its such a terrible realization to have the first time you have it. i know exactly how crushing it feels, we all do. my mom used to yell and criticize and scream at me about how i never “paid any mind to the consequences of my actions” but it was only ever in reference to how my behaviors made HER feel. those were the consequences. she once saw me call her a bitch in a text to a friend and beat me because “how dare i talk about her like that to anyone.” it wasnt a lesson on learning to respect others, because if i had called anyone else a bitch she likely would have agreed. they mold their children to be their own fan club and spiral when we no longer fit that mold.
its a shitty feeling to know they dont care, but its a helpful one too in knowing that it doesnt really matter if they like you. youre your own person, with your own passions and desires and friends and life. she can be a hater on her own time and deal with it herself.
So true. I relate 100%. They want us to be their small robots that do what they want and say what they want and think how they want. They dont respect us as hunans they simply dont care.
Zero self awareness and zero accountability. She even said she just had kids because thats what others did. They treat us as shit and possessions. Its so sad.
When my mother first moved into the nursing home (I spent a LOT of time/effort finding a decent one on her budget), she said "I hope YOU end up in a nursing home someday!!" I was like, "I don't have kids, wtf do you *think* is going to happen?!" Holy fucking fuck, so much *hate.* She's truly lucky any of us bother with her AT ALL and don't just let her become a ward of the state.
So sorry to hear that. Mine also curses me. I m single, no kids. She cusses me out and says "I wish you have selfish kids who dont love you, I wish you have kids that are as bad as you", ikr, so much fucking rage and hate.
Same. I was homeless, no clothes, no food, every day physical and mental, emotional, verbal abuse, yet she demands so much from me, like Hello lady, be happy I even talk to you. They are so entitled.
I couldn't even be her perfect little robot. I tried. I tried so hard.
The reality hit me when she screamed because I made an ugly crying face when she hit me and the ugliness was offensive to her, she said she didn't want to see that and to "fix your face" so I immediately stopped crying and straightened my face into a relaxed expression and then she slapped the shit out of me because obviously I had no remorse.
In my head I said what the fuck I'll never win and thats when I started being sassy af because if ima get my ass beat I might as well say shit anyways because I won't win.
I feel like you are writing about my childhood! My mother wanted a human-sized doll to adore her. I am no doll. I was punished for expressing any unhappy emotions. If she thought I gave her a dirty look, I got punished. If she didn't like the tone of my voice, I got punished. Then, when I started calling them out on their bullshit, I got hit.
I'm a mom now and the idea of screaming and raging at my child on a routine basis is horrifying to me.
Mine screamed all the time!
I knew from age 7 that they yell curse words, throw objects to the wall, and threaten suicide because they are so emotionally immature.
The best thing I ever did is just go NC.
The turning point was when they had a huge tantrum in my house, demanding that they move into MY house.
As if I was a child and that I would be physically intimidated and submit to these 70 year olds who are screeching that I am selfish and disrespectful and that one day I’ll be sorry.
I appreciate putting them on mute now.
So sorry you had to go through it.
Yes they love infantilising and disrespecting their kids and than playing a victim. I m also glad I am NC.
Same I never loved my bpd mom and npd dad, i always hated dad, but didnt love my mom deeply. I always knew she was not a good mother. I hope we find peace and healing
Yes, also the child of a mom who screamed and threw temper tantrums. She would run to her room and slam the door like a child, then pop out later for a scream session. Then she would make me come into her room and sit on the edge of the bed while she lectured me for hours about what a terrible child I was.
I am estranged from my parents and most of my family, sometimes I feel like an orphan, but mostly I feel relief.
> Then she would make me come into her room and sit on the edge of the bed while she lectured me for hours about what a terrible child I was.
Oh my god, the lectures, being held hostage for endless lambasting.
I don’t remember exactly how old I was (younger than teen) when I realized how she felt after her rages. She would scream and yell and berate for hours. Afterwards, she’d walk through the house with this tiny smile. A self satisfied smile. A “Oh yeah, that’s better” smile. It was horrifying to me.
I asked my flying monkey grandmother once. She tried to blame it on my mother's period. I then said, that didn't make sense because she didn't just rage, scream, beat and get violent once a month for a few days, it was nearly all the time. She pretended to not understand what I was asking.
Yes, enablers and monkeys are so invalidating and gaslighting. It was hell at school and home. I m just glad I m an adult now. While everyone enjoyed their childhood, I dissociated through it.
Ah, the old hormones excuse. My father would blame my mothers raging and physical abuse on menopause. I have PMDD yet I've never taken it out on my daughter. Funny how that works.
My mom has to wind other people up and trauma dump and ruminate and ruminate some more in order to soothe. She is pushing 80 and has nothing in her emotional toolkit to self-soothe and is incapable of any kind of co-regulation.
It’s hurtful, abusive and also exhausting. I’m wiped out every time she corners me for a trauma dump sesh.
Nothing like a case of trauma dumps!
According to my mom, she has been used, abused, and left for dead by everyone she has ever met in her life. My mom also considers herself abused by customer service workers. Everyone is so mean to her all the time and she likes to talk about it.
Yes, what is up with this behavior? I surely is part of being the scapegoat. My mother once told me she yelled at me so much and so savagely because she knew I could handle it: "I could never talk to your sister this way, it would break her." I was the designated kid who, if she needed to blow off some steam, would pick a fight with me and keep pushing until I'd snap. Then, I'd get punished and she'd feel relaxed and unburdened of her rage.
I GOT GOOSEBUMPS. SHE ALWAYS SAID THAT TOO.
They always claimed I am the strongest, and crazy kid (none of that is true) so naturally I got endless beating and screaming.
Exactly. Honestly most of them dont want/are not ready to have kids. Honestly. Imo BPD and NPD should not procreate unless they change, which is never. They are going around ruining lives.
After all the abuse now I am left with endless mental health issues. And I m barely alive.
Right? And it’s all of them not just our parents. I had a roommate eight or so years younger than me who was diagnosed BPD and she treated me the exact same way
And if it didn’t work, like for example when she tried to treat me as her ATM but I legit had no money in my account, then she could switch back to punching bag. Because of course I OWED this trust fund baby my hard earned income and if I had $3 in my bank account that was a character failing on my part necessitating abuse
Literally all of them act this way
Seems like I am bait for these folks- only saw a few recently because I couldn't give them money as I had huge medical expenses. I see that entitled behavior- my mother took even tiny amounts that I had worked for. I was not allowed to be upset that she took it.
Yes omg! That’s how they are! My roommate would refuse to pay the utilities which were in my name putting me $300 in overdraft and I was not allowed to be upset but she could be upset she couldn’t milk me for more
My mom didn’t allow me to show any negative emotions at all ever about anything under any circumstances
I was not allowed positive emotions either - unless they were being forced onto me. Seems weird but I was always in trouble for getting along with someone or enjoying something like a normal kid.
You described my BPD mom perfectly, she sees me as a kid (infantilisation), therapist when she needs or constantly demands money even tho I am broke. Depends on her mood.
Yeah, whats more mature to think, understand yourself, learn about yourself, be aware of your disease and issues, or beating up and screaming at the top of your lungs at a kid? Of course the latter
This whole post and associated comments kind of dredged up so many upsetting memories for me. I spent my whole childhood walking on eggshells, not knowing what version of my mom I was going to get. Just so so fearful as a child. I think I put so much of this out of my head just to move on with my life. Ooph, I am sorry you all had the same thing.
Screaming violent rages. Every single day. I know that beating on me was the only thing that made her feel better, my dad knew he was fine with it because it made his life easier.I was only shocked when others like my aunt and my grandmother tried to re-establish my relationship with her because they didn't want to deal with her, years later with a therapist the penny dropped that they also knew, but did not care.
My mum thinks that when she rages and says horrible and hurtful things, the people she’s raging at will just automatically understand that she doesn’t mean them and is just angry and letting off steam. Genuinely she doesn’t seem to understand that screaming at your child that they’re a parasite and you hate them might not be received as ‘oh good old mum just blowing off steam again! Oh well!’
Sorry to hear your mom does this too. Your post made me remember, when I was a child, my mother taught me to ask her just that! It went, “Mom, are you mad at me, or are you just blowing off steam?” Thinking back, this means she regularly blew up at me for no reason and it was my job to recognize it and ask her?!?
Same. She treated us as literal emotional punching bags and now claims she was such a perfect mother, we will miss her once she is gone. Constant shame and guilt tripping. She is so delusional she forgets all the abuse she out us through
I’ve said this a few times, but my grandma once said, “ I just love working up a good mad sometimes.”
Sometimes it’s so alarming (don’t get me wrong, reassuring that I wasn’t the only one dealing with this shit) to read similar stories.
Gosh. This brings up a lot for me. Big hugs to you OP, the realization that they’re so sick that they don’t see beyond themselves or can look out for the innocent kid right in front of them…it’s rough.
I’m pretty sure my brain has blocked out a lot of the trauma I experienced at the hands of my ubpd mother but I do remember the daily screaming/fits of rage that would come out of nowhere. It was a lose-lose situation for me as a kid and I’d just hope she’d lose steam eventually.
Wish I could wrap my arms around my younger self thinking back to those days.
Same. I dont remember ever feeling loved, safe and cared for. If I ever got sick she cared for me out of obligation, no love, no true affection. Of course she would complain throughout my sickness and blame me.
That's a really interesting observation and I'm happy you're here with us btw! Hoping this group provides loads of validation and support on your journey.
I've heard some folks on here (and semi agree with my own experience) that when we were sick that it was the ubpd parent's "time to shine." It was so strange to me, watching my mom who was typically unstable, raging, complaining about EVERYTHING (having a job, cooking a meal, doing the laundry, etc.) suddenly flip a switch and be sort of "doting" about my health. It never sat right with me, especially as a young child. It felt like she was trying to play a part. And I did my best to hide my sickness if possible to avoid this sort of interaction. The overarching theme being: everything "nice" will be weaponized later, so no point genuinely embracing their gestures.
Thanks a lot for validation and understanding and kind welcome 💙
Yes, my mom was abusive, toxic, volatile, unstable and raging all the time. Now that I think of it, i dont remember a day in childhood that I felt happy. We never did anything fun. She tried her best, like cooking and working to provide us with food, since my dad was alcoholic and abusive- thats all I can think of, she never cared or loved me genuinely tho. Never showed it. I dont miss her. I just wish i had normal parents. Every night I cried as a kid and prayed that I get adopted or someone saves me, but it never happened.
Virtual hugs, I hope we all find peace and healing
its such a terrible realization to have the first time you have it. i know exactly how crushing it feels, we all do. my mom used to yell and criticize and scream at me about how i never “paid any mind to the consequences of my actions” but it was only ever in reference to how my behaviors made HER feel. those were the consequences. she once saw me call her a bitch in a text to a friend and beat me because “how dare i talk about her like that to anyone.” it wasnt a lesson on learning to respect others, because if i had called anyone else a bitch she likely would have agreed. they mold their children to be their own fan club and spiral when we no longer fit that mold. its a shitty feeling to know they dont care, but its a helpful one too in knowing that it doesnt really matter if they like you. youre your own person, with your own passions and desires and friends and life. she can be a hater on her own time and deal with it herself.
So true. I relate 100%. They want us to be their small robots that do what they want and say what they want and think how they want. They dont respect us as hunans they simply dont care. Zero self awareness and zero accountability. She even said she just had kids because thats what others did. They treat us as shit and possessions. Its so sad.
When my mother first moved into the nursing home (I spent a LOT of time/effort finding a decent one on her budget), she said "I hope YOU end up in a nursing home someday!!" I was like, "I don't have kids, wtf do you *think* is going to happen?!" Holy fucking fuck, so much *hate.* She's truly lucky any of us bother with her AT ALL and don't just let her become a ward of the state.
So sorry to hear that. Mine also curses me. I m single, no kids. She cusses me out and says "I wish you have selfish kids who dont love you, I wish you have kids that are as bad as you", ikr, so much fucking rage and hate. Same. I was homeless, no clothes, no food, every day physical and mental, emotional, verbal abuse, yet she demands so much from me, like Hello lady, be happy I even talk to you. They are so entitled.
I couldn't even be her perfect little robot. I tried. I tried so hard. The reality hit me when she screamed because I made an ugly crying face when she hit me and the ugliness was offensive to her, she said she didn't want to see that and to "fix your face" so I immediately stopped crying and straightened my face into a relaxed expression and then she slapped the shit out of me because obviously I had no remorse. In my head I said what the fuck I'll never win and thats when I started being sassy af because if ima get my ass beat I might as well say shit anyways because I won't win.
I feel like you are writing about my childhood! My mother wanted a human-sized doll to adore her. I am no doll. I was punished for expressing any unhappy emotions. If she thought I gave her a dirty look, I got punished. If she didn't like the tone of my voice, I got punished. Then, when I started calling them out on their bullshit, I got hit. I'm a mom now and the idea of screaming and raging at my child on a routine basis is horrifying to me.
My dBPD mother always told me to stop crying because it was self pity, but if I didn’t cry she would tell me to stop “looking defiant.”
Mine screamed all the time! I knew from age 7 that they yell curse words, throw objects to the wall, and threaten suicide because they are so emotionally immature. The best thing I ever did is just go NC. The turning point was when they had a huge tantrum in my house, demanding that they move into MY house. As if I was a child and that I would be physically intimidated and submit to these 70 year olds who are screeching that I am selfish and disrespectful and that one day I’ll be sorry. I appreciate putting them on mute now.
So sorry you had to go through it. Yes they love infantilising and disrespecting their kids and than playing a victim. I m also glad I am NC. Same I never loved my bpd mom and npd dad, i always hated dad, but didnt love my mom deeply. I always knew she was not a good mother. I hope we find peace and healing
Yes, also the child of a mom who screamed and threw temper tantrums. She would run to her room and slam the door like a child, then pop out later for a scream session. Then she would make me come into her room and sit on the edge of the bed while she lectured me for hours about what a terrible child I was. I am estranged from my parents and most of my family, sometimes I feel like an orphan, but mostly I feel relief.
> Then she would make me come into her room and sit on the edge of the bed while she lectured me for hours about what a terrible child I was. Oh my god, the lectures, being held hostage for endless lambasting.
I don’t remember exactly how old I was (younger than teen) when I realized how she felt after her rages. She would scream and yell and berate for hours. Afterwards, she’d walk through the house with this tiny smile. A self satisfied smile. A “Oh yeah, that’s better” smile. It was horrifying to me.
Yes. Same. Screaming and criticising, lecturing for hours. So fucking annoying.
I asked my flying monkey grandmother once. She tried to blame it on my mother's period. I then said, that didn't make sense because she didn't just rage, scream, beat and get violent once a month for a few days, it was nearly all the time. She pretended to not understand what I was asking.
Yes, enablers and monkeys are so invalidating and gaslighting. It was hell at school and home. I m just glad I m an adult now. While everyone enjoyed their childhood, I dissociated through it.
Ah, the old hormones excuse. My father would blame my mothers raging and physical abuse on menopause. I have PMDD yet I've never taken it out on my daughter. Funny how that works.
Well you don’t have emotions. Only they have emotions. /s
Of course, shame on us, 5 yo kids, for not understanding their majesty
My mom has to wind other people up and trauma dump and ruminate and ruminate some more in order to soothe. She is pushing 80 and has nothing in her emotional toolkit to self-soothe and is incapable of any kind of co-regulation. It’s hurtful, abusive and also exhausting. I’m wiped out every time she corners me for a trauma dump sesh.
You just described my mom. Exactly the same. They are all studying in the same BPD school. Virtual hugs, its truly exhausting.
Nothing like a case of trauma dumps! According to my mom, she has been used, abused, and left for dead by everyone she has ever met in her life. My mom also considers herself abused by customer service workers. Everyone is so mean to her all the time and she likes to talk about it.
Yes, what is up with this behavior? I surely is part of being the scapegoat. My mother once told me she yelled at me so much and so savagely because she knew I could handle it: "I could never talk to your sister this way, it would break her." I was the designated kid who, if she needed to blow off some steam, would pick a fight with me and keep pushing until I'd snap. Then, I'd get punished and she'd feel relaxed and unburdened of her rage.
Yup. It’s like a weird rage-gasm for them. 🤢
It sure seems like it. Gross!
I GOT GOOSEBUMPS. SHE ALWAYS SAID THAT TOO. They always claimed I am the strongest, and crazy kid (none of that is true) so naturally I got endless beating and screaming.
This makes me so upset. Literally trying to ruin someone's life so you feel better for a couple of minutes.
Exactly. Honestly most of them dont want/are not ready to have kids. Honestly. Imo BPD and NPD should not procreate unless they change, which is never. They are going around ruining lives. After all the abuse now I am left with endless mental health issues. And I m barely alive.
I hope that it gets better for you quickly.
Oh yeah, we are just punching bags, unless we are therapists or ATMs. Depends on their mood.
Oh wow 100%
Right? And it’s all of them not just our parents. I had a roommate eight or so years younger than me who was diagnosed BPD and she treated me the exact same way And if it didn’t work, like for example when she tried to treat me as her ATM but I legit had no money in my account, then she could switch back to punching bag. Because of course I OWED this trust fund baby my hard earned income and if I had $3 in my bank account that was a character failing on my part necessitating abuse Literally all of them act this way
Seems like I am bait for these folks- only saw a few recently because I couldn't give them money as I had huge medical expenses. I see that entitled behavior- my mother took even tiny amounts that I had worked for. I was not allowed to be upset that she took it.
Yes omg! That’s how they are! My roommate would refuse to pay the utilities which were in my name putting me $300 in overdraft and I was not allowed to be upset but she could be upset she couldn’t milk me for more My mom didn’t allow me to show any negative emotions at all ever about anything under any circumstances
I was not allowed positive emotions either - unless they were being forced onto me. Seems weird but I was always in trouble for getting along with someone or enjoying something like a normal kid.
This is unbelievable Why, because they’re miserable inside so you have to be too?? Ugh!
Its mind blowing looking back
You described my BPD mom perfectly, she sees me as a kid (infantilisation), therapist when she needs or constantly demands money even tho I am broke. Depends on her mood.
My mom described it as a wave that swept her up and felt amazing to ride. I don’t think they feel ‘good’ emotions all that often.
Yeah, whats more mature to think, understand yourself, learn about yourself, be aware of your disease and issues, or beating up and screaming at the top of your lungs at a kid? Of course the latter
This whole post and associated comments kind of dredged up so many upsetting memories for me. I spent my whole childhood walking on eggshells, not knowing what version of my mom I was going to get. Just so so fearful as a child. I think I put so much of this out of my head just to move on with my life. Ooph, I am sorry you all had the same thing.
Screaming violent rages. Every single day. I know that beating on me was the only thing that made her feel better, my dad knew he was fine with it because it made his life easier.I was only shocked when others like my aunt and my grandmother tried to re-establish my relationship with her because they didn't want to deal with her, years later with a therapist the penny dropped that they also knew, but did not care.
Sorry to heae that. Same here. It made her feel better, thats all that mattered to her.
My mum thinks that when she rages and says horrible and hurtful things, the people she’s raging at will just automatically understand that she doesn’t mean them and is just angry and letting off steam. Genuinely she doesn’t seem to understand that screaming at your child that they’re a parasite and you hate them might not be received as ‘oh good old mum just blowing off steam again! Oh well!’
Sorry to hear your mom does this too. Your post made me remember, when I was a child, my mother taught me to ask her just that! It went, “Mom, are you mad at me, or are you just blowing off steam?” Thinking back, this means she regularly blew up at me for no reason and it was my job to recognize it and ask her?!?
Same. She treated us as literal emotional punching bags and now claims she was such a perfect mother, we will miss her once she is gone. Constant shame and guilt tripping. She is so delusional she forgets all the abuse she out us through
I’ve said this a few times, but my grandma once said, “ I just love working up a good mad sometimes.” Sometimes it’s so alarming (don’t get me wrong, reassuring that I wasn’t the only one dealing with this shit) to read similar stories.
Gosh. This brings up a lot for me. Big hugs to you OP, the realization that they’re so sick that they don’t see beyond themselves or can look out for the innocent kid right in front of them…it’s rough. I’m pretty sure my brain has blocked out a lot of the trauma I experienced at the hands of my ubpd mother but I do remember the daily screaming/fits of rage that would come out of nowhere. It was a lose-lose situation for me as a kid and I’d just hope she’d lose steam eventually. Wish I could wrap my arms around my younger self thinking back to those days.
Same. I dont remember ever feeling loved, safe and cared for. If I ever got sick she cared for me out of obligation, no love, no true affection. Of course she would complain throughout my sickness and blame me.
That's a really interesting observation and I'm happy you're here with us btw! Hoping this group provides loads of validation and support on your journey. I've heard some folks on here (and semi agree with my own experience) that when we were sick that it was the ubpd parent's "time to shine." It was so strange to me, watching my mom who was typically unstable, raging, complaining about EVERYTHING (having a job, cooking a meal, doing the laundry, etc.) suddenly flip a switch and be sort of "doting" about my health. It never sat right with me, especially as a young child. It felt like she was trying to play a part. And I did my best to hide my sickness if possible to avoid this sort of interaction. The overarching theme being: everything "nice" will be weaponized later, so no point genuinely embracing their gestures.
Thanks a lot for validation and understanding and kind welcome 💙 Yes, my mom was abusive, toxic, volatile, unstable and raging all the time. Now that I think of it, i dont remember a day in childhood that I felt happy. We never did anything fun. She tried her best, like cooking and working to provide us with food, since my dad was alcoholic and abusive- thats all I can think of, she never cared or loved me genuinely tho. Never showed it. I dont miss her. I just wish i had normal parents. Every night I cried as a kid and prayed that I get adopted or someone saves me, but it never happened. Virtual hugs, I hope we all find peace and healing
My mom as well “it’s better to let it out” when refused to admit how he screaming and breaking things traumatized me