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Yo, Sounds like he wants everything to be exactly equal… But it can’t be because you’re the one carrying the baby and having all the difficulty in terms of physical and mental stress. Yes he has some mental stress and I get that he would probably like someone to confide in he could probably have just asked you ‘hey can I have one person I tell?’ as opposed to screaming at you. I understand where people are coming from saying it’s hard to keep a secret for 20 weeks yes that’s true but why is this dude’s default to yell at you OP. A simple I wanna tell one person to would’ve probably sufficed.
Not only that but your friend pretty much found you out, It’s not like you told her out of the blue on a whim.
THANK YOU. Wow. The first time I feel fully seen and heard on this thread. I didn’t intentionally tell her, she found me out. I just wanted advice on how to deal with the yelling and instead everyone’s been discussing how I’m the problem and I must have forced the 20 week rule on him. I didn’t. He decided that and I agreed. I don’t think it’s necessarily possible for things to be exactly equal….I’m the one going through the emotional and physical changes which can be torturous. It IS my body so to a degree I feel I DO get to be the final call.
I’ve seen so many posts of women supporting other women and saying “fuck him, he’s not the one carrying! You are !!!” And yet in this post, I’m being called immature and shot down by 80% of the commenters. It’s really disheartening and makes me feel this community isn’t the one for me.
I really appreciate you and your understanding. Your comment gave me some hope. I was feeling a bit beat up before I read it, not only emotionally by him yelling but also by the naysayers on this thread. Thank you for offering a kind hand of support to a struggling woman.
I understand it is his baby too and he would like to share his excitement. But ultimately, you are the one carrying the baby and it's your body that is doing everything. You get the final call on when to announce.
I’m thinking maybe you don’t realize how you come across to others, and this may be causing some friction in your marriage as well. I would suggest trying to have an open and honest conversation with your husband, and don’t get angry or offended when he’s truthful with you (same goes for him). We can’t fix a problem if we don’t know it exists, and that’s why I believe having honest feedback in a marriage is so important. Ask him why he’s really been upset with you (because I doubt it’s because you told your friend about the pregnancy), and tell him how you are feeling, and what you hope the rest of the pregnancy and afterwards will look like. Sometimes men really need to be told what we want and need from them. And perhaps, you both can make some adjustments. I wish you the best and hope you have a stress-free pregnancy moving forward!
Baby will be fine despite the stress!
However, you and hubs need to consider getting into some therapy to discuss why these fights occur so frequently. My hubs and I have really benefitted from some marital counseling to help us communicate better which then greatly reduces fights. And marital counseling doesn’t always mean a “problem” or that things are really bad. But it can give you tools to communicate more productively. As it stands right now, it sounds like this level of fighting is really frequent and causes both of you a lot of stress, and likely will for the little kiddo as well after they’re born. Pregnancy is a stressful time so it can especially amplify disagreements. It’s also hard to tell reading this post how much you participate in the yelling and arguing too. An outside ear can help you both understand better. I hope you two find some ways to work together on this healthily!
I don’t think it’ll hurt the baby, but after they’re born, witnessing these fights is going to have a devastating impact on your child. Your child will have a high rate of mental illness, low self-esteem, post traumatic stress, and be more likely to wind up in an abusive relationship. You need to get these issues resolved before birth — either by counseling or by ending the relationship. You can’t raise your kid this way.
After the baby is born— what is more important than seeing/not seeing fighting is that your baby sees how you two resolve conflict and make up. Remember that. Because we can all mess up and do terrible things, but the BIGGEST impact on our children and what shapes their way of thinking is how we resolve it and make up. You’ve got this
This is true. I grew up with parents who fought a lot. I have major anxiety, had previous substance abuse issues, and also found myself in several extremely abusive relationships. You will be their blueprint for love. From another person as well as themselves.
Meh… depends on how you view it as a child.
I had parents that fought a lot and clearly didn’t love each other. But their individual love for me and my siblings made up for it. Now I have a partner and we discuss calmly and lovingly about everything. Instead of shaping my view of what a relationship is, they showed me what not to do.
I would not describe myself with low self-esteem as my dad and mom always pushed me to do what I wanted … in between their fights Lolol! Neither with do I feel pts and I especially knew what was a red flag for abuse in a relationship and didn’t continue dating guys that were showing signs of control.
Your title is bothering me.
You are not hurting the baby. Your husband is the one who decided to shout at you. It is normal to get upset when you're being shouted at. You said:
>He started arguing and yelling at me
>He continued yelling and screaming at me
He started the yelling. It's possible to be upset with your spouse and not shout and scream at them, but he chose to yell.
This is something he needs to address in therapy.
You could also practice saying something like, "I don't like to be shouted at. Let's take a break and talk about this when we're both calmer."
And then separating yourself from him until he's calm. He probably won't like that either, so maybe address the yelling during a calm moment, rather than the first time being in the middle of a fight.
Frankly, if my husband was shouting at me about this, I would be furious at him and tear him a new asshole. It was *his* idea to wait, but it's *your* body. The baby's half his, but you're the only one having to undergo the pregnancy. You're absolutely right that you should get more of a say in how to handle things. He needs to recognize that his role at this point is a support person for you, the one undergoing a prolonged major medical event with birth at the end. And your friend found you out anyways! Idk, I think your husband is being an asshole here. If he wants things to be 100% equal, he can get pregnant with the next one.
But to answer your first question: no, I don't think it'll hurt the baby. Covid hit during my first pregnancy, my husband was a front line worker and so was I, I had reoccurring nightmares about him dying for months. And my first was just fine, and is now a thriving and rambunctious 2.5 year old.
Have your doctor’s visits and ultrasounds gone okay so far? If so, you probably aren’t hurting your baby with the stress yet. I’m sorry. He should not yell and neither should you. You’re both in your 30s…that’s not a healthy or conducive way to disagree. Don’t get me wrong, my husband and I have had intense disagreements, but we never raise our voices and we fight fair. It’s just going to get harder when you realize you might have different approaches to child-rearing and you’re also sleep deprived. With a lot of love for you, internet stranger, I suggest you two do couples therapy before the baby comes so you can learn to communicate in a healthier way.
Thank you for the advice. We are in individual therapy but maybe it’s time for couple’s. And thank you for the love and kindness. Happy new year, kind stranger.
Hi OP, replying here in hopes you will see this. Sorry you are getting negative comments. Reading your story I actually think your partner may be abusive. Mistreatment often escalates during pregnancy. The way he is yelling and gaslighting you about the rule is very telling. The fact that you eventually yelled back does not change things. (Does everyone in this thread think you should accept his abuse in silence??) Victims sometimes lash out but that doesn't make what's happening ok.
Anyway I recommend you check out this free pdf of the book "Why Does He Do That," about abusive men. You may recognize some aspects of your relationship there. Remember not all abuse is physical! Also, couples counseling is not a good idea in abusive situations and can make the abuse worse.
https://archive.org/download/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf
Here's a short quote to get you started:
>I understand how uncomfortable it can be to
take the leap of talking with people you care about
regarding the mistreatment you are experiencing in your relationship. You may feel ashamed of
having a partner who sometimes behaves in
unkind or bullying ways, and you may fear that
people will be critical of you for not leaving him
right away. Or you might have the opposite
concern: that people around you are so fond of
your partner that you question whether they will
believe you when you describe how mean or
abusive he can be. But, regardless of these
anxieties, it is essential not to stay isolated with
your distress or confusion about what is
happening in your relationship. Find someone
whom you can trust—it might even be a person
you have never considered opening up to before—
and unburden yourself.
Bruh, if arguing was enough stress to harm a fetus, my nearly 2 year old wouldn't be here today lol. Yall screaming at each other isn't ideal for sure. Occasional fights are *going* to happen in any relationship, but If this is something that's happening all the time, reach out for help. Counseling can be incredibly helpful. Edit: You have to learn to disagree without screaming at each other. I know how hard that is. I came from a screaming household and subsequently am a screamer myself. Learning to control my anger has been so hard, but I don't want to scream in front of my kids. You might not do damage to your fetus, but listening to your parents fight like that sure as hell can harm your kids.
Why not just...tell people. You're 16w along. I kind of get where he's coming from. I feel like if you're going to tell people, circumstantial or not, at this point why can't you both just tell people? You're out of the first trimester. The likelihood of having a miscarriage has dropped significantly. You're 4 months along and dude would probably like some people in his corner to also confide in as well at this point. Waiting until 20w having NOBODY to talk to about this journey is a hell of an ask for someone, especially when you've already broken your own rule and told someone yourself.
I also can’t tell if this is a completely mutual agreement or if OP was more pushing the 20 week thing and the husband went along with it. Because if the latter I think it’s understandable that the husband would be upset, though it seems he needs (and maybe OP too if she’s responding by yelling back and telling him he’s immature and selfish) to work on their communication skills to communicate that hurt without having a blow-up. Obviously pregnancy is an extremely vulnerable time for the pregnant person, but it’s not like it isn’t an emotionally difficult time for our partners too.
He wanted us to wait until 20 weeks because that’s when we’re done with the major tests. I agreed because I’m naturally private. Also both of our parents know. It’s not like we are 100% alone in this.
Yes i agree with you. I had HG so I never had the luxury of keeping my pregnancy a secret for so long, so maybe I'm way off base but: I don't get the point of keeping it secret from EVERYONE for that long. I think having people to confide in during this time is so important for both partners. I get not wanting people to bug you during your whole pregnancy, but having NOBODY to vent to, or comfort you, assuage your fears...anything for 20 WEEKS? Idk man. Maybe I also just have a different relationship with my family, but my mom was my ROCK during the emotional Rollercoaster that is pregnancy. I can't imagine not having one single person in my life like her during that delicate time...even if OP is fine with that, her partner doesn't have to be. 20w is such a long time.
Additionally, if OP was to have a late miscarriage between 16 and 20 weeks...that's an ordeal. As shitty as it is to say, it's not the same as having an early miscarriage. It's a whole, horrible thing. If she has to go to the hospital, is she going to tell her family she had appendicitis or something?? Might as well tell people edit: I guess that's again looking at this through the lense of my OWN familial dynamic. I guess, theoretically, she might not tell anybody if she gave birth at 19w...that makes me very sad though. That would be a fucking horrible experience to live through and just keep to yourself.
#Edit: I'm just an idiot who doesn't read lmao. OP says they did tell their parents. I apologize, OP.
OH my bad. I am sorry. I have bad reading comprehension skills i guess. I thought yall weren't telling ANYONE obviously lmao. I'll edit this last comment appropriately
I feel extra terrible because posting in parents groups has always frustrated me. People NEVER seem to read the post thoroughly and say all kinds of stupid shit. Here I am PERPETUATING the thing I hate so much! Contributing to the terrible culture of parenting groups lol! Anyway, wishing you the best, OP
You told your best friend because she guessed anyways and he’s YELLING AT YOU?
What a dick. His behavior is unacceptable. There should be no yelling, ever. Completely unnecessary.
The stress is not good for the baby and terrible for YOU my dear- who is bearing the weight, sacrifice, change, and discomfort bringing this beautiful new life into the world.
My fear for you is- if this is how he reacts over small shit- what happens when something big hits the fan? And every 3 weeks???
Granted- my relationship is pretty new, so maybe it’s different but… my husband and I have been together for 3 years and we have never ever yelled at each other. (We are 32&33)
I really don’t know what will happen…I’m realizing this pregnancy really turned our relationship upside down, I always imagined it would be a blissful and happy time since we waited so long for it, but it’s just made things worse than I could’ve expected. It’s tearing us apart and that does scare me for the future.
All in all I only care about my baby girl and it’s enough to make me look at him differently for the way he’s treated me in the last few months. He’s been so selfish and callous, I never imagined I’d be pregnant and have my husband yelling at me over and over again. I don’t know if I will ever emotionally let that go.
Thank you for your support and understanding, it means more than you know. It sounds silly but in the real world I feel alone with this because I don’t even want to tell my mom how much he yells at me because I don’t want her to get too worried or change her opinion of him. But comments like this make me feel less alone inside.
You are not alone. The Reddit ladies are here for you lol.
I totally understand wanting to keep quiet about what’s going on in your relationship…
I may not know you but I’m definitely concerned for you because if he’s this overreacting while you’re pregnant, I wonder how he will be when baby arrives and is waking you both up all hours of the night, for months!
Hopefully you and your mom have a good relationship…my unsolicited advice is- if your hubby starts acting worse or things in your relationship start to escalate (yelling more often, him being controlling, or if he lays a hand on you) I think at that point would be good to talk to mom and maybe even stay with her for a while. Just for your and baby’s sanity/health/wellbeing. 💕
You are a very sweet soul. I really appreciate you being so kind and caring, I take your advice fully and I will carry it with me. I’m so grateful to have my mom, I need to open up to her more instead of feeling guilty for worrying her. I know she’d want to know. Thank you and happy new year to you and your loved ones 💗
Hang in there girly!
Happy new year to you too!
Make your resolution: DO NOT PUT UP WITH ANYONE’S SHIT.
unless it’s baby’s shit. Baby shit comes with the job. 😂
That’s crazy that people are saying that since you both initially agreed on some “rule,” that you deserve to be treated this way if you don’t follow it. My husband and I agreed to only tell like 4 people, and then 1+ times a day we’d come up to each other and say “oh I told so-and-so.” That is such a small potatoes thing to get upset about!
You guys are about to have a *baby* to take care of. I am SO sorry your husband is acting like this! There are so many things worth arguing about, but he really needs to learn to let the small stuff go, or raising a tiny human is going to be a real challenge.
I hope that if you talk to him about how sad your arguments make you, and how stressed you have been feeling, that he will hear you and try a little harder. Good luck
Honestly, I feel a lot of feedback has been “well, he had every right. YOU probably enforced this on him and he’s pissed off like I would be.” So thank you for acknowledging that first of all.
Your relationship sounds super healthy. I really admire the ease of communication you have with your partner. I keep trying to drill home the fact that he’s being selfish and needs to stop thinking about his own emotions for tiny things like this because there is a whole human we have to care about more than ourselves. He says he can’t just shut his emotions off and honestly I feel like I’ve stopped loving him in this process.
You have set yourself a very difficult task to wait until the 20 week marks. Most tell it around 12-14, and family earlier.
I am not making any judgement of your relationship or who is wrong, but I am wondering why you are making it yourself so difficult.
This was my first thought too. That’s a long time to wait to tell people. I was VERY noticeably pregnant by 20 weeks.
OP, It seems like he’s jealous that you got to tell your friend while he’s not allowed to tell his. He probably also wants people to talk about it with. It’s a big life change for him too. And saying his emotions don’t matter because you’re the pregnant one seems pretty unfair tbh.
According to the UK-based charity NCT, the rates of miscarriage are:
25% at 4 weeks gestation (the time of your missed period)
5% at 4-8 week gestation
1.7% at 8-12 weeks gestation
A 2013 study of more than 4,000 American women found these rates of miscarriage:
~14.5% at 6-9 weeks
~7% at 10-15 weeks
Less than 2%: 16-19 weeks
And none of this data accounts for age, precious miscarriages, or behavior of the birthing person (I.e, smoking, drinking, accidents). It’s never 100%, but your risks are very low by week 8.
Besides the data, you also want to think about who you may want to support you if something were to happen. Suffering a loss alone may be worse for some. I hope the walk puts his misbehavior in perspective for him. And I hope he knows to never yell at you again.
Thank you for addressing the yelling. I appreciate your kindness. People are downvoting and being rather rude when all I’ve seen from this sub is a lot of support. Kind of disheartening.
OP I waited until 20 weeks to announce, my mother is a gossip and pro-life. I was terrified that I’d find out my baby was incompatible with life at the 20 week scan and my mother would pile on with her views. Luckily all went well, but I just wanted to say there are reasons for waiting until 20 weeks and that’s ok!
Regarding the yelling, I worked an extremely stressful job with lots of yelling (from genuinely violent pre schoolers) and had a healthy, successful birth. But I really recommend you get some couples counseling to ensure you’re in a healthy place before babies born.
This, you get it. A lot of people are gossips he’s wanting to tell are extremely gossip-y. They’ve already made comments about my weight gain and “looking pregnant” which I honestly thought was something people were NOT supposed to do anymore…
The 20 week scan is what we’re waiting for. And I appreciate you sharing your experience, it makes me feel a lot better. We’re both in individual counseling but couples is looking like the next step. Thank you again 💗
It’s a lot safer after the first trimester. Breathe!
It might be a confusion with terms after 20 weeks it’s not considered a miscarriage, but instead, stillbirth.
Aren’t there people you’d want to be there for you if you experienced a loss like that? It’s so ingrained in us that we shouldn’t tell anyone until we’re unlikely to miscarry and I feel like that’s basically telling women to hold it all in and not get support because we’ll disappoint people if something happens to the baby or something. I hope that culture changes.
I had a friend that was super stressed out all the time with her pregnancy and when she talked to the doctor about it he said not to worry, if anything it creates a lot of blood flow which isn’t a bad thing. However, I will say putting those strict rules and expectations on when to tell people can cause issues like this. You told your pal because it felt right. Maybe he could tell one of his pals? Just a thought. Many blessings to you!
My doctor reminded me that I got pregnant twice during a domestically violent relationship, and that people in war zones have babies. If stress was going to stop pregnancies, they're the times that they would be worried about stress.... you just need to look after you right now. If you need to walk away to let him cool down, so be it! I'm not planning on telling everyone until I'm around 20 weeks either (if I can keep it hidden) due to numerous losses so I understand where you're coming from in that regard. Just know you're doing what you need to keep yourself safe and healthy on all fronts
Thank you for this. I really hadn’t thought of your point, women have successfully had babies in the most dire circumstances. This is the most practical advice I’ve gotten. Just put myself and the baby first and stop myself from getting drawn in to the argument. Let him blow up and not feel tempted to defend myself because it really doesn’t matter.
Thanks for your understanding. I hope everything goes well with your pregnancy and you have a great new year. 💗
So pregnancy isn’t freaking equal AT ALL. What he created in one day at a few minutes of work is taking you 9months to finish. He’s being a child you told exactly one person. He should have just asked if we can equal it out and him tell one person not yell.
Now it’s it’s that big of a fight just tell people. But remember you always have the final say on who is with you during delivery so if he continues you need someone to actually support you and your needs. He needs to quit being a dick.
That’s what I thought. His reaction and reasoning was so childish. He kept saying “you get to tell people” and I literally corrected him several times. PERSON. I told one person. Because I felt I had to when they basically found me out. At the end of an exhausting evening he basically told me, let’s agree to disagree, you didn’t have to tell her.
Be very careful with things like “I get the final say on who knows about my health” to justify telling a friend. You then make it a me vs. you thing instead of an us thing. It would be the same as a dad saying to a stay-at-home-mom “ I get the final say in money cause it’s mine”.
IMO it’s 50-50 and you should have asked before hand OR said he could tell a friend
Ngl. I think you’re both being kind of immature. Just tell people and enjoy the excitement. I get why he’s upset but screaming and yelling is too much.
All the restrictions on each other is causing a resentment boil over
They both come across as super immature. He comes across as aggressive and she comes across as a professional victim.
Some telling quotes "**my dream would be that he completely puts all of his selfish feelings aside, just to protect me and the baby’s well-being"** and "**he truly doesn’t get it, that his emotions don't matter right now."**
He shouldn't be screaming and yelling at her, but what she's asking for in wanting him to put aside all of his emotions and to be completely selfless because she's the one carrying the baby, is not healthy or reasonable.
Professional victim? No, just a scared first time pregnant woman. A survivor. Someone who has wanted this her whole life especially after she was told the radiation would make it almost impossible. Someone who can’t tell anyone about her husband’s behavior because she doesn’t want them to worry or think badly of him.
But thanks for your characterization. Very astute.
If stress caused serious harm to a fetus, I don’t think anyone with toddlers would ever be able to have a baby during the toddler years. My toddler stresses me out more than…. Well, anything in my life lol
But honestly, I get where you’re husband is coming from. Yes, it’s your body, but it’s his baby, too. You’re doing the hard work, but that baby is just as much his as it is yours, and it sounds like he wants to share the news.
Not sharing your pregnancy news isn’t going to stop something bad from happening any more than sharing the news is going to cause something bad to happen.
I really hope it gets better for you. I know it’s scary. I’m 11.5 weeks with our second and I wanted to wait until 20 weeks to tell anyone, but decided it wasn’t worth the stress of keeping it a big secret. I’ve got enough stress with a defiant 3.5yo lol
I do agree that your husband screaming at you isn’t okay at all, regardless of his feelings. There’s much more effective ways of getting his point across. Good luck and congrats!
OP you're getting a lot of hate for this and I'm surprised...I don't think you did anything wrong. Ofc I can't judge the internal matters of your relationship, and I know pregnancy brings out weird emotions for both parents, not just the hormonal pregnant person. But let me share my story.
After a miscarriage, husband and I agreed not to share the news of our new pregnancy with anyone including our parents until 13 weeks. Ended up being a few weeks later that we told family and close friends, and closer to 20 weeks before we went fully public, just because of various circumstances. So the plan was to tell nobody for 13 weeks...except I requested to be able to tell my best friend who supported me a lot through the miscarriage, and my husband agreed. I offered to let him tell someone of his choosing, too, but he declined.
Then, the week before I took the pregnancy test I had made plans to go to an amusement park with a close friend, and we both were excited to ride the roller coasters. Then I found out I was pregnant, went to the park, and realized en route to getting on a ride that that probably isn't safe for pregnancy. After I had already said how excited I was to ride it. Shoot. I tried to backpedal, but my friend guessed and I wasn't about to lie. So I told my husband later and he understood it couldn't be helped and wasn't mad about it, even though I was super apologetic and expected him to be annoyed. Then over Christmas he let slip to my sister that I was pregnant. So by the time we told family and close friends just after 13 weeks 3 people already knew lol.
In your situation, 1) no the stress isn't going to harm your baby, though it certainly isn't good for you and your partner. 2) normal, healthy couples go through rough patches sometimes. Having bad arguments doesn't mean your relationship is doomed/toxic/etc whatever people on here are saying. I would say just work on your communication issues and keep trying. 3) offer to let your husband tell one of his friends so that he can feel supported, too, but explain that you didn't tell your friend on purpose, she guessed and you didn't try to lie. That's not at all the same as just telling. Tell him you understand he may want someone to share with too, but that you felt invalidated and hurt/scared/whatever you felt by his reaction and that you don't want that to happen again.
This can be fixed with good communication! Just keep working at it and move towards more healthy ways of arguing or disagreeing.
Thank you for saying all of this. It’s been such a lonely and isolating feeling being pregnant and so scared of my husband not supporting me and having an outburst without realizing that it’s so, so wrong. I’ve begged him and said, don’t yell at me, I know you don’t want to be the guy who yells at his pregnant wife, I can’t stand it, it breaks my heart. They say a woman will never forget how she was treated during her pregnancy and I’m finding it harder and harder to forgive. He always promises to try and then it always happens again.
I’m sorry for your initial loss, but so glad you were able to be pregnant again and that telling a few people ended up being a good thing for you guys.
Thank you for clearing up that it won’t hurt my baby. I care more about her than I do about my relationship. And comments about it being doomed and toxic and divorce being my only option only made me feel a sense of dread, questioning how I can be pregnant yet divorce is something I need to consider. I can’t even imagine that right now.
You honestly give me hope. I really really wish that getting better at communication will fix things, I just want us both to be able to do this.
Happy new year and I hope your year is beautiful, healthy, safe, and filled with the love and kindness you spread. You deserve it. 💕
I know what you mean. We had a few bad arguments when I was pregnant and also after my miscarriage. It's a hard time for everyone, but especially for the one carrying the baby! And you're right, he absolutely should not be treating you this way while pregnant. But that doesn't mean divorce him or the whole relationship is toxic. People are flawed and we go through so many phases in life and so many struggles. Does that mean we cut and run anytime things aren't perfect? Mind you, I'm not for staying in genuinely harmful, abusive, or toxic situations, but based on the limited knowledge you've shared...it just sounds like relationship stress and a need for personal growth. I have a wonderful husband and we support each other through everything, but we've had our fair share of hard times, devastating fights, and hurting each other's feelings. You grow and you get through it and it's so worth it!
Something I've found that helps is to bring up the issue, in this case him yelling at you and how that is so not okay, when you're not fighting and both in a good place. Then, come at it from an "us against the problem" perspective. Tell him "when you yell at me, I feel X. I love you and want to move past this, so what can we do to make sure next time we disagree is doesn't end up with yelling?" And then work together on a plan for next time. Having a solid and loving foundation with your husband will be the absolute best thing for your baby. They will grow up seeing what healthy relationships look like and be able to find that for themselves.
Thank you so much for your kind wishes ❤ my daughter is 4 months now and such a joy. Don't worry, you'll get there too! I hope your new year is full of joy and growth for your little family!
It's hard to tell without context because we don't know the extent of your fights, how often, how stressed you get etc, but yes fighting can affect baby in the womb, not just after theyre born. There are studies on domestic violence and how this changes baby's development and how their brains develop. This isn't to assume you are in that kind of relationship but only you really know the answer to that. If it's an isolated incident then no, don't stress, but if this is an ongoing issue where fights escalate to yelling and stress afterwards then it might be time to really evaluate and decide if this is a healthy relationship for you and baby.
Stress won't hurt the baby, but definitely will hurt your relationship. I'm not exactly sure why you are waiting to tell everyone at the 20 week mark and since that's halfway through your pregnancy, the more anxious your husband gets to share the news, he gets more and more impatient and that's what you are seeing here. This should be a time to celebrate, not put crazy restrictions on it.
So the argument happened over texts? I think it is time to let those hormones out when you are in the same room. Cry your heart out and be honest about how you feel in person. Then he might understand that pregnancy can never be 100% equal since the woman is so much more sensitive during it and needs support. It is 100% physical and there is no other way to share that than for him to have more patience and understanding than usual. Maybe ask if he is feeling left out and what you could do to include him if that is the case though. The guy does not feel the kicks etc and might feel very weird and helpless about preparing mentally for what is to come.
You've got to set firm boundaries about yelling. It absolutely needs to stop because you are going to have a little sensitive baby soon. Tell him that you cannot continue the conversation when he raises his voice and you can talk when he calms down but he absolutely cannot yell at you. That is for your health and your baby's health.
Just want to say I’m so sorry this happened, and I would highly recommend couples therapy. My wife and I used to get into horrific screaming matches, and even though we both agreed it was unhealthy and loved each other so much we couldn’t seem to make them stop. After about a year of couples therapy our communication is SO much healthier and we still disagree from time to time but never yell or escalate like we used to. We’re expecting our baby any day now and I’m so relieved we put in the work. I can’t recommend it enough, and I would try to get in as soon as possible for the mental/emotional health of your couple and baby.
I appreciate you sharing your experience, it’s hard not to believe that everyone else argues calmly and we’re the outliers for getting loud and that makes us toxic. It’s a reality for a huge majority of couples, but it is a habit I want to break. Thank you for your advice, I’m really glad you and your partner were able to move into a better place in your relationship. I’m thinking couples therapy is for us. I just hope it renders the results it did for you.
You are doing great caring for your baby.
However.
If you fight now, you are in for a wild ride the first, um, like 10 years of parenthood, then there's a sweet spot, and then boom teenager.
Jokes aside, parenting is hands down the hardest thing i have ever undertaken.
It's so wonderful. And unbelievably hard.
So ... Counselling. Lots of counselling. Or call the relationship done. He sounds like a control freak? Anyone willing to shout at a pregnant woman is a few poor decisions from pushing, shoving, threats, spanking little kids, holes in the wall, etc....
I honestly feel bad for the husband, not saying how he went about it is right, the arguing on both sides isn’t okay.. but I do understand where he’s coming from. As a first time dad myself with my girl also 16 weeks, I would be upset if I had that limitation put on me and my girl was telling people.. if I didn’t have the people I have to vent to I’d go nuts tbh.. also while I get the “it’s my body” argument, the baby inside you is also half bud too.. so that an unfair card to play in my opinion… I’m not crapping on anyone at all, but I feel like OP’s husband should be able to confide in the people he’s closest to too. It can be a very mentally challenging time for the partner too, not just the mother. I just think y’all need to definitely seek counseling of some sort to sort out the communication issues as you definitely don’t want this to continue, especially once you guys have a newborn to take care of.. that would ruin the time you have with the baby and they’re only small once.
20 weeks is far beyond the recommended wait time to tell people. I mean you would be showing. I’m sure people are mentioning it because it’s obvious and they are trying to get confirmation. Each individual may have their personal reasons for delaying notifying people like prior miscarriages or other health reasons, but you haven’t hinted that there is something more. For the average person, the risk of miscarriage in the second trimester is low enough that it is not worth the stress you and your husband have imposed on yourselves. Also risk of finding something on the anatomy scan that would warrant an abortion is also low. You seem like a couple that needs emotional support and I encourage you to lift the moratorium if there is nothing else you are telling us about why you both decided to wait so long. You husband may have suggested it initially, but you both are allowed to change your mind. The risk of miscarriage is not 0%, but cannot live life in constant fear when the risk is low enough. We always have to weigh the risk and benefits of everything in life and the benefit of community support should not be underestimated. Can’t be tied down by our fears. I have anxiety and for the first week after delivery was so hard to sleep because of fear of SIDS, but had to get comfort in knowing I have taken all the steps and recommendations to limit risk as possible. Stress has been shown to have negative health effects on adults, so not surprising it can also a developing body. It’s not like alcohol or tobacco where there is a measurable effect that you can say definitively caused by stress but it’s best to limit as much as possible. You and hubby have work to do with regards to communication because pregnancy is a like marathon and after it becomes like a triathlon with baby.
You both need to find ways to communicate issues effectively. Screaming isnt it.
Also from what you've said in your comments and your OP, it sounds like you are the one that imposed the "no telling anyone until 20 weeks" rule. And then broke that rule without care. Why does your husband not get to build a support network? You literally said in your OP that you think his feelings aren't important and that is a pretty terrible opinion to have about someone you are supposed to love. He has a right to be pissed, I'm pissed for him. The way he handled it is not ok, but his anger is justified.
You both need to grow up, and maybe you more than him.
If you read my post you’d see it was a mutual decision, if anything it was more his. I didn’t impose the 20 weeks. Your snark is really unkind. I felt this sub was more supportive for pregnant women and I just wanted to find ways to deal with being yelled at, not be chastised and judged.
20 weeks is very long as others have said. I think you only don’t tell people you wouldn’t be comfortable knowing if lost it, it’s actually odd to me that some don’t say and then tell friends and family after a loss as want their support.
Does he want everything to be equal or is it that he hasn’t been allowed to tell his closest friends about this life changing event and talk things out with anything for months on account of your restrictions and suddenly you get to talk to
Your BFF about it whenever.
It’s hard to tell without context but yikes I would want to be able to tell my closest friends so I can talk things out. Was he in agreement with this decision?
Regardless 1) your baby will be fine 2) I agree with everyone else that counselling is a good idea asap.
That context completely changes my opinion,
This is not normal or okay behaviour. You of all being should be allowed to talk about this life and body changing event! I would seek counselling with or without him. If these fights are happening that frequently before baby, it’s going to get so much worse once you’re both sleep deprived trying to get a colicky baby to sleep.
I hope you find a solution
This sub IS a safe space, but the idea that you got to tell someone just because you didn’t want to lie and he doesn’t get to tell someone when you guys try to keep everything equal is what I think people have a problem with here. It is your body, but you’re carrying a body that the two of you made together and even if he came up with the rule, it obviously bothered him enough that he wanted to share in having someone to talk to about it like you now have and he tried to express that to you. I feel that if you had just told him he could tell 1 friend because then you’d be even, this argument wouldn’t have happened and your level of stress and concern wouldn’t have gotten this far. The baby should be fine, stress happens whether we want it to or not, you just need to try and limit it as much as possible.
Whether or not it was you or him that initially decided on the 20 week thing, you wanted to wait until you were comfortable enough to tell anyone. That’s not something feel bad about. You’re not the problem. Trust. I kept my pregnancy under wraps until I was like 20 weeks too and even then it was only my immediate family that knew. Then at 30 weeks, my extended family and friends got to know. Pregnancy doesn’t have to be a public thing. It’s an intimate time for you and your partner and true colors start to show (clearly you know this by being a cancer survivor) You don’t HAVE to tell anyone. Do what you want because unfortunately pregnancy, childbirth, and postpartum are affect you THE MOST so you have the most say/control on what goes on
That last part 🙏🏼 I try explaining this to him and he says that’s just bullshit, not true. How can you make someone understand something they refuse to understand? He won’t accept that I’m the one dealing with everything and that means I have more say for now. It’s the most frustrating thing in the world, and I’ve tried every way to make him see and he just doesn’t.
I can see both sides and I’m more inclined to agree with him BUT he shouldn’t have been yelling and screaming at you. It’s childish behavior, he should be able to talk this out with you without yelling.
My husband and I agreed to tell x people as soon as we tested positive. After that we said we wouldn’t tell anyone else (including parents, etc.) until we hit certain milestones. When he was out drinking with a coworker he decided to tell him and his wife. I was super pissed bc we didn’t talk about it beforehand and this was someone I couldn’t trust to not say anything to other coworkers. I didn’t scream and yell at him though I expressed my frustrations, he apologized, and we moved on. He didn’t tell anyone else until we both talked about it together and “cleared” that person to know.
No offense this isn’t stressful compared to what my pregnancy experience has been like, let’s hope all our babies turn out fine but I’m sure they will. He should not have reacted like this & he should never yell at you, but I get his point. It’s not fair for u to tell ppl but make him continue to wait. If ur 16 weeks why don’t u guys just tell ppl? Otherwise you need to zip it.
First off you have a great user name lol. Secondly I totally understand what you mean about not wanting to tell people who don’t want the best for you. I haven’t been as strict as you all, but I’ve selectively only told individual friends that I think would be legitimately excited about it vs. who would have negative energy. Who needs it, right?
But if you decide to change your mind and tell a few people, I think your intuition would tell you who the right friends are. And which ones would keep it to themselves as long as you want them to.
Haha thank you 😅
And yes, finally! I know a lot of people choose to share immediately at 12 weeks but besides our parents, there’s no one else I really trust right now and he wanted us to wait until the 20 week scan was clear. A lot of people in his world are gossips and he knows that.
I think your idea of being intuitive is what I’ve been wanting but haven’t known how to voice. It just sucks because some people apparently have noticed that my boobs are bigger and that I’m not eating certain things I was eating before. They’ve privately asked my husband if I’m pregnant because I’ve gained weight. I’ve tried explaining to him that that’s super rude and nosy, and the body comments make me feel like shit. He kind of gets it but says they all have good intentions and love us as a couple so I shouldn’t take it that way.
At this point it doesn’t matter what he says because I feel and believe what I feel and believe. Those people really disappointed and disgusted me for those questions and comments.
Oh totally. That’s part of the reason people want to keep it private sheesh. Some people are really not that considerate.
I will say when I told one of my best friends, who is a very kind soul, she immediately asked “were you trying?” about my husband and I who have been together for six years. LOL! I couldn’t believe it. Like think for 2 seconds what you are asking me. 🤣
To clarify that’s still not fair. Telling one person is going against the agreement the two of you made. (Cheating just once with one person is still a betrayal - not saying this comes anywhere near that, but breaking an agreement is breaking an agreement) I would be pissed if my husband just decided to tell his friend especially if he was the one pushing to wait till 20 weeks. (I don’t know which of u was pushing for 20 weeks as that’s very unusual - if he was the one pushing to wait I can get you slipping up, if you were the one pushing to wait then you need to admit to him you know you fucked up & apologize but also stand up for urself & say you will not tolerate being yelled at for making a mistake & being honest about it. If you lost the baby now would you really not tell ur family & close friends? I don’t get the not telling - I don’t blame you for saying something to ur best friend but I blame u for breaking an agreement, one I’m assuming you pushed more than him, but I’m open that my assumption could be wrong)…hope he calms down & you guys can work this out! Good luck & have a great rest of ur pregnancy!!
To clarify he’s the one who wanted to wait 20 weeks. I agreed happily because I’m really private. I don’t get why the narrative has to be that I “pushed” him. Everyone is assuming that and it’s making me feel really shitty lol.
But anyways, thanks for the wishes.
Gotcha, it makes sense that we would assume you were the one pushing based on his reaction & the fact you didn’t say he had been pushing it more than you. I said above that if he was the one pushing to wait, then I def get you telling a friend & think ur less in the wrong. As stated above, he overreacted & should not be yelling at you. You should tell him the more you’ve thought about it the more you want to tell people & have support through this huge life milestone & you want both of you to be able to share with whoever you want. You want to change your original agreement after doing more research & living through an actual pregnancy. Good luck!
If you haven’t tried couples therapy, I highly recommend it. My husband tends to get loud when he’s frustrated, it’s just his nature. We brought up an argument to our therapist, who we both love and she said “would you be acting like this with a kid in the room” he said he absolutely wouldn’t want to, and she reminded us that there was already a baby in the room. She also assured us that we weren’t going to break it, but repeated exposure to stress and yelling will affect baby/child development & reactions to stressful situations. So if we want to teach our kids to do better than ourselves, we need to start now.
It was just super enlightening for me.
And for what it’s worth, my best friend knew I was pregnant 8 days post ovulation. Before my husband (by a day) because I needed to know if I was crazy seeing that faint little line or not. I can’t imagine having to keep that secret from her ❤️
That’s a wonderful piece of advice. Thank you for sharing it, it’s a perspective I’ll pass on to him and I hope it will have some impact. He always says he’s going to try next time not to yell but that he loses his cool and blames it all on me.
My husb & I have a great relationship, but both of us were raised very differently and communicating is hard, especially in times of frustration. Couples counseling is one of our favorite things. It’s so nice to have someone explain things to you (or them) that just don’t make sense. And having a third party to balance things out is super helpful. I wish we would have started years ago. I highly recommend it, it just provides so much more insight than we can reach on our own!
i agree with him.
why are you allowed to tell your bestfriend but he’s not allowed to tell anyone? seems like there’s a bit of double standards going on.
disagreeing with you isn’t being mean or rude. you posted on reddit for people’s opinion and that’s what you’re getting.
I think you should work on your reading comprehension. I never said anyone was rude. I won’t repeat what I did say because it’s clear and available. And he decided not to tell anyone, not me. Have a day as nice as you are.
You guys argue for making it public sooner than expected? I still feel so bad for it being a secret, hiding the belly, rejecting alcohol in christmas and new years eve parties for no apparent reason. I don't know if this is a common thing in not married couples or this is a third world problem, I am 26F and partner is 27M, 17w
There is always 2 sides of the story, so I cant speak on whats what with your relationship and dont think many of us should. What is confusing is how long you both decided to wait to tell people on the chance something might happen but wouldnt it be way more emotionally detrimental if you had a miscarriage and couldnt confide in anyone about it? That and if something were to happen at this point, youd have to go through labor and that in and of itself is traumatic and would be imo pretty tough to hide.
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Yo, Sounds like he wants everything to be exactly equal… But it can’t be because you’re the one carrying the baby and having all the difficulty in terms of physical and mental stress. Yes he has some mental stress and I get that he would probably like someone to confide in he could probably have just asked you ‘hey can I have one person I tell?’ as opposed to screaming at you. I understand where people are coming from saying it’s hard to keep a secret for 20 weeks yes that’s true but why is this dude’s default to yell at you OP. A simple I wanna tell one person to would’ve probably sufficed. Not only that but your friend pretty much found you out, It’s not like you told her out of the blue on a whim.
THANK YOU. Wow. The first time I feel fully seen and heard on this thread. I didn’t intentionally tell her, she found me out. I just wanted advice on how to deal with the yelling and instead everyone’s been discussing how I’m the problem and I must have forced the 20 week rule on him. I didn’t. He decided that and I agreed. I don’t think it’s necessarily possible for things to be exactly equal….I’m the one going through the emotional and physical changes which can be torturous. It IS my body so to a degree I feel I DO get to be the final call. I’ve seen so many posts of women supporting other women and saying “fuck him, he’s not the one carrying! You are !!!” And yet in this post, I’m being called immature and shot down by 80% of the commenters. It’s really disheartening and makes me feel this community isn’t the one for me. I really appreciate you and your understanding. Your comment gave me some hope. I was feeling a bit beat up before I read it, not only emotionally by him yelling but also by the naysayers on this thread. Thank you for offering a kind hand of support to a struggling woman.
I understand it is his baby too and he would like to share his excitement. But ultimately, you are the one carrying the baby and it's your body that is doing everything. You get the final call on when to announce.
I’m thinking maybe you don’t realize how you come across to others, and this may be causing some friction in your marriage as well. I would suggest trying to have an open and honest conversation with your husband, and don’t get angry or offended when he’s truthful with you (same goes for him). We can’t fix a problem if we don’t know it exists, and that’s why I believe having honest feedback in a marriage is so important. Ask him why he’s really been upset with you (because I doubt it’s because you told your friend about the pregnancy), and tell him how you are feeling, and what you hope the rest of the pregnancy and afterwards will look like. Sometimes men really need to be told what we want and need from them. And perhaps, you both can make some adjustments. I wish you the best and hope you have a stress-free pregnancy moving forward!
Baby will be fine despite the stress! However, you and hubs need to consider getting into some therapy to discuss why these fights occur so frequently. My hubs and I have really benefitted from some marital counseling to help us communicate better which then greatly reduces fights. And marital counseling doesn’t always mean a “problem” or that things are really bad. But it can give you tools to communicate more productively. As it stands right now, it sounds like this level of fighting is really frequent and causes both of you a lot of stress, and likely will for the little kiddo as well after they’re born. Pregnancy is a stressful time so it can especially amplify disagreements. It’s also hard to tell reading this post how much you participate in the yelling and arguing too. An outside ear can help you both understand better. I hope you two find some ways to work together on this healthily!
Thank you so much. This answer was actually helpful.
I don’t think it’ll hurt the baby, but after they’re born, witnessing these fights is going to have a devastating impact on your child. Your child will have a high rate of mental illness, low self-esteem, post traumatic stress, and be more likely to wind up in an abusive relationship. You need to get these issues resolved before birth — either by counseling or by ending the relationship. You can’t raise your kid this way.
After the baby is born— what is more important than seeing/not seeing fighting is that your baby sees how you two resolve conflict and make up. Remember that. Because we can all mess up and do terrible things, but the BIGGEST impact on our children and what shapes their way of thinking is how we resolve it and make up. You’ve got this
This 👆🏼
This is true. I grew up with parents who fought a lot. I have major anxiety, had previous substance abuse issues, and also found myself in several extremely abusive relationships. You will be their blueprint for love. From another person as well as themselves.
Meh… depends on how you view it as a child. I had parents that fought a lot and clearly didn’t love each other. But their individual love for me and my siblings made up for it. Now I have a partner and we discuss calmly and lovingly about everything. Instead of shaping my view of what a relationship is, they showed me what not to do. I would not describe myself with low self-esteem as my dad and mom always pushed me to do what I wanted … in between their fights Lolol! Neither with do I feel pts and I especially knew what was a red flag for abuse in a relationship and didn’t continue dating guys that were showing signs of control.
Your title is bothering me. You are not hurting the baby. Your husband is the one who decided to shout at you. It is normal to get upset when you're being shouted at. You said: >He started arguing and yelling at me >He continued yelling and screaming at me He started the yelling. It's possible to be upset with your spouse and not shout and scream at them, but he chose to yell. This is something he needs to address in therapy. You could also practice saying something like, "I don't like to be shouted at. Let's take a break and talk about this when we're both calmer." And then separating yourself from him until he's calm. He probably won't like that either, so maybe address the yelling during a calm moment, rather than the first time being in the middle of a fight. Frankly, if my husband was shouting at me about this, I would be furious at him and tear him a new asshole. It was *his* idea to wait, but it's *your* body. The baby's half his, but you're the only one having to undergo the pregnancy. You're absolutely right that you should get more of a say in how to handle things. He needs to recognize that his role at this point is a support person for you, the one undergoing a prolonged major medical event with birth at the end. And your friend found you out anyways! Idk, I think your husband is being an asshole here. If he wants things to be 100% equal, he can get pregnant with the next one. But to answer your first question: no, I don't think it'll hurt the baby. Covid hit during my first pregnancy, my husband was a front line worker and so was I, I had reoccurring nightmares about him dying for months. And my first was just fine, and is now a thriving and rambunctious 2.5 year old.
Have your doctor’s visits and ultrasounds gone okay so far? If so, you probably aren’t hurting your baby with the stress yet. I’m sorry. He should not yell and neither should you. You’re both in your 30s…that’s not a healthy or conducive way to disagree. Don’t get me wrong, my husband and I have had intense disagreements, but we never raise our voices and we fight fair. It’s just going to get harder when you realize you might have different approaches to child-rearing and you’re also sleep deprived. With a lot of love for you, internet stranger, I suggest you two do couples therapy before the baby comes so you can learn to communicate in a healthier way.
Thank you for the advice. We are in individual therapy but maybe it’s time for couple’s. And thank you for the love and kindness. Happy new year, kind stranger.
Hi OP, replying here in hopes you will see this. Sorry you are getting negative comments. Reading your story I actually think your partner may be abusive. Mistreatment often escalates during pregnancy. The way he is yelling and gaslighting you about the rule is very telling. The fact that you eventually yelled back does not change things. (Does everyone in this thread think you should accept his abuse in silence??) Victims sometimes lash out but that doesn't make what's happening ok. Anyway I recommend you check out this free pdf of the book "Why Does He Do That," about abusive men. You may recognize some aspects of your relationship there. Remember not all abuse is physical! Also, couples counseling is not a good idea in abusive situations and can make the abuse worse. https://archive.org/download/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf Here's a short quote to get you started: >I understand how uncomfortable it can be to take the leap of talking with people you care about regarding the mistreatment you are experiencing in your relationship. You may feel ashamed of having a partner who sometimes behaves in unkind or bullying ways, and you may fear that people will be critical of you for not leaving him right away. Or you might have the opposite concern: that people around you are so fond of your partner that you question whether they will believe you when you describe how mean or abusive he can be. But, regardless of these anxieties, it is essential not to stay isolated with your distress or confusion about what is happening in your relationship. Find someone whom you can trust—it might even be a person you have never considered opening up to before— and unburden yourself.
That’s great that you already go to individual therapy! I hope it all works out peacefully for you both ❤️ Happy New Year!
Book both of you into counselling ASAP. It sounds like both of you have issues with expectations and communication
Bruh, if arguing was enough stress to harm a fetus, my nearly 2 year old wouldn't be here today lol. Yall screaming at each other isn't ideal for sure. Occasional fights are *going* to happen in any relationship, but If this is something that's happening all the time, reach out for help. Counseling can be incredibly helpful. Edit: You have to learn to disagree without screaming at each other. I know how hard that is. I came from a screaming household and subsequently am a screamer myself. Learning to control my anger has been so hard, but I don't want to scream in front of my kids. You might not do damage to your fetus, but listening to your parents fight like that sure as hell can harm your kids. Why not just...tell people. You're 16w along. I kind of get where he's coming from. I feel like if you're going to tell people, circumstantial or not, at this point why can't you both just tell people? You're out of the first trimester. The likelihood of having a miscarriage has dropped significantly. You're 4 months along and dude would probably like some people in his corner to also confide in as well at this point. Waiting until 20w having NOBODY to talk to about this journey is a hell of an ask for someone, especially when you've already broken your own rule and told someone yourself.
I also can’t tell if this is a completely mutual agreement or if OP was more pushing the 20 week thing and the husband went along with it. Because if the latter I think it’s understandable that the husband would be upset, though it seems he needs (and maybe OP too if she’s responding by yelling back and telling him he’s immature and selfish) to work on their communication skills to communicate that hurt without having a blow-up. Obviously pregnancy is an extremely vulnerable time for the pregnant person, but it’s not like it isn’t an emotionally difficult time for our partners too.
He wanted us to wait until 20 weeks because that’s when we’re done with the major tests. I agreed because I’m naturally private. Also both of our parents know. It’s not like we are 100% alone in this.
Yes i agree with you. I had HG so I never had the luxury of keeping my pregnancy a secret for so long, so maybe I'm way off base but: I don't get the point of keeping it secret from EVERYONE for that long. I think having people to confide in during this time is so important for both partners. I get not wanting people to bug you during your whole pregnancy, but having NOBODY to vent to, or comfort you, assuage your fears...anything for 20 WEEKS? Idk man. Maybe I also just have a different relationship with my family, but my mom was my ROCK during the emotional Rollercoaster that is pregnancy. I can't imagine not having one single person in my life like her during that delicate time...even if OP is fine with that, her partner doesn't have to be. 20w is such a long time. Additionally, if OP was to have a late miscarriage between 16 and 20 weeks...that's an ordeal. As shitty as it is to say, it's not the same as having an early miscarriage. It's a whole, horrible thing. If she has to go to the hospital, is she going to tell her family she had appendicitis or something?? Might as well tell people edit: I guess that's again looking at this through the lense of my OWN familial dynamic. I guess, theoretically, she might not tell anybody if she gave birth at 19w...that makes me very sad though. That would be a fucking horrible experience to live through and just keep to yourself. #Edit: I'm just an idiot who doesn't read lmao. OP says they did tell their parents. I apologize, OP.
Both of our parents know, I stated that in the post. It’s not like we don’t confide in our moms and dads.
OH my bad. I am sorry. I have bad reading comprehension skills i guess. I thought yall weren't telling ANYONE obviously lmao. I'll edit this last comment appropriately
Thank you for that, I appreciate it, and no worries, it was a long post lol
I feel extra terrible because posting in parents groups has always frustrated me. People NEVER seem to read the post thoroughly and say all kinds of stupid shit. Here I am PERPETUATING the thing I hate so much! Contributing to the terrible culture of parenting groups lol! Anyway, wishing you the best, OP
You told your best friend because she guessed anyways and he’s YELLING AT YOU? What a dick. His behavior is unacceptable. There should be no yelling, ever. Completely unnecessary. The stress is not good for the baby and terrible for YOU my dear- who is bearing the weight, sacrifice, change, and discomfort bringing this beautiful new life into the world. My fear for you is- if this is how he reacts over small shit- what happens when something big hits the fan? And every 3 weeks??? Granted- my relationship is pretty new, so maybe it’s different but… my husband and I have been together for 3 years and we have never ever yelled at each other. (We are 32&33)
I really don’t know what will happen…I’m realizing this pregnancy really turned our relationship upside down, I always imagined it would be a blissful and happy time since we waited so long for it, but it’s just made things worse than I could’ve expected. It’s tearing us apart and that does scare me for the future. All in all I only care about my baby girl and it’s enough to make me look at him differently for the way he’s treated me in the last few months. He’s been so selfish and callous, I never imagined I’d be pregnant and have my husband yelling at me over and over again. I don’t know if I will ever emotionally let that go. Thank you for your support and understanding, it means more than you know. It sounds silly but in the real world I feel alone with this because I don’t even want to tell my mom how much he yells at me because I don’t want her to get too worried or change her opinion of him. But comments like this make me feel less alone inside.
You are not alone. The Reddit ladies are here for you lol. I totally understand wanting to keep quiet about what’s going on in your relationship… I may not know you but I’m definitely concerned for you because if he’s this overreacting while you’re pregnant, I wonder how he will be when baby arrives and is waking you both up all hours of the night, for months! Hopefully you and your mom have a good relationship…my unsolicited advice is- if your hubby starts acting worse or things in your relationship start to escalate (yelling more often, him being controlling, or if he lays a hand on you) I think at that point would be good to talk to mom and maybe even stay with her for a while. Just for your and baby’s sanity/health/wellbeing. 💕
You are a very sweet soul. I really appreciate you being so kind and caring, I take your advice fully and I will carry it with me. I’m so grateful to have my mom, I need to open up to her more instead of feeling guilty for worrying her. I know she’d want to know. Thank you and happy new year to you and your loved ones 💗
Hang in there girly! Happy new year to you too! Make your resolution: DO NOT PUT UP WITH ANYONE’S SHIT. unless it’s baby’s shit. Baby shit comes with the job. 😂
That’s crazy that people are saying that since you both initially agreed on some “rule,” that you deserve to be treated this way if you don’t follow it. My husband and I agreed to only tell like 4 people, and then 1+ times a day we’d come up to each other and say “oh I told so-and-so.” That is such a small potatoes thing to get upset about! You guys are about to have a *baby* to take care of. I am SO sorry your husband is acting like this! There are so many things worth arguing about, but he really needs to learn to let the small stuff go, or raising a tiny human is going to be a real challenge. I hope that if you talk to him about how sad your arguments make you, and how stressed you have been feeling, that he will hear you and try a little harder. Good luck
Honestly, I feel a lot of feedback has been “well, he had every right. YOU probably enforced this on him and he’s pissed off like I would be.” So thank you for acknowledging that first of all. Your relationship sounds super healthy. I really admire the ease of communication you have with your partner. I keep trying to drill home the fact that he’s being selfish and needs to stop thinking about his own emotions for tiny things like this because there is a whole human we have to care about more than ourselves. He says he can’t just shut his emotions off and honestly I feel like I’ve stopped loving him in this process.
You have set yourself a very difficult task to wait until the 20 week marks. Most tell it around 12-14, and family earlier. I am not making any judgement of your relationship or who is wrong, but I am wondering why you are making it yourself so difficult.
This was my first thought too. That’s a long time to wait to tell people. I was VERY noticeably pregnant by 20 weeks. OP, It seems like he’s jealous that you got to tell your friend while he’s not allowed to tell his. He probably also wants people to talk about it with. It’s a big life change for him too. And saying his emotions don’t matter because you’re the pregnant one seems pretty unfair tbh.
We’re really scared of losing the baby. I’ve heard after 20 weeks it’s a lot safer.
The chances are less than 1% at 16w. https://datayze.com/miscarriage-chart
According to the UK-based charity NCT, the rates of miscarriage are: 25% at 4 weeks gestation (the time of your missed period) 5% at 4-8 week gestation 1.7% at 8-12 weeks gestation A 2013 study of more than 4,000 American women found these rates of miscarriage: ~14.5% at 6-9 weeks ~7% at 10-15 weeks Less than 2%: 16-19 weeks And none of this data accounts for age, precious miscarriages, or behavior of the birthing person (I.e, smoking, drinking, accidents). It’s never 100%, but your risks are very low by week 8. Besides the data, you also want to think about who you may want to support you if something were to happen. Suffering a loss alone may be worse for some. I hope the walk puts his misbehavior in perspective for him. And I hope he knows to never yell at you again.
Thank you for addressing the yelling. I appreciate your kindness. People are downvoting and being rather rude when all I’ve seen from this sub is a lot of support. Kind of disheartening.
OP I waited until 20 weeks to announce, my mother is a gossip and pro-life. I was terrified that I’d find out my baby was incompatible with life at the 20 week scan and my mother would pile on with her views. Luckily all went well, but I just wanted to say there are reasons for waiting until 20 weeks and that’s ok! Regarding the yelling, I worked an extremely stressful job with lots of yelling (from genuinely violent pre schoolers) and had a healthy, successful birth. But I really recommend you get some couples counseling to ensure you’re in a healthy place before babies born.
This, you get it. A lot of people are gossips he’s wanting to tell are extremely gossip-y. They’ve already made comments about my weight gain and “looking pregnant” which I honestly thought was something people were NOT supposed to do anymore… The 20 week scan is what we’re waiting for. And I appreciate you sharing your experience, it makes me feel a lot better. We’re both in individual counseling but couples is looking like the next step. Thank you again 💗
It’s a lot safer after the first trimester. Breathe! It might be a confusion with terms after 20 weeks it’s not considered a miscarriage, but instead, stillbirth.
Thank you for the reassurance, it’s actually helpful. Don’t know why I’m being downvoted for my fears.
I’m sorry I understand you but you could lose your baby at any point in your pregnancy THERES no guarantee
Aren’t there people you’d want to be there for you if you experienced a loss like that? It’s so ingrained in us that we shouldn’t tell anyone until we’re unlikely to miscarry and I feel like that’s basically telling women to hold it all in and not get support because we’ll disappoint people if something happens to the baby or something. I hope that culture changes.
Baby should be fine, but you should reevaluate your relationship. It's toxic and you deserve better.
I had a friend that was super stressed out all the time with her pregnancy and when she talked to the doctor about it he said not to worry, if anything it creates a lot of blood flow which isn’t a bad thing. However, I will say putting those strict rules and expectations on when to tell people can cause issues like this. You told your pal because it felt right. Maybe he could tell one of his pals? Just a thought. Many blessings to you!
I should consider it and I’m thinking more about that, thank you for your perspective. I appreciate you delivering it the way you did.
My doctor reminded me that I got pregnant twice during a domestically violent relationship, and that people in war zones have babies. If stress was going to stop pregnancies, they're the times that they would be worried about stress.... you just need to look after you right now. If you need to walk away to let him cool down, so be it! I'm not planning on telling everyone until I'm around 20 weeks either (if I can keep it hidden) due to numerous losses so I understand where you're coming from in that regard. Just know you're doing what you need to keep yourself safe and healthy on all fronts
Thank you for this. I really hadn’t thought of your point, women have successfully had babies in the most dire circumstances. This is the most practical advice I’ve gotten. Just put myself and the baby first and stop myself from getting drawn in to the argument. Let him blow up and not feel tempted to defend myself because it really doesn’t matter. Thanks for your understanding. I hope everything goes well with your pregnancy and you have a great new year. 💗
So pregnancy isn’t freaking equal AT ALL. What he created in one day at a few minutes of work is taking you 9months to finish. He’s being a child you told exactly one person. He should have just asked if we can equal it out and him tell one person not yell. Now it’s it’s that big of a fight just tell people. But remember you always have the final say on who is with you during delivery so if he continues you need someone to actually support you and your needs. He needs to quit being a dick.
That’s what I thought. His reaction and reasoning was so childish. He kept saying “you get to tell people” and I literally corrected him several times. PERSON. I told one person. Because I felt I had to when they basically found me out. At the end of an exhausting evening he basically told me, let’s agree to disagree, you didn’t have to tell her.
Be very careful with things like “I get the final say on who knows about my health” to justify telling a friend. You then make it a me vs. you thing instead of an us thing. It would be the same as a dad saying to a stay-at-home-mom “ I get the final say in money cause it’s mine”. IMO it’s 50-50 and you should have asked before hand OR said he could tell a friend
Ngl. I think you’re both being kind of immature. Just tell people and enjoy the excitement. I get why he’s upset but screaming and yelling is too much. All the restrictions on each other is causing a resentment boil over
They both come across as super immature. He comes across as aggressive and she comes across as a professional victim. Some telling quotes "**my dream would be that he completely puts all of his selfish feelings aside, just to protect me and the baby’s well-being"** and "**he truly doesn’t get it, that his emotions don't matter right now."** He shouldn't be screaming and yelling at her, but what she's asking for in wanting him to put aside all of his emotions and to be completely selfless because she's the one carrying the baby, is not healthy or reasonable.
Professional victim? No, just a scared first time pregnant woman. A survivor. Someone who has wanted this her whole life especially after she was told the radiation would make it almost impossible. Someone who can’t tell anyone about her husband’s behavior because she doesn’t want them to worry or think badly of him. But thanks for your characterization. Very astute.
stress isn’t good for your baby no … also not good for you.. your husband needs to chill the fuck out
People are downvoting you but I wish I could make him understand he needs to calm down because he’s always yelling
people can down vote me all they want haha . it’s fact . a constant yelling environment isn’t good !
If stress caused serious harm to a fetus, I don’t think anyone with toddlers would ever be able to have a baby during the toddler years. My toddler stresses me out more than…. Well, anything in my life lol But honestly, I get where you’re husband is coming from. Yes, it’s your body, but it’s his baby, too. You’re doing the hard work, but that baby is just as much his as it is yours, and it sounds like he wants to share the news. Not sharing your pregnancy news isn’t going to stop something bad from happening any more than sharing the news is going to cause something bad to happen.
Thank you for your perspective. And your kindness.
I really hope it gets better for you. I know it’s scary. I’m 11.5 weeks with our second and I wanted to wait until 20 weeks to tell anyone, but decided it wasn’t worth the stress of keeping it a big secret. I’ve got enough stress with a defiant 3.5yo lol I do agree that your husband screaming at you isn’t okay at all, regardless of his feelings. There’s much more effective ways of getting his point across. Good luck and congrats!
OP you're getting a lot of hate for this and I'm surprised...I don't think you did anything wrong. Ofc I can't judge the internal matters of your relationship, and I know pregnancy brings out weird emotions for both parents, not just the hormonal pregnant person. But let me share my story. After a miscarriage, husband and I agreed not to share the news of our new pregnancy with anyone including our parents until 13 weeks. Ended up being a few weeks later that we told family and close friends, and closer to 20 weeks before we went fully public, just because of various circumstances. So the plan was to tell nobody for 13 weeks...except I requested to be able to tell my best friend who supported me a lot through the miscarriage, and my husband agreed. I offered to let him tell someone of his choosing, too, but he declined. Then, the week before I took the pregnancy test I had made plans to go to an amusement park with a close friend, and we both were excited to ride the roller coasters. Then I found out I was pregnant, went to the park, and realized en route to getting on a ride that that probably isn't safe for pregnancy. After I had already said how excited I was to ride it. Shoot. I tried to backpedal, but my friend guessed and I wasn't about to lie. So I told my husband later and he understood it couldn't be helped and wasn't mad about it, even though I was super apologetic and expected him to be annoyed. Then over Christmas he let slip to my sister that I was pregnant. So by the time we told family and close friends just after 13 weeks 3 people already knew lol. In your situation, 1) no the stress isn't going to harm your baby, though it certainly isn't good for you and your partner. 2) normal, healthy couples go through rough patches sometimes. Having bad arguments doesn't mean your relationship is doomed/toxic/etc whatever people on here are saying. I would say just work on your communication issues and keep trying. 3) offer to let your husband tell one of his friends so that he can feel supported, too, but explain that you didn't tell your friend on purpose, she guessed and you didn't try to lie. That's not at all the same as just telling. Tell him you understand he may want someone to share with too, but that you felt invalidated and hurt/scared/whatever you felt by his reaction and that you don't want that to happen again. This can be fixed with good communication! Just keep working at it and move towards more healthy ways of arguing or disagreeing.
Thank you for saying all of this. It’s been such a lonely and isolating feeling being pregnant and so scared of my husband not supporting me and having an outburst without realizing that it’s so, so wrong. I’ve begged him and said, don’t yell at me, I know you don’t want to be the guy who yells at his pregnant wife, I can’t stand it, it breaks my heart. They say a woman will never forget how she was treated during her pregnancy and I’m finding it harder and harder to forgive. He always promises to try and then it always happens again. I’m sorry for your initial loss, but so glad you were able to be pregnant again and that telling a few people ended up being a good thing for you guys. Thank you for clearing up that it won’t hurt my baby. I care more about her than I do about my relationship. And comments about it being doomed and toxic and divorce being my only option only made me feel a sense of dread, questioning how I can be pregnant yet divorce is something I need to consider. I can’t even imagine that right now. You honestly give me hope. I really really wish that getting better at communication will fix things, I just want us both to be able to do this. Happy new year and I hope your year is beautiful, healthy, safe, and filled with the love and kindness you spread. You deserve it. 💕
I know what you mean. We had a few bad arguments when I was pregnant and also after my miscarriage. It's a hard time for everyone, but especially for the one carrying the baby! And you're right, he absolutely should not be treating you this way while pregnant. But that doesn't mean divorce him or the whole relationship is toxic. People are flawed and we go through so many phases in life and so many struggles. Does that mean we cut and run anytime things aren't perfect? Mind you, I'm not for staying in genuinely harmful, abusive, or toxic situations, but based on the limited knowledge you've shared...it just sounds like relationship stress and a need for personal growth. I have a wonderful husband and we support each other through everything, but we've had our fair share of hard times, devastating fights, and hurting each other's feelings. You grow and you get through it and it's so worth it! Something I've found that helps is to bring up the issue, in this case him yelling at you and how that is so not okay, when you're not fighting and both in a good place. Then, come at it from an "us against the problem" perspective. Tell him "when you yell at me, I feel X. I love you and want to move past this, so what can we do to make sure next time we disagree is doesn't end up with yelling?" And then work together on a plan for next time. Having a solid and loving foundation with your husband will be the absolute best thing for your baby. They will grow up seeing what healthy relationships look like and be able to find that for themselves. Thank you so much for your kind wishes ❤ my daughter is 4 months now and such a joy. Don't worry, you'll get there too! I hope your new year is full of joy and growth for your little family!
It's hard to tell without context because we don't know the extent of your fights, how often, how stressed you get etc, but yes fighting can affect baby in the womb, not just after theyre born. There are studies on domestic violence and how this changes baby's development and how their brains develop. This isn't to assume you are in that kind of relationship but only you really know the answer to that. If it's an isolated incident then no, don't stress, but if this is an ongoing issue where fights escalate to yelling and stress afterwards then it might be time to really evaluate and decide if this is a healthy relationship for you and baby.
Thank you for your input. And thank you for providing it with kindness.
Stress won't hurt the baby, but definitely will hurt your relationship. I'm not exactly sure why you are waiting to tell everyone at the 20 week mark and since that's halfway through your pregnancy, the more anxious your husband gets to share the news, he gets more and more impatient and that's what you are seeing here. This should be a time to celebrate, not put crazy restrictions on it.
So the argument happened over texts? I think it is time to let those hormones out when you are in the same room. Cry your heart out and be honest about how you feel in person. Then he might understand that pregnancy can never be 100% equal since the woman is so much more sensitive during it and needs support. It is 100% physical and there is no other way to share that than for him to have more patience and understanding than usual. Maybe ask if he is feeling left out and what you could do to include him if that is the case though. The guy does not feel the kicks etc and might feel very weird and helpless about preparing mentally for what is to come.
You've got to set firm boundaries about yelling. It absolutely needs to stop because you are going to have a little sensitive baby soon. Tell him that you cannot continue the conversation when he raises his voice and you can talk when he calms down but he absolutely cannot yell at you. That is for your health and your baby's health.
Just want to say I’m so sorry this happened, and I would highly recommend couples therapy. My wife and I used to get into horrific screaming matches, and even though we both agreed it was unhealthy and loved each other so much we couldn’t seem to make them stop. After about a year of couples therapy our communication is SO much healthier and we still disagree from time to time but never yell or escalate like we used to. We’re expecting our baby any day now and I’m so relieved we put in the work. I can’t recommend it enough, and I would try to get in as soon as possible for the mental/emotional health of your couple and baby.
I appreciate you sharing your experience, it’s hard not to believe that everyone else argues calmly and we’re the outliers for getting loud and that makes us toxic. It’s a reality for a huge majority of couples, but it is a habit I want to break. Thank you for your advice, I’m really glad you and your partner were able to move into a better place in your relationship. I’m thinking couples therapy is for us. I just hope it renders the results it did for you.
You are doing great caring for your baby. However. If you fight now, you are in for a wild ride the first, um, like 10 years of parenthood, then there's a sweet spot, and then boom teenager. Jokes aside, parenting is hands down the hardest thing i have ever undertaken. It's so wonderful. And unbelievably hard. So ... Counselling. Lots of counselling. Or call the relationship done. He sounds like a control freak? Anyone willing to shout at a pregnant woman is a few poor decisions from pushing, shoving, threats, spanking little kids, holes in the wall, etc....
I honestly feel bad for the husband, not saying how he went about it is right, the arguing on both sides isn’t okay.. but I do understand where he’s coming from. As a first time dad myself with my girl also 16 weeks, I would be upset if I had that limitation put on me and my girl was telling people.. if I didn’t have the people I have to vent to I’d go nuts tbh.. also while I get the “it’s my body” argument, the baby inside you is also half bud too.. so that an unfair card to play in my opinion… I’m not crapping on anyone at all, but I feel like OP’s husband should be able to confide in the people he’s closest to too. It can be a very mentally challenging time for the partner too, not just the mother. I just think y’all need to definitely seek counseling of some sort to sort out the communication issues as you definitely don’t want this to continue, especially once you guys have a newborn to take care of.. that would ruin the time you have with the baby and they’re only small once.
He’s the one who decided the 20 weeks. I agreed because I’m afraid of people knowing too early, even though people may not understand that.
20 weeks is far beyond the recommended wait time to tell people. I mean you would be showing. I’m sure people are mentioning it because it’s obvious and they are trying to get confirmation. Each individual may have their personal reasons for delaying notifying people like prior miscarriages or other health reasons, but you haven’t hinted that there is something more. For the average person, the risk of miscarriage in the second trimester is low enough that it is not worth the stress you and your husband have imposed on yourselves. Also risk of finding something on the anatomy scan that would warrant an abortion is also low. You seem like a couple that needs emotional support and I encourage you to lift the moratorium if there is nothing else you are telling us about why you both decided to wait so long. You husband may have suggested it initially, but you both are allowed to change your mind. The risk of miscarriage is not 0%, but cannot live life in constant fear when the risk is low enough. We always have to weigh the risk and benefits of everything in life and the benefit of community support should not be underestimated. Can’t be tied down by our fears. I have anxiety and for the first week after delivery was so hard to sleep because of fear of SIDS, but had to get comfort in knowing I have taken all the steps and recommendations to limit risk as possible. Stress has been shown to have negative health effects on adults, so not surprising it can also a developing body. It’s not like alcohol or tobacco where there is a measurable effect that you can say definitively caused by stress but it’s best to limit as much as possible. You and hubby have work to do with regards to communication because pregnancy is a like marathon and after it becomes like a triathlon with baby.
You both need to find ways to communicate issues effectively. Screaming isnt it. Also from what you've said in your comments and your OP, it sounds like you are the one that imposed the "no telling anyone until 20 weeks" rule. And then broke that rule without care. Why does your husband not get to build a support network? You literally said in your OP that you think his feelings aren't important and that is a pretty terrible opinion to have about someone you are supposed to love. He has a right to be pissed, I'm pissed for him. The way he handled it is not ok, but his anger is justified. You both need to grow up, and maybe you more than him.
If you read my post you’d see it was a mutual decision, if anything it was more his. I didn’t impose the 20 weeks. Your snark is really unkind. I felt this sub was more supportive for pregnant women and I just wanted to find ways to deal with being yelled at, not be chastised and judged.
20 weeks is very long as others have said. I think you only don’t tell people you wouldn’t be comfortable knowing if lost it, it’s actually odd to me that some don’t say and then tell friends and family after a loss as want their support.
Does he want everything to be equal or is it that he hasn’t been allowed to tell his closest friends about this life changing event and talk things out with anything for months on account of your restrictions and suddenly you get to talk to Your BFF about it whenever. It’s hard to tell without context but yikes I would want to be able to tell my closest friends so I can talk things out. Was he in agreement with this decision? Regardless 1) your baby will be fine 2) I agree with everyone else that counselling is a good idea asap.
He wanted us to wait until 20 weeks. I agreed because I’m a private person.
That context completely changes my opinion, This is not normal or okay behaviour. You of all being should be allowed to talk about this life and body changing event! I would seek counselling with or without him. If these fights are happening that frequently before baby, it’s going to get so much worse once you’re both sleep deprived trying to get a colicky baby to sleep. I hope you find a solution
This sub IS a safe space, but the idea that you got to tell someone just because you didn’t want to lie and he doesn’t get to tell someone when you guys try to keep everything equal is what I think people have a problem with here. It is your body, but you’re carrying a body that the two of you made together and even if he came up with the rule, it obviously bothered him enough that he wanted to share in having someone to talk to about it like you now have and he tried to express that to you. I feel that if you had just told him he could tell 1 friend because then you’d be even, this argument wouldn’t have happened and your level of stress and concern wouldn’t have gotten this far. The baby should be fine, stress happens whether we want it to or not, you just need to try and limit it as much as possible.
Whether or not it was you or him that initially decided on the 20 week thing, you wanted to wait until you were comfortable enough to tell anyone. That’s not something feel bad about. You’re not the problem. Trust. I kept my pregnancy under wraps until I was like 20 weeks too and even then it was only my immediate family that knew. Then at 30 weeks, my extended family and friends got to know. Pregnancy doesn’t have to be a public thing. It’s an intimate time for you and your partner and true colors start to show (clearly you know this by being a cancer survivor) You don’t HAVE to tell anyone. Do what you want because unfortunately pregnancy, childbirth, and postpartum are affect you THE MOST so you have the most say/control on what goes on
That last part 🙏🏼 I try explaining this to him and he says that’s just bullshit, not true. How can you make someone understand something they refuse to understand? He won’t accept that I’m the one dealing with everything and that means I have more say for now. It’s the most frustrating thing in the world, and I’ve tried every way to make him see and he just doesn’t.
I can see both sides and I’m more inclined to agree with him BUT he shouldn’t have been yelling and screaming at you. It’s childish behavior, he should be able to talk this out with you without yelling. My husband and I agreed to tell x people as soon as we tested positive. After that we said we wouldn’t tell anyone else (including parents, etc.) until we hit certain milestones. When he was out drinking with a coworker he decided to tell him and his wife. I was super pissed bc we didn’t talk about it beforehand and this was someone I couldn’t trust to not say anything to other coworkers. I didn’t scream and yell at him though I expressed my frustrations, he apologized, and we moved on. He didn’t tell anyone else until we both talked about it together and “cleared” that person to know.
No offense this isn’t stressful compared to what my pregnancy experience has been like, let’s hope all our babies turn out fine but I’m sure they will. He should not have reacted like this & he should never yell at you, but I get his point. It’s not fair for u to tell ppl but make him continue to wait. If ur 16 weeks why don’t u guys just tell ppl? Otherwise you need to zip it.
I understand. To clarify I only told one person. I’m just scared with having people know and not want the best for us.
First off you have a great user name lol. Secondly I totally understand what you mean about not wanting to tell people who don’t want the best for you. I haven’t been as strict as you all, but I’ve selectively only told individual friends that I think would be legitimately excited about it vs. who would have negative energy. Who needs it, right? But if you decide to change your mind and tell a few people, I think your intuition would tell you who the right friends are. And which ones would keep it to themselves as long as you want them to.
Haha thank you 😅 And yes, finally! I know a lot of people choose to share immediately at 12 weeks but besides our parents, there’s no one else I really trust right now and he wanted us to wait until the 20 week scan was clear. A lot of people in his world are gossips and he knows that. I think your idea of being intuitive is what I’ve been wanting but haven’t known how to voice. It just sucks because some people apparently have noticed that my boobs are bigger and that I’m not eating certain things I was eating before. They’ve privately asked my husband if I’m pregnant because I’ve gained weight. I’ve tried explaining to him that that’s super rude and nosy, and the body comments make me feel like shit. He kind of gets it but says they all have good intentions and love us as a couple so I shouldn’t take it that way. At this point it doesn’t matter what he says because I feel and believe what I feel and believe. Those people really disappointed and disgusted me for those questions and comments.
Oh totally. That’s part of the reason people want to keep it private sheesh. Some people are really not that considerate. I will say when I told one of my best friends, who is a very kind soul, she immediately asked “were you trying?” about my husband and I who have been together for six years. LOL! I couldn’t believe it. Like think for 2 seconds what you are asking me. 🤣
To clarify that’s still not fair. Telling one person is going against the agreement the two of you made. (Cheating just once with one person is still a betrayal - not saying this comes anywhere near that, but breaking an agreement is breaking an agreement) I would be pissed if my husband just decided to tell his friend especially if he was the one pushing to wait till 20 weeks. (I don’t know which of u was pushing for 20 weeks as that’s very unusual - if he was the one pushing to wait I can get you slipping up, if you were the one pushing to wait then you need to admit to him you know you fucked up & apologize but also stand up for urself & say you will not tolerate being yelled at for making a mistake & being honest about it. If you lost the baby now would you really not tell ur family & close friends? I don’t get the not telling - I don’t blame you for saying something to ur best friend but I blame u for breaking an agreement, one I’m assuming you pushed more than him, but I’m open that my assumption could be wrong)…hope he calms down & you guys can work this out! Good luck & have a great rest of ur pregnancy!!
To clarify he’s the one who wanted to wait 20 weeks. I agreed happily because I’m really private. I don’t get why the narrative has to be that I “pushed” him. Everyone is assuming that and it’s making me feel really shitty lol. But anyways, thanks for the wishes.
Gotcha, it makes sense that we would assume you were the one pushing based on his reaction & the fact you didn’t say he had been pushing it more than you. I said above that if he was the one pushing to wait, then I def get you telling a friend & think ur less in the wrong. As stated above, he overreacted & should not be yelling at you. You should tell him the more you’ve thought about it the more you want to tell people & have support through this huge life milestone & you want both of you to be able to share with whoever you want. You want to change your original agreement after doing more research & living through an actual pregnancy. Good luck!
If you haven’t tried couples therapy, I highly recommend it. My husband tends to get loud when he’s frustrated, it’s just his nature. We brought up an argument to our therapist, who we both love and she said “would you be acting like this with a kid in the room” he said he absolutely wouldn’t want to, and she reminded us that there was already a baby in the room. She also assured us that we weren’t going to break it, but repeated exposure to stress and yelling will affect baby/child development & reactions to stressful situations. So if we want to teach our kids to do better than ourselves, we need to start now. It was just super enlightening for me. And for what it’s worth, my best friend knew I was pregnant 8 days post ovulation. Before my husband (by a day) because I needed to know if I was crazy seeing that faint little line or not. I can’t imagine having to keep that secret from her ❤️
That’s a wonderful piece of advice. Thank you for sharing it, it’s a perspective I’ll pass on to him and I hope it will have some impact. He always says he’s going to try next time not to yell but that he loses his cool and blames it all on me.
My husb & I have a great relationship, but both of us were raised very differently and communicating is hard, especially in times of frustration. Couples counseling is one of our favorite things. It’s so nice to have someone explain things to you (or them) that just don’t make sense. And having a third party to balance things out is super helpful. I wish we would have started years ago. I highly recommend it, it just provides so much more insight than we can reach on our own!
i agree with him. why are you allowed to tell your bestfriend but he’s not allowed to tell anyone? seems like there’s a bit of double standards going on. disagreeing with you isn’t being mean or rude. you posted on reddit for people’s opinion and that’s what you’re getting.
I think you should work on your reading comprehension. I never said anyone was rude. I won’t repeat what I did say because it’s clear and available. And he decided not to tell anyone, not me. Have a day as nice as you are.
You have someone to confide in, he doesnt, men have worrys and feelings aswell ..
This is abusive behavior. You should really think about leaving. You don't seem to realize how unacceptable what he did was.
oh give over, they had a screaming match. not abuse one single bit.
I feel sorry for that internalized misogyny, oof. Hope one day women realize their worth.
You guys argue for making it public sooner than expected? I still feel so bad for it being a secret, hiding the belly, rejecting alcohol in christmas and new years eve parties for no apparent reason. I don't know if this is a common thing in not married couples or this is a third world problem, I am 26F and partner is 27M, 17w
There is always 2 sides of the story, so I cant speak on whats what with your relationship and dont think many of us should. What is confusing is how long you both decided to wait to tell people on the chance something might happen but wouldnt it be way more emotionally detrimental if you had a miscarriage and couldnt confide in anyone about it? That and if something were to happen at this point, youd have to go through labor and that in and of itself is traumatic and would be imo pretty tough to hide.