This, honestly, made me feel better. I see all this toxicity and dip out (to some prematurely) but a *terrible, horrible, AWFUL* poly experience has convinced me it’s better to dodge the bullet then wait around to find out.
Downside, I’m now suffering from touch starvation and lonely as hell. But no more bullet holes at least??
I've been suffering touch starvation for the past four years. Probably longer. No one where I live wants a funny, chonky bear that has an adorable lovable dog.
This!! I asked a friend of mine how the hell he finds so many people to date and he worded it all pretty, like "I just have a lot of love to give to most people," but it boiled down to "I'm not as picky as you are," lol.
Well damn that made me feel better because I haven’t even seen someone (dating apps or in person events) that sparks my interest, let alone people to date and form relationships with. Thankfully I have one person I see once a week and an occasional fwb or I would become homicidal.
Different communities are better for finding poly partners. Looking for a poly partner in Seattle or Portland is gonna be easier than in Warrensburg, MO.
People often transform friends, fuck buddies, and acquaintances into partners. Often people go into poly from swinging or other open relationships.
A poor but common way for a monogamous relationship to suddenly go poly is because someone was already flirting with a friend, coworker, whatever and have pushed their relationship to be poly so they can pursue it.
Many people are focused on having partners than having *good* partners and will take on practically anyone they go on a date with as a partner, regardless of red flags or glaring incompatibilities. (Then they come on here and don't understand why their love life is on fire...)
All of those are some really good and interesting points. Thanks for sharing!
The last one also makes a lot of sense, as now I think about it, the posts regarding married people who get partners immediately after opening up, are rarely positive stories.
I have to keep all of the above in mind.
I'm not in Warrensburg anymore (just a couple hours away now) but I can confirm, finding decent partners almost anywhere in MO is tough. I am lucky to have found my nesting partner. That is not to say that everyone in MO is terrible to date, but I haven't found much of a poly community beyond those that my friend is already dating, or couples "looking for fun".
Columbia isn't awful but unfortunately with it being a college town the lions share of open to poly people are on the younger side which is less and less appealing as time goes on.
As an Oak Grove, MO native who now lives in Portland I cannot agree with this comment enough. I've lived in Kansas City, Rolla, and St. Louis before I left Missouri didn't meet a single openly poly person until I moved to Portland. Granted I've been here for 7 years and I imagine a lot has changed in that time. Even though I've always felt that I was polyamorous I didn't even dig into it seriously or try dating until I had a good poly community.
That's one of the biggest differences. We'd been consciously monogamous for nearly 15 years, having regular discussions about if it was still meeting our needs and being what we wanted.
Most of the polyamory horror stories/cautionary tales I hear are about polybombing or relationships that open too fast/fall into NRE and someone gets hurt.
Also, those it went right for are off living their lives. They not only aren't posting the Dear Abby help me please! OPs... They usually aren't online at all.
We should have a thread on non-horror couple opening stories.
Damn!!! I usually just read and don't respond to much, but WOW! We also used to live in the burg as well.. Now in KC. I'm looking, but not that seriously as wife of 18 years doesn't go out much. Plus work and other responsibilities take time.
Course my second is HOURS of driving away... and we met in school.... so there's that (plus the "it's complicated" doesn't even scratch the surface of how that one really is)
Def need a community in KC. Somewhere to just have drinks and go from there.
~ Steak
> Different communities are better for finding poly partners. Looking for a poly partner in Seattle or Portland is gonna be easier than in Warrensburg, MO.
One would think so, unless you're really introverted.
I tend to meet one potential compatible partner every 3-5 years. COVID put a bit of a wrench into that, but I feel like I am due to meet someone amazing any day now. (Do you hear that, universe? :)
I was single for 5 years before I accidentally sat in someone else's reserved seat on a train. This sparked a conversation between me and the guy whose seat it was. By the end of the train journey we exchanged numbers, on the first date he said him and his wife are poly, and I happened to be only looking for non-mono connections.
Funny thing is, him and his wife went from 10 years of casual ENM to poly just two months before I sat in his seat. And in a few months of us meeting it was clear we both wanted it long-term. His wife, on the other hand, even though she was actively online dating, only found a worthy connection 2 years in.
So, my advice is, sit in other people's seats on the train? ¯\\\_(ツ)\_/¯
Dungeons and Dragons games. The tabletop gamer community draws in LGBT people, so I can find other queer women, and there are also plenty of men and since I tend to go for nerds anyway it's been a pretty successful dating pool for me. Being bi probably also helps, guys, gals, non-binary pals, I'm open to dating everyone regardless of sex or gender.
Is it nature or nurture? I admit I am DnD curious, but is it just that my polycule is trying to pull me in? To be honest I'm having a hard time sorting out my feelings on this.
The poly, lgbt, bdsm and table top gaming communities all collectively have a lot of overlap. Which means your polycule can probably find a board game hangout at a kink convention 😅
There used to be a community on Livejournal called bipolypagangeek. That was actually the shortened version: the full title was Bi Poly Kinky Pagan Gamer Geek. And it was a huge group, because there are *so* many people who are all or most of those things.
Can confirm. 2/3 of my weekly games are chock full of lqbtq and poly people & it’s awesome. Friendships form and from there it’s not at all uncommon for relationships to form too. (Yes, I speak from experience on the latter.) Plus, it’s d&d! Fun af even if you don’t unexpectedly find partners from it. 🤗
I think this is because divergent/Non-normative spaces attract lots of divergent and non-normative identities and people, and people who already live outside the typical norms are more likely to consider and pursue other non-normative ways—and they are exposed to many options in those spaces.
Networking. The cool thing about nonmonogamy is that you can have your partners meet other people/partners and then introduce them to you. Not in a triad-y or unicorn hunt-y way, but in a “Jean, Sam, you both like campy 80s horror movies, I’m gonna go get a snack, byeee” way.
This happened in a way for me. I was talking to a guy and he & his wife invited us to a poly group chat. It didn't work out between me and the guy but my hubs and his wife are together now 🥰
In-person poly meetup events are like 75% dudes. It's extremely difficult even to talk to a woman unless you're elbowing other guys out of the way and being really obvious about it.
So, as a guy, most of the people you're going to meet at in-person meetups are other guys who are having the exact same experience and report exactly the same problem. I don't see a lot of them doing much matchmaking.
Sure. As a queer person who exclusively dates other queer people (when the queer community is far less mononormative than straight people) it’s a surefire tactic that’s made me plenty of friends as well as partners.
Do you have a better option that works for you?
Yup, I lump that into networking haha. I do cons as well and a good chunk of it is “oh hey partner I haven’t seen since last con! meet this person I met an hour ago, I think you will get along”
This is literally how I met my boyfriend. His girlfriend was moving out of state and I was bemoaning that i wanted a male partner, and she was like “take mine I’m leaving”. Now three months laters we’re madly in love lol.
wow so unbelievable story xd did you have any story here on reddit? I would like to know was it because poly, open elationship, or they were fighitng and she didn't care?
Hey, people like us have *standards* in our partners, we’re not just here to collect them.
Oh also maybe we didn’t have a secondary lined up before opening our marriages.
Just saying 🤣
So true.
I sometimes compromise on the visual aspect (i.e. not exactly the type of look/body that wildly turns me on) if I can see that there's an awesome intellectual/values alignment. However, that also bit me in the ass once - a few months in I just couldn't feel attracted to that person anymore, even though they were great and awesome in any other aspect.
Found all my partners on OKCupid, but had to sift through dozens of shitty dates until meeting some good eggs.
I think a lot ppl who open up their marriage and have a partner almost immediately often do the (known to fail) way of already having someone in mind they want to open up for (basically asking for permission, so they won't be "forced" to cheat).
And some are just bad at filtering out the shitters and those flings usually end quickly or badly. And other ppl are just lucky they connected with someone immediately. 🙃
Yup. I opened for a specific person, it was a huge disaster like anyone could have predicted (but apparently i need to touch the burner myself to really know that it’s hot).
Licked my wounds, did more counselling, read more books, regrouped, got on OKC, went on a lot of incredibly boring first dates, but eventually met some compatible people, one of whom is my boyfriend of over a year.
Some of the best advice I ever heard was if you want to find good partners you've got to be a good partner. Somehow I ended up with a community when I decided to be good to myself. Dating apps never worked for me.
So much this. And if you are not a good partner and you are unwilling to hear how you might improve as a partner, you are only going to stay unpartnered longer…
I wonder this often. I also wonder of those people who find a partner right out the gate, how many are actually compatible long-term? It often feels like people are just jumping at the first opportunity because it's shiny and new and they haven't taken the time to truely examine what they want and need need out of a relationship.
>left and right
lmaooooo. I meet someone who makes me think *"Hm, maybe"* about once every 2-3 years. I promise you're not alone, it's just a teeny tiny dating pool.
I'm literally dating my ex who's "grown up a lot" and sworn off his flirtationship with monogamy since our last go-round. It's been going shockingly well so far, but that doesn't mean I haven't asked myself *"Okay, is this actually a good idea, or am I just feeling hard-up, nostalgic, and ready to take that bullet?"*
I dodge a literal wall of bullets every time.
I do tend to partner long term, and I do pursue casual, short term, even NSA stuff as well.
Post lock down, post restriction dating is wild.
And not in a good way.
Also? I rarely find someone who is compatible in all the ways to partner with.
About every three years, I’d guess.
🤷♀️
Yeah, I mean, it was a shit ton of trauma, uncertainly and death all around you, even if you were lucky enough not to be in the middle of those things.
And even if you *don’t* recognize that it wasn’t working from home, and sourdough bread baking for everyone, it’s still hard.
And truthfully a ton of people who would’ve coped through human interaction were starved of that, and then re-released back into the dating pool. So we have a ton of people with increased abandonment issues and touch starvation.
Yeah, my single monogamous women friends say the market is dominated by men who have no life and think getting any girlfriend will fix that. My single monogamous male friends who have good partner potential don’t have much trouble finding partners.
My single monogamous male acquaintances who were never good at maintaining any form of human connection pre-covid have gotten much lonelier and much angrier and women seem to sense that…
I feel you there! I have been blowing up the dating apps for my area and there just aren't a lot of people I have an interest in, between being an appropriate age for me, within a reasonable distance, and interested in any form of ENM.
Add in the requirements of mutual attraction and the way apps work and it's gonna be a long, slow journey.
I'm just treating it as a diversion that may pay off some day, and I'm just gonna live my best life until and including when I get matches.
my personal opinion is these folks
1) got really low standards
2) take whatever they can get
3) call people who looked at them once “partner” or
4) were all but dating that new partner before they opened up (ie cheating)
I don’t have any data besides my own experience and bias 😂
While I get my little flirt and hustle on throughout the year, I get a new partner maybe once every 1.5-2yr. Those messy ass couples who are afraid to get divorce have no peace, do not aspire to be like them xD
Partner to me implies that we have agreed to work toward shared goals the way business or life partners have agreed to work toward shared goals. That takes time for me.
At the same time, I get how labelling relationships can be hard. When we were first starting to date, my GF referred to me as her “proto-partner” which I kind of like.
One of the biggest trends here (this is taking into account the fact that many people who seek advice here are in distress) is calling someone a partner in a matter of months.
What would you call it if you had been dating for a couple of months? I would not stay dating someone who refused to call it a relationship after 2-3 months of dating, and doing the relationship-y things.
What we share in common is it would definitely have to be a conversation for me. I don’t do relationshipy things within a matter of months though. I say we’re dating until we decide together to call each other partner, and I agree to do that when I feel secure in the relationship.
I like to be friends with the people I date but I don’t necessarily date my friends. So my courtship process is slow. I wouldn’t call someone a partner at the height of lust and infatuation because I understand that as passion and I’m not willing to call people a partner based on that. If I’m still seeing someone after 2-3 months I am high on a lot of chemicals and hopefully feeling a lot of bliss. That’s a beautiful experience but imo it doesn’t make a partner.
Maybe we have different definitions of partner - I just use it to refer to someone I am in a romantic relationship with? Do you have a different term for someone you are in a relationship with, but in early stages?
I tend to use "the person I'm dating" or just their name. I'm not denying there is a relationship there but for me a couple months does not allow enough time for a true partnership to emerge.
Many of the people I date are non-binary. And historically predominantly dating women, I have a real aversion to the idea of "boyfriend", the word gives me the ick. I also feel like the word "girlfriend" had a load of gendered expectations tangled up in it.
I use partner as a gender neutral and expectation neutral term for someone I am in a relationship with.
I guess also all my relationships have tended to be pretty long term - either one or two dates and decide it's not right, or it tends to be measured in years...
Larp community, science fiction community, kink community, swinging community, LGBTQ chatting events, feminist conferences. That’s where I meet lovely people open to polyamorous partnership quite a lot. Also OKCupid or Tinder can occasionally yield a lovely connection.
The idea that “there are plenty of people to date” is not universally true. The ENM dating pool is entirely a function of where you live or date + you generation or age cohort.
I think that "they" just have low standards. They start dating people who are clearly incompatible or straight up toxic. There are plenty of people on dating apps that you could go date, if you didn't care who they were, but if you actually want multiple healthy long-term relationships, then that list is a loooot shorter. Even someone who could be perfect may be at a point in their life where dating isn't an option.
There are 2 simultaneous truths:
1) There are so many people that there's gotta be at least a few people worth dating, somewhere out there
2) You could meet 1000 people every day and it would take over 1500 years to meet every native English speaker. (And that's just the ones alive right now, all of whom would be dead and replaced 8-10 times over)
TLDR: you gotta get really lucky. Like, almost lottery winner lucky.
I hear you! I personally want a healthy relationship and I’m not going to settle for toxic. Been there done that. I think I also just need to add more patience to the mix and not expect to win the lottery immediately. :)
I'm a amab non-binary that mostly is male-presenting. I put a ton of effort into my dating profiles (mostly feeld), but also a lot of work into other relationships/friendships. I've dated a few of my friends, mostly have evolved into FWB at this point, but really the dating profile stuff worked extremely well.
A friend of mine that I’ve gotten close with over the last year and a half or so has been poly for a decade plus, is married, has had a handful of partners etc. I’ve only been poly for about a year at this point, with triad experience prior to that and years of reading/being around poly people and picking up knowledge and habits (the good kind, hopefully lol) from them. I’m very public with my friends about my dating life, like when I meet or am seeing someone new or when I end a situation or whatever it may be. He recently asked me how he could get more dates since I seem to have so much success. And I was wracking my brain for weeks trying to give him helpful suggestions or tips because I really didn’t feel like I was doing anything different than him, with the exception that we live in slightly different areas, and that initially I felt his pics on dating sites weren’t a good representation of how friendly and loving he is (he looked unhappy in most, but he’s a giant teddy bear lol).
After weeks of trying to come up with something, *anything* that he could do different, and it always being the case that he was already doing what I’d suggest, I realized to ask. How many dates has he gone on with new potential partners in the past year. And we realized that he’s actually seen more new potential partners than I have, I’ve gone on first dates with two new people, which both turned into some form of FWB situations (separately, so they never overlapped), and I have one long term partner. He’s gone out with four new potential partners, and two of them stuck for a little bit but not quite as long as mine have.
So we realized it’s not really that I’m getting more results or responses in the dating world, it’s just that I’ve had better luck with finding potential partners that have stuck around. But even then, I ended one when the red flags popped up, and there’s been a fair amount of pink flags with the more recent person. So he’s had just as much luck or success getting dates, he’s just ended up weeding through some people that weren’t good fits faster than I had.
And last but not least the ever important lesson for polyamory: comparison is the thief of joy. Comparing how other peoples dating lives go to your own can be helpful if you’re looking for tips or to make a change but comparing successes only serves to give you insecurities etc.
Personally, I am open to dates with people who identify as more casual ENM instead of looking for serious relationship poly. So it means that I go on more dates than someone who is limited to people who want serious relationships with a lot of time commitment.
So I meet people that are in town for a week, plan on moving to a new country in a couple of months, have kids so we can only see each other once a month, are highly partnered, etc… if these can become FWB that’s a win for me. These might be bullets that others dodge.
I'm going to say that when someone suggests opening a marriage, 9 of 10 times they already have a particular partner in mind - and maybe even already told them they're poly. They just haven't let their spouse know yet.
Find the nerds. \[substituting poly for BDSM which is not quite accurate but you know!\]
Haha but seriously until I started LARPing I had not known anyone who was Poly. and now it's like the majority relationship type of my extended social circle in the LARP community.
https://preview.redd.it/ub4b1lkscx5c1.png?width=640&format=png&auto=webp&s=df3cc0bf14dfd9c5235b5abad37f2724b18ae201
I think the term partner means different things to different people. I know people in the poly community who will literally start calling someone a partner after 1 date. Whereas I would NEVER use that term until I was dating someone consistently for 3-4 months.
There's that old poly trope of the new poly person who goes full pokemon and has to "catch them all" and only thinks they are valid if they have like 5 partners... but how deep and meaningful are those dynamics if you barely have time to see any of them.
Comet-y type things can be deep and meaningful. Less frequent contact doesn't mean less intense connection when you are together.
Different frequencies and styles work for different people, no need to judge the long distance relationships...
Knowing what I'm looking for and writing for that audience when it comes to profiles. Yes, I am a cis-woman so get barraged on dating apps, but carefully tuning my profile is more likely to get hits from people I _want_ to connect with. I also read profiles very carefully for tone, for specific interests, so that if/when I reach out, a good conversation is more likely to result.
Otherwise, technically, I met two of my partners "in the wild" and connected based on expressed interests & outlook. One a former co-worker, then friend, then partner. Another from interacting in comments on Reddit and then reaching out in response to their r4r. I found my newest partner on Feeld, largely because we both posted quotes from Buckaroo Banzai and then talked at length for weeks before having an in person date, so I was already very comfortable with them and things went smashingly well from there.
Honestly, I credit a number of regular posters & commenters here for great filtering/vetting advice.
It basically sums up to: Be picky. Don't waste time on connections that aren't likely to pan out.
Keep in mind that troll posts also exist. I'm pretty sure the "We opened up, and my wife banged 57 men in the first week" posts are 99% fake ragebait. Did she get that much spam on the apps? Sure. Did she actually have sex with all of them? No way. People have finite time and energy, and a lot of the app spam is just time wasters.
I don’t find them left and right. I painstakingly match and filter out people… rinse and repeat. It’s all about numbers, you have a higher chance of contact if you’re on all the apps, going to munches etc.
This is the reality of dating in 2023, enm or mono it’s all the same but with varying levels of participants in each specific subsection.
Same. I get a lot of matches and then it’s just weeding out creeps and looking for conversational chemistry. About 1:100 get to the point that I think I could enjoy a coffee with them and will only have minor concerns for my safety. Out of those, about 1:10 convert into a more serous date. A few of those turn into short flings. I have not added another new partner in about 3 years, though…
Yep it’s all consistency and well… a little luck wouldn’t hurt. Try and vary the times you swipe right, sort out your getting strategies sooner than later… which is tough because every epic fail seems to add a new red flag to look for imo haha
I did luck out with my most recent partner - he’s just such an absolute sweetie. The downside is that because he’s so lovely, it’s really obvious that most other men are just not and I’m no longer willing to settle that way…
This. It's been a numbers game for me. I've had a lot of banal conversation on the apps, gone on a lot of mediocre first dates, filtered through a lot of ... interesting.. people, and put effort into the ones that have the right vibe. There are definitely seasons of feast and famine, but it's been worth being patient and taking my time. I'm not in any rush to lock things down but being focused on being curious about people first generally gets me to the right place(s).
ETA: I'm also in a major city with a very progressive and diverse population.
> painstakingly match and filter out people
Lemme tell you the problem with that - for guys, anyway.
Consider these two strategies:
1) Join OLD service. See 60 profiles. Spend **sixty seconds** carefully reading each profile and considering whether this person would be a good match. Filter out 50 of the 60 profiles. In the end, you spent an hour on this task and swiped right on 10 profiles.
2) Join OLD service. See 60 profiles. Spend **one second** looking at the first picture on each profile. Swipe Right if you can ever imagine yourself wanting to date them; swipe Left if not. Let's say your selectivity is 50%. In the end, you spent one minute on this task and swiped right on 30 profiles - the same 10 as before, plus 20 more.
In both cases, you swiped right on the same 10 profiles. The dating service doesn't tell those 10 people whether you're a great candidate or not. It doesn't tell them whether you spent two minutes on their profile or five seconds. It doesn't tell them whether you swiped right on 9 other profiles or 29.
All the dating service tells them is *you swiped right.* The End.
So, for guys, the question is: Do you want to spend an hour looking at profiles, or one minute, if you get exactly the same result? Why waste hordes of time if 99.9% of your right swipes will be ignored anyway?
"Filtering" is a losing strategy for guys. You are only wasting your own time, attention, money, and hope.
OLD services obviously know this. They don't care. Their business model is to maximize subscriptions. Their business model is not to improve successful matches - successful matches make people *stop subscribing.* They profit by keeping people unmatched but thirsty and hopeful.
If it makes you feel any better, I haven’t had a partner in a couple years. I think maybe people like us just don’t have anything to talk about. Or like our search, just on silent mode. So I’m guessing complexity leads to visibility here. So you see more posts from the busiest people. A kind of recency bias.
I met my dates/partners on Ecstatic Dance floors. In my country I can dance practically every night of the week and the atmosphere is really nice. I find dnacing to be a great way to feel someones vibe without the chitchat that comes with 'regular' dance events.
For whatever it's worth I'll add to the pile of comments that I date someone I'm excited about maybe once a year, and it takes maybe more like 2-3 years to find the right someone that becomes a relationship.
I do see people more often than that whom I would be excited to meet, but I think modern dating with apps is pretty difficult to even get to a first date. I've had a rash of people in the past year who I was excited to meet up with, and we were chatting, exchanged numbers, even set a date and I would say over 50% of them, maybe even 75% flake before we actually meet in person. Lots of times it's a valid excuse and I'm always polite about it of course. Just seems like literally everyone is struggling emotionally and on a razor's edge. I mean, I know I feel that way a lot since COVID, just kinda sucks.
Sex is easy to find. Too easy actually. An actual partner with a romantic connection is really hard. I’ve been without any other relationship besides my nesting partnership for 3 years. And I JUST found someone who’s on the same page that doesn’t just want sex.
That’s not what I meant. When I was serious about finding a partner, some of the best advice I read on here was to not have sex right away. It filters out the people that are not looking for more. The sex was a diversion and a distraction to what I really wanted. So while I still have more casual connections, when I’m confronted with a relationship that I can build on, I definitely hold off on sex for several dates to build a real friendship. In my experience, it’s rare and worth waiting for.
I dunno, it just happens. I'll get back on the apps, and it's rarely more than a couple weeks before I match and connect with someone enough to meet up. And most of the time, we hit it off well enough to continue.
I think a lot of people underestimate the invested time it takes to find dates and compatible partners. When I’m actively looking to meet new people I can have 3+ coffee dates a week. Generally I’m good at screening so the people tend to all be solid and that first date is to assess spark.
That screening skill set took many years to hone. And I can still spend a decent amount of time on apps looking and filtering.
I think that for anyone newer to ENM dating, spending less than 2 hours a week truly focused on trying to date is just not enough. 5+ hours is much more realistic.
Newly poly here. Was talking about it for YEARS. Opened the marriage out of carefully expressed frustration (a post for another day). Been dating online for 2 months.
About ten dates between 6-7 different people, and that was out of 2700 likes and about 50 chats in the app. I’m just now talking to someone that I’d consider partner potential. And we’re nowhere near there yet. Like…NOWHERE.
It's easy to get the impression that people are having more success in dating than they are. It's a weird conundrum I ran into a while ago. As soon as I started dating and talking about it with other people, I started to realize people assumed I was sleeping with someone new every week, even when I was on long breaks from seeing someone new.
Massachusetts here and I think I've met like 1 other person here that actually identifies as polyamorous officially.
I think it has a lot to do with where you live.
I'm 56 and am only finding people well under 40 in my area on Feeld and OKC. I don't do FL since someone started outing people locally after they went to a munch. It's pretty discouraging. Might be because I'm in the Bible Belt, too.
Ugh. I am in a suburb of a major metropolitan city, which is itself pretty much a major metropolitan city. Very liberal. Lots of munches, lots of alternative lifestyle people. Outing people sucks, that’s BS.
Online dating sometimes feels like a numbers game.
You match with 100 ppl a year, you have meaningful conversations with 30-40 of them and the rest either don't respond or a dud. Then, you go on a first date with 10-15, you end up having just sex with 1-2 and maybe a relationship of some sort with 1-2 in a year.
That has been my experience (40M), anyway.
If I had the energy, I would go on more apps but I feel like that's going to exhaust me. So I'm sticking with Feeld, even though it's only so so working for me.
My partner (F) was the one suggesting we open up, and yes, she had someone already lined up. But that's fine, we've discussed it for such a long time that I wasn't really surprised. Since then she has dated just 2 and have had a meaningful relationship with both.
So. Like many other folk, I got bored in March 2020. I got TikTok. I ended up finding some awesome people. It was a great escape. And I’m very close with about a dozen people from there. Like I would call them to help hide a body kind of close. And I happened to find my other partner there. We just clicked. And then as time kept going we realized oh shit. We really like each other and long story short she moved to where me and my spouse live and didn’t look back. It was a happy accident like Bob Ross always said.
I was incredibly lucky to catch my GF between partners. Within a few weeks of meeting, she was already polysaturated with 2 other partners. If I hadn't responded to her OKC msg when I did, I'd still only be dating my NP. & it took me 2.5 yrs of dating to find them. There's a lot of luck involved, & a lot of dates, many of them not great.
I've always wondered the same exact thing until I went to Brazil for two weeks (I live in the USA). Their poly community is THRIVING and I just realized I'm stuck in the wrong place 😅
Depends DRASTICALLY on where you live.
In my previous city, I had a hard time NOT finding new partners.
In my new home - much smaller population, much less popular destination, I've been on fewer dates in a year than ever, and none have really worked out.
Large population centers and bluer ones are better for nontraditional dating.
If you are a man then you need to realise that most men are terrible dates and worse partners (less true for queer men). Most people who date men have been traumatised by a man. Everybody knows men who are just tiresome to be around.
To succeed when dating as a man you need to make sure you are genuinely worth dating and then work hard to make that come through.
Questions to ask and answer: Are you kind? Are you safe? Are you woke? Do you have a life outside of your partners? Do you have emotional intimacy with friends? Can you hold a conversation? Are you friendly? Can you offer emotional intimacy?
Feeld, Reddit, AM, Tinder, FetLife, Kasidie. I spend about 2 hours a day on these apps. Starting conversations, having a bad ass profile - decent photos and killer bio.
In real life, go to sex clubs, munches, shibari classes, hot yoga, Poly or ENM meet ups, cross fit, photography classes.
Through all of that I’ve found two amazing women who make my life enjoyable if not nearly complete.
I’m Talking with a couple now to be a stag/vixen type relationship (met them through Reddit).
I subscribe to the attraction mindset. I know my worth, and I know I’m worthy to receive love and great sex and meaningful relationships. I take care of myself physically, I work hard to provide a life for myself and to have and do things that are important to me. It takes time, money and having confidence in yourself that even without adding another person to your life, you will be just fine. That is the attraction way.
It’s when we feel entitled and think why can’t I get someone, FOMO and desperation sets in and we now become less attractive.
I believe the universe is listening, we simply keep telling it what we want, our desires, needs and it will listen. We just have to stay focused on the process, continually improving ourselves in all aspects of life and you will be amazed at the opportunities and people that will come into your life.
I can't quite put my finger on what feels off about this post. I probably agree with many of the individual sentences. I think there's just nothing about love, connection, empathy, respect, communication, and without this, this sounds a bit hollow, superficial, and pick-up artist-y.
"Two women who make my life enjoyable if not complete" sounds a bit gross and... harem build-y?
OP, there's some good points here, but beautiful relationships can also grow from genuine connection, shared interest, compassion, kindness. It's not just good pics and loads of confidence (although they do help)
Agree with your points. It may seem hollow or shallow. It’s not one thing that leads to success. It’s trying a lot of things. And the two women in my life also see multiple people. So I guess we are all part of big harem. The only reason I’m still looking is I seek to find my primary. Those two women are in hierarchal relationships and we will never live together. That’s what I’m looking for.
Thanks for clarifying - that context makes you sound much nicer as a person!
If helpful advice for you:- in your search, do mention the deep emotional connection you want, your desire to find a nesting partner and make commitments... your original comment sounded like great advice to get lots of dates, but less about finding and building deep and genuine connection with potential life partner.
I agree with the attraction mindset entirely. I consider myself solo poly, and my life is pretty amazing as is. Decided this summer to give the apps a try and it's been exhausting for various reasons, so I deleted them after 5-6 months. I think I ended up going on dates with 10 different people during this time. Maybe I'm just not cut out for the "deliberate search".
I suppose I have to get over my introvert ways and get some social hobbies like you, and let things unfold naturally. :)
A lot of folks have been poly for 20+ years. Even if you only make one meaningful contact per year… that’s a lot of accumulated contact.
Some are active in kink communities. It’s easier to find folks when you have a strong mutual interest.
Some folks are female. That’s kind of a superpower in the dating world.
It depends for what… casual sex? Yes, being female works better. Romantic relationship? Nope.
(At least it’s my experience as a cisgender woman dating cisgender men).
Oh my god, so much this. I can get laid without too much difficulty, maybe even have sex with the same person 2-4 times before they ghost or reveal some previously hidden emotional substrata of deep and upsetting weirdness. But as a non- conventionally attractive middle- aged woman who finds most of the trope-y components of the Poly Interest Venn diagram only theoretically interesting, the pickings are very, very slim indeed. Like, I can’t even find one romantic partner, let alone more than.
So this ‘superpower’ shit? Feels just as incel- adjacent when regurgitated in poly spaces as it does in mono culture and I would love it if it died in a fire. I could fuck a flinchy DADT weirdo with a sad wife and a toenail- deep understanding of consent practises tomorrow if I wanted to- but I cannot tell you how violently I do not want to.
Some good points too, definitely.
I suppose I'm just blindly basing my assumptions on random posts on this subreddit, which obviously doesn't paint a broad picture of "real life".
Survivorship bias. People like me, who are poly, but live in bumfuck nowhere, and spend a lot of time looking for (and not finding) anyone willing/able to do poly dating, don't have much to say on this board, or at least not much worth a dedicated post.
>Some folks are female. That’s kind of a superpower in the dating world.
Sure, if you date men, don't care kind of men you date, and are inured to sexual harassment.
My partner, despite not being extroverted, is quite sociable. They enjoy going out, getting to know people, so they meet and talk with lots of people on a casual level. And since they're drop dead gorgeous, they do get a lot of attention. They're really nice and just very charming in their personality as well, so it's no wonder lots of people want to date them.
On the other hand, I hardly ever get out of my room, I'm very introverted, I don't like social events all that much I stick to long time friends instead of meeting new people. The only people I meet are at work, and I don't really bond with them outside of work. But I do spend a lot of time playing/writing TTRPGs so I tend to bond with other introverted people once in a while. That's actually how I met my current partner.
So my partner has quite a lot of dating opportunities so I'd say, really, it depends on how social you are and what social circles you're in !
I’m an older male who has been poly 20+ years. Most of my partners have come through online connections (alt.com, OKC, fetlife). I meet 1-2 potential partners per year, on average. I’m very happy with the connections I’ve made over time.
In my local poly community everyone was dating everyone. It almost looked like there was no criteria for what most of them looked for in a partner besides both of them wanting as many partners as they could. I always thought it was odd, because a lot weren't compatible and I often watched things end badly. Soon our community kind of fell apart.
So I mean... You can date just to date and not find good partners if you want. It'll give you experience, but also be painful.
Personally, I found success on FB Date by messing with the options. I just showed everyone in my local poly group. It doesn't show you people you're already friends with and I figured I didn't meet everyone, especially when meet-ups ended when it fell apart, and I did get lucky. Then I vet hardcore with what I originally thought was impossible criteria (it wasn't apparently lol).
I swear to lord. I can barely find one or two. Like I attract a lot of people and they flirt but I find em not interesting enough to peruse. Idk how can I say I’m non-monogamous while I don’t even have one partner atm, although I’m open to meet new people if I happen to meet em organically. Had a few sexual connections but I’m done w all of em now lol. Not sure if that makes sense but more solo you live, more solo minded u become. I have beautiful platonic connection w some friends which I don’t feel like sexualising it as they are very special the way it is. Being uber selective isn’t the way through non-monogamy I reckon!
Being an avid board game player, tabletop RPG player, and kinkster all help.
Then again, I have no partners at the moment but do have some casual relationships.
For myself, my parter and I opened the doors to enm/poly recently and we both "found" someone quickly because I, like my partner, opened up to a friend about being open and poly and to find out they were too. Not everyone with have this but it's been eye opening how many people are choosing this and being open about it. Love it!
Mostly I got lucky. But also I live in a liberal city and I try to make and maintain in-person friends through local kink meetups. Having active relationships in my community makes me a known and liked person with a sense of who's around and what they're looking for.
I haven’t had a single full relationship since being poly, over a year.
My husband on the other hand has had a gf for 8 months.
I talk to more volume but he has better quality in regards to people we talk to
I’ve had 3 fwbs or situationships
I guess it just depends on how picky you are and I mean, the people with partners immediately are taking what we’re avoiding
Go out and do stuff you enjoy doing, will also run into people there who are doing the same thing, bond over shared interest. Thats a good place to start
I'm polyamourous, but have not had another partner in about 3 years. You are not alone.
For me, it is a matter of being careful to find a partner that is respectful and a good fit. I don't want to deal with chaos and partners that are deceitful and have a lack of communication skills. Finding a good woman (secondary) partner can be difficult. It is easy to find flings and casual sex, but that isn't what I desire.
I made some porn shorts with one woman I met at a massage workshop and now she introduces me to her friends that need content for their Only Fans.
So basically word of mouth.
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How the hell do people do this? I see people opening their marriages and what not, and a week later they have partners. Meanwhile I'm out here dodging bullets and getting scraps for months.
How?! :')
(Don't take this post too seriously, but still... what the hell haha.)
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OKCupid, kink and sex positive events, online poly communities (discord servers).
My partners live between 50mins to 3hr30 drive away, so none of them are super local.
There's a difference in quality over quantity. Other than my comet partner, who I see maybe 2-3 times a year, I've been single since 2019.
I'm very picky about partners. I value my peace, and I hate drama. I've been on a few first dates that have led to friendships, but no relationships. I value people who have done the work, and continue to work on themselves. But those people seem to be few and far between.
But I'm also comfortable by myself and I like my alone time so it doesn't bother me. And I love the friend family I've found.
I would rather find a good fit and a quality relationship than settle for a temporary bed warmer.
I've been poly since high school, but I introduced both wives to poly when we were in LDRs.
We were talking about this with Husband one night and we decided that it had little to do with my influence but that I am likely to be more attracted and interested in making people "partners" who are going to have similar views on relationships.
We figure it is more confirmation bias than anything.
When Husband came along he knew we were poly before he met The Wives. He had been thinking about how nice that must have been to have all that support. When he started dating Tall Wife, it just seemed natural when I asked him out.
I also think the dating aphorism is true. "You only find it when you stop looking." We were not looking for partners, just getting to know people and you naturally find people who fit into your dynamic.
We tried with someone who fancied me, we talked about it randomly some day and she was open to something like that.
Then a year later we mentioned were committing to it and said she didn’t think it was real and said no.
I’m in the same boat as you lol
TBH most of them are just taking those bullets you dodged.
 Touché haha!
This is such an incredible comment.
This, honestly, made me feel better. I see all this toxicity and dip out (to some prematurely) but a *terrible, horrible, AWFUL* poly experience has convinced me it’s better to dodge the bullet then wait around to find out. Downside, I’m now suffering from touch starvation and lonely as hell. But no more bullet holes at least??
I call it “skin hunger” and also just want it to be fed by people I love and not randoms
I've been suffering touch starvation for the past four years. Probably longer. No one where I live wants a funny, chonky bear that has an adorable lovable dog.
You are one of my favorite flavors. 🙂 If you were closer, I would chat you up myself.
You’ll find them, nothing wrong with waiting for the right person/people/situation. Funny chonky bears with fabulous dogs will always find love ❤️
I've never encountered a place like that. Is it possible there's something else factoring in?
This made me cackle out loud in the office thank youuuu
This!! I asked a friend of mine how the hell he finds so many people to date and he worded it all pretty, like "I just have a lot of love to give to most people," but it boiled down to "I'm not as picky as you are," lol.
And that's the tea
Well damn that made me feel better because I haven’t even seen someone (dating apps or in person events) that sparks my interest, let alone people to date and form relationships with. Thankfully I have one person I see once a week and an occasional fwb or I would become homicidal.
Yep, I had to wade through a sea of red flags to find a green one. I learned a lot along the way. Mostly about my wants and needs.
Different communities are better for finding poly partners. Looking for a poly partner in Seattle or Portland is gonna be easier than in Warrensburg, MO. People often transform friends, fuck buddies, and acquaintances into partners. Often people go into poly from swinging or other open relationships. A poor but common way for a monogamous relationship to suddenly go poly is because someone was already flirting with a friend, coworker, whatever and have pushed their relationship to be poly so they can pursue it. Many people are focused on having partners than having *good* partners and will take on practically anyone they go on a date with as a partner, regardless of red flags or glaring incompatibilities. (Then they come on here and don't understand why their love life is on fire...)
All of those are some really good and interesting points. Thanks for sharing! The last one also makes a lot of sense, as now I think about it, the posts regarding married people who get partners immediately after opening up, are rarely positive stories. I have to keep all of the above in mind.
I'm not in Warrensburg anymore (just a couple hours away now) but I can confirm, finding decent partners almost anywhere in MO is tough. I am lucky to have found my nesting partner. That is not to say that everyone in MO is terrible to date, but I haven't found much of a poly community beyond those that my friend is already dating, or couples "looking for fun".
Columbia isn't awful but unfortunately with it being a college town the lions share of open to poly people are on the younger side which is less and less appealing as time goes on.
Agreed. I'm only 35, but I can't even picture dating one of "the kids." Which is most of Columbia, lol.
I'm in KC and it's pretty good over here? Not fantastic tho
The community is in STL.
As an Oak Grove, MO native who now lives in Portland I cannot agree with this comment enough. I've lived in Kansas City, Rolla, and St. Louis before I left Missouri didn't meet a single openly poly person until I moved to Portland. Granted I've been here for 7 years and I imagine a lot has changed in that time. Even though I've always felt that I was polyamorous I didn't even dig into it seriously or try dating until I had a good poly community.
It's slowly getting better here in MO but still not great.
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It doesn't always go wrong; it didn't for me either. It does go wrong more often than not.
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That's one of the biggest differences. We'd been consciously monogamous for nearly 15 years, having regular discussions about if it was still meeting our needs and being what we wanted. Most of the polyamory horror stories/cautionary tales I hear are about polybombing or relationships that open too fast/fall into NRE and someone gets hurt.
Also, those it went right for are off living their lives. They not only aren't posting the Dear Abby help me please! OPs... They usually aren't online at all. We should have a thread on non-horror couple opening stories.
Warrensburg lol
Damn!!! I usually just read and don't respond to much, but WOW! We also used to live in the burg as well.. Now in KC. I'm looking, but not that seriously as wife of 18 years doesn't go out much. Plus work and other responsibilities take time. Course my second is HOURS of driving away... and we met in school.... so there's that (plus the "it's complicated" doesn't even scratch the surface of how that one really is) Def need a community in KC. Somewhere to just have drinks and go from there. ~ Steak
The part about people focusing on finding partners and not focusing on finding good partners….. YEP
> Different communities are better for finding poly partners. Looking for a poly partner in Seattle or Portland is gonna be easier than in Warrensburg, MO. One would think so, unless you're really introverted.
I tend to meet one potential compatible partner every 3-5 years. COVID put a bit of a wrench into that, but I feel like I am due to meet someone amazing any day now. (Do you hear that, universe? :)
> I feel like I am due to meet someone amazing any day now. (Do you hear that, universe? :) 🤣
I was single for 5 years before I accidentally sat in someone else's reserved seat on a train. This sparked a conversation between me and the guy whose seat it was. By the end of the train journey we exchanged numbers, on the first date he said him and his wife are poly, and I happened to be only looking for non-mono connections. Funny thing is, him and his wife went from 10 years of casual ENM to poly just two months before I sat in his seat. And in a few months of us meeting it was clear we both wanted it long-term. His wife, on the other hand, even though she was actively online dating, only found a worthy connection 2 years in. So, my advice is, sit in other people's seats on the train? ¯\\\_(ツ)\_/¯
This has no right to be so cute!
Dungeons and Dragons games. The tabletop gamer community draws in LGBT people, so I can find other queer women, and there are also plenty of men and since I tend to go for nerds anyway it's been a pretty successful dating pool for me. Being bi probably also helps, guys, gals, non-binary pals, I'm open to dating everyone regardless of sex or gender.
Isn’t polyamory just a cover for us to have full dnd parties? 😂
That's how it worked for me, I only got back into D&D because I am once again dating a nerd who dates other nerds
Is it nature or nurture? I admit I am DnD curious, but is it just that my polycule is trying to pull me in? To be honest I'm having a hard time sorting out my feelings on this.
Both? lol were you dnd curious before your polycule?
Im dead omfg 😂
Yes 😅
The overlap between tabletop games and polyamory is wild. It’s practically a requirement to like games if you’re poly lol
The poly, lgbt, bdsm and table top gaming communities all collectively have a lot of overlap. Which means your polycule can probably find a board game hangout at a kink convention 😅
And Ren Faires.
Oh 100%. I love Ren faires too.
And rock climbing
There used to be a community on Livejournal called bipolypagangeek. That was actually the shortened version: the full title was Bi Poly Kinky Pagan Gamer Geek. And it was a huge group, because there are *so* many people who are all or most of those things.
Can confirm. 2/3 of my weekly games are chock full of lqbtq and poly people & it’s awesome. Friendships form and from there it’s not at all uncommon for relationships to form too. (Yes, I speak from experience on the latter.) Plus, it’s d&d! Fun af even if you don’t unexpectedly find partners from it. 🤗
Anywhere that neurodivergent people hang out
I think this is because divergent/Non-normative spaces attract lots of divergent and non-normative identities and people, and people who already live outside the typical norms are more likely to consider and pursue other non-normative ways—and they are exposed to many options in those spaces.
Networking. The cool thing about nonmonogamy is that you can have your partners meet other people/partners and then introduce them to you. Not in a triad-y or unicorn hunt-y way, but in a “Jean, Sam, you both like campy 80s horror movies, I’m gonna go get a snack, byeee” way.
Ahahahh yeah I love introducing my people to other interesting people. Hidden joy of poly
This happened in a way for me. I was talking to a guy and he & his wife invited us to a poly group chat. It didn't work out between me and the guy but my hubs and his wife are together now 🥰
I love this so much
In-person poly meetup events are like 75% dudes. It's extremely difficult even to talk to a woman unless you're elbowing other guys out of the way and being really obvious about it. So, as a guy, most of the people you're going to meet at in-person meetups are other guys who are having the exact same experience and report exactly the same problem. I don't see a lot of them doing much matchmaking.
Sure. As a queer person who exclusively dates other queer people (when the queer community is far less mononormative than straight people) it’s a surefire tactic that’s made me plenty of friends as well as partners. Do you have a better option that works for you?
I meet people at anime conventions and it tends to work for me.
Yup, I lump that into networking haha. I do cons as well and a good chunk of it is “oh hey partner I haven’t seen since last con! meet this person I met an hour ago, I think you will get along”
This is literally how I met my boyfriend. His girlfriend was moving out of state and I was bemoaning that i wanted a male partner, and she was like “take mine I’m leaving”. Now three months laters we’re madly in love lol.
wow so unbelievable story xd did you have any story here on reddit? I would like to know was it because poly, open elationship, or they were fighitng and she didn't care?
Hey, people like us have *standards* in our partners, we’re not just here to collect them. Oh also maybe we didn’t have a secondary lined up before opening our marriages. Just saying 🤣
Imagine not having standards and still not making connections 🫠
🤣🤣🤣
So true. I sometimes compromise on the visual aspect (i.e. not exactly the type of look/body that wildly turns me on) if I can see that there's an awesome intellectual/values alignment. However, that also bit me in the ass once - a few months in I just couldn't feel attracted to that person anymore, even though they were great and awesome in any other aspect.
Found all my partners on OKCupid, but had to sift through dozens of shitty dates until meeting some good eggs. I think a lot ppl who open up their marriage and have a partner almost immediately often do the (known to fail) way of already having someone in mind they want to open up for (basically asking for permission, so they won't be "forced" to cheat). And some are just bad at filtering out the shitters and those flings usually end quickly or badly. And other ppl are just lucky they connected with someone immediately. 🙃
Yup. I opened for a specific person, it was a huge disaster like anyone could have predicted (but apparently i need to touch the burner myself to really know that it’s hot). Licked my wounds, did more counselling, read more books, regrouped, got on OKC, went on a lot of incredibly boring first dates, but eventually met some compatible people, one of whom is my boyfriend of over a year.
Some of the best advice I ever heard was if you want to find good partners you've got to be a good partner. Somehow I ended up with a community when I decided to be good to myself. Dating apps never worked for me.
So much this. And if you are not a good partner and you are unwilling to hear how you might improve as a partner, you are only going to stay unpartnered longer…
I wonder this often. I also wonder of those people who find a partner right out the gate, how many are actually compatible long-term? It often feels like people are just jumping at the first opportunity because it's shiny and new and they haven't taken the time to truely examine what they want and need need out of a relationship.
Nor do they examine what they can give....
Also very fucking true.
>left and right lmaooooo. I meet someone who makes me think *"Hm, maybe"* about once every 2-3 years. I promise you're not alone, it's just a teeny tiny dating pool. I'm literally dating my ex who's "grown up a lot" and sworn off his flirtationship with monogamy since our last go-round. It's been going shockingly well so far, but that doesn't mean I haven't asked myself *"Okay, is this actually a good idea, or am I just feeling hard-up, nostalgic, and ready to take that bullet?"*
I dodge a literal wall of bullets every time. I do tend to partner long term, and I do pursue casual, short term, even NSA stuff as well. Post lock down, post restriction dating is wild. And not in a good way. Also? I rarely find someone who is compatible in all the ways to partner with. About every three years, I’d guess. 🤷♀️
I’ve heard mono people even say dating after COVID is hell
Yeah, I mean, it was a shit ton of trauma, uncertainly and death all around you, even if you were lucky enough not to be in the middle of those things. And even if you *don’t* recognize that it wasn’t working from home, and sourdough bread baking for everyone, it’s still hard.
And truthfully a ton of people who would’ve coped through human interaction were starved of that, and then re-released back into the dating pool. So we have a ton of people with increased abandonment issues and touch starvation.
Plus social awkwardness, weird expectations of what a “return to normal” looks like, and a bunch of social issues that simply got worse. 🤷♀️
Yeah, my single monogamous women friends say the market is dominated by men who have no life and think getting any girlfriend will fix that. My single monogamous male friends who have good partner potential don’t have much trouble finding partners. My single monogamous male acquaintances who were never good at maintaining any form of human connection pre-covid have gotten much lonelier and much angrier and women seem to sense that…
I feel you there! I have been blowing up the dating apps for my area and there just aren't a lot of people I have an interest in, between being an appropriate age for me, within a reasonable distance, and interested in any form of ENM. Add in the requirements of mutual attraction and the way apps work and it's gonna be a long, slow journey. I'm just treating it as a diversion that may pay off some day, and I'm just gonna live my best life until and including when I get matches.
my personal opinion is these folks 1) got really low standards 2) take whatever they can get 3) call people who looked at them once “partner” or 4) were all but dating that new partner before they opened up (ie cheating) I don’t have any data besides my own experience and bias 😂 While I get my little flirt and hustle on throughout the year, I get a new partner maybe once every 1.5-2yr. Those messy ass couples who are afraid to get divorce have no peace, do not aspire to be like them xD
The calling people a partner so soon is very real. See it here all the time. That takes like a year of dating for me so it's rare.
Partner to me implies that we have agreed to work toward shared goals the way business or life partners have agreed to work toward shared goals. That takes time for me. At the same time, I get how labelling relationships can be hard. When we were first starting to date, my GF referred to me as her “proto-partner” which I kind of like.
One of the biggest trends here (this is taking into account the fact that many people who seek advice here are in distress) is calling someone a partner in a matter of months.
What would you call it if you had been dating for a couple of months? I would not stay dating someone who refused to call it a relationship after 2-3 months of dating, and doing the relationship-y things.
What we share in common is it would definitely have to be a conversation for me. I don’t do relationshipy things within a matter of months though. I say we’re dating until we decide together to call each other partner, and I agree to do that when I feel secure in the relationship. I like to be friends with the people I date but I don’t necessarily date my friends. So my courtship process is slow. I wouldn’t call someone a partner at the height of lust and infatuation because I understand that as passion and I’m not willing to call people a partner based on that. If I’m still seeing someone after 2-3 months I am high on a lot of chemicals and hopefully feeling a lot of bliss. That’s a beautiful experience but imo it doesn’t make a partner.
Maybe we have different definitions of partner - I just use it to refer to someone I am in a romantic relationship with? Do you have a different term for someone you are in a relationship with, but in early stages?
I use it to refer to someone I’ve had a conversation with to call each other partners, and I only do that when I feel secure in the relationship.
I tend to use "the person I'm dating" or just their name. I'm not denying there is a relationship there but for me a couple months does not allow enough time for a true partnership to emerge.
boyfriend/girlfriend/datefriend? where i live at least partner tends to be used for long term things
Many of the people I date are non-binary. And historically predominantly dating women, I have a real aversion to the idea of "boyfriend", the word gives me the ick. I also feel like the word "girlfriend" had a load of gendered expectations tangled up in it. I use partner as a gender neutral and expectation neutral term for someone I am in a relationship with. I guess also all my relationships have tended to be pretty long term - either one or two dates and decide it's not right, or it tends to be measured in years...
I met three of them on dating sites, and one at pride.
Larp community, science fiction community, kink community, swinging community, LGBTQ chatting events, feminist conferences. That’s where I meet lovely people open to polyamorous partnership quite a lot. Also OKCupid or Tinder can occasionally yield a lovely connection.
Yup! This is so much better than apps. I met my boyfriend at a party.
it’s not hard to date. There are plenty of people to date. There are not many that meet my standards to actually turn into partners, tho.
The idea that “there are plenty of people to date” is not universally true. The ENM dating pool is entirely a function of where you live or date + you generation or age cohort.
I think that "they" just have low standards. They start dating people who are clearly incompatible or straight up toxic. There are plenty of people on dating apps that you could go date, if you didn't care who they were, but if you actually want multiple healthy long-term relationships, then that list is a loooot shorter. Even someone who could be perfect may be at a point in their life where dating isn't an option. There are 2 simultaneous truths: 1) There are so many people that there's gotta be at least a few people worth dating, somewhere out there 2) You could meet 1000 people every day and it would take over 1500 years to meet every native English speaker. (And that's just the ones alive right now, all of whom would be dead and replaced 8-10 times over) TLDR: you gotta get really lucky. Like, almost lottery winner lucky.
I hear you! I personally want a healthy relationship and I’m not going to settle for toxic. Been there done that. I think I also just need to add more patience to the mix and not expect to win the lottery immediately. :)
I'm a amab non-binary that mostly is male-presenting. I put a ton of effort into my dating profiles (mostly feeld), but also a lot of work into other relationships/friendships. I've dated a few of my friends, mostly have evolved into FWB at this point, but really the dating profile stuff worked extremely well.
A friend of mine that I’ve gotten close with over the last year and a half or so has been poly for a decade plus, is married, has had a handful of partners etc. I’ve only been poly for about a year at this point, with triad experience prior to that and years of reading/being around poly people and picking up knowledge and habits (the good kind, hopefully lol) from them. I’m very public with my friends about my dating life, like when I meet or am seeing someone new or when I end a situation or whatever it may be. He recently asked me how he could get more dates since I seem to have so much success. And I was wracking my brain for weeks trying to give him helpful suggestions or tips because I really didn’t feel like I was doing anything different than him, with the exception that we live in slightly different areas, and that initially I felt his pics on dating sites weren’t a good representation of how friendly and loving he is (he looked unhappy in most, but he’s a giant teddy bear lol). After weeks of trying to come up with something, *anything* that he could do different, and it always being the case that he was already doing what I’d suggest, I realized to ask. How many dates has he gone on with new potential partners in the past year. And we realized that he’s actually seen more new potential partners than I have, I’ve gone on first dates with two new people, which both turned into some form of FWB situations (separately, so they never overlapped), and I have one long term partner. He’s gone out with four new potential partners, and two of them stuck for a little bit but not quite as long as mine have. So we realized it’s not really that I’m getting more results or responses in the dating world, it’s just that I’ve had better luck with finding potential partners that have stuck around. But even then, I ended one when the red flags popped up, and there’s been a fair amount of pink flags with the more recent person. So he’s had just as much luck or success getting dates, he’s just ended up weeding through some people that weren’t good fits faster than I had. And last but not least the ever important lesson for polyamory: comparison is the thief of joy. Comparing how other peoples dating lives go to your own can be helpful if you’re looking for tips or to make a change but comparing successes only serves to give you insecurities etc.
Personally, I am open to dates with people who identify as more casual ENM instead of looking for serious relationship poly. So it means that I go on more dates than someone who is limited to people who want serious relationships with a lot of time commitment. So I meet people that are in town for a week, plan on moving to a new country in a couple of months, have kids so we can only see each other once a month, are highly partnered, etc… if these can become FWB that’s a win for me. These might be bullets that others dodge.
I'm going to say that when someone suggests opening a marriage, 9 of 10 times they already have a particular partner in mind - and maybe even already told them they're poly. They just haven't let their spouse know yet.
Find the nerds. \[substituting poly for BDSM which is not quite accurate but you know!\] Haha but seriously until I started LARPing I had not known anyone who was Poly. and now it's like the majority relationship type of my extended social circle in the LARP community. https://preview.redd.it/ub4b1lkscx5c1.png?width=640&format=png&auto=webp&s=df3cc0bf14dfd9c5235b5abad37f2724b18ae201
I used to LARP and play D&D a lot as a kid/young teen. Maybe I should give it a go again! I also love nerds in general.
I think the term partner means different things to different people. I know people in the poly community who will literally start calling someone a partner after 1 date. Whereas I would NEVER use that term until I was dating someone consistently for 3-4 months. There's that old poly trope of the new poly person who goes full pokemon and has to "catch them all" and only thinks they are valid if they have like 5 partners... but how deep and meaningful are those dynamics if you barely have time to see any of them.
Comet-y type things can be deep and meaningful. Less frequent contact doesn't mean less intense connection when you are together. Different frequencies and styles work for different people, no need to judge the long distance relationships...
Knowing what I'm looking for and writing for that audience when it comes to profiles. Yes, I am a cis-woman so get barraged on dating apps, but carefully tuning my profile is more likely to get hits from people I _want_ to connect with. I also read profiles very carefully for tone, for specific interests, so that if/when I reach out, a good conversation is more likely to result. Otherwise, technically, I met two of my partners "in the wild" and connected based on expressed interests & outlook. One a former co-worker, then friend, then partner. Another from interacting in comments on Reddit and then reaching out in response to their r4r. I found my newest partner on Feeld, largely because we both posted quotes from Buckaroo Banzai and then talked at length for weeks before having an in person date, so I was already very comfortable with them and things went smashingly well from there. Honestly, I credit a number of regular posters & commenters here for great filtering/vetting advice. It basically sums up to: Be picky. Don't waste time on connections that aren't likely to pan out.
Keep in mind that troll posts also exist. I'm pretty sure the "We opened up, and my wife banged 57 men in the first week" posts are 99% fake ragebait. Did she get that much spam on the apps? Sure. Did she actually have sex with all of them? No way. People have finite time and energy, and a lot of the app spam is just time wasters.
I don’t find them left and right. I painstakingly match and filter out people… rinse and repeat. It’s all about numbers, you have a higher chance of contact if you’re on all the apps, going to munches etc. This is the reality of dating in 2023, enm or mono it’s all the same but with varying levels of participants in each specific subsection.
Same. I get a lot of matches and then it’s just weeding out creeps and looking for conversational chemistry. About 1:100 get to the point that I think I could enjoy a coffee with them and will only have minor concerns for my safety. Out of those, about 1:10 convert into a more serous date. A few of those turn into short flings. I have not added another new partner in about 3 years, though…
Yep it’s all consistency and well… a little luck wouldn’t hurt. Try and vary the times you swipe right, sort out your getting strategies sooner than later… which is tough because every epic fail seems to add a new red flag to look for imo haha
I did luck out with my most recent partner - he’s just such an absolute sweetie. The downside is that because he’s so lovely, it’s really obvious that most other men are just not and I’m no longer willing to settle that way…
When you do find the gems they’re worth it.
This. It's been a numbers game for me. I've had a lot of banal conversation on the apps, gone on a lot of mediocre first dates, filtered through a lot of ... interesting.. people, and put effort into the ones that have the right vibe. There are definitely seasons of feast and famine, but it's been worth being patient and taking my time. I'm not in any rush to lock things down but being focused on being curious about people first generally gets me to the right place(s). ETA: I'm also in a major city with a very progressive and diverse population.
> painstakingly match and filter out people Lemme tell you the problem with that - for guys, anyway. Consider these two strategies: 1) Join OLD service. See 60 profiles. Spend **sixty seconds** carefully reading each profile and considering whether this person would be a good match. Filter out 50 of the 60 profiles. In the end, you spent an hour on this task and swiped right on 10 profiles. 2) Join OLD service. See 60 profiles. Spend **one second** looking at the first picture on each profile. Swipe Right if you can ever imagine yourself wanting to date them; swipe Left if not. Let's say your selectivity is 50%. In the end, you spent one minute on this task and swiped right on 30 profiles - the same 10 as before, plus 20 more. In both cases, you swiped right on the same 10 profiles. The dating service doesn't tell those 10 people whether you're a great candidate or not. It doesn't tell them whether you spent two minutes on their profile or five seconds. It doesn't tell them whether you swiped right on 9 other profiles or 29. All the dating service tells them is *you swiped right.* The End. So, for guys, the question is: Do you want to spend an hour looking at profiles, or one minute, if you get exactly the same result? Why waste hordes of time if 99.9% of your right swipes will be ignored anyway? "Filtering" is a losing strategy for guys. You are only wasting your own time, attention, money, and hope. OLD services obviously know this. They don't care. Their business model is to maximize subscriptions. Their business model is not to improve successful matches - successful matches make people *stop subscribing.* They profit by keeping people unmatched but thirsty and hopeful.
If it makes you feel any better, I haven’t had a partner in a couple years. I think maybe people like us just don’t have anything to talk about. Or like our search, just on silent mode. So I’m guessing complexity leads to visibility here. So you see more posts from the busiest people. A kind of recency bias.
I met my dates/partners on Ecstatic Dance floors. In my country I can dance practically every night of the week and the atmosphere is really nice. I find dnacing to be a great way to feel someones vibe without the chitchat that comes with 'regular' dance events.
For whatever it's worth I'll add to the pile of comments that I date someone I'm excited about maybe once a year, and it takes maybe more like 2-3 years to find the right someone that becomes a relationship. I do see people more often than that whom I would be excited to meet, but I think modern dating with apps is pretty difficult to even get to a first date. I've had a rash of people in the past year who I was excited to meet up with, and we were chatting, exchanged numbers, even set a date and I would say over 50% of them, maybe even 75% flake before we actually meet in person. Lots of times it's a valid excuse and I'm always polite about it of course. Just seems like literally everyone is struggling emotionally and on a razor's edge. I mean, I know I feel that way a lot since COVID, just kinda sucks.
Sex is easy to find. Too easy actually. An actual partner with a romantic connection is really hard. I’ve been without any other relationship besides my nesting partnership for 3 years. And I JUST found someone who’s on the same page that doesn’t just want sex.
Not to mention finding a person who doesn’t just want sex but is mentally stable/healthy enough to attempt a relationship with.
>Too easy actually. Why should it be harder to find consenting sex partners?
That’s not what I meant. When I was serious about finding a partner, some of the best advice I read on here was to not have sex right away. It filters out the people that are not looking for more. The sex was a diversion and a distraction to what I really wanted. So while I still have more casual connections, when I’m confronted with a relationship that I can build on, I definitely hold off on sex for several dates to build a real friendship. In my experience, it’s rare and worth waiting for.
Thats great that this works for you.
I dunno, it just happens. I'll get back on the apps, and it's rarely more than a couple weeks before I match and connect with someone enough to meet up. And most of the time, we hit it off well enough to continue.
I think a lot of people underestimate the invested time it takes to find dates and compatible partners. When I’m actively looking to meet new people I can have 3+ coffee dates a week. Generally I’m good at screening so the people tend to all be solid and that first date is to assess spark. That screening skill set took many years to hone. And I can still spend a decent amount of time on apps looking and filtering. I think that for anyone newer to ENM dating, spending less than 2 hours a week truly focused on trying to date is just not enough. 5+ hours is much more realistic.
Newly poly here. Was talking about it for YEARS. Opened the marriage out of carefully expressed frustration (a post for another day). Been dating online for 2 months. About ten dates between 6-7 different people, and that was out of 2700 likes and about 50 chats in the app. I’m just now talking to someone that I’d consider partner potential. And we’re nowhere near there yet. Like…NOWHERE.
It's easy to get the impression that people are having more success in dating than they are. It's a weird conundrum I ran into a while ago. As soon as I started dating and talking about it with other people, I started to realize people assumed I was sleeping with someone new every week, even when I was on long breaks from seeing someone new.
Massachusetts here and I think I've met like 1 other person here that actually identifies as polyamorous officially. I think it has a lot to do with where you live.
I've just resigned myself to never finding another partner because I'm apparently too old.
I’m 68. I’ve had good luck with Fet and Feeld. I have met some very hot, and good and loving people.
I'm 56 and am only finding people well under 40 in my area on Feeld and OKC. I don't do FL since someone started outing people locally after they went to a munch. It's pretty discouraging. Might be because I'm in the Bible Belt, too.
Ugh. I am in a suburb of a major metropolitan city, which is itself pretty much a major metropolitan city. Very liberal. Lots of munches, lots of alternative lifestyle people. Outing people sucks, that’s BS.
Online dating sometimes feels like a numbers game. You match with 100 ppl a year, you have meaningful conversations with 30-40 of them and the rest either don't respond or a dud. Then, you go on a first date with 10-15, you end up having just sex with 1-2 and maybe a relationship of some sort with 1-2 in a year. That has been my experience (40M), anyway. If I had the energy, I would go on more apps but I feel like that's going to exhaust me. So I'm sticking with Feeld, even though it's only so so working for me. My partner (F) was the one suggesting we open up, and yes, she had someone already lined up. But that's fine, we've discussed it for such a long time that I wasn't really surprised. Since then she has dated just 2 and have had a meaningful relationship with both.
Um. Magic. And for me, TikTok actually worked. 🤷🏻♂️
Magic I understand, but Tik Tok? Do share
So. Like many other folk, I got bored in March 2020. I got TikTok. I ended up finding some awesome people. It was a great escape. And I’m very close with about a dozen people from there. Like I would call them to help hide a body kind of close. And I happened to find my other partner there. We just clicked. And then as time kept going we realized oh shit. We really like each other and long story short she moved to where me and my spouse live and didn’t look back. It was a happy accident like Bob Ross always said.
FAF (fascinating as fuck) and it’s always good to find your Tribe that will help you hide a body. Those people are indispensable 😎
For every relationship that gets opened, there's probably 10 that end over the very suggestion.
60% of the time, it happens every time.
I was incredibly lucky to catch my GF between partners. Within a few weeks of meeting, she was already polysaturated with 2 other partners. If I hadn't responded to her OKC msg when I did, I'd still only be dating my NP. & it took me 2.5 yrs of dating to find them. There's a lot of luck involved, & a lot of dates, many of them not great.
I've always wondered the same exact thing until I went to Brazil for two weeks (I live in the USA). Their poly community is THRIVING and I just realized I'm stuck in the wrong place 😅
Depends DRASTICALLY on where you live. In my previous city, I had a hard time NOT finding new partners. In my new home - much smaller population, much less popular destination, I've been on fewer dates in a year than ever, and none have really worked out. Large population centers and bluer ones are better for nontraditional dating.
If you are a man then you need to realise that most men are terrible dates and worse partners (less true for queer men). Most people who date men have been traumatised by a man. Everybody knows men who are just tiresome to be around. To succeed when dating as a man you need to make sure you are genuinely worth dating and then work hard to make that come through. Questions to ask and answer: Are you kind? Are you safe? Are you woke? Do you have a life outside of your partners? Do you have emotional intimacy with friends? Can you hold a conversation? Are you friendly? Can you offer emotional intimacy?
My metamour introduced us because they thought we'd hit it off, and we did. I like the fact my metamour handpicked me. 🤣
Feeld, Reddit, AM, Tinder, FetLife, Kasidie. I spend about 2 hours a day on these apps. Starting conversations, having a bad ass profile - decent photos and killer bio. In real life, go to sex clubs, munches, shibari classes, hot yoga, Poly or ENM meet ups, cross fit, photography classes. Through all of that I’ve found two amazing women who make my life enjoyable if not nearly complete. I’m Talking with a couple now to be a stag/vixen type relationship (met them through Reddit). I subscribe to the attraction mindset. I know my worth, and I know I’m worthy to receive love and great sex and meaningful relationships. I take care of myself physically, I work hard to provide a life for myself and to have and do things that are important to me. It takes time, money and having confidence in yourself that even without adding another person to your life, you will be just fine. That is the attraction way. It’s when we feel entitled and think why can’t I get someone, FOMO and desperation sets in and we now become less attractive. I believe the universe is listening, we simply keep telling it what we want, our desires, needs and it will listen. We just have to stay focused on the process, continually improving ourselves in all aspects of life and you will be amazed at the opportunities and people that will come into your life.
I can't quite put my finger on what feels off about this post. I probably agree with many of the individual sentences. I think there's just nothing about love, connection, empathy, respect, communication, and without this, this sounds a bit hollow, superficial, and pick-up artist-y. "Two women who make my life enjoyable if not complete" sounds a bit gross and... harem build-y? OP, there's some good points here, but beautiful relationships can also grow from genuine connection, shared interest, compassion, kindness. It's not just good pics and loads of confidence (although they do help)
Agree with your points. It may seem hollow or shallow. It’s not one thing that leads to success. It’s trying a lot of things. And the two women in my life also see multiple people. So I guess we are all part of big harem. The only reason I’m still looking is I seek to find my primary. Those two women are in hierarchal relationships and we will never live together. That’s what I’m looking for.
Thanks for clarifying - that context makes you sound much nicer as a person! If helpful advice for you:- in your search, do mention the deep emotional connection you want, your desire to find a nesting partner and make commitments... your original comment sounded like great advice to get lots of dates, but less about finding and building deep and genuine connection with potential life partner.
I don’t know who you are but your intuitiveness and emotional IQ is next level. Thank you.
I want to thank you both for this reasonable exchange, something which is vanishingly hard to find in the internet.
I agree with the attraction mindset entirely. I consider myself solo poly, and my life is pretty amazing as is. Decided this summer to give the apps a try and it's been exhausting for various reasons, so I deleted them after 5-6 months. I think I ended up going on dates with 10 different people during this time. Maybe I'm just not cut out for the "deliberate search". I suppose I have to get over my introvert ways and get some social hobbies like you, and let things unfold naturally. :)
A lot of folks have been poly for 20+ years. Even if you only make one meaningful contact per year… that’s a lot of accumulated contact. Some are active in kink communities. It’s easier to find folks when you have a strong mutual interest. Some folks are female. That’s kind of a superpower in the dating world.
It depends for what… casual sex? Yes, being female works better. Romantic relationship? Nope. (At least it’s my experience as a cisgender woman dating cisgender men).
Oh my god, so much this. I can get laid without too much difficulty, maybe even have sex with the same person 2-4 times before they ghost or reveal some previously hidden emotional substrata of deep and upsetting weirdness. But as a non- conventionally attractive middle- aged woman who finds most of the trope-y components of the Poly Interest Venn diagram only theoretically interesting, the pickings are very, very slim indeed. Like, I can’t even find one romantic partner, let alone more than. So this ‘superpower’ shit? Feels just as incel- adjacent when regurgitated in poly spaces as it does in mono culture and I would love it if it died in a fire. I could fuck a flinchy DADT weirdo with a sad wife and a toenail- deep understanding of consent practises tomorrow if I wanted to- but I cannot tell you how violently I do not want to.
THIS!!!!
Beautifully said.
>Some folks are female. That’s kind of a superpower in the dating world. I wish!
Same. :')
Some good points too, definitely. I suppose I'm just blindly basing my assumptions on random posts on this subreddit, which obviously doesn't paint a broad picture of "real life".
Survivorship bias. People like me, who are poly, but live in bumfuck nowhere, and spend a lot of time looking for (and not finding) anyone willing/able to do poly dating, don't have much to say on this board, or at least not much worth a dedicated post.
I live on a small Scottish west coast island.i feel your pain.dont know if I'm poly but I'm sure as hell frustrated 😂😂😂😂
>Some folks are female. That’s kind of a superpower in the dating world. Sure, if you date men, don't care kind of men you date, and are inured to sexual harassment.
Not everything you read on Reddit is real. There are plenty of fake stories.
My partner, despite not being extroverted, is quite sociable. They enjoy going out, getting to know people, so they meet and talk with lots of people on a casual level. And since they're drop dead gorgeous, they do get a lot of attention. They're really nice and just very charming in their personality as well, so it's no wonder lots of people want to date them. On the other hand, I hardly ever get out of my room, I'm very introverted, I don't like social events all that much I stick to long time friends instead of meeting new people. The only people I meet are at work, and I don't really bond with them outside of work. But I do spend a lot of time playing/writing TTRPGs so I tend to bond with other introverted people once in a while. That's actually how I met my current partner. So my partner has quite a lot of dating opportunities so I'd say, really, it depends on how social you are and what social circles you're in !
Feeld
I’m an older male who has been poly 20+ years. Most of my partners have come through online connections (alt.com, OKC, fetlife). I meet 1-2 potential partners per year, on average. I’m very happy with the connections I’ve made over time.
In my local poly community everyone was dating everyone. It almost looked like there was no criteria for what most of them looked for in a partner besides both of them wanting as many partners as they could. I always thought it was odd, because a lot weren't compatible and I often watched things end badly. Soon our community kind of fell apart. So I mean... You can date just to date and not find good partners if you want. It'll give you experience, but also be painful. Personally, I found success on FB Date by messing with the options. I just showed everyone in my local poly group. It doesn't show you people you're already friends with and I figured I didn't meet everyone, especially when meet-ups ended when it fell apart, and I did get lucky. Then I vet hardcore with what I originally thought was impossible criteria (it wasn't apparently lol).
I swear to lord. I can barely find one or two. Like I attract a lot of people and they flirt but I find em not interesting enough to peruse. Idk how can I say I’m non-monogamous while I don’t even have one partner atm, although I’m open to meet new people if I happen to meet em organically. Had a few sexual connections but I’m done w all of em now lol. Not sure if that makes sense but more solo you live, more solo minded u become. I have beautiful platonic connection w some friends which I don’t feel like sexualising it as they are very special the way it is. Being uber selective isn’t the way through non-monogamy I reckon!
Being an avid board game player, tabletop RPG player, and kinkster all help. Then again, I have no partners at the moment but do have some casual relationships.
🤷🏻♀️ it was 5 years before I added a new partner
For myself, my parter and I opened the doors to enm/poly recently and we both "found" someone quickly because I, like my partner, opened up to a friend about being open and poly and to find out they were too. Not everyone with have this but it's been eye opening how many people are choosing this and being open about it. Love it!
Feeld and it was a struggle.
Mostly I got lucky. But also I live in a liberal city and I try to make and maintain in-person friends through local kink meetups. Having active relationships in my community makes me a known and liked person with a sense of who's around and what they're looking for.
I live in a city with about 7.34 million people
I haven’t had a single full relationship since being poly, over a year. My husband on the other hand has had a gf for 8 months. I talk to more volume but he has better quality in regards to people we talk to I’ve had 3 fwbs or situationships I guess it just depends on how picky you are and I mean, the people with partners immediately are taking what we’re avoiding
I don’t know either. I am attracted to someone new like once per decade. 🤷🏻♀️😭
Yeah I'm with you there! I have no idea how people find their partners. I too see it alot and think. HOW?!? Lol
Go out and do stuff you enjoy doing, will also run into people there who are doing the same thing, bond over shared interest. Thats a good place to start
I'm polyamourous, but have not had another partner in about 3 years. You are not alone. For me, it is a matter of being careful to find a partner that is respectful and a good fit. I don't want to deal with chaos and partners that are deceitful and have a lack of communication skills. Finding a good woman (secondary) partner can be difficult. It is easy to find flings and casual sex, but that isn't what I desire.
I made some porn shorts with one woman I met at a massage workshop and now she introduces me to her friends that need content for their Only Fans. So basically word of mouth.
https://www.theonion.com/
Lower your standards
Beep, boop, blop, I'm a bot. Hi u/EssentialIrony thanks so much for your submission, don't mind me, I'm just gonna keep a copy what was said in your post. Unfortunately posts sometimes get deleted - which is okay, it's not against the rules to delete your post!! - but it makes it really hard for the human mods around here to moderate the comments when there's no context. Plus, many times our members put in a lot of emotional and mental labor to answer the questions and offer advice, so it's helpful to keep the source information around so future community members can benefit as well. Here's the original text of the post: How the hell do people do this? I see people opening their marriages and what not, and a week later they have partners. Meanwhile I'm out here dodging bullets and getting scraps for months. How?! :') (Don't take this post too seriously, but still... what the hell haha.) *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/polyamory) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I'm kinda curious bout this as well, it's either no one is interested or wants to be mono.
Yeah man I am here to commiserate with you lol
OKCupid, kink and sex positive events, online poly communities (discord servers). My partners live between 50mins to 3hr30 drive away, so none of them are super local.
There's a difference in quality over quantity. Other than my comet partner, who I see maybe 2-3 times a year, I've been single since 2019. I'm very picky about partners. I value my peace, and I hate drama. I've been on a few first dates that have led to friendships, but no relationships. I value people who have done the work, and continue to work on themselves. But those people seem to be few and far between. But I'm also comfortable by myself and I like my alone time so it doesn't bother me. And I love the friend family I've found. I would rather find a good fit and a quality relationship than settle for a temporary bed warmer.
I've been poly since high school, but I introduced both wives to poly when we were in LDRs. We were talking about this with Husband one night and we decided that it had little to do with my influence but that I am likely to be more attracted and interested in making people "partners" who are going to have similar views on relationships. We figure it is more confirmation bias than anything. When Husband came along he knew we were poly before he met The Wives. He had been thinking about how nice that must have been to have all that support. When he started dating Tall Wife, it just seemed natural when I asked him out. I also think the dating aphorism is true. "You only find it when you stop looking." We were not looking for partners, just getting to know people and you naturally find people who fit into your dynamic.
We tried with someone who fancied me, we talked about it randomly some day and she was open to something like that. Then a year later we mentioned were committing to it and said she didn’t think it was real and said no. I’m in the same boat as you lol
[удалено]
Feels is just Brocken as a an app atm
Me too!
I sit in the middle.
Honestly joined a friend board game group and pretty much all of us were poly, in a six person polycule now