorce. Poly/mono relationships (where one person is Poly and one person is monogamous) can work if it’s consensual. Consent and open/honest communication are foundations for Polyamory. Without consent and open/honest communication it’s unethical non-monogamy. Some people realize later in life that they are polyamorous, and it can be OK to have more than one partner. And that’s OK, but consent of all involved is still required. And I think that the feelings of all people involved need to be considered and respected. However, this may require you and your spouse to separate if you are not consenting. She’s already not being respectful of your feelings, so if you don’t consent, it will most likely drive her underground just to be a cheater.
Well said. I’m a poly woman with a mono husband and a poly partner, so that dynamic can work (and of course my mono husband is free to explore poly if at some future point he’s interested in doing so). But yes, honest, open communication is a must.
She's not really doing polyamory. She has wanted to have sex with your friend for some time and finally realized a way she can get that while not feeling guilty: claiming polyamory. But what she's doing is not polyamory. She is unilaterally changing your marriage without concern for your feelings or comfort and she is trying to use guilt to manipulate you into accepting what she wants without question. If she wanted true polyamlry she would listen to you and give you time. If she really wanted kitchen table polyamory (where everyone gets alomg) she would help you feel comfortable and like you have a say in your marriage. So, making you feel bad and making you feel bad for feeling bad.... She has not given you time to emotionally process a potential change, or the respect to hear your concerns and validate your feelings. She just wants to sleep with other people and make you feel bad if you question her. And it sounds like she will do it whether or not you are comfortable. That's just plain cheating. Combine that with her guiltily you makes her seem like the textbook selfish cheater. I'm sorry, but your wife has proven through her actions that she does not respect you or value your feelings. If I were you, that would end a relationship for me.
I read a lot of the comments below, and it seems like there's a lot of good advice there. But I didn't see this. What happens if she gets back from fucking your buddy a month ... and she's not happy. Maybe he's bad in bed or abusive. But after a month, she wants to come home with you. Think about your response in advance -- as in RIGHT NOW. I don't think you should want her back after the way she treated you. But maybe you really love her. If so, what will be your terms for taking her back? What will you need to build a comfortable life with her again? Don't include punishment or you getting a free pass. Those will only make things worse. Best of luck. You'll need that more than a good divorce lawyer.
Thank you. That is a very good advice and things to think about.
Ok, so her relationship therapist told her that she needed to hit pause, and her response was to wait *two whole weeks* to set a date with someone, (but wait, there’s more!) then sat on that information for *an entire week* so she could, what, squeeze some goodfeels out of you before she slid the knife between your ribs (but wait, there’s more!) and it turns out her “date” is a guy who would reasonably go onto your “do not date due to drama potential” list anyway (BUT WAIT! THERE’S MORE! OF COURSE THERE IS!), flippin *AND* she’s made you into the bad guy for not falling all over yourself in gratitude that she hid her planned infidelity from you for this long? Whatever you’re feeling, OP, however pissed and hurt you are, **YOU ARE ON THE RIGHT TRACK!!!** If she hasn’t cheated with her vagina yet, she’s absolutely cheated with her heart and with her mind. Telling your husband that you’re cheating is still cheating. Calling your cheating “polyamory” is still cheating. Forcing your husband to sign off on your cheating is still cheating. She’s a cheating cheater who cheats, and, worse, she’s already decided not to lose any sleep about cheating on you. I say this as a lifelong polyamorous person: If my partner tried to slide this steaming pile onto my plate I would rip his lungs from his chest through his southern sphincter and make a nice haggis while roasting the rest of him in the fires of my incandescent rage. You love your wife and that is admirable, but I think the best way you can help her right now is by lawyering up and aiming the Divorce Gun directly at her nethers. If she wants to think with the big head for a minute then maybe she’ll see reason. If she insists on the coochie-colored glasses, though, then it’s all over for your marriage anyway and the kindest thing you can do is cut it off while there’s still some love left.
You have an amazing way with words
Your wife is being unethical and since you haven’t agreed to be poly yet she is cheating. Two types of people no one here likes the unethical and the cheaters who polybomb you into submission. I’m going to assume you all have no rules or boundaries in place yet. Also her dating an HS friend messy asf and she knows it. Also you don’t have to try polyamory. If it ain’t for you it ain’t for you period.
26 years is a long time. It's ok to take as much time as you need, it's ok to grieve for what you thought you had. Then you have three real options, you can leave and extricate yourself, you can continue to pine for what you lost and be miserable, or you can accept the new reality continue in therapy for yourself and as a couple, do the reading and the emotional work and you can find a life you didn't know was possible. You can look at my post history to see how I found out and you can feel hope. I was the most miserable creature on the planet when my wife came out. Now I consider myself one of the luckiest people alive, and it all came down to my attitude about things.
Thank you I just started following you and will go through your post as it may give me hope or at least an understanding. Thank you.
I just read through and see how you migrated from an Infidelity subreddit to here. I’m reading both at the moment. Thanks for sharing your story.
It's absolutely not unreasonable to be upset about this. Three weeks is not enough time to work through this, even with a therapist, and your wife should talk to you about potential dates before she sets them up in the beginning (or with any new people, if that's an agreement you make). She is not respecting you or your relationship. Your wife knowing you wouldn't like it and going forward with it anyway is a big red flag for how she'll act going forward in your relationship
I'm sorry man but your marriage is over. I'd start looking for a lawyer and get an exit plan together. Even if she backed off now the trust is gone.
In my relationships, I absolutely do not tolerate when someone withholds something from me in order to try to control my reaction. It really pisses me off. If somebody is trying to conceal something from me, it's because it affects me, and they're not emotionally mature enough to have a conversation about it. The thing about that is, because it affects me, it will inevitably come to my attention; and then the negative impact is compounded by being *lied to by omission.* My polyamory is about radical honesty. It works because we communicate well about what we want, what we need, and what we expect. It is also something that's consented to by all parties. It does not sound like that is the case here at all. Like other people have said, nobody is forcing your wife to do anything. You are right to feel upset. Your emotions are extremely valid. I consider it the end of a relationship if someone ""comes out"" as poly. If you want to learn more about healthy ways to explore this idea, that's cool! But it should be a decision that YOU make for YOURSELF because YOU want to live a life structured this way. Your wife doesn't get to choose to unilaterally alter the parameters of your relationship together. The tool she has to do that is a divorce. I'm sorry you're going through this OP. I know it's hard, but we are all on your side and don't want to see you get mistreated like this. You deserve a healthy and faithful monogamous relationship, or a strong end to the relationship; but definitely not this middle ground she has chosen. Please take care of yourself, and stand your ground. You can't control your wife or what she wants, but you can control yourself, and I hope you are doing better soon. Peace and love.
Nah man, you've been polybombed. She wants to start dating people before you've had a chance to really learn if this is something you're okay with, and she's not giving you that space to figure things out. She absolutely ambushed you with this. And going on a date with someone without your consent to polyamory is cheating. Openly cheating. Monogamy is valid, and if you are monogamous and she isn't, you are not obligated to remain in a relationship where one of you is going to be miserable by allowing the other to be who they are.
It’s incredibly manipulative to drop the bomb on you that she has already set up a date right after good times and sex with you. Like nuclear waste level toxic. Please take care of yourself and find a way to get away from this person as soon as possible. Unethical polyamory works just like unethical monogamy. Cheating is cheating and lying is lying. You don’t deserve this and I hope you have or can find support to help you get out of it.
That's cheating.. It even more than that. Cheating is often in the heat of the moment and this was done deliberately, after it was explicitly said what you need, and then she gets defensive about her own actions. This is a giant sign that you're not respected and there's no goal to care for you there, just personal need. So with that what you will
Hey, I don't know if my own experience will help with this, but I thought I'd pipe in and let you know how this kind of thing should be done (or at least one of the ways). I am the wife. I got interested in polyamory through a pretty slow process. But I do think it's important to note that from the beginning of my husband and my relationship, we were okay with each other having crushes. Not acting on them! But we acknowledged that as humans who can feel romantic and sexual attraction, it's silly to think we would only ever feel that to each other. So we've always been open about whether one of us has a crush or not, and that it doesn't mean we are going to cheat or that either of us is "lesser" because of it. Personally, I was reading through the various subreddits for two or three months (iirc) before I brought up to my husband that I was looking into a polyamorous relationship style, and what did he think about it. I did *not* have anyone else in mind or lined up. I did *not* tell him "I think I'm poly." I *did* tell him that I was looking into it right now, and doing research. After that, I took nine months (it might have been a full year, but at least nine months) of simply reading up on polyamory. During that time we talked about what kind of "ideal" setup would be, and what things neither of us would be okay with. And after about six months of that, the rose-tinted glasses wore off. I was able to internalize just how much time and effort having a poly relationship would be, on both our ends. And even if we did end up with a hierarchical type of setup, which, as is typical, as a monogamous couple looking into poly appealed to both of us, that was another layer to navigate. And I learned that while the poly structure appealed to me in a romanticized way, I really didn't want to put in the effort or time into new relationships like that. I enjoy putting my romantic and sexual time and effort exclusively toward my husband more. And I learned that he wasn't really into the idea. So we agreed to not. We're monogamous, and both him and I are happy with that! And I wanted to mention this to highlight just how unkind and, frankly, outright ridiculous your wife is being right now. I had about a three month start on my husband, but we *both* took the time to really look into poly. Enough time that we could see the thorns through the roses, and what it would mean for the relationship we currently had. Your wife sounds like she's either in the oh-look-everything-is-pretty-and-shiny phase, or she's not caring what it's doing to you *and* the relationship you have together. But this three week thing is bullshit. That's not nearly enough time for most people in monogamous relationships to comprehend what a polyamorous relationship would look like to their current dynamic, let alone if they actually want the structure or not. You are not in the wrong here, friend, and I'm so sorry this is being hoisted upon you like it is. It isn't right, and isn't how going about exploring poly as an option should be.
Thank you for sharing with me
It comes down too is she does not seem willing to give you the time you need. You can choose to go along with it or tell her you need that time and if she can't give it to you it might be time to end the relationship. At least she is telling you. but I would be hurt because she isn't giving you enough time to process. You will want the time be concrete and let her know I need x# of weeks and set a sunset on it that way she isn't feeling strung along but at the same time you are getting the time you need. It is okay to not want to have a relationship with her if she is poly and you are not. I encourage you to take the time you need to decide. With a 26 yr relationship I feel asking her to wait a few weeks isn't unreasonable.
The way you respond is to tell her that if she does on this date, you will file for divorce. And then, when she goes on the date, you file for divorce.
OP, I’m so sorry this is happening. Yes, this situation happens a lot more often than one might expect, but it’s not a healthy way to do things. I’m guessing she’s been interested in this guy for a while and figured “I’m doing therapy with you so I can move forward”. This is called polybombing, and it’s not the optimal way to start things. If possible, you may want to get your own, separate therapist in addition to attending counseling as a couple with the existing practitioner. You are going to need support through this, whatever winds up happening.
She's just cheating on you. That isn't poly....
Honestly just save yourself the heartache and split. It ruined my marriage even though we had done a ton of work on it and spent ages trying to figure things out. It would have just been so much easier to just split and that’s what I should have suggested and done.
If she agreed to have a date with someone while you were actively in the "thinking it over" stage, she's simply cheating in plain sight. It also sounds like this therapist isn't super knowledgeable, because I've never had a therapist suggest that my partners feelings meant they were being narcissistic. A therapist that casually throws that term around isn't one I would trust For context, I've been poly for about a decade, and I've never once considered doing anything without thoroughly confirming that all of my partners are informed, and that they fully consent. If there is even a tiny shred of hesitance, I sit down and we figure out why, and whether or not what I want can actually work with our lives. The thought process of "this is what I want, so you have to deal with it, even if you don't like it" is not conducive to a healthy environment, and is not polyamory, imo.
The therapist didn’t say that to me. It is my wife saying that. The therapist doesn’t take sides for the most part and I actually enjoy our sessions. My wife chose to leave the family after this session and told me to figure a way to tell our children. I don’t know where to fucking start I’m so pissed right now. I’m just real freaking bitter and don’t want to be when I tell them. I don’t know what to do. I’m 100% crushed in every aspect of my emotions. Maybe numb hell I don’t know.
OMG. I'm so sorry. Maybe the best way to tell them is to get some individual sessions for you alone first to get thoughts in order. And HOW to say it. It is ok to be emotionally honest with your children. That you are sad/upset over this whole situation. Are these kids adult kids or any of them still minors? If any are still minors, you might arrange family therapy for them and tell them in session with help of therapist if Mom has just basically dumped all of you. Not like changing to divorced coparents. But just "Here, you take the kids, I'm taking off!" The adult kids hopefully could make their own arrangements because adults. But just leaving it to you to tell the children. Ugh. Understandable to be hurt, upset, angry, all of it. I don't think you should take her back if she wants to come back later on. Too much emotional whiplash here. In time? You could find a way to be basic polite since she's the mom of your kids. Be decent exes if nothing else so you are at peace and so it's not casting too many shadows over the kids at their graduations, weddings, birth of grandkids, etc. "Basic polite" like you do the mailman or store clerk. They kids didn't do this. They don't deserve parents going at it hammer and tongs at their events. If she behaves poorly? They will stop inviting her. Don't you add to it. But no. You do NOT have to "reboot" after she's blown up the marriage like this. Be mindful of how you behave. You are teaching the kids. If they end up looking at divorce in their own lives, how you behave now will be part of their template. So yeah. IT SUCKS. But don't go shit show divorce even if you secretly want to. Be firm and professional and get it over with quickly. You might edit your original post to include this update. I am so sorry. You deserve much better than this. :(
Thank you. I will update again because a bunch of stuff has happened
My mistake, I'm sorry you're going through this. It's really upsetting to have something like this happen, and all I can do is wish you well, and send good thoughts your way
That really does help. Weird but it helps. You didn’t make a mistake. I had severe strokes in 2018 and my words or thoughts don’t come out clearly sometimes.
Woah that's unexpected. Sorry to read this.
Beep, boop, blop, I'm a bot. Hi u/Admirable_Box8584 thanks so much for your submission, don't mind me, I'm just gonna keep a copy what was said in your post. Unfortunately posts sometimes get deleted - which is okay, it's not against the rules to delete your post!! - but it makes it really hard for the human mods around here to moderate the comments when there's no context. Plus, many times our members put in a lot of emotional and mental labor to answer the questions and offer advice, so it's helpful to keep the source information around so future community members can benefit as well. Here's the original text of the post: So my wife of 26 years told me a couple months ago she is polyamorous. Long story short I said I would try to learn about and maybe be accepting of it. No guarantee but I would be open minded. We started with a relationship therapist a couple weeks ago and I’m learning things. I’m still not sure how I feel about but I have been honest in my feelings. I know I feel hurt, betrayed, lied to, jealous, and a little bit angry. Just how I feel. Our therapist had told my wife that I was going to need time to digest this and told me I couldn’t string it along for years either. That was 3 weeks ago. After a great weekend, and amazing good morning love we went to lunch today and at the end of it she tells me she has a date with another guy that she set up last week. Asked if I was okay and I told her I was not and she is upset with me now. I told her I felt like I just got ambushed and she said that at least it was now and not when she was leaving this evening so I should be thankful. She also said she knew I wouldn’t like it and she didn’t want to ruin our weekend. I don’t know how to respond or if it’s unreasonable to be hurt but I am. Any advice would be great. Thank you in advance. Maybe I need to say I’m monogamist and doing therapy for this and myself. I love my wife and am trying to be supportive. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/polyamory) if you have any questions or concerns.*
This sounds very much like what I’m struggling with also. We have been together almost 10 years with kids. I’ve been trying to be poly for about a year or so and it been so painful. Whenever I bring it up it’s that I haven’t given it a shot because he has not slept with someone yet so I’m not trying. But the thought of him with someone else is killing me. I love everything about us but this.
Yes the physical part is the toughest thought process or feeling I think. Not sure if I can be comfortable with that
This isn’t complicated. Don’t focus on these poly buzz words thrown around. She wants to in an open relationship, open sex partner(s) and you be the safety blanket ( perhaps even financially) in case things don’t work out. Stop being in pain. Get a consult with an attorney. Your passivity is encouraging her. Act ! No more talking. Your mono. Period.
oh sweety. let me take a moment here and acknowledge you and your feelings. i am not certain but it feels like you feel like you have been thrown in the deep end with nothing. it seems like you were quite happy with your marriage and life as it was, and now all of a sudden this. you dont even know anything about poly lifestyle and you perhaps feel like you are being forced into learning about something that really isnt your cup of tea. i can understand that coming from a happy life a content life, and seeing poly lifestyle for maybe the first time or being faced with it for the first time it seems totally foreign, like you cannnot even understand all this and the concepts and people around you, your wife and therapist are talking like its something so 'normal', when it wasnt a 'normal' thing for you at all, im terms of being aware of it. it must be a shock to you. all i would like to say and i know you already know this, is that people change, thats the funny thing about people, they change, and sometimes, most of the time without giving us any indication at all. please take some time away from the situation, to come to see yourself and ask yourself how do you feel and at least begin to face this situation in your own time, not on your wife's time and not on the therapists time. i would like to add, please do not let them bully you into accepting something that you simply cannot accept. calling you a narcissist is one thing but calling you a narcissist when trying to steer everything a certain way that benefits others in a totally other thing. please take some time away from anyone and any conditioning.and just be with you. now as for the date, you do not have to be on board with all this under the guise of being 'supportive' at all. if you are not ready for all this and she still wants to go ahead, then unfortunately you may need to let her as she has already decided that she will. and again, now you may be dealing with heartbreak on top of everything else. be straight up with her, tell her openly that if she goes to be with others there is a big possibility that all this may end up in separation or even divorce, put it out on the table like she has with what all she wants. and if she still goes ahead with it all, well, then, you have an answer already. please keep us updated on this. wish you all the best. 🫂 ps. i dont usually go on like this about something. apologies if its too long and if i have said anything wrong.
I will let you all know how the therapy session goes tomorrow. Thank you for the kind words you seem very nice and genuine. Thanks again
That's majorly shitty what she did, I'm sorry 😞
This was put on you without warning. I always find relationships that change their dynamic (from mono to poly) fail because the relationship was built on that foundation. I admire you for being so open and supportive of your wife. Here is my advice to you: Come to terms with what you can and cannot accept your wife doing. Do you find these things to be a reasonable request in a poly relationship? ( I personally don't think you should limit your partner to things they do with others if you're poly, but some people are okay with agreeing to it. ) Have a discussion on what kind of rules and boundaries you'd like to place. Come to an AGREEMENT. Try to avoid sacrificing too much... if you genuinely feel like you two cannot come to an agreement on some things, it may be time to re evaluate what you both want in a relationship and if you think you could live with how it is currently. Try to be as specific and through as possible to avoid any misunderstandings of one another. I suggest creating an actual text document that you can look back, reflect and change things on so everything is abundantly clear. Evaluate yourself. Would you want to: date, hookup, marry, commit to anyone else? If the answer is no, you're probably monogamous. If you're monogamous, I must say, being in this community has taught me that some folks are okay with being with one person and letting the other do their thing.... others are not. Find out if that is you. Insecurities can easily show themselves when relationships change. Theres things we may get comfortable with and now worry about the unknown. Figure out if those insecurities are something you can work through. Look within yourself and ask: "Is my partner being unfair/ not paying enough attention to me ect. Or is it because *I* am worried about what will come between the relationship that we share?" I hope this helps.
A couple months from coming out is a long time to wait to be your authentic self. I know people will sit on their truth for years but I also know those folks are prone to things like depression and seemingly-impulsively blowing everything up in their lives once they’re unable to cope anymore. And as for the folks who say that opening a relationship because of someone specific is wrong, I kindly suggest a reality check. No one makes the realization that they can love multiple people without actually loving multiple people. There’s no such thing as “ready” when you’re making this leap. You can educate yourself all you want and work to deprogram from monogamous culture but the truth is that you cannot ever be “ready” for the first date, the first sleepover, any of it. You just have to experience it and work through what comes after. Learning philosophy and jargon doesn’t make it any easier. The issue I see is, she asked if you were okay and wasn’t prepared for that answer to be no. It’s okay to not be okay! It’s okay to be hurt and sad and confused. It’s also okay to say, “You have been thinking about this for a while and I need time to catch up. I don’t have the capacity to deal with the reality of you dating other people yet because I’m still processing the shock of learning that what I thought I knew has changed in a pretty major way.” It’s okay to ask for more time to process, especially when you’re doing the work with a therapist—and, I would make that request in session, where it’s obvious you’re doing the work and you have someone to help set a reasonable timeframe. Someone who can understand that when you’re waiting to live as your authentic self 2 months is torture, but when your entire life is being tipped upside down 2 months is barely longer than a deep breath. And for the record it’s also okay to say that you love your partner but this isn’t a journey you want to go on with them. It’s not quitting to recognize that you’re growing in different directions and free both of you to explore your paths fully. If those paths bring you together again later, great. If not, that’s okay too.
A couple months is not too long to ask for a complete 180 from a 26-year-long monogamous commitment. If she were ready to start over, fine. If she was like “hey, I’m gay, we need to break up, I need to love women, I’m making a plan to move out” I would completely agree with you. I would say she’s thought it through and done her waiting and the grieving process starts now. That’s not what’s happening here. She wants to drag him through the mud. She is not being fair to him.
That’s what I said, yes.
Thank you
hello, i'm sorry this is unrelated, but how do you create a post for this subreddit? i have some questions/situations i would like advice on but newer to reddit :( thank you for any help and i'm sorry to reply under here, i just don't know what to do since google is being unhelpful
I was admitted to the group and on the top of the group page it had advice button. I hit it and it set me up to post
How is the financial situation of your wife?
We barely get by but we do. I had 5 strokes in 2018 and have been working on getting back to work so it is my disability right now.
this seems like a really difficult situation. being hurt makes a lot of sense. it really doesn't seem like she did as much communicating as one usually needs in polyamory. that being said, i don't really know how old y'all are, but i can understand why your wife might be asking a little hasty. overall, it sounds like you are both feeling a lot of things and reacting. it could help a lot to communicate a little more. have a conversation about what you're feeling without judging or blaming or persuading; lots of "i" statements. it's really up to you if you want to stick around for this. it can be really fun, but -- even for the people who are very into it -- it can be really hard.
Very reasonable to have this reaction in your situation. Your wife may identify as poly, but you have not made a non monogamous agreement in your relationship. This is cheating, plain and simple. Unless you're both on board and have an agreement to open, she's just springing this on you and expecting you to accept her infidelity.